Home Screenwriting Products Screenwriter Community Screenwriting Store
ScriptBuddy - Screenwriting Software for the Web

Screenwriter Community

Back to List of Published Screenplays
View/Leave Feedback

Skits for All Seasons
by Fred Fox (tfox@depauw.edu)

Rated: R   Genre: Miscellaneous   User Review:

A hodgepodge of plays written for my local playwright's festival, submitted for your approval. More will be added as time goes on.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The following plays and sketches are the result of numerous
hours spent pondering the trivial matters of life - whether
out of habit, or out of necessity. These plays are fondly
dedicated to those who have had to do the same.
Lights go up on an empty stage. Nothing happens for an
extended period of time, until the MASTER OF CEREMONIES
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Oh God, I'm not late, am I? I'm
terribly sorry! I hope I didn't
keep you waiting long. It's been
an incredibly busy week for me.
You couldn't even begin to imagine
what I've been through . . . but
anyways, enough of that, huh?
You're here to see a play, of
course. I mean, you paid the
money, and now you're ready to be
entertained, right? Right. Well,
I've got a show for you folks
tonight. It's entitled "Frat Boys
Go to Hell." Yeah, I know. Crazy
title. It's an inside joke. Don't
ask. BUT - The play itself is
based on a true story. No kidding!
Well, it's true in that it could
happen. Then again, I suppose
that's true of any play, to a
certain extent, isn't it? But I
digress. Let's get to it. The
story begins at the administration
offices of my alma mater, Unknown
      (glances around
       the stage)
Hmmm. Well, as you can see, this
set looks very threadbare, so use
your imagination. Imagine, if you


                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES (cont'd)
will, the offices of a prestigious
college. A desk cluttered with
papers, a desk lamp, a mug of
coffee, a personal computer, most
likely a Dell - sorry, Apple fans
- and sitting at this desk is the
dean of this prominent college,
Vincent Masterson.
The actors have rearranged the set to somewhat resemble an
office. Masterson presses the button on his intercom.
Mary Ann, could you send Mr.
Topper in?
Tommy! Thank you for coming. I
know you have a busy schedule.
I'm never too busy to say good-bye
to an old friend.
Please, you make it sound like I'm
leaving forever. It's just a
conference, is all! Sit down,
won't you?
Topper sits.
I hope everything's in order for
your trip.
Yes, yes . . . well, no.
Actually, that's why I called you.
You see, I got some rather urgent
news -- and I must say that it
isn't good.


Vice President Nelson had a heart
attack this morning.
Good God! How is he?
He's in the hospital. Nothing
critical. Just a little bed rest.
But the fact of the matter is, I
need someone to take my place
while I'm gone.
I'm sure that there's someone on
the board up to the task.
Quite frankly, Tom, I don't want
just anyone from the board to take
my place while I'm gone. I want
somebody I can trust to do the
right thing.
So, who do you have in mind?
Why, you, of course.
Wha . . . me?
Who else?
But I don't have the slightest
idea of how to be dean of a
There's nothing to worry about.
Seriously, these institutions of
higher learning can basically run
Vince, this is highly unorthodox.
I mean, I'm just a philosophy


You're a fine, upstanding
gentleman is what you are. You've
had experience with the students.
You're the one man I'm most
certain who has the best interests
of this shcool at heart. So, old
friend, are you up to it?
Well, I'm your huckleberry.
Good! I knew I could count on you.
We'll have your stuff moved in by
What about my classes?
Nothing to fear. Professor Duggan
will be taking on your work load.
You're all set.
      (presses intercom)
Mary Ann, could you come in for a
Mary Ann enters.
Mary Ann, you'll be helping
Professor Topper move into the
office and to get acquainted.
Won't you, Mary Ann?
                       MARY ANN
. . .Yes. Yes, of course.
Well, I've got a few errands to
run before I head off. Any last
questions, Tommy?


I don't think so. If I have any
problems, I can get ahold of you
by phone, right?
Trust me - you'll be perfectly up
to the job and won't need my help.
I trust your judgment. Well, get
your things together. Be here
tomorrow at nine o'clock.
They embrace, old friends.
Good bye - for now, Tom.
See you.
Topper heads off. Masterson turns to Mary Ann, who looks
very solemn. He approaches her.
If Professor Topper . . . if Tommy
has any trouble, you will help
him, Miss Wilson?
She does not reply.
That's not a request, that's an
                       MARY ANN
An order! You talk as if this were
the army or something!
Please, let's not make a scene
                       MARY ANN
Why are you doing this to me? Is
this just some sadistic game to
you? You know what happened
between me and . . . Tom.


Yes, of course I know. But you're
just going to have to bear through
it. I'm not saying you have to
like it.
                       MARY ANN
Like it? He left me at the altar,
Dean! Left me for that bra-burner
in the Philosophy Department! He
probably doesn't even remember me
Mary, if there were any other
person who could help him get
settled in as well as you could,
I'd have them sit in. But there's
not. You're the best I've got.
He takes her chin in his hand.
Chin up, okay? Things will be all
right. I promise.
She smiles. He returns the favor, and picks up his carry-on
bags, ready to go.
Well, I must be off. Take care!
He exits.
Topper is working at the desk, looking over manuscripts. An
officer is with him, sitting in a chair.
My word, but this is interesting.
Hmm . . . Lorry, did you know that
the charter for this school called
for it to be dry "in perpetuity"?
In perpetuity?


Yes, it means forever. And here's
the thing - the law was never
revoked! It's simply not enforced
any more. Do you know what this
We have a golden opportunity in
our hands, Lorry. A chance to
reform this university for the
better. I am not going to pass
this up.
You won't get away with it, not
with the students . . .
"Get away with it?" Lorry, do you
realize what I am saying? Look at
these facts -- these reports!
      (hands him papers)
Drinking is a major problem on
this campus. It's the bane of this
campus. Alcohol-related crimes
have increased 86% over the last
ten years. 86%, and I'll tell you
why - we have become lax in our
law enforcement. We must break
down on it now, before it becomes
too out of hand!
But the board . . .
The board will back me up on this,
I'm sure. It's settled - as of
next Monday, September 27th, all
sales and consumption of alcohol
shall be prohibited on campus
grounds of Unknown University.
Very well, sir.
Lorry leaves. Topper smiles.


It'll be a great experiment. THE
great experiment.
Lights dim. The Master of Ceremonies returns to the stage,
carrying a brochure of Unknown University. The actors change
the set behind him.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Oh, silly me. Perhaps I should
give you a little more background
info on the setting before we
continue with the story. *Ahem*
      (reading off the
"Unknown University - Some
Back-water School you've never
heard of." That's the school's
motto. Don't ask me why. Unknown
University was founded in 1836 as
by Methodist missionaries -
remember, this was BEFORE they
drank - as a center of higher
learning. It has a faculty of 200
eccentrics and an enrollment of
2,000 misfits. Famous alumni of
U.U. include Nobel Prize Winner
Andrew Cornelius Vanderbilt; Edgar
T. Wallace, the first man on Mars;
acclaimed biologist Lionel Atwill,
who mysteriously disappeared. . .
KYLE KLAUDE, a stringy student with coke-bottle glasses and
a five o'clock shadow.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ah, wait! Here we go! This is Kyle
Klaude. He's important to our
      (to Klaude)
Hey, Kyle!
Oh hey, Bob!
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
You headed back to the house?
Yeah. Just finished a p-chem exam.
JULIA WEST, a exotic-looking coed, enters carrying her
books. Klaude acknowledges her presence.


Hi, baby.
They exchange the obligatory kiss.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Hey, Julie!
that's Julia West. She's Kyle's
Class went well?
Okay, I guess . . .
You guess?
You've forgotten, haven't you?
For-forgot what?
Our anniversary?
It hasn't been a year.
You ass! What about our two month
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Yeah, so . . . I'd better go, you
guys. See ya.
Yeah, thanks, Bob.
So? What happened.
I just got busy, okay? I have a
lot of work to do.


Work? Heh! Sometimes I feel like I
need to work to keep us together.
I thought we were going to do
something special.
I can't, though. I have to study
Yeah, this is like crunch time for
me. Why? What did you have in
I was thinking, maybe . . . dinner
and a movie?
Ehhhh . . . I don't know. Funds
are kinda tight. Why don't you
just come on over to the house and
eat with me? I don't think Izzy'll
Eat at your house again?
What? You don't like the food?
No, Kyle, it's just . . . you
always do this to me. You never
want to go out because you think
it's "a waste of money," so we
always end up eating with your
fraternity brothers.
. . . That's bad?
It's just . . . I only wish we
could do something alone,


Alone, together. . . okay. Tell
you what. We can go bowling
tonight. Good? I think I have
enough money for that.
You certainly know the way to a
girl's house, don't you?
Come on. We don't want to be late.
He takes her by the shoulder and leads her off. The MC
re-enters with the same brochure.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I suppose I should mention that
Kyle is the president of my house.
Speaking of which, let's get on to
the fraternities, since they play
a big part in this story. U.U. has
a significant Greek population on
campus. At least 75% of the
student population is Greek, with
12 fraternities and 8 sororities
to choose from. The fraternities
include such houses as Lambda Chi,
Farmhouse, Acacia, Theta Kappa
Epsilon . . . and my own beloved
house, Beta Rho Upsilon!
At mention of this, one of the stagehands takes him by the
shoulder, and they sing the song of Beta Rho Upsilon.* The
brothers sit down at the table. The MC turns to DAN, one of
his brothers.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
You're in fine voice tonight, Dan!
You've got a couple of handles to
thank for that!
Enter Klaude and Julia.
Ehh, great. Klaude brought his
cum-dumpster of a girlfriend to
steal our food again.


It's nice to see you too, Luke.
Cut it out, you two. Does anyone
know what's for supper?
Well, the poster on the "cow" said
we were going to have spaghetti
tonight . . .
That sounds pretty good.
. . . But, seeing as how it's 5:30
and Izzy hasn't announced supper
yet, I'm beginning to wonder.
Isabel Croner, known to the boys as IZZY, enters the room,
cleaning her hands.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Our house mother, Isabel Croner,
commonly referred to as "Izzy."
All right boys, I know you're all
hungry, but I've got some news for
you. First off, I managed to fix
the plumbing, but I didn't have
time to make any supper for you.
The brothers groan and complain.
This is incredible. Your own HOUSE
can't even afford supper!
Now, wait - I didn't fix any food
for you, so I ordered some pizzas
from Papa Tino's!
Masterson, dressed as TINO, enters, carrying pizzas. The
guys begin to cheer.
Bon giorno, boys! Dig in!


                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
      (to actors)
Wait a minute!
Ladies and gentlemen, your eyes
are not deceiving you. This is not
just another example of
double-casting in our show. That
is indeed Dean Vincent Masterson
wearing a beret and fake moustache
with a bad Italian accent. His
reasons for doing so . . . well,
we'll get into that later.
The brothers line up to eat.
      (to Julia)
See, babe? Everything worked out!
Thanks again, Tino.
No problemo.
I've just had a lot of work
lately, but I'm glad to get that
plumbing out of the way.
Signora Izzy, why-a you work so
hard? You always workin' so hard.
You never take-a da break. You
need to go on a date, maybe.
Seriously, Tino. Me, dating? At my
Well, you don't hafta go on-a da
date for to look for the Signor
Croner . . . go for drinks, or a
meal, et cetera. Like me. You go
with me to-a lunch sometime?


Si, si! An' I-a promise -- no
eating ANY Tino's! We go out
some-a place nice!
Friday at 12:30?
Are you serious?
Hey. What's a yours is a mine, and
what's a mine is a yours.
Okay. I'd love to.
The brothers are eating as DAVID OPPENHEIMER PARKINSON, a
rotund student with a short haircut, wearing a vest and
Uh oh, here's comes the dick
Quit calling me that!
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
But that's your house's name,
right? Delta Iota Kappa?
                       1ST BROTHER
Wait, and you're the president,
I guess that makes him the
DIK-head, then!
The brothers laugh hysterically. Parkinson tries to quiet
them down.
Stop that! Quit calling me that!


What would you rather be called?
Morbidly obese?
Klaude, I just stopped by to say
that my house didn't appreciate
your little practical joke last
Look, how were we to know your
house was going to miss all of its
spoons? You weren't using them.
Don't cross me, you little pig.
Things are gonna change around
here. It won't be long before the
administration gets word of what's
going on around here, if you catch
my drift.
Well, I'll be sure to keep my eye
out, then.
Ohhh, you'd better. Because my
fraternity isn't going to put up
with some pissant house that
thinks it can challenge our
You sound very self-confident,
Dave, maybe even haughty.
      (looks at watch)
Uh, Kyle, it's about time for
Well, Dave, as much as I'd like to
stay and chat with a fellow
fraternity president, I have more


                       KLAUDE (cont'd)
pressing matters to attend to.
Dan, Rob, could you show him to
the door?
Dan and the MC start to drag (with great effort) Dan to the
Once this house shuts down, we'll
get all your ritual paraphenalia
and whatnot - the robes, the
candles, the books - and the
Get him out of here.
So long, bong-licker.
      (to Julia)
Sorry, honey. You need to go too.
No profane are allowed at a grand
He gently hands her a piece of pizza.
But . . . our dinner, and bowling
. . . This is the worst two-month
anniversary I've ever had!
      (looks her over)
Well, there's a first time for
everything, sweetie.
She stomps off in a huff as the boys laugh. They finish
their food and head off-stage. Izzy and Tino watch them walk
off. As they walk off, the MC re-enters in a ceremonial robe
with a candle.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
The scene is the Meeting Chamber
of the Worshipful Brothers of Beta
Rho Omega. I am not at liberty to
show you a full recreation of the
events that happened at that
meeting, due to the nature of my
vows as a Worshipful Brother . . .
something to do with disemboweling
and immolation, you know. I am


                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES (cont'd)
allowed, however, to show you a
short segment of the conversation
during the house news part of the
The ceremony begins. All of the brothers, dressed in
ceremonial robes and bearing candles, stand in a
semi-circle. At the center is Klaude, standing at a desk
with a gavel. He raps it three times, and the brothers blow
out their candles. He raps it again, and they are seated.
This meeting of the Elders of the
Sacred Enlightenment is called to
      (raps the gavel
Brother Pontifex?
Dan stands and salutes Klaude.
Is the portal to this chamber well
protected, with all Knights of
good standing located within?
It is, Lord Inquisitor.
Very well. With all good and holy
acts of reverance and brotherhood
demonstrated, I shall now open the
floor for general discussion.
He raps the gavel again. Luke's hand shoots into the air.
Yes, Brother Sanguinatus?
What're we gonna do about the
upcoming party?
The brothers hiss him.
                       2ND BROTHER
You must adress the Lord
Inquisitor in the manner of


Fuck the ritual! This is more
important than the ritual! This
party is coming up next week!
                       1ST BROTHER
That's right - what are we going
to do about the BRU-Ha-Ha party?
                       2ND BROTHER
We haven't missed it in years!
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I don't know if we should risk it.
You saw what happened Delta Nu
after the Jamboree Bash - shut the
place down!
                       1ST BROTHER
And they'll do the same to every
house caught having a party!
I heard that Kappa is being exempt
from the alcohol policy.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Yeah, the Kappa alumni threatened
to remove their scholarships if
they weren't allowed to drink.
Pays to have the administration on
the fucking payroll, huh?
                       1ST BROTHER
We can't give up the party! Our
house has been doing this for
                       2ND BROTHER
We can't risk this! A party is
just asking for the administration
to shut down our house!
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
What about non-alcoholic parties?
The other brothers mumble to the negative, such phrases as
"no way" and "it's out of the question."


Gentlemen, it is our God-given
right to drink beer, ski, pop our
collars, and mantain an overall
fratty atmosphere in our house.
Are you so scared by the threat of
social probation that you would
give up the promise of drunken
escapades? No! We must do this. We
can do this. We will do this.
Now, if there are no further
objections, I suggest that we move
on to further business.
I second.
All those in favor?
They answer in the affirmative.
The "ayes" have it.
      (hits gavel)
We shall now proceed onto the
business of . . .
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I'm not allowed to let you see the
rest of our meeting; otherwise,
I'd have to cut out your tongue
and all that jazz. Anyways, the
beer run took place as scheduled.
Unfortunately, it was a dark day
for our house.
Kyle walks back on-stage with Lorry. Lorry handcuffs Kyle.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Campus security caught our
brothers in the act of driving the
alcohol back to the house. Three
of our brothers were placed under
arrest, including our president,
Kyle Klaude.
Lorry takes Kyle off-stage. Izzy, Luke, and a few other
brothers re-enter. The rest of the stage is being
re-arranged for the office again.


                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Still, Beta Rho may be full of
drunken, unsocial losers, but we
were never ones to stand by and
let one of our brothers get into
trouble. So, after great
deliberation, we figured that we
would get the most effective
speaker in our house to go and
argue Klaude's case. So, wouldn't
you know it - they picked Izzy.
Izzy enters into Topper's office.
Please, have a seat, Miss . . .?
Isabel Croner.
Haven't we met before?
Yes. It was the scholarship dinner
for Beta Rho. I'm their house
How silly of me to forget. Now,
what is it that I can help you
I want to talk to you about Kyle
Oh, that. I'm afraid there's
nothing that can be done about
him. The university has already
brought him up on charges of
buying alcohol. I'm afraid he'll
have to be expelled.
Expelled? Kyle's the legal age to
drink. He wasn't intoxicated.
The fact of the matter is that Mr.
Klaude was caught carrying alcohol
on a dry campus.


Mr. Topper, you've been to my
house! You know my boys! They
don't drink to excess. They're a
good house. Their GPA and their
involvement reflects this . . .
I'm not showing favoritism here.
The law is the law, and he broke
it knowingly. Let him set an
So, you are going to be this harsh
with each and every student
involved in drinking alcohol?
If that's what is needed to clean
up this campus, yes.
If you expel every student on this
campus who drinks, I'm afraid you
wouldn't have enough tuition to
support this school. That's the
plain truth.
It's better to be severe now,
ma'am, and instill some fear into
these kids again. That'll make
them respect the law. Make 'em
think twice about -
      (consults police
acts of indecency, vandalism,
drunk driving! . . .
Let me ask you a question: if a
student gets drunk at a party and
passes out, and could possibly
require medical help, what makes
you think that his friends will
risk being expelled by calling
public safety?
They should know better in the
first place. The law is the law.


I see. You care nothing about the
students. You care only for the
law. What you forget is that these
laws were made to protect the
students, not to destroy their
careers. It's one thing to have
the power of the law behind you.
It's another thing entirely to use
the law as you do!
      (stands up)
I can see that my coming here
hasn't done any good at all.
Wait a minute, Miss Croner. Maybe
I can help you.
I'm listening.
I've got a hypothetical question
for you: what would you be willing
to do in order to keep Mr. Klaude
from being expelled?
I'd do anything, within reason.
"Within reason." You and I are
awfully reasonable people, don't
you think?
Yes, I should think so, although
I'm starting to wonder about you.
Well, how's about . . . let's say
. . . well, sometimes you have to
do a little wrong to do a little
right - right? You wouldn't argue
with that.
What are you implying?


Cryma-nitley, lady! Are you this
naive, or you just acting? Either
way, it ain't no good for me.
Wait - you don't possibly mean
that I . . .
Durn it all, yes! Share my bed!
You want me to sleep with you?
Shhh!!! They'll hear you outside!
I don't believe this! You must be
      (starts to leave)
I am NOT going through with this.
Do I look like I'm joking?
You want to keep your boy from
being expelled, right?
Not if I have to do this! You are
a sick man, sir.
What you're suggesting is immoral!
You need to be reported!
Hah! I'd like to see you try.
Do you think you can stop me?
I'm a pillar of this community.
You're just a house-mom divorcee
who's past her prime. Who do you
think they'll believe?


Someone will believe me. Just you
wait. They will.
She leaves.
      (yells after her)
It won't be anyone important! Rest
Topper laughs. The actors begin to change the set again.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Dean Topper's words struck deep.
Izzy did not bother to tell anyone
of her predicament. Who would
believe her? She was silent. She
could not reveal the awful
proposal that had been made to
her. Finally, the strain was too
much. She could not keep the
secret any longer, so she decided
to tell it to the one person whom
it might benefit - or might not .
. . The county jail.
Klaude is miming being in a jail cell. Julia stands without,
Baby, I'm sorry it had to come to
She sighs.
I called my parents last night.
They're getting a lawyer - the
best one they know! They're going
in tomorrow to set the bail. I
don't think it should be too big
and my parents could probably pay
it. There's a chance the
university might deny a bail
though, because of tendency to
flight or whatever the hell it is
they call it. It's a long shot, I
know, but . . .


Kyle . . . I'm sorry. I just can't
take it anymore. I want out of
Well, you picked a killer of a
time to tell me.
These last few days I've been
thinking about us and I just don't
think that -
You stupid bitch! How could you do
this to me? You're lucky I'm in
this cage, otherwise I would come
out here right now and tear you
Miss West, I think your time is
up. If you'll follow me, I'll just
show you to the door . . .
Lorry leads her out. He re-enters, with Izzy and Luke behind
Klaude, there's someone else here
to see you. And I suggest that you
treat her better than you treated
that poor girl!
      (to Luke)
I'll only be a few minutes, Luke.
Wait outside.
      (to Klaude)
Hello, Kyle.
Hello, Izzy. Did you get in touch
with the dean?
Yes, I spoke with Dean Topper.
. . . And? What did he tell you?


He's not going to let you off.
Well, isn't there anything else
you can do?
I'm afraid not, Kyle. I'm sorry.
No. No . . . This can't be
happening to me. I'm a good
student. Captain of the swim team.
I was going to graduate in three
months! I was on the Dean's list!
Phi Beta Kappa! I had an offer
from the med school in . . .
Listen. If there was a way to get
you out of here, even if it was an
"ethically ambigious" way of
getting you out, would you want it
to be done?
Of course not. That's out of the
Oh, thank heavens! There for a
second, I thought you weren't
going to say that! But I can trust
you. I can trust all my boys! -
- Why? Did you have something in
What does it matter? You've made
up your mind!


On second thought, if it means me
getting out of here . . .
But what if it meant that -
someone very near and dear to you
had to compromise themselves to do
Compromise? What are we talking
Well, I don't think I hardly need
to explain myself . . .
Are we talking "Indecent Proposal"
stuff here?
Yes. Very much so.
Ah. Well in that case . . .
Who are we talking about, here?
Someone very near and dear to you.
Hmmm. Is this a guy or a girl?
It doesn't matter.
Is it someone in the house.
That's not important right now.
Just don't ask.
Masterson (dressed as Tino) enters with a brown bag.
Here's-a the philly. $5.20.
Thanks, Paps.


One of my classmates? Are they in
my geology class?
Look, I'm not going to sit here
and play "Guess Who" with you all
night! It's obvious that you don't
care about anyone or anything
besides getting out of here. Well,
you can stay in here for all I
care! Goodbye!
Exucsay, Signorina Croner!
Yes, what is it?
It's-a me, Tino? I remember we had
a date today, but you missed it.
So sorry.
What are you talking about, Tino?
      (realizes to what
       he refers)
Oh. The "date" date. I'm the one
who should be sorry. God, - it's
just this trouble with my boys
recently . . .
I couldn't help-a but to overhear
your chit-a chat. Maybe I can-a
Please don't. No one could help me
out . Not now.
Now now now. Tino thinks he a
knows what's wrong. Dean Topper
want you to a do somesing not so
nice, eh?
How on earth did you find out?


When you in a da pizzeria
business, you know a everything.
Papa Tino know quite a bit about
Ol' Topper.
That's all fine and well, but how
could you help?
I have a da proposition. Topper
will get a his wish.
What?!? Do you know what it is
you're asking me to do, Tino?
She starts to move away, but he grabs her arm and brings her
to sit down.
I'm not asking-a you. I'm gonna
get someone to-a take your place.
Then Topper think-a that you
have-a da fun with him, so he let
go Signor Kyle in exchange. But
you gadda do just one thing more.
What's that?
You tell-a him you no do this
unless he let you wear a paper bag
on-a da head.
So now you're adding insult to
No, no. Sometimes, you gotta take
an insult to avoid injury. But
it's-a important that you tell-uh
Topper to let you do-a this.
Uddawise, the plan is-a no good.
Are you sure you can get away with


Of course! Papa Tino gotta da
whole thing planned out. Now, just
go on home and first-a ting you
do, call Topper and say dat you'll
meet him tonight at-a da office
at-a 10 o'clock. I'll take it
from-a dere.
Tino, why are you doing this for
Hey, what's-a mine is-a yours and
whatsa yours isa mine.
Thank you.
She clasps his hand in her, and smiles. Then she stand up
and leaves, Lorry leading the way. Tino smiles. He's got it
made. The MC enters as the rest leave the room.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
      (to audience)
Excuse me if I step out of
character, but I'd like to see
what exactly Masterson has in mind
by this whole charade.
      (to Tino)
So, Dean, what's with this Italian
It's all part of my plan for the
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
The campus?
Yes. You see, I want to clean up
this school. Thing is, I'm afraid
that if I handled it the way I
want to, I'd be kicked out of
every teacher's union in the
country. So, I decided that if I
couldn't do it, I'd would delegate
my authority to someone I could
trust. That's why I appointed
Topper. He's the only man I know


                       MASTERSON (cont'd)
that will be strict enough. So,
when I come back to school and
things are cleaned up, I can take
over the Dean position, and Topper
will take all the responsibility
for what has happened.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
So, basically, you're passing the
I'm trying to do this in the most
effective way possible. I may be
stern, but I'll be a saint after
what they've been through with
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Not the way things are turning out
True, things might not be going
according to plan - right now. But
things will be back on track
before you know it, just wait and
The MC steps forward as the scene is changed once again.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
And see we shall - for that very
night, Izzy, as promised, called
Dean Topper to give her consent;
and Topper, as promised, presented
himself at the office at ten
o'clock. Oh, and the stipulation
on Izzy's part - she had to wear a
bag on her head the whole night.
Topper, a little disturbed but
nonetheless eager for the
rendezvous, complied, and they met
at the office, ready for a night
of frivolous fun. After hitting up
all three of the area's local
bars, they retired to Topper's
home, in order to, er, consummate
the relationship.
Topper and "Izzy" come into the room. They are both
stumbling, singing badly, and laughing.


What a night!
Isn't it? Good food, good beer,
great dancing . . . it's been
simply superb.
Hmmm . . . yes.
And I was lucky enough to be
dancing with the cutest lady -
wearing a paper bag.
Are you going to take that off
. . . In good time.
All right. Can I get you something
to drink? Gin, whiskey, a martini
. . .
Do you have any scotch?
All right, Missy. Scotch comin'
right up.
He walks over and begins to pour her a scotch.
I actually got this scotch from a
junior's stash. Lived in one of
the apartments. You'd be surprised
what stuff these kids have in
their bars . . .
This is confiscated?
Okay, yes it is. I know what
you're thinking: "Aren't you being
a hypocrite drinking this?"


Naw - it has to go somewhere.
Ha! You're right! It does have to
go somewhere. Well, I know the
perfect place to put it, too.
      (hands her her
There you go. Bottoms up.
They drink up.
I hope you didn't get the wrong
idea when I asked you out at our
Uh, oh - I mean, yes, of course.
I don't want you to think that I
go around doing this to every
woman who meets me with that sort
of request.
Oh, really? Then, is it just every
other woman you come on to?
Say, when are you going to take
that stupid paper bag off of your
head? You gonna wear it all night?
He grabs at it in an attempt to take it off.
Why're you wearing that thing? Did
someone drop acid on your face as
a baby, or something?
No. It's - the biggest fashion in
France, haven't you heard?


Come on. It's gotta come off
sooner or later!
He begins to rip at the mask, and her clothes. She slaps
him, which stops him dead in his tracks. He falls back into
his chair, taken aback.
I'm sorry. I wasn't always such a
I find that hard to believe.
I mean, I was young once just like
everyone - I sowed my wild oats -
but thank heavens none of them
went to seed, you know? I drank, I
partied hard, I knew lots of women
- I mean, KNEW them - but there
was one, oh God . . . was she ever
a prize. I met her at this party,
part of some reception for -
Henry Kissinger?
Kissinger? Yes, that was it.
Jesus, was she something. Funny,
attractive, with a mind like a
steel trap, a dictionary and a
gutter rolled into one. We hit it
off right away. Wouldn't you know
it, ten days later we know we love
each other so much that we got
engaged. I'd say of all the
relationships I had, that was the
one I felt the most proud of.
Congratulations. Whatever happened
to this Miss Wilson?
Well, I - wait, how did you know
her name?


      (grasping at
Has a nice ring to it?
Anyways, it was the day before the
wedding. A few of the professors
and myself went out for a bachelor
party. Nothing too bad, right?
Well, I got the chance to meet one
of the new philosophy professors
there. I got into this
conversation with her. We talked,
and talked, and talked, and next
thing you know, we slept together.
Me being the little horntoad that
I was, I decided to run off with
her. Heh. Like that lasted long.
Two days - TWO DAYS - and we were
through. It was then and there
that I decided to clean up my
life, and swear off all the booze
and drugs and women. That is,
until tonight.
Why on earth would you cheat on
your fiancee like that?
I guess I thought she was a
kindred spirit, someone who
understood the deep existential
crises that faces humankind in
everyday life, but in retrospect,
I think it might've had more to do
with the fact that her rack was
stupendous. But no - I only wish I
could set things right with Mary
She really meant that much to you?
You have no idea. Maybe that's why
I asked you here this evening. You
remind me so much of her. Maybe,
in some "karmatic" sort of way, I
could make it up to her, through


He takes her hand.
Mary Ann - did she have hands like
Oh yes, very soft.
Was she about my height, and my
Yes, I'd say so. Very nice.
"Izzy" takes off the paper bag. She is, of course, Mary Ann.
Topper cannot help but stare.
Oh my God. Your imitation is
He begins to laugh hysterically, but she jumps him, and they
proceed to make out. The MC re-enters at this point.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Ah, how I love it - the professor
and Mary Ann! Isn't the irony just
too good to be true? Well . . .
that might be so. A few days
later, Izzy went to the pizza
place to meet Tino - to see if the
night was a success.
Izzy enters the police station, where Tino is waiting. He
smiles as she approaches, but she has nothing for him but
the back of her hand.
Thanks for everything, you pig!
Eh, como?
She hands him a letter.
Miss Croner - we regret to inform
you that, due to extenuating
circumstances regarding the
alcohol policy of this campus, the
administration will not be able to


                       TINO (cont'd)
comply with your request to
dismiss the case of Mr. Kyle
Klaude. The case will continue as
scheduled on . . .
I don't know if you involve every
girl you like in a cruel,
misleading practical joke, but a
bit of advice: it doesn't work.
She opens the door. Luke comes in.
Take me home, Luke.
      (to Tino)
Thanks a bunch, you fucking daigo.
Mlle gratzie, I try-a to help you
and Signora Croner.
Yeah, if it's anyone's fault, it's
the fault of that douchebag
Excoo-say, what?
Hadn't been for that cock-sucker,
we wouldn't have to deal with that
tightass Topper. Trust a little
shit like Masterson to take a
situation like this and make it
Now, I'd watch-a my words if-a I
was-a you. You don't-a know what
lengths Signor Masterson goes to
for-a da kids's sake.
"I'd watch-a my words if-a I was-a
you." Fuck off, wop.
      (to Izzy)
Let's go.


Tino raises his hand, as if he were about to strike him, but
he checks himself, unbeknowest to either of them. They walk
off, Izzy glancing back one last time. As soon as they
leave, Tino walks over to Kyle's cell. Kyle has fallen
asleep. He takes a key out of his pocket and unlocks the
cell door. Tino goes over and picks up the phone, while
Lorry isn't looking.
      (as Masterson)
Campus Security? I'd like to speak
to Sgt. Lorry, please.
      (picks up phone)
This is Sgt. Lorry.
      (as Masterson)
This is Dean Masterson. It has
come to my attention that some
houses are planning to have a
party this evening. I want a
reward of $5,000 dollars given to
anyone who finds out the location
and perpetrators of this party,
Yes, sir.
      (as Masterson)
There's some more paperwork I'm
going to need you to fill out from
the justice of the peace -
The scene goes dark, and the MC steps forward again.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
So, it was finally time. Beta Rho
was having its big bash with our
neighbor sorority Phi Delta
Upsilon, or Phelt Up. And as far
as parties go, they were going all
out. Sure, the guys in the house
knew that they were going to hit
the trail soon enough, so they
decided to have one last hurrah
before they would be expelled


The stage erupts into a drunken bacchanalia. Half-naked
college students gad about the stage, drenched in beer and
exhilirating joy. Tiki torches are lit.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
All of you who think that greek
students are irreligious
libertines are gravely mistaken.
Granted, we do not worship
Jehovah, Allah, Brahma, or Buddha.
We worship a deity that is ever
present in the minds of all men,
especially "the morning after." We
worship a deity that walks on
water turned to wine - and beer,
and vokda. We worship that trinity
of popped collar, Ray-Bans, and
spiked punch . . . Behold, my
friends, the holy rites of the
greek party, in veneration of the
Almighty ALCOHOL!!!
One of the brothers tries to hand a drink to the MC.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
No, thank you. I'm a non-believer
Gentlemen, a toast!
They raise their glasses.
Here's to kisses snatched, and
vice versa!
The crowd cheers raucuously. In the heart of the festivities
appear a group of girls - the Felt Up girls.
                       1ST SISTER
What's wrong, Ollie?
This party is lame.
                       1ST SISTER
What's so bad about it? Lots of
drinks, lots of tables for
dancing, lots of boys -


Boys! I'm so tired of boys! I need
men! I'm drunk, and now I need a
                       1ST SISTER
Bu there's plenty of guys here to
choose from!
I wish I had a manly man to date,
one who is strong, and forceful,
not like these pansies!
Klaude enters, disheveled and pale. His brothers rush to his
side. The girls, especially Dunne, are enamored.
What a . . . wow . . .
Klaude! Damn, how did you get out?
Somehow, my cage was unlocked. I
found out and escaped when Lorry
was asleep.
It doesn't matter now. We've got
to get him somewhere safe.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Somewhere out of state.
Not a chance.
Parkinson steps forward.
You're staying right here - you
and all your brothers.
How the hell did he get in here?
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
I advised a guest list . . .
When I found out you escaped from
jail, I managed to follow you all


                       PARKINSON (cont'd)
the way over here. I knew your
friends were going to have a party
of some sort, so I took the extra
precaution of calling the police.
They shoud be here any minute, and
I'll be getting my $500. Talk your
way out of this, Klaude. Nothing
can help you now.
      (raises his beer
Cheers, buddies. Enjoy it while
you can.
That's it. I've had it with you.
You want our secrets? You gotta
work for them.
      (to the brothers)
Give him the treatment.
The brothers grab Parkinson. They pin him to the floor.
A few brothers keep him pinned down. The others drag in two
mattresses. They sandwich Parkinson between the mattresses
and tie them together with bungee cords.
Take him to the roof. Drop him.
      (inside the
He sticks his hand out, but they stuff it back in. They
start to carry the mattress sandwich out of the room, but
drop it when they hear the sound of Lorry's loudspeaker.
                       LORRY (O.S.)
Come out with your hands up! We
have you surrounded! Hand over
your hostages and no one will get
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Looks like the party's over, guys.


Like hell it's over. Come on,
everyone! They're not gonna get
our charter without taking down a
few of us first! Luke, Jim, bolt
the doors and board up the
windows! Paulie, Trigger,
Poopstain, save up all the food
and alcohol you can, it's going to
be a long siege. Robert! Bring the
charter in here! Ladies, barricade
yourselves over in the corner!
Don't worry, Love, we won't be a
Guard this with your life. If we
lose this, it's all over!
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Right-o, Kyle!
All right, Dan. Time for the last
He swings open the doors of the dresser, displaying a gun
rack. He starts to hand out the rifles to the various
Dio mia! You's a-gonna shoot them?
But you'll kill them!
It's all right. They're just
paintball guns. Paint won't kill
them - but the humiliation will!
All right, guys. Ready to fire on
my mark. Here they come. Take aim
. . . FIRE!!!
Gunfight ensues. Brothers fall as the fight goes on. Kyle
tries to rally his forces. In the confusion, Tino sneaks up
behind Kyle and grabs him in a headlock. The brothers hold
their fire.


All right. Nobody-a move, or it's
kiss-a-death for da Kyle!
      (to Klaude)
'Dis is for-a your own good, Kyle.
Hands off, Tino! I've got you in
my crosshairs!
You shoot me, you getta no more a
da food!
                       1ST BROTHER
Don't do it, Dan! I don't think
he's kidding!
Drop-a da guns!
They drop the guns. Tino walks to the window.
Okey dokey, cops! Andiamo!
      (to the brothers)
All right, boys, put your fazolis
to the wall. Don't wanna hear-a da
peep outta anyone!
They place their hands on their heads and walk over to the
wall. Enter Lorry and one or two other cops. Lorry motions
for them to go over and take care of the brothers. Enter
Situation under control, Mr.
Everything's fine here, sir. You
know, you really don't need to be
No. I want to see these
troublemakers face to face.
      (to the students)
I'm sorry it had to come to this,
kids. But you broke the rules, and
there's a price to pay - that
price is expulsion from this
institution and a permanent blot


                       TOPPER (cont'd)
on your academic record. You were
warned. Lorry?
The officers begin handcuffing the students.
I gotta da boss right here!
Ahh, Tino! Well done! Take care of
them, officers.
As they are being handcuffed, Luke slips out a knife that he
has been hiding in his sleeve. He cuts the officer trying to
cuff him and corners Tino.
Say goodnight, garlic breath!
Luke and Tino struggle, during which the wig and moustache
fall off. Those watching gasp in amazement. Luke falls back,
shocked. Topper is equally shocked.
Dean Masterson?
What the hell?
Hell, indeed. I've been here on
the campus the whole time, just
watching how things would be going
in my absence.
      (takes a look
Woo boy.
And you see how these kids have
turned it into a cesspool! -
It wasn't just the kids. I think
you gave them ample help. I
couldn't have thought of a worse
nightmare - an increase in
drinking, unregistered parties,
DUIs, underclassmen going to the
hospital rather than jail - the
more you tighten your grip, the
more coeds slip through your


                       MASTERSON (cont'd)
Yes, I just quoted "Star Wars" . .
I was trying to stop them! How can
I help it if they're just bunch
of frat kids?
      (cutting to the
- And rumors of faculty corruption
and extortion!
      (after a passing
       glance at Izzy)
I don't know what you're talking
I think you know exactly what I'm
talking about. And I doubt that
I'm the only one here.
So, I'm not getting any leniency,
I suppose?
No, quite frankly. Fortunately for
you, I've learned that a "no" is
easier to change to a "yes" than
the other way around. I'll let you
off the hook on two conditions:
first, you must revoke the current
alcholic policy, de-expel these
students and un-arrest Kyle
      (drunken aside)
Isn't that three?
And two?
Well, here she is now.
Mary-Ann steps forward. Topper gulps.


I think you know what you need to
do with her.
Don't I get some time to think it
over? I mean, it'll take time to
find someone who can marry us -
Actually, Lorry can do it right
now. I had the justice of the
peace appoint him as Deputy
Marriage Commissioner just for
this occasion.
      (looks at Mary Ann)
Well, one poison is prettier than
the other - but I guess since
"leniency" is tonight's theme,
I'll be more than willing to let
these kids off the hook.
Good. Lorry, marry them.
      (to the students)
Now, don't think you're off the
hook. You weren't exactly chubby
little cherubims yourselves. I
want you to clean up your act.
Start some acoholic safety
programs in your houses. Provide
more opportunities for those who
don't drink.
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
If they exist.
Mr.Masterson, as a house that has
traditionally relished our close
ties to the administration, I am
more than willing to comply with
these requests; and my first
official act in this regard is to
appoint Dan Grant as our chapter's
alcoholic advisor.


      (drops his bottle)
Sir, I am confident my experience
will serve me well.
      (to Luke)
As for you, I'm afraid my lenience
has dried up.
I was just defending the house!
For encouraging underage drinking,
slandering a faculty member, and
assault and battery, I should have
you expelled and thrown into jail.
This cannot be happening.
But I understand that most of this
can be attributed to the
influences of alcohol and
fraternity life. I am therefore
removing you from membership of
your fraternity and putting you
into rehab.
Rehab??? - You might as well throw
me in jail and suspend me!
      (to Parkinson)
As for you, my therapeutic friend,
you will get your reward of $5,000
dollars - in the form of a
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE BEEN
Mr. Lorry -- if you please, I'd
like to ask you to perform those
duties one more time.
I don't believe this . . .


I know I've been wrong, and
foolish, and pig-headed. Well, I
did it because I thought I could
change things for the better. I
was too damn idealistic. I thought
I could turn men into angels.
Well, I can't. I'm just a man. I
just don't have that sort of moral
character. If there's anyone who
could do it, it's you.
Izzy starts to leave.
Izzy -
Leave me alone! I'm tired of being
toyed around with for your little
No more schemes, I promise.
Lorry is officially a deputy for
another -
      (looks at watch)
Ten minutes. Now, you probably
don't want me to tell you how I
would do anything for you, but --
what's yours is mine, and what's
mine is yours.
You could never manage your time,
could you?
      (looks at
       Masterson, and
Don't leave just yet, Mr. Lorry
She takes his hand in hers. They stand before the
Oppenheimer as he performs the marriage ceremony once again.
                       2ND BROTHER
So, does this mean we're losing a
house mom?


                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Now all is content - the school is
wet once again, our president is
out of jail, and it looks like
everyone has found a mate - well,
except for me. But I AM the Master
of Ceremonies for a reason!
Julia walks up to the Master and kisses him.
Hey! She's my ex! You can't do
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Wanna bet? This is my story, I
tell it like it is!
But you can't just make stuff up
as you go along!
                       MASTER OF CEREMONIES
Watch me.
      (to audience)
Good night, folks! Hope you
enjoyed the show! Lights!
Lights go down.


Back to Top of Page
Leave Feedback
There is currently no feedback for this screenplay.

Back to Top of Page
Leave Feedback
You must be logged in to leave feedback.
Home    My Account    Products    Screenwriter Community    Screenwriter's Corner    Help
Forgot Your Password?    Privacy Policy    Copyright 2024, ScriptBuddy LLC.    Email help@scriptbuddy.com