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by NOCA Girls (adogswings@aol.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: NOT YET
RATED
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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JOSEPHINE PADMORE AND HER OUTLANDISH FAMILY'S
ANTICS
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INT. FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT |
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The scene is a typical all purpose living room. There is an
easy chair and a sofa pretty much aimed out at the audience.
Around the room are various painting supplies mixed in with
a wide variety of toys, make-up and knickknacks. There is a
Christmas tree in the room. TEEN is curled up on one of the
chairs reading a book with her backpack next to it. KID on
the floor, painting something. AUNT is leaning against the
doorway STAGE RIGHT looking amused, holding a set of keys in
her hand. MOM is running around the room frantically looking
for something. |
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AUNT
(Twirls keys
around finger and
laughs a little
bit)
Looking for something? |
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MOM
(Running her hands
through her hair
and turning to
face AUNT)
Yes, yes I am. I can't seem to
find my...
(Trails off as she
sees AUNT holding
keys)
My keys! |
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TEEN looks up, giggles, and then keeps reading. MOM walks
over to AUNT and snatches her keys then whirls around and
stalks off to STAGE LEFT. |
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AUNT
(Still smiling)
Forgetting something else? |
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2.
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MOM
(Stops walking and
pats herself down
and looks around,
confused)
I...might be? |
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TEEN
(Points at KID who
is painting on a
messenger bag)
I think Ivy's got your sack
thingy. |
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KID
(Holds bag up
proudly)
Mommy, Mommy I made it pretty! |
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MOM
(Rushes over and
grabs bag from
KID appraises its
condition,
shrugs, and
slings it over
her shoulder)
Thank you, Ivy darling. Zella,
next time please put my bag on a
higher shelf.
(Turns to AUNT)
Am I ready now, Josie? |
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AUNT
(Laughs and walks
over to pat MOM
on the head)
You never did know how to get
ready on your own, Gwen. You're
fine now, unless you left your
brain upstairs...? |
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3.
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MOM
(Laughs
uncertainly)
No, no I think I've got it all
here. Bye now! |
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MOM exits STAGE RIGHT through the second door. AUNT picks up
another bag and gives it to KID who continues to paint. TEEN
and AUNT share a look and a shrug. |
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AUNT
Now that Mrs. 'Absent-Minded' Ott
is gone, I'm going to go get ready
for my date before she comes back. |
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TEEN
(Looks up from her
book)
What do you mean, 'before she
comes back'. |
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AUNT
(Laughs derisively)
Her art exhibition isn't until
tomorrow night. She'll probably
figure out once she gets in the
car and sees the flyer I put on
the steering wheel. |
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TEEN
You're an evil bitch. But I love
you anyway.
(Smiles and puts
down her book)
Why don't I help you pick out
accessories? |
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AUNT
Alright. Let's go see what jewels
there are in this dump |
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TEEN
(As TEEN and AUNT
are walking out
STAGE RIGHT)
Hey! This IS my house you
(MORE)
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4.
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TEEN (cont'd)
know...You live here, too, now. |
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KID gets up from her work, checks that AUNT and TEEN have
left, and wanders over to fuss with TEEN's stuff. MOM walks
back in door on STAGE LEFT looking frazzled and flops down
on a sofa. |
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TEEN
(Comes back in the
door on STAGE
RIGHT. Yells out
the door to AUNT
upstairs)
I found that jewelry box you were
talking about! |
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AUNT
(Walks back into
room from STAGE
RIGHT)
Yes, that's it. Are the earrings
in it? |
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AUNT
(Turns to look at
MOM and sees the
earrings. Walks
around sofa to
yell at MOM)
Gwendolyn Denise Padmore! You took
Mom's earrings again! |
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TEEN stays in the back of the room and crosses her arms in
annoyance. |
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MOM
(Waves hand at
AUNT)
It's not like you were wearing
them. Besides, she was my mother,
too. |
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5.
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KID
(AUNT starts to
speak, but KID
interrupts from
the floor near
the chair where
TEEN was sitting
earlier)
Hey, Mommy? What does
Leeez...beeee...uhhhn mean? |
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AUNT and MOM immediately stop talking and stare at KID. TEEN
shuffles towards the door, looking embarrassed. Everything
stops for a moment. Then the doorbell rings. |
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TEEN
(Jumps and says
hurriedly)
I'll get it!!!
(Runs out door
STAGE LEFT) |
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Hear a door open and BOY's voice asking for Ivy. MOM and
AUNT still not moving. |
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KID
(Drops the book
she was holding
on a coffee table
and runs out the
door STAGE LEFT
chanting)
Lee-lee's here! Lee-lee's here! |
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AUNT leans down and picks up the book KID dropped. |
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AUNT
(Reading the book
cover)
Am I a Lesbian? Huh. Gwen, take a
look at your daughter's choice of
literature. |
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MOM
(Glances at the
book)
Hm. Interesting book. Looks like a
(MORE)
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6.
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MOM (cont'd)
good read.
(Pauses. Stares
off into space.
Speaks as if
detached)
I think I'll go have some dinner.
(Walks out door
STAGE RIGHT) |
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AUNT makes strangling motions at MOM's back as she leaves. |
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AUNT
(Turns to audience)
I can't believe her. Three months
since Richard left and she's still
off living in her dream world.
Just because he took care of all
the mundane chores doesn't mean
they disappeared with him. And the
kids! Poor Zella's been
questioning her sexuality since
before I moved in, and Gwen
doesn't even have a clue! Ivy is a
wild child and she and that Leon
get into EVERYTHING!
(Walks over to the
coffee table and
picks up a pile
of papers)
See this? Do you see this?
(Goes through the
stack of
envelopes)
Phone bill, electricity bill, one
from the cell phone company, gas
bill, water, groceries, credit
cards. I'm the one who has been
paying the bills for the past
three months. I had to move in
when Richard left because poor
deserted Gwendolyn simply couldn't
handle herself, her children, AND
her adult responsibilies. She
can't handle ANY responsibility.
Ever since we were kids I've
always had to pick up the pieces
(MORE)
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7.
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AUNT (cont'd)
of Gwen's scattered life. She
finally got a down-to-earth guy
and a solid life complete with
children and she throws it away
for her art. Some might say that's
dedication. But I just call it
daft.
(Stops talking
suddenly as MOM
walks in from
STAGE RIGHT, and
TEEN walks back
in with KID and
BOY.) |
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TEEN
(Takes a deep
breath and walks
over to MOM)
Hey, Mommy? Can I, uh, talk to you
for a sec? |
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MOM
(Pats the sofa
next to where she
sat down)
Yes, yes of course. Come...come
sit here, dear.
(Laughs)
Here. Dear. Josie, I rhymed! |
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AUNT rolls her eyes and sits on the arm of the sofa. TEEN
walks over to couch and sits down in between MOM and AUNT.
KID and BOY wander to the Christmas tree, |
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MOM
(Puts arms around
TEEN's shoulders)
Now darling, tell Mommy all your
secrets! |
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TEEN
(Fidgets with
hands)
Well, see, I have a VERY good
friend. And, uh, well...I'd sorta
(MORE)
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8.
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TEEN (cont'd)
like you to meet her... |
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MOM
(Looks elated)
Oh that's wonderful. Absolutely
wonderful. You never have friends
over! Invite her over for dinner
tomorrow. Oh! We should make it a
slumber party. I can pop popcorn,
Josie can get some girlie movies.
It'll be fun! |
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AUNT
(Laughs)
I don't think a slumber party's a
good idea, if you know what I
mean... |
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TEEN
(Aside to AUNT)
Shhhh, you promised I could tell
her! |
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AUNT
(Softly to TEEN)
Yes, but you're not doing a very
good job. I told you, she won't
get it unless you say it straight.
(Laughs)
Straight... |
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TEEN
(Aside to AUNT)
Shut it!
(To MOM)
Uh. She's a REALLY GOOD friend.
And I like her a lot. I think
we're going to be hanging out for
a long time... |
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The sound of glass shattering stops all conversation,
accompanied by loud giggles from KID and BOY. Everyone turns
to look at them. |
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9.
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BOY
(Jumps up)
You were right, Ivy. It did make a
'splosion! |
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KID
(Says proudly)
I'm ALWAYS right! |
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AUNT
(Walks over to KID
and BOY)
Come on, kids. Stop playing with
the...
(Stops talking and
bends over to
pick up an
ornament)
Oh no...Zella? Hun? Please don't
kill your sister. Or her friend... |
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TEEN
(Turns quickly and
looks sad)
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no...
(Gets angry)
IVY, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO NOW? |
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TEEN runs over to the tree and stops dead in her tracks. |
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TEEN
(Stage whispering)
Oh no...Ivy how COULD you?! That
was the Christmas ornament that
Dad gave me last year! It was for
my sweet sixteen celebration. You
KNOW how much that means to me! |
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KID
(Goes up to TEEN
and hugs her)
I'm sorry, Zellie. |
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Everyone looks at BOY, and he looks around. |
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10.
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BOY
(Shifts
uncomfortably)
What? She told me to!
(Points at KID) |
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AUNT
(Laughs)
And we all know you do everything
Ivy tells you to. Besides we all
know you don't have the brains to
do it on your own. |
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BOY nods emphatically. |
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AUNT
(Ushers KID and
BOY out of the
room STAGE RIGHT)
Come on cupcakes, let's go make
trouble elsewhere. |
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KID, BOY,and AUNT walk out the door STAGE RIGHT. TEEN flops
down on the sofa where MOM hasn't moved. |
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MOM
Aw, dear. Don't. Don't cry.
(Pats TEEN on the
back awkwardly) |
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TEEN
(Sniffles a little)
It was just one of the only things
Dad ever gave me. And now it's
gone. How am I s'posed to remember
all this stuff when he's not here
anymore? |
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MOM
(Rubs TEEN's back)
Uh. Well, I'm sorry. Sorry it's
broken. But you can still
remember. I mean, memories are
like paintings. Sometimes you
misplace them, but they're alway,
you know, hiding somewhere. And
you can find them if you look hard
(MORE)
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11.
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MOM (cont'd)
enough. Except, you know, when
they get broken or something... |
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TEEN
(Stares at MOM in
disbelief)
But it IS broken! |
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MOM
(Stops rubbing
TEEN's back)
But not your memories! Just, you
know, the, the ornament...Uh,
weren't you trying to tell me
something? |
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TEEN
Yes, I was.
(Takes a deep
breath and turns
to face MOM on
couch)
Mom, I'm g-...I'm a lll-...I'm
g-...
(Pauses and takes
another deep
breath, then
blurts out)
Mom, I like girls! |
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The song "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry starts blasting
from somewhere. AUNT walks into the room from door STAGE
RIGHT holding a remote, trying to keep a straight face. She
presses pause, aiming the remote at a CD player in the room.
The music stops, MOM and TEEN are staring at AUNT. Everyone
sits there, letting the awkward silence take over. |
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AUNT
(Bursts out
laughing)
Sorry, I really couldn't help
myself! The timing was just too
perfect.
(Waits for someone
to say something)
Oh, come on. People in this house
(MORE)
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12.
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AUNT (cont'd)
need to get a sense of humor!
(Walks back out
door STAGE RIGHT) |
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MOM and TEEN turn back towards each other on the couch. MOM
starts laughing a little bit. |
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TEEN
(Does not look
amused)
Mom! That wasn't funny! |
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MOM
(Covers her mouth
with a hand to
hide her smile)
I know, I know. It's just. Wow,
you're gay. That is not what I was
expecting...Not at all. |
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As TEEN and MOM are talking, KID and BOY creep back into the
room from STAGE RIGHT. They pause just inside the door. KID
giggles silently and motions to BOY to follow her. They
sneak around behind the couch. MOM and TEEN do not notice
them. |
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TEEN
(Shifts
uncomfortably)
It's not like it's news or
anything...You remember that
friend I keep trying to have over?
Well, she's sort of...she's my
girlfriend... |
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MOM
(Surprised)
You have a girlfriend? How long
has this...? You have a
GIRLFRIEND?! And you didn't TELL
ME?!
(She sounds
shocked, and hurt) |
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13.
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TEEN
(Starts fidgeting
again)
Well, you see, I've been trying
to, but every time I start to talk
to you you're busy, or Josie
starts cracking jokes because of
course SHE figured it out
immediately, or Ivy interrupts - |
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KID
(Jumps up from
behind the couch.)
Mommy, Mommy, I want a girlfriend,
too!
(MOM and TEEN are
both startled by
KID's sudden
appearance. She
crosses her arms
and pouts. Then
pauses to think)
Lee-lee!
(Pulls BOY up to
stand next to her)
Mommy, Lee-lee's my girlfriend! |
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MOM
(Appears stressed
- the first real
emotion she has
shown)
Josie!!! Get in here! |
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AUNT (Deliver this speech with a lot of sarcasm)
(Breezes into the
room with her
coat on. Stops
behind the couch
in CENTER STAGE)
Well, little Zellie's finally
confessed, has she? Oh that's
wonderful! And Gwendolyn, dear?
You are positively obtuse when it
comes to anything other than
painting.
(Pauses to lay a
(MORE)
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14.
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AUNT (cont'd)
hand on both
KID's and BOY's
heads, and stoops
down to talk to
them)
Darling Ivy, Leon's not a girl.
And if you don't know what the
difference is, I'm sure that Mommy
will be more than happy to explain
it to you.
(To herself)
Six year olds, what a wonderful
age...
(Walks towards
STAGE LEFT)
Well, all, I'm off to my date.
He's a rich one. Oh, I'm so
excited!
(Pauses before
exiting and looks
out at the
audience, and
laughs, then
sighs)
I think I'm going like living
here! |
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AUNT winks and the walks out the door STAGE LEFT. MOM sits
and just stares at TEEN. TEEN looks down at her hands,
appearing uncomfortable. KID shrugs and grabs BOY's hand,
and they run off STAGE RIGHT. |
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MOM
(Stands up and
steps after KID
and BOY. Then
stops, turns
around and walks
toward the door
STAGE RIGHT. Then
stops and runs
her hands through
her hair, and
looks out to the
audience. Takes
in a deep breath)
(MORE)
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15.
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MOM (cont'd)
Oh...Oh...Oh dear. |
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Lights go black. |
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THE END |
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