	Login Help

Screenwriter Community

by J. Rainy Rice (imoveatparaderest@yahoo.com)

Rated:

Genre: Comedy User Review:

Three graveyard workers hurdle through the night in order to save their boss from the Mafia.

This screenplay is registered with the Writers' Guild of America. This story is registered with its writer, and is prohibited for any unauthorized use. All rights are reserved.

FADE IN:

EXT. OLD TOWN CLOVIS - DAY

SCENE 1

JARED, age 28, clean cut and confident, JOSH, age 26, with a
five o' clock shadow and long hair, and TOFFOZAL, age 23,
Middle Eastern, step out of the Full o' Bull sandwich shop.
The three men are dressed in black suits with white ties.

JARED
Man, Full o' Bull is the shit. I
love this place!

JOSH
If I could marry my turkey
sandwich, I would. I mean, I
probably wouldn't because I'm
afraid of commitment, but we would
at least have an on again off
again relationship.

TOFFOZAL
It was OK. I like Subway better.

JARED
You only like Subway 'cause your
relatives own them all.

TOFFOZAL
Dude, just because I'm Indian
doesn't mean my family owns them.

JARED
Whatever. C'mon, let's get this
stiff to cemetary.

The three men hop into a Hearse, and drive off.

JARED
Did you ever get those shrooms,
Josh?

INT. HEARSE - DAY

SCENE 2

The three men are sitting in the Hearse on their way to the
cemetery. JOSH is driving, JARED is in the passenger seat,
and TOFFOZAL is in the back seat.

JARED
(to Toffozal)
Hey, rookie... how do you like
your first day?

TOFFOZAL
I don't know yet... I haven't
really done anything, I mean, it's
cool, I guess-

JARED
Shut up. You're rambling. Are you
ready?

TOFFOZAL
Um... ready for what?

JARED
For some face melting tunes!

JARED flips on the radio, blaring Bonnie Tyler's "I Need a
Hero". Him and JOSH begin singing along as TOFFOZAL sits
back, somewhat creeped out.

Suddenly, JARED notices some very attractive women dressed
scantily at a gas station washing cars. He turns off the
radio.

JOSH
Whoa, bro. Whoa!

JARED
Sh! Look at those broads over
there!

CUT TO

EXT. CAR WASH - DAY

SCENE 3

Two very attractive and young, fit women are washing cars.
They strike the best poses, as water drips from their barely
clothed bodies. A cheap trick indeed, yet so captivating.

CUT TO

INT. HEARSE - DAY

SCENE 4

The boys are glued.

JOSH
Wow... look at the turd cutter on
that one!

JARED
Don't talk while I'm checking out
chicks, man. Totally kills my
boner.

JOSH
(skips a beat)
Well, don't talk about boners when
I'm checking out chicks! I would
totally suck a fart out of that
ass.

JARED
Gross, man...

The boys pull up in their hearse to get it washed. The girls
check the hearse out as the boys get out. The girls, DAPHNE,
perfect legs and a firm, round buttocks, and SASHA, large
breasts and perfect skin begin twirling their towels.

DAPHNE
Nice ride, fellas.

JOSH
Thanks. There's a dead guy in the
back.

SASHA
What?

TOFFOZAL
Uh, he's kidding. We should
probably go guys.

JARED hits TOFFOZAL in the groin, shutting him up except for
the coughing and writhing.

DAPHNE
(smirking)
You're funny...

JARED
You ladies are running a pretty
nice operation here...

JOSH
You guys wanna touch my manhood?

DAPHNE
Excuse me?

JOSH taps on the hood of the hearse.

JOSH
It's right here. It's the manliest
hood ever.

The girls are unsure about JOSH. JARED smacks him in the
arm.

JARED
Forgive my friend. He's socially
undeveloped. Although I must
admit, the car is quite manly...

The girls giggle, and begin washing the hearse. Their wet
bodies rub against the car's metal as the boys back up and
watch enthusiastically.

CUT TO

The three boys are sitting down on the curb, sipping on
drinks as the girls scrub the car.

TOFFOZAL
(to Josh)
What the hell was that back there?

JOSH
What was what?

TOFFOZAL
You don't know how to talk to
chicks, or what?

JARED
Nah, he's never been good with the
ladies. Always screwing it up by
saying something stupid nasty, or
retarded.

JOSH
Easy for you to say, Jared... you
look like Michael J. Fox, scorin'
with chicks is easy for you.

JARED
I do not look like Michael J. Fox.
Stop saying that already. He's not
even known for his good looks, so
I don't see how that has any
effect.

JOSH
Uh, I disagree. Have you not see
Teen Wolf?

JARED
That was just a movie, Josh. I
don't look like the guy.

It's quiet as TOFFOZAL stares at JARED.

TOFFOZAL
You kinda do, though...

The girls finish, and they approach the boys, soap covering
their perfect bodies. The boys get up, and head toward the
car.

JARED
Thanks, ladies!

The boys bypass them, get in the car, and drive away without
paying. The girls try to chase them as they pull out of the
parking lot.

DAPHNE
Hey! You owe us for the car wash!

SASHA
Pricks!

INT. HEARSE - DAY

SCENE 5

TOFFOZAL
It's simple, Josh... for starters,
the only B word you should call a
woman is beautiful... bitches love
it when you call them beautiful.

JARED
I don't think you should take
advice from a guy who smells like
curry.

TOFFOZAL
(taken aback)
I don't even like curry, you
asshole!

JOSH
I love curry.

EXT. CLOVIS CEMETERY - DAY

SCENE 6

The Hearse pulls up to the cemetery gates as they slowly
open. The car drives through and up to the building.

JOSH rolls down his window as the cemetery manager, BILL,
late forties, with a bad comb over, rushes toward the car.

BILL
Where the hell have you been?

JARED
Whoa, whoa, whoa...

BILL
Don't you realize we were in a
precession on our way to a
funeral? You three disappeared!
Where the hell did you go?

JOSH
Relax, Bill... we got hungry...

JARED
So we went to Full o' Bull. It was
really good, they have that new,
uh... two dollar Tuesdays thing.

BILL
So?

JOSH
It's Tuesday.

BILL
I swear to god-

JARED
And we got the hearse washed!

BILL
Really? It does look pretty
nice...

JOSH
There you go...

BILL
Get your asses over to lot nine...
and hurry!

JOSH punches the gas pedal, causing the car to peel out.

They drive recklessly toward lot nine, where several
mourning people are standing around. JOSH slams on the
brakes, and the three men get out.

JOSH
Whoo! That was just like Grand
Theft Auto!

JARED
Except you didn't kill any
hookers.

JOSH
The day's not over yet!

JARED
Open the damn door, Toffozal!

TOFFOZAL and JOSH open the rear door, and the two begin
sliding the coffin out.

JARED
(to mourners)
Sorry! Sorry!

The coffin almost slips from their grip, as JARED rushes to
their aid. He grabs on, and the three men struggle to keep a
grip on the heavy coffin.

JARED
Can we please have some help?

JOSH
Help!

A few men run toward the coffin, and they help pull it out.
They all carry the coffin toward the middle of the crowd.

JARED
Thanks, guys. OK, you can let it
go, now.

Everybody lets go of the coffin, except for JARED. The
coffin slams to the ground, taking JARED with it.

            JARED
      (to Josh and
       Toffozal)
Shit! Not you, assholes, those
guys.

The crowd looks shocked at the incident, and JARED'S
language.

JARED
(to mourners)
Sorry, again. Alright, well...
there you go. Enjoy, or, sorry.

JARED slaps TOFFOZAL in the arm, then goes to sock JOSH.
JOSH slightly cowers.

JOSH
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Relax!

JARED lets loose, and punches JOSH in the arm. JOSH grabs it
in pain.

JARED
C'mon.

JOSH
Ah! It's still sore from last
time, bro. Always hitting...

JARED
Shut up, Josh.

The three men return to their Hearse and they drive away.

INT. CEMETERY BUILDING BATHROOM - DAY

SCENE 7

JOSH, JARED, and TOFFOZAL are hanging out in the bathroom,
smoking a joint.

TOFFOZAL
Am I high?

JARED
I dunno. Do you feel high?

TOFFOZAL
I don't know...

TOFFOZAL looks at JOSH.

TOFFOZAL
Do I feel high?

JOSH touches TOFFOZAL on the face. JOSH giggles, looks at
JARED, and slowly nods.

TOFFOZAL
So, how did you guys get this job?

JARED
Ah, some bullshit charges. I lived
in the same neighborhood as his
grandma...

JOSH
Nah, nah, tell the truth. The real
story, asshole. One night, I was
extremely high.

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

FLASHBACK

SCENE 8

JOSH walks into a garage smoking a joint. He seems to be
extremely high.

JOSH
I am extremely high...

As he walks into the garage he notices that it is open and
then sees JARED standing there holding a TV. JARED is busted
and stands there frozen.

JOSH
Dude, what the fuck are you doing
in my grandmother's garage?

JARED searches for words and stands there, not knowing
whether to run or make an excuse. JOSH takes a hit from his
joint in between sentences. He still remains calm, but
concerned.

10.

JOSH
My Memaw is old as fuck, she
probably can't even afford to get
a new one.(takes a hit) I mean
social security is a fucking joke
man.

JARED seems to be confused. He looks around. Then looks at
the TV and looks back at JOSH.

JARED
What do you mean? This isn't your
grandma's TV...

JOSH
Oh, yeah? Well how the hell should
you know? Memaw's the one gettin'
robbed!

JARED
Because I live down the street.
Remember you buy weed off my
cousin?

JOSH
(Still smoking)
Oh shit man that's right! How the
hell have you been?

JARED
Great I guess. I mean, I have to
resort to robbery now, to pay
bills and shit. But all in all...

JOSH
Aw, right on, right on. Cool deal,
well you just set my memaw's TV
over there.

JARED
This is NOT your grandma's TV!

Pause.

JOSH
You might be right I don't
remember ever seeing that TV in my
life (trying to hold in a hit).
But this IS memaw's house, so
technically that is memaw's shit
dude.

11.

JARED
Dude! Your grandma lives 3 houses
down the street! This isn't even
her fucking house.

JOSH takes a hit of his joint and looks around the garage
confused. This quick moment of silence makes Josh forget
what they were just talking about.

JOSH
Shit, man... Why are you in my
grandmother's garage again?

JARED
THIS ISN'T YOUR GRAN-

Just then a huge man, HANK, walks into the garage extremely
pissed off. He is covered in tattoos holding a baseball
bat.

JOSH and JARED turn around in pure fear. JOSH drops the
joint out of his mouth.

HANK
What the fuck are you faggots
doing in my garage?!

JARED tries to run. HANK doesn't move. He throws the
baseball bat that hits JARED in the head. JARED falls to
the floor while JOSH stands there in awe, too high to make
any rational decision.

HANK
Stay right there! I'm going to put
some pants on and call the cops.
If you fucking move I'll rip your
dick off!

HANK stares down JOSH. JOSH nods his head and HANK goes back
inside. HANK quickly comes back out to surprise JOSH.

HANK
I'm watching you faggot...

JOSH looks over at the unconscious JARED.

JOSH
Shit man you were right. I don't
think this is my memaw's house.

12.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

PRESENT DAY

SCENE 9

JARED
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Long story
short; Bill convinced the judge to
let us do a work program here at
the cemetery. Saves our ass, and
gives him cheap labor. What about
you?

TOFFOZAL
Oh... um... The town seems a bit
prejudice against Eastern Indians.
I got hired here because nobody
else would hire me, basically.
Asshole hicks...

Suddenly, the door bursts open, and JOSH Throws the lit
joint as hard as he can at the closed window. The joint hits
the glass and falls to the ground. BILL steps in.

TOFFOZAL
Nothing!

BILL looks inquisitive at TOFFOZAL.

BILL
You three embarassed me today.

JOSH
C'mon, Bill. We were gonna get you
a sandwich, too.

BILL
Not the point, Josh. As a
punishment, you three have to dig
the next three graves with a
shovel.

JARED
Going back to our roots, huh?

BILL
Don't be a smart ass. Besides, you
guys broke the excavator last
week, so you'll have to do it by
hand anyways; You're not leaving
until it gets done. I suggest you
three get started... what's that
(MORE)

13.

BILL (cont'd)
smell?

TOFFOZAL
What smell?

JARED
(worried)
I shit... my... pants a little
bit. It's no big deal, I'll take
care of it.

BILL
That's disgusting.

JARED
I know... I'm sorry.

BILL
Take care of it.

JARED points at BILL with the "gun" hand gesture and winks.

JARED
You got it... anything you want.
I'll... I will clean my ass... for
you.

BILL leaves.

JARED
Dude! Why'd you throw the weed?

JOSH
What did you want me to do? He
scared me so bad I pooted, bro!

TOFFOZAL
(to Jared)
You shit your pants?

JARED
No, Toffozal, you dumb foreskin. I
told him that 'cause dank weed
smells funny... everybody knows
that. Let's dig these graves.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

14.

SCENE 10

JARED, JOSH, and TOFFOZAL are walking through some graves
holding shovels. JARED is trampling on tombstones as
TOFFOZAL obviously avoids them.

JOSH
I like doing this crap by hand.
It's like, getting in tune with
Mother Nature, you know?

TOFFOZAL
What do you guys usually use to
dig graves?

JOSH
Those.

JOSH points toward the fenced in tractor yard, where run
down, rusted tractors are parked.

TOFFOZAL
Those things work?

JARED
Except for the excavator Josh said
could float, yeah. I hope you got
your tetanus shot, rook, 'cause
now you'll finally have the
opportunity catch it.

JARED and JOSH laugh, as TOFFOZAL looks serious.

TOFFOZAL
That's not funny, dude. Are you
being for real right now?

The boys get to their destination, and spread out, picking
the area where they'll dig.

JOSH
Aw, c'mon, rookie. You got to have
a twisted sense of humor to work
here.

JOSH jabs the shovel into the ground.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

15.

SCENE 11

The three men are digging the three graves. They appear to
not have made much progress. The gloomy trees cast dark
shadows with the moonlight as the owls hoot in the distance.

JOSH
This place is starting to give me
the creeps, brother.

JARED
Don't be such as pansie, Josh.
It's not like, zombies are
gonna... pop out and eat your
gooch.

JOSH
Don't say zombies out here, man.
Not at night.

JARED
Would you chill... the fuck out,
dude?

JOSH
Well, it's like, a completely
different place... at night. Take
that tree for example. During the
day it's a normal tree, but at
night it looks like that tree from
the intro to Tales From the
Darkside.

JARED throws his shovel.

JARED
Who the shit puts a cemetery on
hard pan?

TOFFOZAL and JOSH look at JARED.

JARED
(to Toffozal)
Go get it!

TOFFOZAL
What? But you threw it...

JARED
It wasn't a rhetorical command,
Fozzy! You're the new guy, you go
and get it!

16.

TOFFOZAL
Fozzy?

JOSH laughs.

JOSH
Fozzy...

JARED
Your new nickname, now go get the
shovel!

TOFFOZAL climbs out of his grave, and sadly grabs the
shovel.

JARED
Hey Josh... did you bring the
shrooms?

JOSH whips out about an ounce of hallucinogenic mushrooms.

JOSH
Did I...

JARED
Let's quest through the third
realm, and fuck shit up, dude...

TOFFOZAL
Uh guys... c'mon, what the fuck
are you doing?

JARED and JOSH scarf down some mushrooms.

CUT TO

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SCENE 12

JARED and JOSH are sitting down by a campfire relaxing.
TOFFOZAL sits across from him shaking his head.

JARED
I think I'm starting to feel it,
dude.

JOSH
I know I am.

TOFFOZAL
You guys are idiots.

17.

JARED
Don't ruin my high, Fozzy.

JOSH
I think I ate too many, Jared.

JARED
Quit being a pussy. This is gonna
be awesome.

JOSH is getting kind of anxious, and clammy. Suddenly, JARED
lets out a wet burp, and begins feeling a little
uncomfortable.

JARED
Ew, fuck. I just swallowed my own
throw up.

JOSH starts loosening his tie. TOFFOZAL begins to snicker.

TOFFOZAL
That's what you assholes get for
shrooming when we're supposed to
be working.

TOFFOZAL continues to laugh as JARED and JOSH watch him
morph into a stereotypical version of an Eastern Indian.

He now has a beard, traditional head wear, and clothing. He
continues to laugh, as JARED and JOSH begin to laugh along
with him.

TOFFOZAL then morphs into a stereotypical Arab. They all
continue to laugh, but now JARED and JOSH begin to
whimper/laugh out of fear.

JOSH
Dude, I'm starting to have a bad
trip!

TOFFOZAL then morphs yet again, but into a stereotypical
terrorist, complete with a bomb vest.

TOFFOZAL
I will get my 70 virgins!

JARED
Oh fuck!

JOSH takes off screaming, knocking JARED over onto his back.
TOFFOZAL continues to laugh.

18.

JOSH
I don't wanna die, man!

JARED scrambles to his feet, and follows JOSH.

The boys run away from TOFFOZAL, and hide behind some
shrubs. They try to gather their bearings.

JOSH
I'm freaking the fuck out, man!

JARED
Calm down dude, everything's going
to be OK. Just focus on what's
real, and everything will be OK.

Suddenly, the scene transforms into a cartoon. Both JARED
and JOSH morph into cartoons as well.

EXT. CARTON WORLD - DAY

SCENE 13

JOSH
Hey, Jared... I don't know how to
tell you this, but...

JARED
What is it?

JOSH
You're totally a comic right now.

JARED
What? Like Robin Williams? I don't
get it.

JOSH
No, no, not a stand-up comic...
like a comic strip, a cartoon.

JARED
What?!

JOSH
Yeah, dude...

JARED
Do I look cool?

JOSH
Everything looks cool.

19.

The world is bright and colorful, somewhat reminiscent of
Roger Rabbit's Toon Town.

JARED
Whoa... I can see it too!

The boys are enjoying their cartoon world, when suddenly, it
transforms into a nightmare. Hell fire shoots through the
ground and demons fly around.

The boys panic.

JARED
What the fuck is that?

JOSH
It's the end of the world! We're
gonna die! We're not safe here,
we're not safe anywhere!

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SCENE 14

THE REAL WORLD

JOSH and JARED take off running back toward TOFFOZAL, who
seems to be concerned now.

TOFFOZAL
Whoa, whoa! Guys! You guys OK?

JOSH and JARED ignore TOFFOZAL in full sprint. TOFFOZAL
prepares for collision.

TOFFOZAL
Stop! Whoa, whoa, stop!

JARED and JOSH slam into TOFFOZAL, all three men knock
heads. They fall to the ground, unconscious.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY

SCENE 15

Smoldering embers release smoke from the evening's fire.
BILL watches over his bumbling employees disgustedly.

The three men are still unconscious on the ground. BILL
walks up to a baggie on the ground. He picks it up.

20.

As BILL peers into the contents of the baggie, he sees a few
uneaten mushrooms inside. He approaches JARED, and kicks
him.

BILL
Wake up, asshole!

JARED jumps awake.

JARED
Oh, shit, dude! Don't do that!

BILL
What the fuck are you doing,
Jared?

JARED
(beat)
Just chillin'.

BILL tosses the baggie onto JARED'S lap.

BILL
You're supposed to be the
responsible one.

JARED scoffs.

JARED
Look...

BILL
No, you look. I got you outta some
big trouble by giving the judge my
word. You're the leader, Jared.
Don't you see? You're the one
these two dipshits are gonna
listen to. And you spend your time
eating mushrooms instead of doing
your job.

JARED looks at the other two guys.

BILL
What am I going to tell the judge
when she asks about your progress?
I refuse to lie to her. You need
to get your shit together, Jared!

JARED stays quiet, drinking in BILL'S lecture.

21.

BILL
Oh, and as punishment for this
little incident, you are going to
stay late tonight. I need you to
clean the office, and organize
tomorrow's funeral ceremonies.

JARED
What? That's gonna take all night!

BILL
I know. Now get those graves dug,
and get a cover over the dirt. I
don't want anyone seeing the shit
that's gonna crush their loved
ones.

BILL walks away.

EXT. TRACTOR YARD - DAY

SCENE 16

JOSH, and JARED are washing the excavation equipment.

JARED
Hey, Josh. Remember that stiff
that came in yesterday morning?

JOSH
The guy with the soul patch?

JARED
Yeah. Doesn't he look almost
exactly like Bill? I mean, minus
the bitchin' hair.

JOSH
And a crusty soul patch?

JARED
Yeah, and the crusty soul patch.

JOSH
(smiling)
Identical!

JARED
Right?

22.

JOSH
Kinda weird seeing Bill with
hair... but also rawesome.

TOFFOZAL walks up to them with some more cleaning supplies.

TOFFOZAL
What are you guys talking about?

JARED
Fuck your face...

TOFFOZAL sighs deeply. BILL appears.

BILL
Hey... I need you guys to mow the
lawn tonight, too.

JOSH
Don't you have, like, a gardener
who comes out and does that?

BILL
He had to cancel. So you boys are
up.

BILL turns around to walk away.

JARED
Why can't we do it during the day?

BILL
We have funerals during the day...
a loud obnoxious lawn mower would
be rude.

JOSH
Where'd your soul patch go?

JARED snickers.

BILL
What?

JOSH
Nothin' man...

BILL stares at the three men quietly for a second, then he
disappears behind the gate.

JOSH and JARED laugh a little louder, as TOFFOZAL looks
upset.

23.

TOFFOZAL
This sucks... I have a date
tonight.

JARED
Why don't you go?

TOFFOZAL
I gotta work here tonight.

JARED
Just wait 'til Bill leaves, and
we'll cover for you.

TOFFOZAL
Really? You'd do that?

JARED
No.

JARED sprays TOFFOZAL with the hose as JOSH laughs.

TOFFOZAL
You dick!

TOFFOZAL throws the soapy sponge and hits JARED in the
groin. JARED falls down on the hood of the tractor. JOSH
laughs harder.

JARED
Ow, fuck, dude... you hit me right
in the ball sack!

INT. CEMETERY BUILDING - NIGHT

SCENE 17

JARED, JOSH, and TOFFOZAL are standing around in the office.

JARED
Fuck, I'm tired.

JOSH
Tired is but a state of mind...
well technically it's a state of
being... but...

JARED
Stop talking, Josh, please.

24.

TOFFOZAL
This sucks, man... I could be
talking to Wendy, right now...
coaxing her into coming back to my
place, and putting my cockles in
her mouth.

JARED
What? That's a bit upfront, don't
you think?

JOSH
Yeah, man. You should always let
her go at her own pace.

TOFFOZAL
Sorry, guys... it's just... I
haven't had-

JARED
I don't wanna hear about your blue
balls, bro.

JARED grabs a bag of marijuana and a bong. He heads for the
glass door.

JOSH
Hey, where are you going with the
weed, man?

JARED
Mow the stupid lawn... you guys
take care of this crap, I'm
outtie.

TOFFOZAL
Outtie? What is that, it's like
a...

JARED
It's slang.

JOSH
Super gay man's excuse for
'later'.

JARED
Whatever, dudes...

JARED socks JOSH in the arm again, and walks out. JOSH rubs
his arm.

25.

JOSH
(to Toffozzal)
Go take out the trash in Bill's
office.

TOFFOZAL
What are you gonna do?

JOSH pulls out a DVD and puts it the company's DVD player.

JOSH
I'm gonna watch a movie, dude.

The T.V. in the corner where the ceiling meets two walls
turns on.

TOFFOZAL
What the fuck? Watch a movie?

JOSH
Yeah... go.

JOSH waves him on.

TOFFOZAL
(under his breath)
Why is everyone so mean to me?

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SCENE 18

JARED hides behind a large tombstone, with a walkman.

He inserts a tape that says, "mowin mix '08" and presses
play. He lights the bowl, as he listens to music.

He coughs, and then hocks a loogie onto a nearby headstone.

JARED'S tape gets eaten by the walkman. The music stops
playing, and he can now hear some noise behind him.

JARED pops up slowly to peek. In his proximity, he sees two
men, CHARLIE and BOBBY, early forties, in suits digging up a
grave as another man VINCENT BORZONI watched. JARED jumps
back into the shadows.

JARED
Oh shit...

VINCENT
Open it up.

26.

CHARLIE and BOBBY open the casket, revealing a dead woman
inside.

VINCENT
You two idiots said it was in this
grave, so where the hell is it?

CHARLIE
It should be, Vinny! Eddie Marks,
that's the casket we hid it in.

VINCENT
That don't look like no Eddie
Marks...

BOBBY
They must've mixed the caskets up.

VINCENT
You've gotta be fuckin' kidding
me...

CHARLIE
Vinny, it's not our fault! The
grave diggers must've buried Eddie
somewheres else.

VINCENT
If you two don't find that money
tonight, it's gonna be your fault!

JARED grabs his walkie talkie, and radios in to JOSH.

JARED
(whispering)
Josh! Josh there's some guys out
here diggin' around some graves!

JOSH
What? What guys?

JARED
Sh! Shut up, man, they're gonna
hear you.

JOSH
Well, how am I supposed to talk to
you and shut up at the same time?

JARED
You know what I meant, dude.
Whisper.

27.

JOSH
Oh... what guys?

JARED
Scary guys. Guys who shouldn't be
here, because it's after hours,
it's a cemetery, and they're
fucking digging!

JOSH
Oh yeah?

JARED
What's that in the background.

JOSH
I'm watching Fight Club.

JARED
Why the hell are you watching
Fight Club?

JOSH
It's my favorite movie. Why
wouldn't I be watching it?

JARED
Oh because you're supposed to be
cleaning!

JOSH
Relax, man... I got Fozzy doing
it.

JARED
Look, call Bill or something.

JOSH
Why don't you just tell them to
leave?

JARED
Why don't you just call Bill, like
I fuckin' said!

JOSH
You got an attitude problem, man.
You can't go through life so angry
all the time. You're gonna die
young, man.

28.

JARED
What are you talking about? I
don't get angry.

JOSH
Yes you do!

JARED
Name one time where I got mad at
you for anything.

JOSH
I can't remember...

JARED
See?

JOSH
Ah, OK. How about the time I
forgot to wipe my feet at your
apartment?

JARED
I don't recall.

JOSH
And you snuck off and put glitter
in my eye drops. It hurt to blink
for like three days!

JARED
I'm sorry... I'm just... scared.
Call him, please.

JOSH
OK.

JARED suddenly drops the bong, and it shatters on the
ground. The mobsters hear the noise and look around for the
source, exposing their shiny handguns.

JARED
Oh, fuck.

JARED sprints off through the shadows and toward the
building. The mobsters start looking toward the sound of
JARED'S footsteps.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

29.

SCENE 19

JARED flies through the office doors, and slides into the
building. JOSH looks at him puzzled.

JOSH
What happened.

JARED
I made a noise.

JARED turns off the lights, and the T.V. and jumps over the
desk, knocking JOSH to the ground.

JOSH
Hey, what the shit, dude?

JARED
Where's Toffozal?

JOSH
He's taking the trash out.

JARED
Is he at the dumpster?

JOSH
Yeah... can you get off of me,
bro? I'm not into dudes anymore.

JARED
What? Did you just say anymore?

JOSH shakes his head no.

JARED
Yeah you did. I heard you.

JOSH
Well, I don't know what to tell
you, 'cause that's not... I didn't
say that.

JARED
Whatever...

JARED stands up and creeps toward the door.

JARED
I'm gonna go get him. They got
guns.

30.

JOSH
What? You're mad this is madness.

JARED
No time for talking me out of
this, Josh... Toffozal's our
friend, and I'm gonna-

TOFFOZAL slams against the door, scaring JARED and JOSH.

JARED
Fuck!

JOSH screams like a girl, and ducks behind the desk.
TOFFOZAL steps in.

JARED
What the fuck, Toffozal?

TOFFOZAL
What?

JARED
You scared the shit, right out of
my ass, dude. Freakin' scared me.

JOSH
I peed.

JARED
OK... let's hide.

JOSH
Jared, seriously, I peed, man.

JARED pulls TOFFOZAL toward the desk.

TOFFOZAL
Why are we hiding?

JARED
There's guys out there, trying to
kill me, dude. Now get your Arab
ass behind that desk.

TOFFOZAL
I'm Indian!

JARED
No one cares!

31.

The three men hide behind the desk. Suddenly, BILL shows up
at the door, and tries to open it. He bangs on the door. The
three men peek around the desk and see BILL.

JOSH
It's just Bill. I'm gonna let him
in.

The mobsters show up behind BILL, and the three men duck
back behind the desk as JOSH screams in whisper.

JARED
Oh fuck, dude.

The mobsters force BILL to unlock the doors, and they all
four squeeze through. They take BILL into the back office,
as JARED, JOSH, and TOFFOZAL hide underneath the desk.

TOFFOZAL
Who the hell are those guys?

JARED
I don't know... but they have
guns.

JOSH
Sh, sh... you hear that?

The three men listen as they hear muffled voices from inside
the office.

VINCENT
Listen, guy... I'm gonna give you
ten seconds to divulge any
information you think I might want
to know, got it?

JARED
Fuck, he's gonna rat on us.

TOFFOZAL
Let's get out of here.

The three men crawl across the floor toward the bathroom.
They push the door open, and go inside.

CUT TO

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

32.

SCENE 20

BILL is sitting in a chair, tied up while the mobsters pop
their knuckles and take off their coats.

VINCENT
Nothin', huh?

CHARLIE punches BILL in the face.

BILL
I don't know what you want!

VINCENT
Don't scream at me... I'm standing
right here, I can hear you just
fine. Maybe we should be more
specific. Is anybody else here,
with you?

CUT TO

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

SCENE 21

The boys are standing in the bathroom.

JARED
Wait, wait, sh... he's gonna talk,
listen.

The boys stare at the air vent, as the muffled voice flows
through from the other side of the wall. The anticipation is
suspenseful.

BILL
No...

CUT TO

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

SCENE 22

BILL
Just me... I was locking up, when
you guys found me.

CUT TO

33.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

SCENE 23

JARED
Whoa... he didn't snitch on us...

JOSH
That was pretty cool of him...
especially for Bill, dude.

JARED
Yeah... maybe we should go get
some help.

TOFFOZAL
I like that idea.

The three guys climb out of the bathroom window. TOFFOZAL
falls to the ground.

TOFFOZAL
Ow! Oh, dude... I broke my shit...
I broke my shit.

The other two help him up, and pull him away from the
building.

JARED
Shut your mouth, dude! They'll
hear you... c'mon, your shit isn't
broken.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

SCENE 24

The three guys run through the parking lot and they hop into
the Hearse.

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

SCENE 25

JARED
Alright, start this bitch up,
Josh.

JOSH digs in his pocket.

34.

JOSH
Um... I think I left the keys in
the drawer, man...

TOFFOZAL
What?

JARED
Aw... Josh.

JOSH
What do we do?

JARED
You have to go get 'em, dude.

JOSH
I'm not going back in there, man!
They'll rape me!

TOFFOZAL
Well, what do you want us to do?

JOSH
I don't know... like... we should,
try to hotwire it, or something.

JARED
Oh, yeah... 'cause they teach us
that at community college...
today's lesson, how to hotwire a
fucking Hearse! You shouldn't of
lost the keys, twat waffle!

JOSH
Well, calm down... we'll figure it
out, man.

JARED
I already figured it out, Josh.
You fucked up, and now I have to
go in there and pick up the
pieces. Watch my six, cock face.

JARED slaps JOSH in the face, gets out of the car, and
sprints through the parking lot.

TOFFOZAL
Jared's got anger issues, doesn't
he?

35.

JOSH
Listen, rookie... Jared's all
sorts of jacked up. You'll figure
this out in time, but until
then... shut your mouth!

TOFFOZAL looks taken aback.

JOSH
I'm just kidding. You're the
rookie, so we have to mess with
you a lot.

TOFFOZAL
Jesus, dude... even at a time like
this?

JOSH
(firmly)
Especially at a time like this.

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

SCENE 26

VINCENT
Did you see anything? Anything we
would not want you to see?

BILL
No...

BOBBY punches BILL in the stomach. BILL doubles over and
farts, almost defecating.

CHARLIE
Ew...

VINCENT
Come on! You expect me to believe
that?

BILL
I'm telling you the truth!

VINCENT
Then why did I hear glass breaking
out in the graveyard?

CUT TO

36.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

SCENE 27

JARED drops in through the window. He creeps toward the
bathroom door, and cracks it just before entering the
office.

INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

SCENE 28

JARED flies through the door way, and lands on his face. He
sneaks around the office poorly, making subtle noises, and
bumping his knees and elbows. He opens the drawer, and digs
around. The voices seep out from BILL'S office.

VINCENT
I'm tellin' you this, now... if
you're lyin' to me, and there is
someone else here, we'll find out.
Wanna know how? Chances are
they'll call the cops, and if that
happens, we'll cut you open right
here on the spot.

JARED stops what he is doing, and stares at the door,
terrified.

VINCENT
Now... where'd you bury Eddie
Marks?

BILL
Who?

JARED lips "Eddie Marks" trying to recall.

VINCENT
Eddie Marks! Where's his body?
It's not where it's supposed to
be!

BILL
You gotta be kidding...

VINCENT
If I were kidding, I wouldn't have
this look on my face!

BOBBY
Hang on, Vinny, I gotta drop mud.

37.

JARED quickly shuts the drawer, and crawls under the desk as
the office door opens, and BOBBY walks out. BOBBY walks past
JARED and steps into the bathroom, as JARED begins digging
in the drawer again.

VINCENT
I'm gonna level with you, guy. I
need to find Eddie's grave, and if
you don't help me, I'll cut every
single finger off your weasley,
greasy hands.

JARED'S face grows more serious. He grabs the keys, and
starts to shut the drawer. He does a double take and opens
the drawer again. He pulls out a bag of marijuana, and
sneaks into the bathroom.

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

SCENE 29

TOFFOZAL and JOSH are sitting in the Hearse.

TOFFOZAL
Dude, where the fuck is he? It's
taking too long. Do you think they
caught him?

JOSH
I don't know, man... let's give
him two more minutes, and if he
doesn't come out, we take off
running down street.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

SCENE 30

JARED slowly creeps through the bathroom, trying not to make
any noise. BOBBY makes horrible flatulent noises as JARED
passes through.

BOBBY
Hey, Charlie... is that you?

JARED'S eyes grow wide. He changes his voice to sound like
CHARLIE.

JARED
Yeah... I just gotta... squeeze
one out.

38.

BOBBY
What? You gonna jerk off in here?

BOBBY farts some more.

JARED
No, I meant... pinch one off.

JARED slowly walks toward the window as BOBBY makes
unearthly bowel noises. JARED gags.

BOBBY
Ah... you like that one, huh?

JARED
Ugh, my mouth was open.

JARED jumps up on the windowsill, and begins sliding through
the opening.

JARED
OK, I'm done... see you in there.
Bye.

BOBBY
Hey, Charlie... power shitter,
huh? Fuckin' fast.

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

SCENE 31

JARED is running through the parking lot toward the Hearse.
JOSH sees him in the mirror.

JOSH
Here he comes.

TOFFOZAL turns around.

TOFFOZAL
Oh, thank god.

JOSH
Don't you mean Sheba?

TOFFOZAL
Fuck you, Josh.

JARED jumps into the car, and slams the keys on JOSH'S lap.
JOSH grabs his crotch, and writhes.

39.

JOSH
Ow, dude, you hit me square in the
dick!

JARED
Well... it's Karma for losing
them. You know all about Karma,
right rookie? Let's go!

JOSH starts up the Hearse, and the three boys drive off.

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

SCENE 32

JOSH is driving, TOFFOZAL is sleeping, and JARED is sitting
shotgun, staring in the passenger side mirror.

JARED
Man. I heard those guys talkin'.
They're looking for an Eddie
Marks' grave for some reason.

JOSH
Why?

JARED
I don't know, man. Hey didn't you
do all the paperwork for the new
arrivals?

JOSH
Yeah.

JARED
So where is he buried? They were
talking like he wasn't in his
grave, or something.

JOSH
Oh, shi- um... I accidentally
dropped the stack of papers, and
uh... I kinda got things mixed up.

JARED
You kinda got things mixed up?!

JOSH
Well, yeah. Evidently.

40.

JARED
How could you possibly be an even
bigger fuck up?

JOSH
Well, I didn't do it on purpose,
Jared! Besides it's not like
anyone's gonna know, they're
buried underground, stupid!

JARED
Yeah? Well, obviously some one
found out, and now they're gonna
kill Bill if we don't save him.

JOSH slightly giggles.

JARED
What's so funny?

JOSH
Kill Bill...

JARED
You gotta be fucking kidding me
right now, Josh...

TOFFOZAL
Are you guys like... straight up
retarded or something? 'Cause I
mean-

JARED turns around and punches TOFFOZAL in the leg. He
writhes in pain.

TOFFOZAL
What the fuck, man?!

JARED
Know your role, bitch.

TOFFOZAL grabs JARED'S seat belt and yanks hard on it,
pulling it to the point of constriction. JARED tries to pull
the seat belt away, gasping for air.

JARED
I can't breathe! I can't breathe,
you fuckin' terrorist!

TOFFOZAL lets go, and JARED undoes his seat belt,
threatening to jump in the back seat.

41.

JARED
I'll come back there and whoop
your ass, Toffozal. Don't think I
won't, 'cause I will... you don't
even know... man. I will bring the
thunder.

JOSH
Jared, Jared, Jared!

JARED starts to calm down, and he sits back in his seat.

JOSH
So, should we go to the cops?

JARED
No! No, we can't...

TOFFOZAL
Why not, man?

JARED
Because, shit tits! We just can't,
OK? No cops. I'm way too high for
cops right now.

TOFFOZAL
Seriously? That's the dumbest
thing ever, not calling the cops
would be a stupid idea.

JOSH
He's right, Fozzy. I'm too high
for cops right now, too.

JARED
Yeah, and I mean, we're on
probation, dude. The sheriff here
has real strict zero tolerance
policies.

TOFFOZAL
You can't possibly be that
selfish. It's another human's
life, man! Do the right thing!

JARED
Look, even if we wanted to call
the cops, it's a bad move. Those
guys said if any cops showed up,
they'd cut Bill open. There's
gotta be another way.

42.

TOFFOZAL
What other way, man? There is no
other way.

JARED
I don't know!

TOFFOZAL
What do you want us to do? Like...
fight back or something?

JARED
I guess... I don't know!

JOSH
I think I might know...

JARED
Really?

JOSH
Yeah, dude... my uncle Mike was in
the military... we can get him. He
might be able to help, man.

JARED
Well, let's go!

JOSH
Well, hang on, man... let me
remember where he lives.

JOSH looks as if he's thinking, as JARED and TOFFOZAL stare
at him.

JOSH
Got it.

EXT. EMPTY LOT - NIGHT

SCENE 33

A small trailer sits all alone in the corner of a vacant
lot. A large, gnarled tree shrouds the trailer, reflecting
lights from the inside off of the leaves. The boys approach
it, and JOSH knocks on the door.

JARED
Are you serious, he lives here?

The door opens, and reveals MIKE, age 60, with a mullet and
a red headband, somewhat resembling Rambo's headband.

43.

JOSH
Hey, uncle Mikey... how you been,
man?

MIKE looks around the lot, trying to spot something.

MIKE
Get in... I think they followed
you.

The boys step inside the filthy trailer.

INT. TRAILER - NIGHT

SCENE 34

JOSH
Ah, shit! Who followed us, man?

JOSH acts scared as he looks back behind him.

MIKE
Shut up! They'll hear us.

JARED whispers to JOSH.

JARED
This guy's god damned crazy, Josh.
Why did we come here?

MIKE
(to Toffozal)
Hey, you're not one of them
Iraqis, are you?

TOFFOZAL
No, dude, I'm Indian.

MIKE raises his right hand in the air as if here were about
to swear on the bible.

MIKE
How.

Dirty dishes line the counters of the trailer, and dirty
clothes cover the floor. MIKE shuts the door and locks it.

JOSH
Relax, dude... he'll know what to
do.

44.

MIKE
Hey... you boys wearing wires?

JOSH
No, uncle Mike... it's me, Josh.

MIKE
Oh, god... yeah. How's your mom
doing?

MIKE hugs JOSH.

JOSH
She's good, man. Two weeks left in
rehab.

TOFFOZAL notices the camouflage uniform MIKE is wearing has
the last name "Jones" on the name tape.

TOFFOZAL
Wait, wait, wait... your last
name's Jones?

MIKE
Yeah, why?

JARED
(smiling)
Wait, what's your name?

MIKE
Mike Jones.

JARED
Who?

MIKE
Mike Jones.

TOFFOZAL
Who?

MIKE
Mike Jones! What the fuck are you
gettin' at?

JARED and TOFFOZAL laugh.

TOFFOZAL
Nothing... it's just... pretty
cool.

45.

MIKE
When you hear the name Mike Jones,
you better cower in fear, before I
swallow your head, and shit it
down your mother's throat.

The three men lean back in disgust.

MIKE
Please, have a seat, you guys...
sometimes my post traumatic stress
disorder gets the best of me.

JARED and JOSH sit on the stain riddled couch. MIKE sits on
a crate, and TOFFOZAL looks for a spot to sit.

MIKE
(to Toffozal)
Sit down!

TOFFOZAL plops on the floor.

MIKE
So I figure Josh here probably
told you boys all about my time in
the shit.

TOFFOZAL
No, he didn't tell us anything.

JARED
The shit?

MIKE
Yeah... war, mother fucker.

JARED
Oh, what branch?

MIKE
Coast Guard, ten years.

TOFFOZAL
Coast Guard... what shit did you
see, fuckin' jellyfish stings?

MIKE gets up, moving menacingly toward TOFFOZAL. JOSH holds
him back, trying to calm him down as TOFFOZAL scoots back.

JOSH
We need your help, Uncle Mike.

46.

MIKE
For what, what's going on? Did you
get your wiener caught in your
zipper again?

JOSH
No...

MIKE
So what's the problem? Oh fuck!

MIKE drops to the floor, startling the other men. JOSH
climbs up onto the couch, screaming.

MIKE
Did you guys hear that?

JARED
Hear what, man?!

MIKE
Nevermind... it's gone now.

TOFFOZAL
(under his breath)
What the fuck, dude...

JOSH
My heart is pounding so hard right
now...

JARED
Man, this guy is seriously jacked.

JOSH
Mike, listen... we were working
late, and some guys showed up,
man... real bad dudes, you know?

JARED
They had guns and they're holding
our boss hostage!

MIKE
Jesus, titty fuckin' Christ...
well, I know just what to do, but
first...

MIKE grabs JARED by the collar, and gets face to face.

JARED
Holy shit...

47.

MIKE
We gotta talk to this person I
know... we'll be hooked up with
everything I need. Owes me a favor
anyways.

CUT TO

The four men bust out of the trailer, almost ripping the
door off of its hinges. They all pile into the Hearse, and
drive away.

INT. CEMETERY BUILDING - NIGHT

SCENE 35

BILL is still tied up in the chair. His bruised body lay
still as he snores. The door opens, and he awakens. CHARLIE
walks in, eating a donut.

BOBBY
They got good fuckin' donuts down
the street.

BILL
Judy's donuts?

BOBBY
Yeah! They're good as shit.

BILL
I know, right? Like a crisp outer
shell, harnessing in its powerful
flavor.

BOBBY
Exactly! I might move here... just
for these fuckin' donuts.

BILL
That's why I did. Hey, um... can I
have a bite... of that?

BOBBY
Fuck no... shit's mine. Besides,
if Vincent saw me feeding you,
he'd cut my nipples off, and rip
my face in two.

BILL
Ew, what the hell...

48.

BOBBY
Yeah... tell me about it.

INT. RENALDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SCENE 36

JOSH, JARED, TOFFOZAL, and MIKE are sitting at a dining room
table across from RENALDY, female, age 16, dressed in
professional attire, much like a conservative school girl.
The house is decorated with cat collectables and antique
furniture. RENALDY'S grandma brings a plate of food to her,
and she leaves the room.

JARED
So Renaldy's a girl...

MIKE
Yeah, of course. What the fuck did
you think?

RENALDY
I don't like green beans, Grandma,
you stupid fuck!

She throws the plate at the wall, making the others jump.

RENALDY
What can I do for you this time,
Mike?

MIKE
Well, Renaldy, we need a lot of
shit, man... A Ks, Berettas, and
some hand grenades.

JOSH
I don't know if we'll really need
hand grenades, man... might be
excessive. I'm more of a freindly
kinda guy, you know?

JARED
Right, I mean... rules of
engagement. A bunch of us just
throwing hand grenades around is a
bad idea.

RENALDY
Can that love, peace and chicken
grease bullshit, guys, OK?

49.

MIKE
(to Jared)
Rules of engagement? Shit... when
you engage, rules go out the
fucking window.

MIKE points to TOFFOZAL.

MIKE
Write that down, chief.

TOFFOZAL
I don't have a pen.

JARED
That's OK... I got... I can
remember it.

RENALDY
Unfortunately, I have no more A
Ks... but I do have the M-16a2
service rifle... will that work?

MIKE
Oh, Jesus... those suck.

RENALDY
Oozies?

MIKE
Why don't we just get a bunch of
different shit... like one of
each?

RENALDY
OK, yeah I can do that. Follow me.

The men get up from the table with her.

RENALDY
Grandma, clean this shit up!
Someone can get really hurt!

Just then, TOFFOZAL slips on the food, and falls to his
back.

CUT TO

INT. RENALDY'S ROOM - NIGHT

50.

SCENE 37

RENALDY opens her bedroom door. The room is decorated with
horses and other girly things. It's very clean and
organized.

She pulls a few duffle bags out of her closet, and dumps
them out on her bed, revealing a small arsenal. The boys are
stunned.

RENALDY
Alright... pick what you want.

MIKE starts grabbing guns and he passes them out to the
others.

JARED
Shit yeah!

TOFFOZAL
Holy shit, dude. I'm gonna get so
much pussy with these!

RENALDY slaps TOFFOZAL.

RENALDY
Slap the fuckin' taste out your
mouth!

TOFFOZAL
Ow.

RENALDY
Why the fuck would you say that
word? It's so fucking vulgar, and
in a woman's presence... I go to
church with my grandma every god
damned Sunday, and you're gonna
come in here with that devil
tongue of yours?

TOFFOZAL
What word? Pussy?

RENALDY slaps him again.

RENALDY
What the hell did I just tell,
you... you stupid Mexican.

TOFFOZAL
I'm fucking Indian! I'm sick of
you guys getting shit mixed up!
And how old are you? Like twelve?
(MORE)

51.

TOFFOZAL (cont'd)
I'll rip up all your Pokerman
cards, or whatever the fuck
they're called.

RENALDY places a gun against TOFFOZAL'S nose as the others
try to separate them, and calm them down. GRANDMA enters her
head into the bedroom.

GRANDMA
What's going on in here, Raldy?

RENALDY
Nothing, Grandma! I told you to
fucking knock! Jesus Christ!

GRANDMA ducks out of the room.

MIKE
Holy shit! Just like the old days
in Grenada.

JARED
Alright, stop! Stop, stop you
guys! Look, Renaldy, I'm sorry
about my friend here... but we're
a little tense, and the longer we
mess around here, the more time we
waste, and honestly, time isn't on
our side, so can we please, please
calm the fuck down?

RENALDY
Alright...

TOFFOZAL
Yeah... I'm cool... it's cool.

JOSH is playing around in the background with a handgun,
drawing his gun as if he were in a duel.

JARED
Alright, let's go load up the
hearse, and we'll come back for
the rest.

Suddenly, JOSH'S weapon discharges, frightening everyone in
the room except for RENALDY.

RENALDY
Fuck... that's the third bullet
hole in my wall this month.

52.

EXT. RENALDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SCENE 38

The boys come outside, and open the back of the hearse. They
begin loading guns inside it.

JARED
Alright, let's go back for the
rest.

The boys go inside, leaving JOSH with the hearse.

Suddenly, the girls from the car wash, DAPHNE and SASHA
appear around the corner.

SASHA
I told you I saw them drive by!
Look there it is!

DAPHNE
Wait, wait! There's one of them
right there.

JOSH crawls inside the hearse, and starts it up. He digs
around for a lighter, and puts a joint in his mouth. He
steps back out, and lights his joint.

SASHA
So what's the game plan?

DAPHNE
Just follow my lead, Sasha.

JOSH has his back turned to the girls, as they sneak up on
him. JOSH turns around, hearing something.

DAPHNE lunges, punching JOSH in the throat. He spits the
joint out, gasping for air, and drops to the ground.

SASHA
Oh my god!

DAPHNE
That's what you get, asshole!
Think about that next time you
short someone money!

SASHA leans inside the hearse, and pulls out some note
paper, and a stapler.

SASHA
Daphne, let's leave them a note.

53.

CUT TO

EXT. RENALDY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SCENE 39

JARED, TOFFOZAL, MIKE, and RENALDY come walking out of the
house, carrying the last little bit of the guns. The hearse
peels off, leaving JOSH behind on the ground. JARED'S face
looks confused.

TOFFOZAL
What the hell is going on?

JARED runs up to JOSH, who has a piece of paper stapled to
his head.

JARED
What the fuck just happened, Josh?

JOSH
Throat punch!

JARED notices the note on JOSH'S chest. He rips it away,
causing more pain for JOSH.

He stares at the letter, reading it, more confused than
ever.

TOFFOZAL
What is it?

JARED
It's a note...

TOFFOZAL
You gonna read it, or...?

JARED
"Dear prick lickers... maybe
you'll think twice before you rip
someone off when they wash your
gay ass fag wagon... If you want
it back, meet us at the gas
station on Temperance. You owe us
ten dollars plus interest... call
it an even 200."

TOFFOZAL
Two hundred dollars?!

54.

JOSH
(raspy)
It is not a fag wagon!

JOSH gets up, rubbing his throat.

JARED
Renaldy... you got a car we can
use?

RENALDY
Yeah... but now you gotta do
something for me.

JARED
Sure, anything...

RENALDY
Smoke me out.

JARED
Nope. I'm not gonna smoke a kid
out, no way.

RENALDY
Well, I guess you don't need a
ride, then...

RENALDY starts to walk away.

JARED
Wait, wait, wait!

INT. GARAGE - NIGHT

SCENE 40

JARED, JOSH, TOFFOZAL,MIKE, and RENALDY are hanging out in
RENALDY'S garage. They are all passing a bong around.

RENALDY
This is amazing shit. I had an
indoor grow last year, and even
when I switched from metal halide
bulbs to high pressure sodium
bulbs, I still couldn't produce
nugs this frosty.

JARED
What the hell, chick? You grow?

55.

RENALDY
Nah, nah. I did grow. Past tense.
My shit got raided.

JOSH
I got this stuff off a dead guy
that came in to the parlor one
day. Someone left it in his coat
pocket.

JOSH is giggling.

JARED
That's sick, dude!

JOSH
What? How so?

TOFFOZAL
You took it off a dead guy!

JOSH
Well, yeah, but I mean... it's not
like we're sucking his dead dick,
or anything!

RENALDY
But, it wasn't yours to take. It
was the dead guy's. You took it
from him, someone who needed it
way more than we do... shame on
you, man.

JOSH looks remorseful.

JOSH
Well, now I just feel bad...

RENALDY
Nah, I'm just fucking with you.
You can't smoke weed when you're
dead! Fuck him.

RENALDY takes another bong hit, and then passes it along.

MIKE
That is so hardcore... hey, what's
the weirdest place you guys have
ever jerked-off?

Everyone's disgusted.

56.

RENALDY
Well, now that, is sick.

TOFFOZAL
I don't know. I never really
thought about it.

TOFFOZAL takes a bong hit.

TOFFOZAL
(to mike)
What about you?

MIKE
Me?

TOFFOZAL
Yeah, you brought it up.

MIKE
I'd have to say going down the
freeway...

JOSH
Wha-?

RENALDY
No way, Mike.

MIKE
Yeah, it was awesome. The other
passengers on the bus didn't seem
to be happy, but I had a good
time.

Everyone is shocked, yet laughing.

JARED
Wait, what the fuck are we doing!?

The room is silent.

MIKE
Getting high?

JARED
Exactly! Bill needs our help out
there, and we're sitting right
here getting stoned! What's wrong
with us? Let's go!

Everyone jumps up, ready to leave in a hurry. TOFFOZAL
throws the bong behind them all, breaking it.

57.

INT. GRANDMA'S CAR - NIGHT

SCENE 41

The boys are crammed in the back of RENALDY'S grandma's '80s
model Buick. GRANDMA is driving, and RENALDY sits shotgun.
The car creeps slowly down the road.

RENALDY pulls a bowl and spoon from out of nowhere. She then
adds a handful of tortilla chips into the bowl. Then she
pulls out a jug of milk, and pours it into the bowl, and
begins eating it like cereal.

GRANDMA
Are you high on marijuana again,
young lady?

RENALDY
Hmm? Fuckin' blitzed, Grandma.

GRANDMA
(Under her breath)
Well, thanks for sharing, you
stingy snatch...

The car continues to roll slowly.

JARED
Thank you for giving us a ride,
Ma'am.

The car is silent. JARED is impatient with how slow GRANDMA
is driving.

JARED
I think... I think the speed
limit's forty, so you're OK to...
to speed up a bit.

The car is still silent.

JARED
(quietly)
Guys this is bullshit. We can
literally walk faster than this.

TOFFOZAL
Her blinker's on.

58.

JARED
Are we turning? Are we turning
right here? No? No we're not turn-
OK I guess we're not turning
there.

The car rolls through an intersection.

JARED
OK this is good, right here,
actually, thank you. You can just
let us out right here.

The boys get out of the car while it is still moving. JOSH
stays in his seat. JARED rips him out of the car.

JOSH
Thank you for the ride!

The boys walk alongside the car, passing it up.

RENALDY pops her head out of the window.

RENALDY
You guys sure you don't want us to
take you the rest of the way?
Grandma just got a new book on
tape!

JOSH
Aw, nah-uh! What story?

JARED yanks JOSH behind him to silence his conversation.

JARED
We're good, thank you!

The boys continue walking, somewhat briskly. The car parts
ways.

TOFFOZAL
This is lame, man...

INT. CEMETERY BUILDING - NIGHT

SCENE 42

CHARLIE and VINCENT are standing at the desk. VINCENT is
smoking a cigarette.

59.

VINCENT
I want you to get a list of every
fuckin' grave dug within the last
24 hours from this guy. The last
thing we need is someone finding
out about that 500 grand, and the
next thing you know I'm in prison,
and half a million less.

CHARLIE
I know, Vinny, we don't want that.
And when we find the money, what's
our next move with him?

VINCENT
We'll kill him anyways. No loose
ends.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

SCENE 43

The men are walking down the street.

MIKE
This reminds me of the time I was
in Nam... Charlie stole our tank-

A HOMELESS MAN sitting on a bench sticks out a cup.

HOMELESS MAN
Spare change?

JARED
Oh, no thanks.

HOMELESS MAN
(to himself)
Fuck my life.

The boys pass an alley where a shopping cart full of bags
and rope, and two bikes lean against the fence.

JOSH
Wait, wait, wait... guys, I have
an idea.

CUT TO

60.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

SCENE 44

JOSH is tying a rope to the shopping cart from one of the
bikes.

He finishes his creation, and we now see two bikes with
ropes trailing from the seats, to the front of the shopping
cart.

JOSH
See... now we can get to the
hearse faster by towing this
shopping cart. Ingenuity, dude.

JARED points at JOSH.

JARED
OK. You and me will get in the
cart, and Fozzy and Mike will pull
it.

TOFFOZAL
Wait, dude, why do I gotta pull
it?

JARED
Because you're the new guy.

TOFFOZAL
You know what, I'm sick of this
new guy shit! You give me all the
crap jobs, and you guys are always
making fun of my ethnicity, I've-

JARED
OK, shit! I didn't think you were
gonna be such a pussy about
everything. Damn, dude, why don't
you grow a sack and stop crying
about shit like a little, fucking,
French baby?

MIKE and JOSH laugh.

TOFFOZAL
What? I'm just saying I don't
appreciate all the crap you guys
give me.

JARED
There you go, crying again.

61.

TOFFOZAL
I'm not crying! Do I have a tear
in my eye? No!

JARED rolls his eyes.

JARED
You know what, fine... be a pussy,
me and Josh will pull you two.

TOFFOZAL
Fine.

TOFFOZAL and MIKE get in the cart as JARED and JOSH climb
onto the bikes. The two men start towing the cart.

JOSH
My thighs hurt, dude.

TOFFOZAL
(to Mike)
Hey, this is actually kind of fun.

The makeshift wagon picks up speed, zooming down the street.

MIKE
Reminds me of Desert Storm.

JOSH reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a joint, and a
lighter.

TOFFOZAL
(discrediting Mike)
You rode a shopping cart in the
Middle East?

MIKE
Um...

JOSH veers off to the right, him and JARED splitting a
street sign.

TOFFOZAL
(to Jared and Josh)
Oh, shit! Wait, wait! No!

MIKE and TOFFOZAL scream as JARED turns around to look at
them.

JARED
What the hell's your guys' prob-

62.

The shopping cart slams into the street sign, throwing MIKE
and TOFFOZAL out, and causing JARED and JOSH to flip over
the handle bars.

JARED
Ow, god damn it!

JOSH
(screaming)
Ah Sam Elliot!

Pause a few beats as the group shakes off their pain.

TOFFOZAL
Did you just yell 'Sam Elliot'?

The four men get up and dust themselves off.

JARED
Tonight sucks!

JOSH
What the fuck... happened, man? I
just lit a joint and suddenly I'm
on the ground, dude. Hurt...

TOFFOZAL pushes JOSH.

TOFFOZAL
You split the pole you stupid
idiot!

MIKE
(to Toffozal)
Hey, don't push my nephew!

JARED
(to Mike)
You know what? Don't talk to my
rookie like that!

JOSH
(to Jared)
Lay off my uncle, man!

JARED pushes JOSH.

JARED
Shut your face, Josh!

JOSH
Why is everyone pushing me? I'm a
lover, not a fighter, man.

63.

MIKE
Don't push my nephew!

MIKE shoves JARED. TOFFOZAL shoves MIKE.

TOFFOZAL
Get your hands off my boss!

JARED
Don't be stupid, Fozzy, I'm not
your boss.

JARED cocks his fist back and bounces toward MIKE. JOSH and
TOFFOZAL hold him back.

JOSH
Wait, wait, wait, man!

JARED
No, fuck that, Josh. This whole
night is fucked up! I'm tired, I'm
hungry, and I just want to hurry
up, and save Bill!

JARED finally calms down.

JOSH
You're hungry?

JARED
Yeah!

JOSH
Anyone else hungry?

MIKE
Yeah, I could eat.

TOFFOZAL
Sure...

JOSH
Me too.

CUT TO

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

SCENE 45

The four men are riding their makeshift wagon again, eating
burgers.

64.

MIKE
I'm super glad we went through
that drive thru.

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

SCENE 46

BILL is still tied up in his chair. VINCENT is sitting
across from him. He takes his gun out of his coat pocket,
and places it on BILL'S desk. BILL whimpers.

VINCENT
So this is basically what's gonna
happen. We're gonna take this gun,
put a bullet in it, and make that
bullet jump from this gun, into
your head.

BILL
Why? What did I do to you guys?

VINCENT
What?

BILL
I said-

VINCENT
No, no... I heard you, it's just,
weird question, I mean, no one's
ever asked that question before,
it's more like, "please, what do
you want?" not, what did I do to
you.

BILL stares blankly.

VINCENT
Well, you didn't do anything. You
saw what we were doing out there,
and we can't have that. Besides, I
can't have you walkin' around,
knowing that I got 500 grand
stashed in one of your coffins.

VINCENT picks up the gun, and aims it at BILL'S head. He
makes a quiet gunshot sound with his mouth, and BILL jumps.

BILL
I gave you the list of new
burials! What more do you want?
I've cooperated every step of the
(MORE)

65.

BILL (cont'd)
way!

VINCENT
It's business, my friend...

EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

SCENE 47

CHARLIE and BOBBY are walking around the graveyard with
flashlights.

BOBBY
Hey, Charlie, you think they get
any hot girls in here?

CHARLIE
What do you mean, like sad women
who bury their dead boyfriends
from a drinking and driving
accident?

BOBBY
No, like crackin' open a cold one,
know what I'm sayin'?

CHARLIE
You're sick, Bobby.

BOBBY
What? I'm just sayin'... dead
girls can't say no.

CHARLIE
Shut your disgusting, little
mouth. I don't wanna talk about
banging dead chicks.

BOBBY
C'mon, lighten up... what are we
supposed to be looking for anyway?

CHARLIE
Um... first one on the list is
Diana Belman. She should be right
up here by that tree.

BOBBY
Oh... so you don't think they get
hot fresh ones in here?

66.

CHARLIE
Shut up, and start diggin'.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

SCENE 48

The boys ride their rickety caravan down the road toward a
distant gas station. They're physically exhausted, and
emotionally drained.

JARED
OK... I see the gas station, guys.

JOSH
And there's the hearse! Look! Oh
man, I missed him!

TOFFOZAL
Missed who?

JOSH
The hearse!

TOFFOZAL
The hearse is male?

JOSH
Of course, bro!

TOFFOZAL
Hmm. Weird.

JOSH
How is it weird, dude?

TOFFOZAL
Well, nothing really. I mean, it's
just... most people give their
cars a female persona...

JOSH
(disagreeing)
Mmmm... no...

TOFFOZAL
That's actually a fact... there,
Josh...

The boys approach the gas station. The girls appear from in
between the pumps, their arms crossed.

67.

JARED
Bitches...

JOSH
Aw, there's those girls! I would
drink a gallon of their pee just
to see where it came from.

JARED
You are so disgusting sometimes,
Josh. No wonder why you have lady
trouble.

The boys stop the bikes, and the cart slams into the back of
them, knocking JOSH to the ground. JARED maintains. The boys
dismount, and JOSH rushes to the hearse.

JOSH
Jefferey!

TOFFOZAL
Wow...

DAPHNE punches JOSH in the throat again, knocking him to the
ground once more.

JARED
Whoa! What the hell?!

DAPHNE
Shut your mouth, or you're next.
Do you have our money?

JOSH
Why does everyone wanna hurt me?!
I'm a lover, not a fighter!

MIKE helps JOSH get up. The girls are still on edge, ready
to pounce.

JARED
Um... well...

JARED is unable to speak.

DAPHNE
Hello? I'm fuckin' talking to you!

JARED
We don't actually, necessarily
have any money.

68.

SASHA
There's an ATM inside...

JOSH
(raspy)
Aw, I'm totally down for ass to
mouth, we just can't pay you for
it.

DAPHNE
We're not whores, you moron!

TOFFOZAL tries to calm everyone down by getting in between
them.

TOFFOZAL
Wait, wait, wait, wait... what
he's trying to say is we literally
have no money. We work at a
cemetery that pays hardly
anything.

SASHA
Sounds like a personal problem.

JOSH
It's a personal problem that has
evidently affected you,
subsequently it has become your
problem as well.

The boys look at JOSH, surprised and confused.

JOSH
(to the guys)
What?

DAPHNE
Well, your car is out of gas, so
looks like you're going to have to
come up with some amount of
money...

JARED
Great...

JOSH
I think I need to go to the
hospital.

JARED
Now what are we gonna do?

69.

JOSH notices the tail light is smashed out.

JOSH
No! What happened to the tail
light?!

SASHA
Collateral damage.

JARED
This is just perfect. Bill's in
danger, no gas, no money, and now
the tail light is broken. What
else can go wrong in one night.

DAPHNE
Let's not forget you owe us.

JARED
Look... I promise, we'll pay you,
but right now is really not a good
time. We're kind of in a hurry and
we need to get going.

SASHA
Oh, I'm sorry... If I would've
known we would be such an
inconvenience to you, we wouldn't
have bothered you.

JOSH
Thank you.

DAPHNE
She was being sarcastic, nimrod.

JOSH
(under his breath)
Your mom's a nimrod...

DAPHNE raises her hand like she's going to hit JOSH. Josh
flinches.

JARED
Ladies, please. It's really
complicated-

DAPHNE
Start talking...

70.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SCENE 49

CHARLIE and BOBBY are just about done digging up the grave.

CHARLIE
Wow... they only buried this three
feet down... lazy schmucks.

The two men start sweeping away at the dirt with their
hands, exposing a coffin.

BOBBY
God, I hope it's in here...

They clear the dirt away from the coffin, and open it up.
Inside is indeed a woman, and not Eddie Marks.

CHARLIE
God damn it! Let's move on to the
next one.

BOBBY
All that work for nothin'.

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

SCENE 50

The boys are still negotiating with the girls.

JARED
So basically, it's up to us to
save his life, and the longer you
keep us standing around here, the
more likely his chances of getting
dead.

DAPHNE slow claps.

DAPHNE
It's amazing the bullshit you can
pull out of your ass...

JARED
Seriously! Look!

JARED opens the back of the hearse, exposing the guns. The
girls peek in, and grow astounded at the truth.

71.

SASHA
You guys really weren't kidding...

JARED
Right. So if you'll please... let
us go inside, and talk to the
clerk. Maybe he'll let us have a
gallon or so of gas.

TOFFOZAL
That won't happen dude.

JARED
We can at least try.

JARED makes his way for the store, JOSH tags along, and
TOFFOZAL and MIKE stay behind with the hearse.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SCENE 51

CHARLIE and BOBBY are walking to the next grave on the list.

BOBBY
Couldn't they put these stiffs
closer together?

CHARLIE
Stop your whining, Bobby. The next
one is Benjamin Reyes. Keep your
eyes out, should be around this
area.

INT. CONVIENIENT STORE - NIGHT

SCENE 52

The store clerk, CARL, and the janitor, BENNY, are hanging
out inside. The two men stare out of the window at the two
girls. They look like dogs waiting for food.

CARL
Damn man. Look at the ass on that
one.

INSERT CLOSE UP OF THE GIRLS' ASSES.

CARL
It's like her butt cheeks are
staring at me. Like they are
asking for me to put my face in
(MORE)

72.

CARL (cont'd)
them.

BENNY
Yeah man.

CARL
Damn.

BENNY
Well I better go man. I'm gonna
be late for work.

CARL
You're at work right now stupid.

BENNY
Oh shit man, well that was fast!

CARL
What was fast?

BENNY
Getting to work, man.

Pause.

CARL
Get your ass to working, man,
you're killing my fantasy!

JOSH and JARED walk in, and up to the counter.

JARED
Hi there. My friend and I are in
a bit of trouble. We have had a
shitty night and all we need is a
little break.

CARL stares at them both irritated. JARED sensing that his
plea is going no one he quickly changes his tune.

JARED
We need some gas.

CARL
OK, how much do you want on pump
8?

JARED
That's the thing we don't have any
money. Our money is back at work
and we need the gas to get there.

73.

CARL
So you want me to just give you
some gas?

JARED
(Unsure)
Yes?

CARL
Have you seen the price of gas?
That shit's five bucks a gallon,
and you want me to fill up your
busted ass meat wagon for free?
Hell to the no I won't buy you a
gallon!

JOSH
Dude, please!

JARED
Look, man... it's only one gallon.
I'll pay you back! I'll leave my
shoes here as collateral.

CARL
I don't want your damn shoes! You
want gas? Tell that blonde with
the big ass to come in here in sit
on my wiener. Then I'll give you
some gas. Ass for gas.

JARED
Is there nothing else we can
trade? C'mon, dude...

CARL
No!

JARED
Aw, fuck! You're a dick!

JARED frustrated, starts to walk out of the store pissed.
CARL stands there shaking his head. JOSH just stands there
looking out of place and awkward.

JARED
I hope you get dick cancer. You
piece of shit!

CARL
Yeah I'm probably will get cancer
breathing all these gas fumes.
(Acting like he is breathing
heavy) You know that shit that you
(MORE)

74.

CARL (cont'd)
don't got!

JARED
Come on, Josh, lets go.

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

SCENE 53

TOFFOZAL is washing the windows of the Hearse. MIKE throws a
wad of paper towel at him, and TOFFOZAL flings water off of
the squigee at MIKE.

The girls are standing around with their arms crossed,
watching the boys act like fools. JARED and JOSH walk up.

TOFFOZAL
Hey... did it work?

JARED
No... the dude was a dick.

JOSH
All we need is like, five bucks,
too.

MIKE
Is that enough to get us to the
cemetery?

JARED
Yeah... have you not been out in
town? You can't miss the giant
lawn with thousands of
gravestones.

MIKE
Hey, relax, Jared. I don't get out
much. Not since the war.

TOFFOZAL
OK, dude, serriously? Which one
are you talking about, now?

MIKE
Hey, Apu, I don't like your smart
mouth.

TOFFOZAL
Finally, you got the right
ethnicity... still rude, though.

75.

JARED
OK, anywho! Let's fucking get some
gas in this warlock. Lyin' ass
Mike, can you please scrounge for
change under the seats?

MIKE
Yeah... sure.

JOSH
Hey, good idea! I dropped like,
$1.38 down there over the course
of two months.

MIKE begins digging the car as JOSH lights a joint.

JARED
Are you fucking serious right now,
Josh?

JOSH
What, dude?

JARED
We're right next to gasoline! All
you ever do is smoke pot, man! I'm
getting really fucking tired of
it!

JOSH
Bro! You smoke a lot of pot, too!
It helps me to calm down.

JARED
Yeah it also helps you to fuck
shit up, too! And sure, I smoke a
little herb, but not when I need
to stay level headed! The reason
why everything has been screwed up
tonight is because of you and your
weed!

JOSH
Nah uh!

JARED pushes JOSH against the Hearse.

JARED
Our hearse got stolen because you
were busy smoking! We wrecked the
shopping cart because you were
lighting a joint!

76.

TOFFOZAL
Seriously, can you not smoke
around the gas tanks?

JARED
You, Josh, are the world's biggest
fuck up, and if it weren't for us
working together, I wouldn't even
fucking talk to you!

JOSH punches JARED in the mouth, knocking him to the ground.
JARED holds his mouth in shock.

JARED
Ah, punched me in the mouth!

MIKE
Oh, yeah... blood and guts!

TOFFOZAL
Holy shit, dude!

JARED
You made a big mistake... a big
fucking mistake!

JOSH
Whoa, I've never punched anybody
in my life! Feels kinda good!

JARED tackles JOSH, and the two men wrestle on the ground.
The fight becomes epic.

JOSH gets slammed against the side of the Hearse again, this
time, the glass breaks out on the other side. Squeegees are
flung about as swords.

At one point, JOSH takes a nozzle away from another customer
and begins spraying JARED with gasoline.

JOSH
Light you on fire!

BENNY rushes outside and separates the two.

BENNY
Whoa, whoa, whoa! This got out of
hand, way fast! You're not burnin'
anyone to death here, man...

JOSH
I might! You don't know what I'm
capable of! One time I was playing
a video game, and I killed all the
(MORE)

77.

JOSH (cont'd)
innocent people instead of the bad
guys!

TOFFOZAL
This is ridiculous... you two are
friends! You shouldn't be
fighting!

JARED
He started it.

JOSH
Nah ah!

TOFFOZAL
What are you guys, like six?

MIKE
Whoo! Pumps my nads, man!

JARED
This is bullshit! Josh attacked
me, you saw it!

JOSH
You said some really hurtful shit,
man! I'm not the only one who
likes to puff the magic dragon!

JARED
Screw you, dude! I smoke
responsibly! And what the hell
happened to love and peace? You
went straight to murder!

JOSH
I blacked out.

MIKE
Is it weird if I have a boner?

CUT TO

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

SCENE 54

JOSH walks away from the group with BENNY. He is heartbroken
by JARED'S hurtful words. He stands near a few bushes close
to the storefront.

78.

BENNY
Hey, man... I saw and heard the
whole thing. You know he's right,
man.

JOSH
How could he be? He treats me bad
all the time! And how could
something so rawesome, such as
marijuana, cause any problems at
all?

BENNY
Well, too much of a good thing can
be bad, man... Look at me! I'm in
my sixties and I'm a janitor at a
gas station! I'm high all the
time!

JOSH
Aw, man... I don't wanna work at a
gas station...

BENNY
Yeah, it sucks dicks, man! Like, a
whole bag of dicks. You know what?
I can help you out! You should
like, give me all your weed,
man... that way you don't get to
be like me.

JOSH slowly pulls out a little baggie, and stares longingly
into it. He slowly hands the bag over to BENNY.

BENNY
And don't worry about life, you
will do great if you keep trying.

JOSH
Wow, really?

BENNY
Yep. Now, go to your friends, and
help them to succeed, man...

JOSH
(whispering)
Are you Jesus?

BENNY
Doubtful... but I could be.

79.

JOSH
That would be cool.

BENNY
And one more thing; the pump
should be on. But you need to
hurry. I told Carl that you guys
were going get that blonde give
him a blow job, man.

JOSH
Dude you are like Jesus! Thanks
man.

BENNY
Yeah maybe the helping with the
gas part, but I don't think Jesus
would lie about blow jobs.

JOSH
I don't know, man. If his dad
found out he got a blow job, he'd
be pretty pissed about it. I'd lie
if I were Jesus.

INT. CONVENIENT STORE - NIGHT

SCENE 55

CARL sprays his mouth breath fresher. He looks in the
mirror. BENNY walks in.

            CARL
      (still looking in
       mirror)
Yeah baby... Tell that bitch to
meet me in the back.

CARL starts to walk away.

BENNY
Oh, man, I uh... I can't do that.

CARL stops dead in his tracks.

CARL
What do you mean you can't tell
her?

BENNY
Well, I lied man.

80.

BENNY
Well... I lied about blow job. So
I can't ask. I couldn't even get
that chick to suck my dick. She's
is way out of our league man.

CARL
What?! That just cost me 87
dollars! 87 dollars!

BENNY
Look on the bright side; at least
they got free gas.

CARL
But that doesn't help me?! And I
didn't even get my dick sucked.

A GIRL walks into the gas station.

GIRL
Who's dick do I gotta suck to get
some gas around here?

CARL points at BENNY.

CARL
You're lucky.

EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT

SCENE 56

TOFFOZAL
Look, this is bullshit. I didn't
sign up for this. I was supposed
to be on a date tonight with
Wendy, the job sucks, you guys are
assholes... can't even get my
ethnicity right, you fucking
racists! I'm out of here...
fuckin' mafia...

JOSH and JARED pause.

JOSH
Where are you going, Fozzy?

JARED
You can't walk away from us!
You're in too deep!

81.

TOFFOZAL walks away, flipping them all off as he goes.

JARED
Whatever, fuck that guy.

Suddenly, the pump dings, notifying the boys that they can
start pumping gas.

JARED
Whoa, what the hell? This thing's
on!

MIKE
Sweet!

JARED starts pumping gas into the hearse.

JARED
Ha! Must be broken.

JOSH
(whipsering)
It's a gas station miracle...

JARED
Alright, that's it. Mount up!

The boys start to get in the hearse.

DAPHNE
Not so fast... we're coming, too.

JARED
No, it's way too dangerous.

SASHA
We like dangerous.

DAPHNE
Plus you owe us $200. Now move out
of the way.

The girls crawl into the hearse as the boys reluctantly let
them. The hearse peels out, and the store CLERK steps
outside.

He sees the roach JOSH dropped on the ground, picks it up,
and just like in "Up in Smoke", he licks his fingers and
sucks the smoke from the roach. The roach rattles about in
his wet fingertips, and launches into his mouth, gagging
him.

82.

INT. CEMETERY BUILDING - NIGHT

SCENE 57

VINCENT is squeezing BILL'S ear with a pair of pliers.

BILL
I swear I'm telling the truth!

VINCENT lets go.

BILL
I didn't hide your money! I didn't
even know that you stashed money
here!

VINCENT
Then where the hell is it?! Are
you playing some kind of joke on
me?!

BILL
I don't know! Like I said before,
my employees must have buried the
wrong caskets in the wrong graves!
They do that shit all the time!

VINCENT
You fucking lying to me again?
I'll rip your god damned ear off,
I swear!

VINCENT goes to put the pliers on BILL'S ear again.

BILL
No! I swear on my son's life! I'm
not lying!

VINCENT
Again with the yellimg... I'm
right fucking here! You don't need
to yell!

BILL
I'm sorry... you're a little
scary.

VINCENT
Oh... thank you.

VINCENT giggles.

83.

BILL
Look, I'm telling you the truth. I
don't know where those dope burn
outs buried your friend and your
money. They called me complaining
about three guys digging. I just
showed up and you pulled me in
here, I don't know a fucking
thing!

VINCENT
So, somebody else is here? Where
the fuck are they?

BILL
I don't know! They probably took
off because they were afraid!
Look, let me go, you can have full
range of the cemetery, just please
don't hurt me!

VINCENT turns his back on BILL. He looks worried, and irate.

VINCENT
Shit... this changes everything.
You should've been honest with me
from the beginning, you sack of
shit!

VINCENT takes the pliers to BILL'S ear one more time.

BILL
No, no, no, no! Please, I'm sorry!

INT. HEARSE - NIGHT

SCENE 58

The boys are driving along, the girls with them. MIKE is
driving, JOSH is sitting shotgun, and JARED is in the back
with the girls.

DAPHNE
So, who is this guy that's got
your boss again?

JARED
Look, Daphne, is it? Sasha? We
don't really know exactly. We
think he's a mob boss type guy,
you know?

84.

JOSH
He reminds me of Tony Ganios.

JARED
No, you're thinking of the other
guy. The one that always plays a
mobster in the movies.

MIKE
Robert DiNero.

JARED
Yeah him. Robert DiNero.

JOSH
Mmmm, no... He looks more like the
guy who played Meat in that one
movie.

JARED
Yeah, well... whatever the fuck
you're talking about doesn't
matter. He's a bad dude.

DAPHNE
We think it's kinda hot, that you
guys are like, real life action
heroes.

JOSH giggles uncontrollably.

JARED
Well, we owe it to him. He saved
us from jail, and now it's our
turn to save him from the mob.

Suddenly, police lights shine through the back window. The
hearse is being pulled over.

JARED
Oh fuck! Now what? Shit, shit,
shit!

JOSH
What about our probation, Jared? I
can't go to prison, man! I'm a
lover, not a fighter! They got a
word for people like me there,
man!

85.

JARED
Just, try to stay calm! Mike, just
pull over, we'll talk ourselves
out of this.

MIKE looks extremely worried.

MIKE
I'm freaking out, man!

JARED
What? Why?

MIKE
I can't do this! There's something
I gotta tell you guys... I'm not
really a war veteran.

JARED
You don't say...

MIKE
I'm a fraud. I was never even in
the Coast Guard. I was just a
volunteer who helped them clean up
an oil spill. This isn't even my
real hair!

MIKE pulls his mullet wig off, almost in tears.

JOSH
What the hell?! You've had that
mullet since I was a little kid,
man!

MIKE
I'm sorry, Joshy!

JARED
Look, dude, just pull over,
everything's going to be OK.

MIKE
I'm scared!

JARED
Don't be, Mike! Look, even as a
volunteer, you're still a bad ass.
What you did showed a lot of...

JOSH
Dedication!

86.

JARED
Yeah, dedication! And I bet you
did a damn good job of cleaning
off those baby seals!

MIKE
I cleaned the shit out of them!

JARED
See, Mike? You can be a hero right
now, man.

MIKE
A hero?

JOSH
Yeah, dude!

JARED
Definitely. This is your moment,
Mike. Don't fall apart. Be that
hero you always were.

MIKE
I'm a fuckin' hero!

MIKE slaps his wig back on haphazardly. The girls look at
each other astonished by the stupidity.

JARED
Now, pull this hearse over, and
let me get rid of these cops.

MIKE stops the hearse, and he and JOSH roll down their
windows.

JARED
OK, everybody just relax, and let
me do most of the talking.

One officer approaches the driver's side, and the other on
the passenger. They shine their flashlights into the car.

COP
You know you got a tail light out?

JOSH
Yeah, and I'm still pretty pissed
about it!

JARED
Shut up, Josh...

87.

COP #2
(to Josh)
Hey, keep your hands where I can
see them.

JOSH
My bad, cop.

COP #2
Peace Officer.

JOSH
Whatevs...

JARED
We were just headed back to work.
We work at the cemetery,
obviously...

COP
Obviously... license and
registration, please.

MIKE pulls out his driver's license, and JOSH reaches for
the registration. As he opens the glove box, a large bag of
marijuana falls out onto his lap. He looks quickly back to
the cop.

COP #2
You got a prescription for that,
kid?

JOSH
Uh...

JARED
God damn it, Josh, you mother
fucker...

The cops draw their weapons, and JOSH rolls his window up,
as if to save him from a bullet.

COP
Get out of the car!

MIKE
I'm a fucking hero!

MIKE explodes from the hearse, knocking one cop to the
ground with the door. He runs out, acting crazy. The other
cop begins to give chase.

88.

JARED
Mike! What the fuck are you
doing?!

MIKE
Being a hero! You guys save Bill!

The cops are chasing MIKE around as he darts into the
shadows. JARED jumps into the driver seat, and puts the
hearse in gear.

JARED
Let's get the hell out of here!

JOSH
Let's have a moment of silence for
Uncle Mike and his sacrifice for
us.

The car is silent as they drive along.

JOSH
By the way, Jared, I'm not talking
to you anymore.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT

SCENE 59

BOBBY and CHARLIE are still searching the cemetery with
their flashlights. BOBBY walks up to a cherub tombstone.

BOBBY
Hey, Charlie, watch this!

BOBBY begins humping the cherub's face, as CHARLIE watches
in disgust.

CHARLIE
C'mon, Bobby! Are you fucking
serious? You can't have a little
more respect for the dead?

BOBBY stops.

BOBBY
What do you mean? I'm not
disrespectin' no stiffs.

CHARLIE
That's someone's eternal resting
place! Think of it as that grave
is their bed, and that headstone
(MORE)

89.

CHARLIE (cont'd)
is their pillow.

BOBBY shrugs his shoulders as if to say "so",

CHARLIE
You're fuckin' their pillow!

BOBBY looks down at the grave as CHARLIE walks away.

BOBBY
(to the headstone)
Sorry...

BOBBY follows CHARLIE.

CHARLIE
Here it is. Dig in.

BOBBY and CHARLIE start digging again.

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

SCENE 60

BILL has almost passed out from the pain. VINCENT is wiping
off the bloody pliers with a handkerchief.

VINCENT
You've really upset me tonight,
you know that? I hope for your
sake we find that money, and your
dumbass employees don't alert the
cops... otherwise it'll be one
painful night for you.

BILL
You've already caused me enough
pain, you son of a bitch...

VINCENT
Don't you dare call my mama a
bitch! Sheila Borzoni is a saint!

BILL
Yeah, she did a real good job
raising you.

VINCENT begins slapping BILL, adding insult to injury.

90.

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

SCENE 61

The hearse pulls into the shadows of the alley, and the
lights turn off. JARED gets out, and the others follow.

JARED
We gotta do something about this
light. I don't wanna risk getting
pulled over again.

They all inspect the tail light.

SASHA
The bulb looks good. It's just the
lens that's busted.

JARED
We need something red to cover the
hole...

Everyone looks at each other, trying to figure out a
solution.

DAPHNE
I um... I might have something...

CUT TO

EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT

SCENE 62

DAPHNE is stuffing a pair of red panties i