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The Marvellous Marriage (1/2)
by Holy Water

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **
James P. Downing is getting increasingly depressed, alone and desperate as his twenty brides are murdered one by one as they hit the altar. Until he meets Mary Schmaltz, who seems charming, beautiful, and sweet. Can James and Mary survive the engagment process? Is James conservative father Sir Downing who seems obessed with keeping the family bloodline pure responsible for the murders? Why don't you read the script and find out the answers for yourself.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



James sits on park bench;
unshaven, badly dressed and tears
stained. People keep passing by,
some of them stop to listen, but
they all end up going away. When
he suggests something one of them
may have been through, they may
nod, or give a sign of empathy.

J: Hey, How many of you have ever
been married? More then once?
Twice? Three times? Wow that is a
lot of you. More then twenty? I'm
the only one. How many of you went
through post-traumatic stress
syndrome during and after each
marriage process? Ya I thought so.
Hi I'm James Downing, I'm 23, and
I got married last week for the
twenty-first time. Ya, I looked a
bit different when I started, It's
just the stress of choosing the
right clothes, colors, shapes,
sizes, rights, wrongs, etc. that
got me all stressed. My brides are
always supportive enough. It was
my parents that weren't, who
else's parents bring a divorce
attorney into the marriage
                        (During wedding)
Each "Take" or wedding service,
takes place in the same church
with the Vicar standing and
blessing the marriage. The Bingo
Table is at the back of the

Take 1
V: And do you Veronica take thee
James to be your husband?



Ver: I do.

(Man in mask runs in and slices
Veroncias head off)

Take 2
V: And do you Maria take thee
James to be your husband?

Mar: I do.

(Out of nowhere the bride gets

Take 3

V: Does anyone have any

Cindys father: I do! The parents
are just horrible people. They
deserve to get shot. They broke
the law and- (He gets a knife in
his chest) (Cindy runs out)

(Squeal and scream)

M1: Does anyone own a 1971 Subaru
lisence plate DFRTHF?
(man raises hand)
Who bet Jose's car? (Man raises
hand) You win $1,000,000 nicely
played old chap, now let's bet on
how soon James gets a new fiancé,
does anyone say one week? (Woman
raises hand) Oh, Mrs. Sidcup,
being adventurous are we? Anyone
bet two weeks?

Take 5
V: And do you Old Wench take thee
James to be your husband?

(In background a bingo game takes

old lady: I d- (She has a heart
attack and dies)

V: Do you old crones sister take
thee James to be your wife?
(She nods)


Then you may kiss the bride.

(Camera zooms in on her puckered
up lips)

(She goes to kiss James and then
has a heart attack)

M1: Did anyone bet they'd both
have a heart attack?
Anyone for heart attack?

Take 6
V: Marriage 20 do you Oliva take
James to be your husband?

O: I Do.

V: Then I now pronounce you man
and wife.

(everyone claps.)

(After service)

ED: A toast to the one bride that
isn't dead!

O: What do you mean dead?

ED: Nothing. Just that the last 19
died in mysterious and slightly
comical circumstances.

O: I don't feel to well. (She

Dad: somebody call 911!

MD: How embarrassing!

Doctor: she's dead.

(Ominous music)
                        (Bobby and Jmes sit in Bar)
      (Somberly and
J: Bobby, how could this happen?
Twenty brides in a month. I'm


running out of live women.

B: I believe I can be of some
assistance there.
I have an address book that is
full of…

J: I don't want anybody over 80.

B: Damn.

J: Now buddy, If you don't mind, I
would rather drink alone and mope.

B: Sure thing ol' pal, I
understand I feel this way anytime
one of my fiancés has a stroke,
which occurs about once a week.
But you get over it there's always
more old hags out there.

J: Your not making this any

B: I'll be off then.

J: Nobody understands what I'm
going through and hello… (sees
Mary) What ho! I'm James Downing

M: I'm Mary Schmaltz.

J: Enchanted.
Do you come here often?

M: Oh no. I'm waiting for someone.

J: Oh like a boyfriend?

M: No, like a business partner. I
just broke up with my boyfriend.

J: Is that the guy with who's Jeep
just got blown up?

M: Yep.
The minute he died, I said to
myself this relationship is not
going to get anywhere, and I
called it off.

GS: Mary, Dahling! Come on! The
meetings started!



M: James, this is my father.

GS: Goy Schmaltz! At your service!

J: How do you do.

GS: Ve-ry Well.

MS: Ba-by!

GS: Marie! This is James, he could
be the father of your

MS: Oh really!

M: Dad, you're embarrassing him.

J: Quite alright. Here's my
number. Call me.

M: I will.
                        (First Date)
      (In fancier Bar)
(First date)

James and Mary sit in a resturant.
They are wearing fancyish dress.
M: Anyway that is when I met Joe,
my ex-

J: The one who got blown up?

M: Nah, the one who left me for
the hooker.

J: Ah-

M: Then I met George, and he
turned out to be a drug dealer.

J: Well you know-

M: Then I met Ken, who turned out
to be an skitzo.

J: Yes-



M: Enough about me, what are your
relationships like?

J: I've broken my share of hearts.

M: How romantic.

J: Not after you see them flopping
around on the floor, quite
nauseating that's what that is.

M: What do you mean?

J: I men I don't like watching
organs bouncing around on their

M: Bouncing around?

J: Someone keeps knocking off my
fiancés, and it's getting me right
ticked off.

M: Knocking off?

J: I'll put it to you this way,
you know that new cemetery that
was just erected?

M: The one on Elm Street?

J: That's the one.

M: What about it?

J: The only reason they built a
new one is that all my fiancés
wouldn't fit in the old one.

M: They died?

J: Each one was tragically

M: Oh No! (She starts crying)

J: I'm guessing this wouldn't be a
good time to ask you to marry me?

(Mary keeps sobbing)

No, I guess not. Waiter? Check
      (In the Schamltzes
( Brooklyn Apartment, leaking
pipes disgusting mess, Goy
Schmaltz stands over the toilet,
in a bathrobe)

GS: Oy Vey! Dahling would you look
at dis?

MS: What is it Goy?

GS: The Toilet is Clogged again,
what does a guy gotta do to go to
the bathroom, without reaching in
there first!

MS: I always give it a nice hard

GS: It's the kids didn't anyone
teach them to use the plunger?

MS: Leave them alone, dahling it's
not there fault

GS: The Toilet is Clogged again,
what does a guy gotta do to go to
the bathroom, without reaching in
there first!

MS: The way your Prostrate is
going out you have to anyway

GS: Oy your right

(In Room)

J: Good morning darling!

M: Good Morning

J: Come Let's get dressed.

(Goy yelling indistinctly in

M: Okay.



(At Breakfast)

J: Honey, I have a question to ask

M: Yes?

J: Will You-

(Goy comes in)

G: Okay which one of you doesn't
know how to plunge?
I get in to brush my teeth, and
piss, and the bathroom is covered
in sh-

J: Goy? Can we discuss this later?
I'm about to have a very important

(Goy is momentarily silent)

J: Thank you,
Mary will you-
(After a second conversation
starts up again)
G: Marie you call this soup?

M: I didn't make it! It's canned!

G: It Sucks!

M: Would you watch your language
around the dog?

G: I taught the dog all 7 major
swearwords, all 14 mild
and 6 hand gestures, isn't that
right ya mutty little bastard?
(Dog Looks up and says in a
British accent)

Dog: Screw you, you simple-minded

G: Isn't it Cute?

M: Adorable.

J: I'm Leaving



G: Don't come back til you learn
to Plunge!

J: Mary, come on.
(In Park)

J: Mary I just wanted you know if
you'd want to-

M: Yes?

J: Want to..

M: Yes?

J: Marry me!

M: Of Course! Just could you put
my grave in the north-east corner?
J: What ever you'd like.
(Park Bench)
J: My Stag Party wasn't exactly a
success. At first I thought it was
my subconscious fear of cheating
on Mary. I was certain that was
it, but on reflection I think it
was the Party itself (Back In

James and Bobby stand on a shady
street surrounded by strip joints.
They are standing in front of
"Hooligans" a small church stands
to the right.

J: Bobby, You know I'm not fond of
surprises, it all goes back to the
time my mother and father told me
they were going to give me the
best birthday cake ever, and I was
the happiest boy alive, but the


cake turned out to have green
frosting, which I was allergic to.
And then my cat, jumped off the
wardrobe and into the cake, and
caught on fire, then it flicked
the cake, which landed in my fish
tank and-, well my parents were
eating fried fish for a week after

B: Man, the way you talk about
your parents, I'd think they were
criminals… Oh Here we are!

(In Front of Hooligans Strip Club,
A very Erotic looking club)

J: I've always imagined my Stag
Club to be something like this,
And Yet, I have mixed feelings
about finally (Walking towards
doors) experiencing the- (Bobby
stops him)

B: Where are you going? The Party
is this way.
(Leads him to the house next door,
the sign reads "Womens United
Methodist Glee Club")
(Inside are a bunch of old ladies,
in long plain conservative blue
dresses, with short prim cut hair
and nerdy thick glasses Etc.)

W1: Hello sport, and welcome to
the club. I just made fresh

B: Be a Sport, Mary never needs to
know we were here.

J: (Whispers to Bobby) I don't
think Methodists and Pastry's mix
(Music turns on)

B: Ask one of them to dance, be a

W2: Come on, Let us get

W3: No, Good friend, these two
young agile males, are gods way of


vetting us, we must not lower to

W4: Come on let us remove our
garments, and dance for them.

W5: (To Woman 3) The Lord has
blessed us with these two male
courtiers! Let us not give up this

W6: (To the guys) Gimme Some
(All the meth. Stand around
pinching their cheeks and as the
scene fades James looks longingly
at the strip club)

J: and it continued like that
(Pauses) for six hours.
James and Mary are seated in the
J: It was, More wild then your
bachelorette party, for sure.

M: I Don't think so.

J: I Think So, I bet yours didn't
have a bunch of topless pole
dancing strippers who seemed to
have an affinity for you

M: I bet yours didn't involve six
guys, two girls, drugs and a hot

J: Oh? Well yours didn't involve
16 pounds cocaine, sixteen bras,
and 500 dollars worth of heavy

M: Oh Well Yours didn't
temporarily involve twelve pairs
of very tight jeans.

J: It Didn't…. You didn't

M: Would you like to view the


Video? It's on Youtube, Myspace
and Facebook and the Photos are on

J: Damn.
J: My Parents, Were some of the
first guests there, in fact they
came two months before the
ceremony was to take place, Sir
Elliot P. Downing, was my father
knighted for his commitment to
traditional values on Parliament,
then retired with 75,000,000
pounds in his bank account due to
numerous endorsements and favors
by Union groups. My mother was an
ex fashion designer and always had
to wear the most elegant clothes
that stores could provide, and my
"baby" sister was a princess.
They're Valet Gudio was a bit
messed up.
(Knock on door)
(Elliot his wife and daughter
stand on the doorstep, during the
line "Being Early is a Virtue"
they come into the house in order
of father mother daughter perhaps
pushing James aside)
ED: Hello Son.

J: Dad, you aren't supposed to be
here for another two months.

ED: Being Early is a Virtue you've
yet to learn, that's why I'm a
member of the parliament of
England and your living in an
apartment in a country I've never
even heard of. Guido take our bags

GUI: (Mocks him behind his back
rolls his eyes and takes bags

BD: (coming in) Where am I going


to sleep?

ED: Relax, Princess, I'm sure your
brother bought you your own room.

J: Not exactly her own, she sort
of shares it with someone else.

ED: Your going to have to evict
them, Bella needs her beauty

MD: When are your fiancé and her
parents coming?

J: They actually kind of uh- live

ED: Good I'd like to Meet them

J: I'm not that sure about that.

ED: From what I've heard, they
seem almost decent.
Before I willingly hand them my
son, I would like to get to know
them. Don't worry I won't bite.

GS: (Comes in, in a dirty t-shirt
and jeans, in contrast to Sir
Downing's suit humming annoying
song) Oh hello, who's this?

ED: Ye Gads! What is this strange
man doing in your house!
Sir, I must ask you to vacate the
premises. This is the house of my
son and his fiancé. And her
respectable good parents.
James? Do you know this hideous

GS: Hey Stiff, watch who ya call

ED: Out! OUT! I say.

(Mrs. Downing thrusts her coats
into Marys hands, they are so
heavy she falls over)

MD: You have a weak maid.



J: Ha, Mother always been a joker,
No, Actually this is my fiancé.

ED: Your marrying your maid? What
kind of blasted country is this.

J: And father, this is Mr.

GS: Oy! You coulda just greeted me
by saying "Hello"
Goy Schmaltz at your service.

ED: Is this a joke?
I need to lie down.

MD: So, where are we going to

ED: When are we going to sleep.

MD: How are we going to sleep?

GS: Right this way. (pointing
towards bedroom)
(in Room)
MD: This is all wrong, a couple
can't sleep together, a couple
needs space, it needs separate
rooms. Boys in one room, girls in


MD: Don't use that foul language
around me.

GS: Oy Vey.

MD: Stop swearing, Guttermouth,
god his mouth is as dirty as his
shirt. Now Perv, go away and let
us have our beauty sleep.

ED: Dear, let me handle this,
you're being rather hostile.

MD: Nicely said.
(Goy Leaves)
ED: See you have to deal with
these people firmly.



MD: I love it when you talk dirty,
come on let's play a round of
bridge and drink some tea.

ED: You really know how to get me
                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (Next Morning)
Next Morning, Elliot and Lady
Downing are sleeping in their
room, quietly when the sound of
bad piano playing hits our ears,
they wake up irate.
      (Next Morning)
Next Morning, Elliot and Lady
Downing are sleeping in their
room, quietly when the sound of
bad piano playing hits our ears,
they wake up irate.

ED: Blast it in the ass, not this

MD: Dear, come here.

ED: What is it, Love?

MD: I brought your fox-hunting

ED: (Grabs Rifle) Splended,
follow me.

ED puts on a ski mask a black
sweater over his suit and yellow
gardening gloves. They sneak like
ninjas to the back of the sofa,
behind the piano, on the line ED
comes out

ED: All right lady, Game's up.
Stop playing that piano, or I'll
blast your head the dickens off.

MS: Goy! Goy! Come here it's a

GS: What is it my dea- Oy! A
terrorist! Mary, get my spray.


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)

(Mary leaves and comes back with
pepper spray)

GS: You have ten seconds to take
off that stupid mask, or I spray
you in the eye.

ED: Not on your life.

GS: 1...2...10!

Goy sprays him in the eyes, and
Elliot falls down blinded they
take turns kicking ED, he screams

(MD comes out from behind the

MD: Oh Marie, You got the
terrorist, I was so worried, I
mean he came into our room, He
threatened Elliot and I, we were
so frightened but you got him.

GS: Let's find out who he is.
MD: No, Goy don't even touch him,
you don't know if he's diseased.
I'll keep guard over him while you
call the police.

(Goy leaves, MD quickly takes off
ED's mask and fixes his suit,
then she hides the mask in the
piano. Then Elliot runs away,
while MD feigns injury)

Police man, wears a tight police
jacket and eyeline and has a small

Police: Hello, I'm Officer
Gayeman, and I'll be your
policeperson today. Is this where
you saw the terrorist?

MS: He was standing right, Oh my

(P and MD share a quick suspicious


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)

P: Lady, could you tell us what

MD: (Crying) Certainly, the
terrorist got up holding a
grenade, and threatened to blow us
both up unless I show him to the
I didn't have the strength to
resist. I showed him the door.

P: Do you have any clues to his

MD: No, none at all. Only that he
was wearing yellow gardening

P:. Hm, Well I guess I better
check the floor for evidence, Holy
Crap! This is the ugliest floor
I've ever seen, and I've seen
every homeless shelter in
Brooklyn, and what is this? Pink
tiles and grey wall paper do not
go together, little missy! Didn't
you ever take an interior design
class before decorating your
house? I might have to arrest you
for vandalism, and inflicting an
eye injury to an officer of the
law, not to mention eye pollution.
Madame can I see your deed to the
domicile? (Grudgingly) This is in
order, I guess. Madame (To Mrs.
Schmaltz) At this time, we can't
do anything, we'll get back to
you. I doubt a terrorist would
attack your house, I mean you
don't have any worth anything, it
was more likely a common thief who
doesn't know the value of all this
Did he take anything?

MD: No, Not that I could see.

P: Then he had better taste then
you. You couldn't get five bucks
for anything in this house. If we
find any more we'll call you. We
have bigger fish to fry then a


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)
simple trespasser in an ugly
house. Call us if he returns.
(Turns to walk away) Oh, and in
case, as I assume your to cheap to
buy better wall paper… Here's 20
bucks, don't spend it on drink.
Such bad taste in design! Come
along poochy.
      (Five Minutes
ED: How did it go?

MD: It was a close one. Luckily
they got Charlie, the guy who used
to be my assistant on the case.

ED: What a relief.

MD: You can say that again.
If you keep getting the police
called, they're going to start
getting suspicious, you have a
record, and don't forget what
happened just yesterday at the

ED: (Crawling on the bed) But I
like being naughty.

MD: I can't keep covering for you.

ED: I've been a bad boy, I need a

MD: Come here, you sexy devil

ED: That's what I'm talking about.

(Md slaps him, and he falls off
the bed clutching his face)
ED: You know, out of the few
things Americans have provided us


with, their biggest legacy will
probably be the cheeseburger.

MD: That and global warming.

GS: (Mocking British accent) And
Pray Tell, what will the British
legacy be? Fish and Chips?

MS: Stiff suits?

GS: The continued presence of a
queen, even at a time when
monarchy is considered gauche and
all she really is a transparent

ED: No, our biggest legacy will be
the wonderful games of cricket
tennis and fencing, if the
Americans don't take it first. (ED
and MD laugh)

GS: Something equal can be said
for cheeseburgers, there are
Mickey D's in England.

ED: America's true legacy is

.GS: Trust me, the only real
legacy your friends will leave
behind is your accent.

ED: And the only thing you will
leave behind is your gelatin.

GS: Come on, Brit we beat you in
1776, and we'll do it again.

ED: Any contest you name.

GS: How about pie eating.

ED: What type of pie?

GS: American Apple.


An 1: Hello and welcome to ESPN:
International pie eating contest
between Goy Schmaltz of the USA
and Sir Elliot Downing of Great

2: And a very tense evening it is
Joe, because Prime Minister Gordon
Brown has threatened to declare
war on the USA if Sir Downing
loses, saying "If my boy can't
kick your boy's ass in pie eating,
then we'll have to kick your ass
with nukes."

1: The President is saying that
it is "Anti-patriotic to vote for
Britain and says if Prime Minister
Brown doesn't shut his ass, then
he will stop sending him Christmas
presents and not invite him to his
next birthday party."

2: Ooh, tough threat, the crowd
is going wild and YES I think the
two pie eaters are ready to start.
(in the end like 30 pies are
ingested by each contestant, and
the container thrown against the
wall, Goy begins to loosen his

1: Do you see the velocity in
which Schmaltz devours the pies,
and it is the quarter-time break,
the two are tied in pie eating
this looks like it will be hard to
call and the ref is currently
holding a gun to his head, and
ready aim (Gunshot) Oh and the Ref
is down!
Bulls eye! Jim do you have a
favorite for tonight?

2: Well, Joe, I usually don't
take sides, but because of the
urgency of tonight, I have a
message for one of the teams:
Thank you.
(Some back-and-forth between the
two guys, after a couple minutes
Goy rips off his jacket and throws


it in the corner)

1: Just look at that seamless
jacket throw.

2: Goy is smoother then I
(Goy begins to undo his belt)

1: And look at the precision in
which he throws off that belt.

2: Truly timeless. That is just
such good game

(Goy Begins to take off his pants)

ED: No No! God! I give I give!
I'll not only surrender to you but
I'll pay for the entire marriage
just don't take them off.

1: We have a winner! Any words for

USA USA Forever!
      (In Church)
M1: Vicar, Phone call-

(Vicar is dancing on a table
surrounded by six girls chugging
beer, the ground is littered with
bottles )

M1: Oh my god.

V: Don't be so gauche, everybody's
doing it.

M1: I'm not being gauche. What is
this anyway, some kind of pagan

V: No-, it's the AA meeting.

M1: Your giving alcohol to AA



V: Sure, why not? They deserve to
drink too.

M1: Vicar are you drunk?

V: Drunk? Naw, what would give you
that impression?
(He stumbles around and crashes on
the ground)
Now, what is it?

M1: You had a phone call.

V: Tell them I'm not here.

M1: I'll come back later.

(later while Vicar is in tub)

M1: Vicar, they're on the- (sees
I'll come back later.

V: (to self) what was that all

(In church)

V: And god said to Mary-

(M1 comes in late)

M1: Vicar! Vicar!

V: Harris I'll talk later, please
sit down.
- Mary you shall conceive a child,

M1: Vicar, I really hate to

V: Mr. Gillman, please I am in the
middle of a sermon, I have an
audience, I really can't talk
right now, tell them to call back.

M1: Many apologies Father.

V: Tell the caller, I apologize,
but I will have to call them back



M1: They say it's urgent.

V: Can you ask the subject of the

M1: It's about a marriage.

V: Then it can't be too urgent, I
will have to call them later.

M1: The caller is pretty

V: Who is it?

M1: Sir Elliot Downing.

V: You weren't exaggerating
Well, I guess I have to take the
George can you pick up the sermon?

M2: Will Do.
And God said his name shall be
Jesus Christ and he will-

(In hall)

V: Harris? Isn't their daughter a
little young to marry?

M1: It's their son.

V: The Disappointment

M1: Yes.

V: Does Sir Downing approve of the

M1: I seriously doubt it.

V: Then I fear the nature of this
call is a little sinister.

M1: Yes, he mentioned that old bag
you keep in the communion shelf.

V: As I feared.

M1: Can you tell me the contents
of this bag?



V: I'm sorry, I can't at this

M1: Okay. He also mentioned that
you are a close family friend.

V: Closer then I thought. Harris
can you go wake the bishop and
tell him I may have to go to
America soon, and ask if he can
take over for me, if I must leave

M1: Of course, is there anything
else you require?

V: No Harris that will be all.

(Harris leaves)

V: Sir downing, I'm sorry to keep
you waiting three times, this is
the Vicar.

ED: Hello, good Vicar

V: I hear this is about your sons

ED: Yes.

V: Again? What is this the 19th

ED: Twenty-first.

V: I take it you don't like this
one either.

ED: What do you mean "either"

V: You haven't cared for any of

ED: I have too, I like Cindy six
years back.

V: Cindy? You slit her father's

ED: I liked Cindy, I just didn't
like her father.



V: Anyway you don't like this one.

ED: Yes I don't.
Before you mouth off like this
remember I got you off fifteen
years ago. Murder First Degree,
all the evidence pointed towards
you, and because I got you off,
you weren't charged.

V: Yes Yes, What is it you need.

ED: I need you and that bag.

V: Fine.

ED: Good, come down. I'll send you
our address.

V: Will I be required to perform a
marriage? Or shall I just stand

ED: I doubt you will have to
perform a marriage, but bring the
marital supplies anyhow.

V: When?

ED: On March the 23rd.

V: I look forward to seeing you
M: You wanted to see me Lady
MD: Yes, I have an issue to
discuss with you.

MD: It's about the dress.

M: I Know my parents lack a sense
of style but you can't hold it

MD: The wedding dress, Stupid



M: Oh, yes.

MD: What were you thinking for the

M: I was thinking classic white.

MD: White? Nobody's worn white
since Jesus, no-one fashionable

M: What were you thinking?

MD: Bright Colors, You should have
seen my wedding dress, bright
green, stylish, trim, fashionable,
and modest it was beautiful.
Of course you'd be too fat to fit
in it.

M: I'm sorry,I don't see myself as

MD: Of course. Bella! Can you
come in here?

BD: What?

MD: What color would go best on

BD: None, she's too ugly to wear

MD: Makeup can fix that or at
least partially enhance that.
BD: Can't she just use one of our
dish rags?

MD: Tragic, she's too fat to fit
in our rags.

BD: I'd recommend a skirt, but I
wouldn't want to see her fat legs.

MD: Agreed. Can you take her

BD: What an awful waste of time.

MD: I know but someone has to do
I'll give you money to buy


yourself a bridesmaid dress.

BD: (sighs) Fine.

MD: Good, that's settled now get
that thing (points to Mary) out of
my office.

M: This is the family den.

MD: Such insolence. You're lucky
i'm being forced to pay for your
wedding. OUT!
                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (Henri's)
      (Lady Downing on
Henri's is a little french
resturant, at one point we see one
of the cooks, take a small piece
of the corpse and dip it in some
sauce and sneak it onto the plate

J: Henri's Resturante and Funeral
Parlor, may I help you?

MD: Jacques?

J: Mizzus Downing et es so nice to
'ear your voice.

MD: And yours, is Henri there?

C: Henri
Speaking may I 'elp you?

MD: Ah, Henri

C: Mizzus Downing 'ow nice to 'ere
your voice!

MD: Yours too, my son is getting

C: Again? What es this the
ninteenth time?

J: Twenty-third.



                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)
MD: Twenty-first.

C: You'd think he'd learn from all
twenty-one demises not to invite
this parents.

MD: He's never been too bright.

C: Oui, so what shall it be?
Henri's famous Shrimp cater

MD: Henri please go a little
easier on the shrimp, last time
the bride collapsed on the table
in front of everyone. The tabloids
had a field day.

C: Of course.

MD: And I need a quart of
embalming fluid to er- "wash" the

C: Merci, and thank mister Downing
for not closing me down when the
government came to inspect.

MD: Of course.

C: Oui, I will have this done for
you Okay.

MD: good day.
BD: Guido?

G: Yes, Miss Bella.

BD: Saks Fifth Avenue, and step
on it.

G: Right Away. (Whispers) Little

BD: Excuse me?

G: Nothing, I just coughed.



(In Store)

M: Everything looks so…

BD: Glamorous?

M: Yes, and expensive.

BD: Remember don't touch anything,
don't talk to anyone.

M: Why?

BD: And if any one asks, we're not
shopping together.

M: okay but…

BD: And you like escaped from an
asylum or something.

M: Yes, Ma'am.

BD: No Ma'am stuff, I'm either
miss or mizz Bella.
God didn't you ever learn manners?

BD: Which do you like better
Yellow or green?

M: Well, green.

BD: Okay, I'll get yellow.
Oh, nice shoes, Yo Servant guy.

Assit: Yes?

BD: I'd like five pairs of these
Six of these dresses, twelve of
these bra's and sixteen jeans.

Assist: Any thing else?

BD: Forty of these exotic

Assis: And?

BD: Oh! Oh! Forty of these socks.

Assis: And?



BD: Give me a chance to look

Assis: As you wish.

M: Aren't we here to but my
wedding dres-

BD: Shut up, fatty.

M: Okay.

BD: And a few of these diamonds.

Assis: Anything else?
M: I really want to-

BD: Then go. Oh! Forty handbags.

Boy: Do I know you?

BD: (Bella Looks, and says gentily
and flirty) No, but do you want

Boy: Definitely. The names Marty,
Marty Bond.

BD: Bella Ellington-Downing

Boy: Aren't your parents like
British senators or something?

BD: Uh Huh.

Boy: Cool.

BD: Let's go party, I know a great
bar with a great view of the city

Boy: Sure.

BD: my driver is waiting.

M: Uh Miss Bella, Bella?
(Bella leaves)
(Car Pulls away)


MD: Can someone get it?
(Keeps ringing)
For Heavens Sake!
(Rings again)
I'll get it.
(Opens it, Capt. Liberty stands
there with his wife Lady Liberty)

PS: Greetings young lady. I wanted
to know if my son, Goy were here.
I'm Capt. Liberty, here to
continue the great traditions of
American Matrimony!

MD: (to self) Not another one.

CL: Holy Patriots!
Your not American! What is my
grand-daughter getting into here!
Commence operation kill the

LL: Relax Harold, the British are
our allies.

CL: Right, I sometimes forget
that, I mean they still have a

LL: (to MD)He's a little senile,
oh, dear I forgot to introduce
myself Lady Liberty, Miss America

MD: If you two are Liberties, then
why is Mr. Schmaltzes surname

CL: We brought him up in the
Tradition Roman Catholic Sense.
His name was Peter Liberty. He had
money, power and some nice
American Ab's. He became Jewish
and grew fat after he grew older.
Embarassed the whole community.

MD: I can imagine.

CL: You can never imagine the
shock and embarrassment.

MD: My son embarrassed us too, he
moved here from the UK, not to say
this isn't a good country, but I


would rather he became a
partliamentary official like his
good father.

CL: I know how you feel. We wanted
our son to become Miss America
1972, but it never happened.

MD: Right, you understand what I'm
going through.
In a weird way.
BD: Guido?

G: Yes, Miss Bella.

BD: Saks Fifth Avenue, and step
on it.

G: Right Away. (Whispers) Little

BD: Excuse me?

G: Nothing, I just coughed.

(In Store)

M: Everything looks so…

BD: Glamorous?

M: Yes, and expensive.

BD: Remember don't touch anything,
don't talk to anyone.

M: Why?

BD: And if any one asks, we're not
shopping together.

M: okay but…

BD: And you like escaped from an
asylum or something.

M: Yes, Ma'am.

BD: No Ma'am stuff, I'm either
miss or mizz Bella.
God didn't you ever learn manners?



BD: Which do you like better
Yellow or green?

M: Well, green.

BD: Okay, I'll get yellow.
Oh, nice shoes, Yo Servant guy.

Assit: Yes?

BD: I'd like five pairs of these
Six of these dresses, twelve of
these bra's and sixteen jeans.

Assist: Any thing else?

BD: Forty of these exotic

Assis: And?

BD: Oh! Oh! Forty of these socks.

Assis: And?

BD: Give me a chance to look

Assis: As you wish.

M: Aren't we here to but my
wedding dres-

BD: Shut up, fatty.

M: Okay.

BD: And a few of these diamonds.

Assis: Anything else?
M: I really want to-

BD: Then go. Oh! Forty handbags.

Boy: Do I know you?

BD: (Bella Looks, and says gentily
and flirty) No, but do you want

Boy: Definitely. The names Marty,


Marty Bond.

BD: Bella Ellington-Downing

Boy: Aren't your parents like
British senators or something?

BD: Uh Huh.

Boy: Cool.

BD: Let's go party, I know a great
bar with a great view of the city

Boy: Sure.

BD: my driver is waiting.

M: Uh Miss Bella, Bella?
(Bella leaves)
(Car Pulls away)
MD: Bella, pass me the embalming
That's right we'll give the dress
a good wash,

(To Camera)
Oh hello there, have you ever had
a stain on your brand-new brides
gown? Have you ever thought, it
was all over, and tried to call
off the marriage because of a
disgusting stain?
I know I did. But now here at
Clean Co., we have invented a
brand-new cleaner for your gown,
it's called Embalming fluid, just
pour it over your gown, and wash
it briefly, Now with original
corpse scent!
Now you won't have to worry about
your gown. You can wear it
proudly. How it works is that when
you put it on, and start sweating,
you'll suddenly feel a bit faint,
and have to sit down.
Then in about five minutes, those
toxic chemicals will enter your


bloodstream. No more worries! And
you can wear that dress straight
to your funeral!
ED: Are you sure this will work?

MD: Yes.

ED: I just read an interesting
essay on the topic of how hypnosis
affects the mind of the average
man an I have one or two concerns
and I'd like to-

MD: Do shut up.

ED: Yes, I'm sorry.

MD: (Claps) You will now obey my
every command.

(Next Morning)

MD: James, wake up it's time for
the rehearsal brunch!

J: Good Morning mother and father,
Who am I to marry again?

MD: Mary, dear.

J: Yes who am I to marry?

MD: Mary.

J: that's what I'm asking you, who
am I to marry!

MD: Mary!

ED: Third base?

MD: Do shut up!

ED: Right.

MD: This is Dr. Mueller the
divorce lawyer.



Dr: Hello James (To MD) Is he
retarded or something?

MD: Hypnotized.

Dr: Ah. When will it wear off?

MD: Right (Claps) Now!

J: Holy crap! I'm late for my
rehearsal (to Dr. Mueller) I'm
sorry have we met?

Dr: No, Old friend of your parents
Dr. Mueller divorce lawyer, I am
to accompany your mother to the

J: Ok. Well, hello, uh.. that is
to say goodbye.

Dr: Hypnosis?

ED: We will demonstrate at the
brunch come along.
                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (Brunch)
We get a shot of Henri adding
something to one plate of shrimp.
Everyone sits around.
Drinking wine and speaking.
At one point James rings a bell to
      (Rehearsal Brunch)
ED: Now, Doctor, the synapses in
his brain respond to synapses in
my rhythmic clapping. (Claps once)

J: What's this weather like, eh?

ED: You see the one clap is
associated with thunder, hence the

Dr: Simple yet clever.

ED: Watch this, (Two claps)

J: I would like to propose a


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)
(Starts dancing)

Dr: I see. So two claps is
synonymous with dancing?

ED: Exactly.

Dr; May I try?

ED: Of course.

(He claps three times)

J: To Be or not to be that is the

(Dr. claps three times again,
James sits down)

MD: We've yet to work out all the
Three is still taken for applause.

DR: Still Brilliant.

ED: We agree.

J: I would like to propose a toast
to my beautiful bride

ED: (claps and taps foot)

J: I hope this one will stay alive
long enough make it out of the
church tomorrow.

(Everyone says "Hear, Hear")

ED: We helped write his speech.
In the Same church as all the
weddings. Vicar stands at the
Altar, James and Mary begin in the
back, and process.
      (Finally the
Maid: Beggin' your pardon miss,
but the wedding is about to start.


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)

M: Who are you?

Maid: I'm the official maid.

M: Maid?

Maid: Every screenplay about
weddings with British people in it
has an official wedding maid that
says "Beggin' your pardon miss"
before the wedding so the audience
knows it's time to begin.

(Music begins)

GS: Are you ready to go?

M: Yes daddy.

GS: Perfect, honey you look

(In Grooms dressing room Bobby
fixes James up)

B: Perfect. Man, you're doing it!

J: Yes.

ED: Bobby can I speak to you?

B: Sure Sir Downing.

ED: This will take 10 seconds.
You are now under my command…

J: Bobby come on.

B: Coming.

(On the Altar)

(In the audience sits an entire
court, and the guests)

(Bella is bridesmaid, the Bride
and Groom Process normally)

J: You look beautiful.

M: As do you.


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)

J: Thank you.

Baliff: Dearly Beloved please rise
for his honor, Judge Morton.

(Everyone rises)

Judge: Thank you, Baliff.
Vicar you may make your opening

V: Dearly beloved we are gathered
here today.. for the 21st time, to
witness this couple being joined
together in holy matrimony.

Dr: Your honor, I object!

Judge: On what grounds?

Dr: He said holy, you can't
mention religion in a public

Judge: Sustained. Vicar you may
continue, in a multi- religious
way please.

V: Joined together in bi-partisan
and multi-religious matrimony.
Today we have come together to
celebrate and honor this James and
Mary's love and conviction, which
is so strong that they are willing
to give up their single lives and
move in together. A gesture that
is extremely hard, because now
they have to share a bed every
night, and wake up together and
eat together and work together and
sleep together and wake up
together every day until one of
them dies.
We honor you.

Judge: Do you have any opening
remarks Dr. Mueller?

Dr: None at this time.

Judge: then Vicar you may begin
your ceremony.


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)

Dr: At this time the prosecution
would like to present exhibit 716
the rings.

V: May we have the rings?

(Baliff brings up the rings)

Do you Mary, take thee James, to
be your lawfully wedded husband,
to have an to hold from this day
forward, for better for worse, or
richer or for poorer, in sickness
and in health, to love and to
cherish, 'til death do us part,
according to God's-

Dr: Your honor I object! He said

Judge: Sustained, you have sworn
to keep this multi-religious.

V: According to the governments
accordance, and pledge him your

M: I do.

V: Do you?
J: I do.

V: We have no more questions your
Dr. Mueller, your witness.

Judge: Dr. Mueller, Don't bother I
have already deicided my verdict.
I declare this couple Married. And
sentence them to one kiss. Court

Voiceover: Tomorrow on Judge
The Judge attends Mary Schmaltzes
Don't miss, 9/8 central on CBS.

B: I believe that it is my turn to
(Ed claps hard)
I find it amazing that James has –


                       (JAMES LOOKING DEPRESSED ON A PARK BENCH) (cont'd)

ED: Louder!

B: That James has reached wife #1
let alone 21.
He is without a doubt, the ugliest
person I have ever seen,
Lacking in charm, grace, looks and
of course morals.
Yet he is on twenty-one wives, I
have never kissed a girl under 65.
That is why I declare this day
SICKENING! It makes me want to
vomit! Want to purge! The only
real reassurance I get is that
this woman will be dead within the
hour. Thank you.

MD: I invite you to join us for
snacks and cake in the undercroft.

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From Todd Date 7/6/2008 **
Juts so you know the format is completely wrong. But pretty decent overall.

From Lucas Date 7/3/2008 **1/2
It was a good story, but that wasn't a screenplay... so... a.. ya... maybe you should make it into a screenplay, because right now it is super hard to understand the direction and you obiously have never read a screenplay either because the diolaug is not in the proper format and the loctions are all off EXAMPLE: INT. First Date -- NIGHT. THat is not a loction, the proper way to up it would be INT. FANCY BAR -- NIGHT. The bottom line is you need to read alot of screenplays and then rewrite this in the proper format cause the story is very good.

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