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by Josh Barbee (fleshofthewicked@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
When Deacon met Milo, he couldn't imagine having a better friend...

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.

MILO sits in front of a computer, confined within the walls
of his cubicle.

His thumb presses the power button in the bottom corner of
the monitor.

The monitor lights up.
A window pops up, prompting to input a username and
Milo types away at the keyboard, but quickly realizes
nothing is happening on the screen.

He checks the keyboard's wire to make sure it is plugged in.

It is, but he unplugs and plugs it back in just to be safe.

A power light at the top of the keyboard lights up,
indicating a successful connection.

Milo begins to type again...
Still, nothing happens. The cursor blinks in the username
space, unmoving.
Milo looks at the keyboard, confused.

His finger taps the CAPS LOCK key.

A second light on the keyboard appears, indicating CAPS LOCK
is on.

Milo hits the key again, turning the CAPS LOCK off.

He types...


Milo contemplates his next move for a moment, staring at the
screen ahead with a blank expression on his face.

Seconds later, Milo relieves his frustration by picking up
his keyboard and slamming it down hard on the desk.

NATALIE, who sits in the next row over, watches him from her
Mornin', Milo.
Milo is startled by the sound of his name. He turns to look
at her.
Hey, Natalie. You have a good
Better than yours from the looks
of it. Computer problems?
Behind Milo, a man sit down in an unoccupied chair near the
closed door to the manager's office. His name is DEACON.
The goddamn thing won't work. The
keyboard isn't...keying.
Deacon gets a LAUGH caught in his throat as he overhears
Milo's statement.

Milo looks back at him.
      (To Milo)
Sorry. Didn't mean to eavesdrop.
Here for an interview.
A WOMAN in a cubicle near Deacon looks over at him.
                       CUBICLE WOMAN
      (To Deacon)
Excuse me? Did you say something?
      (To woman)
I was talking to him.
The woman ducks back into her cubicle.


Don't mind her. She's a nosey
Deacon is amused, but a little anxious at this statement as
he looks over to the woman to make sure she hadn't heard.

She hadn't.

The manager's door opens. The office MANAGER steps out,
looking to Deacon.
Deacon, right?
Deacon shoots up in his seat and shakes the man's hand
Yes, sir. That's me. Nice to meet
Likewise. Come inside.
                       MILO (O.S.)
Good luck.
Deacon turns to give Milo a small wave of gratitude as he
enters the office before the manager.

Milo looks back to Natalie.
Doesn't stand a chance.
Natalie nearly LAUGHS out loud, but manages to hold most of
it in.

The manager's door closes.
The clock on the wall reads 10:00.

Milo sits at his desk, looking like he is trying to stay
awake. He sits up in his chair, rubbing his eyes and turns
to Natalie, who is hard at work typing.
I'm breaking. You wanna come with?


Can't. Conference call in five.
I'll meet up with you for lunch
though, kay?
Milo gives her a wink and a thumbs up before leaving his
Milo stands on the sidewalk outside the front entrance to
the building, smoking a cigarette.

Deacon exits the building and spots Milo immediately.
Hi there.
Yo, interviewee. How goes it?
Good, good. The interview went
well, I think. He hired me, so
that's always a good sign.
Way to go.
Thanks. Milo, right?
Milo seems curious but not enough to really care.
Yeah, how'd you know?
Oh, I saw your name on your desk
before. I'm Deacon.
They shake hands.
Nice to meet you. Smoke?
No, I don't. I was never cool
enough to pull off the smoker
look. I gotta get back in anyhow.
Just came out to call my sister.
Give her the news. They want me to


                       DEACON (cont'd)
start training today.
That's quick. What position?
Deacon pulls a cell phone from his pocket.
Senior processor.
Oh, nice. That's what I do.
Neat. There's usually only one of
those. Maybe we'll work together.
Deacon waves goodbye as he walks off to make his call in

Milo replays the conversation in his head while his takes
another drag of his cigarette...

Then it hits him.
Oh, what the fuck!
Milo throws the still lit cigarette to the ground before
angrily heading back inside.
Deacon sits eagerly in the chair outside the manager's
office. He listens uncomfortably to an ARGUMENT taking place
behind the closed door.

After a while, Milo storms out of the office, slamming the
door behind him hard enough that it knocks a decorative
photo off the wall.

The glass in the frame cracks as it hits the carpet at
Deacon's feet.

Deacon stands to pick the picture frame up and sets it down
on the chair. He follows Deacon back to his desk.


I'm so sorry, man. I had no idea I
was taking your job.
Milo empties a box a papers to the floor and gathers his
belongings into it.
Appreciate that, Deac, but not
really in the mood to socialize.
Do me a favor? When the girl who
sits over there gets back, tell
her to call me.
Deacon looks over to Natalie's unoccupied desk.
Sure. No problem.
Milo storms out, box in hand.
Sorry, again.
Deacon stands alone at Milo's desk.

The woman from before peers oddly at him over her cubicle
Deacon stands outside, waiting on the sidewalk.

A small, red car pulls up to the curb. The woman driving is
IZZY, Deacon's sister.

Deacon opens the passenger side door and gets in.
Deacon and Izzy have a meal across from each other at the
kitchen table.

A bottle of beer sits near Izzy's plate while Deacon's
beverage is a glass of red wine.
How was it?


It's good. The peppers give it
that extra "Ungh".
You mean "Oompf"?
What did I say?
No noise I've ever heard. I wasn't
talking about the food, anyhow. I
said "how WAS it" not "how is it".
And why would I ask how YOU liked
something YOU cooked?
Thought you didn't have anything
else to talk about. So, what was
the question?
Work. How was work?
It was okay. The job itself isn't
hard, and there're some cute
Deacon takes a sip of wine.
Ooh, should I tell mom she can
expect a grandchild soon, so she
stops hounding me?
Deacon gives an embarrassed CHUCKLE, nearly spitting out a
mouthfull of the wine he just consumed.
I didn't ask any of them to marry
Did you talk to anyone? Make some
new friends?


...Not exactly. Got pretty close
though. Why didn't you ask me any
of this in the car on the way
Didn't want to not have anything
to talk about.
Deacon and Izzy go back to eating their respective dinners,
going nearly two awkward minutes without a word to each
So...how is it?
Deacon looks at her in silence, rather than repeat the thing
about the peppers.
Deacon enters the building, and making his way to his new
desk, notices the picture Milo had broken the day before
restored and back in its place on the wall.
Huh, they fixed it.
Deacon sits at his desk and immediately gets to work.

His desk phone RINGS.

He answers.
      (into phone)
Deacon Mosby, senior processor.
                       MILO (V.O.)
Milo Rickman. Unemployed.
Milo yesterday Milo?
                       MILO (V.O.)
No. Rickman. I JUST said it. Hey,
what're you doing?
Nothing. Just doing, you know...


                       MILO (V.O.)
My job?
Sort of.
                       MILO (V.O.)
Don't worry about it. I'm over it.
You busy later? Meet me at Scones
on Brighton Blvd.
Deacon hears the CLICK almost immediately.
Deacon stands in the middle of what appears to be an ice
cream store. He looks around once, not seeing Milo amongst
                       MILO (O.S.)
Deacon turns in the direction of the voice to see Milo
sitting at a lone table in the corner.

Milo is eating frozen yogurt from a Styrofoam cup when
Deacon sits down across from him.
Hey, I didn't see you there.
There was some fat bitch sitting
with me. You should have seen her
inhale this waffle cone. Thought I
was going to lose an arm. I
fucking hate people who sit at
tables with strangers.
It's almost as bad as when someone
you don't know sits next to you in
a movie. What's up with that?
I don't know, JERRY. What is up
with that? Aren't you due back at
the diner? George and Elaine must
be going mad wondering where you


                       MILO (cont'd)
Deacon doesn't look like he knows whether to be amused or
offended. He looks back at the menu on the wall.
I'm not sure what I should get.
He looks back at what Milo is eating.
That looks good. What is that,
brownie in there?
Milo scoops two final bites into his mouth quickly and
pushes the cup aside.
Yeah. It was awesome. Come on,
let's get out of here.
Deacon's face reads "What the hell", but he leaves right
behind Milo nonetheless.
Milo walks, cigarette in mouth, while Deacon attempts to
keep up.
You know, when you invited me out,
I thought it'd be to a bar or
And then afterwards start a club
where we beat the hell out of each
other? It's been done.
You know they don't even sell
scones at that place? Either
change your name, or change your


It's actually short for "Sweet
Cones". Doesn't have anything to
do with scones at all.
What are you talking about?
The name of the ice cream place.
It used to be called Sweet Cones
back in the fifties. But due to
fear of sounding sexist or in an
attempt to remain hip, or both, I
suppose, they shortened it to
S'Cones. Ess apostrophe, then
The fuck is wrong with you? I
don't give a shit if it used to be
called Big Wet Vag, if you name
your store after a food, sell that
fucking food! I'd eat at Big Wet
Vag though. Assuming that was on
the menu.
Deacon stops.

Milo stops as well, turning back to look at him with
What happened? You got a cramp or
Hey, Milo, I appreciate the
invite, but you're sort of...
Pissed and acting like an asshole?
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. I have
this underlying hatred for you as
the guy who took my job, but I
know realistically it isn't your
fault. I've got a gun loaded with
rage in my hand and nothing to
hunt, so I hunt you, and I
apologize for that.


Good. Let's go grab a beer.
Milo puts a friendly hand on Deacon's shoulder as they walk
side by side.
Milo and Deacon sit next to each other at the bar. They each
have a drink in front of them and look equally plastered.

The MUSIC from the jukebox practically drowns out the
I used to have a dog named Milo.
When I was a kid.
It's a good name.
Milo takes a drink, thinks something over, has another
I've never had anything named
Deacon before.
You have any family?
Nope. Only child, parents dead.
My parents are dead, too. Except
my mom. I have a sister though.
You know what I'd call her? Izzy.
Deacon looks overly excited to have something in common with
I do! I do call her Izzy! I call
her that!
They both CHEER (sort of) and CLANK glasses.


Did Natalie ever go back to work?
I talked to her, and she said it
wasn't right that they fired me...
It wasn't! Except I got a job out
of it.
                       MILO (cont'd)
...and that she was striking until
I got rehired. I told her "don't".
But you know women.
She did. She's striking, cause I
haven't seen her. I've never seen
Good for her! I hope she has money
put away, cause life's hard
without money. That's my motto.
The BARTENDER approaches the two men.
I'm pretty drunk. I think we've
had enough.
I think you've had enough.
      (To Bartender)
He just said that!
The bartender slides something to Deacon.
I'm cutting you off. Here's your
card back.
Deacon finishes his drink and grabs his credit card from the
under the bartender's hand.
I paid?
He looks at the card, perplexed.


Deacon exits the bar first, Milo behind him still carrying
his glass.
How'd you get out with that?
Milo stares at the glass in hand, realizing just now the he
has it.
They didn't even try and stop me.
I should have taken something
Like the jukebox.
Or the waitress.
They both LAUGH.

Milo throws the glass.

It smashes in the street.
Let's go to your sister's house.
They both walk off in opposite directions.
Deacon wakes up on the sofa. He smacks his lips at what
appears to be a horrible taste in his mouth.
                       IZZY (O.S.)
Tasting that vomit, are we?
Deacon sits up as Izzy sits down, dressed and hair wet fresh
from the shower, with a coffee cup in hand. She offers it to
Here. Drink this.
Milo waves the cup away.


I don't drink coffee.
It's not coffee. It's beer.
What? Why is it in a coffee cup?
Because, it's the morning. Drink
it. It'll help with the hangover.
I don't have a hangover.
Lucky you.
Izzy drinks it herself.

Milo comes into the living room from down the hall. He is
naked except for a towel around his waist, his hair also
shower fresh.
      (To Deacon)
Mornin' sunshine.
Deacon looks from freshly-showered Milo to freshly-showered
Izzy (who ignores Milo completely) and back to Milo again.
You didn't?
      (To Izzy)
Hey, Iz. I know you slept well.
Milo smiles and winks at her.

Deacon lunges at Milo from the couch, shoving him against
the wall.
Son of a bitch!
Deacon readies a good strong punch for Milo.

Izzy stands from the couch, startled by what is happening.


From Izzy's point of view, Deacon is standing alone, yelling
at the wall.

Deacon punches the wall as hard as he can.

Izzy flinches, in shock.

From Deacon's perspective, Milo is holding his face in pain,
blood gushing from his nose.
Ow! What the fuck!?!
Izzy rushes to Deacon.

The two of them are alone in the room now. She grabs
Deacon's "punchin' hand" and examines the bloody scrapes
along his knuckles.
What the christ, Deac? Look at
your hand.
Don't worry. The blood isn't mine.
The shit it's not! I just watched
you punch a hole in my goddamn
I punched a hole in your what?
Milo, again in front of Deacon, stands against the wall. His
face is clear of any blood or injury. He turns around to see
the massive blood-covered crack in the wall behind him.

In addition, he is completely dry, and dressed as well.
      (feels face)
Oh, thank god.
      (notices clothes)
When did I get dressed?
      (to Deacon)
Let's go to the kitchen and get
this looked at.
Izzy pulls Deacon with her towards the kitchen, walking
straight THROUGH Milo on her way, as if he isn't there.


Milo and Deacon SCREAM in horror at this sight of this.

Izzy jumps at the sound of Deacon's SCREAM and turns to look
back at him.
What? What is it? Did I hurt you?
Deacon looks from Milo to Izzy. Both he and Milo's faces are
white as ghosts.
      (to Izzy)
Uh...yes. Ouch.
Sorry. I didn't realize you were
in that much pain.
Yeah...maybe I should see a
Deacon and Milo stare at each other, worried.
Deacon pretends like everything is okay as he waves with his
bandaged hand out the open front door to Izzy who is driving
away in her car.

He shuts the door once she is out of sight and turns around,
startled to find Milo standing directly behind him.
Sorry! What the hell is happening
to me?
I don't know. Are you a...a ghost?
Oh my god, I'm a ghost!
Milo has a look of shock as if he believes this to be
absolutely true.


Milo sits at the computer. Deacon stands behind him.

Milo types away at the keyboard, watching the different
internet screens pop up.
There! Milo Rickman. Born 1977,
died 1993...holy crap, it's true.
What?! You're not even typing
Deacon, a confused look on his face, stares at that of a
blank computer screen.
The screen is indeed blank, and in fact, not even on.

The glass reflects only Deacon. Milo is nowhere in sight.
Milo stares at the blank screen in awe.
This must be witchcraft.
You're a ghost. You're seeing what
you want to see, when in reality,
you aren't doing anything. Like in
that Bruce Willis movie.
Die Hard?
Yes, like in the supernatural
thriller, Die Hard.
Milo gets up from the computer.
That is so depressing.
Deacon sits down and switches the computer on.


Milo looks extremely bored sitting in a chair in the corner
of the room, while Deacon, looking exhausted and tired as
hell, continues in his quest for any info he can find on the
I'm getting nothing on you here.
You're a hard man to find, Mr.
That, I don't think, is a quote
from any of the James Bonds.
It's in one of the books,
So, what? I just don't exist?
                       IZZY (O.S.)
Deac, you here?
Iz is home from work. We'll look
more tomorrow.
Deacon switches off the computer and exits the room.
Take your time. It's not like I'm
going anywhere.
Milo sits in the dark, staring across the room, lost in
Deacon and Izzy sit on opposite sides of the kitchen table,
having dinner.

At the head of the table, Milo, whom Izzy does not see, sits
with a plate of food in front of him.
You want to talk about what
happened today?


Not really. Sorry about your wall.
I'll fix it.
Don't worry about the wall. I'm
worried about you.
      (to Izzy)
Him? What about me? I'm the one
who's been dead the whole time!
      (to Deacon)
Tell her about the Die Hard thing.
Do you remember when you were a
kid and you had that puppy?
Right. Milo. The puppy.
I'd forgotten its name. Do you
remember what happened to Milo?
He got sick. Dad had to put him
Yes, and then a couple of years
later, Mom and Dad told you the
truth. You do remember, don't you?
Deacon smiles, though there is concern in his eyes.
How could I forget something like
It was so hard for them to explain
to a five year-old that the pet he
so desperately loved was a figment
of his imagination.
Milo's jaw drops.


What did she just say?
Uh, what? Figment?
I felt bad for them. I felt bad
for you, too. You cried for months
over the death of something that
never really existed to begin
with. I just don't know how I
would deal if you went through
that again.
Deacon just stares at his sister, in complete wonder of what
she's getting at.
What are you saying, Iz?
I guess I want to know...you're
not seeing Milo again, are you
It hits Deacon all at once.
No, of course not! I'm not crazy,
Isabel. Is that what you're asking
Izzy's eyes go to the empty place setting at the head of the
Then what's with the plate?
Milo looks down at his plate to see it is completely clean
with the fork sitting neatly next to it, as if never
Ah, dude. That's messed up.
Deacon stares at the empty plate in front of Milo,


Milo sits on the couch, having a bowl of cereal and watching

Deacon, having just woken up, enters the room.
Mornin'. Just watching some old
school Bugs Bunny. Oh wait, no I'm
Deacon notices the television is off.
That's alright though. At least I
still have this delicious bowl of
Milo shows his empty hands to Deacon. The bowl of cereal has

He stands up off the couch, outraged.
What the hell, Deacon? You thought
me up? I'm a figment of your
Why are YOU so mad? I'm the one
who's out of his mind.
No, I'M out of your mind. You're
just insane. I can't live like
this, knowing that I'm not real.
What am I supposed to do? When I
AM able to put you out of my mind,
so to speak, for five minutes, I
can imagine that I'm actually
doing something like eating or
watching television. But whenever
you're around, which apparently
has to be always since I can't
exist without you, it reminds me
that I'm make believe and so is
everything I'm doing. Which
doesn't make any sense since I
don't even have a brain to conjure
these things up with!


What do you want me to say?
You can't say anything. Think
something. Think I'm somewhere
else. Imagine I'm in Maui with a
beautiful woman and keep me there.
I...I'm not sure how to do that.
Not sure? You've been doing it.
You imagined you took my job. You
imagined I slept with your sister,
which if you ask me, is pretty
fucked up, and you're imagining
I'm stuck in your shitty apartment
with you complaining that I'm not
really in this shitty apartment
with you.
I'm not doing any of this on
purpose, you know. I don't know
how it works, and if it were up to
me, you wouldn't be here at all.
You think I want to be crazy? I'm
still trying to wrap my head
around this.
Then kill me.
Go in the kitchen and grab a
knife. Come back out here and
stick it in my chest.
That's idiotic. It won't work.
Besides, I wouldn't do it if it
You just said yourself I wouldn't
be here if it were up to you. It
is up to you, Deacon. Mur. Der.


Deacon remains quiet.
Fine, I'll do it myself.
Milo exits into the kitchen and returns with a knife.
Don't do that. It isn't going to
Let's find out.
Milo uses both hands to force the blade into his chest.

Deacon GASPS.

Milo is a little surprised as well. He drops to his knees,
the knife protruding from his bloody chest.
Oh God...
No! I won't let you!
Milo falls over onto the floor, dead.
Goddamn it, Milo! You're not dead!
Now get up!
Milo opens his eyes. He looks down at his chest to discover
the knife and wound are both gone.
Fucking ass, man! I'd done it! I
was dead! You brought me back? Do
you know how much that hurt? It
hurt a lot! Do you know what it's
like to be stabbed to death?
Should I stab you next, so you can
find out?
Milo has an epiphany.
I should stab you...
I'm sorry. I just--what was that
about stabbing me?


If I stab you, you'll die. And
when you die, I die. Get it?
Milo approaches Deacon, again a knife in hand.

Deacon backs away.
Whoa, hold on there with that. It
wouldn't work anyway. You don't
really have a knife. You don't
even really exist.
Then why do you look scared? I'll
tell you why, because sometimes
the mind can play tricks. If you
believe I am killing you, your
brain may send that same message
to your heart. It's like when
someone dies in a dream and they
die in real life, because their
brain thinks it's really
That's...not true, is it?
It has to be. If I know it, it's
only because you read it
Shit, you're right.
Milo lunges at Deacon.

Deacon climbs over the couch to get away and disappears into
the hallway.

Milo follows.
Deacon runs past the refrigerator in his escape from the
knife-wielding Milo. He opens the freezer door as he passes

The door swings behind Deacon, hitting Milo square in the


Milo goes down hard.

Deacon stares in amazement at what he's done.
Wow, I've always wanted to do
Police SIRENS sound from somewhere nearby.
You conjured the cops?
I did. It worked.
Milo gets to his feet.
That you can do, but you can't put
me on a fake plane to somewhere
fake nice?
Sorry. I can try and make your
prison cell less rape-y.
How about altogether NON rape-y?
Like, at all.
I'll do my best, but I can't make
any promises.
A fist POUNDS on the outside of the front door.
                       COP (O.S.)
Milo Rickman, you are under arrest
for attempted murder! Come out
with your hands up!
I'm going to jail now?
Looks that way. Again, really
sorry. The mind wants what it
I wish I was still a puppy.


And with those last words, Milo vanishes in the blink of an
eye, at the same moment, the pounding on the door ceases.

Deacon is filled with a sense of relief.
Deacon sits at his desk. He types away, but his attention
keeps going to Natalie's unoccupied desk, where her computer
collects dust.

Deacon stands and looks over his cubicle wall to the cubicle
Excuse me, ma'am. Do you know when
Natalie is coming back?
                       CUBICLE WOMAN
I'm sorry, I don't know of any
She sits right over here. She's
been gone for almost two weeks.
The woman stands to look at Natalie's desk.
                       CUBICLE WOMAN
Oh, no one sits there. That desk
doesn't even have a computer.
Deacon looks back at the desk, to find it completely empty:
no chair, no computer, nothing.
Milo, garbed in an olive-colored prison jumpsuit, sits at a
center table.

Deacon enters the room, carrying with him a Tupperware full
of food, and sits down across from Milo.
Hi. How you holding up in here?


So far, so good. No one's tried to
rape me yet. Though, I'm not sure
if I should be insulted by that.
You want some attention from the
other prisoners, because I might
be able to make it happen.
They share a LAUGH.
How'd you get them to let you in
I'm visiting Louis Morton. He's in
for manslaughter. Just the first
name I saw in the paper. We should
make this quick before he shows
up. Not really all that excited to
meet him.
Let's make it fast. I can't wait
to get back to whatever prison
adventure you have planned for me
I brought you something.
Just then, Natalie sits down next to Deacon. She smiles at
What? No, lasagna.
Deacon slides the lasagna over to Milo, who is focused
completely on Natalie.

Natalie smiles at him, silent.

A nearby prison guard, watches curiously as Deacon, sitting
solo at the table, slides the empty Tupperware to no one.
There's something you should know.
I don't think Natalie exists. I
think it was just someone I


                       DEACON (cont'd)
imagined you knew. Or maybe she's
YOUR imaginary friend.
Deacon CHUCKLES to himself at this notion.

Milo smiles at that idea, still looking at Natalie.
MY imaginary friend...
Natalie puts a finger to her lips, shushing Milo.
Anyway, I should get going. The
guards are starting to look at me
funny. I'll see ya though.
      (Looking at
Yeah, thanks for the lasagna.
Deacon stands and makes his way towards the exit, leaving
Milo and Natalie alone at the table.
      (to Natalie)
I'm glad you're not a puppy.
Milo and Natalie stare and smile at each other as Deacon
leaves the building.

The door slams behind Deacon, and Milo and Natalie vanish in
the same instant, leaving only the empty Tupperware on the
table top.


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From Kevin Mitchell Date 10/2/2008 ***
I started getting confused by page 14 but I got it in the end. I liked the story and some of the dialogue was clever. Good job.

From Kevin Isaacson Date 9/13/2008 ***
I like the concept of this story. It's a difficult idea but you make it easy to follow which suprised me to tell you the truth. I thought I was going to get lost and you pulled everything together. I agree that this could be a very good feature length film. Comedy, yet with some touching poignant segments.

From David Chase Date 9/8/2008 ***
I liked the premise of this one, but my major complaint is that it's too short. I could really see this being feature length, which would allow for a lot more slapstick type comedy as Deacon attempts to cope with the situation. It could be a lot funnier if it were approached as more of a screwball comedy, which is what I think you should aim for.

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