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by Josh Barbee (fleshofthewicked@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **
Very first draft of crude comedy most people are probably not going to find as funny as I do. Enjoy!

If you steal this, you suck.

The sun shines through the partially drawn blinds covering
the single window of the bedroom.
                       VOICE (O.S.)
Are you up yet? Hello?
The twin bed shoved firmly against the wall holds atop its
ruffled-sheeted surface a young man, early twenties, by the
name of GAVIN FOLEY.

Foley sleeps heavily, bags under his swollen eyes as if he
was up all night crying.
                       VOICE (O.S.; cont'd)
It has to be almost ten by now.
Why don't you have a goddamn clock
in here?
Next to Foley's bed is a nightstand which supports a shotty
art deco lamp, and a nice picture of Foley and a very pretty
young lady named SHONNA.

By their photogenic interaction, it is obvious they are a
couple...or were at the time the picture had been taken.
                       VOICE (O.S.; cont'd)
Christ almighty, wake up!
Foley's eyes slowly peel open. He is in no state to be
conscious by the look of death on his face.

His eyes go immediately to the framed photo on the

Foley climbs out of bed, draws the blinds all the way and
opens the window, taking in the morning breeze...and moments
later tosses the picture of him and Shonna outside and slams
the window shut, dropping the blinds fully.
Foley pokes his head out of his bedroom, looking down either
end of the empty hallway.

He kicks open a door further down, peering in:

Nothing but an empty bathroom.

Foley continues to the end of the hallway, looking


suspiciously into the empty kitchen and living room beyond.

The apartment is completely void of life beyond his own.

He listens for a moment...

Voices in my head. Not normal at
Foley disappears into the restroom.
The front foor opens, revealing TALON. He holds a golf club
over his shoulder with one hand and removes an unlit
cigarette from his mouth with the other.

Despite his cool presence, the not-quite-silk robe and
too-small-for-his-feet slippers he wears do little to help
maintain that status.
Rolly Poley Foley! What is up?
Your cigarette's not lit.
I'm trying to quit. Check out this
sweet golf club I found at work.
It matches your ugly robe and
Got that right. Come on in.
                                         CUT TO:
A black and white television sitting atop a wicker chair and
playing an episode of "The Andy Griffith Show" is shut off
manually by Talon.

Behind him, Foley looks around the nearly empty, rather
large living room.


Besides the wicker chair playing t.v. stand, the only other
piece of furniture in the room is a small, ratty couch.
What brings you by, Rolly?
I haven't been fat since the sixth
grade. Can you stop calling me
But it rhymes.
Foley plops down on the couch, resulting in a cloud of couch
dust to rise up around him.
                       TALON (cont'd)
Come on. let's go outside.
Talon walks out into the backyard via a sliding glass door.

Foley COUGHS uncontrollably.
Talon hits golf balls over the wooden backyard fence and at
an unoccupied police car parked across the street.

Foley stands behind him, far enough away not to be caught in
Talon's swing.
Shonna and I broke up.
Aw, boo man. I'm sorry.
It was sorta mutual...even though
it was her idea.
You're not gonna be all mopey and
sad at me, are you?
Maybe. A little bit.
You sound, right now, like a
homosexual...if a homosexual were
talking about a girl he was in


                       TALON (cont'd)
love with...which I know doesn't
make any sense, so don't even
bother pointing it out.
It makes sense if the homosexual
is a lady. They come in that
flavor too, just like us heteros.
That's right. Speaking of which,
there was this hot ass lesbian
that I used to work with that was
all over me all the time. She
quit, I think because she couldn't
have me, even though she says it
was because of all the sexual
harassment. I told her "Bitch, you
can't spell sexual harassment
without 'sex' and 'her ass'". Boo
Talon sends another ball soaring over the fence.

The ball smashes through the windshield of the cop car.
Why am I friends with you?
We have a bet. No matter how
obnoxious I get, you can't ever
stop being my friend, or you have
to pay me ten thousand dollars.
I remember. It was rhetorical.
Talon hits another ball.
Somewhat rhetorical.
BEEKER, the lone employee on duty of this video game store,
sits atop a counter, watching a television on a kiosk in
front of him.


Foley enters the store, and walks around Beeker to get
behind the counter.

Distracted by the humor the cartoons he watches, it takes
Beeker a moment to realize he isn't alone, and it frightens
Jesus, Folds! You nearly gave me a
heart attack.
I walked right by you.
Well, don't sneak up on me. Thanks
for being late, by the way. I love
working alone when the schedule
clearly states there will be two
employees on the clock at noon.
Give me a break, Beeker.
Beeker jumps down off the counter, noticing Foley's solemn
Why do you look like you're about
to cry like a kid with a skinned
      (choked up)
...skinned heart.
Have you been dumped?
Beeker grabs two beverages from a cooler; Beeker locks up
the store.
Beeker and Foley sit on a shelf behind the counter, each
with a drink.
Remember when I tore you a new one
about being late? I take it back.


You didn't really tear
anything...but apology accepted.
I can't believe she dropped you.
She was so fine.
Sorry. She was the one you brought
to my birthday party that no one
came to, right?
Yeah, I'm not sorry I said she was
fine. I retract that apology.
Doesn't matter...I can't get upset
over a woman I'm not with anymore.
No matter how in love with her I
You can always be protective over
someone you love. But, since you
are single now, you know my sister
always had a thing for you.
Your sister?
She made those cupcakes you said
you liked so much at my birthday
party that no one else came to.
She's gotta be half my age.
You're twenty-two?
Thanks for the talk, and the
caffiene. We should probably get
to work.


                                         QUICK CUT TO:
Foley and Beeker, each strapped with a plastic guitar
controller, stand in front of the kiosk, rocking out to a
music-based video game.
Foley walks up to his front door after a long day of work, a
bag of groceries in hand.

He ceases movement, nerves taking over, at the sight of his
open front door.

Cautiously, Foley pushes the door open all the way and
stares into his pitch black apartment.
                                         CUT TO:
Foley walks in, setting his groceries on the ground and
taking from the bag a loaf of bread.

Foley flips the light switch, holding the bread like a

Light fills the room, revealing ANGELO "THE MANGELO" FOLEY,
Gavin Foley's older brother, sitting on the couch with an
open book in his hands.

Both Foley's are startled at the sight of the other.
Gavin! You're home! Come here...
Mangelo sets his book down and stands to give his brother a
What are you doing here?
She kicked me out, G. She finally
kicked me out.


That's too bad. What happened?
I washed the whites with the
colors again.
You know how Mom gets about her
Mangelo nods his head in understanding.
The brothers sit side by side on the couch, a beer a piece
in hand.

Empty beer bottles line the coffee table top in front of
How did you know which apartment
was mine?
The guy outside told me.
The landlord?
I don't think so...some dude
checking the mail out front. He
looked really excited about all
his letters and stuff.
                                         CUT TO:
A man stands in front of an open mailbox.

As the man flips through each piece of mail in his hand, he
expresses an astonished, yet refrained, "AWWWWWWW" with
every envelope he looks over.
                                         CUT BACK TO:


Yeah, that's the landlord. He
likes getting rent checks.
Who wouldn't?
So, he just let you in?
I didn't ask. I thought that'd be
a little intrusive.
Foley looks over to duct taped and bungie corded closed
front door.
That why my door won't stay
I had to break the lock. Couldn't
get your hide-a-key rock open to
let myself in.
I don't have a hide-a-key.
Probably just a rock then. It cool
if I crash here for a bit?
That's fine. I'll grab you a
Foley sets the beer bottle down on the coffee table, gets up
from the couch, and disappears into the dark hallway.
      (calling to Art.)
I'd prefer your bed, actually.
Back's been acting up again.
                       FOLEY (O.S.)
What the hell?!
Don't overreact, Gavin! Jesus,
I'll sleep on the couch if that's
what you want!


                                         CUT TO:
Foley stands in a puddle of water covering the entirety of
the bathroom floor, overflowing from the surface of the
toilet bowl.

Mangelo walks into the hallway, standing just outside the
Did you hear me? About the couch?
What did you do in here?
Your floor's all wet.
I know that! What happened?
Looks like the toilet overflowed.
Sucks, man.
You didn't do this?
I haven't stepped foot out of your
living room all day. Was too busy
reading to go to the bathroom. But
now that I think about it, I have
to go pretty bad now. Cool if I
use your sink?
Can you just grab the mop? It's in
the kitchen.
On it.
Mangelo disappears from the hallway.
And stay out of the sink!
Foley examines the inside of the toilet bowl...

All looks normal.


He lifts the lid off the back of the toilet and looks

Again, nothing out of the ordinary.

Foley puts the lid back on and flushes the toilet.

It flushes without a problem.

Foley is stumped.

Mangelo returns to the hallway, mop in hand.
Why you still standing in it, bro?
That's gross.
Foley sleeps, the room lit by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
                       VOICE (O.S.)
Foley's eyes partially open.
                       VOICE (O.S.; contd)
Gavin Foley, I'm talking to you.
Foley sits up, alert.
Foley peaks out of the hallway and into the living room
where Mangelo SNORES in a deep sleep on the couch.
      (sleep talking)
Whatchoo talkin' about, Bruce
Foley turns and heads into the restroom.
                                         CUT TO:
Foley shuts the door behind him, and stands at the open
toilet, ready to relieve himself.


Foley jumps back in fright, slamming into the wall behind
him, urine flying everywhere.
Foley stands in the shower with a horrified and perplexed
look on his face as he washes off his urine soaked body.
Foley and Mangelo sit across from one another at the kitchen

Foley eats a sad bowl of cereal; a giant, untouched burrito
sits on a plate in front of Mangelo.

Mangelo is hidden behind a newspaper.
You been hearing any weird voices?
Not really.
But you have heard it a little?
Maybe a snow globe?
Mangelo looks at Foley.
Sorry. I'm not really paying
attention to you. Just answering
randomly. What was the question?
Nothing. Nevermind.
Mangelo goes back to reading.
How's Mom been?


I don't know. I keep to myself
I left before Dad...you know.
Got diagnosed with death?
You lived with her through it all.
How did she deal with losing him?
I don't talk to her about that
shit. I prefer not to be bothered
with other people's problems.
It's been almost four years. Does
she seem happy again?
Maybe you should talk to her about
all this.
I can't. I hate her so much.
Yeah, she's pretty much the worst
mom a guy could ask for.
Dad's really better off.
Mangelo reluctantly crumples up the newspaper and tosses it
on the floor.
Spill it.
Spill what?
Beans. Why you bringing up Mom and
Shonna and I broke up.


Ah, here we go.
I think I was truly in love with
her, and I didn't fully realize it
until recently. And it hurts.
Mangelo shoves burrito into his face.
      (mouth full)
You're really killing my buzz,
man. Let's talk about something
What buzz? It's seven thirty in
the morning. Are you drunk
Mangelo puts the burrito down. He looks behind him to the
sunlight pouring in through the kitchen window.
It's morning? I thought that was
just some crazy-strong porch
The store is completely void of customers.

Foley and Beeker sit on top of a glass display cabinet.
Mighty Max, Mighty Max!
Foley glances over at him.
                       BEEKER (cont'd)
You remember that? It was like
Polly Pocket, but for dudes.
I always liked Polly Pocket
Me too! 'Cause she was hot, right?


What? No!
What do you mean "no"? Why else
would you like it better.
Foley and Beeker both look at each other in disgust. They
both look ashamed now.
Beeker, let me ask you something.
Let me ask YOU something first.
Beeker leans away from Foley, lifting one butt cheek off the

The glass under Beeker fogs up.
                       BEEKER (cont'd)
How does that smell?
Foley's face distorts at the unwelcome stench in the air. He
immediately jumps down from the counter and puts distance
between himself and Beeker.
Have you ever felt like you
couldn't live without someone?
Like if you couldn't be with them,
you might as well be dead?
Beeker sits staring at Foley until finally his face grows
disgusted at his own smell.
Jesus, what did I eat?
I don't know what to do anymore.
I've never felt like I needed
anybody that much. I'm very self
Beeker jumps down from the counter top, accidentally banging
his elbow on the corner of the display case.

He grabs his elbow in pain.


Ah! I think I'm bleeding! Get me a
Foley bandages the "boo boo" on Beeker's elbow for him.
I think I need to win her back.
Throw a party.
To celebrate the possible
No. To show her you don't need
But I do need her.
You need to act like you don't.
Invite a bunch of people,
especially attractive young
ladies, including Shonna, and show
her you're having a hell of a time
without her. She'll be begging you
to take her back.
That could work. Except I don't
know a lot of women.
Leave that to me. I'll bring the
girls, you just bring the cup.
A woman, SHONNA, sits down on a park bench in preparation of
devouring her container of salad.

As she prepares to dig in, she spots Foley approaching her.


Shonna sets her food down next to her and stands.

Foley awkwardly stands at the other end of the bench.
What are you doing here?
I was just walking by.
You were just walking by the park
by my work where I used to meet
you for lunch every day for the
last two years? Weird
Foley saunters over to her.
Yeah, well, I actually wanted to
see you. Talk to you, I mean. I'm
having a few friends over--
                       TOTEM (O.S.)
Hi there!
Foley turns to find a taller, hunkier man than he by the
name of TOTEM, walk up to them.

Totem ignores Foley completely, wrapping Shonna in his
bear-like arms and squeezing her tight.
      (to Shonna)
I'm not late, am I?
No. Just got here myself.
      (to Foley)
Sorry buddy, she's taken.
Foley doesn't even bothering trying to hide the scowling
glare he gives Totem.


                       TOTEM (cont'd)
I'm kidding. Seriously though, we
don't have any change.
T, this is Gavin.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Totem extends his hand to Foley.

Foley reluctantly shakes it.
                       TOTEM (cont'd)
Gamma's a weird name. Isn't that
what the Incredible Hulk is made
out of?
Foley rips his hand away.
That's not my name. And what
exactly does "T" stand for?
Like the pole? Oh, you're tall. I
get it.
It's just a nickname. My mom
walked in on me once, and I had
this chick sitting on my
shoulders...then another chick on
HER shoulders!
You must have tall ceilings.
That was the craziest Columbus Day
Totem is clearly pleases with himself.

Shonna looks away, embarrased.
                       TOTEM (cont'd)
We were naked.


I gathered that.
Not my mom though.
      (to Shonna)
So, I'm having a party this
weekend. I thought you'd like to
come by, hang out a bit?
I'm not so sure about that.
      (to Shonna)
Not sure?
      (to Foley)
Hell yeah! We'll be there, bro!
      (to Totem)
You'll both be there then.
      (to Shonna)
Enjoy your lunch.
Foley turns quickly and walks away.

Totem raises his hand to Shonna's face, grinning stupidly at

She looks around to make sure no one is watching, then
reluctantly slaps him a quick high five.
A lone kitten sits on the sidewalk outside the buidling.

The landlord walks by; stops in his tracks at the sight of
the creature. He gently lifts the kitten off the ground in
both hands.


Foley opens the refrigerator door, being met with a series
of "meows" seemingly coming from within the fridge.
What the hell?
      (to the heavens)
If all my stuff is going to come
to life, can you make it all human
speaking? I don't speak cat...I
don't need a goddamn cat
Foley grabs two beers from the fridge and slams the door
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
Stupid ass aliens...
                                         CUT TO:
Foley is passing by when Mangelo walks in through the front
door, carrying a gigantic bag of pet food.
Hey. Did you get my note?
Yeah, I didn't use the toilet. I
had to share the litter box
Litter box? Why is there a novelty
sized bag of pet food in my living
We got a cat! Well, you got a cat,
since technically I don't live
here. But someone left us a cat
outside your front door. I
couldn't not bring it in.
Where is it?


He got stuck behind the fridge.
Don't worry, I'll lure him out
with the fresh scent of...
      (reads pet food
Puppy Chow? Now I gotta leave
Whatever. I'll be in the bathroom
if you need me.
Foley disappears into the hall and locks himself away in the
      (calling to Foley)
Oh, and somehow your landlord
found out about the cat and wants
a pet deposit by the first of next
month! Okay?
                                         CUT TO:
Foley sits against the wall, next to a litter box on the
floor, directly across from the toilet, staring at the
closed toilet lid.

He pops open one of the beers and has a drink. One moment
staring at the toilet, the next springing forward to lift
the lid.
Foley, back against the wall, waits, watching the silent
toilet for a moment.
You awake...Toilet?
No response.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
I believe you. Unless I really am
crazy, and I imagined everything
about our conversation, I believe
you wouldn't be talking to me
unless I was truly meant to be


                       FOLEY (cont'd)
with her. I definitely believe I
could be dead before next month,
but that part of it isn't even
factoring into my decision to try
again. Because, you know what,
goddamn it, I DO love her. And
there isn't a thing left in this
world I care for more than being
with the woman I love.
Still nothing from the toilet.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
It doesn't even matter if you ever
speak again, because I am starting
to think there is some screw lose
in my brain anyway. Why else would
I give up on true love when I had
it right in front of me? That's
crazier than me talking to you
right now. I just wish I could
have been as honest with Shonna as
I am being with my toilet.
Foley laughs to himself.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
I will win her back...I have to
win her back. I'm not even a
quarter of the man she made me.
Thanks for the talk Toilet. You're
a good listener.
Foley stands up to leave.
Sorry, what? I wasn't listening.
Thank God. I really thought I was
insane for a minute.
In love, huh? Just don't screw it
up. I don't want to be a toilet
forever. Not that I think I will
be, once you're dead and all, but
if you don't succeed, that means I
don't succeed and there might be
some type of punishment for that.


You drink?
Usually just urine, but I can go
for one of those beers.
Can you see me?
No, I don't have eyes. I HEARD you
open it, obviously.
(You don't have ears.)
Foley pours the remainder of his beer into the toilet bowl.
      (mouth full)
Flush please.
Foley flushes the toilet.

The toilet's thirst has been satisfied.
It'd be nice if it wasn't so
diluted with toilet water. So,
what's your plan of action?
Throwing a party. Invited her.
Alright, get her in a public
setting. Show her you can have fun
without her...good, good.
Problem is, she's bringing her new
Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
Yeah, I know. It was an accident.
But the guy's a total douche, so
I'm not too worried about him.


This party could serve as a
potential problem for me. Think of
all the ass to mouth I'll be
No one will come in here.
Will there be girls?
There's supposed to be.
Maybe let a few of them slide on
You're disgusting.
I'm a fuckin' toilet!
The front doorbell RINGS.

Mangelo awakes on the couch and gets up to answer it.

Upon opening the door, he finds Talon on the other side.
Hey, I remember you. You went to
school with my brother. That's so
weird that you're here.
What? It's not a coincidence. I
came purposely to see your
Oh, that does make more sense.
Come on in.
                                         CUT TO:


Foley wakes up in bed to find Talon staring down at him.
Mornin' sexy.
Mornin', dick nugget.
Foley sits up.

Talon sits down next to him.
How's life? You doing okay?
I have a plan. Things should get
Foley notices what Talon wears on his feet.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
Are you wearing cleets?
Golf shoes.
Don't tear up my carpet. What are
you doing here anyways?
Just wanted to stop by, see how
you were. I got fired this morning
and the buses don't run for
another half an hour.
Fired? For what?
Someone was stealing and they
automatically assumed it was me.
I'm sorry, Talon. Where did you
work again?
Golf range.


Oh, that new one down the street?
That's a nice range.
It really is, isn't it?
They have good club sandwiches
The best!
I can't believe they thought you
were stealing.
I know.
Talon scratches his nose with a golf glove-covered hand.
Suddenly, and without warning, Foley jumps off the bed and
grabs something off the nightstand before bolting it out the
door in his pajamas.
Foley runs into the store wearing his pajamas and his
nametag. He sees a man standing behind the counter.

The man is fuming, he's so angry. His scowl turns to that of
Mr. Dickensen...what are you doing
Where the hell have you been,
Gavin? I had to come in to open
the store today and you are three
hours late. And what the hell are
you wearing?


What happened to Beeker?
I don't know. He never showed up.
If this company had any money to
hire any other employees I'd fire
both of you right now! Lucky for
you, we're broke. Get a hold of
him and get his ass here now!
Will do...sir.
Dickensen storms out of the store.
Foley goes behind the counter and grabs the store phone,
dialing Beeker's number.

A cell phone RINGTONE can be heard from somewhere in the

Foley hangs up in confusion.
The ringtone goes silent.
                       BEEKER (OS)
Is he gone?
Foley looks around in an attempt to find his coworker.
From a closed cardboard box sitting behind the counter, a
hand holding a cell phone punches through the top.

Foley runs to help. He grabs the hand and assists Beeker out
of the cardboard box.
Phew...close one.
What were you doing in there?
You know that fat kid who comes in
with his mom who won't let him
rent the R-rated movies but lets
him play GTA? He bet me I couldn't
fit in the box, so I proved his
little double-D'd tits wrong.


                       BEEKER (cont'd)
Dickensen walked in while I was in
there. I didn't want to get fired,
so I stayed hidden until you
showed up just now.
You didn't think he'd fire you for
just not showing up at all?
He didn't, did he?
No, I guess not. Dickensen said he
had to open the store...when did
you make this bet?
Last night.
I fell asleep.
You're an idiot. Watch the store.
I'm going to the bathroom.
You've been using the store
facilites a lot lately. Toilet
backed up?
                                         CUT TO:
The kitten sits on the toilet seat, lapping up water from
within the toilet bowl.
Stop! Stop it! This is rape! And
you're a kitten...which makes me a
PET-ophile. Seriously, get your
tongue out of my face.
                                         CUT TO:
Something like that.


Foley is on the road, a fast food bag in the passenger's
seat, indicating he is returning to work from his lunch.

The car starts to stall and Foley quickly pulls it to the
side of the road.
No! Car, you suck!
                                         CUT TO:
Foley steps out of the car and goes to the front of it,
popping the hood to check the engine. He scans the insides
of the car, touching this this and that, but looking lost
I don't know what I'm doing, and
my fries are getting cold...
Foley pulls out a broken fan belt.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
That can't possibly be the
                       TOTEM (OS)
Hey...Yanni, right?
Foley looks up to see Totem, sitting in his truck, parked in
the street next to him.
Not even close.
Totem laughs, as if Foley is joking.
Right on, man. You want a ride?
Foley's stomach growls. He sighs as he looks through his
windshield at the cooling food in the passenger's seat of
his car.
Yes, please.


Totem drives, an awkward grin on his face.

Foley, sitting in the passenger's seat, keeps to himself as
he digs in to his lunch.
So...big party tomorrow, huh?
That's gonna rooooock....
You like DC, man? I can blare it.
I don't know who that is.
You haven't heard DC? Back in
Black, Hells Bells?
Hiiigh-way to Hell?
I know who AC/DC is... or are. You
can't really abbreviate that,
though. That's where I was
You're supposed to abbreviate the
names of bands you like. Zeppelin,
Sabbath, Alanis...that's how other
people know you like them a lot.
But that doesn't work with AC/DC.
DC could be the name of an actual
band...in fact I'm pretty sure it
is the name of a popular Christian
band, in which case that would be
a completely different


You're thinking of JC. There is a
Christian band called JC.
Can't argue with that. It would
make much more sense.
Foley finishes his burger.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
I know this may be an awkward
question to ask, you being
Shonna's new boyfriend and me
being her ex--
You two used to date?
...slightly more awkward was that.
Sorry, bro. She never mentioned
I guess that answers the question
of "does she ever say anything
about me?" then.
No offense, Latchkey...
                       TOTEM (cont'd)
...but you and I can't be friends
now that I have that information.
I have to hate you and you me,
it's sort of like a rule.
We're covered on my end, don't
worry about that.
I can still come to the party,


This party is bumpin', fo sho!...or something less
grammatically incorrect/ unintelligent, but you get my
point. There are people everywhere.

Amidst these people, Mangelo, who wears a backwards hat with
some words stitched into it, can be seen sitting on the
couch, his nose deep in a book.

Maybe 'people everywhere' was a bit of a stretch...there are
five people "partying" in the living room, Mangelo included.

Foley and Beeker stand in the center of the room, drinks in
hand, trying to talk over the blaring music.

Talon attempts to open the bathroom door but finds it

And Foley's astonished landlord stands in the kitchen,
having a staring contest with the cat.
      (to Beeker)
Dude, what time did you put on the
I sent e-vites to over sixty
people! I don't know what the hold
up is.
If girls don't start showing up,
I'm afraid you'll start hitting on
me after a few drinks!
That's funny! You're funny! Can I
freshen your drink?
Talon joins them.
Foley takes Beeker's drink from him.


      (to Foley)
I have to piss! Why is your
bathroom locked?
Broken...ask the landlord if you
can use his!
Talon goes into the kitchen to see the landlord, who is
lifting the cat's tail and staring confused at the pet's
      (under breath)
Screw that.
Talon spots a screwdriver on top of the fridge amidst other
crap and takes it with him on the way out of the kitchen.
Totem and Shonna show up, walking through the front door
into the sad, little gathering.
Foley sets the drinks down on the coffee table and goes to
meet them instantly.
      (to Shonna)
Hey, you made it!
We weren't going to come, but
Shonna convinced me otherwise.
      (to Totem)
What? You asked if you could still
come to the party...
Dude, come on! Help a brother out!
We're enemies now, so act like you
hate me. Didn't we talk about
No, that isn't something most
'enemies' discuss beforehand.
      (to Foley)
Can I talk to you...alone?


      (to Shonna)
Shonna makes her way down the hallway towards Foley's room,
Foley following close behind.

On the way, Foley sees Talon in the restroom attempting to
lift the lid of the toilet that is being held down with a
safety lock.
      (to Talon)
Hey, I told you it's broken!
What'd you cement this shut?
Foley continues into his bedroom with Shonna.

Talon ceases his attempts at breaking into the toilet and
spots the litter box in the corner.
Totem sits down next to Mangelo, who pays him no mind,
keeping his eyes on his book.
      (to Mangelo)
That looks like a good book.
S'not a real book. It has a big
hole inside where I can store
      (removes silver
       flask from book)
I've only ever used it for
So what are you reading then?
My hat...
Foley walks past shonna, standing behind her as she closes
the door for privacy.

Excited at the sight of the closing door, Foley begins to
remove his pants.


We need to have a serious talk--
Shonna turns to find Foley with his pants halfway down.
                       SHONNA (cont'd)
What's happening here?
Why are your pants coming off?
You didn't think I brought you in
here for sex, did you?
No! You bought me these pants...I
thought you asked me in here
because you wanted your stuff
So, what's up?
I know why you asked me here,
Gavin. And it's not going to--can
you pull your pants up please?
      (Foley does)
It's not going to work. You've
made it clear how you felt about
me when we were together and now
that you think you want me back,
it isn't going to happen.
Shonna, I realize now what I had
and lost. I didn't see it before,
maybe I was too close to this to
see how good it was, but you are
the best thing that has ever
happened to me and I lost sight of
that. I see it now.


It's too late. I gave you my heart
and soul and I never got yours in
return. You never treated me like
I deserve and if we get back
together it will just go back to
that. You only want me now because
you can't have me, well that's too
Goodbye, Gavin.
Stay a while. Let's talk like we
did when we were just friends.
Don't leave because of me.
I'm leaving because this party is
lame. There aren't even any other
girls here.
                                         CUT TO:
Shonna makes her way out into the living room where she
finds the men, and the cat, sitting in a circle in the
middle of the floor, playing a game of spin the bottle.

The spinning bottle comes to a stop, pointing at Talon.

Totem looks up at him, a disappointed look on his face.
Ah, man...
What are you guys doing?
Oh, thank God.
Totem quickly jumps to his feet, facing Shonna.
Hey, babe, what's up?


Are you playing...spin the bottle?
I don't think we fully thought
this through when we started.
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
      (big creepy grin)
I did.
Yeah, as drunk as we all are...
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD (OS)
I haven't had anything to drink.
                       TALON (cont'd)
...I think the worst we thought
would happen was we would have to
kiss the cat.
      (to cat)
That's funny. You're funny. Can I
get you a drink?
      (to Totem)
You ready to go?
Yeah, okay.
      (to circle of men)
Gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.
Totem and Shonna leave.
Look at all the pussy up in here!
Foley is in the restroom, scooping a giant, solid lump out
of the litter box with a shovel.
      (to toilet)
This isn't exactly how I saw
tonight going.


Yeah, that bitch really shot you
down good.
Yeah, she did...and don't call her
a bitch. How'd you know that
...I could hear you guys. She was
yelling pretty loud.
She stayed pretty calm actually,
and with the music as loud as it
Hey, shut it for a second!
Foley drops the lump into a nearby garbage can and stands
quietly a moment.
What is it?
Hm? Oh, nothing. Sorry, go ahead.
What was I saying?
I forget.
Damn it, me too. Doesn't matter I
guess. Maybe I should just get
used to the fact that I'll be dead
in a couple of weeks, huh?
Might make it easier.
How will it happen? I mean, is
that something you know


What? Oh...really?
Yep. You decide you don't want to
live without what's-her-face and
you kill yourself.
I seem to be coping with it okay
right now.
It gets worse. Just wait. Ack!
"Ack"? What is that? What is
That's you, dying. I don't have
hands to do the international sign
of running a finger across my
throat, which I also don't have,
which represents dying, so
soooorrrrrry. Asshole.
Um...okay. I'm gonna go somewhere
else now.
That was harsh, I'm sorry.
Thanks, I apprecia--
Prick! Is prick less hurtful,
goddamn pansy baby! Why wait until
the end of the month? Do us all a
favor and end yourself now! Go get
a toaster and drop it, along with
your fat bulbus head, into my
mouth which happens to be a
fucking toilet bowl full of water!
                                         CUT TO:


Beeker listens with his ear to the bathroom door as Foley
argues with the toilet.
Shut up! Shut your stupid
porcelain mouth, which I cleaned
for the first time in months
because I thought it'd be nice,
you're welcome, before I take a
fat dump in it!
The door flies open.

Beeker jumps back as Foley exits the restroom.
      (to Beeker)
I was just...
Yelling at your toilet?
What? Nooooo. Cleaning. I was just
Was it...arguing...back?
You're drunk, right?
      (high pitched and
Good. My toilet can talk. It came
to life a few days ago and told me
if I don't win Shonna back, I am
going to kill myself at the end of
the month. I THOUGHT we were
friends and now, for no good
reason at all, he's being a
monster cock.
                       TOILET (OS)
Fuck you, you whiny puss!


You remember that scene in "Look
Who's Talking, Too" when Mikey has
that nightmare about the toilet? I
had to wear diapers for a month
after I saw that movie. Scared the
metaphorical and very literal shit
out of me.
Beeker awakens on the floor, a cigarette in his mouth, the
cat sleeping soundly next to him.

He gets up and makes his way into the hallway, careful not
to step on Talon or the landlord who also rest on the floor.

Mangelo meanwhile, is wide awake on the couch, eating a
sandwich in the dark.
                                         CUT TO:
Beeker opens the door to the restroom and enters,
unbuttoning his pants on his way to the toilet.
Beeker, all in one swift motion, jumps in fright, fastens
his pants and flees the restroom in fear.
Beeker stands behind the register.

Foley sits on the back counter, a look of anger and
frustration about him.
You think I'm racist?
I don't know. You've never
expressed ratial hate before, not
in front of me anyway. Why?
I rung a guy up while you were on
your break. And I know this is
highly unlikely, but I would have


                       BEEKER (cont'd)
bet my pinky it was Barak Obama.
When I asked him not to raise
taxes he sorta laughed
uncomfortably, then realized I was
serious. He called me a racist and
insinuated I think all black
people look the same.
That is extrememly ignorant and
possibly slightly racist.
I am not a racist, Foley! Don't
take that negro's side!
Foley is left speechless by Beeker's blatant racism.
                       BEEKER (cont'd)
That was a joke...a racist, racist
joke. What's with you anyway? You
got emo face on.
I'm just depressed, and angry at
someone, and a little irritated at
you for not coming through with
the party e-vites.
Yeah, that's so weird that no one
else showed up. The same thing
happened at my birthday party that
no one came to. But you know what,
that was sorta my fault. I
accidentally sent the invitations
to myself. I opened up my email
last week, because I only check it
every few months or so, and I had
like ninety e-vites from myself to
my own party. That's probably not
what happened with your party
though...what are the chances of
me screwing that up twice, the
exact same way?
You're an idiot.
A nicely dressed CUSTOMER wearing a tie comes through the
door and approaches the register.


Foley hops down from the back counter, attempting to appear

The customer sets an open retail item, torn plastic casing
and all, down on the front counter next to the register.
Can I help you?
I bought this from you
earlier...and now I don't need
it...so I need to return it.
But it's open.
Yeah...I thought I needed it...but
it turns out I don't. So I'd like
to return it.
I'm sorry. I can't just return
your money for something you
opened and now are deciding you
don't want.
Fine, it's defective! Can I return
it now?
Of course.
Foley hands Beeker another of the same item, this one brand
new and still sealed.

Beeker sets the item on the counter in front of the
There you go. That one should work
Are you telling me this item I
bought no more than an hour ago
and haven't even so much as
touched cannot be returned to the
store in which I purchased it?


Look bro, we are a retail store
just like any other. You can't
return an item after it's been
opened unless it is defective
right out of the box in which case
I can only switch it out for
another of the same product. It's
store policy.
I'm not your bro. Do I look black
to you?
      (under breath)
Now that's racist.
You want to stand behind your
little counter and pretend like
what you're doing is of any
importance, then do it to the
little shits that come running in
and out of here on a daily basis.
You have no idea what it means to
have a real job, you worthless
piece of shit.
The customer turns to leave.
I know what a real job is. Your
wife showed me last night.
The customer turns back around, more furious than before.
Excuse me?
And you think just because you
wear a tie it means your job is
more important than mine? I could
wear a fucking tie any goddamn day
of the week if I wanted to, you're
still the one who was stupid
enough to buy, and then open,
something you didn't even need and
expect to get your money back for


When is your manager going to be
in? I want to talk to him.
I am the manager. Take your fat,
sweating, racist, non-black ass
and get it the hell away from my
store! Bro!
In utter rage, the customer winds up and tosses the
"defective" product right at the face of Beeker like he was
pitching for whoever won the World Series this year (or
next, depending on when this movie actually gets made).

But before the package could make contact with Beeker, it is
snatched from the air by Foley like he was catching flies
with chopsticks!

Beeker watches in amazement as Foley walks around the
counter towards the customer who has now begun fleeing
towards the exit.

The customer disappears at out the door. Foley shuts the
door, locking the deadbolt.
Holy Foley, that was amazing!
Foley's adrenaline wears off rather quickly as he drops the
product, grabbing his hand and screaming in pain as he
bleeds profusely all over the floor from the large gash the
hard plastic covering the item made across his palm.
Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh
my God oh my God oh my God oh my
God oh my God......
Beeker's "Oh my God"s and Foley's cries of shock and pain
continue as these two "model" employees run helplessly about
the store.
Totem drives his truck, rocking out to fake Christian band I
made up, JC.
"..and the Looooord saaaaaiiiiiid:


The music is cut off, and a familiar voice comes through the
You're Shonna's boyfriend, right?
Yes...who is this?
The music kicks back in. Totem goes right back to rocking
out, as if nothing happened...because he's an idiot.
"...EAT! SHIT! LUCIFER! Yeah!"
                                         CUT TO:
The restroom is empty of any living thing...unless you count
the toilet.
So close. One more day. One more
The toilet proceeds to laugh sinisterly.
In the bath, behind the shower curtain, Mangelo, still
wearing his hat and glasses, looks cautiously from side to
side at the sound of the laughter.
Foley comes home from a long (and painful) day of work. His
"catching" hand is bandaged poorly.

Upon opening the door, he sees Mangelo, sitting on the
couch, all the lights on.

Mangelo looks a little jumpy.
Hey...the lights are on.


Yeah, I didn't feel like reading
today...you think I can talk to
you about something?
      (sits on couch)
What's up?
It's about the toilet.
Uhh...okay. What about the toilet?
Were you aware that the
toilet...can talk?
...Yes, I am well aware of that.
Oh, thank God! I thought it was
just me. I almost gave up
Mangelo removes his hat, and pulls from it a tiny bottle of
whiskey and goes to town.
What happened to your hand?
You should have seen it! Some
asshole got pissed at Beeker and
threw something at his face, and I
snatched it out of the air like
the fucking Matrix! We watched it
like forty times on the security
tape. Cut my hand though.
That's badass. You should tell the
toilet about that when he gets
Gets back? What's that mean?


Said it was leaving for a while,
but you'd see it again real soon,
all sinister like. Nice kid.
He didn't...evolve, did he?
There's not some creepy toilet
person walking around town I
should maybe call the cops about
or anything?
Toilet's still in there. It just
isn't speaking right now. Hasn't
said a peep since my two o'clock
Foley stands and goes sceptically into the restroom.
                                         CUT TO:
Foley shuts and locks the door behind him and stands over
the toilet.
Toilet? Hello?
There is absolutely no response from the toilet.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
If this is about our fight, I'm
sorry...even though it was
completely your fault and you were
acting like a dickface.
Still nothing.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
Okay, look, since Shonna broke up
with me, you have been the most
important person in my life. Sure
I have other friends and a brother
who drinks himself too stupid to
think even when he's sober...
                       MANGELO (VO)


                       FOLEY (cont'd)
But you are the only friend I've
ever had who has tried to help me
improve my life, even if it is
only because you were sent by God
or aliens to do so. I guess what
I'm trying to say is: if you don't
say something, I'm going to shit
in your mouth.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
Foley unzips and pulls down his pants.
Foley exits the restroom.
I guess he really is gone...either
that or I just choked him to
death. That thing was a monster.
Foley tosses and turns in his sleep.
                       VOICE (OS)
Foley, you awake? Well, get awake!
Foley's eyes open. He sits up in bed, looking around the
Toilet? That you?
Goddamn skippy.
Foley jumps away from his pillow. He stares at it in
surprise a moment before picking it up and holding it in
front of his face.


Name's Pillow now, bitch.
      (Voice moves)
Or is it Blinds?
Foley drops the pillow, his eyes following the voice to the
blinds covering his window.
How are you--?
      (From all around)
How am I what? Booming all around
you like the voice of God or James
Earl Jones?
How are you doing this? How did
you move?
I was never here to keep you from
dying. I just used your pathetic
broken heart to get your mind weak
enough to the point where you
would want to kill yourself. The
brain is weakest right before
That's not true...is it?
Could be. Sounds true.
Anyway, what?
I tried to make you think that you
couldn't live without Shonna,
literally, so that when she
rejected you again, you would try
and kill yourself and I could take
over your weak brain!
Why? What for?
To be human, dumb shit.


So, what, you are a ghost?
Hey, that's personal and I don't
really have time to get into that
with you right now. I just thought
you should know I've decided
against possessing you...for lack
of a better term. You got too much
shit rattling around in your head
and I don't need all that. So I
went after the next weak mind I
could find.
I thought we were friends?
See? Too much thinking. And we
weren't. Answer your door.
Foley's doorbell RINGS.
Foley answers the front door to find Totem standing on the
other side of it.
Hey...my radio said you had
something to talk to me about?
Your radio? It's you...he wants
your body.
As flattering as that is, could
you tell me why my radio is
talking to me?
You have to listen to me. This is
going to sound crazy, because it
goddamn is, but a few weeks ago,
my toilet came to life, and now it
is able to move between objects
and possibly humans, and it is all
being done with evil intent, and I
think you are the human it wants


                       FOLEY (cont'd)
to...move in to.
Totem continues to stare at Foley without so much as a
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
Foley is startled at the sound of both Totem's and the
Toilet's voice coming out of one body in unison.
Totem punches Foley right in the face, knocking him onto his
back. Totem stands over Foley and unzips his pants.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
THE PEEING. You like that Venom
reference? Sweet, huh?
Totem is suddenly hit on the back of the head by something.

Totem falls to the floor and looks up to see Mangelo
standing in the doorway, his book in hand.
Nobody urinates on my family!
Totem jumps up and shoves Mangelo against the wall.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
I don't have time for this! I have
a woman to kidnap.
Go ahead, just stay away from me.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
      (to Foley)
Shonna, you imbecile (dummy). I'm
going to kidnap your girlfriend
and keep her for myself.
What? No, don't do that.


                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
Or what?
Or I'll...stop you.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
I almost believe that. But you
know what, I don't think you want
to stop me. I think you will be
relieved (happy) if she stays with
me because you are too afraid to
commit anyway. You don't know how,
and even this idiot (Hey!) is
capable of that. You don't deserve
her. And you know I'm right.
Totem walks out the door.
Mangelo gets to his feet and helps Foley up as well.
What was that all about?
He's right. I don't know how to
commit to anything, especially a
relationship. But I want to,
Mikey. I want to learn how...I
want to be what Shonna wants and
needs. I'll see you later.
Where you going?
Far away, Mangie. So far away, I
don't know when I'll be back. But
I'm coming back an adult, ready
for love.
Far away?
So far away.
Foley runs out of his front door, around a walkway, and up
the stairs to his neighbor's and knocks on the door.

The door opens. On the other side stands JONESY.


Hey, Folds. What's up?
Jonesy...I need your help.
Jonesy's living room is decorated with photos of he and his
wife's faces poorly photoshopped on to already existing
pictures, including long walks on the beach, playing with
the kids and even wedding photos.
Foley walks the walls, observing these photos.

Jonesy meets him with a cold beverage.
Thanks. These pictures...that's
Not really. Heather has a phobia
of having her picture taken. It's
a very serious problem actually.
Oh...sorry. Photophobia?
No, that has to do with lights. I
honestly don't know the technical
term for it.
We can just call it picture
Yeah, let's go with that.
The two men sit, probably in opposite chairs, or one in a
chair and one on the couch. Or one on a turtle and the other
in the mouth of a whale. I don't give a shit...they're just
not sitting side by side on the same piece of furniture.
You guys good? You and Heather, I


Things are great with us. We're
each other's best friends and we
spend almost every waking moment
togther, and neither of us have
gotten tired of the other yet.
Wow, that's amazing. You have it
all figured out. I don't know how
you do it. I'm so caught up with
myself, I never thought of what
was best for Shonna. No wonder she
dumped me.
You guys broke up? That's tough
bro, I'm sorry to hear that.
You didn't know? Don't you
remember her bringing another guy
to my party last weekend?
I don't believe I was invited to
Beeker sent the invitations,
so...he probably just missed you.
That weird guy from the Muppets?
No, a friend of mine.
You could have just walked over.
Anyways, I need advice from you. I
need to get Shonna back or I am
going to lose her forever.
All I can say is, you gotta make
every day about her. Let her know
how important she is to you and
never let go of that feeling of
love you have for her...don't let
it get clouded with all the other
shit you have going on in your


                       JONESY (cont'd)
life, because none of it is as
important as you two being
I'll try. I'll try damn hard. I do
want those things, I do want her
to know that all the time in the
world I have will be devoted to
being with her. Like you and
Heather. Every waking moment.
Where is Heather, by the way?
Hell if I know.
Mangelo sits on the couch, watching television on mute with
the closed captioning turned on.

Foley kicks the door open.
Mange, come with me.
Where we going?
You're gonna help me save Shonna
from that walking toilet
"Ehh"? What "ehh"? I'm talking
about a damsel in distress
situation here.
But I saved YOU already today...it
just seems like a lot for one day.
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD (OS)
I'll go.


Foley is has the shit scared out of him (not
literally...well maybe a little) as he becomes suddenly
aware of his landlord standing behind his door.
Foley and his landlord walk side by side, moving briskly
past Jonesy's place just as Jonesy steps out of his
Hey, Foldgers, where you going?
Uhh...nowhere. Just gotta discuss
Oh...okay, but don't forget, if
you need any more help winning
Shonna back, I'm here for you.
Alright, buddy, thanks.
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
      (to Foley)
Why didn't you ask him to come
with us?
He's not really a lot of fun
anymore since he got married.
Plus, I haven't seen his wife
since he came back from his
honeymoon alone...so, that's a
little weird.
Foley takes his cell phone out of his pocket.
Talon is hitting golf balls with his golf club when his
phone rings. He takes it out of his robe and answers it.
      (into phone)
R.P.F, what's up?


The store phone rings.

Beeker jumps behind the counter wearing a plastic guitar
controller and answers it.
      (into phone)
Beeker speaking.
Count on it.
Beeker slams the phone down.
                       BEEKER (cont'd)
Closing time, bitches! You don't
have to go home, but you can't
stay here.
A frightened LITTLE BOY (who is the only other person in the
store) standing in front of the counter with a video game in
hand looks up at Beeker.
                       LITTLE BOY
But I'm supposed to stay here
until my mom comes to get me.
      (to little boy)
Well, you should have thought
about that before you bet your bus
money against my mad guitar
From the left, Talon approaches weilding his golf club.

From the right, Beeker approaches weilding his guitar

They meet in the middle, standing on either side of Foley
and the landlord.

All four men stand staring at the closed gate.
Alright gentlemen, this is it.
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
Who wants to help me over?
      (creepily to


                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD (cont'd)
Beeker shakes his head in disgust.
I got this one.
Talon approaches an electronic key pad and dials in a

The gate opens.
How'd you know the code?
I used to get it aaaahhhhhn with
this fine bitch over in that
yellow house.
      (to Talon)
That's so weird...I used to live
in that yellow house.
Maybe it was your roommate?
Doubt it. My only roommate was my
Foley gets awkward.

The landlord grins big.

Talon starts to get flustered.
No...no, that's not true. Besides,
this lady was black. So, unless
you're adopted...
      (to Talon)
He's adopted...
I am adopted.
Talon looks very apologetic.


Beeker looks pissed...and then breaks out in laughter.
Only to me would something like
that happen!
Talon chuckles uncomfortably.
By now, the gate has closed again.

Beeker runs up to the keypad and dials the code.
The sun is starting to set.

Through the window of Shonna's house, Shonna can be seen
cooking in the kitchen.

Behind her, Totem (Toilet) stands staring at her creepily.

Foley and the gang stand at the window, looking in.
They're here.
Of course they are. That's why we
followed you here. Are you saying
you didn't know if they'd be here
or not?
I was guessing, but really where
else would they be?
Anywhere...I walked here, and I'm
assuming the rest of you did as
well? Were you going to make us
look all over town on foot if they
weren't here?
I hadn't thought about that.
Honestly, I probably would have
given up. As much as I feel like I
would do anything to be with her
again, the truth is if it got too
hard I probably would have called
it a night, tried again in the
morning. If things work out, don't


                       FOLEY (cont'd)
tell her I said that.
Why did we all walk here? That was
bad planning by all of us.
My car's broken down.
I let this girl I picked up last
week borrow mine...haven't seen
her since. I knew I should have
offered to take her to church that
day, that lying bitch.
My mom drives me everywhere. I
wasn't about to tell her I needed
a ride to go kill a talking toilet
that possessed my friend's
ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend. She
would have been all "I wanna
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
My wife ate mine!
The other three look confused and wierded out at the
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
Oh, were we still talking about
cars? Never mind, I was just
following the Mexican guy. My wife
does eat a lot though.
So, what's the plan?
Shonna chops something (lettuce, onions...whatever is
cheaper for budgetery reasons).

Behind her, Totem stares at her butt.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
You ever sit on someone's face


What? No, why would you ask me
that? And seriously, take a
The doorbell rings.

Shonna puts down the knife and unties her apron (because
that's what they do in movies) and leaves the kitchen.
The front door opens. Finding no one at the door, Shonna
pokes her head out to get a better look.

The group of four duck lower into the bushes on the side of
the house as they are nearly spotted.

Shonna goes back inside and closes the door.
What happened there?
I chickened out.
Now what?
                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
She didn't lock the door.
...Exactly...that was exactly the
plan all along.
Foley quietly opens the door and steps inside. Behind him,
the other three follow.
                       SHONNA (OS)
I'm gonna go change, T. I'll be
right back.
Shonna walks past the front entrance.

Foley, Talon and Beeker all hug the wall as to not be seen.

The landlord stands right out in the open in front of the
open front door.


                       ASTONISHED LANDLORD
      (to Shonna)
Hey, how's it going?
      (to Astonished
Oh, come on!
      (to A.L.)
Seriously...who trusts you to run
an apartment complex?
Shonna jumps back at the sound of his voice, turning to find
the four men standing in her home. She notices Foley at the
head of the group.
      (to Foley)
What the hell are you guys doing
I know this is going to sound
crazy, but you gotta believe me,
Shonna. I'm here to save your
Save my life? From what?
He's planning on kidnapping you.
He isn't who you think he is.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE (OS)
You call me, babe?
Totem appears behind Shonna, eating a celery stick.

Talon cries out in a warrior's fashion and steps in front of
Foley, swinging his golf club as hard as humanly possible.

The club makes a horrible "THUD" of a noise as it cracks
against Totem's skull.


Totem falls hard to the floor, completely unconscious and
bleeding profusely.
Shonna screams.
Talon drops the golf club in fear of what he's just done.
      (to Talon)
What the shit, man? Did you just
kill him?
You said he was possessed! I
thought he'd have superhuman
strength or something!
Why would you think that?
I don't know!
Oh my God, we're going to prison.
Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God
oh God--
The landlord grabs Beeker's plastic guitar from him and
clubs Shonna in the head with it.

She walls against the wall unconscious as well.
Ahhhh! Why?
The landlord throws the guitar down next to the golf club,
turns and leaves the house quickly.
Totem is tied up to a chair. He wakes up groggy to find
Foley, Beeker and Talon tying Shonna to a chair across the
See? Now she'll stop falling out
of it.


Foley notices Totem is conscious.
He's awake!
Thank God.
The three approach Totem.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
What the hell, Foley? Were you
trying to kill me?
Not necassarily. Just trying to
get you out of Totem's body. Like
an excorcism, I guess.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
With a golf club?
That wasn't exactly part of the
My fault.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
It's going to take more than
horrible, horrible human pain to
get me to leave. I'm fused. I
can't be exorcised by any means,
not like you've seen in movies.
Even if you managed to kill Totem,
that doesn't mean I'd die with
him. I might still be stuck in his
rotting corpse, walking around
like Night of the Living Dead
toilet...guy. I couldn't leave
this body if I wanted to.
Something so morose, so utterly
undesireable to me, so completely
horrifyingly disgusting would have
to take place to get me ripped out
of here. Good luck thinking of
something I hate that much.
We could take turns anally raping


                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
What? Don't do that.
Dude, I'm not doing that. Let me
know when Shonna's possessed. I'd
be down for that.
Totem grunts in pain as he is shoved over onto the floor,
still tied to the chair.

Foley, Beeker and Talon stand around him.
                       TOTEM WITH TOILET VOICE
What is happening here?
Gentlemen, proton packs ready.
All three unzip their pants simultaneously.
                       FOLEY (cont'd)
And go.
Two streams of urine flow down onto Totem, drenching him
everywhere as he cringes in disgust.

Talon struggles to urinate but seems to be having trouble.
Give me a minute, I went before we
Shonna awakens to find the men peeing on Totem.
What the fuck is happening to my
Beeker leaves the house first.

Foley and Shonna follow after him.

Behind them, a drenched Totem and Talon exit the house last.
      (to Talon)
This is like that last scene in
Ghostbusters 2 where that creepy


                       TOTEM (cont'd)
French guy who's on 24 now is all
gunked up and he wants to hug
everybody. Remember that?
I'm not hugging you, buddy.
      (to Shonna)
Sorry about your head. I don't
know why I brought that guy. He's
just my landlord.
As long as you mop up you and your
friends's urine up off of my
kitchen floor, I'm just going to
forget about this whole thing.
Deal. I'll use my own mop.
That's probably best. So...Totem
was possessed by possibly a ghost,
demon, renegade angel or alien
spirit who had previously occupied
your toilet, and peeing on him
forced it out? That's the gist,
That's sounds about correct. You
believe us?
It's easier that way, so yes.
I mean, I did save you from being
kidnapped and all...
Right, that. I think I may need
some space.


It's just, I just watched my ex
boyfriend urinate on my new
boyfriend who used to be a toilet
that hated to be peed and pooed
in...it's just a lot to ingest.
That's not to say I won't want to
once I wrap my head around this
whole obsurd mess.
It is obsurd, isn't it?
Totally, totally obsurd. We can
hang out though. Tomorrow?
That'd be nice.
Just don't invite any of your
friends to come along.
Never even crossed my mind.
      (to Totem)
Sorry I wasn't able to help, you
know, saving your life.
It's totally cool. I get stage
fright any time someone stands
next to me in a urinal, so I get
it, man. The important thing is,
you tried. That means a lot to me
that you tried to pee on me.
I have to go pretty badly
now...you want me to give it
another shot?
Nah, I think I'm gonna go try and
find a car wash to run through.
Thanks, though.


Alright, man. Catch you later.
Talon slaps Totem on the shoulder, and pulls his sopping wet
hand back in disgust.
Foley, Beeker and Talon walk side by side down the empty
So that was eventful. We were
kinda like the Power Rangers back
Yeah, thank you guys for coming
Any time Foldgers. I would never
skip out on a chance to piss on a
guy. What do you think happened
to, you know, it?
We may never know. As long as it's
outta my house and outta my life,
I really don't give two squirts of
Ha ha, good one.
Where is this? I recognize this
Mangelo's kitten runs into the litter box and scratches
around, preparing to do its business.
Goddamn it, are you kidding me? I
guess this is a little more
tolerable than human feces...I can
live with this.


                       MANGELO (O.S.)
Outta the way, cat! I gotta go!!
Mangelo rushes into the restroom in a frenzy, pushing the
kitten aside.

The kitten runs out of the restroom as Mangelo lowers his
pants and sits ass-first in the litter box.
Ugghhh, I'm gonna be sick.


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From Victor M. Bruno ll Date 12/11/2008 *
The characters need some work. You can only take the bathroom humor just so far. The humor seems a little strained, like it's being forced.

From Drew Martorelli Date 12/9/2008 ***1/2
It was a good read and I can definitely imagine it as a movie. The characters were well-developed and distinct. The only real problem is how easily Foley believes the toilet's really conscious. Maybe the toilet makes a grim prediction (that comes true) to prove he's real. Also, Beeker explaining his mom is white kills the joke--it would be funnier leaving Beeker with a black mom who slept with Talon, of course, that would conflict with the racism discussion in the store, so you might have to have Talon say she's Bengali or something.

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