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Without A Hitch (Short)
by David Chase (davidchase@rogers.com)

Rated: G   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

A pair of would be thieves finds that pulling off the job may not be as easy as expected.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The bar's a seedy place found in waterfronts and back
alleys. Smoke hangs low in the air, as suspicious looking
patrons nurse their drinks, talking quietly among
Seated alone at a table in the back is JACK. He may be
mid-40's but has a youthful appearance. Attractive and
sophisticated looking, the only outward flaw is an eye patch
over his right eye. He is dressed entirely in black.
A woman approaches the table. JILL is also dressed entirely
in black. Very attractive, she too may be somewhere in her
40's, a fact belied only by the small whisp of white in her
jet black hair. She sits at the table opposite Jack.
You're late.
He doesn't look directly at her as she sits, choosing
instead to glance quickly around the room.
I didn't want to arouse suspicion.
Jack looks directly at her this time.
Were you followed?
No...I don't think so.
You don't think so in this game.
Either you know or you don't.
It's Jill's turn to glance around quickly.
No, I wasn't followed.
Jack eyes her closely with his good one.
All right, then. I'm Jack.
She takes his extended hand.


Jack grins at this.
Jack and Jill. What do you say,
Jill? Feel like going up the hill
to fetch a pail of water?
I'm planning on fetching
something, but it's not water.
Good. Then you're in.
Jack raises the glass in front of him to take a drink, just
as Jill looks around. She misses it as the straw in the
drink pokes Jack in his good eye. He winces, quickly moving
the eye patch to his left eye, which also appears fine.
Having just missed the ruse, Jill looks suspiciously at him.
Jack takes a drink, a guilty look on his face.
I was told you had all the intel
on this job.
I do. Easy in and out. It should
go off without a hitch.
A sprawling estate lies at the top of an immaculately
cultivated slope. The main driveway leads from the front
gate, past a beautiful marble fountain, up to the front of
what can only be described as a mansion. A brick security
wall runs the entire circumference of the perimeter.
                       JACK (V.O.)
The guy's a big time art dealer.
Lavish lifestyle, spares no
expense. He's gotten comfortable,
maybe a little too much so.
Halfway along the wall on the east side is a small doorway.
Jack and Jill, hunched over in the shadows, approach it.


What's the security situation?
Should be a breeze. Mr. Bigshot's
away for a few weeks, and I have
intel that says his security
detail is a skeleton crew tonight.
That's what I like to hear.
Jack attempts to open the door, but the handle won't move.
What's wrong?
It's locked.
Can you open it?
In my sleep.
Jack produces a small lock pick apparatus, and begins trying
to pick the lock. He wiggles the tool around in the lock,
unsuccessfully, several times.
Just...turn it that way...
...no, it's not giving...
...just...no, the other way...
Will you let me do this?
Hearing the frustration in his voice, Jill stands back to
give him room. After struggling with the lock for another
moment, he gives up.
The lock must be broke.
Jill rolls her eyes.


Don't worry, I've got it covered.
A lone SECURITY GUARD patrols the grounds, whistling quietly
as he goes. He passes the door on the east side and
continues on without a second look.
As he disappears from site, a head bobs up and down,
appearing and disappearing over the top of the wall.
                       JILL (O.S.)
...hold it, I can't...quite...
A small SHRIEK is followed by a THUMP.
On the
Jack and Jill are lying in a heap on the ground.
Any other bright ideas?
Yeah, a few.
Jack gets up and dusts himself off. He surveys the situation
for a moment, sizing up the wall.
Standing directly in front of the wall, Jack vaults upward,
grabbing the top of the wall. Grunting, he attempts to pull
himself up, his feet flailing wildly in a vain attempt to
get more footing. The effect is similar to running on ice.
One of his feet slips, causing his knee to bang hard against
the wall. He drops to the ground.
Dammit, dammit, dammit!
He bounces on one foot, rubbing the wounded knee. Jill turns
away, trying to hold back her laughter.
You think this is funny?
Jill is clearly trying not to burst into laughter.


No, not at all.
Jack fumes for a moment, before going back to surveying the
wall once more.
Okay. Get down on all fours.
Excuse me?
I need the leverage, pervert.
Oh. Sorry.
Jack takes a step back, as Jill gets down on all fours in
front of the wall. Giving himself a split second to muster
the courage, Jack propels himself forward.
Jill rolls out of the way, but it is too late. Jack, with
nothing to propel himself from, hits the wall face first. He
falls backward, groaning as he hits the ground.
Ooohh, sorry, sorry.
She rushes to his side.
Are you okay?
I hit my head...
You broke your crown.
Jack frowns at her, not amused by the pun. She finally
bursts into laughter.
I'm sorry, I couldn't help it.


I thought you said ready.
I know. I panicked. C'mon, we'll
give it another try.
Jack grudgingly gets up as Jill assumes the position again.
For sure?
Yes, hurry up and go.
Jack propels himself forward once more. Success! He vaults
off of Jill's back, getting the upward momentum needed to
scale the wall. Reaching the top, he lies flat, straddling
the wall.
I told you this would work.
Quit bragging. How am I supposed
to get up there?
Grab my hand, I'll pull you up.
Jill reaches up, allowing Jack to get a grip on her. As he
attempts to pull her up, his body slides over the inside of
the wall, until they are both hanging suspended on opposite
sides of the wall.
Now start climbing.
Jill begins to slowly walk up the wall, as Jack begins to
slowly lower himself down on the inside. Suddenly, he gets a
look, as if something has dawned on him.
Wait a minute, this is stupid.


Jack lets go of Jill's hands, dropping to the ground. Jill
lets out a SHRIEK. Jack grimaces as the realization hits. He
hears the THUMP on the other side of the wall.
He goes to the door and unlocks it from the inside. Jill
stands on the other side, leaves and branches in her hair.
Jill limps through, picking debris from her hair.
Blending into the shadows, Jack and Jill slink around to the
rear of the house, where there are no lights visible.
Security must be hanging out in
the front.
Where does he keep it?
It's in his study.
Jack takes a few more steps, stopping before a window.
With only a faint illumination coming from a light at the
other end of the house, the study is almost completely dark.
The window slides open, and a hand reaches in, followed by
the head, torso, and upper body of Jill.
Almost there...


She struggles, pulling herself in through the window, until
her feet are finally visible. Bracing herself with a hand,
she lowers herself to the floor.
Okay, I'm...
CRASH! The sound of something hitting the floor.
Jack's head pops into view through the window as he begins
to pull himself into the room.
What? What happened?
I don't know. I'm covered in
Jack drops quietly to the floor. Reaching into his pocket,
he withdraws a small flashlight.
Pointing the beam toward Jill, he sees that she is covered
in a black, dusty soot. Moving the beam to the floor, he
sees a large, gold colored urn lying there.
What is it? What am I covered in?
Jack reads the inscription on the urn.
Jill thinks for a moment before realization sets in. She
gets a disgusted look on her face.
Here, help me with this.
Jack goes about scooping as much of the ash as he can back
into the urn, before replacing it back on the table.
Now where is it?


The security guard stands in the kitchen, making a cup of
coffee and watching a small TV. As he takes a drink, a low
BEEP comes from his watch. He clicks on it to silence the
noise, before turning off the TV and leaving the room.
The beam from the flashlight traces around the room.
It's got to be here.
Slowly, a small noise begins to rise.
What's that?
They pause, as the sound of WHISTLING gets closer.
Damn, it's the guard. C'mon, we've
gotta find it.
The light continues around the room, until it comes to stop
on a small table. There, gleaming in the light, is a
beautifully decorated, jeweled Faberge egg.
There it is. Grab it.
Jack takes the egg and stuffs it in a small pouch. The
whistling gets louder and louder.
C'mon, let's beat it.
The security guard makes his way down the hallway, shining
his own flashlight and whistling as he goes. Coming to the
end of the hall, he shines his light into the study.
What the hell?
The light lands on a small rug covered in soot. Tracing it
up the wall, the guard sees the open window.


He quickly turns and begins to run back down the hall.
Jack and Jill crouch down at the rear of the house.
C'mon, let's go.
He begins to lead them back toward the east side of the
house, but stops suddenly as a light comes on.
Damn, we'll have to go the other
way. Follow me.
They turn and begin to creep in the opposite direction.
Jack pokes his head out from around the edge of the house.
The front drive is visible, as is the front gate. The guard
is nowhere to be seen.
All clear. Let's go.
They break into a run down the front lawn toward the gate.
Hey! Stop right there!
The sucurity guard has rounded the house and is in hot
pursuit. Jack looks back in his direction.
Keep running!
Jack looks forward again, just in time to see the fountain
directly in front of him. Unable to stop his forward
momentum, he plunges head first into the water.
Oh, shiii...!
His words quickly turn to a bubbling, gargling sound.


Get up! This is not time to be
taking a swim!
Jack scowls at her as he drags his soaking wet body out of
the fountain and continues running again.
Jill reaches the front gate first. There is another door to
the side of the main gate for pedestrian traffic. She
fiddles with the lock, finally getting it open and bursting
through the doorway to the outside.
Jack, on the full run, ignores the door and propels himself
up the side of the wall. As he elevates, his pant leg gets
caught on a bush, causing his pants to come off. He
continues over the wall, landing on the other side in just
his underwear.
They stand looking at one another, panting heavily.
Oh, my God. I can't believe it.
I've never felt like this.
They look at one another for a moment, before embracing in a
passionate kiss.
The sound of someone clearing their throat breaks the
moment. Jack casually turns, coming face to face with the
security guard who stands on the other side of the gate.
The man grins smugly at Jack, before spraying him in the
eyes from a can of mace.
Jack hops around wildly, rubbing his eyes.
Oh God, Oh God!
A police car rolls up to the curb, lights flashing. freezing
everyone in place.
A pair of DETECTIVES stand at a desk, looking at a file.
They are clearly trying to contain their laughter.
                       DETECTIVE 2
So the guy confirmed it?


                       DETECTIVE 1
Yeah, every word. Fred and Maxine
Williams, married for 25 years.
This was Fred's idea of an
anniversary gift for his wife, a
little role playing.
A short distance away, Fred and Maxine are visible through
the bars of a jail cell. Maxine is still covered in black
soot, while Fred sits draped in a towel, his eyes red.
                       DETECTIVE 2
But I thought a friend of his
owned the place? Didn't they
arrange the whole thing in
                       DETECTIVE 1
Yeah, that's the best part. Seems
Fred gave his friend the wrong
date. They weren't supposed to rob
the place for another week.
The Detective makes quote signs with his fingers to
punctuate "rob the place".
                       DETECTIVE 2
So the guard...
                       DETECTIVE 1
He thought it was a real break in.
They look toward the sorry couple once more.
                       DETECTIVE 2
You gonna let 'em out?
                       DETECTIVE 1
Sure, in a few minutes. Might as
well keep the role play going a
bit longer. Call it my anniversary
gift to them.
Inside the cell, Fred reaches over and puts his hand on
Maxine's lap. They both stare straight ahead.
Happy anniversay, honey.
Happy anniversary.


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