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Chet'n Eddie
by Tim Delaney (hollywood_td@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



INT. CHET & EDDIES APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Camera pans the room to reveal a definite bachelors pad. The
room is littered with pizza boxes, beer bottles, magazines,
and bills. Camera continues to pan over to the TV.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (Off Camera)
Look, all I'm saying is that it
doesn't Make a lick of sense. I
mean, dumb has a "b" at the end.
                                                            
                       CHET
      (Off Camera)
Yeah, and so does thumb.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (Off Camera)
And don't forget numb.
                                                            
                       CHET
      (Off Camera)
Yeah...so?
                                                            
 
INT. CHET & EDDIES APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
The camera now reveals two guys, CHET and EDDIE laying on
their respective couches watching TV.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
So, why doesn't bum have a "b" at
the end of it?
                                                            
                       CHET
I don't know Eddie. Scum doesn't
either.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
That's right, neither does scum. I
mean that's just stupid.
                                                            
Pause. Both men continue to watch TV.
                                                            
                       CHET
Why do tomb, bomb, and comb,
although spelled the same way,
have different pronunciations?
                                                            

2.

                       EDDIE
Exactly. See that's what I'm
talking about. Our language makes
no sense to me.
                                                            
                       CHET
Yeah. You know, drum doesn't
have a "b" at the end of it
either.
                                                            
Eddie looks at Chet with utter disbelief.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Chet, you slag...I just covered
that. Keep up.
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (After a pause)
What day is today?
                                                            
                       CHET
I don't know...Tuesday I guess.
                                                            
Chet continues to flip through the channels.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, turn it to the commercial
station.
                                                            
                       CHET
You do it.
                                                            
Chet tosses what appears to be a remote control unit over to
Eddie.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
No way Yak dung. I don't know how
to work this thing. You and your
friggin' inventions. You mind
explaining how the hell I'm
supposed to use this?
                                                            
                       CHET
Point and click Eddie. Point and
click.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Point and click my ass Chet. It's
like you gotta be a rocket ranger
to figure this damn thing out.
                                                            

3.

Eddie presses a series of buttons and nothing happens to the
TV. He continues to press buttons, all the while we are
hearing noises that would be the equivalent of getting the
wrong answer from a variety of game shows.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I swear to God Chet, one of these
days I'm gonna kick your mother
lovin' ass. This is causing me
just way too much anxiety.
                                                            
Chet laughs as he hits a series of commands on the remote.
After a particular sequence, we see a laser light coming out
of the remote control, which begins bouncing from several
repeaters in the room. It looks like a light show. Finally,
as the lights come to a crescendo, a bright flash is emitted
from the TV. The channel changes to an all retro commercial
station. The old Coca-Cola commercial can be heard. We hear
the jingle, "I'd like to teach the world to sing...". The
boys immediately chime in with out missing a beat. Finally,
the commercial ends.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
That was fun.
                                                            
                       CHET
Yeah. You know, I met that chick
at a Black Flag audition.
                                                            
Pause. In the background we hear the old Winston Cigarette
ad.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Hey man, when's our rent due?
                                                            
                       CHET
I don't know. I think the end of
next week. "Winston tastes good
like a cigarette should."
                                                            
                       EDDIE
We gotta get our butts off of
these couches and make some money.
                                                            
                       CHET
I know, and I'm getting hungry.
"No filter, strong flavor..."
                                                            
Chet opens up a couple of pizza boxes looking for scrag
ends. He finds some. It is pretty much petrified. He eats
it anyway.
                                                            

4.

                       EDDIE
What do ya think we should do?
                                                            
                       CHET
I dunno. I hear the Marines are
looking for a few good men.
                                                            
At this, THE LANDLORD enters from the front door. He is
loud, highly-strung, pudgy, and basically not a very
pleasant person.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Hey ya Mr. Barfalotto.
                                                            
                       LANDLORD
That's Bafaro wise ass.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I know.
                                                            
                       LANDLORD
That's it. Now, I've had it with
the both of you guys. You still
owe me for last months' rent. And
now you're late on this months'.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well, here's the deal sir, we're
just waiting for our investments
to pan out.
                                                            
                       LANDLORD
Investments huh? Let me ask you
something...do I look stupid to
you?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well come to think of it, you
do---
                                                            
                       CHET
EDDIE! Why no sir you don't. You
see, our situation is--
                                                            
                       LANDLORD
Your situation is, you have 24
hours to move your stuff out of
here. You're being evicted.
                                                            
The landlord starts to leave.
                                                            

5.

                       EDDIE
Convicted! Of what? We didn't do
anything.
                                                            
                       CHET
He said evicted Eddie, not
convicted.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Oh! Well okay then. At least
that means we get to stay.
                                                            
                       LANDLORD
No, no, no. You got 24 hours to
get your sorry asses out of here.
                                                            
He slams the door behind him. Eddie runs to the door and
opens it up.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (Shouting out the
       door)
Oh yeah? Well we've been kicked
out of worse places than this
Barfalotto.
                                                            
He slams the door shut. He then makes his way back to the
couch and resumes his position. Long pause.
                                                            
                       CHET
That bit.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah. Turn the channel, colostomy
bag. This commercial sucks.
                                                            
Chet flips through a few more channels. We hear the theme
songs from various shows. Finally:
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, go back go back.
                                                            
                       CHET
To where man?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
There. There. Oh man! Riptide! I
love that show.
                                                            
                       CHET
Yeah what a life man. Livin' on
the water, babes...oh yeah. I
could see myself living like that.
                                                            

6.

They watch the show for a few beats. All of a sudden, a
glow comes over Eddie. It's as if he has just had a
religious experience.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude! We could do that.
                                                            
                       CHET
Do what? Be beach bums?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
No numb-nuts. That! That! That's
how we'll make money. We'll just
be private investigators. Hell, if
those dorks could do it, I know we
can.
                                                            
                       CHET
Ya think?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah why not? I mean, you know,
you're pretty smart.
                                                            
                       CHET
      (Considers this)
Okay.
                                                            
 
INT. CHET'S BEDROOM/OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet, wearing his signature Yak-herders hat and edom tehc
shirt, is seated at his desk hacking away on his computer.
Eddie is standing behind Chet directing him along the way.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Okay, so here's the deal. My
uncle has an empty ex-porn shop
downtown that we can use. I saw
some furniture out by the dumpster
in back. So all you have to do
is come up with authentic looking
diplomas.
                                                            
                       CHET
Well yeah. But, what do we put on
it? I mean, you know, where did
we get our training from?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well just...no no, oh! I got it,
I got it! Dude, this is perfect,
all you gotta do is get a picture
of that blond chick that used to
            (MORE)

7.

                       EDDIE (cont'd)
be on...Oh you know, meatheads'
wife. That fat chick who feeds the
hungry? That one that does those
commercials for that
correspondence school, what's her
name, Sally ah, ah Strutting?
                                                            
                       CHET
It's Struthers, there homer.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Struthers, that's it! Then you
download a picture of her down the
internet. Then you take a picture
of us...
                                                            
                       CHET
And I edit them together.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
You edit them together. We type
in our names, and that we
graduated at the top of our class.
Am I a genius or what?
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh yeah Edmund, you're smarter
than you look. Of course you'd
almost have to be.
                                                            
 
INT. CHET'S BEDROOM/OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet is hacking away at a frantic pace. The camera moves
from watching his hands type, up to the monitor to reveal a
picture of Sally Struthers.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Eddie and Chet take turns taking a picture of one another.
                                                            
 
INT. CHET'S BEDROOM/OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet places the two photos on his scanner. The camera goes
to the monitor. Chet begins the process of editing the
pictures together with the photo of Sally Struthers. He
continues to do so until he and Eddie are satisfied with the
final product.
                                                            
 

8.

EXT. SPENCER'S SPANK HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Chet and Eddie are parked in their piece of crap van out in
front of a dilapidated store along an old-town strip mall.
The broken down sign that hangs by one nail above the door
reads, "Spencer's Spank House." There is debris all over
the sidewalk, and the window is smoke-tinted so you cannot
see inside. Right next door, is a Starbuck's.
                                                            
 
INT. CHET'S VAN - DAY
                                                            
We see Chet and Eddie's POV of the shop.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
There she is.
                                                            
                       CHET
I can't believe its come to
this...living in a porn shop. Man
it looks like a bloody boogering
hellhole.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
What're you talking about. This
place is an institution. It's a
friggin' historical landmark.
                                                            
They get out of the van, and Chet is clutching his remote
and Eddie grabs the TV.
                                                            
                       CHET
Historical? What could have
possibly happened here? This the
theater where Pee-Wee unloaded his
gun?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah, historical. It's where I
was conceived.
                                                            
 
EXT. SPENCER'S SPANK HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Eddie puts the key in the door, as Chet moves to the back of
the van. Chet begins to pull out all kinds of stuff;
banners, computer equipment, their furniture, etc.
                                                            
 
EXT. STOREFRONT -- HOLMES & HAMMER, P.I.'S - DAY
                                                            
Spencer's' Spank House has now been converted into Holmes &
Hammer, P.I.'s. The place hasn't really been cleaned up at

9.

all, it just has somewhat of a facelift. There is still
debris all over the sidewalk, and a bum has now made his
home out in front of their door. From outside we can Chet
and Eddie pressing their noses up against the window looking
at the bum. We can see their silhouettes arguing,
presumably over who is going to ask the gentleman to leave.
                                                            
 
INT. BACK OFFICE -- HOLMES & HAMMER, P.I.S - DAY
                                                            
Chet and Eddie have resumed their positions on their
respective couches. Eddie is looking at a porno magazine,
and Chet is watching TV. The office still has some remnants
from the previous tenants.
                                                            
                       CHET
Did you know that my great, great,
great, great, great grandfather
invented the question?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
What question?
                                                            
                       CHET
The question. The actual
question. The question mark
question.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Wait a minute. Are you saying
that some monkey from your family
invented the question?
                                                            
                       CHET
Yes that's exactly what I'm
saying.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
That's cool. Does that mean your
family gets like, royalties every
time someone asks a question?
                                                            
                       CHET
Yes. And that'll be 25 cents.
                                                            
From an overhead intercom we here, "MMMMMMM" in a very
sultry and seductive woman's' voice.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
What the hell was that?
                                                            
                       CHET
I think somebody's here.
                                                            
 

10.

INT. FRONT LOBBY -- HOLMES & HAMMER, P.I.'S - DAY
                                                            
The boys are somewhat surprised to see someone standing in
their domain. It is SHELLEY. Shelley is a blond woman in
her 40's. She is attractive in her own way, but one would
not consider her a bombshell. She wears baggy clothes, a
wig, moves slowly but deliberately, and acts as though
someone is with her. She speaks with a stiff lower lip and
is very guarded.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Can we help you ma'am.
                                                            
Shelley hesitates to answer. Finally:
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
You guys are new.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah, we just moved in.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
So you're here for good?
                                                            
                       CHET
Yeah.
                                                            
Shelley takes a tape recorder out of her bag and begins
talking to it.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
      (Into Recorder)
Two male homo sapiens. Caucasians.
One wears a size 12. (referring
to Chets shoes) The other
undetermined.
                                                            
Chet and Eddie give each other a "What the hell look."
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Okay! So. We're private
investigators. My name is Hammer.
Mike Hammer.
                                                            
                       CHET
And I'm Holmes...Sherlock Holmes.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Okay. I'm Shelley. Okay. Ummm,
what's with the names?
                                                            

11.

                       CHET
It was his idea. I'm really Chet,
and he's really Eddie.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Really!?!
                                                            
                       EDDIE
We thought it would be clever and
cool to have those names.
Hammer...Mike Hammer.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Oh!! Well it's not. It's stupid.
                                                            
                       CHET
See! I told ya it was stupid.
                                                            
Shelley begins to move around the room and is inspecting
things very closely.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Shut up Chet. Look, Shelley is
there something we can do for you?
                                                            
Shelley doesn't respond. She moves to a corner where she
has noticed paint fading on the wall. She takes a putty
knife out of her purse and removes a sample of the paint.
She speaks into the tape recorder:
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Patch of paint on north wall, left
hemisphere is discolored. Check
for lead.
                                                            
Eddie doesn't quite know what to think of Shelley.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
So Shelley...ahh did you know that
Chets' great, great, great
something grandfather invented the
question?
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
I knew that.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well how come I'm the only one in
the dark about this?
                                                            
                       CHET
That'll be another quarter.
                                                            

12.

                       SHELLEY
You got some carbolic acid?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Carbolic?? Ahhh...don't think so.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Okay. How about some krypton gas?
                                                            
Eddie looks in the display case.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
No but we do have some joy jelly
and some sex wax.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Okay I'll take it.
                                                            
Shelley scoops up as much stuff as Eddie will give her. She
stuffs it in the enormous oversized bag she is carrying.
                                                            
                       CHET
What do you want with carbolic
acid?
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Nothin'. I gotta go. Bye.
                                                            
Shelley starts to leave.
                                                            
                       CHET
Bye now. Tell all your friends
about us. We could use all the
help we can get.
                                                            
Shelley leaves. As she goes through the door, we hear on
the overhead intercom (in the same sultry voice as earlier)
"Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!"
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Shut up you dork. Yeah that's
what we need, 200 schizoid
mouth-breathers wandering around
in here begging us to help them
find a bottle. "Nurse Ratched,
nurse Ratched, can we watch
baseball?"
                                                            
                       CHET
Bugger off Eddie.
                                                            
 

13.

EXT. STOREFRONT -- HOLMES & HAMMER P.I.S - DAY
                                                            
We see a very expensive Mercedes Benz pull up and park in
front of the office. A very well dressed man in his 50's,
CLIFF CHAMBERS, climbs out of his car. He is carrying a
picture and a checkbook in his hand. He then walks into the
office.
                                                            
 
INT. OFFICE -- HOLMES & HAMMER P.I.S - DAY
                                                            
As CLIFF CHAMBERS enters through the door, we hear,
"Mmmmmm." The man doesn't know what to think of the sound.
He doesn't see anybody, so he walks up to the counter and
rings the bell. There is no answer. He rings it again,
this time with a little more authority. Eddie enters
wearing a bathrobe, and is sporting serious bed head.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (Speaks before
       looking)
Yeah take it easy, take it easy.
Congratulations, you got the bell
to work. Good for you.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Getting a bit of a late start
aren't you son? It's after noon
already.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
We we're up late last night.
Solving a big case. What can I do
for you?
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Well, I had heard that you guys
were here, so I came by to discuss
your credentials and to entertain
the idea of acquiring your
services.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Come again!?!
                                                            
                       CLIFF
I said, I am looking to hire a
private detective.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (Bellowing)
CHET!! Yes sir. You have come to
the right place. CHET!! As far
as our credentials, you can see
            (MORE)

14.

                       EDDIE (cont'd)
right here that we were the top
candidates in our class. CHET!!
                                                            
Eddie shows Cliff the picture of Sally Struthers with he and
Chet. Chet enters. Chet is still wearing his Yak herders'
hat and edom tehc shirt.
                                                            
                       CHET
What skunk breath?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
We have a client. Chet this is
Mr. Chambers. Mr. Chambers, this
is my partner Chet.
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh. Hi.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Yes I was just looking over your
diplomas and the impressive
picture with Sally Struthers.
What's she like anyway?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Oh, nice as can be.
                                                            
                       CHET
Quite the humanitarian. Here, let
me show you a sampling of our past
client list.
                                                            
Chet pulls out a photo album from the display case. He
opens the book up to reveal a picture of him, Eddie, and
Chevy Chase. The pictures of he and Eddie are exactly the
same as the one in the photo with Sally Struthers, except
their positions are switched. He turns the page to reveal
only one of them in a picture with John Candy (again, they
have used the same photo that's in the Sally Struthers'
picture.)
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Impressive boys. Very Impressive.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Oh yeah, and the list goes on and
on. So, what is it that we can do
for you?
                                                            

15.

                       CLIFF
Well here's my dilemma. I suspect
that my wife of 27 years is
cheating on me.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
That bitch!!!
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Excuse me?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Women!!! You can't kill them, and
you can't...aahhh...you
can't...you know.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Anyway, I have been getting a
credit card bill from the same
motel every month. A motel that I
have never been to. It appears,
that she spends the second
Thursday of each month at the No
Tell Motel. Tomorrow is the second
Thursday of this month. What I
would like you two to do, is to
video tape her in the act.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Okay, but how will we know who she
is?
                                                            
                       CLIFF
My wife is a creature of habit.
Not only does she go to the same
motel, but she uses the same room,
room 66. Here is a picture of
her.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Holy hog chow...what a babe.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Yes well, I need some footage on
her that clearly shows her face,
and that shows her in the act. Can
you do this?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
No problem sir. This will be an
absolute pleasure watching her in
the act.
                                                            

16.

                       CHET
What Eddie means to say is that
this type of case is our
specialty. We would be happy to
take the case for you.
                                                            
Cliff pulls out his checkbook.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Well good then. I guess that just
leaves us with settling on your
fee.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Our fee? Oh my god. Oh yeah!
Ummm, could you excuse us for a
minute?
                                                            
Cliff nods his head. Eddie grabs Chet and pulls him to the
side.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, how much should we charge?
                                                            
                       CHET
I don't know, I never actually
thought we'd ever get this far.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well let's think. Uhh, okay look,
Rockford charged what, $250?
                                                            
                       CHET
Something like that, plus
expenses.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Okay and Moonlighting charged how
much?
                                                            
                       CHET
I don't know. I think it was like
$1500.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
So we need to be somewhere in
between.
                                                            
                       CHET
Well how much is our rent gonna
be?
                                                            

17.

                       EDDIE
$500. Food and cable, $200.
                                                            
                       CHET
I need $300 for creative
experimentations.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
And I need $200 for the ladies. So
that's...ummm, that's ahhh—
                                                            
                       CHET
$1200 there genius.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
So okay, $1200.
                                                            
Chet and Eddie turn back towards Cliff.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
How about $1200??
                                                            
                       CHET
In advance.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
$1200 sounds a little high. Tell
ya what I'll do. I'll hire you
for three days at $1000 a day.
I'll give you one day's pay in
advance, the remaining $2000 upon
completion of the job, and a $500
bonus if I'm completely satisfied
with the video tape.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Did you say $1000...a day?
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Yes. That is acceptable isn't it?
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh yeah.
                                                            
Cliff writes the check out.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
You got a check guarantee card?
                                                            
                       CHET
I assure you my check is good.
                                                            

18.

They ring up the sale on the cash register. "Cha-ching."
They shake hands with Cliff and he turns to leave.
                                                            
                       CHET
By the way sir, how did you hear
about us?
                                                            
                       CLIFF
A friend told me about you, but
she prefers to remain anonymous.
At any rate, I'll see you on
Friday.
                                                            
Cliff leaves, and we hear the "aaahhhhhhh" over the
intercom.
                                                            
 
EXT. NO-TELL MOTEL - DAY
                                                            
Chet and Eddies van is parked in an obscure place facing the
No-Tell Motel. The van, with the driver side facing the
motel, is parked parallel to the motel, across from room 66.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - LATE AFTERNOON - DAY
                                                            
Chet sitting in a captains' chair. He has cut a hole into
the side of the van so the camera lens can see out. He is
sitting at a workstation complete with a computer, editing
equipment, video equipment, and a plethora of homemade
gadgets. Eddie is watching music videos on MTV.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - CHET'S POV - DAY
                                                            
Chet's POV through the camera comes in and out of focus.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN -- LATE AFTERNOON - DAY
                                                            
Chet is hacking away at his computer. As he does this, the
image on the screen is becoming a little bit sharper. He
marks his settings.
                                                            
                       CHET
We are set to go, my brother.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Let me see.
                                                            
Eddie and Chet change places. Eddie looks out through the
camera, then looks at the monitor.
                                                            

19.

                       EDDIE
Rad dude. You are da man Chetter.
                                                            
                       CHET
Now all we have to do is wait
until the target comes into play.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet and Eddie are both rocking out to the video "Mexican
Radio."
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, this video rocks.
                                                            
                       CHET
"I'm on the Mexican radio-o-o-o."
                                                            
 
EXT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
People are walking by and looking at the van as they hear
two men's voices and see the van gyrating. The boys, of
course, are oblivious to how this must look to people
outside.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet and Eddie are beginning to get a little bored.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, this is boring. I'm gonna
go get a drink.
                                                            
                       CHET
Alright. I'll just wait here and
tweak things a bit.
                                                            
Eddie gets out of the van.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Ciao Chetter.
                                                            
                       CHET
Adios Eddie.
                                                            
Eddie closes the door and leaves. Chet goes back to work.
He is fiddling with all the knobs on the different
equipment. Then, an Enya video starts playing on MTV.
                                                            

20.

                       CHET
Oh I love this song.
                                                            
Chet kicks back and begins to listen to the video.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - 3 MINUTES LATER - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet is asleep. The camera pans over to reveal two people,
a man and a woman, entering room number 66 at the No-Tell
Motel.
                                                            
 
EXT. NO-TELL MOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
Eddie is making his way back to the van. He has been gone
about an hour. He looks up in the direction of room number
66 and sees that there is a light on, the shades are open,
and that there is a lot of activity going on in the room. He
gets excited and makes quick, darting moves to the van(as if
he is hiding from the suspects). He gets to the van and
opens it up, only to find that Chet is sound asleep. He
quietly tries to wake Chet.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Chet!! Chet!! CHET!!
                                                            
                       CHET
What!?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Wake up dork hole. She's here. I
mean she's there, she's there. Are
you getting it?
                                                            
                       CHET
I don't know. Let's see.
                                                            
Chet looks at the monitor and can see that they are getting
a pretty good picture of the room, not a great picture, but
a pretty good one. Several men and one woman keep walking
in and out of the frame. The men are drinking and the woman
is dressed in a French maid outfit.
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh yeah. Oh my! Holy...would you
look at that.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
What what what what?? Let me see,
let me see.
                                                            

21.

Eddie looks in the monitor and sees what's going on. He
reacts accordingly.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Ummm, dude...there's like 8 or 9
guys in there.
                                                            
                       CHET
Uh huh.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yikes!! Okay, so we gotta get a
clean shot of her face. Oh man,
look at that. They're passing her
around like she weighs nothing.
                                                            
The camera continues to watch the monitor. We can see the
woman being passed around from man to man.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Boy she sure is a limber little
Lynx.
                                                            
                       CHET
Yeah. Poor Mr. Chambers. This is
gonna kill him.
                                                            
They continue to watch. The woman is now being undressed in
front of the window. We can now see that the woman is a
blow-up doll. Chet and Eddie are unaware of this.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Chet...Chet! Oh my god, look at
this. They're undressing her. In
front of God and everybody.
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh my?!? What the hell?? She's
flying.
                                                            
Chet and Eddie are glued to the monitor. They keep watching
as the figure goes completely lifeless.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Chet!! Did you see that? They
killed her. Oh my God they killed
her. She's, she's dead Chet.
                                                            
                       CHET
We are so screwed.
                                                            

22.

                       EDDIE
They killed her Chet. We just
watched a murder.
                                                            
                       CHET
Eddie you moron! That was a
blow-up doll.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Huh?
                                                            
                       CHET
We've been videotaping a bachelor
party.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Oh. I thought she looked a little
too flexible.
                                                            
They continue to watch. The manager of the motel walks up
to the door amd flips the second 6 over back to a 9. The
room is really number 69. He leaves the frame in the
monitor. Pause. Chet and Eddie both look out of the van
and finally realize that the room they have been watching is
flanked by room's number 68 and 70.
                                                            
                       CHET
Oops.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Nice goin' Chet. Now what are we
supposed to do?
                                                            
Chet looks up at the correct room 66. There is a light on,
only this room has the curtain closed. We can see a shadow
of a man and a woman silhouetted on the curtain.
                                                            
                       CHET
Well it looks like we need to get
some pictures of the woman in that
room.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Uh huh and how do you propose we
do that? The curtain is closed.
                                                            
                       CHET
Well Edmund, I was prepared for
this. I came up with a
contingency plan if plan A failed.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Okay. And that is???
                                                            

23.

                       CHET
I put together a camera that is
incognito. All you have to do is
go up to the door and get a shot
of Chambers' wife.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Uh huh. It sounds easy. Let's
see the incognito camera.
                                                            
Chet pulls out a mechanical arm.
                                                            
                       CHET
You see this arm? Well my friend,
this is not only an arm. If you
look at the index finger, you will
notice a small camera.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
That's cool.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yep. Now, the plan is, you just
walk right up to the door, knock
on it, and when she answers it,
move your arm around so that we
catch her and the goofball she is
with, on video.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Uh huh. One question. Why do I
have to do it?
                                                            
                       CHET
Because Eddie, I have to make sure
everything is working properly
here, and that it's recording. I
can watch the monitor from here
and talk to you with this two-way
transmitter.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, this is so Bondish. James
Bondish.
                                                            
                       CHET
I know. Just call me "Q".
                                                            
 

24.

EXT. NO-TELL MOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Eagle to nest, eagle to nest. Do
you read me nest? Over.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN – NO-TELL MOTEL PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
                       CHET
Eagle, this is nest. That is
affirmative. I read you loud and
clear. Now give me a visual of
surrounding area.
                                                            
Eddie moves his right arm up to where it is parallel. He
moves his index finger in a sweeping motion.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
      (Off camera)
Nest, this is eagle. Are you
receiving visual? Over.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet is looking at the monitor.
                                                            
                       CHET
Affirmative eagle. That's a go.
Shoot the target eagle, shoot the
target. From here on out we need
to maintain silence eagle. This
is nest signing off. Over.
                                                            
 
EXT. ROOM 66/ NO-TELL MOTEL - NIGHT
                                                            
Eddie is standing outside the door.
                                                            
                       CHET
      (Off camera)
Can you see inside the window?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
No. I can't see anything.
                                                            
                       CHET
      (Off camera)
Well hold the camera up to the
eyehole.
                                                            

25.

Eddie moves the index finger of the mechanical arm up to the
eyehole.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
On the monitor, Chet is getting a fish bowl affect. The
room interior of the room is distorted. We can however pick
up two human images, but nothing that is discernible.
                                                            
                       CHET
Eddie, I'm not getting a clear
shot. You need to knock on the
door and point the camera into the
room.
                                                            
 
EXT. ROOM 66 / NO-TELL MOTEL - NIGHT
                                                            
Eddie is still standing with his finger at the eyehole.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
What do I say to her when she
answers?
                                                            
                       CHET
      (Off camera)
I don't know. That's your
department.
                                                            
Eddie gathers up all of his courage and knocks on the door.
There is a long pause. Finally, the woman from inside the
room responds.
                                                            
                       MRS. CHAMBERS
      (Off camera)
Yes? Who is it?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Uhhh, night clerk. There's
something wrong with your credit
card.
                                                            
Pause. Finally the door opens up to reveal an attractive,
very busty woman in her 40's. She is wearing a bathrobe.
The index finger at the end of the mechanical arm is pointed
directly at her.
                                                            
 
EXT. VIEW FROM A CAMERA LENS - PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
From the angle of the photographer, we can see Eddie, the
woman, and a man in the room. A couple of pictures flash.
                                                            
 

26.

EXT. ROOM 66 / NO-TELL MOTEL - NIGHT
                                                            
The door opens.
                                                            
                       MRS. CHAMBERS
Yes? You say there's a problem
with my card?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
You...aah, you're card is, uhhh,
very...very full. You know?
                                                            
                       MRS. CHAMBERS
You're not the night manager.
                                                            
Just then the mechanical hand opens up and reaches for one
her breasts. Eddie is petrified as he can't figure out what
is happening.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet is manipulating the arm/camera with a remote. He is
laughing as Eddie has no control over it.
                                                            
 
EXT. ROOM 66 / NO-TELL MOTEL - NIGHT
                                                            
After trying to fight it, Eddie exclaims as meekly as
possible:
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I have no control over this.
                                                            
As the camera goes to black, we hear a slap.
                                                            
 
INT. VAN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet is pounding away at the computer. Eddie sits in the
passenger seat and nurses the hand-print on his face.
                                                            
                       CHET
Nice going Eddie. You never even
got a shot of the guy in the room.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well gee Chet, maybe if you hadn't
been on a jolly fest, I could have
gotten it. You know we're
screwed. We have nothing to show
Chambers. What the hell are we
going to do?
                                                            

27.

Chet is manipulating the video of the woman in room 66. All
of a sudden, he is inspired.
                                                            
                       CHET
Eddie my boy, never fear. Edom
tehc is here. I just figured out
how to solve our little dilemma.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
It's about time dork wad.
                                                            
Eddie moves in back to watch Chet.
                                                            
 
INT. HOLMES & HAMMER P.I.'S - DAY
                                                            
Chet and Eddie are sitting down watching TV.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I don't know about this Chet.
                                                            
                       CHET
It'll work. We just can't let him
watch too much.
                                                            
We hear the familiar "mmmmmmm" from overhead. They both
stand up, turn, and see Mr. Chambers standing in the lobby.
                                                            
                       CHET
Mr. Chambers, right on time.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Well, let's get this over with.
How bad is it?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
First we just want to say how
sorry we are and we know this must
be a difficult thing to watch. But
know this, we are with you man. We
are with you.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Listen, I appreciate the concern,
but can we please get on with
this?
                                                            
                       CHET
Yes sir. Just have a seat.
                                                            

28.

They all move over to where the TV is set up, and Chambers
sits down. Chet and Eddie are standing behind Chambers.
Chet, with remote box in hand, hits a couple of commands and
the video starts to play. Eddie is eating popcorn.
                                                            
 
INT. HOLMES & HAMMER P.I.'S - ECU OF MONITOR - DAY
                                                            
On the monitor we see the bachelor being replayed, only this
time, the blow up doll has the face of Mrs. Chambers on it.
Chet superimposed two facial reactions from Mrs. Chambers
onto the face of the doll. Mr. Chambers is watching very
closely and doesn't really know what to think, as the
picture is a little fuzzy. We see the action all the way up
to where she is being undressed in front of the window.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
What in God's name...?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I know. It must be awful to have
to sit through this. Popcorn?
                                                            
Chambers doesn't respond. Chet freezes the scene with her
at the window.
                                                            
 
INT. HOLMES & HAMMER P.I.'S - DAY
                                                            
                       CHET
Well there you have it sir.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
This just can't be. What in the
hell is she doing?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Women! Who needs 'em?
                                                            
                       CHET
So if there's nothing else...I
guess that just leaves collecting
the rest of our fee.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Wait a minute. I want to see some
more. I can't believe that that's
her. I mean I suspected that she
was cheating on me, but I never
imagined that she would do
something like this. Play some
more.
                                                            

29.

                       EDDIE
Oh sir, I don't think that's a
good idea. It just gets really
graphic.
                                                            
                       CHET
Yeah, I don't know if that's
really a good idea.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Hey, I'm paying for this. I said
play it further.
                                                            
Neither Chet nor Eddie move. Mr. Chambers gets up and moves
to the VCR and hits play. The scene continues to play out
the same as the day before. The blow-up doll is being
passed overhead. Mrs. Chambers' face is still moving back
and forth between the two facial expressions. Finally, the
doll pops and begins to shoot around the room.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
What the hell?!?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Wow sir you're wife sure is light
on her feet.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
What the hell is that?
                                                            
They continue to watch. Finally, the doll goes completely
flat. Mrs. Chambers' face, however, continues to float
around the screen. There is dead silence. Finally:
                                                            
                       CHET
Well there's something you don't
see everyday.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
She certainly is ahead of her
time.
                                                            
Eddie can't control himself any longer as he begins to laugh
harder.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
You dirty sons'a bitches. Who the
hell do you think you are? Who do
you think you're dealing with
here?
                                                            
Chambers lunges at Eddie and Eddie eludes him.
                                                            

30.

                       EDDIE
Hey it's not our fault your wife's
an airhead.
                                                            
Chambers catches Eddie, and gets him in a headlock. Chet
tries to intervene by pulling on Chambers' arm. The three
grapple for a minute.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
I'm gonna kill you, you little
tapeworm.
                                                            
All hell is breaking loose. The three are rolling around on
the ground, knocking things over. Intermittently, Eddie is
crying out "ow." Finally, we hear the familiar "mmmmmmmmmm"
from overhead. The three men stop what they are doing and
look up to find Shelley.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Shelley! Call the police.
                                                            
                       CHET
Wait a minute! Shelley, do you
know this man?
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Of course she knows me you
dipshit. Who do you think told me
to come hire you two idiots?
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Oh yeah? Well it takes one to
know one.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Yes I know this man. In fact, I
know all of you guys.
                                                            
The three men are still tangled up. As they realize the
situation they let go of each other and they all work their
way to their feet.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Shelley, these boys are scam
artists. They ripped me off. They
are not Investigators and I going
to sue these idiots.
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Umm, ok! But before you do that,
you might want to take a look at
these.
                                                            

31.

Shelley opens her bag up and pulls out a folder that
contains a bunch of pictures. The pictures are of Mr.
Chambers' wife and her lover.
                                                            
                       CHET
Oh my God Shelley, where did you
get those?
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
I followed you and Hammer there to
the motel. I hid in the bushes and
took these pictures. Do you happen
to have any liquid nitrogen handy?
                                                            
                       CHET
Umm no. Sorry!
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Shelley, you're awesome!
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Thank you. You're dumb!
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Well Shelley, you did good work
here. This evidence is exactly
what I was looking for.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Well I guess then that that just
leaves us to collecting the rest
of our fee.
                                                            
                       CLIFF
Are you kidding me? I should
bring you clowns up on charges. If
Shelley hadn't shown up with
pictures, you two bozos would be
playing housewife with guys with
names like Bubba and Spike.
                                                            
Mr. Chambers turns to leave. He collects his things and he
makes his way towards the door.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Hey, don't forget to tell your
friends about us.
                                                            
Mr. Chambers turns to Eddie and just simply shakes his head.
He turns towards the door and upon his leaving, we hear
the customary "ohhhhhhh." Shelley then makes her way to the
door.
                                                            

32.

                       SHELLEY
'K guys...I gotta go. I have a
big appointment.
                                                            
                       CHET
Alright Shelley. Thank you for
saving our asses.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah Shelley. You rock!
                                                            
                       SHELLEY
Okay Hammer. Change your name.
                                                            
Shelley turns and leaves.
                                                            
 
INT. SPENCERS SPANK HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Chet & Eddie are laying on their respective couches. Chet
picks up the remote and changes the channel.
                                                            
                       CHET
Well Edward, so much for the
Holmes & Hammer agency. We pretty
much sucked as private
investigators.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah. What in God's name were we
thinking? Private Investigators.
Dude, you must have anti-freeze in
your noggin to come up with
something that lame.
                                                            
                       CHET
Well actually, there cornholer, it
was your idea.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Yeah well whatever dude! You
should have talked me out of it.
                                                            
                       CHET
So what the hell are we going to
do now? This money isn't gonna
last us forever.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I don't know. I can't think right
now. All of this Chambers business
has caused my head to hurt. Change
the channel dude.
                                                            

33.

Chet starts to change the channel. He flips through to a
couple of different channels. Then,
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, go back to that last
channel. There, you see that?
That's what we can do.
                                                            
ECU of the television program. It is men's beach
volleyball.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
I'm telling you man...if those
morons can do it, so can we. Let's
be beach volleyball pros.
                                                            
Chet looks over at Eddie, gets up and moves to his computer.
He starts typing away.
                                                            
                       CHET
I'm with ya brother. I am
creating our credentials now.
                                                            
                       EDDIE
Dude, this is going to be easy
money. I don't know why I didn't
think of it earlier.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From john lebeau Date 1/19/2008 ****
How would you change the "more" and "con't" if you are using script buddy. Actually liked this. Kept me wondering what was going to happen.

From Jeff Helton Date 12/14/2007 ***
Good spacing between dialouge and direction, should change the "off camera" to industry recomended (OS) for "off screen". I'd also ditch the "more" and "cont'd" at the end of pages, perhaps rework them or change direction and or dialouge to fit pages. This helps the reader/actor read with interruption. Other than that, keep writing.


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