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Lost in the Past
by Big C (garfieldgoofytaz@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
A man gets lost in the past. What more is there to say? I really wish oyu would read this people.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



LOST IN THE PAST

FADE IN:

INT. FRANKLIN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN, around forty years old, but looks young for his
age comes walking down the stairs dressed and ready for work
and sees THEODORE, his seventeen year-old roommate, watching
television.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What are you watching?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (singing)
The Wiggles. Wanna join me?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Maybe later. I got to get to work.
                                                            
Franklin exits while Theodore starts freak dancing while
singing to The Wiggles.
                                                            
EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE/FREEWAY/OUTSIDE OF WORK
                                                            
Franklin leaves in his 1990 Black Mustang GT convertible and
heads on tho the freeway. He turns on the radio to where you
can hear Britney Spears', 'Oops, I Did It Again'. He rocks
out to the music and a huge BLACK GUY drives up right next
to him while Franklin is singing. The man stares at Franklin
and Franklin stops singing looking back at the guy. The guy
turns on his own radio as the song ends and on both radios,
Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' and both of them start
singing in high-pitched voices. They go through the chorus
and Franklin exits the freeway as the black guy continues on
singing. He drives up to his own firm in Los Angeles and on
the side of the building it reads, "Franklin Glander's Firm,
12721 Garfield St. Los Angeles, CA." He exits his car and
takes the elevator to the very top floor of the building.
The elevator doors open up and he walks through a bunch of
other lawyers at their desks frantically working. He walks
through with a serious look on his face, ready to get to
business. He grabs his mail off his secretary's desk and
enters his gigantic dome office. He sits down at his desk
about to go over some papers when his secretary, JORDAN,
buzzes in on his telephone. He pushes a button to turn it
on.
                                                            
                       JORDAN
A Mr. Richards is on the other
line.
                                                            

2.

                       FRANKLIN
Let him through.
                                                            
The screen is split showing Franklin and showing MR.
RICHARDS playing golf in a yellow dress.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
Franklin my boy. How's it been?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Pretty good sir. How about you?
What's this call all about?
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
One of the manila files that you
picked up off of your secretary's
desk is a raping case. Find it.
                                                            
Franklin goes searching on top of his desk removing a
Playboy magazine, a Playgirl magazine, an Animal Abuse
magazine, a Masturbation for Dummies, and finally finds the
manila folder that reads Raping Case in bold.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I have found the case. Now what?
                                                            
Mr. Richards swings and hits the ball while Franklin was
searching for the folder. He sinks the ball in as a hole in
one.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
HELL YA BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT!!
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (sighs)
Mr. Richards. Are you playing golf
in your pink dress again?
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
      (walking to next
       hole)
Pink? Hell no. That's Monday's
color. Today's Thursday. It's
yellow.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I don't really care what day is
your pink or purple or yellow or
whatever dress day it is for you.
What's with the manila folder?
                                                            

3.

                       MR. RICHARDS
The manila folder holds an
important case I need you to
handle. I want only the best of
the best of the best. The case is
about a man by the name of David
Gonzalez who has been claimed to
rape a woman by the name of Judie.
Oh yeah, they have a little dog
named Panuki.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Panuki? What does a little dog by
the name of Panuki have anything
to do with the raping case?
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
Nothing. He's just a cute little
Chihuahua dog. He kind of reminds
me of the Taco Bell dog who always
said "Tu madre es muy gordo y
feo". You remember that?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yes, but that's not what the dog
said. He said "Yo quiero Taco
Bell".
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
Yo quiero Taco Bell? Really. If he
said that, then what the hell did
I say?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Your mother is very fat and ugly.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
You bastard.
                                                            
Mr. Richards hangs up and hits another ball. The screen
focuses on him as the ball hits some guy on a bridge in the
head. The guy flips over the bridge and lands on someone
driving a go-kart with a passenger on his side. The guy
driving crashes into a tree all three blow up. Mr. Richards
grabs another ball from his bag.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
      (to comrades also
       in dresses)
I'm gonna take another shot.
                                                            
The screen cuts back to Franklin holding the manila file
open in his hand reading the contents aloud.
                                                            

4.

                       FRANKLIN
Judie was a hot sexy babe with
absolutely nothing wrong with her
sexy body and luscious tits. She
was the most gorgeous virgin in
the entire world. That is, until
David got hold of her and raped
the shit out of her. Fucking
David. If he didn't touch that,
goddammit I would have. Anyway...
                                                            
Franklin's phone beeps and he clicks it on to hear Jordan's
voice on the other end.
                                                            
                       JORDAN
Mr. Glander. You have a call.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Take a message.
                                                            
                       JORDAN
It's Theodore sir.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Goddammit. Put him through.
                                                            
The entire conversation is done in a split-screen.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (on other line)
Hey Franklin, how's it going?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What did you do?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
What makes you think I did
anything?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You never call unless you did
something.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Right. When you mix a bunch of
food ingredients together and
stick them in the microwave, is it
supposed to bubble?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (wide-eyed)
Why the hell did you that?
                                                            

5.

                       THEODORE
I was hungry.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I want you to take those things
out immediately.
                                                            
Theodore tries, but CHEWY, Franklin's Siberian Husky, is
standing right behind Theodore and growls. Theodore jumps
back thinking it was the microwave that growled.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
It growled at me.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
It growled at you? Microwaves do
not growl. Stay where you are. I'm
coming home as quick as possible.
                                                            
Franklin rushes out into the elevator. The elevator reaches
the bottom floor and as the doors open, Franklin sprints
through the entranceway and trips, flying through one of the
glass doors. A WORKER tries to help him up, but Franklin
brushes him away as he gets up and rushes out to his car and
drives away.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN OF HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Theodore looks around suspiciously. He stares at Chewy, who
tilts his head up at him. Then Theodore opens the fridge
door and grabs a beer. He pops it open and starts chugging
it as Franklin rushes through the door. Theodore gags and
chucks the beer out the open window. It hits a cat who meows
as loud as possible and walks into the middle of a road. A
car screeches to a halt as one right behind it hits the car
and flips over onto the cat. The screen goes back to
Franklin and Theodore in the kitchen.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Why in the world would you do
something this stupid? Are you
stupid? I know you was beat as a
kid, but...
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Please don't talk about my
childhood. I had some real bad
memories and I don't want to go
through that again.
                                                            

6.

                       FRANKLIN
I'm sorry. You know I am. But
seriously! Why would you do
something like this?
                                                            
Theodore shrugs and Franklin gives him an angry look. Then
Franklin opens the microwave door with food exploding
everywhere in the kitchen and in the living room. Chewy
starts licking what he can off the floor. Franklin slowly
turns to Theodore and wipes off food from his eyes glaring
directly at Theodore.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm going to go take a shower and
get back to work. I want this
place spotless by the time I get
back or else.
                                                            
Franklin runs out back in front of a window and sprays
himself down with a garden hose. He runs off and the sound
of his car is heard as he takes off. Theodore goes to the
bottom cupboard underneath the kitchen sink and grabs a
bucket and a sponge. He fills the bucket with water and soap
and begins to clean the room. It fades into Theodore lying
on the couch with a pot in his arms, sleeping with Chewy on
top of him also sleeping. Franklin walks in through the
front door and heads straight for the stairs. He goes up the
stairs and into his bedroom, changing into his pajamas. He
grabs a blanket and goes back downstairs covering Theodore
up with his blanket. Then Franklin heads into his bar and
grabs a bottle of wine. He pops it open and throws the cap
into the trash. He moves over to his fireplace gazing up at
a picture of himself and Theodore. Then he leans down on one
of his dragon statues. The fireplace spins around to where
Franklin is in a hallway with knight statues lined up on the
side walls. At the very end of the hallway is a large wooden
door.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell is this place?
                                                            
Franklin heads down the hallway, peering up and down looking
at strange writings all over the wall. The ceiling is too
high to be seen. He looks at each tin knight statue admiring
the craftmanship of each. He reaches the end of the hallway
and peers up at the huge door standing in front of him. He
pushes on it once and it swings open. He walks into a
completely dark room as the door slams shut directly behind
him. Then two lights come out of nowhere and shine on two
objects sitting on two different podiums directly in front
of him. One being the most largest diamond in the world and
the other being some kind of weird object that looks like a

7.

controller. The light on the weird object leaves and slowly
shines it up on Franklin until it's on his face.
                                                            
INT. FRANKLIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (to man with a
       spotlight)
Could you take the light off me
goddamit? It's hurting my eyes.
                                                            
The man with spotlight shines it back onto the object.
Franklin creeps up to the device and stares at it. He
reaches out with both hands to pick it up, but is
interrupted by a large VOICE from up above.
                                                            
                       VOICE
You do not want that device.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (looking up)
What the...Is that...Is that you
James Earl Jones?
                                                            
                       VOICE
Yes it is. As I was saying...
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Could I have an autograph?
                                                            
                       VOICE
No you may not have an autograph.
As I was saying, you do not...
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I can't see you James. Could you
come down here so I can see your
face?
                                                            
                       VOICE
No. Now shut up and listen. You do
not want that weird device. You
want that huge diamond.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Why?
                                                            
                       VOICE
Because I said so, goddammit!!!
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
But...why?
                                                            

8.

                       VOICE
Simba. Let me tell you something.
Look at the stars. Whenever...
Sorry. Wrong movie.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
It happens to the best of us. So
tell me why I don't want this
device.
                                                            
                       VOICE
Because Luke. I am your father...
God damn it. I said the wrong
thing again.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
This is just stupid. You are not
that bad of an actor. So for the
last freaking time, why don't I
want this damn device?
                                                            
                       VOICE
The diamond is more valuable than
that remote thing. Hey (director's
name), did I say that right...
Good. That's the reason.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Are you sure?
                                                            
                       VOICE
Pretty darn.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Okay. But you know I'm still going
to take this remote thing, right?
                                                            
                       VOICE
Yeah I know... But you will regret
it.
                                                            
Franklin lifts the item off the podium and places it in his
pocket. He leaves the room and is about to exit the hallway,
when every single knight statue comes to life.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (yelling upward)
Are you freaking kidding me James
Earl Jones?! What the hell am I
supposed to do?! You suck ass!
                                                            

9.

Out of nowhere, a sword appears in Franklin's hand. He gets
prepared to fight when a couple of the knights stop moving
and lift up their face plates.
                                                            
                       KNIGHT #1
Could you watch my back? I have a
serious injury on it.
                                                            
                       KNIGHT #2
Yeah and could you be careful of
my hamstrings? I worked them a
little too much last night.
                                                            
                       KNIGHT #3
Yeah and don't forget my feet, I
did a lot of running earlier
today.
                                                            
                       KNIGHT #4
My hands hurt.
                                                            
                       KNIGHT #5
Yeah and my stomach hurts.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (loudly)
Look! If you have any sort of
injury, just go back to where you
were standing and I'll fight the
rest.
                                                            
Every knight except for a Chinese one goes back to where
they were standing. The Chinese knight has Chinese markings
all over its outfit, prepared for battle.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
A Chinese knight? How historically
accurate.
                                                            
The Chinese Knight does flips and acrobatic stuff as he
makes his way to Franklin. Franklin drops his sword and
walks toward the Chinese Knight. The Chinese lands on his
feet directly in front of Franklin as Franklin kicks him
right in the crotch. A sound of balls being rolled in a tin
can is heard as the Knight drops to the floor and Franklin
heads on his way out. He puts the device in his pocket and
pushes down on the dragon as the fireplace spins back
around. He yawns and heads back upstairs landing on his bed
instantly falling asleep. Blue static is formed around him
and then covers his entire body as he disappears with a note
in his place addressed to Theodore.
                                                            
 

10.

INT. LIVING ROOM OF FRANKLIN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Theodore dreams about being in a hot tub as beautiful girls
in bathing suits appear out of nowhere and join him in the
hot tub. Theodore smiles and drinks a beer as one of the
girls swims underwater toward Theodore as if she's giving
him a blowjob. It fades back to Theodore smiling as it fades
to Chewy licking his crotch repeatedly. Theodore slowly
wakes up to see what Chewy is doing and pushes him off. He
runs upstairs into the bathroom to take a major piss and
walks out zipping up his pants. He heads into Franklin's
room to wake him up, but sees the note. He picks the note up
and reads it aloud.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Theodore. I have decided that I am
going to go on vacation and will
not be back for sometime. I want
you to take over my company for me
while I'm gone. The whole office
knows about it and they're
expecting you to come in tomorrow,
not today. Jordan will explain
everything to you when you get
there.
                                                            
Theodore crumples the note in his hand and tosses it in a
trash can in Franklin's room. He locks the door and rushes
back downstairs closing the door behind him. He grabs his
cell phone off the couch and dials a number and then puts
the phone to his ear.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Hey man, what's up? You and your
buddies wanna come over for a
party? Great. Notify everybody.
                                                            
Theodore hangs up and dials another number. The screen fades
showing the whole house with drunks all over the place and a
semi-truck filled with beer in front. The camera scans
through the house showing guys playing beer pong, drinking
contests, etc. to where it finds Theodore taking a beer
bomb, drunk as hell. He screams when he finishes and tries
scrambling his way downstairs only to fall the entire way
straight to his back where another GUY dumps a bottle of
beer on his face and screams with delight, then falls
backward passed out. Theodore slowly gets to his feet and
sees the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen enter from the
backyard glass door heading straight for the front door.
Theodore tries to scream at her, but stumbles over the
passed out guy landing face first on the ground. He jumps
immediately onto his feet and runs after the girl. He

11.

catches up with her outside on the front lawn, puts his hand
on her shoulder and spins her around.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Hey there darling. Why you leaving
the party?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Because I'm tired and bored and
Mr. Franklin Glander isn't here.
Plus, there are way too many
drunks in that house.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
What?! There's no drunks in that
house.
                                                            
Theodore turns around to see a couple of guys dancing on the
roof. One of them jumps off and lands on his back on the
ground with a nasty thud and loud crack that can be heard.
He lies there motionless.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I think that guy's dead.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
He's not dead. He's just playing
around. Speaking of playing, what
say you and I go play a little
upstairs? Huh? Huh? Heh Heh.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I think I'll pass on that offer.
If you'll please excuse me, I need
to get home.
                                                            
Monica turns around to leave as Theodore puts his hand on
her shoulder to pull her back. She grabs his arm and flips
him over her shoulder. He quickly gets up facing the wrong
way. He turns around to face Monica and she kicks him right
in the crotch. He moans and falls to his knees grabbing
himself.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I told you I had to leave,
pervert!
                                                            
She kicks him in the face as he goes flying backwards on his
back. She walks over to a Porsche where she gets in and
drives away. Theodore slowly stands up and walks slowly back
to the house. He continues his way through the house and
walks upstairs still grabbing his crotch. He unlocks
Franklin's bedroom door and walks in closing the door behind

12.

him. He gets on top of Franklin's bed and falls asleep still
holding his crotch.
                                                            
EXT. RAINFOREST - DAY
                                                            
Franklin wakes up on top of a pile of leaves. He yawns and
sits straight up. He opens his eyes coming face to face with
a TRICERATOPS. He screams like a little girl and jumps to
his feet backing away a couple of yards from the dinosaur.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (to himself)
What in the world!? This can't be
possible. You're a freaking
dinosaur. Dinosaurs are dead,
aren't they?
      (to dinosaur)
Are you dead?
      (back to himself)
What the hell am I asking him for?
He can't answer me. He's not even
real. He looks real though. What
the hell is happening to me?! Is
this a dream?! If it is, this is
definitely the most realistic
dream I have ever been in.
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
You know...I can hear you.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Holy shit! Now he can speak. Am I
crazy? I'm so confused.
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
Me too.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Shut up! You're not real! You're
not real! You're not real!
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
Frankly, I am. And if you don't
believe me, just look around.
                                                            
Franklin slowly turns around. When he's fully turned, his
eyes get as huge as ever and his mouth hangs open. Dinosaurs
are roaming all over the place. They're eating, drinking,
flying, fighting, etc. Franklin screams like a little girl
and runs toward the lake. He hits something and falls on his
back. A STEGOSAURUS backs up out of the water and poops on
Franklin. Franklin gets up completely covered in Stegosaurus

13.

poop. He wipes away some from his face and groans. The
Stegosaurus turns around and looks at him.
                                                            
                       STEGOSAURUS
Sorry about that my good man.
Here, let me rinse you off.
                                                            
The Stegosaurus wraps his tail around Franklin and dips his
entire body into the lake. Then he pulls him out and places
him on the ground in front of him. Franklin is drenched, but
there's no sign of poop on him.
                                                            
                       STEGOSAURUS
There ya go mate. All clean.
                                                            
Franklin screams at the Stegosaurus and then runs over to
the Triceratops. He screams at the Triceratops and
accidentally runs head-first into a tree.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (groaning)
Owwwwwww.
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
      (above FRANKLIN)
Are you all right?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm good. I'm good.
      (looks up)
Get away from me!
      (gets up)
What the hell is going on here? I
wanna go home. Can I please wake
up now?
                                                            
Franklin slaps himself in the face a couple of times before
his pocket starts glowing blue and vibrates. Franklin
reaches down and pulls out the weird controller thing. On
the main screen is a message. Franklin reads it out loud.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What's happening to you is really
funny, if you ask me. You are
stuck in the past for a certain
amount of time. You have that time
to figure out how you are to
escape from the past. If you
can't, well you're screwed and you
will be lost forever. Also, you
will transport to different past
events at random so be prepared.
Have a great time. Sincerely,
            (MORE)

14.

                       FRANKLIN (cont'd)
Voice.
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
What exactly does that mean?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (putting device
       back in pocket)
Fuck you James Earl Jones.
                                                            
Franklin walks over to a tree and sits down leaning on the
trunk. The Triceratops walks over and stands right next to
him.
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
I don't mean to interrupt your
thinking or whatever, but it's
almost night time and that's when
the T-Rex's come out for a bite to
eat.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
T-Rex's?
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
Yes. They come around at night
only.
                                                            
Franklin quickly gets off the ground and jumps on the
Triceratops back.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Could you take us out of here
before we get eaten?
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
No problem.
                                                            
The Triceratops walks toward the sun as the sun is setting.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You truly are real, aren't you?
                                                            
                       TRICERATOPS
Apparently since you are on my
back and I am giving you a ride to
safety.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I just can't believe it.
                                                            

15.

The device starts glowing and vibrating again. He pulls it
out of his pocket and starts reading it.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Sorry to interrupt you, but if you
want to make it back home, you
better start believing, or you'll
be stuck there forever. Bye now.
Voice...
      (growls)
You bastard.
                                                            
Franklin places the device in his pocket as the Triceratops
keeps walking. It looks like they're are walking through the
horizon when the Triceratops rips through what seems to be
wallpaper. They wind up in Jurassic Park as the sign above
them reads, "Welcome to Jurassic Park" Underneath it in
small says, "Unless you are Sam Neill, Jeff Goldblum, or
Laura Dern, you will die like Samuel L. Jackson and Wayne
Knight. Enjoy your trip."
                                                            
EXT. JURASSIC PARK - NIGHT
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Jurassic Park? Are you kidding me?
This is a transportation through
the past?
                                                            
They walk into the park and look around. It's raining and
they're getting drenched from head to toe. Out of nowhere,
the Jurassic Park jeep drives by and right behind them a
T-REX. The T-Rex stops and turns and looks at the
Triceratops and Franklin and starts speaking with a British
accent.
                                                            
                       REX
Excuse me my good chap, but you do
remind me of those creatures in
that vehicle. I'm really hungry
and they're smelling really good.
Could you help me catch them?
                                                            
Franklin doesn't speak, but just stares up at the T-Rex in
utter shock. Little noises come from the back of his throat,
but no words.
                                                            
                       REX
C'mon chap. I haven't all day.
Plus, I'm not going to eat you or
your friend there. Triceratops are
bad for my teeth and you smell
like shit. So could you please
help me?
                                                            

16.

                       FRANKLIN
      (squeaking)
Sure. You go through this area and
you'll meet up with them.
                                                            
The T-Rex sprints in the way that Franklin pointed out as
the Triceratops faints on top of Franklin's body. Franklin
lets out a moan and groan of pain. He tries pushing the
Triceratops off, but nothing works. Then the device begins
buzzing in his pocket. He can't reach to grab it as blue
static begins to form and covers his entire body. He
disappears as the camera fades to Theodore in Franklin's bed
sleeping.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM OF FRANKLIN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Theodore gets out of bed and opens his door. He walks down
the stairs with people passed out all up and down the
stairs. The entire living room is trashed with a bunch of
people lying all over the place completely wasted. He walks
over to the kitchen and pulls out a carton of milk, drinks
from it, and puts it back. He heads back upstairs and takes
a shower and then comes out with a towel around his waste
and then brushes his teeth. He goes to his room and gets on
jeans, a t-shirt, a black jacket, and a black beenie. He
heads back downstairs and opens up the laptop sitting next
to the fireplace. Inside the fireplace is a man crouched
into it. Theodore goes to 'www.maidsforsale.com' and buys
three Mexican maids. He puts in for them to start work
today. He closes the laptop and leaves the house locking the
door behind him. The guy who jumped off the roof is still
lying in the exact same spot as the day before, not moving.
Theodore stops to look at him.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Maybe he is dead.
                                                            
Theodore shrugs his shoulders and gets in Franklin's Mustang
and leaves. He gets on the freeway and turns on some N*SYNC
music. The same black guy that sang with Franklin pulls up
next to Theodore and starts making sexual gestures and sings
to the same song as Theodore is listening to for he has the
same thing playing. Theodore joins in and they sing a duet
for a while on the freeway until Theodore leaves on his exit
and parks at Franklin's office. He enters the building and
then enters the elevator going to the very top floor. He
sings with the music playing in the elevator until the door
opens and he goes completely silent. He walks through the
aisle with everyone saying "Good morning Mr. Baldabosh" and
each time he replies with a grunt. He enters Franklin's
office and plops himself down on the chair behind it and

17.

lets out a deep breath as Jordan walks into the office with
a bunch of papers in hand.
                                                            
 
INT. FRANKLIN'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (moaning)
What are those?
                                                            
                       JORDAN
These are the papers to the rape
case that you have been assigned
to by Mr. Glander.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Speaking of which, do you know
where Franklin went?
                                                            
                       JORDAN
No, but I do know that you are
also paired up with a partner on
this case. A new recruit named
Monica Young.
                                                            
Theodore stands up as the door opens to the office. Monica
walks in and glares at Theodore. Theodore gulps down his
spit and slowly grabs his crotch and sits back down in his
chair for safety.
                                                            
                       JORDAN
Monica, this is Mr. Baldabosh. Mr.
Baldabosh, Monica.
                                                            
Monica and Theodore shake hands pretending they never met
each other before.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Hello Mr. Baldabosh.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Hey Jordan? Could you give us a
minute please?
                                                            
Jordan takes the papers from her hand and places them on top
of the desk. She then walks out of the office closing the
door behind her. Monica leans over the desk glaring at
Theodore and Theodore leans back in fear. She growls and
stands up straight as Theodore straightens himself in the
chair.
                                                            

18.

                       THEODORE
So it looks like we're partners
now.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I guess so.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
You wanna sit?
                                                            
Monica growls inside her throat and takes the seat next to
the desk. As she does this, Mr. Richards comes rushing in
and slams his hands down on top of the desk.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
She was murdered.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
What?
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
She was murdered.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Who the hell are you?!
                                                            
Mr. Richards takes a seat next to Monica and strraightens
out his suit.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
I'm John Richards, the one who
gave you the raping case.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I wasn't given a case. That was
Franklin. I'm Theodore. You must
have us confused.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
I know that. I too was informed
that Franklin would be taking a
vacation. I was also informed that
his roommate would be taking over
the firm while he was gone. Aren't
you him?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Yes...That's me. So who was it
that was killed?
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
Judie, the client, was killed.
Stabbed through the heart. I need
you two to figure out who killed
            (MORE)

19.

                       MR. RICHARDS (cont'd)
her.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What? We're not detectives. We're
lawyers. We fight in a courthouse,
not in the street. We can't do
anything to find the killer. All
we can do is hope that the killer
is found and then we can take care
of it in the courtroom. You'll
have to take this up with the
feds.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
The feds are shit. I'm asking you
two to do this. Get your hands
dirty a little. Franklin already
accepted this case and since
you've taken over for Franklin
you've accepted it too. And since
you, Monica, are teamed up with
Theodore you have also taken this
case. So...in a way you do have to
do this. I really need you guys
to. I have a feeling that David
Gonzalez killed Judie and I need
you two to prove it. If you do you
will each have half-a-million
dollars in your bank accounts.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
A half-a-million?
                                                            
                       MONICA
For both of us?
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
Yes. You will each receive
five-hundred thousand dollars...if
you accept...and if you succeed.
                                                            
Mr. Richards stands up in his chair and stretches a little.
He then obviously pulls out a wedgie.
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
      (softly)
This thong is really riding my
asshole.
      (aloud)
Sorry about that. But if you'll
excuse me, I have a golf
tournament today.
                                                            

20.

Mr. Richards leaves with his shirt hanging out of his pants
and the back of a banana hammock being seen as he scratches
his butt and leaves closing the door behind him.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Well. I'm up for the job. I could
definitely use a half-million
dollars. You up for it?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Hmmmm...I guess so.
                                                            
Theodore gets up from his chair and nods toward the door.
Monica nods in response and walks toward it with Theodore
right behind her. They exit closing the door behind them,
but are stopped by Jordan.
                                                            
                       JORDAN
      (holds out two
       badges)
Here. Take these.
                                                            
Theodore and Monica grab the badges from Jordan. They look
at their badges that read C.S.I. They put them into their
pockets and head down in the elevator together. They walk
out to the parking lot where they take separate ways to
their own cars. Theodore turns around to see Monica standing
in front of her Porsche. He quickly decides to ride with her
and runs over to her car and slides over the hood to the
other side. He falls flat on his face and groans in pain.
Monica shakes her head and gets inside the driver's side.
Theodore gets up rubbing his face in pain and gets in on the
passenger side. He puts on his seat belt as Monica turns the
car on and puts on tunes as she zooms out of the parking
lot.
                                                            
 
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Franklin awakes inside the Green Room of the White House. He
looks around in awe and confusion. He scratches his head a
couple of times in wonder. He's covered up to his neck by a
large green comforter and a large green pillow is in place
where his head was. He blinks several times and rubs his
eyes trying to "wake up" from his dream. He opens them and
sighs realizing that it's all real.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell is going on. And
where the hell am I?
                                                            
A French MAID dressed in an old-fashioned maid dress,
black-and-white, walks in with a tray of hot tea and two

21.

glasses. She sees Franklin and screams at the top of her
lungs throwing the tray up in the air. The tray lands upside
down on top of the bed with the hot tea spilling all over
Franklin's crotch. He screams in mimic of the Maid and jumps
out of bed holding his crotch and drying it off witht the
blanket. He then realizes that he is in nothing but his
boxers and quickly hides back underneath the covers.
                                                            
                       MAID
      (with French
       accent)
Where is Mr. Truman? And who the
hell are you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Mr. Truman?
                                                            
                       MAID
Yes Mr. Truman. Where is he? And
again, who are you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
When you say Truman, do you mean
Harry Truman? As in the President
Harry Truman.
                                                            
                       MAID
No. He's only the vice president.
Now for the last time, where is
he? And who are you and why are
you in Mr. Truman's room?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I don't know where the hell he is
and I don't need to tell you who I
am. Now can you please give me a
towel? I'm drenched in hot tea.
                                                            
Franklin gets out of his bed and moves over to the Maid to
get a towel from her. She screams and quickly kicks him in
the crotch. He groans and falls to the floor holding
himself. She curses at him in French and spits on him. Then
she leaves the room. Franklin rubs himself a little and gets
up to his feet. He moans in pain and then hears voices from
around the corner. He panics and quickly runs out of his
room down a hallway. He turns the corner into the Study. He
looks around in awe. He walks over to the books and reads
that they all have to deal with sexual intermission. He
takes one out reading, "The Top Two-Hundred Sex Positions"
about to read it when a secret passage opens into the room
where he is. He quickly drops the book and rushes back out
of the room. he runs down the hallway and takes another turn
into the room of Mass Destruction. Around him are many

22.

objects dealing with blowing things up including a map on
the wall with "BOMB" written everywhere except the U.S., a
picture of Sputnik blowing up, Charlie Chaplin with a
machine gun gunning down Hitler with a caption reading "You
stole my look you bastard", etc. In the middle of the room
is a model ship inside a fish tank floating on the water.
The Nazi symbol is stamped across all over the boat.
Franklin carefully creeps close and accidentally steps on a
red button. He gulps and exits out of the room as three
beeps are heard and the entire room blows up. He gulps and
continues running down the hall where he takes a turn to
enter another room but trips and stumbles into the Oval
Office where FDR is sitting.
                                                            
                       FDR
Who the hell are you? And why the
hell are you naked?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (staring in awe)
You're Franklin Roosevelt.
                                                            
                       FDR
I know that. Now who the fuck are
you and why the fuck are you in my
presence naked?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I woke up in the Green Room like
this. One of your maids spilled
hot tea on me. I heard voices from
the outside so I headed out...
                                                            
                       FDR
Was it the French maid?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What?
                                                            
                       FDR
Was it the French maid who spilled
the tea on you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yes it was. Why?
                                                            
                       FDR
It don't matter why. I'm the
fucking President of the fucking
United States you jackass. But
aside from that...that French maid
is one hot piece of ass.
                                                            

23.

                       FRANKLIN
What? Your Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Why the hell are you talking like
this. You're supposed to be an
icon to the people.
                                                            
                       FDR
I am an icon to the people you
asshole. I can act however the
fuck I please. I'm the President
bitch. And besides, are the people
in here? Are they? Hell no. So
fuck off dipshit. Get out of my
office.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I apologize for that sir. Allow me
to informally introduce myself. My
name is Franklin Glander. I am an
admirer of yours.
                                                            
                       FDR
Your name is Franklin?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yes sir.
                                                            
                       FDR
Well I'll be damned. My name is
Franklin too. Put it
there...Franklin.
                                                            
Franklin eyes FDR in suspicion and confusion. He reaches out
his hand and meets with FDR's hand in a handshake. FDR then
motions for Franklin to sit. Franklin does such and takes a
cup of coffee from FDR. FDR takes his own cup and gulps down
the entire cup in one gulp. He finishes as the steam can be
seen coming out of FDR's mouth. Franklin eyes in confusion
and sips from his own cup.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
If you don't mind my asking
sir...what's the date today?
                                                            
                       FDR
April 12, 1945. Why do you ask?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
April 12? In 1945? Wasn't that the
year that you...
                                                            
                       FDR
The year that I what?
                                                            

24.

                       FRANKLIN
Never mind sir.
                                                            
                       FDR
Hey. I am the fucking President of
the United States. You tell me
what you were thinking or I'll...
                                                            
FDR cuts himself off as a sick look is expressed upon his
face. Franklin pants in fear as FDR groans in pain and leans
over in his chair grasping his stomach. He lets out a final
moan as he sits up straight and then falls backward with his
head resting on air and his arms hanging to his sides.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Holy shit. He's dead. FDR
died...in front of me. But that
doesn't make sense. He's supposed
to die in Warm Springs, Georgia.
Not D.C. What the hell just
happened?
                                                            
A long nasty wet fart can be heard from FDR's direction.
Once finished, FDR sits back upright and laughs
hysterically. At first Franklin doesn't understand and
starts to build into laughter. He finally joins FDR sitting
there laughing their heads off.
                                                            
                       FDR
Man that was a good one.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yes it was sir. Good one.
      (sniffs the air)
And smelly as hell too.
      (waves hand in
       front of nose)
That's gross and very disgusting.
Man that wreaks.
                                                            
                       FDR
That means it was good. Now...as
we were saying. What was it you
were talking about before?
                                                            
Before Franklin could answer him TRUMAN walks in dressed in
complete black including black glasses and black gloves. He
pulls a gun out of his waistband and shoots FDR in the head.
FDR drops to the floor dead as Franklin looks in around in
complete terror. Truman takes off his gloves and tosses them
to his TWO SECRET SERVICE MEN. They take the gloves and puts
them in their pockets and walks over to FDR's body and picks

25.

him up by the feet and arms. They carry him over to Truman
waiting for instructions.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
That son of a bitch finally died.
Took his ass long enough.
Unfortunately I had to kill him
though.
      (to S.S.)
You two. Take his body to Warm
Springs, Georgia. Bribe one of the
doctors with half-a-million
dollars to tell the public that he
died of cerebral hemorrhage.
                                                            
The Secret Service Men nod and head outside with the body in
their arms. ELEANOR ROOSEVELT walks in dressed in complete
silk and mink. She kisses Truman on the cheek. Truman looks
at her and they begin ravishly making out completely
oblivious to Franklin's presence. He coughs a couple of
times to get their attention but they don't respond.
Franklin looks at the two in disgust and gags a little and
stands up from his chair to confront the two.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Mr. Truman?
                                                            
Truman and Eleanor stop and eye Franklin from head to toe.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Who the hell are you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm Franklin sir.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Franklin? Like Franklin Roosevelt
Jr.? Ah hell no. Security!!! Get
your asses in here and take this
mofo outside and shoot his ass
dead.
                                                            
The same two security officers that took out FDR's body
walks in and goes toward Franklin. They grab Franklin by the
arms and lift him in the air and start to carry him out.
They reach the door before Franklin speaks.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Wait wait wait wait wait. My name
Is Franklin Glander. I'm the new
Secretary of State.
                                                            

26.

                       TRUMAN
      (snaps fingers)
Hold it!!
      (security guards
       stop)
What happened to Edward R.
Stettinius Jr.?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I shot that asshole. I don't trust
nobody under Roosevelt's rule.
Except for you of course.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Hmmmmm. I think I might just like
you. Guards. Release him.
                                                            
The guards do as they're told and drop Franklin on his butt.
They leave the room as Franklin rubs his butt standing back
up. He moves toward Truman and stops in front of him and
holds out his hand to shake. Truman doesn't respond, but
just goes around the desk and sits down eyeing Franklin in
curiosity.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Why in the world are you
half-naked?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I woke up like this. Apparently
someone took my clothes away from
me.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Well...I'm not bothered by it.
Come...have a seat.
                                                            
Franklin does as he is told and goes to sit back down in the
same chair he's been sitting in for awhile. Eleanor follows
behind and moves to sit in Truman's lap. They kiss for about
ten seconds with Franklin turning his head making a
disgusted look on his face. They quit and Franklin turns
back to Truman smiling with his hands in his lap.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
So...how does it feel to finally
be the President.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Damn good son. Damn good.
                                                            

27.

                       FRANKLIN
That's good. So what's first on
your agenda as president?
                                                            
                       ELEANOR
He's gonna bomb the shit out of
those Japs.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Oh...That's nice. How do you plan
on doing that?
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Well...we're testing out these new
giant bombs in New Mexico. We like
to call them...
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Atomic bombs?
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
How the hell did you know that?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm your Secretary of State sir. I
helped plan this sucker out. If
I'm not mistaking we plan on
throwing those bombs on Hiroshima
and Nagasaki.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
You silly sonofabitch. You are one
smart sonofabitch you know that?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Thank you sir. That's a compliment
coming from you sir. And if you
would really like to know some
more information, later this year
in Aug. we plan on bombing
Hiroshima with a giant bomb that I
like to call Little Boy. And a
couple days after that we are
going to bomb Nagasaki with a
smaller one named Fat Man. And we
expect that after we do that Japan
will surrender to us. And then
we'll make them our bitches.
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
That sounds incredible. Once we
bomb Japan I will go down in
history as a great. They might
even put my face on Mount Rushmore
            (MORE)

28.

                       TRUMAN (cont'd)
next to Lincoln's. Wouldn't that
be something.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yes sir. That would be something.
      (Slight pause)
I gotta pee. Do you mind?
                                                            
                       TRUMAN
Not at all son. Go ahead. And put
some clothes on while you're gone.
                                                            
Franklin exits the room and turns left at the door. He
realizes that he doesn't have the traveling device and goes
back to the office to see if it was in there. He stands
outside the door to see Truman and Eleanor undressing each
other making out. Franklin gags and shuts the door. He
swallows down some vomit and turns away and heads down the
hallway to where the Green Room is. He walks down and enters
the Green Room to see that the Maid is sitting on the bed
with her legs crossed and dressed in lingerie.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell? What are you doing
in my room?
                                                            
                       MAID
I want you.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
That's disgusting. Will you please
get out of my room?
                                                            
Franklin points his finger toward the door. The Maid slowly
gets up and walks toward the exit. She crosses Franklin with
her head down. Franklin breathes out as the Maid turns
around and begins to make out with Franklin pushing him on
the bed. Franklin tries screaming and then pushes the Maid
off of him and wipes his mouth sitting up straight on the
bed.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell do you think you're
doing?
                                                            
                       MAID
I want you. I want your whole
body. I wanna dip you in a pool of
jello and whipped cream and lick
it all off. Inch by inch.
                                                            

29.

                       FRANKLIN
Damn you're crazy. Get the hell
out of my room.
                                                            
                       MAID
No! I just want to put you in a
tub of cough syrup and pepto
bismol and suck it off your body.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
That's disgusting...and what
happened to the jello?
                                                            
                       MAID
We'll do that second. And to
finish it all off, we'll cover
ourselves in peanut butter and eat
it all off.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Damn you're crazy. Get the hell
out of my room you crazy woman.
                                                            
                       MAID
      (grabs Franklin's
       crotch)
I will squeeze them until they pop
if you don't go through with this.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You are one crazy son of a...
      (Maid starts
       gripping)
Sooooooo...What's the jello
flavor?
                                                            
                       MAID
Every kind available.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
That sounds delicious. Can I go to
the bathroom first please? Gotta
pee pee.
                                                            
                       MAID
Of course. You go down the hall,
make a left, turn right, make a
u-turn and turn left. Go straight
until you hit a bedroom door and
then make a left, a left, a right,
and then a left.
      (softly)
I'll see you at the pool sexy.
                                                            

30.

Franklin follows the directions given to him. He follows the
Maid's instructions word for word and comes to the bathroom
completely lined with urinals.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I didn't know they had urinals.
                                                            
Franklin begins to take his refreshing pee pee. Then his
butt vibrates and he jumps peeing all over the place. He
aims back in the urinal with one hand and reaches in the
back of his underwear with his other. He pulls the blue
device out of his underwear and looks at it. It's flashing
blue and reading, "Germany, November 8, 1938." Franklin
groans as the blue static takes him away.
                                                            
 
EXT. GERMANY 1938 - NIGHT
                                                            
Franklin wakes up on dirt ground. He slowly gets up groaning
as he does. He looks around seeing that he has no peripheral
vision. He realizes that a helmet is on his head. He takes
it off and looks at the front to see a white Storm Trooper
face from Star Wars. He looks around to see a whole group of
Storm Troopers destroying the city: killing people, burning
houses, beating each other with random objects, and getting
drunk.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell is going on?
                                                            
Franklin continues his look around and sees DARTH VADER in
the middle of the town yelling and barking orders.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell is Darth Vader doing
here?
                                                            
Franklin makes a face and walks up and taps Darth Vader on
the back of his shoulder. Vader turns around, sees Franklin
without his helmet on and starts screaming like mad.
                                                            
                       VADER
What in the name of these Jewish
bastards are you doing? Put your
head back on soldier. That's an
order.
                                                            
Franklin eyes Vader suspiciously but does as he's told
putting his helmet back on.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Um...Vader? I have a question.
                                                            

31.

                       VADER
What is it Private?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Who the hell are you?
                                                            
                       VADER
Who the hell am I? Are you stupid
are something? I am the Sith Lord,
the Leader of the Dark Side, the
Master of the Force, the Father of
the Germans, the Reich of all
Reichs, the Jesus of the German
world. I am Adolf Hitler.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You're Adolf Hitler?
                                                            
                       VADER
Of course I am. What is wrong with
you Private? Don't you recognize
your leader when you see him. You
are all my children...my Storm
Troopers. And I am your Father.
Hitler. Now son...get your lazy
ass out on that battlefield and
kill them damn Jews.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm sorry. I'm not gonna follow
orders from some weird ass
crackhead with a funny mustache
declaring to be my Daddy. My Daddy
died from some other Jew-hating
bastard.
                                                            
                       VADER
No Franklin...I am your Father.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
No...no...That can't be. I wasn't
born in the 1930's. That's
impossible.
                                                            
                       VADER
Search your heart, your feelings,
your mind. You know it is true.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (crying)
Nooooooooooooo. Nooooo.
                                                            

32.

                       VADER
Cmon son. Join me. Join the Dark
Side. We can do great things
together: destroy Jews, blow up
Germans, and other things that
include death of Jews and
destruction. We can do this
together Franklin. Just follow me.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (sobbing)
O...kay. I'll...serve
you...Father.
                                                            
                       VADER
Good choice son. Now get out there
and kill them damn Jews.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Do I seriously have to...Dad? I'm
not sure I trust you.
                                                            
                       VADER
I find your lack of faith
disturbing.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that
way.
                                                            
                       VADER
That's all right my son. Just go
out there and do what you have
been destined to do.
                                                            
Frankin slowly nods his head as Vader slowly pushes him
toward the battlefield. Franklin unlatches his laser from
his belt and goes through town shooting down buildings and
killing everything in sight. It fades into nighttime where
Franklin is sitting around a campfire with other Storm
Troopers, all of them with their helmets off and by their
side.
                                                            
EXT. GERMANY - NIGHT
                                                            
Franklin takes a stick and slowly cooks it in the fire.
TROOPER #1 is throwing some twigs and weeds into the fire as
TROOPER #2 continously stares at Franklin without moving his
eyes. Two other troopers are sleeping on their sides and one
just lying on his back staring at the stars.
                                                            

33.

                       FRANKLIN
Hey there. What brings you guys to
Germany?
                                                            
                       TROOPER #1
We're kind of in a war.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (to TROOPER #2)
What about you?
                                                            
TROOPER #2 signs something.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What? I can't hear you.
                                                            
                       TROOPER #1
Sorry. He's deaf.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
My bad.
                                                            
TROOPER #2 makes a twenty second sign language for wanting
to bang FRANKLIN.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What did he say?
                                                            
                       TROOPER #1
He said he wanted to make love to
you.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Grody. Good night.
                                                            
FRANKLIN lies down and passes out and the scene switches to
MONICA and THEODORE in front of the house out of the
Porsche.
                                                            
 
EXT. OUTSIDE OF HOUSE/CRIME SCENE - DAY
                                                            
THEODORE and MONICA walk into the house showing their
identification cards and walking into the living room with
crap thrown everywhere.
                                                            
INT. LIVING ROOM OF JUDIE - DAY
                                                            
                       THEODORE
What a pigstye. You'd think a girl
would know how to clean up.
                                                            

34.

                       MONICA
She was killed you dumb ass.
                                                            
They walk over to JULIA laying down on top of a couch with
blood surrounding her. She has a knife in her chest.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Damn that sucks.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I know. Think of all her
relatives.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Her relatives? I was more thinking
what a shame it was to kill a body
like that. If she was alive I
would just...
                                                            
THEODORE makes some sex motions for ten to fifteen seconds
and MONICA slaps him upside the head.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Knock that off. We're trying to
solve a case here.
      (to a DETECTIVE)
Did you guys find any love stains?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I would've left my love stains.
                                                            
MONICA slaps THEODORE in the head.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE #1
No love stains were found. We
can't find any sort of clue that
this was a murder. For all we
know, she could've committed
suicide.
                                                            
                       MONICA
But she wouldn't of. Several
different rapes, she wouldn't of
killed herself.
                                                            
MONICA and the DETECTIVE #1 turn away from the body and have
a conversation among one another while THEODORE is caressing
the dead body.
                                                            
                       MONICA
So you can't find anything?
                                                            

35.

                       DETECTIVE #1
Nothing.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
No sign of clothing, hair,
fingerprints, shoe prints, or
whatever?
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE #1
None of that. All we did find was
this male shoe, size 12.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What's a shoe supposed to help
with? It can't prove that she was
raped.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE #1
That's all we could find. No
prints in the shoe or anything.
                                                            
                       MONICA
God damn it. I'll tell you what. I
want everyone out of here and
leave me and my partner alone and
we'll find something.
                                                            
They turn back around to see THEODORE completely making out
with the dead body. MONICA slaps him upside the head and he
shoots straight up.
                                                            
                       DETECTIVE #1
      (yelling)
All right everyone! These two
detectives need their time in here
alone! So everyone needs to get
out for about fifteen to twenty
minutes! Take a coffee break!
                                                            
Everyone including DETECTIVE #1 leaves and MONICA snd
THEODORE are left there with the dead body.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So what exactly is it that we're
looking for?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Anything that will prove that
Judie is innocent.
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE search around and THEODORE is about to
make out with the dead body, but MONICA slaps him and they
continue their search when THEODORE yells.
                                                            

36.

                       THEODORE
I found something!
                                                            
MONICA rushes over.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What is it?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
An unopened pack of Juicy Fruit.
      (takes a piece)
You want one?
                                                            
                       MONICA
You're an idiot.
                                                            
They continue the search when THEODORE yells out again.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I found something!
                                                            
                       MONICA
      (walking over)
It better not be anymore gum.
                                                            
THEODORE picks up a condom with a little bit of white stuff
on it.
                                                            
                       MONICA
You're a genius.
                                                            
MONICA puts the condom in a bag, gives THEODORE a kiss on
the lips, and runs out of the house. THEODORE shakes and
falls to the ground. MONICA runs back and kicks him. He gets
up and they run to the car and drive away.
                                                            
 
EXT. GERMANY - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN wakes up with his shirt off. He looks down and sees
a hand on his crotch. He turns around and sees TROOPER #2 in
nothing but his underwear. He shoots up and TROOPER #2 wakes
up.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Why are you almost naked?
                                                            
TROOPER #2 makes signals for twenty seconds and TROOPER #1
comes into frame?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What did he say?
                                                            

37.

                       TROOPER #1
That he had a good sleep last
night.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Why does my ass hurt?
                                                            
TROOPER #1 shrugs and FRANKLIN shivers and then his pocket
starts to buzz. He pulls out the device and sees one name on
it, "William."
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell does William have to
do with anything?
                                                            
                       TROOPER #1
What was that?
                                                            
FRANKLIN disappears in the blue smoke and the TROOPERS look
at it as if their drunk. TROOPER #2 makes some gestures and
TROOPER #1 responds.
                                                            
                       TROOPER #1
I don't know.
                                                            
They stare at one another for ten seconds and then start to
make out and squeezing each other's butt.
                                                            
INT. OFFICE OF WHITE HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN lands in the middle of a room with HARRISON,
MCKINLEY, TAFT, and CLINTON.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell? William McKinley?
William Harrison? William Taft?
And William Clinton?
                                                            
                       MCKINLEY
William? We aren't Williams my
boy.
                                                            
All four WILLIAMS take a seat.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Who are you then?
                                                            
                       MCKINLEY
We are the Four Willy's.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
The Four Willy's?
                                                            

38.

                       MCKINLEY
Yes sir. I'm Free Willy.
Harrison's Big Willy. Taft is
Little Willy. And Clinton is Hard
Willy.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What? Free, Big, Little, and Hard?
How'd you come up with those
stupid nicknames?
                                                            
                       MCKINLEY
I'm Free Willy because those
movies were awesome.
                                                            
                       HARRISON
I'm Big Willy because I was born
with one.
                                                            
                       TAFT
I'm Little Willy because I was
born with one, and then it
enlarged when I took some pills.
                                                            
                       CLINTON
I'm Hard Willy because I've just
about banged every chick in
Maryland.
      (whispering)
Don't tell anyone.
                                                            
CLINTON laughs his head off for about ten seconds and then
time freezes and CLINTON stares at the camera.
                                                            
                       CLINTON
People of America. I'm sorry. I
did not have sex with that woman.
I wanted to, but I didn't. Just
kidding. I did. But anyway, I am
here to tell you that I am sorry.
Truly. I was drunk when I banged
your wife. Plus, just between me
and you, I kind of gave them each
a little roofie and shrooms.
Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone. And
Hllary. I'm sorry for cheating on
you, but just having sex with one
girl kind of bores me. And plus,
you're pretty old. Just remember
America. Smile.
                                                            
CLINTON gives the camera a big smile and then sits back down
and time starts up again.
                                                            

39.

                       FRANKLIN
How do you all know each other?
                                                            
                       TAFT
We're the Four Willy's. Why
wouldn't we know one another?
                                                            
                       HARRISON
So what brings you to our
presence?
                                                            
The traveling device starts buzzing and he pulls it out of
his pocket to see it read, "ALBERT EINSTEIN."
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
So soon? What the hell am I
supposed to do to escape the past?
God damn it.
                                                            
                       CLINTON
What was that?
                                                            
FRANKLIN disappears and the FOUR WILLY'S shrug. TAFT puts on
some techno music and the four of them start stripping and
dancing as girls with money in their hand come running in
chanting "William."
                                                            
 
INT. EINSTEIN'S LABORATORY - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN gets dropped off in the middle of a laboratory with
millions of vials around. He's dressed in a lab coat and
EINSTEIN walks out with a vial of liquid and poors it into
another vial.
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
Hello there Dr. Glander. It's good
to see you.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
How do you know my name, Einstein?
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
The same way you know mine. I
looked at your name tag.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Riiiighhhht.
                                                            
EINSTEIN heats up a tube and the liquid in it turns black.
He poors it in a vial and holds it in the air.
                                                            

40.

                       EINSTEIN
Eureka!
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What is it Doc?
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
Eureka is just a saying, but
that's not important. What is
important is that I have found
E=Mc2.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
How did you find E=Mc2 with
liquids? Doesn't it mean energy
equals mass times the speed of
light squared in a vaccuum?
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
Yes it does.
                                                            
EINSTEIN drinks the black liquid and he transforms into a
big and ugly white monster. He kind of looks like a giant
hamster.
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
I've done it!
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What's with the Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde shit?
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
I don't know what you mean by
Jekyll and Hyde.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
It doesn't matter. How do we get
you back to normal?
                                                            
                       EINSTEIN
According to my calculations, I
need to release enough gas and I
will turn back into myself.
                                                            
EINSTEIN starts farting and starts shrinking back into his
normal self. FRANKLIN makes disgusting faces and starts
holding his nose and thrashing around. EINSTEIN lets out one
loud, long fart and is back into his normal body. FRANKLIN
uncovers his nose, throws his eyes into the back of his
head, and passes out.
                                                            
 

41.

INT. DIFFERENT LABORATORY - DAY
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE hand over the condom to SCIENTIST #1 and
he puts it through a short DNA testing.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
I need another DNA sample from
whoever you believe this sperm
belongs to.
                                                            
THEODORE starts laughing hysterically.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
You said sperm.
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE leave the laboratory and get into the
Porsche and drive to DAVID'S house. They burst in to see him
playing a Nintendo 64.
                                                            
INT. DAVID'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
                       DAVID
Who the hell are you two?
                                                            
                       MONICA
I'm Monica Young and that's
Theodore Baldabosh. We've come
here to ask you a couple of
questions.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Go ahead.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
First question. Is that Pokemon
Stadium 2?
                                                            
                       DAVID
Yep.
                                                            
THEODORE sits down and picks up a controller and starts
playing with DAVID.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Do you know who Judie is?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Attack Charizard! Kill that
Jigglypuff!
                                                            
                       DAVID
Yeah. I know that psycho bitch.
She tried killing me a few times.
                                                            

42.

                       MONICA
Well that psycho bitch who tried
killing you is now dead.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
God damn it Charizard. Why'd you
let that Jigglypuff kill you? Now
I'll have to bring out Marowak.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Is she really? That sucks.
                                                            
                       MONICA
We believe that you killed her.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Ha. My Marowak killed your stupid
little Jigglypuff and... Oh shit.
You brought out Venusaur.
                                                            
                       DAVID
I didn't kill her.
                                                            
                       MONICA
All I want is a DNA sample.
                                                            
                       DAVID
I'm not gonna give you one.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
God damn it. You killed my
Marowak. Now I'll bring out my
last monster. I choose you
Pikachu. And then... damn it.
Why'd you have to bring out little
Squirtle?
                                                            
                       MONICA
If you don't give us one, we are
authorized to arrest you.
                                                            
                       DAVID
For what? Not giving you a DNA
sample?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Hell ya! Squirtle is dead! Bring
out your Venusaur!
                                                            

43.

                       MONICA
We may not be able to arrest you
for not giving a DNA sample, but
there are other reasons we can
arrest you for.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Like what?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Like the death of Judie.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Solarbeam?! Solarbeam?! You killed
my Pikachu with freakin'
solarbeam?! You sonofabitch!
                                                            
THEODORE punches DAVID in the face. DAVID is about to punch
back when MONICA throws him against the wall with his hands
behind his back and THEODORE stands up.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Give me the cuffs Theodore.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Cuffs? What cuffs?
                                                            
                       MONICA
The handcuffs.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Handcuffs? I don't have any
handcuffs.
                                                            
                       DAVID
What kind of cops are you?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Shut up! Quit playing around and
give me the damn handcuffs.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I don't have any handcuffs!
                                                            
                       MONICA
The hell with it.
      (hits DAVID on
       neck)
Judo CHOP!
                                                            
DAVID falls to the floor unconscious.
                                                            

44.

                       THEODORE
Did you kill him?
                                                            
                       MONICA
No. He's just unconscious. Carry
him out to the car.
                                                            
THEODORE puts DAVID on his shoulders and they leave the
house. He throws DAVID in the trunk and gets in the
passenger seat and MONICA gets in the driver's seat.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Wait a minute.
                                                            
THEODORE runs into the house and comes back out with the
Nintendo 64. He throws it into the back seat.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Drive bitch! Drive!
                                                            
MONICA glares at THEODORE and drives away.
                                                            
 
INT. GETTYSBURG, PENNSYLVANIA-IN A FORT - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN wakes up and stands up and looks around to see
himself in the middle of a group of UNION SOLDIERS. He looks
at his outfit to see that he's dressed like Neo from the
Matrix. One of the SOLDIERS speak.
                                                            
                       SOLDIER #1
Are you a Rebel?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm not a Confederate soldier if
that's what you're asking.
      (pause)
Where am I?
                                                            
                       SOLDIER #1
You're in Gettysburg,
Pennsylvania.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Gettysburg? What year is it?
                                                            
                       SOLDIER #1
It's July 2, 1863.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
1863? We're in the Civil War?
                                                            

45.

A shot is fired through a window and hits SOLDIER #1 in the
head and he drops dead.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell?
                                                            
More shots get fired and a bunch of people keep dropping
from getting shot. SOLDIERS run and grab their muskets and
start shooting back. Another SOLDIER speaks to FRANKLIN.
                                                            
                       SOLDIER #2
If you're not gonna fight, run
away.
      (in a raspy voice)
Run away Simba and never return.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Simba? What the hell are you
talking about?
                                                            
SOLDIER #2 gets shot in the head and dies. FRANKLIN runs
outside on the battlefield and stands there staring at the
CONFEDERATES kicking the crap out of the UNION SOLDIERS.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
This isn't how the battle's
supposed to turn out.
                                                            
FRANKLIN goes through a three to four minute scene of the
Matrix killing every CONFEDERATE SOLDIER in sight. The
SOLDIERS shout "Hazah" a lot and carry FRANKLIN on their
shoulders and randomly throw him into a lake. He climbs out
and passes out next to a fire.
                                                            
EXT. FORD'S THEATRE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN wakes up sitting in a seat at a theater wearing a
tuxedo. Next to him is an empty seat and on the other side
is MAJOR RATHBONE. LINCOLN comes in and sets down next to
him.
                                                            
                       LINCOLN
I've heard a lot about you
Franklin Glander.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Thank you sir.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You sure kicked the ass of those
Confederate soldiers up at
Gettysburg.
                                                            

46.

                       FRANKLIN
I tried my best sir. Um... Where
are we?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Ford's Theatre. Why?
                                                            
Laughter is heard throughout the Theatre and FRANKLIN turns
around to see BOOTHE standing there with a gun in hand. He
shoots LINCOLN in the head and LINCOLN'S head falls forward.
BOOTHE and MAJOR RATHBONE struggle against one another and
BOOTHE slices him with his knife. Then he turns back to
LINCOLN.
                                                            
                       BOOTHE
Yeah bitch. Now you're dead. What
are you gonna do now that you're
dead?
                                                            
DOUGLASS stands up from another booth.
                                                            
                       DOUGLASS
      (yelling)
You son of a bitch! You killed
Lincoln!
                                                            
LINCOLN sits up straight.
                                                            
                       LINCOLN
Actually. I'm not dead.
                                                            
                       DOUGLASS
You son of a bitch! You injured
Lincoln!
                                                            
                       LINCOLN
Actually, it doesn't really hurt.
                                                            
BOOTHE shoots LINCOLN in the head again.
                                                            
                       LINCOLN
Oh shit. I'm dying.
                                                            
                       DOUGLASS
You son of a bitch! You killed
Lincoln.
                                                            
BOOTHE jumps out of the balcony.
                                                            
                       BOOTHE
      (in the air)
Sic semper tyrannis!
                                                            

47.

BOOTHE freezes in mid-air and looks straight at a camera.
                                                            
                       BOOTHE
For all you non-speaking latin
folks, sic semper tyrannis means
thus alway to tyrants.
                                                            
BOOTHE unfreezes and lands on the stage and a nasty crack is
heard throughout the theatre.
                                                            
                       AUDIENCE
      (sickly)
Oooooooo!
                                                            
BOOTHE runs off and FRANKLIN does some kind of gymnastic
trick and lands it perfectly.
                                                            
                       AUDIENCE
      (yelling)
Whooooooooooooooooooo!
                                                            
FRANKLIN runs outside and jumps onto a horse and starts
chasing BOOTHE down the street and to a hospital. BOOTHE
hops off the horse and runs into the hospital and FRANKLIN
follows in after and stops in the hospital to see LEALE
mending BOOTHE's leg.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
God damn it Boothe. Could you
hurry up and get your leg mended?
                                                            
                       BOOTHE
Don't complain to me. This stupid
ass doctor is taking forever.
                                                            
                       LEALE
Done.
                                                            
BOOTHE pays LEALE and scampers away. FRANKLIN is about to
leave, but turns around in front of LEALE.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
How dare you heal the man who
killed Lincoln.
                                                            
FRANKLIN bitch-slaps LEALE and LEALE falls to the ground
stunned. FRANKLIN runs outside onto his horse and starts
chasing down BOOTHE. The screen goes black and on it reads,
"Twelve days later in Virginia" FRANKLIN is still chasing
BOOTHE and BOOTHE stops at a barn and runs in and FRANKLIN
follows behind and corners BOOTHE in a corner of the barn.
FRANKLIN takes out a gun and shoots BOOTHE in the head. The

48.

device starts buzzing and FRANKLIN takes it out and looks at
it. He groans and disappears in blue.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
DAVID is sitting at a table in a room with only MONICA and
THEODORE who are leaning against a wall. They walk over to
DAVID and sit down at the table and SCIENTIST #1 walks in
with a Q-Tip in hand.
                                                            
                       MONICA
We would like that DNA sample now.
If you would please open your
mouth.
                                                            
SCIENTIST #1 takes a DNA sample and leaves.
                                                            
                       MONICA
So David. Tell us about yourself.
                                                            
                       DAVID
What do you want to know?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Where do you buy your Nintendo 64
games?
                                                            
                       DAVID
Game Stop. Why?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
No reason.
                                                            
SCIENTIST #1 bursts into the room and pulls MONICA and
THEODORE out of the room.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
DNA samples don't match. His cheek
DNA doesn't match with the sperm
from the condom.
                                                            
THEODORE starts laughing.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
You said sperm again.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
The DNA may not match exactly, but
it is very very close. Really
close. Which means...
                                                            

49.

                       MONICA
Which means that if he didn't do
it, one of his family members must
have.
                                                            
SCIENTIST #1 hands her a couple of papers.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
On those papers are the names and
address of all the members to
David's family. Get me DNA samples
from all of the males and bring
them back here pronto.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Address? They all live in one
house?
                                                            
SCIENTIST #1 nods his head and he leaves. THEODORE takes the
papers and shoves them in his pocket. THey walk back into
the room and sees DAVID with the biggest grin on his face.
                                                            
                       DAVID
DNA samples don't match?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Nope.
                                                            
                       DAVID
So I'm free to go?
                                                            
                       MONICA
For now.
                                                            
DAVID leaves and MONICA and THEODORE leave in a different
direction.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So what are we going to do?
                                                            
                       MONICA
We're going to this address and
get DNA samples.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (whining)
Tonight?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Yep.
                                                            
THEODORE and MONICA exit outside and leave in the Porsche.
                                                            
 

50.

EXT. BENJAMIN FRANKLIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears at the outside of BENJAMIN's house in the
rain in a thunderstorm. BENJAMIN is tying a key to a kite
and FRANKLIN runs over.
                                                            
                       BENJAMIN
Hello there my boy.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Mr. Benjamin sir. I don' recommend
that you go through with the key
tied to the kite idea.
                                                            
                       BENJAMIN
Could you hold this?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Sure.
                                                            
BENJAMIN hands FRANKLIN the kite. FRANKLIN flies the kite
and has some fun with it until lightning strikes the key.
FRANKLIN gets bug-eyed and blacks out when lightning hits.
BENJAMIN takes him by the feet and drags him into the house.
                                                            
INT. BENJAMIN'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN wakes up and finds himself almost completely naked
and tied to some sort of bed. BENJAMIN walks in with two
lightbulbs in hand.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What am I doing almost completely
naked tied to a bed?
                                                            
                       BENJAMIN
Well, I've been studying
electricity for about seven years
and finally realized that it's
real. But the only way I can light
these bulbs are by your nipples.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What?
                                                            
BENJAMIN places the light bulbs on FRANKLIN's nipples and
they light up as bright as ever.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell?
                                                            
BENJAMIN takes the light bulbs off and places them on a
table.
                                                            

51.

                       BENJAMIN
If there's only some sort of way
where I could keep that sense of
electricity.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What?
                                                            
                       BENJAMIN
There has to be some way where I
can transact the electricity from
your nipples to the whole world.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I have an idea.
                                                            
BENJAMIN lifts an eyebrow and it cuts to BENJAMIN'S living
room looking like Dr. Frankenstein's laboratory. FRANKLIN is
dressed like Dr. Frankenstein.
                                                            
                       BENJAMIN
So what exactly is your plan?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm going to send this lightning
rod through the roof of your
house. When the lightning hits it,
it will travel down the lightning
rod, through the electrical wires
into those giant metal boxes over
there.
                                                            
                       BENJAMIN
What should I do when that's all
over?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I haven't gotten that far yet.
First, the lightning and then
we'll figure out what to do with
the boxes.
                                                            
FRANKLIN starts cranking the lightning rod. He cranks it to
the top and looks over at the metal boxes. He sees them
unconnected and rushes over. He connects them just as
lightning hits the rod and him through the wires. He flies
back and hits a wall unconscious and disappears in blue.
                                                            
 
EXT. GONZALEZ'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE walk out of the Porsche and up to the
front door of the GONZALEZ'S. The house is long in length,

52.

but crappy. They knock on the door and no one answers. They
do this two more times and still get the same answer.
                                                            
                       MONICA
God damn it. No one's home.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I'll knock it down.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I'll knock it down.
                                                            
MONICA steps aside and THEODORE gets a running start and
charges at the door, but bounces off. He does this two or
three more times getting the same results.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Could we try something different?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
One more time.
                                                            
THEODORE gets a longer running start and charges. MONICA
jiggles the door handle and opens the door. THEODORE goes
running through and crashes right through the backyard glass
door and lands on his face. MONICA walks in and shakes her
head.
                                                            
INT. GONZALEZ'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
THEODORE gets up and brushes himself off.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Now what?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Hello?! Anybody in here?!
                                                            
THEODORE and MONICA search throughout the house and don't
find anyone and meet back in the living room.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
You know what?
                                                            
                       MONICA
What?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
This is a family of Mexicans.
                                                            

53.

                       MONICA
What does that have to do with
anything?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Mecicans are only good at three
things. Running, jumping, and
hiding. They are probably hiding
somewhere in this house, running
away, or hopping back over the
border.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Are you racist?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Nope.
                                                            
THEODORE stomps on the floor real hard and hears a hollow
sound. He lifts up a rug and finds a trap door. He opens the
trap door and jumps in to ind himself face to face with the
whole GONZALEZ family, all eighteen of them, standing
against a wall.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Holy shit. You guys are just like
rabbits.
                                                            
MONICA jumps down and stands next to THEODORE and looks at
the family.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Holy crap.
                                                            
The GONZALEZ family charges at MONICA and THEODORE. MONICA
judo chops them all while saying "judo chop." All eighteen
of them are unconscious on the ground. MONICA takes their
DNA samples as THEODORE goes through their back pockets and
steal their cash. Then they leave and drive away.
                                                            
EXT. ANGEL GROVE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears in Angel Grove dressed in all purple.
PEOPLE are running around crazy and he walks over to a
reporter talking to a camera.
                                                            
                       REPORTER
It seems a giant metal bug is
attacking the city of Angel Grove.
Where are the Power Rangers?
                                                            

54.

                       FRANKLIN
Angel Grove? Power Rangers? This
is only the nineties.
                                                            
FRANKLIN sees the actual POWER RANGERS in colored shirts and
runs over to them.
                                                            
                       KIMBERLY
Damn it Franklin. Where have you
been?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What?
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Don't play around. We've got to
save Angel Grove.
                                                            
                       ADAM
Geesh Franklin. We can't morph
without you and you know it.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
But I...
                                                            
                       BILLY
No time for excuses. We've got to
destroy that bug before it
destroys us.
                                                            
                       AISHA
Billy's right.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
All right guys. IT'S MORPHIN
TIME!!!!!
                                                            
One by one the POWER RANGERS go through the transformations
with the crane, falcon, wolf, bear, and frog. FRANKLIN
stutters and pulls a power coin out of his back pocket,
looks at it, and puts it back. He yells "rhino" and
transforms. They all do their flips and land with FRANKLIN
and TOMMY standing in the middle of the group.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Holy crap. I'm purple. Why am I
purple? I should be red.
                                                            
                       BILLY
You've always been purple.
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Let's call our zords guys.
                                                            

55.

                       FRANKLIN
Hold on guys. I've got to call
Zordon.
                                                            
FRANKLIN pulls out a cell phone/power communicator and dials
Zordon.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Hey Zordon? Yeah. Um, could you
change my color to red? Sweet. And
could you pick me up a latte from
Starbucks. I know you're a flying
head, but get me my damn latte.
Sweet, thanks. Extra sugar. And by
the way... Hello? Hello?!
      (looks at phone)
Son of a bitch! I dropped my call.
God damn it, I should've used
T-Mobile instead of fuckin'
Verizon.
                                                            
The VERIZON GUY walks by with a cell phone up to his ear.
                                                            
                       VERIZON GUY
Can you hear me now? What? You
can't? What kind of shit is this?
      (hangs up phone)
This is bull shit. I have no
network. I'm switching to Cingular
man. Or even T-Mobile. Verizon
sucks some really bad shit.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Anyway. Let's call on our zords.
                                                            
The POWER RANGERS call their zords and they all come in
flying. One by one, the POWER RANGERS get into their zords.
THEY fight the giant bug manually with their zords for about
two minutes and can't win. They transform them into one mega
zord and fight the giant bug for about a minute. They
destroy the bug and cheer while the giant zord does a thirty
second Michael Jackson dance followed by the MC Hammer
dance. It fades to them eating burgers outside of a
restaurant.
                                                            
EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
                       TOMMY
Great work today guys.
                                                            
                       KIMBERLY
Today was totally awesome.
                                                            

56.

                       ADAM
Hey guys. Look at the sky.
                                                            
They get up off their seats and see fireworks going off.
They start shouting and cheering along with everyone else
around them. The traveling device buzzes, but FRANKLIN
doesn't feel it. He vanishes in blue.
                                                            
 
EXT. THE SANTA MARIA - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN continues cheering and slowly stops when he sees
himself around SPANISH EXPLORERS.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Where am I?
                                                            
COLUMBUS walks into picture and stands in front of FRANKLIN.
                                                            
                       COLUMBUS
You are on the Santa Maria.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
The Santa Maria? We're going after
America?
                                                            
COLUMBUS covers FRANKLIN's mouth and drags him down below
the deck.
                                                            
                       COLUMBUS
All right you son of a bitch. I
don't want to hear you tell anyone
about the Americas, you
understand?
                                                            
FRANKLIN nods and COLUMBUS leaves with FRANKLIN still
standing there when the traveling device begins to buzz.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell?! Why is this stupid
thing buzzing? I haven't been in
this scene for a minute and it's
already buzzing? Is that in the
script?! Somebody bring me a
script.
                                                            
A script is shot out from nowhere and hits FRANKLIN in the
side of the head.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Thank you.
                                                            
FRANKLIN reads over the script and throws it back.
                                                            

57.

                       FRANKLIN
Damn that scene was a waste of
time. Just transport me to my new
destination please.
                                                            
FRANKLIN rolls his eyes and is gone in blue.
                                                            
INT. LABORATORY - NIGHT
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE wait patiently as SCIENTIST #1 puts the
DNA samples through tests. He finishes and turns towards
MONICA and THEODORE.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
We don't have a match.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What? You don't have a match? With
all those DNA samples not even one
of them matches?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
Nope.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What should we do?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
I would suggest going over to
David's house and searching for
clues.
                                                            
MONICA nods and they leave in the Porsche.
                                                            
INT. PORSCHE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So what exactly is the plan?
                                                            
                       MONICA
We're going to go and get some
black clothes. We're going to
dress in these black clothes and
search David's house until we find
something.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Sounds good.
                                                            
They drive to a Wal-Mart and go in and come back out dressed
in complete black with their other clothes in a plastic bag
at their sides. They get in the Porsche and drive to DAVID'S

58.

house. They walk up to DAVID'S front door. MONICA picks the
lock and they walk in.
                                                            
INT. DAVID'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (whispering)
Now what?
                                                            
                       MONICA
We search for clues.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Like Scooby-Doo?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Sure.
                                                            
THEODORE quietly sings the Scooby-Doo theme song as they
separate and go throughout the house searching for clues.
THEODORE walks into DAVID'S room and turns on the light to
see Pokemon stuff everywhere. His bed is Pokemon sheets, he
has a Pokemon computer, his wallpaper is Pokemon, everything
in that room has to deal with Pokemon. THEODORE walks over
to a drawer and opens the top one to see a diary with a
sticker reading, "SECRET. DO NOT READ." He moves it and
pulls out a pair of Pokemon boxers. He shrugs and shoves it
into his pocket. He goes through the drawer below that one
and sees a safe with the same sticker on it. He shrugs and
goes down to the bottom drawer and sees an envelope with the
exact same sticker on it as the other two items. He gasps
and pulls out a couple of packs of unopened Pokemon cards.
he shoves them in his pocket and slams the drawer shut. He
walks over to a desk and sits down in a chair. He opens one
of the drawers in the desk and sees a folded letter with
DAVID written on it in caps. He opens it and reads it and
puts it in his pocket and continues to look around the room.
He looks under his bed and pulls out a cardboard box. He
opens it and sees a bunch of Pokemon cards stacked about
halfway. he closes the box and puts it next to the door. He
goes to the closet and slides the door open to see a toy box
filled with nothing but Pokemon items piled high. he takes
some of these items and puts them in the box with cards. he
turns off the light and leaves the room with the box in his
hands. He walks to the living room to see MONICA sitting on
a couch impatiently waiting for THEODORE to come out.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What's all that stuff?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Nothing.
                                                            

59.

THEODORE drops the box and takes out the letter and hands it
to MONICA. MONICA opens it and reads it aloud.
                                                            
                       MONICA
      (reading letter)
Hey brother. It's your sis,
Ashley. I just wanted to write to
you and let you know that I need
to see you tonight at Denny's.
Please meet me there. It's about
that girl. I really need to talk.
Later.
                                                            
MONICA shoves the letter in her pocket and runs outside with
THEODORE following with the box in hand. He closes the door
with his foot and puts the box in the back seat of the
Porsche. They get inside and take off.
                                                            
 
EXT. AT A GYM IN POKEMON LAND - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears as an animation in the world of Pokemon. He
looks at his arms and realizes that he's an animation, but
he doesn't know which cartoon.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell? I'm in animation?
What in the world does animation
have to do with the past?
      (pulls out
       traveling device)
God damn it you. Explain to me
what this is all about.
                                                            
The traveling device puts a message on it.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (reading)
This is a part of the past.
Whether it's been five years or
five hundred years, it's still the
past.
      (puts traveling
       device in pocket)
Stupid piece of shit.
                                                            
FRANKLIN shakes his head when ASH, PIKACHU, BROCK, MAY, and
MAX walk up to him.
                                                            
                       ASH
Hey man. Are you okay?
                                                            

60.

                       FRANKLIN
You're Ash Ketchum.
                                                            
                       ASH
I know and your Franklin Glander,
are you not?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I am. How do you know me?
                                                            
                       BROCK
Well, aren't you the leader of
this gym?
                                                            
FRANKLIN looks around him to see himself inside a gym. He
looks at his waist to see five Pokeballs attached to his
waist. he looks back at the other five.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I guess I am.
                                                            
                       ASH
Gym leader Franklin. I challenge
you to a Pokemon match.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Okay. What does that mean?
                                                            
                       PIKACHU
Pi-pikachu.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Shut up. We'll do the best out of
three Pokemon. Whoever loses their
three Pokemon loses the match,
deal?
                                                            
                       ASH
All right.
                                                            
FRANKLIN walks to one side of the battlefield and ASH and
the others walk to the other. The other four step to the
sidelines cheering for ASH. A machine pops out of the floor
next to ASH and FRANKLIN looks at it oddly.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What is that?
                                                            
                       MAX
Come on. Everybody knows that that
machine transfers Pokemon from
your belt to a laboratory.
                                                            

61.

                       MAY
Not everybody knows that. Gym
leader Franklin probably didn't
know that.
                                                            
                       PIKACHU
Pika...Pi-pi. Pi-pika.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
All right then. I choose you.
                                                            
FRANKLIN throws a pokeball and a Venusaur comes into the
picture.
                                                            
                       ASH
A Venusaur, huh? Well, I choose
you Charizard.
                                                            
Charizard comes out and ASH and FRANKLIN go back and forth
calling out attacks when ASH's Charizard destroys Venusaur
with Fire Blast.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
All right. Return Venusaur. I
choose you.
                                                            
FRANKLIN throws another Pokeball and out of it comes a
Milotic. Again ASH and FRANKLIN go through yelling out
attacks until Milotic destroys Charizard. Ash returns
Charizard and sends in Pikachu. They fight until Milotic is
finally brought down. The last Pokemon Franklin uses is
Gengar. Gengar defeats Pikachu and then Ash sends out a
Houndoom. Houndoom defeats Gengar in a close battle.
FRANKLIN gives ASH the badge.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You are one lucky son of a bitch.
                                                            
                       ASH
Thanks.
                                                            
ASH and friends leave and FRANKLIN is left standing there
waiting impatiently for the device to buzz. He takes it out
of his pocket and chucks it. It disappears and reappears in
his pocket. It buzzes and FRANKLIN disappears in blue.
                                                            
 
INT. DENNY'S - DAY
                                                            
ThEODORE and MONICA walk inside a Denny's and sits down at a
table a couple of tables away from ASHLEY and DAVID. ASHLEy
is a white female and MONICA looks at her funny and start
listening to the conversation the two are having.
                                                            

62.

                       DAVID
So you're telling me that you feel
wrong with what you're did?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No. I feel horrible.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Let's talk this over bowling.
                                                            
DAVID and ASHLEY leave. MONICA and THEODORE exchange looks
and rushes outside and follows them to a bowling alley right
next to a costume shop. DAVID and ASHLEY walk into the
bowling alley and THEODORE and MONICA walk into the costume
shop. THEODORE comes out dressed as Darth Vader and MONICA
comes out dresses as death with a scythe. They walk into the
bowling alley and see ASHLEY and DAVID standing in line for
an alley and MONICA and THEODORE walk up to them.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (Darth Vader voice)
Hey David. How's it going?
                                                            
                       DAVID
Do I know you?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
It's me. Your cousin, Francisco.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Francisco? Is that you?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Yeah man.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Who's in the reaper costume? Aunt
Betty?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Aunt Betty? Is she even a part of
your family? That doesn't even
sound Mexican. Aunt Betty? You
might as well as call her Petunia
or Mulan or something.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Why would you talk about your
mother like that?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Oh shit. I'm drunk dog. That's
why. I'm completely wasted.
                                                            

63.

                       DAVID
So who's in the costume?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Just a friend. She's a mute and
her face is full of scars. Believe
me, you don't want to see her
face... Unless you do, because I
can have her take her hood off.
Rachel. Take off the hood.
                                                            
                       DAVID
No no no, I'm fine. What brings
you guys to the bowling alley?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Just thought we'd bowl a couple of
rounds tonight.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Us too. You wanna bowl against me
and my sister?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Sure.
                                                            
All four of them get bowling shoes and walk over to a
bowling alley and start bowling one by one taking turns.
They're at the eighth round and THEODORE is winning followed
by DAVID, then ASHLEY, and MONICA in last. It's DAVID's turn
to bowl.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So David. How's it been between
you and that one chick you were
dating, Judie I think it was.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (drops ball)
What did you say?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
How's it been between you and
Judie?
                                                            
                       DAVID
How did you know about Judie?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
We're Mexicans man. No one can
keep a secret.
                                                            

64.

                       DAVID
Oh, okay. Well, she's dead.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Dead? What the hell happened?
                                                            
                       DAVID
Well. I wasn't really dating her.
I raped her a couple of times and
then Ashley over here killed her
so the cops couldn't arrest me.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Holy shit.
                                                            
                       DAVID
What?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I just remembered that Grandma...
Patty wanted me to visit her
tonight. I gotta go man. Come on
death. Let's go.
                                                            
THEODORE and MONICA leave the bowling alley and get in the
car and they both take off their hood and helmet.
                                                            
INT. PORSCHE - NIGHT
                                                            
MONICA drives away from the bowling alley.
                                                            
                       MONICA
His sister killed Judie. How does
that work out?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       MONICA
There was sperm left at the crime
scene. She's a woman. There's no
way that a woman could leave sperm
unless...
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (laughing)
You said sperm. Twice.
      (back to serious)
Unless what?
                                                            
MONICA nods her head and it fades into FRANKLIN appearing
inside the Sistine Chapel.
                                                            
 

65.

EXT. POLICE AREA - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN arrives at a police area at night time. He looks
down to see himself dressed in a S.W.A.T. uniform. He has a
gun in hand and is hiding behind a wall. He peeks over to
see a bus and a bunch of other cops surrounding the bus.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (to himself)
Holy crap. This is just like
Assault on Precinct 13.
                                                            
                       TINKY WINKY
      (from behind with
       black man voice)
Hey Franklin. Nigger. Look over
here when I'm talking to you.
                                                            
FRANKLIN turns to see all four Teletubbies in gangsta
outfits with bullets and guns strapped to their chests,
except Tinky Winky still has a tu-tu on and his little red
bag at his side, hanging from his belt.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What in the... Tinky Winky? Dipsy?
Laa-Laa? Po?
                                                            
                       PO
      (with deepest
       voice of all)
What's up mother fucker?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
This is really confusing. What the
hell is happening?
                                                            
                       DIPSY
You must've hit your head harder
than we thought. You all right?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I guess so.
                                                            
                       LAA-LAA
Good.
      (tosses gun at
       FRANKLIN)
It's time for us to kill some
cops.
                                                            

66.

                       PO
Hell yeah Motha Fucka.
      (cocks huge gun)
Let's kill them fuckers.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell is wrong with you
four? And why the hell are you
wearing a tu-tu Tinky Winky?
                                                            
TINKY WINKY takes a gun out of his bag and points it at
FRANKLIN's head.
                                                            
                       TINKY WINKY
Are you questioning the way I
dress?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (gulps)
Uuuuuum. No.
                                                            
                       TINKY WINKY
Good. Now let's go get them cops.
                                                            
 
INT. SISTINE CHAPEL - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN looks around him to see that half of the Sistine
Chapel has already been painted. He looks in front of him
and sees a tall ladder with MICHAELANGELO at the top.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Michaelangelo?
                                                            
MICHAELANGELO waslks down off the ladder and puts down his
paint brush and stands face to face with FRANKLIN and starts
speaking in a lisp.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
Who are you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm Franklin. I've come here to
help you paint the Sistine Chapel.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
You have, have you?
                                                            
FRANKLIN nods.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
All right then. Get to work.
                                                            

67.

A two minute scene goes on with FRANKLIN and MICHAELANGELO
painting the ceiling on the Sisitine Chapel. During this
scene, MICHAELANGELO is making different kind of sexual
harassment gestures toward FRANKLIN and FRANKLIN makes faces
as if he's about to puke. When they are finished for the
day, they look up to see a picture of MICHAELANGELO naked
hugging FRANKLIN, who is also naked. FRANKLIN gapes at this
and gags. Then they leave the Sistine Chapel and head over
to MICHAELANGELO'S place. When they get there, FRANKLIN sees
all sorts of statues that MICHAELANGELO has made including
the "Pieta" and "David."
                                                            
INT. MICHAELANGELO'S PLACE - NIGHT
                                                            
MICHAELANGELO and FRANKLIN go into the living room and sit
on some sort of mud chairs.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Do you have some sort of bed in
this place?
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
Bed? What's a bed?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You know. Some place where you
rest?
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
I usually sleep on the floor. I
don't have this bed that you're
talking about.
                                                            
FRANKLIN rolls his eyes and drops to the floor and falls
fast to sleep. MICHAELANGELO starts to search FRANKLIN and
feels the traveling device. he pulls it out and gapes at it.
It starts flashing and MICHAELANGELO gets wide-eyed and the
screen goes to black.

FRANKLIN wakes up to find MICHAELANGELO missing. He feels
himself and sees that the traveling device is also gone.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell?! He took the device
and now I'm screwed.
                                                            
MICHAELANGELO walks in through the front door with the
device in hand staring at it funny.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
What exactly is this device? It
started flashing last night and
kept getting brighter and brighter
            (MORE)

68.

                       MICHAELANGELO (cont'd)
and suddenly stopped.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (reaching for
       device)
Give me that.
                                                            
FRANKLIN puts his hand on the device and both of them
disappear in a cloud of blue.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE are sitting at a table with SCIENTIST #1
inside some room at the police department.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
What do you need?
                                                            
                       MONICA
We found the killer.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
You found him?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Her.
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
Her? What do you mean her?
                                                            
                       MONICA
I mean that the killer is a
female.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
A pretty good-lookin' female too.
If she was here right now I would
totally bone the shanoozies out of
her. I'd be...
                                                            
THEODORE starts doing more sexual gestures and making sexual
faces and then MONICA slaps him upside the head.
                                                            
                       MONICA
That's gross. Professor, what
exactly should we do in order to
get her DNA. There's no possible
way that we can get to her without
going through David.
                                                            

69.

                       SCIENTIST #1
I'm not sure exactly what you
should do. there's no charges you
can file against her or anything,
is there?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Not from what I know of. I mean, I
don't even know her true name. She
used to be a guy remember and that
means that she or make that he
used to have a guy name. The only
way we can get this name from
David is by dressing up like his
cousin and Aunt again, but it was
a long shot last time because we
were in costumes.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Wait a minute. Your telling me
that David's sister Ashley, the
one who killed the girl, is some
sort of transvestite.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Not really. She used to be a he
who realy isn't a she because he
decided to she he and become a she
from a he.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (stares blankly)
What the hell did you just say?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
Ashley used to be a man.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
A man? And I wanted to pop the
shit out of her? Gross.
      (softly)
I probably still would.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Do you have any sort of
suggestions on how to capture them
and at least receive their DNA?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
Not right now. Even if they were
to fled the border again like
every other Mexican in California,
it would take them longer than
tonight to do it. What I would
            (MORE)

70.

                       SCIENTIST #1 (cont'd)
suggest is you two go get yourself
some shuteye and I'll think about
what we can do.
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE leave the police department and head
outside into MONICA'S Porsche.
                                                            
INT. PORSCHE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Do you ever expect us to grab the
DNA of Ashley?
                                                            
                       MONICA
I hope so. I mean, this is my
first case for the Glander Company
and it would suck a lot if I lost
my first case.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I would have never expected her to
be a man. I mean, she's way too
hot.
                                                            
MONICA gags and she drives over to her place. They walk
inside and THEODORE passes out on MONICA'S couch.
                                                            
 
INT. STRATFORD-UPON-AVON THEATRE - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN and MICHAELANGELO land in seats next to each other
dressed in tuxedos. The device is in FRANKLIN's pocket and
in the theatre is a lot of people watching SHAKESPEARE'S
Macbeth.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
Where are we?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I'm not exactly sure. I think
we're in England.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
What makes you say that?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Do you know of any other country
that would play Shakespeare's
Macbeth?
                                                            

71.

                       MICHAELANGELO
I don't even know who Shakespeare
is.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Just shut up and watch the play.
                                                            
The play ends and FRANKLIN and MICHAELANGELO get off their
seats and walk out the aisle with MICHAELANGELO staring at
FRANKLIN'S butt. They keep walking when FRANKLIN sees
SHAKESPEARE. They walk over to him and SHAKESPEARE gives
them a funny look.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Are you Shakespeare?
                                                            
                       SHAKESPEARE
Yes I am. Who are you?
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
I am Michaelangelo, the sculptor
and painter of the Sisitne Chapel.
Let me recite something to you.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's
day? Thou art more lovely and more
temperate: Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May, And
summer's lease hath all too short
a date: Sometimes too hot the eye
of heaven shines, And often is his
gold complexion dimm'd; And every
fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing
course untrimm'd; But thy eternal
summer shall not fade, Nor lose
possession of that fair thou
owest; Nor shall Death brag thou
wander'st in his shade, When in
eternal lines to time thou
growest: So long as men can
breathe or eyes can see, So long
lives this and this gives life to
thee.
                                                            
                       SHAKESPEARE
That was so beautiful. I think
that I shall write that down as
one of my sonnets.
                                                            
                       MICHAELANGELO
Oh really? You really think that
it was that good?
                                                            

72.

                       SHAKESPEARE
Oh yeah. You see...
                                                            
SHAKESPEARE and MICHAELANGELO leave with their arms around
each other's neck. FRANKLIN looks at them ready to puke when
his pocket goes off. He looks down, shakes his head, and
disappears in blue.
                                                            
 
EXT. MOUNT VERNON, GERMANY - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears on WASHINGTON'S farm where WASHINGTON Is
laying down staring at the stars. FRANKLIN looks at his
clothing and sees himself dressed like a British soldier.
Before he could run, WASHINGTON stands up in front of him.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
Who the hell are you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
My name is Franklin Glander, sir.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
Are you American?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yes sir.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
LIAR! I shall kick your ass right
now.
                                                            
WASHINGTON pulls out two large machine guns from his pocket
and aims them at FRANKLIN.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
Now you've got to ask yourself one
question, punk. Do I feel lucky?
Well? Do ya? Punk?!
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What?
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
I got that from a Clint Eastwood
movie.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
A Clint Eastwood movie?
                                                            

73.

                       WASHINGTON
Uh, yeah! You've never heard of
Clint Eastwood?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Of course I've heard of Clint
Eastwood. How have you though?
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
You know what? Quit asking
questions before I pop a cap in
your ass.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Sorry.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
So what brings your British ass
over here in America? Didn't we
already finish you guys off? Wait
a minute. You're a hitman, aren't
ya? Don't lie to me.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
No General Washington. I am not a
hitman.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
How'd you know I was a General?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Because I'm American. Now will you
please put those guns away.
                                                            
WASHINGTON shoves the guns back into his coat.
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
My bad. Why don't you come on in
and watch The Good, The Bad, And
The Ugly with me?
                                                            
FRANKLIN looks at WASHINGTON funny and follows WASHINGTON
inside his house. When they get inside, FRANKLIN looks
around to see everything advertising for Clint Eastwood's
movies except for one Pokemon poster hanging next to the
television. FRANKLIN looks at it odd and WASHINGTON sticks
in the movie and sits on the couch and FRANKLIN walks over
and sits on the couch next to him.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What's with the Pokemon poster?
                                                            

74.

                       WASHINGTON
I ran out of Eastwood stuff. So I
put up the Pokemon poster just to
fill up the space.
                                                            
As FRANKLIN watches the movie, he slowly falls asleep and
passes out right next to WASHINGTON and disappears in blue.
                                                            
 
INT. WASHINGTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN wakes up to see WASHINGTON rolling around on the
floor grabbing his arms. He's thrashing all over the place.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Are you okay?
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
No.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What's wrong? Did you get shot?
                                                            
                       WASHINGTON
No. Blood clots. They're killing
me. Too much bad blood. Must suck
bad blood out. Help me damn it.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (yelling)
Help!
                                                            
Five guys rush into the room and lift WASHINGTON onto a
table. They're all dressed in black and look like the MIB.
One of them opens a suit case and pulls out three leeches.
He sticks them on WASHINGTON"S back. The leeches suck out
blood and keep sucking and then the MIB take them off and
WASHINGTON stutters for a little bit and then dies.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
So that's how Washington died. I
never knew that. Leeches. God damn
that sucks.
                                                            
The five guys walk over to FRANKLIN with the leeches in
hand.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Wait. What the hell? Don't use
those leeches on me.
                                                            
The five guys continue their way over to FRANKLIN and
FRANKLIN crouches down in a ball and disappears in blue.
                                                            
 

75.

INT. THEATRE - BEETHOVEN - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears in a theatre sitting on a chair still
crouched. He looks up and sees that he's in a theater with a
bunch of other people dressed in a tuxedo. he looks up on
the stage to see BEETHOVEN playing one of his symphonies.
He's dressed like Stevie Wonder with the shades and his
swaying his head back and forth like Stevie. FRANKLIN lifts
an eyebrow and BEETHOVEN just finishes his song. The
audience goes wild and BEETHOVEN stands up and does the rock
symbol with his hands. Then he waves to the audience and
runs to the side of the stage and runs into a wall. Two
people come out and drag him off stage. FRANKLIN runs around
to the side and backstage and stops directly in front of
BEETHOVEN.
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Who's that standing in front of
me? George? Is that you?
                                                            
FRANKLIN shakes his head no.
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Is that you George? C'mon George.
Don't be mean.
                                                            
FRANKLIN shakes is head no frantically.
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Damn it George! Answer me. You do
remember I'm blind, don't you?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
My bad. I kind of forgot. And this
is not George. It's Franklin.
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
      (shrugs)
Okay. Whatever you say.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Aren't you supposed to be like,
deaf?
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Well yeah. You see I was born deaf
and blind, but I got these ear
operations that gave me new
eardrums so I could hear
everything going on around me. You
know its hard to play the piano
when you can't hear.
                                                            

76.

                       FRANKLIN
You got operations on your ears so
you could hear?
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Yeah. It's the new thing around
here. Go ahead and look for
yourself.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Inside your ear at your eardrum?
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Yeah.
                                                            
FRANKLIN looks inside BEETHOVEN'S ear and sees the little
Energizer Bunny walking around in circles beating his drum
over and over again. FRANKLIN steps out and shakes his head.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
You've got the Energizer Bunny in
your ear?
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
I don't care what's in my ear. As
long as I can hear, I'm fine.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Whatever. Could you teach me how
to play the piano?
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
Why not? We'll go to my place.
Just follow me.
                                                            
FRANKLIN follows BEETHOVEN outside. While they are walking,
BEETHOVEN keeps running into random things like a pole,
trash can, etc. They finally exit the building and get
inside a carriage. The carriage takes off and stops about a
block or two away.
                                                            
EXT - BEETHOVEN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN and BEETHOVEN get out of the carriage with
BEETHOVEN leading the way. BEETHOVEN runs into some random
things and finally makes it to the front door of his house.
He opens the door and walks in with Franklin right behind
him.
                                                            
INT - BEETHOVEN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
When FRANKLIN walks in the house, he looks around to see
different photos of BEETHOVEN hanging on the wall. Some of

77.

the posters are with BEETHOVEN starring in some kind of porn
movies such as BEETHOVEN in 'Inspect Her Gadget', BEETHOVEN
in 'Kinky Kong', BEETHOVEN in 'Everybody Loves Pussy' etc.
FRANKLIN sits down on a leopard skin made couch and
BEETHOVEN comes out with glass drinks in hand. In the corner
of the living room is a piano. BEETHOVEN sits next to
FRANKLIN and hands him one of the glass drinks. FRANKLIN
chugs down the drink and gets up and sits at the piano.
BEETHOVEN chugs down his drink and sits down next to
FRANKLIN.
                                                            
                       BEETHOVEN
So what exactly is it you want to
learn?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
The piano.
                                                            
BEETHOVEN starts playing Candle on the Water by Elton John.
FRANKLIN stands up off the bench and sprints away from
BEETHOVEN'S house when he just disappears in blue while
running.
                                                            
 
EXT. ALGERIA - 1958 - NIGHT
                                                            
Franklin is still running when he runs into a large black
guy and falls down. he gets up and sees himself in jungle
clothes. He looks around to see himself at the bottom of a
hill. he looks back at the big black guy and sees him
standing there also in jungle clothes sweating.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Who are you?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I'm Mike. Don't you remember me
Franklin? We worked together on
the docks?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (raises eyebrow)
What?
                                                            
                       MIKE
You've gone delirious man. It
doesn't matter. We gotta keep
running.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Running? From what? Who's after
us?
                                                            

78.

                       MIKE
The guerilla warfare.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Seriously? Where are we? What year
is it?
                                                            
                       MIKE
We're in Algeria of 1958.
      (pauses to listen)
Shit. The guerillas are right over
that hill.
                                                            
The ground starts to shake and then from over the hill comes
a bunch of mighty apes (gorillas) running with swords in
hands like those from Planet of the Apes.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (to MIKE)
When you said guerillas, did you
mean gu-rillas or go-rillas.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Guerilla Warfare.
                                                            
FRANKLIN pulls a script out of his back pocket and reads it.
He nods and throws it off set.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
In the script it's spelled with a
U-E, not an O.
                                                            
The gorillas stop running and stand in front of MIKE and
FRANKLIN.
                                                            
                       GORILLA #1
Hey. We're only extras. It was the
cheapest thing the studios could
afford. So can we get on with the
scene? We're only getting paid a
couple of hundred dollars.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Whatever. Just give us to the
count of ten.
                                                            
FRANKLIN and MIKE start to sprint away and the whole herd of
apes start running at them. they go into a jungle and head
right toward a river. They jump into the river and swim
across and keep sprinting. The other apes stop at the lake
and look at one another.
                                                            

79.

                       GORILLA #1
Okay guys. We don't come in for a
while. Let's take a break.
                                                            
The gorillas start to walk away from the lake.
                                                            
                       RANDOM GORILLA
Who wants donuts?!
                                                            
FRANKLIN and MIKE keep on running until they reach a camp
fire where a white person by the name of MARK is sitting
next to a woman by the name of ESTELLA and a young lad named
LUKE.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Who are you guys?
                                                            
                       MARK
I'm Mark. That's Estella and the
young one is Luke. Looks like you
already met Mike.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Yeah. Where am I?
                                                            
                       MARK
You're on the planet of the apes.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
The planet of the apes? Like the
movie?
                                                            
                       ESTELLA
Movie? What in the world is a
movie?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Don't worry about it.
                                                            
FRANKLIN and MIKE take a seat next to the others around the
fire.
                                                            
                       LUKE
What's the plan in getting off
this planet?
                                                            
                       MARK
Well. As I have said before, I do
have a ship on this island. If
there's any possible way we can
get to that ship and get it
running, we can fly ourselves
outta here. And now that we have
this guy, we may be able to do it
            (MORE)

80.

                       MARK (cont'd)
with the five of us.
                                                            
                       LUKE
What is your name?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Franklin.
                                                            
The five of them hear a rustling in the bushes and they all
jump up. MARK, ESTELLA, LUKE, and MIKE pull laser guns
quickly out of their pockets in both hands. FRANKLIN looks
at them, then at the bushes and holds his fingers up in the
gun position. Five gorillas jump out of the bushes. The four
of them shoot for of them and FRANKLIN shoots the last one
with a laser coming out of his fingers.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (looks at fingers)
What the hell?
                                                            
                       MIKE
We got to move. NOW!
                                                            
The five of them start sprinting through the forest and then
a giant pack of gorillas start to chase them. They keep
sprinting when LUKE trips and falls to the ground.
                                                            
FRANKLIN stops and sees LUKE fall as the other three
continue to run. FRANKLIN picks up LUKE and shoots three
gorillas in the chest that come close. He and LUKE then
start to sprint their way out and head out of the forest to
see the other three continuing to run to the flying ship
straight ahead in front of them. LUKE and FRANKLIN catch up
with the other three at the ship and they all head inside as
the gorillas head out of the jungle and continue running at
the ship.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What do we do?
                                                            
                       MARK
We need to find a way to make this
thing start.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (looking at large
       red button)
What does this button do?
                                                            

81.

FRANKLIN ushes the large red button and a couple of missiles
fire out from the bottom of the ship and hit the herd of
gorillas in the middle. Some of them blow up and the others
run around the other dead ones straight toward the ship.
                                                            
                       MIKE
I think I can hotwire this ship.
                                                            
MIKE climbs underneath the control panel and pulls out some
wires. He connects to random ones and the ship horn starts
blaring.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Sorry about that.
                                                            
MIKE connects two different ones and the window wipers start
moving back and forth with water squirting.
                                                            
                       ESTELLA
Those are the window wipers.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Damn it.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
      (looking out
       window)
They're getting closer.
                                                            
MIKE connects two more wires together and the ship starts
bouncing all around as it has hydrolics. The gorillas stop
and stare at the ship as if it were nuts. Then they shake it
away and keep on charging.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Those were the hydrolics.
                                                            
MIKE connects two more and the ignition starts while the
ship is still on hydrolics.
                                                            
                       MARK
Now we can get out of here.
                                                            
The ship begins to take off as FRANKLIN disappears in the
blue cloud.
                                                            
 
INT. MONICA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
THEODORE wakes up on MONICA'S couch. He peeks through a
bedroom door to see MONICA still sleeping. He goes to the
kitchen and sees that coffee's already made. He poors
himself a cup and then starts looking through her cupboards.

82.

He pulls out the maple syrup and poors some of it into his
coffee. he swirls the cup around and drinks it when MONICA
comes out of the bedroom dressed in the same clothes as the
day before.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Theodore!
                                                            
THEODORE jumps and spills all the coffee on his shirt.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. HOT!!!!!!
                                                            
                       MONICA
Sorry about that. We need to leave
now and go back over to David's
house.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I can't go looking like this.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I've got something you could wear.
                                                            
THEODORE goes bug-eyed and it fades to MONICA driving the
Porsche.
                                                            
INT. PORSCHE - DAY
                                                            
MONICA is driving and keeps looking over to her right at
FRANKLIN and keeps smirking trying hard no to laugh. The
camera pans over to FRANKLIN wearing a woman's brown fuzzy
jacket. He stil has his pants and shoes on, but the fuzzy
jacket up top.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Could we stop at a Wal-Mart or
something so I could get a better
jacket?
                                                            
                       MONICA
      (smirking)
No time. We got to get to David's
house as fast as possible.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I hate you.
                                                            
MONICA starts laughing and continues down the road.
                                                            
 

83.

EXT. GONZALEZ'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
MONICA drives up next to the GONZALEZ house and parks on the
side of the street. She gets out of the car and THEODORE
gets out and stands right next to her.
                                                            
                       MONICA
You do have the handcuffs, right?
                                                            
THEODORE digs in the brown jacket and pulls out two pairs of
handcuffs.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Good.
                                                            
The two of them burst into the house and sees DAVID and
ASHLEY sitting at the table. Each one of them puts handcuffs
on both of them and then take them outside and shove them in
the back seat of the Porsche. They get in and drive away.
                                                            
INT. PORSCHE - DAY
                                                            
                       DAVID
What did we do?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Tell them their rights Theodore.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Ok. You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say can, ans
will be used against you in the
court of law. You have the right
to an attorney. If you cannot
afford an attorney, we will
provide one for you if you wish.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Keep going.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I can't.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Why not?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Because that's all I hear the cops
say on Law and Order.
                                                            
MONICA rolls her eyes.
                                                            

84.

                       ASHLEY
We didn't do anything.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Tell that to the judge.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
MONICA and THEODORE walk through a hallway with ASHLEY and
DAVID in front of them. They take offtheir cuffs and shoves
them into a room. The two of them sit down and and they shut
the door.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
How exactly do you expect to make
them give up one another?
                                                            
                       MONICA
I'm not sure yet. I'm still
figuring that one out. I just need
their lawyers to come so we can
talk.
                                                            
MONICA'S shirt starts to tug and she looks down to see two
tiny male people standing there with briefcases about the
same sizes as they are.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Who the hell are you two?
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
My name is Smalls. George Smalls.
And I am David Gonzalez's lawyer.
                                                            
                       LAWYER BALLS
And I'm Balls. Brian Balls. I'm
Ashley's lawyer.
                                                            
                       MONICA
How old are you two? Five years
old?
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
I'm twenty-eight and he's thrity.
Can we speak to our clients?
                                                            
                       MONICA
I know for a fact that you're not
twenty-eight and thirty. You've
got to be younger than that.
                                                            

85.

                       LAWYER BALLS
The truth is, I'm fifteen and he's
seventeen. But that doen't matter.
We would like to see our clients.
                                                            
MONICA nods and LAWYER BALLS climbs up top LAWYER SMALLS and
turns the door knob. Then he flips off of him and walks in
and climbs onto the table with the other one following. Then
THEODORE and MONICA walk into the room and have a seat.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (cracking up)
So you guys are Smalls Balls?
                                                            
                       LAWYER BALLS
That's right. That's our company
name. Here's our motto. Call
Smalls Balls and have us shove it
in your case's mouth.
                                                            
THEODORE starts laughing histerically and falls out of his
chair rolling on the floor laughing.
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
What a shmuck.
      (to MONICA)
What's the deal?
                                                            
                       MONICA
They both claim to killing Judie
and we only give them twenty
years. They don't, we go into case
and go for fifty.
                                                            
                       LAWYER BALLS
According to our clients, they had
nothing to do with Judie's rape
and murder, so I guess we'll see
you in court tomorrow. Have a nice
day.
                                                            
                       MONICA
not so fast little man. We've got
a little more to talk about.
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
Such as...?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Such as what it is you guys are
asking for from us? What is the
deal you want to make?
                                                            

86.

                       LAWYER BALLS
As I said before, they had nothing
to do with Judie's rape and
murder. So, we will see you in
court tomorrow.
                                                            
The four of them get up and leave the room with MONICA still
sitting on her chair and THEODORE laying on the floor
staring at the ceiling trying to calm himself down.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So what do we do now?
                                                            
                       MONICA
We get to wait til tomorrow when
we take them to court.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Whatever. You wanna go play some
Pokemon Stadium 2?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Not really.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Wanna go see a movie?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Which one?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
I'm not sure the name, but there's
a comedy movie about a lawyer
getting stuck in the past. Looks
pretty funny.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Nah.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So what are we going to do?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Let's go see a movie at my house.
i've got a pretty good collection.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (shrugs)
Okay.
                                                            
THEODORE gets up and exits out the door with MONICA and it
fades to FRANKLIN appearing on the Titanic almost completely
nude on the couch posing for a picture.
                                                            
 

87.

INT. TITANIC - NIGHT
                                                            
FRANKLIN is lying on the couch in nothing but his boxers
with one hand at his face and the other on top of the couch.
He tries with all his might to move his body, but fails. He
looks around the room with his eyes and sees JACK on a chair
drawing.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell are you doing?
                                                            
                       JACK
I'm drawing you. Now close your
mouth and quit talking.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Where are we?
                                                            
                       JACK
On the Titanic. Have you gone
mental? We've been on this ship
for about three days now. Now quit
talking.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
The Titanic? Holy crap.
                                                            
JACK puts the finishing touches on the drawing and then
turns it around and FRANKLIN looks at it and sees himself
drawn with a woman's body.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
My body doesn't look like that.
                                                            
JACK closes th ebook and puts it back in his coat and slaps
FRANKLIN's arm and FRANKLIN gets up and puts a robe on.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What now? Wait a minute. If I
remember correctly, the part where
Jack and Rose had sex in the car
was next.
      (pause)
Ah hell no. We ain't having sex,
ya hear?
                                                            
                       JACK
Sex? that's gross. I wouldn't have
sex with you. You paid me to draw
your caricature. So I did.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
My bad.
                                                            

88.

The camera fades out the window and up to the CAPTAIN'S
wheel that steers the ship. He's sitting back with a playboy
in hand and his feet on the wheel. He's giggling to himself
when he hears someone shouting. He looks up and sees the
iceberg. He drops the Playboy and tries to steer the ship
away, but it crashes into the iceberg.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN
Son of a bitch.
                                                            
The CAPTAIN walks onto deck as SAILOR #1 comes over to the
CAPTAIN on the deck.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN
What the hell was that? Why didn't
you warn me about that iceberg
earlier. Maybe we wouldn'nt have
crashed if you gave me an earlier
warning.
                                                            
                       SAILOR #1
I'm sorry sir. It was too foggy
for me to see. If there wasn't any
fog, I would've let you know.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN
      (gets in fighting
       pose)
Mutha Fucka? Don't give me that
bull shit.
                                                            
                       SAILOR #1
Its not bull shit sir. I swear I
couldn't see it.
                                                            
The CAPTAIN bitch slaps SAILOR #1.
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN
You see that? I just bitch slapped
you.
                                                            
                       SAILOR #1
Wasn't that a pimp slap?
                                                            
                       CAPTAIN
You know? So many people get those
two confused. The bitch slap is
with the front of your hand.
      (Bitch slaps
       SAILOR #1)
The pimp slap is with the back of
your hand.
      (Pimp slaps SAILOR
       #1)
            (MORE)

89.

                       CAPTAIN (cont'd)
You understand?
                                                            
SAILOR #1 twitches a little bit and then passes out with the
hardness of the slaps. The CAPTAIN looks around to see no
one on deck. He picks up SAILOR #1 and carries him over to
the side of the ship and drops him overboard. As the guy is
falling, you see a window where JACK and FRANKLIN is and it
zooms back into their room.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
So now that you drew my
caricature, what do we do now?
                                                            
                       JACK
I don't know. You tell me.
                                                            
FRANKLIN looks up at the ceiling and then at JACK.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
The ship's sinking.
                                                            
                       JACK
The ship's sinking? You're crazy.
This ship can't sink. Not even God
could sink this ship. You ever
hear that saying before?
                                                            
                       GOD (V.O.)
      (with a deep
       booming voice)
Hey! I heard that!
                                                            
                       JACK
Who said that?
                                                            
                       GOD
It's God. And I just want to tell
you something.
                                                            
                       JACK
What would that be?
                                                            
                       GOD
Boop.
                                                            
                       JACK
Boop? What does that mean?
                                                            
                       GOD
I just sunk the Titanic. Bye bye.
                                                            

90.

The ship starts shaking and people are running through the
halls screaming like maniacs. Then a nude dude runs buy and
some more right after him.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Looks like a bunch of streakers.
                                                            
                       JACK
      (grabs FRANKLIN'S
       hand)
C'mon. We got to go.
                                                            
JACK runs up the stairs with FRANKLIN right behind him. They
go up around three flights of stairs and then appear on the
deck. They look around and see the Captain running around
like a chicken with its head cut off. Then he jumps
overboard into one of the lifeboats.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Was that the Captain?
      (JACK nods)
What a little bitch.
                                                            
FRANKIN is then pushed by JACk into a lifeboat as it starts
to lower into the water and then the ship starts cracking in
half.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccck.
      (looks at boat)
Wow. Awesome effects.
      (looks up)
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaacccccccccccck.
                                                            
The lifeboat hits the water and starts to row out when a
giant metal thing comes flying out of the sky straight at
the lifeboat. FRANKLIN jumps out and the metal plank hits
the lifeboat killing everyone inside it. FRANKLIN swims over
to a wooden plank and gets on top shivering and staring at
the sky. Then JACK comes unnoticed and screams.
                                                            
                       JACK
Ahhhhhhhhhh.
                                                            
FRANKLIN jumps back almost falling off the plank. He gets
back in the center of the plank and looks at JACK to see him
shivering like hell.
                                                            
                       JACK
Its so cold.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
So get out of the water.
                                                            

91.

                       JACK
I can't...Franklin?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What?
                                                            
                       JACK
I'll never let go Franklin. I'll
never let go.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Maybe you won't, but I will.
      (throws JACK off
       and away from
       plank)
Sorry man. This plank can't hold
both of us.
                                                            
JACK starts to drown and then FRANKLIN lies on his back on
the plank and closes his eyes and vanishes in blue.
                                                            
 
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
The camera shows inside a courthouse on the ASHLEY and DAVID
at one table with SMALLS and BALLS and THEODORE and MONICA
at the other table with MR. RICHARDS right next to them. The
Law & Order "thump thump" goes and everyone looks around to
see what that was. Then on the bottom of the camera reads,
"Courthouse in California, March 20, 2008." Everyone looks
at the camera and stares at it funny until the words
disappear. Then court begins.
                                                            
                       MONICA
      (standing up)
Your Honor. The clients are guilty
of both murder and rape.
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
Our clients are not guilty sir.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAC
Monica and Theodore. You have the
floor.
                                                            
                       MONICA
We would like to call Ashley
Gonzalez to the stand.
                                                            
ASHLEY stands up from her chair and walks over to the stand
and sits in the chair next to the JUDGE. MONICA walks over
with nothing in hand.
                                                            

92.

                       MONICA
Ashley. Is it true or not true
that you knew Judie?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Not true.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Okay. Is it true or not true that
your brother David, knew Judie.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
True.
                                                            
                       MONICA
Is it true that your brother went
out with her, then raped her, and
then killed her?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
He went out with her, but he
didn't rape her or kill her. He's
not like that.
                                                            
                       MONICA
No more questions Your Honor.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAC
Does your partner have any
questions for the lady up here?
                                                            
                       MONICA
No sir.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (standing up)
Well actually...I do.
                                                            
MONICA mumbles to herself and then sits down where THEODORE
was sitting. THEODORE walks up to ASHLEY and sits on the
wood in front of her.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Did you know Judie?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Do you know what she looks like?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No.
                                                            

93.

                       THEODORE
Are you straight?
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
      (standing)
I object Your Honor. That question
has nothing to do with Judie or
the murder.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
It has everything to do with it.
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
No it doesn't.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Yes it does.
                                                            
THEODORE walks over to the table where SMALLS and BALLS are.
SMALLS stands on top of the table to look at THEODORE in the
eye, but is still shorter than he is.
                                                            
                       LAWYER SMALLS
I should slap you.
                                                            
THEODORE slaps LAWYER SMALLS and then LAWYER SMALLS slaps
him back. They go through slapping each other about fifteen
to twenty times each with everyone in the court looking from
side to side everytime someone gets slapped. Then THEODORE
takes back his fist and punches SMALLS in the gut. SMALLS
falls back onto BALLS and THEODORE straightens his suit and
walks back over to ASHLEY.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Now. As I was saying. Are you
straight?
                                                            
ASHLEY looks up at JUDGE MAC and he nods his head and she
turns back to THEODORE.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Yes.
                                                            
THEODORE digs into his coat pocket and pulls out a picture
and puts it down in front of ASHLEY.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Do you recognize this woman?
                                                            

94.

                       ASHLEY
No, but I wish I did. This chick
is hot. God damn. Look at those
coconuts. And that booty. I'd slap
the shit out her.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Me too.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (pause)
What?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
That picture your looking at...is
Judie.
                                                            
The court goes crazy and THEODORE looks at them.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (yelling)
SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!
                                                            
The court silences and THEODORE turns back to ASHLEY.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
So tell me this, Ashley. If you
say your straight, then why is it
you'd want to bang a girl?
                                                            
                       LAWYER BALLS
      (standing)
I object!
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (turning to BALLS)
Don't make me slap you.
                                                            
LAWYER BALLS sits down and THEODORE turns to ASHLEY.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
      (pacing)
So Ashley, if that's your real
name. You claim to be straight,
yet you want to bang a woman. Did
you lie to the court about being
straight? Is your real name
Ashley? Are you bisexual? Did your
brother kill Judie? Did you kill
Judie? Was she raped? What
about...
                                                            

95.

                       JUDGE MAC
      (interrupting)
That's enough Mr. Baldabosh. let
her answer the questions.
      (to Ashley)
So what are your answers?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
My real name is Ashley. it's on my
drivers license. I am straight,
but us girls always talk about how
hot one another is or isn't. You
ever hear "Baby Got Back?" I did
not lie to the court at all. My
brother did not kill or rape
Judie, and neither did I. And I
don't know whether or not she was
raped.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Is that so?
      (yelling)
Come on in scientist guy who
doesn't have a name.
                                                            
SCIENTIST #1 comes in with a stack of papers in one hand and
a plastic bag with the condom and sperm in it in the other.
SCIENTIST #1 hands THEODORE both items and goes and sits
down next to MONICA.
                                                            
                       MONICA
      (whispering to
       SCIENTIST #1)
What the hell is going on? Why am
I not in on this?
                                                            
                       SCIENTIST #1
Don't worry Monica. Theodore knows
what he's doing. Just watch.
                                                            
THEODORE takes the condom out of the bag and places it in
front of Ashley.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Does that look familiar?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
No. Should it?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Take a closer look.
                                                            

96.

ASHLEY leans in to the sperm to where her eye is a
centimeter away from the sperm and leans back up and shakes
her head.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
According to the papers I have in
my hand, that sperm DNA matches
exactly with yours.
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
That can't be. How'd you get my
DNA?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Well. In the back of the car that
you and David took to Denny's, I
found two Coca-Cola bottles half
full. I decided to take them and
check DNA with them and the sperm
and it matched with your DNA.
      (to camera)
I really did get the Coke. You
just didn't see me.
      (to ASHLEY)
So why don't you tell me and the
court what really happened,
Ashley?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
      (crying)
I did it. Okay?! I killed Judie.
My brother raped her and so did I,
just once. I thought we got rid of
the evidence. David was supposed
to get rid of the evidence. I used
to be a guy. david told me to have
the sex change so they would never
find out it was me.
      (to DAVID)
You're and asshole! You swore they
would never catch us. How dare
you! Now we're both going to
prison you little bitch. Now we're
both going to prison.
                                                            
ASHLEY goes and sits next to DAVID and punches him in the
balls. DAVID goes wide-eyed and bends over grabbing himself.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAC
David and Ashley Gonzalez, please
stand.
      (they stand)
The court finds you two guilty of
rape and murder. I charge you both
            (MORE)

97.

                       JUDGE MAC (cont'd)
sixty years of jail with no bail.
                                                            
The Judge slams down his hammer and walks off as THEODORE
goes back to MONICA and SCIENTIST #1 and MR. RICHARDS goes
off to talk to some people of the court.
                                                            
                       MONICA
I never knew you had it in you.
How were you able to get evidence
that she killed Judie.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Well. The truth is...
                                                            
                       MR. RICHARDS
      (rushing in)
Good work guys. Here are your
checks.
      (hands them checks)
Now let's go celebrate.
                                                            
THEODORE and MONICA both put their checks in their back
pocket and walk away with MR. RICHARDS leading them. MR.
RICHARDS walks past the press not saying a word along with
THEODORE and MONICA. MR. RICHARDS gets inside a limo and
MONICA and THEODORE get inside the Porsche and drive off
following the limousine.
                                                            
 
INT. RANDOM HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears on a couch still fast asleep. Then two
kids, KIRSTEN and JONATHAN, run in.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Franklin! Wake up! We need to
finish the game!
                                                            
FRANKLIN jumps off the couch and looks at the two kids
funny.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Who are you two?
                                                            
                       KIRSTEN
Quit playing around Franklin. We
need to finish the game. Bonnie's
in the other room.
                                                            
They grab FRANKLIN by his hands and start pulling him out of
the room and around the house. All over the house are signs
of swastikas, pictures of Hitler, and on the floor is a

98.

bunch of ashes scattered all over the place. FRANKLIN makes
a sudden stop and the kids fall to the ground, but shoot
straight back up.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What's going on here. Explain it
to me, please. I just want to test
you two out.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
We're playing Jew-Manji. You, me,
Kirsten, and Bonnie. I'm Jonathan
in case you forgot. Anyway, we
were playing Jew-Manji and that's
how all of this happened.
                                                            
JONATHAN and KIRSTEN grab FRANKLIN'S hands and drag him
along again until they make it to the kitchen where Bonnie
is standing there waiting with Jew-Manji in front of her,
with the same style like Jumanji. The tokens are a swastika,
Hitler, Germany country, and a Penguin.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Ohhhhhhh. We're playing Jumanji.
                                                            
                       KIRSTEN
Not Jumanji, Jew-Manji.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What's the difference?
                                                            
BONNNIE closes the box to show the cover read in caps,
"JEW-MANJI". FRANKLIN gapes, and BONNIE opens up the box.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Jew-Manji? How racist is that?
Damn. This game probably sucks.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Did you just figure that out
Einstein? Just roll the dice.
                                                            
FRANKLIN rolls the dice and gets an eight, just seven away
from the end. The Penguin moves eight and words in the
middle of the bubble appear. FRANKLIN leans over and starts
reading.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
If your character seems lost, be
careful of the Holocaust. What the
hell does that mean?
                                                            

99.

The house around them disappears and they are standing in
the middle of a detention camp. Jews all over the place are
running around crazy, with some getting thrown in the fire.
Next to the four of them is a fire. A Jew falls into the
fire and screams bloody murder.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. That sucks.
                                                            
FRANKLIN picks up a stick off the ground and looks at it. he
digs out of his back pocket a marshmallow and places it on
the stick. He puts it in the fire when a Jew is pushed into
the fire. FRANKLIN moves his stick over the Jew and the
marshmallow catches on fire. FRANKLIN blows it out and takes
a bite.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Needs a little bit more Jew.
      (takes another
       bite)
Nah.
      (drops the
       marshmallow)
How racist was that? Holy shit,
that was racist. This movie has
got to be more polite. I swear.
                                                            
                       KIRSTEN
Franklin! We need to finish this.
                                                            
FRANKLIN walks over to the others and KIRATEN rolls the dice
getting a five, eleven away from the end. The Swastika moves
and words appear on the game and KIRSTEN starts reading it.
                                                            
                       KIRSTEN
Now that you have seen the
Holocaust, run. Because now is
when your time is done.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell does that mean?
                                                            
The Holocaust fades and the four are back in the house. Then
out of the refrigerator comes a bunch of Nazis with flamed
torches. BONNIE grabs the game and runs out of the kitchen,
followed by KIRSTEN and then JONATHAN. FRANKLIN grabs a
pizza cutter off the counter and stands in front of the door
where the other three ran out.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Bring it on.
                                                            

100.

The Nazis, seven of them, attack FRANKLIN with their
torches. FRANKLIN uses the pizza cutter and cuts all of them
in half. The fire lands on the floor and each Nazi pulls out
a sword and then starts chasing FRANKLIN in circles rotating
around the kitchen five times. On the last run around,
FRANKLIN grabs a bottle of liquor from the counter and poors
it on the fire. All seven NAZIS run through the fire and run
around screaming as FRANKLIN exits the kitchen closing the
door behind him. He walks over to the others sitting in the
living room and JONATHAN has the dice in his hand.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Go ahead and roll Johnnie.
                                                            
JONATHAN rolls the dice and gets three, twelve away from the
end. The Hitler piece moves three and words apper in the
screen in the middle and JONATHAN starts to read.
                                                            
                       JONATHAN
Ahchoo. You're a Jew.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell does that mean?
                                                            
All four of their hair turns blonde and each one of them
receive blue eyes. They look at one another in gape and
start feeling their hair.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I've got blonde hair. Sexy.
                                                            
BONNIE picks up the dice and rolls a five, one spot away
from the finish. The Germany country piece moves five and
words appear in the middle of the board. BONNIE looks at the
board funny. It reads, "???,
??.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
What does it say? Who can read
that gibberish?
                                                            
                       KIRSTEN
I can.
      (reading)
If you're in deep shitler, look
out for Hitler.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
What the hell does that mean?
                                                            
A gun shot explodes onto the couch. FRANKLIN grabs the dice
and everyone shoots up standing with one another staring
where the kitchen is. There's smoke in front of the doorway

101.

and then the Darth Vader theme song starts to play as Darth
Vader walks out with a gun in hand. He drops the gun and
pulls hit lightsaber from his belt.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
It's Hitler.
                                                            
                       VADER
Drop whatever is in your hand Jew.
                                                            
FRANKLIN releases the dice and a four drops in the board
game and the other rolls off onto the floor.
                                                            
Throughout the dialog, the die traveling a maze through the
house, around lamps, in mouse holes, etc.
                                                            
                       VADER
You Jews thought you could escape.
Too bad.
      (lights up
       lightsaber)
Looks like your life span is over.
Now how should I kill you? Maybe
I'll take out the little boy. Or
maybe...the little girl. I know.
We'll take out the guys and then
the ladies just so I can hear your
screams.
                                                            
VADER front flips and lands in front of FRANKLIN with the
lightsaber against his neck.
                                                            
                       VADER
Any last words, Jew?
                                                            
The die comes and hits VADER on the leg and spins onto the
three. FRANKLIN peers around VADER and sees his penguin
piece move into the center and "Jew-Manji" reads on it.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I've got one word for you.
Jew-Manji bitch.
                                                            
                       VADER
That's two.
                                                            
The board game starts to go bezerk and everything that came
out of the game travels back into it with VADER being the
last. He starts getting dragged in when FRANKLIN grabs the
lightsaber and pulls it out of his hand. VADER gets sucked
into the game and the game closes. The two kids are gone and
BONNIE and FRANKLIN are left standing there, FRANKLIN
dressed like Luke Skywalker and BONNIE dressed like Princess

102.

Lea. FRANKLIN turns off the lightsaber and attaches it to
his belt. He looks himself up and down and then looks BONNIE
up and down.
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
Why are we dressed liked
characters from Star Wars?
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Don't you remember that when we
started this stupid game, it was
Halloween and we were going to a
party?
                                                            
                       FRANKLIN
I don't remember anything, but God
damn you look hot.
                                                            
                       BONNIE
Shut up and let's go.
                                                            
BONNIE heads toward the door and FRANKLIN follows behind
when he disappears in blue.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
THEODORE and MONICA are sitting at a two person table right
across from each other. MONICA has a root beer in hand and
THEODORE has a Dr. Pepper in hand. They clink glasses.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
To a win.
                                                            
                       MONICA
To the Glander Corporation.
                                                            
They each take a sip of their drink and then set down their
glasses and then stare at each other.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
Are you always so into your work?
                                                            
                       MONICA
What? What do you mean?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
We make toasts and the first thing
you toast to is the company you
work for. You don't have take
things so seriously all the time.
Live life like there's no
tomorrow. That's what I always
say. You know when life starts,
            (MORE)

103.

                       THEODORE (cont'd)
but you'll never know when it
ends, unless the big bright light
flashes in the sky and you're
supposed to go and duck and cover
under some sort of bus bench. A
lot good that'll do ya, huh?
Anyway, why do you take work so
seriously?
                                                            
                       MONICA
I really try not to.
                                                            
                       THEODORE
What do you say we ditch this
place and just go back to my place
and watch a movie?
                                                            
                       MONICA
Uuuuuum....Sure.
                                                            
THEODORE gets up and then pulls out MONICA's chair. MONICA
walks out the door and walks over to her Porsche on the
passenger side. She tosses THEODORE the car keys and they
get in and THEODORE drives off.
                                                            
INT. FRANKLIN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
THEODORE walks into the house with MONICA following right
behind him. THEODORE sets down MONICA'S keys on the counter
and then walks over to the television. He opens a cupboard
next to the T.V. and searches through when he finds a movie.
He puts the movie in the VHS player and then sits down on
the couch in front of the television. MONICA walks over and
sits on the same couch keeping her distance.
                                                            
                       MONICA
What movie is this?
                                                            
                       THEODORE
You'll find out.
                                                            
The Lion King starts to play and MONICA slowly leans in to
THEODORE until her head is on top of his shoulder. He puts
his head on top of hers and they slowly fall asleep.
                                                            
 
EXT. SOMEWHERE OUTSIDE - DAY
                                                            
FRANKLIN appears in Mexico still dressed like Luke
Skywalker. He sees a Mexican dressed like Enigo Montoya and
sitting on a rock looking at FRANKLIN.
                                                            

104.

                       FRANKLIN
Who are you?
                                                            
                       JUAN A TACO
My name is Juan A Taco. You
killed...