Home Screenwriting Products Screenwriter Community Screenwriting Store
ScriptBuddy - Screenwriting Software for the Web

Screenwriter Community

Back to List of Published Screenplays
View/Leave Feedback

3,011 miles
by Eric J. Nelson

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **
A slacker finds out girl of his dreams is getting married via Myspace.com. He and a friend embark on a journey cross-country to stop the wedding and sweep her off her feet.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

3,011 MILES


A.J. and Megan are talking instead of working. It's a fun,
flirty conversation, with a lot of giggling. They are
dressed business casual, standing at the end of a wall
covered in polo shirts. Around the corner from where they
are standing is the shoe department.
Hold up, hold up. Let's be honest.
This story starts here.
A younger A.J. is standing in a busy high school hallway.
There is a poster on the wall counting down he days until
graduation, it reads 34.
This is my senior year of high
school and I'm being dumped by my
first girlfriend, if you can call
her that. The relationship lasted
one week. But it left me a little
gun shy.
                       A.J.'S EX
This hurts me too, but I've given
it a lot of thought and we need to
go our separate ways. Trust me
when I say this, it's not me it's
A.J.'s Ex turns and walks away. After a few feet she locks
arms with another guy. They kiss, then exit the hallway.
A.J. stands in place, looking stunned and not knowing what
to do next.
Yeah, she actually said It's not
me it's you, as in it's not her
it's me. And yes, I just stood
there never saying a word. So, I
guess I've always been a spineless


                       A.J. (cont'd)
little bitch.
Move in day five years ago. Returning and new students are
scurrying across campus with their bags to their dorms.
This was going to be my new
beginning. Everybody gets a fresh
start in college, that's why we
always pick places that are hours
away from home. Our reputations
can't follow us if we switch ends
of the state, our leave that state
all together. Not to mention the
added advantage of not being close
enough for our parents to regulate
us in our newly acquired
A.J. Walks into his dorm, boxes in hand. The dorm has beds
to the left and to the right of the door. There are desks at
the far end of the dorm, with a window above each desk.
Francis is laying in his bed reading a book and listening to
Feel Good inc. by Gorillaz on his CD player. Francis only
partially unpacked, he has boxes stacked at the foot of his
bed. He has a Foo Fighters and a Metallica poster on the
wall next to his bed. Some school supplies and more books
are spread out on the desk closest.
Oh, hello. My name is A.J.
A.J. puts his boxes down and puts his hand out to shake the
hand of his new roommate.
Hi, I'm Francis.
Francis puts the book down, gets up, and shakes A.J.'s hand.
I'm sorry.
For what?


Never mind, bad joke.
Oh, with the being named Francis
and stuff. Don't sweat it. Where
you from?
California. Yourself?
North Carolina. It's so nice to
talk to somebody that speaks
American English.
A.J. looks confused.
What do you mean?
I got here a week early, just to
figure out where things are around
here. Found out everyone talks
funny, aside from the accent. For
example, if you want sprinkles on
your doughnut you ask for jimmies.
That's bizarre.
Doesn't end there though, they use
wicked very liberally, wicked
awesome, wicked good, wicked
fuckin pissa, etc. Drinking
fountains are bubblers. Well, bub
bluhs because they have the
accent. I think you get the point.
Yeah. I'm gonna have to find a
language dictionary to get by.
There's an awkward "we just met" silence.
So, you've been here a week.
What's your take on the place?


It's an interesting place, the
music scene is pretty good. You
ever play pool?
A little bit, not all hardcore or
I know a place nearby. If we go
now we can get a table that's far
enough away to not be sodomized by
the people playing next to us.
I wish I could, but I have to get
settled in here so I can go find
where all my classes are.
Think of all the collegiate movies
you've seen. Do you see any lass
time in them?
Well, no.
Exactly, this is college. You only
go to class to take exams.
Sweet, lets go play some pool.
The two freshmen head out to go play some pool.
A.J. and Francis are at the pool hall. A.J. is standing off
to the side waiting his turn as Francis breaks.
Francis is holding A.J.'s legs up, enabling him to do a keg


A.J. shoots at the five ball. He hits the ball toward the
side pocket and it bounces off the corner of the pocket.
A.J. and Francis are at a party playing beer pong. Francis
tosses the ball into the opposing teams final cup.
      (In a high pitch
A.J. give Francis a very enthusiastic high five.
Francis shoots the cue ball into the bumper, bouncing it
into the twelve ball. The twelve ball falls into the corner
The party goers are playing Flip Cup. A.J. is up against a
guy twice his size. Francis is rubbing A.J.'s shoulder in an
attempt to relax him, preparing him for his big match up.
Wide as a black hole, heavy as a
bowling ball.
A.J. glances back.
I think you're a little wasted.
Just a bit.
A.J. chugs down his beer just ahead of the other guy. A
celebration breaks out on A.J.'s team. It's now Francis'
turn, in an attempt to win the game.
Are you sober enough for this?


Fuck sober, I can do this with no
Francis steps up to his opposition, which turns out to be a
really small chick. They begin to drink.
A.J. is lining up the final shot on the eight ball but
Francis has a ball in between. A.J. shoots the cue ball over
Francis' ball, it hits the eight ball which rolls into the
corner pocket.
A.J. smiles and laughs.
A.J. and Francis are sleeping in their beds. A couple of
envelopes are slid under the door, waking Francis from his
sleep. He gets up and picks up the envelopes. He tosses one
of them on A.J.'s head.
Wake up A.J. we got mail.
Francis opens his letter, as A.J. sits up and opens his.
Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit! I'm
losing my scholarship. I'm so
That sucks, I'm apparently no
longer welcome at this educational
My parents are going to fucking
kill me!
So, don't tell them.


If I tell them or not, I think
they're still going to find out.
Either that, or wonder why their
son, who graduated from a major
university never stops working
blue collar jobs.
Good point, I didn't consider
that. But if you work one of those
blue collar jobs long enough you
can move into a white collar
position. And, if you're ambitious
enough you can probably move into
an executive position.
Great plan, with the exception
that I'm an electrical engineering
A.J. and Francis pack up their dorm room, and head out. A.J.
takes one last look at the room before closing the door.
This wasn't the greatest moment in
my life. Kicked out after my first
semester of college, if you could
consider it that. I attended all
of three classes. I was bold
enough to tell my parents, who
weren't happy but didn't tear into
me like I thought they would. They
must have heard the shame and
disappointment in my voice.
Back to A.J. and Megan talking at work.
After getting kicked out of
school, I did the one thing that
current students and failures have
in common, working retail. I was a
failure, of course, and Megan was
a current student. But on days I
worked with her I didn't feel that
way. Days like this made feel like


                       A.J. (cont'd)
I could do anything, for lack of a
better phrase, she made me want to
be a better man.

After about a year of me
desperately wanting to tell her
how I felt, but always lacking the
courage to do so, she moved onto
bigger and better things. That
left me no reason to keep working
a job I hated, so I did what I had
done at every other job I had
worked, I found a new one. Which
brings us to present day.
Present day, A.J. is working at a warehouse store. He is
standing on a forklift in the electronics department,
talking to a coworker by the name of Brandon.
This place fuckin' sucks, I need a
new job.
Me too. Can you see us working
here when we're like 35? We'll be
here for the rest of our lives.
Nah, I'll find another job. Long
before that happens. Might be
another shitty, low paying job,
but at least it won't be here.
What we need to do is get our
degrees, so we don't wind up as
losers managing in retail. People
managing in retail stores are the
lowest of low, in terms of
accomplishments in life.
I don't know that I'd go that far.
It can lead to corporate
I don't know about you, but this
is not the company I want to spend
the rest of my working life in.


Their manager comes walking around the corner.
I see you're talking, which is
good we're here to talk. But,
we've got holes in our run. What
are you going to do about it?
I know the hole you're referring
to it's a canceled item.I would
fill it in, but our steel is full
of only the merchandise that
doesn't sell. Oddly enough we
never receive any of the things
that do sell.
I don't want to hear it, just find
something to fill it in with.
A.J. stares down Jerry as Jerry walks away.
I couldn't be a manager in this
company anyway. I'm not a big
enough douche bag.
A.J. powers up the forklift, raising the forks, and knocking
over the big screen televisions next to him.
Hey Jerry! Fuck this place and
fuck you!
A.J. drives the forklift with the forks out at Jerry.
Surprised Jerry stands stunned until he figures out that
A.J. is driving directly at him. The forklift drives through
the jewelery counter, in pursuit of Jerry who has cut up the
main aisle. As the A.J. continues to chase Jerry, customers
are diving out of the way and running into other aisles.
They are heading directly a wall at the back of the store,
Jerry tries to turn onto the very last aisle only to run
into a customers shopping cart. He spins off into the wall.
As the forklift speeds toward him A.J. moves the forks a
little to the right. Crashing into the wall the forks are on
both sides of Jerry, the contact with the wall threw A.J.
into the front of the lift, launching him backward onto the
floor. A.J.stands up.
I quit ass wipe!


A.J. casually walks off toward the front of the store.
A.J. walks into the apartment. It is furnished by four
folding chairs, a notebook computer, a stereo on a milk
crate, and a pool table. Above the stereo are Foo Fighters
Metallica posters from the dorm. Francis is sitting in one
of the chairs reading.
A.J. looks surprised to see Francis home.
Oh, hey you're home.
Francis puts down his book.
I could say the same thing about
you. You're home like, 2 hours
A.J. walks into the kitchen, pulls out a bottle of Vodka and
a jug of Kool Aide. Francis Gets out of the chair and begins
shoot some pool.
Yeah, I kinda quit my job today.
Might be facing assault charges.
Well, that sounds like a hell of a
A.J. walks out of the kitchen, glass in hand.
It is, but I'm not going to tell
it to you now. I just want to have
a glass of Kool aide and vodka.
A.J. sits in a chair and picks up the open notebook
computer, opens up Firefox, and opens Myspace.com. Upon
logging in, he sees that he has a new message.
      (Reading his
Well, that sucks.
What's that?


You know that chick I've been
stalking on Myspace the last year
and a half?
That Megan chick? Right?
Yeah, her. She's sorta getting
married in a few days.
Oops. Why didn't you make a move
on her when you worked together
Because I'm a dumb ass. I have a
strict rule against dating
coworkers too. I know it's silly,
but I've seen that sorta thing end
in disaster time and time again.
Although, when I was with her I
was happy, everything seemed so
right. You know, all that cliché
bullshit. We even had a movie
The hell's a movie moment?
You know how in the movies when
the leading man and woman first
really click, gaze deeply into
each others eyes for a few seconds
and then they kiss?
Oh, well they do and we had one. I
most likely would have made my
move right then and there, but we
were interrupted by some one.
Well that sucks, you should have
punched the person that
interrupted you.
      (Punches the air.)


                       FRANCIS (cont'd)
Just socked'em right in the face.
Yeah, that would have prevented me
from tormenting myself over the
last year and a half. I may as
well have tattooed "What might
have been" on my forehead. The
oddest thing is we've been
communicating via Myspace all this
time and this is the first mention
of getting married.
That means she wants you to crash
the wedding.
Yeah, OK, she lets me know now.
Just four days before her wedding,
so I can fly out to Sacramento and
break up the most important day of
every women's life.
Maybe, even if she doesn't
wouldn't you rather tell her how
you feel. This way you can get
some closure instead of pining
over some chick you're never gonna
be with?
You know what? You're right. Can
you get the next week off from
work to go with me?
Yeah about that, I got fired from
my job two weeks ago.
You bastard! When did you plan on
letting me, you know the guy you
live with, know?
Well, every time I have pretended
to go to work I was out looking
for a new job. Just figured I'd
play it off until I got a new one.
But, this isn't about me it's
about you. We're flying to San


                       FRANCIS (cont'd)
Francisco tomorrow!
Sacramento, we're flying to
Sacramento tomorrow.
A.J. and Francis are sitting together with the aircraft in
flight. A.J.'s laptop is sitting closed in his lap.
I can't believe we're actually
doing this.
      (Speaking loudly.)
You're crazy man, fucking insane!
All passengers on the plane give the duo a dirty look.
Shh, you're gonna get us in
If you haven't noticed we're
currently 30,000 feet in the air.
What are they going to do, kick us
off the plane?
True, but if you've forgotten we
still have a stop in Denver. They
can keep us off the flight to
Ok, for your sake I'll keep it
Thank you. You shouting is just as
bad as declaring there's a bomb on
the plane.
I may have shouted that you're
crazy, but you said that last part
about there being a bomb a bit
loud. Next time you say something


                       FRANCIS (cont'd)
about a bomb on a plane you might
want to whisper.
There won't be a next time,
because after this I won't have a
need to say...
Bomb on a plane.
Okay, just saying.
The plane hits some violent turbulence sending the oxygen
masks falling from the ceiling. After a few seconds of
turbulence, the plane begins a steep descent. Prompting
screams from all passengers.
Shit, shit, shit.
A.J. and Francis look at each other and begin laughing
hysterically. As the plane levels out, the passengers begin
to give the duo dirty looks once again.
I never knew almost dying would be
so funny.
Me either.
This is your captain speaking. We
will be making an emergency stop
off at Cincinnati/Northern
Kentucky International Airport, I
apologize for any inconvenience.
A beautiful woman dressed professionally taps the person
sitting next to A.J. and Francis on the shoulder, whispering
into their ear. The person then gets up and walks to the
back of the plane. The woman sits in the seat. She flashes a
badge and I.D.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Air Marshal Lydia McGee. You two
have been creating a lot of
uneasiness amongst your fellow


      (With a look of
       lust upon his
Yes ma'am.
We're really sorry about that. I
really apologize for my friend
here, he's a little slow.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Nice laptop, can I see that.
Uh, sure.
A.J. hands over his laptop.
I've got a pen in my pocket. You
want it?
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
No thanks, when we land you two
are going to grab your stuff and
come with me.
A.J. and Francis are sitting side by side at a metal table.
The room is brightly lit, but has no windows.
It would be awesome if this was
like a porn. Air Marshal Hottie
walks in, sends you out and fucks
the shit outta me. Right here on
this table!
If this was a porn, we'd both be
screwing her on the table. Do you
not understand the possible
seriousness of why we're here?
I do, but since we haven't done
anything we have nothing to worry


I know that, but I can think of at
least one occasion in which
they've held someone in custody
and they died. Not to mention the
countless number of people being
held in Git mo without a trial.
True, but we can enjoy our time in
here before we die.
Yeah? Yeah!
A.J. gets up and walks to the double sided mirror, turns and
bares his ass placing both cheeks firmly on the glass.
You like that? Is this what you're
looking for?
Shake that ass!
A.J. rubs his butt cheeks on the glass.
Who's your daddy?!?
      (Still laughing.)
You're my daddy, no you're their
Air Marshal Lydia is standing on the other side of the
mirror watching with another air marshal. The second Air
Marshal truns the speaker off.
                       AIR MARSHAL #2
We've gotta put an end to this.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
I'll go as soon as we hear back
from tech.
                       AIR MARSHAL #2
I hope that's soon, I can't take
much more of this.


A.J., with his ass cheeks still pressed to the mirror, farts
rattling the glass. Through the glass we see him fall to the
floor with laughter and Francis laughing hard in his seat,
but they can't be heard. The air marshals look at each other
The door to the dark room opens, and a man holding a laptop
walks in. The man hands the laptop to Air Marshal McGee.
                       AIR MARSHAL #3
Checks out. If they had anything
to do with it, they didn't use
this laptop.
Air Marshal #3 looks over at A.J. and Francis in the
interrogation room.
                       AIR MARSHAL #3
From the looks of things these two
couldn't steal candy from a
paralyzed child.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Thank you, I'll get them out of
A.J. and Francis are coming out of their hysterical
Fucker! I'm stuck in here with
Sorry, couldn't help myself. At
least it wasn't a stinky fart.
Lucky for you. Otherwise I just
might have had to throw you
through that two sided mirror.
The door opens, Air Marshal Lydia McGee comes walking in
holding A.J.'s laptop.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Am I interrupting?
A.J. pulls up his pants.


No, not at all.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Are you sure? I can come back
Just killing some time.
Can we fly out now?
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
About that, you're banned from all
flights on U.S. soil until further
notice. And, we've gotten you a
room at the airport hotel. We'd
prefer you two stay in the local
But, we're free to go?
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Yes, but we are still
investigating what caused the
plane to do what it did.
A.J. walks toward the door and grabs his laptop.
A.J. walks out the door.
You'll have to excuse him, he's a
little stressed out. Normally he's
a very fun loving guy.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Are you going to join him?
That depends, do we have any
unfinished business.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Not that I can think of.


Are you sure about that? It's just
you, me, and the table in here.
Air Marshal Lydia McGee walks over to Francis and leans in
to his ear.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
I heard your little fantasy
earlier. It sounds wild and
exciting. That's why it's never
ever going to happen.
Francis is driving a rental car on their way to Sacramento.
A.J. is sitting in the passenger seat with a map, plotting
their route.
I'm not sure we should have rented
this car to drive the rest of the
Well, we could have tried to sneak
onto a plane but I don't think we
could have made it past security.
I was thinking maybe we should
have stayed at the room they got
us and maybe we could have flown
out in the morning.
Relax, they said they'd like us to
stay. Not once did they say we had
to. So which way are we headed?
No shit.
Take Interstate 74 north, until
you can get onto Interstate 80.
The 80 will take us all the way to


Well that sounds easy enough.
Yeah, just hope we can still get
there in time.
We should, it only takes two or
three days to get across the
country. We're almost half way
there, and as an added bonus I'll
drive a little fast.
Sounds like a plan. I do have to
ask though, why were you so far
behind me leaving the
interrogation room?
I was having a conversation with
Air Marshal Hottie.
Trying really hard to get some ass
I see.
Yeah, she wants to hook up. I
think she's just not certain how
her boss would perceive it. I bet
you a hundred bucks, once the
investigation is over she looks up
my cell number and calls me over
for some hot steamy porn sex.
You're on dude.
May as well hand over a hundred
bucks right now.
That confident huh?
You bet your ass, why wouldn't I


You're fuckin' delusional, nobody
in their right mind would think
their arresting officer was
sexually interested in them. A
nurse maybe a doctor, but no way
in hell a law enforcement officer.
That doesn't even make sense, law
enforcement officers have no sex
drive? Is that what you're saying?
Not at all. A nurse becomes a
nurse because they want to help
people, a cop becomes a cop
because they want to put jack
asses away. In laymen terms, nurse
people good, cop people bad.
Just be ready to fork over one
hundred dollars.
Keep thinking that, I'll be over
here in the real world, getting
some rest.
Lydia McGee is standing in the room with her fellow Air
                       AIR MARSHAL #3
The desk clerk confirms that they
never checked in.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Tell me something I don't know.
                       AIR MARSHAL #2
Just got off the phone with Hertz.
They rented a car just a few hours
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Find out what their final
destination was on their original
flight. Then contact every media
outlet between here and there.
They can't be more than a couple


                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE (cont'd)
states away at this time,
hopefully we can catch them by
A.J. and Francis are driving along. Then the car begins to
Well, that's not good. A.J. wake
A.J. doesn't even squirm. Francis starts honking the horn
and yelling.
A.J. wake up!
A.J. wakes up.
What, what is it?
The engine is sputtering and the
headlights are dimming.
Shit, you gotta be fucking kidding
Nope, not even a little bit.
A.J. is at the front of the car with the hood up, Francis is
in the driver's seat with the door open. The road is dark
and very few vehicles are passing by.
Try it again.
Francis turns the key, but the car fails to start.


It's too dark out here, We're
gonna have to wait until daytime.
Even then I don't know that I can
fix it. Fuck.
It could be worse, we could be in
the middle of nowhere.
We are in the middle of nowhere.
Wrong, I see lights that means
Just because there's a town
doesn't disqualify it from being
A.J. and Francis start walking to the town.
That may be, but unless I hear
Battle of the Banjo's it's close
enough for me.
If we hear Battle of the Banjo's
I'll run back to the last city
back there and leave your ass
If we hear Battle of the Banjo's
you won't be able to leave me
here, in fact I might run past
A.J. and Francis walk into a western bar. The song playing
as they walk in is "I Should have been a Cowboy". The
interior of the bar has an old western look to it, with a
cow skull hanging over the door. The bar patrons look
confusedly at A.J. and Francis.
This a kind of awkward.


Just a little.
A.J. and Francis continue to the bar.
Rum and Coke.
Dr. Pepper.
      (To the bar
I don't imagine there's a 24 hour
repair or auto parts store around
No, you're gonna have to wait for
Clayton's Auto Shop to open up at
8 A.M.
The bar tender gives A.J. and Francis their drinks.
How much money do we have?
Um, what are you thinking of doing
with it?
Don't worry about it, how much
money do we have?
A.J. pulls the money out of his pocket and sets it on the
counter, then proceeds to count it.
Francis snatches the money off the counter and starts
walking off.
A.J. grabs Francis' arm.
Whoa, hang on there buddy. What
the hell are you doing?


I can beat one of those guys in
pool and double our money.
Are you fucking high? That's all
the cash we have to get to
Sacramento on, and a broken down
rental car a few miles away.
Dude I have to do this.
I can't let you, that's all the
money we have. Let me re-iterate,
no jobs, about a thousand or so
miles to go, all the money we
I won't lose our money.
Can you guarantee that?
Good enough for me.
A.J. lets go of Francis' arm and Francis proceeds to the
pool table.
Wait, I can't go through with
A.J. hops on Francis' back. Francis flips A.J. over his
back, everyone n the bar gives them funny looks.
I have $347.59 right here, that
says I can beat any of you. Any
A tall muscular man steps forward.
I'll take that bet.


      (Pointing at him)
You're on!
I'm not so sure about this, after
all. He wasn't even one of the
guys playing.
I've got this. When it comes to
pool, you don't know anybody
better than me.
I'm not doubting your skill, I'm
just concerned with how it stacks
up against the 6 billion people I
don't know.
You're killing my chi.
Francis hands to money off to the money man.
Too late now.
Home team breaks.
Not like it'll effect the outcome
of the game.
Everybody in the bar is gathered around the pool table.
Clayton breaks and sinks the 15 and 9 balls. The crowd
explodes in cheer.
Looks like I'm stripes bitch.
The crowd laughs. A.J. sinks his head into his hands, as
Clayton sinks the 12, 14, and 11 balls before missing on the
10 ball.
      (Stepping into to
       take a shot.)
No worries, not a problem.
Francis drops the 5, 2, 6, and 3 balls amidst a stunned


Francis looks around the bar.
How do you like them apples?
Lovin' it, keep them rollin'.
Francis shoots at the 7 ball, but it bounces off the corner
of the pocket, the crowd begins to cheer once again. Clayton
walks up to the table and silences the crowd.
Here's what's about to go down,
I'm gonna sink the ten ball in the
there corner pocket. The cue ball
is gonna continue rollin' into the
14 ball right there dropping it
into the side pocket. When the cue
ball comes to a stop, I'm gonna
sink the eight ball into that
corner pocket there.
Yeah right, are you fucking
Houdini all of the sudden?
No, just a man who likes to play
Clayton shoots and the shot happens just as he said. Francis
stands stunned, as A.J. rubs his hands over his face. The
crowd is quite pleased and a man hands Clayton a beer.
      (Shouting over the
Double or nothing.
Are you serious? You can't beat
me. Did you see that shot?
Double or nothing, I break.
Alright, you're on.
The fuck are you doing? We don't
have any more money, remember?


Relax I can't lose.
Are you ladies done chit chatting?
Tables ready.
Francis breaks, but this time all the balls fall into a
pocket. The crowd is in shock.
      (Whispering to
I think it's time to cut our
losses. Lets back out slowly so we
don't panic them.
A.J. and Francis slink away to the door.
                       BAR PATRON 1
Let's beat the shit out of them!
A.J. and Francis run out the door, with the crowd giving
A.J. and Francis get outside and spot a Taxi.
Drive off quickly or I'll fucking
kill you!
Just drive, now!
As the cab speeds off, A.J. yanks open the passenger side
door of the cab. Then he and Francis run around to the side
of the bar in the opposite direction.
You just had to do the W.C. Fields
shot. You know that pisses people
The crowd doesn't give he cab a second glance and comes from
both sides of the bar to surround A.J. and Francis.


Dammit! I was sure that was gonna
Having the two surrounded the crowd begins to pummel them.
      (While getting
Since... we're likely to die
tonight... no time like the
present... to confess our
secrets... I'll start... with
confessing that I'm... I'm a
James... James Blunt fan.
      (Also getting
Shoulda took that... to the grave.
How can you not... like him?
      (Singing in a high
       pitch voice still
       getting beaten.)
My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yes, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see
her again,
But we shared a moment that will


                       CLAYTON (cont'd)
last 'till the end.

You're beautiful. You're
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Slowly the crowd stops beating A.J. and Francis and starts
singing the song.
La la la la la la la la la

You're beautiful. You're
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a
smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should
be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
A.J. and Francis are back in the bar having a drink with
Clayton. The crowd is in a euphoric mood. The juke box is
playing at full volume. Instead of the country music they
walked into, it is now playing sappy pop songs.
A bar patron is standing on the bar.
                       BAR PATRON 2
Real men like sappy love songs...
                       BAR PATRON 2
And, movies like "The Notebook"...
                       BAR PATRON 2
And, "Brokeback Mountain"!


The crowd is silent, everyone looks at each other
confusedly. Then two guys pull him down from the bar and
begin to drag him outside.
                       BAR PATRON 1
Kick the shit outta that fag!
Whoa guys! Be good.
The two guys dragging Bar Patron 2 outside stop and look at
You heard the man be nice.
                       BAR PATRON 1
Can we hit him just once?
You can slap him a few times.
                       BAR PATRON 1
I don't care, just no fists.
The crowd celebrates.
Slap him!
The crowd rushes Bar Patron 2 and starts slapping him.
Sorry about the beat down. We tend
to be a bit emotionally driven
around here. Name's Clayton.
Clayton as in Cayton's Auto Shop?
The one and only.
Well certainly not only, there
have to be several million
Clayton's in this country alone,
and surely at least on other has


                       FRANCIS (cont'd)
to own an auto shop.
A.J. and Clayton give Francis a what the fuck was that look.
Well, alrighty then. Back to what
I was getting at before um, yeah.
We have a rental car that broke
down just a few miles to the east
of here. And, we were wondering if
you couldn't possibly work on it
before you open shop in the
I'd love to, but I think it'd be
for the best to wait for the
morning. I'm a little on the
intoxicated side.
What's the big rush anyway?
We're on our way to break up the
wedding of the love of his life.
A.J. shrugs, points at Francis, and nods his head in
Well, that's special. But how'd it
get to the point of her marrying
another man.
The thing is, I never actually
told her how I feel.
That was foolish, I hate to have
to tell you this but love doesn't
wait. When you feel it, you have
to let her know right then and
there or else you'll lose her
A stranger walks in and he has Francis' attention.


I see what you're saying, but I
hope that at least this once
you're wrong.
The stranger notices Francis sitting at the bar, looks gets
an excited look on his face, and walks toward him.
Francis! What's up man!
Nate! How goes it?
Fantabulous, what brings you here?
I could ask you the same thing.
We're just passing through.
Yeah, Nate this is my friend A.J.
Johnson, A.J. this is a friend of
mine from high school Nate
Nice to meet you.
Oh, the pleasure's all mine.
Seriously though, what are you
doing here? Only reason we ended
up in this bar is our rental car
broke down.
I'm a truck driver, and this is
one of the few bars that will give
you brewskies to go.
Nice. What direction are you


I'm carrying a full load to San
A.J. perks up with excitement.
That's perfect. You wouldn't
happen to have room for a couple
of passengers would you?
I would, where you headed?
We're on our way to Sacramento.
Oh my, that is perfect. I can drop
you off and still deliver my cargo
on time.
So you'll do it?
Absolutely, just let me grab a few
beers and we'll be on our way.
A.J. turns to Clayton and hands him the keys.
I'll contact you in a few days and
work out the return of the rental.
Sounds good and good luck, I
really hope she still has a
special place for you in her
Thanks man.
A.J. is sitting in the passenger seat with Francis crouching
between him and Nate. Nate pulls a joint out of his pocket.


Whoa! You're already drinking, you
think you should be smoking weed
Trust me you don't want to see me
driving sober.
That seems ridiculous.
Trust me, I tried to get my class
A license sober and failed. I was
so stressed out about taking it
the next time I took it I smoked
two bowls and downed a 24 pack in
the twelve hours leading up to it.
That time I aced it.
A.J. looks at him with doubt.
He's the driver here, let's just
trust him.
Suppose we don't have a choice.
Nate sticks the joint in his mouth and lights up.
I know he doesn't want any how
about you Francis? Wanna toke?
Nate takes a hit and hands the joint over to Francis.
Fuck no, thank you kindly.
What happened we used to smoke
weed together all the time?
Senior year, I was so high I
dropped my pants and humped a
reindeer in the mall. After I
spent some time in jail for that I
quit smoking pot.
Francis laughs.


Forgot about that. Maybe what they
say about weed killing brain cells
is true.
We had some good times back in
high school didn't we?
That we did. High school was
definitely good times, I don't
think there's ever been a
graduating class that partied as
hard as ours.
Remember the party at your house
junior year?
How could I forget, we both lost
our virginity that night. And not
to each other.
Francis and Nate high five one another.
I have a confession about that
If you didn't get laid that night
that's cool.
Oh I did, but I've never told you
the truth about it.
Was it with a guy?
No, not at all. The part I lied
about was not knowing her name.
Well that's not such a big deal,
so you knew the name of the chick
you banged. That's not a crime.


I have to tell you the whole story
for you to understand my actions.
You see I was trying to get my
dick wet all night and failing
miserably. That's when I saw her
walk in, and our eyes met. Sparks
flew, but she kept walking by. I
looked around for you, for a few
seconds. Because I had never seen
this girl before, and I wanted to
know her name before I hit on her.
But you had already gone to your
room with Rebbecca Vasher.
Ah, Rebbecca.
Yes, well anyway, I decided to
follow this girl. She grabbed a
beer and headed upstairs. I
followed her right into a room. We
sat down on the bed and let me
tell you we had a lot in common.
After about an hour I was balls
deep in her Vag.
Okay, you had to tell me all this
She was your sister.
What?! She was twelve you
Francis wraps his hands around Nate's throat. Sending the
rig into the opposite lane.
In my defense I was a minor too.
You were seventeen, that's plenty
old enough to know better!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're pissed
and rightfully so,but you gonna
get us and possibly others killed.


                       A.J. (cont'd)
It's not worth it.
A.J. tackles Francis onto the bed.
Fuck you asshole! I'm gonna
fuckin' kill you!
I'm sorry man. I didn't know she
was your sister until after the
See he's sorry, now let it go. At
least until we get to Sacramento,
then you can kill him to your
hearts desire.
Okay. You're dead as soon as we
hit Sac you douche!
Fair enough I suppose.
Now Francis, you should get some
rest you've been up for a long
time. And, you deserve it.
Yeah, I am pretty fucking tired.
Francis passes out, and A.J. sits back down in the passenger
Thanks for that.
Don't thank me, I would have let
him kill you if I didn't need to
get to Sacramento.
What's so important that you have
to get to get to Sac ASAP?
Just drive, I don't know that I'm
talking to you every again.


Shiza, dude! I was 17 I was a kid
What's the difference if you were
17 or 18? If you can't make
quality decisions by the age of 16
I seriously doubt you'll ever make
solid adult decisions.
Okay, just chill man. Sheesh,
you'd think it was your sister.
Regardless of who's sister she is,
you ran serious risk of damaging
her both physically and mentally.
I wore a condom, and her head
wasn't anywhere near getting
A.J. opens his mouth to speak, but can't find the words to
You know what? I'm just going to
stare out the window here and
pretend that none of this ever
                                         FADE OUT
The bartender is closing up the bar, Clayton is giving him a
hand and they have the TV on.
Thanks for giving me a hand
Not a problem. If it gets you home
to your wife and kids any sooner
it's well worth it.


We haven't had as much excitement
in here as we did tonight in a
very long time.
That's for damn sure. Those
fella's really helped us all open
up. Feels good to have everything
out in the air.
Oh, breaking news gotta hear this.
The bar tender turns the volume up on the television.
                       NEWS REPORTER
Some breaking news this hour.
Several government agencies are
looking for a couple men suspected
in a possible terrorist plot to
bring down a passenger jet earlier
today. All that is currently being
released is that they are on the
run headed west in this rental
car. Their names are A.J. Johnson
age 23 and Francis Strasser 24
both of Boston. If you see them or
know their whereabouts you are
urged to call the number on the
screen. More on this story as it's
I can't believe A.J. and Francis
could do such a thing.
Well, are we gonna call it in?
Fuck yeah, we can't tolerate no
fuckin' terrorists 'round here. No
matter if we like 'em or not they
threaten our very freedom.
                                         FADE IN
The sun is beginning to rise. A.J. is staring out the side
window of the truck. He sees a weigh station pass by. He


gets a look of confusion on his face and turns his attention
to Nate.
Aren't you supposed to stop at
Not with this cargo, and
definitely not with these.
Nate holds up some empty beer bottles with his right hand.
Oh, yeah those might be a bit of a
Just then they hear a siren and notice the State Trooper in
Nate's left mirror.
Fucking, shit, shit!
Why don't you pull over and I'll
say the beer was mine?
The brewskies aren't the problem.
What's in the trailer?
It's best if you don't know.
If you don't tell me I'm going to
knock this rig out of gear, make
sure you don't get it back into
gear so that we come to a rolling
stop. Then I'm going to tell that


                       A.J. (cont'd)
officer back there that you
forcefully abducted us.
What would you do to me if I told
you it was full of about a
thousand pounds of cocaine plus
various other things?
Is it?
Yep, give or take a few hundred
pounds of coke.
You fucking bastard! I'm going to
chop off you cock and balls and
cram them down your fucking
throat. You fucking, piece of
shit, asshole, fagot!
Francis wakes up in the middle of A.J.'s tirade.
What's all the yelling about?
This dick face past a weigh
station because his trailer is
full of cocaine. Now instead of
going to Sacramento, we're going
to be going to the federal
Oh, well that does in fact suck.
Look guys, I can get you out of
How do you plan on doing that?
There's not just one but four, cop
cars on us now. And, that's not
counting how many there may be in
the blind spot.


How do you know there are some in
the blind spot?
I don't, I'm just trying to make a
fucking point!
Plan to get us out of this Nate.
Oh right, the plan. Up the highway
here there's a turn with an
embankment. As we go around the
turn you two bail. The cops
shouldn't be able to see you, you
know, because of the turn. Just
tuck and roll, and out of sight
you go.
That might actually work.
Better than nothing I suppose.
I'm glad you like it because
you've got about five seconds to
Francis piles over A.J. to open the door and they fall our
A.J.and Francis come to a rest at the bottom of the hill,
covered in dirt and writhing in pain.
I hope I never have to do that
I don't know, it was kinda fun.
The two share in a laugh.


I hope he gets raped in prison.
I hear ya. Of course, we could
aide the process by sending his
cell mate a letter. Outlining what
he did with your sister.
Yep, that should seal the deal.
So, do you have any idea where
we're at?
They finally find the strength to stand up.
Not a clue, but by the looks of it
I'd say we're still in BFE.
Sounds about right.
Guess all we can do at this point
is walk back up to the highway and
follow it west. With a little luck
someone will feel bad and pick us
After that last ordeal, we might
be better off walking to
Sacramento. Speaking of which, do
you know where we need to be when
we get there.
Shit, my laptop!
A.J. pops open his laptop bag, and pulls it out. He inspects
it for damage, then props it open and powers it up.
Thank god it still works. When we
get back to civilization, I'll
need to find a WiFi hot spot and
find out where we're going.
                                         FADE OUT


                                         FADE IN
A.J. and Francis are walking down the highway, shirts tied
around their heads and thumbs sticking up.
Whys it have to be so hot?
Because, if it wasn't we'd have
something going for us.
Actually, if it wasn't we'd
probably be walking in a blizzard
about now.
True, I think I'll take this heat.
I don't know I think it's getting
to me. Either that, or there
actually is a truck stop on the
I see it to.
Good, so either it's there or
we're probably going to die at
about the same time. Solves the
whole to eat or not to eat the
human dilemma.
Lydia McGee and crew are at the bar questioning Clayton and
the bartender.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
They were both here last night?
Yes ma'am. Just like we said on
the phone, their rental car broke
down before they reached us. So
they came walking in looking for


                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Did you notice anything suspicious
about them?
Other than the fact they were
carrying cash no. most passer byes
use credit cards.
The only thing I can add to that
is Francis is a freak of nature at
pool. Other than that they seemed
to be good kids. Never woulda
figured 'em for terrorists.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
That hasn't been established yet.
Did they say where they were
going? How did they leave?
Sacramento is where they was
headed. They hitched a ride with
Nate McClure, he's a truck driver
that passes through here often.
Actually, kinda funny that him and
Francis knew one another.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Thank you gentlemen, that'll be
all for now.
Lydia walks over to her colleagues.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
I need you to find out everything
you can about a Nate McClure. He's
transporting our boys.
                       AIR MARSHAL #3
I'll get right on that boss.
A.J. and Francis stop at the end of the parking lot to put
their shirts back on.
Well, at least we're not going to
die today.


There is that.
We'll go in get some food, some
liquids, some Advil, and hopefully
a mode of transportation that'll
take us to sunny Sacramento,
What's the Advil for?
My head is fucking killing me.
You don't need drugs for that.
You're probably right. I'm most
likely dehydrated.
Truth, but not what I was getting
at. You don't need pills to get
rid of a headache.
I know there's always mind over
matter and lots of fluids.
Truth, but not what I was getting
at. You just need to get off.
Masturbation? No, fuckin' way.
Trust me, orgasms relieve
headaches. They release endorphins
into the bloodstream, headache
gone. Works for chics too. So if
your girlfriend is complaining of
a headache, just...
A.J. humps the air doggy style.
Fuck her like a porn star. Ew, ew!


Something like that.
Okay, I'll go to the restroom and
give it a try. You go in the mini
mart and get food and Gatorade.
Francis walks into the mini mart. A.J. walks to the
restroom. He peeks in and sees how unsanitary it is, thinks
it over and walks to the back of the truck stop. He looks
around, doesn't see anybody, unzips his pants, and facing
the wall starts masturbating.
Francis walks directly to the hot dog machine.
Mmm, gas station hot dogs are
He grabs four hot dogs and puts ketchup, but no mustard on
them. Walks to the cooler.
Water sucks, it really, really
He grabs two large orange Gatorade's. He begins to wander up
to the register, but as he gets to the chips end cap he has
no choice but to stop and grab a big bag of Doritos. Then
proceeds into line for the register.
Quick glimpses of Francis handing over the money to the bar
patron with the hat, A.J. and Francis getting beaten, then
of them leaving the bar.
Oh crap, we don't have any cash.
A.J. is still masturbating outside of the truck stop.


The only light in the room is being generated by tea candles
that are lining the walls of the room. On the bed A.J. is
having sex with Megan.
I can't believe this is working.
It better keep working.
God dammit, I hate when I have a
thought mid fantasy.
Don't get soft,come back in, come
back in.
A.J. then cums.
You just had to say come didn't
Well, that was disappointing.
You're disappointed? This is my
fantasy. I just came prematurely
in my own fantasy, now that's
What about me?
I'll get you next time. In real
life hopefully.
      (In a deep manly
How much?
A.J. turns his head quickly to see a truck driver standing
next to him. He zips up his pants quickly and turns to face
the truck driver square up.


Excuse me?
                       TRUCK DRIVER
How much for oral?
Oh, I'm sorry I don't do that.
                       TRUCK DRIVER
Just sex then, figured you
wouldn't be up to that since you
already got yours.
They look at the cum on the wall.
Well you see, I uh...
A.J.'s sentence is interrupted by the sound of a shotgun
blast and a scream. Francis comes running around the corner.
The hell are you doing back here?
Never mind, just run this way.
Francis takes off running toward a passing train.
The fuck is he doing?
The sore clerk comes past the corner wielding a shotgun.
                       STORE CLERK
Come back, you fucking thief!
A.J. runs after Francis. The store clerk brings the shotgun
up to his shoulder.
                       TRUCK DRIVER
The truck driver punches the store clerk as he shoots,
sending the shot off target.
                       TRUCK DRIVER
Come back it's safe now!
The truck driver waits for a couple seconds, looks down at
the store clerk, who is unconscious, on the ground. Cocks


his head sideways, throws the clerk over his shoulder, and
heads for his rig.
A.J. hops on the car.
What the fuck dude?
I realized we never got the cash
back at the bar.
Oh crap, we didn't.
No, no we didn't. I realized this
as I was heading up to the
register, so I stole this stuff.
But, I did offer him an I.O.U.
Wait. Why did you go all the way
up, if you knew you were going to
have to steal it anyway?
I couldn't run and carry arms full
of food, so I figured I'd let him
bag it first.
Makes sense.
Francis pulls out two hot dogs, a Gatorade, and the bag of
Doritos. Then he hands the bag to A.J. The first thing A.J.
does is pull out the Gatorade.
Orange Gatorade, eh? You do
realize they have like 50 billion
flavors of this stuff don't you.
Yes, but orange is the only good
Whatever, someday I'm gonna have
to expand the horizons of what you
eat. You miss out on so much good


                       A.J. (cont'd)
A.J. chugs down some Gatorade.
No, I only eat the good stuff.
Francis takes a bite of a hot dog.
Worst gas station hot dog ever.
At least it's food though.
When we get to California, we'll
beg for some cash and get an
IN-N-OUT burger.
I think, the hells an IN-N-OUT
burger and how's he know they have
them in California? The I remember
you're from California.
Best burger and fries you've ever
Can't wait.
Will you Nancy's shut it over
From behind some boxes an old homeless man emerges.
I'm sorry. Didn't know you were
It's not actually a problem. I
just didn't know how to introduce


You could start by saying hello
and telling us your name.
Right. Hello, my name's Amadeus,
Amadeus Mozart. Sorry, if I'm a
bit rude I'm always on the move
and don't get a chance to converse
with people often.
I'm Francis and this is A.J. So,
Amadeus Mozart like the classical
musician huh.
Not like, I am the classical
I'm sorry, but that makes you
roughly 250 years old, dead for
just about 210, and Austrian.
I'm obviously not dead, because
I'm right here. I came to the
future in Elvis' time machine to
save the music.
And your first name would be
Wolfgang, not Amadeus.
Wolfgang, I never did like that
name. Who the fuck names their kid
      (Whispering to
Dude's ape shit crazy, let's not
drive him to the point of killing
I've been traveling the United
States for some time now, that's
how I lost my accent, writing the
42nd symphony. It goes like this.


Amadeus starts, loudly and out of key, vocally imitating the
sound of the instruments in the symphony.
That's brilliant but I have to
stop you there.
Why so?
Yeah, why'd you stop him?
      (Whispering to
Think about what you're going to
say very carefully. I don't want
to die today.
You looked parched.
Francis hands him his Gatorade.
Thank you.
Amadeus takes a swig and spits it out.
The fuck is this shit? Here, I
have the stuff that real men
Amadeus walks over to the boxes he came out from behind,
reaches behind them and pulls out three bottles of Jack
This is the beverage of greatness
right here. If I were god, I would
have filled the oceans with it.
                                         FADE OUT
Nate is brought into the interrogation room with his hands
and feet cuffed wearing an orange jumpsuit.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Good afternoon Nate.


Why hello there. Are you my
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Too bad, I'd love to spend some
time with you.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Yeah, well I don't sleep with
criminals. And with the charges
you're facing the only conjugal
visits you'll be getting are with
your cell mate. But, we might be
able to get that reduced a little
bit if you help us out.
I already told them I don't know
who the supplier is. I get a text
message and go to the location to
pick up the trailer.
Lydia pull out a picture of A.J. and a picture of Francis
and sets them on the table.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
I don't care about that. I want to
know what you know about these
Well, I went to school with
Francis. That's his friend A.J.
And they were headed to
Sacramento, but they bailed out of
the cab while we were being
chased. That's all I know.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
They spent a few hours in your
truck and that's all you've got?
After I confessed about fucking
Francis' 12 year old sister
neither of them would talk to me.


                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
I wouldn't go around talking about
that if I was you. Unless you like
getting raped.
She puts the photos in the folder and starts walking out.
I was 17 at the time, and I didn't
know she was 12... I only told him
because I needed to be honest with
those around me... Man Dr. Phil's
full of crap.
The trio are laughing and sitting on the floor of the train
car, holding empty bottles of Jack Daniels.
The first time I saw you two I
thought, "here are a couple of
sorry saps." Seriously, you look
like you've been thrown from the
top of a skyscraper.
Actually, it was a bar brawl. But
that's a long story.
He's the sorriest of these saps,
we're headed to Sacramento,
because this jack ass thinks he's
going to stop a wedding and steal
the bride.
They all laugh hysterically.
It's sad, but true.
Do you think it's going to work?
I do.
That is sad.


Isn't it.
Amadeus points at Francis.
What the fuck are you doing with
I had nothing better to do. See I
lost my job a couple weeks ago,
because my attendance sucked. It
wasn't uncommon for me to show up
45 minutes late.
They all start laughing again.
The best part is I actually
encouraged him.
He did.
Wow, that's awesome. You
encouraged your friend to partake
in a journey that will only end in
It is awesome isn't it? Man, I
can't believe we all drank an
entire bottle of Jack.
It is pretty insane. You know what
it makes me want to do?
What's that?
Fight, who wants to fight?
Let's do it.
Okay, just let me piss real quick.


Amadeus stands up and turns profile to A.J. and Francis. He
unzips his pants and places his Jack Daniels bottle up to
his penis. He pretends to be pulling a tap, his penis being
the tap, and starts pissing into the bottle. They all erupt
into laughter.
That's awesome, his penis is a
Amadeus finishes pissing, puts the cap back on the bottle,
and sets it down.
      (Pointing to the
For later.
Lets do this shit.
Bring it.
The three of them begin wailing on each other. Everyone is
punching everyone. Punches to the ribs, punches to the face,
none of them care. Then A.J. gets knocked out.
                                         FADE OUT
                                         FADE IN
A.J. comes to. Notices the train has stopped and he's wet
his pants.
Nasty, can't believe I wet my
pants. At least it's my own urine,
I hope.
He looks over and sees Francis and Amadeus still sleeping
and sits up.
Cotton mouth and the hangover from
hell, awesome.
A.J. takes a swig of Gatorade, and hops off the train.


Whoa bright.
He squints to see around him.
This doesn't look like Sacramento.
He walks around until he sees a a parking lot full of cars,
each one has an Arizona license plate.
Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!
                                         FADE OUT
Hearing A.J. yell, Francis and Amadeus sit straight up.
That can't be good.
The hell are you yelling about.
Look at the plates on those cars
and the paint on that wall.
Arizona License plates, and
according to the wall we are in
Flagstaff, Arizona. What's the big
What's the big deal? The big deal
is we are in Flagstaff fucking
Arizona. The Wedding, you know the
one I'm suppose to be crashing,
starts in about three hours. How
are we going to get, what I'm
guessing is a ten hour drive done
in about three hours?


Could be worse, we could be in
We're in Arizona, you don't get
much closer to Mexico than
And, we can fly to Sacramento.
Assuming A, they've lifted our ban
on flights. And B, there is a
flight into Sacramento that fits
that time frame.
We can try.
No we can't try, the odds are
completely against us. You fucked
me this time like you fucked me in
college. And I was dumb enough to
fall for it again. You remember
why I picked Boston College?
Because it was near MIT. I was
going to get a bachelors degree
there, then I was going to go to
MIT to get my masters. I was going
places. I was going to change the
world. But no, dumb ass me
listened to the idiot he was
roomed with in the dorms and has
been working for damn near minimum
wage the past five years. Now
instead of crashing the wedding of
the girl of my dreams and at least
telling her how I feel, I'm stuck
in Arizona. This is where it ends,
right here, right now. I'm walking
back to Boston, or at least in an
easterly direction. And you're not
following me.
Francis stands there dumb founded as A.J. walks off.
He sounded pissed.


That he was.
Oh. Well this is a drag. Lets go
into town and fuck some bitches.
I suppose, we don't have any place
else to go.
Francis is wandering Flagstaff talking to himself, but
walking next to Amadeus. As the two dirty and battered men
walk, everyone gives them funny looks.
I don't know what he's so angry
about. I didn't make him do
anything. Flunking out of school,
that's on him, all the crap that's
happened on this trip not my
fault. I didn't make the plane
almost crash, or the car
breakdown, the cops chase us, or
the train come here. He just needs
an outlet to direct his
frustration. He needs to get laid.
Amen to that. Where's the brothel
located at?
The thing about it that really
gets to me is that he chooses to
blame me instead of admitting he
fucked up.
A pretty woman walks toward them going the opposite
direction. Amadeus stops, Francis takes two steps before
coming to the realization that Amadeus has stopped so he
      (Speaking to the
Excuse me miss, but how would you
like to fuck a musical genius?
The woman stops and looks at Amadeus stunned.


My names Amadeus Mozart. I'm the
most famous musician ever and I
have a 9 inch penis.
The woman slaps Amadeus with all her might.
                       FLAGSTAFF WOMAN
You think I'm some cheap whore?!?
Well, actually I was hoping I
wouldn't have to pay.
Francis tries not to but can't resist laughing.
                       FLAGSTAFF WOMAN
It's not funny! You need to
restrain your dad!
The woman storms off in the direction she was headed.
I have to hand it to you Amadeus,
you certainly have a way with the
A limo pulls up and a woman in her late twenties pops her
head out the window.
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
Dad get in the car it's time to go
Who are you?
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
Don't try that shit with me, I
know you're not a crazy homeless
An older woman peeks her head out the same window.
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
Robert get your ass in the car
right now or I'll drag you to
every gala I go to.
Shit! It's bad enough you had to
track me down, but you had to
bring your mother along with you?


You're name's Robert?
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
Yes, his name is Robert Hathaway.
He is a very wealthy man, I'm his
wife Nancy and this is our
daughter Jennifer.
It's true, all of it. But I'd
rather be Amadeus the crazy hobo.
He gets to have all the fun.
That's why I hopped that train.
So it was all an act?
Um, not really. I do love Jack, if
I was god I would fill the oceans
with it. And, if you ever meet any
of my frat brothers they'll tell
you about how fun I am.
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
Just say goodbye to your dirge to
society of a friend and get in the
god damned car so we can get home.
Hold on a second Nancy!
      (Mumbling to
God I hate that bitch.
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
Don't think I don't know what you
I won't if you don't act like I
I won't hold you up any longer.
Nice meeting you all.
Francis tries to walk off, but Amadeus grabs his arm.
I think it's best if you come with


Amadeus is sitting with Nancy on one side of the limousine,
on opposite ends of the seat. Jennifer is up close to
Francis on the other side of the limo, looking like she's
going to hump him right there.
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
So Francis, where do you work?
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
Please Jennifer, he's homeless. He
doesn't have a job.
I'm not exactly homeless. Well, I
might be now. I got fired and then
I lost my money in a bar.
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
That sounds like they story of a
homeless man to me.
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
Nancy, if you got to know him
you'd know he and his friend we're
looking for are good kids.
Thanks Robert.
Please, call me Amadeus.
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
Francis are you seeing anyone?
Um, I'm seeing my friend.
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
Oh, you're gay.
No, no. I mean I see A.J. right


A.J. is walking along side Interstate 40, talking to
Maybe I was a little hard on him.
Well somebody has to, he wanders
this planet with no direction what
so ever, if I don't set him
straight who will? Yeah, I was
doing him a favor. But maybe I
should go back and apologize. All
the stuff I pinned on him, wasn't
his doing.
A.J. kicks a rock in front of him.
Fuck this sucks.
A limo comes up next to him and slows down. The window rolls
You look like a friend in need.
Holy shit dude! How'd you get a
That's a bit of a story in itself,
get in and I'll tell it.
The limo stops, door opens, and A.J. gets in.
Nancy and Amadeus are seated on one side of the limo on
opposite ends. Jennifer is still practically hanging on
Francis. A.J. is sitting on the other side of Francis.
So you're really a wealthy guy
named Robert? And we're really
flying to Sacramento in your
private jet?


That's the plan. And please, call
me Amadeus. Robert's a lame old
rich guy. Fuck him.
I just want to know, if you have
all this money, why do you insist
on being homeless?
Because a homeless man is truly
free. You see, the rich man
becomes a prisoner of his money.
He has obligations and a nagging
wife, both of which can take all
of that away in a moment if
they're not happy.
The homeless man has none of
those. So he has no stress, no
Bingo, he can do as he pleases.
                       NANCY HATHAWAY
This is ridiculous.
Can it Nancy. Just because these
kids aren't one of your richer
than some small countries friends,
doesn't mean they're below you.
I'm sorry, but you two seem
miserable. Why are you still
Because even though she nags me, I
still love her. One of these days
I'll convince her to stop loving
money and we'll run off and be
homeless together.
Nancy looks at him and smiles.
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
Ah, that's so sweet daddy.


So, here's the airport guys. My
private jet will be waiting for
you, then another limo once you're
in Sacramento.
You sure you don't want to come
with us? There has to be room for
all of us on there.
No we're good. I'm going to stay
here a while with my family.
Francis leans in to shake his hand. Amadeus leans in and
places his head next to Francis' ear.
By which I mean, I'm going to run
away again.
I'm sorry about what I said.
About what?
About you at the train station.
Don't worry about it. It's a thing
of the past and I don't even care.
It's a shame Amadeus didn't come
with us. I miss the guy already.
Me too, but he felt it would be
easier to escape his family again
staying in Flagstaff.
A.J. laughs.


Yeah when he was shaking my hand
he whispered it in my ear.
That's awesome.
Yeah it is.
So how about Jennifer? She looked
very into you to me.
What can I say? I'm just a love
That you are.
Damn straight.
Seriously though, are you gonna
hunt her down and fuck her?
Probably not, she's Amadeus'
daughter. Might make it kind of
strange. I'm more into Air Marshal
Hottie anyway.
How about you, her, and Air
Marshal Hottie in a three way?
Huh, huh?
You know, I just don't think
that's gonna happen.
Sucks for you.
Eh, I think I'll live.
Oh look, there's Sacramento.


That yellow bridge across from
that baseball field makes me think
of Pittsburgh.
It does resemble it a bit doesn't
A.J. is sitting down and is using his laptop.
The wedding is at the Cathedral of
the Blessed in downtown
Cool, lets do this shit.
A.J. and Francis walk to the front of the airport and meet
up with the limo driver holding the sign with Francis' name
on it.
We need to get to the Cathedral of
the Blessed, ASAP.
I can't believe we actually made
it. We're going to be a few
minutes late, but we made it none
the less. I do wish we could have
gotten here a few days earlier so
I wouldn't have had to barge into
the actually wedding.
That would have been nice, yeah.
But lets not focus on that. The
important thing is we are here and
you're about to tell the love of
your life, the woman who completes
you how you feel, what are you
going to say?


I'm going to look her in the eyes
and say, in an Issac Hayes voice
of course, "I know I should have
said this a long time ago, but I'm
saying this now, you're beautiful.
I think you know that, but I don't
think you know how beautiful you
are. Not just on the outside, but
on the inside as well. To such an
extent that I've never met anybody
like you, and I don't think I ever
will again. To be truthful I don't
want to have to look for the woman
who compares to you. I love you,
always have, and always will."
      (In a high pitch
I love you too A.J.
Francis hops on A.J. and dry humps him.
Oh god, get off.
Oh I am.
Okay, that was a little too gay.
Francis rolls off of A.J.
You know you liked it. What you
said though, that was good. I
think she'll dig it.
The limo comes to a stop.
No, no, no. Why are we stopping?
                       LIMO DRIVER
Because traffic is coming to a
stop. I can't drive through them.
Why is everybody stopping? The
lights green.


Francis sticks his head out of the sun roof.
It doesn't look good.
How bad?
There's an accident blocking the
It's only two cars it should be
clear in about ten minutes or so.
I don't know if I have ten
minutes. Hey driver, how far away
are we?
                       LIMO DRIVER
You see that steeple?
That's it?
                       LIMO DRIVER
That's it.
A.J. opens the door and runs out onto the street.
Francis is standing through the sunroof.
Good luck.
Thanks, but I'd rather not need
A.J. runs through traffic toward the church.
Just remember what you said in the
car, I think it's golden.


Do you...
A.J. comes running through the door.
Wait, stop!
A.J.? What are you doing here?
A.J. tries to stop, but slips on the floor. He stands up,
looks around frightened, then redirects his focus on Megan.
We need to speak, in private.
Okay, about what?
I just do. I'm going to walk
outside and hope you meet me out
A.J. walks back outside.
A.J. is pacing in front of the door. The door opens and
Megan walks through it.
Don't speak just hear me out.
      (Rushing his
I know I should have said this a
long time ago, but I'm saying this
now, you're beautiful.
A.J. pauses, looks down, and raises his right hand. He put
both hands on his knees, take a deep breath and start over.


I'm so quixotic right now I might
to pass out. I'm sorry for
interrupting your wedding,
especially looking and smelling
like a homeless guy whose gotten
the crap beat out of him. It's a
long story, and one I promise to
tell you at a later date. I would
have showered and changed if I had
the chance, hell I wanted to be
here days ago. That's beside the
point, sorry. What I came here to
say is you make me. Just your
presence makes anything possible.
you're my compass showing me the
direction I need to go. I love
you, I've always loved you. If I
didn't I wouldn't have traveled
traveled all 3,011 miles to tell
you this. And to not marry that
guy, who ever he is.
I really don't know how to say
this. I mean, I know you did this
with the best of intentions. It
just comes off a bit stalker-ish.
Really? Because that's not what
I'm going for here.
I know you meant it as a romantic
gesture.that's just not how it
comes across. People don't do
stuff like this.
Stop, just stop. I'm getting
married now, just leave and let me
live my life.
Megan walks back to the cathedral.
Megan stops just a few steps from the door.


Megan takes the final steps to the door, opens it, pauses,
and takes a deep breathe.
Look back, come on look back.
Megan walks into the church, without looking back.
A.J. watches her walk in and keeps watching the door like a
sad puppy. Until the Limo pulls up.
Come on man, Let's go get an
IN-N-OUT burger.
As A.J. steps into the limousine a helicopter circles over
                                         FADE OUT
A.J. sits stone faced in the limo and Francis tries to cheer
him up.
So she didn't go for it. There are
other women out there. And, above
it all I'm glad you finally took
the initiative to follow through
on something. Maybe I'll give that
a try... someday.
Thank you, I guess.
The limousine comes to a stop, as a couple police cars block
off the road way. The doors of the limo are yanked open.
A.J. and Francis are dragged out by FBI agents dressed in
all black, and wearing bullet proof vests.


A.J. and Francis are cuffed and laying on the road on
opposite sides of the limousine.
Take me away, I've got nothing to
What the fuck is this about?!?
Take off these cuffs so I can show
you my dick!
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
I can't imagine there'd be much to
Oh my god, it's Air Marshal
Hottie! Hey A.J. it's Air Marshal
Yeah, heard you the first time!
The FBI agents pull A.J. and Francis onto their feet.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
You two should have stayed in the
room. Now I have to bring you in
for running, and the aircraft.
Okay, we ran but the plane wasn't
us! Tell her A.J.!
It was all me. The running, the
plane all of it.
Francis looks confused.
He's lying, it was all me! I'm the
mastermind of this terror plot!
Dude, don't lie. You never would
have been on that plane if I
didn't drag you along.


Doesn't change the fact that I'm
the Terrorist Mastermind!
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Shut it, both of you!
A.J. and Francis look attentively at Air Marshall McGee.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
It doesn't matter who's what
you're both coming in.
A.J. and Francis get shoved into separate cars and hauled
A.J. and Francis are sitting uncuffed, beside each other on
a bench in a tiny holding cell.
Why'd you declare yourself the
"Terrorist Mastermind", when I was
clearly trying to keep you out of
Yeah I know. I was just trying to
get some more time with Air
Marshal Hottie. Preferably alone.
You've really got a thing for her
don't you?
Well, I obviously don't know her
well enough to have some sort of
emotional connection. But I would
like to sleep with her.
Well duh. Anything else would just
be creepy.
Yeah. While we're having a Q and A
session here I must say I'm
curious why you felt the need to
keep me out of trouble back in the
street? If I hadn't of shouted on
the plane, you wouldn't have said


                       FRANCIS (cont'd)
anything about a bomb. Then when
we laughed after the turbulence we
would have just looked like a
couple of guys so happy to be
alive they broke into laughter.
It wasn't so much about protecting
you as it is moving forward with
my life. If I'm going to get
anywhere I need to start taking
responsibility for my actions.
But the trouble with the plane had
nothing to do with you.
A.J. shrugs his shoulders.
Eh, close enough.
Francis give two thumbs up.
Okay then.
The cell door opens and Lydia McGee walks in.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Good news, despite what you both
claimed in the street, what
happened to the aircraft was a
mechanical malfunction. Which
means it had nothing to do with
either of you. So we've decided to
drop all charges.
Are we free to go now?
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Isn't that what I just said.
Sweet ain't gotta tell me twice.
A.J. gets up quickly and starts walking toward the door.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Apparently so.


A.J. stops and looks at Air Marshal McGee.
A.J. notices Francis is still sitting on the bench.
Dude, we're free are you comin' or
Go ahead, I'll be out in a minute.
A.J. leaves the cell.
      (From outside the
Whew I'm a free man!
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
What are you still sitting here
Oh, you know.
Air Marshal McGee smiles and shuts the door. She then walks
over to Francis, picks him up and slams him face first into
the wall, holding his arm behind his back.
Alright, I like it rough!
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
This is my career, it taught me
how to kill a man 49 ways with my
bare hands. I love what I do. You
think I'm going to risk it and
fuck you right here in this cell?
She spins him back around and gives him a passionate kiss.
It's six months after the wedding. A.J. is sitting on the
steps of a building typing to Brandon on Windows Live


      (Text on screen.)
It feels good to be back in
school. I finally feel like I know
where I'm going now.
      (Text on screen.)
That's good. Shame you didn't get
the girl.
      (Text on screen.)
Yeah, well you win some you lose
some. It was way past time to move
on though. I really held myself
back clinging to what might have
been, now I'm finally moving
forward again.
The bottom of the message window reads that Brandon is
writing a message. A.J. peeks up and sees a beautiful girl
walking toward him to his left. He smiles at her and she
smiles back, but she keeps walking by.
      (Text on screen.)
Sorry man, I gotta go.
A.J. closes his notebook, gets up and gives chase to the
Wait up!
She doesn't acknowledge his yell. But, he catches up and
gets in front of her.
Hello, My name's A.J. and I'm the
only man you'll ever have to meet.
She laughs at him and keeps walking. He walks along side of
Confident much?
That was a bit pretentious wasn't


Just a touch.
She she stops and puts her hand up doing the little bit
sign. following suit A.J. stops.
Well, maybe I have reason to be.
Is that so?
Well, what's your name?
Veronica that's a pretty name.
Thank you.
Well, Veronica I'm headed out for
lunch. If you want to know if I
really have reason to be
pretentious I suggest you come
with me. Question is, are you
ready to meet the most legendary
man you will ever meet?
Veronica giggles, then smiles.
Okay Captain Confidence, I'll go.
Great, I'm parked out this way.
He points in the opposite direction. They turn and walk back
the way they came.
So where are you taking me?
That's for me to know and you to
find out.


Didn't think it all the way
through, huh?
A.J. laughs.
Not sure I gave any of this
Do you even have a car?
According to Google maps it's
3,011 miles from Boston,
Massachusetts to Sacramento,
California. Longer if you get
detoured. But it's a small
distance to travel for a new
                                         FADE OUT
Right, you want to know what
happened to Francis. He was right
about Air Marshal Hottie, and they
are a happy couple. Sort of.
Air Marshal Lydia McGee is on top of Francis having sex in a
bed, covers on top of them. She rolls off of him, they're
both exhausted.
                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
That was incredible.
That it was.
There is movement between them, moving up toward them under
the covers. Jennifer Hathaway's head comes out of the
                       JENNIFER HATHAWAY
You can say that again. Ready to


                       AIR MARSHAL LYDIA MCGEE
Yeah, unless Francis needs a
Nope, I'm always good to go.


Back to Top of Page
Leave Feedback
From Jeremy Goodlander Date 8/7/2008 **
Ok, for one, this is way too short. Secondly you have a ton of misspellings and errors. And third, all of your characters are characters we have seen before. It's a concept we have seen before, there are too many bailout scenes where your main chacater puts up a fight and then all of a sudden says ok. I'm not sure if your going for screwball comedy here, are you? This has a lot of holes, it really needs to be polished up some.

From Baily Briggs Date 7/25/2008 **
Eric, The story itself, the slackers going cross country and the obstacles they have to face were good. There are several spelling/grammatical errors that need to be fixed. I also thought the character development between the two friends was a little lacking. They seemed to be more like the same person than two distinctly different characters. With that said, I really liked Amadeus. It's not a bad script, just needs a bit of polish. Please feel free to email me for more precise notes. Keep up the good work.

Back to Top of Page
Leave Feedback
You must be logged in to leave feedback.
Home    My Account    Products    Screenwriter Community    Screenwriter's Corner    Help
Forgot Your Password?    Privacy Policy    Copyright 2023, ScriptBuddy LLC.    Email help@scriptbuddy.com