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by Chelie and Colleen

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ****
A movie about two girls in high school trying to get over guys and just growing up and learning life lessons. But not as stereotypical as that sounds. This is still in progress and we are new at writing screenplays so we appreciate all the feedback we can get.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



Scene opens with cracked sidewalks along the houses of a
small town. Music begins to play instantenously. As the
camera pans the sidewalk, it suddenly shows the feet of a
teenage girl. Camera moves up to her face and shows CHELIE
walking down the sidewalk with a look of both determination
and nauseau.
                       COLLEEN (V.O.)
You should just tell him.
                       CHELIE (V.O.)
But what if he doesn't like me?
                       COLLEEN (V.O.)
Look. You'll feel a hell of a lot
better if you just get it out in
the open. Besides, we already know
he likes you. Think of everything
that's happened between you and
                                         FADE INTO
Clips of KYLE giving Chelie piggy back rides, hanging out at
a party, cuddling on a couch together, them on the phone,
him giving her his coat in the rain, and him shoving cake on
her flirtatiously.
                                         FADE INTO CHELIE
Chelie approaches Kyle's house and takes a deep breath.
Biting her lip, she walks up to the door, knocks firmly, and
closes her eyes until Kyle opens the door.
Hey, so, um, I thought I'd stop
                                         FADE TO BLACK


Shots of glamorous teenage girls getting ready for a big
party. Everything seems effortless and happy. Cut to
Chelie and COLLEEN attempting to get ready for party in
bathroom. It seems painful and frightening. "UNDATEABLE"
appears as camera pans of house for a New Year's Eve Party.
Camera pans the party as teenagers dance and music blares.
It moves to the kitchen where Chelie and Colleen are sitting
on the kitchen counter surrounded by junkfood and shoving
brownies into their mouths. Both look dejected, and their
hair has wilted. Scene cuts in mid-conversation.
      (dead serious)
That stupid ginger cunt.
                       COLLEEN (agreeing)
He's Captain Firecrotch.
I mean he literally said to me:
Scene cuts back to the opening scene in front of Kyle's
house. Camera shows a close up of Kyle's face as Chelie
speaks for him.
                       CHELIE (V.O.)
The truth is Chelie, you're a
wonderful, hysterically funny
person that I am honored to even
know. Oh, But i don't want to date
Camera pans Chelie's shocked face outside Kyle's door. Then
cuts back to Chelie's angry expression at the party.
Like, don't fucking tell me that!
I know I'm hilarious! I already
know I'm awesome!
      (in mock solemnity)
Yes, Colleen.
I'm honored to even know you.


Shut the fuck up! But yeah, it
gets even better than that. He
starts getting all emotional and
shit and says how important our
friendship is and he doesn't want
to lose that bond and how special
I am and whatever. Like, do you
have a dick? Seriously, I don't
even care that much.
Sure you don't.
I was positive he liked you,
though. He kept sending all these
And I already know he's capable of
liking me. We dated last year.
Chelie, that's probably not the
best reason for him to want to
date you again.
Okay, so I royally fucked it up
last time. I was the worst
girlfriend ever. Still, I'm ready
now. Why doesn't he like me
He's a jerk.
He's not even that attractive. I
mean, he looks like a combination
of Shrek and Carrot Top.
Doesn't matter. A guy can be
hideous and still get any girl. I
mean, how all else can you explain
all those pre-teens swooning over
Troy Bolton? He's oranger than an
oompa loompa!


Yeah as long as the guy's over
5'6" girls will be like "omg
you're as tall as Shaq. Like, let
me blow you!"
Hey, at least Kyle knows you
exist. Seriously, I don't think
Tim has even realized I'm a girl
I thought you said he texts you
all the time?
Yep. Every night. Always the same
thing. Were you able to figure out
the answer to number 6 and what's
the atomic mass of Vinadium?
      (oversaid, even
       with a wink)
Looks like you guys have
Shut up. I'm not in the mood.
Apparently neither is he. What guy
texts a girl late at night to talk
about chemistry? Hey, maybe that's
how he is trying to pick up on you
like, "Would you light my bunsen
Go to hell.
Well that's already taken care of.
Wait, isn't Tim here tonight? Why
don't you just go talk to him?
Colleen gives Chelie death stare.
Just a suggestion.


Right, every guy wants to hear
that his lab partner has been in
love with him since the first
grade. I can't tell him. We have
a system. I'll just keep being
secretly in love with him, and he
can just continue being completely
oblivious to everything.
You are the most logical hopeless
romantic I know.
And it works for me.
Oh so I get it now. It's stupid to
tell a guy you like them but
that's the same exact thing you
told me to do all of yesterday!
Yeah but that's you and not me.
You're Chili Big Boobs Setzer, and
I'm Colleen Mitchell. Besides,
there was actually a reason why we
thought Kyle liked you; whereas,
there are absolutely no signs that
even hint to Tim liking me.
Don't say that.
I know this sounds crazy, but
sometimes I have this fantasy that
he's just going to realize that
I'm the one for him, and he'll
kiss me, and then we'll....
      (noticing Tim)
Continue this disucssion about,
      (looking behind
       her shoulder)
About the electoral college.


Right. Way to backhandedly revoke
our right to vote, Founding
TIM, holding a pair of New Year's celebration glasses in his
hands, walks up behind the counter and taps Colleen on the
      (with a head nod
       to Chelie)
Oh, hey, Tim. Didn't notice you
were here.
      (to Chelie)
      (turning to
Mitchell, come with me.
Umm, okay, yeah, sure.
Tim helps Colleen off the counter and wraps his arm around
her shoulder as he guides her out of the kitchen. Colleen
turns around and looks at Chelie with a wide-eyed
expression. Chelie makes awkward sexual thrusting gesture,
and Colleen turns back around. Behind her back, Colleen
gives Chelie the finger.
Tim guides Colleen into an empty hallway between the main
room of the party and the kitchen and then stops and turns
to her. He slips his party glasses on.
You look, um, nice tonight.
      (sarcasm, with
       strange look
       toward the


                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
Um, you too.
Thanks. Okay, so I've really been
meaning to talk to you for a
while, but I keep putting it off.
But I really wanted to say...
No longer able to contain herself, Colleen giggles.
                       TIM (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, I just can't take you
seriously in those glasses. You
look, well, you look like a manga
Harry Potter.
      (quickly taking
       off the glasses)
Oh, yeah. Right, okay, so...
      (pauses to clear
Well, we've always been such good
friends. I've known you longer
than anyboydy else at school. And
you've always been there for me,
and I know I can ask you anything
because you're opinion really
matters to me.
What do you want to know, Tim?
Do you think I could get Rachel
Harris to go out with me?
Sure, Tim. I do. Definitely.
Knock youself out.
      (mumbling to
Or her up, whatever.


Nothing. Go think with
testosterone. I hope you find
eternal happiness and bliss.
Thanks, Mitchell
      (ruffles her hair)
You're a great friend.
Of course. That's what I'll
always be.
      (to herself)
Your friend.
      (putting his arm
       on her back)
I love you, bud.
      (awkwardly patting
       him on the arm)
You too, kiddo.
You'll never let me forget that
you're the older one, will you?
      (bitter teasing)
Maybe when you stop acting like
you're twelve.
Ouch, Mitchell. Well, gotta go.
Wooing Rachel time!
Tim quickly runs away, and Colleen watches him prance over
to RACHEL HARRIS and immediately initiates flirting. Colleen
watches sadly and then leans back against a wall in the
deserted hallway. After shedding a few tears, she wipes
them away angrily. She takes a deep breath and walks back
towards the kitchen.
Colleen walks back into the kitchen and sits on the counter.


I hope he never has sex. Ever.
Ouch. That bad?
Go ahead. See for yourself.
Colleen points to outside room, and Chelie looks to see.
Camera shows close up of Tim and RACHEL kissing heatedly.
Oh, shit. You might have to run
that whole celibacy thing by
Rachel. That's nauseating.
Fuck my life. That's it. He's
ceased being Tim to me. I now
knight him forevermore as His
Royal Highness Prince Douschebag.
Long may he reign in the land of
He can live in the castle with
Captain Firecrotch.
Yeah. They'd be the perfect gay
couple. Ugh. I shaved my legs
for this. And not just up to my
knees. I shaved my entire leg.
Even though I hate shaving and it
takes too long and inevitably
grows back after a day. And for
what? A pat on the head? What am
I a dog? Ugh. He is the most
despicable boy I have ever laid
eyes on.
Besides Kyle Clauss.
I think it's a tie between Thing 1
and Thing 2.
       glancing back


                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
       towards Tim)
Why didn't he want to kiss me
instead of her?
I hate boys.
They suck.
And yet I want one anyway.
We all do. It's this lame
estrogen crap.
Make it stop. It's the worse.
I'll do my best.
Voices count down to 2009.
Hey. The countdown started.
Yay. Another year of hopeless
pining and unrequited love.
      (trying to be
Happy 2009.
Chelie kisses Colleen on the cheek. Colleen looks at her
with bewilderment.
What the hell was that for?


Hey, I need a New Year's kiss from
someone around here. I know you're
clean so that's a plus.
How romantic.
Colleen, why the hell are we
moping around like this? I mean
it's a New Year, and I really
think that-
BOY 1 enters the kitchen.
                       BOY 1
Hey, can I have those cheeseballs?
      (to boy)
Yeah, sure.
      (to Colleen)
We have to move on and start
focusing on ourselves instead of
these assholes. Either that or
kill ourselves, one or the other.
Boy 1 throws Chelie a bewildered look before leaving the
I vote option two. But I'm
Catholic, so that would never
Both laugh and look at each other with understanding on what
needs to be done. The resolution is made.
You know what, it's a New Year, a
new semester. Let's get over
these guys.
You're right. We have to. It's
the only way we may ever be able
to function normally again.
Or our version of normal, anyway.


      (with a sigh)
Well, I guess we must meet our
inevitable doom and go be social.
Girls look at each other and make no effort to move.
                       COLLEEN (CONT'D)
Too soon?
Too soon.
Girls eat brownies and scene fades with them talking.
View of crowded hallways in a blue and white hallway with
plenty of corny inspirational posters. Some sleepy kids,
some shady kids, some Type A kids, but no stereotypical
clique depictions of high school. A realistic school

Colleen walks down the hallway and stops at Chelie's locker.
You're wearing orange.
                       CHELIE (looking down)
Aw shit. I try to keep him out of
my thoughts and now his hair color
is creeping up in my subconscious
as I'm getting dressed in the
At least it's when you're putting
clothes on, not taking them off.
That's a start. I'm so proud of
my little girl.
      (pinching Chelie's
She's growing up so fast.
Screw you. Come on, let's go.
They both start walking down the hallway.


Ugh, I hate coming back after the
holidays. It's such a cocktease.
Like, you get so used sitting
around doing nothing all day---and
then all of sudden, you're pillow
gets ripped from under your head
and you are forced to wake up when
it's still dark out and endure
hours of learning that, quite
honestly, I forget two seconds
after I ace the test.
Isn't that the M.O. of every high
school? To make life suck as much
as possible?
Well, ours has friggin' got a 2400
on those SATs.
Which is harder than you might
expect, because I hear that
crushing everyone's self-esteem is
even harder than the math section.
As they turn the corner they enter a new hallway filled with
couples kissing, hugging, groping, holding hands, etc.
Quick, Colleen. Hold my hand.
What?? NO!!! Why?
Perhaps, so I don't feel like such
an undateable loser.
I'm pretty sure that making all
the guys think you're a lesbian
isn't gonna help.
I wouldn't be so sure. This could
work to my advantage, I mean guys
are huge pervs, they might like


Oh God, you're right. Remind me
agian why I even want one again?
Orgasmically good pheremones. And
that's just one scientific reason.
I can continue.
Camera shows Tim and Rachel making out against some poor
soul's locker.
Science is stupid. Give me your
Camera follows Chelie and Colleen and cathches the
expressions of the couples who turn to stare and laugh at
them. As they approach Kyle, who smirks at Chelie, they let
go of hands.
Maybe this whole batting on the
other side thing isn't for us.
I never was very ambidextrous.
They approach a door that reads "AP CHEMISTRY."
Well, this is me. Another
exciting morning of AP Chem and
the wonders of molecules.
Happy bonding!
Chelie waves goodbye before walking away.
Camera follows Colleen as she enters classroom. It is the
typical high school lab setup. The black tables are
ardorned with test tubes and supplies for an experiment.
Students are talking in groups as MR. HAMMOND writes
directions onto the blackboard. Colleen sits down at the lab
table in the corner next to Tim.


Hey, chem buddy.
Hey, Prince D---I mean, Tim.
Ready for another semester of
Hammond's AP Chemistry with the
sexiest lab partner ever?
Haha. Sure. Tell me when you
find him.
Ouch, Mitchell. You wound me with
your vicious, vicious words.
The bell rings and Mr. Hammond stops writing and turns to
address the class.
                       MR. HAMMOND
Okay, class. Settle down. Now,
as I know you all probably spent
your winter break forming
molecules with the Noble Gases and
curing cancer, I thought we'd take
today slowly to adjust back into
things. I'm going to pair you up
with new lab partners, and then
you can all try your very best not
to set anything on fire like what
happened in November
      (stares at Tim
as you do Lab 32 in your manuals.
      (not bothering to
       raise his hand)
But, Mr. Hammond, we already have
lab partners.
                       MR. HAMMOND
Yes, Mr. Matheson, but since you
always seem to slack off as Collen
does the work, which I'm not
exactly upset about, I thought it
might be more educationally
beneficial to mix up the pairs.
      (putting on his


                       MR. HAMMOND (cont'd)
       glasses, which
       are hanging
       around his neck,
       and perusing a
       piece of paper as
       he points to lab
All right, AP Chemers. Donegan
and Baccari, Cavan and Andorko.
Simon and Matheson, Mitchell and
Hayes, table two...
Voice fades as camera follows Collen to table two where she
meets ADAM HAYES. Camera shows his face before moving back
to Colleen.
      (hesitantly as she
       puts on her apron)
Hey, Adam.
      (smiling and
       putting on his
       apron, as well)
Oh, hey, Colleen. I haven't
talked to you in awhile.
Yeah, funny how that happens. We
only have this class every morning
Yes, but you were sitting all the
way over there.
How's it going?
Fine. I've been busy with school
and band and my family. I'm just
always running around doing
something. I haven't really
relaxed in months. Junior year,
big fun.
I know the feeling. So, band,
huh? Aren't you trying out to be
the grand marshal, or something?


Drum Major. Tryouts are going on
now, but I won't find out for sure
if I am till band camp in June.
This one time at band camp...
Colleen puts her hand over his mouth.
Stop right there, Adam Hayes. That
joke is never funny.
Adam looks down at her hand, and Colleen, realizing for the
first time that she's touching his lips, blushingly removes
her hand.
                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
Oh, sorry.
      (pauses awakwardly
       as she begins to
       measure the HCl)
Well. I guess we're stuck
together this semester.
Don't sound so happy about it.
Hey, at least I'll put in more
effort than your former partner.
I'm like the Jack Bauer of Chem.
You should see me with a scoopula.
      (looking at Tim)
You know, Tim really wasn't that
bad of a partner. Sure, after the
"incident" I started handling most
of the flammable objects, but he
did tons of stuff to help me.
Tons. For instance, whenever---
"Ahhh" what?


Could you be more blatantly
obvious about it?
You've lost me.
      (gesturing to Tim)
You're in love with him.
Colleen spills her test tube of HCL, but it goes unnoticed
by both parties.
What? No, I'm not.
Sweet denial. If you were anymore
in love with him, you'd be as
obvious as the ending to a crappy
chick flick.
I like chick flicks. Okay, they
might be completely predictable
and cliched to a fault, but at
least they always have a happy
ending. Except for the ones that
don't, and I just don't like
those. Who wants to get invested
in characters just to find out
that they don't get everything
their hearts' desire?
You still babble.
Only when I'm in uncomfortable
Do I make you uncomfortable?
Nope. Just your questions.


Ahh. Which brings us back to your
knight in generic tin foil.
Yes, okay. I like Tim. A little.
      (Adam gives her a
Okay, a lot.
I thought so. So have you told
Padre Peroxide yet?
Prince Douchebag.
Excuse me?
Oh, not you! It's Tim's nickname.
He's Prince Douchebag.
I like it. It's got a certain
Shakespearean quality to it. You
know, if Romeo turned out to be a
douche, which acutally, he was.
Funny how these things work out.
      (he laughs, but
       then turns
Anyway, stop avoiding the
question, Miss Evasive.
      (admitting defeat)
No, all right. I haven't told
How come?
What is it with everyone? I'm
just not the type of person who
randomly goes up to the person
they like and tells them to their
face. I'm the type of person who's
stuck in the Friend Zone while
he's off gallivanting with Rachel


                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
      (picking up a
Ouch. Do you need a paper towel
or something to wipe up some of
that venom?
Ugh. Sorry. It's just been a bad
couple of days.
Carpe diem. It's not that hard to
do. You just look them in the eye
and say it.
Just like that?
Yep. Just like that. Here, I'll
even give you a demonstration.
      (looking into
       Colleen's eyes)
Colleen, I like you.
Colleen, transfixed, stares back at him for a few brief
seconds before she turns and sees the acid forming a puddle
on the table.
Oh, crap! Go get some baking
Adam laughs, and Colleen watches him get up and leave. She
then turns back to look at Tim, who is having trouble
understanding his manual. Colleen smiles sadly at him. The
bell rings.
Camera follows Chelie exiting school and pushing past the
mobs of people. Outside she sees Tim, Rachel, and JILL, and
feels obliged to make some sort of conversation. She walks
up to them.


      (rather coldly to
Oh, hey, Chelie. Where's
Mitchell? Aren't you guys
attached to the hip?
We got sugery. The doctors said
it was risky, but I convinced
Colleen into it eventually with
some extremely positive recovery
She went home already, I think.
      (putting his arm
       around Rachel's
Oh, okay.
So, uh, do you guys need a ride,
or anything?
No. My mom's coming now. Thanks.
All right. Well, I'll see you
Chelie searches through her purse for her keys while
listening to their conversation, which catches her interest.
She stalls.
Yeah, Kyle and her are sooo cute


I know! Liz is, like, so pretty.
Like so pretty. I'm so happy for
I've heard things are really
going. Like 90 miles per hour.
Did they have sex?
Not yet. But, uh, Kyle should be
pretty pleased.
Feeling increasingly uncomfortable and unwilling to hear
anymore, Chelie coughs to make them aware of her presence.
Oh, Chelie don't you know?
Know? No. What am I supposed to
Kyle has a girlfriend.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah she goes to St. Anne's
Catholic school. She and Kyle met
last week at Kim's party.
Last week.
      (not listening to
Oh my god that party was so fun!
Yeah, especially when that dude
got completely wasted and started
playing with one of those potted
cactuses. I heard he's got tiny
punctures all over him.


I guess you had to be there.
Chelie, are you okay?
Yeah. I'm gotta...bye.
Chelie walks in a daze to her car, throws her hand on the
wheel as the horn goes off and she screams obscenities that
sound muffled from the outside. She fishes through her
glove compartment before finding a CD labeled "ANGST" and
puts it on.
Chelie drives to Colleen's house blasting Metallica's "Enter
Sandman" while angrily singing along. She pulls into the
driveway and slams the door of her car getting out.
Determined, she walks straight into Colleen's room and goes
onto the computer. The music begins to fade. Colleen,
reading a Mediator book and listening to her iPod, enters.
Absorbed, she plops onto her bed without noticing Chelie.
Chelie frustatedly slams on the keyboard and mutters under
her breath. Colleen peers up from her book and the starts.
She walks over to Chelie.
What the hell are you doing in my
      (not looking up)
Can't talk now. Busy.
How did you even get here?
Colleen, when a Mommy and Daddy
love each other very much... Or,
you know, two drunk teens in the
back of her dad's car...
Save me the speech. My mom wants
to be a midwife. All she ever
talks about are vaginas and babies
and the sacred feminine.


Kudos on that.
Thanks. It's awesome.
Quick, what's your facebook
Why did you come all the way to my
house to go on Facebook? Are you
worried that the earth will
implode if you don't send out
enough Twilight flair? Because
the pre-teens called and along
with tacky blue eyeshadow, they've
got it covered.
What's your password?
It's, um, ...science123.
      (suppresses a
Whatever. I thought it up in
second grade, and I just use it
for everything now. Besides, I
don't think you should be
interrogating me when you just
invited yourself into my room
demanding my facebook password.
And I don't think you should be
questioning me when you are laying
in your room listening to
      (she looks at
       Colleen's iPod)
Regina Spektor and reading a book
about fucking...
      (she flips through


                       CHELIE (cont'd)
       Colleen's book)
ghost sex.
Ok so we're both embarassing
disgraces to human kind. Now what
are you doing here?
      (rubs her hands on
       her forehead)
He has a girlfriend.
Oh, Chelie.
has a girlfriend. A perfect,
pretty Catholic girlfirend who is
sucking his dick every night and I
need to see her facebook, but I
can't add her as a friend because
she knows my history with Kyle and
then she'll be like "oh you're
trying to break me and Kyle up so
you can have him," and I'm going
to have to explain to this bitch
that I could care less what whore
Kyle is currently banging, and I
just want to avoid all this
bullshit, so I need to sign onto
your account.
      (taken aback
       slightly by
Did I mention she is like soooo
pretty because that's all Jill and
Rachel can talk about like how
pretty she is and omg like they're
going to have sex tomorrow and
then the heavens will open up and
Jesus will come down and be like


                       CHELIE (cont'd)
this was the best love-making of
all time therefore everyone in the
world receives eternal happiness
except for Chelie Setzer because
she sucks at life.
After this I'm deleting our
Hell no.
      (fearing for
       Chelie's sanity)
Believe me. It's in your best
interest. I only do it cause I
love you.
      (eyes grow wide)
Okay, Liz Jacobs from St. Anne's.
Here she is.
Do you realize how creepy this is?
You are honestly first-rate
facebook stalking right now. She
might be really nice and innocent.
She could even floss regularly!
      (dead serious)
Desperate times call for desperate
Chelie and Colleen both view the picture of LIZ and then
click to enlarge it. The girl looks uncannily similar to
Chelie. This fact makes Colleen and Chelie a little
Is this just me, or does that look
like me?
       with this
Well, at least he's consistent.


She makes a better me than me! Oh,
I have to see their wall-to- wall.
      (reaching for
       Chelie's bag)
That's it, I'm taking your keys.
      (grabbing it back)
What the hell? Why? I have to go
I do not feel comfortable allowing
you to drive in this condition.
Friends don't let friends drive
under the influence of stupid
      (nods her head)
      (She hands over
       her keys. Both
       girls just sit
       and look online)
She has a Catholic school girl
outfit. How can I compete?
Hit me baby one more time.
I just don't understand it. He's
dating me, but not me. He's
dating a better me.
I think it's time for the two boys
we know we can always count on.
If you say Neil....
I meant Ben.
And Jerry?


Our constant companions.
Make it two spoons, please.
Okay, I'm going to be right back.
Don't do anything too stupid while
I'm gone.
I'll try my best.
Colleen walks away but hesistates at the door. She turns
Hey, Chelie?
Yeah. We can check Tim's
Facebook, too.
Ext. shot of High School as the bell rings. Camera moves to
the words "FILM APPRECIATION" on the outside of door. Cuts
to Colleen and Chelie inside classroom. Sitting behind them,
NEIL eavesdrop on their conversation. Their teacher MR.
HEATER plays solitare on his computer.
I can't believe you wouldn't let
me drive myself to school.
I was worried about you. After a
while, my mouse just couldn't
handle all the furious clicking.
I didn't spend that long on your


Four hours. My hardrive and I can
I stand corrected. But seriously,
I could've just driven myself to
If you had gotten into in an
accident, I'm the one who would
have to ruin my mascara crying at
your funeral. Besides, I got you
to school. Early even.
Colleen, you drive a PT Cruiser.
Only losers and the elderly drive
PT Cruisers.
But it's safe and fuel-efficient!
God, you're a dork.
You know, my lesbian Grandma
drives a PT Cruiser.
      (brushing him off)
That's great, Neil. Anyway,
Colleen, I want my keys back. That
way I can, you know, drive myself
to school.
Road rage is extremely dangerous.
You already speed and think STOP
signs seem to mean, "hey, if you
feel like it, ease off the break a
bit, but if you don't, that's cool
Colleen, there's a line between
friendship and parental


And basically, you're just a pair
of ill-fitting mommmy jeans away
from crossing it.
Thanks, Neil. See, Colleen?
Besides, I was not acting alone.
It takes two to tango.
Among other things.
Shut up, Neil.
Yeah, Dr. Love. Just because you
have a girlfriend doesn't mean you
know anything about girls.
Anyways, come on, Colleen. You
were spying on Tim yesterday, and
you still get to drive.
But it's Tim.
Hey, did you hear that he's going
out with Rachel Harris now?
Neil. If your name does not end
in Patrick Harris and you haven't
either been a genius kid doctor,
met my mother, or had an arch
nemesis named Captain Hammer, butt
the hell out of this conversation
right now.
Sheesh. I thought your period
wasn't for another two weeks.
You predict when I have my period?
Sure, I keep track of it in my
phone. That way I know when I
have to wear a hardhat around you
two. It's like danger zone when


                       NEIL (cont'd)
you're both pms-ing.
You are so sick.
Says the girl who's only a few
days away. It's all about the way
the days work as a monthly cycle.
Like with werewolves. Only, you
know, gross.
Neil, go have passionate sex with
a wall.
You know, you two are always
complaining about how no boys like
you and how whats-his-face is
going out with long-legs instead
of you and how much everything
sucks, and here I am, a male who's
always been there for you, and all
I get are the insults.
And that's why you love us.
Love's a relative term. Sometimes
misconstrued with absolute
I dunno. Love can be kinda nice.
Chelie and Neil stare at her pointedly until Colleen caves.
Okay. It sucks.


      (trying to appear
So, um, Neil, you know stuff about
pretty much everybody in the
junior class, right?
Yeah, pretty much. Why?
Oh. It's not a big deal. I, um,
just wanted to know if you know
anything about Adam Hayes.
Adam? Yeah. He was in my Calc
class last semester. Cool guy.
Very chill. Why?
No reason. He's just my new lab
I thought your partner was Tim.
Not anymore. Little Colleen
ditched her Prince in shining
We, ahh...well, we got paired up
with different people. Nevermind.
Forget I asked.
Sure. Neil, what I think what our
dear friend wants to know is if
Adam has an Eve.
Huh. As far as I'm concerned,
there's no chick after his snake
ready to turn his paradise into a
hell. I can ask around, though,
if, you know, you want me to.
No. No---no, that's okay.


Why don't you just check his
I checked. He, uh, doesn't have
Holy Harry Potter naked on a
horse. Seriously?
Not everyone is a slave to the
digital age, Neil. So what if he
doesn't want to check his wall
every five seconds like you do?
I don't spend that much time on
the internet.
      (sighing with
Okay, sometimes I like to peruse
certain sites...
      (reacting to
       Chelie's cough of
For educational purposes, of
Yeah, sex ed.
Grow up, you two. I think it's
refreshing to meet someone who
doesn't conform to stupid teenage
He'd be a lot cooler if he had a
facebook so you could just check
his status to find out if Adam is
seeing anyone in the biblical


But he doesn't so I actually have
to talk to other humans to find
out information. The horror!
      (to Colleen)
I'll tell you tomorrow.
Aww. Colleen and Adam sitting in
a tree. F-U-C---
If you shut up right now, I'll
give you your keys back.
Colleen fishes through her purse and then hands over
Chelie's keys.
So, Cleen Been, does this mean the
S.S. Douchebag has finally left
Port Mitchell?
Ahoy Adam!
It takes a long time for a ship to
finally leave the docks and head
out to sea.
Especially when he smells so good.
I thought pirates were supposed to
smell bad.


      (whacking Neil)
Metaphor Nazi.
Hey, no more Nazi talk. Let's be
accepting of all people and hang
out later, kay?
      (she waits as they
       both nod)
Except you, Neil. No boys
All hail Chelie, the result of
estrogen gone wrong.
      (ignoring Neil)
Chelie and Colleen enter crowded hallway with students going
home for the day. They walk together to Chelie's locker.
Neil. What a moron.
I mean, Neil is kind of cool in
his own way. Well, almost.
And yet even he can attract a
member of the opposite sex.
God, where does that leave us?
      (looking at
Camera follows Kyle as he starts walking towards them.


Mayday, Chili, we have a problem.
Captain Firecrotch, 11 o'clock and
heading this way.
Quick! Hide me!
Right. Because that always works.
Let me just whip out my
invisibility cloak.
Kyle approaches the two and throws a hershey kiss at Chelie.
Chelz, catch.
      (looking down at
       the candy)
What the---
      (she trails off,
       too nonplussed to
Colleen looks just as confused as Kyle takes her spot next
to Chelie's locker. Colleen waves to Chelie and walks down
the hallway.
      (leaning against
       her locker)
So I finally saw "Forgetting Sarah
Marshall." I know how much you
love that movie.
      (holding her
How'd you like it?
Good, better than I expected.


      (warming up to the
Yeah. I love Jason Segel. He's
my future husband.
      (laughs to herself)
That opening scene with the towel
is pretty fantastic. I laughed so
Yeah. That must have taken a lot
of courage.
Yeah, I guess.
So, what'd you think?
Of what?
You know. Jason's penis. How big
do you think it ranked?
Umm, I don't know. I haven't
really seen enough of them in my
life. I don't think I'm the best
You have to at least have an
opinion. You're the girl who
spent a whole hour and thirty
minutes explaining why the
television industry is completely
Well, it is!
Look, I'm not sure what sick and
twisted reason you have for asking
that is, but I though Jason was
perfectly adequate.


Good to know. And by the way, you
still need to see Annie Hall
sometime. Don't put it off, I'll
be checking up to make sure you
culture yourself. I can't wait to
hear your opinion.
Later, Chelie.
He walks away, and Chelie slams her locker shut angrily.
Chelie and Colleen sit on swings in a rusting, abandoned
playground. The sun sets behind them.
Penis sizes? I mean, honestly!
That's awkward and creepy and just
It wouldn't be so weird if we
hadn't already dated. But then I
had to go and fuck everything up,
and we broke up. And now,
suddenly a year later, I like him
again, and he's asking me
questions about his penis, which I
remember vividly.
Ugh, mental images. Thanks, I'm
scarred for life now.
I know all he wants is validation.
Shouldn't he be going to his
girlfriend for that?
Oh, but that would actually make
logical sense.


I mean what does he want from me?
A diagram?
This conversation is disturbing on
so many levels.
That's why I like Kyle, though. We
can talk about everything.
When he's not talking to his
Damnit. Ugh. Why can't he just
leave me alone! I don't
understand why he always has to
talk to me. Can't he just act
like a complete dick and then go
away forever so I can hate him?
Kyle is either an evil super
genius who gets a sick pleasure
out of screwing with your mind or
he really is as dumb as he acts
and doesn't realize he's hurting
I think it's a little bit of both.
I'm so sick of being so sexually
Don't look at me. I'm finally
taking my grandma's advice and
just becoming a nun. Apparently,
I just scream celibate.
Ahh, tell me about your problems,
Sister Colleen.
Prince Douchebag called. He's
coming to my house tomorrow. We'll
be in my room. On my bed. All
alone. Just me and him. Doing


                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
That almost makes me feel better
about myself.
I'm glad my pathetic troubles
amuse you.
God, can we please stop talking
about guys? I might throw up.
Our conversations lately have been
pretty gag-worthy.
Let's talk about something else.
Anything else.
Oh! So today in government class
we started talking about state
required testing.
Oh my God! I hate them. Who
actually cares about
box-and-whisker plots? I mean,
honestly! A respectable business
person would never point to a
screen and say, "there's all the
data on this cute box-and-whisker
plot!" If the tests weren't so
important for funding, I would
totally B.S. the entire thing.
Me too. Curse my huge superego!
Colleen paces around her room as she mutters to herself.
Suddenly, Tim appears in her room without knocking. He is
carrying a plate of cookies on top of his books. Colleen
starts. Tim grins at her.


Don't apologize. It's okay. I was
planning on having a heart attack
at seventeen anyways.
Haha. Sorry. Let's try that
Tim walks out of her room and then knocks.
Come in.
Oh, hey.
      (gesturing to the
       plate of cookies)
Your mom told me to bring these
She only bakes when you come over.
I think she loves you more than
      (walking over to
       her bed)
Aww, come on. You love me too.
      (rolling her eyes
       and joining him)
They both spread out on her bed. On the adjacent
nightstand, a clock reads 2:44.


Okay, teach. I'm ready for some
learning. Work your magic.
      (opening up her
Okay. Well, what sections do you
need help with?
Umm, sections one through nine.
That's all the sections. The test
is on Monday, and you're telling
me that you don't understand
anything from the chapter!
I get the pictures.
It's not my fault. Mr. Hammond's
so confusing. I only understand
about every other word he says.
Because you never pay attention in
I pay attention.
You're always sleeping with your
eyes open. Sometimes you even
      (throwing his arm
       around her)
Well, that's why I have you to
explain it to me.
You owe me big time for this.


Thanks, Mitchell.
Okay, remember what we were doing
the other day with colligative
properties and how they depends on
the amount of ions present in the
Oh, this is gonna take awhile.
Next time you want anything,
you've got it.
I'm gonna hold you to that.
Done. And I promise to never let
myself get this behind in chem
Okay, till the next big test, at
That sounds more like you.
You're the best, Mitchell.
Yeah, sure. Tell me something I
don't already know.
      (holding up his
       chemistry book)
How about any of this?


I said me, not you.
Okay. Let's study chem.
Let's start at the beginning.
Time passes as Colleen points things out to Tim. She
corrects him, and he makes her laugh. They shove each other
playfully and eat cookies. A close up of the clock shows
that the time is now 6:17. Finally, Tim shuts his book
All this thinking hurts my brain.
That's because it happens so
I'm going to ignore that insult
because I'm pretty sure that I'm
actually going to pass this chem
      (closing her book)
Good. I think if you just look
over your notes and practice a few
problems, you'll do fine.
Thanks. I feel a lot better now.
      (grabbing his
Look, I'm sorry, but I kinda have
to run. I'm supposed to be
meeting Rachel in like five


                       TIM (cont'd)
Oh, right. Course. That makes
sense. You guys are dating. Why
wouldn't you be spending time
together? That would be weird.
Not this. This isn't weird at
all. Right. Well, okay.
      (getting up to
'Kay, I'll see you Monday. Thanks
again, Mitchell!
He walks to her door, and Colleen follows him.
Course. Well, uh, have fun.
Will do. See ya!
      (closing her
       bedroom door)
Colleen walks back to her bed dejectedly and plops down face
first. She takes her phone out of her pocket and dials.
During phone conversation, shots switch between Colleen in
her room and Chelie in hers.
You answered really fast. Too
I have insanely fast reflexes.
Unless you're moonlighting as a
ninja and never told me, I'd say
you had your phone pretty handy.


I may have had it out.
You know, staring at your phone
isn't going to make Kyle call. I
know, Talking to it doesn't work
either. I know. I've tried.
Wow, that's really sad.
I'm painfully aware, thanks.
So, what's up?
Nothing really. His Royal
Highness just left.
And how'd that go?
It was really nice. You know,
until he left to go be with his
real girlfriend.
Ahh, Colleen. Do you want me to
come over?
No, no that's okay. I actually
have a lot of stuff I need to do.
If you're sure.
Yeah, I'll be fine. Don't worry
about it.
You know that I know you're full
of crap right now, right? We've
been friends for forever. I know
when you're lying.


I like the lie so much better,
Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
Try to think happy thoughts like
finding an alternate energy source
that replaces gasoline efficiently
and making out.
I'll try.
By the way, Chili. You should
stop staring at your phone and do
something productive.
Yes, mom.
I guess I'll see you in school on
All right. Love you! Bye.
Colleen and Chelie both hang up. Colleen sighs and stares
at her phone. She quickly pushes buttons. Camera shows
Chelie looking at her phone, which reads, "I knew you were
still staring at your phone."
She's good.


Colleen walks into her AP Chemistry classroom and sits down
at her lab table next to Adam.
Good morning, sunshine.
Colleen makes a weird noise as her head droops down.
                       ADAM (Cont'd)
Or the scary swamp creature from
the black lagoon.
It's so early. Why does school
always have to start so early?
It's all part of the big
conspiracy set up by the public
school system to ruin our lives.
You see, they brainwash us into
thinking only be taking AP classes
with ridiculous amounts of
homework can we get into a decent
college. Yet, Ivy Leagues won't
take us anyway because we have no
alumni connections. Either way,
we're doomed to have enormous
student loans during a time of
economic crisis.
Oh, right. I should have known.
Yep. That was rather obvious, but
I'll let it slide because the
sun's not even out yet.
That's so nice of you.
What can I say? I'm a giver.


Oh, sure. Thank you, post-midlife
crisis Ebenezar.
I'm guessing that was a Dickens
God bless us.
Colleen sees Tim and Rachel at the doorway saying goodbye
rather affectionately with their tongues.
                       COLLEEN (Cont'd)
Almost everyone.
Bell rings. Mr. Hammond clears his throat at the front of
the room. He holds up a stack of papers.
                       MR. HAMMOND
Okay, class. Test results from
yesterday. Some of you will be
pleased, and some of you obviously
don't seem to care anyway.
He walks to where Adam and Colleen are sitting and hands
them they're papers.
                       MR. HAMMOND (Cont'd)
Mitchell, Hayes, nice work.
Colleen looks down at her paper and allows herself a brief
smile. Tim comes running towards her and hugs her fiercely.
81! I got an 81!
      (hugging her again)
Oh, Mitchell, you're a miracle
Really? She's Jesus?
      (sending Adam a
       warning look)
That's great, Tim. Really great.
I knew you'd do well.


Yeah, great. Now I might actually
pass this class.
Again, Tim, that's...
I was going to go with fantastic.
You know, switch things up a bit.
A bit of a change.
So, Mitchell. What'd you get?
      (trying to be
       modest, though
       she is secretly
       very pleased with
A 98.
Yes, really.
No reason. It's just you usually
do better than me.
What did you get on it?
Adam slides her his test. Colleen flips it over hastily. It
reads "99."


You beat me. No one's ever beaten
me on a chem test before.
You were bound to slip one day,
Colleen. Even Napoleon screwed up
and went for Russia.
You're enjoying this too much.
Yeah, a little. It's not that big
of a deal.
Dude, you beat Mitchell. You must
have studied your ass off.
Thankfully, my ass remains intact.
It's probably just luck. She can
be quite intimidating when she
wants to be.
Yeah. For someone as short as a
fourth grader.
I am not that short!
                       ADAM (and TIM)
Yes, you are.
They look at each other awkwardly.
Actually, I was referring to her
wit. Sometimes, it's hard to keep
up with all those comebacks.
I gave up years ago.
I think I'll keep trying. It's a
good mental challenge.


Will you two stop talking about me
in front of me?
Sorry, Mitchell.
                       MR. HAMMOND
Mr. Matheson, why aren't you in
your assigned seat?
Ahh, busted. Better go. Hammond's
giving me the look. See ya later,
Bye, Tim.
They both watch Tim walk back to his lab table. Once he is
out of earshot, Adam turns to Colleen.
There's an elephant prancing
around us in a tutu, which is not
an easy feat.
I imagine it would be with those
Kay, Helga G. Pitaki. This is the
part when you punch me in the face
for knowing your deep, dark
I'll let it slide this time. It's
not everyday someone beats me
academically. Maybe your brains
aren't worth scrambling.
Why thank you.
      (subtly mocking


                       ADAM (cont'd)
So you've really never been beaten
you on a test before, huh,
Don't get too cocky, Hayes. I'll
crush you on the next one.
It's Adam.
Well, it's Colleen.
Let's keep it that way.
                       MR. HAMMOND
Okay, class. Now that we've
finished Chapter Thirteen, we're
going to start working with
chemical kinetics. You see, when
find the rate law of the reactants
of a chemical reaction, you
Mr. Hammond continues to lecture about science with a dull
monotone as he reads off of the powerpoint. Most of the
students are either sleeping or sleeping with their eyes
open. Adam scoots closer to Colleen.
God, this is boring. How can you
possibly be taking notes?
I read every word of William
Bradord's "Of Plymouth
Plantation." I am immune to
I must lack your superhuman powers
then, SpideyGirl. Do you wear the
spandex and everything?
      (fighting a smile)
Shh. Pay attention.


Ahh, when will the incessant
droning end?
It never does. You'll be forced
to stay in chem class forever.
It's your special hell.
Then can't we just ignore him and
hope he goes away?
As tempting as that sounds, you're
going to need to know this if you
want to beat me on the next test.
I think I'd rather lose.
Turning pink, Colleen looks down with a smile. She and Adam
continue to converse quietly. Camera shows Tim watching
them with an odd look on his face. He catches Colleen's
attention before she turns back to Adam.
Chelie sees school newspaper with picture of Kyle on the
cover wearing a peacoat, scarf, and messenger bag.
No self-respecting heterosexual
male would wear a scarf with a
messenger bag. Especially in a
She rips the paper into little pieces angrily. Cut to
Chelie walking in the hair care aisle at grocery store as
she passes redhead products with an angry look on her face.
She begins to knock them off the shelf.
Stupid hair.
Cut to Chelie walking down a hallway in school She sees the
halls lined with posters with a cheesy picture of Kyle on
them announcing his comedy performance at a local theater.
She rips one down and notices the others.


He's everywhere.
She starts running down the hallway. Cut to Chelie back in
the grocery store. A security guard is there looking at her
and the hair products on the floor with a stern glare.
                       SECURITY GUARD
      (tapping Chelie
       lightly on the
Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am.
      (he grows
       frustrated as she
       does not appear
       to hear him)
Ma'am! I'm going to need you to
put these back on the shelf.
Cut to Chelie walking in the mall as a group of ginger
models walk by her. Chelie sees a sign that reads
"Redheaded Fashion Day."
Ginger Day?
One redheaded boy walks by with a messenger bag, and Chelie
really starts to freak out. Cut to Chelie ripping up the
newspaper again and jumping on top of the scattered pieces.
Take that, Captain Firecrotch.
Cut back to Chelie at the grocery store putting the hair
products back onto the shelves grudgingly as she mutters
under her breath. Cut to Kyle walking down the hallway at
the high school and giving Chelie a headnod and signature
gesture. She waves and smiles, and as soon as she passes
him, she stops waving and gaves him the middle finger.
Colleen, sitting in the band room, plays her flute along
with the rest of the band. Suddenly, her cell phone
vibrates in her pocket. Colleen stops playing.
My pants are vibrating.


She puts down her flute and checks her phone, which reads,
"Meet me in the bathroom by the gym." Colleen sighs and
raises her hand.
Colleen enters the bathroom angrily. Chelie waits for her
You know, you can't just pull me
out of class. I have drum major
tryouts coming up and I'm already
worried that it's not going to get
it and I really need to do
everything I can to prove that I
can be---
      (pointing to the
Colleen, I can't stop thinking
about Kyle. Every time I turn
around he's there. It's like a
freaking montage on a bad sketch
comedy show. His comedy poster
was on my bathroom stall. Captain
Firecrotch was staring at my as I
was trying to pee!
      (laughing coldly)
Seriously? You pulled me out of
class for a poster?
Colleen, what---
Chelie, you can't just pull me out
of class whenever you feel like
it. I have school to worry about.
I have college applications and
car payments and I need to find a
job and my parents are always on
my back about my future. I can't
waste my time talking to you about
Kyle all the time. God, Chelie.
He doesn't even like you. He's
rejected you at least eighteen
times. There's probably even a
nineteenth time you don't even


                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
know about!
And you're so much better? At
least I have the courage to
actually tell Kyle I like him. You
just sit around wishing and hoping
that Tim will confess his his love
to you one day. It's not gonna
And what has your bravery done for
you? You wanna know the reason
why no guys take you seriously,
Chelie? It's because you always
feel the need to be as blunt and
as perverted as you possibly can.
No guy wants to hear a girl talk
about sex. You scare them away.
Well, you are too afraid to
actually be in a relationship.
That's why you've liked Tim for so
long. It's because he's safe, and
you know he'll never like you.
You're setting yourself up for
I don't need this.
Go back to band.
I will.
Colleen turns around and storms out of the bathroom. She
slams the door behind her. Chelie kicks the bathroom stall
angrily, and it swings to show Kyle's face. Chelie sighs,
and KATIE comes out of a stall awkwardly.
The door to the bathroom opens and KATIE walks in. She
hears Chelie and Colleen talking and looks a little shocked.
Umm, were you just fighting in a


Is that uncommon?
I guess.
You're Katie Delaney, right?
You're dating Neil.
Yeah. Neil told me about you and
Colleen. I imagined our first
meeting would have gone
differently. For starters, I
wouldn't have been peeing.
Yeah. Sorry about the yelling.
It's okay. I'm in a bad mood too.
I just got my period. It sucks
to be sitting in math class and
then realize you have blood
rushing out of your vagina.
Ouch, yeah. Major bummer.
      (fishing through
       her purse)
On the plus side, I found these
really super-absorbent tampons.
The bell rings.
Okay, well, I'll see you later.
Yeah, see ya.


Colleen and Chelie walk into Heater's film class and throw
their books down on the desks. Spotting Neil, they walk over
So Neil, we finally met your
Yeah, she was really nice too. I
thought because you were hiding
her from us she was going to be
really weird.
Or like the Jonas Brothers or
something as equally heinous.
Ouch, that would be bad. But, as
it turns out, Katie is really kind
of cool.
It's a shame really.
The girls break out into laughter.
What's so funny?
Nothing. Just doesn't look like
you're getting any action tonight.
What the hell are you talking
Well, uh, anatomically speaking,
there's something hindering
anything from going on between the
two of you right now.
Probably feels nicer than anything
Neil could do.


Does not! Wait. What are you
guys talking about?
Gross, you know, I just ate lunch,
and the toasted cheesesticks are
my favorite.
You never know, they might taste
just as good coming up as they did
going down.
I know I'm your resident somewhat
effeminate male friend, but that
does not mean I want to hear you
guys talk about girl stuff. Chicks
always go on and on about their
problems. Boys have them, too,
you know!
I dream of a world in which guys
just bow down and realize that
girls have it so much harder than
they do. Maybe that's what
heavens's like. You know, with
cupcakes, too.
Dream on, Cleeny Bear. Name one
reason why girls have it harder
than guys.
Well, I think we already mentioned
the whole bleeding out of your
vagina thing every fucking month!
Plus the cramps, bloating,
headaches...that go along with it.
Don't forget the bitchiness.


      (hitting him)
Shut up.
Well, guys get boners. And
sometimes it can really be
embarassing or painful...
      (interrupting Neil)
Oh, boo-hoo. My dick gets hard
when I'm not expecting it. Woe is
We get kicked in the balls! Have
you ever been kicked in the balls?
No. You will never know what that
deep of a pain feels like.
I'm sure it hurts and everything
Neil, but we have babies.
      (Making hand
We have to squeeze something this
big through something this big.
Yeah, but Chelie's looks more like
      (appalled, but
       then starts to
Uh, fuck you.
Neil, don't be such a jerk.
Colleen, don't be such a nag.
Both of you don't be such dorks.
Seriously though, Neil, girls have
babies. We win.


All right. That is probably the
worst. But still, guys are always
expected to make the first move.
And pay and everything.
Expectations? You cannot use
expectations as a viable argument.
Yeah. Seriously, Neil. Have you
opened your eyes? There are
advertisements in nearly every
form of media there is telling
girls to be as stepford as they
can be.
Well, you're not expected to have
a perfect six-pack.
And you're not expected to have
perfect everything.
Yeah, well, I have to shave my
face, or, I mean, I will someday.
We have to shave our legs.
Dude, it's my face.
And it's perfectly acceptable if
you don't shave it everyday, but
if I forget to shave my legs
before gym, forget it! Legs trump
She's right.
Jock straps.
Sports bras.


We don't get separate bathroom
It takes forever for us to just
get in the bathroom with the
Damn. What about stereotypes?
Guys who aren't big and strong and
tough are immediately labeled as
pussies. It's hard. I cried once
in the fourth grade, and they're
still giving me crap about it.
Neil, I can't believe you were
stupid enough to pull the
stereotype card when Colleen's
First of all, Neil, women are
constantly being stereotyped. Have
you seen any of the recent movies
that have been made for the women
demographic? They're completely
sexist. While boys can be
involved in thrilling tales that
save the world or defeat the
villian, leading ladies are stuck
shopping or fixing their hair or
gossiping about boys. All of
their movies have such shallow
plot lines. For once I'd like
to see a girl be able to see a
girl save the day. Is that too
much to ask?
      (a little scared)
Okay, Colleen, you win. Being a
girl sucks more. Please, just
don't hurt me.
Chelie and Colleen high-five.
Vagina: 1. Penis: 0. As it
should be.


I'm glad I'm not a girl.
You should be.
Yeah, you're not man enough to be
one anyway.
Everyone's a critic. I'm white,
Christian, and male. I'm not
allowed to have any self-pride at
Tough break, man.
The bell rings, and the students begin to pack up their
things and leave the classroom. Colleen, Chelie, and Neil
grab their books and head towards the door.
By the way, I don't know if she
mentioned it but Katie is having a
party tonight at her house. Her
parents are at some function, or
other, and they were stupid enough
to leave her alone. You guys
should come.
Aww, come on. Please!
I hate parties. All people do is
drink, smoke pot, and grind.
What's so great about that? Ooh,
I'm rubbing my gondads against
In other words, awesome!


C'mon, Colleen. This could be the
perfect thing to get my mind off
Knit a scarf instead.
It's going to be fun! You know
you want to.
There might even be a clown.
I hate clowns.
Colleen and Chelie begin walking up the sidewalk leading up
to Katie's house. Chelie looks excited and Colleen looks as
though she's in pain.
See aren't you happy you decided
to come?


Positively thrilled.
      (ignoring Colleen)
Is this shirt too revealing?
Grudgingly, Colleen rings the doorbell as someone opens the
door to Katie's large house. Colleen and Chelie enter the
threshold as they see the party in full swing.
Liars and tempers and beer. Oh
Oh please stop being so negative.
This is supposed to be fun!
Colleen gives Chelie a faked half smile that looks more like
a grimace. Chelie rolls her eyes and joins the party.
      (taking both of
       their coats)
Hey, guys! Glad you came. Don't
wreck my house, or I'll sue you.
      (whispered to
Is she kidding?
I don't think so.
Thanks, Katie. So where's the


Chelie wanders off and gives Colleen a huge smile as she
pours herself a huge amount of alcohol. Colleen just shakes
her head and walks around looking for Neil. She spots him
and motions for him to come over.
Hey Neil, you better make sure
Chelie doesn't drink too much.
Unless you want her to parade
around the room half-naked singing
"You're So Vain." Believe me, it's
not a pretty sight.
Which half?
The left.
      (looking around)
Some shindig.
Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Hey, I
have to get back to Katie and see
how she's doing, okay?
Sure, yeah. She went that way.
Neil leaves, and Colleen stands alone. She moves over to a
chair and sits down.
I'll just grab a seat over here.
Oh, this is super fun.
Colleen fishes through her purse and pulls out a juice box.
She pokes the straw through the hole and then takes a sip.
Mmm...fruity goodness.
Camera moves to where Chelie is sitting in the other room at
a table with five others. A girl hands her a beer, and
Chelie brings it up to her face appreciatively.
Mmm...frothy goodness.
She takes a sip and makes a face.


God that's gross.
She downs the beer and slams it down onto the table.
      (to a person
       sitting by her)
Can I have another one?
Cuts to Colleen sitting alone as people mingle around her.
      (looking around)
Well, this is fun. Tons. Witness
me having fun.
She sighs and gets up and starts walking around. Cuts back
to Chelie, who now has three beer cans in front of her.
Someone hands her another and she opens it.
Wait, we should toast.
To....to...to el capitan
She raises her drink and then takes a swig. Slamming it
down, she wipes her mouth and turns to stare at the boy next
to her. KERRY notices her gaze and looks at her wearily.
      (pointing at him)
You, you're an asshole.
What? I haven't even done
anything to you.
Doesn't matter. You are a guy, so
you have a dick. And because you
have one, you are one.
That's completely unfair, and it
doesn't even make sense.
It's syllogism, bitch. Life's


Whatever, I'm out of here.
      (in a sing-song
Bye, asshole!
Kerry leaves the table and goes into the other room. As he
does so, the camera shows Colleen going up the stairs. She
climbs up and then looks around.
      (mumbling to
The bathroom is up the stairs and
second door to the right.
      (finding the door)
Aha! Gotcha.
She opens the door and walks in. Inside, Tim and Rachel are
heatedly kissing with Rachel pressed up against the sink.
They hear the noise and break apart. Their breathing is
heavy, and Tim ruffles his hair with a shifty grin.
      (turning red)
Oh, sorry! I didn't think anybody
would be in here. Sorry! I'll
just go and let you guys go back
to do what you were---yeah. Umm,
have fun? Is that the
right---nevermind. See you guys
later. I'll just let myself out.
Colleen leaves the room in a rush and closes the door. She
grimaces and then hears noises coming from the bathroom. She
hurries down the stairs and bumps into Adam.
Woah, what's the rush? There's
still enough fossil fuel for a
little while longer.
Trust me, Adam. If you'd just
seen what I just saw, you'd be in
a hurry too.
What? Did you spot someone who's
actually capable of having an
intelligent conversation at this


                       ADAM (cont'd)
Nope, just Tim and Rachel getting
hot and heavy in the bathroom
Oh my God, Colleen. I'm so sorry!
Are you okay?
Yeah, actually, I'm fine. That's
why it's so surprising. I should
be heartbroken, but when I saw
them, apart from being slightly
nauseated, because eww, it's not
even their bathroom, I didn't feel
a thing.
That's good then! Sleeping
Beauty finally awoken from her
I guess it is good. I didn't even
need to be kissed, or anything.
Yeah, you dodged a bullet there.
      (pausing awkwardly)
Hey, do you wanna get out of here?
Apparently if you're not drinking
you actually realize how lame
these parties really are.
Okay, yeah, I know a place we can
go. I just need to talk to Chelie
first. Damn! I need my coat. I
think someone put it upstairs.
      (eyeing the stairs)
And there's the gag reflex again.
Okay, I'll go get it for you, and
you can go find, Chelie, okay?
Yeah, thanks, Adam.


      (kissing her on
       the cheek)
Meet you down here in a few.
Giddy, Colleen walks away as Adam heads to the stairs. She
finds Chelie at the table and rushes towards her.
Colleen! I love you! You're my
best friend!
      (to others at the
She's my best friend!
      (to Colleen)
I love you!
You said that already.
Say it back.
I love you too, Chelie.
      (looking at her)
Hey, you look funny. Did
something happen?
Besides you getting very drunk?
      (turning serious)
I realized that I don't care about
Tim anymore. I just...don't.
Me too. Tim sucks.
Listen, Chelie. I'm gonna leave
the party for a little while, but
I'll be back to come get you. Are
you gonna be okay by yourself?
Me? Pff? I'm fine. I'm in


Sure, you are.
I am!
Kerry walks by, and Chelie points to him.
                       CHELIE (CONT'D)
That guy's an asshole.
Oh, Chelie.
Adam enters with Colleen's coat in hand.
Ready, Colleen?
      (to Adam)
Almost. Give me a sec.
      (to Chelie)
Chelie, Adam and I will be gone
for two hours at most.
Adam? You're leaving with Adam?
Nice. In case it comes up, make
sure that you spit, don't swallow.
It's much better that way.
Embarassed, Colleen looks down and then sneaks a peak at
Adam, who is pretending he didn't hear but smirking
When you're sober, I'm so going to
kick your ass for that.
No, you won't.
You're right, I probably won't.
But, seriously, Chelie. Be smart
while I'm gone.
Colleen grabs Chelie's face and kisses her forehead.


And be safe. I don't want to end
up with a Bristol Palin situation
on my hands. It might cost me the
White House.
Colleen starts to walk away.
Abstinence isn't 100 percent. Ask
Colleen waves over her shoulder as she and Adam exit the
house. Chelie watches them leave and walks into another
room to look around. She spots Katie and Neil kissing on a
couch and marches towards them.
Katie! Thanks so much for having
me over for your party! I mean, I
really needed all of this.
Neil and Katie break apart reluctantly as they listen to
                       CHELIE (CONT'D)
You know, when life just really
sucks and you need to get away
from all of it? That's this
party. So, just thank you, Katie.
You're going to be a really great
friend. Neil, you suck, though,
for hiding her from me and
Colleen. Why'd you do that, Neil?
Do we embarrass you?
No, Chelie, you don't. We can
talk about this later, but right
now Katie and I are kinda busy
here. Go away!
Neil goes back to kissing Katie, but Chelie forces his head
back by pushing on his forehead.
Down, boy. She has her period


Neil gives Katie a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving as
he mutters to himself.
I'm sorry. Now I feel bad for
ruining that.
It's okay.
No, it's not okay. I keep fucking
this relationship crap up. First
with Kyle and now with you and
Neil. I ruin everything. I just
want to be happy like you guys are
together. You're just really
cute. I could watch you kiss all
Umm...that's weird.
No, I mean you're just really cute
as in you plural, not you, Katie.
Not that you're not really pretty!
I think you're cute, but just not
in a sex way. I'm sorry.
Kyle sneaks up behind Chelie.
                       CHELIE (CONT'D)
I'm not trying to be a lesbian. I
like penises.
Well, that's good to know.
Chelie turns to stare at him and then looks back at Katie.
Can you see him too, or is all the
alcohol messing with my head?


Beer tends to do that. But in
this case, he's there.
      (to Kyle)
What are you doing here?
I'm here for the party, of course.
I'll let you guys talk.
Katie leaves.
No! Wait!
      (to Kyle)
Me. You look...
Unbelieveably sexy?
No! I'm really not! Just a
teensy bit tipsy!
Okay. Let's get you way from the
Colleen and Adam walk towards the playground.
So. Here we are.
God, I remember this place. My
mom used to take me here when I
was little. I haven't been here


                       ADAM (cont'd)
in years. I'm surprised it's
still standing.
Rusty and worn, but still
standing. I think the town was
going to tear it down a few years
ago, but they never got the right
They walk over to the swings and sit down.
Good. I miss swings. Ever since
video games and faster internet
connections came out, I never just
go outside anymore.
Exactly! That's why I like coming
here so much. Something about it
helps me think. Maybe it's the
There is something very
aromapeutic about swings. I bet
if we could just get some world
leaders to sit on some, we could
solve all of this Jerusalem
And genocide in Africa!
Yep, all they need is a good
I'll send them an email.
Good. So, Socrates, as Plato, I
think you should teach me some of
your musings.


Yes, as your first pupil, I
understand if you want to ease
into things.
Who says you're the first?
Oh, you come here with someone
Oh, Chelie! That's good.
Mmmhm. I'd say so. She is my
best friend.
A lot of people have best friends.
Not like Chelie. She's special.
Yeah, I've noticed. I guess she'd
have to be. To put up with you
all the time.
Chelie is the most real person
I've ever known. You can't choose
your family, but if you could,
she'd be mine. We met in
preschool when we both point-blank
refused to play dolls with the
other girls because there were no
brunette Barbies.


That sounds like you.
Chelie and Kyle walk through Katie's empty basement as they
head towards a couch.
So, I'm thinking about starting a
philosophy club at school. You
should come.
Cum. You said cum.
I'm sorry. What would you do?
Chelie suppresses a laugh as Kyle examines her. He shrugs.
I don't know.
Discuss issues, religion,
government, purpose. Musings on
Emerson and Throeau.
      (sits on the couch
       and folds his
       arms across his
I'm a Thoreau man, myself.
Eww. Living on a pond? Pff.
Emerson is way better.
      (pauses and looks
       at her)
We can agree to disagree.
You are so pompous.
      (laughing to
Don't think that. Come over here.


                       KYLE (cont'd)
I'm not such a bad guy.
He grabs Chelie's arm and she stumbles onto the couch next
to him.
Where's Liz?
Not here, obviously.
I'm drunk, not stupid.
Things just didn't work out. She
didn't seem to understand me.
Don't worry about it.
      (putting his arm
       around couch)
Hey, let's play a game.
Why? I don't want to.
Isn't that what we're doing now?
Playing a game.
Kyle stares at Chlie, who is speechless.
                       KYLE (Cont'd)
      (moving towards
I think I know how to make this
more exciting.
Yeah, I'll show you.
      (wrapping his hand
       around her neck)
Don't worry.


      (close to his face)
Your hair is so pretty.
Colleen and Adam are mid-way through conversation. They
seem more comfortable and carefree than before. Adam is
holding his iPod defensively.
I can't believe you just said
What? It's true.
Looking at someone's iPod is not
an invasion of privacy!
The music a person listens to is a
very personal matter.
Why, Adam! ARe you embarassed?
What do you have on there, country
I'm a geek, not deaf.
I find geeks attractive.
      (sticking out her
Hand it over.
      (sighing in defeat)
He grudgingly hands her the iPod. There fingers linger for
a second too long before Colleen peruses it greedily.
                       ADAM (cont'd)
Persuasive girl.


Colleen smiles to herself as she examines his iPod.
Suddenly, she looks up with a huge grin plastered to her
You like showtunes?
Yeah. Uh, my mom's really into
theatre. It's not a big deal.
Sure, your mom.
Some musicals are actually really
manly. Like Sweeney Todd.
Is that why it's in your Top 25
She turns towards him, and their knees touch.
Umm, well.
I like musicals too. We actually
have a similar taste in music. You
didn't need to freak out so much,
though, it is nice to see you
flustered for once.
You seem to have that effect on
      (leaning closer)
We should go back to the party.
It's getting kinda late. I didn't


                       COLLEEN (cont'd)
realize we'd been talking for so
Yeah. Okay.
Kyle is pressing Chelie against the couch as they kiss
heatedly. His hands are under her shirt, and hers are on
his thighs.
You're quiet tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, ow, ow. You're on my leg.
Hang on. Give me a second.
I miss this.
Colleen and Adam steal glances at each other as they walk on
the sidewalk. Adam opens the door for her.
Still kissing, Kyle guides Chelie's hands towards his
crotch. She moves them away.
Come on.
Chelie moves her hands to his inner thigh, and they
eventually break apart.


Umm, can I have a blowjob?
Chelie stares at him blankly.
                       KYLE (cont'd)
Well, would you?
      (in realization)
That's it, isn't i? You don't
No! No, I do!
Stop it. Leave me alone.
      (grabbing her hand)
You don't know what you're saying.
You're really drunk.
Chelie jerks away from him and heads towards the stairs.
I'm done. I'm leaving.
Chelie reaches the stairs, but Kyle grabs her arm again.
Chelie, don't do this.
Let go of me!
Chelie yanks her arm away and runs up the stairs. Kyle
follows her.
Colleen and Adam walk up to Katie's house.
Colleen and Adam enter the house as Chelie, clearly upset,
runs up the stairs. Colleen rushes towards her.
Chelie! Chelie, what happened?


Kyle. I need to go.
Kyle storms up the stairs. Close-up of Chelie's pained
                       KYLE (O.S.)
Chelie! Wait!
Chelie looks back in panic. Colleen wraps her arm around
Chelie and sends Kyle a deathly glare.
I can't.
I've got it.
Colleen, I can take Chelie
Thanks, Adam. I won't be long.
She hands Adam her keys, and he leaves with Chelie. Colleen
approaches Kyle.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Well, i suppose---
Nevermind. I'm not interested,
nor do I have the time. I don't
care what was going through your
head. I don't care if she seemed
willing. You should know better.
People should know better.
I am a person.
Then prove it. Leave her alone
because I do not plan on having
this conversation again. No more
texting, no more locker visits, no
more anything. Leave her alone.


Jesus Christ.
Is our savior. Now get the fuck
away from me.
Kyle walks away kind of pissed. Tim and Rachel enter yelling
at each other. Colleen watches them awkwardly.
I can't believe you're still
talking to him. I thought you said
you two were done.
We're just friends now. Why are
you making such a big deal out of
Because I don't want you talking
to your ex-boyfriend!
We were just talking!
Well, you can talk to me.
I'm so sick of this. I can't
stand fighting with you anymore.
It's all we ever do besides making
She rolls her eyes and walks away. Colleen walks up to Tim.
I'm so sorry, Tim.
Thanks, Mitchell.
They hug, and Tim draws back a little to look at her before
kissing her. Camera follows Adam as he walks into the house
and sees them. Pained, he shuts the door and goes back
outside. Colleen pushes Tim away.


Tim? What are you doing?
I don't know. I just thought---
Tim, go home and sober up. If you
need to talk later, I'll be your
Thanks, I'm sorry.
See you in chem.
She leaves and walks towards her car. Adam is angry and
Colleen looks confused when she sees his face. Chelie is
still distraught in the passenger seat.
      (no inflection)
Chelie's in the car.
All right. Thanks so much. For
Adam begins walking away, trying to control his anger. He
then turns around slowly.
Hope everything works out with
your prince. Guess you did get
your kiss anyway.
Colleen bangs her head against the car door. Chelie moans
and Colleen looks at her nuturingly.
Let's get you home.
Chelie throws up into the toilet as Colleen holds back her
hair and rubs her back. She stops and hugs the toilet.
I'm sorry.


Me too. Are you gonna puke again?
Nuh. I'm better now.
Good, because that was really
Tim kissed me.
In front of Adam. And his tongue
was really dry.
That's gross.
Colleen and Adam sit at their lab table together. She tries
to get his attention, but he ignores her.
                       MR. HAMMOND (V.O.)
Today, we are going to talk about
Le Chatlier's Principle. It
states that a solution that is
Chelie, Colleen, and Neil sit silently in Film Appreciation
and watch the movie miserably.
                       MR. HAMMOND (V.O. cont'd)
will work to correct itself.
Concentration, volume, temperature
changes: these all can be fixed.
Chelie sits at her computer and deletes her Facebook.
                       MR. HAMMOND (V.O. cont'd)
The system will shift in order to
accomadate these changes. It will
either affect the reactants or the


Shows Mr. Hammond from Colleen and Adam's perspective behind
their table. He is still not looking at her.
                       MR. HAMMOND (cont'd)
It's truly fascinating how nature
works to correct itself. It's
always seeking equilibrium. It
always wants balance.
The bell rings.
I gotta go.


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From John Thompson Date 4/18/2009 ****
This isn't a bad script I don't know why it wasn't rated yet.Well here's your first rating

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