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THE SECOND COMING J2010
by vito jennette (tf3411@yahoo.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
Welcome to Hell Jesus...Hell, Michigan is about to discover the adventures and confessions of God’s only, and first cloned son... The Second Coming: Peter Simon and Michael Reese, archeologists for the Catholic Church, make a shocking discovery deep in the Syrian Desert, La Sacra Sin done, The Holy Shroud, locked in a medieval snuff box. The cloth was believed to be the wrappings that covered Jesus in his tomb after his crucifixion. After several hours of careful consideration, they return the shroud home to America, where they discover a stain, containing DNA from biblical times. After seeking guidance, from a quirky, strange priest, of the local Catholic church, they clone the DNA in their lab, but there is a coffee spill during the cloning process, resulting in the boy's skin turning black, no cream, no sugar. They raise Jes never telling anyone of his secret, with the agreement that the child be raised under the supervision of Father Tymes in the confines of the church, and under the conditions no one tells the boy his true identity until they are sure he is indeed Jesus H. Christ. This hilarious comedy written by Vito Jennette & Jason DiMare takes a light look into the possibility of resurrecting Christ through DNA. Crucifixion by Titty Twister, Wet Willies, Indian Burns, Wedgie, Feather Tickling with a single red feather plucked from the Devils Wings. Head Ninja Nun Sister Mother Nature Father Tymes Black Muslim- shank Arabic Muslim - Suicide bomber Buddhist Sumo Jewish star throwing Rabbi Jeans & T-Shirt Jehovah Witness Ninja Nuns- with nun chucks Mexican Cardinal (The Mexicutioner)- Rosary Whip Peter Michael Bart John James Faith- love interest Blind Man- cured vision Marion-Prostitute Maggy-Prostitute R. Lon Blubbard - Wacky Scientology leader Homeless Disciples that follow Jes for free wine Simon Slyde & Glyde Ty Matthew Phillip Luke Past Jesus Judge Larry Bone - In court for prostitution, Identity Fraud, Bootlegging Alcohol, Distribution of Alcohol to minors, and Possession of marijuana. Last Supper at Chuck-E-Cheese Holy War! Judgment Day! Burning Bush! Walk on water- almost drown Heal a wounded dog-killing it Turn water into wine - arrested, and followed by homeless wino's / disciples for a taste VERY ORIGINAL SCRIPT!


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. SYRIAN DESSERT - MID - DAY
                                                            
HOT SUN overhead in a BIG SKY -

Entrench in the fractured dusk are the moderately-exposed
fossilized remains of Dinosaurs. A major excavation filled
with workers deep beneath the sand are shoveling bones into
trash cans to make room for whatever it is they're looking
for.

Watching down closely on the center of all this activity is
one man.
PETER SIMON (mid 30's) a stalky man, is running with
excitement toward a group of ARAB MEN deep within the dig,
yelling back at them.

Peter is dressed in a brown limp leather jacket, a beaten
brown Fedora Indiana Jones style hat with a bullwhip
attached to his hip.
                                                            
Under a tent sitting on a lawn chair drinking coffee with
the locals could only be one man.

MICHAEL REESE(30)Dressed in a pair of blue jeans, a jean
shirt, and jean jacket. A single bead of sweat escapes from
his bald sun burned head rolling down to, then slowly
escaping through his thick, sponge like, soaking wet Magnum
P.I. Mustache to his fresh freckled faced young feverish red
cheeks.

Michael wipes away the sweat with a hanker chief he pulls
from his shirt pocket.
                                                            
 
INT. DIG SITE - DAY
                                                            
PURE ADRENALINE RACING THROUGH HIS VEINS Peter scrambles
down the dirt and gravel hole sliding down to the bottom dig
site.
                                                            
                       PETER
MIKE! MIKE! MIKE! Get down here
BOSS! I found something!
                                                            
 
EXT. / INT. SYRIAN DESSERT DIG SITE - DAY
                                                            
Michael still staring curiously takes a sip from his coffee
cup.
                                                            

2.

                       MICHAEL
What is it Peter?
                                                            
Peter drops to his knees cups his hands, and begins digging
with both hands like a dog.
                                                            
                       PETER
Just get down here sir! You're not
going to believe this!
                                                            
Michael runs toward the dig, dropping his coffee onto the
sand. He slides down the loose gravel into the dusty hole.
                                                            
 
INT. DIG SITE - DAY
                                                            
He bends down to assist Peter who is holding a solid gold
box covered with diamonds, rubies, and other exotic stones.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
It's beautiful! What do you think
it is?
                                                            
                       PETER
It's a snuffbox, that kings would
use to hold tobacco, candies,
cosmetics, and toothpicks. Usually
given as gifts to royalty.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Let me help you.
                                                            
Peter hands Michael the box.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Lets see what we have here. If it
is a snuffbox then it must open.
                                                            
Michael studies the box. His eyes begin to widen. These are
not the eyes of a man who just made a giant breakthrough but
the eyes of a man who in visions the pot of gold at the end
of the rainbow. He flips a loose stone to the side,
discovering a hidden switch. He flips the latch open and
with a cloud of dust. AN ORANGE GLOW FILLS THE HOLE!

The box opens revealing a GIANT BRIGHT RED FEATHER and a
cloth sack tied with a leather string.
                                                            
                       PETER
Amazing! Well go ahead Boss open
it.
                                                            
Michael pulls the leather string, opening the cloth sack.
                                                            

3.

                       MICHAEL
WOW! Those are the most beautiful
radiant green Emeralds I've ever
seen. Lets get 'em back to the
trailer!
                                                            
Michael wraps the cloth back around the stones, retying the
leather string and placing the sack back into the golden
box.
                                                            
                       PETER
I wonder how old it is and who it
belonged to?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Looks pretty old to me. (mumbles
under breath) And very high
priced.
                                                            
Peter pulls a cigar from his hat placing it in his mouth,
chewing on it.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
I'd have to say at least middle
ages.
                                                            
                       PETER
Well when we get that answer we
can start to determine who it
belongs to.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Lets call it a wrap huh? I think
its time to get back, take it to
the lab for a C-14 Carbon age
dating test.
                                                            
Michael stands up.
                                                            
                       PETER
Great idea. I can't wait to get
home to a good meal, long shower,
and warm bed.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Alright, gather up the crew and
lets get back state side.
                                                            
                       PETER
I'm on it.
                                                            
Michael helps Peter back up the hill and out of the hole.
                                                            

4.

                       MICHAEL
And Pete, good job today.
                                                            
Michael helps Peter up the hole.
                                                            
 
EXT. HELL, MICHIGAN - DAY
                                                            
CLOSE ON A SIGN - It reads "WELCOME TO HELL MICHIGAN, HOME
OF THE RED DEVILS." PAN DOWN the hill to Natas Scientific
Enterprises.
                                                            
 
INT. NATAS LAB - DARK - DAY
                                                            
The lab is dimly lit, there are paper's cluttered
everywhere. Flickering lights on machinery all around Peter
who is feverishly clicking away at his keyboard while his
face is glued to his monitor. Peter is carefully scraping
samples of whatever the stain on the sack cloth is onto his
slide. Peter puts a drop of solution on the slide, then a
slide cover on it, and places the slide on the microscope
and begins studying it.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Any new information on the Box
yet?
                                                            
                       PETER
First ones are coming in from the
Radio Carbon testing now.
                                                            
The computer monitors all around them are showing various
flashing images and illustrations. Peter chewing on a cigar
spins his chair around snatching the freshly printed results
from the devices tray.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
What do we have?
                                                            
                       PETER
Interesting. I have three
different time periods here?
                                                            
Michael takes a sip from his coffee cup, placing it back
onto the computer desk while staring hard at Peter waiting
on the results.
                                                            
Peter suddenly looks up with a surprised expression on his
face. His cigar goes falling to the floor, he covers his
open mouth with his hand.
                                                            

5.

                       PETER
Looks like the Box is dated around
1500AD, the Emeralds are dated
back around 400AD and a stain
hidden underneath the Emeralds on
the cloth sack dates back around
22-33AD. Which means this thing
was long protected and buried many
years after the cloth itself was
made? I think the Jewels and the
box were just camouflaging the
true find. The blood stain on the
cloth that was made to look like a
sack.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
A stain from Biblical times?
                                                            
Peter is double checking his numbers on his printout.
                                                            
                       PETER
If the results are accurate and
our calculations are correct, we
may have stumbled across the
Greatest Discovery in the history
of mankind!
                                                            
Peter with a hitch of confidence in his step starts to pimp
limp out of the lab. Michael follows. A priest and a nun
meet them at the door blocking the exit. FATHER TYMES is a
middle aged man, with disturbing eyes and a smile of
perversion. He grabs the documents out of Peter's hand, then
studies them carefully in astonishment.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
The Holy Shroud of Turin.
                                                            
Peter hands Tymes the snuff box. HEAD NUN SISTER MOTHER
NATURE wearing a black cloak over her white habit. HALF
NINJA - HALF NUN clothing, age unknown, face covered with a
ninja mask and hood. Tymes looks into her mysterious eyes
with approval handing her the test results.
She pulls a blank check from her black cloak offering it to
Tymes. Michael reaches for the check. With lightning speed
she quickly pulls a yard stick strapped to her back in a
sword holder POPPING him on the top of the hand like a
Samurai! Michael drops to his knees holding his hand in
pain. She hands the check to Tymes who then hands it to
Peter. The good Father and Nun exit the room with the red
feather, exotic stones, and snuff box in hand.
                                                            
 

6.

INT. NATAS LAB - DARK - NIGHT
                                                            
The lab is dark, lit only by twinkling flashes of lights
coming from computers frantically trying to keep up with
processing jobs queued up in their giant machinery.

Peter is typing away on his lap top, wiping sweat from his
forehead. The Head Nun hovering in the shadows looking on
from behind as Michael checks data shooting out from a
futuristic starship escape pod that resembles a giant
microwave oven with a small glass window covered with
spinning green foggy smoke. Michael gets up and hobbles to
the device. THE FLOOR RUMBLES BENEATH HIS FEET! While
defogging the window with his shirt, he looks intently
inside trying to get a great view of the upcoming climax.

The head nun disappears with the flickering of the light.

Peter gets up in a rush so he doesn't miss the events to
follow. His elbow hits his cup of coffee as he high tails
out of his chair.

The coffee spills on a main brain of the computer.
Sparks begin to fly! Peter looks back at the machine which
is now steaming as he slowly scrambles in his retreat. BLACK
SMOKE IS NOW RISING INSIDE THE WINDOW FILLING THE CAPSULE!
A low HUM permeates the lab. The monitors of an adjacent
bank of computers flashing formulas and data.

SUDDENLY, the computer comes to a screeching halt and stops
in mid spin, sending components flying in all directions.
Michael and Peter hit the deck. Peter lands next to his
coffee cup, he realizes what happened. He grabs the cup
throwing it in the trash without Michael's knowledge. LIGHTS
SHATTER AROUND THE ROOM. Michael makes his way back up to
his feet lunging toward the tank pulling open the capsule
doors.
IT HISSES OPEN!

AFTER A SHORT TIME -
In (what was) the isolation tank, The freezing cold brown
fog like smoke settles and a thick, liquid, fat brown cloud
rolls out and oozes down toward the floor. The vapor has a
bizarre placenta like property, as it moves past a row of
storage cabinets, onto Peter and Michael's feet, and as it
does, we see...A BABY?

A ALARM BEGINS TO SOUND!
                                                            
 
INT. DAMNATION DEVILS HIGH SCHOOL - LUNCH ROOM - DAY
                                                            
TITLE; - HELL, MICHIGAN - 18 YEARS LATER
                                                            

7.

It's a typical lunchroom, kids everywhere, separated into
groups, geeks, popular kids, jocks, nerds, gangsters, thugs,
athletes, cheerleaders, and burnouts all eating lunch
together without actually eating together. The lunchroom is
extremely loud kids all speaking with their mouths full,
yelling over one another telling stories and laughing.

JES SHEPHERD (18) is wearing stone washed jeans, and a
"Black Sabbath" T-Shirt. He's a Short, overweight kid, with
a dark very extreme hi-top fade hairstyle, and striking
brown eyes. He digs into his deviled chicken, and angel hair
pasta lunch while chatting it up with his friend's JAMES
REDSY (18) A extremely tall good looking kid with a custom
"VANILLA ICE" "Anvil with stripes" hairstyle. He is sporting
a "D.A.R.E. to keep kids off drugs" T-shirt. BART LACROSS
(17) Has very vivid strawberry wild "GENE WILDER" curly
hair, large expressive eyes, slight lisp, and nervous
mannerism, dressed in a "MTV" shirt. Bart is enjoying his
lunch along side of his fraternal twin brother JOHN LACROSS
(17) Dark, wet,"KURT CAMERON" jerry curled hair. Is dressed
in a Run DMC T-shirt.

DIABLO TACKETT,(19 1/2) A rather tall, barbarian looking
young man, with a huge frame, and a "RICK WILDTHING VAUGHN"
hairdo. He is wearing a bright yellow and red "Hulkamania"
Sleeveless Shirt. He is headed straight for Bart with a
expression of pure hatred and a grin that says trouble. He
is desired, plagiarized, and feared by all.

He grabs one of Bart's orange slices putting it in his mouth
covering his top teeth then smiling like he has in a gold
grill. He then spits the peal into Bart's mashed potatoes
and casually walks away laughing.

The rest of the cafeteria burst out in laughter pointing at
Bart.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Who got whacked and made him boss?
                                                            
Bart shrugs his shoulders and pushes his lunch-tray to the
side. James is playing hacky sack in between isles.
                                                            
                       JES
Boss? That guy's a crinkled
asshole! And I'm gonna put a end
to that dumb shit one day.
                                                            
                       BART
      (Chuckles)
Tackett is just being himself.
                                                            

8.

                       JES
Bart don't let him get to you.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Did you guys see his girlfriend
Faith today? Her Honkers were
practically hanging out.
                                                            
                       JES
That alone gives him sufficient
reason to be a lunatic.
                                                            
                       BART
Yeah, did you notice her jeans
today?
                                                            
                       JES
Must have missed it, why?
                                                            
                       BART
      (laughing)
A huge ninja boot!
                                                            
                       JOHN
Call Guinness, cause she's
sporting the worlds biggest Moose
knuckles baby!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well, if I were that dude I'd be
more than happy to be her camel
jockey.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Better not get too close though, I
heard that camel spits.
                                                            
James stops pumping up his shoes and reaches for a french
fry from Jes' lunch, dipping it in ketchup then taking a
bite.
                                                            
                       JES
They aren't actually spitting --
(Smiles) .
                                                            
                       JAMES
What?!
                                                            
                       JES
It's more like throwing up, They
bring up the contents from their
stomachs with spit and project it
out as a defense mechanism.
                                                            

9.

John looks at Jes with disgust written all over his face.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Why would you even know that shit?
                                                            
John is making a paper airplane.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (chuckles)
Camel toe is more like an art
form. Think of it as a giant fish
taco you could get lost in.
                                                            
James points over to Faith's table where she sits with all
her cheerleader friends.

THEIR POV

A sexy table of cheerleaders, are eating corn-dogs and "Bill
Cosby" Jell-O Pudding Pops. Wearing extremely short skirts
and revealing tops. One with a side pony tail catches them
staring.
She blows a kiss at James then giggles. James nods and
winks.
Tackett steps in front of their view giving James a
threatening look. The group looks away.

Tackett loads a cassette tape in his 1980's style Silver
Ghetto Blaster Boom Box.

Loud sounds of Led Zeppelin and students singing "Stairway
to Heaven" can be heard.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Besides those cheerleaders over
there have VADGIES under those
skirts--
                                                            
John throws the paper airplane hitting a grouchy looking
woman (60's) with a mustache in a hair net, who's just as
scary as the unidentifiable food she's serving.
                                                            
                       BART
Vadgies?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Vagina wedgies dumb ass.
                                                            
                       JES
      (Talking to Bart)
You should have known it would be
something like that.
                                                            

10.

                       BART
Should have. (laughs)
                                                            
                       JAMES
The two of you wouldn't know what
to do with a woman of Faith's
cultivated beauty if you had a
chance.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Tell us younger brother, you're
the ladies man. What would you do?
                                                            
James brushes his fingers through his long hair with a huge
smile. Puts his foot up on a chair.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Glad you asked Mr.Maturity. I sure
as hell wouldn't take her to the
"Reagle Beagle" for romancin' and
dancin' like your lame ass. Where
later those two cock blockers
could meet up with ya' at the
"Blue Oyster" for apple martini's.
                                                            
                       JES
You got everything figured out
don't you James?
                                                            
                       JAMES
I know enough...enough to know you
guys care more about The
Incredible Hulk's homo twin
brother than a little punetang!
                                                            
                       BART
The Hulk never had a twin brother?
                                                            
                       JES
He's talking about Shrek (sighs)
He thinks they are twin brothers
seperated at birth...Don't ask.
                                                            
                       JOHN
What about The Green Lantern and
the The Green Goblin they twins
too?
                                                            
                       BART
Gumby and The Grinch.
                                                            
James begins to get visibly angry.
                                                            

11.

                       JES
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
and Kermit the Frog.
                                                            
                       BART
Oscar the Grouch and Jiminy
Crickett.
                                                            
                       JES
Maybe Yoda is there long lost
father James.
                                                            
                       JOHN
One eyed Mike from Monsters Inc.
and the Green M&M are they kin
too? (chuckles)
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (Screams)
WHAT ARE YOU A COUPLE OF FUCKING
RETARDS! WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT PUSSY
HERE!
                                                            
Jes extends his arm reaching for his drink chuckling.

.
                                                            
                       JES
Just pass me my water james.
                                                            
Jes twist the cap opening his water, he puts the bottle to
his lips taking a sip. He sneezes, wipes his nose on his
sleeve and takes another drink.
Then without notice SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENS to the water.

Suddenly he spits it out.
                                                            
                       JES
What the hell?
                                                            
                       JOHN
Whats wrong with it?
                                                            
Jes raises the water bottle up, examining it in the light.
                                                            
                       JES
It taste like...
                                                            
                       JAMES
jism?
                                                            
                       JES
No...like wine?
                                                            

12.

                       BART
It's even red like wine.
                                                            
                       JOHN
What? BullShit!
                                                            
Jes takes another drink.
                                                            
                       JES
Nope, it's wine for sure guys.
                                                            
James snatches the wine from Jes' hand putting it to his
nose taking a sniff then a sip that turns into a chug.
                                                            
                       JAMES
NO SHIT! Do you guys have any idea
what this means?
                                                            
                       JES
Know what it means? I don't even
know how it happened?
                                                            
                       BART
There has to be a logical,
scientific explanation for this.
                                                            
James reaches behind him to another table and grabs a
unopened bottle of water that belongs to someone else.

James looks at the kid in a threatening way to not say a
word, then turns back around and smiles at Jes pointing at
the table of cheerleaders.
                                                            
                       JOHN
      (Answering James)
It means Lawsuit! We could get
millions!
                                                            
                       JAMES
The question isn't how it
happened. The question is...If you
did do it, can you do it again?
                                                            
James tosses the bottle of water at Jes.
Jes catches it - The water immediately TRANSFORMS FROM CLEAR
TO RED the second it touches Jes' hand.
                                                            
                       BART
WHOA!
                                                            
                       JOHN
Jump Back?
                                                            

13.

                       JES
I don't understand why or how this
is happening?
                                                            
James points at the table of cheerleaders again.
                                                            
                       JAMES
The only thing you need to
understand is, this is a gift from
the heavens! Angels singing,
telling us we have to throw a
party!
                                                            
                       JES
A party? What? Why?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Do I have to spell it out to ya?
It's gods way of speakin' for the
weaklin'! You're a human brewery
and chicks dig wine. It's
sophisticated, and classy! The
ultimate panty dropper!
                                                            
                       BART
No, he's right. All the women in
my moms pinochle club love wine.
                                                            
John stands up and takes a drink of the wine, then puts the
cap back on, spinning it in a circle on the table.
                                                            
                       JES
Bart has the hots for women in
diapers!
                                                            
                       JAMES
That's a no denture adventure
baby!
                                                            
                       JES
Come again?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Women in diapers...you know a
gummer hummer?
                                                            
                       JES
You're sick in the head.
                                                            
Jes points his thumb at James in disgust.
                                                            

14.

                       JOHN
The wine would only increase our
odds of getting some now before
college.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hey speak for your self dork!
                                                            
                       JOHN
Come on Greasy FAT-ASS Wilburn?
                                                            
They all turn to look in the far end of the lunchroom.

Their POV
                                                            
GRACE WILBURN, obese, wearing a too-small student monitor
vest, is sitting at a table by herself shoveling junk food
in her mouth from a "She-Ra: PRINCESS OF POWER" lunch box.
She waves at James. James gives her a nod and a crooked
awkward smile.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You only wish you were diving in
that cum dumpster! Besides, I like
a little meat with my taters!
                                                            
FAITH is Tackett's gold digging HILLBILLY IN HEELS princess
girlfriend, a Pam Anderson wannabe. Big Breast bouncing with
beauty as she parades past, skin tight white jordache jeans
two sizes too small french rolled with a very Giant and
noticable Camel Toe. Faith walks by and Bart eyeballs her
from head to Camel Toe. Her breast are bouncing as she
walks. Her camel toe is humongous but magnificent. John
takes a drink of wine while rubber necking Faith as she
passes.
                                                            
                       BART
I would eat the cottage cheese
made from her breast milk...She is
a goddess!
                                                            
                       FAITH
You wish you little creep!
                                                            
                       JAMES
There goes two more jiggly reasons
why a party is a great idea man!
We load that chick up with wine
and she'll be achin' for a
spankin'!
                                                            

15.

                       JOHN
Jes, didn't you say no one was
going to be at your house tonight?
                                                            
                       JES
Yeah...Why?
                                                            
                       JOHN
Just thought we could invite some
friends over, something small a
few invites.
                                                            
                       BART
We don't have any friends John.
                                                            
James hits Bart in the arm.
                                                            
                       JAMES
We'll have everyone bring their
bibles in case The Padra comes
home early?
                                                            
                       JES
The Bible thing could help just
incase.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Alright I'll make the flyers
mentioning the bibles now.
                                                            
                       BART
Flyers? but..but..
                                                            
John rushes off to make the flyers. James grabs Bart by the
collar, kicks him in the rear, pulling him away from Jes and
out of the lunchroom. Jes stays in his seat touching water
bottles trying to recreate the phenomenon.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS - DAY
                                                            
Jes stands glossy-eyed gazing at nothing trying to make
sence out what has happened to him earlier at lunch. James
and Bart argue their way through to Jes' locker.
                                                            
                       JES
What are you guys fighting about
now?
                                                            
                       BART
D.J. Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh
Prince!
                                                            

16.

Jes shuts the locker door. The three wander the hall on
route to their next class.
                                                            
                       JES
What about them?
                                                            
                       BART
James seems to think Will Smith is
just holding Jazzy Back!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hellz Yeah! Jazzy's the real deal
Holyfield out of the two.
                                                            
                       JES
WHAT? Will is the star of the show
and the singer in the group! How
the hell do you figure?
                                                            
                       JAMES
FIRST OF ALL, THE NAME OF THE
GROUP IS D.J. JAZZY JEFF AND THE
FRESH PRINCE.
                                                            
                       JES
So?
                                                            
                       BART
That don't mean squat!
                                                            
                       JAMES
When the fuck have you ever
watched a movie where they
introduce a supporting actor first
and the main star second?
                                                            
Bart and Jes look at eachother with a puzzled look on their
faces.
                                                            
                       JAMES
NEVER!! It always starts with the
star then they list the supporting
actors. It's the same with t.v.,
radio, and even PORN.
                                                            
                       JES
      (laughing)
That's like saying Kip (Tom Hanks)
from Bosom Buddies will be bigger
than Henry (Peter Scolari)...Just
never gonna happen.
                                                            

17.

                       BART
Right!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Wrong. Give Jazzy five years, no
more than ten. He's gonna explode!
Movies, solo tapes, and number one
hit songs. I wouldn't be surprised
if he won Golden Globes, Academy
awards, and even Grammy's.
                                                            
                       JES
He's got a point. I hate to admit
it, but I think he's right.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You know I'm right! In a few years
no one will even remember who Will
Smith even is. Jazzy Jeff is gonna
be as big as Bobby Brown.
                                                            
                       BART
Bobby Brown's a crackhead and so
are you!
                                                            
 
INT. DAMNATION DEVILS HIGHSCHOOL - WOODSHOP - DAY
                                                            
Jes is standing by a table with a circular saw on it,
putting together a birdhouse with some glue. James and John
are at another work bench arguing over something they are
building. Jes puts down his project and walks over to the
brothers. STUDENTS working on their assignments, smashing
away with hammers and saws on wood shop tables.
                                                            
                       JES
Hey fella's, about finished with
the bong?
                                                            
                       JAMES
You can't rush these things
Bongeneering is a sweet science.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Keep talking, odds are someday you
might actually say something
intelligent.
                                                            
John looks back at their project and begins screwing
something into it. James is connecting a tube to the wooden
work in progress.
                                                            

18.

                       JES
Guys, Help me out.
                                                            
                       JAMES
If you gotta problem, yo I'll
solve it.
                                                            
John and Jes look at each other and just shake their heads.
                                                            
                       JES
So Deer Hunting, Bear Hunting, and
Wild Game Hunting are all sports
right?
                                                            
                       JOHN
Yeah?
                                                            
                       JES
So why not Ghost Hunting? In those
sports they don't even hunt they
wait in a stand then shoot the
animal when it isn't looking. In
Ghost hunting they actually hunt
for something...I'd give anything
to see Ghost Hunting on the bottom
of the ESPN scroll.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You're dumb shit. Easter Egg
Hunting is more of a sport than
Ghost Hunting.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Yeah at least at the end of long
day of Easter Egg Hunting everyone
is satisfied.
                                                            
A VERY BRIEF PORTION OF TIME LATER-
                                                            
                       JES
I think we should forget about the
party.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Too late. John already passed out
the aphrodisiac.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Here's the last one.
                                                            
John hands Jes the flyer.
                                                            

19.

                       JES
      (reading outloud)
Party at the church, free wine
with bottle of water at door.
BYOB!
                                                            
                       JOHN
What do you think? Pretty good
huh?
                                                            
                       JES
The government catches wind of
this they will shove tubes up my
ass like I'm E.T. or something.
(Beat) And what's with the BYOB?
                                                            
                       JOHN
B.Y.O.B. was a nice touch huh?
(Beat)
Bring Your Own Bible!
                                                            
Jes crumbles up the flyer and throws it at John's chest.
                                                            
                       JES
B.Y.O.B. is Bring Your Own Beer,
you dumb ass!
                                                            
                       JOHN
How the hell was I supposed to
know that...it's not like I've
ever hosted anything other than a
dungeons and dragons party.
                                                            
                       JES
You knew...Asshole!
                                                            
Jes walks back to his work station where Bart is hard at
work on a coat rack.
                                                            
MR.DUGDALE(60's) walks in the room. He is a skinny man with
a grey receding hair line. Dressed in a leather jacket with
tassels and blue jean overalls.
                                                            
                       MR. DUGDALE
Alright everyone, break it up.
Lets get back to work.
                                                            
Mr.Dugdale sits in his seat. Very quickly pouring alcohol
from a flask into his coffee cup under the desk.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hey DUGDALE! Can I get some of
that coffee!
                                                            

20.

Mr. Dugdale just points at him with a look that is begging
James to say another word. James doesn't even consider
challenging the drunken white trashman.
                                                            
Jes picks up his circular saw to cut a piece of wood.
He lines it up, activates the saw, and begins to cut,
suddenly he loses his grip and the saw goes flying and
continues along the floor at a rapid speed. Jes starts
running after the saw as fast as any fat sack of lunch
could, man tits bouncing in slow motion like the opening
scene of Bay-Watch. The saw is connected to a extremely
large long extension cord. Jes jumps over various obstacles.
Fat rolls jiggling like a truck with a bad suspension going
over a pot holed dirt road. The saw stops right at the
teachers ankles.

Jes CAN'T SLOW DOWN slipping on saw dust, tumbling under the
desk strait into the teachers knees sending the two of them
SLAMMING against the back wall.

Jes jumps up in embarrassment instantly, Mr.Dugdale lyes
motionless on the floor.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm cool! I'm cool!
                                                            
The large cloud of saw dust clears- And a magnificent giant
wooden sailboat sits behind Jes.
Class is laughing and cheering-
The begin chanting and praising Jes for being such a great
carpenter. ANOTHER POWER?!?
Jes looks down at the teacher and walks innocently back to
his desk.
                                                            
                       JES
      (scared)
Someone might wanna call 911.
                                                            
 
EXT. DAMNATION HIGH SCHOOL PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS - DAY
                                                            
Boys, Girls, and Faculty every where are heading to their
cars, bikes, and rides. James and Jes are walking toward the
buses. Bart and John follow just behind strapping giant head
phones connected to tape players.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Take a good long look Jes.
                                                            
                       JES
Look at what?
                                                            

21.

                       JAMES
All these beautiful girls
bro...remember them as they are
cause is five to ten years from
now you're gonna be
                                                            
The two watch girls boarding the bus.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Myspacing and Facebooking these
same chicks and they'll be two -
hundred pounds with three kids
from four different baby daddies!
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT - SOON AFTER - CONTINUOUS - DAY
                                                            
Jes fidgets with his hair uncomfortably looking in the
window of a near by bus taking in the uncertain truth behind
his friends theory of evolution.
                                                            
EXT. FORD FESTIVA - MOMENTS LATER - DAY
                                                            
James clicks his electronic key fob disabling his high tech
alarm system. The Four then hop into James' Ford Festiva
specialy customized to look like a almost exact mini replica
of the black and metallic grey GMC Vandura van used by the
A-Team, with its characteristic red stripe, black and red
turbine mag wheels, and rooftop spoiler. THEY LOOK
RIDICULOUS! The car skids away at a whiplashing snail like
speed.
                                                            
 
EXT. TRINITY ANGELS - FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
                                                            
The moon illuminates off the dimly lit century old brick
catholic church surrounded by beautiful well kept
landscaping magnified by a giant angel water fountain. The
church is connected to a giant brick ranch living quarters
located next to the local park, lake, and playground.
CARS line the street. A steady flow of KIDS stream towards
the front door of the church.

They are all in a single file line holding water bottles as
they're walking in the front door.
                                                            
                       JES
James, do you think Arnold and
Webster came from the same
orphanage?
                                                            
James looks at Jes long and hard before answering.
                                                            

22.

                       JAMES
What like a orphanage for tiny
black midgets in a very small town
some where or something?
                                                            
                       JES
Exactly! And just maybe they hate
us BIGGERS! Ever consider that?
Like a KKK group for midgets
looking to string up BIGGERS!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Like a town in Kansas full of
Munchkin's with pitch forks,
torches, and nooses?
                                                            
                       JES
Actually Dorthy was from Kansas.
The Munchkins where from a
mythical land called OZ.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Most of the time I ask myself
"What Would Jes Do?" But now I'm
really starting to wonder about
you all together.
                                                            
                       JES
What? Why?
                                                            
Ofato (18, big Samoan guy that looks like a Dog the Bounty
Hunter impersonator) shakes up a bottle of zima spraying it
all over Jes' face. James grabs the bottle from the Ofato
then pushes him into the party without ever removing his
eyes off Jes.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Why...because you sound like a
dick face retard that's why. Stop
watching so much T.V. and get some
pussy man. I mean Shit!
                                                            
                       JES
So you and Grace huh?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Bro you have noooo idea! She's
like the Cookie Monster of dick
sucking!
                                                            
                       JES
Cookie Monster?
                                                            

23.

                       JAMES
Hellz Yeah. She can't get enough
Dick in her mouth. It's like she's
starving for it.
                                                            
James does his best Cookie Monster imitation while
pretending to give a blowjob.
                                                            
                       JAMES
"ME LOVE DICK! YUM! YUM! YUM! YUM!
YUM!" "ME LOVE CUM!"
                                                            
Jes shakes his head in disbelief while chuckling a bit.
                                                            
                       JAMES
"C is for Cock it's good enough
for me!" "HMMM...CUM! CUM! CUM!
CUM! CUM!"
                                                            
                       JES
Did you know on the first season
of Sesame Street, Oscar was
orange? It's true he also had a
girlfriend named Grundgetta
                                                            
                       JAMES
What? Why do you know this shit?
Can you just focus on what's
important for five fuckin'
minutes?
                                                            
                       JES
What like me some how having this
magical power to turn water into
wine some how...I thought you'd
never ask.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I'm being serious Jes.
                                                            
Jes knows by the look on James' face he can only be talking
about one thing.
                                                            
                       JES
Always liked Grace.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Grace is just an amazing starter
car bro. Nothing more nothing
less.
                                                            
                       JES
Starter car?
                                                            

24.

                       JAMES
Yeah starter car. You think Bo and
Luke Duke started off jumpin' The
General Lee?
                                                            
                       JES
Actually...
                                                            
                       JAMES
Fuck No! They probably started off
with a Gremlin or some shit!?
Grace's my Gremlin.
                                                            
 
INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH ENTRANCE DOOR - NIGHT
                                                            
PARTIERS EVERYWHERE. Jes is touching every bottle with his
index fingers as they pass. His left finger is creating
white wine, his right is creating red wine.
The last person to enter is Tackett. He's holding a two
liter filled with water. Jes touches it with one finger,
then the next. NOTHING HAPPENS.
                                                            
                       TACKETT
Hey! Where's my wine freak show?
                                                            
James steps nose to nose with Tackett.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Looks like the tap is dry Tackett.
                                                            
                       TACKETT
So it's gonna be like that?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Guess so.
                                                            
                       TACKETT
I didn't hear him say that.
                                                            
Tackett nods in the direction of Jes.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well I'm saying it Tackett. So
move on you're holding up the
line.
                                                            
Tackett looks behind him to see he is the only one left in
line.
                                                            
                       TACKETT
Alright...You wanna play like that
stoner! We'll play.
                                                            

25.

James moves closer - The two are chest to chest now.
                                                            
                       TACKETT
Why don't you get out of my
face...your breath smells like
DICK!
                                                            
                       JAMES
It does doesn't it...I just got
done making out with Faith!
                                                            
                       TACKETT
Makes sense then, she just blew me
in the parking lot...hows my dick
taste?!
                                                            
The two look at each other with confusion both unsure where
this conversation is going. Jes seperates the two. He
touches Tackett's bottle turning it to wine. Tackett walks
off practically eye fucking James. A awkward Kid, ERNEST
PLYLER (14) lopsided side spike skater haircut, California
Raisins shirt, and fingerless gloves nervously taps James on
the shoulder.
                                                            
                       JAMES
WHAT!
                                                            
                       ERNEST
You the guy with the left handed
cigarettes?
                                                            
                       JAMES
I could be. You a cop?
                                                            
                       ERNEST
Cop? No sir. I'd like to purchase
a bag.
                                                            
James signals the boy to follow him outside.
                                                            
 
EXT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JAMES
I know you?
                                                            
                       ERNEST
You're the dope man right?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Dope man? You call me a Dope man?
I'm a salesman, my friend. You
must have the wrong guy.
                                                            

26.

James lights up a joint blowing the smoke in Ernest's face.
                                                            
                       ERNEST
The green thumb guy? The
Pusher?...Dr.Feelgood?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah I'm Dr. Feelgood.
                                                            
James unzips his back pack letting Ernest have a look
inside.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I got Homegrown, Hydroponic,
Kryptonite, Presidential Shit,
Majickal Horse, Mr. Sesame Seed,
The Shit That Killed Elvis, and
Purple Haze. Which one you want?
                                                            
                       ERNEST
I'll take The Shit That Killed
Elvis please.
                                                            
The two make a fast transaction.
                                                            
                       JAMES
You ever call me the dope man
again I'll bust you up kid!
                                                            
James raises his open hand high suggesting a back handed
smack up side Ernest's head. A threatened and very
intiminated Ernest runs off like a little bitch.
                                                            
 
INT. TRINTY ANGELS CHURCH - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JES
Selling pot at a church?
                                                            
                       JAMES
It was none other than God who
said: "See, I give you every
seed-bearing plant that is upon
all the earth, and every tree that
has seed-bearing fruit; they shall
be yours for food."
                                                            
                       JES
FOR FOOD. NOT TO GET STONED
MR.FEELGOOD.
                                                            
JUST MOMENTS LATER -
                                                            
 

27.

INT. CHURCH FRONT PEW - NIGHT
                                                            
PARTIERS dance everywhere and on top of everything. Tackett
and his four large football buddies COOPER (18) wearing a
Tri-Lams sweater, ADAM (17) wearing a Cobra Kai jacket,
SLICK (17) wearing a T-Birds leather and DAMEON (20) wearing
a Michael Jackson "BEAT IT" red zipper jacket with a white
crystal glove grabs Jes, James, Bart, and John and throw
then down on the hard wooden pew.
                                                            
                       TACKETT
I catch you up, I'll kill all of
you. Now have fun Buttfuckers!
                                                            
Tackett gives his pal's a high five and walks off.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Letting us up? It's our party!
                                                            
                       BART
We should of seen this coming. Us
and them together? We should have
known better.
                                                            
James stands up with his fist clinched, looks around the
church. There are girls bonging beers on the steps, kids
doing keg stands in the walkway. A dance floor full of guys
and girls with BIG HAIR and FOUNTAIN BANGS. Tackett and his
friends are in the middle of ALL THE ACTION. Tackett looks
at James and shakes his head not to get up.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Can't even appreciate sharin' a
little wine and ganja with someone
outside their little social circle
jerk, even for a minute.
                                                            
James quickly sits back down on the crowded pew.
                                                            
                       JES
      (smiles)
Lets figure out a way to get up
off our asses and involved in the
party James. No reason to lose our
cool now, we've made it this far.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Jes, we should go over there and
kick the shit out of those
douchebags for screwing us out of
our own party.
                                                            

28.

                       JOHN
JAMES, do you ever wonder what
life would be like if you'd had
enough oxygen at birth? Those guys
will rip us limb from limb stupid!
                                                            
James unzips his back pack and pulls out Bongzilla and a
huge zip lock bag of pot, then packs the bowl, puts the
flame up to the weed, sucks smoke through the rubber hose
connected to the device.

"TOO LEGIT TO QUIT" by MC Hammer is screaming from intercom.

Kids all around are doing the "2 Legit 2 Quit" hand gesture.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (coughing)
You guys ready to get Treetarted?
                                                            
HOURS PASS- The party starts to get smaller.
John and Bart are passed out on top of one another on the
long wooden pew.

INTERCUT WITH:
                                                            
 
INT. NEIGHBORS HOME - NIGHT
                                                            
OLD MAN SIMPSON (90) He just sits up in his bed, a old man
of the fifties, droopy, only in his pajama trousers, one
sock dangling off his foot, his head hanging, his shoulders
slumped. Behind him, the sudden noise of the church party
next door. He reaches over turning on the night stand lamp.
He puts in his teeth, then reaches for the rotary phone
spinning the giant numbers.
                                                            
 
INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH PARTY - NIGHT
                                                            
SAME TIME - James notices all the different types of girls
dancing and getting out of control.
                                                            
                       JES
So James what do you think about
her?
                                                            
Jes points at BELLA SINDONE (18) Beautiful extremely thin
blonde, dressed like Madonna with huge flabby jello like
jiggling arms in a sleeveless top across the church
shotgunning cans of beer.
                                                            

29.

                       JAMES
Who Bella? Not my style. Don't go
after chicks with fat arm
syndrome.
                                                            
                       JES
What?
                                                            
                       JAMES
It's exactly what I said. Fat arm
syndrome. Her body is small and
petite and her arms are fat
swaying back and forth like bat
wings or something.
                                                            
                       JES
I meant as a person. Is sex all
you think about?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah. I like to consider myself a
coochie connoisseur. Look it's
like this you see that girl right
there?
                                                            
James points at JESSICA BROWN (17) A Pat Benatar-look-alike
in tight red skinny jeans. Cutting the rug and drinking with
three of her girl friends.
                                                            
                       JES
Who Jessica?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Yeah Jessica. Pretty girl right?
                                                            
                       JES
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Wrong! Watch when she turns
around...wait for it...wait for
it...
                                                            
Jessica spins around grinding on her friend and shaking her
donkey. James points at her deflated pancake ass.
                                                            
                       JAMES
There it is...LONG ASS! Her ass is
flat and long. LONG ASS SYNDROME.
TELL ME YOU DON'T SEE IT. TOLD YA'
MAN IT'S A GIFT!
                                                            

30.

                       JES
Jessica could be a great girl if
you gave her a chance.
                                                            
James slaps Jes on the shoulder, then points at her friends
Extremely flat, sagging breasts that lay on stomach and slap
upper chest while in movement. They look very simular to a
woman seen on National Geographic African edition.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Don't have to know her. I know
she's got a long ass. Her friend
she's dancin' with...FLAPJACK
TITTIES!
                                                            
We see Jessica shaking her long-ass and her friend's very
saggy grandma-like flapjack titties, twirling in circles
like a funnel, both going in different directions.
                                                            
                       JES
      (laughing)
You're going to hell man!
                                                            
 
EXT. STERLING STATE CAMP GROUNDS - NIGHT
                                                            
We see FATHER TYMES 60's wearing a boyscout uniform and his
traditional collar. He is with a group of boy scouts
teaching them how to pitch a tent. HIS CELL PHONE RINGS - He
steps away from the boys to answer never taking his eye's
off their tushies. He becomes enraged by news he is
recieving over the phone. OBVIOUSLY OLD MAN SIMPSON. Tymes
thanks the oldman then dials another number.
                                                            
 
INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH PARTY - NIGHT
                                                            
James points at another girl. We see a very tall broad girl
wearing a belly shirt with what looks like a flabdominal
bulging beer gut hanging over her waste. She takes a drink
from her normal size glass. She has abnormally large
masculate weathered hands that make it appear like she is
holding a dixie cup.
                                                            
                       JAMES
I may be goin' to hell, but I'll
tell ya' this much, SHE'S GOTTA A
CUM GUT AND MAN HANDS!(Laughs)
                                                            
He points at a blonde wearing a "I Heart Corey Haim" shirt.
She smiles. We see she HAS VERY BAD DISCOLORED ENGLISH
LOOKING TEETH!
                                                            

31.

                       JAMES
HOLLOWEEN TEETH!
                                                            
He points at the Asian girl in the "I Heart Corey Feldman"
shirt and pink mini skirt.
                                                            
                       JAMES
More Corn Beef under that skirt
than ARBY'S "Five for Five deal!"
                                                            
                       JES
Be serious James! What would make
you settle down?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Jes bro! Settle down?
                                                            
                       JES
Yeah it's a simple question.
                                                            
                       JAMES
They call it settling down, cause
you're settling for less than you
deserve cause you can't wait.
                                                            
                       JES
Call me a hopeless romantic but
it's about falling in love James.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Falling in love is another one I
hate! Since when is falling ever a
good thing huh? You fall for a
prank, or fall in a pile of shit!
You don't fall in love my friend.
                                                            
 
INT. BANQUETTE HALL - NIGHT
                                                            
A much older looking, cane carrying Peter is giving a
presentation to a small group of Scientist. Some of these
people seem to be daydreaming - looking out of the window,
examining their fingernails. A badly aged, completely bald
Michael's phone rings distracting the whole room. A couple,
look like the noise may have woken them from a deep trance
of boredom. Michael puts the phone back into his pocket,
then whispers in Peter's ear. Peter wraps up the
presentation early. The audience give a half hearted
applaud.
                                                            
 

32.

INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH PARTY - NIGHT
                                                            
A heavy set kid wearing "Parachute Pants" and a "Miami Vice"
blazer leans over the holy water dispenser PUKING. Jes looks
over at him while Kids cheer him on.
                                                            
                       JES
Tell me then what is it you're
looking for in a girl?
                                                            
                       JAMES
A man like me is a reflection of
perfection who could only be
Faith's number one selection!
                                                            
                       JES
Faith loves Tackett more than
Joanie loves Chachi! Get real
James.
                                                            
A long line of Kids with empty bottles pass by James and Jes
for refills. Faith makes her way to the front looking a bit
green. She drops a folded up piece of paper in James lap on
the down low. Jes continues the conversation as he refills
each bottle with his magic index fingers. James unfolds the
note revealing a cell phone number. He shoves it in Jes'
face.
                                                            
                       JAMES
WHO????? Maybe for now.
                                                            
Tackett sits back with a Beta Movie Max over the shoulder
camcorder recording the whole thing. The drunken crowd
shouts down one line-jumper, who is shamed into going to the
back of the queue.
                                                            
                       JES
Fair enough...What are your
dreams? What do you wanna do in
life?
                                                            
                       JAMES
I'll tell you what I wanna do if
you promise you won't laugh.
                                                            
                       JES
I promise, I won't laugh.
                                                            
 
INT. FATHER TYMES' 1971 DODGE DEMON - NIGHT
                                                            
The interior of the '71 DODGE DEMON is pretty jaw dropping.
Tymes shifts away punching the gas to the floor. The

33.

speedometer reads eighty-eight miles per hour. ANGRY AS
HELL! He pops in a 8 Track tape.
                                                            
 
EXT. '71 DODGE DEMON - NIGHT
                                                            
The tricked out devil-red '71 DODGE DEMON GLIDES BY various
strip clubs such as the PLAYERS CLUB, CHIX ON DIX, GAY BAR
SUPER STAR and the HARD COX CAFE. CRUISES PASSED -- ABORTION
CLINIC -- Where a large gathering of sign-carrying
anti-choice terrorist march in front of the plain looking
building.
                                                            
 
EXT. BANQUETTE HALL - NIGHT
                                                            
The '71 DODGE DEMON flies up to the vallet where Michael
jumps into the back seat of the car, and Peter gets in the
front with Tymes. WAISTING NO TIME - The car roars out of
the parking lot at a horrifying speeds. Michael holds on for
dear life.
                                                            
 
INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH PARTY - NIGHT
                                                            
                       JAMES
You ever notice how everyone who
gets one tattoo always ends up
getting tons more...practically
putting the ink in a spoon and
torching it with a crack lighter
ready to cover their entire bodies
five minutes after the first?
                                                            
                       JES
Uhh? Yeah I guess so?
                                                            
                       JAMES
Well that's what I wanna
do...start a tattoo rehab. It
would be the first of it's kind
and it'll clean up them ink
junkies!
                                                            
                       JES
That's great?! I never would have
thought you would wanna help
people for a living.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Plus it'll be a great way to meet
chicks!
                                                            

34.

The two laugh the night away, eventually passing out in the
pew next to Bart and John.

NOT LONG AFTER -
                                                            
 
INT. CHURCH FRONT DOORS - NIGHT
                                                            
Mike comes storming in along side of Pete. Just behind the
two is Father Tymes. He kicks at a beer can as they are all
three staring in disbelief. Pews are overturned, passed out
teenagers lying all over the floor, and puke on the floor
and in the pews. Tackett and Faith are naked in the Baptism
pool, they stop and cover themselves. PARTIERS Running out
of the church as the men enter. Jes, James, Bart and John
are passed out in the front pew with Bongzilla tightly
clinched against James' chest. Mike, Peter, and Father
Tymes, stepping over beer cans, food, wine and bibles they
approach the front row. Father Tymes kicks Jes in the leg,
then starts to shake him uncontrollably.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Wake up! Wake up now boy!
                                                            
                       JES
      (waking up)
Wha? What? Oh hey.
                                                            
                       PETER
Jes get up! What is going on here?
                                                            
Michael picks up a broken picture frame with an award in it.
Then drops it back on the floor. Father Tymes rushes to the
wall nearest to the kitchen and flips an upside down cross
hanging on the wall right side up.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
We get a call in the middle of the
night by neighbors threatening to
call the police if we don't get
home. Why would you do this Jes?
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I...We placed a lot of faith in
you boy and this is how you repay
us? Look at my church, it's
desecrated!
                                                            
                       JES
I. I'm sorry. It was supposed to
be...
                                                            

35.

                       FATHER TYMES
Save it for confession boy! You
can't be smoking the grass in the
house of god! What are you some
kind of moron or something?
                                                            
                       JES
I didn't smoke anything Father, I
swear to god, I didn't.
                                                            
Father Tymes points at Peter then Jes.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Search him Peter. I'll bet he has
some of that hippie lettuce on him
now. God knows it smells like the
Marijuana in here.
                                                            
Peter pats Jes down, Peter takes something from Jes' pocket
discreetly putting it in his own pocket.
                                                            
                       PETER
He's not carrying anthing Father.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Ummm...scuse us bro's, your
godliness, we're gonna bail...No
need for us to be in the middle of
family squabbles Padre.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
You're excused for now boys. I'll
see you three and your mother's
sunday in mass. I'm sure they'll
want to hear all about this whole
thing boys.
                                                            
James grabs Bongzilla and his backpack. John jumps out of
the pew to his feet. He wakes Bart. The three race for the
doors at lightning speeds.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Goooood Luuu...ck...
                                                            
                       JES
I'll clean up Father.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
You're damn right you will clean
up Jes. This is an outrage...an
embarrassment to the church and
God himself!
                                                            

36.

Jes grabs a garbage bag and starts picking up trash from the
floor putting it into the bag.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Jes man, why would you do
something so stupid?
                                                            
                       JES
Alright you wanna know fine.
(sighs) In the lunchroom today, I
sneezed and my water turned into
wine some how? So we threw this
party offering free wine cause we
thought it would impress the
girls, then things got a little
out of control fast.
                                                            
Father Tymes rips the garbage bag from Jes' hands.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Jes, this is unbelievable. How
could you make up such a
(ponders)Wait a minute
(understanding) You did what at
lunch?
                                                            
                       PETER
Father, let him speak.
                                                            
                       JES
I know it's crazy, my water turned
to wine. I don't know why this is
happening to me.
                                                            
Michael pulls up a stool next to the door.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Is this true Jes?
                                                            
                       JES
Yah, but what does it mean? And
why aren't you mad anymore?
                                                            
                       PETER
Jes, we are disappointed. But this
news is astounding!
                                                            
Father Tymes grabs Jes wrapping his arms around practically
bear hugging Jes's limp body.
                                                            
 

37.

INT. MAIN LIVING QUARTERS - KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Father Tymes pulls out a chair at the cluttered dinner
table. He extends his hand to Jes. Peter sits next to
Michael.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Then the results we've been
waiting for have revealed
themselves to us. My lifes work,
my studies, my sermon's, the faith
and everything I've ever taught
has come true today in you Jes.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
It seems so.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
God certainly works in mysterious
ways.
                                                            
                       JES
Result? What results? What is he
talking about Michael?
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Mike. Not a word. Peter what do
you think?
                                                            
                       PETER
Father, he is eighteen years old.
Now would be the time.
                                                            
Tymes eats from a giant platter of food consisting of
deviled eggs and angel rolls that is laid out on the kitchen
table.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Jes, maybe we should sit down.
There's something we've been
meaning to tell you.
                                                            
                       PETER
Jes, what we're trying to say is,
you know how we told you your mom
left you in the grocery store as a
baby?
                                                            
                       JES
Yah.
                                                            
Peter gets up and limps over to Jes. Putting his arm around
the frightened boy.
                                                            

38.

                       PETER
Well, that isn't entirely true.
                                                            
                       JES
Well, how much of it isn't true?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Oh...the entire story.
                                                            
                       PETER
That was actually how Punky
Brewster's mom abandoned her.
                                                            
Jes steps away from Peter. Grabs Father Tymes' chair.
Pulling it across the room, and sits in it. Keeping his
distance from the others.
                                                            
                       JES
Punky Brewster?! Why did you tell
me that then?
                                                            
                       PETER
That episode was on at the time
you asked...I didn't know what to
say so I went with that.
                                                            
Jes points to a picture of a woman on the wall. He takes the
photo off the wall waving it around in a panic.
                                                            
                       JES
Then who the hell is that...please
tell me that is actually my real
Mother!???
                                                            
Peter, Michael, and Father Tymes look at eachother in shame.
Michael turns to Jes.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Esther Rolle.
                                                            
                       JES
Who the hell is Esther Rolle?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Umm...She played Florida Evens
from the show "Good Times".
                                                            
Jes has a look of absolute murder written all over his face.
Michael looks away.
                                                            
                       JES
What happened to "Thou Shalt Not
Lie" FATHER?
                                                            

39.

Michael takes out his wallet opening it. Handing Jes some
pictures of the discovery. Jes thumbs through them.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
The truth is, a little over
eighteen years ago, Peter and I
found a ancient cloth.
                                                            
                       PETER
It was dated April 6, 33 A.D. The
same day Jesus Christ's
resurrection.
                                                            
Michael takes a drink of his coffee.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
After running multiple test on the
stain we were positive that
someone went to great lengths to
keep it hidden.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Cardinal Ramirez funded a project.
Peter and Michael were to take the
stain and make a replica of the
DNA.
                                                            
Peter takes a cigar from his hat, wets it with his tongue,
then places it in his cheek.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Jes, what they are trying to say,
is the DNA on the cloth was the
DNA of one Jesus H. Christ.
                                                            
                       JES
The what? What does that have to
do with me?
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
In the light of your event today,
at lunch and here in the church,
we now know you share the same
blood as Jesus H. Christ.
                                                            
                       JES
Wait, are you saying I have the
same bloodline as Jesus?
                                                            
Father Tymes is holding the holy bible up against his chest.
Jes gets up from the chair. Dropping the pictures on the
ground. Jes is now pacing the floors.
                                                            

40.

                       FATHER TYMES
We're telling you that your blood
is an exact DNA match to
Jesus H. Christ.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm, I'm a clone?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
In a sense, yes. You are a genetic
copy of the one we call our
savior.
                                                            
                       JES
You guys are sick in the head! All
those years of you joking and
saying I was the greatest
discovery in the history of
mankind...you were being serious?
                                                            
Michael takes a sip from his coffee cup.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
We did mean it...about you I mean.
                                                            
                       JES
Some discovery. So why don't I
look like him then?
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I assure you, this is no mistake.
You are him.
                                                            
                       JES
But...I'm Black! I don't remember
Jesus being Black!
                                                            
Michael's shirt is drenched in sweat and fidgety.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
I might have spilled my coffee on
the machines when we cloned the
DNA.
                                                            
Father Tymes reaches for Michael's neck. Peter steps in
front of Tymes holding him back.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
You what? Well this explains why
he is the way he is then!...A
REEFER ADDICT!
                                                            

41.

                       PETER
Father, a little sympathy please.
He's standing next to you.
                                                            
                       JES
So, I'm some freak cloning
accident?!?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Technically...
                                                            
                       JES
And the thing I take pride in the
most? My African American
Heritage! It's because dumb shit
here decided to have coffee that
day, instead of Cream Soda!
                                                            
                       PETER
Relax Jes, lets talk about it.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
      (chuckles)
Well, they were African coffee
beans (chuckles awkwardly) Just
think of yourself as an
EXPRESS-FRO AMERICAN. They sound
simular and look the same...
                                                            
                       JES
This is a mistake! A terrible
mistake!
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
No mistake. The puzzle isn't so
puzzling (Beat) Simple example
your name. Jes Harold Shephard.
                                                            
                       JES
Yeah, so.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Short for JesUS.

Middle Initial is H.

And your last name is Shepherd, a
Synonym for Christ.

Jesus H. Christ
                                                            
                       JES
OH MY GOD!
                                                            

42.

A very emotional Jes runs out of the church in tears.
                                                            
                       PETER
What do we do now?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
We let him cool down a little.
He's a bright kid he'll figure out
on his own what a great thing this
really is.
                                                            
 
INT. JES' BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Mike and Pete are sitting in chairs opposite each other.
Jes' room is full of posters of Black Sabbath, Judas Priest,
Twisted Sister, Godsmack and Macavelli.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Maybe all Jes needs is a push in
the right direction.
                                                            
                       PETER
God knows Tymes will take Jes on a
tour around the world like a
circus act, if he has his way.
                                                            
Peter lifts his bad leg up with both hands placing it on the
bed. Michael takes a drink from his coffee cup.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
I have an idea, you remember
Andrew my old roommate in college
I told you about?
                                                            
                       PETER
The Reporter. What about him?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Jes said he can turn water into
wine right? Well if we can show
the world that The Second Coming
of Jesus walks among us, everybody
wins. The Church would get all the
credit, Jes could get some
positive attention that would only
help his self esteem, and we would
get the notoriety we deserve for
such a historic and ground
breaking day.
                                                            
                       PETER
I don't know Mike.
                                                            

43.

                       MICHAEL
Just trust me on this one Pete.
                                                            
Peter reaches in his pocket handing Mike his 8 pound DynaTAC
"Zack Morris" style portable phone that resembles a brick.
Mike opens his wallet, and removes a business card. Michael
dials the number printed on the card.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Hello, Andy? Hey, It's Mikey,
Mikey Reese. I'm good, listen I
have some information for you. You
won't believe this.
                                                            
INTERCUT WITH:
                                                            
 
INT. FOX U NEWS ROOM DETROIT - JES' BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
ANDREW COTTONBERRY (30's) Looks like model who was chiseled
in stone. He is sitting at the news desk, talking on the
breaking news rotary phone.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
What is it?
                                                            
                       ANDREW
You're kidding.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
That is Amazing! We'll get this
right on.
                                                            
Michael is standing at the window. He turns around smiles
and gives Peter the thumbs up. Peter wants no part of this
idea. He leaves the room.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Can it wait till morning?
                                                            
Andrew is talking on the phone with one hand, holding a
mirror with the other. A Boy-George looking MAKEUP ARTIST is
applying cover up on Andrew's face with a sponge.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
Yes sir. Absolutely sir.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Alright, Bye.
                                                            
 

44.

INT. JES' BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Michael turns the phone off looking very satisfied. He then
climbs into bed and shuts off the lights by activating The
Clapper.
                                                            
 
INT. FOX U NEWS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Andrew hangs up the phone. - Snapping his fingers at someone
and begins straightening his pink tie and tidying up his
appearance.
                                                            
                       ANDREW
WOW! HELLO WALTER CRONKITE AWARD!
YES!
                                                            
He looks below his desk. The back of a woman's head bobs up
and down.
                                                            
 
INT. FATHER TYMES OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
The office has crosses hanging at just about every corner
above the room. There is a large painting of Jesus on the
cross behind the Father's desk. Jes is wearing a Twisted
Sister shirt playing with a Rubix Cube, he looks distant.
Father Tymes is enjoying a Bloody Mary while watching Jes
through the open doorway. He gets up from his desk and
enters the living room with Jes.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Jes stares at the television watching an old episode of
"Good Times" with tear filled eyes.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
You know Jes, this isn't all bad.
You have a great gift you could
share with the world.
                                                            
                       JES
I have a hard enough time just
being me. You're expecting me to
be someone larger than life? I
don't think I can live up to those
kind of expectations.
                                                            
Father Tymes grabs the remote turning off the T.V. Jes holds
the picture of Florida Evens very close to his chest
squeezing it for comfort.
                                                            

45.

                       FATHER TYMES
Jes, There is a great lack of
faith in today's society. Our
church is a mere shadow of it's
former self. Membership is at an
all time low. You bring us hope
and a chance to restore society's
faith.
                                                            
                       JES
Why me? Why now? This is too much
responsibility. (Beat) What is it
you want me to do exactly?
                                                            
Father Tymes reaches down picking up a candy jar that sits
on a end table next to the couch that Jes is sitting on. He
opens the top and puts a piece of angel food candy in his
mouth. Extending the jar with a gentle smile to Jes offering
a treat. Jes just shakes his head "NO". Father Tymes puts
down the jar and sits down next to Jes.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I have big plans for US. First we
take a trip to the Vatican, to
meet The Pope. Cardinal Ramirez is
on a flight now as we speak to
meet you. It's very important we
don't embarrass the church in any
way. He will lead us step by step
on how to deal with such a
delicate matter. We must keep
everything a secret. This news has
come to a surprise to all of us,
not just you.
                                                            
INTERCUT TO:
                                                            
 
INT. AIRPLANE - DAY
                                                            
Strapped into his seat sits MEXICAN CARDINAL BORIS RAMIREZ a
very heavy set man, with a pencil mustache, dressed in a
full black cassock, red skull cap and a rosary made of the
exotic stones discovered by Peter and Michael. He sleeps
with a mask over his eyes. On his lap is the golden snuff
box. Sitting next to him is HEAD NUN SISTER MOTHER NATURE.
She seems to be watching over him as a pretecter or body
guard. She scribbles into a journal using a Quill style pen
made from the same red feather discovered inside the snuff
box eighteen years earlier.
                                                            
 

46.

INT. SCREAMS ICE CREAM PARLOR - DAY
                                                            
It's always Halloween at Screams Ice Cream. Halloween
decorations and specialty mask cover the store. OWNER
WEARING A DEVIL MASK serves sinfully delicious ice cream
treats in tempting homemade authentic coffin shaped waffle
cones. Kids of all ages enjoy the toppings and ice cream
with scary names. Everything is priced $ 6.66 and under. Jes
sits at a table picking at his angel pie with ice cream
without an appetite. Father Tymes tries cheering the
confused boy up with religious aspirations.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Someone once said "The road to
hell was paved with good
intentions."
                                                            
Peter enters the shop. Jes turns to see Pete standing behind
them.
                                                            
                       PETER
Father enough! It'll be a cold day
in hell before I let you take him
to the Vatican, to put him on
display like some circus show.
                                                            
Father Tymes gets up from his seat, slowly making his way
over to Peter, and leans his face up to Peter's ear.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
      (whispers)
Pete, you and I both know this
must be done.
                                                            
Peter exits with his panties in a bunch.
                                                            
                       JES
Is that true?
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
You have a lot to learn and little
time my son.
                                                            
                       JES
Like what?
                                                            
Father Tymes grabs a wrapped gift from under the table.
Hands it to Jes. Jes rips open the present with a look of
pain written all over his face. Revealing a book.
                                                            
                       JES
      (reading out loud)
PERFORMING MIRACLES FOR DUMMIES?
                                                            

47.

                       FATHER TYMES
To help you master your skills as
a miracle worker. To teach you the
ways of the world and what your
purpose is.(Chuckles) You didn't
think turning water into wine was
it did you? Don't you want to heal
the unhealable? spread the true
word to those who won't
listen?...There are so many things
you must learn. Jesus died a young
man, you could go on spreading the
word for 70 even 80 more years if
lucky enough.
                                                            
Jes stands up and backs away from Father Tymes. He then
exits the store backwards.
                                                            
NEWS SHOWING ON THE TELEVISION
                                                            
 
INT. FOX U NEWS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Andrew and female co-anchor with smeared lipstick and the
same hair style as the woman under the desk now sit side by
side behind the desk, with notes in hands. BREAKING NEWS -
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
      (smiling)
Trinity Angels Church is believed
to have been in possession of the
Holy Shroud of Turin for some
years now.
                                                            
                       CANDY FROST
      (smiling)
That's unbelievable Andrew.
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
      (smiling)
Indeed it is! It was also stated
by our anonymous tipster, that a
clone of Jesus Christ lives with
the head priest at the church.
                                                            
                       CANDY FROST
      (smiling)
Well Andrew, that is news. What
kind of house of God would it be
without the son of God free
loading at the residence as well?
Any chance Jimmy Hoffa is staying
in the basement?
                                                            

48.

                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
      (smiling)
Well CANDY, tomorrow afternoon
we'll find out at the press
conference. Where he agreed to
perform a miracle on national
television for all to see.
                                                            
 
INT. SCREAMS ICE CREAM PARLOR - DAY
                                                            
Father Tymes gets down on his knees and begins to silently
pray to God.
                                                            
 
EXT. SCREAMS ICE CREAM PARLOR - DAY
                                                            
Pete informs Jes about a meeting in the park tomorrow
morning to put an end to all this before it gets out of
hand.
                                                            
 
INT. SHOWER - DAY
                                                            
Jes is showering in antisipation of Michael's big surprise
in the park. SUDDENLY! The unimaginable happens. His skin
marvelously turns bright purple as the water hits him. The
water is instantly transforming to red wine. He looks at his
feet. He is standing in a bath of wine. He quickly turns off
the shower in shock. Jes has wine stained skin.
                                                            
                       JES
FUCK!
                                                            
He grabs a towel in a last desperate attempt to wipe the
stain from his face and hair.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAKE ERIE METRO PARK - MORNING - DAY
                                                            
This is a typical park: kids playing on the swings, jungle
gym, sandbox, slide. Men and women are jogging on the track
with trees all around. There are people walking their dogs,
there's a man playing frisbee with his girlfriend, a
homeless man sleeping in his own pee on a bench covered with
a newspaper like a blanket, and people fishing on the lake.
Jes is sitting on a rock near the lake. He is wearing a
Creed T-shirt. His skin purple from head to toe.
                                                            
Peter, Michael, Andrew and a large news crew are walking
toward Jes. Reporters start to notice and meander over.
                                                            

49.

                       MICHAEL
What's with the purple? We told
you that you were the DNA of Jesus
Christ, not Barney or Grimace!
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
Is this some kind of prank? MAKE
UP! We need you over here pronto!
                                                            
Andrew snaps his fingers and points at Jes. Same makeup
artist applys make-up to Jes' purple face.
                                                            
                       JES
No, I jumped into the shower this
morning. As the water hit me, it
turned into wine, dying my skin
purple.
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
Kid you reek of alcohol.
                                                            
                       JES
Do you think I'm enjoying this? Do
you think I like being purple?
This thing seems to have a mind of
it's own. Oh and Michael...
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Yeah bud?
                                                            
                       JES
Last I checked, Grimus was a giant
drop of secret sauce at McDonald's
and Barney was a giant
Tyrannosaurus Rex that sings and
dances. And I am none of those
things Michael. Last I checked I
was a coffee covered freak cloning
accident thanks to you Mike!
                                                            
                       ANDREW
Well you better figure it out and
quick. My audience is expecting
miracles and that's what you're
gonna deliver kid.
                                                            
                       JES
And who are you again?
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Jessy, we want you to meet Andrew.
He wants to take a short video of
you. Ya know, answering a few
questions, walking on water or
            (MORE)

50.

                       MICHAEL (cont'd)
something.
                                                            
                       JES
Tell me you didn't set this up.
                                                            
                       PETER
You don't have to do this Jes.
This was Mike's boneheaded idea.
                                                            
                       JES
Doesn't look like I have much of a
choice, does it Mike? So I'll play
along, I'll make you famous...I'm
your Huckleberry.
                                                            
Jes signals to Andrew. Jes walks to the podium. Michael is
holding a stereo system. He puts a cassette into the tape
deck.
                                                            
 
EXT. PODIUM - DAY
                                                            
MUSIC UP: "Faith" by George Michael
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
Okay. We're live in 3, 2, 1
                                                            
There are blinding flashes of light coming from what seems
to be hundreds of camera flash bulbs. Jes covers his eyes
with his forearm. Then points at a reporter in the back of
the crowd.
                                                            
                       JES
Alright, floors open. Yes, you,
question.
                                                            
Reporter # 1 (30's in a velvet corduroy sports jacket and
pink tie)
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
Is this some kind of joke? You
look like a Smurf or a Oompa
Loompa.
                                                            
                       JES
Well sir, Oompa Loompa are little
people from a small island on the
pacific ocean who worked in a
chocolate factory. Plus, they are
orange. Smurfs were blue and only
three apples tall, that lived in
the forest and loved to eat smurf
berries. A berry I have never
            (MORE)

51.

                       JES (cont'd)
eaten and probly never will. So to
answer your question, I am none of
the above, next question!
                                                            
                       REPORTERS
      (laughing)
HAHAHAHHAHA!
                                                            
Reporter # 2 (20's Baby Faced, LONG RAT TAIL in a sweater
vest and tie.)
                                                            
                       REPORTER # 2
Are you a Democrat or Republican?
                                                            
Peter grabs the microphone from the table in front of Jes.
                                                            
                       PETER
Come on, let's get serious guys.
                                                            
Peter places the microphone back in front of Jes.
                                                            
                       JES
Sir, I am a republicrat. I don't
like party politics, so I get the
best of both worlds.
                                                            
REPORTER#2 begins laughing, and starts to reply but
REPORTER#1 cuts in.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
That's like saying you're
conservative and liberal? Which
one is it!?!
                                                            
                       JES
Next question.
                                                            
REPORTER # 3 (Attractive Female wearing a full business
suit)
                                                            
                       REPORTER # 3
If you don't mind, I'd like to
interrupt. Jesus, The world wants
to know. Are you for or against
gay marriage?
                                                            
Michael leans over and whispers in Jes' ear.
                                                            
                       JES
No comment.
                                                            
The reporters explodes into an uproar.
                                                            

52.

                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
Your answer would put an end on
these discussions once and for
all! Where do you stand on
abortion?
                                                            
Michael leans over and whispers in Jes' ear.
                                                            
                       JES
No comment.
                                                            
The group of reporters are yelling and screaming over each
other. Michael grabs the microphone pushing Jes aside.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Enough with this propaganda and
senseless questioning! You came
here for a miracle; then let him
do what you came here to see!
                                                            
Jes covers the microphone with two hands moving it away from
his face.
                                                            
                       JES
Look at me, I look like a purple
people eater. I don't think I'm
ready for this.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Just do your best kiddo.
                                                            
 
EXT. - INT. LAKE ERIE - DAY
                                                            
                       PETER
The only way out of this mess is
to face it head on. Figure out how
to perform miracles then show the
world!
                                                            
                       JES
I've been studying this book
FATHER TYMES gave me. I'm still
not sure I can do it, but I'm
willing to try.
                                                            
                       PETER
It's like Luke Skywalker and the
force, you just need to learn to
control it.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Or Superman.
                                                            

53.

                       PETER
Exactly! Be the miracle.
                                                            
                       JES
I'll try.
                                                            
                       PETER
That's all we expect.
                                                            
They walk to the lake a few yards in front of them.

A nun pokes her head from behind a tree talking into a
walkie talkie. The nun behind the tree pops her head out.

She looks and talks into a walkie talkie.

She then snaps a couple of photo's.
                                                            
                       JES
I will walk on water for the world
to see.
                                                            
The crowd breaks out in complete chaos.
                                                            
                       REPORTER #1
We want to see something real!
We've all seen Chris Angel perform
this trick!
                                                            
                       REPORTER # 2
I think it was David Blaine who
did that trick actually.
                                                            
His frustration is turning to desperation.
                                                            
                       REPORTERS
We want something real!
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
Jesus, if that is who you are,
remember we're live! And the whole
world is waiting.
                                                            
He spots the lake, starts running toward it like a madman.
Jes steps forward into the lake with a tip toe, slowly
planting his foot onto the water. SPLASH! FACE FIRST INTO
THE LAKE! Flailing Wildly! DROWNING!
                                                            
                       REPORTER # 3
Stand up it's knee deep you big
dummy!
                                                            

54.

The reporters are laughing, taking notes, and chatting to
themselves. A camera man looks from out behind his camera.
                                                            
                       CAMERA MAN
Osama Bin Laden is more of a
savior then this guy!
                                                            
                       REPORTER # 3
Your a fraud! a fake! a poser!
I've seen Elvis impersonators look
more real then you! We will expose
you for the fake you are. The
nerve to mock Jesus Christ!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
We gotta get you out of here!
                                                            
The crowd begins chanting and throwing things at Jes.
                                                            
                       JES
I tried! Stop! Give me another
chance!
                                                            
                       PETER
That's enough Jes, lets go.
                                                            
Andrew turns to the camera crews and tells them to cut the
feed. Peter, Michael, and Jes run to their car.
                                                            
 
EXT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH - NIGHT
                                                            
Jes, Peter, and Michael are running to the front door.
Fighting through a angry crowd of people throwing things at
them. Father Tymes with a "Bloody Bishop" in hand opens the
doors just as they all rush inside.
                                                            
 
INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
Jes screams out at the crowd through the open door.
                                                            
                       JES
Stop! I don't even want this!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
JES!
                                                            
                       JES
Screw you Mike! You've ruined my
life! I can't do this! I'm not
him!
                                                            

55.

Father Tymes sips from his alcoholic beverage before
storming out the door into the crowd.
                                                            
                       PETER
Don't worry Jes, The Padre will
fix all of this. He'll make it
better. He always knows the right
thing to say under pressure.
                                                            
EXT. - DAMNATION DEVILS HIGHSCHOOL - DAY

Jes makes his way up to the front doors of the school. He is
met by Mr.Dugdale and two POLICE OFFICERS both (mid - 30's)
blocking his path.
                                                            
                       JES
What's happening?
                                                            
                       MR. DUGDALE
Sorry Jes the law says NO JESUS IN
PUBLIC SCHOOLS.
                                                            
 
EXT. - INT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
They did it. They have duped us
all. It was those two men!
                                                            
The angry mob still very unsatisfied by Father Tymes claims.
Hooting and Hollering!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL PETER JES
WHAT?!?!?
                                                            
                       JES
How could you lie like that
Father?
                                                            
Michael and Peter stand in disbelief and betrayal. Jes runs
off heartbroken. Father Tymes sits in a pew and hangs his
head to pray.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
What am I gonna do now Father? I
told him, to stay under the radar.
                                                            
 
INT. DAM SITE INN - NIGHT
                                                            
Jes is lying on a vibrating hotel bed. He reaches over
grabbing the giant rotary phone then dialing.
                                                            

56.

                       JES
      (ON PHONE)
I'll meet you guys at the park in
the morning. Ok love you too, Bye.
                                                            
Puts a quarter in the slot for the vibrating bed. Reaches
over and turns off the lamp as he stares at the ceiling
singing the "Good Times" theme song while crying.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAKE ERIE METRO PARK - STREET - DAY
                                                            
The BLIND MAN (85) Good physical condition begins crossing
the road. He makes it past the first lane. A car passes
behind him, honking the horn. The man crosses over the
second lane. A car passes behind him again. As he steps onto
the gravel, A female cyclist (9) takes him out. The
bicyclist gets up and rides off.
                                                            
                       CYCLIST
What are you blind asshole!
                                                            
The blind man gets up to his knees and is feeling around for
his glasses. Jes Helps the blind man to his feet. Then
safely walks the man to the grass. A RED NINJA NUN behind a
tree pops her head out. She snaps a photo then talks into a
walkie talkie. She then snaps a couple more.
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Thank god you were here to help,
but you could have warned me boy.
I'm blind not deaf.
                                                            
                       JES
Yes sir, I'm sorry sir. It all
just happened so fast sir.
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Speak up boy! What is your name
son?
                                                            
                       JES
Um, Jessy.
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Well um Jessy, you didn't see that
biker coming?
                                                            
Peter and Michael are thumbing through the miracles for
dummies book looking for the chapter on healing.
                                                            

57.

                       JES
No sir, not until the moment he
struck you with his bike
sir...Sir, this is going to sound
a little crazy but....
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Well spit it out um Jessy, I don't
have all day.
                                                            
                       JES
I came over to heal you...you know
your vision problem sir.
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Heal me? Now I've heard
everything.
                                                            
The Blind man pokes Jes repeatedly with his walking stick.
Peter looks inside of the book, suddenly he seems very
hesitent to show Jes what the book says. He then pulls a
tiny bible from his back pocket double checking. Jes
snatches the book from him having a himself.
                                                            
                       JES
Okay? Hold still.
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
If you put your hands anywhere
near my nuts.
                                                            
Jes takes the man's glasses off.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm not going anywhere near that
part of your body.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Be the Miracle Jes!
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Now who the hell was that?
                                                            
Jes starts hocking up as much spit as he can filling his
entire mouth with saliva. He looks at Peter still uncertain
wheather or not to got through with it. Peter and Michael
both nod and shrug pointing to the healing section of the
book. Jes goes for it.

SPITTING ALL OVER THE MAN'S FACE AND IN HIS EYES!

His face is covered with mucus oozing down his chin,
dripping to the ground. The furious blind man throws a

58.

powerful left hook landing flush on Micheals jaw. Michael
hits the pavement hard!
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
You spit on me? What the fuck!
                                                            
                       JES
Just relax old timer, this won't
hurt a bit.
                                                            
Jes reaches out placing his open hand over the mans brow. He
begins smearing the warm milky snot in the mans eyes. The
man opens his baby blues. Rubs them with his fist. Tries to
focus. Then smiles.
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
Oh my god it's a miracle...The
colors they're so bright and full
of light! I can see people and
they look like trees walking
around.
                                                            
                       JES
Really? It worked!
                                                            
                       BLIND MAN
No, not really Umm Jessy. I'm
still blind you dummy.
                                                            
Blind Man walks off with the giggles. The nun pokes her head
out from behind a rock. Snaps a photo and ducks back down.
                                                            
                       PETER
Look, there's a dog limping Jes,
you can heal that poor innocent
wounded dog.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Yeah, nows your chance Jes.
                                                            
                       JES
I can't!
                                                            
                       PETER
The book says remember that God is
on your side...so be the miracle
Jes.
                                                            
                       JES
Fine, but quit saying that.
                                                            
 

59.

INT. WALKING TRAIL / TRACK - DAY
                                                            
Jes walks over to the dog. Starts brushing his head with his
hand, then scratching behind the dogs ear. The dog is in
minor pain but is enjoying the attention. Jes gently
caresses the dogs leg. The beagles tongue falls out of its
mouth. Its eyes roll back in its head. The dog falls stiff
as a board on its side.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
You killed it?
                                                            
                       JES
Holy shit! I killed it? That's
enough of this charade!
                                                            
A LITTLE BOY (11) with a leash comes strolling up the side
walk headed strait for the dog.
                                                            
                       LITTLE BOY
Roscoe! Roscoe! Here boy! Here
Roscoe!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
I think we better get the hell out
of here and quick!
                                                            
Peter and Michael run away and never look back.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARK BENCH - DAY
                                                            
Jes stops at the bench where a homeless man is covered in
newspapers. The headline catches Jes' eye. He grabs the one
covering the mans face. The newspaper has a picture of Jes
with his jaw hanging open that reads "FRAUD."
                                                            
 
EXT. MICHIGAN AVENUE - NIGHT
                                                            
Jes is walking down the endless crowded sidewalk of a rough
downtown neighborhood wearing dark sunglasses and a Black
Sabbath T-shirt. People recognize Jes from the press
conference and newspaper headlines right away. They are
pointing and laughing at him. A Special-Ed short bus is
stopped at a red light when Jes walks by. The special
education children are laughing at him. One pulls down the
window as the bus pulls away.
                                                            
                       SPECIAL EDUCATION STUDENT
RETARD!
                                                            

60.

Jes just shakes his head and keeps moving as other
pedestrians laugh and point at him.
                                                            
 
EXT. HELL'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Jes makes his way along the side walk just outside
"HELL'S KITCHEN." A irrisistibly beautiful hole in the wall
biker bar with custom flames painted along the side of the
building. The patio is full of whiskey drinking bikers.
These SALOONIGANS are skuzzy, tattooed, and frightening. We
see their jackets say "HELLS ANGELS." More than fourty
motorcycles are lined across the sidewalk.
Two half dressed mentally ill looking women both mid to late
fourties spot, move in on, and surround Jes. MAGGY (46)
looks like years of smoking crack has taken it's toll. She
makes a persuasive attempt to seduce Jes with a smile - ALL
GUMS. The second MARION (49) could pass as BOY GEORGE.
He/She follows giving the best come-hither sensual face
drugs will allow.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
Hey, don't I know you?
                                                            
Marion circles around Jes dragging her hand from his chest
all the way to his back. Maggy grabs Jes by the hand.
                                                            
                       JES
I don't think so.
                                                            
                       MARION
Want a ride sexy?
                                                            
                       JES
No, thanks.
                                                            
                       MARION
Oh come on. We'll show you a good
time.
                                                            
                       JES
I said go away!
                                                            
Maggy kisses and sucks on Jes' earlobe. -VERY WET TOO MUCH
SLOBBER!
                                                            
                       MAGGY
You look lost sweetie. Just let us
give you a ride.
                                                            
                       JES
Ahhh...Where you going?
                                                            

61.

                       MAGGY
Where ever you want us to take
you.
                                                            
                       JES
Fine. Take me somewhere
safe...somewhere...anywhere but
here.
                                                            
                       MARION
I know just the place.
                                                            
Maggy puts her fingers in between the missing teeth in her
mouth giving a powerful whistle. The Hells Angels come
running. All firing up their thundering choppers.
The women hop on the back of two bikes. Jes reluctently gets
on the back of a Harley controlled by the leader a long
haired, bearded, beer drinking, beast of a man named "THUMB
SUCKER"

MOMENTS LATER-

EXT. INTERSTATE I-75 - DAY

THE HELLS ANGELS CRUISE DOWN THE ROAD, RIDING NEXT TO
EACHOTHER IN FORMATION AT DANGEROUS SPEEDS. Jes hangs on for
dear life!

Head Nun, Sister Mother Nature, sits back in the distance on
a payphone with a careful eye on Jes and his new friends as
the take off into the dusk.
                                                            
                       HEAD NUN SISTER MOTHER NATURE
It's done.
                                                            
 
EXT. WARE HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The gang of choppers come rumbling in the full warehouse
parking lot- Jes hops off Thumb Suckers customized street
scooter. Thumb Sucker gives Jes a hand shake and a hug
before taking off on the road to nowhere. With Marion and
Maggy on each of Jes' arms they enter the old industrial
building together. The motorcycle club disapears into the
fog.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Sound of soft relaxing music plays through speakers.
Jes stops to stare at a very large insignia across the stage
that has a photo of John Travolta and Tom Cruise smiling in
harmony. We PAN DOWN to find Jes among a large disturbing

62.

looking crowd. Jes sits down in the back of the room next to
the two women he arrived with.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
We're not too late.
                                                            
                       JES
What is this place?
                                                            
                       MAGGY
You're gonna love it here, now
just relax.
                                                            
                       JES
You sure we'll be safe here?
                                                            
                       MARION
Xenu will protect you.
                                                            
                       JES
Isn't that a skin desease?
                                                            
                       MAGGY
Just listen.
                                                            
INTERCUT: INT.- EXT.- STAGE
                                                            
The music UNEXPECTEDLY SWITCHES to the opening beats of
"FACTS OF LIFE" by Lazyboy. The multi-colored spot lights
are modified to look like ALIEN FLYING SAUCER'S. THEY FLIP
ON TO BRIGHT ORANGE and SWEEP ACROSS THE WAREHOUSE. The
atmosphere is suddenly like a "WAYNE NEWTON" concert. R. LON
BLUBBARD (50s) LOWERED FROM THE CEILING BY A HARNESS WEARING
HUNDREDS OF SILK SCARFS AROUND HIS NECK, A RED "MORK FROM
ORK" JUMP SUIT, AND PLAYING A CHILD SIZED GUITAR. HIS FEET
TOUCH THE STAGE HE BEGINGS GYRATING HIS HIPS LIKE "ELVIS THE
PELVIS" The whole crowd starts CHEERING. WOMEN CRYING,
PASSING OUT. ONE LADY TOSSES HER PANTIES ON STAGE.
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
As a preclear group, you are not
yet free of your difficulties and
problems. We are passing out two
cans, these are truth meters. They
will detect when you are telling
the truth during your
confessionals with the auditor.
                                                            
                       JES
What the hell is he talking about?
Cans?
                                                            

63.

                       MAGGY
Shhh. We are going to start the
auditing process.
                                                            
The Speaker pulls another silk scarf from his neck.

Flinging it at the crowd.
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
Many of you during auditing, will
be graced by your memories of
being a sperm or an egg waiting to
be conceived. This is where your
problems began. They were printed
on you at conception in a very
painful way. I remember my first
time as a sperm, it was very
painful as they were writing on
me.
                                                            
R. Lon Blubbard flings a scarf in the air to signal the
indoor Sparklers and Confetti Poppers to GO OFF. The
audience GOES CRAZY. CROWD CHANTING HIS NAME REPEATEDLY
BLUBBARD! Jes looks around the room for a hidden camera.
                                                            
                       JES
This guy is a whack job. Healing
with cans? Remembering being a
sperm? Are you serious?...wait a
minute, this is Scientology isn't
it?
                                                            
                       MAGGY
      (whispers)
Yes, it is, and we take it very
seriously. It's so inspirational.
It's making me hot!
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
Shhhhhhhhh.
                                                            
The crowd quiets.
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
Who dares to speak during my
spiritual rehabilitation?
                                                            
The woman POINTS AT Jes. The space ship spotlight MOTIONS
ACCROSS THE ROOM BEATING DOWN ON Jes.
He is bothered by this.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm out of here.
                                                            

64.

Blubbard elegantly sashay's off the stage and joins Jes in
the back of the room. The flying saucer light following him.
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
Sir. Why do you speak in the
middle of my lecture?
                                                            
Blubbard soflty wraps a scarf around Jes' neck.

Jes nods, at Blubbard's falsehood.
                                                            
                       JES
I was just wondering how you sleep
at night?
                                                            
R. Lon actually believes he is brain washing Jes. As
Blubbard whispers to him, the moment between them becomes
more and more intimate. It should feel like the rest of the
crowd has disappeared.
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
I am a clear. I sleep easily
knowing my thetan is clean.
                                                            
                       JES
Is thetan another word for penis?
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
And who might you be?
                                                            
                       JES
I'm not really sure...My guardians
tell me I'm Jesus.
                                                            
                       R. LON BLUBBARD
      (laughing)
And you're asking me how I sleep
at night?
                                                            
The crowd laughs.

Blubbard grabs Jes by the shoulders PULLING HIM to his feet.
                                                            
                       JES
I know it's funny, I get that alot
lately. Thanks for the crazy alien
meeting, I have to go now.
                                                            
Then placing his hand on Jes' face PUSHING HIM HARD BACK TO
HIS SEAT and the crowd CHEERS.

Soap and Bubbles fly through fans. The Tom Cruise
Look-a-like, Gives Jes a creepy high five.

65.


Maggy stands and grabs Jes' hand.

Leading him to a door in the back of the warehouse that
looks like it was used as office at one point in time.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
Follow me.
                                                            
 
INT. VACANT OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
She enters the room and begins to undress. The room is
completely empty other than a giant antique bed with red
silk sheets and a large wall mirror. Jes sits on the bed.
                                                            
                       JES
What are we doing here?
                                                            
                       MAGGY
I thought maybe we could fool
around a little and see where it
goes.
                                                            
                       JES
Fool around? What? You don't even
know me.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
Don't be so shy. I won't bite or
scrape.
                                                            
The woman moistens her herpe covered lips with her tongue
then slides closer to Jes putting her hand on his thigh. Jes
fidgets around trying to get away.
                                                            
                       JES
Hook up? I don't even know your
name.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
It's Magdelane.
                                                            
                       JES
Is this some kind of joke? Who put
you up to this James?
                                                            
Jes pats the woman on the head giving her a sympathetic
smile.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
Don't worry hun, I'm all paid for.
                                                            

66.

She begins to shred his clothing till he is down to his Star
Wars underoos. He wraps himself in the sheet, then shakes
his head in disgust.
                                                            
                       JES
Paid for?
                                                            
She rips the sheet from his hands, diving on top of Jes
basically out powering him to his back.
                                                            
                       MAGGY
Oh Yes, Take me!
                                                            
Then suddenly --

THE DOOR EXPLODES OPEN

SWARMS of FBI MEN in blue windbreakers with big white
letters -- "FBI" -- descend on the room, guns drawn. They
GRAB Jes and Maggy. COP hustles Jes away.

Jes gets loose and starts to run. FBI MEN are on top of him,
wrestling him down.

Jes STRUGGLES, exchanges a look with Maggy as she's dragged
away.
                                                            
 
INT. MICHAEL'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
The television is on. Michael is lying on the couch eating a
sandwich. Jes is on the T.V. screen being arrested and put
into a squad car. Michael jumps up, and walks closer to the
TV.
                                                            
 
INT. FOX U NEWS STUDIO CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
The phony Jesus Christ superstar
is at it again folks this time
arrested with a Jane Doe aka Lucie
Goosy, in an old abandoned
warehouse believed to be a House
of Scientology. Originally raided
for it's unethical practices. The
Jesus Impersonator and Jane Doe
were found in a side room and are
both suspected of illegal sexual
activities. The arraignment is
tomorrow night at 9pm.
                                                            
 

67.

EXT. COURT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Believers and Non - Believers cover the streets in support
and protest to the news of The Second Coming of Christ being
tried inside. National Guardsmen stand at attention with
their weapons in front of them seperating the two groups.
                                                            
 
INT. COURT - NIGHT
                                                            
The courtroom doors swing open and Michael and Peter see
Jes, in a Twisted Sister T-shirt and Jeans, escorted in
without cuffs by a very intimidating midget sherrif (40's)
and Lucie Goosie. As Jes moves through the gallery, He sees
on his left full of believers worshiping his every move as
if the Pope had arrived, holding up supportive signs, they
all smile.
Five shirtless men have letters painted on their chest that
spells "JESUS" They turn around - "SAVES" Painted on their
back.

On the other side are non - believers also holding up signs,
and middle fingers. - ALL SNARLING AT HIM.

The court bailiff GOLIATH "PIT BULL" NEWTON, (30's) a bald
headed dim-witted hulk of a figure who is actually gentle
and often childlike. Wearing a black uniform. He signals for
the court room to rise for JUDGE LARRY BONE. A good looking
young African American dressed in a traditional black gown.
He makes his entrance into the room by pulling a bouquette
of plastic flowers from his sleeve handing it to a
attractive WOMAN BALIFF in her late twenties.

He pulls a rather large framed photo of his idol Spike Lee
from his other sleeve placing it very carefully onto his
desk.

The Prosecution Attorney Don Fields (49) A gay narcissistic
prosecutor stands next to a evidence table with a T.V.,
V.C.R. and a single V.H.S. tape sitting beside them.
                                                            
                       BAILIFF PIT BULL
Ohh-tay. All rise for the
Honorable Judge Larry Bone.
                                                            
Everyone rises.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
You may be seated.
                                                            
Michael and Peter sneak up to the front of the court and sit
behind Jes. Jes turns around.
                                                            

68.

                       JES
Oh, thank God you guys are here!
This is a terrible
misunderstanding.
                                                            
                       PETER
JES, what the hell happened?
                                                            
                       JES
Nothing happened. Nothing at all.
                                                            
Peter places both hands on Jes' shoulders, tilts his head
near Jes' face. Eye contact, with a soft smile. Jes turns
back around and faces the Judge. The Judge bangs his gavel.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
This court will come to order!
Case number JH-81453 is now in
session. Jesus Harold Shephard,
you are hear by being brought up
on charges by the state, for
solicitation of a prostitute by
paying Miss Lucie Swallows AKA
Lucie Goosy, AKA Lucie Hollars AKA
Lucy Coochie AKA Lucy Balls for
her services. How do you plea?
                                                            
Jes stands facing the Judge giving a half hearted
unconvincing grin.
                                                            
                       JES
My sins are forgiven by the Holy
Father your honor.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
You will just enter a straight
plea, please. First, place your
right hand on the bible--
                                                            
The Bailiff picks up a bible located on the witness stand
seat bringing over to Jes. The Bailiff holds the bible
firmly with both hands. Jes places his right hand on the
bible raising his left.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE (cont'd)
Now do you swear to tell the
truth--
                                                            
                       JES
You know your honor, in the day
and time in which we now live
doing this will not bring any
consequences...
                                                            

69.

                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Try me! I'll have you in contept.
Now do you swear--
                                                            
                       JES
Why do we need to put our right
hand on the Bible and raise our
left hand? How is that different
from putting your left hand on the
book and raising your right hand?
Does putting both hands in your
pockets while being asked
disqualify you somehow?
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Boy you're wearing my patients
very thin and quickly!
                                                            
                       JES
BOY?! Is that a racial slur your
honor? I believe racial remarks
like that are reason alone for a
mis-trial!
                                                            
Visually frustrated.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
If you haven't noticed I'm also
black! So can we get on with this?
Now do you swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth so help you
god?
                                                            
                       JES
(pondering to himself) Yeah, I
thought so too. (speaking in
resentment) That is until I found
out I'm made of African coffee
beans.
                                                            
The Judge's strength being drained with every word that
comes out of Jes' mouth.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
What?!
                                                            
                       JES
Isn't it ironic we swear on the
Holy Bible to ensure truth, in
hopes of helping the court render
a verdict beyond a reasonable
doubt...yet, we cannot confirm the
truth of The Bible beyond a
            (MORE)

70.

                       JES (cont'd)
reasonable doubt? (Directed at
Michael and Peter) Or better yet
even our own Heritage for that
matter?
                                                            
Jes turns giving Michael and Peter a look of absolute
murder.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
      (YELLS OUT)
YOU ARE PROOF MORON!
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Am I missing something? It's
called good faith. Something you
should know a little more about!
NOW HOW DO YOU PLEA!
                                                            
                       JES
I --
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
If anything other than a plea of
guilty or not guilty comes out of
your mouth, YOU WILL be held in
contept and WILL spend the night
in jail!
                                                            
                       JES
Yes, sir. Not guilty.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Where is your representation?
                                                            
Jes looks around the court, the Prosecuting attorney, back
to the Judge.
                                                            
                       JES
      (mumbles)
I was told I could represent
myself sir.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
You do realize by representing
yourself you're giving up your
right to a lawyer?
                                                            
                       JES
Yes, sir.
                                                            
The Prosecuting attorney wearing a cheap two dollar suite, a
very obvious hair piece, and 15 gold chains. He smiles as he

71.

is visibly confident with Jes' choice. Pumping his fist in
victory.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Plaintiff? Do you have an opening
statement?
                                                            
                       PROSECUTER DON FIELDS
Our evidence is proof enough. We
have video footage of the perp in
action.
                                                            
Turns to Peter.
                                                            
                       JES
Purp? Is my skin still purple?
                                                            
Peter looks at Jes telling him to turn around without saying
a word.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
You may proceed.
                                                            
The Attorney goes up to the television and places in a VHS
tape. Hits play then returns to his seat.
We hear various disturbing sounds of grunting and moaning.
Now we see a TV...but the picture isn't clear. Or, more
appropriately, the picture is scrambled -- it phases in and
out. Fluttering Bars scroll across it. And we get occasional
glimpses of what looks like a man and a woman. Very Blurry
and impossible to identify who is on the TV.
                                                            
The Attorney stops the tape and returns to their stand.
                                                            
                       PROSECUTER DON FIELDS
Your Honor. We feel this is ample
evidence against the defendant. He
is clearly the male in this video,
engaging in lude acts with a known
prostitute. This video shows, in
perfect clarity, that this is the
same fraud who claims to be the
messiah, who was clearly the
performer at that less then holy
magic show at the park the other
day.
                                                            
Tackett enters the court room with the same Beta Movie Max
over the shoulder camcorder handing it to The Prosecuter. He
walks back over to the T.V. plugging in the cord. He pushes
a single button on the device. We see Jes and James at the
Church Party smoking Pot from Bongzilla. Jes is turning
partiers water into wine.
                                                            

72.

                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Mr. Shephard, You're very lucky I
don't bring you up on seperate
charges of a illegal bootlegging
operation! Supplying alcohol to
underage minors and possesion and
consumption of marijuana! Not to
mention identity theft of our lord
and savior. Do you have anything
to say in your defense?
                                                            
Jes must respond. Looks at Michael, Looks at the judge, Jes
is under the hotlight and it's uncomfortable. He feels
suddenly sleazy.
                                                            
                       JES
Yes, sir. In my defense, the video
of the party can't be brought as
evidence without positive test
results of the alleged alcohol or
marijuana proving it's
authenticity.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
You know the law I'm impressed
youngman...and the video of you
and Miss Lucy Coochie?
                                                            
                       JES
Yes, sir. In my defense, She tried
having sexual relations with me.
Intercourse. No offense but her
mouth alone looks like a burning
hot layer of jungle rott!
(Refering to herpes) ....not
exactly my type. (Beat)
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Youngman did you or did you not
have sexual relations with this
woman?
                                                            
The Prosecuter suddenly springs up from his seat.
                                                            
                       PROSECUTER DON FIELDS
Objection your honor!
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Overruled.
                                                            
                       JES
NO.
                                                            

73.

                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Son, did you give this woman any
money?
                                                            
                       JES
NO.
                                                            
                       JES
Your honor, may I continue?
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
If you think you have more to add.
                                                            
The Judge quickly studying Jes' sanity but can't quite tell
at this point.
                                                            
                       JES
I only ask you take it easy on
this poor lost woman...I mean who
are you to judge her?
                                                            
The Judge can't take it no longer -- suddenly on his
feet.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
WHO AM I! I AM THE JUDGE OF THIS
COURT SON YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR
TONGUE!
                                                            
He sits back down redfaced trying to cool down.
                                                            
The Attorney jumps to his feet quickly being put in his
place, he sits back down.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Overruled council. Sir, please
finish your statement.
                                                            
Jes shrugs and shakes his head.
                                                            
                       JES
Nothing to add.
                                                            
Jes suddenly looks sick.
                                                            
                       PROSECUTER DON FIELDS
Objection your honor, we have more
evidence to present here. We would
also like to question the
defendant.
                                                            

74.

                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Did you just object my question
councilor? Overruled. I've seen
more than enough already.
                                                            
The Judge slams the gavel on the desk.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Thirty minute recess for lunch.
                                                            
30 MINUTES LATER-
                                                            
                       BAILIFF PIT BULL
Ohh-tay. All rise.
                                                            
Everyone rises, The judge enters, Everyone sits back down.
Judge slams the gavel on the desk.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Case dismissed.
                                                            
                       PROSECUTER DON FIELDS
YOUR HONOR!
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Enough council. This case has
waisted enough of the tax payers
money already. And councilor, if
you raise your voice to me like
that again, I'll hold you in
contempt. Case Dismissed!
                                                            
Judge slams the gavel down.

Jes, Mike, and Peter hug.

The crowd on the right side is cheering and holding up signs
that say things like "WHAT WOULD JES DO", "JES HAVE MY
BABY!", and "JES SAVES",


Other side is jeering and booing and holding up signs that
say "GO TO HELL JES", and " A CLONED JES IS CAUSE FOR
ABORTION".
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
(Serious) Son, I strongly suggest
a therapist.
                                                            
                       JES
      (OUTBURSTING IN
       JOY)
HELLZ YAH!
                                                            

75.

Smiles and turns to leave the court room. He stops turns
facing the Judge with tons of confidence written all over
his face and body language.
                                                            
                       JES
And Judge
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
Yes?
                                                            
                       JES
You should have a little more
faith in me. You know how I roll.
                                                            
Look of confusion.
                                                            
                       JUDGE LARRY BONE
No sir, I do not. How do you roll?
                                                            
Puts both hands in the air, waves then around like he just
don't care.
                                                            
                       JES
      (VERY high pitched
       voice)
HOLY!
                                                            
Jes burst both doors opens strutting out of the court room
followed by Peter and Micheal.
                                                            
 
INT. TYMES OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Cardinal Ramirez and Head Nun Sister Mother Nature, is
sitting with Father Tymes in his office. He takes the snuff
box out of his robes. Opens it, taking a single plastic
toothpick out of it. Places it between his lips. He offers
Father Tymes a toothpick from the box. Tymes declines.
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
      (heavy accent)
You needz to findz the boy, and
keel him Fatheer.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I'm sorry your eminece, keel him.
What is keel?
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
You knowz. Stabs him. Shoosts him.
Beats him with ze pipes. A little
bit hurt himz, but mucho you know?
                                                            

76.

                       FATHER TYMES
Oh kill him. Kill him?! Please
your eminence, don't you think
killing the boy is a little
extreme?
                                                            
                                         CUT TO BEHIND DOOR-
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
SAME TIME -

Jes heads for Father Tymes' office. SUDDENLY HE STOPS WHEN
HE HEARS HIS NAME! Jes stands just outside the closed door
listening in on the conversation.
                                                            
 
INT. FATHER TYMES OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
It must to be done Fatheer. He
makes jokez of the church.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Surely we can give him time to
perfect his skills.
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
Zere is no time. Either her say to
ze world, that he is not ze
zavior, Jezuz Chrizt, or we have
to ahhh, take apart his pieces.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
He is just a boy Cardinal. It
seems, well a little...harsh.
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
You close friend to himz huh? YOU
KILL!
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
No, I'm sorry, but thats just not
going to happen.
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
YOU WILL LEAD LOS GRANADA!
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I'm sorry who?
                                                            

77.

                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
You knowz, my pusse from, what
youz call, oldz school? They will
help you take down the Jezuz
clonez.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I will not take part in this
bishop.
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
I tink dis be enough to change the
mind of you fatheer.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
I can get him to admit he is not
Jesus. Okay? Then we can leave him
alone.
                                                            
Cardinal Ramirez slides a picture of Father Tymes dressed in
a Boys Scout uniform with a shirtless little boy in a pink
ballerina tutu. Tymes picks it up and has a look.
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
I agree, butz, if you failz me,
I'll destroyz you to the worldz.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
You're blackmailing me?
                                                            
                       CARDINAL RAMIREZ
I protect the church Fatheer. The
boy will to be killed. Or you will
be in za prisonment. And blackmail
is razust term Fatheer, you should
knowz better.
                                                            
                       FATHER TYMES
Fine. I'll do it.
                                                            
 
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
SAME TIME -
Jes can't believe his ears. He tries to obsorb the shock. He
looks like scared little boy. HE PANICS SCRAMBLING OUT OF
THE CHURCH LIKE A BAT OUT OF HELL!
                                                            
 
EXT. DOWNTOWN HELL - NIGHT
                                                            
Black/Latino neighborhood in Hell. Bad-looking hombres on
stoops, drug dealers on street corners. Jes is cruising the

78.

streets on his skateboard cold and alone, trying to figure
things out. A man is leaning in his path, smoking a
cigarette. Jes tries making his way past the man who could
easily be mistaken for a hillbilly street pimp. The man
blocks Jes' path stepping infront of him.
A Mugger white man in SKI MASK with a long dirty mullet
hanging out of back of mask, no teeth, is wearing a dirty
T-shirt and jeans held up by rope. Moves closer to Jes.
Suddenly, Tom notices that the man has pulled out a a 9mm.
cannon pointed at Jes' back and that the mugging is
happening infront of his very eyes.
Tom, (60's) White Male, rough looking character, grey hair,
long cowboy style mustache, cowboy hat, wearing a old dirty
faded grey suite and tie, and Ostrich Cowboy Boots held
together with duct tape. He jumps in between Jes and the
armed man. Jes is very frightened. DROPPING HIS SKATEBOARD.
The Mugger points the gun at Tom. Tom begins barking loudly
like a wild dog in heat. Tom starts wagging his head and
making a few convulsive jerks to accentuate the effect. The
Mugger stops in his tracks after about the fifth bark.
                                                            
                       MUGGER
      (thrown off)
Hand it over...You, you looney!?
                                                            
Tom bites his bottom lip as hard as he can breaking the
skin.

Blood pours down his chin.

The Mugger lowers his gun just staring with a look that
shows he's mentally out of gear and unable to respond. As
Tom performs a unmistakable, very clear, fake heart attack;
Jes looks powerfully inspired.
                                                            
The Mugger points the gun between Jes' eyes. Jes looks at
the barrel cross-eyed then pretends to faint hitting the
pavement hard. The Mugger looks completely perplexed and
bewildered as Tom and Jes plays possum on their faces.
                                                            
The Mugger drops the gun and runs off completely confused.
A FEW SECONDS LATER -
Jes and Tom get back to their feet laughing.
                                                            
                       TOM
Not bad kid.
                                                            
                       JES
When you started barking, I
thought he was gonna shit himself!
                                                            

79.

                       TOM
Let's just say he wont be
bothering us anymore.
                                                            
                       JES
Is there any way I can repay you
Sir?
                                                            
                       TOM
Actually Jes -
                                                            
                       JES
You know who I am?
                                                            
                       TOM
Who doesn't. You're a celebrity
among my circle of friends. (Beat)
There is one thing you could do
for me.
                                                            
 
EXT. VACANT INTERSTATE - NIGHT
                                                            
The two walk along the gloomy Godforsaken highway through
the out skirts of town on the road to the forest.
                                                            
                       TOM
      (SINGS AND STRUMS
       GUITAR)
I want a big legged woman with a
big ol' butt. Put one leg on the
kitchen table, one leg on the
floor, put some ham hocks around
her neck and I'll be comin' back
for more...That's all!
                                                            
 
INT. JAMES' BATHROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
HOLD ON James' face as he briskly jerks his pants down and
takes shelter onto the commode. He lets out a ROAR OF RELIEF
as he does his business, then begins to sing DROP IT LIKE
IT'S HOT by SNOOP DOGGY DOG.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (SINGING)
Drop it like it's hot!
Drop Drop it like it's hot!
                                                            
He's still attached to the can when he hears a KNOCK on the
door.
                                                            
 

80.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
A confused John is standing outside the bathroom door.
                                                            
                       JOHN
We gotta find Jes. And hurry up
the guys are downstairs waiting.
                                                            
 
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
Jes harmlessly rest his skateboard against a tree just
before entering the ill lighted pitch black back woods. Tom
leads the way as Jes squeamishly travels behind the
outlandish cowboy into the darkness.
                                                            
 
INT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
Looks like a living quarters or make shift camping /
homeless shelter. There are dirty wine-o's everywhere. It's
obvious these men haven't been cilvilized in years,
appearing almost wild. All drinking some kind of alcoholic
beverage, shopping carts, a 12 pack of cans and garbage bags
of clothing and personal items from their past are scattered
randomly around the fire and brush.

SIMON (39) very sickly looking man and Jes walk around in
discussion.
                                                            
                       SIMON
These are my buds, over there is
Matthew. He speaks in some kind of
jiberish or something, none of us
really know? He's a good man
though.
                                                            
Jes stops, facing Simon.
                                                            
                       JES
Why are you telling me all of
this?
                                                            
                       SIMON
We want to be born again, like
you.
                                                            
                       JES
Born again? I'm not born again.
                                                            
They begin walking again.
                                                            

81.

                       SIMON
Well you were here 2000 years ago,
crucified, resurrected, cloned and
here you are. Doesn't that make
you born again?
                                                            
                       JES
Well, technically. I guess it
would.
                                                            
PHILLIP (80's) little old man, a filthy, complete mess, with
tons of life, and optimism in his one good eye.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
So then forgive us for our sins,
so we can be born again like you.
                                                            
                       JES
Sure why not, your all forgiven!
                                                            
Everyone starts clapping.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Jesus hmmm...I can definitely see
the resemblance.
                                                            
                       JES
I don't understand how.
                                                            
                       TOM
Oh ya, you look just like the
pictures.
                                                            
                       JES
But he's white in the pictures?
                                                            
MATTHEW A DRUNKEN latin looking man. Wife-Beater, Beefy
arms, tattoos, greasy hair. Walks over, Places his arm
around Jes and begins speaking Giberrish.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm sorry Matthew I can't
understand the words coming out of
your mouth.
                                                            
TY THADDEAUS III, (60's) Black man, wearing dirty, army
gear. An ex-Vietnam veteran, and racist to the bone.
Ty pushes Matthew aside, looks very angry, yelling at Jes.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Those are just ridiculous stories
THE WHITE MAN made up out of fear
of empowering a brother. You think
the Masta would have been whooping
            (MORE)

82.

                       TY THADDEAUS III (cont'd)
the black man's ass if he thought
the man he was worshipin' at
church on Sundays was black? Hell
nah, he would have been ducking
lightning bolts if he thought
that. SHEE..IT!
                                                            
                       TOM
I thought he was Arabic?
                                                            
Tom suddenly looks very saddened.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
I'll take a ARA-BLACK over a White
God any day! Shee- it!
                                                            
                       TOM
      (Beat)
Jes, I saved your life back there.
The only thing I ask in return is
bottomless bottles of free wine
for me and all my friends.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm sorry, I don't think so. The
judge said I'd go to jail if I did
that again.
                                                            
SLYDE (20's) dresses in womens drag, sores all over his face
and body, with a long beard and rotted teeth.
                                                            
                       SLYDE
I ain't had a good stiff drink in
hours man!
                                                            
All the wine-o's suddenly full of glee. CHANT- WINE! WINE!
WINE! WINE!
                                                            
                       TOM
      (laughs)
Oh well, we're all court ordered
not to drink.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
You think you could make me a
little Ol' English eight hun'ed?
                                                            
Jes just shrugs his shoulders in confusion.
All the men line up with old cups, empty beer bottles and
even bowls filling them with muddy water from a nearby
puddle. Jes hesitently touches all of the dirty items
sucessfully making wine from the filthy water.
                                                            

83.

Phillip springs up from the ground with his hands streched
high to the heavens.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Can I get a witness!
                                                            
Glyde (30's) White man, SAME long dirty mullett, AS MUGGER
no teeth, is wearing a dirty T-shirt and jeans held up by
rope. Leans over to Tom's ear.
                                                            
                       GLYDE
      (whispers to Tom)
It worked.
                                                            
Tom brushes him off focusing his attention to Jes.
                                                            
                       TOM
What's up Jes?
                                                            
                       JES
Why do you call them Slyde and
Glyde?
                                                            
                       TOM
Cause of certain oral and anal
talents they perform for drugs and
alcohol.
                                                            
                       JES
I don't think you need to share
every detail with me.
                                                            
                       TOM
It's like confession.
                                                            
                       JES
No, no it's not at all like
confession. Not even close. I've
already forgiven all of you, so NO
MORE SHARING! please.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT
                                                            
James is swerving through traffic in the custom Festiva at
dangerous speeds. The Festiva pulls over to the side of the
road. James gets out of the car and props the hatch back
open. He takes out bongzilla. HEADS IN THE DIRECTION OF JES'
SKATEBOARD. Michael, John, Peter, and Bart fearlessly follow
just steps behind.
                                                            
 

84.

INT. FOREST - NIGHT
                                                            
MOMENTS LATER-

Peter, Michael, John, and James reveal themselves from
behind the trees.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Dude, you've gotta quit wandering
off like a runaway train.
                                                            
Phillip springs up from the ground with his hands streched
high to the heavens.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Sweet Jesus!
                                                            
James gives the man a look of insanity. Again springs up
with his hands streched high to the heavens.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Praise the lord!
                                                            
James pushes Phillip away from him.
                                                            
                       JAMES
(About Phillip) What's this guys
fuckin' issue!?
                                                            
Peter steps closer to Jes.
                                                            
                       PETER
You have to tell Tymes you're not
Jesus and we can all move on from
this.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Their gonna skin you alive if you
don't Jes --
                                                            
                       JES
      (Beat)
You're asking me to lie?
                                                            
Again springs up with his hands streched high to the
heavens.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Hallelujah!
                                                            

85.

Leans over and DROPS A BIG, BROWN WAD OF TOBACCO SPIT
                                                            
 
EXT. CAMPFIRE DINNER - NIGHT
                                                            
THE CAMP FIRE BURNS! Simon rushes about, piling on
Presidential campaign posters of George W. Bush.

EXT. FIRE - CLOSER

Slyde darts into the forest and returns dragging a wooden
billboard of George W. Bush. He throws it on the fire. We
see Mr. Bush's face in the light of the fire. Slyde is
joyful and wowed by THE BURNING BUSH. He and Tom jitterbug.
Tom tosses another huge photo on the fire. The picture
splutters and explodes, sending up a huge shower of sparks
that climb and sparkle in the darkness...until they merge
with the stars.

Everyone else sits around the camp fire with hot dogs
attached to sticks roasting their dinner. Ty has a bag of
Shake and Bake dipping, his hot dog in the bag shaking the
hell out of it. He puts his Shake and Bake covered hotdog on
his stick and begins to cook his food.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Simon pass the steak sauce.
                                                            
Simon passes him ketchup.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Tell us about the hooker, Jes. Did
you give her the 1.5 gigawatts of
Jesus juice, or what?
                                                            
Jes doesn't want to talk about this awful experience.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Jigga who!
                                                            
Matthew laughs uncontrollably while he spits out gibberish.
The others just look at him with uncertainty of what the
hell this man is saying.
                                                            
                       JES
I was framed.
                                                            
Again springs up.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
Can I get a thank you Jeeesus!
                                                            
Jes noticibly embarrassed by the topic.
                                                            

86.

MOMENTS LATER-

Everyone lies down around the camp fire trying to get some
sleep. Snuggles close to the fire.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Jes, we're with yah. No matter
what you decide.
                                                            
Simon grabs a shopping cart nearby.
                                                            
                       SIMON
I'm going canning, so I can get a
little cash and try to rebuild my
government shattered life.
                                                            
All the bums still awake, raise their wine glasses and bowls
high. They are now, like it or not, Followers / Disciples of
Jes.
                                                            
Some time later;
Jes falls into a deep sleep.
                                                            
                                         DISOLVE TO:
                                                            
 
EXT. DREAM SEQUENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Jes wakes up, SOMEWHERE IN THE DESSERT DUNES.
There is nothing else around for miles to see. He turns and
looks around for a moment, when he turns back around, a
shadow is standing in front of him with massive amounts of
light pouring in from behind the Man. INSANELY BRIGHT WHITE
LIGHT ILLUMINATES, shining down blinding Jes! The man walks
forward and reveals himself- It is the real Jesus H. Christ.
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Hey. Wake up.
                                                            
                       JES
Sure, could have dimmed it down a
tiny bit though.
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
I'm all there is, and all there
ever was, I am you, and I am
everything all at once and nothing
at the same time.
                                                            
                       JES
Is this a riddle?
                                                            

87.

                       PAST JESUS
I am you, Jesus. I am the light. I
am the way.
                                                            
                       JES
Wait, you're the real Jesus?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
He is I and I is him. You're
giving me a bad reputation young
man. It isn't easy to impress the
entire world two thousand years
later, but it's a job. So enough
with the hippie lettuce, and don't
even get me started on the
perversion.
                                                            
                       JES
Sorry?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
It is time for you to grow my
brother, transform, become a
savior of man.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm
ready. I wasn't givin the powers
you have. I keep messing up!
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Ask and it will be given unto you,
seek and you will find, knock and
the door will be open to you.
Everything you ever ask for, and
will ever ask for has already been
given to you, therefore, there is
no need to ask, seek, or knock, as
you have found, have been given,
and the door is already open.
Nothing is ever denied by the
heavenly universe.
                                                            
                       JES
What are you saying? Is that even
English?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Look, I can understand why you
think you may not be ready
(smiles) I've been there myself.
It's not like I'm an easy act to
follow. But, even Jesus gets
scared. Evil comes in all shapes
            (MORE)

88.

                       PAST JESUS (cont'd)
and sizes. Jes, sometimes in the
form of a Red-Nexican or Father,
do not be decieved.
                                                            
                       JES
Cardinal Ramirez and Father Tymes!
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
What will it profit a man if he
gains the whole world, but loses
his soul? You are everything you
always wanted to be. All you have
to do is move into that reality.
Have a little faith, and faith
will have you.
                                                            
                       JES
What am I going to do then? What
about the people from the church?
What do I do about them?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Let him who is without sin, cast
the first stone.
                                                            
                       JES
Are you telling me let them attack
first?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Fight not young one, they will
persecute you, but you will not
retaliate. Ye must have faith in
the true Father, then people will
have faith in his son.
                                                            
Jes scratches his head.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm supposed to just stand there
then, and let them wail on me?
Should I give them what they want
and just tell them I'm not Jesus?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
You will be who you are at any
given moment now. If you are who
God made you when you face them,
then you can never be wrong in
your identity.
                                                            

89.

                       JES
So basically your telling me I
either be Jesus, or Jes.
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Greater is he that is in you, then
he that is in the world.
                                                            
                       JES
What? Your confusing me. Are you
talking about my soul? Wait...do
clones have souls? Do we share a
soul?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
Live in me, and let me live in you
says the lord, We are one in the
same, all part of the same whole.
We are all life, and life is the
gift of God, God is life and God
is love, and if love is God, and
God is life, then life is God, and
if we are apart of life, then we
are one with God. You and I, are
one in the same. This is the true
message of God.
                                                            
                       JES
That actually made sence.
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
The Kingdom of Heaven is inside
you and it is outside of you.
Split a piece of wood and I am
there, lift up a stone and there
you will find me...I will never
leave you alone in your fight.
                                                            
                       JES
What do I do when they try to hurt
me? Use my powers?
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
The Lord is your light in darkness
and salvation, whom shall you
fear? The Lord is the strength of
your powers, who shall you be
afraid? Do not fear? Give thanks
and forgive your enemies.
                                                            
                       JES
That's it?
                                                            

90.

                       PAST JESUS
Rebuild the faith in us; lift up
your heart to the Lord.
                                                            
                       JES
But, I keep Messing up!
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
If you bring forth what is within
you, what you bring forth will
save you.
                                                            
                       JES
Fine. I'll Try.
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
There is no try, only do, or do
not.
                                                            
                       JES
Alright, Alright! Stop lecturing
me! I said I'd do it...Talk about
peer pressure.
                                                            
                       PAST JESUS
NOW WAKE UP YOU SON OF A BITCH,
CAUSE JESUS LOVES YA'!!!
                                                            
                                         DISOLVE TO:
                                                            
 
INT. FOREST - DAY
                                                            
James is smacking him in the face yelling.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Wake up stoner! Your friend Glyder
is freaking me out man.
                                                            
                       JES
I'm up, I'm up. He's fine James,
forget about him. I have to tell
you about my dream.
                                                            
Jes gets up.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Why? Was it a wet one.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Dream. Hmph. Now Martin Luther
King Jr. That was a man with a
dream!
                                                            

91.

                       JES
I saw my, well, myself I guess.
                                                            
                       PETER
You saw what?
                                                            
                       JES
My past self, You know the older
version.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Was he white?
                                                            
                       JES
Yah.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Don't listen to him if he was
white. Cracka's don't know shit.
He's definitely an impostor,
everyone knows Jesus was a Brotha.
They say he walked in Egypt, and
Egypt is on the continent of
where? AFRICA! My young brotha.
                                                            
Matthew speaks to Jes, everyone else hears Gibberish and
just stares at him without a clue. For the first time the
words are crystal clear to Jes.
                                                            
                       MATTHEW
      (Gibberish)
I'm not speaking Gibberish, it's
tongues. God visited me and told
me you were coming. I have been
waiting 18 years to meet you Jes.
He wants you to know your ego is
not your amigo. Be humble you have
disciples now. (hysterically
laughs like a lunatic) Jes we've
(The wine-o's) all taken a vote,
and we got your back as long as
you got ours. (meaning wine)
                                                            
                       JES
What did God say for me to do?
                                                            
                       MATTHEW
He said Father Tymes is a Jack-Ass
like Judas. That like an elephant,
God never forgets...But Jesus
always forgives.
                                                            

92.

From this second, Matthew is lifted from speaking tongues
and now speaks perfect Spanish.

Problem is no one else speaks Spanish. Poor guy is back
where he started.
                                                            
                       JES
I actually understood everyword.
                                                            
                       JAMES
When did you learn Mexican?
                                                            
                       JES
Mexican?
                                                            
                       MATTHEW
mejicano? hacer tú no comprender?
el Dios por favor la ayuda me!
el ascensor esto curse!
                                                            
Everyone looks at him like it's still Gibberish.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Look Jes, get some rest man.
Tomorrow we tell Tymes you're not
Jesus and we get the hell out of
dodge!
                                                            
                       JES
No, today, we face them, tomorrow
we tell them who I really am!
                                                            
                       JAMES
YAH!
                                                            
                       JES
It's time to go be the miracle!
                                                            
SUPER IMPOSE; 40 DAYS LATER.
Everyone follows Jes out of the wilderness.

As they come out of the trees, they enter into a cityscape.

They are walking out of a tiny patch of trees and bushes
into the city.

They walk up the side walk down onto the freeway.
                                                            
 
INT. HOSPITAL - CANCER WARD - CONTINUOUS - DAY
                                                            
Jes and his disciples walk through the hospital to a little
girl (7) wearing a gown with no hair on her head. She looks

93.

very frail, soft smile, innocent eyes, looks up at Jes.
Beautiful NURSE (20) frantic. Comes to see what is
happening.
                                                            
                       NURSE
Sir, we can't have these men here.
The hospital has to remain
sterilized.
                                                            
Tom reaches for her hand in a flirtatious manner. She jumps
back, walking away slowly backwards never taking her eyes
off him.
                                                            
                       TOM
Don't worry I'm not sterol, I
donate next door twice a week.
Strong swimmers here!
                                                            
The nurse shakes her head and walks off.
                                                            
                       JES
I don't know if I can do this,
remember the dog.
                                                            
Slyde steps closer to the Nurse.
                                                            
                       SLYDE
Nurse? Can I get some medical
attention?
                                                            
                       NURSE
What do you need sir?
                                                            
Slyde grabs his crotch firmly, then shakes it.
                                                            
                       SLYDE
These babies are SICK! (smiles)
Can you nurse them back to health!
                                                            
James loves the joke so much, he gives Slyde a high five.
Michael places his hand on Jes' shoulder giving him full
support.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Just forget the dog! Look at this
little beautiful little girl. She
needs you, AND THAT'S ALL THAT
MATTERS JES!
                                                            
                       PETER
You can do it Jes!
                                                            

94.

                       JES
Call me JESUS!
                                                            
Jesus shuts his eyes. Smacks his hands together like Mr.
Miyagi then Places his hands on her head. Hair begins
GROWING AT RAPID SPEED from everywhere! IT WON'T STOP. The
hospital employees are stunned. Doctors stand dumbfounded:
Nurses eyes tear up, as the witness a MIRACLE. Placing their
hands over their hung wide opened mouths. The girl looks
like "COUSIN IT". Jesus and his disciples rush away entering
the closest room.
                                                            
INT. PATIENTS ROOM MOMENTS LATER-
Jesus and his Disciples walk into a room that is divided by
a curtain. LUKE (40) in a hospital gown is sitting on his
bed. He is startled by everyone bursting in. He looks weak,
tired, and like he has given up.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Sir, I am here to heal you from
your disease.
                                                            
                       LUKE
How do you think you will do that
short of a miracle? I'm in stage
three and waiting to die.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Than a miracle it shall be.
(smiles) Now just tell me what
type of cancer you have. I will
lay my hands apon you and the
cancer shall leave your body.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Testicular.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Hallelujah!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Ohh shit! (laughs) Now's your
chance Jes...I mean Jesus. Lay
your hands on his butter balls,
you heard the man, heal 'em.
                                                            
Jesus shakes his head mumbling to himself "Figures" The man
drops his gown. Jesus gently touches his GIGANTIC SWOLEN
testicles. Back to normal size. Luke still naked hugs Jesus,
who tries backing away from the affection.
                                                            

95.

                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Can I get a witness!
                                                            
Jesus washes his hand thoroughly while dry heaving in the
sink. He gets back his composure and exits the room followed
by his Disciples.
                                                            
                       PHILLIP
      (shouting)
Hallelujah!
                                                            
Jesus looks at Phillip as to say not another word.
                                                            
 
EXT. TELEVISION REPAIR SHOP - DAY
                                                            
They're walking down the side walk when they pass a T.V.
repair shop. A news report in the window catches Barts eye.
He stops, then motions everyone to the window.
                                                            
 
EXT. TELEVISION SHOP - DAY
                                                            
In the window they see News Anchor, Andrew Woodberry giving
a Breaking News Report.
                                                            
                       ANDREW WOODBERRY
This is ANDREW WOODBERRY WITH
BREAKING NEWS....The Jesus Christ
superstar heals cancer! Blood
results are in. Apparently just by
placing his hands on her head, he
healed the eight-year-old little
girls' Cancer. The doctor says
"Other than looking like Teen Wolf
or Alf, the girl is now 100%
healthy." Well, there you have it
folks The Second Coming is here!
I'm ANDREW WO.....
                                                            
                       DISCIPLES
      (cheering!)
YOU DID IT, ALRIGHT!
                                                            
Jesus and his Disciples continue walking to the park.
                                                            
                       BART
You know, sometimes I wonder if
Chewbacca and Harry from "Harry
and the Hendersons" had an affair
together would they give birth to
a Ewok?
                                                            

96.

                       JESUS
Chewie was a loving husband of
Mallatobuck, and a great father of
Lumpawaroo, but because he was a
male, maybe his sister Kallabow
might be a better fit for Harry.
                                                            
                       BART
That's a stellar question. You
should ask the Big man up stairs.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Ewoks live high among the trees,
so I'd have to say they're
possibly more likely a distant
cousin to Alvin in the Chipmunks?
                                                            
                       JESUS
I'm gonna ask God that and get
back with you.
                                                            
 
EXT. - INT. - LAKE ERIE - DAY
                                                            
Jesus and his Disciples are at the lake, located directly
next to the church. The Disciples hop inside a fishing boat
on the dock. They begin to paddle out incase Jesus doesn't
succeed.
                                                            
                       PETER
You can do it Jesus.
                                                            
Jesus begins to nervously tip toe into the lake. Then begins
to jog. Finally confident, he progresses to a full sprint!
Jesus is now about 200 yards from the shore. He watches a
fishing boat as he whizzes past, kicking up massive waves,
smashing against the boat. Still in full sprint, he slides
on his knees with hands in the air, water shoots back all
over him soaking his entire body. Jesus dips his head in the
Lake and pulls out a GIANT FISH WITH HIS MOUTH! He tosses it
in the boat. He stands on top of the lake. Everyone is
cheering. Jesus begins singing the theme song to Greatest
American Hero."Believe it or not, I'm walking on air" Jesus
does the Funky Chicken and a Moon Walk with a spin.

AFTER A FEW SECONDS -

Jesus extends his hand to Peter. Peter steps out on top of
the water, he is triumphant. He begins walking toward Jesus,
then looks down at his feet and out of fear he slowly starts
to sink in the water like quick sand. Jesus grabs Peter by
the wrist rescuing him from the water, picking him up and
carrying him in his arms. Jesus steps inside the fishing

97.

boat sitting down next to Ty with Peter still in his arms,
like a baby.
                                                            
 
EXT. WOODS - DAY
                                                            
Jesus and his Disciples are in a clearing. Jesus is standing
in front of a pile of lumber and a toolbox.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Now, this is the one thing I won't
be able to pull off with or
without God on my side.
                                                            
                       SIMON
Give it a shot, look at all you've
already done.
                                                            
                       JESUS
O...okay.
                                                            
Jesus is sawing and nailing away...Suddenly he stands, wipes
the sweat from his brow. Smiles. Revealing a set of wooden
teeth. They're much larger than normal size teeth. Everyone
claps. He walks over to Slyde. Hands him the teeth. Slyde
puts them in his mouth and smiles. A single tear falls from
his eye.
                                                            
                       TOM
What a great carpenter!
                                                            
                       JESUS
It was nothing...really! Ooooh
okay your right, your right.
                                                            
Jesus takes a bow. Bart looks at Ty, hesitates to speak to
the angry looking man wanting to tell the veteran he is
greatful.
                                                            
                       BART
      (clears throat)
So Ty, what did you do after the
war?
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
      (bitter)
I worked for the C.I.A. I was like
a Double-O-Negro.
Why? Who's asking?
                                                            
Bart points at Michael who doesn't have any idea what is
happening. He smiles and waves. Ty looks at him like he's
gonna kill 'em.
                                                            

98.

                       BART
      (Feels threatened)
Oh...That guy over there wanted to
know. Talk to you later.
                                                            
 
INT. CHUCK E. CHEESE - NIGHT
                                                            
The resturaunt is alive with the noise of multiple families
and the scent of freshly baked pizzas. Kids of all ages
laughing, playing and simply enjoying the whole experience.
They jump, climb and play on the games, taking advantage of
all the rides and attractions Chuck E. Cheese's has to
offer. While some play the coolest video games and high tech
simulator rides, others enjoy the Skytubes while the little
ones relish themselves on the kiddie rides.

Jesus' Disciples - There's twelve Disciples and Jesus now
makes thirteen - Sitting around a big dining room table,
reserved special for the "LAST SUPPER". The table is located
directly next to the garden fresh salad bar..
                                                            
There is one slice of pizza and several pitcher's of water
on the table. Jesus waves his hand over the food. HUNDREDS
OF SLICES MIRACULOUSLY APPEAR! The waitress (15) notices the
table covered in pizza slices and whole pies. She begins
counting them while writing on her notepad. Peter passing
the pizza platters around. Jesus, at the head of the table,
clearly loves having them all here.
                                                            
                       PETER
A toast! To Jesus and all his hard
work! May God bless all this
wonderful feast Jesus has created
for us all on this day!
                                                            
                       DISCIPLES
JESUS! JESUS! JESUS! JESUS!
                                                            
Jesus taps his paper cup with a knife. All the cups and
pitchers of water MAGICALLY TURN TO WINE!
                                                            
                       JESUS
I would like to say something.
                                                            
                       SLYDE
He wishes to speak. SHHHHHHH. But
first, a word from our sponsor, I
just shit myself!
                                                            
                       GLYDE
Solid or liquid?
                                                            

99.

                       JESUS
This may be our last supper
together. Tomorrow, we face our
enemies with our faith and love.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Did that guy just say he shit his
pants?
                                                            
                       BART
Wait, how do any of you feel about
eating next to these guys? Never
mind a last supper, how about a
last bath! At least take them out
and hose them off or something.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Pretty sure, he shit himself.
                                                            
                       JESUS
It has taken alot of growing up. A
lot of hard work. But because of
all of you, I have managed to
become the Savior you had all
hoped for.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
There is no doubt this guy has the
squirts, I can smell it from over
here...Oooh God!
                                                            
                       JESUS (cont'd)
You are my disciples. You are my
friends. Some of you will follow
me blindly.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hello? Is anyone else besides
myself a little bothered by the
fact this guy just pinched a loaf
in his pants?
                                                            
Jesus lifts a slice of pizza in front of them. The homeless
disciples are holding themselves back. Slyde and Glyde are
mesmerized by the one-of-kind, animated variety stage show
starring the King of Cool himself, Chuck E. Cheese.

Joining Chuck E. is his good friends and fellow band members
Helen Henny, Jasper T. Jowls, Mr. Munch and Pasqually.
The concert is rocking the entire audience, tons of children
gather around the characters singing along and dancing to
the music. SOMEONE PUT IN A SPECIAL REQUEST THE SONG JESUS
LOVES ME CAN BE HEARD.
                                                            

100.

                       JESUS (cont'd)
This is my body. All of you take
it, and eat it.
                                                            
They pass the slice of pizza around the table. The bums
ravage it like it was their first and last meal. One stops
eating for a moment.
                                                            
                       GLYDE
Hey, this has pepperoni on it, we
can't eat this it's Friday! My
wife left me on a friday.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Nigga eat it! It's a free meal you
stupid ass cracka. I met your ex,
and that sounds like one good ass
friday to me!
                                                            
                       TOM
WHOA! TY, there are kids around.
Enough with the language.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
Now who the hell do you think you
is, The Good Ship Lollipop! Sit
down and shut your damn
hole...White eyed devil.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Just eat it, all of you, this is
my body.
                                                            
                       SIMON
But TY, the book says we can't eat
meat on Friday! Even if it was a
good ass friday.
                                                            
                       JESUS
I'm the friggen Lord man! Just eat
what I tell you! Now...
                                                            
Ty Thaddeus takes a bite of the pizza then passes it to
Peter.
                                                            
                       JOHN
Guys, excuse me, am I the only one
being effected by the smell of
this man's shit? I can taste it!
Like, he shit in my mouth.
                                                            

101.

                       PETER
There is no way I'm eating after
that man!
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
It's cause I'm black huh honkey!
                                                            
                       PETER
No! It's because you're a dirty
bum and you smell like urine.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Enough! Hobo's are people too.
                                                            
Jesus holds up his glass of wine.
                                                            
                       MATTHEW
Actually the politically correct
word is "BUM", we don't care too
much for the term "HOBO".
                                                            
                       JESUS
Oh...This is my blood. All of you
take it and drink it. For you
shall share with me the Kingdom of
Heaven.
                                                            
Jesus passes the cup around. Everyone sips from the cup.
Simon passes that cup to James. James STARES into the cup.
He sees's something floating in the wine. He looks over at
TY and notices a HUGE COLD SORE on his face. He pretends to
drink and dumps it onto the floor then passes it off.
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Why did you do that?
                                                            
                       JAMES
There was a floaty in it man. And
half these guys haven't held a
toothbrush in years. Besides look
at the size of that cold sore on
Ty's face! You wanna drink it, be
my guest, but I ain't drinking
shit after these dudes.
                                                            
                       JOHN
I understand completely.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Hey Jes...I mean Jesus.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Yeah James?
                                                            

102.

                       JAMES
I don't know about biblical
times...but today in my time
there's a little thing called cold
sores, herpes, swine flu, and
Tuberculosis! I ain't drinkin'
after any of these scum bags!
                                                            
The homeless disciples all nod in agreement to James'
surprise. James pours himself a separate glass then raises
it high to toast the occasion
                                                            
                       JAMES
Here's to drinkin' with Bi-Sexual
women!
                                                            
                       JESUS
How about...here's to drinkin'
with religious women.
                                                            
They dig into their large feast.

AFTER THE LAST SUPPER -
They are all sitting around the table. Slyde has pizza sauce
all over his face and hands. He turns to Peter and just
stares at him.
                                                            
                       PETER
Stop staring at me I'm trying to
eat.
                                                            
                       SLYDE
I was thinkin' bout killin'
myself.
                                                            
                       PETER
What? Why?
                                                            
                       SLYDE
Something to do.
                                                            
                       PETER
What is wrong with you people?
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
YOU PEOPLE?
                                                            
                       PETER
I wasn't talking to you. Someone
explain who and how these guys are
going to help us again.
                                                            

103.

Ty unbuttons his pants exposing his full belly grabbing the
attention of John.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
      (Nods at John)
I sure could go for a Niggarette
'bout now.
                                                            
                       JOHN
A what?
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
      (angry)
(says as if John should know this)
A Newport cigarette fool.
                                                            
The waitress drops the check next to Jesus. He slides it
over to Michael. Who then passes it to Peter. Who looks and
just shakes his head as he is clearly being stiffed.
                                                            
                       PETER
TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS? They charged
me for all the pizza Jesus made!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
I have an idea, lets take a quick
picture of all of us together.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Yah! Come on guys, everyone get in
here!
                                                            
The twelve men and Jesus all sit back down at the long
table. Arguing and pushing over who will sit next to Jesus.
Peter is setting up the camera. Everyone eventually finds
their places.
                                                            
                       PETER
Okay guys! Get ready!
                                                            
Peter runs around the table, trips next to Jesus' shoulder
right as the camera goes off. Peter retrieves the camera and
shows Jesus the picture.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Hmmm, Funny, kinda looks like the
old last supper picture Father
Tymes has hanging in the church.
                                                            
                       PETER
Does, doesn't it?
                                                            

104.

                       JESUS
Let's go have some fun Pete.
                                                            
The Chuck E. Cheese mouse walks over. Glyde gets up and hugs
him almost tackling him to the floor.
                                                            
                       GLYDE
I love you Mighty Mouse!
                                                            
                       MICHAEL
Thats not...
                                                            
                       JESUS
Let it go Mike. Let it go.
Everyone, go have some fun!
                                                            
Everyone goes running off except Peter and Jesus.
                                                            
                       PETER
Jesus wait, I want to give you
something.
                                                            
                       JESUS
What the check? I left my wallet
at home...
                                                            
Jesus opens the box and sees a pair of Nike sandals and a
old toga.
                                                            
                       PETER
From my party days in college. I
Figured if your gonna play the
part, you might as well look it.
                                                            
Jesus holds the toga up to his body measuring the size.
                                                            
                       JESUS
Awww Pete! These are great man.
Thank You.
                                                            
                       PETER
Now let's go have some fun! Race
you to the balls!
                                                            
Peter and Jesus run off. Jesus cannonballs into the ball
pit. Slyde and Glyde chase a frightened child around the
restaurant.
                                                            
                       SLYDE
Hey Kid! Got tokens?? Any money? I
swear I just want a quarter!
                                                            

105.

                       GLYDE
Two Quarters! Two Quarters please
kid?!?! KID STOP!
                                                            
Ty, Simon, Matthew, and Tom are all fighting over the scraps
off the supper table. James and John are playing craps with
a couple of little boys (5 - 10).
                                                            
                       JOHN
I WIN!
                                                            
                       JAMES
Pay up kid.
                                                            
                       LITTLE BOY
I don't have any more tokens
mister.
                                                            
                       JAMES
The Mickey Mouse watch then.
                                                            
                       LITTLE BOY
But...Santa gave me this watch
sir.
                                                            
                       JAMES
Pay up kid. The watch! You don't
want this to get physical, do you?
                                                            
The boy hands John the watch. John holds the watch up in
triumph. Parents in the background are gathering up their
children, and family by family exits the building.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAKE ERIE METRO PARK - DAY
                                                            
SUPER IMPOSE; JUDGEMENT DAY!
                                                            
Jesus is wearing his new robe and sandals. His beard is long
and very patchy it is a reddish-brown color. Peter and
Michael stand next to him. James, John, Bart, and the
homeless men are all standing nearby giving the thumbs up
sign.
                                                            
                       PETER
This is crazy. How do we even know
they're going to show up here?
                                                            
                       JESUS
Well for starters, the park is
next door to the church.
                                                            

106.

                       MICHAEL
Maybe they quit looking?
                                                            
                       PETER
Lets all be honest here. Besides
getting bullied, has anyone other
than James ever been in a real
fight?
                                                            
 
EXT. TRINITY ANGELS CHURCH - KITCHEN WINDOW - DAY
                                                            
Father Tymes - shirtless - carries a tray of devil and angel
food cake when he spots Jesus out the window in the park. He
scrambles out of sight to gather Cardinal Ramirez and his
Religious Hitmen.
                                                            
 
EXT. LAKE ERIE METRO PARK - DAY
                                                            
They all stand around in a circle with there heads down. Ty
steps forward.
                                                            
                       TY THADDEAUS III
You must suffer from
"SOME TIMERS DESEASE" or you is
just plain stupid, motherfucka. I
was in Viet- fuckin'- Nam! I
didn't see God knee deep in
Charlie's nutts and butts, feeding
on shit and spit, just to get his
daily vitamins, you feel me? God
didn't do that shit I didz! If the
VietCON government couldn't kill
my black ass, and our own U.S.
government couldn't kill my black
ass, ain't no Father Tymes gonna
whoop any of your white asses long
as I'm around. Feel me?
                                                            
Everyone deeply moved by Ty's motivational speech.
                                                            
ALL CONTINUOUS -
James climbs the tree, he is standing on a limb trying to
get a far distance look as to who is coming, what direction,
and when, so they won't be surprise attacked. James suddenly
stops laughing and points.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (SHOUTS)
SOMEONE IS COMING!
                                                            

107.

                       JESUS
Get ready everyone.
                                                            
                       JAMES
      (from a tree
       nearby)
HOLY SHIT? THERE'S A SHIT LOAD OF
NUNS