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Never The Less
by Ken Derrick (halfway_crook@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

A story about the "friend" in romantic comedies. While all of his friends deal with their problems involving women, Scott Ripsil wants nothing more than to be left alone to watch movies and TV shows in his room. However, some people need and depend on him and will do anything to help him break out of his rut, even if he doesn't consider himself to be in a rut. Unfortunately, things are going to get worse before they get better.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
The camera never moves nor does the shot change. Everything
is static. There's a clock beside the futon which is visible
to the audience. Right now, it reads:
                                                            
11:28 PM
                                                            
SCOTT RIPSIL, in shorts and a plain white shirt, sits on his
futon with a PS3 controller in his hand. He's not pressing
any buttons, which suggests he's watching a DVD instead of
playing a video game.
                                                            
11:36 PM
                                                            
Scott hasn't budged. The 'Angel' theme can be heard
emanating from the TV.
                                                            
7:12 AM
                                                            
Scott's still sitting, only moderately aware that it's
morning. Another episode of 'Angel' is playing.
                                                            
6:42 PM
                                                            
No variation from the previous shot except that Scott is
eating a microwavable meal. And a different episode of
'Angel' is playing.
                                                            
7:38 PM
                                                            
Scott's no longer sitting on his futon. Behind it, we see a
door slightly ajar. The sound of urinating can be heard.
                                                            
8:58 AM
                                                            
Scott's back on the futon, watching yet another episode of
'Angel'. Without warning, the phone rings. Scott reaches
over to pick up the phone and answers it.
                                                            
                       VOICE (O.S.)
Hello?...Scott?
                                                            
Without responding to the person on the other line, Scott
puts the phone down, receiver facing up, on the futon. He
gets up and walks out of frame.
                                                            
                       VOICE (O.S.)
Scott, are you there? I know you
are, you picked up the phone.
                                                            

2.

After a brief moment, Scott re-enters the frame, sporting a
baseball cap that says "NYPD" with a shield in between the
letters "NY" and "PD".

While rearranging his cap, Scott picks up the phone again
and places it against his ear.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah-p, who's this?
                                                            
                       VOICE (O.S.)
It's Kevin. Can I come over?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why?
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Just open the door.
                                                            
                                         CUT TO:
                                                            
TITLES & CREDITS
                                                            
                                         CUT TO:
                                                            
 
INT. KEVIN'S CAR (A TOYOTA YARIS) - NIGHT
                                                            
The Yaris, while being an infamously small vehicle, is still
capable of seating four people of varying heights. Right now
it is at maximum capacity without sacrificing comfort for
any of the four passengers currently seated inside.

In the driver's seat sits KEVIN COLSON, the only one out of
the four friends who isn't eating anything. Beside him is
CODY BENSON, who is currently picking at his cheese and
nacho combo from Arby's with a plastic fork.

Behind him, in the spot he has designated as the "Reverse
Shotgun" position, Scott is eating a baconator from Wendy's
that requires two hands to be eaten. His "NYPD" hat is worn
backwards to prevent it from interfering with his meal.
Finally, sitting to Scott's left is WADE FISHER, who's using
a plastic spoon to get at his frosty.

For these four friends, it's just another Saturday night.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Think of the situation...
                                                            
Scott starts laughing at the inside joke between him and
Kevin.
                                                            

3.

                       KEVIN
We're sitting here on a Saturday
night in a deserted parking lot,
eating inside this small car with
no chicks in sight.
                                                            
                       WADE
Well, we did say no chicks
tonight. That's why Tyler isn't
here.
                                                            
The group enjoys a hearty laugh.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Ah, that fat bastard's a comedic
gold mine.
                                                            
                       WADE
Or a laughing cow.
                                                            
Cody sticks his plastic fork into the nachos and cheese
until it's able to stand on its own. Then he holds it up
with one hand, presenting it to the people in the back
seats.
                                                            
                       CODY
Hey, does anyone want the rest of
this? I don't want it anymore.
                                                            
                       WADE
Why not?
                                                            
                       CODY
Cause it's disgusting. You know
how many calories that is?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Then why'd you get it?
                                                            
                       CODY
I don't know. Kinda just wanted to
buy something.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How are we supposed to eat it?
With our hands?
                                                            
                       CODY
You can use the fork, I ate the
food off of it without actually
touching it.
                                                            

4.

                       WADE
      (skeptical)
Yeah, okay.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whatev, I'll eat it.
                                                            
Scott puts down his burger and brings the nachos and cheese
closer to him so he can set it down on his lap.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (laughing)
You're not even done your burger.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So? Do you want it?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
No, I'm good.
                                                            
Scott offers it to Wade.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How 'bout you?
                                                            
Wade is finishing up his frosty. You can hear the plastic
spoon hitting the container.
                                                            
                       WADE
No, I'm good.
                                                            
As soon as he's finished, Wade puts the empty container into
the bag they're using for garbage and pushes the bag closer
to Scott.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You're such a douche.
                                                            
Wade starts to laugh and casually punches Scott in the arm.
                                                            
                       WADE
Hey, you're alright.
                                                            
Scott notes this for future reference but decides to let
this one go.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to Kevin)
So where's the party bus headed
off to now, Trent?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know.
                                                            

5.

                       WADE
Wanna call it a night? I got
some...handiwork...to do.
                                                            
Wade shifts his eyes on purpose.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, alright, I gotta be home by
eleven anyways.
                                                            
                       WADE
You got some handiwork to do too?
                                                            
Nobody reacts to Wade's comment.
                                                            
                       WADE
      (muttering under
       his breath)
Alright, don't laugh at my joke.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What was that?
                                                            
                       WADE
      (rapid-fire)
I didn't say anything, bitch!
                                                            
                       CODY
You guys wanna hang out again
tomorrow?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Weekday would be better for me.
                                                            
                       WADE
Or next weekend.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
We should hang out more than one
more time before you leave us to
go to hell.
                                                            
                       WADE
It's not hell for me. I like
school.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, well I like calling it hell.
                                                            
                       WADE
Okay, but why the rush? I'll
probably come back the first
weekend anyways.
                                                            

6.

                       SCOTT
Sure you will.
                                                            
Wade gives Scott the most serious look he can give. Eyes
wide.
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah. I will.
                                                            
Wade's hardened look breaks and he playfully punches Scott
again. Scott doesn't let this one go.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Stop punching me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Alright, so I'm going back to the
theatre parking lot so Wade can
get his car. Who am I dropping
off?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Just me.
                                                            
                       CODY
Yeah, I'll go with Wade.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Okay.
                                                            
The Yaris pulls out of the four parking spots it was taking
up and drives out of the empty parking lot.
                                                            
TITLE CARD: TWO YEARS LATER
                                                            
Same Yaris, different parking lot. It's just Kevin and Scott
this time, both in the front seats.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What'd they say?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
They're on their way.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Man, why is he always late now?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Who, Wade?
                                                            

7.

                       SCOTT
Yeah, all of a sudden, he pulled a
Tyler and started being
unreliable.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (laughing)
Yeah...
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Fucking everyone changed. Wade
only wants to hang out after 7,
Cody hasn't been the same since
his bitch moved in-
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (still laughing)
-That's his wife!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whatever, man. Everyone's fucking
different, you know? Even you.
                                                            
Kevin smiles. He knows what's coming.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh man, here we go.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Seriously, what the fuck happened?
All of a sudden you started loving
school and now you're all celibate
and shit.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What, I just don't feel the urge
to anymore. Like, it's just easier
to jerk off. Less hassle.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Man, I fucking told you everything
was gonna change.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, you did.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I fucking hate it, man.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (beat)
Well, way to bring down the mood.
                                                            

8.

                       SCOTT
I told you I didn't even wanna
come tonight. You shouldn't have
invited me. Bet you regret it now,
huh?
                                                            
Kevin responds with no hesitation.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Kinda now.
                                                            
The two of them start laughing.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So what else you been up to?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know. Been going to the
gym for the past month.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Jesus.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (laughing)
What now?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why you going to the gym if you
don't wanna bang chicks anymore?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know. It's something to
do, I guess. Plus, I'm not saying
it's entirely responsible but it
does play a factor in my new
attitude. Like I don't feel the
need to impress chicks anymore.
                                                            
An Acura pulls up beside the Yaris, cutting their
conversation short.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Is that them?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Finally.
                                                            
The two of them get out of the Yaris.
                                                            
 

9.

EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
Wade and Cody are getting out of their car. The four of them
meet in between the two vehicles.
                                                            
                       CODY
What's going on?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Not much. How's the wife?
                                                            
                       CODY
She's good. How's the hand?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Getting stronger every day.
                                                            
The friends share a laugh. It's not as hearty as the one
from two years ago.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So what's the plan?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know.
                                                            
                       CODY
We're just gonna chill. Catch up
and shit. Wade brought a frisbee.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
The "Sports Illustrated" one?
                                                            
Wade holds up the frisbee to display the "Sports
Illustrated" Logo, small, in the center of the disc.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to Kevin)
You shouldn't have invited me.
                                                            
 
INT. ARBY'S - DAY
                                                            
KEVIN COLSON is sitting across from Scott at the corner
booth next to the drinks machines. Their usual spot when
they eat here.

Although both of them bought combos and started eating at
the same time, Scott is almost done eating while Kevin has
barely started.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Her name is Melanie Wiesen.
                                                            

10.

                       KEVIN
Is she Jewish?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know. Does it matter?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
It sounds like a Jewish name.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So what if she's Jewish?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Nothing. I'm just saying, if she's
Jewish, you might have to convert
to Judaism.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What? Why?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Well, if she's one of those devout
Jews or her parents are, they
probably won't let you marry her
unless you convert.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Okay. Hadn't even thought of that.
But it's not going to be a problem
anyways.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What, you're gonna elope with her
or something?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, first off, I haven't even
met her yet so I'm not even
thinking about marriage. And
secondly, I don't ever plan to so
it's not gonna be an issue.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You don't plan on ever getting
married?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't plan on ever meeting her.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, just let it happen
naturally.
                                                            

11.

                       SCOTT
No, I'm never gonna meet her.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (incredulous)
Well, why not?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What am I gonna do, be like "Hey,
I saw your online profile and have
been frequently re-visiting it to
look at your photos. You're pretty
hot, wanna go out with me?"
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why not? Just go for it.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Cause chicks don't like that kind
of shit, man. They think it's
creepy.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So then leave out the part about
the online profile.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How else am I gonna meet her then?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know, just let it happen
naturally.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Nah, my plan's better.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What plan, you're gonna do
nothing.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Thus eliminating any chance of her
image being ruined for me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That's the stupidest thing I've
ever heard.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, that's because people can't
hear what their voices actually
sound like so you can't hear
yourself properly. Otherwise,
you'd probably say that after
            (MORE)

12.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
every time you spoke.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Do you realize how stupid you
sound?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I jus-I just explained how I can't
fully comprehend my own voice...
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You're excited about a girl you
don't know and have no intention
of ever knowing.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (deadpan)
I'm not seeing a problem.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why the fuck did you bring her up
then?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Because she's perfect.
                                                            
Kevin realizes he is arguing with a crazy person. Scott is
the crazy person.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
How do you know she's perfect, all
you know is what it says on her
online profile.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Exactly, I know just enough
information to be madly in love
with her without any of the
details that would otherwise taint
my perception of her and prevent
me from fully appreciating her
beauty.
                                                            
Kevin is dumbfounded.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (beat)
Are you high right now?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yes, I'm high on how perfect she
is.
                                                            

13.

                       KEVIN
So what are you gonna do, you're
just gonna keep looking at her
photos?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, why?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You're a fucking stalker, dude.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, I'm not, how am I a stalker?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You know things about her without
her knowing that you know those
things about her. That makes you a
stalker.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, it doesn't. A stalker is
someone who follows someone around
with the intent to harm them. I
don't follow her wherever she
goes.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So you're an Internet stalker.
It's still fucking creepy.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How? Am I fucking hacking into her
computer and checking every
website she goes to and posting on
the same message boards? No, all I
do is go on her online profile,
which she put on the Internet for
everyone to see. I mean, it's not
like I even went looking for her
specifically. I didn't seek her
out. Her name came up on that
"people you may know" list and I
saw her picture. So I clicked on
it since I thought she looked
pretty. And I was right. Now
because I keep looking at her
photo, that makes me a stalker?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
It makes you a creepy fuck is what
it makes you.
                                                            

14.

                       SCOTT
So what? She'll never know. I
never plan on meeting her so she
won't ever be aware that
anything's even happening. She'll
just continue living her life
until she marries some other
asshole and all I'll have is her
fucking online profile to remind
me of how much of a fucking loser
I am.
                                                            
There's an awkward silence.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (beat)
Have you jerked off to her photo?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (dignified)
I've creamed my pants while
looking at it, yeah.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What does that mean, like you
prematurely ejaculated when you
saw it?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, I do this thing where I have
her photo open in one window and
then I watch a porno clip or
something. Then, when I'm about to
go, I switch the window over to
her photo so I'm looking at it as
I bust. But I haven't jacked off
to JUST her photo.
                                                            
Kevin is speechless.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Wow.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oh, fuck you, man.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What, I didn't say anything.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I can feel you judging me.
                                                            

15.

                       KEVIN
No, I'm in awe. Usually, I just
cock it and pull it but you've got
a system.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, what do you expect, I got no
prospects.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What happened to that chick you
said you liked, Lindsay something.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Night rider.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Aw, that sucks.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Man, I wish I could be like you
and just not care anymore. But I
still do.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So why don't you go for this
Melanie chick?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Naw, man. The more I know about a
girl, the more likely it is that
I'll find something I don't like
about them and that'll be a
dealbreaker for me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That's why I don't even bother
anymore.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That means you're probably gonna
find someone soon.
                                                            
 
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Now we get to see more of Scott's apartment.

It's unimpressive.

A bare-bones, one-bedroom apartment with only the
essentials; TV, fridge, stove, oven, lights, toilet, shower,
bed, bath, beyond.

16.


The only outstanding feature is the staggering amount of
DVDs neatly littering the shelves and covered in a thin
layer of dust.

The TV is connected to a bunch of electronics but all the
wires are neatly bundled together. There are wires for a
Gamecube, a PS2, a PS3, a portable DVD player, a regular DVD
player and an external hard drive. On a small table sits a
laptop, right next to the 27" television set.

Scott sits on his futon in front of the TV. He's got a
microwavable meal on top of a plate that's resting on his
lap. He grabs the PS3 controller and the TV remote nearby.
Without getting up, he turns the television and the PS3 on.
Instead of a game, a DVD starts up.

As soon as the main menu is onscreen, there's a knock at the
door. Scott goes to the scene selection menu and chooses the
second chapter stop. Another knock at the door. As soon as
the video starts playing, he clicks the previous chapter
button to go to the beginning of the movie without sitting
through the FBI warnings. Then he pauses the DVD, sets his
plate aside and goes to answer the door.

He spends a few seconds just looking at it without moving or
saying anything. Finally, his gaze is interrupted by another
knock, this time in a certain sequence. The sound of drums.
Scott opens the door. It's Kevin.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Dude, guess what happened.
                                                            
He crosses the threshold without an invitation to prove he's
not a vampire. Although, it may also be because he's been
invited in before. Either way, Scott closes the door and
locks it behind him.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
No, guess.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Someone we know is pregnant.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What, who?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know, I was guessing.
Victoria?
                                                            

17.

                       KEVIN
She's not pregnant, she just got
kinda fat.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, I know. What a bitch. What
was your thing?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
HUH?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
The reason you stopped by.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh yeah. Here-
                                                            
Kevin pulls an improperly folded piece of paper from his
pants pocket and sends it flying over to Scott. It hits him
and falls to the floor.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
-read that.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You know you could've just handed
it to me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You're living in the past, Marge.
Quit living in the past.
                                                            
Scott picks up the piece of paper and heads back to the
futon. Kevin heads for the fridge looking for a drink. He
finds one and brings it over to the futon but remains
standing.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What is this?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Did you read it?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't want to, just tell me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
It's an email from Cassandra.
Along with a printout of the stuff
I emailed back.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright. So?
                                                            

18.

                       KEVIN
Do you remember who Cassandra is?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Come on, it's me, of course I do.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So you know what this means?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, um...OH!
                                                            
Light dawns on Scott's face. A smile forms the horizon.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh, now you remember. Good, I
don't have to tell you.
                                                            
Scott, interested, starts reading the page.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I copied and pasted all the emails
onto a word document to conserve
paper.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Figured that out already.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You done reading?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No.
                                                            
Kevin downs his drink while Scott reads. When he's finished,
Scott picks his head up and looks at Kevin in disbelief.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Hell yes.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How are you gonna get there?
You're broke and living in Boston.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Wow, thanks for stating the
obvious, Basil Exposition. I
looked it up, it's a two-day
drive, tops.
                                                            

19.

                       SCOTT
And what are you gonna use, the
Yaris?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why not, it's got good mileage.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's also a pretty faggoty car. I
don't think you're gonna win her
over by pulling up in that.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So, I'll rent a car once we get
there.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
We? Who the fuck's "we"?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Me, you, Cody and Wade.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
When did that happen? I never said
I was going with you. Plus, Wade's
in University.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah and New York's on our way so
we can swing by and get him.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How 'bout Cody, Victoria's not
gonna let him go with you.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
We'll convince her. Or we'll take
her with us.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How are you gonna fit five fucking
people in a Yaris for a two-day
drive to Los Angeles?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know, Scott. I haven't
planned everything yet, alright?
Didn't you check the timestamp on
the email, I came over here as
soon as I got it.
                                                            

20.

                       SCOTT
There is no timestamp, you copied
and pasted what you wrote, not the
whole thing. Oh, and which email
are you talking about? Do you mean
the last one here where some girl
you were close to up until two and
a half years ago said to look her
up if you were ever in L.A., which
you mistook as a fucking
invitation to drive there right
away?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
We had an agreement.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, I don't think she's gonna
honour your fucking little pinky
promise.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why not, it's only been a couple
of years. It's not like we made it
when we were little kids, we were
teenagers.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Do you know how many dicks the
average girl sucks within the span
of two and a half years?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't want to get into your love
life right now, we're talking
about mine.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oh, fuck you. I thought you didn't
even want to have sex that badly
anymore.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't. This is Cassandra, I want
to be in a relationship with her.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Did you even read what both of you
wrote? She was probably just being
polite, you dumbass, what makes
you think she still likes you?
                                                            

21.

                       KEVIN
Because I know her. I've known her
since we were kids.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright, fine, whatever. Do
whatever the fuck you want, I'm
just not gonna go with you.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You have to go, what if Cody and
Wade can't go.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Then they'll have copied me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh, come on, what the fuck are you
gonna do here? Sit around and
watch DVDs all day while
occasionally going online to stalk
that Melanie chick and jerk off to
her photos because-
      (imitating Scott)
"She'll never know".
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Get the fuck out of my apartment.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Come on, you have to go.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm serious, get the fuck out of
my apartment.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Scott, come on, man. I need you
there. You're the only one who's
reliable. If you don't go, Cody's
not gonna go with me and I don't
wanna drive all the way to New
York just for Wade to say "no"
too.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
And yet you're willing to drive
all the way to Los Angeles for
Cassandra to do the same.
                                                            
Kevin takes a moment to ponder this.
                                                            

22.

                       KEVIN
It'll be worth it just to see her,
man.
                                                            
Scott's starting to soften.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
She does have a nice rack.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So you'll go?
                                                            
Scott's turn to ponder.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oh, you could go with Mike and
Aaron. They're going to California
on a party bus or something for
some bachelor party.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why don't they just fly there?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I think the bachelor party's ON
the party bus, the wedding's in
California.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Who's getting married?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What am I, making an A&E Biography
about them, I don't know.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Well, I guess it's an option but
you still have to come.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (smiling)
I can cum right here.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Well, that's disgusting.
Seriously, you have to go, though.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'll go with you to ask Cody and
to talk to Mike and Aaron but that
doesn't mean I'm gonna go.
                                                            

23.

                       KEVIN
      (unconvinced)
Yeah, okay, we'll see about that.
                                                            
 
INT. MIKE AND AARON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
MICHAEL MALTA (22, Caucasian, short and stocky) is sitting
next to AARON PLENITH (21, African-American, only slightly
taller than Mike with curly hair) on a three-seater couch,
an entire seat separating them. They both have X-Box 360
Controllers in their hands.
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (to Kevin and
       Scott)
So you want in on the party bus?
                                                            
Kevin and Scott are sitting in a less comfortable love seat
adjacent to Mike and Aaron. Kevin is leaning on the arm
rest, trying to pus as much distance between him and Scott
as possible. Scott is leaning forward, trying to do the
same.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, how much is it?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Well, with you two, that brings
the count up to twelve so
forty-five hundred divided by
twelve.
      (to Aaron)
How much is that?
                                                            
                       AARON
I don't know. It's four-fifty each
with ten people. One sec, pause
the game. Get a calculator.
                                                            
Aaron puts his controller down.
                                                            
                       MIKE
But I'm only twenty yards from a
touchdown.
                                                            
                       AARON
Just pause it, I have to take a
piss anyway.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Man.
                                                            

24.

Mike reluctantly pauses the game and puts the controller
down. Aaron gets up and leaves to go to the bathroom.
                                                            
                       AARON
      (to Mike)
Calculate how much they have to
pay.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Okay, Where's the calculator?
                                                            
Mike makes some subtle motions to look for one. He comes up
with nothing.
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (yelling to Aaron)
DO WE EVEN HAVE A CALCULATOR?
                                                            
                       AARON (O.S.)
      (yelling back)
JUST USE THE ONE ON YOUR PHONE!
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh yeah. My bad.
      (to Kevin and
       Scott)
Alright, give me a sec.
                                                            
Mike stands, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a phone.
He flips the top up and starts punching keys.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Okay, let's see here, menu.
Tools...calculator. What is it,
four...five-zero-zero...divided
by...twelve, equals...

Three-seventy-five.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Okay, when should we get it to
you?
                                                            
                       MIKE
What day is it today?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Sunday.
                                                            
Kevin rolls his eyes.
                                                            
                       MIKE
The number.
                                                            

25.

                       SCOTT
Oh. Nineteen.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Okay, so that means we're leaving
on...Wednesday. Me and Aaron
already paid the deposit so...

If you want, you can just bring it
on Wednesday and just give it to
us before you get on the bus. Or
if you can do it earlier than
that, that's even better.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright, will do. Thanks a lot,
man.
                                                            
                       MIKE
No prob, Scotty boy. The more
people going, the less we have to
pay individually.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Right on. Kev, you wanna ask him
anything?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Kevin, what's up, man, you've been
quiet all night.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (shy)
Yeah...
                                                            
                       MIKE
What'chu wanna know? Don't worry
'bout the drinks and the
entertainment, we got that taken
care of. Hired a stripper for the
weekend, the bus has a pole and
we're bringing every kind of
alcoholic beverage you can think
of. And if you think of something
we didn't, chances are we have the
shit you need to mix it and make
some.
                                                            
Kevin awkwardly smiles to show his approval.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, that sounds good. Also, just
wondering, who exactly is going to
this thing? I mean, we don't even
            (MORE)

26.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
know who's getting married, so we
don't wanna intrude if it's all
his friends.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh, no worries, man. You probably
know some of them anyway. But even
if you didn't, you know me and
Aaron and we set this whole thing
up so fuck them.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright, so we know at least
twenty percent of the people.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, there's me and Aaron.
There's Tom. Eric-
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Which Eric?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Brudabaker.
                                                            
Scott nods in acknowledgement.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Max, James, Jerrell, Clyde, Marlon
and Leo. He's the guy who's
getting married, you know him?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, I don't. I know pretty much
everyone else, though.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh, well, he's this tall, skinny,
Russian dude. He's got a funny
accent but he's a good guy.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Who's he marrying?
                                                            
Aaron opens the door to the washroom, gets out and closes
it. He heads back to where the other three are located.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Tom's sister, Dani-
                                                            
Upon hearing the name, "Dani", Scott tenses up. Kevin is a
bit slower but realizes the implications as well.
                                                            

27.

                       MIKE
Aaron, what the fuck, did you fall
in or something?
                                                            
                       AARON
Man, I farted and some shit came
out.
                                                            
                       MIKE
You didn't get it on the floor,
did you?
                                                            
                       AARON
      (with an African
       accent)
No, I ain't no savage.
                                                            
                       MIKE
      (to Aaron)
Come on, I wanna score my
touchdown.
      (to Kevin and
       Scott)
Hey, you guys wanna play after
this game?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, we-we gotta get going.
                                                            
Kevin and Scott get up to leave, the relief evident in
Kevin's face.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Alright, cool, man. I'll see you
Wednesday.
                                                            
                       AARON
How much'd it come to?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Three-seventy-five.
                                                            
                       AARON
Nice!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright, thanks again. Later, man.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Later.
                                                            
Mike extends his hand to give Kevin and Scott props.
                                                            

28.

                       MIKE
Don't shake Aaron's hand, though,
his shit smells nasty.
                                                            
                       AARON
Yo, fuck you, I wipe exquisitely.
                                                            
Kevin and Scott laugh politely. Aaron tries to touch Mike's
face with his hands.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Hey, you gonna lock your door or
should we just leave it??
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah, just leave it. I'll do it
after this quarter. Later, man.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Layt.
                                                            
Aaron goes to grab his controller.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Are you sure that's your
controller? I don't want you
touching mine with your
shit-smelling hands.
                                                            
Kevin and Scott exit the apartment and shut the door behind
them.
                                                            
 
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
                                                            
Kevin starts walking as fast as he can towards the exit.
Scott catches up and they begin walking and talking so fast,
Aaron Sorkin would be proud.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Did you hear what he said?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, ten guys and one stripper,
what kind of gang bang is that
shit?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, about Dani.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
How do you even know it's the same
one?
                                                            

29.

                       SCOTT
Because that's how great my life's
been. Plus, he said it was Tom's
sister.
                                                            
They arrive at the elevator and press the button to call it
up.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So what if it is her, you broke up
with her like three years ago.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah. And we only went out for
three months.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Okay, so? All the more reason why
this shouldn't affect you.
                                                            
The elevator arrives. Luckily, it's empty. They head inside
and press the button to go to the ground floor.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
She was my first and only
girlfriend.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That's one more than me.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That's because you chose not to
have one. You could've had tons of
chicks, a couple of them even
asked YOU out.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What's with this "tons of chicks"?
It was one girl and she wasn't fat
enough to be considered tons of
them.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm not in the mood for your jokes
right now.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Then explain to me what the
problem is.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
The problem is, I've been wanting
a girlfriend for the better part
of my life and after seventeen
            (MORE)

30.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
years of waiting, it finally
happens. But it only lasted for
three fucking months.
                                                            
The elevator doors open, they step through and continue
their conversation while walking through the lobby, also
conveniently empty.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Three months and within a year of
breaking up with me, she meets
someone else. And within a year of
that, she's fucking marrying him?
Like what the fuck am I, "Good
Luck Chuck"? No, wait, I'm not
even that cause I never fucked
her.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
The boys are outside heading towards the Yaris.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Look, it's not always gonna be
like that. Sometimes some
relationships are shorter and
sometimes they're longer.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So are fucking dicks but either
way, they still make me
uncomfortable. That's what my
whole fucking life is, just being
around a whole bunch of shit that
makes me uncomfortable. I'm not
gonna add another one by taking a
two-day trip to Los Angeles with
the jackass she's marrying.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
We don't even have to go with them
to Los Angeles. We can save
ourselves a couple of hundred and
just drive there ourselves.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That's not the point. I don't want
to be in L.A. while she's there
getting married.
                                                            

31.

They finally find the car and get in. Kevin in the driver's
seat, Scott riding shotgun.
                                                            
 
INT. KEVIN'S CAR (A TOYOTA YARIS) - NIGHT
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why not? It's not like you're
invited to the wedding.
                                                            
Kevin starts up the car and begins pulling out of the
parking spot.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Think of the situation: you're
gonna be out somewhere with
Cassandra, catching up, having a
good time, with the possibility
that you may in fact stick your
dick inside of her.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
It's not even about that.
                                                            
They exit the parking lot and get onto the main road,
driving to Scott's apartment.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whatever, alright. The point is,
while you're out having fun, my
first and only girlfriend in my
entire miserable existence is
gonna be a fucking car ride away
getting married to some Russian
ass clown while I'm sitting in
some fucking motel room waiting
for you to come back so you can
drive me home. So rather than ruin
YOUR fun, it's better if I just
stay home altogether.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I already explained why I need you
on this trip, man. You said it
before, what if she doesn't like
me anymore? Do you think I'm gonna
be able to make that long,
depressing ride home all by
myself?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Look, getting rejected by a girl
you never had is way fucking
better than HAVING the girl,
            (MORE)

32.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
coming this close to loving her
and then losing her. Trust me,
you'll be fine afterwards.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Well, yeah, I guess, but still,
it'd be better to have a friend
along. Makes the trip go by
faster.
                                                            
Scott's struggling to maintain his composure.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't think I can do it, man.
It's just too fucked up for me.
I'm not like you, I'm weak. I try
and I try and then shit like this
happens and it's just fucking
depressing.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (beat)
If you want, we can crash their
wedding. You can fuck her
bridesmaids or something.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Naw, her sister's not that great
and pretty much all of her friends
look like shit. That's why she
became so popular after we broke
up, she just kept hanging around a
bunch of dudes and a few ugly
girls so she was always the
prettiest one there.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That's actually pretty smart.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, whores are usually smart
when it comes to shit like that.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't think she had sex with all
those guys, though.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
With me, it's not just the
quantity, man, it's the quality.
No matter who or what she did
before this moment in time, it
still ends with her marrying and
            (MORE)

33.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
most likely fucking that Leo guy.
And just from the description Mike
gave me, I already hate his
fucking guts and everything around
them. So she's tainted forever.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (reluctantly
       agreeing)
I guess...
                                                            
Scott starts staring out the window, thinking.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (beat)
Will you still come with me to
talk to Cody tomorrow?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, I guess.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
We'll figure something out. I need
you there with me, Scott.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why? Am I the ugly friend who
makes you better-looking?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Not just that. No matter which way
it goes down, good or bad, it just
wouldn't feel right not being able
to talk about it with you
afterwards.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You could just call or go on MSN
or something.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
It's not the same. When it's
face-to-face, you get the full
effect of what you're saying and
you make all these funny
observations and shit that you
don't get on MSN. And with the
phone, the long-distance charges
would be a bitch. Plus, I don't
like using it anyways.
                                                            

34.

                       SCOTT
So that's the real reason you want
me to go? You want to do our
version of the fucking "Hills
Aftershow"?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
HUH?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You don't know what that is?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (offended)
No!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's a show after "The Hills"
where they talk about what
happened in that episode that just
aired.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Who talks about it, the people on
the show?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, some random douchebags from
MTV.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
And how do you know all this?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Because while Dani was out getting
drunk and banging tall, skinny,
Russian dudes, I was at home
flipping through channels and
watched the last ten minutes of
"The Hills" waiting for something
to jerk off to. Then that
aftershow came on and I lost my
stiffy.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Wow, way to kill the mood.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, I know. Those bastards.
                                                            
They finally arrive at Scott's apartment. Scott unbuckles
his seatbelt and opens the passenger side door.
                                                            

35.

                       KEVIN
Hey, hold up, you're still coming
with me to talk to Cody, right?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, yeah.
                                                            
Kevin tries speaking fast to trick Scott into saying he'll
go with him to L.A.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
And you're going with me to Los
Angeles, right?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Nope.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Damn it.
                                                            
Scott walks away, smiling.
                                                            
 
INT. CODY'S PLACE - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: MONDAY THE 20TH
                                                            
Cody and his wife, VICTORIA, are living in a closed off
basement below a family of four. The sounds of two little
bastard boys running around constantly can be heard without
pause.

Kevin is sitting on a love seat by himself. Scott is beside
him, leaning his ass on the armrest of the love seat. The
adjacent chair is filled by Cody. Victoria is moving around
in the kitchen behind them, preparing refreshments.
                                                            
                       CODY
Yeah, I'm not going.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why not?
                                                            
                       CODY
      (to Victoria)
Honey, can you please explain to
Kevin why I can't go?
                                                            
Victoria pipes in from the kitchen.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA (O.S.)
He's not going!
                                                            

36.

                       KEVIN
      (to Victoria)
Why not?
                                                            
Victoria walks over to the boys and sets down a plate full
of cookies and three popcans; a root beer for Scott, a Pepsi
for Cody and a Dr. Pepper for Kevin.

Scott immediately grabs his root beer and a cookie.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Because I said so.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
But I need him to go. Plus, it's
only for three or four days, tops.
                                                            
Victoria walks over to Cody and positions herself on his
lap, one arm wrapped around him. He instinctively throws
both of his arms around her waist.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Well, in case you hadn't noticed,
we're living in a fucking
basement. We can't afford it.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Afford what? We're gonna drive
there, split the gas and stay at a
motel. That'll be like no more
than two hundred something
including the food.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Two hundred something so you can
go to Los Angeles to get laid?
                                                            
Kevin is tired of having to explain this to people.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh my God, this isn't about that.
This is Cassandra!
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Why are you saying her name as if
I know who the fuck she is?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why am I even talking to you,
Cody's the one I want to go with
me.
                                                            

37.

Victoria's about to respond to the offending remark but Cody
cuts her off.
                                                            
                       CODY
Sorry, man. I don't even really
wanna go.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Is that what you'd be saying even
if she wasn't here?
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Stop acting like I'm not, you
jackass.
                                                            
                       CODY
It's what I'd be saying as long as
I want to keep her happy. Which I
do.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (to Scott)
Hey, Scott, do you hear that? It
sounds like the sound of a pussy
whip being cracked against Cody's
testicles.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why do you know what that would
sound like?
                                                            
Kevin is not amused.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You're supposed to be helping me.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (disinterested)
Oh yeah. Come on, Cody. Come with
us and don't have sex for four
days.
                                                            
Cody and Victoria smile. Scott's on their side.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Damn it, Scott. You're not
helping.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm sorry I failed you master.
Please forgive your young padawan.
                                                            

38.

                       KEVIN
Okay, look, I'm gonna say it one
last time. Cassanda Fucking
Miller. Will you help me get her?
                                                            
                       CODY
I can't, man. I'm sorry. We're
strapped for cash.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What if I pay for you?
                                                            
Cody mulls it over for a moment.
                                                            
                       CODY
Both of us?
                                                            
He motions to him and Victoria.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Does she have to come too?
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
You're not leaving me here alone
with those little bastards
upstairs.
                                                            
Cody gives Kevin a look that tells him it's necessary that
she join them.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (through gritted
       teeth)
Fine. But just know that I fucking
hate both of you.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What about me?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Fuck you, you're not even going.
                                                            
                       CODY
Wait, you're not?
                                                            
Scott is pissed that Kevin revealed this information.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to Kevin)
You were pissed about all those
guys having a bachelor party with
one stripper, you don't have a
problem with four dudes and one
            (MORE)

39.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
girl?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
She's his fucking wife.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
And I'm not a whore.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oh yeah? How many dudes did you
three-point fuck before Cody?
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Three-point what?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oral, Anal, Vaginal.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
      (to Cody)
I don't know if I can stand four
days with your friends.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's alright, I'm not going.
                                                            
                       CODY
Why not?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Because his ex-girlfriend is
getting married in L.A.
                                                            
                       CODY
Who, Dani?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah. That bachelor party thing is
for her soon-to-be husband.
                                                            
                       CODY
Who is it?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Some Russian guy, Leo something.
                                                            
                       CODY
And that's the only reason you're
not going?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah. Why?
                                                            

40.

                       CODY
Cause it's not a very good one.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Oh and the "I'm poor" thing is
such a good excuse?
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Who's this "Dani" girl, anyways?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Some chick he went out with for
three months, a few years ago.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Then what's so special about her?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
She was my first and only
girlfriend.
                                                            
                       CODY
So the fuck what? Get over it,
dude.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (caustic)
Oh gee, when you put it that
way...
                                                            
                       CODY
So you're really not gonna go JUST
because of her?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That and the fact that I don't
really want to.
                                                            
                       CODY
Wow, that's really gay.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You said the same thing five
minutes ago.
                                                            
                       CODY
I'm going now, aren't I?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whatever, you guys will be fine
without me. Plus, Victoria can
take my place.
                                                            

41.

                       KEVIN
She's not funny at all.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Fuck you, I'm funny.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Maybe funny-looking when you've
got Cody's cum on your face.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Asshole.
      (to Cody)
I'm funny, aren't I?
                                                            
                       CODY
Hilarious.
                                                            
The couple share a kiss.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (to Scott)
You're seriously gonna leave me
alone with these two?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Wade'll probably join you in New
York.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Still. The ride over there is
gonna suck. And so will she.
Cody's dick.
      (brief pause)
She's gonna suck Cody's dick-
                                                            
                       CODY
We got it.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
      (to Kevin)
Fuck you! You're such a loser, you
have to drive all the way to Los
Angeles where all the easiest
girls live just for the CHANCE to
even get with a girl.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Naw, he's changed. He doesn't care
about getting chicks, he'd rather
just jerk off. Less hassle.
                                                            

42.

                       KEVIN
      (to Scott)
I hate you.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So then I'm doing you a favour by
not going.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You're an asshole.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (upbeat)
You're welcome.
                                                            
 
INT. WADE'S DORM ROOM - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: TUESDAY THE 21ST
                                                            
Wade is on his laptop listening to "Waterloo Sunset" by The
Kinks. He's got a phone held to his ear as he browses his
computer.
                                                            
                       WADE
So what time are you gonna be
here?...Around 1:30 to 2?...How
long you guys staying?...Why, what
are you gonna ask me?...Well, why
don't you just ask me
now?...Gay...So, who's with
you?...Why is she
coming?...Geez...Well, why isn't
Scott coming?...Who's she getting
married to?...And the wedding's
next week?...What about Tyler, why
didn't he go?...Pfft, what a
jabrone...Okay, fine, whatever,
just call when you're here.
Teresa's coming to visit too but
she'll be here before you so we
can all hang out later, when you
get here...No, it won't be awkward
with just the five of us...Well,
it's not my fault Scott didn't go
with you...Whatever, okay, we'll
decide what to do later, I've
gotta go get ready for
Teresa...Yeah, yeah, bye.
                                                            
Wade hangs up the phone and stands up. He glances at the
clock on top of a shelf displaying the time: 11:37.
                                                            

43.

                       WADE
Ehh, I have time.
                                                            
He sits back down and continues playing with his laptop.
                                                            
 
EXT. NEW YORK UNIVERSITY CAMPUS - DAY
                                                            
TERESA MORGAN looks apprehensive walking towards Wade's
dormitory. She's carrying a purse in one arm, a bag in the
other, while simultaneously using her purse arm to pull
along a rolling suitcase.

Taking a deep breath, she crosses the threshold and makes
her way into the building.
                                                            
 
INT. WADE'S DORMITORY - DAY
                                                            
Teresa moves towards the elevator and lets go of her
suitcase to push the button. After a few seconds, the door
opens to reveal Wade. He smiles as soon as he sees her.
                                                            
                       WADE
Terry, you made it! I was just
coming to get you.
                                                            
                       TERESA
Hey, yeah I did. You won't believe
what I had to go through to get
here.
                                                            
Wade moves forward to bring the suitcase into the elevator.
Teresa comes in after him followed by some guy who also
lives in this dorm. Wade stops him as he's coming in.
                                                            
                       WADE
Hey, buddy, can you take the next
one? Thanks.
                                                            
Wade gives the guy a look that tells him he's trying to get
with this girl. The guy understands immediately and steps
out of the elevator. The door closes leaving Wade alone with
Teresa, both of them facing forward.
                                                            
                       WADE
It's really good to see you.
                                                            
                       TERESA
Yeah, you too.
                                                            

44.

                       WADE
      (beat)
Something wrong?
                                                            
                       TERESA
No.
                                                            
She's lying.
                                                            
                       WADE
So how you been?
                                                            
Teresa turns to face Wade.
                                                            
                       TERESA
There's something I need to talk
to you about. Once we get in your
room.
                                                            
Wade turns to face her too.
                                                            
                       WADE
      (hopeful)
Is it something good?
                                                            
Teresa doesn't say anything. She goes back to facing
forward. Wade gulps.
                                                            
                       WADE
You've met someone, haven't you?
                                                            
                       TERESA
I'll explain when we get to your
room.
                                                            
                       WADE
Shit.
                                                            
 
INT. WADE'S DORM ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Teresa is sitting on Wade's bed, her luggage was left near
the door for a quick getaway. Wade is standing, trying to
keep a certain level of distance away from her.
                                                            
                       WADE
What's his name?
                                                            
                       TERESA
James. But I call him "Jamie". We
have a few classes together and I
always thought he was cute.
                                                            

45.

                       WADE
Is it the James I know?
                                                            
                       TERESA
No, his name's Jamie Miller.
                                                            
                       WADE
Did you fuck him?
                                                            
                       TERESA
No.
                                                            
The answer surprises Wade. He looks at her to see if she's
lying.
                                                            
                       TERESA
That's the thing, it only happened
on the way over here.
                                                            
                       WADE
Oh, so you only had time to give
him road head.
                                                            
                       TERESA
Wade. Come on...
                                                            
                       WADE
I'm sorry, please continue. I
wanna hear everything that
happened.
                                                            
Wade crosses his arms and leans against the wall.
                                                            
                       TERESA
Okay, well, when I said I was
coming to visit, I had planned to
hitch a ride with my friend,
Katelyn. She was coming here to
visit her boyfriend but she had to
cancel because she needed to help
her sister with her baby. So she
told me about this carpool thing
some friends of hers were doing
where they get a few people
together to chip in for a van and
then they drive to all the places
everyone needs to get to.
                                                            
                       WADE
And one of those people was Jamie?
                                                            

46.

                       TERESA
Yeah. So we met there and then
some stuff happened-
                                                            
                       WADE
What stuff?
                                                            
                       TERESA
We stopped off at this town, two
of the guys in the van got into a
fight with some other guys in a
bar. Someone called the cops and
the two guys took off in the van
leaving me, Jamie, a guy named
Walt and a girl named Alison
behind.
                                                            
                       WADE
And then what?
                                                            
                       TERESA
We spent the night in a motel
room. Guys in one bed, girls in
the other.
                                                            
                       WADE
So how'd you end up getting here?
                                                            
                       TERESA
Walt and Alison decided to take a
train back home but me and Jamie
still wanted to come here so we
went to the bus station.
                                                            
                       WADE
Did you cum there too?
                                                            
Teresa gives him an exasperated look. Wade mimes zipping his
mouth closed. Teresa continues.
                                                            
                       TERESA
We decided to get something to eat
and ended up missing the bus so...
                                                            
Teresa hesitates, trying to decide whether or not to finish
her story.
                                                            
                       TERESA
We had to spend another night at a
motel together. We didn't have
enough for the bus tickets and a
room with two beds, that's why
we...
                                                            

47.

She doesn't bother to finish her sentence.
                                                            
                       WADE
So what'd you do that night?
                                                            
                       TERESA
We had a few drinks. And we made a
bet. Who was better at oral sex.
      (beat)
He won.
                                                            
Wade feels pain like never before. Comparable to testicular
torsion. Of the heart.
                                                            
                       WADE
You-you said that I had a chance.
                                                            
                       TERESA
You did. But I can't help how I
feel when I'm with him.
                                                            
                       WADE
And what do you feel when you're
with him? Love? Lust?
                                                            
                       TERESA
Sated. Like I have everything I'll
ever need for the rest of my life.
                                                            
Wade shakes off his sadness and goes on the offensive.
                                                            
                       WADE
And what's that, a 10-inch dick?
No batteries required?
                                                            
Teresa knows what he's trying to do.
                                                            
                       TERESA
Wade, I don't want to fight with
you. I still care about you, I
just can't give you what you need.
                                                            
                       WADE
No, I'm pretty sure you can. You
have a mouth. You just gave what I
need to the wrong person, is all.
                                                            
Teresa shakes her head in disappointment.
                                                            
                       TERESA
What do you want me to say to
that?
                                                            

48.

                       WADE
I don't know. Can you say anything
without the smell of his dick and
traces of his semen coming out of
your mouth?
                                                            
                       TERESA
Okay, I can't do this. I'm not
talking to you like this. We can
continue this conversation when
you've grown the fuck up.
                                                            
Teresa gets up off the bed and heads straight for her
luggage. She grabs all three and opens the door, ready to
leave, but she stops in the doorway.
                                                            
                       TERESA
Wade...don't let it end like this.
                                                            
                       WADE
How do you want it to end?
                                                            
She reaches into her bag, pulls out a pen and a pad of
post-it notes. She scribbles something on a post-it, removes
it from the pad and sticks it to the wall.
                                                            
                       TERESA
That's where I'm staying while I'm
in New York. Come see me before I
leave on Monday.
                                                            
She exits the room and closes the door behind her. Wade
walks over quickly and locks it. He finally lets loose with
the waterworks, collapsing with his back against the door.
Shit just got real.
                                                            
 
INT. TAVERN - NIGHT
                                                            
Wade has just finished informing the troops of what has
transpired. Kevin, Cody and Victoria huddle around a
circular table, leaning in close to hear Wade over the noise
of other people talking, music playing and drinks being
poured.
                                                            
                       WADE
What the fuck do you say to that,
man, you know? Like what the fuck
do I do now?
                                                            

49.

                       KEVIN
Find someone who looks like her,
fuck her and then never call her
again.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
That doesn't even make any sense.
Just because some girl broke your
heart, you're gonna be an asshole
to another girl who had nothing to
do with it just cause she looks
like her?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
But that's Wade's thing. Whenever
he gets hurt or insulted, he
doesn't retaliate against the
person who wronged him, he hits
someone next to him.
                                                            
                       CODY
Yeah, but this is different. He's
actually sad this time.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Alright, well, does she have a hot
mom or a sister or best friend
that's of equal physical
attractiveness?
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Fuck one of them. Or all three.
Videotape it, send her the tape
and give her the middle finger at
the end of it like in 'Jarhead'.
That'll teach the bitch not to
mess.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Do you have any ideas that don't
make you sound like a cliched
loser who's never had sex?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Do you have any personalities
besides "bitch" and "cunt"?
                                                            
                       CODY
Kev, what the fuck, man, I'm right
here.
                                                            

50.

                       KEVIN
Hey, she started it.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
What are you, fucking five?
                                                            
                       CODY
Could both of you just knock it
off? Wade's the one with the
problem right now, let's address
his first. We got a whole two days
of driving for you to exchange
verbal barbs, which belies a
revolting physical sexual
attraction between the two of you
that'll result in Victoria
cheating on me with Kevin that
could inevitably cause the ending
of our marriage. So just quit it.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (beat)
You quidditch.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Do you actually think I'm gonna
cheat on you, much less with
Kevin?
                                                            
                       CODY
After hearing Wade's tale of woe,
I'm not ruling out any
possibilities.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
You are NOT the man I married.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, he's only a little bitch
around you. When he's with us,
he's actually badass.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Shut up, virgin.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Fuck you, whore.
                                                            
Wade gets up from the table and puts his jacket on.
                                                            
                       CODY
Yo, where you going?
                                                            

51.

                       KEVIN
She told me where she's staying,
I'm gonna go talk to her.
                                                            
                       CODY
About what?
                                                            
                       WADE
Compensation.
                                                            
                                         CUT TO:
                                                            
 
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Scott's on his laptop, looking at Melanie's profile. He
looks despondent as he flips through her newest photo album
containing photos of her at a party she went to.

The phone rings. Scott sets his laptop aside and goes over
to pick it up.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Scott?
                                                            
Scott puts the phone down, receiver facing up, and walks out
of frame.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Geez, come on, man...
                                                            
Scott comes back into frame, wearing his "NYPD" hat.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, who's this?
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
It's Kevin. You need to come down
to New York.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, I don't. Why?
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
It's Wade. He's in jail.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, that's not funny at all.
You're terrible at prank calling.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
I'm not kidding, you jackass, he
got into a fight with this guy.
                                                            

52.

                       SCOTT
Wade doesn't get into fights.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Alright, look, I'm gonna run
through this quick so try and keep
up, okay?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (bemused)
Okay.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
We stopped by his University to
pick him up, like we planned. But
his nutcrush, Teresa, decided to
pay him a visit too. She got there
before us and told him she met
someone.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So? People meet people all the
time.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
She also blew him.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Most girls do that too. Just not
to me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Can I finish my story?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Right on. I'm listening.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
So, obviously, Wade's heartbroken
and shit. So we're hanging out at
this bar, and Victoria's being a
bitch, when all of a sudden, Wade
just gets up and leaves. So we
follow him and he goes to this
motel where Teresa's staying. Now
the thing I didn't tell you was
that she didn't get together with
this guy until she was coming over
to visit Wade. Apparently, she
carpooled with him on her way
over, they lost their ride and had
to take a bus. Fucking dumb bitch
missed the bus so she decided to
stay in a motel room with that
            (MORE)

53.

                       KEVIN (cont'd)
Jamie guy. Jamie guy gets her
drunk, next thing you know, she's
sucking his dick like an obedient
altar boy trying to get in good
with the Rev.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You're shitting me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
No, I'm completely fucking
serious.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Let me guess, the guy was with her
at the motel?
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Fuck yeah, he was. But she wasn't.
So Wade just fucking loses it,
right? Like I've never seen him
pissed, period. But he was fucking
pissed. Just completely haymakers
the guy right in the face. The guy
starts punching back, people at
the motel call the cops. Boom,
Wade's in jail. We're short a
couple of bucks to bail him out. I
mean, we can bail him out, but
then we wouldn't have enough money
for the trip so...
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You want me to find some way to
get to New York and lend you the
money to bail Wade out of prison.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Yeah, just go with Mike and those
guys on the party bus. It doesn't
have to be the whole trip, just
get 'em to drop you off in NYC so
you don't have to pay the four
hundred or whatever they're
charging to go on the bus.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You think they're gonna let me
hitch a ride to New York without
paying?
                                                            

54.

                       KEVIN (O.S.)
No, you'll probably have to pay
them something, just not four
hundred dollars.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How much money do you think I
have?
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
I dunno, eight hundred?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That's my rent money, you dumbass.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
So how much do you have leftover?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Like eighty dollars.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Well, then convince them not to
charge you just to hitch a ride to
New York.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, I'm hanging up now.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Whoa, whoa, wait. Wade's in
prison, man. We need that money or
else he either stays in jail or
the whole trip to Cassandra, which
is the only reason I'm here in the
first place, is finished.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
And yet, I just can't seem to
care.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Man, you're a hypocrite. You've
changed, too. You used to be
reliable for anything, now you're
just like Tyler.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why don't you ask him then?
                                                            

55.

                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Cause I just said, he's probably
less reliable than you. Plus, I
don't have his number.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Fine, I'll call him for you.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Why don't you just give me his
number?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I got it stored on my phone. I
don't know it by heart.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
You've been his friend for like
nine years.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, but I stopped calling him
cause he never wants to hang out.
And I don't remember shit that's
not important to me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN (O.S.)
Alright, well, whatever, call me
afterwards. We need that money,
Scott.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, yeah. CLICK!
                                                            
Scott hangs up the phone and scrolls through the stored
phonebook. He finds Tyler's number and dials it. After the
fourth ring, TYLER TREYAP picks up.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Hello?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Tyler?
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Yeah?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's Scott.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Yeah, I know.
                                                            

56.

                       SCOTT
I got a question.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Uh-huh.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
How much money do you have?
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Why?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I need to borrow some to get Wade
out of prison.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Why is Wade in prison?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, remember that girl he liked,
Teresa?
      (uninterrupted)
She was on her way to visit him
and she ended up going with this
guy she liked but they lost their
ride and had to take a bus, which
they missed, so they had to share
a room together for the night and
he ended up fucking her throat
with his cock. After she told all
this to Wade, Wade told Kevin,
Cody and Victoria what happened
and then left to go to her motel
but she wasn't there. The guy was,
though, so Wade gets pissed and
they fight and Wade goes to
prison. Now, Kevin, Cody and
Victoria need some extra money to
bail him out or else Kevin can't
go to Los Angeles to see Cassandra
and their whole trip will have
been wasted.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
      (beat)
Are you making this up?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No. They might've made it up,
though. But Kevin said he was
serious.
                                                            

57.

                       TYLER (O.S.)
And you believe him?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Enough to call you. I don't have
enough money to get to New York
and pay his bail money.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, why don't you just send the
money over instead of going there
yourself?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, you can do that if you want.
                                                            
Tyler lets out a heavy sigh, which sounds a little bit
homosexual.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
How much do they need?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know. Can't be more than a
couple of hundred, it's his first
offense.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
How were you planning on going to
New York?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I wasn't. I told him I'd call you
since he doesn't have your number.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Well, why didn't you just give him
my number?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's stored in my phone, I don't
remember it all.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, that's a first.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I tend to forget shit that's not
important to me.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, well, I see how much you value
our friendship.
                                                            

58.

                       SCOTT
I wasn't aware we were still
friends. I thought I was replaced
by those fat chicks and your
friends from college.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, don't start.
                                                            
Scott chuckles a little bit.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright, so can I hang up now? I
told you everything I know.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
So you want ME to go to New York
and bail Wade out?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Or you could just send the money
like you said. But if you wanna
go, you don't have to go alone.
There's this bus that Mike and
Aaron rented to have a bachelor
party on that's going to Los
Angeles. You could ask them to
drop you off at New York.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Who are Mike and Aaron?
                                                            
Scott lets out a frustrated sigh.
                                                            
                                         FADE TO BLACK
                                                            
                                         FADE IN:
                                                            
 
EXT. SIDE OF THE ROAD - DAY
                                                            
TITLE CARD: WEDNESDAY THE 22ND
                                                            
The Yaris is parked at the side of the road. The driver's
door is open with Kevin sticking his legs out. Cody and
Victoria are leaning on the trunk of the car, talking. Wade
is sleeping in the back seat with the door open so he can
stretch his legs.

A silver Camry is closing in on the stopped Yaris. It pulls
up by the side of the road, directly behind it, before
coming to a complete stop.
                                                            

59.

                       CODY
Kevin, they're here.
                                                            
Kevin steps out of the Yaris and walks over to where Cody
and Victoria are. The three of them watch as Scott and Tyler
step out of the Camry; Tyler coming from the driver's side,
Scott coming from the passenger's.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Hey, you made it.
                                                            
Scott motions to Wade's legs sticking out of the Yaris.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Who's that with their legs
sticking out?
                                                            
Kevin gives a little giggle.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That's Wade.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What the fuck, you said he was in
prison.
                                                            
                       CODY
Well, we paid the money to bail
him out, but we still need the
money you brought to drive all the
way to Los Angeles.
                                                            
                       WADE (O.S.)
That's a lie.
                                                            
Wade's head pops up from the back seat. He groggily steps
out of the car and approaches the group.
                                                            
                       WADE
This was just a trick to get you
to come out here.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I fucking knew it.
                                                            
Scott steps forward and punches Kevin straight in the face.
Kevin staggers back, holding his face in his hands.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So wait a minute, you came up with
that bullshit story just to get
Scott to go with you on this trip?
Well, what the fuck am I doing
            (MORE)

60.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
here?
                                                            
                       CODY
We would've asked you to go on the
trip too if we didn't already know
you'd turn us down. Pretty much
the only way we can get you to
hang out with us is if there's a
chick you like that's gonna be
there or if it's an emergency.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, what the fuck. I got a lot of
shit to do, that's why I don't
always hang out with you guys.
                                                            
                       WADE
No, you CHOOSE not to hang out
with us. Instead of doing your
fucking work and not letting it
pile up, you opt to look up videos
on YouTube or hang out with those
fat chicks from your high school
that you never talked to up until
three months ago.
                                                            
                       CODY
Yeah, you're always trying to make
new friends and shit, why don't
you just maintain the ones you
already have.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, you just proved why I don't
like hanging out with you guys,
you give me nothing but shit. And
I don't need to hear that after I
just drove here all the way from
home where I was sitting
comfortably till Scott called me.
So I'm going back.
      (to Scott)
Scott, you going with me?
                                                            
Scott takes a moment to look at everyone; Cody and Victoria
holding hands, Wade squinting from the sunlight, Kevin with
his hand to his mouth and Tyler getting ready to leave.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Naw, I'm already here. Might as
well just go to Los Angeles.
                                                            

61.

Kevin erupts with joy.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yes!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to Kevin)
You deserved that punch, though.
You can't retaliate.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Fair enough.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So all five of you are gonna drive
for the next two days all the way
to Los Angeles in that small car?
                                                            
                       WADE
You got something better to do?
Maybe there's a Transformers video
you haven't seen yet or those fat
chicks want you to judge an eating
contest.
                                                            
                       CODY
That's probably why he hangs out
with them, anyways. With us, he's
the fattest but with them, he's
the skinniest.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Do you WANT me to go with you
guys? Cause you're not really
making a convincing argument.
                                                            
                       WADE
It's Los Angeles. There's bound to
be some fat chicks BEFORE they get
liposuction just waiting to get
your semen stuck in the folds of
their fat.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's disgusting. And shut up, I
don't like fat chicks. At least,
not exclusively.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, he likes ugly chicks. That's
the common denominator between
Wendy, Emma and Tanya.
                                                            

62.

                       TYLER
      (to Scott)
Stop it. They're not ugly. You
just have this obsession with
perfect women who don't even
exist.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, they're the best kinds.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, enjoy being lonely for the
rest of your life.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, enjoy settling for the
W-E-Triple T chicks.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I don't even wanna know what that
stands for.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Wet?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why even talk to them.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah, so anyways, I'll take
someone in my car, just not Wade,
Kevin, Cody or Scott.
                                                            
                       WADE
      (to Cody)
I think he's making a move on your
wife.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Geez, fine, Cody can ride with me
too.
                                                            
                       CODY
Then let's get going.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Let's rocket.
                                                            
Cody and Victoria open the trunk to get their bags.
                                                            
                       WADE
      (to Tyler)
You know you could just lend us
your car. If you walk back to
            (MORE)

63.

                       WADE (cont'd)
Boston from here, you might lose
some weight.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Do you want me to drive back home?
I'm doing you guys a favour, you
asshole.
                                                            
Wade realizes that he has a point.
                                                            
                       WADE
Oh yeah.
                                                            
Wade playfully punches Tyler in the arm.
                                                            
                       WADE
Hey, you're alright.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Don't touch me.
                                                            
Tyler, Cody and Victoria head over to the Camry. Wade, Kevin
and Scott pile into the Yaris.
                                                            
                       CODY
Hey, Scott, you forgot this.
                                                            
Cody hands Scott his bag. Kevin sees.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You liar, you were always planning
on coming with us.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, of course I was. It's
Cassandra Fucking Miller.
                                                            
Kevin laughs. As soon as all six are in their respective
cars, they drive off.
                                                            
 
INT. KEVIN'S CAR (A TOYOTA YARIS) - DAY
                                                            
Kevin's driving, Scott's riding shotgun, Wade's in the back.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to Wade)
So did Teresa actually meet some
guy?
                                                            

64.

                       WADE
Everything except the jail part
was true.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So what happened when you went to
her motel room?
                                                            
                       WADE
Fucked her, shot my load in her
face, then left.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You serious?
                                                            
                       WADE
Hell no.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Seriously, man, what happened at
the motel?
                                                            
                       WADE
Nothing. She wasn't there, the guy
was and we talked a bit. Then I
left.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That's not visually interesting.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
He pussed out.
                                                            
                       WADE
Fuck you, what was I supposed to
do, the guy could've kicked my
ass.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You could've kicked him in the
nuts. Or used a weapon.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I thought you were going to the
gym with Kevin and Cody.
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah, so? You don't see results
unless you've been doing it for a
long time. Like months.
                                                            

65.

                       SCOTT
And then all of it can just go
away if you miss a week or eat
something unhealthy. See how going
to the gym is a waste of time?
                                                            
                       WADE
It's not, you just can't go into
it expecting a huge change right
away.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Fuck that, I'll just run out the
clock with what I got.
                                                            
                       WADE
Oh, geez, please don't start this
up again.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Alright, fine.
                                                            
An awkward silence permeates throughout the car.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (beat)
You know what you could do?
                                                            
                       WADE
About what?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Teresa.
                                                            
                       WADE
No, what?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Give her a Tyler Durden.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh shit.
                                                            
                       WADE
What is it?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You've seen 'Fight Club', right?
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah, that's Brad Pitt's name in
the movie, so what?
                                                            

66.

                       SCOTT
Remember the scene where he pours
lye on Edward Norton's hand after
he kisses it?
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, that's where I got the idea.
                                                            
                       WADE
What idea?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
See what you do is, you get your
dick sucked, right? Or if you
can't do that -- you don't have
the time or whatever -- you just
spit in your hand and coat your
dick with saliva. Then you rub
your spit-covered dick on
someone's face or their arm or
wherever and pour lye over it. Now
obviously, it's going to hurt like
a motherfucker so don't wait
around as long as Brad Pitt does.
Just give it a few seconds to let
the chemical burn take effect and
then quickly pour-
      (to Kevin)
What was it, vinegar?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (offended)
I don't know.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Vinegar or something -- you can
look it up -- whatever. Man, I
fucking love vinegar. But yeah,
just pour some over it to
neutralize the burn and then
they're left with a dick-shaped
scar on their face forever.
                                                            
                       WADE
That's fucking retarded. And
impossible.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why?
                                                            

67.

                       WADE
I'm pretty sure everyone's seen
that movie so they know what
happens and they won't let you do
it.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So do it while they're sleeping.
                                                            
                       WADE
Then they'll just wake up once
their hand starts burning.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah but it'll already be too late
so it won't even matter.
                                                            
                       WADE
That counts as assault.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, he's right. I don't think
there's any way to do it to
Teresa.
                                                            
                       WADE
Plus, it's kinda harsh considering
she was never my girlfriend and
didn't really do anything wrong.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well then how 'bout doing it to
the dude?
                                                            
                       WADE
I don-
                                                            
Wade takes a moment to think about it.
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah, I'm not gonna do it.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Would be pimp, though.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, it would.
                                                            
                       WADE
I guess.
                                                            
 

68.

INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Scott is sleeping upside down in a large motel bed, which is
next to another bed. Kevin is sitting on a chair near the
door, putting his socks on. Despite what it looks like, they
did NOT just have sex.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (groggily)
Where is everyone?
                                                            
Kevin motions to a box on the night stand.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Cody and Victoria stopped by to
drop off some doughnuts, I think
there's three left. They said they
were going shopping.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
With what money, I thought they
were poor.
                                                            
Scott picks himself up and sits on the edge of the bed.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know. Window shopping, I
guess.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What about the other two?
                                                            
                       WADE
Tyler went to get some gas, Wade
tagged along.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
They say when they're coming back?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I didn't bother to ask.
                                                            
Scott finally notices that Kevin is fully dressed and
looking spiffy.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why, where are you going?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
To see Cassandra. That was the
whole point of this trip.
                                                            

69.

                       SCOTT
Oh, right. Forgot we were in L.A.
for a minute there. Want me to
come with?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why, so you can check out her
tits?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, just hold up, I'll be like
ten minutes, tops.
                                                            
Scott gets up off the bed and heads for the washroom.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Fine. Hurry up.
                                                            
 
INT. KEVIN'S CAR (A TOYOTA YARIS) - DAY
                                                            
Kevin and Scott are rolling along in the Yaris. Scott's
eating the leftover doughnuts, in the middle of his second
one.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So why don't you ask one of them
to introduce you to her?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm not really that close to any
of them enough to ask them that.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why? Who do you know that knows
her?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
From top to bottom, there's
Anthony--
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why can't you ask him?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know. Haven't really
talked to him in a long time.
There was a random hangout where
Max and Carlos invited us to watch
the season premiere of the last
season of 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Can't remember when that was. Oh
and we talked for a bit at Max's
            (MORE)

70.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
party last summer.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
When did Max have a party?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
July 4th of last year. You didn't
go.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh, ok. So who else?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, there's Corey who I haven't
even talked to since fucking
elementary.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
How does he know her?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Man, how should I know?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Do you think he fucked her?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I hope not.
                                                            
Kevin laughs.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Then there's Kelsey, who doesn't
even know who I am since I never
met her. I don't know how I added
her to my friends list. I think it
was cause I have her email and she
was on my MSN but I don't know how
I got her email in the first place
so it still doesn't make sense.
She knows Dani, though.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Okay, who are the other two?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Max's little brother, Nick, and
Clarice.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Why can't you ask them?
                                                            

71.

                       SCOTT
Haven't hung out with Max in a
long time and even then, I'm not
really good friends with his
brother so it wouldn't really make
sense to ask him. Plus, he knows
I'm two years older than Melanie
so he'd probably think I'm a
creepy bastard.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah-huh, and Claire?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (beat)
Already asked her, said she
doesn't know her very well. They
used to talk while waiting for the
bus after school or some shit like
that but they haven't talked since
our graduation.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (overselling it)
SHIT!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, no one's in a position to
set me up with her and it's not
like I'm gonna run into her
anywhere so...fuck it, it's not
gonna happen.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Not with that attitude.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Don't worry about it, focus on
your girl right now.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I was trying not to so I wouldn't
be nervous. Plus, your situation
makes me feel better about mine.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, glad I could help...
      (beat)
...jackass!
                                                            
 

72.

EXT. PARKING LOT OF CASSANDRA'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
The Yaris pulls into the parking lot. Kevin does a bad
parking job. Kevin and Scott get out of the car and stand on
opposite sides of the Yaris, beside their respective doors.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What are you gonna be doing while
I'm in there?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Making love stains in the back
seat, what do you think? I'll ask
Tyler to come get me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What if she turns me down right
away?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It'll take him a while to come get
me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What if she turns me down?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Look, there's only two ways this
can go down. Either you get the
girl or you don't get the girl. In
either case, you don't lose
anything you don't already have.
All this is, is a chance to gain
something.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
But it's Cassandra Fucking Miller,
you know? What are the odds she's
in there saying "It's Kevin
Fucking Colson"?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That'd be kind of eerie if she
was.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I'm serious.
                                                            
Scott shrugs.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know what to say.
                                                            

73.

                       KEVIN
Wish me luck.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Fuck luck, at least you get to see
her breasts.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You can too, I think that's her
entering the building.
                                                            
 
INT. THE LOBBY OF CASSANDRA'S APARTMENT BULDING - DAY
                                                            
Kevin enters the building just as CASSANDRA MILLER finishes
getting her mail. She's every bit as beautiful as she's been
hyped up to be with a glorious rack to go with her pretty
face. And the best part is, they're all natural.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (unsure of himself)
Cassandra?
                                                            
                       CASSANDRA
Hmm?
                                                            
She turns around to see Kevin. Unexpected but a nice
surprise. She flashes a beautiful smile at him.
                                                            
                       CASSANDRA
Oh my God, Kevin?! What are you
doing here?
                                                            
She walks over to him and gives him a big hug. Her breasts
feel great pressed up against him. Lucky bastard.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I was in the neighbourhood,
thought I'd stop by.
                                                            
She lets go. He already misses her.
                                                            
                       CASSANDRA
You weirdo.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You're just getting home?
                                                            
She motions to her gym bag, which Kevin didn't notice until
now.
                                                            

74.

                       CASSANDRA
Yeah, just got back from the gym.
Come on upstairs, we'll talk
there.
                                                            
 
INT. KEVIN'S CAR (A TOYOTA YARIS) - DAY
                                                            
Scott is sitting inside of the Yaris in the passenger seat.
He's got his phone out and has it pressed up to his ear.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Hey.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Hello? Who's this?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's Scott, where are you guys?
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Back at the motel, where are you?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm in Kevin's car, I went with
him to Cassandra's apartment.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Why?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know. Wanted to see her
boobs.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
You're such a simple creature, you
know that?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Whatev, only saw them from a
distance anyways. And not even at
a good angle.
                                                            
Scott sees Kevin walking towards the car.
                                                            
                       TYLER (O.S.)
Okay, you can stop talking about
them now. What do you want?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I was gonna ask you to come pick
me up but never mind, Kevin's
coming back.
                                                            

75.

                       TYLER (O.S.)
Is that bad?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Probably, tell you later, bye.
                                                            
Scott exits the car but the camera stays inside and views
him through the windshield as he walks to meet Kevin. They
stop midway and talk for a bit before walking the rest of
the way and getting inside the car. Kevin starts up the
vehicle and pulls out of the parking spot. They don't talk
for a few beats. Then...
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What do you wanna do?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know. Get our shit and go
back home.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Right on.
                                                            
 
INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Wade and Tyler are watching TV, half-sitting, half lying
down on both of the beds, on either side of the night stand.

Kevin and Scott enter the room. Kevin sullenly walks over to
the opposite side of the room and starts gathering his
things.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That bad?
                                                            
                       WADE
What's going on?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Didn't work out, Kev's getting his
things and going back home. If you
wanna go with us right now, feel
free but Tyler needs to stay and
wait for Cody and Victoria.
                                                            
                       WADE
You can't go. We were invited to a
party.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What party?
                                                            

76.

                       WADE
Me and Tyler went 'sploring and
came across Max Harris. He's here
for Dani's wedding.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
And he invited you to a party?
                                                            
                       WADE
All of us, I told him you guys
were here too.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
And it's a party for Dani's
wedding?
                                                            
                       WADE
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
So her and her fiancee's gonna be
there?
                                                            
                       WADE
I guess so. Is the groom allowed
to see the bride before the
wedding?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Just as long as she's not in her
wedding dress.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, I'm not going.
                                                            
                       WADE
Why not?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Don't really feel like hanging out
with my ex and the Russian dick
she's fucking.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Why not?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Cause it'd be fucking awkward.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh for fuck's sake, will you get
over yourself? You went out with
her for like three months during
high school and it was two years
            (MORE)

77.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
ago. When are you gonna shut the
fuck up about it?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
When I find someone who made me as
happy as she did.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah, you're really gonna find
someone who likes whining
assholes.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Fuck you, at least I've had a
girlfriend. And I didn't entertain
the notion of going out with a fat
chick.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You don't even know her. You
shouldn't even be talking about
her.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What the fuck does that mean? I
gotta waste time and energy
getting to know some fat bitch who
I have no interest in fucking just
so I can say she's a fat bitch? I
don't need to talk to her to know
that she's fat. And that she's
managed to turn you against us.
Seriously, you abandon your
fucking friends for a group of fat
chicks who don't have breasts
proportionate to their weight and
aren't the least bit fucking
attractive, what the fuck is that
shit?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I actually get along with them,
unlike with you guys who are
always making fun of me.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You realize that that's what guys
do, right? They break each other's
balls so no one gets a big head
and starts thinking they're better
than everyone else. Girls tell
each other they look good or cute
or whatever bullshit lies they can
            (MORE)

78.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
think of to say so that when the
fat bitch gets rejected and goes
to them crying, the guy seems like
the bad guy.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You know, you have no fucking idea
what you're talking about.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah, okay, you fat-fucker--
      (to Kevin)
Kev, we going?
                                                            
Scott only now notices that Kevin hasn't finished packing.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I kinda want to go to the party.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, there goes my fucking ride.
                                                            
Scott collapses onto the chair by the door.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Where is it?
                                                            
                       WADE
One sec, I wrote it down.
                                                            
Wade reaches into his pocket and pulls out a few things,
among them a piece of paper with the address for the party.
He hands it to Kevin.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So Scott, I guess you're riding
with me.
                                                            
Scott doesn't say anything. There's a knock at the door. He
turns around in his chair and opens it without getting up.
Cody and Victoria walk into the room. They look as to be in
the same mood as Scott and Tyler.
                                                            
                       WADE
Where have you two been?
                                                            
 
INT. STUDIO - DAY
                                                            
The room is barren except for a large bed and a couch
adjacent to it. We see Victoria putting her clothes on.
Cody's standing up, facing a guy with a camera. The guy has

79.

a fistful of bills in his left hand, trying to get the shot
of him handing the money over to Cody in frame.
                                                            
                       ANTHONY
Thanks a lot guys.
                                                            
Cody starts walking away as soon as he skims over the bills,
making sure it's the right amount.
                                                            
                       ANTHONY
Hey, wait, you guys need a ride
back to your motel, right?
                                                            
Cody gives Victoria a dark look.
                                                            
                       VICTORIA
Yeah. Thanks.
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
The luxury suite is filled to capacity and then some. Dozens
of people crowded around the main area, some dancing to the
music, most just talking while holding drinks. The
fellowship make their way inside and are greeted by Max.
                                                            
                       MAX
Hey, you guys made it. What's up,
long time no see.
                                                            
                                         CUT TO:
                                                            
Kevin, Scott and Cody are sitting at a large table filled
snacks and drinks. Beside Scott is a tray of ready-made
burgers. Just grab one, add any condiments you want and eat.

Scott is already eating one.
                                                            
                       CODY
Know what'd be funny?
                                                            
Scott is chewing his burger.
                                                            
                       CODY
If you took a bite out of a second
burger before you even finished
that one.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know, man, this burger and
the root beer's weighing me down.
Plus I ate before we came here.
                                                            

80.

                       CODY
So then just take a bite and put
it back. Hide it under the other
ones.
                                                            
Wade sits down beside Cody.
                                                            
                       WADE
Guess what I just did?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Shit on all the coats?
                                                            
                       WADE
No, even better. There was an open
bottle with the cap still looking
decent--like it hadn't been
opened--so I emptied it a little
bit down the sink in the washroom,
took a piss in it, put the cap
back on and put it in the fridge.
                                                            
                       CODY
That's gold, Jerry, GOLD!
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That's disgusting.
                                                            
                       WADE
Oh shit, I think someone's about
to drink it.
                                                            
They all look toward the refrigerator. A random party-goer
grabs a bottle out of the fridge and holds it up to his
face.
                                                            
                       RUBE (O.S.)
Urgh, this beer's warm.
                                                            
The rube puts it back in the fridge and grabs a cold one.
                                                            
                       WADE
SHIT! Well, it'll be funny when
someone DOES drink it.
                                                            
Scott grabs a second burger from the tray and takes a bite
out of it without finishing his first burger. Cody starts
laughing.

Max appears and stops to chat with them for a bit.
                                                            

81.

                       MAX
You know you guys don't have to
sit down for the whole party,
right? You're welcome here.
                                                            
                       CODY
Good burgers, man!
                                                            
                       MAX
Well, you have Marlon to thank for
that. He cooked them all.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (yelling)
THANKS MARLON!
                                                            
MARLON SOUZA LUIS gives Scott a nod and holds his beer up.
                                                            
                       MAX
So yeah, feel free to join the
rest of us in the living room.
                                                            
                       WADE
We're getting there.
                                                            
The door to the suite opens and a gaggle of loud girls
welcomes the new arrivals. Scott, going to work on his
second burger now turns around to see who's at the door.

He see MELANIE WIESEN headed his way, for a millisecond,
they lock eyes. Scott quickly turns back towards his
friends.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Kev!
                                                            
                       KEVIN
What?
                                                            
Scott motions his head over to Melanie's direction as he
starts to take a sip of his root beer. Scott starts to
hiccup whilst simultaneously choking on his burger. He
manages to compose himself as Melanie walks behind him with
two of her friends.

Scott gives Kevin a look that Kevin doesn't get. Kevin just
sits there, grinning. Melanie's friend, ALICIA PERKINS,
speaks to the table.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Hi.
                                                            

82.

                       CODY
Hey.
                                                            
                       WADE
Hey.
                                                            
Kevin doesn't say anything and Scott is only able to make a
waving gesture with his hand since he's still recovering.
Max does another pass and sees the new arrivals.
                                                            
                       MAX
Hello, ladies.
                                                            
Melanie's other friend, CHERYL GRAVES, lights up upon seeing
Max.
                                                            
                       CHERYL
Hey, have you seen Nick?
                                                            
                       MAX
Follow me, I'll take you to him.
      (to the other two)
Help yourself to the food.
                                                            
Max exits stage left with Cheryl in tow.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
Are you guys from L.A.?
                                                            
                       WADE
      (like a grizzled
       and pissed off
       war vet)
No, Boston.
                                                            
Scott smiles and turns away from them to hide his silent
laughter.

Melanie reaches past Kevin to grab a fork. The fork is
entangled with another fork. Kevin reaches over to untangle
the two forks.
                                                            
                       MELANIE
No, it's okay.
                                                            
Melanie just grabs a different fork so Kevin retracts his
arm.
                                                            
                       ALICIA
So how'd you guys get here?
                                                            

83.

                       CODY
      (talking down to
       her)
It's called a car.
                                                            
Kevin's grin widens. Scott turns back towards the table long
enough to see Melanie and Alicia walking away from them.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What happened?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (laughing)
Cody refused to get run by them.
                                                            
                       WADE
Why'd you turn away?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
The way you answered her question
made me laugh.
                                                            
                       WADE
What did I sound like?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Like a pissed off war vet.
                                                            
                       WADE
What the shit, how'd I sound like
that?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't know. The point is--
      (to Kevin)
--Do you know who that was?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
No.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'll explain later.
                                                            
The door opens again and this time, the entire suite makes
noise. It's LEONID ALEKSIEV and DANIELA "DANI" TRAVARD. As
the happy couple make their way to the inner sanctum, they
shake hands, exchange hugs and graciously accept compliments
from the party-goers. Eventually, they make their way over
to the lost boys.

A little bit of the shy, introverted girl Scott fell in love
with peeks out as Dani gives a shy wave and "hi" to the four
gents at the table. Leonid ups the ante by shaking the hands

84.

of Cody and Wade.

Time seems to slow as Leonid turns to face Scott and extends
his hand for a handshake. Back in real-time, Scott shakes
Leonid's hand without even thinking.
                                                            
                                         FADE OUT:
                                                            
                                         FADE IN:
                                                            
 
INT. STAIRCASE - NIGHT
                                                            
Scott is sitting on the staircase with Wade and Kevin.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
So what did you wanna talk to me
about?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That girl that was with the one
that talked to Cody and Wade.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah, what about her?
                                                            
                       WADE
They were okay, might be jailbait,
though.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Naw, they're only two years
younger than us.
                                                            
                       WADE
How do you know?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
      (to Kevin)
Remember when that girl reached
over to get a fork and you fucking
helped her with it?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
No, what happened was she was
trying to get a fork and two of
them were stuck together so when I
reached over to separate them, she
just immediately let go of them
and grabbed another one.
                                                            

85.

                       SCOTT
Whatever, you had a moment with
her. Which is more than I'll ever
have.
                                                            
                       WADE
What's the big deal, who is she?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Melanie Wiesen.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
That was her? Shit, she's not bad.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I wasn't expecting to see her. I
didn't know Nick came with them.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Oh yeah, he knows her!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah. And the first time I fucking
see her, I choke on my burger.
Really shouldn't have had that
second one.
                                                            
Kevin and Wade smile.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Plus, to top it off, I had to
shake that fucking guy's hand.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Who, that Leonid guy?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Fuck him, man.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
She probably did. Is fucking him
or will.
                                                            
                       WADE
Why don't you go for that Melanie
chick?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Me and Kevin had this discussion
already.
                                                            

86.

                       KEVIN
      (to Wade)
He doesn't want to tarnish her
perfect image by meeting her.
      (to Scott)
But hey, see, you met her
naturally, you should go for it.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I didn't meet her. I saw her. She
might've seen me.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Whatever, man. Just go back in
there and talk to her.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I got nothing to say.
                                                            
                       WADE
Just be like, "come on, bitch, I
got a futon and a boner, what more
do you need?"
                                                            
Scott smiles slightly.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Naw. It's better if she doesn't
know me.
                                                            
                       WADE
How do you figure?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm fucked up. It'd be a pretty
dick move to thrust all my
problems onto her.
                                                            
                       WADE
That's what she said.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Knew that was coming.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
That doesn't even make any sense.
                                                            
                       WADE
Sure, it does.
                                                            
Wade playfully punches Scott in the arm.
                                                            

87.

                       SCOTT
You wanna go?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Hell yes.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
What about Cody and them?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Tyler can drive them.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Let's rocket.
                                                            
 
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Back in Boston, Scott enters his domicile to see his sister,
KRISTEN, waiting for him on his couch. He drops his bag and
locks the door as she gets up and furiously makes her way
over to confront him.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Where the fuck have you been?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Me and some guys went to Los
Angeles for a wedding.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Why did you just leave, why didn't
you tell me?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I left a note.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Yeah, in your fucking apartment.
If I hadn't have come over here, I
would never have seen it.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm sorry. I forgot you don't live
here anymore.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Bullshit, I haven't lived here in
years.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Well, then what's the big deal?
                                                            

88.

                       KRISTEN
The big deal is you can't just
disappear like that. How do I
know, maybe something happened to
you.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
A lot of things happen to me. None
of them good.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
And what's that supposed to mean?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Some stuff happened in L.A. It's
depressing.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
What stuff?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Stuff...Dani was the one who got
married.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
So, why do you care?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Because I do, what can I say? You
think I wanna feel this way? I
just do.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Maybe you should get your shit
together and find another girl.
Move on!
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I tried that already. Nothing good
came of it.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
You call dropping out of school,
not looking for a job and watching
movies in your room all day
trying?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
It's a lot better than those two
years I wasted in fucking film
school listening to those assholes
teach me shit I could learn from a
20$ DVD.
                                                            

89.

                       KRISTEN
Why do you think you know
everything?
                                                            
Scott starts breaking down and crying before he finishes his
last line.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why does everyone assume I don't?
You, Dad, Wade, Tyler, everyone
keeps telling me the same shit;
get over it, move on, do this, do
that. I don't want to do jack
shit, I just want to die and get
it over with.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Don't fucking talk like that.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why? Am I being too dramatic? Is
that what you're gonna say? That's
what he said. I can't fucking
complain about anything because
I'm being too dramatic. And yet I
had to fucking listen to him
complain all the time.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Don't talk about our dad like
that.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Why not? You did all the time. And
then you fucking threaten to run
away and all of a sudden you get a
free pass. You know why? Because
you graduated. You got a fucking
diploma. A stupid piece of fucking
paper that nobody actually gives a
shit about but is required to even
be considered for a fucking job.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
You know all of this and yet you
still don't wanna get one.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Because it's a waste of fucking
time! I don't need a diploma to
make a movie. If he had let me
work instead of wasting all that
fucking time and money, I could've
saved up and made the movie on my
            (MORE)

90.

                       SCOTT (cont'd)
own.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
And then what, you're just gonna
be rich and famous as soon as you
make it?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, of course not. But at least
I'll have done something I wanted
to do instead of wasting all that
time with the same result.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Do you know how fucking stupid you
sound?
                                                            
Scott is just full out crying now.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
If I'm so stupid then why don't
you just let me die?
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Because I know you're not stupid.
You say and do all these things
that are wrong but I know you can
do better.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
No, I can't...I can't even talk to
a fucking girl who's two years
younger than me.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Yes, you can. You just have to
try.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I don't want to try anymore. Mom
and Dad tried and all they got was
me. And now they're dead. If I
could go back and stop her from
getting that c-section, I would. I
don't wanna be alive. It's not
worth it.
                                                            
Kristen is crying now too.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Scott, don't say that. I don't
ever wanna hear you say that.
                                                            

91.

She puts both of her hands on either side of Scott's face
and looks him dead in the eye.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
I need you. More than ever. We're
all we've got left. I don't know
what I'd do without you.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You don't need me. You have
Stuart.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
It doesn't matter. I love Stuart
but it doesn't who I marry or if
we have a family of our own.
You're my family.
                                                            
The two of them just cry for a few beats.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Don't ever leave without telling
me again. I was so worried.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
...I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
Do you promise me you're gonna
try?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
...I don't want to.
                                                            
                       KRISTEN
You need to. Do it for me.
                                                            
                                         FADE OUT:
                                                            
                                         FADE IN:
                                                            
 
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
There's a knock at the door. The sound of drums. Scott
appears from his room and walks over to answer it. It's
Kevin.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
One second, I'll be right there.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Okay.
                                                            

92.

Scott adjourns back to his room. He has his laptop open. He
goes over to it and clicks a file on his desktop marked
"Wife Bangers - Victoria". The file opens on VLC and Scott
skims through it by clicking at various points in the
timeline. It's a video of Victoria having sex with another
man for money with Cody watching. Scott closes VLC and drags
the file to his trash. Then he empties it, removing it from
his hard drive.

Kevin is waiting by the door when Scott returns wearing his
trademark NYPD hat.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Let's rocket.
                                                            
 
INT. KEVIN'S CAR (A TOYOTA YARIS) - DAY
                                                            
Kevin's driving. Scott's riding shotgun.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Tyler?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Busy.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
College friends or fat chicks?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I don't know. I think college
friends.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Cody?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Marriage counseling with Victoria.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
They can afford that?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I guess.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Wade?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Meeting us there.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
He bringing Sandi?
                                                            

93.

                       KEVIN
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You don't mind being the fifth
wheel?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Wade said Sandi was bringing a
friend.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You know who?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Jacqueline Crestmere.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
She hot?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
I hope so.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
I'm gonna call Felicia.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
We're 5 minutes away.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Kevin, Scott and Felicia exit the Yaris. They walk over to
Wade's car, a Honda Civic SI Concept. Wade is getting out
with Sandi and Jacqueline.
                                                            
                       WADE
Hey.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Hey.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Hey.
                                                            
                       WADE
Oh, yeah--
                                                            
Wade motions over to JACQUELINE CRESTMERE.
                                                            
                       WADE
This is Jackie.
                                                            

94.

                       JACKIE
Hi.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Hey.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Hi.
                                                            
                       FELICIA
I'm Felicia.
                                                            
Scott finally remembers his manners.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Yeah. Uh, Scott.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Kevin.
                                                            
                       WADE
So, everyone know everyone's
names?
                                                            
                       SANDI
I'm Sandi.
                                                            
Wade smiles.
                                                            
                       WADE
And I'm Wade. We done?
                                                            
                       SANDI
Yes, let's eat.
                                                            
                       WADE
You wanna just eat out? Maybe each
other...
                                                            
                       SANDI
Funny.
                                                            
Wade and the three girls start walking towards the
restaurant. Kevin and Scott purposely lag behind.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
She's pretty.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Yeah. She's not bad.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You still celibate?
                                                            

95.

                       KEVIN
Unfortunately.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
Might not have to be for long.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
How 'bout you?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You know what I could be doing
instead of eating with you guys?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
You mean...?
                                                            
Scott smiles for the first time.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
You shouldn't have invited me.
                                                            
 
INT. SCOTT'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
The camera never moves nor does the shot change. Everything
is static. There's a clock beside the futon which is visible
to the audience. Right now, it reads:
                                                            
11:28 PM
                                                            
Scott Ripsil, in shorts and a plain white shirt, sits on his
futon with a PS3 controller in his hand. He's not pressing
any buttons, which suggests he's watching a DVD instead of
playing a video game. The 'Angel' theme can be heard
emanating from the television set.
                                                            
                       FELICIA (O.S.)
What season are we on?
                                                            
                       SCOTT
The fourth one, my favourite.
                                                            
Felicia enters the frame and sits beside Scott.
                                                            
                       SCOTT
This is when Wesley is fully
badass.
                                                            
                       FELICIA
Don't spoil it for me.
                                                            

96.

                       SCOTT
      (wistfully)
I wish I could see it for the
first time again.
                                                            
                       FELICIA
      (playfully)
There are some advantages to
having already seen it.