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Love In South Logan
by Bill Held and Steven Benge (heldbill@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

An off-beat romantic comedy.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



LOVE IN SOUTH LOGAN

FADE IN:

INT. OPENING SCENE- WOSSUM? - NIGHT
                                                            
( The film starts with an establishing shot of the inside of
house that Bill, Mike and their father live in. )

( Cash is on the phone wrapping up a conversation. Bill and
Mike are playing each other in rock'em sock'em robots. )

( Cash is wearing a nice, casual button down shirt, with a
pair of dark blue jeans. Mike is wearing a blue shirt and it
has "Rock'em Sock'em Robots" as a logo across the front of
it. He is also wearing a pair of light blue jeans. Bill is
wearing a navy blue t-shirt with the word "beer" written
across the front and a pair of cargo pants. )

( Cash hangs up the phone. )
                                                            
                       CASH
Good news, everybody. Lauren and
Kim are coming over, and Kim's
bringing her sister.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Kim?.. Is that the one chick that
I did the thing with at the place
that had the guy with the funny
eye?
                                                            
                       CASH
That'd be the one.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Sweet.
                                                            
                       BILL
This sister: age range,
approximate cup size, and degree
of hotness.
                                                            
( Bill snaps finger and points at Cash. )
                                                            
                       BILL
And go!
                                                            
                       CASH
Legal. Don't know. And does it
matter?
                                                            

2.

                       BILL
Touche.
                                                            
( Bill sprays body spray inside his pants down into his
crotch. )
                                                            
( The doorbell rings at that moment, and Cash answers the
door. )
                                                            
                       CASH
Hey. C'mon in.
                                                            
( Lauren, Kim, and Erica walk in. )

( Lauren is wearing a tight Rollings Stones Forty Licks tour
shirt with a pair of tight blue jeans. Kim is wearing a
pair of khaki shorts and a black spaghetti strap top. Erica
is wearing light blue shirt with thin pink vertical stripes
and a pair of tight blue jeans. Erica has a humpback. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Can I offer you ladies a delicious
cold beverage?
Vodka perhaps?
                                                            
                       LAUREN
      (sarcastically)
I don't know if I should. Every
time I drink I just
get the urge to get naked, but
then again, who doesn't?
                                                            
( Bill runs from the refrigerator trips and falls, and gets
back up in a panic to give Lauren the beer. )
                                                            
                       KIM
      (seriously)
Yeah, I know what you mean. Every
time I drink I pretty
much end up sleeping with the
first guy in sight. Even if
it's just one beer.
                                                            
( Bill violently rips the beer out of Lauren's hand and
hands
it to Kim. )

( Cash hands Lauren a beer. )

( Bill turns to Erica whose hump is on her left side. )
                                                            

3.

                       BILL
Can I get you...Holy goat fuck,
batman!!! Who invited
the chud?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Chud?
                                                            
                       BILL
Cannibalistic humanoid underground
dweller, but
that's not the point.
                                                            
( Bill snaps fingers at Cash and Mike. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Conference. Kitchen. Now!!!
                                                            
( Bill storms into the kitchen followed by Cash and Mike who
are trying to stifle their laughter. )
                                                            
                       CASH
What's the problem, man?
                                                            
                       BILL
I get Kim, right? 'Cuz there's no
way I'm fucking
Crippley McGee. It's just not
going to happen...without a
fight.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Relax, guy. Kim's with me.
                                                            
                       BILL
This is bullshit. I didn't sign up
to coach the
Special Olympics team. How about
I fuck Kim, and you fuck
Slagathor?
                                                            
                       MIKE
No way. We have history. Sensual
history.
                                                            
                       BILL
Fuck history. I'm not sticking my
dick in half-wombat half-possum
girl!
                                                            
( Mike scratches chin and looks up quizzically. )
                                                            

4.

                       MIKE
Wossum?
                                                            
                       BILL
I hate you.
                                                            
                       CASH
Look. How about you just give her
a chance. Who knows? Maybe you
two will hit it off.
                                                            
                       BILL
And maybe I'll catch rabies.
                                                            
                       CASH
Come on. Take one for the team.
                                                            
                       BILL
Fine, but I want to go on record
saying that I'm totally opposed to
this.
                                                            
( Bill gulps a bottle of vodka and time lapse to Bill and
Erica alone, sitting in the living room. Very awkward
silence and sounds of Mike and Kim having sex in Mike's
bedroom and the noticeable absence of Cash and Lauren. )
                                                            
                       BILL
So, Wossum..what do you do?
                                                            
                       ERICA
I'm sorry. Wossum?
                                                            
                       BILL
What? Oh, don't worry about it.
                                                            
                       ERICA
I'm a chiropractor, and in my
spare time I work with blind
orphans.
                                                            
                       BILL
Chiropractor, huh? Why haven't
you cured yourself? Answer that
one.
                                                            
                       ERICA
Joke if you want but I love my
job, and I'm comfortable with who
I am.
                                                            
( awkward silence )
                                                            

5.

                       BILL
So, we gonna do this or not?
                                                            
( Bill stands up and drops his pants. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. SCENE - THE MORNING AFTER - DAY
                                                            
( Cash is watching TV in the living room. Mike is in the
kitchen )

( Bill walks in the kitchen and grabs a beer out of the
fridge. )

( Cash is wearing a flannel shirt with a # 7 on the back of
it, and a pair of blue jeans. Mike is wearing a t-shirt
that says "nobody has wood like lumberjacks" and a pair of
blue jeans. Bill is wearing a flannel shirt that is
unbuttoned with a plain white t-shirt under it, and a pair
of blue jeans. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
So, how was your night?
                                                            
                       BILL
I hate you.
                                                            
                       MIKE
I heard some noises from your room
last night.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't wanna talk about it.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Come on...
                                                            
                       BILL
No...
                                                            
                       MIKE
Come on...
                                                            
                       BILL
No...
                                                            
                       MIKE
Come on...
                                                            

6.

                       BILL
Alright, I slipped the disk! I
rode splash mountain! What do you
want from me?!
                                                            
                       MIKE
So, how was it?
                                                            
                       BILL
Like school in the summertime.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What?
                                                            
                       BILL
Nevermind...
                                                            
( Bill walks into living room and sits next to Cash watching
the pregame show to the lumberjack championship on TV. )
                                                            
                       CASH
So?
                                                            
                       BILL
What??!?!?!?
                                                            
                       CASH
So, did you make sweet love down
by the fire?
                                                            
                       BILL
No, but I fixed her back, and if
it makes you feel better, when she
got naked she looked like a
Picasso painting of a turtle.
                                                            
( doorbell rings )
( Bill sighs and then gets up and answers the door. )
( Ashley is at the door and she is wearing a polo shirt and
a pair of jeans. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
My computer is acting up. I need
to use yours.
                                                            
                       BILL
Alright, come in.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hey, Bill. Erica called. She
wants her crutches back.
                                                            

7.

                       ASHLEY
Crutches?
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't worry about it.
                                                            
                       MIKE
You're not going to tell her?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Tell me what?
                                                            
                       BILL
Nothing. Don't worry about it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Just tell me. You know I won't
judge you.
                                                            
                       BILL
I fucked a crippled chick last
night.
                                                            
( Ashley laughs and hangs her head in shame. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You're incorrigible.
                                                            
                       BILL
Shut up.
                                                            
( Bill playfully pushes her, and they begin to walk upstairs
to his room together while talking. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Did you at least use protection?
                                                            
                       BILL
No, but she called out to god a
lot, and I assume that counts for
something.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You're going to get somebody
pregnant if you're not careful.
                                                            
                       BILL
Take your curses elsewhere, gypsy.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You're so special.
                                                            

8.

( Ashley pats Bill on his head)

( Ashley gets on the computer and porn instantly pops up.
Porn screams are heard. Ashley sighs and closes the window
without reacting. Bill lays on his bed and takes a nap while
watching the pregame show for the lumberjack championships
while drinking his beer.)

( time lapse to half an hour later )
( Bill's dad walks into the room, and wakes him by throwing
a unopened can of beer at his crotch. )

( Bill's dad is wearing a flannel t-shirt with "I'm a
lumberjack and I'm okay" written on the front, and a pair of
blue jeans. )
                                                            
                       DAD
Get up, artard. The game's on.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm not an artard. You're an
artard.
                                                            
                       DAD
You're an artard.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Boys, please. If you're going to
be artards, take it downstairs.
                                                            
( Bill and his dad at the same time to Ashley, "You're an
artard." )
                                                            
( Ashley rolls her eyes and Bill and his dad go downstairs.
A bunch of guy friends are downstairs watching lumberjack
competitions. )
( Doorbell rings; mike answers door and it is Amber on the
other side. Amber is wearing a red bikini top and a pair of
tight blue jeans. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Amber!!! This is a surprise. A
sensual surprise. Last time I saw
you, I was in you. How's your ear
feeling?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Better. Is Bill around?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Why? Did Bill win the raffle?
                                                            

9.

                       AMBER
Something like that...
                                                            
                       MIKE
Bill, it's for you. I hope you
kept the receipt.
                                                            
( Bill walks over from behind the couch where he was
standing to the front door. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Amber. You're looking as slutty
as ever. How ya been?
                                                            
                       AMBER
I know, isn't it cute. I love how
these pants say, "I'm here for
business", but the bikini top
says, "I can be playful, too."
Anyway, I need your blood.
                                                            
                       BILL
My blood?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Yes, your blood.
                                                            
                       BILL
I like where this is going, but
why?
                                                            
                       AMBER
I’m pregnant, and I think it’s
yours.
                                                            
                       BILL
Pregnant?! You told me that you
were on the shot.
                                                            
                       AMBER
I am. For rabies.
                                                            
                       BILL
I thought you said babies.
                                                            
                       AMBER
Well, you heard wrong. Give me
your blood.
                                                            
                       BILL
What do you need the blood for?
                                                            

10.

                       AMBER
Paternity test.
                                                            
                       BILL
What if I refuse?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Have you ever refused me before?
                                                            
                       BILL
Once, but that was because I
passed out.
                                                            
                       AMBER
Actually, you weren't passed out
enough. What's that behind
you?!?!?!?
                                                            
( Amber points behind him, and when he turns his head, she
stabs him with the needle and draws a blood sample. )
                                                            
                       BILL
What the hell, crazy lady?
                                                            
                       AMBER
I always get my way. I'll let you
know how everything turns out.
                                                            
( Amber turns and walks away, and Bill walks back inside
stunned. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Who shit in your cornflakes?
                                                            
                       BILL
Amber shit in my cornflakes...
                                                            
                       MIKE
That is her specialty.
                                                            
                       BILL
No. No. Amber is pregnant, and
it might be mine.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Holy shit, everybody. Bill got
Amber pregnant.
                                                            
                       CASH
Amber?!? I remember her. That's
the chick that gargles. She goes
for blood and semen!
                                                            

11.

                       GUY #1
Talk about loose. Did I ever tell
you guys about that time I almost
drowned. Good thing that midget
was there.
                                                            
                       GUY #2
It smelled worse than anthrax, and
I could've sworn it spoke.
                                                            
                       DAD
Consuela just got that smell out
of my bed sheets.
                                                            
                       MIKE
She makes me think of that band
Journey. Don't stop believin',
Bill!
                                                            
                       BILL
I hate you.
                                                            
( Bill trudges upstairs and plops down on his bed. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
What happened? Did the Brawny guy
lose?
                                                            
                       BILL
Remember Amber?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah. I still can't believe you
even stooped that low. Shame on
you.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, everybody was doing it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
And if everyone jumped off a
bridge would you do that too?
                                                            
                       BILL
If everyone was jumping off a
bridge and landing on amber's
amazingly soft knockers, then,
yes.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, I guess you got me there.
So, why are you moping around?
                                                            

12.

                       BILL
Yeah, well, I might have gotten
her pregnant.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You moron. That's why you're
supposed to use protection.
Especially with someone like
Amber. That's what you get for
not listening to me.
                                                            
                       BILL
Can't you be supportive in my time
of need?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You did this to yourself. You
know that, right?
                                                            
                       BILL
      (oblivious)
Explain..
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, you're a mega-slut. She's a
mega-slut. As far as I'm
concerned, you should've seen this
coming.
                                                            
                       BILL
I’m not a mega-slut.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yes, you are. You're an arrogant
and pretentious little man whore.
You're worse than Hugh Grant.
                                                            
                       BILL
That hurts. I show none of those
qualities. That's my dad you're
thinking about.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That not withstanding, you can't
hide from what you are.
                                                            
                       BILL
What do you mean?
                                                            

13.

                       ASHLEY
You only care about two things:
sex and yourself. And i'm sure
you could add a third thing and
say sex with yourself.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm not that selfish.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yes, you are. It's like the world
revolves around Bill. It's always
about Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (singing)
Bill Bill banana fanna fo fill, mi
my mo mill, Bill!
                                                            
                       BILL
What the hell was that?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I don’t know, It just felt right.
                                                            
                       BILL
OK. Well, whatever, the world
doesn't revolve around me.
                                                            
( Consuela walks into the room with a laundry basket and
starts picking up bill's dirty clothes along with a couple
of random bras. )
( Consuela is wearing a pair of old jeans and a loose
t-shirt with a picture of Menudo on it. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Sure it does. Just ask Consuela.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Ask me what?
                                                            
                       BILL
Am I arrogant?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yeah, pretty much. It's always
about Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (singing)
Bill Bill banana fana fo fill me
my mo mill, Bill!
                                                            

14.

                       BILL
Whatever.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Thank you, Consuela.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
De nada, Ashley.
                                                            
( Consuela walks out of the room with the laundry basket. )
                                                            
( Ashley turns back to Bill. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I can't think of one time, in all
the years that I have known you,
where you weren't a giant mega
whore who was full of himself.
                                                            
                       BILL
There was that one time I helped
you out at that bake sale for your
church.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yeah, and you hit on mother
superior.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, she had it coming the way she
was flaunting her ruler around
like she owned the place. She
wanted it bad, and she didn't care
how she got it.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Face it, Bill. You can't go
without sleeping with random
women. You don't respect women,
and you have commitment issues.
Probably because you grew up
without a mother in the house, but
that's none of my business.
Besides, I like you just the way
you are.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, how about this? I promise
that if I am not the father of
amber's baby, I will never have
premarital sex again.
                                                            

15.

                       ASHLEY
Your promises are pretty much
meaningless. I need something
concrete.
                                                            
                       BILL
Like what?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Pinky swear me.
                                                            
( Lighting crashes even though it's not raining. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Pinky swear?
                                                            
( Lighting crashes even though it's not raining. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yes, pinky swear.
                                                            
( Lighting crashes even though it's not raining. )
                                                            
                       BILL
OK, fine. I, Bill Morrison, pinky
swear ( lightning crash when he
says pinky swear) Ashley Argento,
to never have premarital sex
again, unless it's a midget.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No. No. No exceptions
                                                            
                       BILL
Fine. Never have premarital sex
again, not even if it's a midget,
or an Asian, or Natalie Imbruglia,
even if she is with Lisa Loeb and
they are both singing that song,
if I am not the father of Amber's
baby.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
OK, pinkies in.
                                                            
( Dramatic close up of pinkies touching and lighting
crashing in background )

(End scene)
                                                            
 

16.

INT. NOT MINE? - DAY
                                                            
( It's two weeks later and Bill, Mike, Cash, and Dad are all
sitting in the living room watching the Toxic Avenger. )
( Bill has a purple t-shirt with white print on it, Mike has
a Toxic Avenger t-shirt on, Cash has a button down shirt on,
and Dad is wearing a Logan High School Football 1974 shirt
on. They are all wearing jeans.)
                                                            
( The phone rings and Mike answers. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hello?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Hey, is Bill there?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, who's calling?
                                                            
                       AMBER
It's Amber.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh, Amber. It must be my
birthday. Or any other day of the
year because you're such a damn
whore. So, what time today will I
be plowing you?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Sorry, hun. I'm booked up this
week. I'll pencil you in for next
week, though. Where's bill?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Sweet. Hold on. Bill! Telephone!
It's whore breath!
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, Amber. So, am I having a
bastard?
                                                            
                       AMBER
No. It's not yours.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yes!!!! You're goddamn right it's
not mine!!! Whose is it, then?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Well, actually, it's the mixture
of seven different guys' sperm.
                                                            

17.

                       BILL
Really? Just seven?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Yeah, apparently all of their
sperm combined to form a mega
mutant sperm that actually
scrambled 30% of my egg before it
took.
                                                            
                       BILL
Kind of like that one Jeff Golblum
movie?
                                                            
                       AMBER
Which one? Earth Girls Are Easy?
                                                            
                       BILL
No, The Fly.
                                                            
                       AMBER
Kind of, but slightly discolored.
But only slightly.
                                                            
                       BILL
Wow! Well, tell me how that works
out for you.
                                                            
                       AMBER
OK. Tell your dad I said, "push
down and turn". He'll know what it
means.
                                                            
                       BILL
Uh, yeah.
                                                            
( Bill hangs up the phone and starts doing a victory dance.
)

( Ashley knocks on the door wearing a white button down
blouse and a pair of khaki pants. Mike answers the door. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hey, Ashley, you finally here to
ride the snake?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Down boy. I'm just here to use
Bill's computer.
                                                            

18.

                       MIKE
You can't hide your feelings for
me forever. Your sensual
feelings.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I guess all I can do is try.
                                                            
( Ashley walks past Mike and up to Bill who is doing a happy
dance by the phone. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Easy, Michael Flattley. What's
with the jig?
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, it turns out that I am not
the father of Amber's baby.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's lucky. Whose baby is it?
                                                            
                       BILL
It's like seven different Guy's
mutant baby or something.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Good for her, but you know what
this means, right?
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, it means I only see her
during appointments now.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Afraid not, my happy little
deadbeat. You have a pinky swear
(lightning crash) to uphold.
                                                            
                       BILL
No pinky swear( lightning crash
)in the world has jurisdiction
over my libido.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You know, I knew you weren't a
perfect guy, but never for the
life of me did I think that you
would be such a horribly evil
person to go back on a pinky
swear. (lightning crash )
                                                            

19.

                       BILL
What's so special about a pinky
swear? (lightning crashes)
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It's a promise made between two
people that is never broken, even
by the most deceitful of people.
If you go back on this, I'll never
look at you the same.
                                                            
                       BILL
Are you serious? You're not
serious. Oh, wow. You're
serious.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Afraid so. What's it going to be?
Me or meaningless sex?
                                                            
                       BILL
OK. OK. Fine. Ashley, you know
you've always been the wind
beneath my wings.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
I know.
                                                            
( Ashley walks upstairs to Bill's room, and Bill sits back
down on the couch. )
                                                            
                       CASH
What was that all about? Ashley
looked kind of upset? Did Mike
explain his five point plan to her
again?
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, but that's not what that's
about.
                                                            
                       CASH
Then, what was it about?
                                                            
                       BILL
Ashley's all pissed off because I
pinky swore ( lightning crash )her
that I would never have sex again
if I wasn't the father of Amber's
baby, and I'm not.
                                                            

20.

                       CASH
You seriously pinky swore?
(lightning crash)
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah. I didn't know it would be
such a big deal to her.
                                                            
                       CASH
You didn't think it was a big
deal?!? Dude, you never pinky
swear (lightning crash) unless you
mean it. Not with your best
friend. Not with a stranger, Not
with anybody. And if you do pinky
swear,(lightning crash) you never
go back on it.
                                                            
                       BILL
OK, I can understand not going
back on one you make with your
best friend, but strangers?
                                                            
                       CASH
Nobody. You know who goes back on
pinky swears (lightning crash)?
Pedophiles, vegans, and Hitler.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, what your saying is that I'm
fucked?
                                                            
                       CASH
Quite the opposite, little
brother, you will never be fucked
again until you get married.
                                                            
                       BILL
Goddamnit!
                                                            
                       CASH
Hey, Mike, guess what this dumb
ass did.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Did he put the liquid soap in the
dishwasher, again?
                                                            
                       CASH
No, he pink swore (lightning
crash) to never have sex again
until he got married.
                                                            

21.

( Mike laughs uncontrollably. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Good job, you mook. You just cost
yourself years of shameless
enjoyment. Do you feel gay yet?
                                                            
                       BILL
I hate you.
                                                            
( Bill walks away while Mike screams at him. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Can you feel yourself turning gay,
yet? It's coming for you, and
hell's coming with it. Mark my
words! Mark them! Maaaark
theeem!!!
                                                            
( Camera pulls out to the outside of the house and shows
birds being scared away by mike's scream. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. A SEXLESS LIFE, IS A LIFE NOT WORTH LIVING - DAY
                                                            
( A few weeks later )

( Bill is unshaven and unkempt and is dropping things and
getting frustrated. He is wearing a pair of pajama pants
and a white t-shirt. )

( Bill's dad is wearing a pair of tan dockers and a green
polo shirt. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Goddamn fucking pickles!!! I hate
you so goddamn much, you fucking
green, slimy, dog bone, fucking
pickle fucker!!!
                                                            
                       DAD
Who shit in your cornflakes?
                                                            
                       BILL
Definitely not Amber! Not anymore!
Oh, god, how I miss vagina!!!
                                                            
                       DAD
Why haven't you been getting
vagina? You turning into a peter
puffing nancy boy on me.
                                                            

22.

                       BILL
No, I pinky swore ( lightning
crash ) Ashley I wouldn't have sex
again until I was married.
                                                            
                       DAD
Why would you do a thing like
that?
                                                            
                       BILL
Long story. I don't wanna talk
about it.
                                                            
                       DAD
Well, it looks like you're not
having sex until you're married,
then.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm seriously thinking about going
back on it. I can't take it
anymore.
                                                            
                       DAD
Boy, I didn't raise a coward. You
uphold your end of the pinky swear
( lightning crash ) and in the end
you'll thank yourself and respect
yourself more, and people will
respect you more.
                                                            
                       BILL
But, Dad, I've got a fever, and
the only cure is vagina.
                                                            
                       DAD
OK, you listen up, and you listen
good. Let me tell you something
about honor, respect, integrity,
doing the right thing, and overall
just being a goddamn man! There
comes a time in every man's life,
when he cowboys up, or he cowboys
down. And there's no way, that no
son of mine, is gonna be some
hippie, peter puffing nancy, who's
gonna crawfish on a pinky swear,(
lightning crash ) just to get his
dick wet. I didn't watch my
friend, get his head blown off in
Nam in the name of honor, just to
have you drag it through the mud.
He paid his buck o five. Now look
boy, I know it's hard, but you
            (MORE)

23.

                       DAD (cont'd)
just gotta be strong. Be
honorable. Be a man. You wanna
know what I do when I need some
advice, and things have got me
down? I turn to Ted. ( looks in
the direction of Ted Danson
picture on the wall above the TV )
Ask Danson, he'll steer you on the
right track.
                                                            
                       BILL
I think I understand, Dad. Thank
you for showing me what it means
to be a man.
                                                            
                       DAD
Don't thank me. Thank Ted Danson.
                                                            
( camera zooms into Ted Danson picture. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. BAR SCENE - NIGHT
                                                            
( Bill, Mike, and Cash with Lauren. Bill looks depressed
and is sitting at the bar not saying a word while the others
engage in conversation. Mike takes notice and starts
talking to Bill. )

( Bill is wearing a purple t-shirt with the KY Jelly logo on
it, and a pair of blue jeans. Mike is wearing a red t-shirt
with the word slut written across it in yellow letters. Cash
is in a pastel green button down shirt and a pair of dark
blue jeans. Lauren is in a pink baby t-shirt and a pair of
tight blue jeans. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Who shit in your cornflakes?
                                                            
                       BILL
Life. Life shit in my cornflakes.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Wow...That's almost deep. Does
baby want another Zima? Seriously,
look at all the panty bacon
running around here.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, it's fucking great. Too bad
I can't have any of it.
                                                            

24.

                       MIKE
Did the pinky swear cover yodeling
in the canyon?
                                                            
                       BILL
Dude, everything...
                                                            
                       MIKE
Does it apply to me?
                                                            
                       BILL
Why would it, artard?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I'm not an artard. You're an
artard. Either way, that's all I
needed to hear. I'm gonna go look
for some badly packed kebabs and
have myself a little barbecue. If
you catch my drift.
                                                            
                       BILL
No, I don't. That makes no sense.
                                                            
                       MIKE
It doesn't have to make sense to
you, artard. Later, loser.
                                                            
                       BILL
I hate him...
                                                            
( Bill sits at bar alone drinking. )
( Time lapse as Bill is singing El Scorcho and Consuela
wanders up wearing a tight, baby blue muscle shirt and a
pair of tight blue jeans. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
My brother's looking for a
mariachi singer if you're
interested.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey!!!!!! You're just in time for
the hat dance.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Lucky me. Can I buy you a drink?
                                                            
                       BILL
Sure. But don't expect me to fuck
you cuz I can't!!! Goddamn pinky
swear.
                                                            

25.

                       CONSUELA
Yeah, I heard about that. How ya
holding up?
                                                            
                       BILL
Lousy!!!
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, you could always find true
love and get married.
                                                            
                       BILL
True love. (blows raspberry) What
skirt would date a guy they
couldn't have sex with until they
got married? A christian?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Maybe the answer's right in front
of you and you don't know it.
                                                            
                       BILL
The only thing in front of me is a
Robert Frost laden road that forks
and I don't know which way to go.
Can't someone please help me?
                                                            
( Bill breaks his glass angrily. )
                                                            
                       BARTENDER
Hey, buddy. I think you've had
enough.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'll tell you when I've had
enough. You can't just decide
when I'm drunk. That decision is
mine. You can't just go around
telling people what they are and
what they aren't all willy-nilly
like. I don't think you're a good
bartender. How you like that?
                                                            
                       BARTENDER
Alright, you need to leave.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, you wanna go?!?!?!? I'm like
Sonny Chiba when I'm angry. Huh?
You wanna see the streetfighter?
Huh? Well, do you? Huh?
                                                            

26.

                       CONSUELA
I got him. Don't worry. Let's go
Russel Crowe.
                                                            
                       BILL
You're lucky the mexican sister of
streetfighter showed up...we'll
meet again, barkeep.
                                                            
( Consuela walks Bill out of the bar and the scene ends with
a close up of the bartender looking annoyed. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. THE MORNING AFTER - DAY
                                                            
( Bill wakes up in bed fully clothed with a terrible
hangover. )
                                                            
                       BILL
( Marlon Brando voice ) Ohhhh!!!
                                                            
( Consuela walks in wearing an old grungy t-shirt and a pair
of ratty blue jeans. Her hair is pulled back in a pony tail.
)
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Good morning, sunshine.
                                                            
                       BILL
How'd I get home?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I put you in a cab.
                                                            
                       BILL
Was it a sexy cab?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Nope. Just a plain old amarillo
one. But the driver was a cross
dresser if that counts for
something.
                                                            
                       BILL
Amarillo?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Amarillo means yellow.
                                                            

27.

                       BILL
      (sarcastically)
Hey, you keep your devil tongue to
yourself.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Whatever you say, white boy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, can I ask you a question?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Sure.
                                                            
                       BILL
Why do you work here?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Because you pay me.
                                                            
                       BILL
Actually, my dad pays you, but
that's not what I mean. Why a
house keeper? You seem pretty
smart. Why work as a house
keeper?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Because it pays well, and it's
easy. And my brothers spend all
the rent money fixing up their
stupid lowriders.
                                                            
                       BILL
But is that what you want to do
for the rest of your life? Clean
houses?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
First of all, there is nothing
wrong with cleaning houses. My
mother did it her whole life to
give us a better life in America,
and I don't feel shamed because of
it. But no, I don't want to do
this for the rest of my life. I
want to get married and have
bunches of fat babies, and clean a
house of my own.
                                                            
                       BILL
Makes sense. Well, one day I hope
to have sex again.
                                                            

28.

                       CONSUELA
Keep hope alive. Maybe one day,
both of our dreams will come true.
                                                            
                       BILL
One day.

                                                            
( Ashley walks into the room wearing a pair of blue running
shorts and a blue sports bra, carrying Gatorade and a
Snickers bar as Consuela walks out. She tosses the Gatorade
and the Snickers to Bill. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hey, I heard you had a rough night
last night.
                                                            
                       BILL
How the hell does everybody hear
about this shit so fast?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
It's a small world.
                                                            
                       BILL
Ashley, you've got to call off
this pinky swear. I can't take it
anymore.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Sorry. I don't go back on pinky
swears.
                                                            
                       BILL
Please, Ashley. I feel like
Atlas. Please take the world off
my shoulders. Give me freedom.
The freedom to be the man whore I
know I'm destined to be.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
OK, I'm leaving. I'll come back
when you have better control over
yourself.
                                                            
( Ashley walks out of the room. )
                                                            
                       BILL
I hate you so much right now.
                                                            
( Bill walks to Cash's room and sees Cash is not there. Mike
walks by. )

29.

( Mike is wearing a green t-shirt with the teenage mutant
ninja turtles logo on it and a pair of blue jeans. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, where's Cash?
                                                            
                       MIKE
He's canoodling the cheddar.
                                                            
                       BILL
What the hell does that even mean?
                                                            
                       MIKE
He's at Lauren's place.
                                                            
( Bill walks back into his room and calls Lauren's place. )
( Cash and Lauren are having sex. Lauren answers the phone
and continues to ride Cash. )
                                                            
                       LAUREN
Hello?
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, is Cash...Are you two fucking
right now?
                                                            
                       LAUREN
Yeah, what do you want?
                                                            
                       BILL
I can call back later.
                                                            
                       LAUREN
No, it's fine. What do you want?
                                                            
                       BILL
Can I speak to Cash?
                                                            
( Lauren hands the phone to Cash, Cash throws the phone on
the floor and puts it on speaker phone. )
                                                            
                       CASH
Hello?
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, man, I need some brotherly
advice.
                                                            
                       CASH
What? Speak up. You're on speaker
phone
                                                            

30.

                       BILL
I need some help.
                                                            
                       CASH
With what?
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't know what to do about this
pinky swear thing.
                                                            
                       CASH
What do you mean? It's pretty
simple. You make a pinky swear.
You keep it. What else is there?
                                                            
                       BILL
But I don't want to keep it
anymore. It's driving me mad!!!
                                                            
                       CASH
Stop worrying about it so much and
cowboy up.
                                                            
                       BILL
Ya know, I have yet to figure out
just what the fuck that means.
                                                            
                       CASH
It's redneck for "be a man."
                                                            
                       BILL
I’m not a redneck.
                                                            
                       CASH
So?
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, Dr. Phil. If I'm not a
redneck, and you're not a redneck,
why the hell are you speaking
redneck to me?
                                                            
                       CASH
I’m trying to get a point across.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, you're doing a horrible job.
                                                            
                       LAUREN
OK, look. There's a very simple
solution to this whole conundrum.
Man is a sexual creature by
nature. To deny this is to deny
everything that we've been created
            (MORE)

31.

                       LAUREN (cont'd)
for. Mankind needs sex for
reproduction as well as
recreation. Furthermore, the
double standard that our society
has imposed upon the gender roles
doesn't help matters. If a man is
promiscuous, he is treated as a
hero. On the other hand, a female
is treated like a simple scullery
maid. I'm not saying that you
should break the sacred vow that
is the almighty pinky swear. You
have two options. Either live a
cold and destitute life forever
scorned of the touch of another or
find a suitable mate to marry.
                                                            
                       BILL
Like who?
                                                            
                       LAUREN
I can only show you the way. You
have to travel it.
                                                            
                       CASH
What about that Ashley chick?
                                                            
                       BILL
No way, man.
                                                            
                       CASH
You can't tell me that you and
Ashley haven't bumped uglies.
                                                            
                       BILL
Nope. Never. I've never thought
of her like that.
                                                            
                       CASH
Damn, if I were you I would have
smashed her like an Idaho potato.
                                                            
( Lauren smacks Cash and continues to ride him like a dime
store pony. )
                                                            
                       LAUREN
What other female are you friends
with?
                                                            
                       BILL
Hmmmm.. I can't think of any.
                                                            

32.

                       LAUREN
None?
                                                            
                       BILL
The only other one I can think of
is Consuela, and she isn't as much
a friend as she is hired help.
                                                            
                       CASH
Marry her, then.
                                                            
( Cash hangs up phone. )
( Camera zooms in a close up on Bill's face and then pans up
to a light bulb turning on above his head. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. MARRIAGE PROPOSAL - DAY
                                                            
( Bill walks down stairs and finds Consuela unloading the
dishwasher. He stares at her ass in awe as she bends over
for a few seconds then snaps out of it. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, Consuela, why don't you take
a break for a second.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
That would be nice, mi hijo, but
if you want a clean house, I
really don't have the time.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't worry about the house right
now. You can just stay late if
you have to. We should talk.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
About what? A raise?
                                                            
                       BILL
Awww. You're so cute, but no. I
just realized that we have never
really sat down and just chatted
before. I just think we should
get to know each other better.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
You feeling OK? I think this no
sex thing is starting to fry your
brain.
                                                            

33.

                       BILL
Well, I'm not going to lie to you,
I haven't even thought about sex
in days.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What about last night?
                                                            
                       BILL
That didn't count.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Whatever you say, white boy. So,
what do you want to know about me?
                                                            
                       BILL
How's the family? Everybody doing
OK?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Funny you should ask, my brothers
are actually.....
                                                            
( Bill cuts her off in mid sentence. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Hahaha. That's hilarious. So,
how much longer do you have before
your green card expires?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I don't know if anybody has ever
told you, but you're not good at
subtlety. What do you want from
me?
                                                            
                       BILL
What?!? You think I have some
kind of hidden agenda here? I
can't believe you, Consuela. As
long as you've been cleaning up
after me, I figured you would know
me better than that.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (somewhat
       sarcastically)
OK, I'm sorry. I was out of line.
Forgive me.
                                                            
                       BILL
It's all good. Let's just forget
it happened and get back to our
chat. Where were we? The green
            (MORE)

34.

                       BILL (cont'd)
card?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, I wasn't going to say
anything until tomorrow, but since
you asked, it expires in two
weeks.
                                                            
                       BILL
Get the fuck out of here! You
serious?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Afraid so. Although, I didn't
expect you to get this upset about
it.
                                                            
                       BILL
What!?!? Not be upset about it?!?
What am i supposed to do without
my little gordita running around
here cleaning things up and being
all cute like.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I'm sure you'll be fine.
                                                            
                       BILL
No, it's a travesty. One I will
not stand for. Marry me.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Marry you?!
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, marry me. Right now. You
want to stay here in America. I
want you to stay here. It's a
win-win situation.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Wait, I know what this is about.
You want me to marry you so that
you can have sex again.
                                                            
                       BILL
What are you talking about? Sex?
This has nothing to do with sex.
You know, Consuela, I don't just
have a one track mind. I'm deep.
I care about shit.....and stuff.
                                                            

35.

                       CONSUELA
I'm sure you do, but I'm not an
idiot. I know exactly what kind of
shit and stuff you care about.
                                                            
                       BILL
OK, look Consuela. I didn't want
to say this to you because I'm
kind of shy about this type of
thing. I'm really attracted to
you, and not just in a sexual way.
I mean mostly in a sexual way, but
I also think you are kind of cool.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Save it, Gringo. There's only one
reason I will ever get married,
and that's for love. I'm flattered
that you find me attractive, and
not just in a sexual way, and I
admit that I think you are kind of
attractive, too, in a sex
addicted, beer chuggin frat boy
kind of way. But I don't believe
that you will ever fall in love
with any woman, ever, and if I get
married, it will be to someone who
I love and who loves me.
                                                            
                       BILL
What the fuck is so important
about love anyway?!? Look at what
love has done to the world. Love
is the cause for all the war,
misery, and suffering in the
world. Juliet killed herself for
love. Romeo killed himself for
love. I mean, just look at the guy
from INXS. He loved too much, and
just look how that turned out.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
OK, it's obvious that you know
nothing about love, and I'm just
wasting my breath trying to
explain how important it is. So,
why don't we just end this
conversation here?
                                                            
                       BILL
OK, we can stop here for now, but
I'm not giving up until you're my
wife.
                                                            

36.

                       CONSUELA
Why me? Why not Ashley? or Amber?
or that humpback girl you slept
with the other night?
                                                            
                       BILL
Well Amber is way too much of a
whore to ever settle down and
marry somebody and Slagathor the
humpback has a fucking humpback.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
And Ashley?
                                                            
                       BILL
Well there's no way I could even
kiss Ashley let alone marry her.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Why not? She's cute, and you are
closer to her than I have ever
seen you with any other woman.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, but it's Ashley. It's just
not going to happen. I just don't
think of her in that way. She's
like my sister or something.
besides, you are way hotter.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, thank you for the kind
words. But it's going to take a
lot more than that to marry me.
                                                            
                       BILL
What if I get you some flowers or
a Hallmark card or something?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I'll tell you what. My green card
expires in two weeks. If you can
make me fall in love with you, and
you show me that you actually love
me, then I'll marry you.
                                                            
                       BILL
No shit?!? That's it? All I have
to do is get you to fall in love
with me? This is going to be easy.
                                                            

37.

                       CONSUELA
And you have to show me that you
love me. I mean really love me.
trust me, I will know if you are
lying to me. I'm Hispanic. Oh and
for the record, lying to me is
definitely not going to help your
cause.
                                                            
                       BILL
Our cause, Consuela. Our cause.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Whatever you say, gringo. You have
two weeks. Now, I really need to
get back to cleaning.
                                                            
                       BILL
Alright, so... I guess I will see
you later then.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Mmhmmm. Later doll.
                                                            
( Consuela turns back to the dishwasher and continues to
unload it. Bill starts to run excitedly upstairs to his room
but stops for a few seconds to stare at Consuela's ass
again. End scene with a shot of Consuela laughing in
disbelief to herself. )
                                                            
( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. PREPARATION LEADS TO....REJECTION? - NIGHT
                                                            
( It's early evening and Bill is going through his pre-date
rituals. Bill is wearing a nice button down shirt and a pair
of trendy looking blue jeans. He is smiling and singing to
himself in front the mirror and dancing around. After a
couple of minutes Mike walks in. Mike is wearing a pair of
ragged faded blue jeans with a shirt that says " prose
before hose" and has a picture of William Shakespeare on it.
)
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hey, I know this song and dance.
You're planning on getting some
tonight aren't you?
                                                            
                       BILL
Nope. That would be a violation of
the pinky swear.
                                                            

38.

                       MIKE
Bull shit! I know what's going on
here. You're caving in. I can't
say I blame you. Giving up sex was
an insane idea to begin with. I
would have given up a long time
ago
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm not caving in. I'm not
planning on getting any tonight.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Then what's with the singing into
the mirror and the dancing?
                                                            
                       BILL
Mike, my brother, tonight I am
going out on a date with my future
wife.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Get the fuck out of here! I guess
not having sex does turn you into
a pussy.

So, you go and fall in love with
some random woman and I don't even
get to try and bone her first.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey watch your mouth, sweetheart.
Love has nothing to do with it.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Well that's not what it looks like
from over here.

So who is this mystery succubus
anyway?
                                                            
                       BILL
Consuela.
                                                            
                       MIKE
No shit!?! The cleaning lady?!?
That's the most retarded thing I
have ever heard.
                                                            
                       BILL
No, it's perfect. Her green card
expires in two weeks. I all ready
asked her to marry me and she said
that if I could trick her into
            (MORE)

39.

                       BILL (cont'd)
falling in love with me, and trick
her into thinking I love her, then
she will marry me.

And if I can get her to marry me,
then I can finally have sex with
whoever I want to again. Just like
the old days!
                                                            
                       MIKE
Man you are pure evil.
                                                            
                       BILL
More like pure genius.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Maybe both, but this is the lowest
I have ever seen you sink to get
laid. Except for that one time
when you helped out at the Special
Olympics because you thought that
retard was hot.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, that bitch gave me a rusty
trombone like I never had before.
I was cleaning drool out of my ass
for a week, but it was worth it.
Besides it's not that low. I mean,
it's not like I forced her to get
that abortion.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Dude. Dude. It's one thing to lie
to a girl and tell her you love
her just to have sex with her.
That's really not even wrong. But
you are going to marry a woman,
just to have sex with other women
and maybe her. You are planning on
having sex with her too right?
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh yeah.
                                                            
                       MIKE
OK, good. Because she's got a body
that would make Jesus covet. But
anyway, yeah that's 100% pure
evil. I'm impressed. Maybe even a
little jealous.
                                                            

40.

                       BILL
Well thanks for the compliment...
I think.
                                                            
                       MIKE
No problem. I just hope you don't
think this is going to be easy.
                                                            
                       BILL
It shouldn't be too hard. It's not
like I'm trying to break into
Ft.Knox.
                                                            
                       MIKE
It's the closest you can get to
it, though. Consuela's different
man. To get her you're going to
have to pull out everything in
your bag of tricks.
                                                            
                       BILL
And you know what it takes to get
her, huh?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Not really. She shot me down
before I could even get a date.
Cash, too. And Dad. In fact, just
getting her to go out on a date
with you is further than anyone in
this house has gotten. You're in
uncharted waters. Hope it all
works out for you.
                                                            
( Mike turns and walks out of Bill's room. Bill continues
getting dressed and grooming himself but this time with a
notable absence of singing and dancing. )

( Bill pulls a condom out of his pocket and realizing he is
not going to need it, throws it in a nearby trashcan. )

( The scene ends with the camera following the condom into
the trashcan and a staying on it for a half second. )

(End scene)
                                                            
 
INT. MEANWHILE....ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN - NIGHT
                                                            
( Consuela is getting ready for her date with Bill. She is
smiling and humming to herself while brushing her hair. She
is wearing a pair of blue jeans and a red halter top that
shows off her cleavage. )

41.


( In walks her younger sister Angelica. Angelica is wearing
pajama pants and an over sized t- shirt.)
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
What are you getting all dressed
up for?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I'm not getting dressed up.
                                                            
( Angelica gives Consuela a sarcastic look. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What!? I'm not!
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
OK. If you're not getting dressed
up, then why are you wearing those
jeans that make your ass look
perfect and that top that shows
off your cleavage?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
No reason. I just felt like
wearing this tonight.
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
Uh huh. Who is he?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
He's nobody. It doesn't matter.
Why do you care so much anyway?
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
He's obviously somebody your
embarrassed about or you would
tell me.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
OK, fine. His name is Bill. He's
the son of that guy who's house I
clean.
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
The guy who was a slut but now he
can't have sex because of a pinky
swear?!
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yes. But I'm only doing it because
he basically begged me, and I felt
sorry for him!
                                                            

42.

                       ANGELICA
And that's why you are happy and
bouncing around here in your booty
jeans?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I'm just a happy person. It has
nothing to do with my date
tonight.
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
OK, Consuela. You just keep on
telling yourself that, but I know
a booby top, booty jean
combination when I see it. You
really like this guy.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I do not!! I'm just going out with
him to cheer him up.
                                                            
                       ANGELICA
OK, big sister. You just make sure
you don't let him into your cookie
jar. You know that's all he wants.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Shut up!!!
                                                            
( Consuela playfully throws a hand towel at Angelica as
Angelica walks out of her room. )

( Consuela sits down on the bed and sighs heavily. )

( Scene ends with a fade out )

(End scene)
                                                            
 
INT. A NIGHT OUT AT CASA BONITA - NIGHT
                                                            
( The scene opens with the two of them sitting at a table
while a bunch of screaming kids run by them playing. )
                                                            
                       BILL
I hear the food here's great.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yeah, it looks like a nice place.
                                                            
( Camera briefly shows loud unruly kids playing. )
                                                            

43.

                       BILL
Plus, I love all the single moms.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What?
                                                            
                       BILL
I mean, I admire their ability to
raise a child on their own in
these troubled times.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Good save.
                                                            
                       BILL
I thought so.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, how was your day?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Not too shabby. First, I did your
laundry. Then, I cleaned up your
kitchen after you for some reason
thought that a peanut butter and
mayonnaise milkshake would be
good. And, for the record, you
have to hold the top on the
blender while using it.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, what were you wearing while
covered in peanut butter and
maynaise?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
That's totaly inapropriate.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, yeah. There're kids here.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yeah, the kids. That's why that
question is inapropriate.
                                                            
( Bill says this next statement under his breath. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, that one kind of looks like
me.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What was that?
                                                            

44.

                       BILL
Nothing.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
So, what did you do today, aside
from the milkshake mishap?
                                                            
                       BILL
I laid on the couch. Drank some
beer. Then around 1 p.m. I put my
pants on and checked the mail. Did
you know if I act now I can win a
cruise?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Oh, wow. You better hurry, then.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, I was going to, but Night
Court came on T.V. so I just laid
back down on the couch and drank
some more.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Really? Since when did Night Court
become the porn that I turned off
when you fell asleep on the couch?
                                                            
                       BILL
After about my 11th beer. I almost
finished that 12 pack.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Is that all you plan on doing with
your life, laying on the couch
drinking beer?
                                                            
                       BILL
If all goes as planned.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Wow, that's really sad actually.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, I've never told anybody
about this before but, I've always
wanted to become Robo Cop.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Robo Cop?
                                                            

45.

                       BILL
Yeah, at the Museum for Robotic
Law Enforcement in Theory and
Practice.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Oh....why?
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't know. I just always
thought it would be cool.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, what's stopping you?
                                                            
                       BILL
The guy who plays Robo Cop now
won't leave.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, don't worry, they can't pass
up talent like you for long.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, it won't be long if he gets
that package I sent him.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What did you send him? A bomb?
                                                            
                       BILL
Close. It was a note asking him to
please quit his job so that I
could live my dream as Robo Cop.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Oh... do you think it will work?
                                                            
                       BILL
It should. I did say please.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yeah, that's true. Nobody can say
no if you say please.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, now that you know something
about me I've never told anyone
before, tell me something about
you that nobody else knows.
                                                            

46.

                       CONSUELA
Well, let's see, I didn't care too
much for the show Friends.
                                                            
                       BILL
You didn't? Why not? That show was
hilarious.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Something about preppy white
people always whining about their
lives just didn't thrill me much
                                                            
                       BILL
Well one of them was
Italian-American.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Oh, well I never looked at it like
that before.
                                                            
                       BILL
What do you have against white
people anyway? And why are you
here with me if you don't like
white people?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I don't have a problem with white
people. Just people that whine
about their lives when in all
actuality they could be a lot
worse.
                                                            
                       BILL
That makes sense. I guess they did
kind of have it easy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, I'm ready if you are.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yeah, I need to get home. What
time is it anyway?
                                                            
                       BILL
Time for us to go back to my place
and make love down by the fire.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
You don't even own a fireplace.
                                                            

47.

                       BILL
I could burn some books on the
living room floor.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Please don't. That's just one more
thing you'll have me clean up in
the morning.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm not going to make you clean it
up. My dad's the one who hired
you. He's the one who'll make you
clean it up.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, I'm not going to have sex
with you anyway. I told you Bill.
No sex before marriage, and no
marriage before love.
                                                            
                       BILL
Not even a little?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Nope. You know, not everyone woman
has sex on the first date.
                                                            
                       BILL
The cool ones do.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
You mean the ones with no
self-esteem.
                                                            
                       BILL
No girl has self-esteem when I'm
done with them.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Oh, I'll bet.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, if I can't have sex with you
tonight, can I at least get a
kiss?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
On the first date? Sorry but
that's more like third date
territory.
                                                            

48.

                       BILL
Third date? Man that's harsh.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Maybe. But who knows, you might
find that some things are worth
the wait.
                                                            
                       BILL
I guess we will see.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, I seriously need to get home
so I guess I will see you at your
house.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'll be there with bells on.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
As long as you're wearing pants
I'm happy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, that was never part of the
deal!!!
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Right. Goodnight, Bill. I had a
wonderful time.
                                                            
( Consuela walks out of the restaurant and Bill stands there
for a second. A kid trips in front him and spills some juice
on his crotch. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Thanks, kid. I needed that.
                                                            
( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. SO THIS IS A LIBARY. - DAY
                                                            
( It's the next day and Ashley is sitting at the library
researching something for school. She lifts her head up from
her book and sees Bill looking confused and wandering
around. Ashley is wearing a white button up shirt and a pair
of khaki pants. Bill is wearing pajama pants, a wife beater,
and flip flops.)
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hey! What are you doing here? Are
you lost again?
                                                            

49.

                       BILL
No, I love the libary. In fact, I
used to come here all the time.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Really?
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, I was nailing the libarian.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That's sick. She's a senior
citizen.
                                                            
                       BILL
I drink.... a lot.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Well, maybe you should cut down. I
think they have some books on
that.
                                                            
                       BILL
Maybe I will give them a look some
other time, but right now I'm here
for something different.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
The janitor?
                                                            
                       BILL
No. I'm here for a book on
romance.
                                                            
( Bill holds up a book. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Bill, honey, that's the Kama
Sutra.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, but it's the only one I
could understand.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Maybe you just need some help
finding the right one. Let's go
take a look.
                                                            
( Ashley stands up and the both of them start walking down
the self help aisle searching the books. )
                                                            

50.

                       BILL
Hey, thanks for the help Ash. I
really have no idea which one to
get.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No problem. Although, to be
honest, learning about romance
from a book isn't that great of an
idea. Why are you looking for a
book on romance, anyway?
                                                            
                       BILL
No reason. Just thought I would
find a new book to read. I've
finished reading the last one.
f.y.i., this last one was a
thriller.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Really? What book is this?
                                                            
                       BILL
Playboy, the march issue. It's
about these naked leperchauns.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Hmmm. Sounds artistic, but when
did you start reading self help
books?
                                                            
                       BILL
I like to mix things up.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Wait, this is about Consuela,
isn't it? I meant to ask you how
your date went.
                                                            
                       BILL
I went home, finished my 12 pack,
and watched some Night Court.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Ouch. Sorry to hear that. Will
there be a second date?
                                                            
                       BILL
If she gets that package I sent
her.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
You didn't..
                                                            

51.

( Bill cuts her off in mid sentence. )
                                                            
                       BILL
No. No. I sent her a letter asking
her to please go out with me again
tonight.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Do you think it will work?
                                                            
                       BILL
It should. I said please.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Oh, well, nobody can say no if you
say please.
                                                            
                       BILL
I like the way you think.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
So, what makes you think that self
help books are going to work?
                                                            
                       BILL
I find that my increasing attempts
to be myself only leave me
emotional crippled and that I'm
incredibly shallow and need help.
So, I have no choice but to resort
to other people's opinions due to
the fact that my own attempts have
failed me on numerous
occasions.....plus, I really want
to get laid again.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Your quest is noble and true, my
good knight, but I don't think a
book is going to help you change.
                                                            
                       BILL
It will if it's written by Tony
Robbins.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Probably not.
                                                            
                       BILL
Good, because I really didn't want
read anything if I didn't have to.
                                                            

52.

                       ASHLEY
Are you going to put that other
book back?
                                                            
                       BILL
What? The Kama Sutra? Oh no, this
is the whole reason I started
coming to the libary to begin
with.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Honey, it's pronounced library.
                                                            
                       BILL
Really? I thought the y was
silent.
                                                            
( Ashley shakes her head in a mixture of disbelief and
disappointment. )
                                                            
( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. THANK YOU FOR CALLING J-TECH - DAY
                                                            
( Scene opens with Cash sitting in a cubicle working on a
computer. Everyone, including Cash, is dressed in business
casual attire. )
                                                            
                       A. JOHNSON
Morrison! Did you get those
reports down to Johnson on the
third floor?
                                                            
                       CASH
I was going to sir, but Johnson
came by and said he needed to make
a correction first, and then he
would take it down to Johnson when
he finished.
                                                            
                       A. JOHNSON
I swear, Johnson's career is
hanging by a thread here.
                                                            
                       B.JOHNSON
Sir, Johnson from accounting said
he needs to talk to you about
correcting the error on Johnson's
paycheck.
                                                            

53.

                       A. JOHNSON
Tell Johnson to get Johnson to
help him with that. And will
somebody get me a coffee!
                                                            
                       C.JOHNSON
Here you go, sir.
                                                            
                       A. JOHNSON
Thanks, Johnson. Oh, Johnson, have
you met Johnson yet?
                                                            
                       C.JOHNSON
Oh yeah, actually Johnson
introduced us yesterday.
                                                            
                       A. JOHNSON
Pay attention, Johnson. Johnson
could teach alot.
                                                            
                       B.JOHNSON
Will do sir.
                                                            
                       CASH
Oh sir, I forgot to tell you
earlier but Johnson called and she
needs a confirmation on the
boardroom reservation for this
afternoon at 3.
                                                            
                       A. JOHNSON
Dammit Morrison! It's already 2
o'clock. Why can't you be more
like Johnson and get things to me
on time!?!
                                                            
                       D.JOHNSON
Sir, I need to take the rest of
the day off. My dog is getting
groomed and if I'm even a second
late she will hate me for the rest
of the week.
                                                            
                       A. JOHNSON
Dammit, Johnson! I've had it up to
hear with your incompetence! Your
fired!!
                                                            
( Everybody in the office except for Cash gets up and walks
out. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 

54.

INT. SMOKE BREAK - DAY
                                                            
( Cash is standing in the smoking area of his office
building when he gets a phone call from Mike. )
                                                            
                       CASH
What do you want?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Who shit in your cornflakes?
                                                            
                       CASH
Sorry. Johnson has been riding my
ass all week about finishing these
financial reports. Plus, Johnson
just got fired so I have to do his
workload until somebody new gets
hired.
                                                            
                       MIKE
I got a Johnson you can use.
                                                            
                       CASH
You're an idiot.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Takes one to know one, loser. Why
do you work there anyway? You know
you don't have to.
                                                            
                       CASH
Because, artard, I doubt Mom left
us all that money when she died
just so we could stay home and be
losers.
                                                            
                       MIKE
I'm not an artard. You're an
artard.
                                                            
                       CASH
You're an artard.
                                                            
                       MIKE
You're an artard.
                                                            
                       CASH
Please tell me you have a reason
for calling me while I'm at
work...besides to call me an
artard.
                                                            

55.

                       MIKE
Oh yeah, I just wanted to tell you
that our baby brother is dating
Consuela now.
                                                            
                       CASH
I already know that. I gave him
the idea. look I have to get back
inside before Johnson has an
aneurysm.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh. Well, fine! Artard.
                                                            
( Cash hangs up on Mike and goes back inside. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. WILD HORSES - NIGHT
                                                            
( The scene opens with Bill and Consuela walking at an
amusement park. Bill is wearing a printed t shirt and a pair
of old faded jeans with flip flops. Consuela is wearing a
pair of faded jeans and a white polo shirt with sandals.)
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Thanks for bringing me here. I've
never been to an amusement park
before.
                                                            
                       BILL
Really? Then we've got alot of
ground to cover.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well what do we do first?
                                                            
                       BILL
First we get cotton candy.
                                                            
( They walk to the vendor Bill gets a wheel barrow full of
cotton candy and Consuela has a small stick of cotton candy)
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Do you really need that much?
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't beat around the bush. If you
want some of my cotton candy just
ask.
                                                            

56.

                       CONSUELA
No, I think I'm good.
                                                            
                       BILL
Suit yourself.
                                                            
( Cuts to next shot of Bill pushing an empty wheel barrow
while Consuela has a little bit of cotton candy left on her
stick. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
You're going to be sick after
eating all that cotton candy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh I've only just begun to gorge
myself
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
You're gonna get some more cotton
candy?
                                                            
                       BILL
No that's crazy, I'm gonna go get
a funnel cake. or maybe an
Elephant Ear. Oh! Oh! do you want
a Sausage on a Stick!
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
No, I think I've had enough to
snack on. How can you eat so much
and still stay as slim as you are?
                                                            
                       BILL
I dunno. I guess it's my active
lifestyle.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What active lifestyle? All you do
is sit around drinking beer all
day.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah I know, imagine if I didn't
do that.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Hey what's that?
                                                            
( Consuela points to a game booth. )
                                                            

57.

                       BILL
Oh it's this really cool game. You
throw these balls at these
bottles. And if you knock the
bottles over you get a stuffed
animal.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Awww they're so cute. Go win me a
stuffed animal.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'll try, but you know these games
are rigged. Nobody ever wins.
                                                            
( They both walk up to the booth of the game. The vendor is
dressed like the old game vendors used to be dressed
complete with red vest and straw hat. He has a mustache that
is thin and curls up. )
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
We've got a winner!!!!
                                                            
                       BILL
Except for that guy who is
probably working with that vendor
to trick people into playing.
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
And we've got another winner!!!!
                                                            
                       BILL
And that guy who is probably
another employee who they let win
so that people won't think the
first guy was in on it.
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
And we've got another winner!!!!
                                                            
                       BILL
Goddamn it.
                                                            
( Bill and Consuela walk up to the game. )
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
Alright folks, step right up!
Hello, sir! You wanna try and win
your special girl a stuffed
animal!? Step right up!
                                                            
                       BILL
Just give me the damn ball.
                                                            

58.

                       GAME VENDOR
Alright! Just step right up and
knock down the bottles. Step right
up!
                                                            
                       BILL
Okay, here we go. Hey! Is that a
mutant baby!?!?!
                                                            
( Everybody turns their heads, and Bill throws two balls at
once knocking all the bottles over. )
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
We have a winner!!! Okay, sir.
What will it be?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I want the donkey.
                                                            
                       BILL
The donkey? Why the donkey?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What!?!? It's cute.
                                                            
                       BILL
You hear the lady. She wants the
donkey.
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
The donkey it is, for the young
lady who is obviously attracted to
jackasses!
                                                            
                       BILL
Wait, what was that?
                                                            
                       GAME VENDOR
Okay, folks! Step right up! 3
dollars for 3 balls. Step right
up!
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Hey, I wanna ride that big thing
over there!
                                                            
                       BILL
The ferris wheel?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Yeah, if that's what it's called.
                                                            

59.

                       BILL
Wow, you really are from Mexico!
                                                            
( They get into the basket thing and the ride starts. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Wow, you can see the whole town
from up here.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, it's magnificent, isn't it?
It makes think about the beauty
surrounding us everyday,and how
often we take it for granted.
                                                            
( Bill rests his hand on her knee. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
That's so cheesy it's almost cute.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, I'm like a poet.
                                                            
( Bill slowly moves his hand up her leg and tries to go up
her skirt while singing the cover of Wild Horses by The
Sundays in a horrible falsetto. )
                                                            
                       BILL
And wild horses..... couldn't drag
me away.... and wild wild horses.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
What the hell are you doing?
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, I'm sorry. It just felt like
the right thing to do.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
It's never the right thing to do.
No matter how bad of a falsetto
you sing in.
                                                            
                       BILL
Baby, there was nothing falsetto
about it.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I think it's time for me to go
home.
                                                            

60.

                       BILL
What!?! Look I said I'm sorry. You
can't tell me you weren't feeling
the mood.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Close, but no gordita.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, you still have another
minute and a half until the ride
stops, and there's no point in
spending it pissed off at me.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I'm not pissed off at you, but how
about for the rest of this ride we
have Roberto sit between us.
                                                            
                       BILL
Why did you name your donkey
Roberto?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.
They are both jackasses.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah. Wild Horses isn't sounding
like such a bad song after all.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Not really. I just think we should
listen to it on another day, and
in a more private setting.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sounds like a plan. When do you
want to do it?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
We'll see. You haven't won me over
completely, yet.
                                                            
( The ride stops, and the camera is looking down and from
behind them. The camera pulls away. The next shot is a cut
to Bill walking Consuela to her door. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Well, I had fun tonight.
                                                            

61.

                       BILL
Yeah. Me, too. So, are we on for
the bar tomorrow night?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Of course. Well I should go in.
                                                            
( Bill leans in for a kiss, and she gives him a hug. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Okay. Well, I'm going to go take a
cold shower and watch some Night
Court. I'll pick you up tomorrow
night around eight.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Sounds great. Goodnight, white
boy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Goodnight, Consuela.
                                                            
( The scene ends with Bill driving away from her house. )

( End scene. )
                                                            
 
INT. DOES NOBODY CARE? - NIGHT
                                                            
( The scene starts with the camera focusing on the
television screen in Bill's living room. Mike is sitting on
the couch watching an old kung fu film. Dad walks in the
room from the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey and a shot
glass. Mike is in a karate outfit. Dad is wearing an old
grungy t-shirt and a pair of old jeans. ) )
                                                            
                       DAD
What the hell is this?
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
I'm not sure. It was on the Asian
network when I was channel
surfing.
                                                            
                       DAD
Is it any good?
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            

62.

                       MIKE
So far It's been pretty awesome.
Lots of high pitched screaming and
kicking.
                                                            
                       DAD
What's it about?
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Well, I don't speak Japanese but
from the looks of it, that guy
there stole that other guys
blender, and now they have to
fight for the love of that girl
over there and, of course, the
ownership of the blender.
                                                            
                       DAD
Oh, that old gem. Man, I do love
the classics.
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            
                       DAD
Hey, where's Bill at? I haven't
seen him all day.
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh, I'm glad you asked. Believe it
or not, he's out on a date with
Consuela.
                                                            
                       DAD
Really? Well, alright then. Good
for him.
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
That's it?!? You don't find that
funny?
                                                            
                       DAD
Should I?
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot. )
                                                            

63.

                       MIKE
How can you not at least be
amused? I mean this is huge! Bill
is actually on a date, and I mean
a real date with our house keeper!
                                                            
                       DAD
I guess I just don't really care
about gossip. Gossip is for high
school girls, and I'm a man. A man
damnit!!!
                                                            
( Dad takes a shot, and then passes out instantly. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Does nobody care!?!?!?
                                                            
( Bill walks through the front door as Mike is screaming. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Care about what?
                                                            
                       MIKE
About global warming.
                                                            
                       BILL
Since when did you start caring
about the earth?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I've always cared about earth.
Without earth, we would all be
dead.
                                                            
                       BILL
Wow, you're deep.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, I know. So, how did your
date go?
                                                            
                       BILL
It was awesome right up until we
got on the ferris wheel.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What happened? Did you barf?
                                                            
                       BILL
Nope. Worse.
                                                            

64.

                       MIKE
Wow, what be could worse than....
wait, no... you didn't... tell me
you didn't...
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, it worked on the movie Fear.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, but that was Alicia
Silverstone. I'm sure she gets
fingered at amusement parks all
the time.
                                                            
                       BILL
Actually, that was Reese
Witherspoon, but whatever happened
to Alicia Silverstone?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I think I saw her working at that
Denny's near the airport.
                                                            
                       BILL
Times must be tough for her.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh, I'll bet. With the economy in
the shape it is, and all the out
sourcing going out to the foreign
markets, who isn't struggling?
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah, and with the gas prices
climbing and inflation on the
rise, pretty soon everybody will
have to get jobs at Denny's just
to survive.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, I know. I know.
                                                            
                       BILL
What are you watching?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Some kung fu flick on the Asian
network.
                                                            
                       BILL
Is this the one about the blender?
                                                            

65.

                       MIKE
Yeah, I think.
                                                            
                       BILL
Man, what a classic.
                                                            
                       MIKE
So, you actually tried to finger
bang her on a ferris wheel? Man
don't you know that will only work
if that song Wild Horses is
playing somewhere in the
background.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, it kind of was.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What? Did you bring a radio?
                                                            
                       BILL
No, I just sort of sang it while
trying.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Ha ha ha ha ha!! You are such a
dumbass!
                                                            
                       BILL
Dude. okay. Okay, dude. Dude.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh no. I'm never forgetting this.
I'm telling everybody about this.
                                                            
                       BILL
You do that. I'm going to bed.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha. Okay.
                                                            
( Bill walks towards the stairs to head to his room, and
Mike sits back down on the couch still laughing. Scene ends
with a shot of the kung fu movie on the T.V. screen. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 

66.

INT. MIKE LOVES THE HUMPBACKS. - DAY
                                                            
( Mike is sitting around watching actual Night Court and
hears a knock at the door. He slowly gets up and answers
the door to find Erica. Mike is wearing a black judges robe.
Erica is dressed in business casual attire.)
                                                            
                       MIKE
Whoa!!! What's up, woss..I mean,
Kim's friend?
                                                            
                       ERICA
My name's Erica. Is Bill here?
                                                            
                       MIKE
No. He's gone. Wasn't your hump
on the right the last time we met?
Nevermind.
                                                            
                       ERICA
Well, could you tell him I stopped
by? It's weird. Ever since that
night I spent with him, I can't
stop thinking about him.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Neither can I.
                                                            
( Mike tries to close the door but Erica stops him and keeps
talking )
                                                            
                       ERICA
I've never met anyone as honest
and free-spirited as he is. He's
so unashamed of who he is.
Everyone else is always so nice to
me because of my condition. He's
the only person that's ever
treated me like a human being.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yep. That's my brother all over.
A real hoot. Listen, I'm trying
to watch TV right now, and you
seem to be crutching all over my
feet. So, I'm going to close the
door right now and walk away
before I catch whatever it is that
you seem to be carrying around in
that hump on your back. Later.
                                                            
( Erica stops Mike from closing the door again )
                                                            

67.

( Erica stands up as straight as possible with a sexy look
on her face )
                                                            
                       ERICA
Hey. You need somebody to watch
TV with?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I hope you like Night Court!!!
                                                            
                       ERICA
You kidding me? Who doesn't?
                                                            
( Scene jumps to 5 minutes later, and the camera is focused
on the T.V. screen where night court is on. It stays on the
screen as you hear screaming of the sexual nature in the
background. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh, yeah!! You like it when I
spank your hump, don't you? You're
dirty little wossum, aren't you?
                                                            
                       ERICA
Oh, yeah. That's it, baby! Spank
my hump! My hump! My hump! My
lovely lady lump!!!!!
                                                            
( While the camera is still focused on the T.V. a shirt
lands on top of the T.V. covering the screen. The camera
pans up to the picture of Ted Danson as Sam Malone from
cheers smiling instead of the serious look on his face as it
was earlier in the movie during Dad's rant. )

(End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. EXIT CONSUELA, ENTER BELIGERENT ETHNICITY - NIGHT
                                                            
( Bill meets Consuela who is already at the bar drinking.
Bill is wearing a nice button up shirt with a pair of jeans.
Consuela is wearing a tight fitting t-shirt and a pair of
tight jeans. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Good news, everybody! You are all
looking at the new Robo Cop in the
Museum of Robotic Law Enforcement
in Theory and Practice!! Who wants
to touch me!?!?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Great!!! Buy me a shot of tequila.
                                                            

68.

                       BILL
Yeah!! Let's get you drunk so we
can really get this party started!

Hey, barkeep! Let's get some
tequila shots over here and
keep'em coming!
                                                            
( The bartender pours two shots of tequila and Consuela
slams her shot while Bill is still holding his up preparing
for a toast. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, you're an eager beaver! You
gonna wait for the toast next
time?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Maybe you should toast quicker.
                                                            
( Bill slams his shot. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, barkeep! Two more!
                                                            
( The bartender pours two more shots. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Okay, so what do we toast to?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
How about to the new Robo Cop?
                                                            
                       BILL
Sounds great! To the sexiest Robo
Cop to walk the earth!
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Cheers!
                                                            
( They both touch shot glasses and take a shot. Cash and
Lauren walk up. Cash is wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Lauren
is wearing a button up and khaki pants. )
                                                            
                       CASH
Hey, I thought I heard a drunken
relative across the bar!
                                                            
                       BILL
You mean the drunkest relative!
                                                            

69.

                       CASH
I wasn't going to state the
obvious. So, what are we drinking
to?
                                                            
                       BILL
To the newest Robo Cop!
                                                            
                       LAUREN
Oh, so he finally died! Congrats!
When do you start?
                                                            
                       BILL
Monday! And you know what else? I
get to take the uniform home with
me every night.
                                                            
                       CASH
I'm sure that will come in handy.
Hey, Consuela, how've you been?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Busy. you never realize how much
shit you have until you have to
pack it.
                                                            
                       LAUREN
Yeah, I know what you mean. The
last time I had to move I ended up
giving a bunch of stuff away
because I ran out of room in my
car.
                                                            
                       BILL
Why not take two trips?
                                                            
                       LAUREN
And walk up those stairs again? I
don't think so.
                                                            
( Mike and Erica walk into the bar. They are both wearing
the same thing they wore when they hooked up earlier that
day, only everything is tattered and Erica's hair is messed
up. they both look like they have been having crazy sex all
day.)
                                                            
                       MIKE
Good news, everybody!!! I'm
engaged!!
                                                            
                       CASH
No shit!?!? To who?
                                                            

70.

                       MIKE
To this curvaceous beauty, and I
do mean curvaceous.
                                                            
( Mike points to Erica. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Slagathor? No shit!? Well, looks
like this day couldn't get any
better!
                                                            
( Everyone looks at Consuela who has a less than concerned
expression )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (somewhat
       sarcastically)
Let's hear it for the day...
                                                            
( Consuela slams a shot of tequila. )
                                                            
( Later that night everyone is sitting at a table. )
                                                            
( Mike is trying to build a castle out of coasters. )
                                                            
                       ERICA
Awww!! Isn't he just the cutest
thing ever?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (under her breath)
Como un burro muriendo con
lepra...
                                                            
( Consuela slams her drink down and ruins Mike's castle. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (sadly)
Now what will the peanut king
reign over?
                                                            
( Erica rubs his back with her crutches to console him. )
                                                            
                       CASH
Who wants a shot?
                                                            
                       BILL
I won't drink it unless it has a
sexy name.
                                                            
                       CASH
Right. Six la petit mortes.
                                                            

71.

( Cash walks away. )
                                                            
                       BILL
The French sure do take language
to a new level.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (drunkenly)
You take language to a new level.
                                                            
                       MIKE
What's wrong with you tonight? You
haven't been yourself at all.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah. You should be
celebrating!!! Cash and Lauren
are still doing it, Mike and Erica
are engaged and also in a
blossoming new relationship, I got
the dream job I've always wanted,
and I haven't tried to touch you
inappropriately in fifteen
minutes. A new record I might
add.
                                                            
( Mike, Erica, and Lauren, all start clapping for Bill. )
                                                            
                       BILL
So, turn that frown upside down.
Today is a beautiful day.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (Rosie Perez voice)
Oh no, you didn't, little white
boy. I'm going back to Mexico in
a few days and all you can think
about is your little Robopolice
thing. The worst part is that all
the while I find myself falling
for you for no reason and you
can't so much as say anything nice
to me that doesn't involve
boobies.
                                                            
( Bill chuckles a little but stifles it. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (Rosie Perez voice)
You see, that's what I'm talking
about.
                                                            
( Cash walks up with six shots. )
                                                            

72.

                       CASH
So, what should we toast to?
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
      (Rosie Perez voice)
How about to finding yourself a
new housekeeper. I'm leaving to
Mexico in the morning.
                                                            
( Consuela walks out. )
                                                            
( Ashley walks up to the table. )
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
There you guys are. You won't
believe it. I heard the most
unbelievable impression of Rosie
Perez just now.
                                                            
( Mike snaps his fingers. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Rosie Perez!!! That's what I was
looking for.
                                                            
( Bill looks solemn and holds his head in his hands as
everyone else toasts. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. DANCES WITH MIKE? - DAY
                                                            
( Mike is at the house alone and dancing in a funny manner
to Blue Monday as performed by Orgy. Mike is wearing pajama
pants and a white t-shirt. Bill walks in and joins him
without missing a beat. He is wearing a flannel shirt and
jeans. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hey, there you are!! For a second
I thought you were going to miss
our weekly dance session! Where
you been?
                                                            
                       BILL
I went for a walk to clear my
head.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Clear your head of what!?
                                                            

73.

                       BILL
Just thinking about Consuela!
                                                            
( The song changes from Blue Monday by Orgy to Unbreak My
Heart by Toni Braxton.

Mike and Bill stop dancing and look at each other. They
shrug their shoulders and embrace each other. They start to
slow dance, and Bill rests his head on Mike's shoulder. )
                                                            
                       MIKE
Man, I've never seen you so mental
over a girl before! Are you
turning gay on me?
                                                            
                       BILL
No man, I just kind of miss her. I
think she might be the one. Why is
it that I have to fall for the one
Mexican who doesn't want to stay
in America illegaly?
                                                            
                       MIKE
That's a good question.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, what am i supposed to do?
How am I supposed to get laid?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Well, you can always break your
pinky swear with Ashley, but that
would make you a complete asshole.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah. I could never do that to
Ashley.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Or you could always go after
Consuela.
                                                            
                       BILL
What? Go to Mexico?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah. Why not? Spin.
                                                            
( Mike lifts Bill's right hand and spins him around. Mike
pulls Bill back close to him. )
                                                            

74.

                       BILL
Because it's in Mexico and I start
my job in the morning.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Call in sick.
                                                            
                       BILL
The duty of Robo Cop is one I do
not take lightly. The criminal
museum doesn't take sick days and
neither does the Robotic Law
Museum.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Well, you have to ask yourself
what's more important: being Robo
Cop, or being with your true love.
You can't have your cake and eat
it, too.
                                                            
                       BILL
What is that saying supposed to
mean, anyway. I mean, why can't
you have cake and eat it as well?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah. You're right. That
expression makes no sense
whatsoever. I mean, you're the one
who is having cake, wouldn't that
sort of imply that you would eat
said cake.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah. I mean that's as stupid as
when people say that's the way the
cookie crumbles. I mean it makes
sense, sort of, but who the hell
crumbles cookies in the first
place.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Kids with down syndrome, I
suppose. But look, that's not the
point. The point is, that
sometimes you have to make
sacrifices to be with the one you
love. Take me for instance. I
found true love with Slagathor.
                                                            
                       BILL
You mean Erica.
                                                            

75.

                       MIKE
Slagathor is just a pet name I
call her. Anyway, I had to
sacrifice my own sense of
aesthetics to be with her.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, what your saying is, I have to
choose between Robo Cop and
Consuela?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Pretty much.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, that fucking sucks.
                                                            
( The song changes from Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton to
the Blue Man Group. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Is this the Blue Man Group?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, you like?
                                                            
                       BILL
No. No, I do not like.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Too bad, because I'm not changing
it.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't worry, I'm leaving anyway.
I've gotta go get some metal
polish for my Robo Cop outfit.
                                                            
( Bill walks to the front door and then stops and turns back
to Mike. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, Mike. Thanks. Thanks.
                                                            
                       MIKE
No problem. Oh, Bill. Good luck.
Good luck.
                                                            
( Bill turns and walks out of the door. Mike continues to do
a funny dance. Scene ends with a fade out. )

( End scene. )
                                                            
 

76.

INT. ROBO COP VS. ED-209 - DAY
                                                            
( Bill is standing in his display wearing the Robo Cop
outfit. A small group of high school girls from St. Teresa's
all girl catholic school is walking towards his exhibit. )
                                                            
( Bill begins to mutter under his breath as they walk up. )
                                                            
                       BILL
I'd do her. Her. Her. She's
chubby, but I'd do her. And her.
Not her.
                                                            
( Bill starts to speak in his best Robo Cop impersonation. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Greetings, citizens. Welcome to
the celebrity wing of the Museum
of Robotic Law Enforcement in
Theory and Practice. I am Robo
Cop. You may remember me from the
movie Robo Cop, and Robo Cop Two.
                                                            
( The girls laugh to themselves and start to walk away while
making jokes about Robo Cop and how lame Robo Cop is. )

( Bill stops talking and is standing there with a depressed
look on his face. )
                                                            
                       ED-209
Don't let them get to you. They're
all just a bunch of stuck up
lesbians.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, they don't bother me. They are
one step from the local free
clinic anyway.
                                                            
                       ED-209
Then, why the long face? It's your
first day and you play the hero.
You should be excited.
                                                            
                       BILL
I am. I am. I just have something
on my mind is all.
                                                            
                       ED-209
Well, you better not let it affect
your work. I take my job very
seriously and I expect the same
from my co-workers.
                                                            

77.

                       BILL
Don't worry. It won't affect my
work. I mean, this has been a
dream of mine for so long.
                                                            
( Bill stands there quietly staring at the floor. ED-209 is
standing across from him practicing poses in the reflection
from a window beside him. )
                                                            
                       BILL
So, what time do we get a break?
                                                            
( ED-209 replies while still posing. )
                                                            
                       ED-209
What break? The museum of crime
doesn't take breaks, so neither
can we. The second we let our
guard down, they will be waiting
to cause mayhem and disorder.
                                                            
                       BILL
Wow. I had no idea.
                                                            
                       ED-209
Believe it. The job of robotic law
enforcement is a dirty one, but I
wouldn't have it any other way.
                                                            
( Bill stands there silently for a minute or so, and then,
without any warning, he starts to step out of his display
and head towards the exit. )

( ED-209 dashes from his exhibit to step in front of Bill. )
                                                            
                       ED-209
Halt. You must finish your shift.
                                                            
                       BILL
Dude, I wish I could, but you see,
there's a girl in Mexico that i am
in love with. I have to go after
her.
                                                            
                       ED-209
Answer does not compute. Halt. You
must finish your shift. This is
your second warning. Lethal force
is possible.
                                                            
                       BILL
No. I don't think you understand.
how much I have dreamt about being
Robo Cop. I will not be happy
            (MORE)

78.

                       BILL (cont'd)
without my true love Consuela. So,
I have to go.
                                                            
                       ED-209
Halt. You must finish your shift.
This is your third warning.
Failure to comply will result in
lethal force.
                                                            
                       BILL
I can't, guy. I love her more than
i love being Robo Cop.
                                                            
                       ED-209
Halt. You must finish your shift.
This is your fourth and final
warning. Lethal force is imminent.
                                                            
                       BILL
Look. ED-209. What are you not
understanding here? I have to go.
Don't you understand what love is?
                                                            
                       ED-209
Answer does not compute. Halt.
Place your hands on your head and
turn around. You are under arrest.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, what!? You wanna go, robot?
I'll make you wish you had never
been welded.
                                                            
( ED-209 starts firing lasers at Bill. )

( Bill dives to his right and hides behind a fake rock. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, what the fuck!! That thing
fires real lasers!?!?
                                                            
( ED-209 fires his laser at the fake rock and completely
destroys it. )

( Bill dives behind another fake rock and pulls his laser
pistol from his gun belt. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Ok, big man!! I think it's time
you felt the wrath of my robo gun.
                                                            

79.

( Bill leaps out from behind the fake rock and fires a
single laser shot to the head of ED-209. )

( Sparks emit from ED-209, and he falls on his back. )
                                                            
                       ED-209
Error! Error! Answer does not
compute!
                                                            
( The camera is looking up from the point of view of ED-209.
)

( Bill walks up to the fallen ED-209 and stands over it's
chest. He fires one more shot at point blank into ED-209's
head, silencing it's cries. )

( The scene ends with the camera going dark quickly, as Bill
fires the last shot into ED-209. )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. LIFE IS A MEXICAN HIGHWAY. - NIGHT
                                                            
( The scene starts with a close shot of Bill still in his
Robo Cop uniform behind the wheel. The only thing showing in
this shot is the steering wheel and Bill. Everything else is
blacked out. )

( Brick by Ben Folds Five is playing during this entire
scene. )

( The camera takes a shot of a sign that says " Mexico-75
miles." )

( The camera takes a quick shot of Bill and then a shot of a
sign that says "Mexico-25 miles" )

( The camera takes a quick shot of Bill and then a shot of a
sign that says "Mexico-50 miles" )
                                                            
                       BILL
Son of a bitch!!!!!!
                                                            
( The camera cuts to a shot of the car doing an aggressive
u-turn. )

( The camera takes a quick shot of bill and then a shot of a
sign that says "Mexico-25 miles" )

( Bill pulls over at the sign and gets out of his car to
urinate on the side of the road. )


80.

( The music stops playing while he is outside of the car
urinating. )

( Bill gets back into the car and the music picks up exactly
where it left off. )

( The camera takes a quick shot of Bill and then takes a
shot of a sign that says "Welcome to the Mexico" )

( Bill drives through the border patrol check point and the
music instantly changes to the Mexican hat dance. )

( Bill stops his car and puts it in reverse. As he backs
over to the United States side, the music changes back to
Ben Folds Five. He pulls forward just enough to be back on
the Mexican side, and the music changes back to the Mexican
hat dance. )
                                                            
                       BILL
Hmmm. That's interesting.
                                                            
( Bill shrugs his shoulders and continues on. )

( The camera cuts to a shot of the car driving further into
Mexico as the camera pulls up and tilts. )

( Crane shot )

( The scene ends with the camera pulling all the way up
until it is pointing at the stars in the night sky. )

( Fade out )

( End scene )
                                                            
 
INT. A ROBO OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN - DAY
                                                            
( The scene opens with Consuela sitting at a cubicle
working. Everyone is dressed in business casual attire. )
                                                            
                       A. DIAZ
Gonzales! Le hizo baja esos
informes al johnson en el tercer
piso.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Iba a señor, pero diaz vino por y
dijo que él necesitaba hacer una
corrección primero, y entonces él
lo bajaría al Diaz cuando él
terminó.
                                                            

81.

                       A. DIAZ
Juro, la carrera de Diaz pende de
un hilo aquí.
                                                            
                       B. DIAZ
Señor, Diaz de la contabilidad
dijo que él necesita hablar con
usted acerca de corregir el error
en el cheque de pago de Diaz.
                                                            
                       A. DIAZ
¡Diga Diaz para conseguir Diaz
para ayudarlo con eso. Y hacer
alguien me consigue un café!
                                                            
                       C. DIAZ

Aquí usted va señor.
                                                            
                       A. DIAZ
¿Da las gracias Diaz. Ah Diaz, ha
encontrado usted diaz todavía?
                                                            
                       C. DIAZ
Ah sí, realmente Diaz nos
introdujo ayer.
                                                            
                       A. DIAZ
Atienda diaz. Diaz podría enseñar
alot.
                                                            
                       B. DIAZ


Hará señor.
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
Ah señor, yo me olvidé de decirle
más temprano pero Diaz llamó y
ella necesita un comfirmation en
la reservación de sala de juntas
para esta tarde en 3.
                                                            
                       A. DIAZ
¡Gonzales de damnit! Lo es ya 2
o'clock. Por qué puede ser no
usted más como Diaz y consigue las
cosas a mí a la hora!?!
                                                            
                       D. DIAZ
Señor, necesito tomar el resto del
día libre. Mi perro es arreglado y
si soy aún un segundo tarde ella
            (MORE)

82.

                       D. DIAZ (cont'd)
me odiará para el resto de la
semana.
                                                            
                       A. DIAZ
¡Diaz de damnit! Yo lo he tenido
arriba oír con su incompetencia!
Su despedido!!
                                                            
( Everybody in the office except for Consuela starts to get
up and walk out as Bill steps off of the elevator still
dressed in his Robo Cop uniform )

( Cue the song Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong. )

( Everybody stops walking out and stares at Bill as he walks
into the office searching every cubicle. )
                                                            
                       C. DIAZ
¡Mi dios!! Lo es el diablo!!
                                                            
( Consuela stands up and makes eye contact with Bill. )
                                                            
( Bill walks over to her and lifts her up in his arms. )
                                                            
                       CONSUELA
I can't believe you came here for
me.
                                                            
                       BILL
For you, babe, I would go to hell
and back.
                                                            
( He starts to carry her out of the office as everyone claps
and cheers. )

( A few people start to fire pistols into the air. )

( Bill walks into the elevator with Consuela in his arms. )

( The scene ends with a shot of the elevator doors closing.
)

( End scene )
                                                            
( end film. )
                                                            


THE END


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