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Battyman and the Photographer who Shot Me
by John Scott-Morton (pinkgoat8@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



The scene is filmed in black and white, a typical old style
news broadcast pre-technicolour.
                                         ESTABLISHING SHOT
The film opens to show us a small amateur cricket green with
pavillion, we see two teams competing on the pitch along
with a handful of semi-interested bystanders near the
      (Voice Over)
This is the story of a remarkable
young man, a man who would
overcome his insatiable critics to
become probably the greatest
superhero the world has ever seen.
A man known to the world as
Battyman! Here we see him in his
infantcy, on the fateful day which
saw him transition from a your
average boy, in to a super gay
boy. Super because he had super
powers, not as in he was super gay
alhtough he really was so it works
in both senses.
Here we seee him participating
in a cricket match with his fellow
orphan friends, none of whom have
names so to save confusion we
shall call him orphan four.
The match is in motion, orphan four is coming out to bat at
number four, he is dressed in his shiny whites and has a
beamning smile on his face.
                                         SFX APPLAUSE
The bowler runs in and bowls a ball of perfect length,
orphan four steps forward and takes a gargantuan swing at
the ball smacking it high and far in to the sky.
                                         SFX SMACK OF BALL


The Umpire makes the relevant signals with his hands to
indicate that the shot went for six.
                       ORPHAN 4
Oh sweet a six! Get in.
                                         SFX APPLAUSE AND
The umpire suddenly looks a little bemused and wanders to
the other end of the crease to chat to his fellow official.
Hold your horses young chap, I
believe that you are meant to be
on the other team your supposed to
be fielding.
Orphan four suddenly doesnīt look quite so elated, his grin
turns to a frown and his starts to blush.
                       ORPHAN 4
Oh, I see. So.....
Yes indeed...
                                         JUMP CUT TO
The cameras attention suddenly shifts to the small gathering
of bystanders near the pavillion.
                       BYE 1
Oh no! (gasps)
                       BYE 3
What, whats going on? I donīt get
                       BYE 1
That, that young man..He, hes
batting for the other side.
                       BYE 2
You mean..Heīs an uphill gardener?
                       BYE 3
What? So heīs gay?


                       BYE 1
Yeah, pretty much.
                       BYE 3
Oh, well in that case anyone for
With that the group dissapear off in to the pavillion and
the camera flicks back to the game in hand.
                                         ZOOM IN ON ORPAHN
                                         SFX LAUGHING AND
We see Orphan four get gradually redder and redder, all
other noises fade out and we are left with just the booing
and laughter.
                       ORPHAN 4
oh no, what does this mean? What
have I done?
      (Voice Over)
The noise of all the other orphan
kids laughing at him, coupled with
the realisation he had done
something profoundly stupid and
the extremely thick wooly jumper
he was wearing took its toll on
pour orphan four. It was all too
much for him to take.
We see orphan four suddenly stop and keel over, falling
right on to the stumps behind him smacking his head off
                                         SFX SICKENING THUD
The light fades out until everything goes black.
                                         JUMP CUT
We then see the other orphans huddled around the sprawled
out orhpan four adorning the floor, his eyes are closed and
he is completely still.
Then his eyes suddenly shoot open, revealing piercing blue
eyes that were not there before.
                                         ZOOM IN ON EYES


Orphan four quickly hauls himself up off the floor, dusting
himself down as he does so.
      (Voice Over)
As orphan four pulled himself up
off the grassy floor it was clear
to all around him that he had a
certain new found aura. Something
was visibly different about him,
he was no longer just a simple
orphan, he was destined for
something great, something
amazing. Nobody realised it at the
time but this young man would one
day save the world from complete
obliterration, which you must
agree is quite something.
I feel so Different, I feel like I
could save the world some day.
Thats pretty cool.
All the comotion on the pitch had brought the previously
disinterested bystanders back out of the pavillion to see
what was going on.
      (Voice Over)
Hmm I need a cool new name if I am
to save the world, no wait make
that two cool new names. My
superhero name can be......aha
Battyman, because of what has
happened here today. Also an alter
ego...hmm let me see something
Surrey as thats where we are maybe
Clerke as I met one once, yes that
will do nobody will ever suspect a
thing. Clerke Surrey a.k.a
Battyman....How cool is that?
The gathered crowd stands around bemused, whilst Battyman
deliberates new names in his head.
                       BYE 1
Is he going to do something? Or
      (Voice Over)
I wonder if they can hear me.


                       BYE 2
I wonder what he's thinking.
      (Voice Over)
Sweet they can't, I can talk in my
head and they don't know what i'm
saying. Awesome what a gift.
With that Battyman dons some black Ray Bans, adopts a stance
to fly; reminiscent of that of a bird. Before squatting down
and then shooting off up in to the clouds.
                                         CAMERA PANS UP AS HE
                                         JUMP CUT
Having wathced Battyman take off the camera cuts back to the
remaining crowd.
                       BYE 2
So that whole episode gave him
super powers then?
                       BYE 3
Guess so.
                       BYE 2
                       BYE 1
Where'd he get Ray Bans from?
                       BYE 3
I don't know.
The bystanders shuffle off back to the pavillion, this time
for someting stronger than tea, whilst the other orphans
continue with their cricket.
Shit, thats the third time this
                                         SLOW DISSOLVE
The scene opens with a bang, we go no real establishing
shot, the camera starts from afar before zooming right in on


a man falling down from a great hight. Along the way we see
plenty of tall buildings and skyscrapers, in what is a very
urban scene.
                                         ZOOM ON FALLING MAN
                       FALL MAN

Help me.
Suddenly out of nowhere a white flash; akin to an angel.
Swoops in from the sky and grabs the falling man inches
before he becomes a bloody mess on the concrete. Before
dropping him off conveniently near to a local news crew.
I Battyman have saved this poor
soul from perishing.
With that he flaps his arms in what is a rather camp display
and ascends in to the sky.
                                         CAMERA SHOT BECOMES
Having witnessed the miraculous rescue of the falling man,
the intrepid reporter swoops in to get a first hand account
of the incident.
                       NEWS WOMAN
Hi there, channel four news team
here. You were just saved by one
they call Battyman yes. How does
it feel?
                                         EYE LINE MATCH,
                       FALL MAN
Well erm, you know it was ok I
                       NEWS WOMAN
Would you care to elaborate on
that please, I mean were it not
for him you would surely have
fallen to your death.
                       FALL MAN
Well erm I was actually trying to
kill myself, I'd been planning it
for months. Getting my affairs in


                       FALL MAN (cont'd)
order and that, so yeah actually
I'm a little annoyed truth be
                       NEWS WOMAN
Oh I see, well in that case I
would imagine your pretty pissed
really, him just spoiling your
plans like that.
                       FALL MAN
Yeah there is that, but also he's
gay. What's with that? I mean I
have nothing against gays per say,
but I swear he touched my leg on
the way and i'm just not down with
that sorry. It's just plain
                       NEWS WOMAN
So what your saying is that your
not happy being rescued by a gay
                       FALL MAN
Damn straight.
                       NEWS WOMAN
Well thank you for your time sir.
So the feeling here is that people
just don't want their superheroes
to be gay it's that simple. This
is the channel four field news
team signing off.
The rescued man the dissapears off in the direction of
another tall building, the news crew pack up and head off in
their van whilst the gathered spectators dissipate, all
going their own way shaking their heads very dissaprovingly.
You could tell it wasn't going to
be easy for poor Battyman, people
in this day and age just didn't
seem to want a gay superhero, for
the most part they would rather
have no help than gay help. And it
would take something rather
spectacular to sway them. Or would


The scene opens at the feet of a yet unknown character, he
is wearing very old fashioned black shoes with white tips,
reminiscent of the godfather trilogy. The Camera then pans
up the body to reveal a very outlandish purple suit complete
with yello shirt and purple tie. His hair is dark and
ruffled stylishly and his eyes appear to be a hazel coulour.
                                         EYE LINE MATCH WITH
Our stranger moves forward swiftly approaching a reception
area bearing the emblem of The Daily Penis; a popular mens
magazine. Behind which a middle aged mildly attractive
blonde women is sat filing her nails.
Good Morning Mr Surrey.
Why good morning Janet, any
messages for me?
Well the editor wants your piece
on that new strip place on his
desk by five. Also Lewis told me
to give you a kiss from him.
Erm, (blushes) why don't you hang
on to that for me then. I must go
very busy, thanks.
We see Clerke become visibly uncomfortable at the thought of
a kiss from this women, as he makes his excuses and shuffles
off in the direction of the elevators.
(Shouting) See you later Janet.
The elevator arrives at the ground floor with a ting and
Clerke practically jumps in it. The doors then close slowly
obscuring our protagonist until the close fully and he is
                                         ESTABLISHING SHOT


The scene opens with an establishing shot of an office door
at the end of a corridor, there is writing upon the glass
section of the door, but it is blurred with the distance and
as yet we cannot make out what is written.
                                         EYE-LINE MATCH,
The camera moves forward at walking pace, we realise that we
are seeing through the eyes of another unknown character, he
carries something in his hand as he walks. He is walking in
the direction of the end office, as he approaches the
lettering on the door becomes clear and it read: Clerke
Surrrey, Investigative Writer.
                                         SFX CREAKING DOOR
The door burst open to reveal our character from the lobby;
Clerke Surrey. Sat behind a desk typing away at a computer.
                                         ANGLE SHOT
Moring Lewis.
He says rather nonchalantly, bearly even breaking his gaze
from the computer screen.
The camera switches to the end of the desk so that both
chracters are now in view of the audience. The newcomer is
wearing a white shirt with black trousers, he wears a trilby
on his head, with a camera round his neck and no tie. He
adequately dressed but nothing groundbreaking he also
carries a copy of the days newspaper in his hand.
As he enters Lewis steps forward and kisses Clerke on the
forhead, before throwing down the days newspaper on the desk
clearly enraged.
Have you seen this?
                                         EYE LINE MATCH,
We now see the man in the doorway though the eyes of Clerke.
His is a rather stocky man, with a large moustache. On his
chest we see a badge which reads: Lewis Track Photographer.
What is it? What am I looking at?
I'm really quite busy Lewis.


The headline, there just read it.
Clerke looks down at the newspsaper sat upon his desk, on it
is a picture of Battyman about to fly off after his dramatic
rescue yesterday. However above it is a caption which reads.
"Battyman touched me!"
This is ridiculous, it says here
that Battyman is gay and therefore
shouldn't be allowed to work with
people. How do they even know that
he's gay?
Well erm, he is called Battyman.
If he didn't want the public to
know he was gay he should maybe or
given his name a second thought.
Oh fiddlesticks that's just daft,
everyone knows he's called
Battyman because he got his powers
from cricket.
They do?? This is America, nobody
even knows what cricket is.
Course they do, its obvious.
Well to the public it's obvious
that he's gay, hence Batty. If it
was purely for the cricket thing
then why didn't he just name
himself Batman, or something?
Batman?? hahahhaha, oh you do make
me laugh sometimes Lewis. Batman
indeed? Like any self respecting
superhero could expect to be taken
seriously with a name like Batman!
ahahah ah thanks i needed that.
Well people wouldn't think he were


Hey hey, were he here right now he
would probably be very offended
and likely on the verge of tears.
So just stop it with your harsh
words please.
Ok ok, well agree to disagree. Gee
whizz Clerke, no need to take this
so personally. Anyway I have a
photo shoot to attend so I shall
see you later. Ok
With that Lewis kisses Clerke on the head again, before
dissapearing back out the way he came closing the door
behind him.
Oh if only Icould tell him, what
am I going to do?
With that Clerke grabs the newspaper, screws it up and
throws it in the direction of the bin.
                                         SLOW MO PAN SHOT
The camera pans slowly following the twizzling ball of paper
in the air, finally the paper finishes its air time, hits
the rim of the bin, spins slowly around it before sliding
in. The camera stays focuses on the bin in the corner.
                                         SFX CHAIR CREEKING,
We hear the chair push back, hurried heavy footsteps. The
door then opens and slams very noisily. All the while the
camera is still focused on the bin.
                                         ZOOM TO BIN
The camera zooms right in on the bin, leaving us with the
image of Battyman on the front cover of the paper.
This scene is a montage scene, comprising purely of
different shots to create a general feeling for our
Superhero in the eyes of the public.
                                         PAN SHOT FOLLOWING


Here we see Clerke Surrey walking though the streets of
Centropolis, his tie in loose and his top button unfastened,
he carries his jacket over his shoulder. As he walks he
shoves his hands deep in to his pockets and his feet scuff
against the floor as he walks, he looks highly dejected and
very sad.
Walking though the streets he passes a shop selling
televisions, Clerke carries on walking but the camera stops
and focuses on one of the televisions with something playing
on it.
                                         STILL ZOOM AND FOCUS
Clerke walks off screen and the televsision slowlx begins to
fill the screen as the non-diagetic becomes the diagetic,
one of the other televisions is on a rock music channel
playing Yesterdays by Pennywise. This sound merges with the
noise of the television to become the background music for
this montage.
Television shows man being interviewed
                       INTERVIEW MAN
Itīs supposed to be superhero, not
In the same way a televsion flicks when the channel changes
we hop to a popular day time talk show.
                       INTERVIEW MAN
My son wants to be like Battyman
when heīs older, I donīt want be
son looking up to some poof as a
role model. I donīt want a queen
for a son.
Switches to a church sermon in a local Methodist Church
Now here this, I personally am all
for Earth having a savior, but how
can we embrace this man to be our
saviour, does the bible not
condemn homosexuality, it is a
disgrace, a mockery if you will.
A political debate in congress.
So Senator, what your saying is
that we canīt put our lives in the
hands of this man because he is a


                       SPEAKER (cont'd)
Your damn right thatīs what iīm
saying, how can we trust him to
save our lives, our loved ones
lives or even our childrenīs
lives, we just donīt know what
else he might be hiding. He is the
most powerful man on earth, which
also makes him potentially the
most dangerous, how can we trust
him when hes not straight?
The screen suddenly goes blank, as though a button were
pressed somewhere and we are left in total darkness as the
scene ends.
                                         ESTABLISHING SHOT
The scene opens where our previous montage scene finished,
our opening shot is from the midrift of our new character.
Infront of us we see a recently switched off televison along
with an outstretched arm brandishing a remote control.
Ahahahahahahaha, that should take
care of Battyman and i've barely
even had to lift a finger; well
except to operate this television!
ahah oh I am such a genius, with
Battyman out of the way I shall
embark on my crusade to take over
the world.
The camera pans around the room briefly, the walls of the
Sprite's lair are plastered with posters, pictures and
diagrams. As the camera takes us around the room we can see
various plans and schematics of some description, the focus
is slightly off and so we cannot really make out any detail
however what we can see as we follow the camera futher is a
wall dedicated to Battyman.


The scene gradually fades out until the screen is blank and
all we are left with is laughter. As we are left oblivious
as to what the Blue Sprite is plotting.
                                         ESTABLISHING SHOT
The scene opens to show us Clerke Surrey lounging on a
chaise lounge, he is dressed as he was earlier except by now
he has lost the jacket, tie and shoes in his hand he is
holding a tab. The apartment is a fairly regualar looking
apartment with its furnishings; the colour scheme and
artwork/pictures aside.
What am I going to do?
He starts to cry.
Actually no why am I getting my
pants in a twist over this? If the
world doesnīt want a homo for a
hero then they shall have no hero
at all. I shall cease to be
Battyman, the worldīs guardian
shall no longer be myself, they
shall have to learn to deal with
their own problems. Thatīl teach
Clerke leaps up off the chaise lounge, with a new found
I have seen the light, I know now
what it is that I must do. I shall
use my powers to teach the world a
valuable lesson, hopefully
something horribly catastrophic
will happen and they will perish
without their lovable and
sensitive hero. Also it will give
me more time to devote to my work
and my lovelife. Plus it will
spare me the embarrassment of
having to come out to Lewis about
all this superhero stuff.


Clerke then does a quick spin which creates a blinding white
                                         SPFX BRILLIANT WHITE
When the light subsides we see that we are no longer looking
at Clerke Surrey, our new character is wearing brilliant
whites along with matching shoes, his hair is no longer
slicked back it is ruffled and spiky, his contact lenses are
there no more revealing his brilliant blue eyes and he looks
macho in an oddly camp way.
Itīs time to put an end to this.
Battyman walks to the door leading out to the balcony, he
tries to open it but its stiff and wonīt budge.
Aw stupid door, whereīs that WD40?
Battyman wanders off screen in to the kitchen, we then hear
lots of rummaging about before he emerges a few minutes
later brandishing a spray can of WD40 and a set of household
Ewww this stuff is greasy..
He walks back to the door and sprays both the hinges and
lock mechanism with several coats, retreats to the kitchen
returns the spray and gloves and then washes his hands.
                                         SFX TAP RUNNING
Right door, youīd better open this
He tries the door again this time adding a little elbow
grease as well.
                                         SFX BREAKING GLASS,
Having put a little back this time into opening the door,
when Battyman gives it a push the entire door falls out of
the frame, snapping the wood and shattering the glass on the


Ooops must have used to much oil,
oh well i shall fix that later but
for now i have business to tend
With that Battyman walks out on to the balcony, taking care
not to stand on any broken glass. He then adopts his stance
lifts his arms to fly before soaring off high in to the
night sky.
                                         ESTABLISHING SHOT
The establishing shot in our scene is of a typical news
conference, with a table in the centre of our screen, laid
out with áll the various microphones and sound recording
equipment. Infront of the table in the foreground síts many
eager news reporters, ready and waiting to report.
                                         SPFX BRILLIANT WHITE
Suddenly there is a bright flash in the left corner of the
room nearest to the door, the out of the light walks
Battyman dressed in his usuual superhero attire. He walks to
the middle of the table pulls out the chair and takes his
                       REP 1
Well that was quite a flashy
entrance really.
                       REP 2
Way over the top, if you ask me.
                       REP 2
Hmm yeah.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, a little quiet
Quiet! Heīs going to say


                       REP 1
                                         ZOOM TO BATTY
The room grows quiet and the camera switches its attention
back to Battyman and zooms in on his face so that he fills
the screen.
                                         SFX CAMERAS CLICKING
Thank you for assembling on such
short notice,
I have called you here tonight as
I have an announcement to make. I
would like to make it known that I
am officially stepping down from
first class Superheroing.
The room suddenly falls very quiet and still, for a few
moments nobody moves, nobody even utters a breath.
                                         SFX GASPS
After a prolonged silence, the room comes out of its coma
and party is restored, the cameras snap away again and every
reporter in the room simultaneously tries to question
                                         SFX CAMERAS
I guess itīs pointless me asking
if there are any questions then?
His joke is wasted upon a noisy, bustly audience.
Ok then, erm yes you there with
the camera.
                       REP 1
So does this mean that you will
cease to superhero altogether?


No, not quite I shall no longer be
doing top-flight rescuing but I
shall do some work still in some
of the third world countries.
                       REP 1
So not America then?
Erm no, sorry.
                       REP 2
What is the reason for this sudden
retirement, is it drug related?
No unlike many who have to step
down this has nothing to do with
drugs, it is purely for personal
                       REP 2
So itīs to do with you being gay.
Is that correct? You donīt feel
comfortable being gay in what is a
predominantly hetero field.
Ok you lot, listen up and listen
good, as I shall not repeat
                       REP 3
Iīm sorry what?
I said I wouldnīt repeat myself.
                       REP 3
Oh, ok do proceed.
Thanks, ok let me set the record
straight. I am perfectly
comfortable with the fact that I
am infact not straight, however it
is this constant persecution of me
for being so. I just canīt take it
anymore, if the world wonīt accept
me for being who I am then I shall
no longer be the worldīs servant.


                       BATTY (cont'd)
We see Battyman become visibly upset, as tears begin to
stream down his soft cheeks.
                       REP 1
Sorry Iīm a little confused still.
So why are you stepping down?
Battyman pushed the chair back from the table and stands up,
whilst doing so he wipes his eyes with his sleeve.
Sorry thats it, no more questions
please. You must excuse me.
Having stood Battyman then moves
towards the exit, as he does so
the reporters all stand and shout
and snap away.
                                         SFX CAMERAS AND
As Battyman left the room the
reporters carried on as they had
before, not really grasping the
gravity of the situation. Little
did they and the rest of the world
know that they had just pushed
away the one and only man who
could save them from what was to
The scene opens with a shot of the back of an old brick
building, with a single metal door leading out in to a dingy
alleyway. The door swings open, out steps Battyman he lights
a cigarette complete with a holder for the butt and takes a
few drags. The only light comes from a single street light
above us casting its light down over Battyman in what is a
very film noire style shot.
Sniffs, ahh thats so good.


He continues to puff away on his cigarette.
Those vultures hounding me like
that, no appreciation at all for
anyones feelings. Well they'l be
sorry, they'l all be sorry.
He finishes his cigarette, stubs it our cafefully and then
finding no bin or ash tray to put the butt in, wraps it in a
piece of tissue and puts it carefully in his pocket.
After doing so he reaches in to his pocket on his chest
and pulls out his pocket watch to check the time.
Oh fiddlesticks, is that the time?
Crikey I had no idea it was that
late. My god Lewis, I had
completely lost track of time.
Blast I was supposed to meet him
for dinner ten minutes ago.
He then adopts his stance, before quickly shooting off in to
the night.
We see our photographer from earlier (Lewis) sat on his own
at a table set for two, the restautrant is fairly busy.
Lewis doesn't yet look uncomfortable but you can see that he
is clearly starting to get anxious.
                                         SFX LIVELY CHATTER
A smartly dressed waiter approches lewis, he is hurried and
looks a little agitated.
                       MAITRE D
Something else to drink sir?
Oh um no thank you very much, I
don't want to be tiddled by the
time Clerke arrives.
                       MAITRE D
We are very busy tonight.
Yes know I saw that on the way in.


                       MAITRE D
Lots of people wanting to eat, not
enough tables.
Oh thats a shame, you poor soul.
You must be rushed off your feet.
                       MAITRE D
A shame, yes it certainly is.
Especially when people waste
tables by not using them to their
full pontential.
What are you getting at here?
                       MAITRE D
Oh, nothing, nope nothing. I just
despise table wasters.
Oh well thanks for keeping me
company, but there really is no
need. My lover shall be here soon.
Your obviously busy as you said,
so I shan't keep you from your
                       MAITRE D
Very good sir.
The bemused waiter walks back to his station shaking his
                       MAITRE D
(Mutters) Idiot!
(To self) He will be here, he
A rather loud almost splashing noise begins to emit from the
direction of the toilets.
                                         SFX SPLASH NOISES
Suddenly Clerke Surrey emerges from the toilet, his right
leg is visibly wet at the bottom. He walks up to the table
where Lewis is sat and takes his seat next to him.


Hey lewis, sorry I'm late, I had a
rather presing issue to deal with.
He leans in a gives Lewis a rather passionate kiss on the
Oh thats ok my love, your here
now. By the by what on earth was
that odd noise.
The noise, erm that was just
someone falling in the toilet.
Falling in to the toilet? My
goodness are they ok?
Yeah they're fine, just a little
pissed off i'd imagine.
Pissed on more like. ha ha ha
Lewis chuckles away at himself for a while, feeling quite
proud of his little joke. Seeing this Clerke joins in so as
not to rouse any suspiscion, however his laughter is not
Oh, ha ha yes good one Lewis.
They chuckle away together for a while longer, before Lewis
stops and his face becomes a little more serious.
Oh Clerke, incidentally I was
wondering. How come you came out
of the toilets? I didn't see you
arrive, how long have you been
The toilets? Well I just arrived
but I was just dying to wee so
when I got here I dashed straight
in to the little boys room.


Thats odd, I never saw you come
Well I did, maybe you were talking
to the waiter or something.
Oh yeah, we had a nice chat.
With that the waiter reappears from out of nowhere, he is
now brandishing a pad and has a determined look in his eye.
                       MAITRE D
May I take your orders now, sir
and sir...? Is, is this your
Yes he is. Why?
                       MAITRE D
But, he's a man.
                       MAITRE D
And he's hot.
Yes, anything else?
                       MAITRE D
Actually yes.
What, what is it?
                       MAITRE D
You two look adorable together.
Oh, (blushes) thanks.
                       MAITRE D
Anytime gorgeous, anytime.
With that the waiter gathers his arms in to his chest, his
cheeks are very red and he wanders off rather aimlessly in
quite a daze.


Well good job that wasn't weird.
Yes quite, he didn't even take our
Yeah, what's with that?
I think he was hitting on me as
Clerke takes both of Lewis's hands and places them inside
his own.
Thats because you are gorgeous.
The pair then sit and stare longinly in to each others eyes
for what seems like an eternity. The camera then slowly
starts to zoom away from them, exposing more of the
restaurant and its bustle as the screen slowly washes out.
The scene opens and everything is in black and white leading
us to believe that this is in all in the past.
A photo shoot is in progress, a young rather fit young man
in modelling some new brand of Y-front in various different
positions, in the foreground we see the back of a
photographer who is snapping away and barking directions at
the very same time.
That's right, flaunt those thighs,
flaunt them.
                                         SFX CAMERA SNAPS
Oh yeah that's good, excellent.
Show me your passion, show me.
The model then begins to pull his underwear down.


No I said your passion, not your
penis. Ahrg stupid models.
                                         SFX APPROACHING
From off screen a well but gareishly dressed man approaches,
he looks elegant and affluent. His entrance goes unnoticed
by the busy camera man, so Clerke stops behind him and grabs
his shoulder.
Escuse me sir.
Startled by the sudden interaction, the photographer reels
round stunned and as he does so accidentally snaps a shot of
the strangers face.
Golly gosh, sorry but you didn't
half give me a fright.
No it was my fault entirely, I'm
No, no I'm to blame I should be
more careful where I point this
No honestly, no harm done you can
point your thing where you like.
The two stand adjacent to each other and drift away, each
getting lost in the others eyes.
Are we done here?
The pair don't move.
Excuse me!
Oh yes, sorry erm can I help you
with something?


Yes, I'm the new reporter here. I
was looking for the editors
Ah well you won't find it down
here. Ha erm yes you need the
second floor and you should find
it as it's the door the says
editor on it.
Okey doke, sounds simple enough.
Oh it will be nothing for someone
of your intelligence.
That's good then, that you work
here now. Means I'll get to see
more of your body. I mean I'll see
your butt round here more. Oh I
mean we can see each other. Sorry
that sounds stupid, welcome
aboard. Aboard the team that is,
not me.
Ok thanks, I guess I shall see you
later then.
Clerke then turns about and heads in the direction of the
(shouts after him) I eat lunch
around one.
The lift arrives and Clerke steps into it. As he does so he
turns around and smiles at Lewis, the doors then close and
with it so does the scene.
We return to the Blue Sprite's lair, the television is on
again in the background. In the foreground the blue sprite
paces back and forth across the room. Her entire body is


blue except for her feet, hands, neck and face her hair is
also blue. She also has a long blue tail and horns
protruding from her head. She looks like the classic image
of satan but she is blue and not red.
Rubs hands together in glee.
The television in the background is showing the last few
minutes of the Battyman press conference the night before.
Now that the cricketing freak is
out of the picture I am free to do
what I like. I what I like to do
is to turn things blue.
Her evil laugh lasts far longer than it should do, the
camera pans away from the Sprite to the wall where pictures
of Battyman are and zooms in close of a picture of Clerke
with Lewis. Except Lewis's head has been replaces with that
of hers.
The camera suddnely flicks back to the Sprite.
Nobody was supposed to see those
pictures, they were meant to be
kept in the background slightly
out of focus so that noone could
really make out what they were of.
We had a deal remember?
                       CAMERA MAN
Oh I wasn't recording don't worry.
Good, I had better not find out
you were lying to me. Else you
know what will happen.


                       CAMERA MAN
I wasn't honestly. I was just
practising my zooming whilst you
were laughing and I needed
something still to focus on.
Ok ok I belive you. Gee I didn't
want your life story....
                       CAMERA MAN
That er, that wasn't my life
Go now your boring me.
                       CAMERA MAN
Ok come on guys.
The camera then moves towards the front door, the sound man
and techincian proceed first, the open the door the camera
follows them out in to the hallway and the door closes
behind them. The number on the door is 66 in what is just a
regular block of flats.
                       SOUND MAN
How rude.
                       CAMERA MAN
I know, I know thats the last time
I agree to do one of these.
                       SOUND MAN
What a Bitch.
The view switches so that the camera man, sound man and
technician are now all in our view. The camera is stationary
as we watch the group wander off down the hallway muttering
away to one another.
                       SOUND MAN
Where did they come from?
                       CAMERA MAN
I don't know.


                                         SFX TRAIN ARRIVING
Clerke is stood on the platform of the metro waiting for the
train to arrive. It is early morning and he is on his way in
to work. In his hands he is holding a latte and a copy of
they days newspaper.
(To self) Ooh I love latte a
The train arrives, the doors open and on gets Clerke. It's
fairly busy being early morning and Clerke is forced to
stand next to a group of suavely dressed business men who
are all nattering away to one another.
                                         SFX TRAIN NOISES
The doors close and the train pulls away from the station.
                       BUS MAN 1
Did you hear the news this
                       BUS MAN 2
No, why what happened?
                       BUS MAN 1
Somebody turned the Statue of
Liberty blue, the whole thing.
                       BUS MAN 2
Really? But wasn't it green
                       BUS MAN 1
Sure was.
                       BUS MAN 2
Argh why, just why would someone
do that?
                       BUS MAN 3
I heard they did the White House
                       BUS MAN 2
Really? wasn't it white before?
                       BUS MAN 3
Yup, they did Niagra Falls too.


                       BUS MAN 2
What all of it?
                       BUS MAN 3
                       BUS MAN 2
Oh that's not all bad then, I mean
at least they got Canada as well.
      (Voice Over)
Standing next to the group
Battyman overheard their
conversation, he would of
overheard it anyway even had he of
been sat at home due to his
superhearing. That aside he heard
what they were saying and he
started to wonder.
      (Voice Over)
I wonder...hmmm who would do such
a thing? There aren't that many
evil people in the world who are
truely capable of such
attrocities. I must go at once to
the library of supervillians to
research as to who this could be
and put a stop to this before it
starts to get out of hand, because
that's what I do. Actually no
wait, I'm retired, I'm out of the
game the world can deal with this
problem themselves this time.
And that was that, Battyman was no
longer there to help and the world
was about to find themselves in
way over their heads.
We are taken to the White; now Blue House. The President
Shrub along with his chief of Staff, Secretary of State,
Secretary of Defense and and handful of other advisers and
Military Chiefs are sat in the Oval Office. The president is
eating a boiled egg with dipping soldiers he has a bib
around his neck so as not to get any yoke on his shirt.


Erm correct me if I'm wrong here
people, but I was fairly certain
that it was called the White House
for a reason. Don't get me wrong I
quite like the new colour, I mean
I shall certainly get used to it
it'll take some time though.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Well actually Mr President thats
why were all assembled here today,
the colour change was nothing to
do with us.
It wasn't? Oh how wonderful so
this is some sort of surprise
gift, I bet it's from that wife of
mine she's always doing something
crazy like this.
(Mutters) Gee is this guy dense.
                       SEC DEF
No sir, the change of colour of
the White House......
(Interrupts) You mean the Blue
House. he he he he
                       SEC DEF
Yes quite, the Blue House. Anywho
this along with the statue of
Liberty and Niagra Falls is what
we believe to be an act of
Terrorism!....Oh goodie so we get
to go to war.
The Secretary of State grabs a newspaper, rolls it up and
walks up to the President and hits him several times on the
                       SEC STATE


The President folds his arms and becomes sulky like a young
child would.
No Mr President, no war I'm
afraid. We believe this is the act
of and evil villian, a sole
perpetrator rather than a rogue
Oh shame. Well in that case get
Battyman on it then would you, my
eggs getting cold.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Do you ever watch the news?
We get the news in here? I thought
it was just Nikelodeon and Jetix.
Wow now theres an eye-opener.
With that the big tele-conference screen on the wall begins
to buzz away and starts to come to life.
Will you accept a collect call
Oh erm your wife!
Oooh my wife, yes indeed.
With that the video screen comes to life and we see the Blue
Sprite sat center screen in a small booth.
(Mutters) Idiot!
Ahahaha nice Blue House fellas.
Hey! Your not my wife.


Why yes I am, your the President.
Now how would I know that if I
wasn't your wife?
Oh, sorry honey.
Nah, I'm just screwing with you
I'm not really your wife. I am the
Blue Sprite ahahahaha.
Everyone in the room takes a step back in shock.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Are you in an Internet cafe?
Yes alas I haven't managed to get
broadband in to my lair yet.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Oh shame. Broadband is vital to
any good lair.
Well anyway what do you want? Make
it snappy remember I'm paying for
this call.
Oh right yeah, I am the villian
responsible for the villanous acts
your have seen thus far and I
shall continue to use my powers to
turn national monuments blue unitl
they are all done. Then when that
happens I shall have control of
                       SEC STATE
Supposing that works and you
manage to take control of America
the most Powerful nation in the
entire world (chuckles to himself)
what do you plan to do then?
They gang all chuckle away to themselves, aside from the
President who looks truely terrified.


Oh believe me once I transform all
America's national monuments, the
rest of the country will just fall
in my hands.
Excuse me, Mrs Sprite but did you
turn Niagra Falls blue?
All of it?
Its Ms and yes I did.
So you got Canada too?
Well yea, hence all of it.
Whew (wipes brow) well that's a
load off my mind. Oh sorry you
were saying.
The President suddnely looks a lot more at ease and
continues to eat his egg.
(Munching) Do go on.
I forgot where I was.
                       CHIEF STAFF
National monuments, seizing
control of America etc...
Oh right yes of course, once I
have control of America noboby can
touch me. I shall then be free to
exact my plan.....
                       CHIEF STAFF
Which is?


I was pausing for effect.
                       CHIEF STAFF
That's ok, no biggy. Anyway once
in control I can then drill
through the Earth's crust via
Texas and go down to the Earth's
core. Once there I can insert my
giant "laser" codename: The
Destroyer of Insignificant Lame
Defenceless Organisms. When Fired
in to the core it's power will
shoot out all over the world,
through all the plates and
volcanoes on the planet. Which
will in effect turn all the world
blue and I shall then rule
supreme! ahahahaha
                       SEC DEF
Hang on, let me just get me
straight what your saying is that
the acronym for your weapon is the
Giant DILDO.
The Sprite looks a tad bemused and takes a second to work
this out on her fingers.
Yes, yes it is for short my "laser
is the giant DILDO. Why?
                       SEC DEF
Oh erm no reason.
The whole room burst in to hysterics and falls about
(Giggling) he he he She said
The laughter continues for a few more minutes.


                       CHIEF STAFF
So, in effect what your saying is
that your going to take your giant
DILDO and insert it in to a crack
in the earth?
Yes indeed that was the scheme I
just outlined to you.
The room burst in to uncontrollable laughter once again.
Oh go ahead you laugh away, you
laughy laughers. But I assure you
it is I who shall have the last
laugh and then I shall laugh
loudest. Sprite out, peace out
With that the video screen goes blank and the cabinet
members are left with only their laughter.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Was she for real?
                       SEC DEF
I think so.
Ok well we are on our own fo this
one then, so general ready your
armies. Were going to war.
                       SEC DEF
No were not.
No war? What not even a little
                       CHIEF STAFF
Nope no wars, Disregard what he
said General.
Already have.
                       CHIEF STAFF
No all we need to do is track down
this Sprite, so get out best
computer nerds on in and find out
where that computer signal was


                       CHIEF STAFF (cont'd)
coming from. Should we manage that
all we then need is some skilled
decorators to repaint this place
and then were sorted. Ok?
The gathered group dissipates all off in various directions
to try and track down the villian and save the nation.
Finally everyone is gone and the President is left on his
Picks up the official phone.
Think I'll see if the
Vice-President fancies golf.
Clerke is in his apartment fixing the door out on to his
balcony, on the floor by the door lies a rubbish bag filled
whith white clothing. In the corner of the room the
television is on displaying the days news.
                       NEWS WOMAN
      (From Television)
Today's top story is the
desecration of five more historic
American Landmarks, taking the
total now to seventeen. This video
was earlier accidentally released
from the whitehouse and has begun
to spread panic accross most of
America as soon the entire country
shall be under the control of the
demonic Sprite.
The news then shows the video of the Sprite earlier talking
to the White House officials.
Having heard enough, Clerke uses his powers to lift the
remote off the table, once evelvated he slams the remote
hard against the on power button on the TV so that it turns


This should teach them a valuable
The door then bursts open and in rushes a panic stricken
Have you never heard of knocking?
(Panting) Have you never heard of
locking the door?
Touche, Anyway what can I do you
for Lewis?
You what? Have you not been
watching the news?
Clerke looks around cautiously, suddenly very aware that his
Battyman suit is right beside Lewis.
Erm.....No I haven't and there's
nothing in that bag down there.
Oh dear, you are slacking a writer
who's not up to date with current
affairs. Tut tut Clerke. Anyway
basically the world is about to be
overthrown by this evil Sprite
woman thing. So we must get off
the planet quick.
Off the planet?? Well if you like
we could go to Mars, it's supposed
to be nice this time of year.
Clerke this is no time for your
sarcasm, we must act quick. I know
we can convince Battyman to work
again and he will save us. Also
what bag.
Lewis bends down, picks up the bag nearest the door and has
a good rummage through it.


Oh that, it's nothing really just
a crappy Battyman costume I rented
for erm Halloween once. I'm
actually taking it back to the
costume store right now.
Wow Clerke, this is really nice.
Are you sure it's a costume?
What do you mean? Of course I'm
sure I rented it myself from the
rent a costume store.
What I mean is I think you have
unwittingly stumbled accross a
genuine Battyman suit, that has
somehow ended up at a costume
store. I mean it even smells like
Lewis lifts the costume to his nose and gives it a good long
It even smells like him?? You what
how do you even know what Battyman
smells like?
Clerks rage soon turns to fear as he realises he could be in
danger of being rumbled here.
Oh well it's just that Battyman
has this great aroma that goes
along with his aura, it't totally
different to the smell of your
average human, he's just so camp
and yet so masculine at the same
So he er smells different to me
Well of course he does Clerke, I
mean although your my hero your no
superhero are you?


Yeah your probably right.
Of course I am Clerke, anyway I'm
going to get some sniffer dogs and
give them the scent from this suit
see if we can't hunt down
Battyman. Because the world needs
him. Promise me Clerke if you see
him be sure to tell him that the
world needs him bad.
Sure will, I promise.
Lewis walks back out the door still sniffing the suit,
closing it behind him. Clerke is then left all alone with
only his thoughts, so he grabs a beer from the fridge lights
up a cigarette and ponders just what do to.
Hmm I wonder what I should do.
We are taken to Mount Rushmore which is now the only
remaining Landmark yet to be turned Blue and is also the key
to the Blue Sprite taking control of the USA, the several
presidents are heavily surrounded by dozens of armed men.
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Ok everyone, gather round please
all of you, yes even you up there
come down here right away.
The secret service chiefs waits around patiently as all his
men assemble on the floor infront of him, all sat
attentively witht their legs crossed and arms folded.
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Ok, thank you everyone. I shall
now clarlfy to those of you who
don't know exactly what it is we
are doing here. As you may well of
heard the Blue Sprite is acting
against America and is
transforming all our prideful
monument Blue, so as she can take
control of our beloved country. We
cannot let this happpen, Mount
Rushmore is the last remaining
monument and so we must guard it


                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF (cont'd)
to the very end. We are here
instead of the Army because they
are all Ex-Presidents and
therefore we the secret service
have jurisdiction. So lets go team
back to your positions we have a
monument to protect.
The whole team suddenly looks very inspired as they all jump
to their feet and cheer and make odd grunting noises.
                                         SFX ODD GRUNTING
                       SECRET SERVICE MAN
Erm Chief.
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Yes, what is it?
                       SECRET SERVICE MAN
Well erm yeah I think that whilst
you were talking it kind of
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
What did? What happened, what on
earth are you on about?
The Chief spins about quickly so that he is now facing the
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Someone quick shine a spotlight on
the monument.
A bright spotlight shines upon the faces to reveal, much to
everyones horror that the entire Mount Rushmore was now a
very fetching blue.
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Oh dear Lord.
The light shines up to the top to reveal the Blue Sprite
perched upon the nose of President Lincoln holding in her
hand a giant blue Magic Marker.


Not the first time Secret Service
have failed Lincoln is it??
The sprite then glides down and sets down on the floor next
to the gathered and stunned secret service team.
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Good god woman, did you just
colour in the entire Mount
Rushmore using a Magic Marker?
Ahahah No.
                       SECRET SERVICE MAN
Oh! So why the pen then?
Yeah no I just love the look on
people's faces when they think
that I did, it's priceless. Plus I
like to draw on people.
She turns to face the Secret Service boss.
May I draw on you?
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Would you? Please I would be
The sprite removes the lid of the pen and colours in the
forehead of the Chief, she also draws on glasses and a fake
Haha you look rediculous.
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Why thank you!
The chief shakes his head suddnely aware of what is going
                       SECRET SERVICE CHIEF
Why did I just let you do that?
Now I look rediculous.


Ahah now you can see why I did
what I did, as from now every
feeble human mind in America can
now be controlled by me, I can
make anyone do anything I want.
                       SECRET SERVICE MAN
Oh no.
With that the Sprite rises up in to the air and hovers above
the group of agents.
Well guys this has been fun, we
should certainly do this again
sometime. Anyhow I must now love
you and leave you as I am sure you
can understand I have a busy few
days ahead of me if I am to
complet my tekover of the world.
They all nod in agreement.
Well you guy's were sent here to
guard the monument and I think
it's safe to say that you blew it!
Ahahaha, see what I did there?
Blew it, blue. Ahaha I'm soo
The Sprite looks down, nobody is laughing. She stares at
them all menacingly until suddnely they all fall about
themselves laughing. Happy with her nights work the Blue
Sprite smiles to herself before gliding off in to the night
Having witnessed the fall of Mount
Rushmore, the last remaining
monumental stronghold. The Secret
Service though it pertinent to
move the president down to the
Emergency Operations Center. The
bunker could withstand several
nuclear blasts, had food and water
to last up to three years along
with an miniture arcade, bowling
alley, driving range and day spa.
They were down there so that


                       NAR (cont'd)
should America be obliterrated
they would survive to rebuild the
country from the rubble and also I
assume re-populate, which does
make you have a degree of sympathy
for Ms Rice.
All the top Cabinet members are assebled in the conference
room, discussing their various options and strategies. The
seat at the head of the table designated to the President is
vacant and he is nowhere to be seen. However computer game
noises can be heard coming from the next room.
                                         SFX COMPUTER
The Chief of Staff gets up and pushes the door to so that
they are not interrupted by the noises coming from next
                       CHIEF STAFF
So then it is decided? This is the
plan we are going to go with.
                       SEC DEF
Well we have to really, it's our
only option
                       CHIEF STAFF
(Sighs) Yeah I suppose your right,
we have our backs in a corner now
and we can't let America; the
world'd most powerful nation. Be
responsible for the the end of
time, that would not do our
reputation any good at all.
Never thought I'd live to see the
day that America would have to
rescued by a queer.
Who says you ever will?


The Blue Sprite bursts through the door with a baseball bat
and cracks the General right in the Balls, the General
grasps his nether regions and falls to the floor like a sack
of potatoes.
Taadaa, tis me.
(Groans) Arabian nights that hurt!
Hi guys, what we doing?
                       SEC DEF
Was that really necessary?
Probably not, but I got one of the
Secret Service guys to pop out and
buy me this earlier so I just had
to try it out. Plus that guys a
butt plug.
                       SEC DEF
Well that's true he is. Anyway
that't not the point, how did you
get in here?
I can control people's minds! duh
                       SEC DEF
So you can,that must be pretty
useful really.
Wait a minute, an empty chair!
That just doesn't happen round
The Sprite looks round and counts the members on her hands.
Hang on, where's the President?
                       CHIEF STAFF
Oh him, he's next door playing
Time Crisis keeps him out of


Aha good thinking, I like it.
                       SEC STATE
Thanks, the arcade was my idea.
The Blue Sprite then jumps up on to the table so that
everyone can see her very clearly, she now has a big blue
whip in her hand as she paces up and down the big shiny
Anyway fun and games aside I am
here on a rather serious note. I
am aware of what you dirty little
people are trying to do and I'm
here to tell you that I just won't
let it happen. Battyman is not
going to return to the fray, he is
out of the game and he is not
coming back.
                       CHIEF STAFF
And how do you propose to stop us?
Mind control, remember?
                       SEC DEF
Ahah, then you quite obviously
haven't worked out just what we
were up to then have you?
Why, whare are you on about? Tell
The sprite uses her mind control powers to seize the
Secretary of Defenses' mind and make him explain the plot to
Well you can control our minds and
make us do whatever you want, you
have that right. However what you
didn't bargain on was us having a
secret weapon. We have a man who
does not actually have a mind of
his own, thus meaning that you


                       GENERAL (cont'd)
cannot control him.
Oh yeah and who would that be?
As she says this the door swings open and in walks the
President, he has a big grin on his face and looks pretty
pleased with himself.
Hey guys, I just did that press
statement thing you asked me to do
earlier. I did it all by myself
What statement?
The camera zooms in close on the Presidents face, he gazes
up at the ceiling in a daze as though he's reminising about
something. The scene then washes out and we are taken back
to the earlier press release.
The scene opens with the President Stood at a small podium,
he is dresses as an angel complete with wings, all the
gathered press members are huddled in front of the podium
sat cross legged on the floor. All the Secret service
members are dressed only in swimming trunks and sandals and
behind the podium and near the feet of the president several
goats and sheep are happily chewing away at the grass and
frolicing around. He then opens his mouth and begins to
Good day Planet Earth, we are
gathered here today because the
Planet is in crisis, our country
of America has been attacked and
taken control of by the one they
call the Blue Sprite. As a result
of this we are unable to go to
war, thus meaning that we just
don't know how to act. Which
leaves me with no choice but to
say this: Battyman we know you are
out there somewhere and it has
taken our impending doom for us to
realise just how much we need you.


                       PRESIDENT (cont'd)
You once were happy to call
yourself Earth's saviour we would
love for you to do so again, the
way we have treated you has been
scandalous and for that we are
truly sorry. If you can find it in
your heart, your big gay heart to
forgive us then can you please
bail us out here and save the
world. We need you Battyman.
The Presidents recollection/flashback finishes and we return
to the conference room, with all the officials sat round
listening intently to what the President had to say.
I wonder where they keep their
                       CHIEF STAFF
It didn't happen quite like that,
did it Mr President?
Well there may have been a few
less sheep.
                       CHIEF STAFF
See what we have to put up with.
The Blue Sprite glares at the President and tries to use her
mind control powers on him, but nothing happens.
Idiot, go and sit down.
Oh, ok.
Following the given orders, the President takes him seat,
sits down and then proceeds to play with the knobs on the
                       CHIEF STAFF
See, no mind of his own.


Hmm, touche well you win this
round fellas. But the ball is
still very much in my court and
rest assured the world shall still
be mine, not even that cricket
bender can stop me now. Muhahahaha
OK now everyone sleep.
The group all then suddenly fall asleep, each on of them
dozing off and hitting the table hard.
Gotta love mind control.
With that the Sprite gathers her things and creeps slowly
out of the room, taking care to shut the door very carefully
behind her.
Clerke is stood in the living room of his apartment, in his
hand he holds a remote control, on the television is a
recording of the Presidents statement from earlier. He
continually plays the same part over and over again.
Battyman we need you!
He rewinds it and plays it again.
Battyman we need you!
What should I do? I mean the world
needs me, they're in quite a
pickle. But I mean those days are
behind me now, I'm just not sure I
can go back to that.
Battyman was now faced with quite
a dilemma, in fact possibly the
hardest decision of his life. Even
tougher than the time he was on
deal or no deal. However what he
was not taking in to account was
the fact that were the world to be


                       NAR (cont'd)
overrun by the Blue Sprite, he and
her would be the only too free
thinking individuals left on the
planet. So he must decide, either
he saves the world or live in
eternity with the Blue Sprite.
Failing that he could always live
on another planet but that could
get kind of lonely.
Golly gosh, he's right if I don't
save the world I will have even
bigger problems than I do now.
Plus if I do Planet Earth shall be
forever indebted to me. Well then
its decided I shall put a stop to
all this blue nonsense and save
the World.
                                         SFX CHEERING
Hmm, that was odd. Aw and
goddamit, I knew I should of kept
atleast one of my costumes. Blast
where am I going to find one now.
Wal Marts still open.
Is it? Are you sure? I mean its
not that I don't trust you but I
hate when you get all excited and
go to a store only to get there
and discover that it's closed.
Yeah it's open, I'm positive.
As long as your sure. Well looks
like a flying trip to Wal Mart
then! Get it, a flying trip I'll
be flying.
Yeah, I get it erm very good.
The two share a short chuckle before Battyman takes off in
search of new cricket whites.


Ah, that guy is not funny.
We are now in Wal Mart car park, outside the store a man in
a big coat and hat is handing out flyers to the shoppers
walking past. Clerke walks out of the shop pushing a trolley
filled with cricket whites.
Wow, who could ever resis the
bargains at that place?
(To bystander) Please help me find
this man, for all of us babe.
Lewis hands a flyer to the clearly disinterested man, who
humours him for a moment before walking off in the direction
of the shop.
Aw this is hopeless.
As Clerke approaches he is hit with the sudden realisation
that the man with the flyers is indeed Lewis, he tries to
hide his face behind his tie as he walks past.
Excuse me sir. Oh Clerke its you
thank god.
Lewis leaps on Clerke giving him a giant hug and a kiss,
people walking past look on in disgust. One man walking by
throws a shoe wich hits Lewis in the head sending him
tumbling to the floor.
Get a room homo's.
Who throws a shoe?
Aarrrgh it hurts, it's a deep
I know but really it's a shoe, who
throws a shoe. I mean did he carry
it around with him just incase he


                       CLERKE (cont'd)
needed to throw it at someone? Or
is he now walking about with just
one shoe on?
What does it matter Clerke? It hit
me not you. Now help me up
Clerke bends over and picks up Lewis with ease.
Wow Clerke, have you been working
Yes I have!
Oh ok, well anyway now that your
here you can help me look for
Battyman. It'll be easier if we
team up.
No sorry Lewis I can't, I erm have
somethhing more important to do.
More important?? What on earth is
more important than saving the
world Clerke? By the by what's in
the trolley?
Lewis leans in and has a good rummage through the trolley.
Erm nothing!
Huuuuh, (gasps) Cricket Whites?
cricket whites? Clerke what is
going on here? Is there something
that your not telling me?
No, no Lewis this isn't mine.Oops
I must have walked off with the
wrong trolley. Silly me.


Your telling me lies Clerke. Come
clean, tell me the truth and maybe
I shan't be as upset.
Nothing Lewis, absoultely nothing
is going on.
Yes Clerke, there is. I'm not
stupid. I shal tell you what's
going on shall I?.....You've taken
up cricket again haven't you? You
were off to play cricket just now
weren't you. This is scandalous
Clerke, I'm busting my butt to
find Battyman and save the planet
and your slinking off to play
cricket. I'm appauled Clerke, you
should be ashamed of yourself.
No Lewis, that's not it at all.
You have this all wrong.
Oh I have this wrong do I? Well
then what Clerke, explain to me
what is going on?
Ok Lewis, I'm sorry this has to be
the way you find out. I have
honestly been trying to find a way
to break this to you for months.
Oh my god, your dying and all you
wanted to do was play cricket one
last time! I'm so sorry.
Lewis starts to cry.
Nope, no nothing like that. Lewis
I am Battyman.
Lewis stops crying and stares at Clerke.


I'm Battyman Lewis.
You just don't know when to stop
do you Clerke, first you put me
through that pain and now your
making jokes? Lame stupid
insensitive jokes! Grow up Clerke.
With that Lewis throws the stack of flyers at Clerke,
hitting him in the face as he turns about and storms off.
Enjoy your cricket Clerke! I shall
do this myslef then.
Lewis exits the scene and Clerke is left on his own
surrounded by a pile of flyers. A man walking past stops,
picks up one of the leaflets and then takes a long hard look
at Clerke.
                       SHOPPER 2
It's uncanny. Hmm
The shopper pockets the leaflet and walks off in to the shop
shaking his head.
Well that went well. Anyway it's
time for me to white some wrongs.
With that he dashes towards the nearest porta-loo, and steps
inside. When he emerges he is dressed in his new whites, his
contacts are gone and his hair is sufficiently ruffled.
                       LOO MAN
You not gonna flush that?
Battyman then walks towards the shop window, catching his
reflection as he does so. He pauses for a moment whilst he
admires his new whites in the window.
                       SHOPPING WOMAN
Huuuh (gasps) it's Battyman, he's


That is correct people of Earth, I
am back. I am ready once again to
call you my saviour.
                       SHOPPING MAN
Don't you mean your ready for us
to call you our saviour?
That's what I just said
                       SHOPPING MAN
No it wasn't.
Look ok, I know what I said and
what I said was that I am ready to
call you my saviour again.
                       SHOPPING MAN
What? See what?
                       SHOPPING MAN
There, you just did it again.
No, no I did not. Anyway you can't
prove it.
                       SHOPPING WOMAN
I'm afraid you did Mr Battyman.
Ok, so what if I did. Does it
really matter?
                       SHOPPING MAN
Oh no it doesn't matter, except
that you were wrong.
                       SHOPPING MAN
Oh nothing, except that your a
superhero and I proved you wrong.
I proved you wrong....woooohooo.
Oh I'm so happy.


Oh ok, I see. So what your saying
is that you want me to save
everyone on the Planet except you?
                       SHOPPING MAN
No, no not at all.
Well then, shut up yeah!
The man then goes quiet and suddenly no longer looks quite
so cocky.
                       SHOPPING WOMAN
Erm excuse me Mr Battyman Sir, but
are you actually going to save the
world then?
Golly gosh the world yes, I forgot
about that. To tell you the truth
I'm pretty nervous really, I mean
this is my first time I have ever
had to actually save the whole
                       SHOPPING WOMAN
I bet.
No seriously, usuually its just a
case of rescuing a falling
aeroplane, saving stranded people,
aprehending bank robbers, killing
terrorists, catching jay walkers.
But this is a whole new level for
me. (Pauses) Ooh I have the
shakes, anyone have a cigarette?
                       SHOPPING MAN
Yeah, here you go.
                       SHOPPING MAN
You know they can kill you?


I'm a superhero! Nothing can kill
me, well actually..... (pauses) No
it doesn't matter.
He takes the cigarette, places it in a holder before putting
it in his mouth, lighting it and taking a good long hard
Aaaahhhhhh, that's soo good. You
don't have any scotch on you by
any chance?
The man turns and starts to reach in to his bag.
Actually no forget about it, I
shouldn't I'm working. Plus I will
probably have to drive later.
The man and woman both stare at each other puzzled.
Erm I mean, I will have to drive
that evil villain off this
The man and woman both nod in agreement.
Well anyway it was nice meeting
you two, however I must now be
going. You know save the world and
all that. To the White House and
then beyond. Toodles.
He flaps his arms and dissapears.
                       SHOPPING MAN
He's so gay.
                       SHOPPING WOMAN
Yes, but he's our hero.
We now return to the White House, all the top officials are
sat cross legged in a circle on the floor ofthe oval office.
They are all wearing blue spandex and the President is
running around the outside of them. The Blue Sprite is in
the corner making phone calls.


Duck, duck, duck, duck,
The Sprite finishes her phone calls and hangs up the phone.
See from up here you will get a
much better view of the
devastation to come, much better
than being stuck in that moldy old
                       SEC STATE
It wasnīt moldy.
Shhh you.
                                         SFX TEXT SOUND
The Sprite recieves a message on her, she pauses for a
moment whilst she reads it.
Aha excellent your gang of Texan
redknecks have managed to get half
way through the Earthīs core. I
knew showing them Armageddon as a
training video would have itīs
dividends. Ha ha soon I shall be
at the core and nobody can stop
Nobody except me that is?
Everyone in the room turns about suddenly as their mouthīs
drop open in awe.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Yeeesss, I knew it.
Oh you give yourself way too much
credit, aside from the fact that
you can fly nodody even knows what
powers you have. Other than the
fact that your a quitter.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Shhh you.


Battyman moves from the doorway and struts cautiously out in
to the middle.
Well, well, well what do we have
here? If it isnīt the Blue Sprite.
Well if it isnīt Dave.
                       SEC STATE
Whoīs Dave?
Did I say Dave?
Yes you did.
Oh well I meant Battyman.
Well why did you call me dave?
It doesnīt matter.
No really.
Iīll tell you later then. Ok?
Deal, anyway you might of noticed
Sprite that I have reverted the
colours of the White House.
What you spy on people getting
dressed and showering?
I said reverted, not perverted.
Oh ok, yeah I donīt know what that


It means that I have turned the
Blue House back to the White House
again and thus throwing a fairly
sizeable spanner in to the works
of your grand scheme.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Heīs right, we are no longer under
the Sprites evil mind control.
Duck, duck, duck, duck........
                       SEC STATE
George you can stop that now.
Oh, well can we play again later?
                       SEC STATE
Sure why not, itīs not like we
have anything more important to
Great, Iīll see you at eight then.
The President then departs the room. The rest of the cabinet
then look around at each other wondering just exactly why
they are where they are.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Why are you wearing Spandex? You
look rediculous!
                       SEC DEF
Your wearing Spandex too, and at
least my butt doesnīt look
Silence! Arraggh you stupid gay
freak. Why are you spoiling my
                       CHIEF STAFF
Hey, hey less of that please. He
may be gay but that in no way
makes him a freak, he has feelings
too just like you and me.


Has feelings too.....ahaha good
Thatīs it, Iīve had it with you.
Your going down bitch. This is my
planet and these my people, I
safeguard it and I shanīt let some
nasty whore like you destroy it.
Not now, not ever.
Oh, you really think you can stop
me do you? I shall brush you aside
like rubbish with a brush and then
continue with my plan.
Really well if you want to throw
down I will knock you for six and
then some.
Ok then its settled. Meet me
outside in ten minutes, weīll find
somewhere to settle this then.
Why ten minutes?
I need to pee.
Oh ok good, that gives me time for
a crafty ciggy.
Right so outside in ten then. Be
Battyman and the Blue Sprite both step out of doors on
opposite sides of the street, we find ourselves on the set
of the Battle between Vallon and Bill the Butcher from Gangs
of New York.
How did we end up in old school
New York?


I think we must have gone through
the wrong doors.
You mean the doors in the White
House can make you travel through
Well that's a possibility, I mean
I'm not ruling it out or anything.
But I actually think we've just
stumbled on to the wrong set.
Oh, so were on the Gangs of New
York set right now?
I do believe so.
Goodie, I love Scorcese.
Yeah, Day-Lewis was incredible but
Di Caprio kinda ruined it for me
I'm afraid.
Indeed, he's lame. Anyway we have
business to attend to. On the
challenge of you Battyman, to
settle for good and all who holds
sway over Earth.
Deal, but if we are to do this you
are not allowed to kick below the
belt and I'm not to pull your
Fine, let's do this.
Amidst all the ruckas caused by the pair about to fight, a
sizeable crowd have amassed at the sides. The President and
all his staff are there along with severeal reporters, all
the people ever rescued by Battyman and all the Orphans,
spectators and the umpire from the Beginning.


The Blue Sprite looks round suddenly and to her surprise the
Dark Prince himself is stood in her corner brandishing a
towel and a bucket.
It's Satan.
Tomatoe, tomato. Anyway what are
you doing here?
I came up to see if you need a
You came all the way up here to
give me a hand? Wow I am
Yeah that and the fact that my
mums having one of her cleaning
days. It's a living hell down
there I tell you.
I can imagine.
Erm about this though, you should
know that although I am routing
for you against that do-gooder fag
over there. I'm also pretty happy
if you die and go to Hell.
Huuh, why would you say such a
Ooh yeah, sorry I just heard how
that must of sounded. What I meant
was if you do lose and die then
you'll end up down there where I
live and you can spend more time
with me.
Hmmm yeah that would be nice.


Cool you can come and live with
me, I mean I still live with my
mum but I have the basement all to
myself and it's pretty cosy.
We'll see yeah.
Urghuhumm. If you two are quite
Sorry, my bad.
Battyman and the Blue Sprite then stand adajacent to each
other and adopt a stand off stance, the Sprite with Satan
behind her egging her on.
No coach Batty?
Erm no, I don't need a coach.
Suddenly a man dressed all in Black, reminiscent of a Bat
steps out of the crowd and approaches Battyman.
I'll be your coach, if you don't
Ok sure, but erm who are you? Why
are you dressed like a Bat?
I'm Batman.
hahahaha, no kidding. I take it
that's why your dressed as a bat
You have no idea who I am do you?


I don't know how to put this, but
I'm kind of a big deal. I have
many enemies, a big house and a
butler and many many paper bound
Erm good for you.
I'm sorry that sounded stupid
No it sounds great, I hope it all
works out for you.
Do you have a towel and a bucket
with you?
Sure do.
Batman presses a button on his belt and pulls out a towel
followed by a collapsable bucket.
Great your hired, now get over
Batman moves behind Battyman in to the corner and once again
we are left with the Sprite and Batty facing off.
Let's dance dickweed.
Oh you foul mouthed bitch, there's
kids about. Your going to pay for
Battyman runs forward prducing a cricket ball from up his
sleeve as he does so, he then stops and bowls it hard and
fast towards the Sprite hitting her square in the head.
Ahhhhhghrh ahhh, oh why why would
you do that to a girl?
Battyman suddenly looks shocked and runs over to the crocked
Sprite upon the floor.


Oh golly gosh, what have I done?
I'm so, so sorry maam, are you
As Battyman bends down to pick up the Sprite she extends her
leg and kicks him straight in the crotch.

Battyman collapses to the floor, wailing and clutching his
nether regions.
Aha, I knew it you had to have a
weakness Batty, I mean aside from
Are you being Served. And I have
exposed it. Everyone witness
Battyman is invulnerable
everywhere except his nuts.
Time out, time out. I call time
Batman picks up Battyman and takes him back to his corner,
the Sprite returns to hers to talk to Satan.
She knows my weakness, the whole
world knows it now. I'm finished.
You ever thought of wearing a cup?
A what? A cup, like one you drink
No a cup, like a round cupped
plastic or kelvlar thing that
covers up your private area.
Wow that's genius Batman, where on
earth did you come up with that?
Don't cricketers wear them?


How would I know? Do I look like a
No your probably right.
Your insane Batman, but I like it.
Now I just have to hope someone
brings me a cup.
Battyman returns to the middle to do battle, the camera
switches to the news woman.
                       NEWS WOMAN
So basically if nobody brings
Battyman a cup to protect his
bits, he will surely succumb to
the Blue Sprite and Earth shall
fall tonight. Will someone answer
the call, this news woman wonders.
The camera then swings its focus to the other corner, where
Satan is sat massaging the Spite's shoulders.
So what powers do you actually
have, if you don't mind me asking?
Well I can turn things Blue and I
have the ability to control weak
and fragile minds.
Is that it?
Yeah that and the fact that I'm
really really good looking.
Well in that case kudos, I mean
your doing pretty well at this
whole world domination thing


How did these powers of yours
comea about then?
Oh I used to drink way to much
Sprite when I was younger.
So then why the Blue Sprite?
Well obviously Sprite bottles are
I think you'll find they're green.
You sure?
Oh, well I feel pretty stupid now,
really they're green? Who knew!
You could always change your name.
Change my name, are you insane? Mo
if I changed it now I'd have to
completely re-establish myself as
a super villian all over again.
Well in that case get out there
and beat that Batty Boy beacause
when you rule the world it won't
matter what your called, or what
anyone thinks. Will it now?
Your right.
The newly inspired Sprite returns to the middle to finish
her duel with the waiting Battyman, who has been passing the
time by limbering up and doing stretches.
Shall we continue?


Well I'm ready.
Good because I'm readier than
Brilliant because I'm so ready,
you just won't be ready for just
how ready I am.
The pair go at it again, but every time Battyman tries to
use his powers upon the Blue Sprite he winds up being kicked
in the crotch.
Things weren't going well for
Battyman, the Sprite had
discovered his weakness and there
was nothing he could do, for
everytime he tried to recover she
was right at him again, it was
Battyman this time who needed a
hero but would a hero come, who
knew. Well I know but then its my
job to know, I'm the narrator I
know everything....muhuh
Take that Batty boy.
Battyman takes another blow to the balls as he collapses to
the floor once again, however this time he does not get up.
Instead he closes his eyes and starts to drift away.
Battyman opens his eyes, he is no longer doing battle with
the Blue Sprite. He is now lying on a very bright peaceful
beach, the waves are lapping on the shore and birds circle
above singing to one another. Further down the beach
children rise horses and play cricket.
Ahh this is nice.
Battyman tries to stand up but it
doesn't work, so he just continues
to lie where he is. He looks to
his left and further down the
beach a lone figure is


                       BATTY (cont'd)
I wonder if that's David
As the figure gets closer we realise that it is Lewis
wearing flowers in his hair and nothing else besides a fig
leaf over his privates.
Hey Clerke.
Lewis approaches him and kneels beside him in the sand, he
bends over and kisses his forehead before he starts to
massage his balls.
Ahhhhhh that's sooo good.
I heard you needed a hero.
What are you doing here Lewis?
Erm again, I heard you needed a
Yeah, yeah but how did you get out
here on this beach with me?
A beach??
Yeah you know sand, sea, horses a
I'm aware of what a beach is thank
you. But were not on a beach.
Were not?
Battyman shakes his head and everything goes fuzzy, he
closes his eyes once more.


When Battyman reopens his eyes we are back on the Gangs of
New York set. The Blue Sprite is back in her corner with
Satan, Battyman looks up and Lewis is by his side rubbing
his bits still.
Yes Clerke.
How... how do you know?
I figured it out Clerke, I mean
its obvious.
Well it is obvious, but really you
figured it out?
What all by yourself?
Largely yes.
My mum told you didn't she?
Well we were chatting on the phone
and yes she may have accidentally
let it slip that you were a
part-time superhero, but I was
well on my way to figuring it out
myself she just confirmed it for
Ok Lewis, well done. I'm really
sorry that you had to find out
like this, I've been trying to
find a way to tell you for months.
I really have I just didn't want
it to change anything between us.


Oh Clerke, it doesn't matter
really. I love you and I don't
care what you do with your spare
time, infact it's quite a turn on
knowing your dating a Superhero.
Wow really Lewis? Well I'm glad
and I love you too.
The gathered crown sighs in unison and looks really
enamoured by the loving pair.
Ok, enoughs enough you little
lover losers. You've had your
little moment, now if you don't
mind moving aside so I can finish
off this losery loser.
You really need to expand your
Yeah! Well you need to expand your
Ok, I'll certainly think about it.
Good you do that.
Lewis removes his hand from Clerke's crotch and helps him up
off the floor.
What am I to do Lewis, she knows
my weakness. I can't defeat her.
But I've brought you my love
Clerke, you can soar with that.
Erm thanks Lewis, that's a real
bonus. But really what am I to do?
I mean I have this Batman fella as
my coach but he's no good, he
keeps muttering about penguins and
saying that me and this friend of
his called rob or something would


                       BATTY (cont'd)
make a really cute couple.
That fink. Batman your fired.
What? Nobody fires me, I'm the
caped crusader.
Batman hails a taxi and climbs in it, the taxi speeds off
with Batman in it giving him the finger as he leaves.
That was odd.
Hmm quite, anyway I'm your coach
now and always will be. Together
we can fight crime and defeat
Excellent, although your staying
at home whenever it gets
Oh Clerke, I brought you
Lewis hands Battyman a cup.
Erm thanks, but what is it? Is it
one of those face mask things that
stop you from breathing in nasty
odours? If it is then thanks
because that Sprite woman smells
so much like perfume and bath
femininity its really quite
Battyman tries to put it round his mouth and nose.
Lewis I think it's missing the


No Clerke, it's a cup, you know
the things that cricketers wear
whilst their batting to protect
their bits.
Really? They do? I've never heard
of that.
Yes Clerke, they do.
Really? So what do I do with it?
Really Clerke, are you serious?
Ha, no I'm just messing with you.
Battyman takes the cup and looks at Lewis, before he starts
to put it over his face again. Lewis sighs, grabs the cup
and shoves it down Battyman's pants.
Oh I see now, Lewis that's genius,
it's crazy but its clever.
Yes Clerke, now get out there and
kick that Bitches butt.
Battyman walks out to the middle, where the Sprite is. He
stops and looks at her before shoving her shoulder hard.
                                         SFX CROWD GASPS
Oh that was not clever.
The Sprite runs up and kicks Battyman hard in the balls once
again. Battyman stands his ground and doesn't even flinch.
What? What's going on? Why doesn't
this work?
Now your going down Bitch.


Battyman shoots out a cricket net from his wrist, which
snares the Blue Sprite and renders her helpless.
Sorry Sprite, I have to run
promised my mum I'd be home for
tea. Erm I'll see you around
sometime then.
Oh go to hell!
There is a flash and Satan is gone.
See. Now this is what you get for
flirting with the Devil.
Your not funny!
Yeah well your going to prison,
you won't be laughing then.
I'm not laughing now.
Oh you will be, you will be.
Ok I can't talk to you. Someone
take me away please.
Several heavily armed Police men appear and cuff the Blue
                       POLICE MAN
Your going away for a very long
time missy.
You really think any prison can
hold me?
                       POLICE MAN
Nope not just any prison, an extra
special prison where everything is
Blue and all the guards wear blue
and it shall be in the middle of


                       POLICE MAN (cont'd)
the ocean; also blue. So you shall
not be able to manipulate anything
or anyone.
Well that doesn't sound too bad,
if everythings going to be blue. I
rather like blue.
                       POLICE MAN
Maybe not, but you'll be wearing
Noooooooooooooooooooooo! Not
                       POLICE MAN
Take her away.
The police men grab the now kicking and screaming Sprite and
throw her in the back of a armourmed van slamming the door.
The van then drives off at high speed leaving a trail of
dust behind it.
What a bitch!
                       SEC DEF
Battyman we are forever indebted
to you. We drove you away before
because of you sexuality and it
was only once you were gone that
we realised just how much we
needed you. You have taught us all
a valuable lesson, homosexuals
have feelings too and are human
beings just like the rest of us.
Thank you Mr Secretary.
                       SEC STATE
Battyman, we would like to bestow
upon you the honour of being
America's official Superhero.


Wow, official Superhero! I would
indeed be honoured.
                       SEC STATE
Great, well here's this badge that
we can give you now. The rest of
the credentials will come in the
post, you will also get a yearly
salary along with various benefits
and access to the White House
games room.
Aw what??
                       CHIEF STAFF
Come here George. Now!
                       CHIEF STAFF
Now shake hands with Battyman and
tell him that it would be a
Privelege to share your games room
with him.
Oh ok!
The President does what he's told and shakes hands with
Well I must thank you and express
how deeply grateful I am. However
there is one man here who without
none of this would have been made
possible. He is a man who has
always loved and believed in me
and it is he who is the real hero
Is it you?
Oh! Who then?


Why my lover Lewis of course.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Indeed well you shall both be made
national heroes. Infact we shall
now make gay pride day a national
holiday in recognition of you two.
The pair hug each other and smile.
Camera cuts to a news reporter being filmed with the loving
couple in the background.
                       NEWS WOMAN
Todayīs story is one of a more
remarkable nature, it is the story
of how two gays saved the world
from impending doom. The man we
once pushed away because of his
gayness came back to rescue us,
yet were it not for his gay lover
he too surely would have succumbed
to the evil Sprite. So today we
spell redemption G-A-Y.
The reporter drops her microphone and runs off to hug the
gay couple, several other people nearby join in as the
hugging goes wild.
Oh I love to hug.
Amidst all the hugging up walks the Umpire followed by a
gang of orphans.
Orphan four!
Umpire! Is that you?
It certainly is my gay little
orphan buddy.
Ooh Iīm so overwelmed. I canīt
believe you came, and you brought
the kids with you.


Yes indeed, back at the Orphanage
we are all very proud of you. All
the orphans watch you on telly
when we take walks past the
electrical store.
Really? Iīm touched, I thought
everyone there thought I was a big
Well, the kids all did at first,
but this is a completely fresh
batch of orphans right here.
Aawww thats adorable, I want to
adopt them all.
Adopt them all? But we have five
thousand orphans that we know of.
Battyman turns to look at Lewis, who in turn shakes his head
Awww.....Well in that case I shall
take my very comforatble
Government salary and spend it all
on the orphans. They shall have
colour televisions everywhere,
beds with matresses and real
All the assembled orphans cheer in unison.
Wow, how gracious of you kind sir.
In that case we shall rename the
orphanage in your honour. It shall
no longer be called the orphanage,
from now on it shall be known as
The Battyman home for kids without
a home or parents who donīt love
them good.


Gee, I love it. I can see it
Everyone, absolutely everyone claps and cheers with joy.
Oh we are soo happy.
Battyman eyes Lewis up and down and we can see a sudden
glint in his eye.
Its about time I got your home and
stripped you bare. With my teeth.
Everyone stops and looks at Battyman in shock.
I mean its about time I took you
home and stripped the bare facts
out of you for a debrief.
                       SEC STATE
Oh we donīt care, go you two gay
love birds. Go and make gay love,
youīve more than done your bit for
your country and we accept you for
who you are.
Thanks, it means alot coming from
Battyman grasps Lewis and pulls him close to him, they then
lift off in to the sky.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Did he just take his clothes off?
                       SEC STATE
I think so.
                       CHIEF STAFF
Oh, theyīre so gay.
But we love them.


The Blue Sprite is sat in her spacious cell, where
everything is blue except her. She is sat drinking blue
gatorade and eating Blueberries.
                                         SFX BANGING.
                       SPRITES GUARD
Oi Bitch you got a visitor.
The door opens and in steps the guard.
I donīt appreciate being called
The guard steps forward and tasers the Sprite.
                       SPRITES GUARD
I will call you bitch if I want to
call you bitch. Ok!
Ok, fine.
                       SPRITES GUARD
Plus it works on two levels. One
as you are a bitch, and two
because your my bitch now.
The guard tasers the Sprite again.
Oh I see, brilliant. How clever.
The guard stares at the Sprite and then tasers her once more
for good mesure.
Ah, good god. Was that necessary?
                       SPRITES GUARD
Nope but I donīt like you, plus
your my bitch. Anyway get up you
have a visitor.
A visitor? But noone likes me.
The Sprite pulls herself to her feet and the guard exits the
room. Then there is a bright flash and in walks Battyman.


Ah, was that really needed? Íīm
blinded now as well as shocked.
Shocked at seeing me again.
No quite literally shocked, Iīve
just been tasered three times.
Oh, not even a little shocked at
seeing me?
Not really, your quite
Obviously not, how else would I
have beaten you?
What? I knew you would say that,
anyway you had help from your gay
pal. Thatīs cheating.
Nope, sorry but it's not my fault
nobody loves you. I beat you fair
and square, which is why your on
here and I can do this.
Battyman then repeatedly steps in and out of the cell.
In jail, free. In jail, free. In
jail, free.
Yes, yes ok I see your point, well
I'm not sure you do. See in jail,
out of jail, in jail, out of jail.
See i'm free.
Right, ok! I get it enough... Did
you actually come here for a
reason? Or was it just to mock me.


Well mocking was part of my plan.
But no there is actually a real
reason why I'm here.
Go on...
Well it's more of a question
Well ok, I want to know why your
so mean to me?
Erm hello, were arch-enemies..duh
Yea I know that. I'm not a
complete idiot. I mean why must
you be so harsh and call me names
all the time? Why do you bring my
sexuality in to it?
You really want to know?
Uh huh. Else I wouldn't have
Yes. Dammit.
Alright, keep your hair on.
Well of course I'm going to keep
my hair on. What a stupid thing to
say! It's not like my hair's just
going to spontaneously fall out or


Uuuh, it's a saying.
No you were saying...
Gee, I swear your retarded. Anyway
it's not you I hate, it's that
stupid game.
Game? What game?
Cricket you idiot! I hate cricket
and cricketers.
But I'm not a cricketer.
I know, I know. It's complicted,
but five years ago I lived with my
husband and our newly born child
in a beautiful house in Chicago
and everything was wonderful.
Until one day we subscribed to
that Sky Sports channel, anyway my
husband would spend more time
watching cricket on Sky and less
time with me and our son. Then one
day when I came home from work he
was gone along with the Sky box
and our plasma. I found a note on
the toilet that simlpy said that
he loved me but he loved cricket
more and that he had moved to
Australia to try and make it as a
Wow, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
But wait you said you had a son.
Yes, I did. But when my husband
left that's when I turned to the
Sprite, it consumed me. So they
took my son off me and put him in
an orphanage.


A son. In an orphanage? Hang on a
minute....No it can't be true, are
you telling me that I'm your son?
Battyman runs up and hugs the Sprite.
Oh good god no, get off. How old
do you think I am? Did you just
listen to any of that story? He's
five, my son is five.
Oh, yes sorry. Well I feel pretty
stupid now. Gee this is awkward.
So anyway why do you hate me?
Are you serious? I just explained
Yes, no I mean no that wasn't what
I meant to ask. I meant whats your
problem with the whole gay thing
Well it's back to the whole
cricket thing. I mean cricket
stole my husband from me and also
because of cricket I can't have
you either Battyman. I can't have
Your weird, I mean you have some
serious mental issues. You should
really consider therapy or
Battyman turns round and heads for the door.
What are you doing?
Well I got what I came for, so I'm
going now.


Fine just you leave, leave me just
like everyone leaves.
I will, I have to go. What would
you like me to do? Stay here and
play chequers with you all night?
Please, that'd be nice.
No! I was being sarcastic. I'm
going now.
Battyman turns about and starts to walk away from the
I'll get you Battyman.
No you won't, your in jail.
Fine then, my son will get you.
No he won't, he's five.
Ok then, in fifteen years or so my
son will get you.
As the Sprite says this Battyman stops abruptly at the door
and turns about to face her.
Should your son ever grow up and
should he decide that he wants to
choose world domination as his
life goal. Or should you ever get
out of here you can rest assured
that I will be out there still,
Battyman turns around to leave and walks straight in to the


Yeah you have to scan your hand
first. It doesn't just open,
believe me I've tried.
Battyman scans his hand on the pad, the doors bleeps and
opens. Battyman steps though and it closes behind him. The
Sprite is then left in the solitude of her blue cell,
feeling very alone she starts to cry.
(Sobs) I shall have my vengeance,
I don't know how yet but I shall
have it. Battyman shall pay.
So live was sweet for Battyman
once again, he had the love of
Lewis, the orphans and more
importantly the rest of the world.
He also now had a rediculously
large goverment salary to live
off. The world was not safe and
many people were happy; obviously
not everyone can be happy but more
people were happy than would be
had the world of been dominated.
The Sprite was locked up and
everyone was safe, but for how


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