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Saving Jayne
by Jennifer Jordon (jingabo12@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Drama   User Review: ***
Jayne Shepard must face her tragic memories and the man that caused them.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



LEO is driving through the rain in his old jet black '68
Ford Cougar. You can tell he's had it for awhile the paint
is chipping off, it has a couple of dents in it, and one of
the head lights is cracked and flickering. He is listening
to Hells Bells on the radio. Lightening strikes and thunder
booms so loud his car jurks. The radio goes out.
What the crap thats my favorite
He punches the radio nothing happens. He switches from his
right foot to his left on the gas peddle kicks the radio and
sound comes on for a second then it fizzes out.
Stupid peice of-
Bam! LEO rams the car in front of him. He slams on the
breaks leg still in the air and his car comes to a
screeching halt. Inertia doesn't agree with him and he slams
into the stearing wheel, package first. He yells. He gets
his leg back to where it belongs wincingin pain. Still in
pain he rests his head on the stearing wheel. He hears a
knock on the window. With out picking up his head he rolls
down his window.
      (thrown off a
You hit my car.
      (slowly lifts head)
      (turns head
       towards DAVID)
I remember.


Sir are you alright?
Yeah, I just enjoy the taste of my
balls, no I'm not alright.
DAVID opens the car door and helps LEO out. LEO leans
against his car still in pain. DAVID leaves LEO and goes to
his car. He reaches in his glove compartment for his
information. He goes back to LEO's car.
I can grab your information for
you just tell me where it is?
Information, why do I need to give
you my info.
You hit me.
My 'nads would beg to differ.
'Nads, you know gonads, balls, the
family jewels-
I know what 'nads are and you hit
Woah woah woah hold on there
mister what are you talkin' about
you might as well have seen Pam
Anderson's headlights you stopped
so fast.
What, no you ramed me and you're
gonna pay for it.
That's funny.


DAVID ,mad, goes and takes LEO's keys out of his car and
starts to walk towards his own.
      (follows DAVID)
Woah what are you doing?
      (pulls out phone)
Calling the cops. We'll let them
handle this.
      (gets to DAVID)
LEO grabs DAVID's arm. DAVID punches him in the face. LEO
falls back. DAVID continues walking to his car. LEO touches
his nose its bleeding. He smiles then puts a fake pained
expression on.
Wait, wait. I'll do it.
      (DAVID continues
Come on man.
DAVID stops and turns around. LEO gets up goes to his car
grabs his info takes it to DAVID.
Here, now there's no need to call
the police.
      (puts phone away,
       not convinced)
LEO and DAVID exchange info. DAVID writes down LEO's info.
LEO searches for a home adress, he smiles again when he
finds it. DAVID doesn't notice. DAVID finishes up.
      (gives LEO back
       his papers and
Here you go.
Thanks, here.


You didn't write anything down.
I got good memory I'll remember.
Its Mr. Hunter right.
Yeah, how'd you know?
It was on your papers.
Oh, well I'll get my lawyer to
contact you later this week.
Thanks same here.
Well I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, I guess so.
LEO and DAVID shake hands and depart.
      (Opens car door
See you soon.
      (back facing
       DAVID, to self)
Very soon.
Its raining outside. JAYNE, age 7, is hiding in her room
under her bed wearing a T-shirt and overalls. The lights are
off and her door is cracked open. The hall light is on so
only a sliver of light is showing in her room. Someone walks
past her room and the shadow covers the light for a second.
She thinks shes safe. Then the door BURSTS open. JAYNE can
see a pair of legs walking around her room, searching for
her. The legs stop in front of her bed. The person crouches


      (she pulls JAYNE
       from under the
I found you.
      (she squirms as
       her mother
       tickles her)
Mom, quit it. Stop it, OK OK I
give, I give.
      (She stops)
OK I'll stop but only if you want
some ice cream.
      (she jumps up,
       grabs her moms
       hand, and she
       attempts to drag
       her out the door)
Come on Mom.
JAYNE runs down the stairs ahead of her mother. She stops
when she gets to the bottom. VICTORIA's still making her way
to the stairs.
                       JAYNE (VO)
      (turning at the
I'm coming, I'm coming hold your

VICTORIA sits JAYNE on the counter and walks the the fridge.
      (picks through the
What kind you want?


Um...vanilla, no wait um...how
about...chocolate, yeah i want
Chocolate it is.
David walks in the house with his trench coat dripping water
on the floor.
      (rubbing water off
       his hair)
Happy Birthday darlin'.
      (She jumps off the
       counter, runs to
       her father, and
       gives him a hug)
Ew you're wet.
      (he picks her up)
Yes ma'am I am.
      (he carries her
       back to the
       counter and puts
       her down)
Now whats this I hear about
VICTORIA gets the chocolate ice cream out of the freezer and
walks over to her husband and kisses him on the cheek.
Eww. I'm scarred for life.
Oh sorry it'll never happen again.
Will it Dave?
      (Victoria elbows
Yes, yes it'll never happen again.


      (she gives them a
       untrusting look
       and holds up her
Pinky swear?
      (holds up his
Pinky swear.
      (holds up her
Pinky swear.
      (she smiles and
       lets go)
Daddy you want some ice cream?
Only if you get me some?
      (turns to VICTORIA)
Mom can I pleeeeease get us some
ice cream since its my birthday,
      (She gives her the
       puppy dog eyes)
      (fake pained look
       in her face)
Oh, who can deny a face like that.
JAYNE gets the ice cream. The door bell rings, David
answers. BOOM a shot was fired. VICTORIA runs to JAYNE picks
her up and hides her in the pantry.
Stay in here ok?
      (JAYNE nods her
       head terrified.)
Don't move, don't speak, don't
even breath hard. Don't make a


                       VICTORIA (cont'd)
noise. I love you.
She closes the door hides one of the ice cream bowls and
grabs a gun from a drawer. Walks out of the kitchen and
turns right. More shots fired. A couple of seconds go by. A
man walks into the kitchen. His gun was holstered to his
pants. He had a smirk on his face as he walked around the
kitchen. JAYNE was so scared she couldn't move, she couldn't
breath, she couldn't even think.
                       LEO (OS)
Jaynie...oh, Jaynie...where are
you? That's OK you don't have to
say anything.
      (he slams open the
I already know where you are.
JAYNE tries to run out but LEO grabs her with one arm and
covers her face with a wet cloth with the other. She tries
to flail out of his grip but she starts to feel heavy and
tired all of a sudden. Then her body goes limp. LEO throws
her over his shoulder and walks out of the kitchen. He turns
to get one last look at his handy work. David's body was
lain out face down next to the stairs and VICTORIA'S was
sprawled out with a puddle forming around it. LEO smiles and
walks out the door.
The weather has steadily been getting worse. The rain has
been coming down harder and the wind has picked up some. LEO
has been driving for a couple of hours and JAYNE has been
out the entire time.
      (looks back at
Looks like todays my lucky day.
LEO sees a gas station and stops to relieve his self. What
he doesn't know is JEAN woke up about ten minutes into their
ride. She was still afraid but she knew what she had to do
to stay alive: play along. After LEO parked the car JAYNE
waited a couple of minutes for him to get into the store.
When she was sure he was in she jumped in the front and
checked for keys. There were none so she got out of the car
and ran behind the building. She remembered seeing lights
about thirty minutes before the stop and ran in the
direction they came.


The weather is getting worse. Its starting to storm. It
started with thunder then cam the lightening, next was the
wind. She keeps walking down the dark road.
There are no houses, no lights, no one help her. Hope starts
to slip away.
                       JAYNE (VO)
The rain feels like sharp needles
stabing me. I'm just so tired from
running so far. He's going to find
me. I have to hide. I can't feel
my legs anymore. Its so cold. I
want to stop...Wait there's a
light just a little further.
She looks up one more time with her last bit of hope and
sees a light. Finally she gets there. She forces her and to
knock on the door. A woman answers.
      (Opens the door)
      (Looks around then
       looks down)
Are you ok?
      (drained look on
       her face)
      (slowly falls to
      (She goes down to
       pick her up with
       worry all over
       her face.)
      (Pickes JEAN up
       and runs to the
       living room)


      (laying on his bed
       watching tv.
       yells back.)
      (looks in the
       direction of his
      (look back down at
       the shivering
      (rolling his eyes)
OK OK I'm comin' I'm comin'.
He gets down stairs and see JEAN. He runs to MARGRET.
      (his eyes get big)
Mom, what happened, who is she?
I don't know give me the towels.
Go call 911.
He runs to kitchen and grabs the phone, dials 911, and runs
back to the living room.
                       OPERATOR (VO)
911 Operator Cindy speaking how
may I help you?
      (Freaking out)
I don't know, I don't know just
send a ambulance hurry, hurry.
                       OPERATOR (VO)
Sir, sir calm down tell me what
I don't know.
                       OPERATOR (VO)
Can I speak to and adult?


Yeah yeah sure. Here, Mom.
                       OPERATOR (VO)
What has happened ma'am?
      (talking cal,)
Um, the girl had been outside, she
collapsed. She is soaking wet and
is running a fever. What do I do?
                       OPERATOR (VO)
Are her clothes still wet?
Yes, soaking.
                       OPERATOR (VO)
Get them off and wrap her up in
some towels or a blanket. Keep her
warm. The ambulance should be
there shortly.
      (looks at Johnny)
John go get a blanket.
      (He runs off)
                       OPERATOR (VO)
Just keep her warm until they get
      (She takes a deep
Thank You.
      (Hangs up)
JOHNNY comes back with a blanket.
Here....Mom, do you think...she'll
be alright?


      (covers up JEAN.)
I don't know.
The sirens of the ambulance fill the house. As soon as they
saw the lights JOHNNY opened the door. Two men with a
stretcher followed JOHNNY to the living room, put JAYNE on
it and rolled her. MARGRET and JOHNNY followed the ambulance
to the hospital.
10 years later. JAYNE wakes up covered with sweat and curled
up into a ball in the middle of the living room. She's
shivering and she has goosebumps. She lies there with silent
tears dripping from her eyes.
18 year old JOHNNY comes down stairs. JOHNNY is tall, dark,
has brown hair and eyes. He is wearing a wife beater and
pajama pants.
      (yawning and
       rubbing his eyes)
Whacha doin' on the floor?
      (he gets to the
       bottom of the
Get up, help me make breakfast.
She doesn't move.
      (walks to where
       JAYNE is)
      (pushes her a
       little with his
did you hear me? Get up. Do you
understand eng-
      (He notices her
Are you ok?
      (He bends down to
       her and sees her
Hey come on lets go upstairs.
JOHNNY picks up JAYNE and carries her up stairs to her room.


JAYNE wakes up with a jolt. Her head is in her hands, she
looks over a her alarm clock: 7:29. She sighs and falls back
into her pillow.
      (alarm goes off,
       she closes her
Someone knocks on JAYNE's door. It opens, JOHNNY comes in.
      (JAYNE doesn't
       budge. JOHNNY
       shakes her)
Hey,get up. Get up.
      (she sturs a
      (She sturs a
       little annoyed
       and dragging)
      (Cheery with a
       smile on his
Well good morning to you too.
Go away.
Nope,get up.
      (she doesn't budge)
JOHNNY pulls off JAYNE's covers, picks her up, and throws
her over his sholder.
      (hanging and
       punching JOHNNY
       in the back some)
Hey, hey put me down. Johnny stop
it. MOM! MOM! Can i get a little


                       JAYNE (cont'd)
help please?
JOHNNY carries JAYNE out of her room, down the stairs to the
kitchen and sits her on the kitchen island. JAYNE punches
him on the sholder. MARGRET enters with a birthday cake
singing "Happy Birthday" JOHNNY joins. MARGRET takes cake to
the island and sits it next to JAYNE.
Oh, wow.
      (sticks finger in
       cake and licks it)
Mmm, nice choice Ma.
Well I'm glad you aprove,
      (gives JAYNE a hug)
happy birthday.
      (mimiking JAYNE's
Oh, thank you Johnny. Your the
best brother in the world. I loved
the sparklers. That must have been
your idea. Thank you very much for
existing. Oh I just love you
      (He gives his self
       a hug then
       changes back in
       his voice)
It was nothing. I'm so happy that
I was born.
I love you brother.
      (gives him a kiss
       on the cheek)
You are the best brother
JAYNE jumps off of the island and runs to the living room.
JOHNNY chases her. MARGRET just shakes her head.


JOHNNY and JAYNE are play fighting. JAYNE's head is turned
and she's slapping air. JOHNNY picks JAYNE up, throws her on
the couch, and sits on her.
      (Out of breath.)
Ok, ok I give
      (JAYNE looks up at
       the clock 8:37)
Oh, shit we're gonna be late for
      (raises an eyebrow)
Language, language.
Oh, whatever. Just get dressed.
JAYNE jumps up and runs up the stairs. JOHNNY picks up the
remote and turns on the tv. He flips through the channels
and stops. He props his feet on the coffee table.
Oooo Macgyver.
JEAN's looking down at her bed. There are clothes layed out
on it. She looks at the clock, 8:45.
You know what I don't care.
JAYNE walks to her dresser grabbs a pair of shorts and a
T-shirt, puts them on, runs a brush through her hair, throws
on a pair of shoes, grabbs her jacket, and runs out of her
room. She gets down stairs and JOHNNY's watching TV. He
hadn't changed.
I'm not gonna say a word. Just
grab your keys and lets go.
JOHNNY looks up at her from the couch.


JAYNE and JOHNNY are in his car. JOHNNY's gripping the
steering wheel so hard his knuckels are white. He stops at a
red light.
      (looks at steering
      (shrugs his
I didn't say anything?
      (looks at him)
      (shakes his head)
      (shakes her head
       and looks out
Just tell me.
      (look striaght
I'm good.
Pause. Light turns green.
Are you sure you're ok?
Johnny, I'm fine...will you stop
lookin' at me like that?
Sorry....are you sure?


Johnny you're pissing me off, and
I don't want to damage your little
virgin ears with my not so very
nice terminology. So shut your
face please.
Yes, ma'am...jeez sounds like
someone forgot their birth
JAYNE punches him, the car swerves a little.
      (He's breathing
       hard and has a
       crazed look in
       his face like WTF)
YOU. I think I peed.
JAYNE cracks up.
Dude, I think you did.
Still laughing JAYNE steps out of JOHNNY's car. Her laughing
dies down and she looks up at the sky, its dark. JOHNNY
steps out of the car and checks his self out. He's dry.
      (Still looking
      (Looks up at
       JAYNE,sees what
       she's doing and
       looks at the sky)
Looks like rain.
      (Slowly turns her
       head to him,
Do you really want me to respond
to that?


      (Grabs her bag and
       walks towards the
Oh my God, my brother's an idiot.
      (She sees her
       friend MATT. She
       stops and turns
       around, with sad
       look on her face)
I'm sorry.
      (shakes head)
      (Says to him self)
I think I secretly hate her.
Three girls are walking by looking at JOHNNY like he's
crazy. He tries to play it off my getting his phone out of
his pocket and pretending like it on speaker.
JAYNE and MATT are standing in front of her locker. MATT is
about 6ft, a little rough looking wearing a white T-shirt
and jeans, he has short hair, and green eyes.
Happy birthday.
You ok, you don't look too good.
I'm fine.
Matt, please, would you get off my
back for like two and a half
seconds. I'm fine ok, leave it


I'm sorry I was just worried.
Thanks anyway.
Hey I thought it was my birthday,
where are my goodies?
Oh, here.
      (Pulls jewelry box
       out of his pocket)
I got this made for you.
JAYNE opens the box. Inside there is a silver band like
bracelet about a fourth of an inch wide. "Happy Birthday
Jayne" was ingraved on the inside of the bracelet.
      (punches mim on
       the shoulder)
Oh my God. No.
      (Shakes her head
       and tried to give
       bracelte back)
I can't.
      (Pushes it back)
Nope, I got it for you. Happy
      (Jumps into a hug)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
      (MATT puts her
       down and she puts
       it on)
I love it.
      (She smiles and
       punches him
       again. She gives
       him another hug
       and kisses him on
       the cheek the n
       lets go)


Man, if I knew that was all I had
to do for a kiss I would have done
it sooner.
      (He laughs)
      (Closes her locker)
Ha ha, you think your cute don't
      (Cocks a brow)
      (Smiles coyly)
I know I am.
MATT leans in for a kiss and PA system comes on all of a
sudden. MATT goes for it. JAYNE stops when she hears LEO's
                       LEO (VO)
Good morning students of Clemente
High. My name is Leo and I will be
taking over today.
NO one is paying attention to the PA other than JAYNE.
I'm sorry I should't have done
Shut up.
Shots are fired. People freakout and try to scatter LEO's
gunmen all dressed in black with masks covering their faces
are at the end of each hall with guns. Matt grabs JAYNE's
hand and runs. Prople run into class rooms. They can't leave
the school because of LEO's men. They shoot up at the
ceiling again. Plaster flys every where, people scream. MATT
and JAYNE are almost in a class room when a chunck of
ceiling falls and hits JAYNE on the head. She's out
instantly. MATT picks her up and runs into closest room.


MATT has JAYNE laying on the floor in front of a huge book
shelf in the dark area of the library, resting her head on
his legs. The sound of rain slowly arives.
Matt, Matt?
Shh, you're ok.
Mommy, mommy get up.
Shh, you're ok. Your mom's ok.
Daddy, Matt why won't she get up?
      (pulls JAYNE on to
       his lap and rocks
      (Opens eyes)
She died, they both did.
Oh man.
      (grons, touches
       head, and winces)
Nice to see you're finally up.
How's your head feel?
Like it got kicked in.
      (looks around)
How'd I get here?
I carried you.


How long I been out?
Not long, maybe thirty forty-five
minutes, but you really were out
of it.
What dou you mean?
You kept moaning about your mom.
You said that she was dead. I
tried to tell you that she was
fine, but you wouldd't listen.
what's the last thing you
I don't know, we were at my locker
and the PA came on then I woke up.
What I miss?
Uh, a lot. These guys with guns
were shootin' up the place and a
chunk of ceiling ended up landing
on your head. I managed to get uo
into the library without them
noticing. We almost got caught.
Two of those guy came in and
started to look around. They were
right around the corner from us
before one guys phone rang.
Whoever he was talkin' to was
How do you know?
He was yellin' so loud he might as
well have been on speaker.
Oh, what was he saying?


I don't know, but those guys left
as soon as they were done talkin.
It's good they didn't find us.
Let's go, we can't stay here.
No, we need to stay here till the
cops come.
No police are coming.
How do you know? They could be
here nagotiating or something?
There not coming. No one is and
the only way we are going to
survive is to either find a group
and stick together or move and I'm
You don't know that. You don't
know who these people are, what
they're capable of.
Yes I do. They murdered my
parents, acdtually that loud guy
on the phone did.
You remember that guy on the PA,
Sure, but-


He took my parents away from me
ten years ago today and even tried
to kidnap me. I guess he found me.
The two guys Matt saw are standing in front of a desk in the
office. The first one is about 6 ft and was almost dressed
like the other gunmen except he didn't wear a mask. His hair
was dark and he had a buzz cut. The other guy was about as
tall, but didn' look anything like LEO's other men. He wore
a black skintight T-shirt that showed off all of his
muscles, a dark baseball cap, dark sunglasses, a pair of
faded blue jeans, and a pair of combat boots. He seemed just
as professional, but you could tell he was on a different
level than the man beside him. On the desk is a file with a
gun on it. The principals chair is facing the window all the
men can see is the back of the chair. It turns around to
face them. Leo's in the seat.
Idiot number one come on down.
                       GUY 1
Yes, sir.
I'm sorry I think I'm coming down
with a case of the stupids.
                       GUY 1
I'm a little confused about the
orders I gave you.
                       GUY 1
I'm sorry sir, I don't understand.
I could have sworn I told you not
to fire anything till I say
                       GUY 1
No, no it's fine. Anyone could
have made that mistake.


                       GUY 1
Thank you si-
I didn't hire you to make
Hey you.
                       GUY 2
You think you can follow orders?
                       GUY 2
Good, I think I'm gonna like you.
Now get him out of here before he
starts to stink.
                       GUY 2
      (throws GUY 1 over
       his shoulder and
       exits office)
LEO puts the gun in his holster and picks up the file. He
reads the lable "JAYNE SHEPARD". He opens the file and sees
a smiling picture of JAYNE.
Oh my have you grown.
      (Smiles and scans
Looky what we have here, a
      (closes file)
This is gonna be fun.
MATT catiously walks down the hall walking under door
windows and sometimes hugging walls looking for JAYNE. Just
as he's about to turn the corner he stops. There's a body
laying on the ground. It was one of LEO's men. MATT looks
around a little confused. The farther he walks the more
bodies he sees. He stops again just as he is about to turn
another corner. He heard a grunt. He peaks around the corner
and quickly moves and a body flys past him. With his back
against the wall he sees JAYNE walk towards the fallen man.


The guy is laying face down. JAYNE flips him over with her
foot. She bends down and grabs a switchblade out of his
pocket. She flips the blade out, gives it a once over,
closes it, and sticks it in her pocket. JAYNE stands up
You shouldn't be here.
      (turns around)
What are you doing?
Go back to the library you'll be
safer there.
No, what are you doing, scratch
that, how are you doing all this?
These guys are at least three
times bigger than you.
      (points behind her)
The Y.
I've been taking karate at the Y
for as long as I can remember.
Matt go back to the library.
Fine, whatever, get yourself hurt.
I don't care.
      (walks away)
Jayne, wait.


What about them?
Who cares?
      (MATT shrugs)
JAYNE walks away MATT follows.
LEO's standing in front of the window over looking the
campus. There's a knock at the door, its GUY 2 and he's
dragging a bruised and passed out JOHNNY behind him.
Nice, work. I should give you a
                       GUY 2
You are now Idiot Number One.
Well let me see him.
GUY 2 clears off the desk and lays JOHNNY on it. LEO walks
around the desk looking at JOHNNY. He grabs his face and
looks at it side to side. He lets go and gives him a once
over. JOHNNY grunts.
Find the girl.
                       GUY 2
      (He turns and
       walks out of the
JAYNE peak throught the cafeteria window. Its dark inside
because of the rain clouds. The sound of rain echoes through
the cafeteria.


      (looks at MATT)
None of those guys are in there
but stay quiet I don't know how
many more are left.
      (MATT nods)
Come on.
They walk in quietly. JAYNE takes the lead, MATT follows
cautiously. GUY 2 apprears in the window of the cafeteria
doors in the opposite side ot the room. JAYNE catches sight
of him before he comes in and she ducks behind table and
pulls MATT with her.
What was that for?
      (JAYNE puts finger
       to mouth and
       pionts to other
GUY 2 walks in. He walks around cafeteria searching for
JAYNE. He start to leave, JAYNE and MATT move. GUY 2 is at
the door, there's a bright flash of lightening and a clash
of thunder follows, MATT runs into a trash can and it falls
over. JAYNE pulls MATT down again, GUY 2 turns around.
Stay here-
Jayne, no-
Stay here I'll be back.
JAYNE stands up.
You lookin' for me?
                       GUY 2
JAYNE runs towards GUY 2. Just before she gets to him she
quickly jumps into a roundhouse to the face, but is caught
mid-kick. She struggles to get out of GUY 2's grip but he is
too strong.


Let go.
                       GUY 2
      (struggling to
       keep her still)
Stop moving.
Let...go...you better hope...I
                       GUY 2
Darlin' just be still.
JAYNE stops all of a sudden.
What did you just call me?
MATT comes out of no where with a chair and smashes it in
GUY 2's back. He loses grip of JAYNE, she pulls out the
switchblade, pins him to the gound, and puts it to his
Who are you?
She doesn't let him answer. JAYNE takes off his hat and
glasses. She looks into his face.
David Hunter.
JAYNE pulls the blade away and gets off of DAVID. She helps
him up. MATT is slightly behind her.
Who is he?
My father.
JAYNE and DAVID stare at eachother for a minute. DAVID snaps
out of it.


Sorry, but where gonna have to
catch up later. Leo has your
He has your brother and I'm
supposed to bring you back.
Back, back where?
To Leo-who are you?
Matt, your, uh, daughter's bo-
Friend, he's my friend. Where is
he keeping Johnny?
Some office down the hall.
      (starts to walk to
Come on lets go-
Hold on, wait. I think I have an
JOHNNY is tied up unconscious on the floor. LEO is sitting
in the desk chair with his feet propped up on the desk.
DAVID knocks on door.
Come in.
      (JAYNE over his
I got the girl and I found this
one with her.
      (throws MATT


Good, good.
      (stands up)
Grab brother dearest and follow
What about the other one?
Lock him in.
DAVID grabs JOHNNY and throws him over his other shoulder.
LEO walks out of the office, DAVID follows and locks the
door behind him.
Where are we going?
Oh, just a little place I've been
curious about for awhile.
They get to the library. LEO stops.
      (to DAVID)
You know I have always thought of
a library as a center of truth.
They go inside. They walk through a few isles of bookshelves
until they get to the computers. The computers are in the
center of the library. There are five of them organized in
to a circle, there is lots of space between them and the
book shelves.
Why don't you put them down right
here? I want to show you
DAVID lays them down on the ground and follows LEO to a
computer. LEO turns on the computer.
You remember when there were no
computers and all of the
information you ever need was in
the library.


      (LEO clicks a
       couple times then
       continues typing)
Yeah, everything was reliable.
      (stops typing)
But now, what do they say, oh
yeah, the world is at your finger
Will you take a look at this for
      (Gets up)
DAVID takes LEO's seat. He looks at the screen, its a
newspaper article. Confused he scrolls down, he sees a
picture of a house and next to it a picture of him,
VICTORIA, and young JAYNE. The headline shows up "LEATHAL
BREAK IN" DAVID scrolls down more and reads "WIFE FOUND
How long have you known?
Why do you think I hired you?
LEO backs away from DAVID. DAVID stands up and faces LEO.
One more question.
How do you go from kidnaper slash
murderer to holding a high school
Good work ethic. You done?


      (pulls out his gun)
I've been waiting a long time for
      (pulls out his gun)
Me too.
JAYNE sees men pull out guns, gets up suddenly, pulls out
the switchblade and runs towards LEO. He smiles and points
his gun at JAYNE, she jumps to the side and he fires. It
hits her in the lower right stomach she falls to the ground.
Shoots at LEO while running to JAYNE, LEO runs and hides in
the bookshelves. He picks JAYNE up, runs to JOHNNY and drags
him to the bookshelves. DAVID lays JAYNE down. She leans up.
I'm fine.
      (puts hand on
       JAYNE's wound)
No you're not.
LEO laughs and it echos all over the room. JAYNE looks
around, DAVID ignores it. JAYNE lays back down. She's
bleeding heavily.
Where were you?
I heard him, he said they never
found you. How did you get away?
He missed.


He was aiming for my head when he
shot, I moved his arm and he just
grazed me. When I came to you were
gone and your mother...
LEO seaks up behind them with his gun pointed at the back of
DAVID's head.
I won't miss this-
A shot is fired. LEO falls to the ground with a bullet hole
in the center of his forehead. DAVID's gun is in JAYNE's
hand pointed at where LEO's head was when she fired. Her
hand drops and her eyes close.
JAYNE opens her eyes. All she can see is a bright whit
light, it blinds her for a second. She blinks, everything
looks fuzzy. Her eyes starts to adjust to the light and she
sees a window with the blinds wide open. She binks somemore.
She notices she can't hear anything clearly, but she's not
worried. She slowly turns her head, she starts to feel
something in her mouth making it difficult to hurn her head,
but she manages to. She sees machines and lights and a
figure sitting in a chair. Sound starts to make their way
back into the world. She hears a soft beep beep beep and
looks around until she sees the heart monitor. She relizes
where she is and slowly starts to freak. Her heart rate
speeds up. She notices that she is not controlling her
breathing. She sees a tube coming out of her throat. Her
heart rate speeds up more. She sits up and tries to pull it
out. The beeping from the moniter is faster and louder. She
starts to choke as she pulls the tube out. She pulls it our,
choking and gasping for air. She feels a pain near her
stomach and falls back. Just before she hits the bed the
figure catches her. She looks at it and sees her father,
DAVID. A wave of pain surges through JAYNE's body, it tenses
up, and her eyes start to water. She can't breath. Another
stronger wave goes through her. Her mouth opens to scream
but no sound comes out. DAVID picks JAYNE up into his arms
and sits on her bed and calmly rocks her.
ok...shhh...I'm right here Jayne,
I'm right here....shh
JAYNE starts to calm down. Her heart rate slowly regulates,
she begins to breath on her own, but her tears still come.


      (She smiles and
       falls asleep.)


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From Sven Date 10/3/2008 ***1/2
I will have to agree with Kevin. Don't worry, I myself am still a learner, but some of your paragraphs are a bit too long. Make them 7 at the most. If you cannot shorten them, breaking them into paragraph after paragraph may help (I don't know if that is allowed, however). Also, I don't actually know why some of your dialogue is written in past tense. It is always meant to be present. That is all I will say as Kevin has said the rest. Good story, though. With good dialogue too. It might make a good film if it was twice as long as this.

From Kevin Mitchell Date 10/1/2008 ***
I wouldn't have normally given a 3 when there are so many structural problems but some of your dialogue was witty and clever. The concept was solid but it was the structure and formatting that really hurt the story and that last paragraph on page. 34? Come on girl... You wouldn't find a paragraph like that in a Steven King NOVEL, never mind a screenplay. 4 lines Max is a general rule of thumb. I stopped counting after 15 lines. Read up on Formatting and either extend it or cut it down because right now it's too short for a feature and too long for a short.

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