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The Misadventures of Moxie - Episode 001 "Pilot"
by Baily Briggs (bailybriggs@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Accident-prone and second date eschewing Moxie Jones is looking for love. Her family is a little nutty, her blind dates are disasters, and her friends are her saving grace.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


MOXIE JONES, 25, is sprawled across her bed. Her bedroom is
sort of a mess. On her bedside table is an alarm clock, a
few books, and her cell phone. The phone lights up and
chirps loudly. She struggles, in a half-awake stupor to
find the source of the noise. She knocks her alarm clock
off the nightstand before she comes across her cell phone
and answers.
      (In a groggy voice)
                       MOM (VO)
      (over the phone)
This is your mother. Are you up
and at 'em?
      (Still groggy)
                       MOM (VO)
      (over the phone)
It's 9:30 in the morning. I'll be
at your house in 45 minutes. Get
up and get dressed. Grandma's
coming too, so try and put on a
little lipstick.
Ok, ok I'm up.
TERESA HART, (Mom) is driving. EDNA JONES (Grandma) is
riding shot gun and Moxie is in the back seat.
So, we're getting you a new outfit
Yeah? You do know an outfit
includes shoes.


You need a new pair of shoes like
you need a hole in your head.
Thanks Grandma. So, what's the
occasion Mom?
You have a date tonight.
No I don't. I'm going out with
the guys tonight.
He's a completely nice young man.
You need a new dress to wear.
He'll pick you up at 8.
      (clearly beyond
What?! I told you. No more blind
It would be rude to cancel so
Rude? How about hijacking my
weekend plans? Isn't that a
little rude? Oh, and let's not
forget the last blind date.
Moxie and her date LANCE ALEXANDER are sitting at a table.
Moxie has ordered something rather spicy from the menu. She
is picking out the spicy red peppers and putting them on a
smaller plate.
Why are you doing that?
Doing what?


What are those things? Why won't
you eat them?
They're peppers. Very hot
peppers. I won't eat them because
I don't like to set my tastebuds
on fire.
I betcha I can eat one.
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
They're really hot.
I bet you'd be impressed if I
could eat one and not even make a
Impressed isn't exactly the word
that comes to mind.
Oh yeah? Does the word "hot" come
to mind?
Lance eats a whole red pepper.
      (screaming like a
Oh my God, my mouth is on fire.
LANCE grabs a pitcher of water and downs it in three gulps.
Then, he looks across the table worriedly at Moxie.
Oh no. Were there mushrooms in
that dish?
Moxie nods her head yes.
What? Why didn't you tell me? I'm
Lance runs to the bathroom.


He left me sitting there for
twenty minutes before I finally
called a cab and got the hell out
of there! This screams nightmare.
I'm not going through with this.
You can both forget it. No way.
No how.
Moxie, Mom and Grandma walk into a large department store.
You can tell by their ease they've been there several times
before. They walk straight to the dress department.
I can't believe I'm doing this.
Give me one good reason why I
should go through with this crazy
      (giving her a
       pointed look)
Because I said so. Honey, you're
right. The last blind date was,
well, it was awful. But, you're
sure not getting any younger.
Don't you want to find a nice man,
settle down and give me some
Nope. And besides, that's not a
good reason. It wasn't a good
reason when I was five, and it's
not a good reason at 25.
And yet, you'll still do it with a
smile on your face. Honey, look
at it this way. You're getting a
free dinner. He's taking you to
the Steakhouse.


I hate the Steakhouse. It's so
stuffy and snotty. It's just
overflowing with the yuppie
thirtysomething crowd. The people
that go there are the worst kind
of pretentious. Besides what if
he's cheap? I can't afford that
place by myself.
Grandma rummages through her purse while Mom and Moxie pick
out dresses to try on. She finds a hundred dollar bill and
hands it to Moxie.
      (trying to whisper
       quietly, but
       failing miserably)
Don't tell your Mom.
Mom and Moxie look at each other and roll their eyes.
The ladies walk though the store with bundles of clothes in
their hands. They pick the largest dressing room and all
three walk inside.
Moxie, Mom and Grandma are hanging dresses on the hooks
inside the dressing room. They each have quite a pile for
Moxie to try on, in all different styles and colors.
Moxie, what bra are you wearing?
I don't know. It was the first
one I grabbed this morning.
You know, proper underthings are
the key to a lady's overall
Well, I wasn't expecting to get
shanghaied into going on some lame
date, and on top of it, have to
try on dresses. Remember? Someone
didn't tell me that I had plans
for the night.


Suck it up Mox. You'll live.
Your boobs look like they're
suffering from depression.
Grandma starts to adjust Moxie in her bra.
What on earth are you doing? These
are my boobies! Oh no. No no no.
I know what you're thinking and I
won't do it.
Good lord, how do you expect to
get a date like that? I'm going
to the lingerie department.
Grandma leaves the dressing room.
      (calling after
But I hate trying on bras.
      (to Mom)
Well, this day just went from bad
to worse.
Keep trying on dresses. I'm going
to supervise your grandmother.
I'll try to make her pick out a
pretty one.
Mom leaves the dressing room.
Do you really think this is a good
Of course, I swear that girl pulls
the underwire out of her brasiers.
She's so pigheaded.


You know, you're right. I wonder
where on earth she could have
gotten that from...
Grandma gives Mom a withering look and holds up a bra. The
cups are almost pointy.
      (shaking her head)
Too Madonna.
Grandma holds up another and the cups are an ugly, stiff
      (shaking her head)
Too Maternity.
Grandma holds up yet another bra. The cups are somewhat
padded and maintain a very 40s aesthetic. They look like
rounded torpedoes.
      (shaking her head)
Too Hiroshima.
Maybe it will be different
underneath clothes.
Mom and Grandma begin throwing bras over the closed dressing
room door. Most of them look like your typical full figured
bras, i.e. black, white or nude in color, and the cups
somehow resemble torpedoes.

Moxie begins to try them on. First she fastens the clasps in
front, and then spins the bras around her body so she can
place herself in the cups.
      (from outside
       dressing room


None of these work, can you come
in and help me?
Mom opens the door. Moxie is exposed as she is in mid bra
Oh for crying out loud nobody's
Moxie tries to hurry and put the bra on properly. In her
rush, her hand slips as she is holding her right bra strap.
Her hand somehow propels towards her face and she hits
herself square in the nose. Hard. She begins to cry.
Oh my god!
Oh my god.
      (yelling to
Mom, you have to come see this.
      (to Moxie)
Did you hit yourself in the nose?
Moxie's nose begins gushing blood. She screams in terror as
Mom rifles through her purse for a Kleenex. As Moxie looks
down at the offending garment, blood starts to pour all over
the Hiroshima bra.
Be careful Moxie! You're getting
blood everywhere!
A large crowd gathers around the dressing room door. The
crowd includes Grandma, other shoppers, and sales ladies.
      (yelling to the
       dressing room
What happened?


Moxie hit herself in the nose.
Grandma throws the door to the dressing room open.
Grandma! Close the door!
Oh heavens to betsey. Don't think
you're getting yourself out of
tonight's date young lady.
I didn't do it on purpose! It
really hurts.
Moxie exits the dressing room with her head held back to
help stop the gushing flow of blood.
Oh dear. I'm sorry but you're
going to have to pay for that bra.
What? I'm bleeding. I should
sue! It's the bras fault. The
straps were too tight and the bra
is so ugly!
Hmm. Your mother's right. That
bra does make your boobs look like
nuclear warheads.
      (to the saleslady)
Don't worry. We'll pay for the
      (to Moxie)
Go in the dressing room and put
your clothes back on. I'm hungry.
We're going to lunch.
I'm STILL bleeding here!
So, Mexican or Chinese today?
You two are impossible!


Mom, Grandma, and Moxie are leaving the store. They are
each holding several shopping bags.
Well, today has just sucked.
Don't say that.
Well, I'm sorry, but today pretty
much sucked.
You know I think that's crude. A
lady doesn't say suck.
Look at it this way. Today can't
get any worse.
Ugh. I'm going to need back up.
sitting in her apartment watching TV. The group are all
about the same age. FORBES is a handsome black man. He's
sarcastic and witty. WILL can best be described as an
unlikely ladies man. He's short and wears glasses. BEN is
always meticulously put together. Even just hanging out in
the apartment, his shirt is pressed and his shoes are
So, there you have it. My family
is nuts, but they mean well. I
guess you can say they put the fun
in dysfunction. Meet the other
part of my family. These are my
boys. We've been there for each
other through thick and thin.
So, the folks pulled the whole
bait and switch on ya, huh?


                       MOXIE (VO)
This is Forbes. He's the athlete
of the group. He's also usually
the voice of reason. That is, if
reason were extremely sarcastic
and a Yankee to boot.
So, does this mean our plans of
drunken debauchery are out for the
                       MOXIE (VO)
That's Will...the artist. He's an
actor and if his stories are to be
believed, he's the most,
um...experienced...of the rest of
us mere mortals combined.
So, where is this alleged date
taking you?
                       MOXIE (VO)
And this is Ben. We should
probably be married, but he likes
boys too. He's the engineer of
the group, which basically means
he can get me cable for free.
      (to the boys in
Yeah, they totally duped me.
Not necessarily, and he's taking
me to the Steakhouse.
Ooh fancy. I bet he's expecting
to get laid the first night.
Ew. There's a word for girls who
trade sex for favors.
Like every other girl out there?


Look. I would love to get out of
this, but Mom would freak if I
just canceled. So, I guess I'll
suffer through, come up with some
excuse, and meet y'all at the bar.
What if we were to save you?
Yeah, we could help you come up
with some excuse to get out of the
Sure. We could cause some sort of
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no. You
boys are going to get me in
trouble again. Remember the last
time you guys had an awesome plan?
Ben is just beaming. He looks like he is absolutely having
the time of her life.
This is the best birthday ever!!
The foursome are seated next to each other in tattoo parlor
      (to Moxie,
       resigned to his
Hang tough man. C'mon it's his
Forbes pats Will on the back, and he lurches forward in the
bulky suit, causing him to scowl even more.
Can I just get a piercing instead?
We know this is permanent right?


I HATE this.
I LOVE this! Oh my gosh, we
should do this every year!
Oh, come on guys. I just have to
get ready. It won't be that bad
right? Oh who am I kidding? I'm
going to meet a complete
At the most expensive restaurant
in town...
      (ignoring Will)
but what if he's a complete
psycho? There has got to be a way
out of this.
Don't you worry your pretty head
there little lady. We'll be your
The Steakhouse does have a nice
bar. And a cute bartender.
Yeah, we'll have a few drinks. Get
to savor a first date meltdown in
      (giving Forbes the
       evil eye dog eyes)
Shut up Forbes.
If he's a complete psycho, I can
beat him up for you. And Will
could help.


Wait, Will could what?
And Moxie and I can make a break
for it. See, the trick is just
being faster than your dumbass
friends who started the fight.
Look, I've got it. Okay. I've
been thinking about this since you
ruined our plans.
Forbes, what do they call it in
sports when they make funny faces
at each other?
Trash talking?
No. The other thing.
You mean hand signals?
      (the rest of the
       guys look at her
What? I watch baseball for the
exact same reason I still go to
the rodeo with Mom and Dad.
Ooh. Tight pants.
Yeah, signals. Moxie, you just be
your normal sweet self.
BEN laughs and Moxie makes an obscene gesture at him.
And Ben? I need you to be the


Honey, you know I'm a voyeur, but
do I really have to watch her self
destruct on this date? I hate
being the lookout.
Aw crap. Does this mean I have to
be the DD too?
Well, I need to be getting drunk
right about now.
No, I think I want to keep my
clothes on tonight.
Damn. I was hoping she had
forgotten that Jose Cuervo is a
Well, what happens if he's you
know...cute? Like he's normal and
handsome and financially stable?
Do you smoke crack for fun? He
allowed my mother to set us up on
a date.
Please don't ever tell your mom I
said this, but she's kind of,
well, intimidating. I mean, if
she told me to jump I'd ask 'how
high?' while I was still in the
She's not that scary.
Yeah she is.
Most definitely agreed.


Ok then, my blind date has no
balls. And neither do any of you.
I don't want someone who can't
stand up to my mother.
Yeah, like you did such a great
What's that supposed to mean?
I think what Forbes is trying to
say is...Well, sweetie, what did
you want to do tonight?
Well, my plans were to go out with
And what are you going to do
Ok, ok, so you're right. You're
absolutely correct. I don't have
any guts at all.
The Steakhouse is like a man's dream. The decor consists of
dark wood paneling and large plush chairs. The bar is
separated from the dining room by a lobby. Moxie's blind
date KYLE JOHNSON, is sitting on a bar stool when she walks
Hi, you must be Moxie.
Kyle gets up from his bar stool. He's a few inches shorter
than Moxie. He isn't bad looking, but he's certainly no
Hi there. It's nice to meet you.
Kyle, right?


Yes indeed. Shall we go to our
Sure. Thanks.
Moxie and Kyle are led to their table.
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm an accountant. A CPA
actually. I'm usually very busy,
but I'm glad I could fit you in.
Your mother didn't do you justice
describing you. You're a very
beautiful woman.
Why thank you.
Yeah, but I love accounting. I
just bought my own house, and a
new car. I'm looking for someone
who appreciates the finer things
in life. You know, someone who
knows how to entertain, and will
be a good mother.
Not that it matters much. I plan
on hiring a nanny. I don't want
my wife to have to do anything.
Oh no?
Of course not. Don't be silly.
The sommelier comes over to the table.


Excuse me sir, have you had a
chance to look over the wine list?
Oh no. Just bring me the house's
finest bottle of Merlot.
The sommelier bustles away from the table. Moxie tries to
catch Ben's eye. Unfortunately, he's checking out the
Do you like Merlot?
Well yeah, sure. I'm actually
more of a...
Yeah, I love wine. I just got
back from Napa. Have you been to
the Wine Country.
Well no. Like I was saying I'm
actually more...
Oh, we have to go. I'll take you.
How about October? That's the
best time to go. I'll just call
my travel agent and set things up.
No. That's not necessary. We
just met. I think it's a little
too soon to..
Kyle's cell phone rings.
Uh oh. This is one of my biggest
clients. I have to take this.
      (into the phone)
Talk to me.
Excuse me one moment.


Kyle waves her away. Moxie gets up and heads towards the
restrooms. On her way, she grabs Ben by the ear and pulls
him towards the bathroom.
You are supposed to be my lookout.
Sorry sweetie, but have you seen
the ass on that som-momma-lear?
It's sommelier. And no. My date
is awful. All he wants to do is
talk about himself!
God, I know! It's all about you
tonight. I bought new shoes to
come here.
Moxie gives Ben a withering look.
Where are Will and Forbes?
Ben points to the other side of the bar. Will and Forbes
are flirting with two hot chicks, and drinking Scotch.
Why are you letting them drink
like that?
We can't afford the food here.
Ok, well I've got to get back to
my table. Please just watch for
the signal.
Ok, no problem. What's the signal
Oh for the love of God. When I
pull on my ear, please send Will
in to rescue me.
Moxie walks back to the table where the Date seems to be
finishing up his phone call.


      (on the phone)
So, I say to the guy, I just saved
you a million dollars.
      (laughing, still
       on the phone)
Ok, well the beautiful woman with
me is coming back to the table.
Just come see me at my office.
      (to Moxie)
Well hello gorgeous. Was there a
line at the ladies room?
      (under her breath)
Why not?
So, where was I?
      (with thinly
       veiled sarcasm)
You were talking about yourself.
Oh yeah. Well, I think October in
Napa would be great. Maybe I
should take you to a beach first.
Oh yeah? Why's that?
To show you off.
Moxie tries again to catch Ben's eye, but again he is
checking out the waitstaff, the patrons, the sommelier,
basically every handsome and well to do man in the place.
The waiter comes up to the table.
May I take your order?
I'll have the ribeye, medium rare.
And for the lady?


She'll have the lamb.
No, actually. I don't like lamb.
I'll have the bacon wrapped filet,
medium, and can I add a lobster
      (smirking at Kyle)
Absolutely madam.
Oh! And a Scotch. Preferably
single malt. On the rocks. Do you
have Oban?
Excellent choice madam. Will the
14 be fine?
It's my favorite.
You know, usually the gentleman
orders for the lady in
establishments of this caliber.
I'm so sorry. But I'm allergic to
Well see, that's why it's good to
go on dates. You learn important
information about your significant
The waiter brings Moxie her Scotch. She downs it in one
gulp and hands it to the waiter.
My, I had no idea you were so fond
of Scotch.


Moxie just smiles and begins to tug on her ear.
Is something wrong with you ear
Huh? Oh no. My earring is just
So, what do you think about the
plans for our trip?
Oh well, I'm not sure if I can
take the time off work.
Why don't you put in your notice?
I'll pay for your apartment until
the lease runs out. Then you can
move in with me.
Don't you think you're moving a
little too fast?
You don't make senior partner by
25 if you don't know how to go
after what you want. And I want
Moxie is now tugging on her ear so hard it might come clear
Oh well, this is all going a
little too fast for me.
Well, you like me, don't you? I
mean your mother sure seems to be
fond of me.
You're right. I should call her
right now and thank her, for
setting me up on such a great
date! Excuse me.


Moxie gets up and hurries towards the bathroom. On her way,
she hits Ben on the back of the head, and pulls him from
flirting with the bartender.
Send. Will. In. To. Save. Me. Now.
Ok, ok, no need to get huffy.
So, Moxie's getting huffy and she
needs to be saved.
What, now? Has she even gotten
her food yet?
No, and she might actually kick
his ass.
                       HOT GIRL 1
Who's Moxie?
                       HOT GIRL 2
And why do you have to save her?
She's our best friend, and she's
on a blind date.
                       HOT GIRL 2
Oh, say no more.
                       HOT GIRL 1
Yeah, we understand. What are you
guys doing after this?
Oh, we're not sure. We'll
probably go to Sully's. I tell
you what...I'll stay here and get
the girl's numbers and Will, it's
showtime for you darlin. Make me
Yeah, go get em tiger.


So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a filmmaker. I've done
Oh, well the real money is in
feature films. My dad and I
invested in this movie that was
just shot here. I just got to go
to the wrap party. All the big
celebs were there. We should see
a 300 per cent return on our
Will walks up to the table and does a huge double take.
Moxie? What are you doing here?
Who are you friend?
Who am I? Who am I? Who are you?
You're the one trying to steal my
      (to Moxie)
Is this true?
I'll show you it's true.
Will pulls Moxie up from the table and gives her a big
sloppy kiss. She pulls away and whispers something to Will.
I hate it when you improvise.
Watch this.
Will picks up a glass and pours water all over Kyle. He
grabs Moxie's hand and pulls her out of the door.


Ben and Forbes are already in the car laughing their heads
off. Moxie and Will slide into the backseat.
      (to Will)
I told you not to make a scene!
      (to the others)
Did you two know about this?
      (howling with
Oh you guys should have seen it.
The look on that dude's face was
So, darling did you enjoy the
Yeah Will, I can't think of a
reason why you would just throw
that in.
Shut up! I can't believe you did
that Will! My mom"s gonna kill
Come on Mox, would you ever even
consider a second date with that
Well, no. I guess not. But
that's not the point. My mom is
going to kill me.
Yeah, I'd be scared too.
My mom's not that scary!
Moxie's cell phone rings.
For the record, I had nothing to
do with this.


Hmm, news travels fast doesn't it
It was still worth it.
Shh. Y'all I've gotta answer this
before she calls the cops and
reports me as a missing person
      (on the phone)
                                         CUT TO
What is wrong with you? I can't
believe you didn't tell me you had
a boyfriend.
                       MOXIE (VO)
      (on the phone)
Well he was just so incredibly
self centered and wait, what?
Are you and Will really an item? I
can't believe you kept it from me.
Are you two having sex?
      (on the phone)
Mom! I've got to go. I'll call
you tomorrow.
                                         CUT TO
      (to the boys)
She thinks Will and I are dating.


The boys are in good spirits and are laughing easily over
drinks. Moxie, on the other hand, looks sick to her
I can't believe Mom would actually
believe I had a boyfriend and
didn't tell her.
We'll figure it out sweetie. Drink
your medicine. It's margarita
flavored and it heals all wounds.
So worth it.
Forbes looks at him and shakes his head.
What? It was definitely worth it.
I'd like to propose a toast.
Forbes, Will and Ben raise their glasses. Moxie hesitates.
Ben grabs her hand and puts it in the air.
Here's to another crazy plan gone
terribly, terribly wrong.
Went right for me.
Here here!
Look under the table Forbes.
Forbes leans down.
Are you shooting me the finger?
      (nodding her head)
Yeah, I am. But you know what?
I'd rather have the whole uppity
restaurant think I'm some sort of
floozy, than have that guy think


                       MOXIE (cont'd)
he can ever call me again.
To happy endings! They're not
just for massage parlors anymore!
The four finally clink their glasses.


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From Andrew Mullen Date 7/27/2008 ***
I thought this was generally a good script with potential to become an entertaining sitcom. The dressing room scene is the strongest part. However, some of the humor in the later scenes is a bit stale -- the self-centered blind date, the guys' being distracted, etc. Will's "rescue" seems a little rushed, too. I think peppering Moxie's narration throughout the script would greatly improve it; she could make snarky comments about the proceedings which would increase the humor and provide more opportunity to develop her character. Since she's the focus of the show, she needs to be fleshed out the most. Overall, a good effort with good potential.

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