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Ichabod Ichabod, Biblical Hostage Negotiator
by Ron Southan (lmn12@verizon.net)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Short satrical skit of the Bible story of Abraham and Issac.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



ICHABOD ICHABOD, BIBLICAL HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR

FADE IN:

EXT. DESERT - DAY
                                                            
                       NAR
In this desert there lived the man
Abraham, who often heard the voice
of his god speak to him. One day
his god said "Take your son, your
only son Isaac, whom you love, and
go to the land of Moriah, and
offer him there as a burnt
offering upon one of the mountains
of which I shall tell you."
So Abraham cut the wood for the
offering and took two men to
accompany him and Isaac close to
the place of sacrifice.
                                                            
The camera finds two men talking, Ichabod Ichabod and
Seymour.
                                                            
                       SEY
Well, where do you think he's
taking us this time?
                                                            
                       ICA
It won't be out to get some ham
hocks I can tell you that! Was his
mothered scared by a wild boar
when she was pregnant with him or
what?
                                                            
                       SEY
I'm going to have to go on this
jorney and listen to you talk
about pork all day? Again?
                                                            
                       ICA
All I'm saying is once I'd like to
wake up to the smell of bacon
frying that's all.
It's bad enough to work for a man
who hears voices in his head but
why do they have to tell him to
burn meat to a crisp and never
touch swine?
I'd settle for a medium rare lamb
chop at this point.
In fact, I'd revel in it!
                                                            

2.

                       NAR
On the third day Abraham lifted up
his eyes and saw the place afar
off.
He and Isaac went the rest of the
way alone.
Then Abraham said to his young
men, "Stay here with the ass; I
and the lad will go yonder and
worship, and come again to you."
And Abraham took the wood of the
burnt offering, and laid it on
Isaac his son; and he took in his
hand the fire and the knife. So
they went both of them together.
                                                            
                       ICA
Now what are we supposed to do? A
circle jerk with just the two of
us?
                                                            
                       SEY
      (tring to calm
       down Ichabod)
Just wait here like he said.
They'll be back.
Anyway, maybe some girls will walk
by.
                                                            
                       ICA
      (laughing)
What! Out here! You must have sun
stroke already! Some hot babe
wearing a black tent with eyeslits
is going to come out here? We
couldn't be that lucky.
                                                            
Ichabod and Seymour kick some rocks around and throw some at
a tree.
                                                            
                       SEY
I wonder what they're going to
sacrifice? They didn't bring
anything with them did they?
                                                            
Ichabod drops a stone and looks off into the direction of
Abraham.
                                                            
                       ICA
Hey! I think that's "Pig Mountain"
they're going to! I'll bet they're
going to catch a boar and have a
barbeque! And we're not invited!
                                                            

3.

                       SEY
You think that voice in his head
sent him to "Pig Mountain" for
dinner?
                                                            
                       ICA
I think it gave him a recipe for
bacon wraped chops fried pork
skins! Let's follow him and see
what's going on.
                                                            
Sey and Ica start following Abraham.
                                                            
 
EXT. TOP OF MOUNTAIN - DAY
                                                            
Sey and Ica are behind a rock watching Abe and Isa
                                                            
                       ICA
What's that loony old man up to
now?
                                                            
                       SEY
I can't see a pig anywhere.
                                                            
                       ICA
He must be going to sacrifice
something. It's not like a good
piece of meat is scarce enough but
he has to burn some to satisfy the
voice in his head.
                                                            
                       SEY
You know what? I think that crazy
old coot is going to kill his own
kid!
                                                            
Ica stands up on the rock to look. The sun is low in the sky
directly behind Ica making him a silhouette.
                                                            
                       NAR
Abraham built an altar there, and
laid the wood in order, and bound
Isaac his son, and laid him on the
altar, upon the wood.
Then Abraham put forth his hand,
and took the knife to slay his
son.
                                                            
                       ICA
      (waving his arms
       like wings)
Abraham! Abraham!
                                                            

4.

Abe turns toward the sun and squinting, see the silhouette
of Ica waving his arms.
                                                            
                       ABE
Here am I!
                                                            
                       ICA
      (Angrily)
Do not harm your son!
                                                            
                       ABE
Be though the archangel Gabrial?
                                                            
                       ICA
      (whispers to
       Seymour)
I've worked for him for five
years. Now I'm an angel.
                                                            
                       ICA
      (in a now booming
       voice)
Yes, tis I, the angel Gabriel.
Points to you for recogonizing me!
                                                            
                       ABE
But if I do not kill my son, how
will my Lord God know that I love
him?
                                                            
                       SEY
      (whispers to Ica)
This old loony is starting to
scare me now.
                                                            
                       ICA
      (loudly)
The lord sent me to tell you that
he knows you love him and that you
don't have to kill your son to
prove it.
                                                            
                       SEY
      (whispers)
Nicely done.
                                                            
                       ICA
      (whispers)
Should I tell him pork is now ok?
                                                            
                       SEY
      (whispers)
Don't push your luck.
                                                            

5.

                       ICA
      (loudly)
In fact, you can sacrifice the
next wild animal you see and you
don't have to burn it to a crisp.
Your lord wants you to save fuel
by just cooking the meat till it's
still juicy on the inside.
                                                            
Abe starts untying his son.
                                                            
                       ABE
      (softly to himself)
I guess that makes sense.
                                                            
Ica ducks back behind the rock. Off in the distance can be
heard some wild boars grunting.
                                                            
                       ICA
      (to Sey)
You can stay here if you want but
I sense my future is in pork
bellies!
                                                            
Ica draws a knife and runs off. Seconds later the sound of a
pig squealing is heard.
                                                            
                       NAR
Return next week for the further
adventure of Ichabod Ichabod,
Biblical Hostage Negotiator!
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Kevin Isaacson Date 8/18/2008 **1/2
I like the idea. It had a Mel Brooks flavor to it. It feels like a part of something bigger instead of just a stand alone script. Continue with the idea.

From adam shalit Date 8/18/2008 ***1/2
good stuff, just need to work on it a little bit more.

From David Chase Date 8/11/2008 ***
I'll give this a 3 because I like the idea, and I found it pretty amusing. The structure is pretty sound as well. I'd really like to see the envelope pushed a little more, maybe make it more outrageous (even a little blasphemous, but be careful). This could easily be made into a longer work. As I read it, I couldn't help picturing "History of The World, Part 1". I'd almost suggest going in that kind of direction, with the screwball comedy.


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