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Rugby Scrum
by Chad Noll (cmnoll2@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

College comedy based on a rugby team that had a little hard luck but ends up making things right for their school.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



                       MICK AS NARRATOR
      (As Narrator)
Jay Fenton was his name and
sports, girls, and drinking was
his game, of course not
necessarily in that order. Jay
grew up on the outskirts of
Chicago in which he dreamed of one
day growing up and playing
football for the Chicago Bears.
During intro show Jay helping Melody and Christi move into
their dorm. Throwing a little football with a big smile on
his face.

Cut to a shot of his high school football coach.
                       JAY' FOOTBALL COACH
      (Behind a desk)
Jay was never the best athlete,
but he put work, heart, and
attitude into everything he did.
Back to moving in day.
                       MICK AS NARRATOR
      (Voice over)
We pick up Jay's life in his third
year of college. He decided to
transfer from a local community
college located in the Chicago
Suburbs to the more distant
Southern Missouri University. He
was able to drag along enough
credits that entitled him to the
status of second semester
sophomore. He didn't think his
girlfriend would follow him.
Jay helping the girls move into their all girls dorm. Girls
are lying out, Jay checking them out, girls crying and
hugging their parents bye. It is a normal college moving day


Melody bossing Jay around a little. Jay bossing right back.
Background and more description of characters.
                       MICK AS NARRATOR
      (Voice over)
His leeching girlfriend, Melody,
followed him to school. Melody
Werner was her name. She was a
pretty Italian girl with a happy
go lucky attitude that could
change in an instant when tempted.
Jay and Melody have a fight- sex
relationship. Either they are
fighting or screwing. She was
excited to be entering her first
year of college with Jay and her
best friend Christy. Melody and
Christy lived across campus in an
all girls dorm that housed 150
scarcely dressed tanned coeds.
      (To Melody)
We better pick up the pace. I
still have to move in myself.
Jay looking at a couple of girls with tight shirts and
shorts on.
      (To Self)
I hope my coed dorm floor has
hotties like that.
      (From Bathroom)
We will help me you big lug.
Melody is in the bathroom fixing her hair.
Yea right, just like you are
helping now.
Mick with the help of his parents moving into the dorm.


      (To Parents)
Man this is a lot of floors up. I
hope being on the thirteenth floor
isn't a sign of bad things to
The elevator in the lobby has a mile long line of coeds and
parents wanting to move into the high rise dormitory
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
Let's take the stairs.
      (Looks at his dad
       in disbelief.)
All right, if you can handle it.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
If I can handle it? Son, I work
for a living.
                       MICK'S MOM
Ok, you two let's go before more
people decide to take the stairs.
Mick and his dad walking down the hall overhearing the
student resident assistant (RA) crying on the phone saying
that they put her in the worst dorm on campus.
      (To Dad)
That's not a good sign.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
Oh you will just have to make the
most of this opportunity. You
don't want to have to work as hard
as I do everyday.
I know dad. I won't disappoint
you and mom.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
You never have and never will.
They move to the end of the hall.


Jay proclaiming while entering a small dirty dorm room.
Talking to his girlfriend and her roomate Christie.
Look at this shit hole! I knew it
I just knew it, they stuck us in
the dorm with all of the dorks.
Not to mention my roommate looks
like a computer geek.
We view his roommate from afar setting up his computer.
Hey, I'm Jay Jay. You going to
help with my homework?
I'm Nate and I'll tutor you if
need be.
This dorm was supposed to be coed,
but it only has a twenty to one
guy/girl ratio.
At least we can chat online and
talk to each other.
      (To Nate)
Well, I guess we will have to make
the most of this situation, right
It's Nate.
Whatever Jake.
Cool you have a TV. I can splice
my router to get updated software
downloads from the library and


      (Just to Melody)
We are going to have to lighten up
this clown if we are going to have
any fun.
Two students occupy each dorm room, which shared a bathroom
with another room. Jay poked his head into the tiny,
bleach filled bathroom. The bathroom was freshly painted
and it had one toilet and a single shower.
      (To Melody)
Our dorm is so much nicer.
      (To Melody and
This may fit the three of us in
it. We will have to try it
Nate gets a big smile on his face.
Settle down Sparky! I'm talking
to Melody and Christie.
      (As Narrator)
Christie Angel was Melody's friend
and roommate. They were both along
to see Jay's new living
arrangements. She had big eyes,
hair, and breasts and was as smart
as a 2-cent stamp. Some people
from her hometown had a bet on
whether or not she would flunk out
of school in her first or second
semester. She would later become
known as the rugby queen. Because
she was very popular with the
rugby players, if you know what I
Jay steps through the bathroom to their dorm mates' room,
which is Mick's room.
      (To Mick and Andy)
I'm Jay and this is my girlfriend
Melody and her friend Christy.
Christy likes to screw.


Both guys got flush in the face as they introduced
I'm Mick Mitchell.
Moves from suitcase where he is unpacking to shake Jay's
      (Half pissed)
And I'm out of here.
Andy leaves the room with suitcase.
What's up with him?
Oh he just doesn't like the
"living" arrangements. His name
is or was Andy. It is not the
greatest dorm, but we will have to
make the most out of a bad
      (Party said the
       way it is spelt)
I agree. We will make the most of
it and just learn to partay with
one another. Unless someone screws
with me and then I'll have to kick
their ass.
In walks their RA, Lisa, who is assigned to their dorm

                       LISA THE RA
Get ready guys we will be having
our opening orientation in about a
      (To Jay)
Well, I guess we get to meet the
other students on our floor.
Sounds lame. Let's go get to know
them our own way. Come on.


Jay motions Mick to join him as they leave the room.
Music over: Cut to Mick and Jay going around the floor
getting aquatinted with their new neighbors and each other.
They got along great from the start. Show Ray flirting with
girls. (Even though he has a girlfriend).

Show about 30 guys and 10 girls. The girls are not very
                       LISA THE RA
Welcome everyone to the 13th floor
student orientation. Now I would
like for everyone to introduce
themselves, say where you are
from, your major if you have one,
something that makes you unique,
and anything else that you would
like to share with your new
                       FEMALE STUDENT 1
      (To Jay
I like to play.
      (Moving away.)
I bet you do.
                       LISA THE RA
Do I have any volunteers?
I'm Jay Fenton. I'm from Woodstock
and my major is chasing girls and
drinking beer. No seriously, it is
Criminal Justice. I don't want to
be no friggin' cop, but something
cooler like a private detective.
I'm twenty years old and entering
my third year in school, but have
a second semester sophomore
status. I love contact sports and


                       JAY (cont'd)
lifting weights.
                       LISA THE RA
      (Looking at Mick)
You're next. Tell us a little
about yourself.
Well my name is Mick Mitchell; I'm
from a small town near St. Louis.
My degree is Civil Engineering.
This is my second year of college.
I enjoy all types of sports and
don't have a girlfriend, unlike
Jay here.
      (To Mick)
Thanks pal. You just ruined my
chances with all of the girls on
this floor.
Jay taking a second glance around the room
      (To Mick)
Thanks partner. No, I should
really thank you because I don't
want to date anyone on this floor.
I signed up for a coed floor to
get some action close to "home,"
but it looks like we got stuck on
the "homely" floor.
Everyone gets up and shares some personnel information. The
guys get a feeling of whom they would want to hang around
with and whom they would avoid.
Hi, I'm Guy. I'm twenty-eight
years old. Don't even think about
asking me to buy beer.
      (Under breath to

Jay catches up with Guy in the hall after orientation. Hey


dude what you say we hang out a little.
Sounds good, do you need me to get
some beer?
Forget about it!
Guy walks away.
Hey, Jay don't worry. Looky hear.
Mick pulls out his brother's ID.
I scored my brothers ID before I
left. He looks just like me only
he's twenty-one!
Sweet. We're set!
Two nice black girls live across the hall from the guys.
      (Walking into
       girls room)
What do we have to eat ladies? Why
weren't you in orientation?
      (With attitude)
You can knock before you just
barge into a room.
      (Backing away)
Sorry, sorry. We're just the
welcoming committee. I'm Jay and
this is Mick. We live across the


Oh don't worry about it she just
misses her man.
      (More attitude)
Do not!
MMM'mmm, I see not at all.
It is our fault we will knock from
here on out. So, do you have
anything to eat?
Rude and moochers. Cook it
Throws them each a box of ramen noodles.
When we get some real food we will
let you two know.
Mick let's go hit the strip. We
need a break from all this
studying that we have been doing.
But, class hadn't even started
Yea, we need a break. Talk with
you girls later.
Show Jay and Mick walking from the high-rise dormitory to
the "strip" that is located about a mile from their dorm.
                       MICK AS NARRATOR
      (Voice over)
We were both new to campus, but
Jay had more self-confidence that


                       MICK AS NARRATOR (cont'd)
was readily apparent.
      (Out of breath)
This walk is going to suck if we
have to make it every time we want
to have a little fun.
Yea I agree, but with a little
hotty under your arms and a couple
of beers in your gut, it will make
the walk seem a lot shorter.
      (Big smile)
Sure would.
Show a long line that rapped around a stone fence separating
the public from the elevated beer garden.
Man, look at all of the chicks
around here. I hope Melody doesn't
decide to come over to the strip
very often or this could be a
lonnnng year.
Yes, but this looks like the place
to be. I thought you two were
Yea, were serious in her mind, but
we're only really serious when I
need a little action.
What's the story with her
roommate? She's cute but seems to
be little on the ditsy side.
Exactly, my friend, exactly.
As they look at two girls walk bye.


Why would I be serious with
prospects like that on campus?
This looks like the place to be.
Let's hit it.
The guys hear a group of guys signing. It isn't really a
catchy tune and it isn't recognizable. It sounds sort of
like an Irish song, but every one of them know the words and
are hugging one another. It is a classic rugby song. The
guys are hugging one another and having a good time at the
bar. The ruggers are still in their rugby uniforms for that
afternoons game. Some are bloody and bruised, but both teams
are there partying together.
      (Points at the
Who are the fags in the corner?
I don't know, but they look like
they get along a little too well.
Here it is Saturday night and
everyone on the strip was dressed
to impress, but not this bunch of
Mick goes up to the bar to buy a couple of beers.
      (To the hot female
Two beers. Who are those guys?
Sort of looks like they had been
playing sand lot football all
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
      (Working, in a
You look like a nice guy, you
don't want to hang around them.
Nobody wants to hang around them


She moves a little down the bar to get some beers.
Unless what?
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
Unless you play. 4 bucks.
Play, play what?
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
An attractive waitress comes behind Mick.
Rugby? I've seen that on ESPN
late at night. That looks like a
vicious game.
                       WAITRESS 1
Girls hate them, but can't resist
them. Guys that don't play hate
them, because they don't
understand them.
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
They knock the crap out of each
other during the day and party
like long lost brothers at night.
So you say you can't resist them.
                       WAITRESS 1
They are assholes. They are all
into one-night stands and the guys
with girlfriends still have
one-night stands.
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
They stroll around campus blending
in like typically students, but
once you get them in a pack, at
the bar or on the field or sorry
"pitch", watch out.
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
They get along with everyone
except if you play another sport
or are in a fraternity, which is
about half of the male population


                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1 (cont'd)
at school.
What about the girls?
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
Girls know they are no good, but
there is just something about a
rugby player that makes, makes a
girl want them.
As she gazes at the group of rugby players.
                       WAITRESS 1
I think it is the fact that they
don't care about there appearance.
They aren't afraid to be
themselves, and they have great
                       FEMALE BARTENDER 1
Yea, and they wear short shorts.
Thanks for the info.
Mick and Jay grab a spot at the bar just within shouting
distance of the Rugby players. Right in the middle of one of
the songs a short stocky guy starts signing solo.
If I was a Rugby guy, I thank the
lord I met cha, and if I would be
a rugby player I would be a rugby
prop sir.
                       ALL PLAYERS
      (Like they are
       surprised, but
       really know the
       lyrics by heart.)
Prop Sir?
Yes, I would play with hookers, we
would play with hookers, and we
all would play with hookers.
Nap Gets into scrum position with a prop and a hooker in
between. The players all laugh.


If I was a Rugby guy, I thank the
lord I left her, and if I would be
a rugby player I would be a rugby
Boot sir.
                       ALL PLAYERS
Boot Sir?
As Busch points to his rugby shoe or in rugby terms Boot.
I'd come in a box, you would come
in a box we all would come in a
                       ALL PLAYERS
If I was a Rugby guy, I thank the
lord I left her, and if I would be
a rugby player I would be a rugby
Try sir.
                       ALL PLAYERS
Try Sir?
      (Stuttering not
I would try, ah maybe she would
try… we all would try.
You suck Bullwinkle!
                       ALL PLAYERS
      (To Bullwinkle)
Booooo Booo! You suck! Shoot the
boot! Shoot the boot, na na na,
shoot the boot, na na na.
G-Money takes off his worn Rugby Boot and proceeds to pour
part of his beer into it. He passes his boot to the next guy
who puts a little bit of Capt'n and diet Coke in it. The
next fellow puts his last bit of backwashed beer into the
boot and finally a guy with a little Skoal in between his
cheek and gum spits in the boot. The shoe makes it back to
the original sorry SOB (Bullwinkle) who messed up the lyrics


to an old tried and true song. Shoot the boot, na na na,
shoot the boot, na na na is continued by the group.
      (butchering it)
OK, here's to the breezes that
blows through the treeses that
lifts the skirts above the kneeses
and hears to the spot that pleases
teases and spreads diseases, Jesus
what a snatch, down the hatch.
Chugs the boot.
Jay and Mick look at each other in amazement and disgust.
      (To Jay)
Those guys are nuts!
The ruggers are singing another song as the boys are
Let's move to the next bar.
Mick walking through campus he sees a sorry looking
Bullwinkle walking with his head down like he had too much
to drink and with a little green tint to him like he drank
someone's dip cup, which in essence he did the night before.

As Mick continues to walk to class he sees a flyer hanging
on a bulletin board. It says, come out and join the Rugby
club. Practice starts at 4pm at the recreation fields at the
back of campus. It's fun! Hang out with a great group of

Mick makes a mental note of the time and location of the

Mick sees a nerd getting picked on by three Hispanic
students. They are playing keep away with the nerd's
backpack. Mick kind of shakes his head and walks home.
Mick is listening to some music and doing a little homework
that his math teacher gave him one the first day of class no
doubt. He heard big Jay chatting and stomping down the hall.


      (Singing a little
       off key)
Shoot the boot na na na shoot the
I got to kick a little ass today.
Jay has comes in the door with workout clothes, a torn
shirt, with blood and dirt on it.
What do you mean, it looks like
you got your ass kicked?! You have
blood on your shirt and face.
I played rugby today. Well,
practiced rugby, but it was
No shit you're kidding! I saw a
flyer today and thought it looked
pretty cool.
You interested in playing?
Hell yea, I'm interested. I
played high school football and
grew up playing sandlot football
with my brother and friends from
back home.
We'll go out tomorrow at 4:00.
Jay and Mick walk up the rugby pitch. Mick has on old
football cleats.
      (To Nap)
Nap, this is my roommate Mick. He
would like to play rugby.


I would like a lot of things but
don't always get them. You ever
play rook?
I played high school football.
High school football. Similar but
very different. You ever play
sandlot football?
All the time.
That is about the closest thing.
Let me see the bottom of your
Mick shows Nap the bottom of his spikes. Nap looks in
disgust. He walks over to his backpack and gets a long
Give it here.
Nap cuts off the end toe spike of each shoe.
OK, now you are legal. Get over
there and stretch.
Show them stretching and then music over going through rugby
drills and tackling drills. Show Mick getting his butt
kicked but still having fun.
      (To Mick)
Are you coming back out tomorrow
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
As Nap turns Mick holds his ribs as he walks with Jay away
from the pitch.


Jay and Mick are roller blading home from rugby practice,
which is on the other side of campus.
That was a son of a gun practice.
But it was fun.
You can say that again. A lot
better than studying at the
library. I'm beat, but I'll still
beat you home.
Jay races off on his roller blades.
      (Trying to keep up)
Doesn't look like you put enough
effort into practice.
We view Jay and Mick racing through campus. Jay cruises
near the dorm where a group of Hispanic thugs are outside
smoking, loitering, playing loud music, and looking like
they are up to no good. As Jay roller blades by the group a
small Hispanic student sticks out his foot and tries to trip
Jay. He then grabs Jay's backpack. Same group picking on
the nerd.
What the hell's your problem!
                       THUG 1
I was trying to mess up your white
Mick races up. Jay grabs his backpack back from the kid
with force, practically flinging the hoodlum through the
Do you want to dance little man?
                       THUG 1
      (Backed by his
Bring it on homes.
                       THUG 2
Yea bring it on, hombre!


Let me change out of my blades so
I can whoop your ass fare and
Jay and Mick skate to a near by bench away from the group in
order to change into their shoes, which are in their
Jay, there are like 10 of them and
only two of us.
Show the dorm security guards looking like they don't know
what the hell to do and how crazy the boys must be to want
to fight a whole group of thugs. Sam the guard picks up the
                       SECURITY SAM
Man we have to call the cops.
                       SECURITY SETH
No, hold off. These thugs have
been spooking everyone who comes
into this dorm. This might be just
what they needed.
                       SECURITY SAM
What? To whip those two guys butt?
                       SECURITY SETH
No, for someone to finally stand
up to them. You know the cops
won't make them leave. A couple of
them actually live here.
                       SECURITY SAM
You're right, but if those two get
killed don't say I didn't warn
We go back to Jay and Mick.
Never fear, you can't be
intimidated especially just going
to your own home. I'm going to
show this little punk who's boss.
If we don't put a stop to them
they will scare people all
semester. This time they messed
with the wrong dude.


You know I have your back, but you
need to rethink this. Hey where
the hell did they all go?
The boys look over to the thugs and the little troublemaker
is standing there all alone.
                       THUG 1
Yea boy it's just me. Let's go
around the corner so we can take
care of this.
Screw that. That is where all your
boys went. I'm going to whip your
ass right here and now.
Jay hits the punk. All of his buddy's come running around
the corner. Jay gets in a couple of good punches and Mick
pulls him closer to the dorm entrance. Mick shoves two of
the guys as they come around the corner. The boys fight
there way closer to the dorm breeze way. The breezeway is a
small lobby that is all glassed in. Only three of the thugs
make it into the breeze way before Mick slams the door and
locks the rest of the gang out.
Now, I like these odds a little
The thugs look scared.
Now what the hell are you going to
Jay picks up a trashcan and throws it at the group of three,
which knocks them to the ground. The gang starts breaking
into the door.
That's enough, let's go.
Jay gets in another punch on one of the thugs. The security
guards let only Jay and Mick into the dorm.
                       SECURITY SAM
Mick, get him the hell upstairs.
Boys that needed to be done.


                       SECURITY SETH
      (Nods in agreement)
Go on fellas, before the cops
Jay and Mick, along with Melody and Christie walk into the
dorm cafeteria. The crowded lunchroom stands up and applauds
them for their heroics. Word spreads quickly about what
they did the night before.
                       STUDENT 1
Way to go fellas.
                       STUDENT 1
Way to kick some butt and stand up
for us!
Shouts of appreciation come from everywhere.
And you didn't want to fight.
I know, I know.
Both guys waive to the crowd.
Music plays in the background.
Rugby players are slowly making their way out to the pitch.
Half look like they are hung over.
Ok, you sorry bunch losers. Shut
the fuck up and listen. Word has
it that we have a couple of Barney
bad asses on the team trying make
us look bad. Rookies no doubt.
Rookies? Let's kill the little
Hold on, hold on, now let me talk
you little Sallies. No rookies, I
mean no rookies can wear rugby
gear out to the bars, to class, or
to your fucking mom's house. Got


                       NAP (cont'd)
it! You haven't deserved the
                       COON DOG
But I just spent $250 bucks on
rugby apparel.
It looks like you bought the
veterans some rugby gear. You may
get it back next semester if you
last that long.
It is rookie bitches like you that
cause me to loose my fucking hair.
Now, let's get back to practice.
Oh, hold up. One other thing. I'm
a History TA and I heard two girls
talking about how these two guys
stood up to some thugs. They said
that they had rugby gear on. It
wouldn't be any of you rookies
would it?
There is only one thing worse than
a rookie wearing rugby hats and
gear. That is some chicken dicked
fuck that hasn't stepped foot on a
pitch wearing the gear.
It was me that was wearing a rugby
hat the other night. I didn't know
the rule.
That's another thing. It is still
pretty early in the semester. I
have seen a couple of twerps
wearing our shit to the bars.
Tonight we put a stop to the shit
and we all get hats and shirts.
Rookies, the rugby shit you get or
already have keep them in your
fucking closet. I better not see
you wearing them until next


Didn't know the rule? Did you know
to go to class the first day?
Did you know that the strip was
the place to chase skirts?
Did you know to…
Cut off by Jay
Did you know that we beat the fuck
out of those guys and if you don't
leave him alone I'm going to do it
to you?
Hey hey, tough guy. You need to
show a little respect to the
president and to us veterans.
I didn't sign up for no sally ass
fraternity where I have to put up
with this hazing bullshit.
Boy you haven't seen anything yet.
If you want to play rugby, then
you are going to have to play by
our rules. On and off the pitch.
Got it Rook!
                       ALL PLAYERS
Got it rook!
As they surround Jay and Mick.
Got it.


Have you ever taken Physics or
Not yet. Why?
It is synergy my friend. You are
stronger as a group than by
yourself. If you want to be part
of the Rugby team you need to put
the team before yourself.
If you two wouldn't have been so
damn jumpy, I was starting to give
you a complement. The girls in
class acted like you two were
giant killers. Remember, respect
is earned and is a privilege not
an automatic right. There is a
party tonight at the women's rugby
house. Keep up the good work. Now
let's get back to practice.
Walking up to an old house.
Why are we going over to this
girl's house?
You will see. This girl is hot in
an earthy kind of way.
Whatever you say.
Mick about to knock on the door and Jay just barges into the
      (Happy and excited)
Hey what is going on here?
Three grunge guys are sitting around a table smoking pot.
Angel comes over to the boys from the kitchen.


Jay Jay you made it.
Comes over and gives him a big hug and kiss.
Angel this is Mick.
It is nice meeting you.
On the couch you have Shaggy,
Rocky, and Daily.
Shaggy holding a water bong.
      (eyes barely open)
Dudes, want a hit?
No thanks.
      (To Angel)
Do you want to go to a rugby party
with us?
Sure, but I have something that
will make it more fun.
Angel goes to the kitchen brings out some raw vegetables.
What the hell are those?
      (Just to Jay)
They are shrooms. Want some?
      (Comes over)
Whatcha eating?
Just some veggies I'm growing.


Dude, do you know what those were?
They were shrooms. We're going to
get screwed up.
Thanks for the warning. I don't
feel anything?
Just wait.
Dude, those things are righteous.
      (to Angel)
So are you coming to the rugby
Sure dude.
Sorry Shag, Ruggers only.
I'm cool with that. I'll just
Show Jay, Mick, and Angel walking to the Rugby house. The
streetlights are dancing as the mushrooms take effect.
Jay, Mick, and Angel walk into the basement of the rugby
house. The basement has Christmas lights up (even though it
isn't Christmas). The lights really play havoc on the boys
because of the shrooms they just ate.
Bout time you pansies made it.
We've been here. We've been


      (Takes double take)
Sure, whatever. Keg is in the
Green light, red light, sad light,
glad light, mad light.
      (looking at Angel)
What the world was that stuff. Are
you feeling out of your head also?
Yea, this is the strongest yet.
A girl that has been eying Mick comes from around the corner
and gives him a big kiss.
Hello, I'm Mick.
I'm April. Want to go back to my
Normally, I might say yes, but I
just got here and I'm with my
roommate and his girl.
I'm into girls too.
Thanks, but let's just hang here
for a bit. I'm not feeling the
While the ruggers are practicing a little nerdy reporter
comes riding up on his bike. He has on a backpack.
Look at the fresh meat coming.


Just concentrate on practice you
all sucked last game.
The reporter gets closer to the pitch. Puts down his bike
and has his pen and paper in hand.
You here to practice?
Nope I'm just a reporter. Do you
mind if I interview you and a
couple of the other players?
No interviews. This isn't
football. What are you with the
school paper?
No, I'm with the magazine Cat
Cat Call, why didn't you just say
so. I just rubbed on out to it
this morning. What the fuck are
you doing here?
Well I wanted to write an article
on rugby. I've been emailing your
social chair. A mister Steve
Daniel looking at notes.
Capt'n Tripper, his ass doesn't
tell me shit.
Steve said it was cool if I came
That old drunk. He still thinks
it's the seventies.


Do you want me to leave?
No, I will tell the boys your are
writing for the school paper,
because if these swinging dicks
get wind that you work for Cat
Call they will be so hard they
won't be able to run.
Whatever you think is best.
You can show up to practices,
follow us to class, and I guess
hang around the house.
Sounds good.
Don't like it too much because I
will give you only a couple of
weeks. You can learn a little
about rugby the sport and you will
learn to love it. By the end of
your time here it will be your
favorite sport. Oh, and you better
not be a distraction.
Deal. I will be like a sponge. You
wont know that I'm here.
And one other thing. I get to read
everything prior to it getting
published. Got it?
Got it.
OK listen up ruggers. This is
It's Daniel.


Danielle is going to be writing an
article about rugby in our school
paper. Don't give him anything
negative to write about.
Then he should leave now.
Everyone laughs.
We are having a party tonight and
you're the guest of honor. Ruggers
you will be on your best behavior.
Oh, I almost forgot. Don't forget
about the pub-crawl this weekend.
Rooks go buy dresses and meet at
810 bookstore on the strip at noon
Have song playing over the rugby party setting with Daniel
jotting down notes as he sees crazy rookie games, guys bull
shitting with one another, guys hitting on girls, lots of
beer drinking, colorful lights, etc... Have Daniel
interviewing different rugby players and girls. Have other
ruggers rolling their eyes as they tell raunchy stories and
Mick walks down the dorm hall coming back from class. As he
opens the door he sees Jay on top of Melody having sex.
You have to lock the door Jay.
Mick shuts the door. Jay starts laughing because he knows
how embarrassed Mick is for seeing Melody naked. Melody
covers up. Jay with his best southern fake accent.
You have to shut the door Jay.
That was great.


I didn't think it was so great.
That's not what you said last
Later that night after another rugby party, Mick comes back
to the dorm. He opens the door and sees Amish on the floor
going down on Christy.
       embarrassed a
       little pissed)
Dang guys you have to lock the
door. And was that my comforter
that you were using for a cover?
Mick opens the door and turns the light back on.
Hear Jay and Melody giggling in the bed.
He's going to town on her Jay!
Mick turn the light off!
Mick turns the light off and then right back on. Amish is
under the cover not missing a beat.
He's really going to town.
Let 'em go.
Mick goes to sleep in his twin bed with the lights off.
Dude, I have to have my comforter
back. My grandma made it. You can
mess with one of Jay's extra
After about twenty seconds of hearing Amish and Christie
messing around. Christie starts to talk.


Amish, I'm not having sex with
Why not?
Because you don't love me.
After a ten second pause.
      (Trying to be
       sincere, but
       totally full of
Christie, I love you.
Mick, Jay, and Melody start laughing.
Dorm life sucks.
I agree, I walked in on people
doing it the last two nights.
Let's move out.
But how and where?
I read that since we both have
sophomore status we are not
obligated to live in the dorm.
Sweet, but where and why have we
been living in this shit hole.
A buddy of mine from back home has
an apartment over next to the
strip and closer to campus. He is
looking for roommates.
Is he cool or is he like you?


Funny. No he is OK he plays soccer
for the school.
Soccer, is he gay?
No he has a girlfriend.
Probably a cover.
Do you want to see the place?
Sure, but if he is anything like
Nate I'm going to go ape shit
on your ass.
Let's go Sally.
What's up?
What' going on. Give me some love.
      (Under breath)
I knew it.
      (Putting out hand)
I'm Tim.
      (High fives hand)
JJ, nice meeting you. Do babes
walk past here on the way to class
and to the strip?
      (Big smile)
Sure do, we get them coming and
going. Come on in.


The boys walk in.
This is nice.
Tim shows the boys the first two rooms.
Hell Yea. When can we move in?
This beats the snot out of
the dorms.
This weekend my roommates are
moving out so you two can
move in.
      (High fiving)
Sounds good!
Song over with the boys moving into the apartment. Show
girls walking by with Jay and Mick waving with big smiles.
As Jay and Mick carry a couch close to the front door they
set it outside and sit down with beers.
I'm not wearing no fag dress. I
didn't believe the guys when they
said to wear a dress to the strip.
It is probably rookie hazing. That
Nap is so full of shit.
Na, I met a rugger last night and
he told me to wear one also. Let's
go to the thrift store and get us
some doozies just in case they
weren't BSing us.
Good idea.


Music over the boys looking at sixties dresses along with
Melody and Christie helping them out. They change into
different dresses and finally come out with the ones they
are going to wear.
All the ruggers are outside the 810 bookstore on the strip
hooping and hollering at each other walking up. Each guy is
dressed more perverted than the next. The boys walk up close
to the end. About 30 guys all are in dresses. Some have
makeup, jewelry, and wigs on. Daniel is there taking it all
in and scribbles in his notebook with a look of disbelief
and snaps a few photos.
      (Pissed - dressed
       as girl also)
'Bout time you ladies showed up.
Listen up, here are the rules.
You have to give Nap a lap dance
when we are done.
Players laugh.
       Instructions to
Cut the shit and listen you fucks.
OK, we sing the national anthem
and then it is off to the bars
where you have to chug a beer and
run to the next bar. Make sure you
pay for the drinks and use the
trashcans if you have to throw up.
It goes Good Times, McCarthy's,
American Tap, Rusty's,
Shenanigans, Moose Lounge,
Scotties, Earnies, Pete Hines, and
finally ends at Sidekicks.
That's ten bars.


                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Glad you can count. Let's see if
you can hold your liqueur.
Quiet. Now, no cheating and the
first one to finish at Sidekicks
is the winner. Any questions?
What does the winner get?
A belly full of beer and bragging
rights for a year! Any other
Oh say can you see
                       ALL PLAYERS
      (Continue Star
       Spangled Banner)
About a quarter of the way through the group starts creeping
forward, fighting for position. About half way through Nap
takes off running and the group follows as they continue to
Song playing in the background as the guys are running down
the street with dresses a flying.

In the first bar, MICK and JAY see TIM having a beer with
his parents who are visiting for the weekend. They are
sitting at a table with a pitcher of beer. Mick and Jay take
their beer pints. Tim's dad grabs Mick's arm.
                       MR. JENNINGS
Just what the hell are you doing?
Mick gives Tim a please explain it's OK look.
Dad its OK, they are my roommates.
Mick and Jay chug their beers while all the other ruggers
are waiting to be served by the bartender.
Thanks, we will pay you back


      (Giving her a wink
       as they bolt out
       the door.)
Nice meeting you Mrs. Jennings.
The other ruggers look pissed that the boys are getting out
of the bar first. NAP is right in back of them because he
was first to get served at the bar.
      (right behind the
Nice move boys, but you better
have more tricks up your sleeves
than that.
We will keep them coming.
Show the boys running to the next bar down the strip.
Spectators are staring in amazement, pointing, and taking
Fast paced music in the background. They continue down the
street bar after bar after bar. They can see ruggers puking
in trashcans as they leave the bars. NAP, MICK, and JAY
exchange leads through out the pub-crawl. They finally get
to Sidekicks where the entire women's rugby team is waiting
there cheering them on. Most of them are wearing revealing
clothes, as they like to do.

Nap is barely in front of Mick and Jay. Sidekicks has beers
lined up on the bar waiting for the boys.
      (Grabbing the beer
       and chugging.)
What the fuck?
      (Looking at beer)
What is in here?
Jay, Not saying a word downs the beer.
Nap you grabbed the wrong one. Jay
Jay got yours.


      (As he throws the
       cup away)
Mick and Nap proceed to the trashcan where they throw up.
Sorry sweetie. I put a shot of
gin in each one but the one you
were supposed to drink.
At least I get to see the other
guys suffer.
The other players come in and are throwing up after
finishing. Daniel is there taking it all in and jotting down
      (To Mick and Jay)
You two have been practicing your
tales off the last couple of
weeks. Keep it up and you may get
to play in the couple of years.
Couple of years my ass!
Settle down big boy.
Either one of us is better than
half the frik'n team.
Don't be disappointed tonight at
the bar is all I'm saying.
Oh. We have just been busting our
tails for last few weeks and we
get to ride the pine or be B side
wack offs?
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
I was the captain of the B-side
wacko... I mean B-side last year.


The Captains gather in the back room to make the starting
lineup for the first game.
      (motions to back
What are they doing in there gang
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
No, Nap, Keefer, and Nitro are
making out the starting line-up.
The ruggers are eating pizza and downing beers trying to
sober up for the next day. The anticipation of the lineup
fills the air.
Here they come!
All right, as you all are aware we
have our first game tomorrow. Here
are the starting lineups. Go home
and get some sleep.
He posts a big sheet of cardboard next to the bar. Mick,
Jay, and the rest of the guys look at the lineup.
Yah right who needs sleep?
Who the hell is Big Bird?
      (Dumb look on face)
Look, Dumbass is playing my
position. I ain't never met him.
None of the names are
recognizable. Am I Farm Boy?
      (Pointing to JJ)
Big upper body, small lower body.
For this game you are Big Bird,


                       NAP (cont'd)
Farm boy you have a slight
southern accent, Dumbass- no
further ID needed. All the rest of
you ruggers you know the drill.
Congrats Jay-Jay you are a starter
also. It looks like you, me, and
Bullwinkle, I mean dumbass are the
only rookie starters.
We are going to kick some WMU tale
tomorrow. I knew Nap was BSing.
      (Fist pound)
You said it.
      (To Nap)
I knew you were full of shit.
      (To JJ and Mick)
Just don't let me down rooks.
Show some of the boys stretching and some of them arriving
late all hung over from the night before. A few of them
have backpacks with beer in them. Bullwinkle has freshly
shaven head.
      (To a newly bald
What the hell happened to you
      (Rubbing head)
Capt'n Tripper said it's a rookie
Tripper he must be gullible if you
are Trippin on him.


OK lets gather up for some
stretching you little bitches.
Captains in the middle.
Stretch your hammys boys.
      (To JJ)
You nervous?
Hell no. You?
No, (beat) well maybe a little.
You are not out there trying to
make friends today. Just keep the
intensity up and the adrenaline
will get you past the pain.
Whatever you say. Is that it?
Just until tomorrow morning when
you can hardly get out of bed.
Have fun.
Will you two Rooks shut the fuck
up and concentrate on stretching.
If you pull your ass cheek and we
have to play short you will get a
red eye. Now stretch.
Now stretch your quads.
Continue stretching as the other team runs past.
      (To other team)
You get any closer ladies there is
going to be trouble.
                       WMU PLAYER
There is going to be trouble on
the pitch you little bitch.


I got your number and I'm going to
smack you in the mouth.
                       WMU PLAYER
      (To Nap)
Nap you are all mouth. You can't
back your shit up.
                       REFEREE 1
      (Blows whistle)
Team Captains
Nap and Reefer go to the center of the pitch.
                       REFEREE 1
Ok, now you boys know the rules. I
want a clean match.
Sure thing sure.
                       WMU PLAYER
Yes Sir.
                       REFEREE 1
SIMU call it in the air.
Referee Flips the Sacagawea coin.
                       REFEREE 1
Heads it is. Your call.
We'll receive.
The captains shake hands. Nap and Reefer walk towards the
team still stretching.
      (To the team)
It's on boys. Gather around.
Motions to team to gather around.
Ok boys this is why we have been
practicing. It is time to kick
some WMU ass. Play hard and good
things will come our way.


Leave it all on the field boys.
We're receiving.
The 15 players huddle on the field. They all break in unison
with Mick and Jay looking a little confused.
                       ALL PLAYERS
      (Chanting except
       Jay and Mick)
We're the boys from SMU we live in
caves and ditches. We beat our
cocks on jagged rocks we're rugby
sons of bitches. Huh.
Motion like they are stroking it off on the other team in
the squat position.
Thanks for the heads up on the
pre-game ritual guys.
      (To Mick and JJ)
You learn by our example and
experience. Now play like you have
been practicing and you will do
well. Same with you JJ.
Sure thing.
      (Fist pounds with
Let's do this.
You got it brother.
Have a couple of highlight plays of Mick and Jay's first
match. They both do well and the team loses in a tight game.
A look of disgrace on Nap's face. Have music playing in
the background. Daniel is there taking notes.
Boss you have got to get a load of
these notes.


Boss turns around in his chair and it is Hugh Hefner or some
look alike.
I don't have time for bull shit
I've got a lunch date with my
This is no joke. This is real and
I think our readers will enjoy
this issue for its "stories."
T and A sell magazines. T and A!
This has T and A, sports, and
everything in between, just look
at the notes. Scans some of the
notes and rough draft of the
This is good stuff. We need more.
We need to dig we need to find out
all the goods on this sport.
You either love them or hate them.
Good, come back to me with a final
copy that is as good as the notes
and you can come to my next party.
Now you will have to excuse me.
Three gorgeous blondes come into the office and give Heff
hugs and kisses.
Where the hell is Roscoe?
                       COON DOG
That douche bag overslept I bet.
Every man for himself. Pile in a


Scenes driving to SUK. Guys mooning each other and playing
stupid driving games. Music in the background.
Songs continue throughout game. Show shot of Mick hustling
up the sideline and takes a pass from Astro as two guys are
tackling him. Mick makes it to the try line as he is tackled
for his first try.
                       ALL PLAYERS
Hey Zulu warrior. Hey Zulu
warrior. Hey Zulu warrior.
What the heck does that mean?
When you score your first try you
have to get naked.
You're bsing. Right?
                       COON DOG
No bsing. Hey Zulu warrior.
Mick and JJ show up at the rugby house after changing
clothes taking a quick french bath. All other players are
still in their game clothes. The chanting starts again.
There was another rookie from the SUK team who also scored
his zulu running around the house naked.
                       ALL PLAYERS
Hey Zulu Warrior. Hey zulu
      (Handing Mick a
Here you are going to need this.
Thanks, but why?


Because the guys and girls at the
party are expecting a show.
Well I have never done anything
like that before.
                       COON DOG
Well there is a first time for
Mick slams the beer.
There was another rookie from the SUK team who also scored
his Zulu running around the house naked.
      (Wipes mouth)
Here goes nothing.
Mick takes off his shirt and gives it to JJ. He takes off
his shorts and underwear and takes of sprinting out the back
yard and down the street.
Where the hell is he going?
Come on guys let's following him
so he doesn't get beat up or
The players follow Mick. Mick runs down the street and sees
a sorority house. He runs in and girls start screaming. He
pokes his head in a room.
How are we doing? It got hot
Mick runs back out of the sorority house and the team is
waiting outside. With his shorts over his privates he goes
over to the main street and puts his thumb out to oncoming
traffic. The players just laugh in half amazement that Mick
came out of his shell.
Mick walks up to the party with his clothes back on. It was
dark so most of the guys and girls from SUK don't recognize


Mick. Daniel is there taking notes and talking to players
and girls.
      (To Mick)
What got into you?
They said they wanted to see a
show. I just needed a can of
courage to get me going.
                       WMU PLAYER
      (To Nap)
Time for spoons.
Nap nods in agreement
                       SUK PLAYER
      (Points to SUK
Ok, we need a rookie from each
team. Cockroach you are our rook.
Nap who is yours?
      (Looks at
Bullwinkle, you're the man.
They proceed to play spoons. Both rookies put metal
tablespoons in their mouths. They are sitting facing one
another. Cockroach puts his head down and Bullwinkle hit him
on the head with his spoon. Not very hard, but everyone
yells like it was a hell of a hit.
Good one ole boy. Now put your
head down and it is Cockroaches
With Bullwinkle's head down Nap hits him on the head with a
ladle. Everyone says that it wasn't much of a hit, but it
nearly knocks Bullwinkle out.
That wasn't shit Bullwinkle. You
hit him twice as hard.
You better not give up. We have a
keg of beer riding on this.


Bullwinkle hit Cockroach again weakly. Everyones screams in
pain. Cockroach rubs his head like it hurts, but can barely
feel it.
You are going to knock him out
with that kind of hit.
Bullwinkle put his head down and Reefer hits him with a
ladle. Bullwinkle goes to the floor, but get back up rubbing
his head. This goes on for a couple of more rounds.
      (To Jay)
Sure glad Nap didn't pick me.
                       SUK GIRL
      (To JJ and Mick)
They are going to kill your guy.
Can you stop it?
She is hot but her friend is a little on the hefty side.
Shoot we are rook.. ugby players
ourselves and we can't stop them.
                       SUK PLAYER
Ok, Ok our guy has had enough you
win. Beer is on us tonight.
Show Jay and Mick finding a place to crash at SUK. Jay talks
Mick into hooking up with girl just for a place to sleep.
Show a good-looking girl with a lot less attractive girl.
No, I'm not doing it.
You girls live around here?
      (Whispering to Jay)
Dude, what are you doing?
      (To Mick)
Hey it'll beat the concrete floor
like we slept on last night.


Man, we are getting a hotel next
You won't get serviced there and
they made us breakfast.
She was bigger than you JJ.
Big girls need lov'n too.
      (To Nap Driving)
Nap, tell me something. Ruggers
are treated like gods on the road.
At home, not so much. Why?
Girls want what they can't have.
On the road they know we will be
gone in the morning. They want
commitment, but not with ruggers.
Show caravan going down the road.
      (To Roscoe)
Where the Fuck were you?
I overslept
Show Nap and the boys grabbing him and holding them down as
Bullwinkle takes off his pants. Show face shot of Roscoe and
then shot of Bullwinkle's bare butt. Leave something for the
imagination. Roscoe gets redeye for missing game.
Daniel continues to write notes.


Phone rings as Jay comes out of the shower with Melody. Both
are in a towel. Jay picks up the phone.
No, there are no gay guys hear.
      (Entering room)
Who was that?
Someone asking for a soccer
captain or some shit like that.
You know I'm the soccer captain.
      (Walking away)
You guys were out of shape this
weekend. That is the last time a
team will be in better shape.
Follow me.
Oh no, we are going to be hurting.
Players follow Nap on a long run. Show them going up and
down a large hill. Music in the background. Show them doing
pushups, sit-ups, and various other exercises. Show them
doing tackling drills and rucking and mauling drills.
Show Bullwinkle throwing up for being so out of shape.
Have you guys had enough? The
girls' rugby team are having a
party and have invited us as the
guests of honor.


Mick and Jay walk into the girls' rugby house.
Keg is in the basement boys. Help
The boys went home to take a shower. All the other players
came straight from practice. Mick has on a t-shirt with a
star on it with a kaki hat. Jay has on similar clothes.
      (To Jodi)
I have a headache. I don't want to
stay too much longer.
Walking down the stairs to unfinished basement. Mick sees
the girl of his dreams (ANN) sitting around a card table
with two other girls and about 15 guys surrounding them.
      (To Mick walking
       down stairs)
I'll get us cups.
I'll be over here.
      (To Ann and
Do you girls know that I'm a rugby
No shit. You guys all play rugby.
You girls play right?
Some of us do. These three don't.
      (Pointing at Ann
       and friends)


      (Pointing at Mick
       and JJ)
Look at the two fags who had to
get all prettied up.
Now fellas. Leave these ladies
alone. They don't need you guys
cramping their space. As for you
Amish, I cleaned up just for you.
      (sits between Ann
       and Jody)
And what about you. Aren't you
cramping our space?
      (Bull Shiting way)
Ladies, consider me your guide
through this maze of men. I will
help you determine the ones to
talk with and the ones to stay
clear from.
      (Pointing to Amish)
What about that one?
I wouldn't trust him with my dog
let alone a couple of pretty girls
like you two.
      (Points to Mick)
And him?
Oh, that's my roommate Mick. He is
a top shelf guy.
He looks like a nice guy.
He's cute.


      (Waves Mick over)
He's the best. Hey Mick, come over
hear. Have you met the ladies?
No, I haven't. I'm Mick.
I'm Ann. This is Jodi.
      (Slides between
       Mick and Ann.)
I'm from McHenry and I'm a history
major. I'm one of few rugby
players you guys can trust. Trust
me I will help you out. You girls
come here often.
Mick moves to the background and talks with other ruggers.
Ann looks disappointed as Busch keeps rambling on.
I live here dumbass.
Show Ann taking off her top shirt in order to reveal her
killer figure.
We will save it for you.
      (To Ann - giving a
I'm going to see what's going on
upstairs. You girls save this spot
for me.
      (As Mick walks
We will be waiting.
I thought you had a headache?
      (Smiling in Mick's
For some reason it is gone.


Mick finds some guys playing quarters on the living room
coffee table.
We need another sucker player.
Wait first grab some canolies from
the kitchen table.
Funny. I'll show you boys how it
is done.
Mick grabs some food off of the kitchen table.
Rook, what is your nickname?
I don't think I have one.
Your new nickname is Cannoli.
How do you think I got Busch as a
nickname? I wore a Busch Beer
shirt the first day of practice.
Little did I know it labeled me
for life.
Move over. I used to be the master
of this game.
Bring it on Cannoli.
A couple of rounds are played. Mick looses a few times. Ann,
Jodi, and Holly come from outside the house to inside the
Cannoli, why aren't you downstairs
with the girls?


They are out of my league and
besides I enjoy kicking your butt
in quarters.
      (Walking past -
We couldn't save your spot all
Sorry ladies. Anyway you looked
like you had more company than you
needed or wanted.
Ann walks away.
      (In Mick's ear)
I think you should talk with my
You're joking?
Jodi shakes her head as if saying no joke.
      (As he gets up to
       catch up to Ann)
Game boys.
Mick jumps off the seat, hits a quarter in the drink, and
chases down Ann. He meets her on the landing halfway down
the stairs.
Ann, wait up.
I thought you left the party?
No, I just wanted a change of
Oh, is that how it is.
I didn't mean it that way. It
looked like you had enough
attention. Are you having a good


                       MICK (cont'd)
Well, we were bored until we saw
you guys. What about you?
It's ok. How's school going?
Not bad I'm in pre-law.
Ah, a future lawyer.
Maybe. You never know.
I'm from St. Louis, where are you
Central Missouri.
When is your birthday?
March 18th.
No kidding, mine is March 19th. I
think that is a sign.
What you were going to keep asking
questions until we had something
in common?
      (Moving closer to
All evening if I had to.
Some ruggers come from downstairs. Mick puts his hand on the
wall between Ann and the guys.
Do you mind if I kiss you?


I usually don't kiss guys I just
But all we have been through?
Mick leans in and Ann gives him a peck.
See that wasn't so bad.
It was nice. You're sweet.
Can I call you?
Sure, do you have a pen?
No, but I bet the girls do.
They move upstairs to the kitchen. Mick grabs a pen.
      (Holding out hand)
Ann we better get going.
You won't call you're a rugby
You'll see.
Ann and her roommates walk back to their apartment. Mick
calls her on his cell.
      (On answering
This is 555-1464 please leave a


Hey Ann this is Mick. I was just
checking to see if you made it
home. Give me a call when you get
a chance 555-0258. Talk with you
You're ass is whipped already.
No, but she's cool.
Mick, why are you so happy?
Well, I met the girl of my dreams
last night.
Are you sure it wasn't Bullwinkle.
You were pretty wasted.
      (acting like a
       basketball player)
Oh, here was Canoli on the landing
last night. Motions like he is
boxing out for a rebound in
basketball. With moves like those
he should be playing basketball
instead of Rugby.
I haven't seen a guy so guarded
against other guys since my sister
was in high school and I was the
If you worked half as hard at
Rugby as you did keeping
other guys away from that
girl you would be an All-


She was hot. Not like the dogs you
usually leash. What's
her name and ah number?
Her name is Ann and 1-800 eat-shit
is her number. She is
Way out of my league so
that makes her out of your world.
We just kissed anyway. I
doubt I get to see her again.
On the phone calls Ann.
Hey what's up?
Hey, my parents are coming into
town today and I would like for
you to meet them.
I have to work.
Oh shoot.
Oh well, tell them I said hi. Are
they coming to your game?
Yah, they will be in for a shock.
They were used to seeing me play
football, but this is a totally
different game.


Are you mocking me?
No, just playing.
Are you mocking Kool?
The Bagel man? Player.
You're the player.
When can I see you again?
Better question, when can you fit
me into your schedule?
Smiling. Still a very friendly flirty conversation
Whatever. I'll give you a call.
Sure you will.
She hangs up the phone.
      (To self)
How did I get roped by a rugger?
Mick sees the same little nerdy kid getting picked on by the
same three Hispanic kids. They are again playing keep away
with his backpack. Mick walks up and snags the backpack out
of mid air and hands it to the little student.
OK boys, now how about you pick on
someone your own size!


                       HISPANIC 4
We were just playing man.
How about you play with me!?
                       HISPANIC 3
Let's get going.
Mick follows the boys as they are trying to walk fast away.
What's the matter; you don't have
a problem picking on him how about
me? Common let's go. That's what I
thought. If I see you guys
harassing him again there is going
to be trouble.
As the boys leave, Mick takes a deep breathe.
The guys are stretching on the side getting ready for the
game. Up come Mick's parents to watch the game.
Hey, what are you guys doing here!
                       MICK'S MOM
Just come to watch you play.
They give each other a hug. Mick shakes his dad's hand.
      (excited to see
Glad to see you guys. This is Jay.
You have talked with him just as
much as me almost.
Nice to finally meet you. This is
my girlfriend Melody.
Melody also shakes their hand.
I've got to go study. See you guys


Are you guys spending the night?
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
No, we probably will watch the
game, grab some dinner and head
We are going to have a killer
party tonight you guys should
Another girl walks up. Jay gives her a big hug.
Mr. and Ms. Mitchell I would like
you to meet my girlfriend Angel.
Gives them a little wink.
                       MICK'S MOM
Nice to meet you.
      (To Angel)
We'll see you after the game ok
Angel walks off.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
Looks like you have your hands
full Jay.
      (Big smile)
You still need to meet Tara my
female rugger girlfriend.
Well we will see you in a bit. I
need to get ready for the game.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
Talk with you soon. Good luck.
                       MICK'S MOM
      (They hug)
Love you. Be safe.
Will do.


The boys circle up to stretch.
      (To Jay)
Do you think Ann will show up for
the game today? I called her to
remind her.
First of all you are trying too
hard. If she likes you she will
come, if not you always have your
Trust me she wants a challenge.
All girls want what they can't
have and ruggers are the hardest
horse to lasso.
Ann just seems different. You know
College girls are looking to have
fun. They aren't thinking long
term. They are here to cut loose
and have a good time.
Various rugby plays with music overview. Show Mick's mom
grimacing as she is introduced to the rough sport of rugby.
Show the other team scoring a couple of trys. The home team
looses by a try.
      (Walking up to
So what do you think? Intense ah?
Jay comes walking up with Tara around his arm.
Mr. and Ms. Mitchell I would like
to introduce you to my girlfriend
                       MICK'S MOM
It's nice to meet you Tara.


It's my pleasure. Mick is a great
guy. Especially for putting up
with this big lug.
Playfully hit Jay in the chest.
Just as they are talking they see a guy from the other team
running across the rugby pitch naked. You can only see his
butt as he runs away.
                       MICK'S MOM
You haven't did that have you?
No mom, I've only played a couple
of games. I'll make sure I tell
you when I do.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
What the heck was that all about?
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Tradition man. Tradition.
Evidently when you score your
first try you have to get naked
and do a Zulu warrior dance.
                       MICK'S MOM
That's all right. Something's moms
don't need to know.
Let's go grab some food.
                       LAVERNE MITCHELL
Sounds good.
Mick is walking past the bookstore and sees Ann working
there. Mick has a black eye from the last game.
Hey stranger!
      (Turns and sees
       Mick has a black


                       ANN (cont'd)
Hey how are you?

What happened to you??
It's from rugby match against
SIUE. I got to start but we lost.
It looks like you lost.
Funny. Hey do you want to do
something next weekend?
No, I'm going home that weekend.
What about this weekend?
I have a rugby road trip.
Oh – that sounds interesting. Like
the movie?
Oh you know I'm the nice rugby
player remember.
      (Looking like it
       means nothing to
Sure you are. Have a good time.
Hey we will get together soon, I
It sure doesn't seem that you have
the time. You seem pretty busy.
I promise the next time you have a
free night we will go to the
movies or something.


Have a good one. Don't work too
You too. Don't get hurt.
      (Pointing to self
       as he walks away)
Who me?
                       MS. T
Rugby players are trouble.
All of them?
                       MS. T
He plays rugby right? Well then
that boy is trouble.
But he says he is the nice rugby
                       MS. T
Girl, I've seen them come and go
And they are all trouble. I've
seen more Girls get their hearts
broke by rugby players than all
the fraternities combined
I know, but there is something
about him.
                       MS. T
You know what it is?
No, what?
                       MS. T
All girls want what they can't
have my dear.
You're probably right.


      (Beer in his hand.)
OK rooks get naked!
Screw you.
Rook, don't make me get everyone
over here to help me disrobe you.
It's tradition.
Jay, Mick, and the other rookies reluctantly take off their
This game is called naked rookie
beer chug. The rules are simple.
Everyone fills their cup with
beer. The first one that chugs the
beer gets to put their clothes
back on.
Sounds like I will only be in one
Bring it on.
Get on your mark. Get set. Go!
Fifteen naked rookie ruggers slam their beers. Jay gets done
Mick finishes a little after Jay.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
We have a tie. No one gets out.
My ass.


      (Finishing Jay's
..is still hanging out. It was a
Rooks fill up your cups!
Melody and Christie walk up.
Jay get your clothes back on.
I'm playing a game. I should have
been out already, but the Capt'n
is blind as a bat.
Daniel also walks up and takes down notes.
Duh. Bats can't see.
That is the point blondie.
What can I do to make my boyfriend
get out of the chug. He has had
too much already.
There is nothing you can do missy.
Step aside.
What if I do this?
She drops to her knees in front of her boyfriend. You just
see the back of her head.
That will work. When you are done
you are out. Fill up your cups
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Looks like he is the winner of
this round.
Up walks Ann and her friends. She sees Mick and the other
rookies during the game.


Pissed, Ann walks off.
Ann wait.
Chasing Ann with shorts held over privates.
I thought you were the
self-proclaimed "nice" ruger. Your
just like the other jerks!
It's tradition according to
Captain Tripper.
Great, you get your direction in
life from a guy named Captain
Well he is the oldest here by like
20 years. I didn't know I was
going to be on the entertainment
Why did you invite me here if you
were just going to embarrass me?
What kind of girl do you think I
Ann sort of smiles but is still pissed.
Oh, sorry excuse. We're leaving.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Next game is called flam'n anus!
Why is it called flaming anus?


You'll find out big boy.
OK, stay naked. The SMU rook
Bullwinkle is against the EMU rook
for the bar bill tonight. You have
to put this four foot piece of TP
between your butt cheeks and
Tripper and Nitro are going to
light them on fire at the same
time. Whoever keeps the fire going
the longest wins that round. The
overall winner will be the best
three out of five. Any questions?
Two people raise their hands.
      (Acting like he
       didn't see them.)
Good, let's proceed.
The game proceeds with Tripper and Nitro lighting the TP.
The fire roars up the legs of the rookies. The party breaks
out in laughter as the rooks slap their butts to get the
fire out. Finally they grab the TP and throw it to the
Daniel jots down some notes as the scene ends.
OK you pansies listen up. Last
night got out of hand a
little bit, so let's
all try to make a little better
impression when Danielle gets out
Players are in a circle stretching. Most are hung over.
Here he comes now.
Daniel comes walking up looking very hung over.


What can't you handle it Scribe?
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
      (Looking at Daniel)
For now on you are called Scribe.
Bullwinkle, why are you such a
dumb ass?
The players go through some rugby drills, conditioning, and
scrimmage for Daniel. Music playing in the background. Show
Daniel writing notes as a mini fight breaks out during
scrimmage. Show players drinking beer between drills and
after practice.
Show Mick and Jay walking into a bar.
This place is happening tonight.
Yea, I hope Melody doesn't come
here because the only thing hotter
than me is that girl over there.
Excuse me partner I'll be right
Points to a hot girl and goes over to talk with her.
Mick sees a guy with a rugger hat on that he has never seen
Hey you play rugby?
Yea, what's it to you?
Because I play rugby and I never
seen you before.
Well that means I can where this
hat and you can't because if you
are telling the truth about


                       BERTLES (cont'd)
playing then you are a Rook
because I played last year and
just moved back this semester.
What's presidents name?
The president of the schools,
America, or your moms PTA group?
Mick looking like he is about to pound this guy.
Is that short dictating SOB NAP
still running the show? What's
your name Rook?
Mick – and how do you know that I
play rugby and I'm not lying?
My names Mick!
Kisses Mick on the lips like they are long lost buddies.
Mick wipes it off in disgust.
Because only a rugger would have
the balls to ask someone to take
off a rugby hat.
Mick sees Ann across the room shoot him an evil look and
walks away.
Ann. (beat) Dang.
She's not worth it.
Pub Crawl? Nap mentioned something
but I thought he was full of shit
See you at the bookstore.


Looks back with questioned face.
      (To Ann)
Hold on that wasn't what it looked
like. He kissed me. That's
something I never thought I would
Grabs her arm.
Please Hold up.
You just are not the guy I thought
met a couple of weeks ago.
Because a dude kissed me? He's a
No because, just because of
How about I take you to the movies
tomorrow night?
What makes you think I want to go
on a date with you?
We can go over our birthday plans.
Our birthdays are not for another
five months.
It is because I plan on still
being around in five months.
Ann smiles.
And to see you smile.


My girlfriends warned me about the
Rugby guy's charm and their evil
We all have our devilish moments.
Can I get you a bagel?
Mick points to Kool the Bagel Man.
Hey Kool, two with everything.
Cool, How are you kids doing
Couldn't be better.
The boys go to the bar for little relaxation. They meet some
of the ruggers at the bar. They are sitting in a booth.
There are a lot of attractive girls walking by.
This a prime piece of property.
It's nice to take a break from
school and practice.
Over comes Amish as he slides in the booth.
What's going on fellas.
Nothing Amish what's up with you?
AMISH looking like he is playing with himself.
Been here long enough to grab some
ass, that Chicks tit, and dick rub
on the waitress.


Amish, are you beating off under
the table?
No, I'm taking a piss, did you see
the freak'n line for the shitter!
Asshole, get out of the booth.
Hold on I'm about finished.
Jay Smacks Amish on the side of the head.
He said now.
Hey, you made me piss on myself.
Good, now beat it.
OK, Ok I'll go.
Amish touches a girls arm.
Hey baby how are you doing?
      (To Jay)
He's a dick.
Yes he is.
Chancellor comes out of his private bathroom holding the Cat
Call magazine and looking infuriated. Goes over to the
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
Them no good rugby playing SOBs.
To secretary on the intercom speaker.


                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
Rebecca, get me in touch with
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
I've finally found a way to get
those Shenanigans off my campus.
Unfolds the centerfold.
Chancellor I've got the head of
security on Line 1.
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
      (Picks up phone)
Jim, revoke the rugby teams
privilege to the fields and kick
them off campus. They have given
our school a bad name for the last
                       SECURITY JIM
Sir, what they do this time?
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
I read, I mean I heard Cat Call
published an article on our Rugby
team and all of their wrongdoing.
They even mentioned my school.
They've tarnished our schools
                       SECURITY JIM
Sir, have you seen the article?
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
No, Err..I'm mean yes, one of our,
um, Alumni gave it to me. Uhh, he
reads the articles too.
                       SECURITY JIM
Ok, you're the boss.
Security Jim along with Security Sam and Seth knock on the
Rugby House door.
                       SECURITY SAM
      (Yells at the door)
Nap, Jay, anyone here?


Amish opens the door naked.
Dude, I thought I smelt bacon.
Want a beer?
                       SECURITY JIM
Are the captains here?
Does Capt'n Morgan count?
                       SECURITY SAM
Captn Tripper?
Look at Tripper passed out on the couch. Beer cans all
                       SECURITY JIM
No, are any of the responsible
guys here?
Nap is taking a dump and will be
out in a minute.
Amish who the fuck is at the door?
He was probably wacking it to the
new Cat Call that is out. Did you
guys see the article?
                       SECURITY JIM
That is why we are here. We are
kicking the entire team off
Cool. We don't have to go to
                       SECURITY JIM
Not only class, but you can't play
rugby either.
Nap comes around the corner with a Cat Call in this hand. He
sees the Security guards.


Ah, shit what now.
Bacon says we can't play rugby
                       SECURITY JIM
It's not just me Nap it's the
Chancellor. He read the Cat Call
article and he's pissed.
What's that assholes real name
anyway? His phone number would be
                       SECURITY SETH
It's Pruledge and its 555-1212
Tripper didn't you screw Pruledges
wife back in the day?
Nap dials the number.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Hell yea it was my privilege to
tag Pruledge.
      (Changes tone on a
Shut the fuck up assholes I'm on
the phone. Hello Ms. Adams can I
speak with Chancellor Pruledge
Rugby players are good bullshitters and can change character
and put on charm like the best salesmen.
Nap, cut the crap the Chancellor
is pissed and probably doesn't
want to talk with you.
Ms. Adams. I was just seeing if I
could take you and Him out to
lunch to discuss this recent


I will check but don't hold your
If he is not available for lunch I
can just meet him at his office if
he would like and take you out for
dinner at a later time.
Come tomorrow at 8:00am. and don't
be late.
8:00 a.m. would be perfect. I love
the early morning air.
Hangs up thinking with concerned look.
8:00 am! Are you going to be home
from the bars in time?
We need to call a rugby meeting
fellas. Sidekicks one hour. Round
up the boys.
One hour later the team gathers at the bar and start
drinking. Shot of them all looking depressed and don't know
what to do. The beer is their comfort.
We're in trouble. Chancellor
Pruledge has kicked us out of
campus. We can't play rugby
anymore. Does anyone have any
suggestions on how we can turn
this around and get back on
Everyone hangs their heads down and shake their heads no.
Show a shot of Jay on the shitter with a Rugby Magazine.
Show a fancy advertisement for the St. Louis Invitational
Rugby Tournament with a grand prize of $100,000 sponsored by
Bud Light. Jay comes out of the shitter and yells.


I got it! Pack your stuff boys
were heading to St. Louis to play
in the St. Louis Invitational. We
are going to win the tournament
and get back on campus.
How is winning a rugby tournament
going to get us back on campus?
Because we are going to donate the
$100,000 Prize money to charity.
Minus a little beer money I hope.
That is it! But you shit bombs
aren't going to win a match
against Northern's C side wackoffs
if you play like you did last
We got some practicing to do, but
where are we going to practice
since we are kicked off campus?
I'm subbing at the local high
school we can use their pitch.
Show Nap and Mitch walking in to the Chancellors office.
Both dressed in ties. Their game faces on.
Sir, when we agreed to have the
scribe interview our players we
didn't know he was with a National
We were looking for nothing more
than positive publicity for the
school and our rugby team.


                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
You guys really screwed up this
Rugby is a great sport sir. It
builds confidence in young men and
bonds relationships that last a
Sir, we think we have found a way
to give back to the community,
school, and possibly get back on
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
I'm listening.
There is a rugby tournament in St.
Louis with a hundred thousand
dollar grand prize sponsored by
Bud Light.
We are going to win the tournament
and give you the prize money to
donate to the charity of your
This will help the school in
increasing enrollment and help the
community. Win-Win for all of us.
What do you say sir.
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
You guys are not that good. Fine
fine, if you win and can donate
the money I will resend my
Mick and Nap stand up smiling and shake the Chancellors
Thank you sir. We will make you
                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE
Does Steve Stoner still hang out
with you guys. I think he goes by
Tripper captain or something like


                       CHANCELLOR PRULEDGE (cont'd)
that. I think he had a thing for
my wife. Anyway good luck boys.
OK boys, we are in. If we win the
St. Louis tourney we get back on
campus. We have some work to do.
Show Amish looking at some High School Cheerleaders
Amish, concentrate on practice.
Those girls will get you jail
Shakes head.
We are leaving at 4:00am tomorrow
sharp. Meet at the house at 3:45.
Anyone late gets a red eye from
Bullwinkle. Bullwinkle don't
shower tonight.
I never do before a game. I never
do after the game for that matter.
Show Mick and Jay walking into the bar.
Hey, there's Ann. I'm going to go
say hi.
I thought she told you to get
We'll see.
I'll bet you a slice.


You're on.
Mick walks over to Ann and her friends.
How's it going?
Good you. I heard you guys are in
some trouble.
Yea, we got kicked off campus, but
we have a plan.
      (Pointing to
       Amish, Nitro, and
Oh, drink your way back on campus.
I'll take care of those two.
Jay walks over to Amish and Nitro.
You boys go home and sober up. We
have an early wake up call.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
I take a shit every morning at
3:30 no matter what.
Yes, but you wake up at 6.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
So? We were just heading home
Captn Tripper comes rolling up with his crappy car.
I'm not riding with Tripper. That
piece of shit car won't make it to
St. Louis.


And he smells like week old trash.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Morning boys.
Who is all driving. Pile in boys.
Song over playing as they are driving down the road. Show
cars passing each other and mooning one another. Passing
rugby balls from car to car. Shooting signs with paint ball
Wake up boys we are here.
A couple more minutes mommy.
Nap gives Bullwinkle a wet willey.
Get your ass out of the car.
The ruggers walk into the bar.
      (To the bartender)
Is this the place you sign up for
the Rugby Tourney?
                       BARTENDER 3
Sure is. Sign this form and pay
your $5,000 entry fee.
What $5,000 entry fee?
                       BARTENDER 3
The 5k it takes to play. AB only
sponsors half.
How the hell are we going to get
that kind of cash? Mick you're
from the area and the smartest one
here you have any suggestions?


Well we have Captn' Trippers
credit card or we try to win some
cash at the Casino Queen across
the river.
We are not that lucky, Tripper
give me your card.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Sure thing Nap. Anything to help
the team.
      (To Bartender)
Put the entry on here.
Nap hands credit card to Bartender.
                       BARTENDER 3
Whatever you say. You're in.
Girl that knows Mick sees the boys at the bar.
Mick long time no see. What have
you been up to?
Not much. I'm here for a rugby
Can you do me a favor?
Sure what?
There is a guy following me and
kind of stalking me.
This is my buddy Jay.
We will take care of it.
Up comes guy and grabs Heather by the arm forcefully.


Heather, let's go! Now. Who are
these guys?
I'm not going with you I'm staying
with them.
Like hell you are!
You heard her fella. Beat it!
Craig points at Jay and starts talking, but Jay throws him
to the ground and grabs him by the throat.
She said she was staying and you
are going.
Thanks guys.
Craig walks away with a limp.
OK fellas it looks like there is a
couple of decent teams and a
couple Sally teams.
There are girl teams?
No dip shit there are just a
couple of teams that look
And there are a couple of female
squads that it looks like you
couldn't play for.
Show a lady's team with a few burry girls.


I would like to play with a couple
of them.
Your messed up in the head.
So I like a lady with a little
meat on her.
Yea, it matches the little meat in
your pants.
Funny. I get more tail than most.
                       COON DOG
That is because you get all the
leftovers at the end of the night.
A large older rugger comes up to the podium.
                       RUGBY JUDGE LARGO
Ok, ok quite down.
A large bouncer whistles that quiets the crowd.
                       RUGBY JUDGE LARGO
I would like to thank everyone for
making it to the 32nd Annual
Soulard Rugby Tournament. I would
like to also thank our sponsors
Anheiser Busch and Cat Call
Did they help get us in trouble in
the first place?
                       RUGBY JUDGE LARGO
We have our returning five time
champions the St. Louis Rowdies
back this year.
Judge, you can just give us the
trophy now if you like.


                       RUGBY JUDGE LARGO
You will have to win it on the
pitch Anderson. Without further
Judge pulls out the bracket.
      (Looking up)
What B-side losers are we playing?
It looks like we are playing one
of the mens league teams. Good,
but beatable.
Mick isn't that the guy I threw
down at the bar? When do we play
It looks like we only play them if
we make the finals.
What the hell you mean if? If we
want to get back on campus there
is no ifs.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
I have to get my entry fee back.
Consider that was a donation to
the team for letting you hang out
with us.
Show the ruggers coming out to the pitch half hung over from
partying at the bars late the night before. They are half
dressed, some without shirts, some with bare feet or
sandals. Have some wearing beads around their necks from
the Mardi Gras festivities from the night before.
OK, ladies you have disappointed
me on more fucking time. I hope
that the whole damned lot of you
get vomit in your own mouths


                       NAP (cont'd)
during the match. Then lover boy
and Jay Jay won't even be able to
get tale this evening.
I wouldn't go that far.
What about me Nap. I'm ready to
Bullwinkle you couldn't get a girl
if she drank all night.
I didn't have trouble getting a
hand job last night. She is
meeting me out here today. I
think that is her coming.
Show a transvestite walking over.
                       SHE MAN
Hello Winky Poo.
Gives a little wave and kiss.
Duuuude. You got stroked by a
Ruggers all start laughing.
Now I think I am going to vomit.
Bullwinkle runs to a trashcan.
Now that's the definition of going
home at 2with a ten and waking up
at 10 with a 2.
OK, let's cut the shit and get
ready for our match. We have five
minutes before our match. Let's
circle up!


      (To Mick while
You think Ann is coming out today?
She thought that she might. I hope
she does.
You always play better when she is
I know.
Bring it in!
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
That was a short five minutes. It
reminded me of the 70's.
That is because you were stoned
the whole time.
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
I am still a little buzzed.
Oh boy I was talking about the
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Oh, then too.
                       REFEREE 3
                       CAPTAIN TRIPPER
Who me?
I would rather have Captain Hook
out there than you.
Nap and Reefer go to the coin toss.
                       REFEREE 3
      (To Nap)
Call it in the air.


                       REFEREE 3
Heads it is.
We'll receive.
      (Fist pounds
You can never go wrong asking for
A little head.
      (Yells to ruggers)
Ok, we are receiving. Every body
Nap motions them in as ruggers jog in.
We have been practicing hard for
this day. Let's go out there and
get our dignity back. Fight On
three. One, two, three.
                       ALL PLAYERS
The ruggers line up and go through their pre-game ritual.
                       ALL PLAYERS
We're the boys from Southern we
live in caves and
Ditches. We beat our cocks on
jagged rocks we're Rugby sons of
bitches. HHHUUU.
Let's kick some ass!
The other team kicks off to SMU. Rugby drop kick.
Mick takes the short kickoff and immediately runs into the
oncoming tacklers. He sets the ball and establishes the line
of scrimmage. Jay rucks the ball out and passes it out to
Amish, who passes it to Nap, to Nitro, to the Schmitt twins
who run the ball in for a try.


This is going to be like taking
candy from a baby.
Show a couple of large guys looking pissed on the other
Yea, a big baby.
SMU receives the kick-off again. Jay receives the kick this
time. He passes it back to Bertels who is run out of
bounds. Side out to the other team is called. The opponents
hooker throws it into the line. You have the prop
(Bertles), then second row (Busch), then prop (Bullwinkle),
then second row (Jay), then the hooker (G-Money), and
finally the other wing forward (Mick) at the end. The wing
forward throws it into the second row (second player in
line.) The props grab the second row by the pants (from both
sides) and lift the second row into the air. The opponents
grab the ball and quickly pass it out to the fast players in
a row. The ball gets to the middle of the line and they do a
scissors pass (zig zag). The player rushes into the try zone
for a try.
Okay, let's get our heads out of
our asses and play.
Nap kicks off to the other team. A big burly guy grabs the
ball. He passes it backwards and the other guy knocks the
ball sideways.
                       REFEREE 3
      (blows whistle)
Both teams line up for a scrum and it is SMU's place in.
OK, front row show your power.
We'll do.
The front rows engage in the scrum. G-Money taps Bertles
side signaling Nap to roll in the ball. G-Money hooks the
ball back to the end. Nap runs back and picks up the ball.
He quickly tosses the ball back to Nitro, to Amish, to the
twins for another try.

Show the boys winning the game and walking over to the
sidelines. They look exhausted, dirty, and some are bloody.


Nice game fellas. We have another
game this afternoon. Get some
I'm going to be so freakin' stiff
in two hours.
What do you want to do until the
next match?
Sit back and drink a couple of
That will keep us loosened up for
Game is already started in mid action. The boys are taking a
line out from the sideline.
Ok, on this lineout get me as high
as you can. You can out muscle
these Sally's.
You got it Jay-Jay.
We're going to yank your pants up
so hard your grandkids are going
to feel it.
I wouldn't go to that extreme.
Let's just win this line out.
Blue, Gray, Your sister likes to
roll in the hay.
He throws the ball high in the air in Jay's direction.
Bertels and Bullwinkle grab Jay and lift him in the air as
he jumps. He grabs the ball about twelve feet in the air and
forms a ruck. Nap grabs the ball from him and tosses it out
to the other backs. The ball gets out to the speedy Schmidt


twins and one of them takes the ball close to the try zone.
An opponent has the angle on Schmidt and slows him down by
grabbing his jersey. Jay is hustling behind and gets the
ball from Schmidt. Mick comes in and rucks over Jay and the
other team. He lands on the try zone line for a try. Mick
looks back as Jay punches another player in the face.
Oh shit!
You want to go?!
                       2ND PROP
Is that all you got pretty boy.
No I got this too.
Jay in his patented move takes his left arm and sweeps over
the props head and brings the right fist after it.
Mick tackles another opponent about ready to cheap shot Jay.
I got your back.
The teams start a little fight and are broken up by the
referee's loud long whistle.
That's the game fellas. We won.
See boys you wasted time long
enough for us to win. See you at
the party.
The players all jump in excitement on their second round
The boys are giving high fives to one another after a long
hard fought victory. Of course they all have come to the bar
straight from the pitch. They are dirty and bloody but they
are ready to celebrate. The other teams are also at the bar
and ready for good time. The teams fight on the field but
get along like brothers at the social drinking events.
Great game guys let's drink some


Congrats on your hard-nosed play
and your try.
Thanks ole boy.
      (To Busch)
It's double Dutch time.
Nap pretends to grab something off the floor and hands it to
Busch. They spread apart about fifteen feet. Nap snaps the
pretend jump rope up in the air and they start circling
their arms in a jump rope fashion. Nap with a nonchalant
face like he has done this a hundred times. The people in
the bar stop to watch. With music in the background Bertels
jumps in the middle and starts to jump the rope and dance in
the middle of the two captains. He smoothly slides out of
the way. In jumps Reefer.
I'll show you how it's done.
Reefer jumps up and down and sprints in place. He grabs one
foot and starts jumping the rope. He finally jumps out of
the way.
Jay jumps in to take his turn. He starts jumping and falls
to the floor and starts doing push-ups, but lifting his body
off the ground to go over the imaginary rope. A waitress
walks through the "rope." The three stop their game in
disgust. Nap picks up the end of the rope, which the
waitress took a few feet away. He gives her a stern look.
Busch picks up his end of the imaginary rope. The game
continues. The girl just looks and laughs at the ruggers.
The crowd at the bar just eats it up in excitement. They
have never seen anything so bizarre. A couple of girls jump
in the middle and start jumping the rope in tandem. This
really gets the other rugby teams excited.
      (To waitress)
OK, now you have to show us how
it's done since you ruined my
fifteen seconds of fame.
                       WAITRESS 5
Watch this!
She hands Jay her tray and jumps into the middle with a


Now we're talkin'
The waitress jumps a little more and flips out. She grabs
her tray from Jay. She is wearing a tight white tank top.
                       WAITRESS 5
You owe me tip now.
Jay gives her a couple of bucks. He whispers to Mick.
Tip? Shoot I'll give her the whole
damn thing.
Jay sees the Opponent Prop he punched drinking with his
      (To Waitress 5
       giving money)
Here, buy them guys a pitcher on
me. I kicked his ass and we beat
them in our rugby match today.
                       2ND PROP
      (To his waitress)
Here buy that guy over there a
pitcher on me. I kicked his
ass today and I feel a little
sorry for him. Also, I think he is
gay so don't try any moves on him.
                       WAITRESS 5
Here you go. A pitcher of Bud
Select complements of that
tall guy over there.
                       2ND PROP
Tell him thanks, by the way he is
gay so make certain you don't
fall for any of his lines he
will only disappoint you.
                       WAITRESS 5
Oh yea, you don't say. He has been
undressing me with his eyes all


                       2ND PROP
      (pointing at
Are you sure you weren't standing
next to a bouncer?
                       WAITRESS 5
I'm sure.
                                         BACK TO JAY
                       WAITRESS 6
Here you go.