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Eleven Balls Left (Short
by David Wells (dlwells4@gmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Wife is upset about husband golfing on her birthday and exacts revenge


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
DAVE, early 30's - mid 40's, drives his car down the street
and pulls into his driveway. He clicks the automatic garage
door opener and the door lifts up. Slowly, Dave gets out of
his car. He is in immense pain. He is hunched over with his
hands on his lower back as he closes the door. Dave looks
in the back seat and sees a box of Maxfli golf balls laying
on the floor next to his golf shoes. Dave slowly opens the
back door, bends over slightly to grab the balls and shoes
and starts wincing. He clicks open the trunk and places the
shoes in the trunk next to his golf bag. He opens a zipper
in the golf bag and places the entire box of golf balls
inside the bag. Still in pain, he closes the trunk and walks
slowly towards the garage entrance that leads into the
kitchen of the house.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN OF HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Dave, hunched over and grabbing his back, walks slowly into
the kitchen. He walks through the kitchen into the hallway
and stops at the den where his son, JACK, 13, is typing on
his computer. Jack turns his head toward Dave and looks
alarmed.
                                                            
                       JACK
Dad, you okay?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No. I wrenched my back playing
golf.
                                                            
                       JACK
How?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I tried to hit a ball real far and
I swung real hard and my back went
out.
                                                            
                       JACK
Need some help?
                                                            
                       DAVE
In a sec. Where's mom?
                                                            
                       JACK
Sleeping.
                                                            

2.

                       DAVE
Hmmmm.
                                                            
                       JACK
She's been a sleep a long time.
                                                            
                       DAVE
But it's only nine o'clock.
                                                            
                       JACK
She's mad dad.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Uh huh.
                                                            
                       JACK
Real mad dad. You missed her
birthday.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I realized it on the 14th hole.
                                                            
                       JACK
Why didn't you come home early
then?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I played thirty six holes today.
It was the 14th hole of the second
round.
                                                            
                       JACK
Huh?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Nothing...Has she, you know...
                                                            
                       JACK
Sleepwalked?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JACK
No, not yet.
                                                            
                       DAVE
That's good. Hey buddy, I'm going
to need your help getting me up
the stairs. I gotta take some pain
pills and get to the doctor first
thing tomorrow morning.
                                                            

3.

                       JACK
Sure dad.
                                                            
Jack gets out his chair and helps Dave up the stairs.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Thanks bud. I can take it from
here.
                                                            
                       JACK
Dad, you should get some flowers
for mom tomorrow.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'll do something special.
                                                            
 
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dave enters in the bedroom. He slowly walks towards his wife
SUE, 30's - mid 40's who is sound asleep. Dave walks into
the bathroom and finds some pills. He cups one hand, fills
it with water and swallows the pills. He looks at his face
in the mirror and shakes his head.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm in big trouble.
                                                            
 
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
It is the next morning. Dave and Sue are both asleep when
Jack KNOCKS on the door.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (groggy)
Come on in Jack.
                                                            
                       JACK
Mom was walking in her sleep
again.
                                                            
Dave and Jack look at Sue who is in a peaceful, deep sleep.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Any damage?
                                                            
                       JACK
I haven't been downstairs yet but
she left the water on in the other
bathroom.
                                                            

4.

                       DAVE
Any get on the floor?
                                                            
                       JACK
No.
                                                            
Dave gets out his bed and winces more severely than the
previous evening. He grabs his buttocks.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh my God!
                                                            
                       JACK
      (concerned)
What dad?
                                                            
                       DAVE
The pain's spread downward. My
entire backside is killing me!
                                                            
                       JACK
Should we wake up mom?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, don't. I gotta get to the
doctor.
                                                            
                       JACK
Dad?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah?
                                                            
                       JACK
Mom came into my room and was
yelling at me last night.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What she say?
                                                            
                       JACK
It was real late and she barged in
the room with a bag of chips and
told me to clean the ear out of my
wax.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You mean, wax out of your ear.
                                                            

5.

                       JACK
No. she kept saying it over and
over again "clean the ear out of
your wax, clean the ear out of
your wax!"
                                                            
                       DAVE
Gibberish. Definitely asleep.
                                                            
                       JACK
And as she was yelling at me, she
was eating chips and spraying them
everywhere and now there's chips
all over my bedroom floor. I
didn't do it dad, mom did.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't worry. You're not in
trouble, I am.
                                                            
                       JACK
Then she said I was grounded and I
wasn't allowed to drive the car
for a month.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No damage there, considering
you're only thirteen.
                                                            
                       JACK
She needs help dad. She's going
to hurt herself.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I know. I know. And when I go to
the doctor this morning, I'll get
an appointment for your mom. Her
sleepwalking is getting worse.
                                                            
Dave takes a step forward and grimaces. Jack helps Dave walk
out of the room and towards the stairs.
                                                            
                       JACK
Be careful here. Mom put your golf
clubs outside the door.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What? Why in the hell did she do
that?
                                                            
                       JACK
I think she's mad because you
played golf on her birthday.
                                                            

6.

                       DAVE
Jack, put the clubs back in the
garage. I can ease myself down
the stairs.
                                                            
Jack picks up the clubs and walks down the stairs and stops
and turns back toward Dave.
                                                            
                       JACK
I forgot to tell you one last
thing mom said last night.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What?
                                                            
                       JACK
After she got done yelling at me
about my ears, she said "Golf is
for pussies" and then slammed my
door.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Whoa, well that one was definitely
directed towards me. Sorry about
that bud.
                                                            
 
INT. DOCTOR'S WAITING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Dave stands against a wall in the Doctor's waiting room. He
looks at the four or five people other patients, all with
different ailments. Dave looks at his watch with a grimace.
The door to the doctor's examining rooms opens and a NURSE
appears.
                                                            
                       NURSE
      (Loud)
Dave Williams.
                                                            
                       DAVE
That's me.
                                                            
Dave walks slowly towards the nurse.
                                                            
                       NURSE
Do you need a wheel chair?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No I can't sit down. My ass is
about ready to explode.
                                                            
Some of the other patients in the waiting room look up after
hearing Dave's comment.
                                                            

7.

                       NURSE
Ooooh.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (mocking)
Yeah,"Ooooh."
                                                            
 
INT. DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Dave stands next to the examining bed, bracing himself.
DOCTOR STEIN enters.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR STEIN
      (smiles)
Heard you're in a bit of pain.
                                                            
                       DAVE
A bit.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR STEIN
What happened?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I threw my back out on a drive on
the last hole yesterday.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR STEIN
      (laughs)
Tiger Woods you're not.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, but I'm "in the woods a lot."
                                                            
                       DOCTOR STEIN
Good one.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Anyway, my back was killing me
yesterday and now it's spread to
my buttocks. Not only am I in pain
but also constipated.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR STEIN
Hmmm, I don't think your golf
swing caused constipation but
probably caused a lot of
heartache.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well, I'm in a lot of pain and I'm
constipated. You figure it out.
                                                            

8.

                       DOCTOR STEIN
Let's get an X-Ray of that
backside of yours.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes, let's.
                                                            
 
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Sue sits the kitchen with a peaceful looks as she sips
coffee and reads the newspaper. Dave enters the kitchen from
the garage entrance. He is in worse pain now and approaches
Sue. Dave is holding a box of Maxfli golf balls in one hand
and an X-Ray in the other hand.
                                                            
                       SUE
Honey, you okay?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No. You need to drive me to the
hospital.
                                                            
                       SUE
      (concerned)
Dave, what happened? Here, let me
help you sit down.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I can't sit.
                                                            
Dave braces himself against the back of a chair.
                                                            
                       SUE
Why are you in pain?
      (looks at X-Ray)
What's that?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (ignores Sue)
Did you know you slept-walk last
night?
                                                            
                       SUE
Again? Sorry. Did I wake you up?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (getting upset)
No. The pain pill knocked me out.
                                                            
                       SUE
What?
                                                            

9.

                       DAVE
I wrenched my back playing golf
yesterday.
                                                            
                       SUE
      (sarcastic)
Yesterday?... Oh, you mean my
birthday, that yesterday?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (stunned)
Huh?
                                                            
                       SUE
Is that an X-Ray?
                                                            
Sue grabs the X-Ray out of his hands and looks at it.
                                                            
                       SUE
What's that round thing?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I have an obstruction near my
colon.
                                                            
                       SUE
Ouch!
                                                            
                       DAVE
The doctor said it needs to be
removed immediately.
                                                            
                       SUE
Your colon?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, the obstruction.
                                                            
                       SUE
I'm confused. What's the deal with
the golf balls?
                                                            
Dave places the box of golf balls on the table and lifts the
lid. There are four three-packs of balls. One of the
three-packs is opened and is missing a ball. Dave lifts the
opened three-pack and shows Sue.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (Angry)
Someone shoved a golf ball up my
ass and it wasn't my caddy!
                                                            
Dave points to the ball on the X-Ray.
                                                            

10.

                       DAVE
That's a Maxfli!
                                                            
                       SUE
Are you saying I did that?
                                                            
                       DAVE
You set a new sleep walking record
last night Sue! You walked
downstairs, entered the garage,
opened the trunk, grabbed my clubs
and somehow hauled them up the
stairs...
                                                            
                       SUE
I just don't see how I...
                                                            
                       DAVE
You then took the balls out of my
bag and and shoved one up my ass
while I was sleeping!
                                                            
                       SUE
David, honey, I'm so sorry. I
can't believe I would...
                                                            
                       DAVE
You were mad that I played golf.
                                                            
                       SUE
I was asleep and have no control
over my actions...even on my
birthday.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm sorry I screwed up your
birthday, okay? But you punish me
by lodging one up my butt hole?
                                                            
                       SUE
I was sleep walking! I told you I
was sorry.
                                                            
                       DAVE
How in the hell did you get it up
there anyway?
                                                            
                       SUE
Obviously it wasn't that hard.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What are you implying?
                                                            

11.

                       SUE
Nothing Dave, nothing.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well, we need to get it out or I
have to go to the E-R.
                                                            
                       SUE
I can help.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (suspicious)
How?
                                                            
                       SUE
I've dealt with constipation
issues before.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I think I'm more plugged than
constipated.
                                                            
                       SUE
Have you tried pooping it out?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (mocking)
Of course I've tried "pooping it
out." Feels like a pumpkin's
swimming up there.
                                                            
                       SUE
      (smiles)
Now you know how pregnant women
feel.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Let's get this over with. What do
I do?
                                                            
                       SUE
Well, let's try the old fashion
way, an enema. I feel a sense of
obligation to help you and I'm
even be willing to insert it
myself.
                                                            
                       DAVE
There's no way in hell your hand
is ever getting near my ass again!
Next thing I know my car keys will
be jiggling inside me.
                                                            

12.

                       SUE
Okay, no enema. I've got another
idea.
                                                            
Dave looks down, shaking his head while Sue opens a
cupboard, looking for something. Finally she finds a jump
rope and shows it to Dave proudly.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (irritated)
A jump rope?
                                                            
                       SUE
Let gravity work with you. After
a few skips, I'm sure it'll drop.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Have you noticed the pain I'm in?
I can barely walk and you think I
can skip a rope? Seriously Sue, I
know I missed your birthday, but
are you trying to kill me?
                                                            
                       SUE
      (ignores Dave)
I guess Jack's trampoline is also
out of the question then, huh?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I can't believe you...
                                                            
                       SUE
I'm brainstorming here. Work with
gravity Dave. Work with gravity.
                                                            
                       DAVE
How about I try mounting that
toilet again and pushing it out
once and for all?
                                                            
                       SUE
Go for it "Tiger." Need some help
sitting down?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (sarcastic)
No, no, you've been plenty helpful
already.
                                                            
Dave slowly walks to the bathroom and closes the door. He
groans from inside the bathroom as he settles himself in.
Five minutes elapse and Dave is deep breathing. His face is

13.

red and he is perspiring heavily. Sue has her ear next to
the door.
                                                            
                       SUE
Any luck yet?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, it's deep. Did you use your
hand or a broom handle when you...
                                                            
                       SUE
Huh?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Nothing... Nothing. I think I
need to go to the E-R, this is not
working.
                                                            
Sue opens the door and sees his agony and smiles slightly in
amusement.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well?
                                                            
                       SUE
Stay there. I need to get
something.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (suspicious)
Okay.
                                                            
Sue walks to the bathroom with a cat in her hands and places
it on Dave's lap.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (yells)
Are you insane? I'm allergic to
Mandy.
                                                            
                       SUE
Exactly. Sneezing is the best
medicine for constipation.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You're losing your mind!
                                                            
                       SUE
Trust me on this, Dave. Hold Mandy
closer to your nose.
                                                            
                       DAVE
This is ridiculous!
                                                            

14.

                       SUE
Do it!
                                                            
Dave places Mandy closer to his nose and he starts sneezing.
After his third sneeze, a SPLASHING noise occurs in the
toilet. The ball is expelled.
                                                            
                       SUE
Success! Told ya! Look down there
and make sure it's a golf ball.
                                                            
Dave looks down at the toilet bowl.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Maxfli.
                                                            
                       SUE
      (devious look)
I could've sworn I used a
Titleist.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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Feedback
From David Chase Date 5/27/2008 ***
I'm somewhere in between Mike and Josh on this one. I don't mind that it built to one good joke, since it is a short. The dialogue was pretty good, but could stand a bit of revision so that people are talking like regular people would talk. I agree with Mike about the structure part. The description goes on pretty long in some cases and jumps around to different scenes. This could be tightened up pretty easily and would make the story flow better.

From mike kobzeff Date 5/22/2008 **
That maxfli/titleist joke feels like a bad rip off of a good episode of seinfeld. All 14 pages lead up to one joke (which doesn't pay off). The story doesn't make any sense, if he went to a doctor to get an xray why would he go home? Needs major structural/ creative work.

From Josh Echevarria Date 5/19/2008 ****
I liked this one also. I like the humour. It was funny and well-written. Great job.


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