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Josephine Padmore and her Outlandish Family's Antics
by NOCA Girls (adogswings@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


The scene is a typical all purpose living room. There is an
easy chair and a sofa pretty much aimed out at the audience.
Around the room are various painting supplies mixed in with
a wide variety of toys, make-up and knickknacks. There is a
Christmas tree in the room. TEEN is curled up on one of the
chairs reading a book with her backpack next to it. KID on
the floor, painting something. AUNT is leaning against the
doorway STAGE RIGHT looking amused, holding a set of keys in
her hand. MOM is running around the room frantically looking
for something.
      (Twirls keys
       around finger and
       laughs a little
Looking for something?
      (Running her hands
       through her hair
       and turning to
       face AUNT)
Yes, yes I am. I can't seem to
find my...
      (Trails off as she
       sees AUNT holding
My keys!
TEEN looks up, giggles, and then keeps reading. MOM walks
over to AUNT and snatches her keys then whirls around and
stalks off to STAGE LEFT.
      (Still smiling)
Forgetting something else?


      (Stops walking and
       pats herself down
       and looks around,
I...might be?
      (Points at KID who
       is painting on a
       messenger bag)
I think Ivy's got your sack
      (Holds bag up
Mommy, Mommy I made it pretty!
      (Rushes over and
       grabs bag from
       KID appraises its
       shrugs, and
       slings it over
       her shoulder)
Thank you, Ivy darling. Zella,
next time please put my bag on a
higher shelf.
      (Turns to AUNT)
Am I ready now, Josie?
      (Laughs and walks
       over to pat MOM
       on the head)
You never did know how to get
ready on your own, Gwen. You're
fine now, unless you left your
brain upstairs...?


No, no I think I've got it all
here. Bye now!
MOM exits STAGE RIGHT through the second door. AUNT picks up
another bag and gives it to KID who continues to paint. TEEN
and AUNT share a look and a shrug.
Now that Mrs. 'Absent-Minded' Ott
is gone, I'm going to go get ready
for my date before she comes back.
      (Looks up from her
What do you mean, 'before she
comes back'.
      (Laughs derisively)
Her art exhibition isn't until
tomorrow night. She'll probably
figure out once she gets in the
car and sees the flyer I put on
the steering wheel.
You're an evil bitch. But I love
you anyway.
      (Smiles and puts
       down her book)
Why don't I help you pick out
Alright. Let's go see what jewels
there are in this dump
      (As TEEN and AUNT
       are walking out
Hey! This IS my house you


                       TEEN (cont'd)
know...You live here, too, now.
KID gets up from her work, checks that AUNT and TEEN have
left, and wanders over to fuss with TEEN's stuff. MOM walks
back in door on STAGE LEFT looking frazzled and flops down
on a sofa.
      (Comes back in the
       door on STAGE
       RIGHT. Yells out
       the door to AUNT
I found that jewelry box you were
talking about!
      (Walks back into
       room from STAGE
Yes, that's it. Are the earrings
in it?
I don't think so...
      (Turns to look at
       MOM and sees the
       earrings. Walks
       around sofa to
       yell at MOM)
Gwendolyn Denise Padmore! You took
Mom's earrings again!
TEEN stays in the back of the room and crosses her arms in
      (Waves hand at
It's not like you were wearing
them. Besides, she was my mother,


      (AUNT starts to
       speak, but KID
       interrupts from
       the floor near
       the chair where
       TEEN was sitting
Hey, Mommy? What does
Leeez...beeee...uhhhn mean?
AUNT and MOM immediately stop talking and stare at KID. TEEN
shuffles towards the door, looking embarrassed. Everything
stops for a moment. Then the doorbell rings.
      (Jumps and says
I'll get it!!!
      (Runs out door
       STAGE LEFT)
Hear a door open and BOY's voice asking for Ivy. MOM and
AUNT still not moving.
      (Drops the book
       she was holding
       on a coffee table
       and runs out the
       door STAGE LEFT
Lee-lee's here! Lee-lee's here!
AUNT leans down and picks up the book KID dropped.
      (Reading the book
Am I a Lesbian? Huh. Gwen, take a
look at your daughter's choice of
      (Glances at the
Hm. Interesting book. Looks like a


                       MOM (cont'd)
good read.
      (Pauses. Stares
       off into space.
       Speaks as if
I think I'll go have some dinner.
      (Walks out door
AUNT makes strangling motions at MOM's back as she leaves.
      (Turns to audience)
I can't believe her. Three months
since Richard left and she's still
off living in her dream world.
Just because he took care of all
the mundane chores doesn't mean
they disappeared with him. And the
kids! Poor Zella's been
questioning her sexuality since
before I moved in, and Gwen
doesn't even have a clue! Ivy is a
wild child and she and that Leon
get into EVERYTHING!
      (Walks over to the
       coffee table and
       picks up a pile
       of papers)
See this? Do you see this?
      (Goes through the
       stack of
Phone bill, electricity bill, one
from the cell phone company, gas
bill, water, groceries, credit
cards. I'm the one who has been
paying the bills for the past
three months. I had to move in
when Richard left because poor
deserted Gwendolyn simply couldn't
handle herself, her children, AND
her adult responsibilies. She
can't handle ANY responsibility.
Ever since we were kids I've
always had to pick up the pieces


                       AUNT (cont'd)
of Gwen's scattered life. She
finally got a down-to-earth guy
and a solid life complete with
children and she throws it away
for her art. Some might say that's
dedication. But I just call it
      (Stops talking
       suddenly as MOM
       walks in from
       STAGE RIGHT, and
       TEEN walks back
       in with KID and
      (Takes a deep
       breath and walks
       over to MOM)
Hey, Mommy? Can I, uh, talk to you
for a sec?
      (Pats the sofa
       next to where she
       sat down)
Yes, yes of course. Come...come
sit here, dear.
Here. Dear. Josie, I rhymed!
AUNT rolls her eyes and sits on the arm of the sofa. TEEN
walks over to couch and sits down in between MOM and AUNT.
KID and BOY wander to the Christmas tree,
      (Puts arms around
       TEEN's shoulders)
Now darling, tell Mommy all your
      (Fidgets with
Well, see, I have a VERY good
friend. And, uh, well...I'd sorta


                       TEEN (cont'd)
like you to meet her...
      (Looks elated)
Oh that's wonderful. Absolutely
wonderful. You never have friends
over! Invite her over for dinner
tomorrow. Oh! We should make it a
slumber party. I can pop popcorn,
Josie can get some girlie movies.
It'll be fun!
I don't think a slumber party's a
good idea, if you know what I
      (Aside to AUNT)
Shhhh, you promised I could tell
      (Softly to TEEN)
Yes, but you're not doing a very
good job. I told you, she won't
get it unless you say it straight.
      (Aside to AUNT)
Shut it!
      (To MOM)
Uh. She's a REALLY GOOD friend.
And I like her a lot. I think
we're going to be hanging out for
a long time...
The sound of glass shattering stops all conversation,
accompanied by loud giggles from KID and BOY. Everyone turns
to look at them.


      (Jumps up)
You were right, Ivy. It did make a
      (Says proudly)
I'm ALWAYS right!
      (Walks over to KID
       and BOY)
Come on, kids. Stop playing with
      (Stops talking and
       bends over to
       pick up an
Oh no...Zella? Hun? Please don't
kill your sister. Or her friend...
      (Turns quickly and
       looks sad)
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no...
      (Gets angry)
TEEN runs over to the tree and stops dead in her tracks.
      (Stage whispering)
Oh no...Ivy how COULD you?! That
was the Christmas ornament that
Dad gave me last year! It was for
my sweet sixteen celebration. You
KNOW how much that means to me!
      (Goes up to TEEN
       and hugs her)
I'm sorry, Zellie.
Everyone looks at BOY, and he looks around.


What? She told me to!
      (Points at KID)
And we all know you do everything
Ivy tells you to. Besides we all
know you don't have the brains to
do it on your own.
BOY nods emphatically.
      (Ushers KID and
       BOY out of the
       room STAGE RIGHT)
Come on cupcakes, let's go make
trouble elsewhere.
KID, BOY,and AUNT walk out the door STAGE RIGHT. TEEN flops
down on the sofa where MOM hasn't moved.
Aw, dear. Don't. Don't cry.
      (Pats TEEN on the
       back awkwardly)
      (Sniffles a little)
It was just one of the only things
Dad ever gave me. And now it's
gone. How am I s'posed to remember
all this stuff when he's not here
      (Rubs TEEN's back)
Uh. Well, I'm sorry. Sorry it's
broken. But you can still
remember. I mean, memories are
like paintings. Sometimes you
misplace them, but they're alway,
you know, hiding somewhere. And
you can find them if you look hard


                       MOM (cont'd)
enough. Except, you know, when
they get broken or something...
      (Stares at MOM in
But it IS broken!
      (Stops rubbing
       TEEN's back)
But not your memories! Just, you
know, the, the ornament...Uh,
weren't you trying to tell me
Yes, I was.
      (Takes a deep
       breath and turns
       to face MOM on
Mom, I'm g-...I'm a lll-...I'm
      (Pauses and takes
       another deep
       breath, then
       blurts out)
Mom, I like girls!
The song "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry starts blasting
from somewhere. AUNT walks into the room from door STAGE
RIGHT holding a remote, trying to keep a straight face. She
presses pause, aiming the remote at a CD player in the room.
The music stops, MOM and TEEN are staring at AUNT. Everyone
sits there, letting the awkward silence take over.
      (Bursts out
Sorry, I really couldn't help
myself! The timing was just too
      (Waits for someone
       to say something)
Oh, come on. People in this house


                       AUNT (cont'd)
need to get a sense of humor!
      (Walks back out
       door STAGE RIGHT)
MOM and TEEN turn back towards each other on the couch. MOM
starts laughing a little bit.
      (Does not look
Mom! That wasn't funny!
      (Covers her mouth
       with a hand to
       hide her smile)
I know, I know. It's just. Wow,
you're gay. That is not what I was
expecting...Not at all.
As TEEN and MOM are talking, KID and BOY creep back into the
room from STAGE RIGHT. They pause just inside the door. KID
giggles silently and motions to BOY to follow her. They
sneak around behind the couch. MOM and TEEN do not notice
It's not like it's news or
anything...You remember that
friend I keep trying to have over?
Well, she's sort of...she's my
You have a girlfriend? How long
has this...? You have a
GIRLFRIEND?! And you didn't TELL
      (She sounds
       shocked, and hurt)


      (Starts fidgeting
Well, you see, I've been trying
to, but every time I start to talk
to you you're busy, or Josie
starts cracking jokes because of
course SHE figured it out
immediately, or Ivy interrupts -
      (Jumps up from
       behind the couch.)
Mommy, Mommy, I want a girlfriend,
      (MOM and TEEN are
       both startled by
       KID's sudden
       appearance. She
       crosses her arms
       and pouts. Then
       pauses to think)
      (Pulls BOY up to
       stand next to her)
Mommy, Lee-lee's my girlfriend!
      (Appears stressed
       - the first real
       emotion she has
Josie!!! Get in here!
                       AUNT (Deliver this speech with a lot of sarcasm)
      (Breezes into the
       room with her
       coat on. Stops
       behind the couch
       in CENTER STAGE)
Well, little Zellie's finally
confessed, has she? Oh that's
wonderful! And Gwendolyn, dear?
You are positively obtuse when it
comes to anything other than
      (Pauses to lay a


                       AUNT (cont'd)
       hand on both
       KID's and BOY's
       heads, and stoops
       down to talk to
Darling Ivy, Leon's not a girl.
And if you don't know what the
difference is, I'm sure that Mommy
will be more than happy to explain
it to you.
      (To herself)
Six year olds, what a wonderful
      (Walks towards
       STAGE LEFT)
Well, all, I'm off to my date.
He's a rich one. Oh, I'm so
      (Pauses before
       exiting and looks
       out at the
       audience, and
       laughs, then
I think I'm going like living
AUNT winks and the walks out the door STAGE LEFT. MOM sits
and just stares at TEEN. TEEN looks down at her hands,
appearing uncomfortable. KID shrugs and grabs BOY's hand,
and they run off STAGE RIGHT.
      (Stands up and
       steps after KID
       and BOY. Then
       stops, turns
       around and walks
       toward the door
       STAGE RIGHT. Then
       stops and runs
       her hands through
       her hair, and
       looks out to the
       audience. Takes
       in a deep breath)


                       MOM (cont'd)
Oh...Oh...Oh dear.
Lights go black.


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