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Love In South Logan
by Bill Held and Steven Benge (heldbill@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

An off-beat romantic comedy.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



( The film starts with an establishing shot of the inside of
house that Bill, Mike and their father live in. )

( Cash is on the phone wrapping up a conversation. Bill and
Mike are playing each other in rock'em sock'em robots. )

( Cash is wearing a nice, casual button down shirt, with a
pair of dark blue jeans. Mike is wearing a blue shirt and it
has "Rock'em Sock'em Robots" as a logo across the front of
it. He is also wearing a pair of light blue jeans. Bill is
wearing a navy blue t-shirt with the word "beer" written
across the front and a pair of cargo pants. )

( Cash hangs up the phone. )
Good news, everybody. Lauren and
Kim are coming over, and Kim's
bringing her sister.
Kim?.. Is that the one chick that
I did the thing with at the place
that had the guy with the funny
That'd be the one.
This sister: age range,
approximate cup size, and degree
of hotness.
( Bill snaps finger and points at Cash. )
And go!
Legal. Don't know. And does it


( Bill sprays body spray inside his pants down into his
crotch. )
( The doorbell rings at that moment, and Cash answers the
door. )
Hey. C'mon in.
( Lauren, Kim, and Erica walk in. )

( Lauren is wearing a tight Rollings Stones Forty Licks tour
shirt with a pair of tight blue jeans. Kim is wearing a
pair of khaki shorts and a black spaghetti strap top. Erica
is wearing light blue shirt with thin pink vertical stripes
and a pair of tight blue jeans. Erica has a humpback. )
Can I offer you ladies a delicious
cold beverage?
Vodka perhaps?
I don't know if I should. Every
time I drink I just
get the urge to get naked, but
then again, who doesn't?
( Bill runs from the refrigerator trips and falls, and gets
back up in a panic to give Lauren the beer. )
Yeah, I know what you mean. Every
time I drink I pretty
much end up sleeping with the
first guy in sight. Even if
it's just one beer.
( Bill violently rips the beer out of Lauren's hand and
it to Kim. )

( Cash hands Lauren a beer. )

( Bill turns to Erica whose hump is on her left side. )


Can I get you...Holy goat fuck,
batman!!! Who invited
the chud?
Cannibalistic humanoid underground
dweller, but
that's not the point.
( Bill snaps fingers at Cash and Mike. )
Conference. Kitchen. Now!!!
( Bill storms into the kitchen followed by Cash and Mike who
are trying to stifle their laughter. )
What's the problem, man?
I get Kim, right? 'Cuz there's no
way I'm fucking
Crippley McGee. It's just not
going to happen...without a
Relax, guy. Kim's with me.
This is bullshit. I didn't sign up
to coach the
Special Olympics team. How about
I fuck Kim, and you fuck
No way. We have history. Sensual
Fuck history. I'm not sticking my
dick in half-wombat half-possum
( Mike scratches chin and looks up quizzically. )


I hate you.
Look. How about you just give her
a chance. Who knows? Maybe you
two will hit it off.
And maybe I'll catch rabies.
Come on. Take one for the team.
Fine, but I want to go on record
saying that I'm totally opposed to
( Bill gulps a bottle of vodka and time lapse to Bill and
Erica alone, sitting in the living room. Very awkward
silence and sounds of Mike and Kim having sex in Mike's
bedroom and the noticeable absence of Cash and Lauren. )
So, Wossum..what do you do?
I'm sorry. Wossum?
What? Oh, don't worry about it.
I'm a chiropractor, and in my
spare time I work with blind
Chiropractor, huh? Why haven't
you cured yourself? Answer that
Joke if you want but I love my
job, and I'm comfortable with who
I am.
( awkward silence )


So, we gonna do this or not?
( Bill stands up and drops his pants. )

( End scene )
( Cash is watching TV in the living room. Mike is in the
kitchen )

( Bill walks in the kitchen and grabs a beer out of the
fridge. )

( Cash is wearing a flannel shirt with a # 7 on the back of
it, and a pair of blue jeans. Mike is wearing a t-shirt
that says "nobody has wood like lumberjacks" and a pair of
blue jeans. Bill is wearing a flannel shirt that is
unbuttoned with a plain white t-shirt under it, and a pair
of blue jeans. )
So, how was your night?
I hate you.
I heard some noises from your room
last night.
Don't wanna talk about it.
Come on...
Come on...
Come on...


Alright, I slipped the disk! I
rode splash mountain! What do you
want from me?!
So, how was it?
Like school in the summertime.
( Bill walks into living room and sits next to Cash watching
the pregame show to the lumberjack championship on TV. )
So, did you make sweet love down
by the fire?
No, but I fixed her back, and if
it makes you feel better, when she
got naked she looked like a
Picasso painting of a turtle.
( doorbell rings )
( Bill sighs and then gets up and answers the door. )
( Ashley is at the door and she is wearing a polo shirt and
a pair of jeans. )
My computer is acting up. I need
to use yours.
Alright, come in.
Hey, Bill. Erica called. She
wants her crutches back.


Don't worry about it.
You're not going to tell her?
Tell me what?
Nothing. Don't worry about it.
Just tell me. You know I won't
judge you.
I fucked a crippled chick last
( Ashley laughs and hangs her head in shame. )
You're incorrigible.
Shut up.
( Bill playfully pushes her, and they begin to walk upstairs
to his room together while talking. )
Did you at least use protection?
No, but she called out to god a
lot, and I assume that counts for
You're going to get somebody
pregnant if you're not careful.
Take your curses elsewhere, gypsy.
You're so special.


( Ashley pats Bill on his head)

( Ashley gets on the computer and porn instantly pops up.
Porn screams are heard. Ashley sighs and closes the window
without reacting. Bill lays on his bed and takes a nap while
watching the pregame show for the lumberjack championships
while drinking his beer.)

( time lapse to half an hour later )
( Bill's dad walks into the room, and wakes him by throwing
a unopened can of beer at his crotch. )

( Bill's dad is wearing a flannel t-shirt with "I'm a
lumberjack and I'm okay" written on the front, and a pair of
blue jeans. )
Get up, artard. The game's on.
I'm not an artard. You're an
You're an artard.
Boys, please. If you're going to
be artards, take it downstairs.
( Bill and his dad at the same time to Ashley, "You're an
artard." )
( Ashley rolls her eyes and Bill and his dad go downstairs.
A bunch of guy friends are downstairs watching lumberjack
competitions. )
( Doorbell rings; mike answers door and it is Amber on the
other side. Amber is wearing a red bikini top and a pair of
tight blue jeans. )
Amber!!! This is a surprise. A
sensual surprise. Last time I saw
you, I was in you. How's your ear
Better. Is Bill around?
Why? Did Bill win the raffle?


Something like that...
Bill, it's for you. I hope you
kept the receipt.
( Bill walks over from behind the couch where he was
standing to the front door. )
Amber. You're looking as slutty
as ever. How ya been?
I know, isn't it cute. I love how
these pants say, "I'm here for
business", but the bikini top
says, "I can be playful, too."
Anyway, I need your blood.
My blood?
Yes, your blood.
I like where this is going, but
I’m pregnant, and I think it’s
Pregnant?! You told me that you
were on the shot.
I am. For rabies.
I thought you said babies.
Well, you heard wrong. Give me
your blood.
What do you need the blood for?


Paternity test.
What if I refuse?
Have you ever refused me before?
Once, but that was because I
passed out.
Actually, you weren't passed out
enough. What's that behind
( Amber points behind him, and when he turns his head, she
stabs him with the needle and draws a blood sample. )
What the hell, crazy lady?
I always get my way. I'll let you
know how everything turns out.
( Amber turns and walks away, and Bill walks back inside
stunned. )
Who shit in your cornflakes?
Amber shit in my cornflakes...
That is her specialty.
No. No. Amber is pregnant, and
it might be mine.
Holy shit, everybody. Bill got
Amber pregnant.
Amber?!? I remember her. That's
the chick that gargles. She goes
for blood and semen!


                       GUY #1
Talk about loose. Did I ever tell
you guys about that time I almost
drowned. Good thing that midget
was there.
                       GUY #2
It smelled worse than anthrax, and
I could've sworn it spoke.
Consuela just got that smell out
of my bed sheets.
She makes me think of that band
Journey. Don't stop believin',
I hate you.
( Bill trudges upstairs and plops down on his bed. )
What happened? Did the Brawny guy
Remember Amber?
Yeah. I still can't believe you
even stooped that low. Shame on
Hey, everybody was doing it.
And if everyone jumped off a
bridge would you do that too?
If everyone was jumping off a
bridge and landing on amber's
amazingly soft knockers, then,
Well, I guess you got me there.
So, why are you moping around?


Yeah, well, I might have gotten
her pregnant.
You moron. That's why you're
supposed to use protection.
Especially with someone like
Amber. That's what you get for
not listening to me.
Can't you be supportive in my time
of need?
You did this to yourself. You
know that, right?
Well, you're a mega-slut. She's a
mega-slut. As far as I'm
concerned, you should've seen this
I’m not a mega-slut.
Yes, you are. You're an arrogant
and pretentious little man whore.
You're worse than Hugh Grant.
That hurts. I show none of those
qualities. That's my dad you're
thinking about.
That not withstanding, you can't
hide from what you are.
What do you mean?


You only care about two things:
sex and yourself. And i'm sure
you could add a third thing and
say sex with yourself.
I'm not that selfish.
Yes, you are. It's like the world
revolves around Bill. It's always
about Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.
Bill Bill banana fanna fo fill, mi
my mo mill, Bill!
What the hell was that?
I don’t know, It just felt right.
OK. Well, whatever, the world
doesn't revolve around me.
( Consuela walks into the room with a laundry basket and
starts picking up bill's dirty clothes along with a couple
of random bras. )
( Consuela is wearing a pair of old jeans and a loose
t-shirt with a picture of Menudo on it. )
Sure it does. Just ask Consuela.
Ask me what?
Am I arrogant?
Yeah, pretty much. It's always
about Bill. Bill. Bill. Bill.
Bill Bill banana fana fo fill me
my mo mill, Bill!


Thank you, Consuela.
De nada, Ashley.
( Consuela walks out of the room with the laundry basket. )
( Ashley turns back to Bill. )
I can't think of one time, in all
the years that I have known you,
where you weren't a giant mega
whore who was full of himself.
There was that one time I helped
you out at that bake sale for your
Yeah, and you hit on mother
Hey, she had it coming the way she
was flaunting her ruler around
like she owned the place. She
wanted it bad, and she didn't care
how she got it.
Face it, Bill. You can't go
without sleeping with random
women. You don't respect women,
and you have commitment issues.
Probably because you grew up
without a mother in the house, but
that's none of my business.
Besides, I like you just the way
you are.
Well, how about this? I promise
that if I am not the father of
amber's baby, I will never have
premarital sex again.


Your promises are pretty much
meaningless. I need something
Like what?
Pinky swear me.
( Lighting crashes even though it's not raining. )
Pinky swear?
( Lighting crashes even though it's not raining. )
Yes, pinky swear.
( Lighting crashes even though it's not raining. )
OK, fine. I, Bill Morrison, pinky
swear ( lightning crash when he
says pinky swear) Ashley Argento,
to never have premarital sex
again, unless it's a midget.
No. No. No exceptions
Fine. Never have premarital sex
again, not even if it's a midget,
or an Asian, or Natalie Imbruglia,
even if she is with Lisa Loeb and
they are both singing that song,
if I am not the father of Amber's
OK, pinkies in.
( Dramatic close up of pinkies touching and lighting
crashing in background )

(End scene)


( It's two weeks later and Bill, Mike, Cash, and Dad are all
sitting in the living room watching the Toxic Avenger. )
( Bill has a purple t-shirt with white print on it, Mike has
a Toxic Avenger t-shirt on, Cash has a button down shirt on,
and Dad is wearing a Logan High School Football 1974 shirt
on. They are all wearing jeans.)
( The phone rings and Mike answers. )
Hey, is Bill there?
Yeah, who's calling?
It's Amber.
Oh, Amber. It must be my
birthday. Or any other day of the
year because you're such a damn
whore. So, what time today will I
be plowing you?
Sorry, hun. I'm booked up this
week. I'll pencil you in for next
week, though. Where's bill?
Sweet. Hold on. Bill! Telephone!
It's whore breath!
Hey, Amber. So, am I having a
No. It's not yours.
Yes!!!! You're goddamn right it's
not mine!!! Whose is it, then?
Well, actually, it's the mixture
of seven different guys' sperm.


Really? Just seven?
Yeah, apparently all of their
sperm combined to form a mega
mutant sperm that actually
scrambled 30% of my egg before it
Kind of like that one Jeff Golblum
Which one? Earth Girls Are Easy?
No, The Fly.
Kind of, but slightly discolored.
But only slightly.
Wow! Well, tell me how that works
out for you.
OK. Tell your dad I said, "push
down and turn". He'll know what it
Uh, yeah.
( Bill hangs up the phone and starts doing a victory dance.

( Ashley knocks on the door wearing a white button down
blouse and a pair of khaki pants. Mike answers the door. )
Hey, Ashley, you finally here to
ride the snake?
Down boy. I'm just here to use
Bill's computer.


You can't hide your feelings for
me forever. Your sensual
I guess all I can do is try.
( Ashley walks past Mike and up to Bill who is doing a happy
dance by the phone. )
Easy, Michael Flattley. What's
with the jig?
Well, it turns out that I am not
the father of Amber's baby.
That's lucky. Whose baby is it?
It's like seven different Guy's
mutant baby or something.
Good for her, but you know what
this means, right?
Yeah, it means I only see her
during appointments now.
Afraid not, my happy little
deadbeat. You have a pinky swear
(lightning crash) to uphold.
No pinky swear( lightning crash
)in the world has jurisdiction
over my libido.
You know, I knew you weren't a
perfect guy, but never for the
life of me did I think that you
would be such a horribly evil
person to go back on a pinky
swear. (lightning crash )


What's so special about a pinky
swear? (lightning crashes)
It's a promise made between two
people that is never broken, even
by the most deceitful of people.
If you go back on this, I'll never
look at you the same.
Are you serious? You're not
serious. Oh, wow. You're
Afraid so. What's it going to be?
Me or meaningless sex?
OK. OK. Fine. Ashley, you know
you've always been the wind
beneath my wings.
I know.
( Ashley walks upstairs to Bill's room, and Bill sits back
down on the couch. )
What was that all about? Ashley
looked kind of upset? Did Mike
explain his five point plan to her
Yeah, but that's not what that's
Then, what was it about?
Ashley's all pissed off because I
pinky swore ( lightning crash )her
that I would never have sex again
if I wasn't the father of Amber's
baby, and I'm not.


You seriously pinky swore?
(lightning crash)
Yeah. I didn't know it would be
such a big deal to her.
You didn't think it was a big
deal?!? Dude, you never pinky
swear (lightning crash) unless you
mean it. Not with your best
friend. Not with a stranger, Not
with anybody. And if you do pinky
swear,(lightning crash) you never
go back on it.
OK, I can understand not going
back on one you make with your
best friend, but strangers?
Nobody. You know who goes back on
pinky swears (lightning crash)?
Pedophiles, vegans, and Hitler.
So, what your saying is that I'm
Quite the opposite, little
brother, you will never be fucked
again until you get married.
Hey, Mike, guess what this dumb
ass did.
Did he put the liquid soap in the
dishwasher, again?
No, he pink swore (lightning
crash) to never have sex again
until he got married.


( Mike laughs uncontrollably. )
Good job, you mook. You just cost
yourself years of shameless
enjoyment. Do you feel gay yet?
I hate you.
( Bill walks away while Mike screams at him. )
Can you feel yourself turning gay,
yet? It's coming for you, and
hell's coming with it. Mark my
words! Mark them! Maaaark
( Camera pulls out to the outside of the house and shows
birds being scared away by mike's scream. )

( End scene )
( A few weeks later )

( Bill is unshaven and unkempt and is dropping things and
getting frustrated. He is wearing a pair of pajama pants
and a white t-shirt. )

( Bill's dad is wearing a pair of tan dockers and a green
polo shirt. )
Goddamn fucking pickles!!! I hate
you so goddamn much, you fucking
green, slimy, dog bone, fucking
pickle fucker!!!
Who shit in your cornflakes?
Definitely not Amber! Not anymore!
Oh, god, how I miss vagina!!!
Why haven't you been getting
vagina? You turning into a peter
puffing nancy boy on me.


No, I pinky swore ( lightning
crash ) Ashley I wouldn't have sex
again until I was married.
Why would you do a thing like
Long story. I don't wanna talk
about it.
Well, it looks like you're not
having sex until you're married,
I'm seriously thinking about going
back on it. I can't take it
Boy, I didn't raise a coward. You
uphold your end of the pinky swear
( lightning crash ) and in the end
you'll thank yourself and respect
yourself more, and people will
respect you more.
But, Dad, I've got a fever, and
the only cure is vagina.
OK, you listen up, and you listen
good. Let me tell you something
about honor, respect, integrity,
doing the right thing, and overall
just being a goddamn man! There
comes a time in every man's life,
when he cowboys up, or he cowboys
down. And there's no way, that no
son of mine, is gonna be some
hippie, peter puffing nancy, who's
gonna crawfish on a pinky swear,(
lightning crash ) just to get his
dick wet. I didn't watch my
friend, get his head blown off in
Nam in the name of honor, just to
have you drag it through the mud.
He paid his buck o five. Now look
boy, I know it's hard, but you


                       DAD (cont'd)
just gotta be strong. Be
honorable. Be a man. You wanna
know what I do when I need some
advice, and things have got me
down? I turn to Ted. ( looks in
the direction of Ted Danson
picture on the wall above the TV )
Ask Danson, he'll steer you on the
right track.
I think I understand, Dad. Thank
you for showing me what it means
to be a man.
Don't thank me. Thank Ted Danson.
( camera zooms into Ted Danson picture. )

( End scene )
( Bill, Mike, and Cash with Lauren. Bill looks depressed
and is sitting at the bar not saying a word while the others
engage in conversation. Mike takes notice and starts
talking to Bill. )

( Bill is wearing a purple t-shirt with the KY Jelly logo on
it, and a pair of blue jeans. Mike is wearing a red t-shirt
with the word slut written across it in yellow letters. Cash
is in a pastel green button down shirt and a pair of dark
blue jeans. Lauren is in a pink baby t-shirt and a pair of
tight blue jeans. )
Who shit in your cornflakes?
Life. Life shit in my cornflakes.
Wow...That's almost deep. Does
baby want another Zima? Seriously,
look at all the panty bacon
running around here.
Yeah, it's fucking great. Too bad
I can't have any of it.


Did the pinky swear cover yodeling
in the canyon?
Dude, everything...
Does it apply to me?
Why would it, artard?
I'm not an artard. You're an
artard. Either way, that's all I
needed to hear. I'm gonna go look
for some badly packed kebabs and
have myself a little barbecue. If
you catch my drift.
No, I don't. That makes no sense.
It doesn't have to make sense to
you, artard. Later, loser.
I hate him...
( Bill sits at bar alone drinking. )
( Time lapse as Bill is singing El Scorcho and Consuela
wanders up wearing a tight, baby blue muscle shirt and a
pair of tight blue jeans. )
My brother's looking for a
mariachi singer if you're
Hey!!!!!! You're just in time for
the hat dance.
Lucky me. Can I buy you a drink?
Sure. But don't expect me to fuck
you cuz I can't!!! Goddamn pinky


Yeah, I heard about that. How ya
holding up?
Well, you could always find true
love and get married.
True love. (blows raspberry) What
skirt would date a guy they
couldn't have sex with until they
got married? A christian?
Maybe the answer's right in front
of you and you don't know it.
The only thing in front of me is a
Robert Frost laden road that forks
and I don't know which way to go.
Can't someone please help me?
( Bill breaks his glass angrily. )
Hey, buddy. I think you've had
I'll tell you when I've had
enough. You can't just decide
when I'm drunk. That decision is
mine. You can't just go around
telling people what they are and
what they aren't all willy-nilly
like. I don't think you're a good
bartender. How you like that?
Alright, you need to leave.
Oh, you wanna go?!?!?!? I'm like
Sonny Chiba when I'm angry. Huh?
You wanna see the streetfighter?
Huh? Well, do you? Huh?


I got him. Don't worry. Let's go
Russel Crowe.
You're lucky the mexican sister of
streetfighter showed up...we'll
meet again, barkeep.
( Consuela walks Bill out of the bar and the scene ends with
a close up of the bartender looking annoyed. )

( End scene )
( Bill wakes up in bed fully clothed with a terrible
hangover. )
( Marlon Brando voice ) Ohhhh!!!
( Consuela walks in wearing an old grungy t-shirt and a pair
of ratty blue jeans. Her hair is pulled back in a pony tail.
Good morning, sunshine.
How'd I get home?
I put you in a cab.
Was it a sexy cab?
Nope. Just a plain old amarillo
one. But the driver was a cross
dresser if that counts for
Amarillo means yellow.


Hey, you keep your devil tongue to
Whatever you say, white boy.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Why do you work here?
Because you pay me.
Actually, my dad pays you, but
that's not what I mean. Why a
house keeper? You seem pretty
smart. Why work as a house
Because it pays well, and it's
easy. And my brothers spend all
the rent money fixing up their
stupid lowriders.
But is that what you want to do
for the rest of your life? Clean
First of all, there is nothing
wrong with cleaning houses. My
mother did it her whole life to
give us a better life in America,
and I don't feel shamed because of
it. But no, I don't want to do
this for the rest of my life. I
want to get married and have
bunches of fat babies, and clean a
house of my own.
Makes sense. Well, one day I hope
to have sex again.


Keep hope alive. Maybe one day,
both of our dreams will come true.
One day.

( Ashley walks into the room wearing a pair of blue running
shorts and a blue sports bra, carrying Gatorade and a
Snickers bar as Consuela walks out. She tosses the Gatorade
and the Snickers to Bill. )
Hey, I heard you had a rough night
last night.
How the hell does everybody hear
about this shit so fast?
It's a small world.
Ashley, you've got to call off
this pinky swear. I can't take it
Sorry. I don't go back on pinky
Please, Ashley. I feel like
Atlas. Please take the world off
my shoulders. Give me freedom.
The freedom to be the man whore I
know I'm destined to be.
OK, I'm leaving. I'll come back
when you have better control over
( Ashley walks out of the room. )
I hate you so much right now.
( Bill walks to Cash's room and sees Cash is not there. Mike
walks by. )


( Mike is wearing a green t-shirt with the teenage mutant
ninja turtles logo on it and a pair of blue jeans. )
Hey, where's Cash?
He's canoodling the cheddar.
What the hell does that even mean?
He's at Lauren's place.
( Bill walks back into his room and calls Lauren's place. )
( Cash and Lauren are having sex. Lauren answers the phone
and continues to ride Cash. )
Hey, is Cash...Are you two fucking
right now?
Yeah, what do you want?
I can call back later.
No, it's fine. What do you want?
Can I speak to Cash?
( Lauren hands the phone to Cash, Cash throws the phone on
the floor and puts it on speaker phone. )
Hey, man, I need some brotherly
What? Speak up. You're on speaker


I need some help.
With what?
I don't know what to do about this
pinky swear thing.
What do you mean? It's pretty
simple. You make a pinky swear.
You keep it. What else is there?
But I don't want to keep it
anymore. It's driving me mad!!!
Stop worrying about it so much and
cowboy up.
Ya know, I have yet to figure out
just what the fuck that means.
It's redneck for "be a man."
I’m not a redneck.
Well, Dr. Phil. If I'm not a
redneck, and you're not a redneck,
why the hell are you speaking
redneck to me?
I’m trying to get a point across.
Well, you're doing a horrible job.
OK, look. There's a very simple
solution to this whole conundrum.
Man is a sexual creature by
nature. To deny this is to deny
everything that we've been created


                       LAUREN (cont'd)
for. Mankind needs sex for
reproduction as well as
recreation. Furthermore, the
double standard that our society
has imposed upon the gender roles
doesn't help matters. If a man is
promiscuous, he is treated as a
hero. On the other hand, a female
is treated like a simple scullery
maid. I'm not saying that you
should break the sacred vow that
is the almighty pinky swear. You
have two options. Either live a
cold and destitute life forever
scorned of the touch of another or
find a suitable mate to marry.
Like who?
I can only show you the way. You
have to travel it.
What about that Ashley chick?
No way, man.
You can't tell me that you and
Ashley haven't bumped uglies.
Nope. Never. I've never thought
of her like that.
Damn, if I were you I would have
smashed her like an Idaho potato.
( Lauren smacks Cash and continues to ride him like a dime
store pony. )
What other female are you friends
Hmmmm.. I can't think of any.


The only other one I can think of
is Consuela, and she isn't as much
a friend as she is hired help.
Marry her, then.
( Cash hangs up phone. )
( Camera zooms in a close up on Bill's face and then pans up
to a light bulb turning on above his head. )

( End scene )
( Bill walks down stairs and finds Consuela unloading the
dishwasher. He stares at her ass in awe as she bends over
for a few seconds then snaps out of it. )
Hey, Consuela, why don't you take
a break for a second.
That would be nice, mi hijo, but
if you want a clean house, I
really don't have the time.
Don't worry about the house right
now. You can just stay late if
you have to. We should talk.
About what? A raise?
Awww. You're so cute, but no. I
just realized that we have never
really sat down and just chatted
before. I just think we should
get to know each other better.
You feeling OK? I think this no
sex thing is starting to fry your


Well, I'm not going to lie to you,
I haven't even thought about sex
in days.
What about last night?
That didn't count.
Whatever you say, white boy. So,
what do you want to know about me?
How's the family? Everybody doing
Funny you should ask, my brothers
are actually.....
( Bill cuts her off in mid sentence. )
Hahaha. That's hilarious. So,
how much longer do you have before
your green card expires?
I don't know if anybody has ever
told you, but you're not good at
subtlety. What do you want from
What?!? You think I have some
kind of hidden agenda here? I
can't believe you, Consuela. As
long as you've been cleaning up
after me, I figured you would know
me better than that.
OK, I'm sorry. I was out of line.
Forgive me.
It's all good. Let's just forget
it happened and get back to our
chat. Where were we? The green


                       BILL (cont'd)
Well, I wasn't going to say
anything until tomorrow, but since
you asked, it expires in two
Get the fuck out of here! You
Afraid so. Although, I didn't
expect you to get this upset about
What!?!? Not be upset about it?!?
What am i supposed to do without
my little gordita running around
here cleaning things up and being
all cute like.
I'm sure you'll be fine.
No, it's a travesty. One I will
not stand for. Marry me.
Marry you?!
Yeah, marry me. Right now. You
want to stay here in America. I
want you to stay here. It's a
win-win situation.
Wait, I know what this is about.
You want me to marry you so that
you can have sex again.
What are you talking about? Sex?
This has nothing to do with sex.
You know, Consuela, I don't just
have a one track mind. I'm deep.
I care about shit.....and stuff.


I'm sure you do, but I'm not an
idiot. I know exactly what kind of
shit and stuff you care about.
OK, look Consuela. I didn't want
to say this to you because I'm
kind of shy about this type of
thing. I'm really attracted to
you, and not just in a sexual way.
I mean mostly in a sexual way, but
I also think you are kind of cool.
Save it, Gringo. There's only one
reason I will ever get married,
and that's for love. I'm flattered
that you find me attractive, and
not just in a sexual way, and I
admit that I think you are kind of
attractive, too, in a sex
addicted, beer chuggin frat boy
kind of way. But I don't believe
that you will ever fall in love
with any woman, ever, and if I get
married, it will be to someone who
I love and who loves me.
What the fuck is so important
about love anyway?!? Look at what
love has done to the world. Love
is the cause for all the war,
misery, and suffering in the
world. Juliet killed herself for
love. Romeo killed himself for
love. I mean, just look at the guy
from INXS. He loved too much, and
just look how that turned out.
OK, it's obvious that you know
nothing about love, and I'm just
wasting my breath trying to
explain how important it is. So,
why don't we just end this
conversation here?
OK, we can stop here for now, but
I'm not giving up until you're my


Why me? Why not Ashley? or Amber?
or that humpback girl you slept
with the other night?
Well Amber is way too much of a
whore to ever settle down and
marry somebody and Slagathor the
humpback has a fucking humpback.
And Ashley?
Well there's no way I could even
kiss Ashley let alone marry her.
Why not? She's cute, and you are
closer to her than I have ever
seen you with any other woman.
Yeah, but it's Ashley. It's just
not going to happen. I just don't
think of her in that way. She's
like my sister or something.
besides, you are way hotter.
Well, thank you for the kind
words. But it's going to take a
lot more than that to marry me.
What if I get you some flowers or
a Hallmark card or something?
I'll tell you what. My green card
expires in two weeks. If you can
make me fall in love with you, and
you show me that you actually love
me, then I'll marry you.
No shit?!? That's it? All I have
to do is get you to fall in love
with me? This is going to be easy.


And you have to show me that you
love me. I mean really love me.
trust me, I will know if you are
lying to me. I'm Hispanic. Oh and
for the record, lying to me is
definitely not going to help your
Our cause, Consuela. Our cause.
Whatever you say, gringo. You have
two weeks. Now, I really need to
get back to cleaning.
Alright, so... I guess I will see
you later then.
Mmhmmm. Later doll.
( Consuela turns back to the dishwasher and continues to
unload it. Bill starts to run excitedly upstairs to his room
but stops for a few seconds to stare at Consuela's ass
again. End scene with a shot of Consuela laughing in
disbelief to herself. )
( End scene )
( It's early evening and Bill is going through his pre-date
rituals. Bill is wearing a nice button down shirt and a pair
of trendy looking blue jeans. He is smiling and singing to
himself in front the mirror and dancing around. After a
couple of minutes Mike walks in. Mike is wearing a pair of
ragged faded blue jeans with a shirt that says " prose
before hose" and has a picture of William Shakespeare on it.
Hey, I know this song and dance.
You're planning on getting some
tonight aren't you?
Nope. That would be a violation of
the pinky swear.


Bull shit! I know what's going on
here. You're caving in. I can't
say I blame you. Giving up sex was
an insane idea to begin with. I
would have given up a long time
I'm not caving in. I'm not
planning on getting any tonight.
Then what's with the singing into
the mirror and the dancing?
Mike, my brother, tonight I am
going out on a date with my future
Get the fuck out of here! I guess
not having sex does turn you into
a pussy.

So, you go and fall in love with
some random woman and I don't even
get to try and bone her first.
Hey watch your mouth, sweetheart.
Love has nothing to do with it.
Well that's not what it looks like
from over here.

So who is this mystery succubus
No shit!?! The cleaning lady?!?
That's the most retarded thing I
have ever heard.
No, it's perfect. Her green card
expires in two weeks. I all ready
asked her to marry me and she said
that if I could trick her into


                       BILL (cont'd)
falling in love with me, and trick
her into thinking I love her, then
she will marry me.

And if I can get her to marry me,
then I can finally have sex with
whoever I want to again. Just like
the old days!
Man you are pure evil.
More like pure genius.
Maybe both, but this is the lowest
I have ever seen you sink to get
laid. Except for that one time
when you helped out at the Special
Olympics because you thought that
retard was hot.
Hey, that bitch gave me a rusty
trombone like I never had before.
I was cleaning drool out of my ass
for a week, but it was worth it.
Besides it's not that low. I mean,
it's not like I forced her to get
that abortion.
Dude. Dude. It's one thing to lie
to a girl and tell her you love
her just to have sex with her.
That's really not even wrong. But
you are going to marry a woman,
just to have sex with other women
and maybe her. You are planning on
having sex with her too right?
Oh yeah.
OK, good. Because she's got a body
that would make Jesus covet. But
anyway, yeah that's 100% pure
evil. I'm impressed. Maybe even a
little jealous.


Well thanks for the compliment...
I think.
No problem. I just hope you don't
think this is going to be easy.
It shouldn't be too hard. It's not
like I'm trying to break into
It's the closest you can get to
it, though. Consuela's different
man. To get her you're going to
have to pull out everything in
your bag of tricks.
And you know what it takes to get
her, huh?
Not really. She shot me down
before I could even get a date.
Cash, too. And Dad. In fact, just
getting her to go out on a date
with you is further than anyone in
this house has gotten. You're in
uncharted waters. Hope it all
works out for you.
( Mike turns and walks out of Bill's room. Bill continues
getting dressed and grooming himself but this time with a
notable absence of singing and dancing. )

( Bill pulls a condom out of his pocket and realizing he is
not going to need it, throws it in a nearby trashcan. )

( The scene ends with the camera following the condom into
the trashcan and a staying on it for a half second. )

(End scene)
( Consuela is getting ready for her date with Bill. She is
smiling and humming to herself while brushing her hair. She
is wearing a pair of blue jeans and a red halter top that
shows off her cleavage. )


( In walks her younger sister Angelica. Angelica is wearing
pajama pants and an over sized t- shirt.)
What are you getting all dressed
up for?
I'm not getting dressed up.
( Angelica gives Consuela a sarcastic look. )
What!? I'm not!
OK. If you're not getting dressed
up, then why are you wearing those
jeans that make your ass look
perfect and that top that shows
off your cleavage?
No reason. I just felt like
wearing this tonight.
Uh huh. Who is he?
He's nobody. It doesn't matter.
Why do you care so much anyway?
He's obviously somebody your
embarrassed about or you would
tell me.
OK, fine. His name is Bill. He's
the son of that guy who's house I
The guy who was a slut but now he
can't have sex because of a pinky
Yes. But I'm only doing it because
he basically begged me, and I felt
sorry for him!


And that's why you are happy and
bouncing around here in your booty
I'm just a happy person. It has
nothing to do with my date
OK, Consuela. You just keep on
telling yourself that, but I know
a booby top, booty jean
combination when I see it. You
really like this guy.
I do not!! I'm just going out with
him to cheer him up.
OK, big sister. You just make sure
you don't let him into your cookie
jar. You know that's all he wants.
Shut up!!!
( Consuela playfully throws a hand towel at Angelica as
Angelica walks out of her room. )

( Consuela sits down on the bed and sighs heavily. )

( Scene ends with a fade out )

(End scene)
( The scene opens with the two of them sitting at a table
while a bunch of screaming kids run by them playing. )
I hear the food here's great.
Yeah, it looks like a nice place.
( Camera briefly shows loud unruly kids playing. )


Plus, I love all the single moms.
I mean, I admire their ability to
raise a child on their own in
these troubled times.
Good save.
I thought so.
So, how was your day?
Not too shabby. First, I did your
laundry. Then, I cleaned up your
kitchen after you for some reason
thought that a peanut butter and
mayonnaise milkshake would be
good. And, for the record, you
have to hold the top on the
blender while using it.
So, what were you wearing while
covered in peanut butter and
That's totaly inapropriate.
Oh, yeah. There're kids here.
Yeah, the kids. That's why that
question is inapropriate.
( Bill says this next statement under his breath. )
Hey, that one kind of looks like
What was that?


So, what did you do today, aside
from the milkshake mishap?
I laid on the couch. Drank some
beer. Then around 1 p.m. I put my
pants on and checked the mail. Did
you know if I act now I can win a
Oh, wow. You better hurry, then.
Yeah, I was going to, but Night
Court came on T.V. so I just laid
back down on the couch and drank
some more.
Really? Since when did Night Court
become the porn that I turned off
when you fell asleep on the couch?
After about my 11th beer. I almost
finished that 12 pack.
Is that all you plan on doing with
your life, laying on the couch
drinking beer?
If all goes as planned.
Wow, that's really sad actually.
Well, I've never told anybody
about this before but, I've always
wanted to become Robo Cop.
Robo Cop?


Yeah, at the Museum for Robotic
Law Enforcement in Theory and
I don't know. I just always
thought it would be cool.
Well, what's stopping you?
The guy who plays Robo Cop now
won't leave.
Well, don't worry, they can't pass
up talent like you for long.
Oh, it won't be long if he gets
that package I sent him.
What did you send him? A bomb?
Close. It was a note asking him to
please quit his job so that I
could live my dream as Robo Cop.
Oh... do you think it will work?
It should. I did say please.
Yeah, that's true. Nobody can say
no if you say please.
So, now that you know something
about me I've never told anyone
before, tell me something about
you that nobody else knows.


Well, let's see, I didn't care too
much for the show Friends.
You didn't? Why not? That show was
Something about preppy white
people always whining about their
lives just didn't thrill me much
Well one of them was
Oh, well I never looked at it like
that before.
What do you have against white
people anyway? And why are you
here with me if you don't like
white people?
I don't have a problem with white
people. Just people that whine
about their lives when in all
actuality they could be a lot
That makes sense. I guess they did
kind of have it easy.
Well, I'm ready if you are.
Yeah, I need to get home. What
time is it anyway?
Time for us to go back to my place
and make love down by the fire.
You don't even own a fireplace.


I could burn some books on the
living room floor.
Please don't. That's just one more
thing you'll have me clean up in
the morning.
I'm not going to make you clean it
up. My dad's the one who hired
you. He's the one who'll make you
clean it up.
Well, I'm not going to have sex
with you anyway. I told you Bill.
No sex before marriage, and no
marriage before love.
Not even a little?
Nope. You know, not everyone woman
has sex on the first date.
The cool ones do.
You mean the ones with no
No girl has self-esteem when I'm
done with them.
Oh, I'll bet.
Well, if I can't have sex with you
tonight, can I at least get a
On the first date? Sorry but
that's more like third date


Third date? Man that's harsh.
Maybe. But who knows, you might
find that some things are worth
the wait.
I guess we will see.
Well, I seriously need to get home
so I guess I will see you at your
I'll be there with bells on.
As long as you're wearing pants
I'm happy.
Hey, that was never part of the
Right. Goodnight, Bill. I had a
wonderful time.
( Consuela walks out of the restaurant and Bill stands there
for a second. A kid trips in front him and spills some juice
on his crotch. )
Thanks, kid. I needed that.
( End scene )
( It's the next day and Ashley is sitting at the library
researching something for school. She lifts her head up from
her book and sees Bill looking confused and wandering
around. Ashley is wearing a white button up shirt and a pair
of khaki pants. Bill is wearing pajama pants, a wife beater,
and flip flops.)
Hey! What are you doing here? Are
you lost again?


No, I love the libary. In fact, I
used to come here all the time.
Yeah, I was nailing the libarian.
That's sick. She's a senior
I drink.... a lot.
Well, maybe you should cut down. I
think they have some books on
Maybe I will give them a look some
other time, but right now I'm here
for something different.
The janitor?
No. I'm here for a book on
( Bill holds up a book. )
Bill, honey, that's the Kama
Yeah, but it's the only one I
could understand.
Maybe you just need some help
finding the right one. Let's go
take a look.
( Ashley stands up and the both of them start walking down
the self help aisle searching the books. )


Hey, thanks for the help Ash. I
really have no idea which one to
No problem. Although, to be
honest, learning about romance
from a book isn't that great of an
idea. Why are you looking for a
book on romance, anyway?
No reason. Just thought I would
find a new book to read. I've
finished reading the last one.
f.y.i., this last one was a
Really? What book is this?
Playboy, the march issue. It's
about these naked leperchauns.
Hmmm. Sounds artistic, but when
did you start reading self help
I like to mix things up.
Wait, this is about Consuela,
isn't it? I meant to ask you how
your date went.
I went home, finished my 12 pack,
and watched some Night Court.
Ouch. Sorry to hear that. Will
there be a second date?
If she gets that package I sent
You didn't..


( Bill cuts her off in mid sentence. )
No. No. I sent her a letter asking
her to please go out with me again
Do you think it will work?
It should. I said please.
Oh, well, nobody can say no if you
say please.
I like the way you think.
So, what makes you think that self
help books are going to work?
I find that my increasing attempts
to be myself only leave me
emotional crippled and that I'm
incredibly shallow and need help.
So, I have no choice but to resort
to other people's opinions due to
the fact that my own attempts have
failed me on numerous
occasions.....plus, I really want
to get laid again.
Your quest is noble and true, my
good knight, but I don't think a
book is going to help you change.
It will if it's written by Tony
Probably not.
Good, because I really didn't want
read anything if I didn't have to.


Are you going to put that other
book back?
What? The Kama Sutra? Oh no, this
is the whole reason I started
coming to the libary to begin
Honey, it's pronounced library.
Really? I thought the y was
( Ashley shakes her head in a mixture of disbelief and
disappointment. )
( End scene )
( Scene opens with Cash sitting in a cubicle working on a
computer. Everyone, including Cash, is dressed in business
casual attire. )
                       A. JOHNSON
Morrison! Did you get those
reports down to Johnson on the
third floor?
I was going to sir, but Johnson
came by and said he needed to make
a correction first, and then he
would take it down to Johnson when
he finished.
                       A. JOHNSON
I swear, Johnson's career is
hanging by a thread here.
Sir, Johnson from accounting said
he needs to talk to you about
correcting the error on Johnson's


                       A. JOHNSON
Tell Johnson to get Johnson to
help him with that. And will
somebody get me a coffee!
Here you go, sir.
                       A. JOHNSON
Thanks, Johnson. Oh, Johnson, have
you met Johnson yet?
Oh yeah, actually Johnson
introduced us yesterday.
                       A. JOHNSON
Pay attention, Johnson. Johnson
could teach alot.
Will do sir.
Oh sir, I forgot to tell you
earlier but Johnson called and she
needs a confirmation on the
boardroom reservation for this
afternoon at 3.
                       A. JOHNSON
Dammit Morrison! It's already 2
o'clock. Why can't you be more
like Johnson and get things to me
on time!?!
Sir, I need to take the rest of
the day off. My dog is getting
groomed and if I'm even a second
late she will hate me for the rest
of the week.
                       A. JOHNSON
Dammit, Johnson! I've had it up to
hear with your incompetence! Your
( Everybody in the office except for Cash gets up and walks
out. )

( End scene )


( Cash is standing in the smoking area of his office
building when he gets a phone call from Mike. )
What do you want?
Who shit in your cornflakes?
Sorry. Johnson has been riding my
ass all week about finishing these
financial reports. Plus, Johnson
just got fired so I have to do his
workload until somebody new gets
I got a Johnson you can use.
You're an idiot.
Takes one to know one, loser. Why
do you work there anyway? You know
you don't have to.
Because, artard, I doubt Mom left
us all that money when she died
just so we could stay home and be
I'm not an artard. You're an
You're an artard.
You're an artard.
Please tell me you have a reason
for calling me while I'm at
work...besides to call me an


Oh yeah, I just wanted to tell you
that our baby brother is dating
Consuela now.
I already know that. I gave him
the idea. look I have to get back
inside before Johnson has an
Oh. Well, fine! Artard.
( Cash hangs up on Mike and goes back inside. )

( End scene )
( The scene opens with Bill and Consuela walking at an
amusement park. Bill is wearing a printed t shirt and a pair
of old faded jeans with flip flops. Consuela is wearing a
pair of faded jeans and a white polo shirt with sandals.)
Thanks for bringing me here. I've
never been to an amusement park
Really? Then we've got alot of
ground to cover.
Well what do we do first?
First we get cotton candy.
( They walk to the vendor Bill gets a wheel barrow full of
cotton candy and Consuela has a small stick of cotton candy)
Do you really need that much?
Don't beat around the bush. If you
want some of my cotton candy just


No, I think I'm good.
Suit yourself.
( Cuts to next shot of Bill pushing an empty wheel barrow
while Consuela has a little bit of cotton candy left on her
stick. )
You're going to be sick after
eating all that cotton candy.
Oh I've only just begun to gorge
You're gonna get some more cotton
No that's crazy, I'm gonna go get
a funnel cake. or maybe an
Elephant Ear. Oh! Oh! do you want
a Sausage on a Stick!
No, I think I've had enough to
snack on. How can you eat so much
and still stay as slim as you are?
I dunno. I guess it's my active
What active lifestyle? All you do
is sit around drinking beer all
Yeah I know, imagine if I didn't
do that.
Hey what's that?
( Consuela points to a game booth. )


Oh it's this really cool game. You
throw these balls at these
bottles. And if you knock the
bottles over you get a stuffed
Awww they're so cute. Go win me a
stuffed animal.
I'll try, but you know these games
are rigged. Nobody ever wins.
( They both walk up to the booth of the game. The vendor is
dressed like the old game vendors used to be dressed
complete with red vest and straw hat. He has a mustache that
is thin and curls up. )
                       GAME VENDOR
We've got a winner!!!!
Except for that guy who is
probably working with that vendor
to trick people into playing.
                       GAME VENDOR
And we've got another winner!!!!
And that guy who is probably
another employee who they let win
so that people won't think the
first guy was in on it.
                       GAME VENDOR
And we've got another winner!!!!
Goddamn it.
( Bill and Consuela walk up to the game. )
                       GAME VENDOR
Alright folks, step right up!
Hello, sir! You wanna try and win
your special girl a stuffed
animal!? Step right up!
Just give me the damn ball.


                       GAME VENDOR
Alright! Just step right up and
knock down the bottles. Step right
Okay, here we go. Hey! Is that a
mutant baby!?!?!
( Everybody turns their heads, and Bill throws two balls at
once knocking all the bottles over. )
                       GAME VENDOR
We have a winner!!! Okay, sir.
What will it be?
I want the donkey.
The donkey? Why the donkey?
What!?!? It's cute.
You hear the lady. She wants the
                       GAME VENDOR
The donkey it is, for the young
lady who is obviously attracted to
Wait, what was that?
                       GAME VENDOR
Okay, folks! Step right up! 3
dollars for 3 balls. Step right
Hey, I wanna ride that big thing
over there!
The ferris wheel?
Yeah, if that's what it's called.


Wow, you really are from Mexico!
( They get into the basket thing and the ride starts. )
Wow, you can see the whole town
from up here.
Yeah, it's magnificent, isn't it?
It makes think about the beauty
surrounding us everyday,and how
often we take it for granted.
( Bill rests his hand on her knee. )
That's so cheesy it's almost cute.
Yeah, I'm like a poet.
( Bill slowly moves his hand up her leg and tries to go up
her skirt while singing the cover of Wild Horses by The
Sundays in a horrible falsetto. )
And wild horses..... couldn't drag
me away.... and wild wild horses.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, I'm sorry. It just felt like
the right thing to do.
It's never the right thing to do.
No matter how bad of a falsetto
you sing in.
Baby, there was nothing falsetto
about it.
I think it's time for me to go


What!?! Look I said I'm sorry. You
can't tell me you weren't feeling
the mood.
Close, but no gordita.
Well, you still have another
minute and a half until the ride
stops, and there's no point in
spending it pissed off at me.
I'm not pissed off at you, but how
about for the rest of this ride we
have Roberto sit between us.
Why did you name your donkey
He reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.
They are both jackasses.
Yeah. Wild Horses isn't sounding
like such a bad song after all.
Not really. I just think we should
listen to it on another day, and
in a more private setting.
Sounds like a plan. When do you
want to do it?
We'll see. You haven't won me over
completely, yet.
( The ride stops, and the camera is looking down and from
behind them. The camera pulls away. The next shot is a cut
to Bill walking Consuela to her door. )
Well, I had fun tonight.


Yeah. Me, too. So, are we on for
the bar tomorrow night?
Of course. Well I should go in.
( Bill leans in for a kiss, and she gives him a hug. )
Okay. Well, I'm going to go take a
cold shower and watch some Night
Court. I'll pick you up tomorrow
night around eight.
Sounds great. Goodnight, white
Goodnight, Consuela.
( The scene ends with Bill driving away from her house. )

( End scene. )
( The scene starts with the camera focusing on the
television screen in Bill's living room. Mike is sitting on
the couch watching an old kung fu film. Dad walks in the
room from the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey and a shot
glass. Mike is in a karate outfit. Dad is wearing an old
grungy t-shirt and a pair of old jeans. ) )
What the hell is this?
( Dad takes a shot. )
I'm not sure. It was on the Asian
network when I was channel
Is it any good?
( Dad takes a shot. )


So far It's been pretty awesome.
Lots of high pitched screaming and
What's it about?
( Dad takes a shot. )
Well, I don't speak Japanese but
from the looks of it, that guy
there stole that other guys
blender, and now they have to
fight for the love of that girl
over there and, of course, the
ownership of the blender.
Oh, that old gem. Man, I do love
the classics.
( Dad takes a shot. )
Hey, where's Bill at? I haven't
seen him all day.
( Dad takes a shot. )
Oh, I'm glad you asked. Believe it
or not, he's out on a date with
Really? Well, alright then. Good
for him.
( Dad takes a shot. )
That's it?!? You don't find that
Should I?
( Dad takes a shot. )


How can you not at least be
amused? I mean this is huge! Bill
is actually on a date, and I mean
a real date with our house keeper!
I guess I just don't really care
about gossip. Gossip is for high
school girls, and I'm a man. A man
( Dad takes a shot, and then passes out instantly. )
Does nobody care!?!?!?
( Bill walks through the front door as Mike is screaming. )
Care about what?
About global warming.
Since when did you start caring
about the earth?
I've always cared about earth.
Without earth, we would all be
Wow, you're deep.
Yeah, I know. So, how did your
date go?
It was awesome right up until we
got on the ferris wheel.
What happened? Did you barf?
Nope. Worse.


Wow, what be could worse than....
wait, no... you didn't... tell me
you didn't...
Well, it worked on the movie Fear.
Yeah, but that was Alicia
Silverstone. I'm sure she gets
fingered at amusement parks all
the time.
Actually, that was Reese
Witherspoon, but whatever happened
to Alicia Silverstone?
I think I saw her working at that
Denny's near the airport.
Times must be tough for her.
Oh, I'll bet. With the economy in
the shape it is, and all the out
sourcing going out to the foreign
markets, who isn't struggling?
Yeah, and with the gas prices
climbing and inflation on the
rise, pretty soon everybody will
have to get jobs at Denny's just
to survive.
Yeah, I know. I know.
What are you watching?
Some kung fu flick on the Asian
Is this the one about the blender?


Yeah, I think.
Man, what a classic.
So, you actually tried to finger
bang her on a ferris wheel? Man
don't you know that will only work
if that song Wild Horses is
playing somewhere in the
Well, it kind of was.
What? Did you bring a radio?
No, I just sort of sang it while
Ha ha ha ha ha!! You are such a
Dude. okay. Okay, dude. Dude.
Oh no. I'm never forgetting this.
I'm telling everybody about this.
You do that. I'm going to bed.
Ha ha. Yeah. Ha ha. Okay.
( Bill walks towards the stairs to head to his room, and
Mike sits back down on the couch still laughing. Scene ends
with a shot of the kung fu movie on the T.V. screen. )

( End scene )


( Mike is sitting around watching actual Night Court and
hears a knock at the door. He slowly gets up and answers
the door to find Erica. Mike is wearing a black judges robe.
Erica is dressed in business casual attire.)
Whoa!!! What's up, woss..I mean,
Kim's friend?
My name's Erica. Is Bill here?
No. He's gone. Wasn't your hump
on the right the last time we met?
Well, could you tell him I stopped
by? It's weird. Ever since that
night I spent with him, I can't
stop thinking about him.
Neither can I.
( Mike tries to close the door but Erica stops him and keeps
talking )
I've never met anyone as honest
and free-spirited as he is. He's
so unashamed of who he is.
Everyone else is always so nice to
me because of my condition. He's
the only person that's ever
treated me like a human being.
Yep. That's my brother all over.
A real hoot. Listen, I'm trying
to watch TV right now, and you
seem to be crutching all over my
feet. So, I'm going to close the
door right now and walk away
before I catch whatever it is that
you seem to be carrying around in
that hump on your back. Later.
( Erica stops Mike from closing the door again )


( Erica stands up as straight as possible with a sexy look
on her face )
Hey. You need somebody to watch
TV with?
I hope you like Night Court!!!
You kidding me? Who doesn't?
( Scene jumps to 5 minutes later, and the camera is focused
on the T.V. screen where night court is on. It stays on the
screen as you hear screaming of the sexual nature in the
background. )
Oh, yeah!! You like it when I
spank your hump, don't you? You're
dirty little wossum, aren't you?
Oh, yeah. That's it, baby! Spank
my hump! My hump! My hump! My
lovely lady lump!!!!!
( While the camera is still focused on the T.V. a shirt
lands on top of the T.V. covering the screen. The camera
pans up to the picture of Ted Danson as Sam Malone from
cheers smiling instead of the serious look on his face as it
was earlier in the movie during Dad's rant. )

(End scene )
( Bill meets Consuela who is already at the bar drinking.
Bill is wearing a nice button up shirt with a pair of jeans.
Consuela is wearing a tight fitting t-shirt and a pair of
tight jeans. )
Good news, everybody! You are all
looking at the new Robo Cop in the
Museum of Robotic Law Enforcement
in Theory and Practice!! Who wants
to touch me!?!?
Great!!! Buy me a shot of tequila.


Yeah!! Let's get you drunk so we
can really get this party started!

Hey, barkeep! Let's get some
tequila shots over here and
keep'em coming!
( The bartender pours two shots of tequila and Consuela
slams her shot while Bill is still holding his up preparing
for a toast. )
Well, you're an eager beaver! You
gonna wait for the toast next
Maybe you should toast quicker.
( Bill slams his shot. )
Hey, barkeep! Two more!
( The bartender pours two more shots. )
Okay, so what do we toast to?
How about to the new Robo Cop?
Sounds great! To the sexiest Robo
Cop to walk the earth!
( They both touch shot glasses and take a shot. Cash and
Lauren walk up. Cash is wearing a t-shirt and jeans. Lauren
is wearing a button up and khaki pants. )
Hey, I thought I heard a drunken
relative across the bar!
You mean the drunkest relative!


I wasn't going to state the
obvious. So, what are we drinking
To the newest Robo Cop!
Oh, so he finally died! Congrats!
When do you start?
Monday! And you know what else? I
get to take the uniform home with
me every night.
I'm sure that will come in handy.
Hey, Consuela, how've you been?
Busy. you never realize how much
shit you have until you have to
pack it.
Yeah, I know what you mean. The
last time I had to move I ended up
giving a bunch of stuff away
because I ran out of room in my
Why not take two trips?
And walk up those stairs again? I
don't think so.
( Mike and Erica walk into the bar. They are both wearing
the same thing they wore when they hooked up earlier that
day, only everything is tattered and Erica's hair is messed
up. they both look like they have been having crazy sex all
Good news, everybody!!! I'm
No shit!?!? To who?


To this curvaceous beauty, and I
do mean curvaceous.
( Mike points to Erica. )
Slagathor? No shit!? Well, looks
like this day couldn't get any
( Everyone looks at Consuela who has a less than concerned
expression )
Let's hear it for the day...
( Consuela slams a shot of tequila. )
( Later that night everyone is sitting at a table. )
( Mike is trying to build a castle out of coasters. )
Awww!! Isn't he just the cutest
thing ever?
      (under her breath)
Como un burro muriendo con
( Consuela slams her drink down and ruins Mike's castle. )
Now what will the peanut king
reign over?
( Erica rubs his back with her crutches to console him. )
Who wants a shot?
I won't drink it unless it has a
sexy name.
Right. Six la petit mortes.


( Cash walks away. )
The French sure do take language
to a new level.
You take language to a new level.
What's wrong with you tonight? You
haven't been yourself at all.
Yeah. You should be
celebrating!!! Cash and Lauren
are still doing it, Mike and Erica
are engaged and also in a
blossoming new relationship, I got
the dream job I've always wanted,
and I haven't tried to touch you
inappropriately in fifteen
minutes. A new record I might
( Mike, Erica, and Lauren, all start clapping for Bill. )
So, turn that frown upside down.
Today is a beautiful day.
      (Rosie Perez voice)
Oh no, you didn't, little white
boy. I'm going back to Mexico in
a few days and all you can think
about is your little Robopolice
thing. The worst part is that all
the while I find myself falling
for you for no reason and you
can't so much as say anything nice
to me that doesn't involve
( Bill chuckles a little but stifles it. )
      (Rosie Perez voice)
You see, that's what I'm talking
( Cash walks up with six shots. )


So, what should we toast to?
      (Rosie Perez voice)
How about to finding yourself a
new housekeeper. I'm leaving to
Mexico in the morning.
( Consuela walks out. )
( Ashley walks up to the table. )
There you guys are. You won't
believe it. I heard the most
unbelievable impression of Rosie
Perez just now.
( Mike snaps his fingers. )
Rosie Perez!!! That's what I was
looking for.
( Bill looks solemn and holds his head in his hands as
everyone else toasts. )

( End scene )
( Mike is at the house alone and dancing in a funny manner
to Blue Monday as performed by Orgy. Mike is wearing pajama
pants and a white t-shirt. Bill walks in and joins him
without missing a beat. He is wearing a flannel shirt and
jeans. )
Hey, there you are!! For a second
I thought you were going to miss
our weekly dance session! Where
you been?
I went for a walk to clear my
Clear your head of what!?


Just thinking about Consuela!
( The song changes from Blue Monday by Orgy to Unbreak My
Heart by Toni Braxton.

Mike and Bill stop dancing and look at each other. They
shrug their shoulders and embrace each other. They start to
slow dance, and Bill rests his head on Mike's shoulder. )
Man, I've never seen you so mental
over a girl before! Are you
turning gay on me?
No man, I just kind of miss her. I
think she might be the one. Why is
it that I have to fall for the one
Mexican who doesn't want to stay
in America illegaly?
That's a good question.
Well, what am i supposed to do?
How am I supposed to get laid?
Well, you can always break your
pinky swear with Ashley, but that
would make you a complete asshole.
Yeah. I could never do that to
Or you could always go after
What? Go to Mexico?
Yeah. Why not? Spin.
( Mike lifts Bill's right hand and spins him around. Mike
pulls Bill back close to him. )


Because it's in Mexico and I start
my job in the morning.
Call in sick.
The duty of Robo Cop is one I do
not take lightly. The criminal
museum doesn't take sick days and
neither does the Robotic Law
Well, you have to ask yourself
what's more important: being Robo
Cop, or being with your true love.
You can't have your cake and eat
it, too.
What is that saying supposed to
mean, anyway. I mean, why can't
you have cake and eat it as well?
Yeah. You're right. That
expression makes no sense
whatsoever. I mean, you're the one
who is having cake, wouldn't that
sort of imply that you would eat
said cake.
Yeah. I mean that's as stupid as
when people say that's the way the
cookie crumbles. I mean it makes
sense, sort of, but who the hell
crumbles cookies in the first
Kids with down syndrome, I
suppose. But look, that's not the
point. The point is, that
sometimes you have to make
sacrifices to be with the one you
love. Take me for instance. I
found true love with Slagathor.
You mean Erica.


Slagathor is just a pet name I
call her. Anyway, I had to
sacrifice my own sense of
aesthetics to be with her.
So, what your saying is, I have to
choose between Robo Cop and
Pretty much.
Well, that fucking sucks.
( The song changes from Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton to
the Blue Man Group. )
Is this the Blue Man Group?
Yeah, you like?
No. No, I do not like.
Too bad, because I'm not changing
Don't worry, I'm leaving anyway.
I've gotta go get some metal
polish for my Robo Cop outfit.
( Bill walks to the front door and then stops and turns back
to Mike. )
Oh, Mike. Thanks. Thanks.
No problem. Oh, Bill. Good luck.
Good luck.
( Bill turns and walks out of the door. Mike continues to do
a funny dance. Scene ends with a fade out. )

( End scene. )


( Bill is standing in his display wearing the Robo Cop
outfit. A small group of high school girls from St. Teresa's
all girl catholic school is walking towards his exhibit. )
( Bill begins to mutter under his breath as they walk up. )
I'd do her. Her. Her. She's
chubby, but I'd do her. And her.
Not her.
( Bill starts to speak in his best Robo Cop impersonation. )
Greetings, citizens. Welcome to
the celebrity wing of the Museum
of Robotic Law Enforcement in
Theory and Practice. I am Robo
Cop. You may remember me from the
movie Robo Cop, and Robo Cop Two.
( The girls laugh to themselves and start to walk away while
making jokes about Robo Cop and how lame Robo Cop is. )

( Bill stops talking and is standing there with a depressed
look on his face. )
Don't let them get to you. They're
all just a bunch of stuck up
Oh, they don't bother me. They are
one step from the local free
clinic anyway.
Then, why the long face? It's your
first day and you play the hero.
You should be excited.
I am. I am. I just have something
on my mind is all.
Well, you better not let it affect
your work. I take my job very
seriously and I expect the same
from my co-workers.


Don't worry. It won't affect my
work. I mean, this has been a
dream of mine for so long.
( Bill stands there quietly staring at the floor. ED-209 is
standing across from him practicing poses in the reflection
from a window beside him. )
So, what time do we get a break?
( ED-209 replies while still posing. )
What break? The museum of crime
doesn't take breaks, so neither
can we. The second we let our
guard down, they will be waiting
to cause mayhem and disorder.
Wow. I had no idea.
Believe it. The job of robotic law
enforcement is a dirty one, but I
wouldn't have it any other way.
( Bill stands there silently for a minute or so, and then,
without any warning, he starts to step out of his display
and head towards the exit. )

( ED-209 dashes from his exhibit to step in front of Bill. )
Halt. You must finish your shift.
Dude, I wish I could, but you see,
there's a girl in Mexico that i am
in love with. I have to go after
Answer does not compute. Halt. You
must finish your shift. This is
your second warning. Lethal force
is possible.
No. I don't think you understand.
how much I have dreamt about being
Robo Cop. I will not be happy


                       BILL (cont'd)
without my true love Consuela. So,
I have to go.
Halt. You must finish your shift.
This is your third warning.
Failure to comply will result in
lethal force.
I can't, guy. I love her more than
i love being Robo Cop.
Halt. You must finish your shift.
This is your fourth and final
warning. Lethal force is imminent.
Look. ED-209. What are you not
understanding here? I have to go.
Don't you understand what love is?
Answer does not compute. Halt.
Place your hands on your head and
turn around. You are under arrest.
Oh, what!? You wanna go, robot?
I'll make you wish you had never
been welded.
( ED-209 starts firing lasers at Bill. )

( Bill dives to his right and hides behind a fake rock. )
Oh, what the fuck!! That thing
fires real lasers!?!?
( ED-209 fires his laser at the fake rock and completely
destroys it. )

( Bill dives behind another fake rock and pulls his laser
pistol from his gun belt. )
Ok, big man!! I think it's time
you felt the wrath of my robo gun.


( Bill leaps out from behind the fake rock and fires a
single laser shot to the head of ED-209. )

( Sparks emit from ED-209, and he falls on his back. )
Error! Error! Answer does not
( The camera is looking up from the point of view of ED-209.

( Bill walks up to the fallen ED-209 and stands over it's
chest. He fires one more shot at point blank into ED-209's
head, silencing it's cries. )

( The scene ends with the camera going dark quickly, as Bill
fires the last shot into ED-209. )

( End scene )
( The scene starts with a close shot of Bill still in his
Robo Cop uniform behind the wheel. The only thing showing in
this shot is the steering wheel and Bill. Everything else is
blacked out. )

( Brick by Ben Folds Five is playing during this entire
scene. )

( The camera takes a shot of a sign that says " Mexico-75
miles." )

( The camera takes a quick shot of Bill and then a shot of a
sign that says "Mexico-25 miles" )

( The camera takes a quick shot of Bill and then a shot of a
sign that says "Mexico-50 miles" )
Son of a bitch!!!!!!
( The camera cuts to a shot of the car doing an aggressive
u-turn. )

( The camera takes a quick shot of bill and then a shot of a
sign that says "Mexico-25 miles" )

( Bill pulls over at the sign and gets out of his car to
urinate on the side of the road. )


( The music stops playing while he is outside of the car
urinating. )

( Bill gets back into the car and the music picks up exactly
where it left off. )

( The camera takes a quick shot of Bill and then takes a
shot of a sign that says "Welcome to the Mexico" )

( Bill drives through the border patrol check point and the
music instantly changes to the Mexican hat dance. )

( Bill stops his car and puts it in reverse. As he backs
over to the United States side, the music changes back to
Ben Folds Five. He pulls forward just enough to be back on
the Mexican side, and the music changes back to the Mexican
hat dance. )
Hmmm. That's interesting.
( Bill shrugs his shoulders and continues on. )

( The camera cuts to a shot of the car driving further into
Mexico as the camera pulls up and tilts. )

( Crane shot )

( The scene ends with the camera pulling all the way up
until it is pointing at the stars in the night sky. )

( Fade out )

( End scene )
( The scene opens with Consuela sitting at a cubicle
working. Everyone is dressed in business casual attire. )
                       A. DIAZ
Gonzales! Le hizo baja esos
informes al johnson en el tercer
Iba a señor, pero diaz vino por y
dijo que él necesitaba hacer una
corrección primero, y entonces él
lo bajaría al Diaz cuando él


                       A. DIAZ
Juro, la carrera de Diaz pende de
un hilo aquí.
                       B. DIAZ
Señor, Diaz de la contabilidad
dijo que él necesita hablar con
usted acerca de corregir el error
en el cheque de pago de Diaz.
                       A. DIAZ
¡Diga Diaz para conseguir Diaz
para ayudarlo con eso. Y hacer
alguien me consigue un café!
                       C. DIAZ

Aquí usted va señor.
                       A. DIAZ
¿Da las gracias Diaz. Ah Diaz, ha
encontrado usted diaz todavía?
                       C. DIAZ
Ah sí, realmente Diaz nos
introdujo ayer.
                       A. DIAZ
Atienda diaz. Diaz podría enseñar
                       B. DIAZ

Hará señor.
Ah señor, yo me olvidé de decirle
más temprano pero Diaz llamó y
ella necesita un comfirmation en
la reservación de sala de juntas
para esta tarde en 3.
                       A. DIAZ
¡Gonzales de damnit! Lo es ya 2
o'clock. Por qué puede ser no
usted más como Diaz y consigue las
cosas a mí a la hora!?!
                       D. DIAZ
Señor, necesito tomar el resto del
día libre. Mi perro es arreglado y
si soy aún un segundo tarde ella


                       D. DIAZ (cont'd)
me odiará para el resto de la
                       A. DIAZ
¡Diaz de damnit! Yo lo he tenido
arriba oír con su incompetencia!
Su despedido!!
( Everybody in the office except for Consuela starts to get
up and walk out as Bill steps off of the elevator still
dressed in his Robo Cop uniform )

( Cue the song Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong. )

( Everybody stops walking out and stares at Bill as he walks
into the office searching every cubicle. )
                       C. DIAZ
¡Mi dios!! Lo es el diablo!!
( Consuela stands up and makes eye contact with Bill. )
( Bill walks over to her and lifts her up in his arms. )
I can't believe you came here for
For you, babe, I would go to hell
and back.
( He starts to carry her out of the office as everyone claps
and cheers. )

( A few people start to fire pistols into the air. )

( Bill walks into the elevator with Consuela in his arms. )

( The scene ends with a shot of the elevator doors closing.

( End scene )
( end film. )


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