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How To Be A Man
by Andrew Mclellan (aj_mclellan@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: 1/2
Short film. Subject: "How to..." Comedy By: Andrew Mclellan


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY
                                                            
It's Saturday afternoon and three buddies are sunk deep into
their couch staring intensely at their television. Two of
the boys are enjoying their favorite hockey team as they
face off against their rivals. They cheer and awe as the
third friend sits awkwardly out of place.
                                                            
                       COMMENTATOR
      (Announces)
And here they go. The gloves are
off and these are two
heavyweights.
                                                            
The two dudes spring to the edge of their seat. James grabs
the remote and blares the volume.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (Screaming with
       excitment)
FIGHT!
                                                            
The boys are cheering happily before their sissy friend
springs forward, grabs the remote and flicks off the TV.
                                                            
                       SISSY
You boys are barbarians.
                                                            
                       JAMES
- What the fuck?
                                                            
                       DREW
- Seriously, what the hell is
wrong with you?
                                                            
Drew and James turn to each other and whisper.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Should we tell him?
                                                            
                       DREW
- I think it's time
                                                            
They turn to their sissy friend who sits awkwardly in
question.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (Sincerely)
You're not a man, dude.
                                                            

2.

                       SISSY
      (Questioning
       himself)
I'm a man!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Barely!
                                                            
                       SISSY
I am so a man!
                                                            
                       DREW
If you're a man than I'm a women.
                                                            
Drew's girlfriend places a bowl of chips on the table. As
she walks away he thanks her, smacks her ass, then turns
back to the sissy.
                                                            
                       DREW
... and I'm not a women.
                                                            
                       SISSY
      (With a look of
       disgust)
Ugh.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Seriously though, last week I came
home and you were watching the Sex
And The City movie alone.
                                                            
                       SISSY
So!
                                                            
                       JAMES
- So thats not very manly.
                                                            
                       SISSY
Well than what makes a man, a man?
                                                            
                       DREW
      (Pondering)
A man is a man by, I don't know...
                                                            
Drew's eyes wonder around the room before they lock on his
beer.
                                                            
                       DREW
The beer that he drinks.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah! A real man can shotgun a
beer.
                                                            

3.

                       SISSY
Ugh. I couldn't even imagine.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well that sounds like a good place
to start.
                                                            
As the two and a half men look to the ceiling a wishy-washy
transition takes them to a patio where they are all holding
cans of beer.
                                                            
 
EXT. BACKYARD PATIO - DAY
                                                            
Drew has a pair of scissors and instructs the sissy on how
to slice the bottom.
                                                            
                       DREW
Just a small slice like this...
                                                            
James finishes the instructions by holding his can to his
mouth and showing how to crack the beer.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Now hold it up right and put your
mouth on the whole. Ready?
                                                            
                       DREW AND JAMES
      (In Sync)
3... 2... 1...
                                                            
The three boys crack their beers and pound them back. The
two dudes have no troubles and crush the can in their fist
and throw them to the ground. Half way through the sissy
coughs up his beer spilling it all over his shirt. A
wishy-washy transition brings them back to the couch.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY
                                                            
                       DREW
      (With a smirk)
That didn't go so well.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well what's next?
                                                            
                       DREW
How about movies?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah, apparently there's a bit of
an issue there.
                                                            

4.

                       SISSY
How so?
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (Excitedly)
You need to be watching movies
like... Casino!
                                                            
                       DREW
      (More excitedly)
Or Slapshot!
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (Even more
       excitedly)
Bloodsport!
                                                            
                       DREW
      (Over the top)
Or fucking Scarface!
                                                            
                       SISSY
      (In disgust)
Scarface?
                                                            
                       DREW
- Yeah lets do it!
                                                            
A wishy-washy transition brings the boys to a small theater
room.
                                                            
 
INT. THEATER ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Scarface projects onto the hundred-inch screen. The two
dudes cheer and quote.
                                                            
                       DREW AND JAMES
      (In Sync)
Say hello to my little friend!
                                                            
The sissy is on a chair on the far end of the boys with his
eyes buried in his hands. Again, a wishy-washy transition
brings the boys back to the couch.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY
                                                            
                       DREW
I guess even Scarface is too big
of a step for you right now.
                                                            

5.

                       JAMES
But in the meantime save Sex And
The City for when you have a girl
over.
                                                            
                       DREW
And while we're on the subject I
never see you with girls over.
                                                            
                       SISSY
What about Rachel she's over twice
a week!
                                                            
                       DREW
Your tutor doesn't count, man.
                                                            
                       JAMES
- We're talking about actually
going out and meeting girls.
                                                            
                       DREW
      (As they look to
       the sky)
I'm excited for this one.
                                                            
The wishy-washy transition takes them away.
                                                            
 
EXT. BOARDWALK BY THE BEACH - DAY
                                                            
The dudes spot two meter maids on the prowl.
                                                            
                       JAMES
This is perfect lets go.
                                                            
                       DREW
Ladies. Hey!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Where you going. Hold up a sec.
                                                            
                       HOT GIRLS
Hi boys.
                                                            
                       DREW
Hey. We're just out trying to
introduce our buddy to some lovely
young ladies like your selves.
                                                            
                       HOT GIRLS
He's kind of cute.
                                                            

6.

                       HOT GIRLS
Well we've got a few passes to the
club tonight but you have to
donate to our cause.
                                                            
                       HOT GIRLS
What do you say cuttie pie? Want
to help us out for a good time?
                                                            
She places her hand on his shoulder.
                                                            
The camera drops down from a mixed look of terror and
excitement on his face to a full frame of his crouch. After
a brief pause a wet spot begins to seep through his pants.
                                                            
The girls laugh as they walk away.
                                                            
                       JAMES
- Come on
                                                            
                       DREW
- Jeesus.
                                                            
The wishy-washy transition brings them back to the couch.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY
                                                            
                       DREW
You are an embarrassment to man
hood.
                                                            
                       SISSY
You know I'm bad with
confrontation.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I don't think there's anything
left to do. Picking up chicks is
like the most important part of
manhood.
                                                            
                       DREW
Not necessarily. There's still
sports.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Ahh! Nice call. How did we miss
that?
                                                            
                       SISSY
- No, no. Not a chance!
                                                            

7.

                       DREW
It's the final frontier.
                                                            
As they look to the ceiling the wishy-washy transition takes
them away.
                                                            
 
EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY
                                                            
The boys are dropped into a Rugby game underway. Drew is the
Scrum-half and explains to the sissy what his roll is as
Fly-half.
                                                            
                       DREW
When the ball comes to you, you
run! That way!
                                                            
Drew points in the direction of two burly jocks growling at
him.
                                                            
                       RUGBY BOY
Balls in!
                                                            
The ball is quickly tossed to the sissy and the burly jocks
sprint towards him. The sissy squeals and turns and runs the
other way. He runs right out of frame. Not even a second
later, still holding the same shot, two of the sissies
teammates carry him over their shoulder and back into frame
and towards the jocks.
                                                            
A second before the carnage the screen fades to black and
the wishy-washy transition returns them to the couch.
Screams and cries of pain are heard throughout the
transition.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM COUCH - DAY
                                                            
                       SISSY
You guys are assholes!
                                                            
                       JAMES
- Wow! That got ugly!
                                                            
                       SISSY
Please, no more!
                                                            
                       DREW (VO)
Hahahhaha.
                                                            
                       DREW
I guess you're just not ready to
be a man.
                                                            

8.

                       JAMES
Looks like your stuck with
man-child. Now lets get back to
our game.
                                                            
James leans forward and flicks the television back to the
game. Drew and James grab their beers and sit back.
                                                            
                       DREW
Honey, we're out of beer!
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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From Joe S Date 4/11/2010 1/2
This seems to have no purpose other than to put down the so called "sissy" in the screenplay. I don't think this has much merit.

From Robert Kent Date 4/11/2010 1/2
I don't understand why the sissy would even be buddies with james and Drew in the first place. Also, the way the story is set up, I was looking for Drew and James to get some kind of comeuppance in the end, to show how their manhood and masculinity is just a false front, but even that doesn't happen. It would be better to just drop the character of the sissy altogether and just have Drew and James trying to out-man one another.


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