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Right Hand Snails
by Lycan Davis (lycandavis75@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **
An ultimate and heart felt combination of a love story and a man attempting to overcome overwhelming odds. All in the world of polo.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
TYLER HERNDON enters and goes about his daily ritual:
turning on the water, shaving, brushing his teeth, and
brushing his hair, all with his left hand.
                                                            
 
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
                                                            
CARLIE SNYDER sits on the witness stand. Tyler asks her
questions. HERMAN MELENDEZ sits at the prosecution table
with MAX STURGEON II, who looks on.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Carlie)
So, let's get this straight, Ms.
Snyder. You own and run the
restaurant called Bugbie's.
Correct?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Yes.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Do you have servers at Bugbie's?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Yes, of course we do.
                                                            
Tyler grabs a newspaper want ads section from the
prosecution table.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Do you recognize this?
                                                            
He hands it to her.
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Not particularly.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Then please allow me to explain.
      (beat)
It's the Journal from June 23 of
this year. Do you see the section
outlined in red?
                                                            
She looks.
                                                            

2.

                       CARLIE
Yes.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Would you please describe it to
the court?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
It is a Bugbie's ad for a server.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Does it specify in there anywhere
that they have to be a woman?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Well, traditionally our servers
are.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's not what I asked you.
Traditionally blacks were owned as
slaves. Traditionally women were
second class citizens. Tradition
has nothing to do with this case.
I'd like to know where in that ad
it says that you're looking for a
woman?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
I guess it doesn't.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh. It doesn't. That's very
curious. Tell me, do your servers
dress up in costumes?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Yes.
                                                            
                       TYLER
And please describe those
costumes.
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Cheerleaders.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Do they ever dance for the
patrons?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Yes, sometimes they do.
                                                            

3.

                       TYLER
Would it jog your memory at all to
know that my client has six years
experience as a cheerleader and
graduated from Pepperdine with a
degree in modern dance?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
No. Can't say that it would.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You can't say that because you
never even read his application,
did you?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
We get many applications.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yes, I'm sure that you do. And,
of course, it's his that you chose
not to read.
                                                            
                       CARLIE
That's not true.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, so you're saying that you read
it?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Well.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So you were aware of his
abilities?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Our clientele enjoys women
servers.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Did you not see under special
skills where it says "he possesses
something that men seem to enjoy"?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
Again, I don't remember.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Very convenient memory you have
there. Please allow me to
speculate. I think that you saw
my client and didn't consider for
            (MORE)

4.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
a second that he could be a
wonderful employee. All you saw
was a gay male with a Hispanic
sounding name and that was all for
his chances, was it not?
                                                            
                       CARLIE
That's not.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (Interrupting)
No further questions.
                                                            
 
INT. COURTHOUSE HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
Several hours later. Herman exits the courtroom.
CHRISTOPHER LEGRAND walks with him. Herman walks faster.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
Hurry up.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
What's the rush? Don't you want
to thank them?
                                                            
                       HERMAN
If you want to stay in this dirty
courthouse and speak to lawyers,
suit yourself. I'm rich now and
have no problems leaving you
behind. You can be replaced.
                                                            
Tyler exits the courtroom. Max walks with him.
                                                            
                       MAX
Justice serves, justice served.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, let's hope the hit isn't too
hard on the restaurant.
                                                            
                       MAX
Worried about the chain? My
goodness, man, we just won several
million dollars for your client
and you're lamenting over a
smattering of tacky eateries that
victimized this poor, sensitive
young man. Where's your head at?
Why would you even begin to feel
pity for this disgusting entity?
            (MORE)

5.

                       MAX (cont'd)
Typical southpaw.
                                                            
He chuckles.
                                                            
                       MAX
Well, your innate defects aside,
what are you doing Saturday
afternoon?
                                                            
                       TYLER
No plans.
                                                            
                       MAX
We're having a little get together
at the ranch. Why don't you head
out? Plan on about three and
bring Leopold with you.
                                                            
Christopher approaches the two, alone.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
      (to Tyler)
I just wanted to thank you for
taking Herm's case. It was very
kind, what you did.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm glad we have something to show
for it. The judge was wise.
                                                            
                       MAX
And justice was served. It's
important to remember that.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah, that too.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Well, I just wanted to thank you
both. You have no idea how upset
he was when he didn't get that
job.
                                                            
                       HERMAN (OS)
      (shouting to
       Christopher)
Move it. I'm ready to leave.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Yeah, well I should be going.
Thanks again.
                                                            

6.

He leaves.
                                                            
                       MAX
Did you hear that? We could have
gotten punitive damages for him as
well.
                                                            
He shrugs.
                                                            
                       MAX
Well, que sera, sera. What is is
what it is, you know.
                                                            
He walks off.
                                                            
 
INT. BARN - DAY
                                                            
Tyler enters and sets a saddle in the corner.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (shouting)
Excellent ride, big guy.
                                                            
He looks in a stall.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I almost forgot. I have a treat
for you.
                                                            
He pulls out a carrot. The horse approaches and nuzzles at
his shoulder.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah, you know what you like.
                                                            
Leopold starts to eat it from his hand.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Crazy world we live in, bud. Trust
me when I say that if you saw the
half of it, you'd be more thankful
that you were the one who sleeps
in a barn.
                                                            
Leopold slobbers a bit.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (in a Peter Lorre
       imitation)
Hey there, Leopold. Why did you
slobber on my hand? Be a good boy
there. Your master needs a
            (MORE)

7.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
wishbone.
                                                            
He wipes it off on his pant leg and continues to feed the
horse. He strokes the horse's main.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Big news from work, bud. Looks
like the big muck mucks have been
talking about me. First, Max
seconds me on my case; then, I'm
invited to his ranch. You'll love
it. It's huge. Makes this place
look like a garbage dump.
                                                            
He looks around, then whispers.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Don't tell them that I mentioned
this place in the same breath as a
dump. It's really nice and
affordable, too.
                                                            
SHEILA MATTHEWS enters. She is approximately the same age
as Tyler.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Busted. You are totally busted,
mister.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Let's see. I just caught you
talking to your equine friend.
                                                            
                       TYLER
People from many walks of life
speak with animals.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yes. And, in studies, it was
determined that people who do such
often have deep seeded issues
stemming from sexual inadequacy
with roots in childhood bed
wetting. We in the field like to
refer to it as the Doolittle
syndrome. More specifically, when
involving horses, the subcategory
is the Wilber protocol. After
all, a horse is a horse, you know.
                                                            

8.

Tyler regards her for a second, then looks at Leopold.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Leopold in a
       Peter Lorre
       impersonation)
Did you hear her, Leopold? The
bad lady says I can't talk to you.
She fears us, Leopold. Maybe we
can use a Sheila wishbone.
                                                            
He starts cackling maniacally.
                                                            
 
EXT. FARM - DAY
                                                            
Tyler and Sheila walk together in the barnyard.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
So, moving up in the world, I
hear.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah. Going to the boss's ranch
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
And he wants you to take Leo?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Very odd.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Why's that?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Well, if he just wants to size you
up, why bring your horse?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe to get a better feel for me.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yeah, but why your pet? Why
anybody's pet? Why does he care?
                                                            

9.

                       TYLER
First, he's more of a friend.
Second, a person's animal
companion speaks volumes to their
character.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
If you say so. What I say is that
it looks as if somebody's about to
be manipulated.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's a bit of a reach.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Is it just going to be you and
Leo?
                                                            
                       TYLER
There was mention of others.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Anybody in particular?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I think maybe a doctor and a
judge. Perhaps a captain or two
of industry.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
And you. Well, they might just be
inducting you into the local
chapter of the Masons.
      (beat)
So many power brokers in one spot.
I think that might annoy me.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Any advice?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Do you want some?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Not really, but I feel that it
would be rude not to ask as I know
you have some ready for me.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You know me too well.
                                                            

10.

                       TYLER
Yeah, and here you're the
sociologist.
                                                            
 
EXT. MAX STURGEON'S RANCH - DAY
                                                            
It's a spacious ranch. Tyler's car/horse trailer
combination is in the dooryard. He stands on the front
porch and knocks. SPENCER answers the door, wearing his
butler's uniform.
                                                            
                       SPENCER
Young Tyler.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hello Spencer. How's the family?
                                                            
                       SPENCER
Quite well. Quite well indeed.
Thanks for asking. Come on
inside.
                                                            
He enters.
                                                            
 
INT. MAX STURGEON'S RANCH - DAY
                                                            
Tyler and Spencer move inside the house.
                                                            
                       SPENCER
Mr. Sturgeon has several guests
already here. His instructions
were that you bring your horse out
back.
                                                            
He hands Tyler a stack of clothes.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What's this?
                                                            
                       SPENCER
It's the standard uniform.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What kind of uniform?
                                                            
                       SPENCER
Are you not familiar with your
employer's hobby?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Not at all.
                                                            

11.

                       SPENCER
Well, just put it on, grab your
horse, and head out back. Anything
else will be clearer then.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What will be clearer?
                                                            
                       SPENCER
Young Tyler, I feel it's my duty
to inform you that you're the
current guest and participant at a
polo match.
                                                            
 
EXT. POLO FIELD - DAY
                                                            
Tyler, clad in uniform, leads Leopold to a polo field behind
Max's house. There are seven people on horseback, hitting a
ball around the field with mallets. They are: Max, Dr.
WINSTON HARNISCH, MAZ 'LITTLE MAC' STUREGON, Senator CYNTHIA
MCGUINESS, Judge FELIX MARQUEZ, MC BERNARD DIDDY, and
STERLING CLAYTON. When he approaches the field, Max stops
playing and rides over to him.
                                                            
                       MAX
Well, well, well. I was wondering
when we were going to have enough
for a game. I almost pressed
Spencer into action in your stead.
                                                            
Tyler smiles politely.
                                                            
                       MAX
Your mallet is lying over there.
Teams have already been chosen.
You'll be with the others wearing
your colors. I'm sure you'll
figure out who they are, but it's
Bernard, Cynthia, and Felix, in
case you'd enjoy knowing your
teammates.
                                                            
He laughs.
                                                            
                       MAX
      (to all)
No handicaps today. I'll keep
time. Let's get going.
                                                            
Everyone gets into place. Tyler holds his mallet in his
left hand. Sterling motions to him.
                                                            

12.

                       STERLING
Foul.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What'd I do?
                                                            
                       MAX
Oh dear me.
      (to Sterling)
I'm sorry. I don't think he's
played before.
      (to Tyler)
Tyler, son, you can't play that
way.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What way?
                                                            
                       MAX
Your mallet. It's in the wrong
hand.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Huh?
                                                            
                       MAX
Yes, son. You need it in your
right hand.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But I'm left handed.
                                                            
                       MAX
It doesn't matter. You need it in
your right.
                                                            
He switches his mallet to his right hand.
                                                            
                       MAX
There. Now it's all well.
                                                            
The game starts with the ball being sent back and forth
across the field. All the players are rather good, with the
exceptions of Little Mac and Tyler. Tyler is clumsy with
his off-hand. Little Mac is just clumsy. Tyler can't hit
the ball well. The game ends with Tyler looking frustrated.
His teammates stand at one end of the field, vanquished.
                                                            
                       BERNARD
      (to Tyler)
Man, you suck.
                                                            

13.

                       CYNTHIA
Remind me never to play with him
again. Not on my team.
                                                            
                       FELIX
      (to Bernard and
       Cynthia)
Perhaps we're being hard on him.
He's new.
                                                            
Tyler's shoulders are low. He's speechless.
                                                            
                       BERNARD
I don't care. No business on the
field messing with my business.
                                                            
                       MAX
      (from across field)
Bernie. I believe you owe me a
little something.
                                                            
                       BERNARD
Yeah, yeah.
                                                            
He rides up to Max and pulls out some money.
                                                            
                       FELIX
      (to Tyler)
Don't take it too hard. They have
a standing thousand dollar bet per
game. I'm sure you'll be better,
if you come again.
                                                            
                       CYNTHIA
Yeah, you'll get better, I'm sure.
Just don't bring your nag to my
team until you do.
                                                            
They both ride off, leaving Tyler and Leopold alone. Tyler
looks hurt.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Leopold)
That wasn't fair. You're not a
nag. You're a wonderful steed.
Don't listen to them, bud.
                                                            
He pats the horse.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I know where I'm not wanted. I
think we both do. Let's get out
of here.
                                                            

14.

He gets down and leads Leopold back to the trailer.
                                                            
 
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
                                                            
Tyler sits with a cup in front of him, rubbing his temples.
He's dressed in a suit and tie. Sheila sits down across
from him.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Wow. It's worse than I thought.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Sorry. I just look a bit ragged
today.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
We're going to have to stop
meeting like this. People will
start to talk.
                                                            
                       TYLER
People already talk. So they say,
at least.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Gotcha'. So, I got a bit from the
message about yesterday. What's
the problem? Any reason why it's
lingering?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I don't know. I went in to work
and Max wouldn't shut up about it.
He kept digging at me. I'd try
to read a folio and he'd dig. I'd
go to the library to research a
case, and he'd dig. I'd go to the
bathroom and he'd be there,
digging at me.
      (beat)
Wait, that sounds bad. Strike
that last one from the record.
Anyway, I'm almost expecting him
to come in here.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Acute paranoia. Is there any
reason you might think that the
world is out to get you?
                                                            
Tyler looks past her. Seated on the other side of the shop,
sipping a latte, is Max. He's wearing a grin,

15.

semi-laughing, and waves at Tyler. He holds up his left
hand, looks at it, and laughs deeply.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Tell me, do you think he's
everywhere?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Switch seats with me.
                                                            
They switch sides of the booth.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Do you have the study?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Of course.
                                                            
She rummages in a bag and pulls out a folder. She places it
on the table in front of her.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Dartmouth University. September
10, 1975. A professor Curtis
Fielder completed and published
what might possibly be the top
study ever about left-handed
people.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What does it say?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You pretend that I have looked at
this already.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You have. I know that you have.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
So presumptuous.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I prefer to think that I know you.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Well, then, yes. I have.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Then you can save me some time.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Why the sudden interest?
                                                            

16.

                       TYLER
Did you know that it's against the
rules of polo to play left handed?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
No. Can't say that I did.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, I enjoy my horse. I enjoy
competition. And, for about
thirty seconds of my life, I
enjoyed the sport of polo. They
have rules that I can't follow. I
don't want to step all over
whatever they have going. Hence,
there's only one alternative.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Wait a minute. You're a civil
rights attorney. Isn't it your
job to step all over whatever
anybody has going?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Shush. As I was saying, I only
have one alternative. I'm going
to have to form a league for
left-handers exclusively. A
lefties only league, if you will.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
And why do you need me for that?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I've never known another lefty. I
hear we're somewhat odd. I need
to know what to expect. So,
please lay whatever you found on
me.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Interesting. The prodigal son
returns home.
                                                            
                       TYLER
it's nothing intentional. I just
didn't really take notice until
recently.
                                                            
She looks at the folder.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Hmmm. Fascinating.
                                                            

17.

                       TYLER
What's that?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Well, according to this, in some
African tribes, they put spoons in
front of newborn babies. If the
baby grabs it with the left hand,
it is immediately tossed to the
hyenas. Very fascinating.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Then to the dogs with me. Give me
something I can use.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
It seems that, should we accept
the contents of the folder to be
truth, your lost tribe tends to
think more abstractly than the
common bear. Also seem to be a
lot more on the creative side of
things.
                                                            
                       TYLER
And?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Seems that there's a higher than
average rate of homosexuality,
too.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Eyes on the prize. What else?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Keep your pants on, homo. Here's
something. Seems lefties tend to
mostly occupy both sides of the
bell curve.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So we're either borderline genius.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Or as dumb as the ceiling that
keeps out the rain. A lot of
computer programmers and serial
killers, too.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Anything else?
                                                            

18.

                       SHEILA
Other than the apparent lack of
soulless television executives,
nothing. A lot of U.S.
presidents, though.
                                                            
She puts down the folder and looks at him.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
What're you people trying to
subversively take over?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
So, assuming you reside on the
right side of the curve.
                                                            
She winks.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
How will you proceed?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I figure I'll start slow. Maybe
something on-line. A message
board here and there.
                                                            
 
EXT. CITY PARK - DAY
                                                            
A plane flies overhead, dropping fliers.
                                                            
                       TYLER (OS)
Don't want to go overboard, you
know?
                                                            
SIMON LARCETT, a young, Pakistani man, walks his dog. He
grabs and reads a falling flier.
                                                            
 
INT. BUS - DAY
                                                            
STEPHANIE MEYERS holds a book on Euclid's theories. She
looks at an advertisement that says "Left Out Polo: The
World's Best Left Handed Polo League EVER!!!"
                                                            
                       SHEILA (OS)
Any idea what you'll call it?
                                                            

19.

                       TYLER (OS)
Something catchy and snappy. But
really, what's in a name?
                                                            
 
EXT. HORSE TRACK - DAY
                                                            
A billboard proclaims "The Left Out Manifesto", followed by
about twenty five lines of print. ROBIN HENDRIX, an elderly
man, reads it from the crowd.
                                                            
                       SHEILA (OS)
So,what do you really hope to
accomplish with this?
                                                            
                       TYLER (OS)
Oh, just some fun. It's not like
we're trying for a movement or
anything.
                                                            
 
INT. COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Would you mind if I followed this?
In the name of sociology.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Of course not. Feel free to do
what you will. Might be good for
publicity, actually.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Let me ask. What happens if you
attract the wrong type of people?
                                                            
 
INT. MAX STURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Max sits at his desk, holding a flier. He intently scours
it and chuckles.
                                                            
                       TYLER (OS)
You mean jerks? Inconceivable.
                                                            
 
EXT. RUGBY FIELD - DAY
                                                            
A pile of players fight for the ball. NIGEL WENTON jumps
up, pushing his way out.
                                                            

20.

                       NIGEL
      (Yelling)
Who put his finger in my arse?
Come on now.
                                                            
Nobody says anything.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Okay, that's it. Get in line and
present your paws.
                                                            
The other players stand in line, arms extended. Going down
the line, Nigel grabs and sniffs each hand. PHIL is on the
sideline with JESSE.
                                                            
                       PHIL
Not again.
                                                            
Tyler and Sheila approach them.
                                                            
                       TYLER
This guy's supposedly one of the
roughest rugby players ever to
come out of Leeds.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
And that will do what to help him
in polo?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, that's just cool trivia. He's
also a world champion steeple
chaser.
                                                            
They stop at the sideline.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Which is he?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm not for sure.
      (To Jesse)
Excuse me. I'm looking for Mr.
Wenton.
                                                            
                       JESSE
He's out there. About to pound on
a rather unsuspecting and stupid
lad. Give it a few seconds.
                                                            
Nigel sniffs a hand, stops, glares at the player, and starts
punching him.
                                                            

21.

                       TYLER
That's our boy.
                                                            
 
INT. ROBIN HENDRIX'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Robin sits at a piano, playing a slow, romantic, and quite
unrecognizable version of the chicken dance song. Sheila
and Tyler sit and listen. He finishes.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
That one did it. Paid for all of
this and let me into a career of
horses.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Very beautiful, but I don't think
I've heard.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I have, but it was different.
                                                            
Robin rises.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
      (to Sheila)
Don't trouble yourself with it.
                                                            
He walks with Tyler.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
I composed that piece for my late
bride on the occasion of our
wedding.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You seem a bit old to be playing
polo.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
My friend, my playing days are
over. But, I'd love to offer my
years of experience with horses
and open my stables to your
league.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's very kind of you.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
      (from the next
       room)
I got it. I remembered the tune.
                                                            

22.

She starts playing the chicken dance song on the piano at
regular tempo. Robin quickly runs into the room, followed
closely by Tyler. She smiles and briskly plays the tune.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
The rhythm was different.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Never at that tempo. Not in this
house!!
                                                            
He slams the keyboard shut as she just barely moves her hand
out of the way. She moves out of the chair. He sits hard
and holds his head.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That song?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Yes. For my love.
      (beat)
At the reception, I stepped out
for a second; bathroom break. The
music was on the piano. I was to
serenade her.
      (beat)
While I was away, uncle Reginald
took a look, changed the tempo,
and played.
      (beat)
Everyone started doing that stupid
dance. I returned just in time to
see my desire, my best friend,
gyrating all over the dance floor
to that tune. Ruined everything.
                                                            
He smiles.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Yes. That's my legacy. Legendary
music family and that's where I
carve my niche.
      (beat)
Thanks Uncle Reggie
      (beat)
So, should you still wish to have
me, when are tryouts?
                                                            
 
INT. MAX STURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Max sits at his desk. Tyler knocks.
                                                            

23.

                       MAX
Come on in, kid.
                                                            
Tyler enters and sits across from him.
                                                            
                       MAX
Hello, m'boy. Did I want to speak
with you.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm a bit busy. I don't mean to
be rude, but could we keep this
brief?
                                                            
                       MAX
Oh, very sorry. Of course. You're
with people. Don't want to be
left at the station, now do we?
                                                            
                       TYLER
No, we don't.
                                                            
                       MAX
Indeed no.
      (beat)
My boy, I would like to invite you
to my ranch on Saturday afternoon.
Again, please bring Leopold.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I don't think that would be such a
great idea.
                                                            
                       MAX
I don't know why you'd say such
things. Most attorneys would jump
at the chance to discuss a
partnership.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Partner?
                                                            
Max leans back, gloating. Tyler considers him a moment.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm sorry. I have a previous
engagement that day. Perhaps we
can reschedule.
                                                            
                       MAX
I'm sorry, son. Opportunity
doesn't ask us when we'd like it
to knock.
      (beat)
            (MORE)

24.

                       MAX (cont'd)
You don't actually think you can
pull this off, do you?
                                                            
                       TYLER
What do you mean?
                                                            
Max opens his desk drawer and pulls out the brochure. He
throws it on the desk.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Is that what this is about?
                                                            
                       MAX
Tryouts this Saturday or a
partnership discussion. The
choice is yours.
                                                            
Tyler rises.
                                                            
                       TYLER
In that case, may I bid you a good
day and a wonderful weekend.
                                                            
He leaves. Max watches him go.
                                                            
 
INT. STABLE - NIGHT
                                                            
Tyler brushes down Leopold.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (Peter Lorre
       impersonation)
Oh Leopold. Tomorrow is a big,
big day. All sorts of people,
people like me. They'll be coming
from all around, Leo. Coming for
us.
      (beat/in normal
       voice)
Oh, no worries, Leo. We don't
care if the horses are left
handed.
      (beat)
You're not, are you?
                                                            
He chuckles.
                                                            
                       TYLER
There should be some interesting
personalities there, boy. Maybe a
few single lady horses, too.
                                                            

25.

He winks at Leopold.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Not like last time, boy. These
are nice people. We won't be the
freaks. What do you think about
that?
                                                            
He leaves the stall, closing the door behind him.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (softly)
Good night, boy.
                                                            
Sheila stands silently; watching him.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You spoil that horse.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I think it's nice. I see enough
people come in here who it seems
couldn't care less about their
horses. And you're here three,
maybe four times a week.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Is there a remark coming?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
No remark. I just think it's
nice.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Thanks. Hey, and thanks in
advance for tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
What're friends for?
      (beat)
Hey, I have a pot of coffee on in
the house. Would you like to join
me?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Early morning. Besides, people
might start to talk.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
People already talk.
                                                            

26.

He smiles.
                                                            
                       TYLER
See you in the morning.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Good night, my friend.
                                                            
 
EXT. PASTURE - DAY
                                                            
Morning. People ride their horses around the pasture,
warming up for competition. Sheila stands on a hill and
watches the event, holding a clipboard. Tyler approaches on
foot.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You're late.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Car problems.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Liar. You overslept.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Lucky for you, I did not. Where's
Leo?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I left him in the trailer. Who's
here?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Everybody.
                                                            
They look down at the crowd.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Could you please be more vague?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Everybody and then some.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's better. Who's the guy with
the dogs? We diidn't visit him.
                                                            

27.

                       SHEILA
That's Brian. He was out of town
for work last week. His wife
couldn't make it, so he brought
them.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Nice. I see the rugby player's
here.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Our mathematician and medicine
man, too.
      (beat)
Robin's down with the horses.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You keeping them?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Where?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You couldn't see it last night,
but we fabricated an outdoor
stable. Houses about fifty.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Excellent. Who's the guy walking
among the players?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I don't know.
                                                            
                       TYLER
How's that?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
He wouldn't tell me.
                                                            
DAVID MCQUEEN walks among the horses, talking to the riders.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Seems like he's making
conversation with a lot of people.
Why not you?
      (beat)
I better go talk to him before he
gets himself trampled.
                                                            

28.

He walks down the hill. Christopher rides by him.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Hey.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hey. I know you, just don't know
from where.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Bugbie's trial. Last month.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Ah yes. Mr. Melendez. I don't
think I caught your name.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Christopher.
                                                            
He extends his hand. They shake.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hey Christopher. Tyler. Lefty?
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
All my life.
                                                            
                       HERMAN (OS)
      (shouting from a
       distance)
Quit flirting, fag.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Is he?
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Him? No, not at all. Better get
going. See ya'.
                                                            
He rides back to the other players. Tyler continues his
walk David speaks with Stephanie, a younger, attractive
player.
                                                            
                       DAVID
It's all logic. Left hand mind.
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Left hand mind?
                                                            
                       DAVID
Exactly. We're left handed. No
reason we can't be left minded,
too. It's a matter of
hemispheres, if you know what I'm
            (MORE)

29.

                       DAVID (cont'd)
saying.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hello sir. Can I help you?
                                                            
David doesn't even look at him.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Can't you see I'm talking with the
lady?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Ummm. I own ths league.
                                                            
His attention shifts, immediately, to Tyler. David's face
lights up.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Just the person I wanted to see.
                                                            
Tyler extends his right hand; David, his left. They look
at one another for a second. David laughs. Tyler extends
his left hand.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Tyler Herndon.
                                                            
                       DAVID
David McQueen.
                                                            
They shake.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Can we get you a horse?
                                                            
                       DAVID
Huh? No. I don't ride. Hate
horses.
                                                            
                       TYLER
This gathering is for polo
players.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Indeed it is. Left-handed polo
players, ot be more specific.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yes.
                                                            

30.

                       DAVID
Well, sir. I might just have the
most important job of all.
                                                            
                       TYLER
And what's that?
                                                            
                       DAVID
This league is a beacon, shining
through the fog and gloom.
Breaking down walls and throwing a
rope to those who have been
trodden upon for far too long and
allowing us to take our manifest
spot in the world. Though, not
overwhelming in number, we are
powerful in spirit. Superior in
intellect.
                                                            
Just then, BRIAN rides by, his dogs nipping at his horse's
heels.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Cocoa. Felicity. Stop that. Just
stop it. Do you want daddy dashed
upon the ground?
                                                            
He rides off.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to David)
I'm sorry. You were saying?
                                                            
                       DAVID
I'm here to make sure this is a
friendly and equal place for
left-handers. My card.
                                                            
He hands him a card.
                                                            
                       DAVID
I have work to do. I shall talk
to you, sir, after I've sweat a
pint and bled two.
                                                            
He walks off. Tyler is about to follow, when Nigel and
Simon approach on horseback.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Hey Ty. We've got a bit of a
suggestion.
                                                            

31.

At the top of the hill, LONNIE THAYER rides up behind
Sheila. He is missing his right arm at the elbow.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
      (to Sheila)
Am I too late to play?
                                                            
At the bottom of the hill, Tyler walks beside Nigel and
Simon.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So that's why, even though the
Mongols originally used a goat's
head for a ball, we're going to go
ahead and stick with the league
standard issue rubber.
                                                            
                       SIMON
When you put it that way, it does
make sense.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Righto. Back to the grind.
                                                            
They both ride off. Robin approaches on Leopold.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Hey boss. You look a bit lost
without the old boy under you.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Thank you so much.
                                                            
Lonnie screams by, handling the ball like an old pro.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Did you see that?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Yeah. One and a half arms, at
last count.
                                                            
Tyler laughs. Robin descends and Tyler gets up into the
saddle.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I need to get us started.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Enjoy and mind the horses.
                                                            
Tyler rides away, to the players. The competition begins as
players periodically rotate in and out. Each player has

32.

their own style and several distinguish themselves. Nigel
is more aggressive. Lonnie's better at ball control.
Christopher, Stephanie, and Simon are more adept at finesse.
Tyler excels at controlling his horse. Sheila watches all
with Robin and jots some notes. David looks uninterested in
the play on the field. When they finish, Tyler gallops over
to Sheila and Robin.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So, what do you think?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Looked like a lot of fun. I
better go and see to the horses.
                                                            
He moves to help with the horses coming off the field.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I have exhaustive notes on all
players.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Excellent. Should help us put
together the best possible teams
for a competitive league. I think
we can do four teams, for now,
including subs. I don't want to
tear up your pasture, though.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Don't worry about that. It wasn't
really doing much else.
                                                            
Lonnie rides over with David following on foot.
                                                            
                       DAVID
This won't be allowed. I've
spoken to Tyler and you'll be out
of this league. You can't stay.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What's going on here?
                                                            
                       LONNIE
This guy says.
                                                            
David interrupts.
                                                            
                       DAVID
This man has been lying to you.
All this afternoon.
                                                            

33.

                       TYLER
Somebody make sense.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Him. He deceived you. Tried to
be one of us. The wolf in sheep's
clothing.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
I lost my right arm in an
automobile accident when I was
fifteen. Until then, I was
right-handed. I had to learn how
to use my left hand predominately.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Ha! You see!!! Get off the
field, devil. You're not wanted
here!!!
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Lonnie)
Is that all? Of course you can
play with us.
                                                            
                       DAVID
What? That's an outrage!!! He's
not one of us!!! This won't
stand!
                                                            
                       TYLER
Excuse me?
                                                            
                       DAVID
You can't allow him in this
league.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I can and just did. He's one of
us. We play polo left-handed. He
plays polo left-handed. What do
you do?
                                                            
                       DAVID
I look out for the rights of
left-handers.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Exactly. You've done nothing all
day but spread strife; no doubt
for your own selfish ends. As the
owner of the left out polo league,
I say get off the field and don't
            (MORE)

34.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
come back.
                                                            
                       DAVID
This is preposterous.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Leave.
                                                            
David looks around. Nobody comes to his defense.
                                                            
                       DAVID
This is the thanks I get? You've
not heard the last of me.
                                                            
He stomps off the field. Nigel rides up to Tyler.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
You said no goat's head. What
about a jackass head? I could
catch him before he's gone.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Sheila)
Think we can burn the pig yet?
                                                            
 
EXT. BARNYARD - DAY
                                                            
Late afternoon. A bonfire burns. A pig is being roasted on a
spit. Several picnic tables are set up. Some people play
catch with a Frisbee. Others play with the dogs. Stephanie
juggles three balls while Simon and Nigel look on. She
finishes with a fountain, spins, and catches all three
balls. The two men applaud.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Good show, lady. Good show.
                                                            
                       SIMON
That was amazing. Where did you
learn that?
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Junior high. Camp, actually.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Amazing. Could you teach me
sometime?
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Sure.
                                                            

35.

Nigel gets up, leaving the two. He grabs the Frisbee from
the air and tosses it to Herman. One of Brian's dogs leaps
up and starts licking him.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
      (yelling)
Christopher!!! Get it off me!!!
Get it off me!!!
                                                            
Brian laughs.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Looks like you found a new friend.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
Christopher!!!
                                                            
Christopher looks and laughs.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Just get rid of the disc, Herm.
                                                            
Herman turns and runs. The dog follows and is soon joined
by the other dog. Again, he screams. This time
incoherently.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
      (to Christopher)
You gonna help him?
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Nah. The workout will do him
good.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Beer?
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Beer.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Beer.
                                                            
Tyler, Sheila, and Robin sit together.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
I definitely saw promise out there
today. And the four team rotation
is a great idea. One thing. What
about refs?
                                                            

36.

                       SHEILA
Why not have the subs police their
own team?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Worth a shot.
      (beat)
Wow. Hard to believe, but this
thing might actually work.
                                                            
 
INT. MAX STURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Tyler sits across from Max with a flabbergasted look on his
face.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm sorry. Could you please
repeat what you just said?
                                                            
                       MAX
I said congratulations on the polo
league. I hope you do well.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That part was okay. Would you
fast forward a little, please? To
the part that I think involved
your son.
                                                            
                       MAX
Oh that. I was hoping you might
have a spot for him in your
league. He loves playing so much
and really needs to be in a league
without his old man.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But, he's right-handed. He plays
right-handed.
                                                            
                       MAX
And?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Our league is for left-handed
players only. I don't think he'd
be a good fit.
                                                            
                       MAX
Oh. If that's the way you feel.
Little Mac will be so heartbroken,
but this too shall pass.
      (beat)
            (MORE)

37.

                       MAX (cont'd)
So, please give me an update on
the Finsky case.
                                                            
 
INT. CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
The group is gathered around a table. A birthday cake is
set in front of Christopher.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Thanks guys.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
And, per your request, no
embarassing song.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Thanks for that, too. Where's
Herm?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I think he went to the bathroom.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
I don't want to blow my candles
out until he gets back.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Oh dear sweet Lord, what is that?
                                                            
Everybody turns. A spotlight is focused on a stage with a
grand piano at one end of the club. Herman reclines on the
piano, microphone in hand. He sings 'Happy Birthday' to
Christopher in a rather seductive tone, climbing down and
slowly approaching the table. The party watches with slack
jawed expressions. Christopher hides his face in his hands.
When done, Herman kisses Christopher on top of the head,
blows out a candle, and helps himself to a piece of cake.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I need a drink.
                                                            
He gets up.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Let me join you.
                                                            
They go to the bar.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What's on your mind?
                                                            

38.

                       SIMON
Oh, just stuff. I think I might
be going insane.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Is it a girl?
                                                            
                       SIMON
You could say that. Yet so much
more.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Somebody in the league?
                                                            
                       SIMON
Oh yeah.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Gonna tell me who it is?
                                                            
                       SIMON
Oh sorry. yes. It's her. Every
time I see her ride across the
field, my heart comes alive.
                                                            
He stares longingly, from afar, at BRENDA, a middle-aged,
slightly overweight woman.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But, she's married.
                                                            
                       SIMON
No. That can't be.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Three kids, too. She brought them
to a game.
      (beat)
You held her youngest while she
went for the diapers. Don't you
remember?
                                                            
Simon looks very dejected.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Really man, don't you think she's
a bit old for you?
                                                            
                       SIMON
But she's my age.
                                                            

39.

                       TYLER
You're fifty years old? Looking
good.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Huh? Who do you think I'm looking
at?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Brenda, right?
                                                            
                       SIMON
Oh God no. Look beyond her.
                                                            
Beyond her is Stephanie.
                                                            
                       SIMON
The fair Stephanie.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh. Much better. She's single.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Great.
      (beat)
Listen, I don't do well on first
dates and absolutely want to make
a good impression so, I was
wondering if you and Sheila would
double date with us. Assuming
she'd go out with me, of course.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, first, I think she'd totally
date you.
                                                            
                       SIMON
You think so?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh yeah.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Would you ask her out for me?
                                                            
                       TYLER
What're we, in junior high?
                                                            
                       SIMON
Please.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I can't believe I'm doing this.
                                                            

40.

Tyler grabs a cocktail napkin, writes on it for a bit, folds
it up, and walks over to the table. He hands it and points.
It's passed until it gets to Stephanie. She opens it and
looks at Tyler. He points to Simon. She looks at him. He
looks away. She writes something on the note, folds it, and
passes it back. Tyler looks at it and returns it to Simon.
                                                            
                       SIMON
I can't know. Don't tell me.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Dude, she circled yes.
                                                            
Simon smiles widely and returns to the table. Tyler sits at
the bar, then quickly turns.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But we're not dating.
      (to bartender)
I don't care what it is, just give
me a double.
                                                            
 
INT. MAX STURGEON'S OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Very dark. Max sits behind the desk, wearing an evil grin.
A figure sits opposite him. We can't see who it is.
                                                            
                       MAX
So nice of you to come on such
short notice. We have much to
talk about and I think we should
get started.
                                                            
 
EXT. TANGO CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
Simon and Tyler arrive in a car. They get out and walk
toward the club. Simon is very eager and tends to run over
what Tyler says.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You sure about this place?
                                                            
                       SIMON
You saw the ad. Great dinner,
great dance. How do I look?
                                                            
                       TYLER
You look okay, but.
                                                            
                       SIMON
I don't look over eager?
                                                            

41.

                       TYLER
No, but.
                                                            
                       SIMON
She loves math. Did I tell you
that?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I think you might have.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Her math. Me science. They go
hand in hand, really.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, yeah. Sort of.
                                                            
                       SIMON
She came up with the left-hand
rule for defining the Z axis of
three dimensional objects. Do you
have any idea how fascinating that
is?
                                                            
                       TYLER
No, I don't.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Exceptional woman. My duty to win
her heart.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But the dancing. Do you.
                                                            
                       SIMON
The dancing is great. Increased
heart rate releases endorphins
that tend to stimulate
conversation. It also tears down
any mental barriers that might
have been created by aesthetic
impressions.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But, it's the tango.
                                                            
                       SIMON
No more words. She's in there. A
few things.
                                                            
He takes out an asthma canister and gives himself a shot.
                                                            

42.

                       SIMON
Give me my flower.
                                                            
Tyler hands him a single rose.
                                                            
                       SIMON
And try to calm down a bit.
Sheesh.
                                                            
He goes inside. Tyler follows.
                                                            
 
INT. TANGO CLUB - NIGHT
                                                            
Stephanie and Sheila sit at a table. Tyler and Simon
approach.
                                                            
                       SIMON
      (to Stephanie)
M'lady.
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Hey.
                                                            
He hands her the flower.
                                                            
                       SIMON
A rose for a flower.
                                                            
She smiles.
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Thank you.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Sheila)
You guys been here long?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Half hour.
      (to Stephanie)
You?
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Hour.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Both early, eh?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Maybe. We assumed you both
overslept.
                                                            

43.

                       TYLER
Don't change the subject.
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
You two are such a cute couple
      (to Simon)
Don't you think?
                                                            
                       TYLER
But, we're not.
                                                            
Simon interrupts.
                                                            
                       SIMON
      (to Stephanie)
Yes, of course they are. Would
you like a drink?
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Why yes.
                                                            
                       SIMON
What'll it be?
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Let's go to the bar together.
                                                            
He rises and holds out his elbow. She links arms and the
two walk away.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Hoow precious. Alone at last.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You could have been more
supportive.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Huh? What do you mean?
                                                            
                       TYLER
What a cute couple? This is why
everybody thinks we're dating.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yeah, that and because you're
always coming over to my house.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Leopold thanks you for allowing
the relationship between a man and
his horse to be sullied.
                                                            

44.

She sticks her tongue out at him.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
So, do you tango?
                                                            
                       TYLER
No. Never.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Me either. I think we both just
avoided a rather awkward moment.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Bingo. Speaking of which, I'm a
bit worried about them dancing. I
don't think he saw this whole
thing through.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
It's just the tango.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yes, and it's not exactly an easy
dance to learn.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Maybe they do it where he's from.
                                                            
                       TYLER
In Pakistan?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Shh. Hold it down. Here they
come.
                                                            
The two, giggling, stop at the table long enough to drop off
their glasses, then proceed to the dance floor, where other
couples are already tangoing.
                                                            
                       TYLER
And the train wreck begins.
                                                            
He looks away from them.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Let me knwo how it goes.
                                                            
The two start dancing and are awesome. Simon leads well and
Stephanie is a good partner. Only Sheila sees this,
however.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Oh no.
                                                            

45.

                       TYLER
What?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Nothing.
                                                            
                       TYLER
How're they doing?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Alright.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Just alright?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Well, if you don't believe me,
then why don't you just give it a
look yourself?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Because I don't delight in other
people's failures.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Suit yourself.
                                                            
She seethes.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Why? Why? He's going to kill
her.
                                                            
She covers her eyes. They still dance perfectly. Finally,
Tyler looks and sees this.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You know that you're going to hell
for that one.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You love it.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe.
                                                            
She smiles.
                                                            
                       TYLER
After these kids are done, will
you feel like a nightcap?
                                                            

46.

                       SHEILA
At your place?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Of course.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
But won't people talk?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Of course they'll talk. They
always talk.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
We finally going to let 'em talk?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Maybe?
                                                            
The tango continues.
                                                            
 
INT. TYLER'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
He enters and throws off his coat. Whistling, he goes into
the basement, then emerges with a bottle of wine. He grabs
two wine glasses. The doorbell rings. Carrying the bottle
and glasses and still whistling, he moves to the door and
opens it.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hey good looking.
                                                            
He notices, too late, that the entire team, plus Little Mac
and minus Simon and Stephanie, is on the other side of the
door.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oops, I mean, hi guys.
                                                            
Robin pushes in. The rest follow.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Don't you ever answer your phone?
This is horrible.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I can't believe this.
                                                            

47.

                       NIGEL
Believe it.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What is it?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
I feel awful.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Don't blame yourself, son.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What?
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Maybe if we beat them up good.
That'd make them stop.
                                                            
Tyler whistles loudly, leaving everybody holding their ears.
                                                            
                       TYLER
It's the middle of the night.
Somebody make sense.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
      (to Little Mac)
Go ahead and tell them, son.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
      (to Tyler)
Did dad talk to you a few weeks
ago?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Your dad talks to me every day.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
No, no. Not about anything firm
related.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, he did congratulate me on
the league.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Anything else?
                                                            
                       TYLER
He did ask if I'd let you join. I
said no. No offense intended.
                                                            

48.

                       LITTLE MAC
None taken. I think that's it.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's what?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
He said you made disparaging
comments about right-handers and
that your league is prejudicial.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh my God. How can he do that?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
He recorded your conversation.
He's using me as some sort of
victim in this.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I assumed tha tmuch.
                                                            
Nigel picks up the bottle.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Mind if I drink this?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Go ahead.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
He also hired a civil rights
expert. I think he's planning on
throwing the full weight of the
firm at your league.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's impossible. What'd your
grandfather say?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
He's out of the country and can't
be reached. He's always out of
the country. I'm starting to
understand why.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Anything more?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
They had a press converence today.
                                                            

49.

                       BRIAN
I recorded it.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
I'd second you on your defense if
they hadn't forcibly made me a
plaintiff.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Brian)
You recorded it?
                                                            
Brian holds up a DVD.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Did it on this new system we got.
The kids, they're dogs, I know,
but it's all we got, but anyway,
the kids howled through the whole
thing.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
What system?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
The Phoenix.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
I prefer the Brass Call.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
The Phoenix was on sale.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
I lean more towards the Premium
Performance.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
That's a good one. I do think
that the Brass Call is better,
overall.
                                                            
Sheila enters without knocking.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
      (to Tyler)
Don't you think they might ruin
the nighcap?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hey. We need to watch something
first.
                                                            

50.

                       ROBIN
      (to all)
Systems don't matter. He needs to
see this.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Oh, of course.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
      (to Tyler)
Where would your player be?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Living room.
                                                            
The door is pounded upon.
                                                            
                       HERMAN (os)
      (shouting through
       door)
Christopher!! I know you're in
there with that hussy. I can hear
voices. Let me in!! I'm taking
you home.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Oh no. He's been extremely
jealous of the team.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
He does know that it's just a fun
activity, right?
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
I don't think it matters.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
We can't watch this with him
pouniding.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Do you have another player?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Upstairs, in my bedroom.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
      (to Sheila)
Please, lead the way.
                                                            
The group leaves the kitchen.
                                                            

51.

                       TYLER
Hey, we're not. Never mind.
                                                            
He leaves the kitchen. The pounding resumes.
                                                            
                       HERMAN (os)
      (Through door)
Christopher!!!
                                                            
 
INT. TYLER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
His bedroom. Everybody lies/sits on or around his bed.
Brian looks at the entertainment system.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It's a London. This one's nice.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Just play the disc, man.
                                                            
He puts it in and hits play.
                                                            
 
INT. STURGEON CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Playing on the system. The room is packed with cameras and
reporters. Max stands by a podium and waves to reporters.
                                                            
                       MAX
Thank you for attendin, esteemed
members of the press. This is a
critical time in our nation's
history and civil rights in
general. We've called you to
announce that Sturgeon, Sturgeon,
and Sturgeon will again be at the
vanguard of winds of change
blowing across our fine land. This
effort won't be easy, as no
worthwhile endeavor ever is.
Therefore, we will be assisted in
this mission by one who proudly
wears the scars of battles fought
and enemies bested in the war for
equality. Please join me in
welcoming Dr. David McQueen.
                                                            
He alone applauds madly as David rises and extends his left
hand. Max shakes it with his right. The two, hands joined,
turn and face the crowd, hands in the air.
                                                            

52.

                       DAVID
We are at a time where man is
closer to true equality than he
ever has been. Walls have been
broken down; chains unshackled.
The playing field leveled.
Unfortunately, progressive thought
has often been stifled by those
who hold the reins. Napoleon did
it. Hitler too. And now, we see
it again with a league of a few
who desire to discriminate and
keep this poor young man from
pursuing his dreams. He was born
this way. Does that mean he
should suffer? We will tear down
the barriers that have been placed
in his way. Please, boy. We
shall start it with a hug of
brotherhood and a kiss of
vindication.
                                                            
He moves toward Little Mac with arms open and lips puckered.
Little Mac rises, shakes his head, and tried to flee in the
other direction. His father blocks his path, spins him
around, and pushes him to David.
                                                            
 
INT. TYLER'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
The group is watching. The DVD ends.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Wow. That sucks. Did he hug and
kiss you?
                                                            
Little Mac hangs his head.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's immaterial. He compared me
to Hitler. This more than sucks.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
So, boss, what are we going to do?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I dont' know. I'm sure I'll be
getting the subpoena soon. After
that comes the trial. Knowing
what I now know, I just need to
think. Think, think, think.
                                                            
He rises and starts to pace and rub his temples.
                                                            

53.

                       TYLER
Oh Leopold, where are you when I
need you?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What's he doing?
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Just let him go. I think he's on
to something.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Mully.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
What's that?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Mully v. Skulder. I can use that
as a defense. It'd be airtight.
                                                            
He runs over to a small bookcase and starts pulling books.
                                                            
                       TYLER
If I'm right, we can't lose using
this. There is no counter.
                                                            
He kisses Sheila on the lips.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I need my coat.
                                                            
He leaves the room, followed by the team. Sheila remains.
Beaming, she sits on the bed and looks whimsically.
                                                            
 
EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Several weeks later. David is, again, at a podium, smiling
widely. There is a little press conference going on. Max
is seated to his right. Several security guards are around.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Right hand, to left hand, to right
hand. No longer shall it be a
problem to be left out. Justice
has spoken and this young lad.
                                                            
He points to Little Mac, seated at his left.
                                                            
                       DAVID
This nubile young man is now free
to pursue his dream of playing
polo, just like all the other
            (MORE)

54.

                       DAVID (cont'd)
little children.
                                                            
Little Mac rises.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
I never wanted this. I hate polo.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (to security
       gueards)
Gentlemen.
                                                            
A guard and Max grab Little Mac and drag him away. David
smiles the entire time.
                                                            
                       DAVID
As I was saying, now that the
league has been opened and
integrated, we need to make sure
it stays that way. A commissioner
must be appointed. We will fight
for this in court. It is the next
battle to be fought and won.
                                                            
The team members watch the scene from behind the crowd of
reporters.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Anybody want to venture a guess as
to who he's got in mind?
                                                            
                       NIGEL
River diving snake in the grass.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
I'm so sorry.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
No reason to beat yourself up.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
But it's my fault. I was the
precedent; the right-hander
allowed in originally.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Hey now. None of that. Do you
feel like a rightie?
                                                            
                       LONNIE
No.
                                                            

55.

                       STEPHANIE
Do you think like one?
                                                            
                       LONNIE
I don't know. I think not.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Do you even have a right hand?
                                                            
                       LONNIE
No.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Then it's settled. You're a
lefty. Courts be damned.
                                                            
Tyler stands off to the side, muttering to himself. Sheila
consoles him.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I was wrong. So perfect. How?
Why?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
It's okay. These things happen.
                                                            
Tyler looks at Max.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Him. It was him.
                                                            
He starts moving toward the stage.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (shouting at Max)
You son o fa bitch. It was you.
First you kill my league and now
you want to rape its corpse.
                                                            
Sheila and the team restrain him.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
      (to Tyler)
Shh. Be calm. You don't want to
let them win.
                                                            
                       TYLER
They've already won.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Hey, you're still here.
                                                            

56.

                       TYLER
Fine. You're right.
                                                            
They let him go and he walks away.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (Fading out)
Equality for all. The right
choice.
                                                            
 
INT. BARN - DAY
                                                            
In the stable, Tyler brushes Leopold's mane.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hey boy. You seem down. Or, is
it just me? You trying to act
like me?
                                                            
He brushes a bit.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You know, it's tempting. It's
just tempting to say that it's not
fair. It's just not fair and
where's my equality? But I won't.
I know you expect more than that.
But, they did force me. And now,
I must comply. We have the first
practice with Little Mac tomorrow.
He's not a bad guy. It's just,
first him, then others, then
David. Then no lefties. No polo.
I don't want to worry you too
much, boy.
                                                            
He takes out a carrot, leans his head against the horse and,
hugging him, feeds him. He cries slightly.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Who am I fooling? It isn't fair,
boy.
                                                            
He leaves the stable. Sheila's waiting.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Hey.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Hey.
                                                            

57.

                       TYLER
No wise cracks?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
No. Of course not.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Then I think I'll be going. The
league changes tomorrow.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Can you stay for a bit?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Sure.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I was impressed with how you
defended the league in court. Such
fire.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I lost, but thanks.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
These things happen.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Of course. It's easy for you to
say that. You're not a lefty. Do
you have any idea what it's like
when somebody sees you sign your
name for the first time and says,
"oh, you're left-handed?" As if
it's something to be ashamed of.
Then, invariably, they say, "well,
that explains a lot."
                                                            
                       SHEILA
No. I can't imagine what that
would be like.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Did you know, in nature, the
snail's natural enemy is the crab?
Their shell, the snail, I mean,
their shell coils either to the
right or left. Crabs have this
protrusion on one claw that serves
as a can opener of sorts. It's
set up to work best on right-hand
snails; those whose shell coils
to their right. If the shell
curls to the left, they can't open
            (MORE)

58.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
them. They have to move on to
another snail. It's been
scientifically proven. Still,
regardless of this survival
advantage, nature, for whatever
reason, still sees fit to make
most snails right-handed. I've
been thinking about that a lot
lately, actually.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Where'd you hear that?
                                                            
                       TYLER
NPR or Discovery Channel. I
forget.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Rather dead than left-handed?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I guess.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
That sucks. I guess they just
don't know what they're missing.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Not much, from what I've seen.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I think it's a lot more than you
know.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's kind of you to say.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
No, really. You have no idea how
much I've loved this league.
Besides, I have a confession.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Go ahead.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I kinda' know how you feel for
more reasons than I've told. You
see, when I was three, I burned my
hand on a radiator. From that day
forth, I've been right-handed. But
before, I was ambidextrous. So,
            (MORE)

59.

                       SHEILA (cont'd)
you see.
                                                            
Tyler interrupts.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You were a lefty?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Well, at least half left-handed. I
think I've retained the lefty
brain, though. Just the way I
look at things, I guess. Helps
with the way I look at you.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh yeah?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You kissed me.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Nuh uh.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yes, you did. In your bedroom.
With the team standing around.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But, I.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
It was electric.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh yeah?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yeah. And, I saw the wine. I
love that label.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh really?
                                                            
They move closer during the exchange, about to kiss again.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You do know we're now about to
cross a line.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Of course. And that means a lot
of talking.
                                                            

60.

                       TYLER
Whispering.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Gossiping.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Conjecturing.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Etcetera.
                                                            
They're very close when Tyler's phone rings. It screams,
over and over again, "answer the damn phone, answer the damn
phone." Tyler pushes back, takes out the phone, and stares
at it.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
What?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I have to answer this.
                                                            
He answers it.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (into phone)
Hello sir.
      (pause)
Yes sir.
      (pause)
Yes sir.
      (pause)
Of course.
      (pause)
I see sir.
      (pause)
Yes sir.
      (pause)
I understand and will be right
there, sir.
                                                            
He hangs up.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
That seemed important.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, it was. It was the big, big
guy.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
God?
                                                            

61.

                       TYLER
No. Not really. Yet, in some
ways.
      (beat)
I need to go.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Can I?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Come along.
                                                            
 
INT. MAX STURGEON SR'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
MAX STURGEON SR. Sits behind the desk. He emits a
distinguished and patriarchal air. Tyler and Sheila sit
across from him.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
      (to Tyler)
I wanted to see you, son. Not you
and your special girl.
                                                            
                       TYLER
But, we're not.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Yeah, yeah. You're not dating.
Blah, blah, blah. Either that or
you're just the last to know. It's
neither here nor there. What I
say to you, I can say to her.
                                                            
He lights a cigarette, using his left hand.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Can't smoke, can't eat, can't do
anything anymore.
      (beat)
Son, my company's a mess and it's
all your fault.
                                                            
                       TYLER
My fault?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Well, indirectly. Actually, it's
my son. My goodness, it's a
damned quagmire.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I don't.
                                                            

62.

                       MAX SR.
The lawsuit tied up more hands
than we have to spare. And now, I
hear he's planning another with
this new scummy friend of his. We
can't have that. On the other
hand, I did make him principle for
a reason. Even though I sometimes
wish he'd been tossed to the
wolves as a child, if not for him,
I'd have no grandson. And, I
still have a smidgen of faith,
dwindling as it is, in his
abilities to properly run this
firm. that said, we get to the
most important point: It's my
company. I will be skinned alive
before I allow it to become a
parody of itself. I have ultimate
veto power over cases and, with a
word, can pull the plug on any
further litigation. That'd be
nice, wouldn't it?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yes.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Of course it would. But that
would run against my competitive
nature. Therefore, I have a
proposition to make. You assemble
your best poo team and match them
against his. No rules about hands
used. You win and this all goes
away. You lose and I go away,
leaving you and your league
against this firm's mercies. Any
questions?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Two. First, why such a big deal
to you?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Allow me to answer. Watch
closely.
                                                            
He grabs a piece of paper and writes on it with his left
hand. He hands it to Tyler, who looks at it.
                                                            

63.

                       TYLER
      (reading paper)
I'm left-handed, stupid?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
What else?
                                                            
                       TYLER
What about the commish to be?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Those sorts are nothing without
backing. You win and we pull the
rug out from under him and have
him deported to a country of our
choice.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Can we do that?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Yes. Don't ask how. Anything
else?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Nothing I can think of.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Now go practice. Oh, and one more
thing I need to tell you.
                                                            
 
EXT. PASTURE - DAY
                                                            
Simon, Christopher, Nigel, Brian, Lonnie, and Little Mac
practice. Sheila and Robin look on. Little Mac plays
right-handed and is his usual bumbling self. The rest of
the team is hospitable. He misses an easy pass. Lonnie
steals and runs the other way for a goal.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
I hate this game.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Don't be so hard on yourself.
                                                            
David approaches Robin, walking. He speaks into a cell
phone.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
Yeah, well I won't know what I
need to do until I take a look.
I'm sure a lot needs to be fixed.
            (MORE)

64.

                       DAVID (cont'd)
Know what I'm saying?
      (to Sheila)
I need a roster, sugar.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Huh?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
      (to Sheila)
Keep watching the teams. I'll
take care of this.
      (to David)
Who're you?
                                                            
                       DAVID
You know who I am, pops. One day
soon, you'll be calling me boss.
Now, fetch me a roster of my
teams.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Some day soon is not today. You'll
get a roster the day you take over
which, not coincidentally, will be
the day after I resign.
                                                            
He turns back to the practice. David turns and walks away.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
Yeah, real tough guy. We'll be
needing a new coach, too.
                                                            
Tyler approaches Robin on Leopold.
                                                            
                       TYLER
How's practice?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Nightmare. He's beyond raw. To
say inept would be kind. And
worse, that walking piece of crap
over there keeps interrupting.
                                                            
He points to David.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'll take care of him. Would you
please call Little Mac over? Also,
send Nigel my way.
                                                            

65.

                       ROBIN
Aye aye.
                                                            
Robin walks off.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Sheila)
We never finished our discussion.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Some day.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Always someday.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Someday always does get here, you
know?
                                                            
                       TYLER
One day.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
One day.
                                                            
He rides off to David.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
Yeah, we can't be playing in a
pasture. My league needs an
arena. Know what I mean?
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to David)
Hey, Mr. Vichy Commish. A word
please.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
Hang on. I have a gnat
interrupting.
      (to Tyler)
What?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Maybe you're not familiar with our
rules, but no phones are allowed
in the participant's area. They
tend to spook the horses. Please
pass it over.
                                                            

66.

                       DAVID
Yeah, right.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Sir, if you refuse to comply,
we'll either have to ask you to
leave or have security remove you.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Pshh. Security.
      (into phone)
Everybody's being a tough guy
today. Don't they know who I am?
      (pause)
No class.
                                                            
He turns his back on Tyler. Nigel approaches on horseback.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Help ya' boss?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Nigel, this man refuses to abide
by our no phone rule. Would you
please, as chief of security,
either encourage him to comply or
escort him off the premises?
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Chief of security? What's that
pay?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'll double your playing salary.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Double of nothing sounds like a
deal to me.
      (to his horse)
Let's go get 'im, Carnage.
                                                            
He rides over to David and starts butting him with the
horse. David runs and Nigel follows. David throws the
phone at the two and flees from the field. Nigel follows
for a bit, then turns and moves toward the phone. The horse
steps on it, pulverizing the phone. Nigel rides past Tyler.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Oops.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Happens.
                                                            

67.

Nigel returns to the field. Tyler moves back to Robin and
Sheila, who are both standing with Little Mac.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
      (to Tyler)
Nicely done.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
You wanted to see me?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah. Just felt like asking if
you're enjoying yourself.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Of course not.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What's the problem?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
This mallet. It's cumbersome.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Anything else?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
The team's cool. I love horses.
So no, aside from the mallet, I'm
having a blast.
                                                            
Tyler gets down from his horse and goes to Little Mac's
right side.
                                                            
                       TYLER
This mallet's causing all your
problems?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Yeah.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Then give it to me.
                                                            
He gives it to Tyler, who goes to Little Mac's left side.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Take the mallet.
                                                            
He takes it with his left hand. Tyler sets a ball on the
ground nearby.
                                                            

68.

                       TYLER
Hit the ball.
                                                            
He hits it solidly onto the field.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Now try playing that way.
                                                            
Little Mac smiles and rides onto the field.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
How about that?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Not that shocking, really.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yea. Of course Max would be the
type to force his left-handed son
to be a rightie.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Amazing. He's a wholly better
player.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Something else. You've been
watching since the beginning. We
need to know the best eight
players. Did Sheila tell you why?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
She filled me in and I'm
evaluating as we speak. Let's see
if I'm clear on the finer points.
Two teams. Three games. No
chukkas. First team to five wins
and the final will be played only
if necessary and will utilize a
combination of the best players of
the first two teams.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's pretty much it. If you've
got that, then I better get in
there. C'mon Leo.
                                                            
He puts on his helmet and rides onto the field.
                                                            
 

69.

INT. MAX STURGEON'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Tyler enters. Max sits at his desk. OXTAL, a young,
bearded, Pakistani man sits across from him.
                                                            
                       MAX
Hello Tyler. Please, have a seat.
                                                            
Tyler sits.
                                                            
                       MAX
So nice of you to make time for us
today.
                                                            
                       TYLER
What do you want, Max? I have
trial later.
                                                            
                       MAX
Is that any way to treat a
colleague? I just wanted to
introduce you to Oxtal. He's a
distinguished attorney who will be
working with us for the next few
weeks.
                                                            
Tyler extends his hand.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Oxtal)
What area of law?
                                                            
Smiling, Oxtal answers in Pakistani, with subtitles.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
Laws of civilization mean less to
me than jackal droppings.
                                                            
                       MAX
Oh, he doesn't speak English. Is
a gold medallist polo player,
though. How about that?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Why are you doing this?
                                                            
                       MAX
Doing what? I'm not sure what you
mean.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You know damn well what I mean.
                                                            

70.

Oxtal smiles warmly.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
I'll place your head on a pike by
the time we're done.
                                                            
                       MAX
Please forgive me if you think
it's wrong to hedge my bets. The
wager was not my idea.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm not talking about the wager. I
mean all of it. From the first
time you invited me to play. Why?
                                                            
Max considers him for a second, then smiles widely.
                                                            
                       MAX
Your types. I've spent years
trying to get into your head. To
think like you. From my father,
to my son, to enough people I
interact with over the course of a
day. All with their minds. The
minds. I can't see what you see.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
Your horse will taste good
sauteed.
                                                            
                       MAX
I want to. I've tried.
                                                            
                       TYLER
It's not so different.
                                                            
                       MAX
Oh, that's what you say. But I
know better. Well, if I can't
think like you, then there's other
ways to skin a cat.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
I can skin a rat in fifteen
seconds.
                                                            
                       MAX
Why should there be a world, such
as your mind, into which I can't
venture? Sounds like a
            (MORE)

71.

                       MAX (cont'd)
miscarriage of my rights, to be
honest.
                                                            
                       TYLER
So, that's what this is all about?
                                                            
                       MAX
Yes. You learn fast.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
Burning villages pacify my soul.
                                                            
                       MAX
It's simple, really. If I can't
have it, it won't exist.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's.
                                                            
                       MAX
Unfair? Yes. But whose world is
it, really?
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
Your world ablaze.
                                                            
                       MAX
Civil rights are only for those
causes that people care about.
                                                            
                       TYLER
That's diabolical.
                                                            
                       MAX
Inn my world, you are merely a
guest; an anomaly. You just need
to be reminded every now and then.
I see the future, your future. In
my vision, I see a hand. A left
hand. And it's being kicked
constantly. Forever.
                                                            
                       TYLER
You stole that.
                                                            
                       MAX
No, I didn't. I just came up with
it.
                                                            

72.

                       TYLER
No, you didn't. It's from 1984.
And you completely botched the
parallel.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
I am warmed by pain.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Regardless, if that's how you
feel, we shall have to prove
otherwise.
                                                            
                       MAX
The courts say I'm right.
                                                            
                       TYLER
We say you're wrong.
                                                            
                       MAX
To the strong, glory.
                                                            
                       TYLER
The final game.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
Until the ashes of the vanquished
are stirred in the wind.
                                                            
 
INT. BARN - NIGHT
                                                            
Tyler is in the stall with Leopold
                                                            
                       TYLER
Huge day tomorrow, boy. Thought
you might like this.
                                                            
He pulls out a baggy of sugar cubes.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Easy does it. Don't want to ruin
your appetite.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Don't you know that's going to
keep him up all night?
                                                            
She enters.
                                                            

73.

                       TYLER
      (to Leopold in a
       Peter Lorre
       impersonation)
Don't tell mom, Leo. It just
won't do.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Hi.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (normal voice)
Hey.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Nervous?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Shh.
                                                            
He exits the stable. She follows.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Are we now shielding the kids from
our fears?
                                                            
                       TYLER
If we didn't, what would they
think of us?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Good point. Did I tell you that
my mare is pregnant? I think
Leo's the dad.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Prove it.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I need some DNA.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Get a subpoena.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I'll need a judge.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I know a few.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Can you put in a good word for me?
                                                            

74.

                       TYLER
I'll need a retainer.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Had one.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh yeah?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
High school. Straightened my
teeth.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Why should I believe you?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Why are attorneys so paranoid?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Goes with the job. I'll need to
inspect them.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
If you wish.
                                                            
During this exchange, they move closer, within kissing
distance, into one another's arms.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You know we're about to cross a
line.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm up for it. You?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Only if you don't kiss me and
forget about it tomorrow.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Why would I do that?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You already did.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Not true. I'd never forget a kiss
from such a beautiful woman.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
You calling me a liar?
                                                            

75.

                       TYLER
Maybe. But then, maybe I'm just
forgetful.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Maybe you are.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'm what?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Forgetful.
                                                            
                       TYLER
About what?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I forget.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Perhaps you could remind me.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
And how would I do that?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I have a few ideas.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Oh really?
                                                            
They're about to kiss. He stops and pushes away.
                                                            
                       TYLER
One second.
                                                            
He takes out his cell phone, looks at it for a second, turns
it off, and throws it into a pile of hay.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Be right back.
                                                            
She runs and closes the barn door. They return to one
another's arms, very close.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Wait. What about the kid?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Leo. Go to bed.
                                                            
He whinnies in response. They smile and kiss romantically,
holding it for several seconds.
                                                            

76.

                       SHEILA
Wow.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'll second that. You serious
abou the mare?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       TYLER
I'll tell Leo after the game. No
reason to make him anxious.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
He'll be proud, I'm sure. So, you
never answered my question.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Sure I'll date you.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Wrong question. Are you nervous?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh, that question.
      (beat)
Not anymore.
                                                            
They both smile.
                                                            
 
EXT. PASTURE - DAY
                                                            
Simon, Stephanie, Christopher, Nigel, Lonnie, and Little Mac
stand on the sidelines. Robin and Sheila go from horse to
horse checking wraps and such. Other teammates stand
around. Tyler leads Leopold onto the sideline.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Hello boss. Pass the horse off to
your girlfriend.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Sure.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
No objections? About time.
                                                            
Tyler walks Leopold to Sheila.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Howdy. Not a word, right?
                                                            

77.

He gives her the horse's reins.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Yeah. I'll tell him later. Seems
our opponents are arriving.
                                                            
Max's team files in on horseback. Winston, Cynthia,
Bernard, Felix, Sterling, and Oxtal are with him. David
walks beside them, talking into his cell phone, which is
heavily held together with tape.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
And then we'll be needing banners,
too. Big banners with me on them.
Something with flair. Know what
I'm saying?
                                                            
He walks to the sidelines.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
      (to Max)
I still say it's preposterous.
Unnatural. Unethical.
                                                            
                       MAX
Just one game, my friend. Then
you'll no longer have to be
offended.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
I still say it's wrong.
                                                            
The team takes the field and starts to practice. Max and
Oxtal move toward Tyler. Simon stands nearby.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Max)
Issues with your teammate?
                                                            
                       MAX
Not at all. Just having a
discussion with the good doctor.
Being a purist, he is deeply
offended by the idea of
left-handed players on the field.
But we've been playing together
for twenty years and he's like my
right hand.
                                                            
He laughs deeply.
                                                            

78.

                       TYLER
So you're saying that you don't
have a problem?
                                                            
                       MAX
Of course not. I'm much more open
minded. You might even call me
progressive.
                                                            
Oxtal moves forward, smiling warmly and speaking in
Pakistani with subtitles.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
I look forward to crushing your
seed on the field. After this
game, your descendants will be
ashamed to show their faces.
                                                            
Tyler smiles back. Simon moves forward, listening closely.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Oxtal)
Good luck to you, too.
                                                            
Simon speaks in Pakistani, with subtitles.
                                                            
                       SIMON
      (to Oxtal, in
       Pakistani)
On the field, rabid cur, so that I
may make your mother wish you were
never born.
                                                            
Oxtal smiles and rides away. Max waves to Tyler and does
likewise.
                                                            
                       TYLER
He's a nice guy. What'd you say
to him?
                                                            
                       SIMON
Not important. We're both
Pakistani. Rival tribes.
Traditionally, instead of waging
war, our peoples play polo.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Nothing wrong with that.
                                                            
                       SIMON
You don't understand. We're
bonded by blood to hate one
another. The game is a war. Many
            (MORE)

79.

                       SIMON (cont'd)
are horribly maimed. It's
routine. No doubt that's the type
of game he has in mind.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Well, please try to contain
yourself. Looks like the umps are
here.
                                                            
Max Sr. And Spencer ride onto the field; Spencer dressed as
an umpire, Max Sr. As a referee. Max goes ballistic.
                                                            
                       MAX
Like hell. You're not
officiating.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Silence, junior. I taught you
this game and used to play with
Spencer when he worked for me.
                                                            
                       MAX
But you're not impartial.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Do you question my honor, boy?
                                                            
                       MAX
No daddy.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
In matters of my company, I'll do
as I please.
                                                            
                       SPENCER
      (to Max Sr.)
We still need a third official.
                                                            
                       MAX
Daddy, the judge is very fair.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Son, I've heard all I want to from
you. Now get to your side of the
field.
                                                            
                       MAX
Yes sir.
                                                            
                       MAX
      (to Tyler)
You're dead.
                                                            

80.

                       MAX SR.
      (Shouting from
       afar)
What was that boy?
                                                            
                       MAX
      (shouting)
Nothing daddy.
                                                            
Max Sr. Rides over to Little Mac with an umpire's shirt in
hand.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Not playing?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Just watching, grandpa.
                                                            
He tosses him the shirt.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Serious?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
No. The shirt's just a souvenir.
What do you think?
                                                            
Max Sr. gets off his horse.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Take mine. I'm refereeing.
                                                            
Little Mac puts on the shirt and hops on the horse. Max
watches the exchange and appears on the verge of tears.
                                                            
                       MAX
      (to self)
My boy. My old man. My man
servant. All traitors.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
I own several man servants.
                                                            
                       MAX
I know what you mean. They're
dead. All dead.
                                                            
Max Sr. Stands at the middle of the field and shouts to both
teams.
                                                            

81.

                       MAX SR.
I'll be keeping score. Get your
first teams out on the field.
                                                            
The two teams get in line, 1-4. One line features Sterling
(1), Winston (2), Max (3), and Felix (4). The other
consists of Brian (1), Christopher (2), Tyler (3), and
Brenda (4). (numbers after names coincide with the position
they play and their order in line). Tyler and Max are side
by side.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Max)
Where's your eighth?
                                                            
                       MAX
You think I trust any of these
games enough to not be involved as
a player?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
On your marks.
                                                            
The two lines face the center of the field. Little Mac
holds the ball in hand. He throws it hard between the two
lines. Some scramble to defensive positions while others
try to get the ball. Tyler comes out with possession and
hits the ball to Christopher, who in turn passes it to
Brian, who easily hits it into the goal.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
Nice shot.
                                                            
                       MAX
Pure luck.
                                                            
Max's team brings the ball up. Christopher disrupts their
passing and hits the ball in from a distance. Herman's on
the sidelines in hot shorts and holding pom-poms.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
Ride that horse, you sexy stud!!!
                                                            
He does a little dance. Christopher is embarrassed. Max
brings the ball in again and hits it to a streaking Felix
who easily hits it past Brenda for a goal. Tyler brings the
ball back up and hits it to Christopher. Herman's now taken
his shirt off and has the words 'I love Christopher's ass'
painted on his pale chest. Christopher sees this out of the
corner of his eye and loses the ball. Max takes it back and
passes to Winston, who hits a long goal. Tyler feeds Brian,
who scores. Tyler passes to Christopher, who scores. Max
feeds a streaking Winston, who scores. With the score tied,

82.

the ball gets away from the teams. Tyler and Max both ride
toward it. Instead of going for the ball, Max sends his
horse toward Leopold. Tyler has to pull back from his
charge to keep from colliding. Felix swoops in and sends
the ball to Sterling who easily hits it in. Max rides by
Tyler.
                                                            
                       MAX
That's one for us, right?
                                                            
He laughs as he rides to his team. Simon approaches Tyler.
                                                            
                       SIMON
We'll get 'em for ya'.
                                                            
On the sideline, David wrinkles his nose at the horses and
speaks into his cell phone.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
Maybe we could get rid of the
horses. Just do the game on
bicycle. Well, I'll look into it.
                                                            
Lonnie (1), Stephanie (2), Simon (3), and Nigel (4) take the
field and get in line beside Cynthia (1), Oxtal (2), Max
(3), and Bernard (4).
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
      (to Oxtal)
Hi. Good luck.
                                                            
He looks at her, smiling, and growls menacingly. She looks
away, quickly.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Hey dear. Don't mind him. He's
just a dog that hasn't been fed.
You look wonderful. Have I told
you that?
                                                            
Spencer rolls the ball between the teams and play begins.
Simon controls the ball and passes it to Stephanie, who
scores. Max passes to Cynthia. Nigel steals and passes to
Simon, who feeds Stephanie, who scores again. Bernard moves
the ball and passes to Max, who tries to pass the ball to
Oxtal. Stephanie intercepts and passes to Lonnie, who
scores. Max glances at Oxtal, who nods. Max passes to
Oxtal, who rides in the general direction of Stephanie, then
appears to lose control of the ball as it rolls beyond his
reach. Stephanie charges the ball and Oxtal charges at
Stephanie and swings his mallet at her horse's front legs.
It stops and bucks backwards. The mallet misses, but

83.

Stephanie pitches to the ground. Oxtal grabs the ball and
puts it in the goal. Stephanie doesn't move.
                                                            
                       SIMON
My love!
                                                            
Robin and Sheila start to run to her, then stop as Oxtal
blurs by in Stephanie's direction. Simon follows, standing
on his horse's back. He catches up to Oxtal and leaps with
mallet in hand. He wraps it around Oxtal's throat and yanks
him off his horse. The two fall to the ground and rise
quickly, each with a mallet in hand.
                                                            
                       SPENCER
      (to Max Sr.)
What should we do?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Let 'em duke it out. Just like
the old days.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Grandpa!
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Hush, son. This is a learning
experience.
                                                            
Tyler approaches.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Are you guys going to do anything?
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Dammit. Everybody needs to get
involved. Macky, go break 'em up.
Each gets a warning. Any more
shenanigans and they're ejected.
                                                            
Little Mac rides to the two. Simon stands over Oxtal with
mallet in hand. Little Mac gently nudges his horse between
them. Simon glares at him.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Stephanie.
                                                            
Simon immediately tosses his mallet aside and runs to
Stephanie's side. She's awake. Winston and Robin are both
seeing to her. Sheila is also by her side.
                                                            
                       SIMON
How is she?
                                                            

84.

                       ROBIN
I think she'll be fine. Just a
little shaken.
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
Where's my mount?
                                                            
                       SIMON
Are you sure?
                                                            
                       STEPHANIE
I was just tossed from a horse.
Traditional advice on the
situation aside, I'm going to
play. We have a game to win.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
In my assessment, she seems
alright to play, based upon what I
can do out here.
                                                            
Sheila has brought her horse. She gets on and rides away,
leaving Winston and Simon.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
That man's insane. He doesn't
belong on the field. I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       SIMON
I'm glad somebody on your team
feels that way, doctor.
                                                            
Simon gets on his horse and rejoins the game. Play resumes
and Simon quickly feeds Lonnie, who puts in a goal. Max
brings the ball back up and passes to Oxtal. Stephanie
steals and puts in the ball for the goal and win.
                                                            
                       MAX SR.
Game.
                                                            
Max moves back to his team.
                                                            
                       MAX
Senator, take a seat. We'll
finish them with Oxtal, myself,
the doctor, and Bernard.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
Count me out.
                                                            
                       MAX
Like hell. You're in.
                                                            

85.

                       WINSTON
That man is a menace on the field.
                                                            
                       MAX
I believe you're mistaken. You
just saw that unfortunate mishap
from an entirely unfair angle. If
you were in the heat of
competition, you would have viewed
it correctly as he was a little
over zealous in pursuit of the
ball.
                                                            
                       OXTAL
      (in Pakistani)
I was three seconds from sending
her demise.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
I know what I saw and I'm done.
                                                            
                       MAX
Fine. If that's how it is, the
judge will play in your stead.
                                                            
                       FELIX
I'm with the doc. That was dirty.
                                                            
                       MAX
You too? Traitors all. Sterling.
I have a thousand reasons why you
might like to play.
                                                            
                       STERLING
I'll go.
                                                            
The four take the field, lining up beside Simon, Nigel,
Tyler, and Lonnie.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to Max)
Class act there by your ringer.
                                                            
                       MAX
History is remembered by the
winners. You'd do well to take
note of that.
                                                            
The ball is rolled and play starts. The two teams are
evenly matched. Max passes to Oxtal, who beats Simon for a
goal. Tyler passes to Simon who outruns Oxtal for a goal.
Nigel intercepts a pass and fires it the length of the field
for a goal. Simon tries to advance the ball. Oxtal steals

86.

and takes the ball in himself for a goal. Max steals from
Tyler and passes to Sterling, who scores.
                                                            
                       MAX
      (to his team)
One more for the game.
                                                            
Simon steals and passes to Lonnie, who scores. Max brings
the ball up the field. Tyler steals and passes to Simon,
who passes to Lonnie, who scores to tie the game.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (to all)
Match point.
                                                            
Max passes to Oxtal. Simon disrupts the pass and the ball
squirts out. Tyler gains control and moves toward the goal.
There is nobody between him and the goal and the only
defender nearby is Max, who rides on Tyler's right side and
can't reach the ball. The two are neck in neck as Tyler
moves toward a certain goal. Max moves a head a little bit
and sends his mallet up and around, crashing into Leopold's
front right leg/knee. The leg shatters under the horse,
sending Tyler sailing over. He hits hard, delirious. He
holds his head, blood pouring from his nose. Nigel is quick
to reach his side.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Hey boss. You okay there?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Where? Huh?
                                                            
Winston, Robin, and Sheila have reached his side. Max has
taken the ball the other way and scores, uncontested. He
celebrates alone with David. Simon, Christopher, and
Stephanie see to Leopold.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
      (to Christopher)
You lost. Let's go.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Shut up Herm.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
      (to Tyler)
Stay down, son. You had a bit of
a tumble. Do you know where you
are?
                                                            

87.

                       TYLER
Of course I do. I'm on the
ground.
                                                            
Robin looks at Leopold.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Oh, my God.
                                                            
Sheila runs from Tyler's side to be with Leopold.
                                                            
                       WINSTON
Do you know how you got there?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I was on Leo's back and. And.
And.
                                                            
He looks around madly and sees a crowd surrounding Leopold.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (shouting)
Leo!
                                                            
He rushes away from the doctor and cradles Leopold's head.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Leo, oh Leo. What'd he do to you?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
      (softly, to Robin)
Have you ever seen one this bad?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
None that lived. I'll call a vet.
You console him and we'll get the
horse into the barn. Might as
well try to make it comfortable.
                                                            
 
INT. BARN - DAY
                                                            
Sheila and Tyler sit outside a stall, holding one another
and waiting. The rest of the team is absent in lieu of
their grim business. The veterinarian exits the stall with
Robin.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
Thank you doctor.
                                                            
The veterinarian waits while Robin speaks.
                                                            

88.

                       TYLER
How long is he going to be off his
feet?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
I wish I could answer that. The
bone is pulverized. He counted
about thirty separate breaks by
hand.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh God.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
There's only one humane decision,
Tyler.
                                                            
He starts to break down. Sheila comforts him.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
      (to Sheila)
We'll give you two some time on
this one.
                                                            
Robin and the veterinarian leave.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Do you want some time alone with
him?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Please. Would you wait for me out
here?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Of course.
                                                            
He enters the stall. Leopold lies on the ground.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (in a Peter Lorre
       imitation)
Oh Leopold. What are we going to
do?
                                                            
He stops the imitation.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh my, boy. This is hard stuff.
He got you good. You were awesome
out there. No nag here. Definite
thoroughbred stock. You played
like a champ all the way, boy. Oh
God, how am I going to do this?
            (MORE)

89.

                       TYLER (cont'd)
You're my friend. I can't do
this, but I have to. You're a
horse. You need your legs. It's
nature. It's a fact. If it
helps, we won. Oh, he scored the
final goal, but the old guy
disqualified their team. That
shows them, I guess. But, you
know, I'd give it all up for your
leg. I'd do without the league,
the firm, my left hand, Sheila.
      (beat)
Okay, you got me. I love her. You
know that, though, right? I guess
I have to draw the line somewhere.
But short of her, I'd sacrifice
it all if I could. I was waiting
until after the game, but you're
going to be a daddy. How about
that? I guess it's a little late
to have the birds and bees talk
with you, but you're going to have
a little baby soon. A little Leo
running around. I'll be sure to
let him know how great his dad
was. I'll never cease to tell
him. Sleep boy. The nice man's
going to come in a bit and then
the pain will be over. You be
nice to him now. You be good.
                                                            
He gives the horse a kiss and then starts to break down.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Be good boy.
                                                            
He leaves the stall and falls into Sheila's arms, crying.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
It's okay. It's okay.
                                                            
They leave together.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
One year later. A crowd, including Christopher, Sheila,
Brian, Nigel, Lonnie, Robin, Tyler, Little Mac, Brenda, and
Herman is gathered by the doors. Simon and Stephanie exit,
dressed as bride and groom. The crowd tosses rice on them.
They run to a waiting limousine and get in. The car speeds
off.
                                                            

90.

                       BRIAN
Now that was pretty. Very
romantic. I just wish the wife
could have been here to see it.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
You know, I've heard about her for
a bit now and have yet to meet
her.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah. I'm beginning to wonder if
she actually exists.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
No, no. She exists. Who do you
think has the dogs today? She
just doesn't do well with a crowd.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Well she's gonna miss out on a
right to do. I guess it's
supposed to be a big reception.
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Yeah. Grandpa knows how to throw
'em. He's kind of a softy like
that. Very sentimental.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Where is the old guy now, anyway?
                                                            
                       LITTLE MAC
Probably at the hall. Either
tending bar or manning the music.
                                                            
                       NIGEL
Truly a man of many faces.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
And tonight we see him as a party
animal.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
      (to Robin)
You heading to the hall?
                                                            
                       ROBIN
I think I'll turn in early
tonight.
                                                            

91.

                       BRIAN
Come on. Everybody enjoys
receptions. There's the toasts,
the cake, the food, and the
dancing. Dollar dances,
hokey-pokey.
                                                            
                       ROBIN
For such festivities, I shall have
to bid you a good evening.
                                                            
He walks off.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
That's a truly odd bird.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
You can say that again.
                                                            
Herman and Christopher walk away from the church. Herman's
been crying. He dabs at his eyes with a handkerchief.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
What a wonderful service.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Yes. It was quite nice.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
It was more than just nice. It
was elegant, luxurious, and regal.
That was beautiful, Christopher.
It was lovely and romantic. Why
don't you ever do anything like
that for me? So little effort to
tell me that I'm special and that
you love me. Why don't you ever
do something romantic for me?
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
I guess I could.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
I'm leaving you, Christopher.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Really?
                                                            
Christopher actually is excited and it shows to everybody
but Herman.
                                                            

92.

                       HERMAN
I found a man who is everything
you're not. He treats me like a
queen. He's back from abroad.
We're going around the world.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Good. I wish you the best. Please
go.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
Quit trying to talk me out of it.
My mind is made up.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
I wouldn't dream of it. Now
please, go.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
Have it your way. Just know that
your groveling sounds pathetic.
                                                            
A car pulls up and honks.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
Now, I leave. Don't expect any
goodbye kisses. A clean break is
best.
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Of course not. Bye.
                                                            
                       HERMAN
You're like a lost puppy.
                                                            
The driver's window rolls down. David is behind the wheel
with a cell phone to his ear.
                                                            
                       DAVID
      (into phone)
I'm only back to pick up the
girlfriend. Then back home.
Flight leaves at three in the
morning. One sec.
      (to Herman)
Woman, when I honk, you get in the
car.
      (into phone)
I don't know. I think it's in
South America. Maybe Asia.
                                                            

93.

                       HERMAN
I'm coming dear. My manly man. My
strong man.
                                                            
Max leans forward from the back seat.
                                                            
                       MAX
It's in Africa.
                                                            
                       DAVID
Africa? You sure?
                                                            
                       MAX
Positive.
                                                            
Herman gets in and the car pulls away. Lonnie approaches
Christopher.
                                                            
                       LONNIE
We're carpooling to the reception.
Want to ride along?
                                                            
                       CHRISTOPHER
Yeah. Yeah, I do. Hey, tell me a
little about this whole
heterosexuality thing.
                                                            
Sheila and Tyler wave as the limo pulls away. They walk
away from the crowd.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
So cute.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Indeed.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Do you think people think we're
cute?
                                                            
                       TYLER
Ask me later.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Ask you what later?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I forget.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Oh, could you swing by the farm
tonight?
                                                            

<
94.

                       TYLER
But won't people talk?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Of course they will We don't want
to fall off the front page, do we?
                                                            
                       TYLER
I guess not.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
Besides, it's your son.
                                                            
                       TYLER
      (in a Peter Lorre
       imitation)
Leopold? What did you do to my
little Leo junior?
                                                            
                       SHEILA
I did nothing. it was the thunder
that spooked him a bit. He was
acting a skitterish this morning.
                                                            
                       TYLER
Oh. Well, he does take after his
mother.
                                                            
                       SHEILA
That's a horrible thing to say.