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The Best Part of Tomorrow
by Mike Ghareeb (mfghareeb@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

Two party animals working for their laid back boss must straighten up when his hardass brother takes over the business.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Driving to the Beverly Hills mansion owned by Charlton
Mike Moskovelli,6'5" in his mid 20's, is Charlton's driver
of nearly five years. Ryan Jennings,5'5" also in his mid
20's, is Charlton's personal assistant, also of five years.
Mike and Ryan are running late to pick up Mr. Sexton for an
important engagement.
I don't know why I had to come
with you anyways.
You're the man's assistant, and
the one with the check book. Plus
this is pretty much all your
My fault? Was it necessary to get
the car "detailed" at a strip
Mighta been.
And shouldn't the driver, YOU, be
responsible for the vehicle?
Usually, but if I remember
correctly this one was all you.
                                         FLASH BACK
Mike's driving the limo, slightly intoxicated. He is
sipping on a 5th of vodka. Ryan's in the back with two
strippers. Ryan is wasted hanging out of the sunroof.
Is your friend OK? He looks


Don't worry, he's got it!
Ryan falls out of the car.
Mike pulls the car around to pick Ryan up.
Are you ok?
I'm ok.
In the distance you hear a voice yell.
                       HOBO (drunkenly)
You little BITCH!
      (pissed off)
Hey take it easy! This isn't the
best neighborhood for drunken
      (yelling from
Yeah take that little bitch home.
I've never seen nobody ignorant
enough to fall outta their car!
Lets just roll home with the
      (walking toward
No this is bullshit! I fell, I'm
hurt, homeless people are breaking
my balls!
Mike and Ryan find themselves surrounded by bums.


Look at this rookie. He don't even
look old enough to be drinkin.
Old man, It's a tough night for
you to be abusing the shit outta
Bro lets just go. I don't see this
ending well.
You rich boys are all the same,
soft and weak. Falling out of your
car! Hah!
                       RYAN (drunkenly)
WEAK! Old man we can arm wrestle
right now! We'll see who's weak!
      (Laughing at Ryan)
Little guy I'll snap your arm off
at the shoulder.
Oh, It's go time!
Listen bro. You getting your ass
kicked by the homeless is not the
way to impress the ladies!
Listen old man it's you and me
right now...I'm so sure I'm gonna
whip your ass...
Ryan quickly looks around for something he can wager
Old man I'm so sure I'm going to
beat you that I am willing to
wager our limo.
But you already fell out of the
car and gotten your arm broken.
Now your icing the whole evening
by losing a car that isn't ours.
What are these guys gonna do with


                       MIKE (cont'd)
a limo?
                       RYAN (looking at hobos)
Listen, I got this. Just relax and
see if you can find me some hand
sanitizer, or rubber gloves?
Well earlier we did passed that,
"Hobo Wrestling," supply store.
                       RYAN (drunkly excited)
Sweet. See if they have the gloves
that go to the elbow.
We should just leave man.
Screw it! Lets go old timer. I'm
gonna teach you a quick lesson.
Old Timer? Bro, that guys maybe
Ryan and the hobo are about to square off in the alley. The
hobo rolls up his sleeves to reveal massive biceps.
      (looking at bum's
       huge arms)
Well, I'll gather my personal
effects from the car.
Ryan and hobo are leaning over a barrel about to lock grips.
Junior, I'm gonna destroy you.
Then we're gonna turn your limo
into condos.
That's it. It's go time!
      (Yelling from car)
Are you guys ready. We're bored as


                       MIKE (calmly)
Calm down ladies and just give
this a second. Ryan's
embarrassment is always classic.
Ryan's thin 5'5" frame sits meagerly across the barrel top
from the tall heavy set Hobo.
Here ya go junior.
Ryan hand disappears in the hobo's giant paw.
We go on three. One, Two...
                       RYAN (Struggling)
Hobo defeats Ryan easily. Ryan turns to Mike
So this is pretty bad huh?
Pretty Bad? Pretty bad is your
wardrobe... or when you googled
Steve-O on my laptop...This may be
a disaster.
Now what?
Now we run for our lives from a
bunch of hobo's.
That's it! Double or nothin! I'll
challenge him to a race down the
alley and we'll be even.
Whenever you're ready baby
features. I'll toast your ass!
                       MIKE (sarcastically)
Good idea! Then we'll owe'm two
cars and we're one event away from
the first homeless tri-athalon.


He was so freaking muscular.
What,are they giving out roid's at
the shelter?
Come on man! You're gonna keep
embarrassing us!
Bro, We both know I got WHEELS! I
win this race and wrap this whole
thing up, no hard feelings.
Fine. But I'm telling you you'd
better crank out a freaking Carl
Lewis type performance or I'm
leaving you alone here like the
time I walked in your house and
saw you tryna get head from your
I told you he was licking a cut on
my leg.
                       MIKE (sarcastically)
OK? I heard that's good for it.
Whatever. Lets race!
Ryan and the bum head to the starting line. The bum is
wearing filthy break away basketball warm ups. He tears them
off revealing running shorts and a brand new pair of Nike
running shoes.
Oh, what the hell is this shit?
He was an arena football star in
Amsterdam before getting hooked on
the junk.
                       MIKE (sarcastic)
Hopefully, he was the fastest guy
on the team! Are you hearing this
Mighty Mouse?


Calm down shorty. They give these
Nike's to everyone who wins the
L.A. marathon.
You managed find someone with
Bruce Jenner credentials in an
Mike gives them the rules.
OK you two, the first one to get
to the trash cans at the end of
the alley and fish dinner outta
them wins. Go on three.
Got it. Trash cans.
Trash cans, dinner. Check.
Ryan takes his position at the starting line. The Hobo
crouches down next to him. The Hobo is extremely muscular
with huge legs.
Ok. One, two, three...
Ryan gets off two a fabulous start.
I got this.
Hobo overtakes him in a flash.
Shit, Shit, shit!
Mike, sensing a loss from the start, has pulled the car
Get in dumb ass! GET IN, GET IN
Ryan gets in the car groggy from defeat and alcohol as Mike
peels out.


We gotta go back. I'm a man of my
Forget it!
I'am a man of my word though?
You are a man of your words. But I
am not!
I had chemistry with those guys
they'll understand.
The only chemistry would be done
by the CSI team as they tried to
figure out what happened to you.
Oh Charlton would understand. He's
a cellular telecommunications
millionaire he can afford it. I
really feel awful for welshing.
I understand your high moral
character Lord Drunkington, but
you're gonna feel even worse in
the morning.
                                         END OF FLASHBACK
At least we made it out with those
I put those chicks in a cab.
No way! I remember hooking up with
a hot chick!
Naw bro, you didn't hook up with
anything but agonizing defeat.


I behaved horribly that night. I'm
never drinking like that again.
That just wasn't me.
Yeah you need to stop squandering
your few opportunities with cute
What's that supposed to mean?
It means the last chick that came
looking for ya looked like the
housekeeper from Two And A Half
Charlton calls Ryan to find out why they haven't picked him
up yet.
Sir, we're five minutes away from
the house. We'll have you there in
plenty of time.
Ryan gets off the phone and continues his talk with Mike.
You're doing an awful job as my
wing man! Lets get home,the boss
is getting antsy.
Ryan and Mike speed up to the house. Mr.Sexton is waiting
for them at the door as he is eager to leave.
                       MR. SEXTON
Where the heck have you guys been?
Never mind. I doubt I even want to
My bad boss. Don't worry I'll
have you there in time for your
speech at the height of their


                       MR. SEXTON
Like my wedding? Where you got me
there so late, the future love of
my life and best man had already
left on my honeymoon.
Well, sir...
                       MR. SEXTON
Her family canceled the wedding
because of it.
That was a tricky traffic
                       MR. SEXTON
Well didn't that women turn out to
be your second cousin or
                       MR. SEXTON
NEVER MIND. Lets go.Do you have my
Of course I do. I just have to run
inside and change my shirt real
                       MR. SEXTON
Did you add some jokes? I like
when you put the jokes in...
Yes sir...
                       MR. SEXTON
Good. Let's go. I've got the
Lakers game at 7:30.
      (Mr. Sexton)
Just don't you worry sir, your
speech is short but sweet and
we'll have you out of the hospital
and at the game by 7:30.


Ryan goes quickly inside to change. He runs into Ms.Amelia.
Amelia,black, and 5'1" 400 lbs, is head house keeper and one
of Charltons most trusted employees.
                       MS. AMELIA
Honey if you need any help with
your little top you just let me
know. I'll tear that little outfit
off like it were the wrapper on a
scrumptious golden twinkie.
                       RYAN (very uneasy)
Probably soon if things don't
                       MS. AMELIA (leaning with anticipation)
Whats that baby?
Oh I just said if we don't leave
soon we'll be doomed. I gotta get
going. Bye bye.
                       MS. AMELIA (lovingly)
Bye Baby!
Ryan quickly changes his shirt and is leaving. As he's
walkin out he bumps into Rene, a really sexy blonde maid.
Oh, excuse me.
Mike's got you running late again
You know. Never a dull moment with
                       RENE (smiling)
Ryan heads out to the car.
What took you so long. Were you up
there sweet talking Amelia?


Mike, she was hemming me up like
new pants in there.
Calm down and be glad somebody
loves ya!
                       RYAN (stressed)
Yeah, keep it up. She could just
carry me off.
Sorry man. I forgot how sensitive
you are.
Oh I saw Rene inside she was
asking about you.
                       MIKE (smiling)
Ya she's been all over my shit
No she was asking about you
restraining order style like, "Hey
can you tell your friend to stop
peeping in my windows!"
                       MR. SEXTON (interrupting)
      (Ryan, Mike)
Guys, enough with the small talk.
Lets roll!
Mike, Ryan and Charlton make their way to the children's
hospital. On the way Ryan gives Charlton the plan.
      (Mr. Sexton)
OK sir. You go in here shake a few
hands and keep moving. We'll have
you on your way to the game in no
Mr. Sexton and Ryan go in and move through the proceedings
at an incredible pace. Mr. Sexton makes a short speech about
the wing he has donated and they are out of there. They are
back out in the car heading to Staples Center.


Well you boys must have made a
sincere effort in there.
Mr. Sextons level of generosity
speaks for itself and we have
somewhere else to be.
I need to be court side not you.
You're not even a fan.
Take it easy Nicholson! You're the
limo driver not a movie star.
I am a huge fan though.
Well the last time you used the
tickets you went all "boys night
Cut to Mike staggering court-side. Standing in front of his
seat he is outrageously drunk and obnoxious. He is making a
spectacle of himself. He's got a beer in his hand and you
can barely identify his foam middle finger resting on his
seat behind him. Mike grabs a handful of the kids popcorn
sitting next to him and stuffs it in his mouth. Mike howls
KOOOBE! Mike then calls "timeout" and passes out face first
onto the court.
I told you I think one of the
Laker girls put something in my
Oh, certainly.
Besides, I don't think anyone even
                       MR. SEXTON (aggravated)
Noticed? Well first of all it was
on Sports-center. Then the team
board of directors called an


                       MR. SEXTON (cont'd)
emergency meeting and wanted me to
give up my seats and sell my
shares of the team. I had to tell
them you were mentally challenged
and promise never to let you sit
there again.
That was one of the great
performances in Staples Center
Anyway, you two have big fun and
I'll wait in the car like a dog.
                       MR. SEXTON
Actually both you guys are in the
car tonight. I'm meeting some
people inside.
The fingers in the trunk sir.
                       RYAN (interupting)
That's fine sir. I'll keep an eye
on the kid here. Have a great
Mr. Sexton heads into the game and Mike and Ryan remain in
the limo. While they are waiting they reflect on what a good
boss Mr. Sexton is. They discuss how lucky they are and how
much they may like their jobs.
Waiting in the car blows. I feel
Calm down little buddy. You'll be
fine out here. I'll put the game
on the radio.
It's fine because you'll fall
asleep or go in the back and play
video games.
Hey,you could do a lot worse then
some XBox and a nap.


My point is that we're not
teenagers anymore. I feel as
though I should be doing more then
making sure Charlton Sextons day
goes according to plan.
Yeah and my point is that we live
in a mansion, Charlton's coolness
towards us is legendary and this
job is easy as hell!
Maybe life shouldn't be so "easy"?
Don't you ever feel like
challenging yourself?
Sometimes dealing with all your
whining is very challenging.
Naw, you know I love ya. What
about putting you law degree to
Yeah. I worked so hard for that
and its useless to me.
We do have some fun though.
Sure. Lately I feel all this
screwing arounds got no future.
I hear you buddy. We'll talk more
about this and get you all figured
out later. Right now I want you to
focus on living up to your
potential as my little camera man!
I'm trying to be serious and once
again you focus on childish shit!
Besides he's not going to meet
anyone at the game.


Probably not at the game. But he
might want to stop for a drink on
the way home.
                       RYAN (sarcasticly)
Could be a late night. You'd
better start your nap.
Good idea. And seriously kid we
will talk about your issues later.
Thanks man.
                                         FADE OUT
Mr.Sexton emerges just after the game. He is accompanied by
an extremely sexy, Latin beauty.
                       MR. SEXTON (Happily)
Mike, take us to that new club on
Sunset. This young lady and I
could use some drinks.
      (Looking at women)
Bingo. Yes sir.
How was the game tonight sir? We
were listening on the radio but
"Lakers fan Numero Uno" here kept
switching the station.
                       MR. SEXTON (excited)
Oh it was fantastic. We won by
four it was right down to the wire
though. That Kobe Bryant can
really score.
                       MIKE (sharply)
You planning on doing a little
scoring tonight sir?
                       MR. SEXTON
What's that?


      (Mr. Sexton)
We're almost there sir!
Mr. Sexton and his lady head inside the club. Ryan and Mike
sit in car.They discuss fondly their collection of movies
they have secretly shot of Mr. Sextons' unbelievable lady
accomplishments. They have made 99 of these videos and are
looking with great anticipation to their 100th.
                       MIKE (excited)
He's definitely bringing this
chick home.
Oh yeah. He's in there paving the
way with apple martini's. I'm not
hiding in the closet to film it.
                       MIKE (arguing)
Come on man! You're the perfect
size for closet video.
No way. This is the immature shit
that's holding me back from
something real.
Look. How bout one more and we're
both done.
We'll see.
Mr.S returns with his beautiful friend. They get in the limo
and head back to the house.
Mr.Sexton and his lady are going at it on his bed and Ryan
is in the closet taping it. Ryan knocks a pair of shoes to
the floor alerting Charlton who heads to the closet to
                       MR. SEXTON (shocked)
Holy shit Ryan! What are you doing
in my closet with a camera?
                       RYAN (terrified)
No, I'm sorry. I was just
borrowing some shoes...


                       MR. SEXTON (angry)
I am thoroughly disgusted with
your behavior. Who or what would
have ever convinced you this was a
good idea.
There is a slight cracking noise from above. Everyone is
looking up.
                       MR. SEXTON (Looking up)
What the...
This isn't gonna end well.
The ceiling gives way and Mike comes falling down on the bed
next to Charlton's woman.
                       MIKE (calmly)
Hey. Having a nice time tonight?
                       MR. SEXTON (Insanely mad)
The both of you out of here now!
I'm extremely disappointed and we
will be having a very serious
discussion first thing in the
A boom mic falls on Mike's head as he is getting up. Mike
grabs it and he and Ryan exit quickly.
Mr. Sexton is having a sit down in the kitchen with Mike and
                       MR. SEXTON (slowly)
Guys I am extremely troubled by
your behavior last night. I think
very highly of you two and I hate
to be so disappointed with you.
Sir I am so embarrassed. I
sincerely apologize and assure you
this kind of thing will never
happen again.
Yes sir. We would never do
anything to intentionally
disrespect you. I'm very sorry.


                       MR. SEXTON
I know you boys are sorry. But
this shit with my forgiveness is
wearing thin.
Thank you sir.
                       MR. SEXTON
Mike, if your Dad hadn't of saved
my life in the Gulf war I would
have had you put to sleep by now.
I know you put him(Ryan) up to
these things.
Charlton sits at the table as he is going to deeper thought.
                       MR. SEXTON
Ahh. Sometimes I wish I had
something more along the lines of
a normal life.
What do yo mean sir?
                       MR. SEXTON
I'm just going through the motions
lately.I feel like I need
something.Sometimes,despite my
success,I feel as though I'm
missing so much. I wish I just had
a fresh start with more
Life hasn't been been you dreamed
it would be sir?
                       MR. SEXTON
You two just behave.
Mr.Sexton leaves and Mike and Ryan are left talking about
the conversation.
                       RYAN (confused)
Wow! I can't believe it.
                       MIKE (angry)
Ya what a DICK! "Despite all my
financial success." He knows I'm
broke as Hell!


                       RYAN (aggravated)
No. I had no idea that he was so
upset. I always see him as the
luckiest guy in the world.
He'll be FINE. He's just feeling a
little neglected cause he was
about to make love to a beautiful
woman and instead he found a
midget with a camcorder shooting a
sex video out of his closet.
Oh and when a giant idiot fell
through the ceiling things got
back on track!
No. I was just saying that you got
things going in a bad direction.
Anyway I have to go see about
getting the ceiling fixed. I'll
call you're cell later.
Mike and Ryan part ways. On his way out Ryan encounters Ms.
                       MS. AMELIA (lovingly)
Oh Honey I heard you were in
trouble with Charlton.
No, no, every things just fine.
                       MS. AMELIA
Don't hide in the closet baby. If
you wanna get freaky just let me
                       RYAN (nervous)
No I was in there... taking
measurements .. For some new
                       MS. AMELIA
Baby you're a young man. You have
desires. Sometimes you just wanna
hide in the closet and go to town


                       MS. AMELIA (cont'd)
on yourself. I understand.
No. No every thing's fine with me.
I'm getting so much I don't know
where to put it. Thanks for your
concern. I'll be wandering in
traffic if anyone asks.
                       MS. AMELIA
Ok sugar. You keep an eye on
yourself now.
Ryan and Mike meet randomly together later in the TV room in
the mansion.
Hey Rene is the gym clean cause Im
going down there to pump myself up
a little.
                       MIKE (interupting)
The only thing that kids pumping
up is an inflatable friend back in
his room.
                       RENE (laughing)
Yeah Muscles, the gyms spotless. I
even got your Pilate's mat wiped
down for ya.
Listen Rene. We should get
together some night this week.
                       RENE (smiling)
We'll see. You'll probably be busy
hiding in the ceiling.
Actually I wasn't hiding, I was
looking for something in the crawl
space above.


Yeah, these bigger homes aren't
made well at all.
                       RENE (questioning)
You were looking for something
using one of those tall
That mic was actually left up
there from last year when MTV shot
that episode of cribs here.
                       RENE (doubtful)
Yeah. OK, You let me know when you
get your story straight.
Rene leaves to get back to work. Ryan's phone rings and
Charlton wants to speak to him immediately.
Mr.Sexton calls Ryan needs to speak to him in person. Ryan
goes to his office.
                       MR. SEXTON
I really meant what I said earlier
about getting a fresh start.My
company's London division needs
strong leadership desperately. I'm
moving there to head things up.
I"ll give things a little shot in
the arm and maybe a change of
scenery will do the same for me.
                       RYAN (shocked)
Wow! That certainly is some news.
Are you sure this is a good thing
for you?
                       MR. SEXTON
I know that this will do me good.
I need to get away,meet some new
people. Maybe I'll finally meet
the right woman.
But sir who will look after your
interests here?


                       MR. SEXTON
It's taken care of. You remember
my brother Wayne?
                       RYAN (nrevously)
Wayne, your brother, of course.
                       MR. SEXTON (Enthusiasticly)
You'll be working for Wayne until
I return.
Last time we met I don't think he
cared for me much.
                       MR. SEXTON
Oh he can be a little eccentric at
times but you guys will get along
Famously like it'll be in the news
when I die by his hand?
Charlton, Wayne, Ryan, and a few business associates are
sitting at the dining room table in the mansion.
                       MR. SEXTON (Smiling)
It's good to have you here for
dinner brother.
Well a man's got to eat.
Thank you for inviting me sir.
                       MR. SEXTON
Glad you're here son. You're
Shouldn't he be at some sort of
children's table?
Wayne gestures towards the another room. Ryan starts choking
on a dinner roll.
                       MR. SEXTON
Ryan are you OK?


Ryan puts his hand up signaling he's fine.
I'll straighten him out.
Wayne rises from his chair and stands Ryan up by the back of
his neck.
                       WAYNE (determined)
We've just got to loosen him up.
Wayne starts whaling on Ry ans back like he's beating a rug.
                       MR. SEXTON
I think he's getting it up.
Naw you've got to work the
Wayne spins Ryan around and instructs a butler to hold Ryan
while he starts hitting his stomach like a heavy bag.
I read this in a medical journal.
                       MR. SEXTON (concerned)
Was the journal from mid-evil
Ryan is red faced and terrified as he is getting beaten.
suddenly the roll pops free of his throat and across the
See, it's a proven system.
Wayne bounces Ryan's still gasping head off the table and
makes his way back to his seat. A servant comes through the
adjoining kitchen door and spills a tray of scalding hot
coffee all over Ryan. His shrieks of unimaginable pain ring
through the house.
                                         END FLASHBACK
                       MR. SEXTON
Hey, you met some great people in
that burn treatment center. Things
always have a way of working out.
Ryan looks puzzled.


Get to work on the arrangements
Wayne will arrive tomorrow.
Mr. Sexton leaves satisfied with his recent decisions. Ryan
thinks about what just transpired. He leaves the office to
find Mike right outside where he had been trying to listen
What was that about? I heard some
of it. Brother Wayne is coming to
Oh it's worse than you think.
Little brother's coming here to be
our boss indefinitely while Mr. S
is in London. He says it'll be
Fun! Wayne's the antidote for fun!
The last time he was here he
absolutely abused us. Even the
paper boy wanted him dead.
I know.
The newspapers arrived with that
white powder on them.
Yes, there have been some issues.
How many times has that guy beaten
you? Remember your little road
trip together?
Ryan is driving a distance and Wayne is asleep in the
passenger seat.


Ryan's contact lenses are troubling him with dryness. He
tips his head back briefly closing and rolling his eyes to
moisten them.Wayne awakens to find Ryan's head back on the
headrest and assumes he is asleep at the wheel.

Wake up dumb ass!
                       RYAN (Shocked)
Get up hippie! I wondered why the
garage smelled like pine cones!
Car fishtails all over the road as Wayne slaps Ryan around.
You were probably out all night!
                                         END FLASHBACK
Yes it's going to be challenging
but we owe it to Mr. S to make it
It'd probably be easier to get a
Ken Doll's dick to work.
Well look, If you don't want to
make this happen we can try and
get our old jobs back!
Mike and Ryan reflect back to a short-lived employment
venture they had prior to Mr. Sexton.
We show Ryan hanging from a tree in an effort to saw a lower
branch while Mike holds the support rope below. He is
swinging a mini-chain saw and yelling for Mike to stabilize
him. Ryan is sporting a super bushy mustache.
                       RYAN (dangling in tree)
Bro! Hold the rope strong, you
over-sized Jack Ass.
I've got it.


Wow, I went to law school to end
up hanging from a tree.
Ryan swipes his little chainsaw at a nearby branch.
Your big goofy ass should be able
to reach these from the ground.
Oh that's how you talk, when I got
your little fairy ass by a string!
Just be cool and lower me down.
The chain saw needs gas.
What? No, the chain saw's fine.
The owner's manual said it could
run for 3 hrs on one tank, you've
been up there for 8 minutes. Try
tapping on the fuel pump,
sometimes it jams.
I tried tapping it and its not
working. Raise me up and I'll bang
it on the branch above.
                       MIKE (straining)
I'm trying but you gotta be the
heaviest of all the smurfs.
Ryan is reaching and swinging at the branch with the little
chain saw. All the while that branch is breaking more and
more and they don't notice. Mike sees a hot chick jog by and
lets go of the rope a little bit. The branch can't take the
stress and snaps dropping a screaming Ryan through the roof
of a convertible parked in the driveway.
Yeah, that was awful.
And you weren't the one to fall 25
feet onto a running chain saw.


                       MIKE (proud)
NICE! I didn't know you got that
saw working!
Oh yeah, just in time too!
So when does Mr.Personality
Maybe you guys can all have dinner
No Thanks.
He seems to enjoy beating you over
a good meal.
                       RYAN (sarcastically)
Nope. Look,you and I need to be
working together better than ever.
                       MIKE (agreeing)
Hey, you can always count on
me...Right now though, I'm going
to watch some basketball.
I'm gonna meet up with you later.
Let's keep it under 20 beers and
two hookers tonight OK Mr. Sheen,
I need you ready to rock first
thing tomorrow.
Just try and make that meeting as
late in the morning as possible.
Mike and Ryan go their separate ways.


Mike and Ryan are in the limo waiting for Wayne Sexton's
private jet to arrive.
Imagine he shows up and he's a
totally changed man. Just as nice
as he can be.
It's gonna be more like, he rolls
up, you go to shake his hand,he
mistakes your gesture as an
advancement toward his balls and
begins beating you again.
Lighten up! You're trying to get
me all riled.
This looks like his plane.
Seriously that guy's like 10 and 0
against you.
Wayne Sexton's private jet arrives.
Welcome Mr.Sexton. We're all very
excited you're here.
Don't get too excited junior. I
don't want ya to shoot off in your
Ryan walks Wayne Sexton from the jet to the car. He
introduces Mike.
Sir this is Mike Moskovelli. He
will be driving you.
Holy Shit! You're still in my
brother's employment? He told me
you got a DUI at a go cart track.
Mike is polishing off yet another beer as rips around the go
cart track shit faced out of his mind.He is rubbing wheels


and swapping paint with little kids and parents riding with
their kids. Mike gets in a verbal exchange with an 8 year
old who was giving him the finger.Everyone is totally
disgusted with him and eventually he crashes causing a huge
go cart pile up.
It's good to see you as well sir.
That Go Cart track soon closed so
the case was dropped.
I'll tell you two dip shits right
now! Any of your shenanigans and
you're done here,no matter what
Charlton thinks of you.
No trouble here sir. We are at
your service.
As far as that goes I better not
find you servicing yourself in the
living room like the last time I
was here.
Sir that was actually my bedroom
that you just walked into without
warning. As I explained that day,
that was a workout video and I was
applying lotion so I don't chafe.
I have very dry skin.
You were applying that lotion like
it was part of your workout. You
need to lock your door. Your
behavior traumatized me boy!
Understood sir.
Enough chatting. Load up my shit
and let's go.
Wayne gets in the limo and Mike turns to Ryan.


Well I think we're off to the
right start.
Wayne's luggage is loaded and they head to the mansion.
                       MR. SEXTON (Happily)
Welcome brother. How was your
                       WAYNE (Dry)
It's good to be back in the
states. I was however surprised to
find these two chimps waiting for
me at the airport.
                       MR. SEXTON
I have had a talk with them both
along with the entire staff to
ensure your stay will be most
                       WAYNE (disgusted)
I certainly hope so. Ever since
the little one attacked me at
dinner during my last visit..
                       MR. SEXTON
I assure you everything will be
fine. Let's get inside and get you
Mike and Ryan along with a couple staff members are bringing
Wayne's luggage to his room.
                       MIKE (angry)
Figure out which of Mr. S's cars
this dick's gonna drive cause I
swear to God I'm cutting the brake
The scary thing is, I think he's
going easy on us right now!
                       MIKE (agreeing)
Oh he sure is! I can see it in his
arrogant eyes. As soon as Mr. S.
leaves this fool's gonna have a
field day with us.
He gets worse every visit.


That's why we need to discuss
those brake lines.
                       RYAN (calmly)
What we're gonna do is be as
respectful and polite as we can!
He's a jerk but we can handle
The way you're talking, you'd
probably let a dude handle your
Well he treats me shittier then
He does have a thing for you.
I wonder if he'll like have you
come up to his room late at night
and try to do something weird to
Listen. We're supposed to be
looking out for each other here. I
wish you'd stop routing for
something shitty to happen to me.
You're right bro! We're in this
together. Lets drop off his shit
and grab a beer.
                       RYAN (agreeing)
Beers are a must right now!
Ryan and Mike drop off Wayne's things. They leave Charlton
and Wayne in Wayne's new room.
Charlton is hanging out with Wayne as he settles into his
new room.
                       MR. SEXTON
If you need anything Wayne you
just let me know and I'll have it
brought in.


I just hope your people are up to
speed around here. I don't want to
have to micro manage these clowns.
                       MR. SEXTON
Wayne I'm very glad you're here. I
do have to ask that during your
stay you do not mistreat my staff.
That includes Ryan and Mike.
Certainly. I just feel as though
you've put them on too long of a
                       MR. SEXTON
True,They have had some moments
over the years. But brother let me
tell you they are loyal and
hardworking.I trust them.
                       WAYNE (Defensive)
Have fun in London Charlton. Don't
worry about me, or your people.
                       MR. SEXTON
That's just it brother, I do
Be good to my staff.
I appreciate your bringing me in
to your company Charlton. Trust
that I will be good to your
                       MR. SEXTON (Happily)
I hope that you will Wayne.
                                         FADE OUT
Wednesday morning. Mike, Ryan and Mr. Sexton are in the limo
taking Mr.Sexton to his departing flight for London.
Boss are you sure you don't wanna
just stay ? It looked like you and
brother Hitler were having a good
time catching up?


                       MR. SEXTON
We talked about this Mike! Be nice
to Wayne.
Sir you Know I'll be fine. For
you... I'm just worried he's gonna
put the little fella here in the
                       MR. SEXTON
Fear not little one.I've spoken
with my brother and there are to
be no more beatings.
Sir enjoy your time in London and
rest assured every things going to
just fine here.
                       MR. SEXTON
Thank you Ryan. You guys are in
good hands with Wayne.
                       MIKE (abruptly)
Unfortunately those good hands
usually end up wrapped around
shorties' windpipe!
Mike and Ryan leave Mr. Sexton at his plane and depart for
                       RYAN (sadly)
This really sucks. He's such a
great guy.
Calm down honey bunch, we don't
have any of your lotion on hand.
It just sucks that things were
going well and now Charlton leaves
and we are left dangling.
Staying off Wayne's radar is vital
for us. We'll keep it low key. Mr.
S will realize London sucks and
be back in no time.


                       RYAN (sarcastically)
Staying off the radar and keeping
it low key are your specialties.
Mike and Ryan head back to the house. When they enter the
house they encounter Rene.
Rene, how are you?
Didn't Wayne request you all to
be topless around the house?
Oh he might have mentioned it
amongst all his bitching!
Just then Ms Amelia bursts in and rips her shirt off. She
jumps right on top of Ryan.
                       MS. AMELIA (interrupting)
Did somebody say topless?
                       RYAN (muffled)
Mike and Rene pull Ms.Amelia off Ryan. Ryan gasps for air.
Rene continues talking.
                       RENE (continuing)
Wayne Sexton is incredibly rude.
He wants his socks ironed, he
wants his sheets changed after his
We know.
He seems to really have it in for
your little buddy here.
                       MIKE (agreeing)
I know. Now we got two people
around here looking to tear Ryan's
ass to shreds!(looking at
Can you try and make sure he
doesn't run us into the ground?


                       MS. AMELIA (agreeing)
Yeah sugar, you might want to see
if you could speak to Wayne about
how he talk to everybody. I can't
have my staff all in a huff....
Ryan is still gathering himself from Amelia's tackle.
I'll see what I can do.
                       MS. AMELIA
Baby you know if you take care of
my staff I'd be happy to care of
                       RYAN (gathering himself)
I will do what I can to keep Wayne
from torturing everyone but you
guys have to cooperate also.
Ladies, Ryan will handle it. And
Rene if you're feeling stressed,
my doors always open for back rubs
or bad decision inducing
I'll keep that in mind big guy.
                       MS. AMELIA
Baby, I know you're gonna take
good care of all of us.
I'll try. Lets just all keep our
shirts on and do what we can to
keep Wayne calm.
Ryan's cell phone begins to ring and he answers.
                       RYAN (on phone)
Hello sir.
Ryan I need to see you and Mike in
my office immediately.
Yes sir. We will both be in your
office right away.


Mike and Ryan say goodbye to Amelia and Rene and make their
way to Wayne's office.
Mike and Ryan are walking through the house on their way to
Wayne's office.
Man, Ms Amelia came bustin in like
the freakin Kool-Aid guy back
there. I thought you two kids were
finally gonna make it happen.
Yeah she came outta no where. When
I was pinned down under her giant
breasts my entire sex life flashed
before my eyes.
                                         FLASH BACK
Ryan thinks back on his brutal sex life. He is about 12
years old laying in his bed surrounded by National
Geographic magazines while he masturbates like crazy while
looking at topless aborigine women. His mom walks in
unexpectedly and is horrified, she yells out "I hope you're
not making a mess of your father's magazines" as he
desperately tries to cover up. Then he thinks of his high
school experience where he's wearing a back brace for his
scoliosis and all the girls are whispering and laughing at
him while he walks awkwardly down the hall.He approaches a
300lb girl and asks her if they're still on for Friday
night.This chick's so fat she's carrying a picnic basket
instead of a purse. She responds by saying it all hinges on
whether or not he's gonna have those cupcakes she likes.
Then his college experience where he's at a frat party and
he's about to get his first blow job from a young sorority
pledge but when she smiles her teeth are as jagged as broken
glass. When she goes down on him he sees on the back of her
shirt that her pledge name is Snaggletooth. Ryan is frozen
in terror
Are you sure it was a flash cause
you don't really have a lot on
your sexual resume. That "flash,"
might have been in real time?


Don't be a dick right now. Wayne
wants to talk to the both of us.
It sounded important.
Hopefully he wants us to pack up
all his shit and mail it all to
his home at the center of the
Lets just get to his office and
see whats up.
                                         FADE OUT
Mike and Ryan arrive at Wayne's office and knock on the
Come in
Mike and Ryan enter to find Wayne sitting at the desk
Surprising! You two arrived within
the hour.
You wanted to talk to us sir?
Tomorrow morning I will need the
driveway completely clear, as well
as a large parking space in the
Nice! Getting a new vehicle sir?
Don't either of you waste any of
my time wondering what it is! Just
make sure everything is taken care
of as I said and have it done by 9


Everything will be done as you
requested sir.
Very well then. We're done here.
Mike and Ryan leave Wayne's office and are walking outside
the house.
                       RYAN (angry)
Probably some really fast sports
I'll start digging a hole and he
can drive it straight to hell.
He always has to be so rude. Let's
put his car in that spot where the
roof leaks.
Is there a spot where it
I gotta make the arrangements for
the morning. You go check on the
garage space.
No problem. I'll meet you down
there about 8:45.
                                         FADE OUT
9a.m. the next morning Mike, Ryan and Wayne Sexton are all
out in the driveway in front of the house. A large flatbed
with a covered vehicle rolls up the drive.
OK, lower it down right here in
front of the door. Then we'll put
it in neutral and roll it into its
place in the garage.


Sir it might be easier if we just
started it up and backed it in..
Mikes a really good driver and...
                       WAYNE (Sternly)
NOBODY will drive this car but
me.. And now is not the time.
                       MIKE (condescending)
OK ! That's fine, we'll push it
right on in. No problem.
The truck driver lowers the covered vehicle down and gently
places it on the ground.
                       MIKE (Astonished)
That's fair! This guy just got a
Bugatti Veyron! And the roadster
no less!
                       WAYNE (proud)
I was on the waiting list for over
a year then one came available
right here in California.
                       MIKE (softly)
Well, this is the official home of
every rich asshole and his toys.
Quickly! Let's push it into the
Mike, Ryan and the driver push the Bugatti into the garage.
After the car is in, Wayne and the driver walk back to his
                       MIKE (pissed)
I can't believe they sold this guy
a Veyron Roadster!...
Don't they check to see if the
prospective buyer is already an
asshole, because something like
this could send him completely
over the edge.
This car is SICK!!!
Wayne returns from talking to the driver.


Sir, This car is amazing!
It's the King of them all!
Boss,you need to get this bad boy
out on the street.
                       WAYNE (agitated)
OUT ON THE STREET!...This car cost
over 2 million dollars. This is a
16 cylinder, quad turbo, all wheel
drive, 250 mile per hour, work of
This car is not for running
errands boys!
My great grandson will inherit
this car with less than a thousand
miles on it!
                       MIKE (sarcastically)
You would think if he just got
your charming personality it would
be enough.
                       RYAN (interrupting)
Sir, I thought this was going to
be your personal vehicle during
your stay?
I'm not planning on driving much.
Probably take it on a date or
I've got tall, dark, and
intoxicated here to drive me
wherever I want to go.
I'm honored sir.
Well, either way this is a
fantastic vehicle sir.
It is the best...
I don't want ANYONE near this car!
No checking it out. No coming
around it asking questions, and I
certainly don't want anyone


                       WAYNE (cont'd)
driving it for ANY reason.
When this bad boy makes its
initial voyage into town, I'll be
at the helm.
Understood sir.
                       MIKE (softly)
Calm down Columbus.
                       RYAN (interrupting)
No problem sir, it is here for you
and you only..
Make sure of it.
We do need to get you acclimated
with the guard dogs if you're
gonna be out here at night.
Yeah, we'll take care of that,
Listen, you finish making sure the
car is secure. I've got to go to
the office to take care of some
Would you like a ride sir?
                       WAYNE (sarcastic)
No, I'll just walk. We will leave
in ten minutes.
I'll bring the limo right up
Mike pulls around front and picks Wayne up.
I will be in meetings for the rest
of the day. Drop me off up front
and pick me back up at 6:30. If I
need you before then I will call


You got it sir.
Stop by the cleaners and pick my
shirts up on you way home.
I will pick up the dry cleaning
and I will be back here to pick
you up at 6:30 sharp.
Mike drops Wayne off at the office. He stops to pick up the
dry cleaning and then proceeds back to the mansion.
Mike arrives back at the house and he goes upstairs where he
encounters Ryan.
Did you drop our new boss at the
office OK?
I dropped him off at the office
just fine. I wish I dropped him
off at the hospital for treatment
of a severe beating.
I hear that.
Then he tells me to stop and pick
up his new shirts at the cleaners.
Sounds rough?
Yeah. I stopped and gave a couple
of his monogrammed dress shirts to
some homeless guys.
That's hilarious! He'll never
know... .


I figured those bums deserved
something after you took off with
their limo.
                       RYAN (agreeing)
That is true... Picking up the dry
cleaning is nothing though.
Wayne's got me doing a bunch of
bullshit.. He wants me to download
music for him? And Tivo all these
TV shows?
Maybe we should stop being so
Calm down. I don't like that tone.
Just grab your balls and meet me
downstairs in 5 minutes.
Mike leaves and goes downstairs. Ryan grabs his jacket and
heads outside to meet Mike. Ryan is horrified to find Mike
in the driveway.
                       RYAN (terrified)
MIKE! This is the worst of all
your ideas. You need to put this
car away right now. You are
insane. Put it back, Put it back
I knew you were gonna flip, but
listen... The cars got 2 miles on
it so somebody already must have
drove it. This ships literally
already sailed.. And besides that
we're only gonna take it around
the block at a more than
reasonable speed.
No. No Way! Just put that car
back before something shitty


It would be shitty if you missed
this ride.
Lets go!
Just around the block?
Its less than a mile!
At a reasonable speed?
More then reasonable.
Let's go, but keep it reasonable.
                                         CUT TO
Cut to a scene of a quiet neighborhood street corner. There
is absolutely no one else is in sight. All of a sudden a
screaming engine is begun to be heard. Mike brings the
Bugatti down the road at an insane speed. The car
power-slides around the corner. Ryan is in the passenger
seat screaming as if he's on a roller coaster.
                       MIKE (laughing)
This car is insane!
Shit like this is the reason your
parents would never leave you home
Mike and Ryan get the car back into the garage without
incident. They walk back into the house together.
You've got to promise me that you
won't take that car out again.
I'll blow his mind and pick him up
from work in it?
You're gonna end up blowing
somebody, in jail, if Wayne finds
out you drove that car.


I know. Its a bad idea... I
promise I won't drive it again.
I've got to leave to pick Wayne up
in a little bit.
                       RYAN (sarcastic)
Yeah get him back here as soon as
possible. I can't wait for his
next assanine assignment.
Alright. I'll catch up with you
when we get back.
Ryan goes back inside the house. Mike leaves to go and pick
Wayne up.
Wayne is sitting at his office desk figuring his day is
about over as Mike will be there to pick him up within the
hour. Wayne's secretary rings in and tells him that Randall
from shipping and receiving is there to see him.
                       WAYNES SECRETARY (on the phone)
Mr. Sexton there is a Randall from
shipping and receiving here to see
Wayne is on his computer looking at a bank account he has
recently opened. The account contains well over a million
                       WAYNE (aggravated)
Amanda you know I don't see
employees without an appointment!
                       WAYNES SECRETARY
I apologize sir, but he says it is
very important.
Alright. I'll make an exception
this time but don't let this
happen again!
Randall having over heard everything on speakerphone heads
into Wayne's office. He apologizes as he enters.


                       RANDALL (sincerely)
Mr. Sexton I apologize for not
calling first. I guess I'd grown
accustomed to your brothers open
door policies.
                       WAYNE (wise ass)
Well Randall I'm sure my brothers
door over in London is wide open
if you'd like to go tell him your
problems. Unfortunately I'm the
best you got here so, what's on
your mind?
Randall sits down across the desk from Wayne.
Well sir I'll get right to the
point. I recently came across
some documents for a large
shipping order that was cancelled
but accounting says the money was
still paid out. I tried to check
on who deleted the order but the
information was secured in a way
that required a password. I
figured no one would have more
clearance then you.
                       WAYNE (Calmly)
So you're telling me we are paying
for components that we did not
That is correct sir, and I think
who ever deleted those files is a
good place to start figuring out
who's responsible.
Wayne and Randall both stand and Wayne comes from behind his
desk to shake Randall's hand.
      (walking him out)
Thank you Randall for bringing
this to my attention. I will
personally handle it myself. You
will have nothing further to worry
Wayne has walked Randall to his office door.


Sir I am already so involved in
this I would really like to follow
it through to the end.
                       WAYNE (interrupting)
As I said Randall, You'll have
nothing further to worry about.
Good Day.
Wayne closes the door on Randall and immediately runs to his
desk and picks up the phone.
                       WAYNE (angry)
Amanda, get me Ziggy Dixson from
our IT department.
                       WAYNES SECRETARY
Right away sir.
There is a brief wait and then Ziggy Dixson, a classic
computer geek in his early twenties and quite the little
weasel is connected to Wayne.
You need to get your ass up to my
office NOW!
Ziggy is terrified of Wayne. He nervously pushes his glasses
back to their intended position on his face.
Mr. Sexton whats wrong?
Shut your mouth! Be in my office
in five minutes or so help me
                       ZIGGY (terrified)
I'm on my way!
                                         FADE OUT
Ziggy arrives at Wayne's office and approaches his


                       ZIGGY (nervously)
Hello Amanda, I'm here to see Mr.
                       WAYNES SECRETARY
He's expecting you. I'll let him
know you're here.
Wayne's secretary calls him and lets him know Ziggy is
Send him in Amanda, and go ahead
and take your lunch now.
Ziggy enters Wayne's office as his secretary leaves for
lunch. As Ziggy enters Wayne is standing and looking at a
wooden baseball bat mounted on the wall of his office.
Mr. Sexton, is there a problem?
Ziggy for the past five minutes I
have been staring at this baseball
bat autographed by Tony Gwynn, a
true legend, and thinking about
how I just want to take it down
and swing it at your head like I
was back in fucking T-ball. Now
you getting blood on my Tony Gwynn
bat would be a problem. And you
being incompetent would be a
                       ZIGGY (terrified)
Mr. Sexton, Wayne, what did I do?
Everything's running smoothly?
I thought so too dip shit! Then I
got a visit from Randall in
shipping and receiving. He's done
some snooping and found an order
we paid for but didn't receive.
Now I brought you in on this
little arrangement because you
were supposed to be a computer
expert. How does this man have
paperwork on this order when your
only purpose is to prevent just
such a thing from happening?


Wayne there was a problem in the
software I programmed and one
receipt made it through. I've
corrected the problem and I assure
you it can't happen again.
You're damn right, it won't happen
Nobody, including Randall, will be
finding anymore loose ends.
I trust that there won't be Ziggy
or you'll be the first one they
come for.
                                         FADE OUT
Mike and Wayne Sexton are driving back inside the gates and
down the driveway. Wayne inquires about the guard dogs.
So whats the story with these
guard dogs around here?
Well sir, they patrol the grounds
at night to deter any unwanted
I need you to make sure that the
dogs are not out tonight. I don't
need any issues when I return this
That won't be a problem sir. Ryan
can just call the security company
and they will keep the dogs in
Make sure he does.


I will sir.
Mike drops Wayne off at the front door of the house and
pulls the limo down to the garage. Mike is making has way
back to the main house to find Ryan when he decides to take
a little detour by the maids quarters. Mike finds himself at
Rene's, place.
                       RENE (hearing knocking)
Just a minute.
Rene answers the door and to Mikes delight she's wearing
nothing but a towel.
Hi, I could sense that you were
naked and just wanted to stop by
and see how it was going... Looks
Control yourself Mr. Romantic. I
was about to hop in the shower.
Whats up?
Nothing! I just wanted to see what
you were up to.
Like I said I was about to shower.
Do you want to come in and wait?
I'll just be a minute.
                       MIKE (joking)
I'll come in but you gotta promise
to keep your hands to yourself. I
got this new cologne and its been
driving the ladies wild.
Rene leans in a little so she can smell Mike.
Weren't you wearing this the other
day in the hall?
Yes. I was.


Huh, I thought it was some sort of
bug repellent.It smells like a
combination of cigarette smoke and
ball sweat.
                       MIKE (smiling)
It's starting to work on ya.
                       RENE (smiling)
You wanna wait or what?
Mike goes into Rene's place and sits down on her coach. He
picks up a magazine and starts flipping through it. Rene
heads into the bathroom. Mike notices that the bathroom door
is somehow open a crack. Mike peeks his head into the steamy
bathroom but can't see anything.
Ah, just a little peek.
Mike creeps further into the bathroom without realizing. He
starts daydreaming about being with Rene. Suddenly his cell
phone rings.
Mike fumbles his phone into the shower.
What in the hell are doing?
                       MIKE (terrified)
It's for you?
I trust you to come in and wait
while I shower and you end up
creeping in here with me!
You're an asshole!
                       MIKE (scare)
Rene,I'm so sorry.
Get out of here, NOW!
And take your phone with you!
Rene fires the cell phone at Mike as he rushes out of her


Panicked, Mike turns and runs out of the bathroom and heads
for the main house.
Where the hell have you been? I've
been calling you?
                       MIKE (shaken up)
Oh I was just hanging out. Then I
took a shower.
I'm starving, lets go get
something to eat.
Me too. Lets go.
Mike and Ryan go out and have quite a few beers at a nearby
bar.While they are out they get drunk and discuss how things
have been going with Wayne.
Wayne told me he had himself a
little date tonight.
Yeah, he had me put a bunch of gay
love songs on his i-pod. I think
he's gonna take the romantic
                       MIKE (confused)
Imagine having to spend an entire
evening with that jackass?
That poor girl is in for quite an
She sure is... I'll tell you right
now though.. If he brings that
chick home, we're taping it.
No, No WE"RE NOT! You told me you
were going to cooperate and be
cool and so far all you've done is
act nuts. That shit with the car
was my limit. I can't take any


                       RYAN (cont'd)
more. NO!
COME ON! This is perfect. Wayne's
chick would make our 100th video
an instant classic.
I'm sure Charlton told him how he
caught us taping him before. That
bastard will be on the lookout!
Besides I'm too drunk to be in the
closet with a video camera.
Don't worry about too drunk. We'll
figure something out.
I hope so because I am shit faced.
Don't worry about a thing there
Shirley Templeton, I'll handle
Ryan and Mike go back home. Ryan passes out in his room
right away. Mike goes to sleep about 20 minutes later in his
own room. A few hours later Wayne comes back home. He parks
the Bugatti about twenty feet from the front door. Wayne and
his lady fiend are going at tit in his room when suddenly he
hears a noise. He gets up and goes to the closet. Wayne
opens the door and sees a video camera on a tripod filming
                       WOMEN1 (pissed)
My friends were right. Never go
home with the old guy from the
You are sick! I'm out of here!
NO! Not at all! This is...
Wayne's chick gets dressed in a hurry and runs out. Wayne
tries to stop her by telling her he wasn't filming but it
does nothing.


Hold on a minute. I can explain.
This is my brothers house and...
No, This is just weird! I'm
leaving now!
Wayne is chasing after his woman as she runs out of the
house. All of this commotion awakens Mike and Ryan. They get
up and go out front to see what's going on.
What the hells going on?
Wayne and the women are standing inside the Bugatti while
the dogs are jumping to attack.
                       MIKE (remembering)
Hey, you remember earlier when I
talked to you about calling the
security company?
NO! Were you supposed to?
Yeah. Wayne told me to make sure
and have you call the security
company and tell them not to
release the dogs onto the property
Then why didn't you tell me?
                       MIKE (mumbling)
Well, after he told me, I almost
saw like some partial titties,
through steam,on the way over and
it got real hectic . I totally
Wayne is now inside the car with the girl. The dogs are
still going crazy. Mike and Ryan know they have to do
                       RYAN (panicking)
Well we've got to go and control
the dogs and get Wayne and his
chick out of there. The dogs know
us so we'll be OK.


                       MIKE (smiling)
This will actually work out well.
I'm gonna show like a hero and
holler at Wayne's chick.
He's probably pissed enough.
Whatever! I'll figure something
out. Lets go.
Mike and Ryan head outside and begin to get the dogs under
control. Wayne is going crazy while his chick gets out of
the car.
This has been the worst evening of
my life and I demand you take me
home this instant.
You can walk your ass down to the
road, and call yourself a cab
along the way!
Just then one of the dogs breaks loose from Ryan's grip and
goes straight for Wayne. Mike and Ryan watch in awe.
Oh NO!
                       MIKE (smiling)
Wayne runs and tries to jump back into the car but the dog
catches him mid air, right by the ass. Ryan pulls the dog
off Wayne but its too late.
                       WOMEN1 (laughing)
That's ironic. You act like a
complete asshole and then your dog
tears you a new one.
Wayne is rolling around the driveway clutching his rear.
Goodnight DICK! I'll send you one
of those doughnut shaped ass


Wayne's date walks off and Mike puts the dogs in the garage
for the time being. Ryan is tending to Wayne. Mike brings
the limo around to take Wayne to the hospital.
                       WAYNE (hysterical)
Holy Shit! That dog tore off a
piece of my ass the size of a
We'll have you at the hospital
soon sir. Mikes bringing the car
                                         FADE OUT
Its early morning and Mike and Ryan are in the hospital
waiting room where they've been all night.
                       MIKE (smiling)
He actually said the chunk out of
his ass is the size of a baseball?
Yup. Those were his exact words.
Tell him the dog will autograph it
for him after the game.
                       RYAN (laughing)
This isn't funny. Right now he's
as angry as can be... His car is
all shitted up and he's in there
having plastic ass surgery... All
he's thinking about is which one
of us he'll fire first.
Why do you say that?
Because its our fault he had the
worst night possible by getting
half his ass bit off!


No. I have already got us covered
my friend.
How could you possibly have this
You remember my friend Jerry, well
his brother Andy works for the
security company we use... He's
going to apologize and say he
brought the dogs, even though you
instructed him not to.
Why would he take the blame for
Because last year I was at a New
Years eve party at Jerry's house
and when I went to grab my jacket
from the spare bedroom, Andy had
that gay guy Phil from down at the
hardware store posted up like
Shaquille O'Neal.
He doesn't want his wife knowing
about something like that. No
matter what! He'd take the blame
for nine eleven right about now.
Its really amazing...Most people
go their whole lives without a
good blackmail story and you
manage to put someone in that kind
of unthinkable position once a
Hey, Its called the right place at
the right time my friend.
Well you'll be in the wrong place
in a minute. We've got to go in
and see Wayne.


Can't we just send him some
flowers and a nice card telling
him to kiss our ass's?
Cut it out.Lets go
Mike and Ryan enter Wayne's hospital room. Wayne is out cold
resting from surgery on his butt. They are shocked to see
Wayne suspended in air with his butt pointing up. Wayne is
naked except for an over sized diaper.
We have got to get a picture of
this! They got your boy face
down, ass up,prison style.
That ass swing they got him in is
I wanna put an apple in his mouth
and pretend like I was roasting
him like a pig.
Try and keep it down. He could
wake up any second
I love it! He'll be stuck here for
days! We should hire someone to
put this on canvas.
He's definitely going to want to
come home as soon as he wakes up.
Wayne's doctor enters the room to check on him.
How's he doing here doc?
Oh, Mr. Sextons going to be just
fine. The dog bite on his back
side was pretty deep but luckily
it was just flesh.


Yeah but he's probably gonna need
to stay here a few weeks for
observation, right Doc?
Actually, He'll be able to go home
as soon as he wakes up.
But Doc, we don't have any way to
keep him hoisted up like this.
We could hang him from the kid
next doors jungle gym.
                       RYAN (laughing)
If we hung him up out there the
staff would be out there beating
him at all hours.
Or, you could hang him in the
attic and hope the moths don't
Mike,Ryan, and the doctor are all laughing. Wayne begins to
wake up.
How are you feeling sir?
Well I'm hanging in a hospital in
a freaking diaper after having
half my ass bit off!
I know sir. Mike and I feel just
awful about that. The good news is
the doc here says you're going to
make a full recovery.
You and Mike are the reason my ass
is bit. I said I wanted those dogs
RESTRAINED. I'm gonna have YOUR
ass's over this.
The phone rings in Wayne's room and Ryan answers. The person
calling wants to speak to Wayne. Ryan holds the phone up to
Wayne's suspended ear. The man on the phone is Andy(Mikes


friends brother), who works for the security company in
charge of the dogs.
Well, the security company
magically took the fall for you
two.. Don't think for a second
that I don't think you guys didn't
have SOMETHING to do with this..
Now lets get me the hell out of
Doc, Are you SURE its OK for Mr.
Sexton to be mobile right now?
Oh, He's fine to travel.He just
needs to remain in this position..
As long as his buttocks remain
elevated and some waits on him
hand and foot. I'm sure your staff
is used taking special care of
Yes,My staff WILL be caring for
me! Just get me home and I'll be
Cut to Wayne riding in the back of the limo with his ass up
in the air. Charlton is wearing loose fitting hospital
scrubs with his diaper of bandages noticeably visible under
his clothes.
Hey, Do you guys want to stop and
get something to eat?
                       WAYNE (outraged)
Stop and eat? In my condition this
Jackass thinks I might be hungry.
Don't get yourself all worked up
sir. I apologize. I will speak to
Ryan moves up to the drivers partition in the limo to speak
with Mike


Stop and get something to eat?
Ask if he wants me to pump a
little, "Who Let the Dogs Out" on
the way home.
Cut it out.
Listen, there's a great Mexican
place up here and they've got a
drive thru.
Spicy Mexican food? Why not.
You're not the one riding with
this guys ass in your face!
Don't worry about it. He's got his
diaper on.
NO! Lets just get Wayne home, get
him settled and more importantly,
get him off our hands. HEADS UP!!!
A car pulls out and cuts off their limo, Mike has to lock
the brakes to avoid an accident. Wayne who was on his hands
and knees in the very back, comes tumbling forward and lands
on his injured backside.
                       WAYNE (in anguish)
AHHHH!! My ass! Get me up! Get me
up! What are you idiots doing?
SHIT! Sir, I'm so sorry are you
No you idiot! I'm sitting on my
wound. Get me back up in my seat
and get me home. Everything with
you two is a disaster!
Mike pulls the car over and he and Ryan awkwardly wrestle
Wayne back in his place on the rear seat. They arrive back
at the house and they help Wayne upstairs and into his bed.


They prop Wayne's backside up into the air by putting
pillows under his stomach.
Ryan I have a presentation that
I'm supposed to be giving tomorrow
morning to the heads of our
development division. Since I
obviously won't be able to attend,
I will need you to fill in for me.
This presentation is short and
sweet so even you should be able
to handle it.
No problem. You can count on me.
Really? Laying here with my ass in
the air I don't feel all that
confident. Anyways, the meeting is
at 10am. You will need to get
there early and print out the
information from my office
computer. I will give you precise
directions on where these files
are located. I don't need you
wandering around in there. The
last thing I want is you crashing
my computer.
I'll get there early and take care
of everything. I'am very
proficient on the computer. It's
no problem.
There better not be any problems.
I've had enough bullshit. Now,
notify the staff of my condition
and let them know I will require
their assistance for the next
I will make sure they're taking
care of everything. I will also
look in on you myself.
Now you two can both get lost. I
need some rest.


Mike and Ryan leave Wayne's room and are looking back at
Wayne propped up in his bed.
He's really go to be in a lot of
pain. Look at him in there.
I'd like to take a wooden paddle
in there and Reggie Jackson his
Well I've got to go talk to Amelia
about making sure they take care
of him properly. The last thing I
need is him bitching at me more.
You have fun with that. Remember
to wear a condom.
I should be wearing hockey
equipment but thanks for the
advice. Go put the car away and
I'll catch up with you later.
Fine, later.
Ryan goes to instruct Amelia about Wayne's care. Mike is on
his way out of the house when he sees Rene.
Rene,Hey, Can I talk to you for a
                       RENE (angry)
Don't even speak to me. I try and
be cool with you and all you do is
act like a sex crazed teenager!
No doubt. I'm an idiot. I acted
like a fool... There's no excuse.
The door was cracked and I was
curious. I had no idea I had
wandered in there so far. I'm so
very,very sorry.


How would you feel if you opened
your shower curtain and there was
a woman in your bathroom? Actually
that's a stupid question.
No, I understand what you're
saying. It was very disrespectful
and I'm very embarrassed.
Is it more embarrassing than that
morning we all found you passed
out in the yard with that blow up
Oh, thanks for remembering. I'd
say its definitely at least a tie.
If I forgive you,will you promise
to not pull any more weird shit
around here?
You have my word. The next time I
see you naked you'll totally be in
on it!
If there ever is a next time, I'd
better be. Now I've got to get
back to work. Some of us don't get
to do whatever we want around
Thank you! And you can always do
whatever you want with me.
                       RENE (smiling)
I'll talk to you later. BYE
Mike is happy he patched things with Rene. He goes on about
his business.
                                         FADE OUT


Ryan is heading to the mansions laundry room with a soiled
shirt. He seems uneasy about the recent escapades with he
and Mike getting into hot water with Wayne. He bumps into Ms
Amelia as he enters.
                       RYAN (very shy)
Oh,hello Ms Amelia. How are you
                       MS. AMELIA (happy)
Oh sweetie I'm just wonderful. But
its laundry day and you can only
imagine the task that is!
                       RYAN (looking around)
Yes, Wow, there are a lot of dirty
clothes here, and I hate to add to
that, but I just got this shirt
and already I've well you see..
Ryan nervously shows Amelia his dirty shirt.
                       MS. AMELIA (confident)
Oh honey that ain't nothin! I've
had draws down here that needed a
Thank you so much, Ms. Amelia
                       MS. AMELIA
Any time baby! Are you sure that
shirts all that's stressing you
out sugar? It seems like you've
got you some concerns?
You mean other then you hopping up
on me and snapping my legs like
carrot sticks? No, I'm kidding,
you're very sweet. I've just had a
lot on my mind lately.
                       MS. AMELIA
Ryan honey if you've got something
on your mind you can tell Amelia.
I've been around enough to know of
which I speak Baby!


I know you do! No, I just, I feel
like I should be doing more with
myself. even though, I have a good
time and life's not so bad.
                       MS. AMELIA
Ryan I understand you like running
with Mike and chasing girls and
driving other peoples car when ya
think no ones lookin. Those things
make a young man feel alive with
their fleeting brilliance.
However, my experience has been
that if you really are a talented
person and you don't challenge
yourself, you will always have
that unsatisfied feeling in your
                       RYAN (awakening)
Exactly! Unsatisfied by my lack of
accomplishment. Screwing around
has just become a bad habit.
                       MS. AMELIA
Ryan you have a fancy education
with your law degree. And baby
those are your tools! Test
yourself, everyday, at something
you believe you can give your all
School was hard. I guess afterward
I needed a break and just stopped
pushing myself.
                       MS. AMELIA (comforting)
Heck, someone like Mike will take
another twenty years to sort it
out. But you, you long to be
challenged right now.
Yeah. Mike would be sleeping on a
park bench if it wasn't for his
Dad and Charlton fighting in the
Gulf War together.
                       MS. AMELIA
Honey I love Mike. He's a little
wild, but, he's a good boy. Most
importantly he's happy. You need


                       MS. AMELIA (cont'd)
to find what makes you happy.
I'd like to think so.
                       MS. AMELIA
Well we both know you can do
better then shootin video's out
the closet.
                       RYAN (sincerely)
Thank you for talking with me.
                       MS. AMELIA
Gimme a hug and you're more then
welcome baby!
Ryan gives Amelia a hug.
                                         FADE OUT
Mike and Ryan watch the Laker game.
Hey. How'd your meeting with
Amelia go? Did you touch boobies
It went fine. She was very busy
with other staff people doing the
So you were able to get zero
Its not funny bro! One of these
times she's gonna get me alone and
I'm through!
One of these days she's gonna rock
your world. I think you should go
with it. The experience will do
you good. Its kind of like the
Jedi Knights.


Oh yeah, I know for a fact you
haven't seen ANY of the Star Wars
movies. So take it easy there,
"Handswhileyou're Solo"...
All I"m telling you is you do a
little working out before the big
race. Right? You need to knockout
some so-so ladies before you run a
hot chick marathon.
The marathon I'm running is for my
life... She could smother me under
Speaking of smothered, You're
going to be covered in good times
at Wayno's little meeting
Running the meeting is no problem.
Going into Wayne's computer's what
He's probably got a "Ryan must
die" screen saver.
                       RYAN (sarcasticly)
You have the best pep talks. Thank
you so much for always bringing a
different aspect of terror to all
my problems.
Lets crack some beers and calm you
down. You're paranoid... I'll give
you a ride over to the office in
the morning and we'll get you game
faced and ready to go.
Don't get too shitfaced tonight.I
have to be on time tomorrow and
your little daylight savings
excuse ain't gonna work this time.


I've got the daylight savings time
story on the shelf until the
"power went out during the night
pitch," stops working.
Just make sure you're out front
ready to leave at 8.
Got it.
Mike and Ryan leave in a Mercedes S550 for the meeting.
Thanks for giving me a ride bro.
This is the earliest I've seen you
up since everyone found you in the
yard naked that time..Remember,
you had that doll?
Listen you got your shit straight
for this meeting?
I'm ready to go. The meeting is at
ten, and I should be out by noon
at the latest.
Just make sure you talk to
everyone as though they were dog
shit on your shoes. That way
they'll get the full Wayne Sexton
Just be here at noon.
Mike and Ryan arrive at the company headquarters. Ryan goes
inside to access Wayne's computer.
Whats wrong kid? You seem more
shook then the first time you saw


Just shut up and drive!
Whats up?
Well while I was in Wayne's
computer I went into some files by
Well that's not right. You not
working the computer properly
after you told our beloved new
boss you were a regular Billy
Gates Jr.
Either way. I went into some files
I shouldn't have and it looks like
Wayne may be setting money aside
in an account of his own.
That's AWESOME! Did you print out
any of this incriminating shit?
No. I was running late for the
meeting and I wasn't even sure
what I was looking at.
I'm sure he's probably doing
something shady. You have got to
call Charlton and let him know.
I'm going to feel Wayne out before
I do anything. I'm not going to
call Mr. S with some false
allegations on his brother.
Even if it's not true, I'd be more
than happy to frame this guy.
Let me do my thing and we'll go
from there.


Do your thing son!
Ryan and Mike make their way back to the house. Ryan begins
feeling Wayne out.
Mr.Sexton, how are you feeling?
I'm still alive. Even though this
incompetent staff can't properly
respond to any direction I give.
Well sir, the meeting went off
without a hitch. I was able to
locate and print the info I needed
no problem.
Thank GOD! With all the direction
I gave a trained chimp could've
handled it!
Ryan lies to Wayne to try and get info.
There was one thing though sir.
Whats that?
Well sir, I spoke to Randall from
the shipping department. He had
mentioned some concern for orders
that had been placed and then the
order somehow disappeared from his
Disappeared from his radar? Those
guys down at shipping and
receiving are some of our most
We do have our issues down there
but Randle is one of our best
guys. He's been with the company
almost since day one.


Are you trying to ask me something
Sir, I'm just inquiring about a
discrepancy between what the
company has paid for and what it
has received.
Ryan I'll be back on my feet by
tomorrow and I'll take care of any
problems we are having in the
books. You just focus on not
screwing up around here. Any more
than you already have!
Certainly sir. You get well.
Good. Now find someone around here
to bring me something to eat. I'm
Ryan leaves Wayne in his room.
                                         FADE OUT
Ryan leaves Wayne and goes to seek out Mike. He is very
suspicious from his talk with Wayne. He finds Mike in the
So how'd it go?
He's always standoffish so its
hard to tell when you've hit a hot
button. But he wreaks of deceit.
He blew me off and told me to tell
the staff to bring him something
to eat.
Did you tell him we had some left
over rat poison the exterminator
left? Why didn't you just ask him
about what you found? I'm tired of


                       MIKE (cont'd)
babying this guy!
Because it is "What I think I
saw," I don't have any proof.
Well lets get some proof!
Lets take some time and observe
his behavior. Then we'll take
"Observe his behavior"? What are
you a psychologist? Listen, I'm
thirsty as hell. Lets go grab some
Mike and Ryan take the S550 and go out drinking.
Mike and Ryan are out at their favorite bar boozing it up.
They are sitting at the bar checking out some ladies and
talking about Wayne.
If he is stealing, I can't believe
he'd do that to his own brother.
                       MIKE (sarcastically)
Yeah, If it wasn't for him robbing
the place he'd be a lock for
family member of the year.
If it is true. I need to say
something to Charlton.
Mike is checking out a really hot brunette passing by.
I feel like you need to say
something to these honeys.
You're right. Look at that table
over there.


Ryan nods toward a table where these two really hot blonde's
are sitting. Mike looks over at them.
Lets go!
We're just going to walk right
over there?
Look, We go over this every time.
Just keep your mouth shut, be
agreeable, and maybe you'll get
some ass tonight.
Mike and Ryan walk up to the ladies table.
Evening Ladies! Hey me and the kid
here do a hell of a ventriloquist
act, you care for a free show?
The chicks start cracking up and Mike and Ryan are in. They
sit down and order a round of drinks.
So what do you guys do for work?
Well Ryan's an old guys assistant,
and I'm a professional race car
Wow, Have you ever crashed?
Not recently. but I wouldn't mind
bumping into that.
Mike is leaning over the table checking out blonde 2's ass.
They end up taking the two blonde's back to the house.
Ryan and Mike return to the house with the two girls. Ryan
heads to his room with blonde1 as Mike goes with Blonde2.
Blonde1 and Ryan are alone in his room.


Wow, I didn't know anyone still
collected G.I. Joe figures?
                       RYAN (nervously)
Well those I've had for a long
time and they're worth...
                       BLONDE1 (sarcastically)
Oh really? And how about these
transformers and these Star Wars
guys? Do you have any Barbies? We
could play together?
No, No, these are all collectors
items. Very valuable.
                       BLONDE1 (rapidly losing interest)
Are you sure these are cool
because they look like something a
teenager who beats himself wicked
would have? I wonder what Mikes
room is like. There's his racing
trophies ?
Mike made his license himself and
his room smells like a hamster
cage. Lets just put these away and
Ryan takes a Darth Vader doll from blonde1 and attempts to
put it back on its shelf. He has trouble reaching to put it
back and in his efforts he accidentally knocks a box from
the shelf next to it. The box falls to the floor is filled
with the filthiest Asian porn imaginable. The box of the
first porno Blonde1 sees has a girl shitting on another
girls chest.Ryan is terrified and he tries to quickly stash
the box of porn in his closet but as he opens the door Mikes
sex-doll comes popping out.
                       BLONDE1 (shocked)
Holy Shit! I knew it! Every time
we go out I always get the freak!
                       RYAN (terrified)
No wait. I had taken those away
from my little brother to prevent
him from being corrupted!


Whatever man. You and your movies
have a good time tonight.I'm going
to find my friend!
Blonde1 storms out of Ryan's room and makes her way down the
hall to Mikes room where she hears laughing and music
playing inside. Blonde1 knocks on Mikes door. Mike answers
the door with nothing on but baseball cleats and holding a
pair of barbecue tongs.
Hey baby, hows everything with the
                       BLONDE1 (angry)
You know your friend is a real
sick pervert! He's got real
I know. He's a cool dude,
sometimes.I apologize for his
ignorance, and mine,for not giving
you the heads up. Why don't you
come on in here and Big Mike will
cook up a little something for
Yeah come on in here!
Mike snaps the tongs in the air as Blonde1 enters. Ryan once
again has struck out while Mike spends the evening being
double teamed by the two girls.
The next morning Ryan wakes up all alone with nothing but a
hangover. His phone is ringing and Wayne wants to see him
right away. He dresses quickly and heads to Wayne's office
in the house. He arrives and knocks on the door. Wayne is
still ass up in his bed.
                       WAYNE (hearing knocking)
Come in.
Morning sir. How are you feeling?


Well my ass feels a lot better.
But my head's pounding. I just got
off the phone with the head of our
development team. From what I can
gather you must have opened the
file containing the older version
of the business plan. The updated
version is what you should have
                       RYAN (confused)
Sir, I followed your instructions
Regardless. This information is
vital. A new meeting has been
scheduled for today at noon. I
have already prepared your
material so there won't be any
more screw ups.
OK sir. I will get changed and
head back down to the office.
Ryan takes the material for his meeting from Wayne's
bedside. Wayne has been up walking and is now able to lay on
his side in bed. Ryan leaves Wayne and heads to his room to
change and he runs into Mike in the hall. Mike is just
wearing his underwear. He had just raided the fridge and he
is on his way back to his room. He and Ryan speak.
Ryan is in the hall and he speaks with Mike.
                       MIKE (smiling)
Why the long face amigo? Your
little filthy film festival didn't
go quite as planned. You're a
First of all if you are going to
store your inflatable friend in my
closet a little heads up would be
great, in the future. Second, I
just came from an emergency Wayne
meeting in his room. I some how
gave the wrong presentation.


My bad on the doll kid, but I like
to keep her ready to go and she
won't fit in my closet
blown-up.You've been presenting
the wrong shit a lot lately. I
told you that you didn't know dick
about women or computers!
Any way. I've got to be there at
noon to present the right info.
That's sweet. You can go back in
his computer and confirm your
No, I can't. Wayne printed out the
stuff himself so I'm not going
back in his computer.
I'll give you a ride down there.
Let me get dressed and say goodbye
to the ladies.
Thanks bro. You're a traditional
gentleman. See you downstairs.
Mike and Ryan meet back downstairs. They go outside and hop
in the S550. As they make their way downtown they discuss
last night.
Those chicks huh? I'm telling you,
when you just keep your mouth shut
we're golden.
Why do you always have to set me
up retard status?
You know you're my boy you're the
best looking kid in the fifth
grade.. You're 5 feet tall.. Trust
me dude, your only way into hot
chick territory like that, is as a


                       MIKE (cont'd)
novelty act.
Whatever. I'm just asking you to
use your perverted creativity to
my advantage.
You got it buddy... So whats the
plan for the office?
I figure his secretary will be at
an extended lunch seeing how he's
not in today. I can sneak into his
office and get back in his
                       MIKE (thoughtfully)
When I see you plotting and
scheming like a little weasel, it
reminds me why I started hanging
out with you in the first place.
Lets just hope I can get in and
out of his office without anyone
Good luck kid.
Ryan heads into the Cal-Cell office while Mike waits in the
Mike and Ryan arrive at the office and Ryan enters to handle
his business. Ryan is able to enter Wayne's office and look
at Wayne's incriminating files. Ryan tries to print them but
the printer does not work properly. While he is checking on
it he sees Wayne's secretary return from lunch. Luckily she
heads off to the bathroom shortly after returning. Ryan
sneaks out.
How'd you make out?
Yup.It really looks like he's up
to something. There were a lot of
canceled orders that were paid on.


                       RYAN (cont'd)
I couldn't get his printer to
They didn't have computers for you
to learn to work in school?
I need another shot! Let's get
some food and figure it out.
Mike and Ryan go eat.
Mike and Ryan return home later on that evening. Shortly
after their return Wayne calls Ryan to his bedroom where he
is still recovering.
Were you able to get things right
No problems at all sir. Everything
was smooth sailing.
It must have been very helpful
having all the material already
printed for you.
It certainly was. I was all ready
to go.
Now my question to you would have
to be, if you had everything you
needed then why were you back in
my computer again?
I was back in your computer sir?
Well Ryan, I have a security
program on my computer at the
office. It allows me to see if any
one has attempted to access my
files. It tells me my files were
opened today and you are the only


                       WAYNE (cont'd)
one to have my passwords...I know
you went into my computer.
Sir, I did go into your computer
today. I was double checking to
make sure I was giving the correct
Ryan to be honest with you, it
really doesn't matter what your
reasons were. The fact is you
going into my terminal is a direct
violation of our company's HR
policies. There is extremely
sensitive information in there.
Information that needs to remain
private. Because of these
violations I have no choice but to
terminate your employment.
                       RYAN (shocked)
Terminate my employment? Sir,I had
no intentions of revealing any
company secrets!
Regardless. You're behavior was
inexcusable. Its time we part
ways. Be out of here first thing
in the morning.
Ryan staggers from Wayne's room absolutely devastated. He
heads to his room.
As he packs Ryan reflects back on recent events. He snaps
out of it and see's his law degree on the wall. Taking his
diploma down and thinking about how proud his parents were
and all he had to look forward to. He knows he has to
straighten out his act.
                       RYAN (To himself)
I've really got to get it
While Ryan is packing his things Mike stops by his room.


Oh it went well. He fired my ass!
He found out I went in his
computer and he claims its a
violation of company policy.
He fired you for going in his
computer? That's bullshit!
Its reality my friend. He's been
hunting my ass since he got here.
He knows I saw some shit I
shouldn't and he's getting rid of
me before I tell Charlton.
Well just tell Charlton now.
Now? Without any proof? It'll turn
into a long distance, "his word
against mine" situation. And you
know bloods thicker than water.
Well then we need to get the
That's not happening. That
computer is constantly monitored
and Wayne's going to be back at
work tomorrow.
I've been giving that some
thought. I might have something.
You might have something like, an
STD, or you might have something
like, A PLAN?


Take it easy there Unemployment
Claim. It's a plan. And it might
Well lay it on me there, George
Amelia used to work at the office
before she came to work here at
the house. I heard her mention
once before that she still had
keys to the place. All we do is
get the key from Amelia and we're
Yeah genius, but what about alarms
and shit like that?
We go down there while the
cleaning people are doing their
thing. The alarms will be shut
off. We can just use the key and
sneak in behind them.
That's not bad...You know,if you
ever tried to use your abilities
for good, you could really be
We both know there is no chance of
Anyway,first thing tomorrow we'll
get with Amelia and see about that
Sounds good. I could really use a
drink right now.
Lets roll.
Mike and Ryan are satisfied with their plan. They head out
for another night of boozing.


The following morning Mike and Ryan head over to the maids
quarters to seek out Ms. Amelia.. They proceed to her door
and knock.
                       MIKE (looking at Ryan)
She's gonna think its Christmas
when she sees you standing here.
Lets just ask her about the key
and get out of here as quick as
That's rude. Sometimes your tacky
behavior makes me ashamed to call
you a friend.
Well I'm sorry if I'm a little
anxious right now. I lost my job
yesterday and today I'm visiting
the home of a very large woman who
wants to chain me to her bed.
If you loving Amelia is what its
going to take to get rid of Wayne
and get you your job back, I'll
strip you down myself.
Ms.Amelia answers the door.
                       MS. AMELIA
Boys, What a pleasant surprise.
Come on in.
Mike and Ryan enter Amelia's place. Everything is normal
inside except for there are pictures of Ryan all over the
house. There is even a photo of him in the passengers seat
of Wayne's Bugatti.
                       MS. AMELIA
So what are you two boys up to
Well we had reason to believe that
Wayne was stealing from the
company and when we went to verify
our suspicions he fired Ryan for
going in his computer. Now we need


                       MIKE (cont'd)
to get back into the office so we
can get another look at Wayne's
computer. I remembered that you
had mentioned you had a key to the
place from when you used to work
there. We were wondering if we
could borrow it?
                       MS. AMELIA
He fired my BABY! Oh, I knew that
Wayne was evil but he done set me
off messing with my little honey
So its cool if we borrow that key?
                       MS. AMELIA
Sweetie you just give me a moment
to find it and that key is all
Thank you so much.
Amelia goes into her room to look for the key. Mike and Ryan
follow her to her bedroom doorway. As she looks for the keys
the guys peek inside her room. She has numerous other
pictures of Ryan and a giant Fathead of him on her wall.
Bro, You look good up there. If us
breaking into the office doesn't
work you should become some sort
of model. You could do like
children's clothing, or clothes
for little people.
A Fathead of ME? Can you even
believe something like that
I actually helped her order it. It
was tough cause they had to custom
make the whole thing. They were
originally going to use some horse
jockeys picture and just paste
your head on. But Amelia wanted it
done right, Plus I said it was no
bueno cause I didn't even know who


                       MIKE (cont'd)
the hell the guy jockeyed for.
Do you ever stop to consider the
consequences of your actions?
It kills my reaction time.
Amelia finds the office key and returns from her room. She
gives the key to Mike.
                       MS. AMELIA
Here you go boys. These keys will
unlock the front doors along with
all the offices inside.
Thank you so much sweetheart.
                       MS. AMELIA
Now you boys be careful! Get what
you need to get my little Ryan
back on board.
We'll be careful. And we'll get
this back to you right away. Thank
Mike and Ryan leave Amelia's place and go to further discuss
their plan.
Mike and Ryan are in the parking lot of Cal-Cell watching
the cleaning crew enter the building.
Alright. Just like I thought. The
cleaners shut the alarm down...
Now listen. We do it just as we
I'm our team leader in there so
you do exactly as I say.


You as a leader? You are the most
disorganized and irresponsible
person I know!
I'm your boy right?
We've been friends a long time.
Then trust your friend. When we
get in here its do or die. We need
a leader with some real time
If experience means arrested 5
times, then you are our guy.
No need to go personnel file on me
kid. Are you ready to do this?
Just watch my back and we're in
and out.
Mike and Ryan get out of the car and approach the front door
of the office building. Ryan unlocks the door and they go
That was perfect. Now we just
watch out for the cleaners and
head for the computer. Where is
Wayne's office?
You don't know where Wayne's
office is, team leader?
                       MIKE (sarcastically)
Yeah Dick! I was here on bring
your driver in to work day!
Forget it... Listen, Wayne's
office is on the top floor next to
Charlton's. We'll take the stairs.


Shit. The stairs to the top floor?
What,you figured the boss's would
be in the lobby?
No. I didn't think this place
would HAVE stairs... You know I
got that trick knee?
Is that the knee you twisted the
time you dropped my ass from a
tree,twenty feet onto a car?
That car, was a soft top
convertible. And I told you that I
was distracted!
OK. Well try and stay focused in
here... The stairs are our best
bet. Lets go.
Mike and Ryan make their way up to Wayne's office.
Alright. This is it.
You're really gonna end up owing
Amelia big for this.
Maybe you could just serve her my
ass on a silver platter?
Easy there Too Short.Don't lose
your cool now that we're this
close. Open'er up.
Ryan puts the key in the door to Wayne's office. He opens
the door and they're in. Wayne's office has an area for his
secretary in front of his door. Mike will keep a lookout
from there.


OK. We're in. I'm going to get in
the computer and get what I need..
You keep a lookout here.
Fine. But talk to me like I'm in
Alright. Now if you see someone
coming just knock on the glass and
I'll get out of sight.
Just hurry and I'll keep watch.
Ryan heads into Wayne's office and begins to log onto his
computer. Ryan is surprised to find out Wayne has changed
his password. He goes back outside the office to speak to
Mike about it.
That was quick. Did you get what
we need?
No. Wayne changed his password and
I can't get in. We're screwed.
Did you try some other passwords?
It must be something he's into
like cars or dog bites.
No. I didn't try anything. If you
try to log in incorrectly it locks
you out. Then we'll never get in.
OK. This is no big deal. I've
dealt with this situation before.
You keep watch and I'll handle the
You're somehow going to figure out
Wayne's password with one try?
Don't worry little buddy. This guy
I know is a computer expert. He
taught me a universal password


                       MIKE (cont'd)
that'll work on almost any
computer. You just keep watch.
Fine. Go ahead genius.
Mike enters Wayne's office while Ryan waits outside keeping
watch. Ryan hears a little commotion inside but keeps a
lookout. Mike returns with Wayne's entire computer in his
arms. Mikes got the hard drive the monitor, even the mouse.
                       RYAN (shocked)
you do! Who is your friend that
taught you this?
He's a thief. Now calm down and
lets get the hell outta here.
We'll figure out how to access
this thing later.
Later? When we're in jail!
Look, this is why I told you I was
going to be our leader. This is me
getting the job done!
What the hell is Wayne going to
think when he shows up for work
tomorrow and his computers gone
He's going to think "Oh, I hope
whoever got my computer doesn't
figure out how to get into it
because I'm a thieving asshole."
Now lets talk about this outside.
Mike and Ryan start to make their way out of the building.
They head downstairs to the first floor. Mike is carrying
the entire computer system and Ryan is leading the way. As
they pass an office a cleaning guy steps out behind them.
Hey you two, What the hells going
on here?
Mike and Ryan freeze and turn to face the cleaner.


Oh Hi. We actually work for a
computer repair company and we're
taking this computer out to be
Yeah some freak downloaded
entirely to much gay porn and this
baby just froze up.
Usually they notify us if there
are going to be any maintenance
people in the building.
Actually this is a job we were
supposed to pick up earlier. We
just got caught in some serious
traffic. You know,"Big accident on
the 5".
I'll just radio my supervisor and
ask him what to do with you guys.
can't just let you walk out with
and entire computer system. I
mean.. You even got the mouse.
Where's the server?
Listen, sir, If we could just be
on our way I really don't need
anyone finding out we were picking
this up late?
Hold on a minute.
The cleaner radios his supervisor. Mike and Ryan discuss a
plan while he's on the radio.
Wow! Your bullshitting has really
improved. You were just making up
shit and flipping it out there.
We need to think of something


Well you could stop kissing the
cleaning guys ass like he's Dirty
Harry and we just walk on out of
No Dumb ass! He'll call security
and they'll swarm us in the lot.
The cleaning guy is done speaking back and forth with his
You two are gonna have to step in
this office with me while I call
security. They need to check you
guys out.
Mike and Ryan step into the nearby office with the cleaning
guy. He picks up the phone and calls security. He gets their
answering service instead.
Damn answering service. I try and
do the right thing around here and
they don't pick up... Ya know,
I've thought about robbing this
bitch myself!
NO, NO! We're not stealing this.
Its a repair issue.
While Ryan is struggling to find the words with the cleaner
Mike pulls out two crisp C-notes and flashes them to the
Wow bro, your bullshittings just
improved a lot more. You guys get
out of here. I'm just gonna clean
and do my shit. I've seen nothing.
You're a good man. Lets get going
Mike and Ryan hurry out of the office and make their way to
the front door.


Kid, that was a great job back
there on your part. Your bullshit
was so weak he showed us mercy.
I think I shit my shorts when he
was dialing security. And where
the hell did your broke ass get
two hundred bucks?
Oh yeah, you had left your wallet
in the car the other night.
You're unbelievable! Lets just get
the hell out of here.
Mike and Ryan get to the front door and they see a couple
cleaning guys out front smoking.
Shit! Two more of these guys.
Lets just walk right by them. They
don't give a shit. Plus we'll be
in the car before security gets
Its amazing how little you know
about how shit works... The
security guards call the real
cops. They'll pick us up down the
So what do you suggest there,
Lets duck in one of these offices
and we'll work it out.
Mike and Ryan duck into a nearby office. They begin to
discuss a plan.
Alright. Now we're stuck in this


Just give me a second. Every
things going to be fine.
How about if we go out that
Well the biggest problem is its
probably another 15 feet to the
ground from that window.
Its our way out. Lets go.
Mike and Ryan head over to the window to assess the
No way! I'm not jumping out of
this window. Its too far!
Listen, I'm going to lower you
down, and then drop you the
computer... This is the our best
way out of here.
If you drop me from this height I
could seriously bust my ass!
I'm not going to drop you and when
your hanging at arms length its
practically no distance at all
How are you going to get out?
You just get outside and take off.
You can pick me up down the
street. As long as these clowns
don't ID the car. We'll be long
Alright! That does sound doable.
But seriously you better not drop
me until I'm ready.


Don't worry, the last time I
dropped you was a fluke...
Mike is lowering Ryan out of the window and suddenly Ryan
has a change of heart.
Ryan is dangling from the end of Mikes arm hanging out the
window. Ryan decides he doesn't like this idea.
                       RYAN (scared)
Mike,seriously, pull me back up.
Its like another 20 feet to the
ground this was a horrible idea.
No way kid. Its like ten feet max.
You got this! Just drop.
No, No you gotta pull me back. Its
so much further then it looked.
Don't be a sissy. Just drop.
I'm not gonna drop. Pull me back
up and we'll figure something else
I can't. I've been holding you for
too long. My arm is too tired to
pull you back up.
WHAT? You are the weakest giant
the world has ever known.. Use
both hands!
Give me both hands! If you use
both arms you can pull me up!
Mike reaches down and Ryan grabs his other hand. It does not
work well.


Bro. This was not a good idea.
You're gonna pull me right out of
this window. Let go!
I can't drop from here.PULL ME UP!
I'm not shitting you bro. If you
don't let go you're going to pull
me right out of this freakin'
window. I'll land on top of you
and kill you for sure.
There's no way I'm letting go!
Just then a spotlight hits Ryan's back. A voice is heard
over a megaphone.
                       COP1 (mega phone)
Neither one of you two move.
You're under arrest.
Now we're totally boned. Just drop
before we both get pulled out the
window. I can Still run for it!
Ryan does not let go and he pulls Mike out the window. They
both fall to the ground. The distance isn't really that far
and they are both fine. They both roll around on the ground
as the police approach.
                       MIKE (gasping)
You little asshole. I splintered
four vertebrae.
Freeze. You're both under arrest!
The cops are putting the handcuffs on Mike and Ryan. As
they're arrested Wayne pulls up.
This is terrific. I'm going to rid
myself of both of you. I'll make
sure that you guys are cellmates.


Officers listen. This guy's a
thief. It's all here in this
You've both burglarized this
office and now you make
allegations of my behavior? How
dare you?
Wayne, How can you steal from your
own brother?
Just so you know, I wheeled the
piss outta the Bugatti. I ran that
rig around town like Laguna Seca.
Well let that be your final memory
of the good life. You'll both be
in jail soon.
Charlton Sexton arrives from out of no where.
                       MR. SEXTON
No one will be put in jail until
you and I settle some things
Everyone is shocked at Charltons arrival.
Charlton, What are you doing back
Sir, You're back!
                       MR. SEXTON
I received a call from an old
friend who was quite worried about
how things were going here.
Well brother as you can see I've
got everything under control.


                       MR. SEXTON
Things look to be very far from
under control. I have been
suspicious of you stealing for
some time Wayne. I have found
several instances of you putting
money into an account of your own
over in London also.
Charlton I would never steal from
you...And these two have been
nothing but trouble since you
                       MR. SEXTON
I went to London to see for myself
before I accused my own brother of
stealing. Between what I found in
London and what I'am sure is on
that computer you are here by
terminated from Cal-Cell.
Charlton, YOU'RE my BROTHER! I
would never steal from you!
                       MR. SEXTON (confidently)
Also there was you accomplice
Ziggy Dixson. The cops picked him
up this morning. He wasn't tough
to crack.
Mike and Ryan take the computer over to their car. They put
the computer in the trunk and get in the car.
Its amazing how things can be
looking so shitty and then
something wonderful like us never
having to see Wayne again happens.
Its just a thing of beauty.
Don't think I'm going to forgive
you for dropping me out that
window any time soon.
You're lucky that I'm not beating
your ass for taking me down with


Charlton walks over to the car to speak to Mike and Ryan.
Good to see you sir. Is everything
ok here?
                       MR. SEXTON
Every things going to be fine men.
I'm going to tell my driver from
the airport I'm riding home with
you guys and we'll be on our way.
Home sir. Does that means that
Ryans no longer fired?
                       MR. SEXTON
No. I think we'll hold on to Ryan
for a while.
Thank you sir.
Charlton tells his other driver good bye and gets back in
the car with Mike and Ryan. The three head back to the
Mike, Ryan, and Charlton are all driving back to the
                       MR. SEXTON
As soon as we get back to the
house I want you two to pack up
all Wayne's belongings and take
them to the airport.
No problem sir. We're really sorry
Wayne turned out to be up to no
I am sorry he was stealing but I'm
not sorry to see him go. He took
real joy abusing us. Especially
the little guy here.


                       MR. SEXTON
Well now, once you've got all his
stuff moved out you'll probably
never see Wayne again.
That'll be sweet.
                       MR. SEXTON
From what I heard,you two did your
fair share of damage to Wayne.
                       MR. SEXTON
Once when I spoke with him he was
in the hospital,dangling in the
air with his backside up...
Apparently a large piece of his
ass was bitten off because of you
Sir, THAT was hilarious, he was
running for his LIFE down that
                       RYAN (Interrupting)
Sir we were very sorry for that
miscommunication. We got him
excellent medical care.
                       MR. SEXTON (Interrupting)
Don't worry about it. I'm just
sorry I missed it. You guys didn't
happen to video tape it. You know
with your tri-pods, and ceiling
Sir we're really sorry about all
that. That video recorder was on
some sort of timer and...
                       MR. SEXTON (Interrupting)
Forget about that too! I don't
even want to know what happened.
Just don't let it happen to me,
Naw, you don't have to worry about
that sir. You should have seen it
though. Wayne's girl was a FREAK!


                       MR. SEXTON
You two gotta cut that shit out!
Well sir I don't think you're
going to have to worry about me
                       MR. SEXTON
What are you talking about son?
I've been doing a lot of thinking
and I'm going join my fathers law
firm. I need to settle down, maybe
start a family.
                       MIKE (shocked)
Are you sure about this buddy?
Being a lawyer and starting a
family? What about becoming leader
of the gay community?
                       MR. SEXTON (interrupting)
Well we are really going to miss
you around the house. You are
welcome to stay as long as you
Mike is turning the limo up the driveway of Charlton's
Mike, Ryan, and Charlton get out of the car.
Sir, What are you going to do with
Wayne's new car?
                       MR. SEXTON
Well Wayne had somehow leased it
through the company. I'm giving it
to my Employee Of The Year.