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The Rain - Episode 1: Boob-ranking
by Adam Green (adamford71@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Danny Gretz is a failed writer and alcoholic in his late 20s. He lives in Seattle with Paul (a slick pretty-boy who spends most of his time devising schemes to get women naked) and his somewhat neurotic best friend James Wilson, who is painfully in love with their hot friend Samantha. As Danny tries to get his career on track he must also deal with the problems of those around him whilst simultaneously controlling and concealing his own. In order to do this Danny must find a balance between saying what he really wants to say and saying what he thinks others want to hear.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



THE RAIN - EPISODE 1: BOOB-RANKING

FADE IN:

INT. AA MEETING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
We open on the podium at the front of the room.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Okay, you can do this. You don't
care what these people think,
they're morons. Okay here we go.
                                                            
DANNY comes into the shot behind the podium and now has to
address a room full of alcoholics. MALCOLM, the fat, hairy,
group leader sits next to the podium for support.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Hello I'm Daniel Gretz and I'm an
alcoholic.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Hello I'm Daniel Gretz and I'm an
alcoholic.
                                                            
The camera slowly zooms out as Danny says his piece.
                                                            
                       GROUP
Hello Daniel.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I've been sober for about 8 hours.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I've been sober for 8 weeks.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
And I'm quite sure that I'm
clinically depressed.
                                                            
                       DANNY
And I feel...really good. This is
actually my first time speaking to
the group.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
And I have to say I think you're
all stupefied mongrels and I hate
you.
                                                            

2.

                       DANNY
And I'd just like to thank all of
you for the support you've given
me.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
      (turns to Malcolm)
Malcolm, you're about the biggest
waste of space I've ever seen.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I'd like to thank you especially,
Malcolm. You've been very helpful.
(pause)
Anyway, I guess I should tell you
a little about myself.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I've lived in this shit-hole all
my life.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I've lived in Seattle all my life.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
And I can't get a writing deal
'cause I suck.
                                                            
                       DANNY
And I'm unemployed.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I have so little prospects that I
can't get a girlfriend and every
potential candidate ends up being
my 'good friend'.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Err..I'm single.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
But at least I have two loser
room-mates who by telling me their
own bullshit problems manage to
distract me from my own.
                                                            
                       DANNY
But I'm lucky enough to have two
of my best friends around to share
my life with.
                                                            

3.

                       DANNY (V.O)
Who, I might add, have no idea
about my alcohol problem.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Who have each shown me great
support as I try to deal with this
terrible problem.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
In fact, I don't even have a
problem.
                                                            
                       DANNY
And it is a problem. I know that
now.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I don't drink that much.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I don't know why I drink so much.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I only drink because I like it.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I think it dates back to when my
dad walked out on me and my mom
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
God he was a dick.
                                                            
                       DANNY
He was a dick.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
But I didn't care when he left. It
was my gold-digging mother that
bothered me. But even that paid
dividends when she died. Who's got
Leonard's money now, you miserable
hag?
                                                            
                       DANNY
I think I really missed a father
figure in my life. And I know now
that I drink to fill that hole
inside of me, and that's what I
came here to figure out.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
You gullable idiots.
                                                            

4.

                       DANNY
Thank you for listening.
                                                            
The group applaud and Danny steps down from the podium. He
is met my Malcolm.
                                                            
                       MALCOLM
Daniel. Way to go, man. That
was...
                                                            
Malcolm thumps his chest twice.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Well put, Hemingway.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Thanks, man.
                                                            
                       MALCOLM
Be seated, brother.
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (disguising anger)
Okay, brother.
                                                            
Danny takes a seat while Malcolm takes the podium.
                                                            
                       MALCOLM
      (to group)
Good sharing there. Good sharing.
Let us thank Daniel for his
contribution today.
                                                            
                       GROUP
Thank you, Daniel.
                                                            
                       MALCOLM
Brothers and sisters. Our hour has
come to an end. But our struggles
have not. I bid you farewell and
good luck. And remember, the more
you drink, the deeper you sink.
                                                            
Danny cringes disgustedly at that closing line but checks
himself as the other members file past him to give
congratulatory pats on the shoulder. Danny thinks they've
all gone so gets up to leave when he is surprised by LARRY,
his sinister, fascistic sponsor.
                                                            
                       LARRY
Hello, Daniel.
                                                            

5.

                       DANNY
      (startled)
Jesus Christ, Larry! Why do you
always do that?
                                                            
                       LARRY
I have something you might want to
see, Daniel.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Do you have to say my name at the
end of every sentence?
                                                            
                       LARRY
      (ignoring the
       question)
This way, Daniel.
                                                            
Larry leads Danny to the corner of the room.
                                                            
                       DANNY
What the hell do you want,
Bergstein?
                                                            
Larry hands Danny a brown envelope. Danny opens the envelope
to reveal some noir-style photos showing him in a bar
drinking a Budweiser with a shifty look on his face.
                                                            
                       LARRY
That is you is it not, Daniel?
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (indifferent)
Yeah, that's me.
                                                            
                       LARRY
Eight weeks huh?
                                                            
                       DANNY
You took these?
                                                            
                       LARRY
Yes, I did, Daniel. One might say
I have a passion for photography.
                                                            
Danny comes across a photo of a half naked woman in her
bedroom window, flipping off the camera.
                                                            
                       DANNY
What's this one?
                                                            
Larry snatches the photo off him.
                                                            

6.

                       LARRY
That one does not concern you.
                                                            
                       DANNY
She's the one who looks concerned.
                                                            
                       LARRY
I am not the one being exposed
here, Daniel.
                                                            
                       DANNY
She looks pretty exposed too.
                                                            
                       LARRY
Silence! You've been caught
red-handed and you know it.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Go to hell, Liebowitz.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Go to hell, Liebowitz.
                                                            
                       LARRY
Is that a Jewish joke or a
photographer joke?
                                                            
                       DANNY
Both.
                                                            
Danny walks off with the photos.
                                                            
 
INT. THE APARTMENT - DINING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
The dining room is small, with a light-coloured wooden table
in the centre. It adjoins with the kitchen via an opening in
the consequently obsolete wall.

JAMES and PAUL sit at the table with their shirts off.
They're playing strip poker. Danny enters and goes straight
to the kitchen.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Hey guys.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Gretzter. We didn't hear you come
in.
                                                            
Danny gets a bottle of beer out of the refrigerator. He
comes back to the dining room to notice that James and Paul
are shirtless.
                                                            

7.

                       DANNY
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       PAUL
We're playing strip poker.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Aren't you forgetting something?
                                                            
                       PAUL
What?
                                                            
                       DANNY
The women, Paul.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Ahh, all part of the plan my
friend.
                                                            
Danny and James look at each other.
                                                            
                       DANNY
James. Do I wanna know what the
plan is?
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (holding up hands)
It's your call. I can't make it
for you.
                                                            
Danny turns back to Paul.
                                                            
                       DANNY
What's the plan, Paul?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Alright. Samantha's coming over
soon, and we figured if we just
asked her to play strip poker then
she might think we just wanna get
a peek at her stuff and say no
right? But, if we're already
playing when she gets here then
she'll think: one, it can't just
be about seeing her naked 'cause
we're playing without her; and
two, she'll think, because we've
already got our shirts off, that
she has an advantage in the game.
Therefore, she will be less
reluctant to play.
                                                            
James nods at Danny. "There you have it".
                                                            

8.

                       DANNY (V.O)
It's genius.
                                                            
                       DANNY
It's stupid.
                                                            
                       PAUL
We'll see my friend. We'll see
who's stupid when I'm looking at
the third best set of breasts I've
ever seen over a bra.
                                                            
                       DANNY
But you don't have to actually
play the game. You could just sit
there with the cards and take your
shirts off when you hear her come
in.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Thank you.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Nah, too risky. If we didn't hear
you come in who's to say we'll
hear Samantha coming in? Plus it
has to be authentic.
                                                            
Danny shakes his head and takes a sip of his beer.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Where have you been for the last
hour anyway?
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I've been getting blackmailed by a
fascist pervert.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I had some errands to run. Good
luck with your plan.
                                                            
Danny opens the door.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Sure you don't wanna play? I'm
telling you man, third prize.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Nah, I think I'll try and do some
writing.
                                                            

9.

                       PAUL
Alright, but you're missing out.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Later.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Cya.
                                                            
Danny exits.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You really have a ranking of
breasts?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Well, top 5. You don't?
                                                            
                       JAMES
No.
(pause)
Okay, yeah. But, Samantha's only
your number three?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Yeah. It's a fair position.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hmm, if you say so.
                                                            
                       PAUL
      (with look of
       suspicion)
What does that mean?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Nothing.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Oh my god she's your number one
isn't she.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (defensive)
No she isn't.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Alight, who's your number one
then?
                                                            
There's a short silence.
                                                            

10.

                       JAMES
Alright, so she's my number one
pair of breasts, what does that
even mean?
                                                            
                       PAUL
It means you have to make a move.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Woah! Woah! What?!
                                                            
                       PAUL
They're the rules, man.
                                                            
                       JAMES
What? Since when are there rules
to boob-rankings?
                                                            
                       PAUL
James, since the very beginning of
boob-ranking there have been two
fundamental rules: first, your
girlfriend is always number one
and if not then you make a move.
                                                            
                       JAMES
That's bullshit. I can't make a
move on-
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA (O.S)
Hi, guys.
                                                            
The two guys sharply turn their heads to the door in unison.

SAMANTHA stands in the doorway. The camera slowly PANS from
her high-heel shoes all the way up her body. She is wearing
dark jeans and a tight, white tank top that accentuates her
'third place' breasts. Her long, straight hair is
highlighted blond. Needless to say, she is hot.

The camera goes back to James and Paul.
                                                            
                       PAUL
      (to James)
I told you we wouldn't hear her.
                                                            
 
INT. DANNY'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Danny sits at his desk staring at his computer screen. After
a while he starts to type something but soon stops.
                                                            

11.

INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN
                                                            
The document reads: "fnoiueh porgihawe paoufhlqeun"
                                                            
BACK TO DANNY
                                                            
Danny drinks the last of his beer.
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (to himself)
I need a cigarette
                                                            
Danny exits.
                                                            
 
INT. DINING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
James, Paul and Samantha are now all in their underwear.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Sorry, Samantha, you gotta do it,
you lost the hand. It's either bra
or panties.
                                                            
Danny enters.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Hello, Danny Boy.
                                                            
                       DANNY
It worked.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
What worked?
                                                            
                       DANNY
Nothing. Hey, James, have you seen
my smokes? I can't find 'em.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I don't know, try your cupboard.
                                                            
Danny goes to the kitchen to hunt down his smokes.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Hit another brick wall, Danny Boy?
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (opening cupboards)
I am the damn wall, and stop
calling me Danny Boy will you. Ah!
Gotya you little bastards.
                                                            

12.

He lights a cigarette then puts the pack back in the
cupboard. He sighs with pleasant relief. He goes to get
another beer out of the fridge and makes his way to the
dining room table.
                                                            
                       PAUL
So what's it gonna be, Samantha?
Bra or panties?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
I'm not taking off my bra.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Panties it is.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
No!
                                                            
                       PAUL
Well, Bra then. It's gotta be
something, you lost the hand.
Fair's fair.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Only if you two take off your
shorts.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Woah! No way.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Nu uh. First of all, we didn't
lose the hand. And second of all,
tits for dick is not a fair
exchange.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Yes it is.
                                                            
                       PAUL
'Fraid not. The penis is genitalia
and therefore can only be
exchanged with genitalia, i.e, the
vagina.
                                                            
James and Danny nod in unison.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
But that's not fair, men don't
have breasts to exchange.
                                                            

13.

                       PAUL
Well, you see, breasts cannot be
exchanged. Generally speaking
they're a gift, for men as well as
women. But in this instance,
they're a forfeit. You have to
show 'em, it's the rules.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Hmmm.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Danny. You're the voice of reason.
What do you think?
                                                            
Danny looks at all three of them, cornered.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Show me your breasts, please show
me your breasts.
                                                            
Short pause.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Err...I'm on the fence.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (to Paul)
You just wanna see her boobs.
                                                            
                       PAUL
You're the one who wants to see
her boobs, not me.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I don't wanna see her boobs. Why
would I wanna see her boobs?
                                                            
Samantha raises her eyebrows at James.
                                                            
                       JAMES
No. No, that's not what I...that
came out wrong...I...I...love your
boobs.
                                                            
Quite conspicuously, Danny and Paul retreat from the
conversation. Leaving James deserted in his backpedalling.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You know, it's not that I wouldn't
want to see them ever, just not
right now. I mean...err...I don't
feel like it at present.
                                                            

14.

Samantha still isn't convinced.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Look, I like your breasts, okay?
They're nice. In fact, they're
number one in my boob-ranking.
                                                            
Paul cringes, knowing James has just dropped a bombshell.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Boob-ranking huh?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Rule number three: do not tell
women about boob-ranking.
                                                            
                       JAMES
What? I said you're number one.
You're only number three on Paul's
list.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Rule number four: do not tell
women about other men's
boob-ranking.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Oh come on, it doesn't mean
anything it's just a stupid list
                                                            
                       PAUL
Rule number five: Do not undermine
the significance of boob-ranking
simply in order to backpedal.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (to Paul)
Okay, now you're just makin' them
up to fit the situation.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
No, no. Go on, Paul, what are the
other rules to boob-ranking?
                                                            
                       PAUL
      (slightly
       embarrassed)
Err...well..rule number six: no
celebrities and rule number seven:
strictly overbra.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Overbra.
                                                            

15.

                       PAUL
Yeah. Underbra excludes the
possibility of comparison between
rankings as different men will
have seen different boobs.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
I see.
                                                            
                       JAMES
But rule number one is that your
girlfriend has to be top. You
know, so that's...nice.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
And rule number two?
                                                            
Paul and James just look at each other.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Er...there is no number two.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Awww, don't be shy. Danny?
                                                            
Danny isn't really paying attention.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Oh, sorry?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Do you know what rule number two
is?
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
In the case of no girlfriend make
a move on number one.
                                                            
He looks over at James who is glaring at him.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Err...no implants.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Brilliant!
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
What girl that you know has
implants?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Hey, for all we know you could
have implants.
                                                            

16.

                       SAMANTHA
Oh, please.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Prove it.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Ha ha nice try. I'm getting
dressed.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Now, now, let's not do anything
crazy.
                                                            
Samantha exits to go change. Paul shakes his head at James
in disgust.
                                                            
                       JAMES
What?
                                                            
                       PAUL
You're a disgrace to boob-rankers
everywhere. I gotta go to work.
                                                            
Paul exits. Shaking his head and tutting at James as he
leaves.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (to Danny)
Thanks man. You saved my ass with
that no implants thing.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Yeah, I was quite impressed with
that myself.
                                                            
                       JAMES
So how's the writing coming? Any
ideas?
                                                            
                       DANNY
Err...ideas? Let me see. There was
the one about a private
investigator who is hired to find
a diamond that he has actually
stolen himself and therefore sits
around for two hours not doing
anything. And then there was the
one about a musician who discovers
that he only exists in a parallel
universe created within the mind
of someone else and therefore sits
around for two hours not doing
            (MORE)

17.

                       DANNY (cont'd)
anything.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (cringing)
Wow.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Yup.
                                                            
                       JAMES
What about the one about the guy
who gets out of prison? You know
the one with the wasps and the
poem? I liked that one.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I dunno, my agent said he'd call
me this week.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well, that's good.
                                                            
                       DANNY
He said that two weeks ago.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Oh.
(unconvincing)
Maybe that's a good thing?
                                                            
Danny raises an eyebrow at James.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hey, it could be. You know like
with jury deliberation. The longer
they take the better.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
That's the dumbest thing I've ever
heard.
                                                            
                       DANNY
So, still in love with Samantha
huh?
                                                            
                       JAMES
I never said I was in love with
her.
                                                            

18.

                       DANNY
No, but I read it off your
forehead.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Great. You think she knows?
                                                            
                       DANNY
Well she can read. But, hey who
knows? People aren't usually so
quick to assume that a member of
the opposite sex is in love with
them.
                                                            
                                         CUT TO:
                                                            
 
INT. THE ZEPPELIN - NIGHT
                                                            
SUBTITLES: LATER THAT NIGHT
                                                            
The ZEPPELIN is a modern-looking rock-and-roll lounge where
Paul tends bar and where the group spend most of their
evenings.

Paul stands behind the bar as a GIRL with rather large and
visible breasts comes to order a drink.
                                                            
                       GIRL
Hey, can I get a steamboat?
                                                            
All the while Paul is staring at her breasts.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Oh you can get a steamboat
alright. How about a motorboat to
go with it?
                                                            
She slaps him across the face.
                                                            
                       GIRL
Steamboat! Pretty boy!
                                                            
Paul holds his hand up to his cheek.
                                                            
                       PAUL
      (groaning)
Coming right up.
                                                            
He gets her the drink. The girl pays him and walks away.
                                                            
                       GIRL
Pig!
                                                            

19.

Paul walks to the other end of the bar where Danny and James
have been watching the whole thing.
                                                            
                       JAMES
What the hell did you say to her?
I mean I know I'm bad at talking
to women but I have never provoked
a reaction like that.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Okay first of all to be bad at
talking to women you actually have
to talk to women.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Touche.
                                                            
                       PAUL
And second of all you guys aren't
seeing the bigger picture.
                                                            
                       JAMES
The bigger picture?
                                                            
                       PAUL
It's all part of the plan.
                                                            
                       DANNY
You planned to get slapped in the
face?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Of course I did.
                                                            
Danny and James look at each other for a moment.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I'll ask.
(to Paul)
What's the plan?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Alright so... You take a woman.
Ideally you want her to be a
little sensitive or emotionally
mature.
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (motions at the
       girl)
She's emotionally mature?
                                                            

20.

                       PAUL
Alright she's not ideal but I
couldn't resist. I mean just look
at them.
                                                            
                       JAMES
They are pretty nice.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Pretty nice? Hey, they're better
than Samantha's I know that much.
There going straight up to number
one on my list. Anyway you walk up
to her - well ideally she walks up
to you but whatever - and you hit
on her in the rudest, most
misogynistic way you can so that
she gets offended, right?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah, I think you got that part
covered.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Right, but then you bump into her
accidentally on purpose a little
later on. You act all nervous and
apologise, show her that you're
actually a really sweet and
sensitive guy and then BAM!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Bam?! Meaning she forgives you,
walks away and leaves you standing
there feeling like an idiot
because you're right back where
you started?
                                                            
                       PAUL
No.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You sexually assault her?
                                                            
                       PAUL
No, my friend. Try the other way
round.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I'm sorry, what?
                                                            

21.

                       PAUL
Look, whatever, just watch and
learn.
                                                            
Paul heads off to execute his plan. Danny and James sit in
silence for a few seconds.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You think there are female
rapists?
                                                            
                       DANNY
I dunno. Probably.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
God I hope so. Could be my only
chance of finding true love.
                                                            
Danny downs his bottle of beer.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Are you alright, man?
                                                            
                       DANNY
What, yeah I'm fine why wouldn't I
be?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Because we've been here like ten
minutes and you're already on your
third beer.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I'm fine don't worry about it.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Alright.
                                                            
James turns to notice something on the other side of the
room.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Oh no. You've gotta be kidding me.
                                                            
Danny turns around.

POV shot. Paul stands with the big breasted girl as she
writes something on the palm of his hand. They smile at
each other then he walks back to the guys.

Paul returns to the bar showing is hand to the guys.
                                                            

22.

                       PAUL
Phone number. Read 'em and weep.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well at least it's consensual.
                                                            
                       PAUL
It's consensual alright.
                                                            
Paul starts rubbing his fingers and thumbs together.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Putty in my hands, boys.
                                                            
Paul leaves and gets back to work.
                                                            
                       JAMES
He said putty right? With a 't'?
                                                            
                       DANNY
Yup.
(pause)
I need a cigarette.
                                                            
Danny exits.
                                                            
 
EXT. THE ZEPPELIN - NIGHT
                                                            
Danny stands outside the bar smoking. Samantha enters,
dressed up and looking stunning.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Tut, tut, tut. Smoking again,
Danny Boy?
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (in fake jest)
Haha, you caught me.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Of course I'm smoking again. God
what a stupid comment.
                                                            
                       DANNY
So how's your night going?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Awful. I just had the worst date
ever.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Another one huh?
                                                            

23.

                       SAMANTHA
Shut up.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Hey, serves you right for calling
me Danny Boy all the time.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Well it serves you right for
letting me know it annoys you so
much.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Whatever. So come on, what was
wrong with this one?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
I dunno. I mean he was cute and
everything. He was just...boring.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Boring?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Yeah. Like, he didn't make me
laugh like once.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Jeeesus Christ.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Well, maybe he was nervous.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Well, he didn't seem so nervous
when he walked me to my door.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Did you sleep with him?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
No! Of course not. Maybe I should
have though. Can't remember the
last time I had some decent sex.
                                                            
Danny starts to look her up and down. Staring at her body.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I'll have sex with you.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I'll have sex with you.
                                                            

24.

She rolls her eyes at him.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Yeah, right.
                                                            
Danny chuckles awkwardly. Then regroups.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Woops.
                                                            
 
INT. THE ZEPPELIN - NIGHT
                                                            
James and Paul are still at the bar.
                                                            
                       PAUL
So are you gonna make a move on
Samantha or what?
                                                            
                       JAMES
I dunno. I'm not ready.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Come on, I just made a move on my
number one.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You just met her.
                                                            
                       PAUL
So what?
                                                            
                       JAMES
So you would have made a move on
her anyway. That doesn't count.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Dude, it so counts. Plus I made a
move on the last number one too.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Oh yeah, was she just as
emotionally mature?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Actually she was.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Who was she?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Miss Blake.
                                                            

25.

                       JAMES
You made a move on our 12th grade
Spanish teacher?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Yes, James. Yes, I did and do you
know why?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Because you're sick?
                                                            
                       PAUL
Well, yes but not just that,
James. I did it because it's the
rules and I obeyed them like a
man.
                                                            
 
EXT. THE ZEPPELIN - NIGHT
                                                            
Samantha and Danny still talking outside.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
I just wanna find a guy who knows
what I want. What I need.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
What the hell does that mean?
                                                            
                       DANNY
Well, you just gotta keep looking.
You'll find someone out there good
enough for you.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Yeah. What about you? How's your
love-life?
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Hahahahahahahahaha!
                                                            
                       DANNY
Err...pretty stagnant at the
moment. I'm not really looking for
anyone right now.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Well you should start looking.
You're a good looking guy. You
know, you're interesting.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Interesting?
                                                            

26.

                       SAMANTHA
Yeah you're a writer. Girls like
that sort of thing. It shows
you're sensitive.
                                                            
                       DANNY
I don't think that's true at all
is it? Besides I don't have time
to look.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
You sit around doing nothing all
day.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Exactly, all day. Which means I'm
fully booked doing nothing.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Oh come on, let me set you up with
someone. I have this friend that I
think would really be into you.
                                                            
 
INT. THE ZEPPELIN - NIGHT
                                                            
James and Paul still at the bar.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Look, I don't want to ask her out
just because of some stupid rule,
alright? I wanna ask her when it
feels right and I wanna ask her
because I wanna spend time with
her and get to know her more not
because she's top of some
breast-league.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Fine, you big queer do it when it
feels right, but just promise that
you'll do it okay?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Alright I'll do it.
                                                            
Danny enters.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Paul. Beer. Please.
                                                            
Paul gets him a bottle.
                                                            

27.

                       DANNY
Samantha's here.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Oh yeah? Where?
                                                            
                       DANNY
She went to the bathroom.
                                                            
                       JAMES
What's up with you?
                                                            
                       DANNY
She's trying to set me up on a
blind date.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Wow, that's depressing.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Yes, it is.
                                                            
                       PAUL
What are you talking about,
depressing? You get the chance of
getting laid without having to do
most of the hard work.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah, Paul. I think you just make
it look like hard work.
                                                            
                       PAUL
I'm sorry. What was that mister
ten months?
                                                            
                       JAMES
See now that's just uncalled for,
man.
                                                            
                       PAUL
You're right man, I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
God, will you just shut up?
                                                            
                       JAMES
So, Danny I think I'm gonna tell
Samantha how I feel.
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (uninterested)
What?
                                                            

28.

                       JAMES
I'm gonna tell her how I feel.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
Oh, this again.
                                                            
                       DANNY
That's good, man. Good for you.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah, I'm gonna wait till the
moments right and I'm just gonna
tell her.
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (not really
       listening)
Awesome.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Alright, I gotta take a piss.
                                                            
James exits.
                                                            
                       PAUL
Yeah, I better get back to work.
I'm already on thin ice what with
the whole getting slapped by a
customer thing.
                                                            
Paul exits. Danny is alone though he has barely noticed
otherwise. He sits staring at his bottle of beer. Turning it
in his hands and occasionally taking a sip. Samantha
enters, coming back from the bathroom.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
What's the matter, Danny Boy?
                                                            
Danny comes out of his trance and turns to Samantha.
                                                            
                       DANNY
You're not gonna stop calling me
that are you?
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Nope.
                                                            
                       DANNY
Fair enough.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
You'll get used to it eventually.
                                                            

29.

                       DANNY
I just might.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
So, just out of interest, where am
I in your boob-ranking?
                                                            
                       DANNY
      (smiling)
I don't have one. But if I did I
don't think I'd reduce you to it.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Good answer. Complete lie but good
answer.
                                                            
                       DANNY (V.O)
I came prepared.
                                                            
Danny takes a sip of his beer. Then there is a brief moment
of silence.
                                                            
                       DANNY
So this friend of yours. What's
she like?
                                                            


THE END


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From Bryson Lowry Date 5/14/2009 ***1/2
I loved it. I thought it was funny. Its a good pilot for a show. But its like How I met your mother part 2. Everybodys in it: Robin, Ted, Marshall, and Barney.

From Fish Stark Date 5/2/2009 ***
It's not bad, pretty funny actually. I could see this on HBO or something. I graded you down because there's no real premise. You can't make the VO thing a premise--it really works in the first scene, but after that...it's not bad, it just doesn't work as well as I'd hoped. That said, this is really good writing.


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