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Roommates - Ep. 8 - "Three Man Show"
by Todd Smith (iamwhatiwrite@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Owen, Brittany, and Tabby are forced to live together for a week as the result of a bet. This covers one day of said week, however, since sitcom episodes occur weekly, it is assumed that the remaining days of the week were unaccounted for.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced by anyone but the author, and the author will not grant permission to do so to anyone other than himself.



BRITTANY and TABBY are sitting on opposite sides of the
couch, both looking away from each other and frowning in
frustration. OWEN is in the kitchen area holding a pot of
freshly-brewed coffee and a mug.
      (pouring coffee)
Guys, are you gonna be like this
all day?
Maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Owen, you might wanna call the
exterminator; there's a rodent in
here and she's bothering me.
BRITTANY and TABBY gradually turn their heads towards each
other, but once their eyes meet, they whip their heads back
into their original positions. OWEN finishes pouring his
coffee and walks into the livingroom, sitting down in an
You two might as well learn to
like each other. We have to live
together for a week, remember? We
lost our money to Rachel and Beth.
OWEN sips his coffee.
      (sneering at
Yeah, no thanks to Max Bet
Brittany over here.
Look, I'm sorry okay? Owen's
right. If we're gonna have to live
together, we might as well forget


                       BRITTANY (cont'd)
our differences and be friends.
      (turning to
Just for this week?
BRITTANY and TABBY are now sitting normally on the couch,
facing each other.
Just for this week.
Okay, I guess.
      (holding arms out
       for a hug)
Come here.
TABBY holds her arms out in agreement and both her and
BRITTANY are about to hug when Tabby pulls away. She grabs a
pillow from behind her and throws it at BRITTANY.
Just kidding!
TABBY is laying on the couch watching TV. BRITTANY is in her
room (OS), and OWEN is out.
      (to TV)
Give it a rest, Bill and Judy! You
tried for four years to prevent
your kids from doing the things
you did as kids and it never
worked. It was bad enough Lifetime
let you do it for that long.
BRITTANY comes out of her room and suddenly notices TABBY
watching TV. She quietly sneaks over to the fridge and grabs
a bottle of water. She quietly sneaks back over behind the
couch, unscrews the cap from the bottle, and pours the water
all over unsuspicious TABBY. TABBY falls off the couch in


      (staggering to her
       feet, soaking wet)
Brittany! What was that for?!
Throwing the pillow on me earlier!
Well yeah, but I didn't do
anything to you to make you look
sexually appealing!
      (under breath)
Not that much can...
      (pointing at Tabby)
I heard that!
      (crossing arms)
Fine. Two can play at this game.
TABBY walks to the fridge and grabs a jar of marachino
cherries. She holds them out in front of her showing
BRITTANY and walks slowly towards her.
      (stepping back)
No! Not the cherries!
      (almost maniacally)
Yes. Yes, the dreaded cherries.
The same cherries that, if he
wasn't constantly comparing them
to his own cherries, Owen would
make into cherry cheesecake.
      (freaking out)
But since now, nobody wants to eat
them, we are forced to live in a
cherryless, cheesecakeless world,
and for that, someone must suffer
and it sure as hell isn't gonna be
      (stepping back,
       acting as if her
       life is at stake)
Tabitha, we can talk it over, you
know, as adults. You don't wanna


                       BRITTANY (cont'd)
do this.
TABBY opens the jar of cherries.
Oh yes I do!
TABBY pours the cherries all over BRITTANY.
Ugh! Tabitha!
Oh don't act like you didn't know
it was coming!
I knew, but I didn't think it
would be this messy. I mean look
at me!
      (presenting self)
I look sloppier than Rosie
O'Donnel when she came out! The no
makeup was bad enough, but that
haircut? Come on.
TABBY turns away and crosses her arms.
Well that's what you get.
OWEN enters carrying three bags; two in his left hand, one
in his right. BRITTANY approaches him in relief.
Owen! Thank god you're home.
      (presenting self)
Look what Tabitha did to me!
OWEN, still being near the door, places the three bags down
on the couch.
      (to Tabby, fake
OWEN reaches in one of his bags and pulls out container of
cream cheese.


      (to Tabby)
You forgot the cream cheese.
OWEN opens the container of cream cheese, grabs a handful,
and throws it at BRITTANY, but before it reaches her, she
ducks, causing the cream cheese to hit TABBY directly in the
Now, it's war.
TABBY slowly walks over to OWEN, threateningly.
      (stepping between
Guys, guys. Are we really doing
this? I mean come on, we're
freshmen in college. Don't you
think we're a little too old for
Brittany's right. I think we all
just need to go out and do
something to take our minds off
Oh, what about that new coffee
place, uh...
...uh, The Brewery!
Perfect, I'll meet you guys
OWEN exits.
      (secretively, to
We'll get him at the coffee house.


OWEN is sitting alone at a table. His foot is tapping, and
he repeatedly checks his watch.
How long does it take to 'get some
fresh air?'
BRITTANY and TABBY enter, spot OWEN, and sit down at his
Finally. Have enough 'air?'
Oh, right. Yeah.
      (to Brittany)
We weren't doing anything
OWEN and TABBY look at BRITTANY strangely.
      (calming down)
Oh, uh, I mean yes. Yes, I had
enough air.
      (BEAT, stalling)
Uh, I think I'm gonna go get some
coffee. Tabby, come with me.
But I'm not thirsty.
      (tugging Tabby's
Tabby! Let's go get some coffee.


Oh, that coffee. Got it. Okay.
      (to Brittany)
What did she mean by 'that
Nothing, I didn't mean nothing.
      (fake angrily)
Now can we please go get some
coffee? Huh?
BRITTANY and TABBY go to the counter to order coffee. OWEN
remains seated.
                       FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)
      (to Woman Behind
I'd like a--
                       WOMAN BEHIND COUNTER
      (cutting her off)
I'm sorry. I'll be right with you.
The WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER exits to her left.
                       WOMAN BEHIND COUNTER (O.S.)
      (annoyed, to other
       female customer)
I said wait!
      (lightly shaking
Britt this is your chance!
I don't know. Don't you think the
waitress will notice if I put "You
should have gotten the diet,
fatass" sign on her back?


What? No, no! This is your chance
to get Owen. Just sneak behind the
counter, grab something wet, and
whip it at him!
No. No, I can't. What if the
waitress comes back?
      (pulling out fake
Then you put this on. She won't
even recognize you!
      (pushing Tabby's
       hand away)
Are you crazy? I'm not gonna put
that thing on! And besides, even
if she doesn't recognize me,
what's gonna make her believe I
work here?
Brittany, this is a coffee shop.
Men with moustaches always work at
coffee shops. That way when their
coffee misses their mouth and
lands on their upper lip, no one
will notice!
I still won't feel comfortable in
that thing.
Ugh, fine. I'll do it. Just go sit
down and distract Owen.
BRITTANY returns to OWEN'S table and sits down nervously.
      (looking for
       Brittany's coffee)
What took you so long, where's
your coffee?
Well Tabby's--


      (cutting her off,
And why do you look so flustered?
Damn, Owen, what is this twenty
      (loudly, to
Can't a girl sit in a coffee place
without a cup of coffee and live
her life without being suspected
of anything?! My god, oh my god,
I've never felt so guilty for no
reason since my last confession.
TABBY looks around to make sure nobody is watching her. She
puts on the fake moustache and casually walks behind the
counter. She lifts two of the soda guns, one in each hand,
and readies them, hiding them under the counter so as to not
be seen.
      (clearing throat,
       deepening her
       voice to sound
       manly, to Owen)
Excuse me, young man?
OWEN pays no attention to TABBY.
Excuse me, young man with the hot
pink aura!
OWEN realizes he's being talked to, looks up, and looks to
the counter.
      (normal voice)
Take this!
TABBY shoots soda from each soda gun at OWEN with full
force. OWEN puts his arms in front of his face to try and
keep his face dry. BRITTANY turns to the table behind her
and grabs a virtually empty glass of soda out of a man's


      (to Man)
Excuse me for a second.
Hey, I wasn't done with that.
Well you should get a refill then,
shouldn't you?
      (reaching for
Yes I should.
      (turning back
       towards Owen, to
Not now, later.
BRITTANY gets up and walks to OWEN'S side of the table.
      (to Owen, holding
       glass over his
I'm sorry sir, would you like ice
with that?
BRITTANY pours what's left of the soda and the ice over
OWEN'S head.
Brittany! What the--
      (ceasing fire,
       leaning over
       counter, to Owen)
Had enough yet, Owen?
                       WOMAN BEHIND COUNTER (O.S.)
What is going on?!
The WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER enters, hands on her hips,
looking angrily at TABBY.
      (standing up)
Well, I've always felt that
honesty is the best policy, so...


                       BRITTANY (cont'd)
      (brief BEAT,
       pointing to the
       man behind her)
It was this man!
OWEN and BRITTANY exit the coffee shop running. TABBY is
laughing at BRITTANY'S comment, notices the waitress is
staring at her angrily, instantly stops laughing, and exits
the coffee shop running.
BRITTANY, TABBY, and OWEN all enter running, but slow as
they get further into the apartment.
      (out of breath)
I can't believe you two!
      (catching breath)
We're sorry, Owen.
      (to Brittany)
What's this 'we' business? Speak
for yourself.
OWEN and BRITTANY stare at TABBY expectantly.
Fine. I'm sorry, too.
Now look. We almost got kicked out
of The Brewery, which you know
we're gonna want to go back to,
but can't. Now you both know
better. There are better ways to
embarrass me than in public!
But it's more fun in public.
'Humiliate' is more like it.


Now what do you two have to say
for yourself?
      (approaching Owen
       with puppy eyes)
Daddy, I'm sorry I didn't listen
to you.
      (pointing to Tabby)
But she started it!
Both BRITTANY and TABBY burst into laughter.
Guys, I'm serious.
Owen, lighten up.
Yeah, we had fun. That's what
matters. We used to do that kind
of stuff all the time.
Well we're in college now. Don't
you think we should grow up?
Owen, college or not, we're always
gonna have the same sense of
      (turning away)
Not everything stays funny
Owen, come on, be reasonable! I
know, what we just did wasn't
exactly mature and was way out of
line. But that's the fun of it. We
can always laugh about things
after they happen. College isn't
only about maturity and and
growing up. If you don't have any
fun at all, you're gonna hate it.
The expression on OWEN'S face lightens up.


This isn't the Owen I became
friends with.
      (turning back to
       Tabby and
You're right. I'm sorry.
It's okay. I just didn't want to
see you turn into my older sister.
Wait, you have a sister?
Nope, I was just trying to make
you feel better.
Well thank you. It worked.
OWEN and TABBY hug. OWEN walks into the kitchen area and
grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. BRITTANY and TABBY
sit down on the couch and turn the television on.
      (leaning on
       kitchen counter)
You know, I'd feel better if your
sister was a twenty-something,
single male.
Don't push it.
OWEN is in the kitchen preparing coffee beans to make
coffee. TABBY enters from OWEN'S bedroom.
What are you doing?
What does it look like, I'm making


At ten at night?
Well somebody's gotta make sure
you and Brittany don't kill each
other in your sleep.
TABBY grabs a granola bar from the fridge and an issue of
Time Out New York, sits down at the round table and begins
flipping through the magazine while eating.
On second thought, you better make
it two cups. Not sleeping at all
is easier than sleeping with one
eye open.
What are you talking about?
Brittany doesn't intimidate you,
does she?
No, no, I was gonna bring it to
TABBY hastily flips through the magazine looking for
something intriguing.
God, Owen, don't you have anything
else besides outdated issues of
Time Out! New York?
What can I say? I like to keep
track of what's new in New York.
You know, new places to go, new
shops opening up, different
events, that sort of thing.
Oh yeah?
TABBY flips to the back cover of the magazine and looks at
the bottom.
I didn't know 2002 was so new.
Huh. Oh god, if it's 2002, then
I'm only in 9th grade. It's gonna
be so hard to rethink those


                       TABBY (cont'd)
excuses I used to get out of
detention for telling that teacher
her hickeys made her look like a
OWEN walks to the round table and hands TABBY her cup of
coffee. He then sits down.
Here you go. And suddenly I don't
think I want mine.
      (snatching other
       cup of coffee
       from Owen's hand)
Oh good, I'll take it.
      (BEAT, sipping her
So about tonight...
TABBY winces and looks down into her cup of coffee.
Ugh, gross, black coffee. I
haven't had a taste of anything
this bland since Daniel
Bedingfield's first CD. What a
waste of nine ninety-five.
      (motioning for
       Tabby to finish
       her sentence)
So about tonight...
Oh, okay. So about tonight,
where's Brittany sleeping?
Uh...in her bed?
But that's not fair! I'm the
guest, why can't I have her bed?
Make her sleep on the couch!


I have an idea. How about you can
have my bed, Brittany sleeps in
her own bed, and I'll sleep on the
No, too easy. I need someone who
will fight back. Which is why
Brittany would be perfect.
But fighting is all you two have
been doing since the bet started.
Well you know the old saying; if
you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
Tabby it's the other way around.
Not the way I see it. And besides,
Brittany has a Tempur-Pedic. But
with her temper, I don't think
it'll work.
Tabby, that doesn't make any
sense. Do you even know what
Tempur-Pedic means?
      (BEAT, staring at
So who gets her bed?
Why don't you ask Brittany?
TABBY stands up.
Good idea.
      (walking back to
       Brittany's room,
       stopping when she
       comes to the door)
Hey Brittany, Owen said I get your
bed tonight so just get over it!


      (standing up,
No, I did not--that's not what I
Oh, sorry.
      (to Brittany)
He said you're getting the couch
so if you move a lot when you
sleep you better be prepared to
fall. A lot.
BRITTANY enters from her bedroom.
      (to Tabby)
      (to Owen)
I can't sleep on the couch, you
know this. It hurts my back.
      (to Brittany)
God, Brittany, for a 20-something,
you've sure got all the symptoms
of old.
      (under breath, to
Don't forget annoying.
Anyway, Brittany, I never said any
of that stuff. She lied to you.
Oh come on, 'lie' is such a strong
word. I like to think of it as
more of a failed attempt at
Brittany's discomfort.
      (to Brittany)
But if you wanna get technical, I
lied. Honestly.
Well I'm sorry that your attempt
failed. But I need my bed.


      (stomping foot)
But I can't sleep on the couch. I
So do I, that's why I--hey! You
just told me that if I move a lot
when I sleep I should just get
over it! So why don't you get over
Well it's funny when you do it.
Oh. So my pain makes you laugh? Is
that it?
Well now that you put it that
BRITTANY begins stepping towards TABBY, causing her to keep
stepping back.
So this is the way it's gonna be,
TABBY runs behind OWEN and grabs onto his shoulders.
BRITTANY stands still, crossing her arms.
Owen, hide me!
      (to Tabby)
I thought you said she didn't
intimidate you.
Yeah, I thought you--hey, wait,
what? Why don't I intimidate you?
      (to Owen)
She doesn't intimidate me. But the
thought of her intimidating me
would have made me laugh. And I'm
just that polite to not laugh in


                       TABBY (cont'd)
someone's face.
BRITTANY approaches OWEN and TABBY.
Owen, move.
But I--
      (cutting him off)
I said move!
Okay, okay.
OWEN moves out of the way, exposing TABBY to BRITTANY.
      (steeping up to
I'm not afraid--
      (cutting her off)
Of me? Oh I think you are.
I was gonna say...I'm not afraid
to go steal your bed right now!
TABBY attempts to run into BRITTANY'S room, but before she
gets too far, BRITTANY grabs her by her ponytail to stop
Ah! My hair, my hair!
What did you say?
I said...
Let go of my hair, damnit!
      (pulling her hair
       gently out of
       Brittany's hand,
       calming down)
Now. Let's sit down here, and
settle this like adults.


BRITTANY slowly sits down in a chair at the round table.
TABBY remains standing.
Aren't you gonna sit down?
Nope, you fell for it!
TABBY runs into BRITTANY'S room and slams the door.
      (opening door,
       sticking head out)
      (slams door)
OWEN is in his room asleep. BRITTANY is laying on the couch
watching TV, looking aggravated. TABBY opens the door to
BRITTANY'S room and quietly sneaks out. As she attempts to
close the door, it creeks somewhat loudly, and she winces.
Guess again.
TABBY slowly walks to the couch but does not sit down.
      (sitting up,
       making room for
Can I sit down?
Well you took my bed, might as
well take the couch.


TABBY sits down.
Thanks, I think.
There is a brief BEAT.
Listen, I'm sorry for, you know,
taking your bed.
      (brief BEAT)
And for everything else I've done
to you for the past day.
      (turning off TV
       with remote)
Why are you like this?
What do you mean? I apologized.
So that's it, right? You act
immature, you get on people's last
nerve, and then you just
apologize. Like it was nothing.
Brittany, I'm sorry if I get on
your nerves, but I'm just--
      (cutting her off)
Tabitha, it's not that. It's the
fact that you do it all the time.
Take today for example. You knew
we'd be together for the entire
day and so you made it your
mission to make me miserable.
TABBY stands up.
      (somewhat offended)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I 'made it my
mission to make you miserable?'
And how, exactly, did I do this?
The cherries, the coffee shop, you
took my bed. And even after I told
you I couldn't sleep out here.


Okay. First of all, everything I
did to you, you gave back in an
equal blow. Second of all, why is
everything suddenly my fault?
Not everything, just everything
that's happened since you moved
into this building.
      (turning away,
I can't believe this.
What's not to believe? I just
explained everything.
      (turning back)
No, Brittany. You explained some
things. But you left out one
important detail; you started it.
      (standing up)
What? Is that some kind of a joke?
Might as well be, since everything
I do seems to be a joke to you.
Don't you get it? I tried to be
your friend! When Owen first
introduced us, I was nice, okay? I
made the first moves and tried to
be friendly, but I could tell you
didn't like me.
What are you talking about?
Oh don't act stupid, Brittany,
okay? You constantly gave and
still give me the cold shoulder. I
still try to loosen you up but you
won't budge! And you're constantly
telling people how immature I am.
Well, you are.


Hey, I have fun! Is there
something wrong with that? Is
there something about having fun
that just turns you off, Brittany?
At least I'm not uptight and a
workaholic like you are.
What's that supposed to mean?
It means, 'at least I'm not
uptight and a workaholic like you
are'! Yes, I know I can be
immature, and yes, I am well aware
of my age, but I know how to be
serious and I know when to be.
Look, I know life can be hard, but
frankly, I don't care how hard it
is, I'm always gonna be the one to
make the joke. If I don't enjoy
life and make the best of it, then
I'm gonna end up miserable and
alone and that's not my goal.
      (stepping away)
Life's not all fun and games,
Well then what is it, Brittany? Is
it work, work, work, and
obsession? Is it constant
seriousness and never fun? Because
if that's the only criteria to be
an adult, then I'm gonna be a kid
TABBY sighs.
You know, I was gonna give you
your bed back, but now you can
fall off the couch all you want.
TABBY swiftly walks back into BRITTANY'S room and quietly
closes the door behind her.


OWEN and BRITTANY are sitting at the round table. OWEN hands
BRITTANY a mug of coffee, holding his own in his other hand
along with the paper, and sits down.
So how was your night?
Not so good, Tabitha and I had a
Is this supposed to be news to me?
No, I mean like an actual fight.
Oh, that bad, huh?
TABBY enters from BRITTANY'S room.
Not really, I just couldn't find
the remote and accused her of
sitting on it.
BRITTANY looks up at TABBY curiously, TABBY winks at her.
Okay then. Since we all know that
I suck at making coffee, How about
we go to the Brewery, hmm? I read
it's now under new management.
Hmm, I wonder why.
I'll meet you guys there. I have a
feeling you want to talk.
OWEN exits.
Tabitha, I--
Forget about it. We were both up
late, we were tired, and I'm
sorry. It was a stupid fight.


No it wasn't. You were right, and
I'll try to be more laid back from
now on.
And I'll try to be more mature
from now on.
      (brief BEAT)
On second thought, no I won't.
BRITTANY and TABBY smile at each other.
Now let's go get some coffee.
Before I throw up from watching
you try to drink Owen's.


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From Alex Draven Date 11/16/2008 ****
I think that it was marvelous.Great job.I was in tears I laughed so hard.Gimme more this was a hoot.If it ever becomes an actual TV Show I'm watching it.

From Kris Shaft Date 8/10/2007 **1/2
Pretty good. I smiled and/ or giggled a few times, but didn't laugh. Good plot, dialogue, and moral tho. I can't wait to see the rest! By the way this is so PG not PG13 at all.

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