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Players & Jerks: Blind Revenge
by Dan Moreira (raydan1985@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
It's a short about the main character going on a blind date. Everything is perfect about her but one thing. He disapproves of her and ends up getting beat up by her brother who after the fight takes his favorite watch. He asks for his roommate's help to get back at them and to retrieve the watch. Its a goofy story about trust between friends and the correct way of getting even.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


With HIGH TEMPO HIP-HOP playing in the background and
clothes everywhere in the room, DAVE is rushing to get ready
for his blind date in his steamed up bathroom. DAN storms
into the bedroom and violently turns off the stereo.
What the hell are you doing bro?
I'm trying to watch anime.
                       DAVE (O.C)
Why? You know that the
spiky-haired guy is going to
power-up for like two episodes and
then kick everyones ass.
So, maybe I like watching guys
powering-up and kicking each
others....Look that's not the
      (Calming down)
Where are you going?
Dave emerges from the bathroom.
Well one of my boys apparently
hooked me up with this chick.
Dave sees his favorite gold watch on the dresser, slips it
on and admires it with a kiss. Then spins around in a very
stylish manner.
How do I look? Sexy right?
But you're going to meet this
girl? Have you seen a picture of
her? How well does your friend
know her well?


I know she owns a bar with her
brother and besides, that's what a
blind date is all about bro...It's
about meeting that mysterious
lady. Don't you find that a
little sexy.
Heading towards the living room to take a seat on the sofa.
NO! Because that mysterious lady
of yours is probably not sexy at
all. She probably has bad breath,
non-shaved legs, ugly toes, or
jacked teeth or maybe a cock
bigger than yours even.
Listen bro, I'll be here to fix
whatever mess you get into...Trust
I won't need you to because
everything will be fine. Trust
Approaching nervously towards his date's front door in a
nice middle class suburban neighborhood with pink roses at
hand, David gives himself a pep talk.
Come on Palumbo, you got this. Dan
is only jealous that you're going
on a date with a sexy chick while
he's home watching sweaty,
shirtless men fighting each other
to save the world....What a loser.
While making final adjustments to his attire, checking his
breath, fixing his hair, and straightening his eyebrows with
his licked index and pinky fingers, he RINGS the door bell
What if she's not hot? Dammit
Dan. Screw it. There's no
looking back.


                       DAVE (cont'd)
Please be hot, please be hot, oh
please be hot.
A female voice answers the call of the door bell.
                       KATIE (O.C)
Hey, you must be Dave. Im KATIE.
Come on in.
The door cracks open very ominously right before Dave's hand
touches the knob. He hears wet footsteps scurry off and he
enters the house reluctantly.
                       KATIE (O.C)
I'm so sorry that I'm not ready
yet. I got caught up in a
conversation with my brother.
      (Clearing throat)
Its okay. I'm sorry that I'm on
Ha. You're funny. Give me a sec.
Suddenly Dave's pocket vibrates. He reaches into it to pull
out his phone to read a text message that Dan sent. CLOSE ON
GOT UR BACK. Feeling relieved, Dave places his phone back
in his pocket. He stands confidently and hears Dan
insulting him and in the back of his head. With a quick
jolt he looks behind him.
                       KATIE (O.C)
Hey! What are you doing? Close
the Door.
In a flash Dave closes the front door and turns around very
slowly to see his mysterious blind date coming down the
stairs. With every footstep Dave's becomes more tense.
Halfway through the staircase reveals a beautiful Katie with
long slender legs, smooth tanned skin, and beautiful
brunette hair.
Hi David. It's really exciting to
meet you.


Oh no ma'am. I'm excited to meet
you. Here these are for you.
Dave hands Katie the pink roses followed by a handsome
smile, and while doing so, he carefully scans of his date's
appearance as they make they're way to the door. Then
approves it with a pelvic thrust and two step out the door.
Oh thank you, I love pink roses.
So where are we going?
Dave and Katie enters a quiet restaurant with romantic low
light setting. The host seats the two in a booth.
I hope you don't mind Italian? Not
only is it my favorite place, but
it's the best place around.
It's quite the place, very
So Katie, what do you do?
I'm a part owner of a Irish Pub.
Oh wow, that's cool. So what
other things should I know about
Well if I'm not at work, I enjoy
watching movies, reading, you
know, girly stuff.
Come on, I'm sure you have an
adventurous bone in your body.
As Katie alluringly bites her bottom lip.
Maybe a little.


An abrupt THUD as Dave collect himself.
Well I'm sure you have some good
stories or even some jokes to
Well maybe I have a couple up my
Katie cautiously scans the room and leans forward. Then Dave
also leans forward.
What do you say when you see your
TV floating at night?
Katie takes a big gulp of her wine and cautiously looks
around again.
Drop it nig...
In a state of shock, David waves his hands in a panic.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. I
don't wanna get shot tonight. My
turn. Have you heard of the pink
Katie's mouth drops in shock and places her hand over it.
Oh my God, why would anybody hit
their partner with a frying pan
during sex? Did you hear about
the lady that wanted her small
boobs bigger?
Dave cracks a smile and winks.


Between the tits huh? Who knew
that toilet paper makes asses
bigger. What about the blind man
and his guide-dog?
Swaying a little bit as she sits, Katie takes another gulp
of wine and smiles.
Swinging the dog over his head to
look around, priceless. Did you
hear about an atheist professor
disproving God?
Dave nods his head and laughs.
I guess the linebacker proved that
God is real.
                                         END MONTAGE
After a few more glasses of wine, they really start to look
at each other seductively.
See, I knew you had jokes.
Of course, but you forgot to tell
me that you're really not that
Not funny huh. I got a good one
for you.
Katie looks at Dave with seductive eyes and leans forward.
Oh Yeah. Tell me.
      (Cracking a Smile)
You know what space docking is?


No, but I'm sure that I'm going to
find out.
As Dave demonstrates using two glass cups and a napkin.
Space docking is when a
non-circumcised guy touches tip to
tip with a circumcised guy and
folds his foreskin over the
circumcised penis.
Katie looks at Dave with a jaw dropped straight face. She
begins to laugh to herself and then it builds. As Dave
watchs her laugh he becomes disgusted with her due to her
loud, ugly, high pitched annoying laugh.
Yo. It wasn't all that funny.
A laughing Katie and an embarrassed Dave exits the car
walking towards Katie's front door. Dave follows Katie with
distance while looking around to see if anyone is watching.
      (Slurred Laughing)
You don't understand Dave. That
was so freaking funny.
No it wasn't.
You're right.
It was freaking hilarious.
Hey, I want to see you again.
      (Slurred Shouting)
I want to see you again.
What? No. No way.


What, why? Don't you think I'm
Not anymore. You're a goofy drunk
with a horrible laugh. I mean
seriously, your laugh made me
      (Awkward Pause)
Well, stay black.
In relief, Dave turns around and begins walking towards his
      (Slurred Shouting)
Hey, screw you. I'm telling
Katie storms inside SLAMMING the door. Then immediately
opens the door again poking just her head out.
Bitch! My brother is going to
fuck you Up!
Dave drives to the end of Katie's street. Greeting him is a
big ferocious man staring at him.
      (Pointing Angrily)
Hey. You David Palumbo?
What's it to you?
I heard you called my sister fat
and ugly. I also heard that you
said that she can't read good. Now
you're going to taste a size 14
pretty boy.
Still confused, Dave gets out the car and walks towards
Patrick. And with every step Patrick notices that Dave
becomes more uneasy.


      (Nervously Smiles)
Sir listen. There seems to be a
Dave sizing up Patrick and a state of panic came over him.
No. Huge misunderstanding.
Oh no. I understand. I
understand that Pretty Boy Dave is
getting a size 14 up his ass.
Whoa what? I thought that Dave
was going to taste that.
And without word. Patrick begins to pummel Dave. Slamming
him onto Dave's car, slapping him in the face, and elbow
dropping him. When Patrick finishes, he sees Dave's nice
expensive watch so he takes it, walks away, and leave him
for dead.
As Dan QUIETLY drinks a mimosa and reads the morning
newspaper, the front door SLAMS open as Dave rushes into the
apartment in a panic looking really beat up with ripped up
clothes and bruises all over his body and face.
Yo. Bro. What happened? She's a
freak huh?
You were right. I should of
listened. Now I don't have my
What, your favorite watch that
your mom gave you?
Yes, that's the one!


So what happened? You told Katie
that she was fat and ugly, and she
got someone to kick your ass and
in return stole your watch.
NO! Some huge guy came out of
nowhere and jacked my watch.
So he beat you up for your watch.
Look, I didn't get beat up okay.
Some guy just jacked my shit.
A RINGING from Dave's cell phone interrupts the guys'
I want my watch back.
Is that the dude that kicked your
Dave shakes his head no and signals Dan to be quiet.
Oh Yeah? Is that right? I'll see
you there fuck stain.
Dave angrily flips his phone shut.
That was him huh?
That was Patrick, Katie's older
brother; he's the guy that stole
my watch and I'm going to get it
What, mic check. You mean Patrick
Fitzpatrick the owner of that
Irish Pub called Fitz.


You were on a date with a
Yeah. What? How do you know so
I don't. I only drive by the bar
from time to time.
But you knew their names.
Because their names are on the
front glass of the bar...ass.
Look whatever. Im going to Fitz
to get my damn watch back.
Dave storms out the apartment. Dan watches him from a
window as Dave jumps into his car and peels out.
Dave drives back. He enters the apartment looking even
worse than before and collapses onto the living room floor
in front of Dan while he is watching TV.
So? Did you get your watch?
Would you like my help?
Okay. But first answer me this.
Did Patrick kick your ass nasty


Dave looks up at Dan in an annoyed fashion.
I fell.
Sweet, let's suit up.
The bars on the street are closing shop. Drunk people
staggering around looking for their cars. And while wearing
all black as if they were commandos, Dave and Dan sneaks
around cars, mailboxes, and drunk people as they advance to
the Pub while Dave is carrying a big full black duffle bag.
You think we don't stand out?
Nope. Its nighttime and we're
wearing all black. Plus everyone
is drunk.
Of course, of course. But what's
in this thing? I seriously don't
understand why we need a big ass
Look, you want my help or not?
Yeah but, I just don't under...
Understand what? My genesis? It's
not like its heavy right? Just
shut up and let's do this. My
plans are always on point.
The two makes it across the street from Fitz.
Ok we're here. What now?
We go into the alley and break
into the side door.


The two cross the street and advance towards the side door
of the bar in the alley. They reach the door and Dan PATS
his pockets looking for his lock pick set. He finally finds
them in his chest pocket and reveals it to Dave with a smile
and starts to pick the lock.
Hey. Where did you get those?
I made them.
How do you know how to make lock
The door unlocks signaling with a CLICK.
We're in.
Dave and Dan walks inside and begins to browse around the
pub. Dave walks into the office while Dan goes behind the
Remember we're here for two
Getting my watch back.
And what else?
Revenge for Patrick kicking your
For the last time Daniel. He did
not kick my ass.


Remember we're here for my watch
so no stealing money.
Dave hears CLINGING of bottles.
                       DAN (O.C)
No problem.
What are you doing? I thought I
said no stealing.
Dan stands up while stuffing his backpack with liquor
You said no stealing of money. So
I figure, steal booze. Because
college kids loves booze. And if
booze is reported stolen, the heat
will think it was college kids.
That's smart. Okay, take more.
Dan hides behind the bar again and finds a discovery.
Hey, David. I found your watch.
You did? Pass it here.
Dan stands up from behind the bar throws Dave his watch and
puts the backpack on. He then climbs over the bar breaking
Holy crap man can you make anymore
Sorry Dave. I don't know what
came over me.
Its cool. Alrighty lets go.


The two begins to head out the side door and with every
footstep, Dan's liquor bottle filled backpack makes a LOUD
Are you serious?
Are you serious? You're making
noise. That's it, you can't have
the booze.
What, oh come on David. You
agreed that it was a great idea.
Yeah, but I didn't think you'll be
making noise like that. I thought
you were smarter than that.
You know that hurts man. But
seriously, that's fine. I'll
leave the booze here. But if you
ever what to drink, just remember
that its your fault that we don't
have any.
Are you done? Can we go?
Dan takes off the backpack, opens it and turns it
upside-down making the contents of the bag fall and break.
Once the backpack becomes empty, Dan puts it back on, looks
at Dave with a straight face, shakes his head slowly and
walks out of Fitz with Dave following behind.
As the two walk into the alley, Dan snatches the big black
duffle bag from Dave, kneels down to open it.
Wait. I thought we were here for
two reasons. My watch and
revenge. Where's the revenge?


Dan stands up to reveal to Dave what was in the bag.
You're joking right?
As Dan holds a toilet paper roll in his hand.
Nope, I'm dead ass.
                                         MATCH CUT
Dan stands tall and proud as he gazes upon a heavily toilet
papered building while Dave looks at the building with
disappointment. He then turns to Dan and becomes more
Are you serious? This is what you
had in mind for revenge?
Well of course. It's a pain in
the ass to get all of these shit
tickets off the building you know.
What? Bullshit?
Whoa Dave, calm down my friend.
You should be having fun with
Should be having fun? Should be
having fun with what? Patrick
throw me on my car, slapped me
around in my face, body slammed
me, elbow dropped me and the only
revenge you can think of is to
toilet paper the building? You
know, Daniel...that hurts.
Well yes. Is that bad?
Yes Daniel, its not good enough.


You know, I thought the same thing
but I wasn't sure. I originally
wanted to do the flaming bag of
poop, but then I thought, I'm not
a middle schooler anymore.
Middle schooler? You just did a
middle schooler prank. Come on
It was pretty sweet wasn't it?
What? No. Its about revenge, not
about reliving old pranks. We
should of destroyed everything
inside there, or got some people
to jump him, or hold him hostage.
Dude. What people do you know
that would want to jump him or
even hold him hostage. Patrick is
a big guy. You should of knocked
up his sister while she was passed
out drunk.
No you dumbass, thats rape.
Rape. Revenge. Look, its the
same thing. Hell, what did you
want to do, blow the bar up?
At the very moment, a drunk guy in his old model van singing
drunk carols crushes into the bar causing a big explosion.
Holy shit, did you see that?
As the toilet paper intensifies the fire, a drunk charred
man staggers out from the flames unharmed and walks away
continuing his carols. Dan turns to Dave with a smile on
his face.


See, I told you that my plans are
always on point.
                       PATRICK (O.C.)
Oh yeah?
Patrick coming out the dark alley looking very intimidating.
What the hell did you do to my
Well you see, we came here to
simply steal back my watch that
you stole from me.
And I came to TP the hell out of
your place, but now it's lit up
like a christmas tree.
Patrick becomes more upset, balling his fists and flexing
his arms.
You fucks had a hand in this
didn't you? I should rip out your
heart and eat it. I should
curb-stomp your face multiple
times. Hell I should...
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa bro,
re-fuckin-lax. That's what you
should do.
      (Puts his arm
       around Patrick)
Look my friend.
I'm not your friend.
Whatever. This can be a good
thing for you. Listen, just call
some people and make a claim and
get your insurance money. You can
make a bigger, better Fritz.


Yeah man. All the women in town
would want to come to your bar.
Patrick starts to become a little relaxed.
You think so? I do have a great
insurance policy. Alright, you
guys are off the hook.
Just like that?
Yeah, just like that.
Well see ya.
Dave and Dan walks away. Dave looking very relieved and Dan
with a plotting grin.
Well that was lame. I thought we
would of had a final showdown or
something epic like that.
What the hell are you talking
about? That's stupid, this is the
real world not a youtube short.
I'm just saying.
Look, he's going to call his
insurance company right? All we
do is call the cops and
anonymously inform them that Fritz
was sacrificed due to insurance
And why would we do that?
Because the dick kicked your ass,
stole your watch, and you bitched
about the awesome idea of me
TP'ing the place. Think of it as
revenge that he didn't see coming.


That's smart, I like it. Let's go
make some phone calls.
The two guys slap a big air high five and walk away.


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From Kevin Mitchell Date 10/18/2008 ***
I enjoyed the story. It had an adolesent hunmor to it and some of the banter between Dan and Dave was funny. The dialogue was too "on the nose". You need to leave more room for subtext. The words behind the words. In comedies it's essential because you get people laughing at the initial conversation and then BAM, the underlying meaning hits. Juno is a good example of what I'm trying to say. I liked it though, great job.

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