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What Happens Next(in progress)
by Mike Farley/Mike Murtha (metllicat3@aol.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED



This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



WHAT HAPPENS NEXT(IN PROGRESS)

FADE IN:

EXT. A SUBURBAN HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
                                                            
A suburban high school, a picture of tranquillity, as
students mill about and a gentle breeze blows through the
tree lined street. A title card on screen reads: SOUTH
AMBOY, NJ MAY 15, 1998. The camera zooms in on a young
couple of friends, ETHAN and JULIE.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Wow, I can't believe it's over.
When I started high school, I knew
I wanted to find a platonic male
friend who would treat me as an
equal, and who would respect me
for my mind and not just for my
looks.
                                                            
Beat, then
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (staring at her
       chest)
Huh?
                                                            
                       JULIE
What are you doing!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh, just staring at your chest.
                                                            
                       JULIE
OK, just checking.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (coming to his
       senses)
Sure.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Were you even listening to me?
                                                            

2.

                       ETHAN
Yea, I was.
                                                            
                       JULIE
What did I say?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Umm...You like being noticed for
your looks?
                                                            
                       JULIE
That's what I thought...
                                                            
JULIE turns and walks towards a car. ETHAN rushes up to her.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Sorry.
                                                            
                       JULIE
No, its OK.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Really?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Yea, I take that as a compliment.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Wow. Does that mean I can do it
whenever I want to you...
                                                            
                       JULIE
      (sternly)
No.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
JULIE is in the passenger seat, ETHAN climbs into the
driver's seat. ETHAN turns and realizes JULIE is crying.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
What's wrong?
                                                            

3.

                       JULIE
Oh, nothing. (Sniffle) I'm just
worried that with you going to
Rutgers and me moving to UNC
tomorrow, we're never gonna see
each other again.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Aww, come here...(JULIE leans over
into ETHAN'S arms) I promise we'll
see each other again, and we'll
see a lot of each other.
                                                            
                       JULIE
      (sitting up,
       smiling through
       her tears)
We will?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Of course we will!
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
Title card now reads NEW BRUNSWICK, NEW JERSEY MAY 14, 2002.
A dorm building in a college town.
                                                            
                       ETHAN (VO)
So even though I transfered to
rutgers a month later I never saw
her again.
                                                            
ETHAN and 3 of his buddies, KIERNAN, JARED, and MEL are
lounging around on sofas, throwing a Nerf football around.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Wow, that's cold man.
                                                            
                       MEL
Yea, you never called her again?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
No. Well, I tried that night. But
I was at a party that night.And a
            (MORE)

4.

                       ETHAN (cont'd)
bunch of guys were playing this
game I'd never heard of before.
                                                            
                       JARED
What game was that?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Quarters.
                                                            
                       MEL
Ah, yes.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I tried to call her that night.
But I had 16 Heinekens in me. I
called some home shopping line. I
think I ordered something or
other. Thank god I couldn't
remember my address...
                                                            
 
INT. HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
A MIDDLE AGED MAN sits amidst a sea of exercise equipment.
                                                            
                       MAN
      (screaming)
WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO WITH
36 SOLOFLEX MACHINES?!
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
So you were pretty gone that
night, huh?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yea, thank God I didn't try
anything REALLY STUPID!
                                                            
 

5.

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
                                                            
ETHAN, dressed in a chicken suit, perched on the edge of the
roof of a house.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (yelling)
I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU GUYS, I'M
GONNA FRIGGIN' FLY!
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Well, I'm glad you didn't get hurt
or anything. God I knows I've done
some crazy things when I'm drunk.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
A swinging party. Loud music,dancing, a group of attractive
young ladies standing in a circle, talking. KIERNAN walks up
behind them, and taps on a PRETTY BRUNETTE's shoulder.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Umm, you're pretty.
                                                            
PRETTY BRUNETTE rears back and slaps KIERNAN.
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
                       JARED
No, I do crazy stuff when I'm
drunk!
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
The twilight sky can been seen out the window. JARED creeps

6.

up to a closed cookie jar. Looks back and forth, and sneaks
a handful of cookies out, all the while with a mischievous
grin.
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
                       MEL
See, I'm different. I don't go
that crazy when I'm drunk...
                                                            
MEL does something extremely reckless and stupid in his
flashback,culminating in a major head injury.
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
                       MEL
Well, the neurologist thought I
might have brain damage, but if
you ask me that's a crock of...
                                                            
MEL freezes. JARED, sitting next to him, waves his hand in
front of KIERNAN'S eyes. No response. A beat, then:
                                                            
                       MEL
Don't you tell me about J. Edgar
Hoover, you son of a bitch!
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Loud music blares in the background.
                                                            
                       MEL
      (V.O.)
I can't believe you dragged us
here.
                                                            
PAN TO: ETHAN, KIERNAN, JARED, and MEL walking towards the
house.
                                                            

7.

                       ETHAN
Come on, there's gonna be hot
girls here.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
There's hot girls at Bourbon
Street too. And there if a drunken
frat boy punches you in the face
he's at least bounced.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
But here you don't have to pay for
them to make out.
                                                            
                       MEL
This is true.
                                                            
                       JARED
I dunno you guys. I'd rather just
watch Monty Python and the Holy
Grail on HBO2 then study.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Come on, Jared. We're graduating
in two weeks, lets have some fun.
                                                            
                       JARED
I dunno. I mean, I've got my
Psychology final at 10 AM...
                                                            
JARED's stops. He hears something...
                                                            
                       MEL
What do you hear?
                                                            
                       JARED
SHH!
                                                            
A beat. Then:
                                                            

8.

                       FRAT BOY NUMBER ONE
      (V.O.)
YOU'RE SO FULL OF IT!
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER TWO
      (V.O)
I AM NOT! I'M TELLING YOU, DEEP
THROAT WAS KILLED IN THE 1996
EPISODE ENTITLED "HERRENVOLK"!
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER ONE
      (V.O.)
BULLSHIT! IT WAS IN 1994'S
"ERLENMAYER FLASK"!
                                                            
                       MEL
What the hell is that?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Lover's quarrel.
                                                            
                       JARED
Shut up. I've gotta set some facts
straight.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
About what?
                                                            
                       JARED
      (urgently)
THERE IS A SADLY MISINFORMED
X-FILES FAN UP THERE WHO NEEDS MY
HELP!
                                                            
JARED runs up the porch steps and into the house.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Ooooh kay.
                                                            
 

9.

INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
KIERNAN, MEL, and ETHAN are in the midst of the party. Loud
music blares in the background. Dancing and carousing. ETHAN
spies a particularly beautiful BLONDE.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Welcome to Shangri-La.
                                                            
ETHAN busts his white boy moves across the floor,
approaching the girl.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I've just forgotten every other
woman I've ever dealt with in my
life.
                                                            
                       BLONDE
Cute.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
May I offer you a beer?
                                                            
                       BLONDE
Why sure.
                                                            
ETHAN hands BLONDE a beer.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Here you go.
                                                            
                       BLONDE
So what's your name, cutie?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Isn't that my line?
                                                            
                       BLONDE
If you want it to be.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So what's your name?
                                                            

10.

                       BLONDE
I asked you first.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'm Ethan. Ethan Van Devere.
                                                            
                       BLONDE
Van Devere? What, are you the heir
to a railroad fortune?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Ooh, good one.
                                                            
                       BLONDE
Why thank you.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So, now, what is your name?
                                                            
                       BLONDE
Lana Keith.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Nice to meet you, Lana Keith.
                                                            
At this point, LANA takes a swig of her beer.
                                                            
                       LANA
Stupid domestic crap.
                                                            
ETHAN's face lights up with a smile. He's hooking up with a
beer connoisseur.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Wow. You know your beer huh?
                                                            
                       LANA
I should. My dad's owns a bar.
                                                            
ETHAN can barely contain his joy.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER THREE
      (V.O.)
HEY, ANYONE WANNA WATCH A PORNO?
                                                            

11.

                       LANA
Ooh, sounds like fun.
                                                            
LANA walks into the room where the frat boy yelled from.
ETHAN looks directly at the camera, a goofy grin on his
face.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
JARED listens at all the various closed doors, sometimes
hearing music, other times climactic moans of ecstacy. Then,
he comes to a door where he hears yelling.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER ONE
      (V.O.)
NO, KRYCEK WAS KILLED BY SKINNER,
AND X DIED BY BEING PUSHED DOWN A
FLIGHT
OF STAIRS!
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER TWO (V.O)
NO, NO, NO!
                                                            
JARED rears back and kicks open the door.
                                                            
                       JARED
THE CIGARETTE SMOKING MAN WAS
PUSHED DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO
HIS APPARENT DEATH BY SPECIAL
AGENT ALEX KRYCEK IN "REQUIEM" IN
2000, KRYCEK WAS SHOT AND KILLED
BY ASSISTANT DIRECTOR WALTER
SKINNER IN "EXISTENCE" IN
2001,DEEP THROAT WAS KILLED BY
GOVERNMENT AGENTS IN "THE
ERLENMAYER FLASK" IN 1994, WHILE X
WAS GUNNED DOWN BY THE SYNDICATE
IN "HERRENVOLK" IN 1996! YOU POOR,
STUPID BASTARDS!
                                                            
JARED stoops down and catches his breath. A beat then:
                                                            

12.

                       FRAT BOY NUMBER ONE
Oh yea.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
A bunch of guys and LANA are gathered around the TV. MEL and
KIERNAN are already there. FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR holds up a
video box.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR
OK guys! Here it is! LADIES ROOM
RENDEZVOUS! Starring Mia Amore and
Lydia Harding.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Ethan, you're just in time!
                                                            
FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR puts a tape in the VCR.
                                                            
                       MEL
Want some popcorn?
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Yea, Mel just made his own special
topping!
                                                            
                       MEL
Shut up Kiernan.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
JARED is sitting on a beanbag chair,
surrounded by FRAT BOYS ONE and TWO.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER TWO
So whatever happened to the alien
plot to colonize earth?
                                                            

13.

                       JARED
That morphed into the super
soldier plot.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER ONE
And Scully's baby?
                                                            
                       JARED
Was conceived to be a great super
soldier, but Agent Spender came
back and injected him with a
biochemical which killed the alien
components inside of him.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER TWO
Wow, you're pretty cool. Wanna do
acid?
                                                            
                       JARED
      (unsure)
Uh...okay.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
ETHAN is talking to LANA while the tape rewinds.
                                                            
                       LANA
So lemme get this straight, you
rushed into the orphanage WHILE it
was on fire?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh yea. I would have gotten there
sooner to, but I had to deliver
the baby the woman sharing the
taxi with me was having.
                                                            
                       MEL
      (disguised as a
       sneeze)
Bullshit.
                                                            
ETHAN slaps MEL in the back of the head.
                                                            

14.

                       FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR
OK guys, the tapes done rewinding!
                                                            
The crowd of guys let out a cheer. FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR
tries to put down the video box, but its stuck to his hand.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR
Eew!
                                                            
FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR runs off. Some pornographic moaning in
the background and the crowd of guys let out another cheer.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (shocked)
HOLY SHIT! THAT'S JULIE!
                                                            
ETHAN runs into the other room where FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR
ran too.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hey, buddy?
                                                            
FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR, wearing a rubber glove, is pulling at
the video box with his free hand.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Lemme see that.
                                                            
Grabbing the frat boy's video forearm, he pulls it near his
face and reads the back of the box.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Let's see...ah, here we are?
                                                            
ETHAN pulls a pen from his pocket and writes on his hand.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Okay, She's Just My Secretary
Honey, Honest Films...555-9726.
            (MORE)

15.

                       ETHAN (cont'd)
Thanks buddy.
                                                            
ETHAN drops the frat boy's arm and runs back out into the
living room.
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER FOUR
Thanks for the help!
                                                            
 
EXT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
ETHAN, KIERNAN, and MEL walk briskly out towards the car.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
So wait, you're saying Mia Amore
is actually Julie McGinley from
your high school?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yea, I think so.
                                                            
                       MEL
Wow. She's REALLY hot.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (tersely)
That's really not at all what I
needed to hear right now.
                                                            
ETHAN and KIERNAN walk off camera. MEL remains standing
behind.
                                                            
                       MEL
Come on! I didn't say anything
about her boobs!
                                                            
MEL walks off and joins his friends in the car.
                                                            
 

16.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
ETHAN is in the driver's seat, KIERNAN is riding shotgun,and
MEL is in the back.
                                                            
                       MEL
Wait a minute, guys. Where's
Jared?
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
JARED and FRAT BOYS ONE and TWO are doing a disjointed
dance. JARED's face is one of complete terror, and he has a
pair of underpants on his head. A montage of footage from
Yellow Submarine, Pink Floyd's The Wall, anime, and
Beavis'halluncination from Beavis and Butt-Head Do America
play as suitably trippy music blares.
                                                            
                       JARED
I...am...KIROK!
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER ONE
Lottery tickets...lottery
tickets...
                                                            
                       FRAT BOY NUMBER TWO
All the dogs in the world are
barking.
                                                            
                       JARED

Oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh...
                                                            
ETHAN and MEL enter.
                                                            
                       MEL
Jared, what the hell is wrong with
you?
                                                            
                       JARED
I'm on the train. I'm on the
train.
I'monthetraini'monthetraini'monthetrain.
I AM the train. I AM THE TRAIN.
IAMTHETRAINIAMTHETRAINIAMTHETRAIN.
            (MORE)

17.

                       JARED (cont'd)

WHOO-WHOO!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Come on, Hendrix.
                                                            
ETHAN and MEL push JARED out the door.
                                                            
 
EXT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
MEL and ETHAN push JARED into the backseat of the car. ETHAN
gets into the driver's seat and drives off. As the car pulls
away, LANA runs out behind the car.
                                                            
                       LANA
      (yelling)
WAIT! AREN'T YOU GOING TO CALL ME?
                                                            
LANA pulls out a pen and writes something on her hand.
                                                            
                       LANA
No one jilts Lana Keith and gets
away with it.
                                                            
 
INT. DORM - DAY
                                                            
JARED walks out into the kitchen, clad in pajamas, rubbing
his head.
                                                            
                       JARED
      (sleepily)
Wow. Now I know how Han Solo felt
when he was released from that
block of carbonite.
                                                            
JARED sits down and begins pouring himself a bowl of cereal.
KIERNAN enters from bedroom, also in pajamas.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Well if it isn't Captain Trips
himself.
                                                            

18.

                       JARED
God, don't remind me.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
      (singing)
Well, I'm standing next to a
mountain...Chop it down with the
edge of my hand...
                                                            
                       JARED
Shut up.
                                                            
KIERNAN walks off, singing.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
      (singing)
Excuse me while I kiss the sky.
                                                            
ETHAN, already dressed, enters. He sits down on a stool next
to Jared.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Rough night, huh?
                                                            
                       JARED
I thought I was the Lindburgh
baby.
                                                            
JARED turns his attention to the back of the cereal box.
ETHAN grabs the phone and begins dialing.
                                                            
                       JARED
Who are you calling?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
She's Just My Secretary,
Honest,Honey Films.
                                                            
JARED considers this for a minute.
                                                            
                       JARED
Sure, What the hell.
                                                            

19.

                       BLONDE
      (on phone)
Hello, is this She's Just My
Secretary, Honey, I Swear
Productions? My name is Ethan Van
Devere, I'd like to get some
information about Mia Amore, one
of your actresses? Oh, shes a
rising star? I'd like to know if
you might maybe be able to put me
through to her or give me a number
where I can reach her? No, I'm not
an obsessed fan. No, I swear to
God. Ask my roommate, its in my
pants swear.I...wait...come
on...wait...wait...can't I
just...why can't...Jesus
Christ...She's...WHY CAN'T I JUST
FRIGGIN' TALK TO HER?! Hello?
                                                            
                       JARED
Why do you wanna talk to her?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Remember the movie? Last night?
                                                            
                       JARED
I thought my head was a coconut
last night.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Julie? From high school? She's a
porn star.
                                                            
                       JARED
Wow. Is she hot?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Shut up.
                                                            
                       JARED
No, you said she was pretty I'm
just curious...
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You wanna see her? Here...
                                                            

20.

ETHAN reaches into his wallet, pulling out a picture of
Julie.
                                                            
                       JARED
Goddam. Can I borrow this? For
ahhh...three minutes?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
NO! (A beat then:) It only takes
you three minutes?
                                                            
                       JARED
Uhhh...
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Fucking pervert.
                                                            
ETHAN picks up the phone again and dials again.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hello? I'd like the casting
department please.
                                                            
JARED does a spit take.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'd like to audition for you? My
real name? Uhh... Patrick Duffy.
Yes, the actor. Okay, sure.. 1
o'clock? Where are you located
at?(writing down address)Okay,
corner of Broadway and 17th.
                                                            
                       JARED
Why the hell are you gonna
audition for a porno?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
It's the only way I'm ever going
to get in touch with Julie.
                                                            
                       JARED
Aren't there any other options?
                                                            

21.

                       ETHAN
Well, maybe, but then the movie
would be much too long.
                                                            
They both look directly at the camera and give a thumbs-up.
                                                            
                       JARED
But wouldn't it be worth
considering those other options to
keep a roomful of people from
seeing your, um, how shall I put
this... tallywacker?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I've got nothing to be ashamed
of...Tallywhacker?
                                                            
                       JARED
No, I mean, not necessarily about
that, but don't you have
a...(whispering)birthmark?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Maybe if the film makers weren't
so cheap we could have gotten a
body double.
                                                            
ETHAN and JARED both glance at the camera disapprovingly.
                                                            
 
EXT. BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
A not-so-nice looking building in a seedy part of the city.
Ethan's car pulls up in front and he gets out. Ethan looks
down towards his crotch, and says
                                                            
Ethan walks towards the door.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Here we go. It's time for you to
come outta remission.
                                                            
 

22.

INT. BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
A bustling movie sound stage. The ambiguously European
DIRECTOR barks out orders in his vaguely European accent.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
All right everybody! Time for
everybody to get in their
places!(looking at one studly,
shirtless male)I don't like you.
Get off my stage.(Beat)CAMERA pans
down and begins slowly zooming
in.The swine I have to work with
nowadays... He's cute, I give him
that, but he doesn't have.. it.
Ron Jeremy, he wasn't cute, but he
had it.I would much rather be
stuck in bed with him than any
other piece of grade-A butt
steak...(Beat)If only Jeremy
didn't smell like ass...
                                                            
ETHAN enters the room with his hand extended to shake hands
with the
DIRECTOR.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hello, my name is Patrick Duffy,
I'm here to audition. I'm a big
fan of your work. Cumming in a
Sock truly moved me.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
That was a piece of commercial
claptrap. I hate you already. Now,
get on the set and be sexy!
                                                            
ETHAN opens a copy of the script and begins to read,
insecurely.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Ummm... did somebody order
a...pizza?(Beat)Who wrote this,
anyway?
                                                            

23.

                       DIRECTOR
      (points)
Him right there.
                                                            
CUT to shot of WRITER, looking like any random character
from Revenge of the Nerds or a combination thereof. Has a
terribly nasal voice.
                                                            
                       WRITER
I consider it my masterpiece.(One
beat, then another, of total
silence)They're paying me in Fig
Newtons!
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Now, again! With FEELING!
                                                            
Ethan ponders this for a moment, then begins to rub his
crotch as he says:
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Did somebody order a pizza?
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You said with FEELING!
                                                            
The director considers this, then
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
You, sir, are a genius. CONTINUE!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
This pizza's loaded with lots of
extra hot cheese!
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Brilliant. Now, BRING ON THE
CLEVELAND STEAMERS!!!
                                                            
Camera pans to show the crew. They are making wild eyed,
creepy gestures towards Ethan. One crew member takes and

24.

relishes a long bite from his bowl of shredded wheat.
Ethan's muffled screams can be heard along with a cacophony
of disgusting sound effects, as the director looks on with
unbridled glee.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
MAREVLOUS! NOW, FROM THE TOP!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
What?
                                                            
                       MAN
Umm, I think I might need awhile.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Fine. Everybody take five! I'm
going to the car to reflect on
this marvelous morning. And
probably to jerk off.
                                                            
One of the poop freaks gets off the bed where Ethan is
laying. He zips his pants and turns to Ethan.
                                                            
                       MAN
Hey, I loved you on Dallas.
                                                            
He turns and gives Ethan a thumbs up.
                                                            
 
INT. STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
Ethan walks back onto the set, his hair dripping wet. He is
drying himself with a towel.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Duffy, come here for a second?
                                                            
Ethan walks to the director.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
So, Suzanne Somers...she was doing
some other stuff with that
Thighmaster, wasn't she?
                                                            
Ethan storms away. The director pulls out a tape recorder
and begins speaking into it.
                                                            

25.

                       DIRECTOR
Note to self: ixnay on the
Uzannesay Omerssay. Get in touch
with Shirley Jones' people.
                                                            
The director pulls the recorder away, then brings it back to
his lips, doing a maniacal laugh into it.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Now, Duffy, I need you to wear
this for the next scene.
                                                            
Director hands Ethan a screen mask with a pump that makes
blood flow over it.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh so its a family picture, huh?
                                                            
It is at this point he notices a girl laying on a bed
wearing a Dennis Rodman mask complete with wedding dress.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
If you can get the emotion that I
want from under that mask then you
my friend are the...next...ummm
great...porn....man.yeah...ye..
                                                            
director walks away dejectedly.
                                                            
                       WRITER (OS)
THAT'S WHY I'M THE WRITER!!!
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR (OS)
Oh I'll write you...I'll Uh Write
you an early grave huh yeah I'll
tell you what.
                                                            
Ethans gets on the set.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Now Lay down next to her like you
do so well!
                                                            
Ethan goes to lay down, hesitantly.
                                                            

26.

                       DIRECTOR
Come ON! Get On with it! I'm
almost loosing my erection.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I...I...I...
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Oh That's it!
                                                            
Director jumps from his chair and tears off his pants in
true NBA style and gets on top of the actress and starts
going to town.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Now you see most actors go for the
pinch, but I'm more of a swirl,
just to show you wussy actors what
it's all about.wooooooooo!!!!
                                                            
At this point the actress rips off her mask and is revealed
to be, in fact, Julie.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Raul are you TRYING to get sued
again?
                                                            
Ethan then rips off his mask.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Julie?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Ethan!
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Raul!!
                                                            
Both Ethan and Julie look at director. Then both walk out
the studio doors. Camera then goes back to the director.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR
Thats the best part of my jorb...
                                                            
Then director pulls out lipstick and begins applying it as
he walks away we hear him singing...
                                                            

27.

                       DIRECTOR
I'm not gay, I'm not gay, But I
dance around in a gay, gay way.
                                                            
 
EXT. STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
ETHAN and JULIE are walking down the block, catching up on
old times.
                                                            
                       JULIE (CURIOUSLY)
So why are you doing porno?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Actually, I was hoping to find
you.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Christ. Don't tell me you think I
need rescuing from this terrible
life, like you're some knight in
shining armor and I'm the damsel
locked up in the tower waiting for
you to climb up my hair.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
How the hell do you think Rapunzel
and Prince Charming got down,
anyway?
                                                            
                       JULIE
I don't know...
                                                            
                       ETHAN
But I'm not here to rescue you. I
just wanted to see how you were
doing.
                                                            
                       JULIE
By auditioning for a porno under
the guise of a washed up 1980s
star?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Do you know how hard it is to
reach you by phone? The operator
            (MORE)

28.

                       ETHAN (cont'd)
at the studio was convinced I was
only using the phone with one
hand, if you catch my meaning.
                                                            
                       JULIE
That's understandable, I guess. Do
you know how many soiled pairs of
underwear I get in the mail a
week?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
A lot.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Actually, I never have.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh.
                                                            
                       JULIE
But it is kind of sweet that you
travelled all the way to the city
and got pooped on by a bunch of
sweaty teamsters just to see me.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So, do you wanna go get a taco or
something?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Sure.
                                                            
 
INT. ETHAN'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Ethan and Julie sit down. Julie sniffs the air.
                                                            
                       JULIE
How about...I give you my phone
number...and we get a
taco...tomorrow...after you've
showered...
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I think that's a good idea.
                                                            
 

29.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
The elevator doors open, and Ethan walks out. A man is
clinging to the wall, breathing through his tie, holding a
passed out woman in his arms.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Sorry.
                                                            
 
INT. ETHAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Jared is sitting on the sofa, drinking Pepto Bismol directly
from the bottle with a twisty straw. He is obviously hung
over. He is channel surfing, and stops for a second on a
baby delivery show on TLC. He gulps, barely holding on to
the contents of his stomach. Ethan walks in to the
apartment. Jared sniffs the air, then vomits.
                                                            
                       JARED
You got pooed on, didn't you?!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Dear God you're quick.
                                                            
                       JARED
Of course I am! By my count, I
received 46 swirlies in middle
school.
                                                            
Ethan then walks into the bathroom, while we still see Jared
sitting on the couch with a garbage pail in his lap.
                                                            
                       JARED
So what happened?
                                                            
                       ETHAN (OC)
Well ya know those videos we saw
on the internet that one time?
                                                            
                       JARED
What, Goatse: The Movie?
                                                            

30.

                       ETHAN (OC)
No the one with the asian girl in
the tub.
                                                            
Jared vomits.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yeah it was really bad, but kind
of warm.
                                                            
Jared vomits.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hey, have you seen my floss?
                                                            
Jared vomits. Then gargling is overheard from the bathroom.
Jared vomits. Title Card: 10 minutes later. Ethan comes out
of the bathroom with a bathrobe on and takes the clothes he
was wearing and throws them into the pail that Jared had,
and lights them on fire. Jared then walks out sees this, and
Jared vomits.
                                                            
 
EXT. STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
Ethan picks up Julie and the head to a near by mexican
resturant.
                                                            
 
INT. ETHAN'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So, how have you been?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Achy. But 8 hours of anal will do
tha t to you.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
How do you do that?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Well, first you bend over...
                                                            

31.

                       ETHAN
Not that. I mean, how do you get
up everyday and go have sex on
camera? I tried filming it once,
but somehow an episode of Mr.
Belvedere broke in right as
I...you know...
                                                            
                       JULIE
It's a paycheck. A damn good one
too. I made $150,000 last year.
I'm just happy I won't spend ten
years paying off college loans.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Wow. So how did you get into this
in the first place?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Well, my Dad was in and out of the
hospital and I had to quit school.
I knew I needed to find some
steady work, so I looked in the
paper and saw an ad for girls. It
said "see the world! Fuck
interesting people!".
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I never knew your dad was sick. He
coached me on the wrestling team,
he was badass.
                                                            
                       JULIE
He was bad ass. So bad ass he
didn't tell anyone he was passing
blood every day until it was too
late.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'm so sorry.
                                                            
Julie fights back some tears. A beat, then:
                                                            
                       JULIE
How about we change the subject?
                                                            
 

32.

EXT. MEXICAN RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Ethan and Julie walk in to the restaurant.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Ethan and Julie walk in and are greeted by the host.
                                                            
                       HOST
Ah, good afternoon, Ms. Amore?
Another table read?
                                                            
                       JULIE
No, Enrique, I'm here on personal
business.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So, you're a regular here?
                                                            
                       JULIE
We actually used to do table reads
here.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Used to?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Until half the company was barred
from the restaurant. Let's just
say that Slab Hardpec liked
cherries with his enchiladas.
                                                            
Ethan and Julie are seated.
                                                            
                       HOST
You're waiter will be with you
shortly. Deseo empujar mi manhood
en usted hasta que usted tiembla
como un ciervo en el sonido de una
escopeta.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Domo arigato! You were right about
the people here Julie! Salt of the
earth!
                                                            

33.

                       JULIE
So what've you been up to?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Well, after I graduated high
school I went to college, and here
I am. Tada. How about you?
                                                            
                       JULIE
I do guys on screen for money.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Well, other than that.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I do guys offscreen for money.
                                                            
Ethan chokes on an ice cube.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Kidding. I'm just kinda working
right now. I haven't been in a
relationship in a while. Most guys
can't take the idea of dating a
girl who goes to the office and
has kinky sex.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Relationship? Who said anything
about a relationship? I don't
wanna be in a relationship.
                                                            
                       JULIE
More of the pantented Ethan Van
Devere selective listening.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
What do you mean selective
listening?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Look at page one of the script,
genius.
                                                            
Julie pulls out the script for the movie, and shows it to
Ethan, who looks over it.
                                                            

34.

                       ETHAN
Well I'll be hornswaggled.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
They pull up to Julie's house.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Well that was fun.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yeah this was the most fun I've
had all day.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Well I had a massive orgasm at
work but this is definitly top 2.
                                                            
Then they share a moment of awkward silence, and look into
each others eyes and start to lean into kiss, Julie thinks
about this as she leans in and changes her mind leaving the
car in haste. Ethan with his eyes closed still leaning in
not realizing that julie has left the car falls into the
passenger seat.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Ethan Walks into the apartment kinda glum after the date,
checks his answering machine. He notcies and familiar voice
on the answering machine.
                                                            
                       LANA (VO)
Listen, Ethan Van Devere, you no
good, yellow bellied, cocksucking,
ass licking, no good piece of
selfish shit. You think you can
just dance with me at a party and
forget about me! Well, listen,
Ethan Van Da-queer, I don't NEED
you! In fact, I've already
forgotten you! Wait? Who is this
I'm calling? Hello? Do I have a
wrong....
                                                            

35.

The machine beeps, indicating the tape was full. Ethan hears
a muffled voice on the other side of the door, and opens the
door to check it out. Lana is standing there, talking in to
a cell phone.
                                                            
                       LANA
So, in conclusion, finally, ergo,
vis a vis, in the end, fuck you,
pa...
                                                            
Lana looks up and sees Ethan standing there.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Can I help you?
                                                            
                       LANA
      (Dreamily)
You can help me find myself,
because I'm lost in your eyes.
                                                            
Ethan slams the door in her face. Jared walks into frame.
                                                            
                       JARED
She's been there all afternoon.
Want me to call the cops? Or do
you want me to take care of her?
Growl?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hey, isn't there a Dr. Who
marathon on PBS?
                                                            
                       JARED
Son of a whore!
                                                            
Jared runs out of frame. Ethan picks up the phone and dials.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hey, Lana, it's Ethan! Oh, you're
at my apartment? No, that wasn't
me. That was my identical twin.
His name...uhhh...Dethan. Yea, I'm
on a train, coming back to New
Brunswick. Wanna meet me there?
Yooou do! Super! I'll be there in
like 15 minutes! I can't wait
            (MORE)

36.

                       ETHAN (cont'd)
either! Umm, no, I'm not wearing
anything sexy. No, I will not take
off my pants on the train. Okay,
maybe I will in the car. Seeya
later! Bye!
                                                            
 
EXT. TRAIN STATION - NIGHT
                                                            
A title card reads TEN MINUTES LATER... Lana is standing in
a deserted train station. No activity whatsoever. She is
holding a giant heart shaped floral display.
                                                            
                       LANA
      (shouting)
Ethan? ETHAN? You there! I'll take
my pants off first! Hello?
                                                            
A bum walks up to Lana. He sees the floral display, picks
out a flower, and starts eating it.
                                                            
                       LANA
Hey, Red Skelton, I need to get
these back to the funeral home in
an hour!
                                                            
The bum walks off, muttering.
                                                            
                       BUM
Eh, those chicken sandwiches from
Wawa were better anyway. And, you
know, a good karate guy will
ALWAYS beat a heavyweight boxer.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Ethan, Jared, Mel, and Kiernan are gathered around the
kitchen table. Ethan is disussing the events of the evening.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I think I really like her, I mean,
we were always friends in high
school, but I never thought of her
like this. I mean, she was hot. We
went to the prom. But everything
            (MORE)

37.

                       ETHAN (cont'd)
we did was just as friends. And I
want to change that.
                                                            
Ethan sighs.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I think she might be the one.
                                                            
                       JARED
The One! Come on! She's done some
movies, but the Wachowskis didn't
direct any of them!
                                                            
Ethan, Mel, and Kiernan glare menacingly at Jared.
                                                            
                       JARED
I'll leave now...
                                                            
                       MEL
Just tell her, dude.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You make it sound so simple.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
It fucking is! Just tell her! If
your friendship is worth a
tinker's damn, it'll be able to
withstand this, even if she
doesn't feel the same way.
                                                            
                       MEL
You got into Jared's John Wayne
DVDs again, didn't you?
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Yea...
                                                            
Jared walks in, wearing a vest like Ed Harris in Apollo 13.
He is carrying a cardboard box full of random crap. He dumps
it all on the table.
                                                            
                       MEL
What the hell are you doing?
                                                            

38.

                       JARED
The time for talk has ended,
gentleman, now action is required.
We need courage under pressure,
like Ed Harris in Apollo 13!
Luckily I got his vest from the
Smithsonian.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
At the gift shop?
                                                            
                       JARED
Yea...gift shop...Anyway...
                                                            
Jared picks up a medical textbook, flips through the pages,
and holds it up for the guys to see. On the page is a giant
picture of a penis.
                                                            
                       JARED
We need to find a way to get
THIS...
                                                            
Flips through a few more pages and displays a vagina for the
guys.
                                                            
                       JARED
Into THIS...using just these.
                                                            
He motions to the crap on the table.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
My discman!
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
My tube socks!
                                                            
                       MEL
My Buns of Steel video!
                                                            
They all cast a disgusted look towards Mel.
                                                            
                       JARED
Let's get going! ROLL CALL! Jared?
GO FLIGHT! Ethan?
                                                            

39.

                       ETHAN
Get bent!
                                                            
                       JARED
Kiernan?
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Screw off!
                                                            
                       JARED
Mel?
                                                            
                       MEL
Fuck you!
                                                            
                       JARED
You dumb jerks! If you were at
mission control those brave
astronauts would be getting
knocked around the asteroid belt
right now!
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
I'll knock you around the asteroid
belt if you don't shut your trap!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
HELLO! WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ME
HERE!
                                                            
                       JARED
Oh, it's always about you! What
about those poor astronauts?!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Babylon 5 is on.
                                                            
                       JARED
Shit!
                                                            
Jared runs off.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You really think I should just
tell her?
                                                            

40.

                       MEL
Well, yea. What's the worst that
could happen?
                                                            
CUT TO: A thought Ethan has: a close up on his face, with
Julie's fist coming into frame and punching him.
                                                            
                       MEL
Oh come on, it can't be THAT bad.
                                                            
CUT TO: Another thought of Ethan's: his face showing signs
of him having an orgasm.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Let's not go crazy here.
                                                            
CUT TO: A close up on Ethan's crotch, with a spiked heel
kicking it.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Let's just cut out the bullshit:
do you like this girl?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yea.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Then just tell her.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You're right. I'll do it. Hell,
I'll call her right now!
                                                            
                       MEL
Bad idea. You just got back from
hanging out with her. If you call
her now, you'll seem desperate and
needy.
                                                            
                       JARED (VO)
My ears are burning!
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
But you can practice.
                                                            
Kiernan hands Ethan the video.
                                                            

41.

                       KIERNAN
This is one of Julie's films. At
the time, she was going by the
name Mona Harcox. Talk to her on
screen and gauge her reactions.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You know, I don't know how
comfortable I am with this whole
porno thing.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Hey, she's hot, and I got curious!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Thanks, but no thanks. I think I'm
just gonna go get some sleep.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Umm, I wouldn't do that just yet.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Why?
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Well, I wanted to watch this
earlier, and I don't have a TV in
my room...
                                                            
                       ETHAN
You sick bastard.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
So, yea, uh, your sheets won't be
out of the dryer for another forty
minutes.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Jerk off.
                                                            
                       MEL
Hey, at least he washed them!
                                                            
 

42.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Julie opens aparment door you hear soft moaning from Ethans
room and a low voice. Julie walks around the apartment
looking at all the stragne things lying around.drawn towards
the moaning she opens the door into Ethans bedroom.
                                                            
 
INT. ETHANS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
julie opens the door to find ethan watching one of her
pornos and he is talking to the screen as if they were on a
date.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Ohhhh hey umm whats going on
Julie?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Hey, The Urethra Monologues, one
of my favorites.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh, yea, it's Jared's. I, uh,
picked it up from the living room.
I thought it was yesterday's All
My Children.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Don't try to hide it, Van Devere.
I know what you're doing.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Look, my hands are up here, I
swear!
                                                            
                       JULIE
No, it's okay. You were catching
up on old times. And, from the
looks of things, you were
definitely catching "up" on old
times.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'm sorry.
                                                            

43.

                       JULIE
No, don't be. I'm not ashamed of
my job. You shouldn't be either.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So, do you wanna go grab a bite to
eat?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Sure. Let's roll.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
A title card reads "Three Hours Later". Ethan and Julie are
walking through the halls of Ethan's building. They are
laughing, and obviously a little inebriated.
                                                            
                       JULIE (LAUGHING)
So then the woman says, "Honey,
this one's eating my popcorn!".
                                                            
Ethan and Julie explode into laughter. A few moments pass.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So, what do you wanna do? I think
Seinfeld is coming on?
                                                            
                       JULIE
What's the view like from on top?
                                                            
                       ETHAN (PERPLEXED)
WHAT?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Pervert. I mean from the roof.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Well, I'm not really sure. But I
do know you'll probably get a damn
good view of the scenic Raritan
River.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Let's check it out.
                                                            
 

44.

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
                                                            
Julie and Ethan are on the roof. It is a beautiful, clear
night, and you can see exactly five stars in the smoggy New
Jersey air.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Wow, this is cool.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hey, see that one star up there?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Which one?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
That one really bright one.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Okay, yea, I see it.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
When we were in sixth grade, I had
a huge crush on you. I named it
after you.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Oh, that's so sweet. Except, um,
Ethan?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yea?
                                                            
                       JULIE
That's the North Star.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh.
                                                            
                       JULIE
That's alright. It's the thought
that counts.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Thanks.
                                                            

45.

                       JULIE
That'a funny, though.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Why?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
What is?
                                                            
                       JULIE
When I was in sixth grade, I had a
crush on you. That summer, me and
my family went up to Lake George.
And, since it's, like, 200 miles
from the city, the air is clean,
and you can see more than five
stars at night. I looked up in to
the far corner of the sky, and
found a star, kinda out of the way
of everything else. I named it
after you.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh, wow. It must've been kismet or
something.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Yea. Who knows what might have
happened had we gone out then.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Who knows?
                                                            
A few moments of awkward silence pass.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I guess I'm just lucky to have a
friend as good as you.
                                                            
                       ETHAN (SOFTLY)
I can't...I can't do this.
                                                            
                       JULIE
What was that?
                                                            

46.

                       ETHAN
I said I can't do this!
                                                            
                       JULIE
Do what?
                                                            

47.

                       ETHAN
For four years, you were my best
friend. We shared everything with
each other. And I treasured your
friendship. Then we go four years
without seeing each other, and
now, here we are, together again.
Acting like we're in high school
again. Except there's one major
difference. I love you, Julie
McGinley. I love everything about
you. I love being with you, and I
love having a good time with you.
But as much as I've been enjoying
myself, part of me has been
tortured. We're so close, but at
the same time, we're miles apart.
All I want to do is to hold you,
to kiss you, to make love to you.
You dominate my thoughts. I feel
every second I'm away from you is
wasted. I wake up in the morning,
and you're the first thing on my
mind. I drive to work thinking
about you. I think about you all
day when I'm working. I think
about you when I eat, when I watch
TV, when I'm with the guys. And my
last thought every night when I
drift off to sleep is about you,
and when I'm asleep I dream about
you. I can't take feeling this way
and not being able to share this
with you. I can't pretend I'm
having such a great time with you
when part of me knows that if I
tell you how I really feel it
could ruin the best friendship
I've ever had and will likely ever
have. I understand completely if
you don't feel the same.
                                                            
A long moment of awkward silence passes. You could drive a
bus through Julie's gaping mouth.
                                                            

48.

                       ETHAN
But, Julie, if you don't feel the
same way, I beg you.
                                                            
Ethan drops to his knees.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'm on my fucking knees, begging
you, don't let this be the end.
                                                            
Another long moment of silence. Julie stands in stunned
silence. She begins to walk away, then turns back to Ethan.
She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Ethan,
realizing he's struck out, begins the long, slow walk to the
door to the stairs. Julie runs up to him, spins him around.
He opens his mouth to speak, and she puts a finger to his
mouth, silencing him. Julie then kisses Ethan passionately
on the mouth.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
It is the next morning. Jared prepares his breakfast by
pouring milk directly into a box of Froot Loops. Eyeing the
box, he sees there is a toy inside.
                                                            
CUT TO:
                                                            
A close up on the box: FREE STAR WARS TOY INSIDE
                                                            
Jared reaches directly into the box, spilling milk and Froot
Loops everywhere. He pulls out the toy, beaming, but his
face quickly turns about 8 shades of disgusted.
                                                            
                       JARED
Christ, not another fucking Ewok.
                                                            
Jared throws the Ewok off camera.
                                                            
                       JULIE
      (O.C.)
Ouch.
                                                            
Jared turns and sees Julie, wearing little more than one of
Ethan's t-shirts (which is now splattered with milk) and a
pair of shorts.
                                                            

49.

                       JARED
Umm...can I help you?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Shh. Ethan is still asleep.
                                                            
                       JARED
Okay...umm...awkward...we haven't
met, have we?
                                                            
                       JULIE
No, we haven't.
                                                            
                       JARED
Oh, you're Julie. I've heard about
you. Seen you too, I just didn't
recognize you with your
clothes...I should shut up,
shouldn't I?
                                                            
                       JULIE
That might not be a bad idea.
                                                            
Ethan walks out from the bedroom.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Hey, you.
                                                            
Ethan and Julie lightly kiss.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh, crap, you two haven't even
been properly produced, have you?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Introduced, yes, though I wouldn't
say properly.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Julie McGinley, Jared Fogel. Jared
Fogel, Julie McGinley.
                                                            
Jared and Julie shake hands.
                                                            
                       JARED
Sorry about...you know...
                                                            

50.

                       JULIE
Don't worry about it.
                                                            
She turns to Ethan.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I'm going to go get dressed.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'll miss you.
                                                            
                       JULIE
You're sweet.
                                                            
They lightly kiss again. Julie walks back to the bedroom.
                                                            
                       JARED
You hound, what did you do?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
What you guys said I should do.
                                                            
                       JARED
You showed her how to make an air
filter using only the materials
found in the lunar module? You old
softie.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
No, idiot. I just told her how I
felt.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN (O.C.)
So you finally grew some sac, huh?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
The peppermint Schnapps helped a
bit, too.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
Wait, tell me this isn't just a
drunken hookup?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Believe me, it wasn't.
                                                            

51.

                       KIERNAN
Well, what did happen?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Well, we're out, we're drinking,
we end up on the roof. And I told
her how I felt. And one thing led
to another.
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
So, am I to assume you guys did
the nasty?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Actually...
                                                            
Julie walks back out, now dressed.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I gotta go now. I have to be at
work in an hour.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Think of me when you ride Jake
Sledge.
                                                            
                       JULIE
That's a promise.
                                                            
Julie kisses Ethan on the cheek and leaves.
                                                            
                       MEL (O.C.)
So you didn't fuck?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Jesus, are you guys in the walls?
                                                            
Mel joins Kiernan, Jared, and Ethan.
                                                            
                       MEL
Well when I cannot get into my
room at night I have to sleep
somewhere.
                                                            

52.

                       ETHAN
Well maybe you can find some
solice in the fact the you weren't
sexiled.
                                                            
                       MEL
I wasn't?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
We were both alittle drunk, and
that it wasn't the right time to
do something. But when the time
come we will know it.
                                                            
                       MEL
You had performance anxiety didn't
you?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh yeah.
                                                            
                       JARED
Performance anxiety? PERFOMANCE
ANXIETY?! Did you know when they
were filming Return of the Jedi in
1982, Alec Guinness was recovering
from eye surgery, and the doctors
said, "No, Sir Alec! The bright
lights could do irreprable damage
to your retinas!". Did Sir Alec
pussy out, tuck his tail between
his legs, go home, and watch the
Criterion Laserdisc edition of
Lawrence of Arabia? NO! He gutted
it out and explained to Mark
Hammill just how Darth Vader was
his father? DID YOU HAVE TO TELL
JULIE DARTH VADER WAS HER
FATHER??? HUH? DID YOU???? LOOK AT
ME WHEN I'M SPEAKING TO YOU!
                                                            
                       KIERNAN
How to explain this to the likes
of you...Okay, you know how Luke
Skywalker uses his lightsaber
effortlessly?
                                                            

53.

                       JARED
Yeah...because he's a Jedi Master.
                                                            
                       MEL
Right. Now, imagine you're just a
Padawan learner. You can barely
turn your lightsaber on, and
you're being forced to engage in a
deadly duel with Darth Bane on the
Sith graveyard planet of Korriban.
How would you feel?
                                                            
Cut to close up of Jared's face. He ponders this, as
lightsaber noises and the Star Wars theme blare in the
background. Suddenly, the Star Wars noise is replaced with
the heavy bass of porno music. Jared's face lights up like
the proverbial light bulb went up over his head.
                                                            
                       JARED
Oooh, I gotcha.
                                                            
A beat, then:
                                                            
                       JARED
Fag.
                                                            
 
EXT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
A title card reads FOUR HOURS LATER.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Ethan is sitting at the computer. Jared can be seen in the
background, dancing spastically. As Ethan types, the phone
sitting on the desk rings. Ethan picks it up.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Ahoy hoy.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR (V.O.)
Hello...Patrick.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Who's this?
                                                            

54.

                       DIRECTOR (V.O.)
This is Raul...Raul O'Hannigan. We
met at my studio. You
auditioned...
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh yeah! I saw your heiney!
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR (V.O.)
You and most of the eastern
seaboard. Anyway, Mia Amore asked
me to give you a call. She asked
for you to pick her up, she had
some car trouble.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh, sure. I'll be there soon.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR (V.O.)
Listen, Mr. Duffy. I need your
help. These people...they don't
know how to fuck half is well as
you. You were rough, but you had
potential.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'm hanging up.
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR (V.O.)
Oh, I'll be frank: I need you! I
haven't felt this stirring in my
loins since I met Lexington
Steele.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Goodbye.
                                                            
Ethan hangs up the phone, but as it descends, we hear:
                                                            
                       DIRECTOR (V.O.)
You can be Garfield and I'll be
Odie! Please...click.
                                                            
Ethan turns to Jared.
                                                            

55.

                       ETHAN
Hey Jared...Jared...JARED!!!
                                                            
Jared throws off his headphones as the camera pulls back to
reveal that Jared was playing Dance Dance Revolution and
wasn't, in fact, having a seizure.
                                                            
                       JARED
Aww man, I was getting a Triple A
on Exotic Ethnic set to
Catastrophic!
                                                            
                       ETHAN
I'm going to pick Julie up from
work. I'll be back later.
                                                            
                       JARED
Oh, okay. Remember, Obi-Wan has
taught you well, but you are not a
Jedi yet.
                                                            
 
INT. BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Ethan Pulls up in front of the studio to pick up Julie. She
is standing outside on the sidewalk. Ethan pulls in front of
her and stops. Julie leans in the open window.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Would you like to party for an
hour sailor?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Uh...uh what...I was told to
uhh...
                                                            
                       JULIE
It's called humor Ethan...you did
use to have it.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (nervously)
Psssh, I knew it, I was just
playing along hehehehehe.
                                                            
Julie Gets into car. Ethan drives off.
                                                            
 

56.

INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
Ethan In the driver seat. Julie in the passenger seat. we
see them from behind.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
So who did you do today?
                                                            
Ethan Laughs
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Oh, well, my day was just
insane...there was this, uh, Fresh
Prince Marathon on TV Land...we
had pizza rolls, it was a regular
flop house.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I'm sorry I missed it.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
But that sound you described, I
might've heard that coming from
Jared when there was a commerical
for the Battlestar Galactica DVD
set.
                                                            
Julie fixes her hair in the mirror.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
      (condescedning)
Sorry I missed your day, too.
Sounds like a hoot.
                                                            
                       JULIE
What does that mean?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Well...you got pounded.
                                                            
Julie smacks Ethan in the back of the head.
                                                            
                       JULIE
      (angry)
Asshole!
                                                            

57.

                       ETHAN
I mean, I just wish I had...well,
not been there for it, but...I
just missed you today is all.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Look, I know you can't possibly be
a huge fan of what I do. But I'm a
big girl, Ethan. It's my job,
that's all it is. I don't need a
knight in shining armor, remember?
And I don't go down to your job
and mock Hot Dog Harry, do I?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Hey, that man in the rubber
sausage suit is like a father to
me!
                                                            
                       JULIE
I love you, you know that?
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Yeah, I know. I love you too.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Good. Now, take me to Donna's
Discount Dildos.
                                                            
                       ETHAN
Buh?
                                                            
                       JULIE
I meant Popeye's. I need chicken,
stat.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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