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The Mail Room [SHORT]
by Michael (mick139@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Two young men, OLIVER McLLROY and CHARLIE ROBSON, dressed in
light blue, short sleeved shirts and navy trousers, stand
with the hands clasped behind their backs facing a third,
much older man, EDDIE HENRY, who is already in mid-sentence.
Behind the two young men is a collection of Pigeon holes
filled with letters and packages.
…and I don't want any trouble from
you two. You've already proved
that you can fail in life, now is
your chance to prove that you can
Eddie exits the room and the two men began to work.
This is your fault you know.
Figures you'd blame me. It was
your idea to go out and steal all
the "L's" from any "PUBLIC" sign
we could find; it was a waste of
time, time we should have spent
studying. The joke wasn't even
that funny.
You're meant to be the sensible
one. I'm the showman and you're
the guy who's meant to keep my ass
in check. We could be at
University now with co-ed showers
and girls walking to and from
their rooms in wet towels, we
could have had that Charlie, you
let the side down.
The two men continue to work, sorting out the letters and
packages into separate bags, one bag per floor, to be
delivered to the OFFICE WORKERS. They load all bags into a
giant trolley and walk into the lift.


The lift opens and the two men step onto the office floor,
we see that there is only one bag left, this is the top
floor with all the big cheeses. Three women are huddled
around a water cooler gossiping, and five men, one sitting
and four standing, have gathered around a computer ogling a
picture of a naked women, at the end of the floor is an
individual office with THOMAS ORTON VICE-PRESIDENT engraved
on the door.
      (Under his breath)
Wow I can't wait to work with
these guys, they clearly do
important work.
Charlie and Oliver empty the contents of the bag and
separate the mail in half and began to deliver it. Charlie
heads over towards the computer where the five men have
I have mail here for a Mist…
                       OFFICE WORKER 1
Kid, don't interrupt us, can't you
see we're busy.
You're looking at pictures of
naked ladies, how's that busy?
                       OFFICE WORKER 2
Kid, how long have you worked
here? Don't answer that because it
doesn't matter. I've worked here
for the better part of two
decades. When you've done that
then you can tell me and my
friends what constitutes being
busy. You got that.
(Charlie nods)
Good, now get out of my sight.
Charlie leaves sheepishly.
Oliver has delivered all but three of his letters, he looks
down at the addresses on the letters, and all are addressed
to THOMAS ORTON VICE-PRESIDENT. He approaches his office to
find his secretary's desk unattended, he has no choice but
to deliver them to Orton personally. He pauses for a few
seconds before knocking on the down.


      (OFF-CAMERA, W/
Charlie nervously opens the door.
Orton sits at his desk which is covered in mountains of
paperwork. Behind him is a flattering portrait of himself.
He is in his mid forties and has jet black hair. In the
corner of his office is a glass cabinet with several sports
trophies, there are also pictures of him kneeling in an
American Football uniform. On the wall hang shelves on top
of which are several folders over flowing with paper, beside
the folders is a small picture of a woman presumably his
Mr. Orton I have a few letters
Why didn't you leave them with
Janice my secretary?
There was no one at her…
Then you wait for her. Interrupt
my work again and you're fired.
Oliver quickly leaves the room and meets up again with
Charlie who is waiting by the lift. The lift opens and they
step in. The doors close.
Charming bunch people!
I thought so.
We see Charlie and Oliver loading the bags of mail into the


Charlie is standing beside the same five men as in the
previous scene who are again wallowing away their day
staring blankly at naked women.
Across the room Oliver is waiting outside Orton's office and
his secretary is not there again. Oliver waits for a while
and then heads over to the women.
Ah, which one of you is Janice,
Mr. Orton's secretary?
That would be me.
I have his mail, would you give it
to him?
His office is just over there
love, give it to him yourself.
Did that once and he said [puts on
an American accent] "Interrupt my
work again and you're fired." So
I'm not doing it again.
Well you'll have to wait until I'm
done with my break love.
Oliver looks amazed pauses as if to say something but
instead quietly moves back to Janice's desk. Ten minutes
later Janice finally returns to her desk.
I'll take that mail now love.
Only if it's not too much trouble.
Janice gives Oliver a dirty look as he leaves.

Oliver and Charlie head to the lift.


This crap is getting old.
1. We see Oliver waiting patiently beside Janice's desk.
2. Charlie is delivering the mail to the office workers who
are actually in their individual desks. As he moves from
desk to desk we see that each one of the workers are still
not working but are instead staring at naked women on their
own computers. Except for the fifth office worker, he has a
picture of Brad Pitt instead.
3. Oliver is still standing by the desk; he looks over at
the women and then looks at his watch.
4. Charlie is in the kitchen making coffee. He takes a
carton of milk out of the fridge and starts to pour it into
the cups, but instead of white liquid coming out a big solid
lumps falls into the cup. Charlie looks at the "BEST BEFORE
DATE" it reads "SEPTEMBER 1999"
5. Janice begins to move towards her desk, Oliver looks
relieved but then she heads back towards the women at the
water cooler. Oliver drops his head.
6. Charlie enters from the lift carrying a tray with five
cups of coffee. He carefully sits each cup down beside a
It may be a bit lumpy guys.
7. Janice finally makes her way back to her desk. Oliver
does not raise his head and hands her the mail without
looking at her and leaves.
8. Oliver and Charlie both have frustrated looks on their
faces as they take the left back to the mail room.
We shouldn't keep letting them
treat us like crap.
What can we do? In their minds
we're just a couple of losers who
couldn't get into University.
That shouldn't matter, we're
better than this, we're better
than them. You see how little they
do up there. I'm not putting up
with it anymore; if they push me


                       OLIVER (cont'd)
I'll just push them back.
That won't matter to them; they'll
keep their jobs and their £50,000
per annum and you'll be fired.
I don't care anymore I'd rather be
on the dole that be treated like
They load up the trolley and head for the lift.
We see Charlie going through the same stuff as everyday with
the office workers. He's delivering their letters and they
are having a great time at his expense. Oliver is standing
at the secretary desk waiting for her and watching what's
happening to Charlie. He looks at Charlie, then at Janice
and then the door of Orton's office, he takes a deep breath
and knocks on the door.
      (off camera)
Oliver walks through the door way and into the office, the
door remains open allowing everyone in the main office to
see what is going on. Orton is sitting at his desk and Eddie
Henry is sitting across from him.
I have your mail…
What did I tell you last time?
You're fired.
I don't think that's fair. I've
been putting up with a lot from
your secretary. I can't keep
waiting on her while she talks to
her friends about Kate Moss or
something. Now you can fire me if
you want but Sir, I am a good


                       OLIVER (cont'd)
worker, I'm an intelligent man and
it will be your loss when I'm
working for one of your…
Your stuff will be in the mail.
Now, now Tom, let's not be too
hasty here. You've got a lot fire
there young man, what's your name?
Oliver McIllroy, Sir.
Well. Oliver, most people at your
age and in your position would
just have taken all the crap that
these guys have dished out, any
age really. But it takes a lot
more than that to make in this
company. It takes intelligence,
ingenuity and an appetite for hard
work. Do you have that?
I think I do, Sir.
Well we've been looking for
someone to replace Peter, I'd like
for you to take his place.
Everybody looks amazed, especially Charlie, Orton looks as
if a vein is about to pop.
Of course I'll take it. When do I
Right now, Tom will show to your
Eddie leaves the office and Thomas and Oliver walk in the
direction of his desk. Oliver sits down, beaming, he runs
his arms across and the desk and open and closes all the
This is amazing!


Look Henry may be the name on the
company banner but I run the
place. This is my house. Remember
The lift opens and Charlie enters the room on his own. He
now has delivered all the mail on each floor, meaning that
he has to deal with the office workers and Orton's
secretary. After going through the same old stuff with the
office workers, he has to deliver mail to Oliver. He walks
over and sits down beside.
So how's the first day going?
Man, we used to laugh and joke and
how easy this job probably was but
it isn't. I've got loads of paper
work to go through and this
computer just won't co-operate
with me.
I'm good with computers; I could
have a look at it.
Naw I called the maintenance guy.
It's been mental down the mail
room as well.
I bet it is – damn this computer -
but I don't really have time to
talk now.
That's alright; I have to deliver
these letters out anyway. I'll see
you at lunch?
Naw man, I can't today. The guys
invited me out for lunch.


Oliver is seen laughing with his new co-workers.
Charlie eating alone.
The lift opens and Charlie enters the room and delivers the
mail out to everyone and goes through the same harassment as
always. He goes over and sits down beside Oliver
I hate those guys!
They're just having a bit of a
laugh; you should learn not to
take yourself so seriously all of
the time.
      (looks mazed at
       what oliver just
       asid. beat)
You seem to be in tight with Mr.
Henry, so I was wondering you
could talk to him about me getting
a job up here.
I'm only just in the door that
might be over stepping the mark a
I'd do it for you.
No you wouldn't. I told you to
push back weeks ago but you didn't
Thanks man, you're a good friend.


Charlie walks away, the camera pans to Orton's office who is
smiling after watching the whole argument through his
So this is the mail room, huh?
What a dumped!
What are you doing down here Mr.
I've come to see you Charlie; I
know it can't be easy for you
working in this place when Oliver
gets promoted above you.
Especially after you asked him for
help and he throw it back in your
face. And the kicker of is that he
doesn't even deserve it. The guy's
a nothing, I don't understand what
Henry see's in him. I rather have
you up there, but it's not up to
Orton leaves the room and Charlie starts to wonder if he's
The lift opens and Charlie steps out onto the floor. He
delivers the mail to the office workers and then to Janice,
leaving Oliver last. He goes over and stands above.
Here's your mail.
Thank god you're here. The
computer been acting up again and
the guy can't come up for another
hour. Could you take a look at it?
Why should I? I asked you for a
favour yesterday and you wouldn't
do it, why should I drop
everything for you?


Charlie you're starting to sound
like a bad soap opera. Now stop
acting like Jack Duckworth and
give me a hand. If I don't get
this work done I'll be fired.
Whose got a shitty job and doesn't
give a crap? Charlie Robson.
Oliver gets out of his seat and faces up to Charlie.
Charlie, don't make me take you to
school, son.
They lock push their heads together.
You could never take me there
I've been working out.
Charlie laughs and then decks him across the nose, busting
it open. Oliver gets to his feet and charges at Charlie and
takes him down by hooking his two legs. They roll around for
a while before the office workers separate them. Orton comes
charging out of his office, with Henry in tow.
What the hell is wrong with you
two? I gave you this chance and
you throw it right in my face.
I was just defending myself…
He was asking for it…
You're stuff will be in the mail.
Charlie and Oliver walk towards the end of the room and get
in the lift together.


He used me.
Who did?
You listened to something Orton
said, why? I mean he is American,
starting pointless wars is their
national past time.
I thought that was baseball?
My point is that you got us both
fired because you were too stupid
to realise that he was playing
[Looking Down]
And you ruined my new - and
favourite - shirt playing Rocky
That is actually a really nice
shirt as well. Get it dry cleaned,
the blood will come right out.
You're paying for it, oh wait
that's right you can't because
don't have a fucking job anymore!
Are you still talking about that,
that was five minutes ago. Want to
come over to mine and play some
Oliver looks amazed. Then…
Yes, yes I do.
The lift opens and Charlie and Oliver walk out of the lift
and head to Charlie's.


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From Jonathan Abbott Date 3/17/2009 ***
Here, you're entering generic comedy territory with two appealing characters. The dialogue becomes irrelevant and slightly-less interesting at points, but the characters hold up to it because of their familiarity. However, next time, I'd recommend you give your characters a greater goal or, if not, add in more scenes where we can really cheer them on in their hopes and goals. Never the less, a very entertaining read.

From Kevin Date 7/22/2008 ***
I liked how you used your characters in such a confined setting. Dynamic dialogue is so important when you are confined to a single location (Office building). You do have some grammar errors and slight inconsistancy's in your stage direction such as using capitals in your parenthetical portions of your script that don't need capitals. I really enjoyed it though and it seems you have a great ability for writing. You are excellent at giving a good visual dictation of the scene.

From David Chase Date 7/17/2008 **1/2
I enjoyed the characters in this, and I also liked the descriptions of how the workers on the top floor really behaved. The problem I have is that it felt rushed. I found it got a bit confusing toward the end, possibly due to errors in grammar and spelling. I was also waiting for more of a payoff at the end. I just found the ending to be a bit of a letdown, I wanted something more grand scale. I'd also try to avoid saying "we see" so much. Come up with a better ending, and I'll gladly revise this, because I really did like the characters and where I thought they were going.

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