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by David C Kerr & Nicholas P Baker (davematthewsfan1984@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
What does finding the girl of your dreams, a break before ivy league school, a bottle of lube, and the most famous mariachi player in all of Mexico have in common? They all are what four friends set out to find in this comedic feature called Tijuana Car Wash. What happens in Mexico sometimes doesn't stay in Mexico.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

NICK 18 years old, dark features, good looking and fit
stands in his bedroom. He is dressed in a plaid dress shirt.
His upper half is all we see.
I know that...that for the past
four years we've just...just been
friends...and...and don't get me
wrong, it's been great...
Takes a deep breath
                       NICK (Con't)
...but I have to tell you
something...I'm in love...and...
it's with you...I always have
been...You're just...You're the
first thing I think of when I...
Nick's face lights up
                       NICK (Con't)
What? You feel it too?...I can't
believe it...I...
Nick's face lights up and he smiles.
                       NICK (Con't)
A kiss?
Nick leans in for a kiss. It's revealed that he has been
talking to a mirror, and is now kissing it. His younger
brother ADAM, 13 years old walks in and sees this.
Nick turns around staring blankly at his brother. He tries
to play the whole thing off.
I was just trying to get a closer
look...Chapped lips ya know?
Seriously creepy and awkward man.
Anyway Jonathan's here to pick you
up for the party hot lips.


Nick nods his head
                       ADAM (Con't)
And by the way...try using less
tongue next time bro..she'll thank
ya for it.
                                         CUT TO
Nick is running out of his house towards JONATHAN'S brand
new BMW. Jonathan 18, is an exceptionally good looking man
with lighter features. He is well groomed and is wearing a
nice polo with an alligator emblem on it.
                                         CUT TO
Johnathan rolls down the window.
What's up bro?
Same shit different day. I can't
believe your Pops gave you his
wheels for the night.
Naw man....it's mine now...my Dad
gave it too me for getting into
Damn Jonathan....must be nice
being as smart as you.
What can I say? God loves me. Hop
in man the nights-a-wastin'.
Nick jumps in the passenger seat. The two pull out of the
Nick's driveway.


We heading out to Crazy Steve's?
Relax Nick...we gotta make a pit
stop and pick up Rob first.
Nick and Jonathon pull up to ROB'S house. It's a small home
that looks like it needs some serious repairs. They stand at
his front door.
I don't understand why we have to
bring Rob, he's been such a tool
lately. The whole "modeling" thing
has gone to his head.
Jonathan rings the door bell.
I know, but lets be honest...he's
solid entertainment.
Rob, a tall athletic build, with a long face and a big nose.
He is wearing two polo shirts, the bottom one is green the
top one is pink. Both of his collar's are popped and he is
wearing aviator sunglasses. He opens the front door. He is
overly excited.
How do I look?
Nick and Jonathan look at each other.
                                         CUT TO
Jonathan and Nick sit up front. Rob is in the middle of the
back seat leaning forward.


Dude man, Steve's is gonna be off
the chiz-ains! I heard that he got
like eleven kegs! There's gonna be
so many drunk, willing and able
bodies in that place...Rob is so
getting some ass tonight!
The chiz-ains? And are the dual
polo's really necessary?
Jonathan turns around and faces Rob.
And what's with you talking in
third person? What, are you The
Rock? Cut that shit out or you can
What are you talking about? This
outfit and my game are official.
Yeah well, you officially look
like Lance Bass.
Before or after he was gay?
What does it matter?!
Rob has a concerned look on his face.
It matters big time. I need to
know if one of my best friends is
a pillow biter.
I dunno man, those jeans are kinda
Jonathan smirks at Nick. They are obviously trying to give
Rob a complex. Jonathan looks at Rob in the rear view


Hey Rob...instead of going to the
party do you want us to drop you
off at The Man Hole on Halsted?
Yeah man, you can park in the
Rob sits up.
Dudes! I'm not gay!
Rob pulls out his cell phone.
                       ROB (Con't)
I've made hot stimulating love to
tons of babes! Dude, I'll call
Sabrina right now...she'll tell ya
man...she'll fuckin' tell ya.
Gear down there big shifter, we're
messing with you.
You swear?
Yeah Rob, we know you're not
gay...I think.
Damn right, the good lord blessed
the ladies of the world with these
tender loins.
Jonathan looks at Nick.
Pay no attention to Rico Suave in
the back...Are you finally gonna
tell Ashley how you feel?
Nick just looks out the window.
                                         CUT TO


The guy's pull up to Crazy Steve's house. It is a large home
with dozens of cars parked all over the lawn. Twenty plus
kids are on the front yard. Loud hip hop music can be heard
faintly through the walls. They walk up to the front door.
We are greeted by CRAZY STEVE, 19 years old, he is tall,
medium build with dark hair and eyes. He is wearing a poncho
and a viking helmet.
What's up AMIGOS?
Not a thing...thanks for the
invite to your party!
You think I wouldn't invite my
best friends? Happy graduation
ass-hats, we did it!
The guys all give Steve hugs and high fives.
Hold on a sec Steve, don't you
have to go back this summer?
Eat poo, gym class is a bitch!
Yeah gym class is a bitch...
Steve looks Rob up and down.
Rob, the only three people allowed
to pop their collar are Elvis,
Elvis impersonators and Dracula.
Rob adjusts his collar.
Yeah well...nice...
Crazy Steve starts pelvic thrusting towards Rob.
Yeah, your sister gave it to me.


HENRY, Mid 40's Vietnamese man with fresh cuts on his face,
opens his front door from across the street. He has the
stereotypical bad Asian accent. He and Steve get into a
shouting match from their front porches.
Hey Steve? Your mom know you have
party hardy time?
Why don't you shut your face and
mind your business Henry?
Oh you funny like comedian...how
'bout I call police? You not old
enough for drink time.
The poe-reece? How 'bout I open
your face with my rake again?
Steve reaches inside the front door and reveals his lawn
rake. He holds it in the air exposing it to Henry. Henry
rubs his hand on the cuts, obviously from a rake to the
face, on his cheek.
Fuck you white devil!
      (Mocking Henry's
Faahh Q too Henry!
Henry slams his door, runs into his house and turns off his
lights. We can see him staring through the blinds in the
dark. Steve smacks the rake three times in his hand and
shakes his head no. Henry snaps the blinds shut in fear.
That's right bitch!
What's that all about?
That punk ratted me out last time.


Well that was a totally random
Yeah, I did not see that coming...
Long pause between the guys.
                       NICK (CON'T)
Anyways thanks for having us man!
Let's make tonight count.
Knock that gay shit off! Rob, take
off the fucking glasses and let's
do some goldfish shots!
What are goldfish shots bra?
Nick spots ASHLEY, 18 years old, gorgeous blonde hair and
green eyes from across the room.
I'm out this round guys
Nick walks away to the kitchen where Ashley is having a
                       ROB (OS)
He didn't really nail my sister,
did he?
Nick! Oh my god! How are you?
A lot better with you here! Can
you believe we're already
I know it's so wild...but I'm so
gonna miss sitting next to my
handsome lab partner...
Ashley gives Nick a shy yet flirtatious look and bats her


Yeah, you were pretty much the
envy of every girl in the room.
They laugh.
                       NICK (Con't)
Seriously though...I never
would've passed if it wasn't for
Hush up, you would've done fine
without me.
There is a brief awkward silence between the two.
So, did you end up getting
anything good for graduation?
Yeah, mostly money, a new watch
and a gift card to that new sushi
place you were talking about.
Oh my God! That place looks so
We'll just have to find out now
won't we? What you say you and I
go...how about this weekend?
Yes! I can't wait!
Alright, it's a date!
I already know exactly what I'm
going to wear...
You could wear sweatpants and a
stained t-shirt and still look
Ashley smiles, blushing, and reaches over and touches Nick's


Oh stop it! You're the sweetest
guy ever!
Ashley goes to hug him. Over Nick's shoulder she spots
                                         CUT TO
B-RAD, 20 years old, spiked hair and a fake tan walks in the
front door. He is a muscle head with a VERY tight t-shirt on
that reads: MOM'S DIG ME. By his walk, we can tell he thinks
he is the man.
Who does The Brad have to jerk off
to get a beer around here?
                                         CUT TO
I can't believe it...it's Brad.
Yeah, I thought you two broke up?
Well...we did but...
Brad struts over and cuts in between Nick and Ashley.
Hey gorgeous!
I thought I told you we were done
Brad gives her puppy dog eyes. Nick puts his hand up by
Brad's chest.
Brad, just leave her alone man.
Brad pushes Nick's hand away.
Not now chief!
Nick, I'm so sorry, can you just
give us a minute?


Of course, I'll be right over
Nick takes a few steps away, just out of ear shot.
You have no idea how embarrassing
it was to see you on that spring
break video making out with some
Come on babe...nothing happened
with that girl in Cabo except that
kiss! I was on camera and got
caught up in the moment! It meant
Brad, everybody saw it, I can't
get that nasty image out of my
You know you're the only one for
me and I promise, it will never
happen again. I've learned from my
mistake. It just took this whole
thing to put my feelings for you
into perspective.
Brad digs into his pocket and pulls out a ring box.
                       B-RAD (Con't)
Here, I got this for you.
Ashley reluctantly opens the box. An expensive diamond ring
is inside.
Brad! It's beautiful!
It's a promise ring babe. I want
you to know how serious I am this
Do you really mean that?


With all of The Brad's little
Ashley wraps her arms around B-Rad. Nick looks on with
disappointment and disgust.
                       B-RAD (Con't)
That's not all either babe...I
have an even bigger surprise for
you tomorrow. Make sure and be up
bright and early!
Ashley gives B-Rad a kiss.
Sometimes you're so sweet Bradley!
I know! Now let's go do some
shots and get wrecked!
B-Rad slaps Ashley's ass as they walk away.
                                         CUT TO
The kitchen is crowded with dozens of party guests and
littered with bottles of booze. Steve, Rob, and Jonathan
lean up against the kitchen island.
                       PARTY GUEST'S
Goldfish shot's! Goldfish shot's!
Goldfish shot's!
You want to see goldfish shot's?
The guest's begin to cheer and get louder. Steve reaches
into a fish bowl on the counter and grabs a goldfish. He
plops it into a glass of booze.
                       STEVE (Con't)
You really want goldfish shot's? I
shit you not I will eat this
fucking thing whole!


                       PARTY GUEST'S
Crazy Steve! Crazy Steve! Crazy
Motivated by the chant of the crowd Steve downs the shot,
goldfish and all. The crowd goes nuts.
Wheeeeew! Burn baby burn!
Steve sprints out of the kitchen and Nick enters.
Wow! He was haulin' ass.
Yeah...he's probably gonna go
Can we talk a minute bro?
Nick looks at Rob.
Yeah...Rob you gonna be okay?
Shit yeah, I'm gonna go get me
some tail. I brought my A game
tonight bros.
Rob pops his collar up.
                                         CUT TO
Nick and Jonathan sit down on the porch steps.
What's up man? Did you tell her?
It better be good news.
That's just it man...it's
not...she just got back with B-Rad
right in front of me.


B-Rad!? That asshole is here?
Jonathan looks back into the house through a window. B-Rad
and Ashley are pounding shots.
                       JONATHAN (Con't)
That's messed up, everyone saw
that video of him making out with
that girl in Cabo!
I know, I don't fucking understand
it man...he shows up, pulls out a
ring, and she forgets the whole
thing ever happened...I guess as
long as she's happy...
Try and forget it man, it's only a
matter of time before he blows it
again. Let's just get retarded
tonight and forget about it...you
Nick smiles and gives Jonathan the rock. Crazy Steve
appears, leading the donkey with a rope.
This donkey is awesome man! He'll
lick beer off any part of your
Crazy Steve walks away speaking fluent Spanish to the
I didn't know Steve spoke Spanish?
You didn't know that? It just
kinda comes and goes when he's
                                         CUT TO
Rob is leaning against the wall talking to an attractive


Are you a parking ticket?
...Cause' you got fine written ALL
over you girl.
Eww...I'll pass.
The attractive girl walks away.
Yeah well...your face...sucks!
Rob leans back up against the wall and adjusts his collar.
      (To himself)
That was money. I still got it
baby, I still got it.
Nick and Jonathan walk back into the kitchen where Ashley
and B-Rad are doing shots. The kitchen is still packed with
people. Loud 80's rock plays in the background. Ashley is
now visibly intoxicated. Brad is urging her to drink more.
      (To Jonathan)
Ashley is looking pretty messed up
Yeah...her face isn't normally
green is it?
Nick passes through the crowd toward Ashley. Before he gets
to her she vomits in the sink. B-Rad looks at her with
Gross babe...that's nasty...I
think some got on my shoe. I
better go clean off.


B-Rad leaves Ashley, who is still vomiting in the sink. Nick
walks up behind her.
Hey Ash...you okay?
Ashley heaves again, very loud this time. Nick holds her
hair back.
                       NICK (Con't)
...let's get you cleaned up.
Nick cleans Ashley off and gives her some water. B-Rad comes
back into the kitchen.
I wanna go home Bradley.
Well "The Brad" isn't finished
drinking yet.
Please...I just...just
wanna...wanna go
I'll take her man, it's no
      (To Ashley)
You see that sweetie? Your "little
friend" can take you home.
Brad begins to walk off. He turns around and faces Nick.
                       B-RAD (Con't)
Hey bro! Make sure you get her
home, I have big plans for her
Come on...let's get you out of
here Ash. Hold on while I get
Jonathan's keys.
Nick walks over to Jonathan.


Jonathan, I need a favor.
Sure thing, what do you need?
Your keys.
No problem...what for?
I'm gonna drive Ashley home, she's
not doing too well and Sir Fuck
Face won't take her.
Cool, hurry your ass up. You got
some catching up to do!
Jonathan hands Nick his keys. Nick walks over to Ashley and
helps her out to Jonathan's car. Ashley leans on Nick and is
Thanks so much for taking me...
Ashley hiccups.
                       ASHLEY (Con't)
Anything for you Ash, you know I'm
always here for ya.
Nick starts driving towards Ashley's house. She lives a few
blocks away. They pull up at her house. Ashley's house is
a large Victorian home, typical of Chicago's north shore
You smell good, Nicholas...how
come you're so nice?
Because its you.
Ashley leans over with her hand on Nick's shoulder.


You're always so nice, and so
Ashley leans over and tries to give Nick a drunken kiss.
They briefly kiss. Nick stops after only a few seconds.
Ash, I can't right now...you're
drunk, and you won't remember this
in the morning...
What's wrong with me...
Nothing! You are perfect! I just
feel like...
      (cuts Nick off)
Don't you like me?
It's not that, I do, but I want to
Just then Ashley's older sister STEPHANIE knocks on the
window of the car. Nick gets out and helps her bring Ashley
Thanks for getting her home safe
Nick. Looks like I almost
interrupted something.
No, no interruption, we were just
You know, I think Ashley really
likes you, you two would be good
Nick looks down at his feet.
I hope so...
Good night Nick.


Nick walks back to Jonathan's car and drives back to the
                                         CUT TO
Rob is leaning against the same wall as before. He stops a
girl that walks past him. This time it's a different one.
Rob makes a male modeling pose to the girl.
Are you a parking ticket?
Almost as fast as Rob can spew out the pickup line the girl
Get a life douche bag! You already
tried that line on my friend ten
minutes ago.
Are you tired? cause you've...
Stop...just stop...
The girl leans in to Rob's ear.
I'd rather have Hillary Clinton's
cankles than five minutes with
The girl walks away laughing.
Oh yeah!....well...I drive a
Nick comes walking up.


Dude...your Porshe is fake.
Nuh uh man its real. Check the
decals man.
Rob...you bought those from some
guy selling things out of his
trunk. It's a kit car man.
Whatever man, its real in my mind.
Jonathan comes running into the room. "Crazy Train" by Black
Sabbath can be heard at a loud volume.
You fucker's better come quick...
Steve's listening to Ozzy
Shit!...not again.
Just then Crazy Steve comes barreling into the room.
      (To Steve)
Bro are you alright?
Steve runs Nick over with a crazed look in his eye. His
viking hat falls to the floor.
Jonathan stands up in Steve's path trying to calm him.
Bad F'ing idea bro!
Outta my way!
Jonathan is hurled to the floor. Steve arrives at the fish
tank in his living room. He rips the top off, hitting a girl
in the face with it. As he digs shoulder deep in the fish


tank with both arms, water is splashed everywhere. He is
screaming OZZY over and over again. He turns around
revealing an Amazon Water Frog which he clenches in his
Dude...please don't do this again!
By this time it is too late. Steve's eyes are dilated and
wide open.
Prince of fucking darkness!
Crazy Steve stuffs the frog head first into his mouth and
begins to bite and tear. Random people are screaming phrases
like "Oh my fucking god!" Steve is growling loudly and rips
the frog in half. He opens his mouth to reveal the frog's
severed head. He chews it up and swallows it down. He spikes
its legs on the floor.
I'm going to fuckin' bed!
Steve hurdles over the crowd and sprints upstairs.
      (To Rob and Nick)
I don't know about you...but I
need a beer.
The entire room has gone silent.
                                         CUT TO
It is very late now. People are filtering out of the house
and getting into their cars. Nick, Jonathan and Rob are
standing in the front lawn. A party go-er is loading the
donkey into his pickup truck. The party is over.
Dude, did you see that chick from
central with the big tits? I
totally gave it to her in the


No you didn't, your shirt'ssss
aren't even wrinkly...fag.
Whatever dude, she was totally
thinking it.
Listen to this guys, when I was
driving Ashley home, she kissed
That's awesome bro! How was it?
Not too much tongue?
Rob leans over and gives Nick a one arm hug and a high five.
Actually, I stopped her.
What? You've been waiting your
whole life for this girl!
She was drunk, you saw her, I
couldn't do it when she's like
Very good, always the respectful
thing with the girl you love.
When I dropped her off, her sister
basically told me that Ashley is
into me.
You're in dude...you're in. By the
way, how'd her sisters tits look?
Nick looks towards the driveway where he sees B-rad talking
to a sophomore, they start making out.
Fuck this! This time this
assholes not getting away with it.


Jonathan whips out his cell phone and takes a picture with
the camera.
                       JONATHAN (Con't)
This time we got him by the balls.
                                         CUT TO
It is early morning. We see the kitchen where Jonathan is
sipping a cappuccino while reading the Wall Street Journal.
Steve is making Denver Omelette's.
Where'd you learn how to cook?
From an oooold Chinese woman bro.
Since when are you hanging out
with old Chinese women?
I met her online...you don't even
know the things she taught me.
Yeah...that's not creepy.
Nick walks into the kitchen, hair messed up and sits down at
the kitchen table rubbing his eyes.
What's going on guys?
You mean besides me cooking the
shit out of these eggs?
What the hell was with you last
night anyways?
All three get a laugh out of it. Steve goes back to cooking


I can't even believe Brad last
night, let me see that pic on your
phone again.
Jonathan shows Nick the picture of Brad making out with a
girl. Nick stands up with the phone in his hand.
Steve, look at this!
Nick hands the phone to Steve and Steve looks at the
Damn, looks like you've got a
little something to show Ashley.
After breakfast you need to see
her and tell her whats what.
We hear Rob stumbling through the house.
      (To Nick)
And by the way, don't say a thing
about Rob's face.
As Nick says this, Rob walks into the kitchen. He has "I
love cock" written on his forehead with black marker.
Smells good! What's for breakfast
Denver omelletes, ham off the bone
and my specialty, firehouse hash
      (To everyone)
You guys still coming over to
watch the game?


Your goddamn right we are!
Let's hurry up and eat...the
game's at noon.
Steve serves Denver omelette's, ham, and hash browns for
himself, Jonathan, and Nick. Rob's place mat is empty.
Don't worry Rob... I made you
something special...
It better be an egg white omelet,
and if you have fruit instead of
hash browns, that would be great,
gotta watch my carb intake.
Steve gets up, gathers a large popcorn bowl, a wooden spoon
and a box of Trix. He slams it down in front of Rob.
Milks in the fridge.
Rob gets up, disgusted look on his face, and opens the
refrigerator door revealing no milk.
There's no fucking milk in here.
A beat.
Use water.
Rob turns around and looks at them eating their omelette's
with a dejected look on his face.
Gee Rob, I didn't know you like
Rob looks at his reflection in a mirror in the kitchen and
tries rubbing the writing off of his head.
Dudes, that's not true!


Nick, Jonathan, and Steve laugh.
                                         CUT TO
Jonathan is laying on his bed. There is a knock at his
bedroom door. It is his FATHER, a good looking man in his
mid 40's. He is carrying a Yale pamphlet.
Welcome home Dad, how was
                       JONATHAN'S DAD
You know how those bureaucrats are
down in Congress, all talk and no
action. Listen, more important
things to discuss with you right
Jonathan's dad sits down on the bed next to him, opens up
his briefcase and pulls a stack of papers and a book out.
Whats all this?
                       JONATHAN'S DAD
This is a little study material to
get you acquainted with Yale, I
spoke with the dean on the phone
and had a few things faxed over
for you to get a head start on the
school year.
Wow. I guess I've got some fun
plans this summer...
Jonathan's dad stands up from the bed and walks toward the
                       JONATHAN'S DAD
Listen, you just need to buck up,
I pulled some strings to get you
on this path, I expect you to have
this read and the work in it done.
And I mean perfect, ok? You're a
United States Senator's son, I
expect nothing less from you than


Jonathan's dad walks out of the bedroom and closes the door.
      (To himself)
Yes sir Mr. Senator...
The guys are all sitting around drinking beers and watching
the game in Jonathan's basement. It is finished with a
stocked bar, a pool table, and lots of expensive sports
memorabilia. Everyone is cheering and excited about the game
except Nick.
Guys, I gotta call Ashley.
Nick walks across the room and calls Ashley's house. Her
mom answers the phone.
Hey Mrs. Davis, how are you? Is
Ashley around?
                       MRS. DAVIS (OS)
No Nick, you just missed her. She
won't be back for a little over a
week. Didn't she tell you?
No, she didn't tell me anything,
everything ok?
                       MRS. DAVIS (OS)
Of course, everything is fine. Her
boyfriend Bradley surprised her
with a trip to Tijuana Mexico this
morning...they took off already!
Really?...ok...thank you Mrs.
Davis, I'll talk to you soon...
Nick hangs up the phone and walks back to the other guys. He
looks white and very upset.
Looks like someone needs to hit
the tanning bed.


Not everyone is a meterosexual
like you Rob. Whats going on
Nick, you alright?
No, no, I'm not alright...I'm
pretty fucking far from alright...
Dude, you sound like that guy from
Pulp Fiction!
Whatever...that's beside the
point...I just spoke with Ashley's
mom...Brad took her to Tijuana on
Lets go!
I can't go bros, I haven't even
finished my brewski yet!
No moron...I mean let's go to
What? Are you nuts?
Yeah dude...You know I can only
speak Espanol when I'm drunk.
Word...that kinda sounds expensive
Fuck you guys...Just listen to
yourselves... this is for Nick,
this is the guy that has always
had our backs.
The guys look attentively at Jonathan.


When I got caught sleeping with
that married woman by her husband,
who came and picked my half naked
ass up? Nick!
Jonathan runs along the side of Nick's car. He is in only
his boxer's and is carrying his clothes. An angry man is
chasing him with a golf club.
Jesus Christ get in man!
      (Out of breath)
Don't stop driving, he'll catch
me...just roll down your windows!
Jonathan dives head first into the back seat through the
open window. The car drives off leaving the angry man
And Steve! Remember when you got
kicked out of EL Burrito for
rubbing hot sauce in Juan's eyes?
EL Burrito is a hole in the wall authentic Mexican
restaurant. Steve is rubbing hot sauce in JUAN, the taco
chef's eyeballs. Juan is a small Mexican man in his mid
Why does my burrito taste weird
Juan? Not so funny now is it!?
Juan's children look on horrified. There are eleven of them.
They all have dirty faces.


Aye yi yi! Please stop Senor Big
Steve... my nino's are watching.
Uhhh! I hate Juan!
Who picks you up dinner every Taco
Tuesday from there?
My boy Nicky does.
And Rob, who drove you to the dick
doctor after you got that blow job
at the truck stop in Omaha?
      (Looking down)
Nick is sitting in the waiting room reading a magazine. Rob
walks out with the DOCTOR, a man in his 50's. Nick looks up
at them.
You're very lucky son. In my
twenty-two years in the medical
field, that is perhaps the worst
rash I have ever gazed my eyes
Rob scratches his groin.
I still kinda itch.
You guys all would've done the
same thing for me.


Nick...this might be the last time
all four of us are together. This
summer I go off to Yale, then to
law school, Steve is taking over
his Step Dad's business, you're
going away to State, and
Rob's...well Rob's not doing
Shut up dude...I'm pursuing my
modeling career
Whatever Rob, you stand in as an
extra for lineups at the police
It's a start jackass.
Shut up! Guys...we have to do
this, for Nick and for ourselves.
I don't know about you, but I
can't think of a better way to
spend our graduation money.
Steve walks over and slaps hands with Nick.
You make a good point Jon!
I dunno man, I'm trying to save
the money I've made donating sperm
for my head shot pictures.
Lovely... a new generation of
egomaniacal Narcissus'...
Nevermind genius.


C'mon Rob... you know there's
gonna be lots of girlie's!
Fine! I'm in...but it better not
blow my savings, I need those head
Alright! I'll have my Dad's
secretary book the trip.
Tijuana here we come!
Nick, Jonathan and Crazy Steve are loading luggage into
Jonathan's trunk.
Alright, so Ashley's probably
already there by now.
And your point is...?
That place is a zoo man, it's
crawling with people, how am I
supposed to find her?
You know I did my research.
Tijuana is known for its
God damn right it is!
...And its biggest club is "La
Cucka Racha."
Crazy Steve starts doing a Mexican Hat Dance.


"La Cucka Racha, La Cucka Racha,
na na na na na na."
So... you know damn right B-Rad's
gonna be all over that place.
Jon...I'd be lost without you man.
Don't sweat it bro, now help me
finish loading the trunk.
Nick and Jonathon continue loading the trunk with luggage.
Steve's MOM comes running out of the house. She is a petite
white woman. She does not bear much of a physical
resemblance to Steve.
                       STEVE'S MOM
Steven, come here a moment before
you take off. I need to tell you
Steve walks away from the guys and stands next to his mom.
Alright, hold on. Guys! Keep
loading it up, I gotta talk to my
mom for a sec!
                       STEVE'S MOM
Listen, its about your
father...your real father...
You mean the astronaut that died
on the space station? Are they
finally giving him a proper
Steve's mom rolls her eyes. She places both of her hands on
his shoulders.
                       STEVE'S MOM
Your father wasn't an astronaut


What are you talking about mom?
                       STEVE'S MOM
That's just what Carl, err, your
step-dad and I thought would be
best to tell you. Listen, he
lives in Mexico. Tijuana to be
                       STEVE'S MOM
I was about your age when I met
your father down in Tijuana. It
was a girls road trip. We saw him
onstage playing and I couldn't
The club is dimly lit with a small stage. A young handsome
mariachi player sits on a stool. He has a extremely thick
mustache and is outfitted in a sparkly rhinestone covered
suit. He is wearing a large sombrero and cowboy boots. He
makes eye contact as he sings with a young version of
Steve's mother. He points at her in the crowd.
                       MARIACHI PLAYER
      (To Steve's Mom)
Steve's mom looks up toward the sky.
Oh my god mom! I'm the product of
a one-night-stand?
                       STEVE'S MOM
Actually, it was three nights,
Ewww...You should've stayed with
the astronaut story Mom...this one


                       STEVE'S MOM
It's the truth Steven, I thought
it was time to come clean.
Steve's mom flutters her eyes.
                       STEVE'S MOM (Con't)
He is the most famous mariachi
player in all of Mexico. His name
is...Vicente Rodrigo Fernandez.
No fucking way! You're serious
aren't you?
                       STEVE'S MOM
Yes I am, and watch your mouth
Steven! I just thought it was time
for you to know, since your a man
She kisses Steve's forehead.
                       STEVE'S MOM (Con't)
Have a safe trip sweetheart.
They part ways. Steve walks back over to the guys.
Everything alright man?
Actually I'm a little disturbed.
You wanna talk about it?
I'll tell you when we get there,
I'm still trying to process it
Steve picks up his luggage.
That's solid that your cousin is
gonna pick us up from the airport


Yeah I'm kinda glad we have to fly
into San Diego first, I haven't
seen Larry since I was
Plus, San Diego State ranks in the
top ten best party schools my
friends...without a doubt we are
gonna have a blast!
Has anyone talked to Rob?...Where
the hell is he?
He best hurry up... I want to get
a panini from that deli at the
airport... I'm starving
Relax, he'll be here
He better, our flight takes off in
a few hours, and believe me,
Captain Asshole isn't gonna ruin
this trip for anybody... I say we
leave his ass...fuck em!
Cheesy techno music and screeching tires can be heard off in
the background. Rob finally appears down the road, driving
in his fake Porsche. He is doing the trucker honk hand
...dear lord.
Rob pulls up to the curb, parks his car, and pops out of
what he thinks was an amazing parking performance.
Shotgun my ass.
No way man...I'm not sitting next
to you, so I call shotgun.


In all fairness Rob, you have
violated shotgun calling protocol.
...he did?
Jonathan nudges Nick
Yeah Rob, you totally balked.
The rules of the game clearly
state, you cannot call "shotgun"
until you are psychically on the
grounds in which the automobile is
currently residing.
      (Shouting to Rob)
So suck on that!
You guys suck...someone help me
with my luggage.
Wait...help? What did you bring?
Rob begins unloading his bags one after another. He finally
reveals that he has four large suitcases.
Jesus Christ man! Are you Paris
Hilton or something?
Some of us like to have options,
so we can look our best.
Yeah, that or... you're just gay.
Rob throws his bags down.
How many times do we have to go
over this!? I'm not gay!


I don't know man...that sounds
like some serious gay anger to me.
You want a piece Steeeeeve!?
Come get cha some hombre!
Nick breaks them up.
Enough! Just relax...think about
it guys...today we are going on
the trip of our lives...I'm gonna
get my girl... now get in the back
seat so we don't miss our flight!
Steve and Rob load their luggage and get in the back.
Jonathan, those aren't the shotgun
I know...but do you think I wanted
to sit next to him?
                                         CUT TO
Ashley and Brad are overlooking the beach. They just arrived
at their hotel room.
Look how beautiful it is Bradley!
Brad is gazing at a couple of girls in their bikinis. Ashley
takes notice to this.
Yes, yes it is.
Ashley slaps Brad's arm.
Brad! Your here with me, stop
checking out other girls.


I didn't mean them babe, relax.
Brad grabs her hands and looks into Ashley's eyes.
                       B-RAD (Con't)
There is no other girl I would
rather be here with than you baby.
That's more like it Brad, just
hold me.
Brad pulls Ashley in for a hug. Over her shoulder he checks
out the two girls again. He makes a sexy face at them. The
two girls wave and Brad gives them a wink.
The guys are waiting to go through airport security. The
line is long, and the checkpoint is very hectic.
I told you we should've left
without him...look how long this
line is... I can kiss my panini
Screw yourself man! Like you
REALLY need another sandwich!
Yeah, about as bad as you need
another tanning session.
It's bronzer! I don't subject
myself to UV rays!
Maybe you should...you're already
a cancer.
Nobody likes you Steve! Tell him
Steve you know you're my boy.


Yeah man...I'd pretty much take a
bullet for you.
See Rob...fucking cancer. Why
don't you do us all a favor, go
home and eat a shotgun. We just
keep you around for entertainment.
Rob grabs Steve's shirt.
Just because you watch girl on
girl porn while spooning with your
boyfriend doesn't make you not
Rob tries pulling Steve towards him. Steve pushes him off.
Chill out Rob, you seriously need
to get a sense of humor.
An airport SECURITY GUARD takes notice to Rob's loud and
aggressive tone. She begins to walk over. She is a heavy set
woman with short hair and a tight uniform.
Rob calm down man, people are
You better not ruin this for us
and get us kicked out.
He can't help it...he's so full of
gay anger...just let it out Rob.
No dude! I've friggin' had it with
this kid!
Rob is cut off by the security guard.
                       SECURITY GUARD
Excuse me sir, I'm going to have
to ask you to calm down.


You don't get it! This asshole
keeps egging me on!
                       SECURITY GUARD
SIR! Please lower your voice and
choose your words more carefully.
      (Takes a deep
                       SECURITY GUARD
Sir, I over heard and believe me,
there is nothing wrong with being
This spins Rob out of control he begins screaming gibberish
and throwing his arms about. He looks as if he's lost his
mind. His face is bright red.
Jesus man, look at him.
See Rob, even she says nothing is
wrong with being gay.
I can't take this! I'm all fired
up! I'm about to explode! YOU'RE
Rob finally snaps and tries to go after Steve. The security
guard steps in between the two. Steve is trying not to
laugh. The other two guys look scared they might get kicked
out. The Security Guard talks into her two-way radio.
                       SECURITY GUARD
      (Into radio)
Dispatch, we got ourselves a code
eleven in progress...
Code eleven?
                       SECURITY GUARD
What exactly did you mean by
"fired up" and "about to explode"
sir? Are you packing devices?


A large woman in the airport overhears Rob's "threat."
                       LADY IN AIRPORT
Dear god! He's got a bomb!
People begin to run in panic. It is utter chaos.
No, no, no!
Another security guard comes hauling ass over, his name is
AL. He is a large Hispanic man with a shaved head. He slams
Rob to the ground with force.
Get on the ground! Get on the
ground! Get on the ground!
Al lifts Rob up and grabs him firmly by his bicep. He begins
to pull him off to the side.
Not so hard broseph! What are you
You're going to the hole shit bag!
The guys are off to the side. Steve steps forward.
Rob does like going to the hole
with dudes.
I swear to god Steve!
And by god, you mean Alla, don't
you? You terrorist freak of
No I swear!
Rob falls to his knees begging for mercy.
                       ROB (Con't)
I love this country!
What country?


Say it! Say it like you mean it!
America! America...please! I have
nothing on me!
Rob's eyes begin to water.
Get up.
Al brings Rob to an alternate security check point.
Sir, please empty the contents of
your carry-on bag onto the table.
Rob dumps his bag on the table. It's contents reveal several
personal items such as moisturizer, facial cream,
toothpaste, cologne, and personal lubricant. Al picks up the
lube and holds it up in the air towards the light. He
carefully examines it.
And exactly when and were you
planning on using this you sick
son of a bitch?
Our airline bathroom's are not
your own personal
self-gratification pleasure
palace's son.
Al talks into his two-way radio.
      (Into radio)
We got ourselves a perp with
premeditated masturbatory
intentions on our hands here, he's
packing lube.


                       RADIO VOICE (OS)
Exactly what kind of lube are we
talking about?
      (Into radio)
It appears to be of the warming
sensation variety.
                       RADIO VOICE (OS)
Just one second...
Al covers up his two-way radio with his hand.
You better bet your lucky ass this
doesn't violate airline codes...we
could be talking about doing
serious time here.
Rob begins to cry.
I...I...just brought it in case.
In case what? The mood struck
forty-thousand feet up? Are you
trying to earn your wings in the
mile high club while flying solo
Rob makes sobbing and sniffling sounds.
                       AL (Con't)
You make me sick.
                       RADIO VOICE (OS)
It's a go...just neutralize the
lube and let him pass.
Al throws all of Rob's items into the garbage.
      (Into radio)
The lube has been neutralized...I
repeat, the lube has been
Thank you kind sir...


The name is Al...Big Al..Now get
out of my face, and if I catch you
pleasuring yourself in this
airport...may whatever God you
pray to have mercy on your soul.
Rob passes through security where the guys are waiting for
him. He is still sniffling.
I told you to calm down man, is
everything alright?
Yeah man, what did they do?
They confiscated my lube.
You brought lube? I told you guys
he liked men.
Rob opens his mouth to say something.
Don't even think about it man,
both of you guys!
The guys head toward the terminal.
                                         CUT TO
The guys are boarding the plane at the gate. Rob is first in
line. They are greeted by an attractive young red headed
woman checking their tickets.
                       AIRPORT GATE PERSONNEL
      (To Rob)
Sir, we have a family that we do
not want to separate, would it be
acceptable if we moved your seat
to first class?
Rob winks at her.


Are you going to be seated next to
                       AIRPORT GATE PERSONNEL
I'll be staying here in Chicago
sir. Would you like the seat or
Hell yeah! I am first class.
Rob turns around to face the guys and strikes a pose.
Yeah, first class asshole.
You see guys, this is the kind of
shit that only happens to the good
looking people of the world.
The guys shake their heads in disgust. Jonathan motions
toward the airport personnel.
Ma'am, is his head going to fit or
should he check it?
Rob sprints down the ramp, towards the plane.
Where's my hot towel?
This is gonna be good.
The rest of the guys board the plane.
The plane has just reached cruising altitude and the seat
belt lights have turned off. Nick, Jonathan and Steve are
sitting in the same row.
You guys have no idea how glad I
am right now. My dad has been
riding me about getting ready for


Yeah? I think you're doing
alright, I mean, straight A's
seems like a pretty solid start to
Shit, they only graduated me so
they wouldn't have to see my ass
around there again. They don't
even want to fuck with me anymore!
My dad came into my room the other
day when he got back from D.C. and
gave me a whole stack of papers
and some book on "Becoming a Yale
Man" that I'm supposed to read and
report back about.
Well, isn't this what you wanted
to do in the first place? I
thought you wanted to become a
lawyer and go into politics like
your dad?
You know guys, I don't really know
anymore. I've been thinking a lot
about studying psychiatry.
Steve is holding a Playboy in his hands and he tosses it to
Hey Jonathan, study this!
What? A magazine full of girls Rob
can't get?!
Rob is sitting in first class with a hot towel covering his
entire face. The stewardess walks down the aisle.
                       STEWARDESS 1
It's for your hands, sir.
Rob lifts the towel from his face.


I know...I'm opening my pores.
The stewardess walks away. Rob turns to the FIRST CLASS
PASSENGER in the aisle next to him. She is in her
mid-thirties and is attractive. She is reading a book.
I'm a model.
                       FIRST CLASS PASSENGER
Have I seen any of your work?
If you subscribe to GQ you have.
                       FIRST CLASS PASSENGER
Really? What issue?
Uh, it was a March of this year, a
Calvin Klein underwear ad. I'm
the one in the red briefs.
                       FIRST CLASS PASSENGER
Funny, red doesn't look like your
She goes back to reading her book.
                                         CUT TO
Nick, Jonathan and Steve are eating their box meal and
Guys, this all just seems crazy
now that I think about it. What
am I doing? I don't want to come
off as some creepy stalker. What
should I do?
We are gonna drink our asses off,
that's what we're gonna do.
I think he means about Ashley.
Yeah, yeah, she can come too!


Do you think I should show that
picture to her right away or
should I wait a little while until
she's away from B-Rad?
We're just gonna play it cool man.
You know her better than anyone
else. It'll just come to you,
trust me.
The plane begins to shake with subtle turbulence.
It's getting kinda bumpy in here!
                                         CUT TO
Back in first class, the pilot comes on and tells everyone
to please be seated and buckle their seat belts. Rob ignores
the warning from the pilot and is standing next to the
pretty First Class Passenger. He pulls out his passport.
I know what you're thinking, this
is the by far the sexiest passport
photo you've ever seen!
                       FIRST CLASS PASSENGER
The stewardess walks down the aisle toward Rob.
                       STEWARDESS 1
Sir! You need to have a seat and
buckle up, we are going to be
hitting heavy turbulence.
But I look so hot in this picture!
A MALE STEWARD begins to approach Rob.
                       MALE STEWARD
Sir, we're not going to ask you
Just then, heavy turbulence hits. Rob loses his balance and
falls into the Male Steward. He and the Steward fall through
the curtain into the coach seating area. Rob falls face
first on all fours to the ground. The Male Steward falls


landing on Rob's back, in the doggy-style position right in
front of Nick, Jonathan and Steve.
Sometimes Rob makes it way too
                                         CUT TO
The four guys stand outside waiting for Jonathan's cousin
Larry to pick them up. It is gorgeous outside and palm trees
are swaying. Rob sits on his mound of luggage.
We're driving next time.
Why dipshit? It looked to me like
you wanted to CUM fly the friendly
You're just mad because they don't
upgrade ugo's like you into first
And you're just mad that steward
didn't have a condom!
Both of you relax, we need to pay
attention to the matter at hand.
As soon as Larry picks us up
vacation shall begin.
That's what I'm sayin' Jon, I'm so
glad I'm here with my best
friends, and Rob.
What does that mean bra?
A black Ford Bronco pulls up. Heavy metal is pumping out of
its speakers. A short but built kid is driving. A gothic
looking girl is in the passenger seat. He jumps out wearing
dark clothing. It's LARRY, 21 years old. He has jet black
hair, tattoos, eye liner, and several facial piercings.


Jonny boy!
Larry hugs Jonathan.
Jesus man, how have you been?
Just doing my thing, surfing,
studdying, and getting laid!
Well it's damn good to see you.
Mom sends her best... I want you
to meet Nick, Steve, and Rob.
The guys all shake his hand.
Welcome to San Diego boys!
I sat first class.
Yeah? Well now you sit bitch!
Sasha! Get your sexy ass out here
and help load em' up.
SASHA 20 years old, with the same type of style Larry has,
gets out of the truck.
That's really not necessary.
She's a black belt in Ji Jit Su
chief, just watch this shit
Sasha tosses all of the luggage in the trunk with ease.
Wow, wanna work out together
You so much as even look at me
again and I'll fucking kill you.
Sasha hops back into the truck.


She's amazing huh?
I can't even put it into words.
Larry gets back into the truck.
Jonathan, that's your cousin?
What can I say? It's my Mom's
This guy freakin' rocks!
Steve gets in the truck.
                       STEVE (OS)
Got any Ozzy?
      (To Nick)
He's throwing a party in your
honor tonight man. I told him
what's going on.
Just make sure that we keep my
reasons for being down here hush
hush for the rest of the night
                                         CUT TO
They are all driving in Larry's truck, he is speeding like a
maniac down the highway, weaving in and out of traffic.
Hell yeah Larry! You drive like
Yeah, but I don't want to die
before I get some Tijuana lovin!
Slow down bro, seriously!


Sasha, grab that shit under the
seat for me, will ya?
Sasha reaches under the passenger seat and pulls out a glass
bong. She packs it with pot and hands it to Larry.
      (To Rob)
Shut up, smoke this and chill out!
Larry lights up the bong, smokes it once and passes it back
to Rob.
Hit that Robio!
Shut up man, stop calling me that!
Does it look like I'm on the
cover of a romance novel?
Rob takes a huge hit off the bong, coughs, and passes it
next to him to Steve.
Damn Rob! That's the biggest hit
I've ever seen!
My lungs hurt.
Steve smokes the bong and passes it to Nick and Jonathan.
No thanks bro, you know I don't
Uh-uh, I'm straight.
Sasha takes the bong away from Jonathan and smokes. She
passes it back to Larry.
Alright fellas, we gotta make a
quick stop and pick up some party
Larry makes a hard turn into a liquor store. He jumps out
of the truck and heads inside. Sasha follows behind him.


You guys chill here, we'll be
right back.
Steve, how you feeling? I can't
feel my hair.
I said I can't feel my hair! I'm
totally cheesed! I think I'm
gonna die! Am I gonna die?!
You already are dead man!
Stop it! No I'm not! Make it
stop! How do I make it stop?!
Jonathan leans over the seat and slaps Rob in the face.
Relax! You can't make it stop!
Just ride it out. I should have
warned you guys, my cousin is an
amateur horticulturist...
What the hell does that mean?
Jesus you guys are dumb. He grows
his own shit!
Someone give that man a raise. I
am seriously out of my head.
Water, I need water...
Just then Larry and Sasha walk out to the car wheeling a
pair of kegs and some bottles of liquor. Sasha and Larry
grab the kegs and toss them in the back of the truck.


Who said something about water?
The only things we're drinking is
cold beer and Jack Daniels. Pull
up your skirt Sally.
Larry peels out of the parking lot and heads toward his
Larry's house is packed full of metal heads. It's well into
the party, everyone is buzzed. It is a large older home.
Loud music is playing. People are drinking and mingling.
Attention everybody! This is my
new friend Nick! He is here
because some SKANK doesn't
appreciate who he is!
Larry points at Nick.
                       LARRY (Con't)
Now! How many of you girls would
love to jump his bones?
Girls throughout the party scream and yell.
      (To Nick)
Trust me, you're in big trouble
But I'm really...
Larry cuts Nick off mid-sentence.
That didn't embarrass you, right?
You're getting laid tonight my
man, I guarantee it!
A very attractive girl comes walking over. Her name is MIA,
She has blonde hair with pink highlights.
Hey Nick, I'm Mia... we should get
you a drink. Come with me.
Mia grabs Nick's hand and pulls him away from the guys.


Look at that Jonathan, one of
Sasha's friends is gonna nurse
your boy back to health.
      (To Larry)
Hey man, make an announcement for
me too!
Larry ignores Rob's comment.
      (To Larry)
Don't worry about him, got any
more of that shit from the car?
You think that batch was good?
Follow me upstairs. Sasha, take
care of Jonathan while we're gone.
                                         CUT TO
Nick and Mia are sitting outside on the front porch.
Are all the boys back in Chicago
as cute as you?
Ha! I don't know, but I know all
the California girls can't
possibly look as good as you!
Mia puts her hand on Nick's arm and leans in for a kiss.
Nick turns away.
I'm sorry. Did I do something
No, no, not at all. Its just,
that girl from back home...
She must be really special, huh?


Yeah, she really is. She's dating
this total asshole who's always
cheating on her, and we came all
the way out here so I could tell
her I love her.
Mia touches his leg.
That is the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.
They are interrupted by Crazy Train by Ozzy Osbourne playing
on the radio, Nick jumps up to run inside the house.
Damnit! Mia, I gotta get inside!
What's wrong?
You don't know Steve, this song
could mean very bad things for
Larry's fish!
Nick runs inside Larry's house.
                                         CUT TO
Nick enters the family room and runs over to Jonathan, Larry
and Sasha who are standing in front of the fish tank.
I know what you're thinking...
Where's Steve!?
Relax, he's already passed out. He
smoked too much of Larry's private
stash. Ozzy in the flesh couldn't
wake Steve up to get him down


You should've seen how much home
grown green that boy smoked... It
was amazing.
Jesus man, I almost had a heart
Yeah, thank God his nights over.
Did Rob go off with some chick?
I've barely seen him tonight.
I think your boy is in the den.
                                         CUT TO
Two stoned guys are sitting on a couch passing a joint. Rob
is standing in front of them.
You see, the trick is to shave
against the grain on your chest.
This allows for maximum
                       STONER 1
What is this dude talking about
                       STONER 2
I have no idea... but his face is
                       STONER 1
Hey crazy face? Why is your face
so crazy?
Whatever bro's... I'm beautiful.
Rob unbuttons his shirt, exposing his stomach and chest.
                       ROB (Con't)
This is perfection.


                       STONER 2
Check it out, his face is all
sharp and pointy and stuff.
Larry enters the room.
Nick and Jon are looking for
you...and why is your shirt
Nevermind... just come on.
Larry and Rob exit the room. Stoner 1 looks down at his
joint confused.
                       STONER 1
Wait...was that a real person?
                       STONER 2
No dude... it was totally a
                       STONER 1
That statue was talking to us man.
                                         CUT TO
Larry and Rob walk into the family room where Nick and
Jonathan are relaxing.
I found your buddy Mr. Universe
posing for a couple of hippies.
I wasn't posing I was instructing!
You've got some deep rooted issues
my friend.
      (To Larry)
Hey cous, I know it's early but we
got a big day tomorrow.


The guest room is all yours guys.
It's got two beds.
Yeah. I've got some prospects
waiting for me in the kitchen.
Sleep well alone... gaylords.
Rob walks off.
I appreciate tonight Larry, but we
gotta pass out.
No worries my man. Hey, I'll let
Mia know that you said goodnight.
Thanks, you've been nothing but
awesome, I owe you.
Jonathan hugs Larry and he and Nick head upstairs. Larry
walks into the kitchen.
Rob! Get your hands off my girl!
                                         FADE OUT.
                                         FADE IN.
Its around 10 A.M. Larry is driving the guys. They pull up
the the U.S. Mexican border. A Mexican officer is waving for
them to pull over into his booth.
This guy's kinda scary looking.
Yeah man, I don't like the look of
this. Steve! hold my shit.
No way man! Screw that!
Larry tosses his stash at Steve. It lands on his lap.


Just crotch it!
Steve puts the pot down his pants. A border patrol agent
named JORGE, a tattooed Mexican man with a shaved head,
walks up. He peers into the drivers window, takes a step
back and draws his gun.
Hands on your head! I can smell
that shit from here! Who's the
Everyone is terrified and hysterical.
It's him! He's got the stash in
his pants!
Rob is pointing out Steve.
You! You, with the goods, get out
of the car now!
Steve gets out of the car and crawls in front of Jorge.
Jorge points his gun at Steve. He's on all fours. Jorge and
Larry start laughing.
Get up! I'm fucking with you
Steve gets up and dusts himself off. He gets back into the
I almost pooped.
Jorge! My boy! That was sick, yet
awesome... how the hell you been
Besides the fact I got six
screaming kids at home?
No worries man, you know I'll take
care of you...Call me after your
shift, I have just the stuff to
mellow you out.


Okay Larry, you guys go ahead.
The guys drive into Tijuana. It's heavily populated with
people and markets. Larry pulls up in front of the hotel the
guys are staying at.
Alright boys, this is the spot.
The guys get out of the car and grab their bags from the
back of the truck.
Nick, Jonathan, come here a sec.
What's going on?
How bad do you want her?
You have no idea.
Then make it happen! Don't you
dare take no for an answer.
Larry shakes Nick's hand and gives him the "rock."
Once every ten years isn't enough.
You need anything while you're
down here, I can be here in an
Larry and Jonathan give each other a hug.
I know, thanks for everything.
Larry drives off. The guys turn around to face their hotel.
It's an old pink stucco high rise hotel on the beach. They
walk inside to check in and go up to their 4-bedroom suite.
Hey guys, the safe is over here.
Trust me, you want to lock up your
extra cash, we're in Mexico.
Nick, Jonathan and Steve pull out around $500 each and put
all but $50 in the safe. Rob looks confused.


Holy shit guys! How much money
did you all bring?!
Why? How much do you have?
Rob pulls out his wallet and starts counting through his
A hundred...a hundred and fifty
Nick, Jonathan and Steve start laughing.
What are you a moron? That's not
gonna last you a night!
Why not? Everything's cheaper
down here!
Yeah, well,you and
strippers...that moneys not gonna
last long.
Whatever dude. They're gonna be
buying me drinks. You'll see. I'm
first class.
Alright, well, whatever. Lets get
everything put away and get this
party started.
The guys all split up to their rooms to put their bags away.
                                         CUT TO
Ashley and B-rad are at a cafe finishing up lunch. The
waiter brings over the check.
Hey babe, why don't you pick this
one up with that graduation money
you just got.


Brad, I paid for everything
Whatever babe, I'm meeting some of
my frat brothers for the jet ski
races. Make sure and be ready for
dinner tonight, look good, my
brothers are gonna be there.
Brad gets up and walks away from the table. Ashley picks up
the check, sighs and pays the bill.
                                         CUT TO
The guys are all sitting on the beach drinking Coronas.
There is a bar on the beach right next to the guys beach
towels. Rob is covering his body in dark brown tanning oil.
He is wearing short tight swim trunks. The rest of the guys
have on long board shorts.
What the hell are you smearing all
over your bald body?
What? This is going to give me a
tan that the ladies won't be able
to resist!
Dude, your shorts are completely
Shut up! You are, or whatever!
Nice Rob. Seriously, if you had a
set of nuts they'd be hanging out
of those hot pants!
Go ahead and laugh, just watch.
Rob spots a group of cute girls in bikinis. He walks over
to them.


Which one of you lucky ladies is
gonna oil up my chest and back?
Rob flexes his pecs right, left, right, left.
                       BIKINI BABE 1
Umm, I've got a drink, my friend
can though.
Bikini babe 2 gives bikini Babe 1 a nasty look. She pulls
down her sunglasses and stares at Robs crotch.
                       BIKINI BABE 2
Ha! Why don't you fill those
shorts out and maybe we can talk.
She puts her sunglasses back on and lays back to get some
                       BIKINI BABE 2 (Con't)
Run along!
Whatever, I was trying to do you
girls a favor.
Rob turns around and walks back to the guys who are all
sitting on the beach laughing.
Rob, I was doing a lot of
watching, now I'm doing a lot of
At least I have the balls to say
something to a girl I like.
Nick stands up.
What the hell is that supposed to
Jonathan stands up in between Nick and Rob. He puts a hand
on each of their chests.
C'mon guys, this isn't why we're
here! Let's be civil.


I'm sorry Nick.
Nick and Rob give each other a quick hug.
Yeah man, lets save our energy.
It's gonna be a long night.
Who wants shots? I want a shot!
Steve is standing, he pounds his fist on the bar.
                       STEVE (Con't)
Camarero! Shots for me and my
                                         CUT TO
The guys are walking into the nightclub. Loud dance music
is playing. It is a large club with multiple floors. There
are three levels of balconies surrounding a stripper pole
and a dance floor. A stripper is on the pole dancing. The
guys follow Rob and walk over and sit close to the stripper.
Alright guys, its time for the
power hour. Shots right now!
Time elapses and the guys do several shots and drinks.
Guys, I am so glad you guys came
down with me. This is crazy!
It only gets better form here, we
are going to find Ashley for you!
And we're gonna find some chicas
for the rest of us!
Dudes, guys! I think that dancer
is totally checking me out!


You mean that nasty skanky
Don't call her that! She's hot!
Hot?! How drunk are you? I got an
STD just looking at her!
Not drunk enough. Watch this,
Rob pulls out a ten-dollar bill and places it in his mouth.
He leans forward toward the dance floor. The stripper
onstage pulls it out of his mouth with her teeth.
Did you see that? She totally
digs me!
Are you nuts? She's a stripper! I
wouldn't fuck her with a dildo in
a slingshot!
Rob pulls out a twenty dollar bill and leans up to the dance
floor again. This time, the stripper comes over and pulls
it out of his mouth with her cleavage.
Yeah bro! If that's what a twenty
gets you, imagine what a fifty
will get you?
Easy with the money Rob!
Yeah dude, I'm not paying for you
Rob ignores them and pulls out a fifty dollar bill and puts
it in his mouth. He lays on his back on the dance floor. The
stripper motions to another dancer. They both work their
way over to him as he squirms on his back on the dance
floor. She leans down and licks his face.


                       STRIPPER 1
How would you like a Tijuana Car
Hell yeah! I knew it!
Stripper 1 motions to the other stripper who straddles his
hips. Stripper 1 glances up at the DJ on the balcony and
makes a hand motion to him. She squats on top of Robs face
and pulls the fifty dollar bill out of his mouth with her
thighs. She then grinds on his face.

Just then, the DJ cuts the music and makes an announcement.
                       LA CUCKA RACHA DJ
Everyone draw your attention to
the dance floor! This is what we
call a Tijuana Car Wash!
Everyone in the club stops dancing and talking and looks
over. Rob is squirming on the dance floor in excitement.

Stripper 1 grabs a bottle of tequila and pours it in Rob's
mouth. She places a lime in Stripper 2's mouth and bites

Stripper 1 takes the lime juice in her mouth and spits it in
Rob's mouth. The crowd screams and cheers.

5 more strippers come running out onstage. They kneel on
his legs and arms. Stripper 2 grabs a beer from the bar,
shakes it up with her hand over the top and shoves it down
Rob's pants. Foam and beer come pouring out of his jeans.

Rob starts yelling and starts to squirm and make a face
that he is nervous and wants up.
Get off me! Get off me!
The strippers sitting on him do not let him move.

Stripper 1 then unbuttons Rob's jeans and pulls them down a
few inches revealing Rob's swimming trunks. She looks up at
the crowd and everyone in the place is cheering. She nods,
leans down, and bites Rob's swim trunks. She tears a huge
hole in them and spits a piece of the material onto the
Give him the works!


Rob begins to freak out, but he cannot move. She grabs his
dick with her hand and shoves it in her mouth for a few
seconds. Then, she lets go and all the strippers get up. Rob
jumps off the stage in horror and the crowd screams.
Oh my God Rob! I'm pretty sure
you just got herpes!
                       LA CUCKA RACHA DJ
Ladies and gentleman, the Tijuana
Car Wash!
The crowd cheers again. The DJ turns the music back on and
people start dancing again. Rob runs out of the club
leaving the other guys behind.
Should we go after him and see if
he's alright?
Why? He got what he wanted didn't
And he got himself a souvenir
too...a lifetime souvenier!
Dude, I'm done with this place, I
don't see Ashley anywhere. I'm
heading back.
No offense, but we're gonna stay
and find some girls. You know
your way back?
Definitely. You guys have fun!
Nick walks off to leave the bar. He walks through the front
door and into the street.
Nick is walking down the street back to the hotel. Many
other people are out in the street too. He glances around
and spots Ashley and her friend BECKY. Becky is a pretty
brunette with brown eyes and a nice figure.


Ashley! Ashley!
Ashley looks over and sees Nick. She runs over to him and
gives him a big hug.
Oh my God Nick! What are you doing
I came down here with Jonathan,
Steve and Rob.
I can't believe it, this is so
Becky makes flirtatious eye contact with Nick.
Hello, who is this?
Ashley makes an uncomfortable face for a second.
This is my friend I was telling
you about, NICK. Nick this is
      (Whispering to
Wow, he's way cuter than Brad...
What are you doing tomorrow? I
have something I want to talk to
you about.
Well, I'm down here with Brad, but
he has this fraternity thing all
day tomorrow, want to do lunch?
Yeah, of course. You still owe me
for that sushi date.


Okay, there's this great little
place down by the pier. Does
twelve-thirty work?
It's a date, again.
Good, I can't wait.
They hug and walk away from each other.
Uh-oh, Brad's gonna be pissed!
                                         CUT TO
Nick is walking into the hotel room. It is late at night.
Rob is on the floor doing pushups listening to his
headphones with his shirt off facing the closet mirror. Nick
walks into his room and goes to bed.
      (To himself)
Feel the burn baby. You da man.
You da man. You're the hottest
piece of ass around...
                                         CUT TO
Jonathan and Steve are outside of their hotel making out
with a couple of girls.
Same time same place tomorrow
Jonathan and Steve walk into the hotel and the girls walk
                                         CUT TO


Jonathan and Steve walk into the hotel suite. They are very
drunk. As they turn the corner, they see Rob. Rob is
staring into the mirror talking to himself and jerking off.
Yeah, you're so ssexy! No girl
can handle you, oh yeah!
What are you doing?!
Rob turns away and pulls up his shorts.
Dude! Were you just talking
dirty...to yourself?!
Hey man, no one knows how to take
care of Rob like Rob.
That's pathetic! While you were
spanking your monkey and staring
at yourself in the mirror Jonathan
and I were out hooking up with
some chicks we didn't have to pay
How'd you like that Tijuana Car
Wash? That was twisted!
Rob gives them a dirty look.
If you guys would excuse me, I've
got some more push ups to do.
Tomorrow, is my time to shine.
Jonathan and Steve walk to their rooms to go to bed. Rob
continues to do push ups.
      (To himself)
Look at you, you are a God...I
wish I still had my lube.


                                         CUT TO
The guys are all waking up. Jonathan is siting in the
kitchenette drinking coffee and reading the paper. Steve
and Nick walk out of their rooms. Steve notices Rob passed
out on the floor with his headphones on. He gives Rob a
good morning kick.
Guess who I saw when I left the
club last night?
Ashley? No way man, you saw her?
Yeah, she was walking out of some
Did you tell her?
Not yet, I couldn't, she was with
a friend.
Was her friend hot?
You probably wouldn't think she's
as hot as your hand!
I'm going to meet her for lunch
right now. What are you guys
gonna be doing?
Rob is looking in his wallet.
Shit guys. I only have twelve
dollars left.
I told you idiot! You burned
through that money in one night!
What am I supposed to do?


Ugh! Tell you what, I can loan
you a hundred and fifty, but you
better pay me back soon as we get
Yeah, I'll give you a hundred when
I get back from lunch too if you
need it. I gotta go guys!
                                         CUT TO
Ashley is already at the cafe when Nick walks over and sits
Fun night last night?
It was insane! You should have
seen what happened to Rob!
Well, tell me?
Nick describes all the events that happened to Rob. They
start laughing. There is an awkward silence after they
                                         CUT TO
Jonathan, Steve and Rob are walking through the market
place. There are hundred of vendors selling souvenirs.
How's it feel to be my bitch for
the day Rob, huh?
I promise I'll pay you back right
You better!


As the guys are walking through the market place, Steve
notices a poster it reads: "Vicente Rodrigo Fernandez:
Tonight Only!" Jonathan and Rob keep walking. Steve is
staring at the sign.
Steve...Steve...you coming or
Yeah, right behind you guys...
The guys stop at a corner to figure out where they are
going. A skinny black man, the STREET GAMBLER, walks over
to him. The guy sets down a newspaper, three plastic bottle
caps and a small ball. He is setting up for the "Shell
Game." He starts taking bets and the guys look on. They
see the man drop the ball a couple times and two guys win.
The Street Gambler appears to be very bad.
                       STREET GAMBLER
Who wants to play for some big
I do! I've got one-hundred and
fifty dollars on it!
Rob! Stop!
It's a scam you dumbass! Put your
money away!
Screw that! I'll pay you back in a
minute when I win!
The Street Gambler moves over in front of Rob and looks in
his wallet that is held open.
                       STREET GAMBLER
Okay, okay, we got a player here.
Watch the ball, it goes under the
middle and moves around.
The Street Gambler starts spinning the caps in circles
around each other. He flips the ball into the air and
catches it behind his back with another cap. He is very
good now. He stops spinning and looks up at Rob. Rob looks
at Jonathan and Steve who are both staring blankly at the
caps, shaking their heads.


                       STREET GAMBLER
I make it easy on you, it ain't
the right cap!
He picks up the right cap to reveal that no ball is
underneath and throws it on the ground.
The player that won money before Rob starts talking to him.
Oh,man! You got it! You got it!
Its the middle cap bro! The
middle cap!
Yeah, yeah! The middle cap!
The Street Gambler lifts the middle cap to reveal no ball.
He then lifts the left cap and the ball is underneath.
                       STREET GAMBLER
Pay up.
Screw that man! You ripped me off!
I'm not giving you a penny!
Just as Rob is saying this, a large black man comes up from
behind Rob and grabs his wallet. The Street Gambler pulls
the money out of the wallet and hands it back to Rob.
                       STREET GAMBLER
Nice doing business with you.
The Street Gambler and his friends walk off laughing. Rob
is speechless, staring into his empty wallet.
Rob! You idiot!
I told you so!
Son of a bitch! Now what am I
gonna do?!


Well I've had my fill of stupid
for the day, lets just get the
hell outta here.
The guys keep walking down the street. They come across a
group of dirty faced children holding boxes of Chiclet's
gum. They are selling it and yelling.
                       MEXICAN CHILDREN
Chicla! Chicla! Chicla!
Jonathan smirks and turns toward the children. He begins to
speak to them in Spanish.
      (In Spanish)
Our friend here, Rob, is a very
wealthy, very important man from
America. He flew all the way down
here to help feed you children. He
has lots of money and will not
leave Mexico until he has given it
all away to the needy.
The Mexican Children begin to surround Rob. They are all
excited, hope is in their eyes. They are cheering Rob and
holding their hands up for money from him.
I don't have any money! Leave me
alone! You all smell like urine!
You're damaging my aura and
messing up my Chi!
A man from the marketplace overhears what's going on. He
heard Jonathan and is angry Rob is not giving the children
any money.
                       MARKET VENDOR
Hey ese! What's your problem, eh?
Why don't you give the kids some
money! Pinche rich American!
You don't understand! I don't
have any money! I lost it all!
Rob pulls out his pockets revealing no money.
                       MARKET VENDOR
I heard your friend. You think I'm
stupid? You better give them some
money or I'll rough you up and


                       MARKET VENDOR (cont'd)
take it ese!
Rob turns and runs away. The children chase after him.
Jonathan and Steve continue walking like nothing is wrong.
They are laughing.
                                         CUT TO
So listen, I wanted to talk to you
about something.
Yeah, what's going on?
Well, it's kind of about you and
Brad...and what you told me in the
car back home.
I know, its just, Brad took me
here, and I feel like I should
give him another chance, even
though I think about other
Ashley blushes and, looking down at the table, peeks up at
                       ASHLEY (Con't)
But you don't know him like I do,
he's changed.
If you only knew...
He's an ass, he doesn't deserve
you. I would never cheat on


Why are you bringing that up
again? Brad and I got past that,
he's changed!
Yeah, let me show you how much
he's changed. Jonathan took a
picture at Steve's last week
making out with some girl after I
drove you home.
Nick starts fumbling with his phone.
Nick, that's ridiculous.
No it's not! I'll have Jonathan
text me the picture right now.
Nick, please stop this...
Ashley stands up from the table.
Ashley, why would I lie to you?
You know what Nick, at least he
has the guts to pull the trigger!
Ashley turns and storms off. Nick slumps back into his
seat, dejected. The waiter comes by and he pays the bill.
                                         CUT TO
Nick walks back into the room where the guys are sitting.
Rob has his face buried in his lap.
What the hell is wrong with him?
He lost the money Jon gave him to
a street hustler.


Yo Nick? Can I get that hundred
you promised me?
I don't think so pal, you're cut
Well how am I supposed to party
You'll pre-game it with whatever
we give you, and if you don't
bitch maybe we'll buy you a few
drinks at the bar.
How was lunch man?
Disastrous, she wouldn't listen to
me about Brad. She thinks I'm
making it up.
Unreal... what are you gonna do?
I don't know man, get drunk with
you guys I guess.
That a boy Nicholas...it's nothing
a few Jaeger Bombs can't fix.
Can I have one?
You get what we give you.
Steve slams down a cheap bottle of Mexican Tequila. It is in
a sketchy looking bottle, a worm sits on the bottom.
                       STEVE (Con't)
Start drinking.
Eww, I'm not touching that crap.
Rob only drinks Patron.


Not today Rob doesn't...bottoms
For every three shots you take,
we'll buy you a drink at the club.
And if you eat the worm...we'll
take extra good care of you.
I need a drink.
Steve pours Nick a stiff Jack and Coke.
Give me the worm!
Steve hands Rob the Tequila worm. Rob holds it up and
inspects it.
                       ROB (Con't)
Ha! This things got more girth
than Steve's dick!
Funny, eat it man...it's now or
Rob eats the worm. The guys get ready to go out.
                                         CUT TO
The guys are back at the same club again. Loud dance music
plays. The guys take a round of shots. Steve looks down at
his watch.
Guys, I'll be right back.
Where are you going? Our girls are
meeting us here soon.
Steve starts to walk away.


There's just this one thing I
gotta do.
My stomach kinda hurts...I think
the worm is still alive.
Don't be a pussy.
Becky walks past the guys. She notices Nick and stops.
It's Nick right?
Yeah...hey...how are you Becky?
      (To Becky)
Hello, hello...I'm Rob.
Becky looks Rob up and down.
Hi...anyway Nick, I heard your
lunch didn't go so well today.
I was just trying to tell her what
a sneaky prick Brad is...he still
cheats on her, we saw him.
My, my, sounds like you've got
quite a crush.
He fuckin loves that bitch!
Friggin relax man.
No worries...let me get your
friend here a drink to chill him
Make sure you get him home safe
and sound, he's got fag practice
bright and early tomorrow morning!


Becky grabs Rob's arm and walks him toward the bar. Rob
looks back at the guys and lifts his eyebrows up and down
with a grin.
                                         CUT TO
Steve stands outside an old run down bar. He looks up at the
front door and sees a poster with Vicente's name on it. He
walks inside. VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ is on stage playing.
He is dressed in the same attire from before. The small club
is solely lit by the light from hundreds of candles
surrounding the stage. Women sit in the front row holding
roses and are gazing up at Vicente. He ends his song and is
showered in rose petals. He bows and walks over to the bar.
Everything he says is in a sexy Latin accent. Steve follows
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
      (To Bartender)
I shall have four fingers of your
finest scotch.
Steve walks up next to him.
I love you.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Everybody loves Vicente.
No, I mean it...I love you.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Ahh...but you must understand, I
love nothing but the music.
You are my Dad.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Alas, this cannot be...for I
always pull out early.
Vicente takes a slow sip of his scotch.
Here, look at this.
Steve pulls out a picture of his Mother from his wallet.


                       STEVE (Con't)
See? Do you remember her?
Vicente takes the picture from Steve's hand. He examines it
closely and closes his eyes, tilting his head backwards.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Yes, your mother was a great
lover. The passion did not end for
three days and three nights. I
remember her as though she were in
my arms yesterday.
Dad, I need to know everything
about you!
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Si, si. But I am a man of the
people, and tonight I must play.
When will I see you again?
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
When next...the sun rises. And
pending a paternity test, I will
acknowledge you as my Mijo.
Steve gives Vicente a hug.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ (Con't)
Child, you must now go. For the
music only stops long enough for
me to fill my weathered liver with
more booze.
Dad, I need to see you tomorrow.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
When the last of my lovers have
left my abode, I shall come for
you at the Tijuana pier.
Vicente begins to walk away and stops. He turns around to
face Steve.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ (Con't)
Child, what is your name?


                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Esteban...yes...now go!
Vicente walks to the stage. Steve begins to walk out of the
small club, stops, and gives one more look at his father. He
exits the club and heads back to La Cucka Racha to meet his
                                         CUT TO
Rob and Becky are talking over a drink. She looks
Do you even know why the hell
we're in Tijuna right now?
No clue...
We came because Nick is in love
with Ashley. That's the whole
reason we're here. He came to tell
Oh my God...I knew it. I could see
it on his face. God, Brad is such
an asshole...
We actually have a picture of Brad
cheating on Ashley. You have to
say something to her for him.
You really are a good friend.
Rob stares at her chest.
And you really are sexy!
You're disease free, right?
Rob looks down at his crotch.


Then you'll do.
She grabs his arm and pulls him out of the club. They pass
Jonathan and Nick on their way out.
Later guys!
Nick and Jonathan are talking to the two girls that Jonathan
and Steve made out with last night. Steve walks up smiling
ear to ear.
Where were you Steve?
I'll tell you guys all about it on
the way home. Ladies, you up for
some shots?
The bartender hands over the shots.
To the beautiful city of Tijuana!
                                         CUT TO
The guys are all waking up. They are sitting around the
kitchen table. Steve is making bloody marys.
Hey Steve-er-eno, make mine spicy.
I heard that hot foods help you
burn calories faster.
Steve dumps the entire bottle of hot sauce into Rob's glass.
He hands everyone their cocktail.
Listen guys, I met my real dad
last night.
The astronaut?


No, he's actually a mariachi
player. My mom told me before we
left. It's crazy, I know, but
he's super famous and he's picking
us up.
Insane man! I guess that explains
the year-round tan you've got!
Well if my genetics explain my
tan, then that means Rob's real
dad must be Richard Simmons.
Rob stands up.
Just shut up and slam your drink.
We gotta be down at the pier to
meet him in a half hour.
Rob plops back down in his seat.
      (In Latin Accent)
To the mariachi!
The guys salute their drinks towards Steve. Everyone takes a
sip, including Rob.
Rob takes a huge sip out of his straw. He spits his drink
back up and coughs his brains out.
Feel the burn Rob, feel the burn.
                                         CUT TO
The guys are sitting down at the pier, waiting for Steve's
dad. A large limo pulls up and the driver opens the door.
The interior of the limo is illuminated with the soft glow
of red fluorescent lights. Quiet music plays. Vicente
Fernandez steps out of the car.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
My mijo's amigos. Enter the world
that is Vicente.


All the guys get into the limo. Steve introduces them all to
his dad.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Let me explain to you what I am.
To say a lover, would be too
little. To say, a musician is not
enough. For I and my music is the
language of love.
Vicente leans back in his seat. He pulls out a clove
cigarette, lights it and closes his eyes as he exhales the
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ (Con't)
When I was just a little nino, a
vision came to me. I was told
that I would be cursed with the
gift to show others how to love. I
have faithfully served through the
music, for I am Vicente Rodrigo
You are my hero.
You're in the presence of
greatness, Rob, shut up.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
What brings you ninos to my lovely
Actually dad, Nick is in love with
a girl, and we came down here
after her.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
      (To Nick)
I can see by the look on your face
that the love you hold is strong
yet is not being returned. Child,
I felt it the moment you entered
my electric chariot.
It's this girl Ashley, her and I
have been best friends ever since
we were little. I tried to tell
her, but she's down here with this
guy that always cheats on her.


                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
I can feel that the love in your
heart is pure. When we arrive at
my villa I shall show you the ways
of love.
The limo pulls up to Vicente's villa and the guys all get
out. The villa is gated and sprawls across acres of beach.
It is white sandstone and is landscaped like a jungle. They
enter the home and are seated on the back patio, overlooking
the ocean. A maid comes and brings cocktails to the guys.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
This is my splendor, this is my
fortune, this is my fame.
I still can't get over the fact
that YOU are my dad.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Alas mijo, the dna results have
not yet been returned.
Mr. Vicente, I'm the best looking
guy I know! Look how hot I am!
Can you show me how to score even
more tail than I already get?
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
The ego you possess has reared its
ugly head. You must learn to
control it or it will become the
poison that swallows you whole.
What were you saying about the
ways of love?
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
We shall discuss this alone as the
rest are served their lunch. Come.
Vicente stands up and Nick follows him out of the room. They
walk on the beach.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
The key to a woman's heart is
showing her yours.


Okay, but how exactly do I do
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Music is the love of the soul. I
shall teach you, and for a moment,
your heart will become one with
When do we start?
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
We have already begun.
Vicente walks off and Nick follows behind. They walk into a
cottage on Vicente's property full of musical instruments.
                                         CUT TO
Ashley and Becky are having a drink at their hotel bar.
I hooked up with your friend Rob
last night...eww.
Oh my god! That's so gross! Why
did you do that?
That's always been your
That aside, Rob filled me in on
something about Nick.
Nick? He didn't hook up with
anybody did he?


Yeah right! He is all about you.
Rob told me they all came down
here so Nick could tell you that
he's in love with you.
Brad walks up to the bar.
Do my ears serve me correct? Did
Brad just hear that bullshit? I
thought that little shit was just
your BFF!
Brad rips his shirt off and growls.
                       B-RAD (Con't)
We need to talk upstairs. Now!
                                         CUT TO
Vicente hands Nick a guitar and begins to teach him. He is
bad at first but through Vicente's help he gets better. He
is taught a song and its lyrics. Vicente teaches him poses
and body language. He slowly meets Vicente's requirements.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Alas, you are ready my
gringo...the ways of the Mariachi
have been bestowed upon you.
Vicente and Nick walk back to meet the guys. They get back
in the limo and head back to their hotel to get ready for
the night.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Esteban, the paternity results are
But I never gave you a DNA sample?
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Relax, my maid snatched a lock of
your hair. She has taken it to the
lab in my underground lair, far
beneath the chambers where many


                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ (cont'd)
women have been blessed with mi
amor. You are my son. Always
remember, Vicente is in your
You have a lair?
Vicente lights another clove cigarette.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ
Si, rumors echo throughout the
countryside that I am the Mexican
He exhales smoke into the sky. The limo stops in front of
the hotel.
                       VICENTE RODRIGO FERNANDEZ (Con't)
      (pointing at Nick)
Nick, I shall meet you at the
spot. It will be your moment of
The guys walk into the hotel.
                                         CUT TO
Ashley is sitting at a table with Brad and Becky. She looks
very uncomfortable. You can tell by her body language that
she wishes she was with Nick instead. All of the guys walk
in except Nick. They sit down at a table on the other side
of the bar. Brad looks over and is pissed to see them.
Look at that neanderthal over
there, I wish Nick would have come
out, this would be the perfect