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The Morning After (Short Film)
by Kyle Paffhausen (kp51_us@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
Looking for possible thoughts on how to extend it to sitcom length. Would love to include some backstory, work scenarios and romantic interests, but need a good transition. Would love thoughts on language usage and other items.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


KYLE, early 20s, wakes to the scene of a disaster. Clothes
strewn about, food containers and what could loosely be
described as a bed decorates the bedroom ridden with
childish remnants. He slowly walks out of his bedroom, risen
from a night's sleep, to see NICK, same age, eating
breakfast watching TV.
What are you doing up so early?
Well Good Morning sunshine! How
are we today?
Peachy, just peachy.
                       CHRIS (OS)
Head games, it's you and me baby,
Head games, and I can't take it
Is that...?
As Kyle slowly ambles up the stairs, he glances to the
kitchen to see CHRIS, a shaggy redhead of the same age,
still singing and dancing while cooking breakfast in his
boxers. His headache worsens.
      (holding a fry pan)
Well hello there, Sally. Whats
Well, Jesus. Apparently your sack
man. What are the odds of you
putting on some pants?


Slim. You know I enjoy exercising
my right as a man to swing my unit
however I please.
Nothing anywhere gives you the
"right as a man" to place your
Johnson all over the damn kitchen.
As a matter of fact, I would say
standard male code implies you
cover up your junk in front of
another male.
      (Fakes opening a
       book and reading
       a line)
Oh look, right here. Thou shalt
not place one's dick anywhere near
the food area, ESPECIALLY in the
presence of another male.
Whatever you say, cap. Breakfast
is up. Bacon, sausage and toast.
Then why is Nick eating cereal?
Who knows. Saving the animals or
some shit, I guess.
      (flips off the
      (turning around)
YEAH! Chew on that one, hippie!
Wait, why are you yelling?
So where'd you end up last night?
Didn't see you when we left.
Me and uh...Jackie--
      (clears throat)
Who is this "me and Jackie?" Or
are you speaking about, of course,
Jackie and I?


You know. If there wasn't a large
wall that we will hypothetically
call "my headache" standing in the
way right now, I would literally
jump over this counter and locate
what is left of your satchel with
my fist. Know that.
Pfffft. The odds of you catching
me to punch me are slightly worse
than the odds that anyone will
ever care about the WNBA. I'm
exactly like a cat. True story.
      (eating breakfast)
Anyway. We went back to Jackie's
place for a while until she fell
asleep. Then I jumped ship and
ended here. Story of my life.
See, I've always had this theory,
OK. It consists of trying to get
sober women, whom prefer to stay
awake during sex, as opposed to
drunk ones, who tend more to pass
out and vomit all over the place.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just because you
had one bad experience does not
mean every guy should live in fear
of picking up drunk chicks at
bars. Maybe if you didn't jam
shots down their...
      (distracted, looks
       at CHRIS)
Chris, What in the fuck are you
      (looks up,
       touching his
What? Hey, does this look
irritated to you?
Kyle gets up with his food and begins to walk downstairs.


What? It's a simple question.
One that does not deserve any
response, I say.
Nick is heard laughing and chuckling over the sound of the
TV. Kyle walks to the chair and falls into the back. Nick is
to his right, finishing eating, watching cartoons.
Are you serious right now?
Are you fucking eight? This is a
show meant for your little sister.
Can't we watch Sportscenter or
Nick takes the remote and begins to take the batteries out
of the remote.
You want Sportscenter? Here you
He turns the channel to Lifetime and throws the remote on
Kyle's lap.
Oh you son of a bitch. What am I
supposed to watch here?
      (walking away)
Well there is an Oprah rerun, a TV
movie about women's empowerment,
something I know you are
passionate about...or there's
always your hand on your dick.


Hey, by the way. What's up with
the "no meat" thing? You saving
the world again?
As much as I can, man. As much as
I can. Animals are part of this
world too, you know.
Yeah, if you say so Mary. If they
can't talk to me, I can eat them.
Oh, so mutes, too? You want to eat
a mute because they can't talk to
      (turning back to
       the TV)
Survival of the fittest, my man,
survival of the fittest.
You are probably the worst person
I've met.
This coming from the kid who
strives to look like he hasn't
showered in months.
      (yelling to noone
       in particular)
      (yelling from
You know what you look like? A
slightly gayer Kenny G.
                       NICK (OS)
Fuck both of you. I'm taking a


First one in what, a week? Good
luck in there late Kurt Cobain.
You make me sick. Seriously, you
probably look like a South
American rainforest with a worse
odor and minus the cool animals.
Kyle walks upstairs with his empty plate and begins washing
it off as Chris reads the paper.
Hey man, question for ya.
What's up?
Wheeeeeeeen did you notice...
your erotic fascination with other
Oh, I don't know. About the same
time I walked in on you bobbing
for apples in a guy's lap.
Yeah, well.
Kyle walks to a whiteboard on the refrigerator that appears
to be some sort of chart. He takes the marker and under the
column heading "Chris," puts a single tally, signifying his
point in some sort of contest. He goes and leans against the
counter, defeated.
So what's on tap for today?
I'll tell you what, I need to
crank one out here after
breakfast. After that the day is


You don't give a warning about
buttering the corn. It's just not
Bullshit. That is fair game
Anywhere? I find that hard to
believe. Anywhere is a large
locale, my friend. Let's go ask
Fair enough.
Chris and Kyle walk downstairs. Chris knocks on the bathroom
door impatiently.
NICK! NICK! Got a dispute that
needs to be settled.
                       NICK (OS)
I'm trying to take a shower here.
Can't this sure-to-be life
changing emergency wait?
Absolutely not. Get your skinny
ass out here.
The shower turns off and Nick appears at the door in nothing
but his towel.
What the hell do you want?
Question. Is it OK to tell another
man about plans to grease your
      (turns around)
You have got to be shitting me.
Nick slams the door and the shower turns back on.


      (looks to Chris)
Unbelievable. So difficult to deal
with, this guy.
I know. And such a simple
question, you know.
The door reopens, shower still running, and Nick pokes his
head out, touching his nipple.
Hey, does this look irritated to
Kyle begins to walk away, ignoring the question.
What? It's just a question.
      (also walking
We'll be waiting, so hurry the
hell up.
                       NICK (OS)
You know I will.
                                         FADE OUT
                                         FADE IN:
A few hours later, Chris, Nick and Kyle sit upstairs,
boringly flipping through TV channels as if waiting for
something to happen.
Let me ask you something.
When is it OK for a guy to shave
the ole man purse?
Oh come on man, why does this have
to come up? Why now?


I think this is a question on a
lot of guy's minds.
No. No it's not. I have never
asked myself when it would be
acceptable to shave my better
half. I just do it.
Wait. What? Did you just say you
shave yourself?
Ooooh, good. Now I can get some
answers. Question. Does it hurt?
Hang on, let me get this straight.
He says he shaves himself and the
best question your mind can
formulate is if it hurts? I got a
better question, why are we even
talking about this?
Hey, all I know is the ladies love
Oh yeah, the ladies. If by ladies,
you mean that one girl who passed
out in your lap but you counted as
a blowjob, then let's go find her
and ask her if she enjoyed it as
much as you. I am certain she will
be thrilled she was counted as a
sexual escapade of yours.
Hey, its no worse than about 90
percent of the women I've seen
leave your room with nothing but a
frown on their face, running like
a Kenyan in a 5k.
Oh now that is not fair. First of
all, I think everyone would agree
the Kenyans are clearly losing
their dominance in distance races
around the world. Second, all of
the women have jobs and would be


                       KYLE (cont'd)
counted as upwardly mobile
individuals, unlike someone we
Alright everyone hang on. Back to
the fruit basket. OK to shave or
Dude, I don't care if you wanna
chrome polish your sack and paint
messages on there as long as you
don't leave your "remnants" all
over the floor. Next thing you
know people will think we were
sacrificing a Siberian tiger in
Nice one. A jab about the red
hair. Those are rare man, and I am
glad you rose above that.
You know what, you're welcome. I
know that is a contentious point
for you.
A few moments of silence pass as they continue to watch TV.
So seriously? Not OK to talk about
my man functions?
Let it go man. It's over.
      (shaking his head)
And did you just say "man
functions" out loud?
Yes. Yes I did. I think that is a
proper term for discussing those
types of things. Is that alright
with the council?
Those types of things? Please
Chris, enlighten us. What other
things are involved in this
mythical category of yours, "man


                       KYLE (cont'd)
Well, for starters, going number 1
and 2. And not only that-
Wait, wait wait. Going number 1
and 2 are qualified as "man
functions?" Women don't do either
of those?
I've never seen it or heard them
talk about it. Until then...
That's true. I'm with him.
I can't believe this conversation
right now. So you're telling me
that- No, eff it, I'm not even
going further with this.
Kyle gets up and walks to door and SLAMS it shut as he walks
Unbelievable. So difficult to deal
with, this guy.
I know, I know. And such a simple
conversation. He just goes off.
      (nodding in
I know it.
                                         FADE OUT:
                                         FADE IN:


Bunch of morons...Cannot believe I
have to live with them.
His phone rings, startling him and making him jump. He
answers the phone.
      (on the phone)
What do you need?
No, I am not going to pick you up
Taco Bell, you dicks.
What the hell, are you serious
right now? No. No no. Dicks.
He shuts his phone, more angry than ever.
                                         CUT TO:
Chris closing his phone, still sitting next to Nick.
What the hell? He said no.
Are you kidding me? What is his
problem now? Jesus, its just some
Hey, you wanna watch a UFO Hunters
marathon? Goes till 7 o'clock.
What kind of question is that? Of
course I wanna watch a UFO Hunters
marathon. Fire that damn thing up!
The two lean back in chairs, relaxed for the coming show.
                                         CUT TO:
Kyle walks down an aisle, glancing to both sides for items
to add to his small shopping cart.


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From Jason Whitmore Date 3/5/2008 ***1/2
I liked it... Keep it up!

From David Kiser Date 3/4/2008 ****
this is good! i really enjoyed reading it. The dialogue is very funny, this needs to be filmed.

From Fish Stark Date 3/2/2008 ***1/2
Funny. Good characters. Nice dialogue. Took away half a star becuase it was a little hard to understand what was going on....but overall great. This might make a good sitcom...you should just fill your reader in a little more, otherwise everything is great. I can't wait to see more of your work in the near future.

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