Screenwriter Community |
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by Daquan (daqSaxton@gmail.com)
Rated:
Genre: Drama
User Review:
A Video Game head turns over his life of games for sumthing more worthwhile.
This films rights belong to Ruthless Productions and is a Blackmass ENT film.This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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FADE IN:
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INT. HOME- EARLY EVENING(ABOUT 5:38 PM) - NIGHT |
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SHAUN IS AT HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, YET
AGAIN |
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After just beating another level of ratchet and clank he
finally decides to eat dinner. |
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SHAUN
Man I am hungry....Be right back
my sweet heart |
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Shaun pats his playstation's hard shell |
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INT. KITCHEN- EARLY EVENING(ABOUT 5:45 PM) - NIGHT |
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Shaun opens the fridge and shuffles things around |
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SHAUN
Nothing to eat... what does a
gamer have to do 2 get something
to eat..Although I wonder where
all that curry goat went that we
had for dinner |
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FADE IN:FLASHBACK TO
THE BATHROOM, SHAUN
IN IT DOING NUMBER 2 |
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Shaun closes the fridge and checks the cabinets |
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SHAUN (cont'd)
Ahhhhhh. Here we go my favorite,
Ramen. Aint nothing better then
Roast beef ramen. Its like gamer
fuel.
(pauses while
making ramen soup)
Holy crap I just remembered
that____________________ Came out
today, what time is it? I hope I
can still make it to the video
game store. |
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He franticly searches for his wallet, his keys, and his bus
pass.
He quickly exits his home. |
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2.
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EXT. BUS STOP- MID-EVENING(ABOUT 6:15 PM) - NIGHT |
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Shaun anxiously waits for the bus |
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SHAUN
What the hell man, where is the
bus. |
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As Shaun waits four girls are walking down the street and
approach Shaun. |
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GIRL 1
Hey cutie, what you are doing here
all alone |
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GIRL 2
Yea, didn't you hear about the
party |
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Shaun gives them a dazed look |
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SHAUN
Party, sorry ladies I don't know
what you are talking about |
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GIRL 1
Really. But come anyway |
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SHAUN
I don't have time I have something
important to attend to |
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The girls push up on Shaun pleading for him to come to the
party, but Shaun wont give in, he loves games to much |
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She tugs his arm |
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SHAUN
I can't this is important, its a
matter of life or death |
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Its a tug of war between the five of them as Shaun tries and
resist |
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GIRL 3
I'll give you a some entertainment
when we get there |
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3.
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She winks at him
The others stop and look at her with the say what now look
They drag him towards the party |
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SHAUN
Wait, I see the bus, hold on, wait
nooooooooooooooooo |
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EXT. DOWN THE BLOCK OF PARTY - EVENING(ABOUT 6:29 PM - NIGHT |
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After being dragged to the party, Shaun finally gives up
fighting and just goes along with the four girls |
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SHAUN
So, where are we going ladies |
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As they keep walking one responds |
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GIRL 1
Were going to this party a friend
of mine is having at her house |
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Shaun suddenly gets excited |
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SHAUN
What will we be doing |
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GIRL 3
Well when we get there me and yo-- |
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GIRL 4
Don't finish that sentence, got it |
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Shaun still excited |
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SHAUN
Will there be a playstation 3
there? |
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Girl#1 stops and looks at the other three girls, then turns
to Shaun |
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SHAUN
Look ladies if you just let me
leave, go do what I have to do
I'll be right back, OK |
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The girls huddle up to discuss it |
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4.
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GIRL 2
You know what..... what's your
name. |
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GIRL 2
Shaun, we decided that....your
Coming with us. |
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As the expression on Shaun's face turned from excited to
gloomy they continue to walk.
As they arrive Shaun's eye is caught by another girl walking
the opposite way to the party
The girls not paying attention, don't realize that Shaun
gives them the slip.
He runs to her. |
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SHAUN
Excuse me.....excuse me |
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UNKNOWN GIRL
Yes, may help you |
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Shaun pauses to look and her, he is stunned by her beauty |
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SHAUN
I'm snaun.... I mean I'm Shaun |
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She laughs and introduces her self |
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ARLEAN
I'm Arlean, nice to meet you |
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They shake hands |
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ARLEAN (cont'd)
You going to the party? |
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SHAUN
Actually I was dragged here by
four girls |
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They both laugh, they enter together |
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INT. HOUSE-PARTY-DAY(ABOUT 6:45 PM) - NIGHT |
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SHAUN AND ARLEAN SIT AT THE AND TALK WHEN SHAUN REALIZES THE
TIME. |
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5.
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SHAUN
Wow look at the time, I gotta go
Arlean. Think I can get your
number so we can hang out
sometime. |
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Arlean stands up, and starts toward the back of the house
Shaun disappointed starts toward the door |
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ARLEAN
Shaun wait up I'm coming with you,
i was just getting my coat |
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Shaun looks up expression on face changes to glad |
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ARLEAN (cont'd)
Where you going without
me.....where we headed |
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SHAUN
I'm headed to Jamaica avenue to go
ummm.... to gamestop |
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She looks at him with glee, his eyes shy towards the door |
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SHAUN (cont'd)
Coo lets go |
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INT. DOWN THE BLOCK FROM THE PARTY- EVENING(ABOUT 7 - NIGHT |
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As they walk down the street they talk a little more |
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ARLEAN
So Shaun why is it that you HAVE
to go to gamestop |
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Shaun explains a little hesitantly |
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SHAUN
Well this new game came out and I
was going to get it before those
four girls dragged me here |
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She gives a little grin to him, yet again his eyes shy away |
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SHAUN (cont'd)
So why were you at party? |
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She hesitates to say |
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6.
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ARLEAN
My friend thinks I can sing, so
she me brought there so I can
sing in front of everyone, good
thing I escaped |
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They reach the bus stop |
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Shaun has a look of impression |
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SHAUN
Can you sing a little for me now? |
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Arlean shakes her head |
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ARLEAN
Fine but just a little |
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She clears her throat |
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ARLEAN (cont'd)
First of all let me say
You can't accuse me of all the
things
you know that you are guilty
of
And I see that it is easy for
you to blame
everything on me
If that's the case I should go
have my fun
and do all the things you say
I do
Boy I can't continue to take
this from you |
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The bus arrives |
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7.
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INT. BUS- EVENING(ABOUT 7:15 PM) - NIGHT |
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Shaun still bedazzled by how good she sings |
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SHAUN
Your friend was right you should
be singing, you now what, we are
going back..... I'm just playing |
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They look at each other for about a min., Then both turn
heads at the same time, the rest of the ride is silent |
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EXT. JAMAICA AVE- EVENING(ABOUT 7:45 PM) - NIGHT |
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They walk down the avenue, Shaun tries and make conversation |
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SHAUN
So does your boyfriend know you
can sing |
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She gives a big laugh |
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ARLEAN
Boyfriend,Ha, don't have one |
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SHAUN
Really as pretty as you are it's
hard to believe |
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She stops dead in her tracks |
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INT. GAMESTOP-EVENING(ABOUT 8:00 PM) - NIGHT |
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Shaun walks in with anticipation
He rings the bell |
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SHAUN
Excuse me anyone here |
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A guy comes from the back room his name is JASON |
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JASON
Yea what can I do you for man |
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Shaun pulls out his wallet and slams the money on the table |
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8.
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SHAUN
Yes. I would like to buy
_____________________ |
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Jason turns around to get the game |
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JASON
So, who's your lady friend |
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SHAUN
That's Arlean, I meet her couple
hours ago. |
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Jason leans towards Shaun |
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JASON
Personally dude, no chick follows
another guy she meet a couple of
hours ago to a game store |
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Shaun turns his head towards her, she is looking around the
store |
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He turns back to jason |
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SHAUN (cont'd)
Then why do you think she's here |
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JASON
That's for you to find out |
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He rings up the game |
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JASON (cont'd)
That's $65.76 little dude |
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Shaun turns to her and pauses |
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SHAUN
You know what keep the game I got
a better idea. |
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He walks toward Arlean |
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ARLEAN
Oh, hey Shaun done already |
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9.
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ARLEAN
Why they didn't have i-- |
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SHAUN
--Arlean would you like to go get
something to eat |
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Arlean interrupted takes a second to answer |
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ARLEAN
Ummm, yea sure, lets go |
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INT. RED LOBSTER- EVENING(ABOUT 8:45 PM) - NIGHT |
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Both of them enjoy the meal they order,they also enjoy each
other |
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SHAUN
So how did this whole night turn
out for you |
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ARLEAN
This night was the best, thank you |
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Shaun nods |
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SHAUN
Don't thank me...
I should thank you |
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With a confused look she answers |
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He proudly answers |
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SHAUN
Because this is the most fun i
have had....ever |
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She blushes |
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ARLEAN
But you didn't get your game |
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He nods again |
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SHAUN
True, i got something better |
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10.
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He grabs her hand |
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FADE OUT. |
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Feedback |
From ashton |
Date 12/1/2008 |
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ok i think it is a funny plot but you should probably fine tune it. dialogue could be better. times not needed. it should at least be said that this guy is not nerdy looking because 4 beautiful girls would not pick a nerdy huy up but if he was attractive but nerdy then i t would work. don't let it get you down edit fine tune. it has the posibility to be good. |
From Maeby Setavo |
Date 11/24/2008 |
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I agree, dialogue WAS stiff. There are also some incredibly unrealistic parts. Like a group of pretty girls dragging a gaming nerd to a party at 6:30 at night. Try to add a little more detail to make it interesting, and try to transition better from scene to scene. Its a bit cut and dry. |
From Josh Echevarria |
Date 11/23/2008 |
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i read the first line of dialogue and it's awful. You really need to work on dialogue. there's no need to insert times. Read other scripts to get an idea of what a real script looks like and definitely work on your dialogue. ALOT. Just isn't realistic and doesn't flow. Give it another try. |
From Kevin Isaacson |
Date 11/20/2008 |
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Dialogue was stiff and as with the actions, not realistic at times. As mentioned before, leave the times out. The topic itself was a little shallow. Keep trying though. Polish up the dialogue. Talk it out loud to see how it sounds and how it flows so it sounds like a real conversation. Don't give up! |
From Taylor Hann |
Date 11/15/2008 |
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No offence but this is pretty bad. Not really needed to put times in like 7pm, 7.45pm. The starting dialogue sounds like someone who is mentally derranged. A sappy ending. My advice: Leave this project and start something else. But that's my opinion. You don't have to take it. |
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