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by Johnathan (lyonsjo@wsdmail.net)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: 1/2
First Script wrote it for my Video class tell me what you think.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


In a Dimly lit office with stacks of papers everywhere
newspaper clippings about old achievements on the walls Sits
a Detective he is a tall bulky man. he is determined to
solve this case. His hair is rugged and he hasn't shaved in
So Where were you the night of the
                       SUSPECT 1
I was sitting at home Enjoying
Well your finger prints prove
                       SUSPECT 1
Ok so I might have gone to the
party.. but I had a drink and went
home.. I had nothing to do with
his death.
Well.. Don't leave town we might
need to ask you questions.
Suspect leaves the Office and goes home.
Thinking about the murder and who may be the next to
interrogate or even the next victim. Going over what he has
heard so far he trys putting things together.He ask himself
      (In head)
Well he seems that either he is
hiding something or he is telling
the truth.


      (In head)
I think I'm gunna check up on
Taylor the host of the party.
Taylor is staying in a hotel they say it was "made of gold"
The detective gets a weird vibe from how could Taylor afford
this..He just keeps it to him self and goes in.Taylor is
staying in the presidential sweet.He has a nice suite on and
the view is great with a big bed and a big window looking
out across the world.
Well so what is your story behind
what you saw at your party how did
this accident Occur
                       SUSPECT 2
Well.. I was just hanging out in
my room with all the ladies. Then
I heard a gun shot and I walked
out to find Joe on the ground he
had a bullet through his head I
had nothing to do with it I have
witnesses that place me in my room
ask the ladies.. YEAH!
Well I think I will. Just don't go
anywhere. we will need you.
Detective enters Tiffany's house. It is very Big and Clean
her dad is in the army there is guns on the mantel under the
fire place. and on the walls. There are guns in the draws
everywhere in the house.
                       SUSPECT 3
What are you doing here..?
Why are there so many guns?
                       SUSPECT 3
Why is any consern of yours.


Well I'm investigating your Ex
boyfriends case and I heard you
were in the room with Taylor when
he was shot.
                       SUSPECT 3
That is true. I was we were just
talking. About everything that is
going on between me and Joe we
were having a rough relationship..
Yeah I'm sure you were just
"talking" so you never answered my
question why are there so many
                       SUSPECT 3
Um. We were just talking. My dad
is in the army he collects guns.
So then you have motive to kill
Joe don't you. You told me you
were having a rough relationship.
                       SUSPECT 3
Well that doesn't mean I would
want to kill him. Why don't you go
ask the random Hobo at the party
he wasn't even supposed to be
there he just walked in and
started eating Taylors food and
stuff we just left him and went
into Taylors room.
I think I will. Thank you for your
help don't leave town either
Tiffany scuzzes him off and walks to her room and slams the
The dim light sways over head.. The detective is literally
banging his head on the desk trying to figure this case
out.. The clues just are not coming together.. He is
starting to give up hope until he remembers what Tiffany
said about the hobo..


      (In head)
Well all the suspects seem to have
a good story.. I guess I'll have
to check up on that Hobo she
mentioned before..
      (In head)
But I'm not so sure on Tiffany's
attitude I'm keeping her as my
number one suspect because of the
guns on the mantel also
The bad side of town where you don't want to catch yourself
alone. Homeless people doing anything for a quick buck. With
little shanties that people are living in.The constant sound
of gun shot.. It's chilly.. The Detective has on a leather
jacket with the collar popped He walks Up to the hobo that
has been seen in the suburbs before.
were you at a party within the
last few days?
I might have been I do wander a
lot why is it important
Because at that party a high
school student named Joe died and
we want to find out who did it so
either you come clean or I'll have
to use force
Hang on let me get my things.. And
I'll answer any of your
Well the hobo is getting his things out of his box. The
Detective notices a gun on the bottom of the box.
Do you have a warrant for that?
Um a warrant for what Officer?


That gun on the ground!
I don't see a gun
Detective puts on rubber gloves and picks up the gun. Which
is fully loaded.
You mean you don't see this?
OH that old thing.. Yeah I found
Alright lets go down town I'm
gonna send this to the lab with
the bullet and see if they match
The hobo starts getting sweaty and nervous and starts to
stumble with his words.
Well uh uh alright then..Lets go..
All light is blocked off from the office the door is shut
the cracks on the walls seem to be leaking.. It's raining
outside the clatter of rain hits the dark windows and the
light flickers as he interrogates the hobo..
So what were you doing there?
Well I just wanted some food.. I
was hungry the streets are a bad
place no food for a hobo..
Well then what were you doing in
the suburbs..
I told you I was looking for some
food.. Is there any harm in that?


So did the party get out of hand..
because when the murder occurred..
you were no where to be found..
Maybe.. someone yelled at me then
I left I didn't do anything..
well I have wittinesses! that say
other wise I'm taking you down
town you killed him didn't you!
Don't give me that I told you
someone hit me and I left...
I know you shot him. you can see
the gun residue on your shirt..
I only have one shirt.. so what if
theres gun powder and blood I
didn't do it!
Well I'm arresting you anyway.
That day the Detective took him to jail he was given the
death penalty a few days later. The murders kept occurring
tho and the Detective quit his job.... Taylor moved out of
the country with Tiffany and they were never heard from
again..The murders stopped at there leaving.


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From Fish Stark Date 2/13/2008 1/2
OK....I'm just going to say it up front, there is a LOT of work you need to do on this thing. However, it is not so horrible that you deserve 0 stars. First of all, JJ was right.....everything was cliche except the ending, which was just stupid...you need to watch your spelling and grammar, you need to develop your characters, you need to HAVE characters, real ones, and you have to have your dialogue flow. It's your first script, so I understand...my first script was pretty bad too. But you need to work harder and do better. I see potential. Use it. PS: How can you call that a comedy?

From Jeff Helton Date 2/11/2008 *
Yeah, what he said. I wont be as brutal, but I will recomend you pick up several copies of screenwriting books, take a break from bad habits and read. Read. Read. Good luck and keep writing.

From J.J Date 2/8/2008 0 stars
I'm going to shorten this the best I can, because I could write pages and pages of what is wrong with this. First off - The title. Sounds like a lazy writer couldn't come up with a title, so he/she just put the genre there. Second - The sluglines. INT. means interior. INT. THE STREETS - DAY - That slugline is not possible. You should have wrote EXT. STREETS - DAY. EXT. means exterior. Now, the action is all wrong too. A screenplay isn't written like a book where we know what characters are thinking or details about character's past. A script shows what is seen on screen. We can't see what the detective is thinking unless you do a voiceover (like you did once) instead of writing something like "he trys putting things together" which you did. Also - at the end you wrote in past tense. Scripts are always written in present tense. As far as the story goes - way to cliche. You didn't add anything new to the detective/mystery genre. The dialog was okay, but I don't think you know the procedure of what detectives really do. I'll stop now. I could go on and on, but I think what I told you is a good starting point.

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