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by Thomas (mash4it@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This is the first draft of the script, it is currently being re-written. I appreciate all comments good or bad.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author. This script is registered with the WGA.


The screen is dark and we hear a voice.
So tell me what's led you to this
The camera closes in on the football field at McCarren Park
in Brooklyn. Three men, Adam, Stan, and Jeff are standing on
the 40 yard line. Adam is holding footballs in place while
Jeff kicks one field goal after another. Stan jumps up in
front of him with each kick acting as a potential field goal
I think that's enough.
You sure your good man?
Yeah, I'm good.
Yeah, you don't want to watse all
your kicks out here, save em for
Kansas City.
The fuckin Chiefs man.
Fuck the Chiefs.
Fuck em, I could care less, I'm
running out of cash though, I need
to get back in the league however
I can.
The guys begin gathering up all the footballs and stuffing
them in a big bag as they talk.
You nervous Jeff?
Shit it's been three years since
I've been on an NFL field, I'm a
little nervous but I think I'll be


                       JEFF (cont'd)
Yeah I guess it's not like you
gotta tackle anybody or anything,
your just kicking field goals.
You or me couldn't do it.
You sure couldn't.
Bullshit, if I would have
practiced growing up then I'd be
kicking field goals in the NFL
right now. I just never dreamed
about being a professional pussy
so I played an actual position in
high school.
You know what, fuck you Stan. I
got a thousand dollars that says
you couldn't kick a 20 yarder
right now.
No thanks, I told you, I never
aspired to be a pussy, and kicking
field goals is pussy shit.
Why do you have to rile him up a
day before his tryout?
Yeah, what the fuck Stan?
The guys have collected all of the footballs and are now
exiting the park and standing on the sidewalk next to the
Look I'm not trying to upset you,
I'm just saying kicking field
goals was never my thing.
So what time is your flight?


My flight leaves at 6:30 in the
Damn that's early.
Well I'll get into Kansas City
around 8:30 and I have to be on
the field by 10.
So I guess you aint coming by the
bar tonight?
Not tonight.
Adam extends his hand to Jeff and two men shake hands.
Good luck to you.
Thank you, I been outta the league
three fuckin years man, I want
this bad.
Your gonna get it.
We shall see.
Jeff extends his hand towards Stan
What do you think, I'm a fag or
something? You can't hug me? Come
Stan gives Jeff a hug.
It's pussy shit and everything but
I hope you make it.
Fuck you.


Yeah fuck me. Anyways, call us
after the tryout.
I will.
We gotta hurry if we're gonna
catch the next train.
Alright guys go ahead, I'll call
you tomorrow.
Alright Jeff.
Your gonna do it man.
Take it easy guys.
Adam and Stan turn and start walking away.
Adam and Stan are sitting on a subway train that is fairly
empty. There is an older heavy set black woman sitting next
to them and a man in a suit standing up holding onto the
overhead hand rail near them as well. The train makes it
stops and people get on and off, these four people though
remain where they while they wait for the train to get into
You really give Jeff alot of shit
you know, why do you have to
rattle him right before his big
Rattle him? Adam look, I've known
this guy my whole life, we played
high school ball together, calling
him a pussy and making fun of him
for being a kicker gets him angry,
and when Jeff gets angry he boots
field goals like it's nothing.


Oh, so you don't really think he's
a pussy then, your just firing him
Don't get me wrong, kickers are
definately pussies, but Jeffs my
boy and there's nothing more I
want than for him to get back into
pro football.
That's nice that you care so much.
Hell yeah I care, pro ball players
get mad chicks, you and me will
get all the leftovers.
I can't wait.
Did you play high school ball
growing up in Cleveland?
I played baseball when I was
younger but I didn't really play
sports when I got older.
That's kind of surprising being
that your such a die hard sports
My parents weren't very
No shit, why not?
I'd rather not get into it now.
So let's talk about the Indians
game tonight. You gonna watch it
at the bar?


Hell no, I'm watching that shit at
home by myself. I don't even want
anyone around me.
I can understand that, you get
pretty damn emotional over that
Like you don't?
Hey, I'm a Yankees fan, we expect
to win and it's a disaster when we
Well you lost to my Indians in the
first round and you got pretty
damn emotional.
That was fluke shit, we'll back in
it next year.
Fuck next year, I'm only worried
about tonight.Game 7 at Fenway.
The Red Sox are tough at home man.
You don't have to tell me.
You guys just better those damn
Red Sox. Goddamn do I hate that
If we win I'm going to game one of
the World Series, I don't give a
damn what it costs me.
If they win tonight then I'll go
with you to game one.
That's a deal.


Stan and Adam shake hands.
I almost forgot, you'll have to
get permission from Tracy first.
Oh shit, I totally forgot to tell
you, me and Tracy broke up like
two days ago.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm telling you the truth man, we
broke up.
I thought everything was going
great. You finally found a girl
willing to deal with all your
Tell me about it man, I never saw
it coming.
So she broke up with you?
No, I broke up with her.
Then what do you mean 'you never
saw it coming'? Obviously you saw
something coming.
No, it was spur of the moment type
of shit. I didn't wake up one day
and say 'I think I'll break up
with Tracy today', one thing led
to another and it just happened.
What just happened?


Well she took me over to her
parents for dinner a couple days
ago, you know it's the first time
I'm meeting em.
They hated you?
No, just listen. So we go over to
her parents house, they live
somewhere in Astoria. I know
Brooklyn, I know Manhattan, I
don't know shit about Queens so
Tracy drives.
She's like the worst fuckin driver
Oh, she's the worst, but I hate
driving around places I'm not
familiar with so I take my chances
and we take her car. We get to her
parents house and everythings
great, her mom takes a liking to
me right away and her dad's a big
Mets fan so I talk some baseball
with him while Tracy and mom do
shit in the kitchen.
He didn't give you shit about
being a Yankees fan?
What do you think, I'm an idiot? I
told him I was a Mets fan, we
talked about '86, Mookie Wilson,
all that shit.
Yeah I'm the best.
So what went wrong.


Well I'm gettin to that. So
everythings going great at this
point. Then we go into the dining
room and Tracy's mom starts
bringing out dinner. Now tell me
if this is bullshit or not, she
made some kind of Mexican caserole
Were there any beans in it?
Refried and black.
That is bullshit, you can't go
making shit that's historically
been known to cause diarrhea to a
person the first time you meet
So did you eat it?
Of course I ate it. I mean I'd
look like a dildo if I go to a
person's house for dinner and
don't eat it.
I guess.
But her mom is like so fuckin
happy to have a table full of
people this crap, I finished my
plate and she just plopped down
more of this shit, she didn't even
ask. So I go ahead and eat that
too. And the thing that's really
fucking me up now is the meatball
sandwich I had for lunch that day.
I hadn't shit that thing out yet
so my stomache is full and it's
bubbling like a motherfucker, no
way I'm getting out of there
without taking a shit.


No, you can't take that kind of
shit at your girlfriends parents
house the first time you meet
It was either use the toilet or go
in my pants, it wasn't gonna wait.
That had to be a nightmare.
That's what I was thinking but
when I asked Tracy where the
bathroom was, she told me to use
the one upstairs so she could use
the bathroom downstairs.
Oh nice, you could stink up the
upstairs bathroom and probably be
out of the house before her
parents get a whiff of it.
Well that was the plan, I start
walking up the steps and for some
reason this thing Jimmy Colero
told me about popped into my head.
Fuck Jimmy Colero, that guy's a
fucking douche bag, why would
listen to anything he says?
This shit was great though.
Stan notices the black woman sitting next to him is
listening the conversation now.
      (to the BLACK
Your gonna love this shit.
                       BLACK WOMAN
What did he tell you?
It's called A.C. Slatering.


You mean A.C. Slater? That fuckin
homo from that show SAVED BY THE
That's the one. See every time
that guy sat in a chair on that
show, he always sat backwards.
Go back and watch some reruns, he
did always sit backwards in his
I'm not saying he didn't sit
backwards in his chairs, but don't
tell me you sat backwards...
      (cutting off ADAM)
Right on the fuckin toilet!
You've gotta be kidding me.
                       BLACK WOMAN
You sat backwards on this poor
girl's momma's toilet?
Your fuckin right I did.
This is just insane now, first
your taking a huge risk even
shitting at her parents house and
now your telling me you pulled
acrobatic type stunts on the
toilet because an asshole like
Jimmy Colero told you to.
All I could think about ever since
he told me was this A.C. Slatering
thing. I just couldn't wait until
my next dump to try it.


But your at your girlfriends
parents house, parents that your
meeting for the first time by the
way. Why the fuck would you even
risk it?
Look, I thinking there really is
no risk because hell, I'm in the
bathroom by myself, who the fuck
would even know. It's not like I
was asking her and her parents to
gather around and watch me take a
shit on their living room floor.
I'm in private, fuck, who cares?
                       BLACK WOMAN
I'd of cared if it was my damn
Stan basically ignores what the black woman says to him yet
he turns to talk to her.
      (to the BLACK
And keep this in mind, your ass
doesn't line up exactly the same
backwards as it normally does, so
be careful when you try it.
Probably because it's designed for
people to sit facing forward.
Now your gettin it.
So what the hell happened?
I was having the time of my life,
that's what happened. You know
ever since I was toilet trained I
sat facing forward when I was on
the toilet. After almost 30 years
of taking craps it's become a
pretty monotonous and boring


Who the hell ever said having a
bowel movement was supposed to be
a good time? You do what you gotta
do and you move on.
That's the problem with people
man, they just accept their boring
lives and keep sleepwalking
through this shit, not me, no way,
I found something that's totally
changed my life.
Sitting backwards on the toilet
changed your life?
Changed it forever Adam. Man I had
a Sports Illustrated resting on
the back of the toilet, I wasn't
just taking a shit, I was catching
up on the weeks sports stories.
I'm convinced that A.C. Slatering
can be extremely productive if you
use the time wisely.
                       BLACK WOMAN
You should get you a nice laptop
for the toilet.
I thought about that.
Jesus Christ.
So back to the story, I'm A.C.
Slatering on this toilet...
The BLACK WOMAN notices the MAN IN THE SUIT is listening in
on the story now.
                       BLACK WOMAN
      (to the MAN IN
Oh this guy sat backwards on the
toilet at his woman's parents


So I'm mounted on this fuckin
toilet backwards right, I'm
reading the magazine. I found a
really helpful technique where I
hold onto the back of the toilet
and it gives me some extra
leverage so I can lean back and
not struggle so much to get it all
Hey, your like a regular Mr.
That was a weird show.
I know, if that guy wasn't the
text book definition of a child
predator then I don't what is.
Were those kids the ultimate nerds
or what, the only the thing I was
experimenting with at that age was
I may conduct a little experiment
Hell yeah.
                       MAN IN SUIT
So what happened with backwards
                       MAN IN SUIT
Your story, what happened?
Oh yeah, so I'm basically pissing
out of my ass at this point, pure
diarrhea. All of a sudden the door


You forgot to lock the door?
I was so excited about trying it
backwards that I guess locking the
door just slipped my mind.
                       MAN IN SUIT
How does that slip your mind, it's
like the most important element in
a caper like this.
Hey, shit happens, what am I gonna
                       BLACK WOMAN
So was it?
Oh it was her mom.
Oh that's fuckin great.
How's that great?
You must have been so embarrassed.
Hey everybody poops.
Not backwards they don't. Why
didn't you just lock the door?
Hindsight is 20/20 pal.
No this is common sense.
                       BLACK WOMAN
So did her momma scream? I'd of
screamed, then I'd of beat yo ass,
but first I'd of screamed.


She didn't say a word, she just
stood there frozen like a deer in
                       MAN IN SUIT
You mean to tell me she didn't
close the door?
Nope, she just stood there and
stared. She had this completely
disgusted look just stuck on her
Can you blame her, she was
probably in shock.
You know it's not like she caught
me masturbating or something.
I'm surprised you weren't
                       MAN IN SUIT
There probably isn't enough room
between you and the toilet when
your backwards like that to really
      (pointing to the
       MAN IN SUIT)
Look at this guy, you can't tell
me doesn't know about A.C.
Slatering over there.
So what the hell did you do?
I looked at her and I said 'that
was quite a meal'.
You said 'that was quite a meal'?
                       MAN IN SUIT


Hey this all in the trial and
error stages man, I'm sharing my
mistakes so you don't make em.
Then I stood up and started wiping
my ass.
In front of her mom?
So what.
So what? That's fuckin insane man.
Well what the hell was I supposed
to do?
How about pull up your pants and
apologize for the disturbing scene
she just witnessed.
Apologize my ass, she should have
been apologizing for barging in
one me. And besides, my ass was
filthy, I wiped.
Your sick.
You would have done the same thing
if you were in my shoes.
No, I would have locked the door,
I would have never been in that
So I fucked up, who cares?


That womans probably scared for
                       BLACK WOMAN
I know I am.
Please, she'll be telling this
story for years, telling everyone
she meets how one time she caught
her daughters boyfriend sitting
backwards on the toilet.
                       MAN IN SUIT
So what did you do after you
I put my pants back on, I said
'good day' and I walked out of the
At least you were courteous.
It was the least I could do after
she took the time to make dinner.
So what did Tracy say?
Hell if I know, I walked down the
stairs and right out the front
door. I didn't say anything to
How'd you get home?
Well like I said, I don't shit
about Queens, I just walked around
until I found a train back to the
city. It took me like two hours.
She had to be pissed.


Probably, I don't know, I don't
plan on ever seeing her again.
Because her mom caught you A.C.
Think about it, her mom is
propbably going crazy right now
trying to think of a rational
reason for me to be taking a shit
backwards on her toilet. She would
probably ask Tracy to ask me about
it and I'm not willing to face
those questions.
If it was as life changing as your
claiming it was, then why not just
tell her what happened?
Yeah I thought about that, but
honestly I feel like it makes the
story so much better if I just
quit seeing her.
So your willing to lose a girl so
can have a good story to tell?
Please, I can always find another
                       MAN IN SUIT
      (Finishing STAN's
...But things like this don't
to a guy everyday.
Don't encourage him.
      (pointing to the
       MAN IN SUIT)
See, this guy knows.


So has Tracy tried calling you?
Oh I got that shit covered.
I just went down to the police
station the next morning and told
them she was stalking me. I filed
a restraining order, they served
her the papers, now she can't be
anywhere near me or call me.
The cops believed you?
Yeah, crazy isn't it?
                       MAN IN SUIT
A preemptive strike, I may use
Be my guest.
Your retarded.
I'm just staying one step ahead of
the game, you can learn shit by
watching me.
What? Like how to take a shit
backwards, no thanks.
Don't know A.C. Slater style til
you've tried it.
                       MAN IN SUIT
Didn't that guy make a porno?


Who cares?
                       BLACK WOMAN
Your thinking of Screech.
Screech didn't make a porn.
                       MAN IN SUIT
It was Slater.
Had to be Zach or Slater.
                       BLACK WOMAN
No it was Screech.
No way.
                       BLACK WOMAN
I got the damn video at my house,
it was Screech!
All 3 guys look at the black woman with looks of surprise on
their faces.
                       BLACK WOMAN
Don't judge me after the story
this white just told.
Fair enough.
This is my stop.
The train stops and the doors open. Stan gets up and starts
walking towards the doors, he is looking back talking to
Alright Stan, I'll see you later.
Come by the bar after the game.
Stan is now in the doorway of the train standing next to a
woman and her two kids, the kids are 10 and 12 years old.


Don't be a fuckin pussy, stop by
after the game. FUCK BEANTOWN!
The woman and her two kids stand there with looks of horror
on their faces. As Stan exits the train he is blocked by an
old woman with a walker.
      (To the old woman
       with the walker)
Outta my way granny.
Adam comes out of his bedroom wearing a Cleveland Indians
baseball hat and jersey. He walks to the kitchen and gets a
beer out of the refrigerator. He opens the beer and takes a
sip. As he walks to towards the living room in his tiny
apartment, he looks at the phone on the kitchen counter. He
pauses for a second and then walks over to the phone and
turns down the volume on the ringer and the answering
      (to himself)
No calls please.
ADAM walks to his living room and has a seat on the couch.
He grabs the remote off the table and turns up the volume on
the television.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1 (OS)
Live from Fenway Park in Boston,
it's game 7 between the Cleveland
Indians and Boston Red Sox. The
winner goes on to the World
Series, the loser goes home. We'll
have the first pitch right after
this commercial break.
ADAM sucks down the rest of his beer then he runs to
refrigerator and grabs another one. He goes back to his seat
on the couch and lights a cigarette. He bites his nails
between hits of his cigarette in obvious anxiety due to the
magnitude of the game that's about to played.
                                         3 HOURS LATER
ADAM is sitting on his couch just staring at the television
in total disbelief. The ashtray next to him has dozens of
cigarette butts in it.


                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1 (OS)
In convincing fashion, the Red Sox
have defeated the Indians and will
look for their second world
championship in the last 4 years.
ADAM's expression goes from disbelief to anger.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 2
Boy the Indians didn't even show
up for this one.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
Yeah this game was close for the
first few innings but then the Red
Sox bats took over and they never
looked back.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 2
Cleveland's dream season comes to
an end tonight here in Boston
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
And now it's on to the World
Series for Boston.
ADAM lunges forward towards his television set. He trips
over the coffee table right in front him, as if he didn't
even remember it was in front of him. He grabs one end of
the table and flips it over and out of his way. He grabs the
27" television from it's stand, picking up the dvd player
and cable box that are attached by wires to the television.
He throws the television across the room. He has a look of
complete insanity on his face as he looks around his tiny
apartment. He suddenly spots a baseball bat sitting in the
corner of the room. He picks up the bat and starts smashing
the television set that is now laying on the floor.
      (Yelling as he
       smashes his
       television with
       the bat)
You had a 3 to 1 lead, you
couldn't win one fucking game!
Just one fucking game!
ADAM drops the bat and then looks at a baseball in a
baseball holder sitting on his bookshelf. As he gets closer
to the shelf we can see that the ball is covered in
autographs and the ball holder reads: "1997 CLEVELAND
INDIANS". ADAM takes the ball from it's holder and throws it


as hard as he can right through his living room window and
out onto the street. A few seconds later we hear a scream
come from the street below. ADAM turns and walks slowly into
his kitchen, seeming as if he has calmed down a bit after
his outburst. He grabs another beer from the refrigerator
and takes a sip. He notices that the light on his answering
machine is blinking, showing that he has a message. He walks
over the machine and presses play.
                       JOE FROM WORK (OS)
Hey ADAM it's JOE FROM WORK, sorry
I missed you, normally I wouldn't
leave this kind of message but
it's kind of important. You know I
think your a great doorman and
everyone likes working with you,
hell Hector's always talking about
how he'll turn you gay someday and
make passionate love to you, but
thats a story better saved for
another day. The reason I'm
actually calling is because we had
a disturbing complaint on you last
night from Mr. Cafferty in
apartment 3b. Apparently his
daughter was visiting from Rhode
Island and there was some
confusion when you admitted her
into the building. It seems that
you solicited her for sex thinking
that she was a prostitute. I know
she dresses a bit provocatively,
I've even masturbated with
thoughts of her in my head on a
regular basis, but she told her
father what happened and he was
pretty upset. I don't think it was
the fact that you asked her for a
reach around so much as she felt
you were low balling her only
offering twenty dollars. Either
way though, we have no choice but
to let you go. You can turn in
your uniform whenever you get the
chance and we'll have your last
check waiting here for you. Also I
told Hector that because of
privacy issues I couldn't give him
your phone number so he asked me
to give you his, it's 555-0653.
Maybe give him a call sometime,
you never know. Oh, I almost
forgot, good luck to your Indians


                       JOE FROM WORK (cont'd)
Adam rips the answering machine out of the wall and throws
it against the wall. He rushes to his closet and gets out
his doorman uniform, he goes under his kitchen sink and
looks through some bottles. He finds a bottle of lighter
fluid, he grabs it and goes into his bathroom. Adam throws
the uniform in the bathtub and douses it in lighter fluid.
He pulls a lighter out of his pocket and tries over and over
to light it but it doesn't light. Just then the buzzer in
his apartment goes off. Adam's walks over to the speaker and
presses the button.
What the fuck do you want!
                       JEFF (OS)
Hey ADAM, It's me, it's JEFF.
What are you doing here?
                       JEFF (OS)
Nothing, just let me in.
Adam grabs a lighter off the floor that was on the coffee
table before he tossed it out of his way. It lights on the
first try and he smiles as looks towards the bathroom where
his work uniform is waiting in the bathtub.
I'm actually kind of busy with a
little project here, call me
                       JEFF (OS)
Listen, I know your probably going
crazy right now.
ADAM looks around at the destruction he's caused in his
                       JEFF (OS)
Come on man.
Adam pushes the button that unlocks the door in the lobby of
his apartment. He opens his apartment door then slumps onto
his couch. He looks around on the floor for a minute and


then picks up a cigarette and lights it. A few moments later
Jeff walks in.
What the hell are you doing here?
I came to see how you were holding
up. What the fuck happened to this
ADAM and JEFF both take a look around the room.
The maid service couldn't make it
this week.
You know, you care way more about
shit like this than the players
actually do.
You think?
I know. I remember a playoff game
back in my rookie year in Oakland.
We got our asses kicked at Denver.
We couldn't do anything right that
game. So we take a flight back to
Oakland and when we get to the
airport there are probably 50
people or so waiting for us. I'm
thinking they're probably just the
die hards, you know, guys like
you, just coming to tell us better
luck next year, but they start
firing insults at us. Telling us
we suck and we should all be
traded, you know, shit like that.
But fuck it, we just go about our
business like they aren't even
there. We had all made plans to go
out that night so we head to this
club across the bridge in San
Francisco. Not one guy on the team
let the fact that we lost keep him
from having fun that night. I know
for a fact those people that
showed up at the airport to boo
us, and probably thousands of
other people around Oakland, were
miserable because we lost, but it


                       JEFF (cont'd)
didn't affect us. You understand
what I'm telling you?
I remember that game, I had alot
of fuckin money on Oakland that
game. And now I'm sitting here 6
years later hearing that I bet on
a bunch of heartless pussies. No
wonder your not in the league
Maybe your right, I mean I
probably could have been more
dedicated. Especially in the
offseason. Forget that, we're
talking about you here. You have
to let this shit go Adam.
If you could just lock your door
on the way out I'd appreciate it.
Why don't you come down to Duke's
with me, I'll buy you a beer.
I'd rather not. Hey, what the hell
are you doing here anyways? You
have to be up early to catch your
I was bored so I came into the
city to watch the game with Stan
at the bar. After Cleveland loss
he told me I had to come get you.
I just don't want to deal with it
I know, but you know how Stan is,
if I don't bring you back with me
he'll be here in 2 minutes
dragging your ass back with him.


Fuck it, I guess I can use a
Adam puts on his jacket and he and Jeff continue to talk as
they are exiting the apartment.
You know you really should get out
of this neighborhood.
Wh do you say that?
It's getting bad around here. When
I was outside your building I saw
an old lady, she must have been at
least seventy, laid out in the
street. Apparently someone hit her
in the head with a baseball.
That's sick. Did anyone see who
threw the ball?
I don't know, I just hope the
ambulance got her to hospital in
ADAM and JEFF enter DUKE'S TAVERN, STAN is working behind
the bar and he waves them over to two seats he has saved for
them at the bar. The bar is crowded and most of the people
there are wearing business attire.
Adam, I don't know what to say.
They blew it.
There's always next year.
That's the motto of Cleveland
sports fans, We'll get em next


Well then losing big games should
be just another day at the office
for you.
Fuck it, forget it, just get
hammered and worry about
everything else tomorrow.
Sounds good to me.
What are you drinking?
Whatever will kill me fastest.
Tequila it is.
STAN pours 2 shots of tequila and places them on the bar in
front of ADAM.
What about you JEFF?
I got the tryout tomorrow, I'll
just take a water.
That's kind of a bitch move but
What the hell man, you know I
can't drunk tonight and then
expect to go out there tomorrow
and make the team.
Your right, your right. I'm just
saying, if Ray Lewis was sitting
here he'd probably drink a 12
pack, smoke a pound of weed and
then go out the next day and bust
some fuckin heads. But hey,
kickers gotta take it easy I


                       STAN (cont'd)
guess, I understand.
You know, why the fuck do I put up
with this?
Guys relax, I'm the one that's
miserable here.
Let's drink.
ADAM and STAN, who is presently working behind the bar,
drink the shots of tequila. STAN gets a beer for ADAM and
places it on the bar, then he gets a bottle of water and
places it in front of JEFF and shakes his head as he sets it
down. A man then approaches the bar and ADAM rolls his eyes
when he sees who it is.
                       JIMMY COLERO
Hey guys.
                       JIMMY COLERO
I just wanted to thank you again
Your welcome but this isn't a good
time, I'll talk to later JIMMY.
                       JIMMY COLERO
Again, I'm greatful to you.
No problem, but hey, I'll talk to
you later, this is kind of a
private conversation.
What'd STAN do for you?
It was nothing.
                       JIMMY COLERO
Don't be so modest.


What'd he do?
      (To himself)
                       JIMMY COLERO
I was about to bet my entire rent
check on Cleveland tonight but
STAN wouldn't stop trying to talk
me out of it. He said Boston was
the way to go, they'd probably win
by double digits.
STAN's a great guy.
                       JIMMY COLERO
You better believe it, he said if
I bet it all on Boston it would be
the easiest money I ever made.
Alright JIMMY, thanks for stopping
by, we're gonna get back to our
important conversation now.
                       JIMMY COLERO
Well you guys come by my table
later and I'll buy us all a round
of shots with my winnings.
I'm looking forward to it.
JIMMY starts to walk away then he turns around.
                       JIMMY COLERO
I almost forgot, you or JEFF ever
seen that show saved by the bell?
ADAM throws his arms up in the air.
Hey JIMMY keep moving!
                       JIMMY COLERO
Thanks again STAN.
Don't mention.


Yeah, please.
                       JIMMY COLERO
Go beantown.
ADAM watches as JIMMY walks away, then he looks straight at
What the fuck STAN!
It's not what you think ADAM.
It sure sounded like it.
He introduced JIMMY to Mel, that's
who bet with.
So STAN tells me he's pulling for
Cleveland earlier today, then he
tells that dildo to bet Boston and
he hooks him up with a bookie?
Mel never pays when someone hits
him big.
JIMMY will never see that fifteen
hundred bucks.
No chance. So basically...
      (Interupting STAN)
So basically, he isn't getting
paid so he's blowing his rent
money in here tonight and he
doesn't even know it.
It's even funnier when you put it
like that.


I better go cash in on that drink
he offered to buy me before he's
When the hell have you ever paid
for a drink in here?
Never, but in the grand scheme of
things, I'd get a little sick
pleasure out of contributing to
him blowing his rent money.
That guy is a jackass, why the
hell do you even talk to him?
Two men approach the bar a few feet from where ADAM and JEFF
are sitting. STAN looks at them for a split second and then
goes back to his conversation as if the two guys don't
exsist. The other bartender working the bar with STAN is
swamped with customers at the other end of the bar.
His sister gives a great blow job.
So what?
So she's always around when I call
her because I'm one of the only
people that's ever been nice to
her idiot brother.
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
Excuse me, can we get a couple
drinks here?
STAN looks at the two customers but then looks right back at
his two friends.
      (To JEFF)
So you nervous for tomorrow? You
gonna start pissing yourself


I'm ready to go.
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
Bartender! We'd like to get some
drinks over here please.
STAN walks towards the two customers.
What's your problem pal? It's
first come first serve here, when
I'm done with these two customers
over here, I'll get you guys some
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
But all your doing is talking to
I'm actually trying to get them
order but you keep interrupting
                       BAR CUSTOMER 2
You could have made our drinks by
now if you weren't arguing with
If I make you guys drinks will you
leave me the fuck alone? What are
you having?
                       BAR CUSTOMER 2
Terrible customer service.
There goes my employee of the
month trophy.
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
We'll take two cosmopolitans thank
What are you guys, a couple of
fags or something?
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
Excuse me?


                       BAR CUSTOMER 2
I'm writing a letter to his boss.
First your crying like a little
girl about not getting a drink
fast enough and then you order two
cosmos, seems queer to me.
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
Well first of all mister, it's
none of your goddamn business.
I'd say it's all my business, we
ain't running that kind of joint
here. I don't need you guys
getting liquored up and then
trying to sneak peeks of some
straight guys cock in the
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
You know what!
BAR CUSTOMER 2 starts pulling BAR CUSTOMER 1 by the arm.
                       BAR CUSTOMER 2
Let's just go.
                       BAR CUSTOMER 1
No way.
When you guys are done fucking
each other here, find the door,
STAN goes back to ADAM and JEFF.
People are unbelievable.
How do you keep your job?
You stole that line.
What are you talking about?


Tarantino in from Dusk til Dawn.
"what are you guys, a couple of
That's right.
That was the best line ever.
Harvey Kietel's face was classic
when he said "this is my son" and
Tarantino said "how the fuck does
that happen".
That's my only regret in life, I
wish I would have thought of that
line first.
Your a psycho, your only regret is
not thinking of a derogatory
statement before someone else did?
Yeah, that line's fuckin classic.
That was a great line, but I want
to know what you meant when you
asked JEFF if he was gonna piss
himslef AGAIN.
I don't know what he was talking
about, just forget it.
Jeff it's part of the healing
process man, we can tell our
Why do you have to embarrass me?
I had your back through that shit
didn't I?


You did.
Can I tell the story or do you
want to?
Go ahead.
So back when JEFF got cut by
Oakland, he came to stay at my
place for a while. Well everyday I
noticed he washing his bedsheets.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a
filthy pig, I wash my sheets like
everyone else but not everyday. So
I check out his bed and I see this
big fuckin yellow stain on the
mattress, he's pissing his fuckin
bed every night.
Not every night.
Well then just about every night.
You know, I had to go through
therapy because of this shit, it
isn't funny.
Well then I guess I'm fucked in
the head cuz a grown guy pissing
his bed is pretty damn funny to
Well I guess you are.
So how'd you get over it?
We're out at this bar one night,
I'm trying to get him laid to
cheer him up and get him out of
his funk.
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK


JEFF and STAN are seated at a table at a busy Manhattan bar.
You gotta get over this shit,
you'll be back with another team
next season.
I don't know man, I really blew
Bullshit, I've seen a dozen guys
blow it in big games and they
always end up getting past it. Who
knows, maybe they piss their beds
You think?
Hell yeah.
What about out in public?
What about out in public?
Do you think any of them ever
pissed their pants in public?
What am I? A fuckin genie? How the
hell would I know?
I'm just saying, do you think they
Don't even tell me.
STAN looks under the table and sees that the front of JEFF's
khaki pants are soaking wet.
You've got to be kidding me.


My therapist says it's just a
mental thing.
I hope your not paying this guy
too much money because it looks
like a physical problem to me.
Your fucking jokes just make it
God, let's just get out of here.
I can't walk out like this,
everyone's gonna know I peed my
I'll take care of it but then
that's it, you piss your fuckin
pants again and I'm done with you.
This is ridiculous.
As girls walk by their table, STAN makes loud remarks to
Your a little chunky for those
pants aren't ya?
When the girl turns around to see who said that, STAN
nonchalantly nods his head towards JEFF.
                       GIRL 1
Go fuck yourself.
The girl walks away.
What the hell are you trying to do
to me?
Just trust me.
Another girl walks by their table.


      (To the girl)
They let pigs like you in here?
When the girl turns around STAN nods his head and points
towards JEFF so she thinks JEFF made the rude comment.
                       GIRL 2
Fuck you loser.
The girl picks up the pitcher of beer on the table and pours
it over JEFF's head.
Can I get your number?
                       GIRL 2
What the hell did you do that for?
Now your soaked with beer, you can
walk outta here without anyone
knowing you pissed your pants.
JEFF, soaked with beer and piss, grins.
                                         END FLASHBACK
And as far as I know, this guy
hasn't pissed anywhere except the
toilet since then.
Maybe the East River once or
So the thought of potential public
embarrassment got you to stop
pissing yourself?
It wasn't that, I guess it was
just knowing that my best friend
cared enough to help me out no
matter what it took.


Aww, how sweet.
      (To JEFF)
You try to make out with me I'll
knock your teeth out.
Come on, I'm being serious, you
can get through anything if you
have great friends like I do.
Next thing you know he's gonna be
lookin for those guys that tried
to order the cosmos earlier.
Fuck off.
      (To ADAM)
Seriously though, he's right. Fuck
what some over paid millionaires
do on a sports field, don't let
that shit get you down, as long as
the three of us got each other,
we'll all make it, fuck everyone
How about more tequila?
You know I can't.
More for us.
STAN pours two more shots of tequila and he and ADAM drink
them down. Just then a man approaches the bar.
                       MAN AT BAR
How much is a beer?


                       MAN AT BAR
Five Dollars?
No, five dicks. Get lost idiot.
The man stands there confused for a moment as STAN turns his
attention back to his friends.
Seriously, how do you not get
fired here?
I'm starting to wonder myself now.
The owners never here, he's old as
dirt and he lives in Jersey so he
never comes into the city anymore,
he just collects the checks every
Even so, with the way you treat
people in general, I can't believe
that nothing bad ever happens to
Cuz I don't give a fuck. I see
these suit wearing stiffs in here
every night and instead of
relaxing after work they have a
few drinks while they stress about
their jobs. And then eventually
you see some people stop coming in
because they lost their job and
you see the new faces of the
people who replaced them, and
they're in here stressing about
their jobs like the stiffs before
them. That ain't gonna happen to
me man, no way. I go through life
not giving a fuck what I say or
do. If you worry about bad shit
then bad shit happens. If you
don't give a fuck then it's smooth
That's a bunch of bullshit.


Is it?
As Stan says this to Jeff he opens the cash register and
takes out some money and shoves it in his pocket.
What's the plan for tomorrow?
Well I'm having lunch with Sarah
then I'm free.
How's that going anyways?
Not bad I guess, she's just
pressuring me to be a little more
committed to the relationship.
Commitment sucks man.
Well the reason I ask is because I
just noticed her over there.
JEFF points to a table across the room. Sarah is sitting
there making out with some guy.
Can shit get any worse right now?
I'll go over there and kick this
fuckin guy out, you can take her
in the back room and beat her or
Thanks but I'll handle it.
ADAM gets up from his stool at the bar and starts walking
towards the table.
      (to STAN)
This sucks.
                                         CUT TO
ADAM walks up to Sarah's table.


I thought you were at your
sister's tonight.
Oh my god, ADAM, what are you
doing here?
Just came in to see Stan and Jeff.
Cool. So....
So what the fuck? You didn't think
my friend would see you kissing
some guy at the fuckin bar he
works at?
                       SARAH'S GUY
Should I go?
No, by all means, stick around.
I didn't plan this, it just
How the fuck does something like
this just happen?
I just came in to have a few
drinks after work and then I
started talking to this guy while
the game was on.
                       SARAH'S GUY
I'm a big Sox fan, I'm from
That doesn't surprise me.
His team won and we just started
celebrating and the next thing you
know we were kissing. We're drunk
though, it doesn't mean anything.


Oh, well then that solves
You mean it?
No I don't mean it! We're done.
ADAM turns to start walking away.
ADAM wait!
Sarah stands up from her seat and ADAM turns back around to
face her. They are right next to the table, SARAH'S GUY is
able to hear the conversation between Sarah and ADAM.
You act like nothing matters to
you. You don't give a shit about
anything. All you care about is
sports and your 2 idiot friends.
You don't give a shit about your
career and you certainly don't act
like you give a damn about me. I
just want you to act like you care
sometimes. You just caught me
kissing someone else and your
about to walk away without even
making an attempt to win me back.
ADAM nods his head as if he's in agreement with what Sarah
just said.
      (Loud enough for
       the guy with
       Sarah to hear it)
I almost forgot, I went to see a
doctor today and it's definitely
genital herpes. He said there's no
cure but there is medication to
help with all the outbreaks.
Your a fucking loser.


Yeah, I'm starting to realize
ADAM turns and walks away.
                       SARAH'S GUY
You know, I just remembered that I
have to get up early, I really
should be going.
                                         CUT TO
JEFF is at the bar talking to some guy next to him.
So I went out there just 32 yards
away from winning it. It's a chip
shot for Christ's sake. I was
hitting 60 yarders in warm ups one
right after the other. You know my
adrenaline's going like crazy, I'm
thinking "you've down it a million
times before". The snap was
perfect, the hold was good and...
Before JEFF finishes his last sentence, STAN approaches.
And he missed the field goal, they
cut him the next day.
                       GUY AT BAR
That sucks man.
What is your problem STAN?
I'm trying to tell a fucking story
Sorry, continue.
So anyways, I've been out of the
league for a few years but Kansas
City's kicker got hurt in practice
yesterday so they are bringing me


                       JEFF (cont'd)
in tomorrow for a tryout.
ADAM walks up to the bar.
                       GUY AT BAR
What's your name again?
The GUY AT BAR picks up his cellphone and starts dialing.
Jeff Cromwell.
                       GUY AT BAR
      (On his cell phone)
If a guy named Jeff Cromwell is
playing this week then we gotta
bet the house on Baltimore.
No, I'm trying out for Kansas
City, they actually play Baltimore
this Sunday.
                       GUY AT BAR
      (On his cell phone)
Like I said, if Cromwell is
kicking for K.C., lay the house on
The GUY AT BAR gets up and starts walking away still talking
on his cell phone.
      (to the GUY AT BAR)
You want an autograph or
There goes the future president of
your fan club.
Hey guys, I'm gonna take off, I
just wanted to say goodbye.
Say goodbye, you sound your never
coming back or something. What
happened over there?


You want me to piss in there
No, everything's cool. I just need
to go, today has just been too
much, first the Indians lose, I
lose my job, now my girlfriend is
on the verge of fucking some guy
she just met, I'm just ready to
You lost your job?
I gotta go.
ADAM walks away from the bar and out the door.
      (to ADAM)
Call me tomorrow, everything will
be alright.
Could his luck get any worse?
      (to himself)
                                         CUT TO
ADAM is walking down the street towards his apartment
                                         CUT TO
Inside Duke's tavern, Sarah and the guy with her are sitting
at there table being served a couple of drinks by a
                                         CUT TO
ADAM walks through the door of apartment which is still in
shambles from his tirade earlier. There is an eviction
notice hanging on his door that he ignores.
                                         CUT TO


Back at Duke's Tavern, Sarah and her guy take a sip of their
drinks and then immediately spit their drinks out of their
mouths due to STAN pissing in them.
                                         CUT TO
ADAM is slumped on the couch in his dark apartment. His eyes
slowly close and remains there motionless as the scene ends.
ADAM is sitting in a psychiatrist's office talking to a
doctor named Matt. It is now apparent he has been telling
him the story of the events that took place the previous
It definitely sounds like you had
a terrible day and I can
understand how it must have felt
as if the world was falling apart
all around you but killing
yourself because things don't go
your way is certainly not the
But it's not just everything that
happened yesterday. My whole life
has been one disappointment after
another. I'm just tired of things
never going my way.
Most of the time when people feel
like the odds are always against
them, it's because they are
actually stacking the odds against
Your speaking in fucking riddles
here doc.
What I'm saying is, you need to
look at yourself first. You need
to see if maybe your actions are
causing the problems in your life
to occur.


I'd have to be sick in the head to
set myself for failure.
What about what Sarah said to you
last night? Was she right when she
said that you don't care about
It's not that I don't care,
sometimes I just don't know how to
show it I guess. But that doesn't
give anyone the right to go out
and cheat on their boyfriend.
It might sound a little harsh, but
it's possible your lack of showing
your feelings caused her to really
have no choice but to find comfort
in the arms of someone else.
It really doesn't matter now.
But it does matter when you call
for an emergency appointment
because you plan on killing
yourself. I'm trying to help you
understand what might be causing
the problems that make you feel
the need to hurt yourself.
I've been with better women than
her though, and I could find
another one if I wanted to, I'm
just sick of being miserable
trying to get through life just so
I can die eventually, I think I'd
rather just die now and get it
over with.
Let me ask you this, why didn't
you ask Sarah to watch the game
with you yesterday?


It was game 7 man, if Cleveland
won they were going to the World
Series. I couldn't have her there
while I'm trying to watch a game
that important.
That sounds a little extreme to
You must not be a big sports fan.
I'm a die hard Yankees fan, but I
have no problem with my wife
watching a game with me.
Who was the starting shortstop for
the Yankees the year before Jeter
came up?
Who was the starting shortstop
before Jeter?
I think we should stay focused you
instead of getting into a baseball
You don't know, do you?
Honestly I don't.
Then how can you say your a die
hard fan? People like you, the
majority of Yankee fans, don't
know who the starting shortstop
was before Jeter got there because
you're bandwagon fans that hitched
up to the Yankees trailer when
they started winning in the 90's.
That's also the same exact time
Jeter joined the team so
bandwagoners like yourself have no


                       ADAM (cont'd)
clue who played short before him
because you didn't follow the
team. But your gonna sit here and
act like some kind of sports
watching authority and tell me
that I'm wrong for not letting my
girlfriend, excuse me, my
ex-girlfriend, watch the game with
me. That doesn't make any sense.
But it's not about me, we're
talking about you right now.
Right, but I'm pretty sure I'm
going to kill myself when I leave
your office and the only reason
I'm here is to give myself
reassurance that I'm doing the
right thing. And in order to do
that I need to see what I'm
dealing with here so I'll know how
much respect to give your opinion.
Are you a religious person?
Not really, I'm not even sure if I
believe in god.
You know a lot of people that
aren't religious end up finding
god when they are at their lowest
point and god seems to have a way
of helping them find their way
through the tough times.
That's a noble theory and all but
it's bullshit.
Why do you say that?
Well a few years ago there was a
group of guys that found god, but
they called him Allah. Turns out
these twisted fucks felt like they
had to fly planes into a couple of


                       ADAM (cont'd)
buildings here in New York to
prove their love for god.
Regardless of what anyone else
thinks, I've always been told that
there's no wrong way to worship
god, so if I were a religious
person then I'd have to accept
what these fucks did as being
I see what your saying, but you
can't judge religion based on the
actions of terrorists. They're
extremists, they don't represent
the majority.
I understand that, but I still
don't think god has the answers
for me.
Maybe you should consider it.
I was actually at a church this
morning before I came here.
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK
Adam walks through the front door of the church. He looks
around for a minute and sees some people gathered at the
front of the room near the altar talking to a priest. He
approaches the priest.
Uh, father, is it ok if I talk to
you for a minute.
Of course, what is it?
Can we talk in private?


      (To the group of
I'll be back.
The priest points to the middle of the church, Adam walks in
that direction and takes a seat near the back of the room.
The priest sits next to him.
I don't remember seeing you here
before, were you thinking of
That's not exactly why I'm here, I
think I might need some help.
What's the problem?
I've never been a really religious
person and I have some questions
that I really need answered.
What kind of questions?
Do you really believe there's a
In my profession I have no choice.
No, I'm serious.
Then yes, yes I do believe there's
a god, in fact I know there's a
How do you know for sure?
God is the one that guided me
throughout my life and chose me to
become a priest and spread his
message to those that need it.


So there's no actual solid proof?
What kind of proof are you looking
I mean I'm just saying some hard
evidence would really help your
claim, hell they managed to snap a
few questionable shots of things
like big foot and the loch ness
monster over the years, I thought
maybe when you graduate priest
school or whatever it is they show
you some solid evidence that god
really exist.
Everyone in the monastery already
knows he exist, that's why they're
Your obviously trying to figure
out whether or not there's a god,
what's the reason?
I'm considering ending my life and
I really don't know if I believe
in god or not, I'd like to be sure
before I do it so I don't end in
the wrong place if you know what I
Oh, that's awful.
What, that I don't believe in god
or that I'm thinking about killing
Quite frankly, both.


It's not as bad as you think
father, see I've weighed all my
options and I've thought about
this for a very long time. I'm
going to commit suicide, I've
decided that that's what I want to
do so I'm doing it. I just need to
know if there is a god, then how
do I keep myself from going to
I'll do everything I can to help
you if you'll make me one promise.
What's that?
I don't care how long it takes,
you have to promise me that you'll
give me every chance to show you
that killing yourself is a
I can live with that.
A man approaches ADAM and the Priest.
                       MAN IN CHURCH
Father, I am so sorry to
interrupt, but the guys are here
with the tables for the bake sale
and they only have the 6 foot by 2
foot tables.
      (To the MAN IN
I specifically told them yesterday
we needed the 8 foot tables.
      (To ADAM)
I apologize, and feel free to tell
me no, but can I have like five
minutes to deal with this?
I'll wait here for you.


Your situation is much more
important to me right now, if it's
not ok or if you plan on leaving,
just say the word and I'll deal
with it later.
No, really, go ahead, I don't have
anywhere to be.
OK, I'll be right back.
The priest and the man walk out the doors of the church.
Adam gets up from his seat and starts walking around the
church looking at the designs on the wall. Adam walks up to
the prayer offering candles and looks at them. As bends down
towards them, the priest walks up behind him.
Well this is a good sign.
Adam then stands up straight to reveal that he wasn't
lighting a prayer candle, he was lighting a cigarette. Adam
extends the cigarette pack towards the priest.
You can't smoke in here!
I figured church's were exempt
from smoking bans and all that
You can't say that in here either,
this is a place of worship!
I'll put it out. What ever
happened to "only god can judge
Adam puts the cigarette out in a bowl of holy water.
Are you insane?


What? It's water, I don't see any
ashtrays in here.
That's holy water!
Holy water, come on. Go down to
the reservoir and bless it all
man, what's the difference?
Get out!
But what if I kill myself?
You'd probably be doing the world
a favor, now go!
Adam shrugs his shoulders as if to say "whatever".
                                         END FLASHBACK
You had to know better.
Hey man, I never went to church
much as a kid, I don't the rules.
I figured if church's don't have
to pay taxes and shit then they
probably don't have to follow the
smoking ban. So that's why I'm
Well I'm glad you came to see me
before you did something
Well I figured it might be good to
talk to someone that doesn't know
me. You know, my friends would
probably just try to talk me out
of the suicide instead of
listening to everything I have to


Is that what you think you need,
someone to listen?
After I was kicked out of the
church I just walked around for a
while thinking. I didn't come up
with any answers or anything but I
figure if there is a heaven and a
god, then maybe telling someone my
story and getting them to see why
I'm going to kill myself, then
maybe that would be enough of a so
called soul cleansing to get me in
the doors.
Well I'm here for you for as long
as you need.
I appreciate that. And hey, before
I forget, I came up with a
brilliant idea and since I'll
probably be dead soon I don't have
any use for it so it's all yours.
Even if I don't kill myself, I
won't have the drive or motivation
to follow through anyways.
What's the idea?
I was thinking about how crazy
that priest got when I put my
cigarette out in the holy water
and how I told him he should just
go bless the whole reservoir.
Well what if you paid a priest, or
hell you could even just take one
of those internet courses and
become ordained yourself, right,
then you go to a bottled water
factory and you bless all the
water. Now instead of just plain
bottled water, your selling


                       ADAM (cont'd)
bottled holy water.
I'm not sure how much of a demand
there is for bottled holy water.
Think about it Matt, there isn't
any bottled holy water on the
market so of course the demand
isn't there yet. You have to tell
them American public what they
need, don't leave it up to them to
      (With a grin)
Marketing at it's finest.
It'd be great, all those people
around the world that say "I wish
I could go to church more but I
just don't have the time", those
would be repeat customers man. Now
instead of feeling guilty they
could go to the store and pick up
a sixer of holy water and sprinkle
it all over themselves. You come
up with these fuckin slogans or
commercials about how you can keep
yourself from going to hell if buy
bottled holy water. It would work
Matt, I'm telling you.
It's definitely an interesting
idea, I'll give you that.
See I just gave you a million
dollar idea. You probably were
miserable as hell when you
realized you had a suicide on your
hands today. I'm paying you back a
million times over with the
bottled holy water idea.
You know as much as I appreciate
that, I will require actual
payment today. I'll need that in
real dollars though, not just


                       MATT (cont'd)
business ideas.
Relax, I plan on paying you.
I'm just saying you know, I
canceled all my other appointments
today for you.
ADAM pulls out his wallet.
Here, you want the credit card
No,no, I'm sorry.
ADAM puts his wallet away.
So, let's get back on track here.
I'd like to ask you some personal
questions to help me better
understand your mindset and where
you've come from.
You said you were originally from
Cleveland, what brought you to New
I loved Cleveland but I had a
shitty childhood and I always
wanted to write plays so New York
seemed like the place to be.
We'll talk about your childhood in
a minute, tell me about your
writing career so far.
Well it hasn't been much of a
career so far. I've lived here for
six years now and I haven't been
able to catch my big break yet.


Alot of times show business can be
more about who you know instead of
how good you are.
I've definitely found that out.
Have you thought about taking one
of your plays to a community
theater or someplace you can get
people to volunteer to perform it?
I tried that about a year ago.
What happened?
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK
There is a shot of outside of the theater, the sign in front
reads: "Senior Center Theater". Inside the theater there are
six senior citizens standing on the stage. ADAM is on stage
with them.
Alright people let's get it
together now, we only have one
more day before we open.
                       OLD GUY 1
I'm getting tired, can we just
take a break?
Let's just go over this scene one
more time and we'll take a break.
ADAM junmps down off the stage and takes a seat in a chair.
                       OLD GUY 2
Has anyone seen Sally?
                       OLD LADY 1
Here she comes.
An old lady with a walker (OLD LADY 2) approaches the actors
at the middle of the stage.


                       OLD LADY 2
Hey everyone.
                       OLD GUY 1
      (To ADAM)
I've had enough for one day.
                       OLD GUY 2
What the hell is this damn play
supposed to be about anyways?
It's about a group of teenagers
that just graduated high school
and now they're struggling with
the thought of adulthood.
                       OLD GUY 2
This stinks worse than Jenkin's
adult diaper.
Just bare with me, please.
There is a beeping sound coming from OLD LADY 2's watch.
                       OLD LADY 2
I have to take my pill.
      (To himself)
Jesus Christ.
                       OLD GUY 2
I'll be in my dressing room
getting a blow job. Come on Doris.
OLD LADY 1 (Doris) takes out her false teeth and hands them
to the person next to her. She follows OLD GUY 2 off the
stage. ADAM throws the papers he was holding into the air
and walks away from the stage.
                                         END FLASHBACK
Jeff is watching another guy kick field goals.


Alright Cromwell, your up.
JEFF puts on his helmet and gets into position to start
kicking. He closes his eyes for a moment and then he opens
them and kicks the ball through the uprights.
So needless to say, my writing
career hasn't gone too well.
Well that's one of those things
that you just have to keep
plugging away at, you never know
when you'll find your break.
I suppose.
You mentioned that you didn't have
a good childhood, tell me about
Well my parents had there first
son, my brother TIM, two years
before I was born. My dad was
working in a steel mill in
Cleveland making good money for
the time. But two years after my
brother was born, my mom got
pregnant again but this one wasn't
planned. The same day she found
out she was pregnant, my dad got
laid off and life was never the
same for him again. It was like he
thought I was curse or something
because of the circumstances.
I'm sure he didn't think of you as
being a curse.
The way he never called me by my
name, he just called me the
"curse" kind of leads me to think
he actually did think of me as a


                       ADAM (cont'd)
That must have been rough. What
about your mom?
She was a drunk, my dad was a
drunk too but he was just a mean
drunk, when my mom drank she just
became oblivious to everything
around her, like she was living in
a fantasy world or something.
How often did they drink?
They never missed a day.
What are some examples of how you
feel they affected your life
growing up?
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK
Inside ADAM's childhood home there are Christmas decorations
every year. In the living room, ADAM, 8 years old, is
sitting on the floor next to the Christmas tree, which has a
large number of gifts under it, with his brother Tim, and
his mom and dad. Tim is opening gifts while ADAM just sits
there and watches.
Has anyone seen a gift with my
name on it yet?
Not yet.
I'm not sure Santa brings presents
to little curses.
I must have been extra good this
year, look at all this stuff I


Your mommy's little good boy.
Anyone want more eggnog?
DAD hands MOM his glass.
Forget the eggnog, just fill it
with the brandy.
Hey ADAM this one's for you.
TIM hands ADAM a small gift wrapped box.
I knew I was a good boy this year!
Just unwrap it before Santa
decides to take it back.
ADAM unwraps the gift and opens the box. He pulls out a
Zippo lighter. He looks at the lighter confused.
A lighter?
It's not just a goddamn lighter,
it's a Zippo.
What am I gonna do with this?
You don't want it you ungrateful
bastard? Then give it here!
DAD, who has an unlit cigarette hanging out of his mouth,
grabs the Zippo out of ADAM's hand and lights his cigarette.
Santa stuck a carton of non
filters in your stocking but I'll
just take those too since you
obviously don't appreciate shit.
ADAM walks out of the room while TIM continues opening his


                       ADAM (VO)
I made the mistake of trying to
playing little league one year. I
figured my parents just wouldn't
show up to my games, boy was I
                                         CUT TO
There is a little league baseball game going on. Young ADAM
is standing in the on deck circle swinging his bat. The
batter gets a hit and ADAM starts walking towards the plate.
      (From the stands)
You suck batter! Easy out coming
Boo batter!
ADAM steps into the batters box. The catcher from the
opposing team asks him a question.
                       LITTLE KID
Why are those people heckling you
so hard?
They're my parents.
                       LITTLE KID
That sucks dude.
ADAM swings and misses the first pitch.
He swings like a little girl! Ha
ha. Strike this loser out!
Let's go pitcher!
ADAM swings and misses the second pitch.
Strike him out!
I'll buy your whole team ice cream
after the game if you hit him with
the pitch!


ADAM swings at the third pitch and fouls it off. It shatters
the windshield of a car parked near the field.
Hey, that's my fucking car! You
did that on purpose you little
shit. You fucking curse!
ADAM stands at home plate with a grin on his face.
                                         CUT TO
There is a shot of the outside of Jefferson High School.
Then there is a shot of the outside of the guidance
counselor's door. Inside ADAM, 18 years old, is sitting
there with his parents. As the guidance counselor talks, DAD
is almost talking to himself because it seems the counselor
is ignoring his remarks, focusing on talking to MOM.
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
The reason I've asked you here is
because I'm a little concerned
with ADAM.
What the hell's he done now.
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
Well he'll be graduating soon.
That's kind of a miracle in
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
Well I like to meet with each
student individually so I can find
out there plans for the future.
Ha, future.
ADAM has always been kind of a
slacker, we're not sure he has
much of a future.
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
Every kid has potential, some of
them just need to be nudged in the
right direction. When I asked him
what his plans were after high
school, he gave me a disturbing


                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR (cont'd)
He is disturbing.
What did he say?
I said I want to get the fuck out
of here and as far away from you
twisted fucks as possible.
That is interesting.
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
I found it more disturbing than
It's the best news I've heard in
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
Is everything alright at home?
Everything's fine, his brother TIM
is doing great, and now that ADAM
plans on leaving things should
only get better.
I'll tell you what the problem is,
he's a homotesticle.
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
You mean homosexual?
I am not gay.
I'm pretty sure it's homotesticle.
You know because these guys like
other guys testicles, their balls
and whatnot, all in their face.
I'm not a fuckin homo!


Well you've never brought any
girls home to meet us.
Why the hell would I bring home
anyone to meet you freaks?
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
Let's all relax here.
Tim brings home girls.
He does.
He's the fucking golden boy, you
guys don't embarrass him like you
do me.
He is a good boy.
Tim's the best.
Fuck Tim.
                       GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
Now calm down ADAM.
No, fuck Tim and fuck all of you.
ADAM gets up and leaves the office, slamming the door behind
He's probably going to go find
some other guy's balls to play
                                         END FLASHBACK


JEFF is sitting in a waiting area outside of the general
manager's office. The only other person there is the
secretary at the desk. The phone rings at the desk and the
secretary answers it.

The secretary hangs up the phone.
Mr. Cromwell.
You can go in now.
Thank you.
JEFF walks through the door of the general managers office,
he closes the door behind him.
I tell people that didn't have
good parents that it's imperative
to find parental figures somewhere
else in life.
That really never happened for me.
After high school I just got a job
and a small apartment and kind of
secluded myself from the outside
world. I started writing and I
saved up enough cash to move to
New York after a few years.
You've told me a little about STAN
and JEFF, but tell me about some
of your other friends that might
have a positive influence on you.


I really don't have any other
friends, aside from the occasional
It's really healthy to surround
yourself with people you can look
up to or lean on when you need
STAN and JEFF are exactly that,
you talk about parental figures,
STAN is like the dad I always
wished I had and JEFF is as close
to a mom as I ever needed.
From what you've told me about
them, JEFF seems like a good
person to have around you, I'm a
little concerned with STAN though.
Why would you be concerned?
He doesn't sound like a very
positive person, and with
considering suicide, I'd say you
don't need any negative energy in
your life.
You don't know what your talking
Well STAN openly admits to, and I
quote, "not giving a fuck". He
steals from his job and then
there's that whole things about
the incident at his girlfriends
STAN's definitely rough around the
edges, but he is always there for
me and JEFF.
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK


ADAM, STAN, and JEFF are walking down the street in
Manhattan. They are approached by a street performer.
                       STREET PERFORMER
You guy's want to see a magic
No thanks.
Come on, it will take two minutes,
let's see it.
STAN looks at ADAM.
Let's watch it.
It's like I'm babysitting kids
                       STREET PERFORMER
Pick a card and show it to your
friends but don't let me see it.
JEFF picks a card out of the deck and shows it to his
                       STREET PERFORMER
Now put it back in the deck
anywhere you want.
JEFF places the card back in the deck.
                       STREET PERFORMER
Now, you put your card in the
middle of deck, correct?
                       STREET PERFORMER
I want you to turn over the top
card of the deck and tell me if
it's your card.
JEFF turns over the top card but it's not the one he picked.
You fuckin idiot, I told you this
was a waste of time.


Let's get out of here.
The performer grabs STAN's arm.
                       STREET PERFORMER
Wait sir, can you just check and
see what's in your back left
STAN reaches into his back pocket and pulls out JEFF's card.
What the fuck is going on here?
That was incredible.
It's just slight of hand.
Whatever it was, it was awesome.
Let's see how good this guy really
is, try and reach in my pants and
jerk me off without me knowing it.
The three guys start walking away but they are approached by
a mime who is standing right in front of them "performing".
The cops should be out here
arresting these people.
They're just trying to make money
like everyone else.
Yeah, give them a break. You have
to admit that card trick was good.
These people are no different than
the bums begging for change.
Not everyone is privileged in


It's not about being privileged,
but if you can ask me for change
then you can certainly walk into a
business and ask for an
application. That's all I'm
He's got a point.
He's just always got to be mad at
The mime is now behind ADAM and he is pretending to pull
ADAM's pants down. People standing around are now laughing
at the mime's antics.
Hey, you making fun of my friend?
The mime shakes his head "no", then looks at the people
standing around and points at ADAM's lower body(pretending
he actually did pull his pants down).
That's funny, you make my friend
look stupid. Come here you fuck!
STAN pulls the back of the mime's shirt up over his head
(like hockey players when they fight), and begins repeatedly
punching the mime.
                                         END FLASHBACK
And how is that a positive thing?
STAN was just looking out for me,
he doesn't let anyone make me or
JEFF look stupid, ever.
But it's OK for him to pick on you
guys, as long as no one else does?
It's like when your mad at your
girlfriend or wife, and you call
her a bitch. It's alright if you
say it but you'd have a problem if


                       ADAM (cont'd)
someone else did.
Your not going to convince that
he's a good person to have around.
I guess it really doesn't matter
anyways since I'm probably not
going to be around by tonight.
Hopefully that's not the case,
honestly though, your life really
doesn't seem that bad to me so
far. I can't see any reason you'd
want to kill yourself.
Like I said, it's just a
culmination of everything, it's
not one specific thing.
We haven't really talked much
about women yet, I know how your
last relationship ended, what
about the girl's you've dated
before that?
It's always the same bullshit.
They either hate my friends, they
hate something about me and they
want to change it, or they're just
plain crazy.
Relationships can be difficult,
it's all about give and take.
You're right.
Sarah said she felt like you
didn't show her how much you
cared, has that been a problem


The truth is, I didn't care. I was
always just looking for that one
girl that can deal with all the
bullshit that comes along with
being with me. If I had found her
then I would probably would have
gotten married. Sarah was just a
piece of ass holding me over until
I found the next one.
If you committed suicide then
you'd never get to experience the
love you've waited for.
Finding true love isn't really
that high up on my list of goals.
So what was it about Sarah that
made you think she wasn't the one.
You ever been to war doc?
I was never in the military.
Neither was I, but I was watching
this show about the war in the
middle east once and they asked
this guy how he would describe his
time in Iraq. He said it was 98%
boredom and 2% shear terror.
That's exactly how I would
describe my time with Sarah.
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK
ADAM is sitting in chair next to a dressing room in a
woman's clothing store. He is barely awake and he nods off
then suddenly wakes a few times. Sarah walks out the
dressing room, there is a sales lady waiting for her.
This top was great, do you have
any more colors?


                       SALES WOMAN
Believe it or not, we actually
have that same top in 12 more
That's wonderful, I'll try them
all on.
But it's the same shirt in
different colors, you already know
how it fits.
But I have to see how each color
looks on me. You know, I better
find some pants too.
Sarah starts looking through a rack of clothes, ADAM covers
his face with his hands.
                                         CUT TO
ADAM and Sarah are sitting in the living room of his
So you want to go out? See a movie
or something?
I thought we could just stay here
That's cool, I'll see what's on
No, No TV, let's just talk. We
never just talk.
Talk about what?
I really don't have anything to


Tell me about work.
All I can say about that is I hate
my job. I can't wait until I can
quit that fucking place.
But like tell me how your day was.
The truth is, I'm trying to forget
Maybe you should try looking for a
new job.
You know what, I think I'm just a
really boring person, maybe we
should talk about you. How's your
mom doing?
She's doing good. My aunt Marge is
a mess though. She called me last
night because she was constipated
and she was so uncomfortable that
she just wanted to talk to
someone. She was telling me all
about her son, my cousin Frank,
apparently he was dating another
woman behind his wife's back and
now she's pregnant. His wife wants
a divorce now but Aunt Marge say's
she wouldn't survive ten minutes
without Frank. I guess she has to
say that though since that's her
Sarah just keeps talking while ADAM sits next to her staring
straight ahead with a look of absolute boredom on his face.
                       ADAM (VO)
And then, when you think you can't
be any more bored, that's when she
hits you with the shear terror.
                                         CUT TO


ADAM and Sarah are in bed having sex. Sarah is on top. She
is bouncing up and down and screaming, ADAM has a very
frightened look on his face.
Hey, you want to try some anal?
Yeah, what'd you have in mind?
Sarah puts two fingers in her mouth to wet them, and even
though we don't actually see it, we realize that she jams
her two fingers in ADAM's butt. ADAM lets out a scream.
                                         END FLASHBACK
Women love to shop, don't they?
I'm not worried about the
shopping, it's the fingers in my
ass that I had a problem with.
Well she sounds like a fun girl to
Last I heard, she's available.
Can you describe your emotions
when you saw her kissing that guy
at the bar?
I just felt relieved.
Yeah, like a big weight had been
lifted off of me. When I saw her
kissing that guy, the first
thought in my head was thinking
about how great is was going to be
to not have to talk to her ever
again. She was so long winded, she
could talk forever. I had no
choice but to listen to her
bullshit though because otherwise
we'd get into a fight about me not


                       ADAM (cont'd)
listening and then I wouldn't get
any sex that night.
But you just said the sex was a
bit frightening.
Yeah but I look at pussy like I
look at lasagna. Bad lasagna is
better than no lasagna.
Do you ever consider the women's
feelings in your relationships?
Your obviously only with them for
the sex since you say you haven't
found anyone that's really
compatible with you. Do you ever
consider the fact that maybe you
should be upfront about your
feelings towards them?
It's almost like I don't feel
anything anymore. I rarely
consider anyone's feelings. I
think my parents robbed me of my
Feeling little or no emotion is
definitely something that can be
fixed. I can't give you a magic
cure right this second, it takes
time, but you can learn to feel
That doesn't really interest me
though, it seems like people that
are emotional end up miserable far
too often.
But I feel like you wouldn't want
to hurt yourself if you had the
ability to care about your life


I think the lack of caring is what
got me this far. But now I look
back at everything and I don't
feel like I have anything else
left to accomplish. I've done
everything my way my entire life
and now I'm just fed up with it
Do you ever feel depressed?
Yeah, who doesn't?
Do you get depressed often?
Not often.
Whe you do get these feelings of
depression, how severe would you
say they are?
I've really only been depressed
like four times in my life,
they've all been really bad
though. It's like I just hit rock
bottom and I don't think I've ever
fully recovered from any of them.
You only ever been depressed four
times in your entire life?
I remember all four of those days
like they were yesterday.
Will you tell me about those days?
The first one was when I was nine
years old...
                                         BEGIN FLASHBACK


ADAM, nine years old, is sitting on the floor watching the
1986 AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME between Cleveland and Denver.
ADAM, nine years old, is sitting on the floor watching the
1986 AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME between Cleveland and Denver.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
John Elway and the Denver Broncos
will start this drive from their
own 2 yard line trailing Cleveland
20-13. The Cleveland defense has
been solid today and they only
need one more stop here to send
the Browns to their first ever
Super Bowl.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 2
With no timeouts, it will take a
miracle for the Broncos to pull
this one off.
                                         5 MINUTES LATER
Nine year old ADAM is still sitting in the same position on
the floor, he has tears rolling down his face.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
Elway has his man, touchdown
Broncos. John Elway just led this
Denver offense 98 yards with no
timeouts to toe the game and we're
going to overtime.
                       ADAM (VO)
Nobody ever remembers overtime
though. Elway took the Broncos 60
yards in 9 plays on their first
possession in overtime and Rich
Karlis hit a 33 yard field goal to
win it.
                                         CUT TO
A ten year old ADAM sits in front of the TV again the
following year. The AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME is rematch
between Denver and Cleveland.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
Denver leads it 38-31 with just
over a minute left in the game.


                       GAME ANNOUNCER 2
The people in Cleveland have got
to be thinking payback right now.
Denver managed to tie the game
last year at the end of regulation
and win it in overtime, now the
Browns are looking to return the
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
Kosar is under center, the ball is
snapped. Here's the handoff to
Byner. Byner has has a clear path
to the endzone! The ball is
stripped! The ball is stripped!
And it looks like Denver recovered
the fumble.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 2
Byner had an open lane to the
endzone and then out of nowhere he
just got stripped.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
Once again Denver has broken
Cleveland hearts and they are
headed to the Super Bowl.
Ten year old ADAM again sits silent with tears rolling down
his face.
                                         CUT TO
NOVEMBER 6, 1995

TIM, ADAM's brother, is sitting on the couch in the family's
living room. He is talking on the phone. ADAM enters the
room and looks at the television screen.
Hey, turn this up, they're talking
about the Browns.
TIM turns up the volume on the TV.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
In what is being called the
darkest day in the history of the
city of Cleveland, Brown's owner
Art Modell has made it official,
the team is moving to Baltimore.
City his unhappiness with the
city's decision to hold off on
building the Browns a new stadium,


                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1 (cont'd)
Modell say's he has no choice but
to move the team to Baltimore.
ADAM face looks like he's just seen a ghost. He slumps down
onto the couch and continues watching the bad news. The TV
announcer's voice becomes barely audible as ADAM starts his
voice over.
                       ADAM (VO)
And just like that, everything I
had ever fuckin cared about was
ripped away from me. They made the
announcement like halfway through
the '95 season so watching the
last 8 games was almost like
torture. Just knowing that next
year they would be in Baltimore. I
never felt so low in my entire
life. I would have done anything
to feel the pain of those defeats
to the Broncos instead of the deep
hurt I was feeling hearing that
the Browns were leaving town.
                                         CUT TO

ADAM is sitting in a bar wearing a Cleveland Indians
baseball hat and jersey. He is surrounded by other Indians
fans. They are all glued to the TV's in the bar.
                       ADAM (VO)
Almost as soon as the Browns left
town, the Cleveland Indians became
a powerhouse. The city was still
feeling the pain of losing our
football team and the Indians
helped everyone breathe a little
easier. Everyone in Cleveland
loved the Indians but no one ever
thought we'd see them win anything
in our lifetime. They made it to
the World Series in '95 and they
lost to the Braves. It really
didn't hurt much since we had such
a young team, we knew they'd get
back there, and in 1997 they did.
                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1
It's the bottom of the 11th inning
and the game is tied at 2 apiece.
The Cleveland Indians are looking


                       GAME ANNOUNCER 1 (cont'd)
for their first World Series
victory since 1948. The series is
all tied 3 to 3 so the winner of
this game will the world champs.

The Marlins have the bases loaded
with 2 outs, Jose Mesa is on the
mound for Cleveland. An out at any
base will send this game to the
12th inning.

Mesa is set, here's the pitch to
Renteria. Renteria singles up the
middle, here comes Craig Counsell,
he's gonna score. And the Florida
Marlins win their first World
Series title in the franchises
short history.
Everyone in the bar just stares at the TV screens with blank
looks on their faces.
                                         END FLASHBACK
Just when we thought the Indians
would erase the pain left by the
Browns, they ripped whatever was
left of hearts right out of our
chests and shoved them straight up
our asses. The Browns eventually
came back to town but it's never
been the same. The Indians have
slowly gone downhill until this
year but they found a way to make
another heartbreaking exit out of
the playoffs. After all these
years, I just can't get over the
agony of the defeats. Just one
time I want to be the one
celebrating when my team wins the
big one. I realized yesterday that
I'll probably never see it and I
don't feel like I need to go on
anymore knowing that I'll have my
heart broken like that again.
I have to admit that I'm in
complete shock here. Correct me if
I'm wrong. Your planning on
killing yourself because your
favorite teams have never won the


                       MATT (cont'd)
big one?
That's pretty much it.
That's insane!
I wouldn't expect you to
Please, help me understand it.
I guess I had a fucked up
childhood, my parents really did
their best to ruin my life. I
needed something to rely on,
something to look up to. I never
found that in any person, I found
it in my city, Cleveland, Ohio.
That's all I had to be proud of. I
was always a big sports fan so it
was just natural that the teams
that represented my city meant
everything to me. I felt obligated
to live and die by my hometown
teams, especially after I moved to
New York and left the city behind
that made me the person I am.
But the city you left behind is
the reason you want to kill
yourself, you don't see anything
absurd about that?
Not at all, just reliving those
memories with you has me feeling
even more like dying than I did
when I first came in here.
ADAM I'm truly at loss for words.
I have talked to people that were
suicidal because they lost their
jobs or their wife left them, but
I've never heard of anyone that
wants to end their life because
they feel obligated to experience


                       MATT (cont'd)
the ups and downs of the sports
teams in the city they were raised
Well like I said, I don't expect
you to understand it.
Yeah but I'd like to help you, I'd
like to make it so that when you
walk out of this office you feel
the need to continue your life and
live up to your full potential.
But that's really not the reason
I'm here, I told you already, I
just thought maybe telling my
story would be enough of a so
called soul cleansing to help me
get into to heaven if it actually
I can't honestly tell you if
heaven exists or not. Do I believe
in god? Yes. But I don't think
suicide will get you into heaven.
I think suicide will lead to an
eternity pain and suffering.
I guess I'll have to find out for
ADAM, I think you need to give it
a few days. Time heals all wounds.
In a couple of days you'll
probably not even feel nearly as
bad as you do right now. The fact
that you've never committed
suicide after all these other
losses tells me that yesterday was
just a unique situation. You lost
your job, you lost your girl, and
your team lost a big game. All of
the emotion and depression that
comes with each of those instances
is being magnified because they
all happened within a few hours of
each other. I don't think you'd


                       MATT (cont'd)
even think twice about that stuff
if it all happened over the course
of a month instead the course of
one day.
I don't want you to think I
totally ignored that whole speech,
it was great and I mean that, but
I really could go for a cigarette.
      (Looking shocked
       from what he's
       just heard.)
I could use a break myself.
JEFF is outside of the training facility in Kansas City. He
calls Stan on his cell phone. The camera shot switches back
and forth between whichever one of them is talking.
JEFF, what happened?
I made the team.
You made the team?
I made the team.
I fuckin knew it!
I'm still shaking, it's like it's
too good to be true.
Bullshit man, you earned it, you
busted your ass and you made it
back into the league. You deserve


Well listen, I'm on my way back to
New York.
Your not staying there?
I didn't bring anything with me so
they're letting me fly home to
pack. I'm only going to be in New
York for about 5 hours and then I
have to catch the red eye back to
K.C.. I have to be at practice
Me, you and ADAM will go out to
dinner while your here, we'll
Sounds good to me. Hey my car is
here so I have to get going, call
ADAM for me and tell him the news.
I been trying to call him all day,
he's not answering. I'll go over
there now and drag his ass out of
He's probably just hungover.
Probably. Alright, well call me
when you get here.
Will do.
I'm really proud of you.
Thank you.


JEFF hangs up his phone and he has a smile on his face. A
car pulls up and gets in.
ADAM is standing on the sidewalk smoking a cigarette. He
throws the cigarette down when he's down. He walks up to a
hot dog vendor.
Can I get a hot dog and a coke.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
You want anything on the dog?
Mustard and relish.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Seven dollars.
ADAM hands him money and the vendor hands ADAM the hot dog
and the soda.
You must have an interesting job.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Why's that?
You know, you get sit here all day
watching people go by. You
probably see all kinds of crazy
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
You think seeing crazy shit is a
good thing?
It's gotta keep things fresh.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Are you just trying to throw
verbal jabs because I'm a hot dog


                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Seriously man, your probably some
rich asshole that thinks living
the life of the common man is
probably so much fun.
That's not it at all.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Oh sure, you probably think it's
like that movie Titanic, the rich
people live their stuffy lives
while the poor folk spend their
days just yucking it up and
I never said anything about
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Well let me tell you something
man, I'm a human being just like
you. Fuck you and fuck all your
rich fucking friends. While your
out banging chicks that would
probably find me physically
repulsive, I'm going home to my
fat ass wife every night. While
your driving around in your fancy
hotrods, I'm looking for a
radiator hose for a 1987 Yugo so I
can drive to the goddamn grocery
store and buy some fucking ice
cream so I can enjoy some of
life's simple pleasures.
You got it all wrong buddy.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Do you have the slightest fucking
idea of what it's like selling
these motherfucking hot dogs day
after day?
Well no.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
Of course you don't, you don't
have any clue. At first sounds
like a great gig, make a few bucks


                       HOT DOG VENDOR (cont'd)
and eat all the hot dogs you want.
Well that shit gets old really
fast man. And as far as making a
few bucks goes, that's all I make
pal, a few fucking dollars. I can
barely survive on this fucking
money. And you want to know the
worst part of it all? Well I'll
tell you. The smell. It's the
smell man. When I used to pass by
a hot dog cart, I loved the quick
smell of a fresh red hot. But all
that shit changes when the stink
of these grotesque franks is under
your goddamn nose 12 hours a day.
And then, as if that wasn't bad
enough, you try to take a shower
and wash the stink out but it
doesn't wash out. It's embedded in
my skin. It doesn't go away.
Everywhere I go, people say "what
the fuck smells like hot dogs?".
It's me! That's what smells like a
fucking hot dog. And don't forget
about the comedic geniuses that
pass by and say "hey, why don't go
fuck one those hot dogs", or "hey,
is your name Oscar fucking Meyer".
I would have asked if your name
was Nathan.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
How fucking original you piece of
shit prick!
ADAM pulls a medication bottle out of pocket and sets it on
the hot dog cart.
Hey pal, here's a bottle of
sleeping pills. I was gonna use
them to kill myself but after
talking to you I realized that I
don't want to die as long as there
are people out there more
miserable with their lives than I
am. Just take the whole bottle
man, you need 'em more than I do.
ADAM takes a bite of his hot dog and starts walking away.


                       HOT DOG VENDOR
I hope you choke on that hot dog
you son of a bitch!
ADAM walks away from the hot dog cart and he pulls his cell
phone out of his pocket and sees that he has messages. He
begins to listen to them.
                       STAN (0S)
Hey ADAM it's STAN, where the fuck
are you?
ADAM pushes a button to listen to the next message.
                       STAN (0S)
ADAM, what the fuck man, call me
ADAM pushes a button to listen to the next message.
                       STAN (0S)
JEFF made the team! I told him the
three of us would get together for
dinner tonight. He'll only be in
town for a few hours tonight. Call
me back.
ADAM smiles at hearing the good news about JEFF. Then he
pushes a button to listen to the next message.
                       ALAN FLECK (0S)
Hi ADAM, my name is ALAN FLECK. I
was visiting my mom at the
retirement home yesterday and I
saw that she had a script for a
play she was supposed to be in,
"Coming of Age", anyways I read
the script and thought it was
brilliant. I would be interested
in producing it and getting it on
Broadway if it's still available.
Call me back at 555-7062. I look
forward to working with you.
ADAM hangs up his cell phone.
      (To himself)
Un fuckin believable.
All of a sudden ADAM has an extra bounce in his step as
reenters the building where Matt's office is.


Matt walks up to his secretary's desk.
I'm waiting for my patient, ADAM,
to come back. Here should be here
any minute. Just tell him I'll be
back in my office in a few
No problem.
I have to call my wife, we're
still fighting back and forth
about where to go on vacation.
I thought you were going to Miami.
All of a sudden she's hell bent on
going to Hawaii.
I've only been to Hawaii once but
I can't wait to go back someday.
It's so beautiful.
I just hate the idea of that long
It's really not that bad, and it's
so well worth it once you there.
I guess I can always just
prescribe myself a bunch of xanax
and sleep through the whole
thing.Fuck it, I'll her we're
going to Hawaii.
You'll be so happy once you there.
OK, don't forget to tell ADAM I'll
be back in a few minutes.


You got it.
MATT walks away from the secretary and goes a few feet down
the hall and into the restroom. As he enters the restroom,
ADAM walks up to secretary's desk.
I'm here with the doctor, I just
had to go outside to have a
Matt said to tell you he would be
back in the office in a few
No problem. Can you tell me where
the closest restroom is?
First door on the right.
You got lucky being so close to a
restroom in this big ass building.
It definitely comes in handy when
I'm on my period.
ADAM looks at the secretary disgusted as he walks towards
the bathroom and then enters it. There are three stalls in
the restroom, ADAM enters the far right stall. He doesn't
know that MATT is in the stall next to him. We see a closeup
shot of MATT's face as he hits call on his cellphone. As
each character speaks, the camera shows a closeup of just
their face while they are both sitting on the toilets in
their respective stalls. ADAM thinks the comments MATT makes
on the phone to his wife are actually directed at him
Hey doc.
So what are you doing?


Just getting ready to take a shit.
That sounds like fun.
If you say so.
So listen, I decided that your
right and I'm giving in on the
The plan to kill myself?
I actually came back to tell you I
changed my mind.
No more arguing, we're gonna do
Did you have a drink or something
while I was gone, I said I changed
my mind.
Well that sounds good to me.
Thanks for your approval.
So are you excited?
What, to keep on living?
You know, for us to spend a nice
quiet time alone.
Where, in the bathroom? What the
hell is going on here?


I just want to sit on the beach
with you in my arms and watch the
sunset together.
I don't if your playing or not
here, but you need to chill out on
the gay talk.
And I'm going to make hot,
passionate love to you over and
over again every night.
I'm gonna beat your fuckin ass...
ADAM stands up and quickly pulls his pants up and jumps up
onto the toilet so he can look over the wall of the stall to
see MATT, who ADAM thinks has just been coming on to him.
The camera is now looking down into the stall MATT is in and
he's sitting backwards on the toilet.
ADAM what are you doing?
MATT hangs up his phone and struggles to stand up. Because
he is sitting backwards and the stall is small, he can't get
up right away.
You sick twisted fuck!
I was talking to my wife.
I don't care about that. Your
sitting backwards on the fuckin
I was curious, that's all.
This is gonna catch on, isn't it.
ADAM exits the stall and walks out the restroom door.


STAN is walking from the front of the restaurant towards an
empty table. His cellphone rings and he answers it. As he
talks to ADAM on his phone, the shot shows the person
talking. ADAM is walking down the street in Manhattan.
ADAM what the fuck? Where you
I had some shit to take care of
today. Where you at?
You got my message about JEFF?
STAN see's Tracy's mom sitting at a nearby table and she is
staring at him.(The woman who caught him sitting backwards
on the toilet in the story from scene 2). He gets to an
empty table and turns the seat around backwards and sits
down, he never makes eye contact with Tracy's mom. The woman
uses her hand to cover her face when he sits backwards in
the chair.
Yeah that's fuckin awesome.
He's on his way here now from the
airport. You coming or what?
Where you at?
Francesco's over on 81st.
I'll be there in like 20 minutes.
Alright, I'll see you in a few.
ADAM hangs up his phone and puts it in his pocket. The
camera shot is behind ADAM as approaches a street corner,
the shot never moves the street corner as ADAM begins to
cross the street. The crosswalk sign is flashing red.


When he gets about halfway across the street, a bus moving
very quickly smashes into him and keeps driving out of the


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