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Dubie Run (a somewhat true story)
by Craig Frankel (craig@marketyardmortgage.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Narrator dressed in a Jockey outfit is standing by the
Paddock as a Horse is going around Paddock Circle, horse
drops a shit and it starts steaming on the ground.
Some people have all the luck and
some don't, some have great runs
and some just have the runs. This
is the story of the later, but
hope springs eternal and in order
to understand how we got to where
we are today we have to go back to
the past of John Dubie.
Narrator takes another whiff of the horse-shit and turns to
the horse in the paddock.
      (Looking at his
Hey... do you know that you are
hung like a horse.
Circa early 70's the A Train pulls into the stop for
Aqueduct Racetrack, Train stops, doors open and a mass of
people just start running (like the running of the bulls)
from the Train to the entry gates of the Racetrack, Dubie
and Dad are running with them.
Hey dad why are we running the
races don't start for another
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Looking at his
Not quite sure son but it's part
of what we do when we get to the
Racetrack just like the stretch
run right pop.
Grandpa nods.
      (Sitting on Bench
       at Track)
Hey dad where's Grandpa?


                       DADDY DUBIE
Don't know son wasn't he right
behind us coming off the train?
Show in slo-motion people coming off the train and several
geting trampled one of them being Grandpa.
      (Looking backwards)
There's Grandpa!
                       DADDY DUBIE
What happenned pop?
                       GRANDPA DUBE
      (Looking all
                       DADDY DUBIE
Well Pop let's get you a dog and a
shot and you'll be ok and by the
way Happy 13th Birthday son in our
religion today you are viewed as a
man so make sure you bet like one,
who do you like in this race?
I like Your In, he had a 3 Furlong
Bullett workout yesterday.
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Tears rolling
       down his eyes, he
       then throws down
       a shot of
Now I know my training is complete
when you can pick up on that son
it proves to me that you are a
Horse's are making the turn to come down the homestretch,
Dubie, Daddy and Grandpa with betting tickets waving in hand
are at the beginning of the homestretch. They start running
down the homestretch with the horses Grandpa falls down
behind them as he trips over a bench.
      (Screaming with
C'mon Your In C'mon Your In.


Your In is still coming down the homestretch as Dubie, Dad
and all the other horses pass the finish line.
Dad what happened Your In still
hasn't finished the race do you
think he got hurt?
                       DADDY DUBIE
Son I believe that Your In pissed
on all of us here with that
performance and with my bet of the
mortgage payment on him he
deserves to get pissed on because
I'm pissed off.
Dad jumps over the rail and takes a leap that knocks the
Jockey off the horse, he then wrestles the horse to the
ground, and all you hear is a zipper open.
Dad don't do it, don't do it.
Track security jumps over the rail and tackles Dad before
he can piss on Your In. Grandpa is in the background taking
a piss on the rail.
      (Wearing a jock
       strap over his
       Jockey outfit.)
Aren't they a pisser, well it was
all down hill after that as all
the luck that could go bad did
creating a not so fuzzy home life
for Dubie.
Dad, Dubie and Grandpa are at the NY Knicks Portland
Trailblazers game drinking heavily with dad's Bookmaker, dad
starts to rise in his chair.
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Turning to Bookie
       who is Clams'
Ok Knicks just kill the clock and
we win by three and cover the two
point spread and you owe me 20
large baby.


Frazier inbounds to Monroe and
WHAT, I can't believe it he is
taking a shot at his own basket
and it goes in as time expires
Knicks win by one what was he
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Looking at
Holy Shit that mother fucker just
cost me twenty grand that I now
owe you, I'm going to get that
piece of shit.
Dad jumps onto the Garden floor and starts running at Monroe
as the Police grab him. Grandpa gives Monroe the finger then
looking enraged pours beer on his own head. Dubie looks at
Grandpa and is just shaking his head..
                       DADDY DUBIE
How much did you have on the game,
I hope you choke on a Pearl.
Dad gets taken to the Precinct where he is booked and then
released. The three generations are walking away from the
Prencinct the shot is from behind where they all look the
                       YOUNG DUBIE
Isn't this great that we all get
to sleep together, this is the
                       DADDY DUBIE
Thank god our children are happy
with this and are not affected by
the sudden change in location.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
You are so fucked-up don't you
think that when they look back
they are going to realize what an
asshole you were. Because of your
drinking and gambling we have to
live with my mother, you are an


                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Show wire
       sticking out of
       his ear)
Oh yeah, we'll see.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
What's that wire?
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Show Radio under
It's for my transistor radio.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
And why are you listening to a
transistor radio at twelve o'clock
at night.
West Coast games are not final I
need to get the scores.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
      (Waking everyone
Get the hell out of this bed and
go get some help for yourself.
      (Waking up)
What's going on mom?
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Nothing son just your father is
trying to earn a living with shit
in his ears. Go back to sleep.
Dubie goes back to sleep then has a dream of his Grandfather
running on the racetrack handing off a baton to his father
then to him.
      (Narrator dressed
       like John
       Travolta from
       Saturday Night
The Disco scene had taken over
Dubies life and he was living the


                       NARRATOR (cont'd)
Dubie circa 1979 dressed in the disco theme of the time
(white patent leather shoes) hanging out at the infamous
square Kings Hwy Bklyn as girls in convertibles are cruising
along with the guido's of the time.
Hey, Buddy look over there those
girls are looking right at us they
want a piece of our boogie ass
ready to jump into that car of
girls with me?
Lets do it man.
Buddy and Dubie jump into the backseat of the girls
convertible car cruising the Hwy. Donna Summer Hot Stuff
playing on the radio.
Where are you girls taking us?
                       CAR GIRL
Wherever you want to go.
How bout our place, we can get
some drinks and smoke some pot.
                       CAR GIRL
Sounds great.
Hey what's your names?
As girls raise the volume on the radio Dubie and Buddy do a
high five in the backseat.
      (Pulinh a hair out
       of his mouth)
Even when Dubie got lucky there
was always a hair attached.
Dubie opens the door to the apartment as they all walk in.
                       CAR GIRL
      (With the smell
       hitting her)
You got cats!!


Dubie and Buddy are with car girl first they are drinking
and smoking pot then Dubie and Buddy go into the bedroom to
have sex in dark bedroom with her.
                       CAR GIRL
Listen I don't mind doing you boys
but four's a crowd before we do
anything Bob has to go.
No problem I'll make sure Bob
Buddy leaves the bedroom and goes over to Bob.
Listen she wants you to leave but
just go hide in the closet here
and Ill come out to get you when
I'm done and she wont know the
I live here too, OK but not to
long it's hot in here.
Don't worry when I'm done I'll
come out and get you and you can
go in.
Buddy goes back into bedroom and brings Car Girl out to show
her that Bob has left.
You see Bob is gone.
                       CAR GIRL
Let's get hot in the bedroom.
Yeah baby!
Buddy and Dubie start having a sex trilogy with Car Girl.
Hey Dube I'm done, I'm going to
get Bob in here she wont even know
that it's not me.
Yeah man!


Buddy goes out to get Bob out of closet, show Bob drenched
in sweat.
What was taking so fucken long.
Exactly what you said.
Am I up kemo sabe?
Dube is just finishing up and have
fun Chief-cum-to-quick.
Dubie is starting to have sex with her from behind as Bob
enters the scene.
Hey Bob get in here.
Yeah baby.
All of a sudden Bob goes down on the car girl.
      (Looking for Bob)
Hey Bob where are you? Those are
my balls, who just licked my balls
it cant be you car girl, what the
fuck Bob you just licked my fucken
balls what the fuck.
Buddy hears the yelling and comes into the room and turns on
the lights.
                       CAR GIRL
You assholes are all fucked up.
Show Bob moaning then throwing up
with his head hanging over the
What the fuck were you thinking.
      (In between
I never ate a girl out before.


And you pick now to do that, while
I'm in her and she's already taken
a few ounces.
Bob's head is hanging in disgust while puking some more.
Buddy is hysterical in the background.
Unfuckenbelievable I can't even
get laid without some guy licking
my balls.
      (Toking on a Dubie
       dressed like
       Johnny Appleseed)
Dubie was unaware that the apple
never fell off the tree.
Narrator bites into an Apple then slides a sleeve of Oreo's
down his mouth.
      (With Oreo's
       spewing out of
       his mouth)
Anyone GOT MILK?
Dubie and Buddy ARE parking his 1977 blue Cadillac Coupe
with MR.DUBIE on the license plate, they then smoke pot have
a few shots then enter Twiggs Disco on Long Island in their
typical disco attire and reading a sign that says Dance
Contest Tonight Fifty Dollar Prize to winners.
Let's do it man we can use the
money for weed and rent.
OK but I'm sure that there is a
lot of dance talent here, we need
to do something special.
I got just the thing for us bro.
Several entrants who are as good as people on dancing with
the stars do their dance routines then Dubie and Buddy go on
they are juggling fruit from the bar (strawberries,


pineapples and olives are being caught in their mouths in
slo-mo) as they are doing the freak to the song freak out.
                       DISCO BARTENDER
Where did all my fruit go?
Dubie and Buddy win the contest, afterwards they are smoking
a victory Dubie then buying some hot dogs from a roach coach
outside the club as the other contestants walk by and give
Dubie and Baron the evil stare. Dubie then proceeds to
release some gas on the contestants, he then realizes the
gas has an overwhelming toxicity and the contestants start
gagging and running away. Dubie then gets in the car with
Buddy and is not feeling so well he has an overwhelming
desire to go to the bathroom.
Stop the car immediately.
Dubie runs back into the club; is now on the toilet sweating
with a smile on his face. He walks out of the bathroom and
see'e Buddy walking towards him with two girls, the girls go
in the restroom and Buddy walks over to Dubie.
Bud what's the story bro?
Listen they only speak spanish no
english at all, the one I'm with
is ready to go but the taller one
La Prima I'm not sure about?
Buddy let's do this but you have
to tell me what I should say in
Spanish to La Prima ok.
Ok, no problem we'll keep it
simple ok.
The first thing you want to tell
her is en la boca si?
Ok what does that mean.


It means how are you today?
Great got it La Prima en la boca
That's perfect.
Girls come out of the bathroom and Buddy's girl is all over
him immediately, Dubie seeing that walks up to La Prima.
La Prima en la boca si?
La Prima stunned by that remark punches Dubie in the face
and he goes down for the count as La Prima start's walking
towards the exit Dubie comes to, Buddy and his girl are down
on the floor with him.
So Buddy I guess that wasn't a how
are you today that I asked her.
       hysterically with
       his girl)
Not quite.
Then what did I ask her?
      (Trying to hold in
       his laughter)
Well first of all her name is not
La Prima she is her cousin and
cousin in Spanish is La Prima and
then you asked the cousin if she
takes it in the mouth?
Ok then Buddy I'm going to kick
your ass.
Chill bro I've convinced my girl
here to go to Plato's and I'll go
ask the cousin if it's cool with
her as well, you know you can't
get in their unless you a bring a


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
chick in with you.
I know but I don't believe
whatever her name is, what is her
name anyway?
      (Looking confused)
I don't believe after that Colitta
will want to go to Plato's are you
kidding me she just punched me out
for asking her If I could put my
dick in her mouth, and now we're
going to ask her if she would like
to go to the most hedonistic place
in NY. A place where there is a
chance that she might get laid
multiple times by multiple people?
      (Looking debonair)
Just come on outside I will work
it out.
Dubie is just listening to Buddy talk to La Prima and then
La Prima shakes her head and gets into Dubie's car with
Buddy and his girl, Buddy put's his window down.
Dube let's go.
      (In shock)
I'm coming I believe I will be
coming yeah baby let's do this.
Buddy by the way how did you
convince La Prima to go?
I just told her if she goes and
she does'nt like it we will give
her cab fare to go home and we
will hang.
That's why you get laid with the
big bucks baby.


Plato's man let get fucken nuts.
They take off in the car.
      (Dressed as a old
       time Chinese
       Person Ordering
       At A Chinese Take
Combination Platter please and
that means food not women.
      (Turning To Camera)
Some combinations don't go down as
Dubie is waiting inside a patient room at his doctor's
office. Doctor then walks in.
                       DUBIE DR.
Just as we thought John you have
                       DUBIE DR.
Gastroflatulitis,It's a disease
that creates a noxious gas when
food, alcohol, and an herb mix in
the body. That explains the hot
dog, Vodka and weed combination.
The side effects are nuclear gas
from your ass and the potential
loss of control of your bowel
movements. Meaning that each time
you have that combination the
potential is there for you to blow
someones house down or shit all
over yourself.
But Doc I love Hot Dogs and I have
a rep to keep up with the weed.
                       DUBIE DR.
You know how I feel about the weed
John (can't get enough), but this
is serious and can cause other


                       DUBIE DR. (cont'd)
parts of your body to fail as
well. I have some pills here for
you to take anytime you have the
nuclear gas or think that you are
losing control of your bowel
movements and please stay away
from that combination.
OK Doc.. and by the way can I pay
my co-pay with a nickel bag?
Dubie and Buddy are on their way to the NY Ranger hockey
game in Buddy's car.
      (Smoking a Dube)
I think its going to be a great
Ranger game tonight and you know
what I think that Dean Talafous is
going to score the first goal
He has maybe three goals all
season after 75 games and what are
the odds of you picking his name
out of the envelope.
      (Passing the Dube
       to Buddy)
I'm sure that they are high and
even higher for him to be the
first goal of the night so the
higher we get the better our
chances are.
Buddy and Dubie are on their way to their seats going
through the Garden staircase where everyone is smoking pot
and saying hello to them they are up in the Blues of the old
Garden and they see the guy selling dollar tickets for who
will score the first goal of the game by a Ranger.
      (Handing Envelope
       guy a dollar)
Let me get one of those tickets.


Me too.
Buddy and Dubie open up their tickets and Dubie turns to
Buddy and shows him the ticket he got.
Holy Shit.
What did I tell ya.
The game starts and three minutes into the game Dean
Talafous scores the first goal of the game. Dubie and Buddy
are screaming they then go to the envelope guy to cash in
their ticket.
Dube you know I'm pretty good with
math but you will not believe the
odds on what just happened,
between telling me then picking
the Dean Talafous ticket and him
then actually scoring the first
goal is more than six million to
one, unbelievable.
Yeah six million to one and I end
up winning $15, what a tragedy.
Dubie calls his home from the Garden to check in .
Hey mom everything ok.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
It's bad you know Thursday night
is Poker and shot night for your
father he just finished playing
and drinking and is at Hartins
Resataurant right now abusing the
waitresses. They are going to call
the cops unless someone goes there
to get him and by the way they
turned the electricity off at the
house because your father gambled
away the money.
I'm on my way.


Dubie walks into the restaurant and here's his father going
off in a drunkard stupor.
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Waitress walking
Son can you get me some scrambled
eggs here they waitress' have no
fucken clue how to get me my eggs.
Dad you are drunk and we need to
get out of here before the police
                       DADDY DUBIE
Son I want my eggs or I'm not
fucken leaving.
Chill out how bout we get them to
go will that be ok.
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Thinking for a
Ok son that will work.
Allright dad don't move or say
anything to anybody I'll be right
Dubie walks over to the manager and explains the situation
and the manager shakes his head ok and sends a waitress over
to the table.
                       HARTINS WAITRESS
Ok how do you want your eggs?
                       DADDY DUBIE
H O T just like you honey!
                       HARTINS WAITRESS
      (Walking away)
You fucken asshole!
                       DADDY DUBIE
What did I say?


Dad we're out of here let's go
right now or you are going to be
                       DADDY DUBIE
      (Looking at the
Ok I'll go I knew the egg-bitch
would'nt make them for me.
      (Just bewildered)
Dad move it!
Dubie's standing outside a NYC Night Club hot dog stand
dressed in the new wave fashion of the times.
      (Dressed like lead
       singer from Flock
       of Sea Gulls)
Dubie was on his way to venturing
into uncharted territory as his
addictions took control of him he
was unaware that his own tragedies
were just around the corner.
      (Slurring his
Line me up four dogs with mustard,
onions, kraut and relish.
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
      (Yidish Accent)
OK we call these, dogs the hard
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
When you eat this many hot dogs
with that much stuff on it you are
more than likely going to crap
Dubie eats all four within seconds.
Give me another four the hard way
(he looks at his name tag and
calls him by his name) Schmodog


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
I'm doubling down.
Show Dubie going back into the night club after eating the
hot dogs and farting up a storm as people pass by him they
are choking on his gas. Dubie is drinking, smoking and doing
cocaine in the club's party room.
Shoe lace time.
Show cocaine guy putting down line's of cocaine as long as a
                       COCAINE GUY
Tune up time.
      (Doing the whole
Let's get this party started.
                       COCAINE GUY
Essy does it Cowboy you are out of
Just keep lining them up and the
world will be a better place.
                       COCAINE GUY
For now, but I don't want to be
around when you come down.
      (Current day
Twenty five years of drinking,
gambling, smoking and over-eating
can takes it's toll on anyone
including the Dubester.
Dubies studio apartment in the Bronx that's a mess, an old
box TV is on with lines going through a half black and white
half color screen that has an ad for making your self a
better person on it. Then obesity in America commercial
comes on. You can only see a shadow of Dubie but you hear


someone snoring as the phone rings with an old time ring
Buster's office with a name plate on his desk Buster Balls.
John it's your boss Buster where
the fuck are you.
Sup ball buster?
You were supposed to be here an
hour ago to go over the toilets we
were going to show to Alexis
Is it that time already.
John this is it if you don't get
this deal then you are done, you
are supposed to be at her office
at 1pm. Don't be late and make
sure no dogs,drugs or drinking
along the way.
I know balls I've got my d's under
You better because you know that
you have more addictions then
cottonelle has wipes and have
excessive gastroflatulence and
when you eat hot dogs there is no
telling what is going to come out
of you.If your father didn't save
my ass in Korea and give me the
idea to open up Save Your Ass
Toilet Bowl Company then I would
never have put up with you.
Don't you think I know what I


Don't forget no dogs, no drinking,
no weed and get your tsunami ass
over their right now.
Dubie hangs up phone then falls back to sleep he has a dream
that takes place in his parental home he is approximately 17
years old he picks up the telephone and gets no dial tone.
Mom the phone is broke.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
No son your father gambled away
the money to pay the bill so you
need to use the phone in the
Great I'll never do that what an
asshole he is.
Dubie's dream then shows his father running on a beach with
a baton handing it to him and then Dubie running towards
someone he can't make out in the distance.
Dubie gets up from his Archie Bunker chair and appears to be
a good 450 pounds, the TV is now showing the movie Animal
House and you hear the line in the background short fat and
stupid is no way to go through life.
      (Turning to the
Why the fuck not?
Then turning to his Daschund dog.
      (Cuddling the Dog.)
Humper , Balls said I can't have
any Hot Dog's today but I can have
you my little hot dog and I know
you want a hit and a shot so let
me help you out.
Dubie picks up a bottle of Jack takes a slug then kisses his
dog with the liquor going all over the dog's mouth, then
takes a few puffs on a joint and shotguns his dog some of
his smoke. He then starts walking into the bathroom and he
starts stripping turns on the shower peals off his scarred
underwear and you see the sloppiest old-time ass ever. He
gets into the shower and starts singing.


If I were an Oscar Meyer Wiener
everyone would be in love with me.
Dubie then farts, pan over to dog who has the munchies
eating everything in the pantry then humping away.
Dubie starts walking down the stairs of his tenement when he
sees two guys walking in the front door.
That mother fucker better have our
money Zito.
Well if not the boss said we can
open him up like the beluga ass
whale that he is.
      (Turning to run
       back up the
Oh shit it's Broccoli Rob and his
assmate Zito the Zit.
Dubie turns around starts to run ass fast as he can with his
ass jiggling all around. He runs up to the roof of the
building and starts going down the fire escape then as he is
almost on the ground he gets stuck in the fire escape
portion that leads to the ladder to the ground. Broccoli Rob
and The Zit catch up to Dubie and Zitto kicks him in the
Take that you fat fuck.
That was for fun, if you don't
have the twenty thousand you owe
Joey Clams then we are going to
make Tiramisu out of your brains
right now.
Can it wait till I close my next


Only if that takes place in the
next five seconds.
Dubie tries to wiggle free to no avail and then Zit seeing
that, kicks him in the head which jars him loose and he hits
a bunch of garbage bags on the ground which soften the fall.
He rolls over two or three times gets up on his feet and
starts running toward his car which is the same blue 1977
Cadillac Coupe with MR.DUBIE on the license plate. Brocco
and Zit are in hot pursuit but Dube just gets away and
starts heading downtown towards Alexis R. Firm's office. He
makes a cell phone call to his friend Buddy.
Buddy what's up bro.
      (Driving in his
       fancy car.)
All good bro what's going on.
Hey bro I need some help I owe the
bookies 20 large and they are
after me, anyway you can help me
Dube look I have helped you out
with money and favors more times
than you have even asked for but I
can't see you go through this
anymore and I've got to give you
the tough love answer bro, I'm
I appreciate that bro I'm sorry to
put you in that position bro.
No problem how's your mom doing?
She as good as could be expected
living with a person who should be
in an insane asylum.


      (Zipping off in
       the distance)
Sorry, send my regards, lov ya
bro, take care.
You too.
Brocco and Zit start heading downtown as well looking for
Dubie is two blocks away from his meeting, he just finishes
smoking a roach, takes a swig of Vodka he pulled out of the
glove box then stops at a light and smells the aroma of a
hot dog vendors cart. He can't control himself and he pulls
over to the cart.
I only smoked a roach and took a
small shot of Vodka it shouldn't
bother my stomach having a few
dogs, hey whats up Schmodog
                       HOT DOG VENDOR
      (Looking excited
       to see Dubie.)
Dubie how are you?
Not so good Schmo, the ponies
haven't been good to me neither
have the Knicks, Devils, Rangers,
Mets, Nets or Yanks.
Why those teams are winning.
Yeah but there not covering the
Gambling is like a diaper it
smells fresh when you start out
but eventually it's going to be
full of shit.
Are those words of wisdom.


Best I could do Dube, what will it
Four the hard way.
Shmodog prepares the dogs with all the fixing's and Dubie
swipes and eats them up in seconds.
As he does that Kobeoshe and Joey Chestnuts are behind him.
                       NATHANS FAMOUS GUYS
Not to bad.
Four more the same way Schmo
have'nt eaten since 11AM
Dubie eats the final four dogs gets into his car and pulls
into a spot in front of Alexis building. As he gets out he
sees that he has been spotted by Broc and Zit and starts
running. As he is running into the building he lets out a
fart but there is a surprise.
Holly shit I can't believe I just
shit myself. I can't believe I
just shit in my pants. I didn't
even have a chance to take a pill,
Get that mother fucker.
Dubie runs into the building where he is having the meeting
and runs into one of the crowded elevators. Broc and Zit
didn't see which elevator he went into.
You take that elevator I will take
the stairs there are only three
floors so you get off on the first
floor and then go up to the
second. I will walk up to the
third and meet you down on the
second, call me on the cell if you
see him I will do the same.


Alexis office is on the third floor and their is a fog that
is starting to appear in the elevator that Dubie is in.
Everyone in the crowded elevator is either sweating or
gagging because they can't deal with the smell that has just
entered the elevator with them.
Dubie with sweat all over his face can't wait for the
elevator to get to three, it finally does. People coming off
the elevator are gagging as Dubie steps out of the elevator
he sees the stair's door opening and Zit coming out the
door, Dubie ducks into the bathroom.
Zit comes upon the open front door to the Alexis R. Firm
Perfume Company.
Did you see a short fat guy that
smells like shit?
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
No sir but we are a perfume maker
and there are only the finest
aroma's here.
I'll smell you later honey.
Dubie meanwhile is in a stall in the bathroom and he just
got his underwear off of him and has not had a chance to
wipe his ass he hears the bathroom door open.
Where are you Dubie.
Zit starts kicking open stall-doors with his gun out.
Meanwhile Dubie has jimmy-rigged his underwear to the toilet
pusher and coat holder on the back of the door. He has
managed to get over to another stall by rolling his body
underneath. Zito opens the door and shit goes flying all
over him. That moment Dubie jumps out of the other stall and
pushes Zit into the stall where all the shit came from. Zits
gun goes off and hits a pipe on the wall that is holding
excrement in it, shit goes flying all over the bathroom,
Dubie then runs out of the bathroom.
I need to wipe my ass, I need to
wipe my ass.
Dubie gets to the reception area of Alexis R. Firm's office.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
What is that smell.


Receptionist almost barfs, does a minimal upchuck.
I believe someone had an accident
in the bathroom. I'm hear to see
Alexis R Firm I am John Dubie.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
She has been expecting you, she is
in a meeting now but you can wait
in her office if you would like.
Great I will.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
Her office is right this way.
Receptionist shows Dubie into Alexis office while she has
her hand over her mouth and closes door behind him.
I need to find something to wipe
my ass with.
Dubie looks all around the office and there is nothing for
Dubie to wipe his ass with when all of a sudden a white
furry cat comes out from behind Alexis desk, Dubie puts a
grin on his face and then the scene breaks away to Alexis
walking into her office a few minutes later. She is a
beautiful blond with big firm breasts.
Hello I am Alexis R Firm and what
is that smell?
      (Looking at here
       breasts and
       speaking meekily)
They are. I mean I am that smell,
I believe there was an accident in
the bathroom.
Alexis hears her cat crying and pulls him out from under the
desk and coddles him before she can see that he has shit
streaks going up and down his body.
What happenned he has shit all
over him and now it's all over me
holy shit.


He must have been in the men's
room when the incident took place.
Zit with shit all over him meets up with Rob at the
reception desk of Alexis office.
Where have you been, Dubie booby
trapped the stall in the bathroom.
      (Smoking an after
       sex Cigarette)
I got myself off on the first
floor like you said but it took a
while to get it up being in a busy
hallway and all, and now here I am
on the second floor like you said.
Holly shit man you smell, and
actually are shit.
What the fuck, are you telling me
you jerked-off on the first floor.
That's what you said, I heard it
perfectly clear you said."Get-off
on the first floor."
I meant get off not get-off
Receptionist throws up as we go back to the meeting with
Dubie and Alexis.
      (Like she was
What happenned in the bathroom.
Well some say that it was like a
shit bomb was dropped on
Hiroshima. There is shit all over
the bathroom.
Dubie and Alexis are on the computer at her desk and it
seems like Alexis is getting turned on with the ass smell of


I will look into that incident
when we are done here.
Here are a few of our top selling
toilet bowls to choose from for
your home, first we have the Lord
of The Rings.
They are looking at a toilet that looks like a thrown.
Next is my personal favorite with
a load capacity up to 80lbs and a
speed rating that can handle
incoming @ 150 miles per hour.
When you need to get strapped in
the Hemi-Roid Warrior should be
the tool you use.
Show toilet with fire stripes on it, a seat belt and
Next is our number one seller, you
know what a Bede is right, Alexis
shakes her head. Well this is the
be-do-me for those couples who
like their toilets sensual.
They are looking at a Bede with a penis that shoots water up
and two breasts where in between them you can clean your
      (Snapping out of
       the trance.)
Well those are quite amazing but
I'm looking for something more
conventional. Your Uncle told me
that if I didn't have enough time
today that you wouldn't mind
coming to my house to do the
measurements for the toilets and
showing me your entire inventory.
Yes, no problem Mrs. Firm.
It's miss and is tomorrow night at
seven ok.


      (sounding excited)
Ok, its perfect.
Dubie sneaks out down the stairs while Zit and Rob are still
lurking around looking for him meanwhile the Hazmat team in
full gear has just arrived to clean up the bathroom.
                       HAZMAT MAN
Ok where's the problem.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
In the bathroom I believe there is
a radiological spill of gastric
Pan to bathroom and show a baby nuclear cloud, on the wall
etched in shit it reads DUBIE WAS HERE!
Dubie pulls up to a house that has a neon sign that reads
Professional Acupuncture. Dubie walks right in to the house.
      (Emphatic voice.)
Honey I'm home.
                       MAMA SAN
      (Chinese Accent)
You should have ez-pass for this
place you come so often.
Dubie is getting sprayed down by Mama-San, she sees shit all
over his ass.
You miss toilet on journey here?
Nope just had a little incident.
                       MAMA SAN
Little is fortune cookie look to
me like too much time with poo poo
platter. You done, go into room
three and wait for new girl.
Show Dubie waiting on table with towel over him face-up.
Masseuse walks in.


      (Chinese Accent)
Mama San say you want happy time.
I believe it's happy ending.
I hear you a quick and leaky one
never make to end.
Allrighty then.
Ok frip over.
As Dubie flips over he cuts a terrible gassy fart.
What that smell.
Sorry, some lingering effects from
my day.
Oh you funny boy.
Show Dubie at home nodding out on the couch, then having a
What a day, need a big break or I
can never have Alexis R Firm.
Dream sequence,Dubie getting married to Alexis, they are at
the cocktail hour pounding down hot dogs from Schmodog's hot
dog cart, there is also a wedding cake made out of hot dogs.
Show them raising up Alexis (while playing hava na gila)in
the chair and while in the chair she cuts a fart that
everyone hears.
Oops, sorry I leaked a little bit.
Crowd cheers her gas.
Dubie is being raised up in the chair he cuts a fart that
levels the guys raising him up, he falls right on top of


Dubie's on honeymoon in Caribbean staying at the Schpilka's
Beach Hotel having a couples massage outside and being
rubbed down with the juice from the hot dog packages.
Is this the life or what?
      (Sexy voice)
You hot, dog you.
Dubie wakes up to the Phone ringing.
      (Looking for a
       roach to light in
       the Ash Tray)
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Its your mother, everything ok.
Fine mom what's up?
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Just wanted to remind you that we
are meeting tomorrow at Coney
Yes mom I know, Ill be there
around three, ok.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
OK and don't forget three o'clock
OK I just said I will be there at
                       MOTHER DUBIE
That's three PM ok.
      (Hanging up phone)
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Three hours after 12 ok.


Dubie's driving into Brooklyn along Belt Parkway smoking a
Dube takes a shot of Vodka, Tom Petty's Running down a dream
on the radio. All of a sudden his cell phone starts ringing.
Dubie is looking all over front of car while driving to find
phone, finds it in bag of pot.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
      (Calling Dubie
       from cell phone)
Where are you? I have been waiting
hours for you to get here.
Ma I just spoke to you, a half
hour ago and told you I was on my
way you know it takes about forty
five minutes to get to you and I'm
fifteen minutes away, what's the
                       MOTHER DUBIE
You're late, and I want to go walk
on the Boardwalk, meet me by the
Ok mom but I'm on time and I'll
see you there is dad going to be
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Nope he's at OTB.
Dubie gets off the parkway and sees a big crowd of people
surrounding Nathan's Famous, he pulls the car over to ask
someone what is going on.
What's going on here.
It's the Nathans Famous Hot Dog
eating contest today man.
Thanks man.
Dubie pulls into a spot by the Aquarium and sees his mother
walking in circle's.


Mom what are you doing.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Trying to figure out how many
times I need to do the same thing
over and over before I get it.
Get what.
Get the fact that your life has
been one big circle jerk of
problems that you continually
repeat over and over. So all I
wanted to do is see if there is an
end to the circle of jerk at some
Mom you're being way to dramatic.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Am I, I had a visit from a
Broccoli Rob and Mr. Zit this
morning do those names ring a
You're kidding me I'm sorry mom,
did you give them any money for
Son, I would start yelling at you
but I know the apple never even
fell off the tree. Let's take a
walk. You see I believe that your
bad habits are in your DNA. Your
father, his father and his father
and more than likely previous
generations before that, have all
had the degenerate gene and you
certainly have not been spared. As
a matter of fact I believe that
two atoms split inside you and
have created what is call the mega
degenerate gene.
Mom how do you know this.


                       MOTHER DUBIE
I'm very familiar with chemistry
after all I've been married to
your father for a long time and he
is a great chemist.
Mom dad is a degenerate gambler
not a chemist.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Then how can you explain him being
able to turn money
into shit.
I see your point, but he hasn't
always been that bad.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Son I believe the only day he had
his act together was the day he
married me.
Mom you know dad did tell me that
was the best day of his life
                       MOTHER DUBIE
      (Getting weepy)
Son he actually said that.
Yeah as he puts it. It was
Kentucky Derby day and he hit a
sixty two dollar horse and once he
found out his dad got the bet in
it turned out to be the best day
of his life.
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Figures, they even coined a
moniker after your dad's nickname
Whitey that is used to describe
people today, they used to call us
Whitey trash now were called white
Did'nt know that, how is dad doing


                       MOTHER DUBIE
He's running OTB.
He is!
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Yes you should go there and see
him sometime.
A much older, slower Daddy Dubie is running inside of OTB
during the stretch call of a race with tickets in his hand.
People are looking at him in amazement as to what he is
Don't think so. Not after what
happenned with Grandpa's funeral
and burial.
Are you still not over that?
Mom did you forget what he did. He
dug up Grandpa's body two days
after they buried him because he
buried him with a ticket from the
day he passed away's races that
later that day he found out was a
winning ticket
                       MOTHER DUBIE
Yeah that's not exactly true I
think it was a week later that he
dug him up.
Dubie is just shaking his head in disbelief.
As they are walking towards Nathan's one of the contestants
in the hot dog eating contest is backstage getting sick.
Rules official is called in to make determination.
Practiced to hard yesterday and
have been sick all morning can't
make it today.
                       HOT DOG OFFICIAL
No problem take care of yourself.
Rules official calls the MC over.


                       HOT DOG OFFICIAL
Kraut boy can't go so if you would
like we can pull another
contestant out of the crowd.
                       HOT DOG MC
Is that allowed.
                       HOT DOG OFFICIAL
Yup says so right here in the hot
dog handbook.
Official shows MC the rules book entitled everything you
need to know about NFHDEC but were afraid to ask.
                       HOT DOG MC
Ok let's go get us an eater.
                       HOT DOG MC
Hello Coney Island have I got news
for you, we are in need of one
more contestant for today's
competition anyone interested.
Fans are screaming to be picked.
                       HOT DOG MC
      (Pointing to Dubie)
You, you over there. You look like
you have eaten a few thousand hot
dogs in your day.
      (Muttering to
If he only knew.
Crowd goes wild everyone wants in, pan to three year old
with hand's raised on top of father's shoulder. Show fans
with hot dog hats on. Show people starting to point at Dubie
and cheering for him to get up on stage. He is sheepishly
denying the invite but the crowd starts pushing him towards
the stage and before he realizes it he is on the stage.
                       HOT DOG MC
And what is your name.
Dubie, John Dubie.
                       HOT DOG MC
Well John Dubie do you like hot


Lil bit.
                       HOT DOG MC
Well have you ever eaten multiple
hot dogs in one sitting?
Does standing count?
                       HOT DOG MC
It sure does as you see most of
our contestants stand while they
are competing.
OK then I believe one night I ate
sixty three hot dogs at Yonkers
                       HOT DOG MC
Sixty three that seems like a lot
of hot dogs how did you accomplish
Well it was free foot-long hot dog
night at Yonkers with your paid
admission and I just went around
picking up unused hot dog vouchers
off the floor.
                       HOT DOG MC
How much was the admission?
I believe three dollars at the
                       HOT DOG MC
Wow so you ate 63 foot-long dogs
for three bucks sounds like a
great deal and seems like we have
our man. But let me tell you about
a better deal going on here today.
If you can eat that many hot dogs
within the allotted time and I
believe 63 will be the winning
number then not only will you not
pay a dime for one of those hot
dogs but you will take the first
place prize which is the sum of


All of a sudden Dubies eyes open up wide and roll over like
a great whites.
No kidding $20,000, is that in
cash or a check.
                       HOT DOG MC
Any way you want it John Dubie.
Dubie now realizing that if he wins this he can clean the
slate with Clams. He starts getting psyched as you here the
theme song to eye of the tiger in the background.
Ok where do I go.
                       HOT DOG MC
Your place is right here and good
luck to you and all the rest of
our contestants.
                       HOT DOG MC
      (Boxing MC
Are you ready to rumble?
Crowd goes wild.
10 to 1 countdown then show
contestants devouring hot dogs
with Dubie keeping pace with the
leaders. Leaders are amazed at
Dubies eating style as they are
constantly looking at him keeping
Half way through the contestants start smelling something
that is awful, Dubie is on a fart barrage that he can not
contain. Contestants start gagging and puking forcing them
to be eliminated. The crowd starts covering their noses as
they start feeling the affects of the noxious gas. Joey
Chestnuts, Kobeoshe and Dubie are going at it dog for dog
with Joey and Kobeoshe struggling with the smell. The judges
are trying to find out where the smell is coming from while
the contest comes to an end.
                       HOT DOG OFFICIAL
And the winner with 65 hot dogs
eaten is John Dubie.


Yes, I can't believe it.
All of a sudden the official is asked to join the other
      (Turning to
What's going on?
                       HOT DOG OFFICIAL
      (On the mike)
Excuse me folks this is an unusual
situation as we have an inquiry
into the hot dog race.
Everyone on stage and in the crowd looks puzzled. The
officials go underneath a tarp like the replay officials in
the NFL do to look at the replay. They show the replay in
slow motion of Dubie while eating hot dogs you can actually
see the steam coming out of his ass. The board which posts
the order of finish clears out and they put Joey Chestnuts
name first and Dubie goes to last.
                       HOT DOG OFFICIAL
Excuse me folks based upon Rule
#186543 which is the rear
inflectional rule which states
that no noxious gas can be emitted
that would cause another
contestant to lose means that your
new winner is Joey Chestnuts.
The crowd goes wild Dubie plants himself ass top on the
official and starts belting him with gas, they finally pull
him off dejected and soiled. The official is taking oxygen
from the EMS that are there.
Just as Dubie thought his day couldn't get much worse when
he comes out from behind Nathan's, Broccoli Rob and Zit are
waiting for him.
Dubie is in a dark room tied to a chair. Door opens, Clams,
Zit and Broc walk into the room.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Dubie what brings you here? Let me
guess you have no money but you


                       JOEY CLAMS (cont'd)
have plenty of shit to offer right
Brocco. I heard that you take one
mean shit maybe just maybe I will
be able to see that today. I think
I will because today is your lucky
day. Do you want to know why?
Clams is just circling Dubie as he pulls Dubie's chairs
                       JOEY CLAMS
Do you want to know why Dubie.
Dubie is not saying a word.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Let me tell you why, today you are
going to make the wall of fame.
Clams turns the light's on and all around the room are
pictures of disfigured or dead people.
                       JOEY CLAMS
You see this guy he only owed us
$10,000 and he lost his arm. How
much you owe us?
I think $20,000 boss does that
mean we take both his arms boss.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Turning to Dubie)
No you asshole, Dubie is going to
get the Sheeropotist special. Do
you know what a sheeropotist is?
My dad used to see one for his
feet, but isn't it pronounced
Shiropotist or Chiropotist.
                       JOEY CLAMS
It certainly is, except when the
situation presents itself that the
feet need to be sheared off then
it's called sheeropotist. Zit get
me the saw.


Zit grabs a ten foot saw that loggers cut wood with that has
handles on both sides. They then take Dubies shoes and socks
      (Looking at Dubies
I don't know what smells worse
your ass or your feet. Aah what
the fuck are those.
Dubie's toenails are turned up like cooked shrimp.
Hey boss maybe we should give him
a pedicure first.
                       JOEY CLAMS
I agree, Dubie you've heard of a
curling iron well we have an
uncurling iron. Zit get me the
Zit pulls out a long iron from a heated pot stove, the tip
of the iron is pink because it is so hot.
                       JOEY CLAMS
You see Dubie once the tip gets
above 500 degrees it turns pink
and it would actually melt glass
any way you desire so since we
need to curl back your toe-nails
this should be no problem.
Clams starts burning the toe nails.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Oh I forgot to mention that once I
put this on your toe nail it will
remove the whole nail within a
second or two.
Dubie is bracing for the pain as Clams touches the big toe
with the iron. Within a second the toenail disintegrates and
Dubie is in shock as he sees his toe nail removed and the
blood is now all over his foot.
                       JOEY CLAMS
How bout it Dubie where is our


      (In a panic)
My toe nail is gone , OK OK I will
call my uncle and get the money
from him.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Hitting the
       Staples easy
       button on the
Excellent, now you see how easy
this works you are making this a
much more enjoyable pedicure for
      (In pain)
Mother fucker you roasted my toe
with that.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Nice then mean)
Now now Dubie here is a phone,
call your uncle and Zit make sure
we can hear it on speakerphone so
there is no funny business.
Whats the number Dube.
It's 1-800-ASS-WIPE
Don't get cute with us or we
continue the pedicure.
Dial it that's the number
Zit starts dialing the number and puts the phone on the
table for all to hear who picks up.
                       SYATBC RECEPTIONIST
Hello thanks for calling save your
ass how can we ass-ist you today.
Gina it's Dubie can you get Balls
on the phone for me.


                       JOEY CLAMS
That place sounds familiar I think
my Ex-wife is or was going to buy
stuff from them.
Background music on telephone is the song Baby Got Back.
Buster here.
Buster it's Dubie I'm in a jam. I
have you on speakerphone with Joey
Clams, Zito the Zit and Broccoli
Sound like the happy meal at
Pinero's Italian restaurant whats
the problem.
Well I owe Mr. Clams $20,000 and
if I don't pay I'm going to first
lose all mt toe-nails and then
both of my feet.
I've seen those toe-nails that
would not be a bad thing but I
need you to have you on your feet
so you can continue to sell for
                       JOEY CLAMS
Buster this is Clams if we don't
have the $20,000 today then we
will do what Dubie said we will.
We have already removed one of his
toe-nails by using a five hundred
degree prod and he is bleeding
pretty bad, but you can stop that
now can't you Balls.
      (Getting Pissed)
Nobody calls me Balls do me a
favor I will give you your money
but I want to make sure Dubie does
not have one more scratch on him,
you bring him here in two hours
and you will have your money.


Oh thank you Balls thank you I
will be forever indebted to you.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Its a deal but if anything goes
wrong then you are going to be
personally responsible, you hear.
I heard you Clams you'll have your
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Turning to Dube
       then Zit and Broc)
Nice uncle I guess the toilet bowl
business is not that shitty after
all. Get it toilet bowl, shitty.
Zit take Broc, Two Gun Tony and
The Neck over to Save Your Ass.
Why do they have to save my ass
I'm not in trouble am I?
                       JOEY CLAMS
No asshole the store Save My Ass.
Got it boss were going to Save My
Ass the store to save Dubie's ass.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Get going Zit before I prod your
ass and nobody will save it.
Dubie gets into a car with Zit, Two Gun and The Neck. They
are crammed two in the front, three in the back, Dube in the
back middle into a mint Red 1977 Cadillac Seville
convertible with spoke rims and white walls with the yellow
trim line on them.
      (Looking at the
       neck, then two
I see why they call you the neck
(neck is as round as a
basketball)but why do they call
you two guns? Is it because you
have two guns?


                       TWO GUNS
Yup, and let me show them to you.
Two guns pulls out a pistol and then a much bigger pistol.
I guess that gun makes up for your
lack of penis size.
Two guns elbows Dubie in the chin and knocks him out. Dubie
starts waking up as they pull in front of the Toilet Store.
Outside store is a big ass sitting on a toilet seat that is
hung above the store.
      (Pulling bloody
       tooth out of
Last thing I remember is something
about someones lack of penis size.
                       TWO GUNS
I'll take you out right now if you
don't shut the fuck up.
Easy guns we need him to collect
our 20k after that he's all
                       TWO GUNS
You are going to be my Bitch boy
got it.
Cant wait to get wined and dined
by you lil-dick.
Two-guns has to be pulled away from Dubie as they are
walking into Save My Ass.
We are here to see Mr. Balls
                       SYATBC RECEPTIONIST
Hey Dube these your friends.
Yes they are, please let me
introduce them to you.
Balls coming out of his office.


No time for introductions let's go
in the back.
As they pass through the the show-room the four gangsters
are marveling at the toilet bowls that are there. They then
pass through the door to the storage area and they get the
toilet attack delivered to them. First they are doused with
sewer water that has been taken off a sewer pipe off the
wall. They then try reaching for there guns and they get hit
with toilet rims from up above they then try to get to there
feet and they get ushered out of the storage area on toilet
bases on wheels. They are sitting ass deep in the bases as
they are pushed out onto a street that has a serious
      (Along with
       Balls.To the tune
       of the rotor
       rooter jingle)
Rotor-scooter isn't it sweet and
away goes trouble down the street.
You are good for now but you
better find away to take care of
that debt, they will be back.
Thanks Buster I know, I'm working
on it.
Dubie is in black socks and white underwear smoking a Dube
inside the closet of his apartment.
I've got to figure out what to
wear over to Alexis R. Firm. Let's
Dubie starts tossing stuff out of the closet because it is
a cluttered mess, he comes upon an old shoe box that he
opens up and a gleaming light hits his face, the pair of
white patent leather shoes that he wore back in the day are
in the box.
Oh my I can't believe that I still
have these and they are sparkling
like they were cleaned by Tommy


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
the mattress man.
      (Dressed in a
       Toilet Outfit)
The Tommy story goes like this,
back in the day Dubie lent his
apartment to his friend Tommy who
wanted to bring a girl back to
have sex with.
Thanks for letting me use the
apartment Dube.
      (White Patents On)
No problem going to The Club,
Dance Contest Tonight, be home
about two or three.
Perfect we will be out of here by
then, good luck.
Take care bro.
Dubie comes back at 2AM, he walks into the kitchen and Tommy
is there cleaning his mattress over the sink.
What the fuck Tommy.
Had a little accident.
Dubie gets closer and sees blood stains all over the
What did you do screw her to
You know I have the goods to do
that but no she leaked a little
bit, you know that time of the


Yeah I can do some damage but just
a little mess will have this
cleaned up for you like Mr. Clean
Dube ok.
A little bit it looks like you
stabbed her with your schlong
OK, but make sure next time you
ask your friend if she is leaking
oil before you have sex ok.
Ok, thanks again Dube.
Back to the closet and the shoes.
I wonder if these still fit?
Dubie struggles to get them on because his feet are so fat
now. But he gets them on and they look like they are about
to break.
I'm so pumped that I'm going to
see Alexis and its like a new
sensation coming over me I feel
that there is hope for me that I
can have a normal life after all.
In the background you hear the song New Sensation by INXS
come on the radio. Dubie starts the Tom Cruise dance scene,
jiggling fat with white underwear black socks and white
patent leather shoes on.
Dubie has just walked into the doorman building of Alexis in
      (Sitting at desk
       in Lobby)
Can I help you.
I'm here to see Alexis R. Firm


      (In a better than
       him manner.)
And why make I ask would she want
to see someone like you.
I'm here to assist her with some
interior design decisions.
You're an interior decorator then?
You might say that.
Say what?
That I'm an interior decorator.
Are you?
Are too.
Too what?
What you just asked.
Which was.
      (Getting upset)
Am I an interior decorator?
Says who?
Say I.
I who.
Alexis buzz's down.


I was expecting a John Dubie, did
he get here yet?
Is he a round and smelly looking
That's him.
I'll send him right up he's been
down here chatting with me.
Doorman turns to Dubie.
Sixth floor go right on up and do
me a favor don't stay around here
to long I don't believe that we
have enough gas masks to go around
with a smell like yours reeking
around here for too long a period
of time.
Dubie walks into elevator and stops his ass right at the end
of the door, before door closes he lets out some gas.
Doorman starts to look up from what he was reading as he
gets overwhelmed with a terrible noxious gas smell and
starts screaming.
His gas is in my airspace, wait
till he comes back down.
Show Dubie ringing buzzer.
I'm coming.
      (Muttering to
I hope I hear that again later.
      (Alexis opens door)
Hello John Dubie
Hello Alexis R. Firm


Please call me Al all my friends
Call me Dube I have no friends.
      (As she is
       smelling his air
       of gas)
Come inside please.
I brought our portfolio of toilets
for you to go over with me.
Great would you like a drink.
A drink drink or just a drink.
A drink drink.
How bout a high test iced tea.
Don't know what that is how about
some vodka?
Sounds great on ice.
Just as she goes towards the bar to make Dubie a drink her
ten year old son Brady comes out of his room.
Mom I don't feel good and who is
that person that doesn't smell so
That's John Dubie he is hear to go
over the new toilets we will be
getting and whats the matter son.


Dubie can you just give me a
moment or better yet would you
like to see what a cool bedroom
Brady has.
      (Walkling into
       Brady'd room)
Brady is the most well adjusted
person I have ever met. His father
was not and that's why we divorced
several years ago, he could have
cared less about Brady.
How can you not care about such a
wonderful kid?
He had many reasons or so he said,
but that's history.
They are in Brady's room and Dubie is amazed by the toys and
pictures in his room. Brady starts explaining what some of
them are.
      (Checking his
As I thought 102 no school for you
Dubie starts looking at the cool stuff Brady has in his room
and picks up what appears to be a cool picture frame shaped
like a shark.
That's a cool looking frame Brady.
Yeah that's a picture of me and my
dad when he took me fishing for
Marlin in Bermuda.
Dubie picks up the picture and all of a sudden he is in
shock as the camera pans back.


What's your dad's name.
Joey but dad says to call him the
big clam.
      (Still in shock)
Why the big clam.
He says that Clams are one of the
only living things that produce
something of value.
And what is that.
A pearl of course.
Brady I hate to correct your dad
but oysters produce pearls not
Yup I told that to my dad and he
said clams/oysters what's the
fucken difference.
      (Concerned mom
Brady watch your language.
Sorry mom just wanted to give the
correct version. Sorry Mr. Dubie.
No problem, but the human race has
also produced some wonderful
things as well.
Dad says that humans don't pay
back their debts as well as clams.
With clams you either have a pearl
or something good to eat inside,
they never give up nothing.


I guess he would know.
Do you see your dad alot?
He has visiting rights, he
actually just called my cell phone
and left a voice mail that he
didn't want to surprise me or you
mom and he is on his way up right
I think I have to go now.
He has no right to be here tonight
and John you just got here and we
haven't even started looking at
the toilets I am going to buy.
Wait till I see that bastard.
      (Holding his
I really don't feel well myself,
sour stomach.
Nice to meet you Mr. Dubie.
Call me John, please.
Ok John take care.
      (Walking towards
       the door with
Sorry I'm not feeling well but I
really did enjoy coming here and
meeting your son and can we do
this again sometime.
      (Enchanted by his
Would love to see you at my office
the day after tomorrow before


                       ALEXIS (cont'd)
Will do, bye for now.
      (Looking like a
       school girl)
Bye honey.
Dubie breaks for the staircase as Joey Clams is coming out
of the elevator. Joey Clams sees what he think is Dubie
getting into the staircase from afar but just shakes it off
thinking what would he be doing here.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Clams bangs on the door that Alexis is now opening.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Did someone just leave here?
Yeah you get the fuck out of here,
you have no business being here.
Clams twists Alexis arm.
                       JOEY CLAMS
I can be wherever I want you see I
will break your arm but I know you
need it to take care of my son.
I am calling the cops right now if
you don't let me go.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Go ahead they are all on my
payroll, what are they going to
Every dog has it's day and your
day asshole is coming.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Now your talking dog dirty to me
I like it like when we used to do
it dogie style, keep it going


You get the fuck out of here.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Backing off /
       Preppy Voice)
I am out of here, just came by to
give you Brady's jacket he left at
my house.
You could have called and I would
of had someone pick it up.
                       JOEY CLAMS
No no it's more fun coming here.
Not for me it's not.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Is Brady awake?
Not for you he's not.
      (Jumping into
       Clams' arms)
Daddy, daddy daddy.
Only if he he really knew who you
                       JOEY CLAMS
That's OK when he finds out that
you were giving his dad the VIP
treatment in the Champagne Room at
Look and Leak I'm sure he will be
fine with that, heh.
Over my dead body, that was a very
long time ago when I was very
young and very stupid but it
helped me pay for my PHD.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Putting Joey down)
Got to go son your mom isn't so
happy with my career choices for


Bye dad.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Bye son and you make sure you take
your friends money at school ok.
You do nothing of the sort, and
you get out of here.
Dubie was watching the interaction from the stairs.
I feel so helpless that I couldn't
come to the aide of the woman I am
in love with. I need to get high
Dubie run time.
Dubie gets a phone call and starts running down the stairs
so no one will hear the phone ring.
John its Buster I want you to go
to the Prestigious Golf Club in NY
tomorrow for me to take my place
in the outing you are going to be
playing with George Midas. I hurt
my foot so I wont be able to make
it. Be on your best behavior or
else, remember he is very big
client of mine so if you screw it
up I'm going to personally make
sure that you are given a fleet
enema every day for the next two
Oh that sounds shitty I mean good
I will be there tomorrow. What
time does it start?
12 noon and don't be late and
don't fuck up got it.
Yes Balls I wont be late and will
be a perfect gentlemen on the golf
course no problem.
Dubie sneaks out of the building while the doorman is
helping an old lady but as he shuts the front door of the


building he lets loose a fart that reeks into the lobby,
doorman after helping old lady gags and then runs outside
only to see Dubie screeching out of a spot.
Dubie pulls up to a house in a residential neighborhood,
knocks on the door.
Who's out there is it the man?
No Hashish it's Dubie let me in.
If your not the police then you
should know the secret passage
word to get in. Can you tell me
what the secret word is?
Eat me man I'm not the police.
That's it the secret passage word
is "eat me."
By the way that's two words.
      (Opening Door)
Only when you don't want it to
really happen. What's up Dubester?
      (Shaking his head)
Got some problems with some people
that are looking for me, I need a
place to stay and I've run out of
Who is looking for you and do you
have $$ to buy Pot.
Clams and no.


Clams meaning you have money and
no meaning no one is looking for
No Joey Clams and I have no money.
      (As he is shutting
       the door.)
Are you crazy man come back when
you have some clams and nobody
looking for you.
Listen Hash I really need your
help, please.
Go away far away like Gypsy Man.
Thanks alot.
Dubie has been sitting then sleeping on Hash's steps for
about an hour. When Hash opens the door.
Dubie get in here it's against my
better judgement but Halik made me
do it.
Thanks, I didn't know Halik was
Yes he's in the chair man.
What's up Halik.
      (Toking on a joint)
My bone Dube my bone.
Halik is in a chair that is actually a toilet seat that
de-seeds and rolls your joint for you it has an attached
refrigerator so you don't need to ever get up.


How long you been sitting there
Six or seven or so.
No weeks man with this chair /
toilet seat you got me all I need
to do is breathe man look how it
reclines into the perfect sleeper.
Talking about sleep I need
somewhere to crash. I have to meet
with a big new client who invited
me to his golf outing in the
morning. I need to get some sleep
and I certainly need to make sure
that I'm not straight for that
You can crash on the sofa take a
hit of this you'll pass right
out, I'll make sure I leave some
out for you to take with you in
the morning along with a bag of
the regular stuff.
You're not going to butt-fuck me
or anything while I'm sleeping are
Only if you snore.
I do snore.
Make sure you sleep on your back
with one eye open and both cheeks
closed, hahahahaha.


Great I'm sleeping at the Desert
Inn here with Queer Eye for The
Stoned Guys.
Dubie takes out his cell phone.
Hey Morris its Dube, can you do me
a favor, I'm sleeping out tonight
and I need someone to feed Shit
Head can you go into my place and
do that for me, please.
Only if you give me some yidish.
Mo its late do I have to.
Only if you want your dog fed.
Ok then how bout this then my
alter kaker maven. I met a Goyisha
kop that makes me a bissel
meshuginna mit her zaftik twin
torah's. I also believe that you
are a faygala with a putz the size
of a newborn and you give keppe to
all the boychiks while they are
stuffing your ass with derma and
kishka you fucken schmuck, how was
Morris hangs up as you hear the line go dead.
Dubie is pulling through the gates of the Prestigious Golf
Club for his golf outing, he is having muffler issues and as
one of the prudish woman go to hit their golf ball his
muffler goes kapok, she hits the ball sideways into her
husbands balls. He is gasping for air as he turns around and
is trying to say something.


                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
Honey I'm so sorry are you ok.
      (Barely Talking)
Dubie, get that man.
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
What honey speak up I can't hear
Dubie damn it, he's the one who's
muffler just exploded, when I see
him I'm going to kill him.
Dubie pulls into the parking lot and lets the valet take his
clubs out,(wearing knickers) sign at the entrance reads The
Annual Toilet Bowl Store Owners Of NY Golf Outing, and gives
the valet nothing. The valet jumps into the drivers seat and
the smell overwhelms him to the point where he runs out of
the car grabs a golf towel and pours liquid air freshener
onto it then goes back into Dubies car and is about to pull
                       GOLF VALET
Where are the keys sir.
There are no keys, when you bring
it back just connect those two
wires by the steering column.
Valet looks at the steering column and sees the wires are
creating sparks.
                       GOLF VALET
      (Looking shocked)
I'm not bringing this one back
Dubie walks over to the girls signing in people for the
How R Ya!
                       GOLF SIGN IN GIRL
      (Not ready for the
We are great how bout you.


Just excellent that's all, not
great yet but if you girls will be
out on the golf course later maybe
we can become great together.
      (Underneath his
                       GOLF SIGN IN GIRL
      (Looking Disgusted)
Not today and your name is.
Maybe tomorrow then and it's John
                       GOLF SIGN IN GIRL
      (Gasping for air)
We've been awaiting your smell,
the outing has already started and
you are paired with George Midas
they are already on the seventh
hole we will have some one drive
you out to them and I'm sure
you'll be able to start play by
the eighth hole.
Excellent are you sure you girls
don't want to come along for the
                       GOLF SIGN IN GIRL
No thank you, later.
Golf assistant drives Dubie up to wait at the eighth hole
for George Midas, Dubie is not aware of the fact the
Crappers are on the hole behind them as Midas arrives at the
eighth tee box.
Dubie great to see you ,I am
hitting the shit out of the ball
get it toilet bowl store owners
hitting the shit out of the ball.
I can't take it I crack myself up.
Alrighty then , nice to see you
Midas ready to play some golf.


First did you hear about my new
Bede it's called the Midas Touch.
It all 14k Gold and has electronic
hands on it that clean you.
Wow I'm sure that will be a big
hit with the amputee crowd.
Want to tee off first.
Dubie hits his ball about thirty feet to the uphill par
three and repeats it until he gets to the hole they all putt
out and Dubie lags behind picking all his clubs up before he
exits the green. As he is doing that the Crappers notice him
on the green while they are on the tee box.
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
      (Pointing to
There he is that's the asshole
who's muffler when off when I was
teeing off leaving the green now.
      (Yelling up at
You asshole get rid of that piece
of shit car you have and while
your at it get the fuck out of
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
Easy honey your going to have a
heart atatck.
Get out of my way I'm going to try
to hit him with my drive.
Crapper pushes his wife out of the way and swings with a
fairway metal Dubie seeing this starts to run off the green
as Crapper hits, it just misses Dubies head and the Crappers
cant see Dubie anymore.
I think I got him, wasn't that
shot a peach hun.


Meanwhile Dubie who cant be scene from the green pulls his
pants down and takes a chocolate swirl right into the cup
and sticks the flag back in.
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
OK honey we are all going to hit
I hope they all make their putts.
Mrs. Crapper is just off the green while the other players
in her group are looking for their balls.
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
He guys I'm just going to chip on.
Mrs. Crapper chips on and the ball rolling forever hits the
flag and goes in the cup.
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
They are all about to get on the green and Mrs.Crapper is
about to get her ball out of the cup by just sticking it in
she turns around to hear.
Great shot hun, best of the day.
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
      (While sticking
       her hand in the
       hole without
She feels something hot and messy and as she pulls her ball
out with her finely manicured nails she has shit all over
                       CRAPPER'S WIFE
Dubie, I'm going to kill him.
The crapper's run into their golf cart and start looking for
      (Hearing them
       scream his name)
Hey Midas can I take the golf cart
to the clubhouse I'm not feeling
so well.


Sure Dube I'll catch up to you at
the barbecue luncheon after the
next hole.
Dubie takes off in the golf cart as the Crappers pull up to
Where the hell is he?
The other golfer you were playing
That was John Dubie he wasn't
feeling well so he went to the
clubhouse, what's up.
He shit in the cup on the last
hole and my wife stuck her hand in
Yeah Dubie took an eight on that
hole, pretty shitty hole.
      (Standing while
       Driving the golf
Let's go get us some Dubie ass
Hun, we'll show him what's it's
like to get some shit-on.
Dubie sees that the Crappers are starting to chase him and
he veers off the cart path with the crappers in hot pursuit
they wind their way around the golf course the Crappers hit
the back of Dubies cart hard several tines knocking over
golf clubs, coolers, and almost being hit by golf balls and
as the Crappers are about to nab Dubie they end up going
into a sand trap with their cart as Dubie breaks through a
maintenance gate with his cart. Dubie is on the road leading
out of the golf course with the golf cart.


      (As he is
       traveling into an
I guess I'll come back for the car
tomorrow, does this have EZ Pass.
      (With wife in a
Wait till I get my hands on that
pile of shit.
Dubie is traveling over a NY Bridge at night on the golf
cart with the golf cart lights on.
      (Dreesed like
       Thomas Dolby in
       Blinded me with
       Science Video)
What Dubie was about to find out
was that there was a force
deadlier than him.
Dubie pulls up in a taxi-cab in front of Alexis office. The
digital advertising on top of the cab says Do You believe
How Fucken Fat The Guy Is Sitting In My Back Seat! The cab
is back heavy as Dubie shimmies out, the cab rises violently
and the cab driver's head hits the roof of the interior to
the point that it knocks him out.Pan over to an adjacent
window with a creepy looking guy with telescopic binoculars
spying on whom-ever enters the building.
      (Looking in from
       the front
       passenger side.)
How much do I owe you?
      (Knocked Out
Talk about sleeping on the job.
Dubie throws money in the car.


Bronx to NY I don't know, I would
figure about three to four
dollars, yeah that's the right
number. I would give you more but
I have to go to Yonkers tonight
for the races.
Dubie walks into building goes up the elevator and is about
to get to the receptionist's desk, when the receptionist
puts on her breather.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
You are here to see Alexis
Yes and is there some pollutant in
the air that makes you wear that
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
Yes you, let me show you the way
to the lab that's where Alexis
wanted you to meet her. But first
you must put on this outfit.
      (Looking at the
       Haz Mat Type
Why do I need to put this on are
we going to have a farting contest
or something?
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
You'll see.
Show Dubie putting on the Outfit that is marked to many x's
to fit large.
Show them going through several security checkpoint's as
well as all security dressed in Hazmat type outfits.
Pretty tight security for a
Perfume Company, heh.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
There are allot of people that
would like to steal Alexis
formulas for making scent's.


Hmmm, that makes sense then for
all the security.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
Those formulas are worth allot of
money on the Black Market.
Allrighty then.
Show Dubie walking into Alexis lab as the door behind him
seals shut.
      (Happy to see him.)
John how are you doing today.
Great now that I am here.
I feel the same way. Come here I
want to show you the newest
formula that I have been working
on. It is like a bathroom spray
but for the outdoors, it will have
any environment within a 1/2 mile
radius adapt to this scent. This
one is fresh cut grass, here
Wow and it can carry it's scent
for a 1/2 mile?
Yes and I'm working on the length
of time it can do that, as of now
the scent lasts for five minutes.
Very impressive. I didn't know
that you were also a chemist.
Yes I am but I enjoy the business
side more, when I see someone that
feels confident wearing our
perfume I feel great pride knowing
not only did we make it here but I
also put the deal together to get
it distributed to that particular


                       ALEXIS (cont'd)
My mom said that my dad was a
Really, where did he work.
Mostly at Belmont and Aqueduct.
Are those Chemical Companies.
No racetracks.
OK, that's odd why would a
racetrack need a chemist?
As my mom said, so he could turn
his money into shit.
Shit for the horses?
No, basically horseshit.
      (Shaking her head)
Come here I want to show you one
of our most secret and sought
after formulas I believe I can
trust you John.
With your life I hope.
I agree, several times people have
tried to get their hands on it but
they were not successful it's
called the battlefield scent. I
was commissioned by the Government
to come up with a scent that would
knock people out instantaneously
so they would potentially not have
to engage in gunfire and when they
awoke would not remember what had


                       ALEXIS (cont'd)
happened. We are close to
completing the job. It is the most
vile smelling scent we / I have
ever made. It is a very dangerous
formula if used incorrectly and in
the wrong set of hands would
create tremendous problems for our
country and the world for that
matter. That's why the other day
when you were hear I thought we
had a chemical leak but just found
out that someone had shit all over
our bathroom.
People nowadays just can't control
So be it, it's not the first time
we have dealt with situations like
that and it wont be the last I'm
So why did you want to see me in
I hope you don't think me to
forward when I ask you this but
would you give me a DNA sample.
      (Looking surprised)
Why would you want my DNA?
From smelling you the other day I
believe you might hold the genetic
secret to the last ingredient I
need for this formula.
Wow if that's the case whatever I
could do to help mankind.
The DNA sample I need would
actually have to come from your


      (Looking lost)
I don't have a stool?
No no a stool sample.
I don't have any sample's of
stools as well. I sell toilets not
No no sorry to confuse you but, to
put it bluntly we would need to
extract the DNA from out of your
      (Looking sheepish)
Ok I'll do it will it hurt.
Not at all, we have professional
DR.s on staff here that will do
the extraction.
Can I ask you a favor if I do this
for you?
Sure anything for you John what
would you like.
Well I had to leave my car at a
golf course yesterday and I was
wondering, if you have a car,
could you give me a lift over
there to get it and then maybe
allow me to take you out to lunch.
You a golfer.
Yeah a pretty shitty one at that.
Sounds like a deal, I just need
you to go with my assistant she
will show you where to go and it
shouldn't take that long so we


                       ALEXIS (cont'd)
should be ready to go in a little
bit ok.
Ok I'm ready to go and have
someone probe the inner sanctum of
my ass.
You'll be fine John and I will see
you in a couple of minutes.
Alexis assistant takes him into what is a room that a Dr.
would do a checkup in. Leaves John alone in room. John is
waiting about five minutes and starts fiddling with all the
stuff on the counter. He hits a shelf that has several items
on it that fall all over the floor as Dr. walks in.
Hey what's up Doc.
      (Hindu Dr. with
Hello I am Dr.Alialamamajihad
Docta fakakta heh.
What happen you do here.
      (With stuff all
       over the floor
       and stuff still
       falling off the
       counter that he
       is trying to
Just an accident I went to swat a
fly and hit the shelf by accident.
We have to make sure this place is
Yes we do. Please to undress and
put gown so on we can get this to
be done quick time.


In this country long doc.
Yesterday before last came here.
      (Looking puzzled)
Yesterday before last, do you mean
two days ago?
Yes 2008.
I'm done, please Doc do what you
have to do I've got a hot potato
on ice that I have a date with.
Dr starts putting on layer after layer of gloves until he
gets to the point where his hands have grown three-fold. He
takes out the K-Y Jelly and washes his hands in it. Dube is
getting undressed and then turns around to see this.
Hey Doc your not going for a swim
in there are you why so much K-Y.
When take the DNA from ass must go
Deep-aaaaak Chopra.
Depak Chopra I've heard that name
isn't he that emotional and
spiritual healing guy.
Yes heel you will need the once we
are done here.
Oh shit what the hell did I get
myself in to.
      (In a Cowboy's
Straddle up yahear Partner.
Dubie is looking at a device the Dr. just uncovered that has
you straddle face and body down with ass hanging in the air.


Where did you get this from
You know Heshy then.
No but I have a feeling that I
wont like what Heshy does and what
is about to happen.
No problem to you, if you like I
give local or laugh too much gas.
No doc your just taking a swab
Yes, noble one.
Ok doc let's do it.
Dubie assumes the position in the straddling device and the
Dr. pulls out a swab with the girth of a softball, he puts
on a gas mask and proceeds to stick it in Dube's ass.
Dubie's eyes open extremely wide.
Hey doc is that your fist or your
foot you just stuck in my ass.
You funny man.
      (Breathing hard)
Been called that before, but that
was during a happy ending this is
turning into an unhappy assing.
Doc do me a favor make sure the
next time you warn me before you
car-jack my ass.
No to worries we almost done.


Do me a favor doc just don't ask
me for a cigarette after this ok.
As doc pulls out swab you hear a popping sound.
Sounds like I'm not a virgin any
more, keep it between us doc.
Dubie gets dressed and goes over to the reception area to
wait for Alexis.
Ready to roll.
Rolling is one of my expertises.
Hah, how was Dr. Farkarkta?
If I said eye opening that would
be an understatement. After that I
believe a lunch, dinner and a
psychiatrist might be the
We'll see John Dubie we will see.
Dubie and Alexis pulling out of her office building garage
and on their way to pick up Dubie's Car.
You like music.
      (Plugging her play
       list into the
Great, I've got some descent tunes
on this.
      (Depeche Mode Tune
Great song,this is one of my
favorite bands from the new wave


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
Yeah, I love the classic new wave
and disco as well.
Unbelievable, that's definitely my
Do you like to dance.
I know that you might think I have
eaten a few dancers the way I look
now but back in the day I used to
enter dance contests.
No way.
Yeah back in the day I was in
great shape and loved to dance.
What happenned?
Well to be brutally honest I let
my addictions get in the way.
Sorry to hear that, what are you
addicted to?
      (Pulling out an
       old piece of
I guess, hold on a second. I made
a list of them alphabetically a
long time ago, never worked on
getting straight with any of them
but I hoped that one day when I
decided to work on them I would
know where to start.
How long have you had that list?


I guess I made this up somewhere
around January.
That's not bad Dube, less than a
Unfortunately it was January 1990.
Not to worry I believe that this
list is only as long as I want it
to be.
What do you mean?
Well I believe that if given the
correct impetuous that I can
conquer this list.
Where would you find the impetous?
I have found it.
I can't believe I am going to say
this but right here with you.
Dubie I don't want you to take
this the wrong way because I do
think that you are the type of
person when right could be the
type of person that I would like
to be with. But with having a
special needs kid and a very
lucrative business and being a
single mom I need to make sure
that any person I would want to


                       ALEXIS (cont'd)
get serious with is right.
I understand and that's why as of
today I am on a mission to enter
the Alexis zone.
You are a little crazy and that
makes me laugh if crazy is on that
list just save a spoonful for us.
It's on the list and I will.
By the way how many addictions do
you have?
Well beside my addiction to you
now, and ones that there are
actual programs for I would say
more than probably fifty.
Wow, you have some work to do.
I do, but if I concentrate on the
main ones that they actually have
programs for then I believe that I
will overcome them all.
Well good luck, and what are the
main ones programs that you would
need to utilize?
I'm familiar with most of those
but what is FA and SA.
Well FA is Flatulence Anonymous
and SA is Shopper's Anonymous.


I might need to attend that one
with you.
They are about to pull into the parking lot of the golf
course and all along the car that has been following them
continues straight as they turn into the parking lot.
Can you do me a favor and please
don't ask why?
Sure Dube what?
Can you drop me off by the front
gate and I'll meet you at the
Mexican Restaurant in town that is
down the road a couple of miles?
Sure how long are you going to be?
Give me fifteen minutes.
No problem, by the way what is the
name of the restaurant?
El Gordo's y La Flaca Chaza
No problem, see you in fifteen and
by the way what does that name
mean in english.
Fat man with skinny woman.
Certainly our type of place.
Dubie enters the Golf course parking lot and sees that his
car is being watched by a security guard in golf course
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
      (on handset)
Still no sign of him boss.


Well you keep your eyes peeled for
that piece of shit you here me.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Yes sir.
      (Walking up to
Excuse me can you tell me where
the restrooms are I really have to
take a shit badly.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Only members are allowed in there
are you a member?
No I'm here to be given an award.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
You're kidding me what is the
award for.
      (Trying to think
       of something
       while looking at
       the sign on the
       Appearing today
       for autographs
       Hack Williams.)
It's the Hack Williams Award.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
He is the country singer that's
here today right.
Correct you are very good.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Yes, I listen to him all the time
on Monday Night Football.
Yes he is quite the singer /
football player / golfer and he is
inside waiting to give the award
to me.


                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Yes they wanted to keep it hush
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Makes sense, do you think I can
get to meet him?
Absolutely I can take you in their
right now and introduce you.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
      (Excited the sad)
Wow that would be terrific, oh no
I can't leave this car my boss Mr.
Crapper wants me to wait here for
the owner to come back and then
would you like to know what we are
going to do with him?
Sounds juicy what?
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
First my boss wants to remove his
anal sphincter and then cut his
balls off and hit one of them off
the first tee at his member guest
Good stuff I wonder if you get
more distance with an actual gonad
ball or a titleist.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Good question, hey would you
really introduce me to Hack
Let's go.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Wish I could, well maybe I can
would you be willing to watch the
car while I go inside and if it's
ok I'll tell Hack that you said it
was ok to get introduced to him.


Absolutely , I got one even better
I have his cell # and I'm calling
him right now to tell him you are
on the way and to get ready to
party with you, how bout that?
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
      (Thinking it over)
OK, but I have a picture of this
guy and if you see him make sure
you come and get me instantly ok.
Ok, let's see the picture.
Security Guard takes out picture of Dubie stuffing a hot dog
in his mouth.
Looks like this guy likes to eat
hot dog's.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Yeah my boss says that when he
gets him he going to use his skin
to make the skin of a human hot
Your boss sounds like he is pissed
off at him.
Yeah I heard this Dubie guy
somehow shit on his wife's
fingernails and then destroyed
their golf cart.
Impressive, enjoy Hack and I will
see you in a few minutes.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
      (Walking away)
Thanks and by the way what's your
Dong / Long Dong.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Is that Chinese.


No Japanese, I'm big in Japan.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Ok, thanks again.
Security guard enters the Clubhouse.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
      (Facing Hank
Did Long Dong tell you I'm coming.
      (Looking at SG
       then Mr. Crapper)
Is this a joke or what?
What's wrong with you man you are
supposed to be outside waiting for
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
I was but this guy named Long Dong
told me that he new Hack
personally and was calling him so
I can have a meet and greet with
Oh yeah and who is watching the
car now.
                       GC SECURITY GUARD
Long Dong.
Let's see who this Long Dong is.
All three walk outside Dubie gets the car started burns
rubber and starts flying out of the parking lot, security
guard Crapper and Hack start shooting at the car and just
miss Dubie, he is almost out of the parking lot as he sees
crappers wife pulling in with her brand new Rolls. He takes
the side view mirror off the car as he exits the parking lot
with his car.
We missed.


I'm going to get you Dubie if it's
with the last breath I take.
Are you ready for some football.
Dubie pulls out of the golf course with his horn setting as
The Monday Night Football Theme Song.
Dubie pulls up as Alexis is sipping on a Pina Colada at an
outdoor table at the Fat Man's.
      (Sitting down)
Great place heh.
Drink is good, is it OK for me to
have a drink around you.
No problem , it's my problem and I
have to start dealing with it that
I'm glad you said that because you
have to do it for yourself no one
I know that but you are the
inspiration behind it all and this
time I have a plan and plenty of
      (Looking at the
       bullet holes in
       the back of
       Dubies car)
Well good luck then, by the way
what happened to the back of your


Took a wrong turn into a shooting
range. Alexis have we met before I
am very good with faces and I
think we have met before.
Well I'm not sure but just so that
you know I have been in NA clean
for about twenty- five years now.
Dubie has a flashback to 1986 going to an NA meeting and
seeing a hot looking girl which he tries to pick-up at the
meeting, she is turned off because he was such an idiot it
was Alexis.
Any chance that you attended
meetings on 23rd St NYC around
Absolutely that was my first room.
That's where we met for the first
time I'm positive. I've got goose
bumps because I looked at you and
thought I could never have
somebody like you.
And as long as you do the right
thing Dubie you never know what
can happen, what were you like
back then tell me about yourself.
Well shortly before I came into
that room where we met for the
first time believe it or not I got
married it was doomed from the
start we but especially I was out
of control. The night before our
wedding which we spent a
ridiculous amount of money on my
father was arrested for selling
illegal cable boxes, I was selling
for him at that time and that's
how I had the money to spend on
the wedding. We spent the night at
downtown booking in NYC. I was
doing so much coke then that I
could create a snow storm just by


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
blowing my nose our wedding song
was White Wedding.
Oh that's nice was thet a Perry
Como song.
No Billy Idol and by the way now
that I think about my firend Buddy
was taking bets in the Bridal Room
on how long we were going to stay
Buddy's in the Bridal Room with a chalk board listing odds
on time and length of marriage.
That's funny!
Let me tell you one funnier I bet
on it going six months, it went
seven. I was in control and
could'nt even win that bet what a
      (Emails on her
       phone coming in)
OK then, listen I have to head
back to my office having some
major issues with the new formula.
But call me later I want to hear
about how you are doing with your
Alexis stands up so does Dubie and she gives him a kiss on
the lips.
Your not a loser and that's for
inspiration but remember until you
start working on your defects
that's all you get ok.
That's enough to make me like
Hercules with my defect's.
Dubie starts doing the weightlifter pose with his arm's.
Then watches Alexis leave in her car. He goes to his car and


as he opens the door he gets hit on the head and is
Back in Joey the Clam's lair, he is tied up in a chair.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Pouring water on
       Dubies head)
Rise and shine Dubie.
      (Coming too.)
What happened, oh it's you. Did
you know that I went to the same
college as you yeah UASS.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Squeezing his
       neck collar)
Funny but what I have to tell you
is not so funny.
      (Trying to talk
       while neck being
What's that.
                       JOEY CLAMS
You are about to die.
I agree that is not funny, how?
                       JOEY CLAMS
By choking on your own balls.
That is a very gay way to go, not
that there is anything wrong with
being gay but I thought you might
be more of a shoot em up guy.. are
you gay?
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Tightening his
I'm not but you can think what
ever you want because you don't
have much time to do so. You have
one alternative though and if you


                       JOEY CLAMS (cont'd)
perform not only will I let you
live but I will clear your debt
with me. Boohla come over here.
This is Boohla he wants what my
ex-wife and your new girlfriend
has and I'm not talking about a
tight ass and big tits either. She
has a formula that she has been
working on that is top secret if
you can steal that and bring it to
me then we are even and you will
live. If you don't accept the deal
then you will die and so will my
You would kill her.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Some say it's cheaper to keep her,
I say kill the Fucken bitch. So
your answer is yes and Boohlah is
going to make me a very wealthy
man once his country has this
Is that the country of ugly mother
                       JOEY CLAMS
Very funny Dubie but the decision
is yours either you and Alexis die
or you get us the formula.
Why can't you go steal it
                       JOEY CLAMS
They wont let me in to her office
because of previous episodes so
it's lucky for me she trusts you.
So here is what you are going to
do. We are going to call her now
and tell her that you need to see
her ASAP because there is
something that you need to tell
her that can't wait and can't be
said over the phone. Boohla will
go upstairs with you while we wait
in the car. You are going to wear
a wire and if you screw up then


                       JOEY CLAMS (cont'd)
Boohla show Dubie what the
consequences will be.
Boohla pulls out a razor blade used to shave faces with.
Yeah I do need a shave, how about
a shave and a blow job Boohla.
Boohla pulls up Dubies pant leg just up to his knee and
takes a deep slice out of his calf with the blade.
      (Screaming out)
Aaaah, what the fuck I thought you
told me there would be no problem
if I helped you.
      (In a Mickey Mouse
Just making sure you will not run
away and if you do I will make
sure that not only will I shave
off every part of your body but
that you will be skinned alive as
      (Touching his leg)
Oh fuck, what's with the voice
Boohlah what did you suck some
guys dick and he came helium?
Boohlah getting ready to attack Dubie.
                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Grabbing Boohlah
       and winking)
Easy Boo he will get his and we
will get ours. Ok guys bandage
Dubie up and let's get going. Zit
give me your cellphone.
Zit hands Clam's his cellphone that has fairies on it's
screen saver.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Zit what the hell.
That's from a very famous opera.


                       JOEY CLAMS
I'll deal with you later, hello is
Alexis in. Here you go Dubie don't
fuck it up.
Alexis honey it's really important
that I see you ASAP there is
something I need to tell you and
it can't be said over the phone.
You are making me a little nervous
John but come on over now if you
need to.
All right I will be there within a
half hour, thanks.
Boolah and Dubie get out of Zit's Cadillac. Zit, Broccoli
Rob and Joey Clams remain in the car.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Remember Dubie don't fuck it up
and we can hear everything you
      (Knowing that they
       screen for
       weapons in the
OK, and Boolah I hope you brought
a weapon in case we have to shoot
our way out of their.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Now your thinking correctly Dube.
      (Showing his
       underneath his
Boolah is prepared.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Dubie are you sure that Boolah
will not have an issue with these
weapons. They don't screen for


                       JOEY CLAMS (cont'd)
them do they?
Dubie about to answer.
We didn't see any boss when we
were there the other day.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Ok go get our formula.
Dubie and Boolah approach the receptionist.
Hello we are hear to see Alexis.
                       FIRM'S RECEPTIONIST
She said when you come in to go
righr into her office.
Thanks I believe it's that way,
lets go Boolah.
Dubie opens the door to Alexis office. Walks in with Boolah
behind him.
      (Going over to
       give her a kiss)
Hello Alexis.
      (Shocked he is
       with someone else)
Hello John who is your friend.
This is Boolah Boolah a famous
scientist from GreenIceland.
      (Seeing blood
       running down
       Dubies shoe)
Which one is it Green or Ice Land.
      (Facing Alexis
       with back to
       Boolah making the
       gun sign and


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
       pointing to his
Both, actually he is the reason
that I could not mention anything
over the phone and had to see you
right away. I met Boolah through a
series of events you wouldn't
believe and found out that he is
the scientist that will allow you
to finish your formula. He has my
ass measured to go and says that
he will take you and I to the next
level (pointing upwards in front
of his chest).
OK wow, Mr. Boolah how have you
come to know so much about my
      (Mickey Mouse
       voice and show
       sexy poster of
       Alexis on wall of
       lab where Boolah
You are very famous with
scientist's in GreenIceland. I
have studied your work for years
and we have been trying to steal I
mean make the same formula for
battlefield scent's for years now.
      (Hitting the
       silent alarm
       underneath her
Ok, would you like to see it.
Yes mame.
      (Opening a closet
       in the office and
       handing out the
       Hazmat suits)
OK, we need to put on these Hazmat
suits before we go into the lab,
here you go guys these are for you


                       ALEXIS (cont'd)
to put on.
They all put on the Hazmat suits and start walking towards
the lab when Boolah See's that there is an armed guard at
the lab and a body scanner he would have to go through. He
decides to pull his gun out and take Alexis hostage.
OK tell the guard to back off and
let us through.
Do as he says so nobody will get
      (Whispering to
That's right nobody will get hurt
except you Alexis when I have my
way with you later.
Alexis be careful he is a psycho.
OK John I will. Come with me
As they enter the lab where the formula is Boolah starts to
feel sleepy then passes out.
What happenned to him.
He has on the sleeping-gas time
released Hazmat suit. I kept one
in my office just in case we had a
problem like this today.
Oh my God I forgot I had the wire


                       JOEY CLAMS
      (Hearing what's
       going on.)
I'm going to get you bitch, Zit
get us out of here right now.
      (As they are
       taking off the
       wire and smashing
       it on the ground.)
Don't worry John, I knew months
ago my ex was involved with this
scum that's why the CIA has been
watching him for months and we
were just waiting for him to make
his move with Boolah whose real
name is Eatcha Kokoff. I sounded
the silent alarm back in my office
and my staff and guards knew what
was going down. The CIA as well
should be picking up my ex right
about now.
CIA stops Clam's car, Clam's gets out and is ready to have a
shootout when Zit and Rob surrender.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Pussy's what happened to the good
old tough guys, ok you got me.
                       CIA GUY
Smart thing you did surrender take
a look up.
Looking up Clam's sees a military helicopter gunship with
barrels pointed right at him.
                       JOEY CLAMS
Just for me now I am impressed.
Show CIA guys taking them away. We then pan back to Alexis
and Dubie.
Back in the Lab.
Alexis I'm sorry I brought Boolah
here but I owed your ex 20k from a
gambling debt and he told me if I
did not do this he was going to
kill me and you and I don't care
about dying but I would move
heaven and earth to protect you


                       DUBIE (cont'd)
and there was something that I
could not tell you over the phone
and that is that I love you. I
know that you have reservations
about me,I am starting to go to
meetings for GA,NA,AA and OA for
myself not for you even though
it's because of you. I am going
back to running which I used to do
quite often as a kid, but not only
run but I am going to run the NYC
Dubie I love you too and I will
support you 100% for you to get in
shape and help overcome your
addictions and by the way your DNA
gave us the clue we needed for the
ingredient to finish the scent for
the Government.
What was the clue.
Natural gas.
They then kiss and Dubie farts as a fart cloud valentine
appears. As they both laugh hysterically.
Dubie enters over-eaters anonymous and sits down in the
                       OA CHAIRPERSON
Welcome to the 1500 meeting of NYC
over-eaters anonymous.
As Dubie sat down he noticed the woman sitting next to him
has a purse loaded with snickers.
                       OA WOMAN
      (Reaching into her
       purse as Dubie is
       watching her)
My safety net, want one.


No I came hear to stop that, but
should you be eating those?
                       OA WOMAN
I have been coming here for ten
years and it has really helped I'm
down to ten a day what a great
program this is. Is this your
first meeting?
Yes it is and so far I feel like
I'm the light-weight here.
                       OA WOMAN
Welcome sit back and take out of
this meeting what will help you.
      (Under his breath)
I guess you'll be taking less
snickers out of here.
Dubie enters Gamblers Anonymous.
                       GA CHAIRPERSON
Welcome to the 7200 meeting of NYC
gamblers anonymous.
Dubie sits down and notices racetrack tickets sticking out
of the pocket of the guy sitting next to him and he has a
wire in his ear.
                       GA PERSON
Come on Go Crazy get there get
there mother fucker lost by a
                       GA CHAIRPERSON
      (Looking at GA
Is everything ok over there.
                       GA PERSON
      (Looking at his
Yes it is and my name is Sal C.
and I have been clean about 8
Dubie just shakes his head.


Dubie enters Alcoholics Anonymous.
                       AA CHAIRPERSON
Welcome to the 15000 meeting of
Dubie sits down next to a homeless person that reeks of
liquor he is at the meeting with his dog shit head.
      (Whispering to
       homeless person)
So what brings you here?
                       HOMELESS AA PERSON
I come here to keep up my
appearance. Been coming for twenty
years and I never miss a meeting.
It's obvious that you are still
drinking, so why do you come?
                       HOMELESS AA PERSON
I believe in the saying that if
you bring the body the mind will
I think that saying was not meant
for you.
                       AA CHAIRPERSON
So shit head let's hear your
Dubie's dog shit head stands on his back paws and goes
                       AA CHAIRPERSON
We feel your pain shit head, who
else would like to speak?
Narrator is outside wearing running shorts that are way up
his ass crack a tank top that shows all the hair on his
back, tube socks and a pair of chuck converse sneakers.


Dubie has taken on a monstrous
task but he has the stuff that not
to many people are made of, thank
god. I'm off to run the shopping
marathon I will visit 26.2 stores
in the mall today.
Narrator runs into the mall.
      (Talking to
Well I am on my way to the big
Dubie runs about a 100 Yards and he is out of breath. He is
gasping for air.
      (With gasping
I need to get some help.
Dubie gets on the cell phone and call's his friends in to
help him train.
      (Pointing towards
       the main road.)
Halik, Hashish I'm running this
Dubie goes out to run the next day Halik is in his chair in
the back of a pick up truck being driven by Hashish they are
screaming encouraging words to Dubie as he run's Dubie is
about a mile into his run and has to take a shit.
      (Talking to Halik)
Oh boy need to take a shit Halik
can I use your chair?
No, chair is sealed to ass so I
don't fall.
Really what did you seal it with?


Isn't that supposed to be used for
old people's dentures.
      (While putting it
       on his ass then
       in his mouth)
Teeth ass what the difference?
Ok then, I'm going into the gas
station convenience store to see
if they have a bathroom.
Dubie goes into the convenience store section of the gas
station. Indian convenience guy behind counter is talking on
the phone.
Do you have a mens room here?
Convenience guy points to his left.
Dubie finds the bathroom which is a large bathroom, the only
problem is that the door does not lock and the toilet seat
is further than arms length from being able to keep it
closed. Dubie sits down and starts unloading about a minute
into it someone opens the door, it is a black female about
21 years old. She looks at Dubie in shock and slams the door
and starts running back through the store.
                       GAS STATION GIRL
      (Running with here
       hands flailing)
Ah I can't believe I just saw a
white man's penis. I just saw a
white man's penis.
                       GAS FRIEND
Why are you screaming you have
seen one of those before haven't
                       GAS STATION GIRL
Yes but not on a white man and
certainly not that small.
Dubie cleans up and starts walking out of the convenience
store then as he is passing the counter the convenience
store clerk makes a gesture with his thumb and pointing
finger as to size.


                       GAS CLERK
      (Indian Accent)
Thanks for coming little white man
aren't you going to buy something
or did you come here just to
explode in my bathroom and scare
people with your inadequacies.
Dubie stops in his tracks and says to himself the serenity
prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change courage to change the things I can and the
wisdom to now the difference and then starts walking out of
the store.
                       GAS CLERK
      (Indian Accent)
Bye little dick.
Dubie jumps over the counter and they start going at it
until the fight is broken up by Hashish who see's whats
happenning to him.
Dubie chill out bro and you need
to train first and stop scaring
people with your little white
dick, lets go.
Dubie gets help from Schmodog who strategically rolls with
Dubie so he can stay hydrated. He gets help from Buster who
places toilets along the route that he runs. He gets help
from Buddy who bought him the best sneakers and training
gear. Shit head also runs with Dubie. Each day Dubie runs a
little further. One day Dubie is running and a garbage truck
almost hits him he gives the garbage truck the finger and
yells asshole. The garbage truck stops and a muscle-bound
brute steps out with Dubie seeing the size of the person he
takes off running the other way.
What the fuck man they almost
killed me and now I got Rocky
chasing me.
On screen we will show each week that Dubie runs an
additional mile leading up to the NYC Marathon first week in
Dubie getting ready to leave Alexis house the morning of the


It doesn't matter what happens
today I am so proud of who you
have become as a person with all
the changes you are making on the
outside and most importantly on
the inside.
Thank you so much and you know I
owe all of this to you.
      (Hugging then
I love you too, and you know that
you had me at your first fart.
I did?
No, but I knew you had a special
blend inside of you.
Good luck Dubie daddy.
They all start hugging and laughing at what Brady just said.
Dubie is at the staging area for the NYC Marathon
he takes off his warm up suit and he is now built like a
rock on his shirt he has the race bib and on the back it
says MY DREAM. Dubie then goes to the starting line and
can't believe he is here tears are rolling down his eyes.
      (Looking at Dubie)
Are you ok man?
Yeah just grateful that god has
given me the ability and
opportunity to do this.
Then let's do this man.
They both scream together and take-off over the Narrows
Bridge, then through the five boroughs. They both start
struggling to get over the 59th St Bridge leading into NYC
then Dubie see's Buddy, Hashish Halik Schmodog and Shit head


cheering him on. They are in Central Park and look at each
Were going to do this man. The
Baton stops here.
You and me, we are doing it.
They clench their hands together then you see both cross the
finish line. Dubie screams with excitement then runs into
Alexis arms and his friend does the same with his
significant other. They look at each other with a sense of
pride and accomplishment nodding at each other for the help.
Dubie then passes out.
Dubie are you ok someone help me.
EMC's are at the finish line for a good reason they move
Alexis aside and start administering CPR, doesn't work.
      (Talking to EMC 2
       administering CPR)
No heart beat or pulse quick get
the paddles.
Got them right here let's do it.
Paddles are applied twice and finall y they have a heartbeat
they rush him to Columbia Presbyterian.
Dubie is having the dream of the Baton being passed from
his Grandfather to his father then to him. He takes the
Baton and tosses it in the water, he then awakes.
      (IN ICU)
Mom look over there Dubie is
      (Running into the
John can yo uhear me it's Alexis.


      (Waking up)
Am I in heaven.
No it's the Bronx.
Then it is heaven in the Bronx.
John Dubie when we get out of here
you better marry me quick because
you and Brady are the two men I
want to spend the rest of my life
Will do partner, how do you feel
about that Brady?
Like I said before your my Dubie
Buddy, Schmodog, Halik, Hashish and shit head pop their
heads in the room.
      (Tears rolling
       down his eyes)
Halik where is your chair?
The Smithsonian wanted to put it
next to the Archie Bunker chair so
I felt it was time to get up and
was inspired by your race. Thanks
      (Holding Shithead
       then turning him
No problem, whew Shithead I guess
your still holding onto old