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The Freakin Spy Sequel
by Heather Rafferty (heather@rafferty.org)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

The sequel to the improv film, The Freakin Spy, on youtube.com/hetfilms. Andy is back to take down Etc. Goods Inc., a company dedicated to taking over the world with evil tissues. Despite his efforts to keep out of the situation, Andy has no choice but to face his arch nemesis.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



THE FREAKIN SPY SEQUEL

INT. THE PARK - DAY
                                                            
ANDY walks down the sidewalk of a semi-busy street while his
theme music plays.

He approaches a park and goes to the swings, where he starts
swinging.

A football comes flying out of nowhere and hits him square
in the face, knocking him off the swing.

He looks around. Seeing no one, Andy examines the ball in
his hands. A muffled voice seems to come from it, and Andy
starts ripping the ball up to hear the voice better.

KID #1, KID #2, and Kid #3 run from around the corner and
look at the pieces with disappointment.

The voice goes on, muffled and hard to make out.
                                                            
                       KID #1
What did you do to our ball?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Oh, this? This isn't yours.
                                                            
                       KID #2
It sure looks like yours, Matt.
                                                            
Kid #1 starts crying for his mom and Andy decides to leave
quickly.

A Mexican woman runs from around the corner and chases Andy.
She yells something in Spanish and stops chasing.
                                                            
 
EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY
                                                            
ANDY puts his hands on his knees, panting. GABE walks up to
Andy with a hoodie and jeans and a SIMBA stuffed animal.

The muffled voice returns. As Gabe holds out his hand with a
little DEVICE, the voice gets clearer.
                                                            
                       GABE
It was underneath the swing.
                                                            
                       ANDY
So getting hit in the face was...?
                                                            

2.

                       GABE
      (stuffing the
       transmitter into
       the Simba doll)
Yeah, not planned.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Ok.
                                                            
                       GABE
Yeah, sorry about that.
                                                            
                       ANDY
It's cool I guess. You got
something on the Panguitch case?
                                                            
                       GABE
We've assigned it to someone else.
Steele called. Claims he's got
your friend, Sid. So you need to
lay low for a couple weeks until
we have a location and can shut
down Etc. Goods Incorporated once
and for all. If you need to give
us a call we have a new frequency
for you.
      (hands Andy the
       Simba)
Watch out, Andy. You stole time
and money from this guy last time
and he wants you dead.
                                                            
                       ANDY
      (happily)
I'll make sure to keep an eye out
for evil tissues. See ya 'round,
Gabe.
                                                            
                       GABE
Andy, this isn't a vacation. You
still have paperwork from the last
3 cases. Maybe you could get that
done.
                                                            
Andy shrugs him off and walks away.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S APT - DAY
                                                            
Little furniture sits on the opposite wall. DOCUMENTS and
MAIL cover the counter.

ANDY enters from the front door and tosses the SIMBA on the

3.

couch, then sets down his BACKPACK and some documents on the
kitchen counter. He opens the refrigerator.

The animal starts making urgent SHEEP NOISES at him. Andy
looks at the animal in confusion.

A ninja, DEAN, enters the apartment from the back door and
examines the stuffed animal.

Andy realizes that Dean doesn't notice him, and drops to the
floor then peeks around the corner.

Dean now has the toy in his hands and fiddles with it a
little, makes it stop making noises, and sets it back down,
making a visual search of the apartment.

Andy backs into the corner of the kitchen. Dean enters and
sees Andy on the floor.
                                                            
                       ANDY
...Who are you?
                                                            
                       DEAN
Who are you?
                                                            
                       ANDY
I'll be asking the questions. This
is my house and you just walked in
without an invitation.
                                                            
                       DEAN
An open door is an invitation.
                                                            
                       ANDY
The door wasn't open.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Yes it was.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I think I would know, I just came
home.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I think I would know, I just
walked in.
                                                            
                       ANDY
So who opened it?
                                                            
Just then a THUD comes from upstairs.
                                                            

4.

                       ANDY
I gotta get out of here...
                                                            
Andy starts shoveling the documents and mail that cover the
counter into his backpack.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Woah, clear the area and get off
the road, Sergeant Angmar senses
danger.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Dude you don't even know what
you're talking about. That doesn't
even make sense.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Aw, come on. Just havin' a laugh.
Where are you going?
                                                            
Andy stands at the open back door and looks out cautiously,
saying:
                                                            
                       ANDY
I'm leaving... I uh... just
remembered that my wife is having
a baby. So... bye.
                                                            
Andy walks out and closes the door. A couple seconds later
he opens it again.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You're not staying in my house.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Apartment.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Fine. You go see what that noise
was upstairs. I'll wait here.
Scream if it's scary, k?
                                                            
                       DEAN
No, I'm coming with you.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Good, let's go.
                                                            
Dean walks out of the apartment and closes the door behind
him.
                                                            
 

5.

EXT. OUTSIDE ANDY'S APT - DAY
                                                            
ANDY locks the door while DEAN watches.
                                                            
                       DEAN
So now we're going to go see your
honey push a kid out?
                                                            
                       ANDY
What? Oh. Yeah. No, you're not. I
am. Get lost.
                                                            
                       DEAN
What? You said I could go with
you.
                                                            
                       ANDY
...Syke.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Well, hey, you know what? I could
be the kid's goddaddy. You got one
picked out yet?
                                                            
                       ANDY
You wanna be my kid's goddaddy?
Fine. Tell me who the fuck you
are.
                                                            
                       ANDY
With pleasure. My name is Dean,
Russel's... Dean Russels. I know
who you are, Andy. I know what you
do. I know you almost shut down
Etc. Goods Incorporated but didn't
finish the job and Steele got
away. And I know your friend is
alive and I was sent to get your
help because Steele will let you
come. In fact he wants you to come
so that he can kill you. So I need
you to get in, and you need me to
stay alive.
                                                            
                       ANDY
      (stunned)
...Thanks, but I'm not interested.
I was ordered to lay low and
that's exactly what I'm going to
do.
                                                            
Andy walks away, leaving Dean at the door.
                                                            

6.

                       DEAN
You know they're not going to find
Steele.
                                                            
Andy walks away, leaving Dean at the door.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEACH - DAY
                                                            
ANDY sits on a rock deep in thought with SIMBA next to him.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I don't know, Clyde. I just
thought he was dead.
                                                            
Cut to Andy walking up a hill with the ocean behind him to
his CAR, a hatchback. As he pulls away, we see DEAN lounging
in the trunk.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
ANDY is driving with SIMBA in the passenger seat. They both
have seatbelts on. DEAN is still in the trunk. The road is
in the middle of nowhere on a highway. We hear light
inspirational MUSIC playing from the CD player.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Well, it's just you and me.
Beautiful me. On our way to my
beautiful summer home. Well... my
ex-girlfriend's summer home. My
ex-girlfriend's parent's summer
home really. I hope they're not
there. That'd be awkward. But you
know, Clyde, maybe not. Because
I'm beautiful now. Show that
      (mockingly)
ooh Stanford, I got into
Stanford's pants, he's soooo hawt,
girlfriend--
                                                            
                       GABE
      (V.O. from Simba)
You know Stanford is a school,
right?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Good lord, Gabe, you scared me.
You can't just sneak up on someone
like that.
                                                            

7.

                       GABE
This is a two-way radio. It's not
really sneaking up.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Oh, gosh, Gabe--
      (makes static
       noises)
I think I'm losing you--
      (more static
       noises)
I think--
      (more static
       noises and then
       he stops)
                                                            
                       GABE
...Andy, I can hear your Lion King
shit.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Shut up, it's soothing, okay?
                                                            
                       GABE
Look, dude, whatever. I've got
some new info on Steele. He's got
a son.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Ew, someone would reproduce with
that?
                                                            
                       GABE
Can we please be grown up here? He
could be dangerous. The apple
doesn't always fall too far from
the tree.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Are there statistics on when it
doesn't?
                                                            
                       GABE
Andy--
                                                            
                       ANDY
Or is there like a cut off or
something? I mean if I were to
gauge it, I would say I fell at
least three meters away from my
tree. Like a wind kicked up or
something.
                                                            

8.

There is a long silence.
                                                            
                       GABE
An--
                                                            
                       ANDY
Maybe it's the tree that grows too
close to where the apple fell
because it's an overprotective son
of a bitch.
                                                            
Another long silence.
                                                            
                       GABE
Are you done?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Maybe it just had long branches.
                                                            
                       GABE
Three meters from the trunk?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Touche, man. That's the spirit.
                                                            
                       GABE
This conversation is over. Just be
careful, okay? Have fun at Susan's
parents'.
                                                            
                       ANDY
      (laughing)
Alright, man.
                                                            
Andy tosses the Simba into the trunk, hitting Dean.
                                                            
 
EXT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME - DAY
                                                            
ANDY steps out of the CAR and walks toward the door of
Susan's parents' summer house. MCCLOUD and PORKY enter the
screen from the sides behind Andy and start heading toward
his car with CROWBARS.

Inside the car, we see DEAN flip over out of the trunk and
drive the car away noisily.

Andy spins around and looks at the thugs in puzzlement,
which slowly turns to alarm.
                                                            
 

9.

INT. ANDY'S APT - DAY
                                                            
EARLIER THAT DAY...
                                                            
JOHNNY JONUS, GEORGE JONUS, MCCLOUD, PORKY, and KATE are
walking down the stairs just as DEAN closes the front door.

They all sit down, making themselves at home.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
This is stupid and pointless.
Where's the action?
                                                            
                       KATE
      (to no one in
       particular)
The heavens pour out their hearts
and sink into an everlasting,
tumultuous grumble with mother
earth as tides are turned and
trees uprooted. The fresh scent of
death is growing around you,
George.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (to Johnny,
       fascinated with
       Kate)
I think it's kind of nice. When
Andy gets home we get to tie him
up and stuff. That's exciting,
right Johnny?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Sure, George. When's Russel's
stupid kid gonna get here?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
      (fascinated with
       Kate)
Why is she here?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Kate? Boss said she can see
things.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Yeah, the visions. But she's
always wrong.
                                                            

10.

                       JOHNNY
Forget about it, George. All I'm
saying is that it would be more
exciting to have a real job.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Like a lawyer?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Like Head of Ect. Goods. I could
do a better job than that tight
buttoned suit any day.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
      (in a thick Irish
       accent)
Maybe if you laid off the booze
and went to college you wouldn't
be such a lowlife little devil.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (obviously not
       understanding
       McCloud)
Yeah I could make a deal with the
devil. If he existed! Ha! Irish
piece--
                                                            
Enter DEVIL.
                                                            
                       DEVIL
You rang?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Hey... Isn't the devil not
supposed to enter uninvited?
                                                            
                       DEVIL
Vampires, kitten.
                                                            
George throws his beer on Devil, who doesn't move but is
obviously annoyed.
                                                            
                       DEVIL
Witches melt. Thanks.
                                                            
                       KATE
Oh! Throw something silver at it!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
How about a bullet?
                                                            

11.

Johnny pulls out a GUN and shoots Devil. The bullet appears
to have gone nowhere.
                                                            
                       DEVIL
Seriously? You gotta get your
mythology straightened out. You're
like those little Portuguese water
dogs, except not. Silver kills
werewolves. You're simply--
                                                            
George throws an APPLE at Devil. It hits him in the head.

Devil fumbles with the apple and then catches it.

He holds it up, speechless.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
...Mummy?
                                                            
 
INT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME - DAY
                                                            
We first see a vacant CHAIR in an empty room. Then ANDY is
slammed down into the chair with a hand on each shoulder
(belonging to MCCLOUD and PORKY).

JOHNNY and GEORGE walk in, looking down at the helpless spy.


Johnny leans over Andy. Cue intense music.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You're not as intimidating as
people say you are.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S APT (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
Devil throws the apple back at George.
                                                            
 
INT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
                       ANDY
And what do people say about you?
Oh yeah. Nothing.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S APT (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
DEVIL is angry and speaks softly with an uncomfortable edge.
                                                            

12.

                       DEVIL
I'll forgive you for being so
stupid, because I have kind of a
soft spot for idiots. They tend to
give me their souls.
                                                            
 
INT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You think you're funny, don'tcha?
                                                            
                       ANDY
I think you're funny. Funny
looking!
                                                            
Johnny smacks Andy.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S APT (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
Devil continues to speak:
                                                            
                       DEVIL
So whaddaya say, boys?
                                                            
 
INT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (to George)
What kind of torturing tools do we
have laying around?
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
      (in a thick Irish
       accent)
I don't think torturing him would
be such a great idea. The boss
wanted him alive. So we don't know
what he's going to use him for
and--
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Dude! Shut up! I can't understand
one goddam word you're saying. So
just shut up.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S APT (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
                       DEVIL
What's your desire?
                                                            
 

13.

INT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME (CONTINUED) - DAY
                                                            
The phone rings and the intense music halts.

George leaves the room and we can hear some babble in the
background as he talks to someone.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I understood him just fine. He
said it wasn't a good idea to--
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah? And who the hell are you?
Shut up.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Hey, Johnny, the boss wants to
talk...
                                                            
Johnny grabs the PHONE from George. George watches
anxiously.

In the room with Andy, Andy hands the thugs some money and
they quickly and efficiently trade places while Johnny is
having the following conversation:
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, we have him, boss... No, I
wasn't gonna... George is an
idiot, Steele. I wasn't going to
torture your stupid playtoy. But
if I may say so, beating him
around a little wouldn't hurt. In
fact, it would make him easier to
manage so he doesn't pull some
amazing escape out of nowhere, you
know what I mean? ...Of course,
sir... Bye.
                                                            
Andy jumps out the window just as Johnny turns around.

Johnny's face sinks.

He turns back around and DEVIL is leaning against the wall,
awaiting his next soul deal.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
DEAN is driving and ANDY is sitting shotgun. The Simba doll
sits in Andy's lap.
                                                            

14.

                       ANDY
      (angrily)
What are you doing with my car?
                                                            
                       DEAN
Uh, saving you.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Have you been following me?
                                                            
                       DEAN
Your welcome.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I want to know who you are right
now.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I told you.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Tell me more.
                                                            
                       DEAN
What more do you want to know?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Start from the beginning. The
abortion clinic said no and then
what?
                                                            
                       DEAN
Ouch, bud. I might need a band-aid
for that one.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Who sent you?
                                                            
                       DEAN
The way I see it if I wanted to
kill you, you'd be dead. I know
the location of Etc. Good's
headquarters. That's where I'm
going. You want me to take you
there or not?
                                                            
                       ANDY
How do I know Steele didn't send
you to bring me to him so he could
kill me himself?
                                                            

15.

Dean stops the car and pulls over. Then he leans over Andy
and opens the glove box, taking out a map. He grabs a
sharpie from his pocket and makes a mark on the map.
                                                            
                       DEAN
That's where I'm going. And I'm
taking your car. Where are you
going?
                                                            
                       ANDY
If you need me so bad then why
aren't you very convincing?
                                                            
                       DEAN
If you don't want to go so bad
then why aren't you getting out
and reporting grand theft auto?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Because I want to go.
                                                            
Dean pauses in confusion.
                                                            
                       ANDY
      (high pitched
       mumble)
I don't know why you're arguing
with me. I keep telling you that
we just need to go.
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (laughing)
Alright, Andy.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I'm Dean, let's waste some time
sitting here doing nothing.
                                                            
 
INT. SUSAN'S PARENTS' SUMMER HOME - DAY
                                                            
After Andy escaped.

MCCLOUD and PORKY are tied up in the chair. GEORGE is
standing in the doorway to the room where they're tied up.
JOHNNY is looking at DEVIL, who is leaning against the wall.
KATE is off to the side somewhere.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
That's not fair.
                                                            
                       DEVIL
How isn't it fair, muffin butter?
                                                            

16.

                       JOHNNY
He got away!
                                                            
                       DEVIL
I'm sorry mummy didn't teach you
to keep better track of your
presents.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We didn't sign Kate's soul away
for nothing!
                                                            
                       DEVIL
Pity.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Whatever, we still have two souls
left.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Johnny, we can't...
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Are you volunteering?
                                                            
George crosses his arms and looks down sadly.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (to Devil)
Draw up another contract.
                                                            
Kate starts screaming off screen. She's having a vision in
the middle of the room on the floor.
                                                            
The brothers run over to her.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
What'd you see, Kate?
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (seeing she's okay)
Who cares?
                                                            
                       KATE
I saw Andy! He's going to kill us
all!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Oh please! He is not.
      (doggy voice)
Katie, don't you worry. He's off
to Siberia to pull sleds with the
other huskies so that he doesn't
have to deal with mean ol' Johnny
            (MORE)

17.

                       JOHNNY (cont'd)
ever again, see?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Stop it! Maybe he's going to Etc.
Goods.
                                                            
                       KATE
Yeah I saw him doing that, too!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Shut up!
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Johnny, stop!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
She's a loony bat, George! You
yourself said those predictions
were never true!
                                                            
                       DEVIL
Ladies, please. Put your ginger
season tea down. Contract time.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
      (from the other
       room)
Let's trade Johnny's soul for some
popcorn!
                                                            
                       PORKY
      (from the other
       room)
Aye! We'd get more out of that
than we did for Kate's!
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (to Porky and
       McCloud)
Are you done with your
nonsensicalities?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
I'm not sure that's a word.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (ignoring George,
       to Devil)
Alright, Porky's soul for Andy:
tied up, gagged...
                                                            

18.

Johnny walks toward the tied-up Porky with a gun and the
contract.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY (Continued)
...unconscious. Delivered straight
to Etc. Goods Incorporated.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDY'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
DEAN is driving and ANDY is sitting shotgun with the SIMBA
doll in his lap along with the large map.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Andy, north is that way. No. What
are you doing? Are we even going
the right way?
                                                            
                       ANDY
We're curving so I have to rotate
the map.
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (grabbing for the
       map)
We're not curving to a one-eighty.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You're knocking Clyde over!
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (stops grabbing
       for the map)
You named the doll?
                                                            
                       ANDY
I wonder why Gabe hasn't called. I
should tell him where the
headquarters are. Why didn't I
think of that sooner?
      (examining the
       Simba doll)
How do you suppose--
                                                            
Dean knocks Andy out.
                                                            
 
INT. EGI HQ, RUSSEL STEELE'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
RUSSEL is sitting at his desk with DEAN diagonal from Russel
with folded arms and his ninja mask on.
                                                            
JOHNNY, GEORGE, PORKY, MCCLOUD, and KATE walk in.
                                                            

19.

                       JOHNNY
Where'd everything go? It's like
an abandoned warehouse down there.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
It is an abandoned warehouse.
                                                            
                       DEAN
We're abandoning it.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
We're moving again?
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
We have to, Johnny. We don't want
them finding us.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Those raisin-brained spies?
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
Oh, raisin-brained. Speaking of
raisin-brained, you forgot to
mention that Andy escaped.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Yeah, but--
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
Dean walked in with Andy tied-up,
gagged, and unconscious; delivered
him straight to Etc. Goods Inc.
Now that's what I call initiative.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (grumbles)
That was my initiative.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
Come, boys. I'm sure--
                                                            
                       GEORGE
And Kate.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
And Kate. Let me show you to our
guests so that you can beat them.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
Now you're speaking my language.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
That's so cliche.
                                                            

20.

                       MCCLOUD
That's so cliche to point out a
cliche.
                                                            
Porky and McCloud laugh.

Johnny shoots back a nasty look.
                                                            
 
INT. ETC. GOODS INC., AN UNOCCUPIED OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
No windows. Dried blood pool on the floor. A pathetic,
beaten SID sits in a corner with HANDCUFFS. ANDY lays in
another corner unconscious.
                                                            
Enter RUSSEL with JOHNNY and MCCLOUD.
                                                            
Sid stirs.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You put them in Cale's office?
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
Well, Cale's not using it anymore
since he decided his loyalties lay
elsewhere.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
      (looking at the
       dried blood pool)
...Of course.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
They're in no condition to go
anywhere. Bring them meals and
watch the door and you should be
fine.
                                                            
Johnny stares at Sid slightly horrified. Sid stares back.
                                                            
                       JOHNNY
You use tissues on him?
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
He's been very helpful in our
research, yes. The new line should
hit stores by summer allergy
season once everything is set up
at the new location. I'll be in my
office if you need to disturb me.
                                                            
Russel leaves.


21.

Johnny shifts uncomfortably and takes a deep breath.

Johnny and McCloud exit.
                                                            
                       SID
Andy.
                                                            
Andy doesn't move.
                                                            
                       SID
Andy. Andy, wake up, man.
                                                            
Andy slowly comes back to consciousness.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Aw, my head hurts...
                                                            
                       SID
Andy.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I feel like a truck hit me.
      (seeing Sid)
You look like a truck hit you.
What happened?
                                                            
                       SID
Just tissues, man.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Sid, we gotta get out of here.
                                                            
                       SID
Go save the world, Andy. They said
I have cancer in like three
organs. It's good to see you,
though.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You helped me last time, remember?
On the beach?
                                                            
                       SID
Andy. I was knocked out before the
action even started. Before it
even thought about starting. That
says miserable failure to me.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Look, whatever, dude. I'm blowing
this place up and I can't do it
with you inside.
                                                            

22.

                       SID
Andy...
                                                            
                       ANDY
Fine, you know what? It's not for
you. It's so I can sleep at night
knowing you died of cancer and not
'cause I blew you up. Better?
                                                            
                       SID
      (sighs)
Alright, man. Let's roll.
                                                            
Cue bad-ass music.

Andy kicks down the door and he and Sid beat the crap out of
JOHNNY and GEORGE, who are standing outside the door.

PORKY appears down the hall and draws two swords.

Sid and Andy exchange a glance and pull out the brothers'
guns from their limp bodies and open fire on Porky.

Porky turns and runs away.

MCCLOUD turns the corner behind them and stops.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
This way, boys.
                                                            
Andy and Sid follow.
                                                            
 
INT. RUSSEL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
RUSSEL is sitting in his chair behind the desk with his feet
on the desk. DEAN is sitting in front of the desk, lazyboy
style, with his ninja hood hanging on his shoulders.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
I'm glad you're on board with the
Steele team, son. We're going to
make this company big.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Dad, I don't want to be part of
the Steele team. I wanted to be
apart of it, but it's not a team.
It's you and your money and then
the people who make the magic
happen.
                                                            

23.

                       RUSSEL
I don't like your tone.
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (sits up and takes
       his feet off the
       desk)
With its realistic approach and
sincere overtones with a side of
bitch slap? I guess I wouldn't
either. I'm done with your little
tantrums, dad. I'm over it. I'm
over you and your team. So here's
how its played.
      (taking out the
       contract)
Spies Inc. managed to find you.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
Lord, Dean, I wonder how.
                                                            
                       DEAN
And they're on their way. In fact,
I'd say that they're entering the
building right now. But you have a
chance to save yourself, pops.
Sign this and I'll save you.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
      (reading the
       document)
You're making deals with the
Devil? Are you aware that these
never seem to work out exactly the
way you planned? This is pure evil
you're dealing with, Dean!
                                                            
                       DEAN
You're running out of time, dad.
                                                            
                       RUSSEL
Goddamnit, Dean! This is
ridiculous!
                                                            
                       DEAN
Sign it, Russel. It's the only way
I can save you. They'll do
terrible things to you. Later on
you can even exchange your soul
for someone else's. We'll figure
it out, trust me. But right now...
                                                            

24.

                       RUSSEL
Alright, if I can exchange it.
                                                            
Russel Steele signs the contract.

He looks up and Dean is holding a gun to his face with the
DEVIL next to the door.

Dean pulls the trigger.
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (pulling up his
       ninja hood and
       walking out)
Syke.
                                                            
 
INT. ETC. GOODS INC. HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
ANDY and SID are standing in front of the building on the
beach and behind a flat piece of cardboard getting ready for
their rap. In the very far background, we see KATE dragging
GEORGE towards the edge of the screen.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Alright, Sid, gimme a dope beat.
                                                            
Sid gives Andy a dope beat.

Andy takes a breath and the building blows up just as he
starts rapping.

Kate is ecstatic and jumps up and down, laughing in the
building's face. We can faintly make out some screams but
can't make out any words.

MCCLOUD walks on screen and starts break dancing on the
cardboard.

Partway through the rap, DEAN walks onscreen with his hood
up from behind them.

Dean draws his sword and spins it so that the hilt is
pointing outwards.

Dean smacks Sid in the back of the head with the hilt.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You again? We were just about to
reach the climax!
                                                            

25.

                       DEAN
      (pushing back his
       hood)
There is no climax in rap.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Dean!? But... you helped me...
                                                            
                       DEAN
I helped you get here, yeah. I
kept an eye on you so that you
didn't expose us before I killed
the king and inherited the jewels.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You're Russel's son.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Yeah.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Well everything is blown to
pieces. There's nothing left to
inherit.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
They moved to another building.
                                                            
                       DEAN
An abandoned warehouse was blown
up, Andy.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Why didn't you just kill me
earlier...?
                                                            
                       DEAN
Last time we fought fair, didn't
we?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Yeah and I owned you.
                                                            
                       DEAN
A couple things are going to
change this time.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Yeah? You think so?
                                                            
                       DEAN
First off, I'm going to win.
Second, it won't just be owning.
It'll be death. And third, it's
            (MORE)

26.

                       DEAN (cont'd)
not going to be a slap fight.
                                                            
                       ANDY
A slap fight? That was an epic
battle of Goliath proportions!
                                                            
                       DEAN
In exchange for selling my dad's
soul to the devil, I was granted
sweet ass kicking ninja powers.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Well I was born with some ninja
ass kicking powers so it's all
good.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Bring it, Andy.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You bring it.
                                                            
                       DEAN
You bring it first.
                                                            
                       ANDY
No, you bring it first.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Fine.
                                                            
Action sequence in front of the ocean.

Unexpectedly and by accident, Dean kills Sid just as he
awakes from unconsciousness by decapitating him or
something.

The music stops.

Andy is pissed.
                                                            
                       ANDY
You did not just do that.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I guess you'll have to make
terrible music with someone else.
                                                            
We hear police sirens and cars screech to a halt in the
background.

Andy, Dean, and McCloud turn to look. Two vans from Spies

27.

Inc. and police cars have come to check out the explosion.

GABE and 3 OTHERS jump out of the Spies Inc. vans.
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (to himself)
It's not worth it.
                                                            
Andy turns back around to see that Dean and McCloud have
disappeared.

Andy walks up to Gabe. Further back from them, JOHNNY is on
a stretcher to be taken to the hospital.
                                                            
                       GABE
What happened here?
                                                            
                       ANDY
      (turning to
       building remains)
Fucking Kotex.
                                                            
                       GABE
      (beat)
Kleenex.
                                                            
Another beat.

Andy starts to cry.
                                                            
 
INT. THE NEW ETC. GOODS INC. BUILDING, AN OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
"A month later..."

A computer sits on the desk with a keyboard but otherwise
barren.

We hear a door open and close and then a box is pushed onto
the desk.

DEAN walks onscreen and pulls out a nameplate from the box
and sets it down on the front of the desk.

He falls backwards into his chair and puts his feet up on
the desk.

DEVIL is offscreen in the corner.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Finally where I belong. At the
top.
                                                            

28.

                       DEVIL
Don't get lonely all by yourself
up there.
                                                            
                       DEAN
      (playfully)
What are you talking about? I have
you here with me.
                                                            
Devil gets a sparkle in his eye and deviously half grins.
                                                            
Someone KNOCKS at the door.
                                                            
Devil's appearance suddenly changes to a businessman with
sleeked back hair.
                                                            
                       DEAN
I didn't know you could shape
shift.
                                                            
                       DEVIL
Every so many souls buys me new
toys.
                                                            
                       DEAN
Lucky you.
                                                            
Devil leaves and a haggard looking worker walks in
nervously.
                                                            
 
INT. ALLEYWAY - DAY
                                                            
ANDY and his new partner, MARY, are hiding behind a dumpster
under fire.
                                                            
                       ANDY
I don't think they're going to
stop, Mary.
                                                            
                       MARY
I think that's a safe assumption.
                                                            
The shots stop.

Andy and Mary exchange glances.

They look out from behind the dumpster.

MCCLOUD appears behind them. He's got a new punk look with a
blue mohawk and a leather jacket.
                                                            

29.

                       MCCLOUD
      (in a thick Irish
       accent)
I'm sorry about Sid, Andy.
                                                            
Andy and Mary turn around, startled.
                                                            
                       ANDY
McCloud?!
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Yeah, dude. What's up?
                                                            
                       ANDY
You're going to blow our cover,
get down!
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Oh, I called them off once I
realized it was you.
                                                            
                       ANDY
McCloud, you're housing an
Australian terrorist. We were sent
to take him out.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Oh, Wade?
                                                            
                       ANDY
Yeah, Wade.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Ride on, man. Everyone hates him.
He eats kangaroos.
                                                            
                       ANDY
He eats kangaroos?
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Aye, man.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Bastard.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Yeah, look, I'll do the job for
ya.
                                                            
McCloud whistles.
                                                            

30.

                       MCCLOUD
Boys, come on out and meet my
buddy.
                                                            
5 GUYS, including Wade, walk over to them.

McCloud pulls out a gun and shoots Wade in the face.

The others are shocked and then start congratulating
McCloud.
                                                            
                       MCCLOUD
Look, Andy, I'll see ya 'round,
kay? Don't be a stranger.
                                                            
                       ANDY
Alright, take it easy, boys.
                                                            
Andy and Mary start to walk down the alley in the opposite
direction.
                                                            
                       MARY
What just happened?
                                                            
CREDITS
                                                            
 
INT. WEDDING RECEPTION NEAR OCEAN - DAY
                                                            
GEORGE is wearing a suit and pouring himself some punch. He
is talking to another MAN. No music.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Yeah, she's beautiful.
                                                            
                       MAN
Gorgeous. How come Johnny's not
here?
                                                            
                       GEORGE
He's in a coma.
                                                            
                       MAN
Lucky you.
                                                            
                       GEORGE
Why?
                                                            
                       MAN
Because he's a dick. He would
totally ruin this for you, man.
                                                            
Kate walks to the two men glowing and in slow motion.
                                                            

31.

                       GEORGE
I would have loved to see the look
on his face when he saw her.
                                                            


THE END


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