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My ASSU Life
by Kalki (say2kals@gmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Drama   User Review: ***1/2
My ASSU Life is a TV series that is intended to hover around the Journey of an Indian intellect student in America, as he tries to live his version of Hollywood life style, while maintaining remarkable skills to over come day to day life unexpected scenarios. He portrays himself as a bad ass guy with need to perfect everything in life, because of which he is always stepping over the lines and makes a lot of enemies. It is a drama with a sense of delusional fantasy.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



"Make sure every episode ends with a call for help to
different causes in the world." The purpose of the series is
to entertain and to teach the way of living your life in a
way that makes every moment count.

Kalki steps out of the air-port terminal, waiting for his
brother Kishore to pick him up, a 30yrs old, indian male,
software engineer.

Kishore get's out of the car and gives Kalki a big long hug,
looks at him with proud glaring eyes.
Wow! tere ko dekhe kitnaa time ho
gayaa saale. Mast lag rahaa hai.
Body shody banna li, kyaa baat
hai, miya khaan? Chaal samaan
dikki main daal de.
Kalki put's his luggage in the trunk as Kishore helps him
with it and then they take off from the airport. On their
way to home..
You are quite back there. Ain't
you happy to be here.
I am big brother, it is just, I am
kind of over-whelmed about this
whole change. Mami, papa, dost,
pankhuri sab piche chut gaye. This
will be a totally different world
for me. Just trying to decide, did
I make a mistake?
Bakwaas choodh saale. Chodu, bhabi
ke haath ka khaanaa khake sab bhul
jayega. Romeo banne chaalaa hai.
Let's hope so. I have a lot on
stake here. Everyone expects a lot
from me.


Waah saari duniyaa ka bhoj tujh
bichaare ke kandhon par hai. Abe
oh ashik, yahaan lafde maat
karnaa. Saale ddlj se door hi
Bole toh drugs, daaru aur ladki,
ko agar haath bhi lagaaya na, toh
ghar waapis. Romoe girri nahi
chaiye yahaan pe aur waise bhi
yahan ladkiyaan wassi hai bhi
nahi. Padhai kar, maje kar, degree
le aur ban ja software programmer,
meri tarah. Papa ne ladki dekh
rakhi hai tere liye. Aur agar
tunne phir se sadhu mahatmaa baane
ki koshih ki. Toh teri jaat ka.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
They get to home, where Nandini (26yrs old), Kishore's wife
comes out to welcome them, She works form home.
Aur subu bhaiya kaise ho aap? Mere
ashiq, miya gallib.
Nandini bhabi (he hugs her really
tight) Kitne dino baad dekha apko.
Abhi bhi item ho. (They both burst
into laughter & tears.)
You are crazy, missed you so much
my sweet heart.
They all walk inside the house. Kishore shows him his room.
Then they had some food. Kishore leaves because he has to go
to work. Giving Kalki some money to spend and go visit the


Kalki is really nervous about it. So he confronts Nandini
with his questions.
So bhabi. I am feeling nervous
about going to a US college, what
I heard back in India is most of
the people are weird. Guys are
mostly gay and girls are too much
of a sluts. People don't have any
taste for class.
Aisa bhi nahi hai re. They are not
all gay, but most of them are (she
is playing with his insecurities),
and I know you are a straight kid,
will be fun for you. But girls are
mean here, girl - STD for sure. it
is ASU dude, what else you
expected. (She notices him
freaking out).
I am just kidding. You will have
Wah bhabi, dewar ke baadi fikaar
hai aap ko.
Chal huth badmaash kahinka.
Tomorrow is my orientation day,
would you please drop me to
Yeah! Why not?
                                         TIME LAPSE FOR
He goes to bed, fall's into a deep sleep....nope because of
jet lag and excitement, he stays up all night. Finally he
fall's asleep for a bit in the morning and straight into


                                         DREAM LAND -
Nandini drops him off to the college. Gives him a small hug
and kiss on the cheeks. He is walking tall, chicks checking
him out. A really hot girl is waiting on the front desk to
welcome him. episodic noise to convey that this is a dream
and it is about to shatter into pieces. But it is not, this
is all real he is kind of a cool guy, who is already getting
some heat.
As he approaches the front desk, Chrissy, A fine young, 32
year old American Girl Next Door. is waiting to welcome him
to the college, the transition is in slow motion, they are
making eye contact, neither could look away. As he get's
closer, he notices that her jaw is dropping. She gets a hold
of her self.
Hey stranger! (Lusty voice)..
Ahmm... I Mean... Hi I am Chrissy,
I will be your student
co-ordinator here at ASU. You can
come and visit me any time, for
any help with curriculum,
questions, problems etc. And you
must be...
      (Shy, nervous,
       polite and gentle
       with a barely
       audible voice.)
Kalki Khaira... (put's his hand
out for a shake.)
What again? You have to be a bit
Kalki Khaira, the guy from
Yeah! That doesn't help, look
around we have a big Indian
community. You will feel right at
home. What is your entrollment


                       CHRISSY (cont'd)
Thanks! This way please.
The orientation will begin in 15
minutes. Meanwhile, you should
seat yourself.
Room is filled with all sorts of people and nationality. The
boys to girls ratio is quite low. It is already divided into
different communities nationality wise, interest wise like
geeks, goth, jocks, plastics, cheer leaders, girl next door,
nerds, Indians, japaneese etc. Kalki puts a huge smirk on
his face and walks towards the only open bench left in the
back, trying to ignore everyone, even a group of Indian
In a bit Pankhuri walks into the room. She shares her name
with Kalki's dream girl in India. 20 years old, proud, sweat
heart with attitude problem. Typical Aishwarya Rai
character. Looks around for a spot around any other Indian
girls, but sadly there are none, so as her only option, she
walks towards Kalki.
      (Hesitant and
Hi! Can i sit with you?
Yeah! Sure, why not?
      (After akward
Apka naam?
Pankhuri, but friends call me
      (With a huge fat
       smile on his
WOW! what are the odds, my girl
friend in India had the same name.
I am Kalki but you can call me


                       KALKI (cont'd)
saiyan. (He burst into laughter,
while she feels akward first, then
then realizes that he is just
kidding, put's a fake smile on her
face, followed by a blush)
Toh aap khaan se hai mauhtarmaa?
Hmm... Urdu. Ji main rajisthan se
hun, aur aap I am guessing, just
guessing, from romeo gully of
Kalki get's super amazed, as she knew the name of his city,
but even before he can react to it, an American girl,
Angelica, Typical american bond girl. Gorgeous, blunt and
classy. walks into the room and followed by her search for a
open spot walks towards the bench where these two were
Kalki and Angelica makes eye contact, while pankhuri tries
to ignore her. He tries to check her confidence level and as
she acknowledges it, he raise his hand forward for a shake,
she makes the gesture, so gentley kisses her hand.
Bande ko Kalki kehte hai.
      (As she gives him
I mean, Kalki Khaira.
      (Raises her eye
Angelica, I thought chivalry was
dead. you are an odd one.
Yeah! I know, because I am not
from around here. (She just smiles
back, implyig I know what you
As Angelica sits next to him, Pankuri get's jealous, but she
doesn't want to fight for his attention. Kalki drives his
whole attention to Angelica, while pankhuri feels offended,


thinks that he is a rascal and have no respect for his
The orientation session finishes and they are asked to move
out of the classroom for a campus tour.
The group is lead by a 35 years old hot crugar, Samantha.
Kalki sticks around with the two girls.
As they walk down the corridor, he notices that there are
two chicks making out in a class room.
                       KALKI (In a hurry)
      (As he tries to
       get out of the
I will be right back with you
Both the girls make an awkward eye contact, as they have
nothing to say to each other, while Kalki make a run for the
room. He is running into a trap, which is an ASU tradition
to mess with new bees. As he was about to enter the
classroom, 2 chick get in his way, telling him to knock it
off and then he get's pushed around a bit by two dudes,
finally thrown out of the room.
He end's up running into Vincent Chase and his buddies.
Quaterback of the football team, Head of Jocks at ASU/ party
boy/rich guy/arrogant prick/a complete white trash/son of
CEO of Chase bank.
Look where you are going bastard,
you asshole come to my country and
think you can just do whatever you
feel like. You take our money, our
women and use our country like
whore. Don't ever get in my way
again you ass-licking, fuck face,
call center dude.
Kalki is calm, but nervous. He tries to apologize, He gets
more and more nervous as Vincent and his friends starts
closing him down. Vincent with his raising rage, put's a
finger on his forehead.
      (Getting angry
       because of the
I said, i am sorry, wouldn't
happen again. but take your finger


                       KALKI (cont'd)
of me.
Or what? you gonna fight me. Huh!
I am watching you mother fucker.
      (His jaw clenches)
Watch your fucking mouth, white
      (Punches him right
       in the face.)
Oh yeah!
Kalki get's knocked out straight ahead, we potray that
blacks out, he is no big, shot just a typical week losser,
the whole good jolly feeling is sucked out of his life.
But that is not the case, he get's back on his feets.
Performs a crazy miltary style knock out move on Vincent,
with a face burst in the ground, leaving him with a busted
Told you not to push me, and never
ever insult my family again.
Vincent friends, Shaun and Josh start rounding him up, so
makes a run for his life, while everyone else starts
cheering for him. Kalki crosses the orientation group and
runs to the stairs. Every one is puzzled about his behavior
and then they notice Josh and Shaun running after him.
Samantha tries to yell at them to stop.
As Shaun and Josh, gets up stair to find that Kalki is
nowhere to be seen on the floor. Suddenly, a swing kick hits
Josh as he reaches to the top of the stair's flight. Leaving
Shaun surprised. So kalki spears him from the top of the
flight to downstairs.
Meanwhile Josh is already up, and completely recovered.
Kalki makes a narrow escape from his grip and the chase is
back on.Kalki makes a run to the parapet wall of the first
floor and makes a Parkor style jump of it. Resulting in his
sweet impressive escape from them.
All four, Kalki, Vincent, Shaun and Josh are called in
dean's office.


I want a bloody explanation. You
know what? I should just hand you
guyz off to cops. This kind of
behavior is not entertained in my
college. How could you be so dumb
Vincent, look at your busted nose,
you got your ass kicked by an
Indian guy? What kind of message
that sends to other teams? You are
my quarter back. I didn't expected
this from you. Your father will be
so ashamed of you. He is the only
reason you guyz are not in the
police custody. Who are you btw?
(He points at kalki with disgusted
look on his face.)
My name is Kalki Khaira, Sir.
Shut up! Who the hell you think
you are? Bloody Indian Schmuck,
getting into fights, bullying my
students. I will get you deported
in a minute.
I didn't mean to Sir. They started
the fight and dis-respected my
family. It was just self defense.
Self defense my foot.
But he sucker punched me first.
I said, zip it. I am not
interested in hearing your
(pointing at Vincent) Did you
really Vincent?
(Back to Kalki)
Judging from the look of his face,
I guess he did. But still that
doesn't mean you can get away with
This time I am leaving you with a
warning, if this happen again, you
will be black listed from every
college in the Nation and your


                       DEAN (cont'd)
indian ass will be deported back
to your shit hole country.
How is that for the first day of
Did you said something son? Let me
tell you something, I will be
watching you. Dismissed now.
You stepped into the wrong
territory idiot. Welcome to the
This wouldn't be my first time
white boy. The game is on, you
better watch your back.
Nandini comes to pick him up, catches him talking to
Angelica in a corner. They are all intimate. She calls him
to let him know that she is here.
      (Before the cell
Should learn to keep your hands
off me. We should catch for lunch
some time.
Actually, you should come to the
party tonight. It will be fun.
Believe me, I will be there. Hit
me up. You have my number right?
She smiles, at the same time Nandini honks for him.


Hey Lover boy! I am not going to
wait on you all day. Get in the
car quick, you are holding up the
I am coming bhabi. I am coming.
As he takes off, another guy Ryan tries to hit on Angelica.
White boy, super popular for his careless life. The real
party guy of the college. Have crazy amount of money,
doesn't care for shit.
You got a wrong taste for man, my
Fuck-off, ass hole
Kishore walks in to the house after work, Kalki and Nandini
are gossiping on dinner table.
      (Acting auspicious)
Oh you are home! Guess what, you
wouldn't believe what your Prince
here have been up to all day at
the college. His first day and he
is already being remarkable.
Wow! I walk into home and first
thing I hear is about this dumb
ass causing more trouble.
      (scared that
       college might
       have called in
       about his fight)
How do you know about that?
We need to discipline this kid.
What did you do now? Did you get
into a fight again? I am going to


                       KISHORE (cont'd)
beat the hell out of you and send
your ass back to India. Kamine
mami papa ka kuch toh khayaal kar.
      (Being encouraging
       and naughty)
Are nahi baba. I just caught him
flirting with a girl at college.
      (Takes a sigh)
She is just a new friend, we are
in the same class. Just getting
WOW! Pehle din se hi challu miya.
Why can't you acquaint yourself
with guyz? Or some one who is not
going to give you a disease. Tu
kab sudhre ga yaar.
Don't you think that you are a bit
fast on judging her character, and
being a bit of a rude. Any wayz,
whatever? (with an American girl
      (They all bust
       into laughter)
I am sorry. You know I just care
about you bro. You have been
through a lot.
I understand, btw I will need a
car for the night, Have to go to a
party, she invited me to.
      (Looking for
You are kidding, right???
      (Once he realisez
       that Kalki is
You keep your dick in your pants
Mr. You are not going any where. I
don't want you to get any of that


                       KISHORE (cont'd)
weird shit.
Oh come on, he needs to socialize
with them, learn their culture. He
will be working with them all the
time. Don't make him an out cast.
No way and no more arguments. You
are not going anywhere.
As the night passes, they all go to bed. Later in the night,
nandini sneaks into Kalki's room and kicks him out off the
house with the car keys.
Be safe and be back before your
brother get's up.
      (as he tries to
       hug her.)
WOW Bhabi you are the best.
Bas bas, jab dekho tab chipaktaa
hi rahtaa hai. CHal ja ab.
As Kalki tries to drive the car and this is his first time
in America driving, he jerks the car a couple of times,
almost runs into a tree, gets confused about which side of
the road he needs to drive at and then some how makes it to
the road. As Nandini watches him in fear trying to drive the
Kalki pull's off and gets out of the car, he can already
hear some really loud music and people chatting, screaming
and going crazy. As he get's closer to the pool area, music
is getting louder, so is his heart beat. After couple of
turns he get's to the pool area and his jaw drops down on
the floor. It is a typical ASU, go crazy party, every one is
drunk, topless/bikini chicks eyerywhere, people jumping off
the top of the fountain or even from the roof.
Angelica appears out of the crowd and grabs his hand. He
starts following her, she hands him off a beer.


      (Trying to talk to
       her over the loud
       music and chatter)
I don't drink.
Actually, when I was leaving home,
I promised my mother three things,
and one of them was not to drink.
I hope she doesn't minds, if I do
Chrissy grabs him and gives him a long big smooch.
Okay! I think she doesn't need to
know about that. or that or that
or... Okay I will have a scotch.
Chrissy hands him a glass and makes him follow her again to
the hot tub, where three of her friends were in, with one of
their boy friends.
Every one, this is Kalki.Aren't
you gonna join us???
First hesitant, but then kalki joins them in the hot tub.
                       CHRISSY (Oone of her friends)
Ain't you the guy who busted
Vincent's nose, today?
Yes, but I didn't mean too. He
just need to learn to respect the
                       CHRISSY (the same friend)
Well you might wanna look back


      (As he turns
       around, VIncent
       and his friends
       are standing
       right behind him.)
I am so fucked....
                                         PICK'S UP FROM "I AM
Kalki calmly get's out of the pool, and makes a stand in
front of the group. While Vincent throws himself at him,
grabs him of his neck.
I am so going to kill you. You
caused me a lot of trouble, you
piece of shit.
Pleasure was all mine. N believe
me, it is not over yet.
      (As he throws off
Oh yeah!!! How about this.
Kalki get's back on his feet, and makes a spartan like jump
towards him. Just before they were about to hit each other,
Deby the host of the party get's in their way. Another rich
girl in the college, who is head of the cheer leaders, but
is known for her ideal gf behavior. Likes to be the savior
of every situation.
Gent's please, don't destroy my
party. There is a better way to
handle this.
A couple of people are gathered outside Dean's house,
including Kalki, Vincent and his friends, Deby and three
more girls.


As we all know, that Dean is
fucking pissed at you two. What
will be a better way to settle
this, and punish this Indian
retard, then by making him break
into Dean's house and get
Veronica's panties.
Please don't tell me Veronica is
Dean's wife? Please he will kill
WOW!! You don't know Veronica? She
is Dean's bombshell hot blond
daughter Darling, who also goes to
ASU, and her boy friend is the
BIGGEST guy on the football team.
You are such a bitch. (And he
tries to make a run away from the
situation, but Shaun and Josh
blocks his way.)
You know, what an Indian never
backs off from a situation, I am
going to see through this one too.
(He tries to make another run and
gets blocked again)
You are a dead man asshole. Now go
and get your ass deported back to
your shit hole country.
Kalki hesitantly starts walking towards the house. He is
preparing for his strategy, cover and all the possible
escape routes, plus he is holding the key's to Vincent's
bike in his hands, which he just snitched off his pocket. He
get's closer to the house, takes a deep breath and starts
climbing up to get to the balcony of Veronica's room.
Meanwhile, Vincent pick's up a rock. Kalki notices that
veronica is lying in her bed, wearing a sleeping gown,
reading a book on biology, which is a cover for a nude
picture of some other girl. Kalki sneak's right behind her.
      (As he notices the
       picture in the


                       KALKI (cont'd)
WOW! That is new, I didn't knew
girls enjoy stuff like that. I
wonder, how Dean will feel about
that. I mean he is a strict
Veronica turn's around and finds Kalki staring at her with a
big smirk on his face. She is about to scream, but suddenly
a rock comes crashing through the window. As the student's
outside make a noisy run, Vincent notices that his bike keys
are missing.
Who the hell are you? and what you
are doing in my room? You creepy
She starts to scream and beating him. At the same time Dean
was getting out to check on the garden, hears the scream
coming from Veronica's room. Makes a run back towards the
house. While Kalki grabs Veronica and throws her on the bed,
get's on top of her ad hold's her mouth close.
      (whispering. Will
       try to pull of
       Jack sparrow
Listen to me, stop screaming... I
mean please stop screaming.
Vincent got me at a party and
wanted to beat the hell out of me,
because I embarrassed him in front
of every one, you know the busted
nose, Yeah that was me. But Deby
being a bitch she is, suggested a
better way to screw me off. Since
Dean, I mean your dad already
hates me and gave me a warning
that he is going to deport me back
to India, if I ever caused any
more problem. That I should break
into Dean's house, who is also
your dad, and should steal his
smoking hot blond daughter, by
which I mean you, and you are so
hot, 's panties.


                       VERONICA (flattered)
      (makes a gesture
       to let her speak.)
Did Deby said I am hot?
So I had no other option dear, n
those bastards are mean, although
I am not at all regretting it. You
are smoking hot, and it so awesome
to be on top of you. Btw did I
tell you how hot you are, and if
you tell Dean about this, I will
tell him about the picture in your
book. Beacause I need to finish
this college or my father will
kill me. Plus we are going out for
coffee tomorrow. Capiche??
      (As she nods in
       approval, and
       can't take her
       eyes of him.)
Now, I know it sounds creepy, but
where are your panties.
      (as they hear
       Dean's footsteps
       getting closer.)
Well they are in laundry.
I guess, we have no other option,
I will need these ones then.
      (Suddenly the
       charm is broken)
Get off me, you pervert, my father
is going to kill you.
She keeps on trying to get out of his hold, which leads into
getting him unbalanced, falling on top of her, followed by
getting pushed on the floor. He makes a run towards the
porch, but then comes back for a moment.
Oh darling! You are such a bitch
to be doing this to me, I meant no
harm, I just had no other option.
By far this is the most romantic
thing I have ever done. But my


                       KALKI (cont'd)
humble apologies for the event
leading to our congregate. I hope
I will get a chance to make it up
to you. Oh btw, I will be needing
Veronica slips herself into the sheets and take's off her
panties and toss it towards him. Kalki makes a quick nod to
her in respectful way and makes a quick exit out of the
porch, jumps off to the ground, by the time Dean burst into
his naked daughters room, Kalki is already on Vincent's
bike, to be finding that neighbors have already called the
cops. But he ends up making a narrow escape. Leaving Dean
and his daughter in a speechless, awkward situation.
                                         THE CUP SIZE THEORY.
Next day, the bike is found parked on the Mill Ave square
with the pantie hanging off the front mirror.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Welcome to your first and most
probably be the last class with me
students. As most of you will not
be pursuing the path of
theoretical physics, because of
your incompetency with thought
processing and intellectual
behavior due to various reasons,
our culture have gifted you with,
to provide us with great young
minds those who can hardly win a
race in usefulness against a
chimp. Meanwhile most of the
foreign nation students keep on
trumping their victory over our
provocative jar head students by
scoring every possible job over
them. Damn those Indians and
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
In this class we will be studying
the ways Maths effects our day to
day life and how we could benefit
our selves by having a better
understanding of it. Like how it
could be used to calculate and map
the way each of you will age, to
solving the day to day paradigms


                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN (cont'd)
of simple problems like how much
turkey you will need to feed a
family of 4.
We have progressed so much in our
society and with science, and yet
the simple tools of mathematics
hasn't changed for a period that
feels like eternity, and are still
making wonders to happen. Can any
one of you give me a suitable
example of application of maths in
your day to day life?
Engsley talking to Professor Hartley, about the class. He is
the most amazing software engineer/physicist to ever put
foot on the grounds of ASU.
                       PROFESSOR HARTLEY
Any new starz to this point MAN?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
What are you talking about?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Come on man, we all know you are
looking for your next prodigy.
Haven't found your Einstein yet?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
You know, I haven't found one,
since she died. I don't think so
any one is good enough to replace
                                         BACK FROM FLASHBACK
As professor Engsley eagerly scans the room for a response,
no hands were raised, the bright glow of eagerness on his
face starts to fade away.


                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Come on guyz, don't be nervous,
try to think of something,
anything. Such a disappointment.
I got something, definitely if you
care, since you hold such a grudge
against my race.
Justin raises his eye-brow in curiosity and then shows
dis-appointment as he notices a laid-back Indian douche bag.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Go ahead, I suppose.
Well one of the application of
Maths that I personally appreciate
a lot is that I can use it, or I
must, say I use it for calculating
the bra-size of a girl, just by
looking at them, and I must
mention that I am usually quite
accurate about my calculations.
He puts a big smirk on his face, while every girl in the
room looks back at him with a disgust.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Although I never expected such a
statement from an guy from such an
origin, I have to agree that I am
curious to learn more about your
perversity theorem, because I am
fascinated by your claim. Mr...??
Kalki Khaira, and please pardon me
for the preposterousity of my
statement, but I too find my
discoveries quite amusing and
flattering. Even after the
offending behavior of my study, it
was meant for a good cause.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Care to elaborate?


      (Screams in
You guyz are such a perverts.
Don't flatter yourself too much
girl. Although most of men actions
are merely influenced by the need
to impress their mates, because we
are already so awesome. Female
body has been the topic of
interest for us from the era of
carts and wheels.The beauty of the
curves in a women body symbolizes
perfection in the nature and are
kind of hard to ignore. The beauty
in a person should lie inside as
well as outside, and as far as
this culture goes, are basically
solely dependent on the
discoveries made by the so called
"us", generally known as true men.
Still you hold grudge against the
very thing that makes your world
and life as you know it, come
If I am not wrong, 32'c', right?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
      (As Ashley grabs
       her boobs,
Quite impressive. I see what you
did there, by engaging her
attention towards yourself, you
had enough time to measure the
entity you needed for your
calculations, and I assume that
you can use your mind very well,
using temporal cortex by engaging
in the conversation, meanwhile,
doing heavy calculations with your
frontal lobe. Quite ambidextrous.
I am eager to hear your
explanation. Right-handed I
Meanwhile, Kalki walks toward the board, and Engsley hand
him the marker. He draws 2 figures on it and writes 3
mathematical equations (please refer to the key notes for


      (Explaining his
       theorem on the
If we look at the first equation
on the board, this is the equation
derived by Westreich in 1997 used
to find the ideal breast volume,
which was further researched in to
those two equation by El-Shazly in
June 2006.
In this equation M-Ni is distance
from the manubrium to nipple &
N-Ni is the distance between
nipple to nipple.
Now, since in the ideal condition,
we say breast are in upright
position, and to measure the
subjects cup-size, I will need to
know it in 2 dimensional x-y
plane. I will find the
differential of the equation to
find the area of this figure.(use
the explanation from the key
Hence, I can find the bra size of
any girl, merely by looking at
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
      (mocking him)
Interesting theory and hence its
explanation, still as it demands
for you to touch a subject to
determine the circumference, your
claim doesn't hold valid.
Well professor, it is something
that I picked up as a practice. It
is more about hand's on skills
then actually application. Just
needed to back it up with some
justification. Plus you are
forgetting, that the results are
still just approximate values. I
am no official but so far my
estimations have been pretty dead
on. 32B, 34A and 29DD. (as he
points at couple of girls in the


      (Acting abnoxious,
       as rest of girls
       show a lot of
       interest in him
Do you actually use this
pervertial genius mind of yours
for something good or just
sniffing off onto your delusions?
In my defense, as I mentioned
earlier, that I as a person am
very interested in perfection
because of my artistic background
as a poet and sketcher, and
anything I can do to improve on
it, makes me quite a happy person.
To me nothing defines, perfection,
sophistication, malleable and
divination better then a women
body, and I am please to be one of
its admirer.
As we are already on the topic, I
would like to drop some more
knowledge on you. (A couple of
girls pleasantly sighs) Did you
ever wondered about the, please
pardon my language again, but I
have a tendency to stick to the
most common language term, so as
not to humiliate my less fortunate
friends, the ass to boobs ratio in
women. (every one is just glued to
his talks now, while Professor
Justin couldn't stop smiling.)

Well, according to Fargenhall
Differential equation for the
appropriation of Breasts and
rectums, we can define why some
women have perfect hour glass
Basically, the body has two
specific genes at birth, which
cover Breasts and Butts aka boobs
and ass. Only one can receive
maximum energy however, so only
one of those is nice as you might
say in most of the girls.
The girls who do have both of them
well developed, actually have
mutated genes, which is why it is


                       KALKI (cont'd)
not a so common feature.
Another brilliant example of
application of mathematics where
it crosses over inter-disciplines
and provides us with remarkable
discoveries. What do you say
Some random girl poses the question.
"Who are you?"
      (very politely)
I am Kalki Khaira, Dear.
So do you use your skills for
something even close to
Well it is a a matter of opinion,
the equation I defined is
basically very important from
cosmetic surgical as well as
artistic point of view. I am not
objectifying women here, what I
just explained describes
perfection in its entirety, with
very solid reasoning, which is the
very basic block for both those
On the side note, if you are
seriously interested in my
intellectual findings and subjects
those actually matter, we can
always discuss my conclusions and
stipulations on the Grand unified
theory. I am trying to finish the
derivation for a long time. May be
you can provide me with some
At this very moment, the class was interrupted by a staff
"Excuse me professor, a student named Kalki Khaira has been
called in to Dean's office. It is a matter of quite
Every one looks at him, then the professor and then Kalki,
as he smiles again.


I guess, we will have to wait for
some other day, to continue with
my discussion people.
      (As he moves
       towards Ashley,
       grabs her hand
       kises it gently.)
We have been to a bad start, A.
Didn't mean to be rude, if I may
take you to dinner sometime to
make up for it. A
      (As she nods on
Would 6:30 work for you dear?
(pause) 6:30 it is. Peace to you
all. (Iron Man style exit)
Engsley follows after him in joy, instructing the class for
dismissal at the same time. He catches Hartley in the
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
      (In joy)
Dude, I think I found our guy.
As Kalki walks into the office, he find himself accompanied
by quite acquainted faces, Dean & Vincent; but there is a
new addition to this meeting. This is the coach of the
football team, Coach Hannes. Dean's so called favorite. Has
been making the team win almost 80% games. Red neck
American, 47 yrs old.
So Mr Kalki, what you were up to
last night?
      (Nervous & scared)
Hanging out with a couple of
friends.Why do you care?
Oh! That is it? Anything specific
you would like to include?


Well I was at this great party,
met a couple of great people. Got
a chance to get acquainted with
couple of seniors. Very good
cultural experience. He was there
to, ask him.
      (Frustated & angry)
Don't try to act smart with me.
You know, what I am asking about.
I told you, one more mistake & you
are out of this college. I know,
you were at my house, you scumbag
and you broke into my daughters
With all due respect sir, that is
quite a acquisition. Now why would
I be at your house? Do you have
anything to prove it?
I had it now. You Indian junk, you
think you are really smart, huh? I
am going to destroy you. Now tell
me, why you were at my house or I
am going to give you to the
      (Bit more nervous,
       but stable.)
It wouldn't be my first time. But
if you are filing a case against
me, you have to file a crime
against me I suppose, or this
country has lost all sense of
human rights and has fallen into
I warned you, now ....
      (blocks him in
Yes, you did and that warning was
for both of us. Why he is not
getting thrown out? He was there


Keep me out of this shit head. I
have nothing to do with this.
Okay! Then why are you here?
      (Cut's both of
       them off)
Both of you shut up. Now I want to
know, what this is all about, and
why you were in my daughter's
      (Very nervously)
Are you asking for some sort of
confession? Well, I don't know
about that, because I didn't do
anything? But I do have a
hypothesis about what you could be
referring too?
      (As Dean gives him
       a notion to go
Let's assume a hypothetical
situation, which has nothing to do
with this, where a junior was
invited to a party by his new
friend. He is having a great time
with her, but there is this
hypothetical (pointing at Vincet)
senior, who is a complete jerk and
a loser, and who is holding a beef
against this guy, for some god
forsaken reasons. He surrounds
this guy with his friends and
threatens him to death to break
into this persons house, as this
person is also having some
personal issue with this guy. So
you know, take benefit of their
So this jerk asks this guy to....
so that he can, you know.... Have
his sweet revenge.
To what? Asked you to do what?


Dean why are you blaming me,
please don't make any references.
I said shut up. Don't act over
smart with me, you are this close
to getting kicked out of the
college. What did he ask you to
      (He stays quite,
       so dean yells at
How am I supposed to say anything,
you just asked me to shut up. Well
the guy was asked to steal this
person's daughter's panties.
You what? you break into my house
and stole my daughter's panties?
(He get's up and grabs his collar)
Argh!!! I don't know,... How dare
you? You .....
You are out of this college
effective immediately. Pack your
bags, because you are going back
to whatever shit hole you came
      (Pointing to
And you, how dare you to.... I
have been avoiding all your
mistakes because of your father,
but you have crossed all the
lines. You are suspended from the
college for next 15 days and of
your captain-ship of the college
                       COAH HANNES
Dean, please don't do that, we
have a couple of big games coming
up and we need Vincent. I need him
to play. He made this mistake
because of the bad influence of
this asshole Indian. You have to
understand it Domitto.


That is why he is getting kicked
out of the college.
You can't do that to me, on what
account? Student harassment?
Because I feel like I am the
victim here. This is not fare.
Well guess what, that is America
for you. We don't need your brown
ass here any more. Go sue me. I
will because I can. That will
teach your wild ass a good lesson.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
      (Burst into the
Hey Domittto, guess what actually
he can sue you and college for a
big amount here. Not only that if
this get's out, that will be bad
for the college's reputation. What
if he goes to the press?
What are you doing here Justin? N
how do you know about it?
In any case, I don't care, my
decision is final.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Well, you might want to rethink
this. Because pretty much every
one knows about it now.
What do you mean by that?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Well apparently, your daughter's
panties are pretty much public
property now. They were found on
Mill's ave wrapped around
Vincent's motorcycle mirror. It
will be a lot more harder to
explain, why Kal here get's to
kicked out, while Vincent just


What did you said? This Indian
bastard. You are out of the
college on the account of use of
abusive language, adulteration &
indiscipline on campus property.
No you can't do that. You are a
You should have thought about it,
before taking those chances.
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
You have to stop there, Mr Dean.
Kal here is innocent and is
basically a victim, and I wouldn't
let this happen to him. If you
move forward with your decision,
then me and Hartley will walk out
of the college too. Then you will
have to explain this whole
situation to the board as well as
the press.
Why are you taking his side?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
I am just trying to help an
innocent, and stop an oppressor
(pointing at Vincent). Someone
else should not pay the price for
someone else acts.
You do know, what this mean?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
I am well aware of the
I will see to it, that the justice
is served to all. Both of you can
excuse us now.
As Kalki and Justin leave the room


      (to Coach &
I want them destroyed and
humiliated. And that scumbag out
of my college.
                       COAH HANNES
I want the same too. I hate that
narcissist asshole Engsley. But
meanwhile, we can do something
about that Indian trash, in which
this dumb ass could be of some
help too.
      (After a couple of
Are you gonna say something?
                       COAH HANNES
Well this guy is from India, as
far as I know, those bastards only
know how to hit their balls with a
bat, and run around crazy. So he
have no idea about football, plus
he is not even that tall, you know
what I mean. (trying to imply on
sexual aspect of it.)
Where are you going with all this
Yeah! What the fuck?
                       COAH HANNES
Well hear me out, before you say
something. We will make him the
back-up quarter back. He got no
idea how to play, boys will get
really angry because of this
addition and will take all their
anger out on him in the field. So
what ever happens on the field
couldn't be accounted for by the
college. There is no better way to
punish him and we might loose a
game or so at MAX. I am pretty
sure, he wouldn't even last a
couple of practices.


And you thought I will like this
      (change of
Sometimes, you surprise me with
your mind coach. This might work
out just fine.
Brilliant plan coach. I will round
up the guyz.
Hold your horses numb nuts. This
should stay between three of us
only. Hopefully those jocks will
beat the hell out of him, just
because he is not American. And no
one will ever get suspicious.
Vincent go and make this happen.
      (Vincent leaves in
       a hurry)
Coach! You make sure that this
screw head doesn't screw this up.
I will get you that thing you were
asking for a couple of days, for
all the help.
                       COAH HANNES
Don;t you worry about anything.
Kalki is walking out of the college. He turns around when he
hears someone calling his name. He is surprised and
Oh Man! I couldn't catch a
      (He turns around,
       and finds vincent
       running towards
(As he hands Kalki college teams
jersey and helmet.) Welcome to the
team bro. You are the new back-up
quarter back and vice captain of
the team. See you at practice.


      (as Vincent leaves
       him astounding)
What? Don't you already have a
quarterback? I didn't even applied
for it.
Don't you have to be on a school
team first?
As he starts walking out again, receiving surprised/cheerful
looks from every one, Engsley and Hartley catches him.
                       PROFESSOR HARTLEY
Hey wanna catch a beer with us?
      (Super surprised &
Sure, why not? Although
professors, don't drink with their
students in my country.
                       PROFESSOR HARTLEY
Well this ain't your country
brother, and outside college we
are just two cool dudes, having
WOW! Third day of my college & I
am hanging out with the big prof's
of my college. Thanks for looking
out for me prof. As you guys say
in America, "Can I buy you guys
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
Hold your horses there big guy,
don't get too friendly. Just
kidding.. n it is called, "Rounds
on me".
Hmm.. 'So rounds on me then'?


                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
So I hear you are the new addition
to the team. Congrats on that
brother. Do you even know how to
Nope! I have no idea.
                       PROFESSOR HARTLEY
Well this is going to be fun. Btw,
don't you have a date tonight?
WOW! So you already heard about
that? I texted her to meet me
                       PROFESSOR HARTLEY
Yeah! Justin told me about that,
and your business with Dean,
stories get around here pretty
quick. Very impressive boy, you
surely gonna wind up dead pretty
Thanks... I guess?
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
So you are up for a TA/RA job with
the department?
Are you kidding me? What is up
with today? You are being way too
kind to me. Literally WOW!!
                       PROFESSOR JUSTIN
      (After they both
       stop laughing on
       the phrase)
Well you have earned it. What's
Kalki is acting weird and out of the conversation, like he
is trying to hear something telepathically. As he was slowly
drifting away from his surroundings.


      (Worried and
Nothing. I have to go.
                       PROFESSOR HARTLEY
Where? What about the job? and
your date?
I can't explain, but I have to go.
Please pardon my slanderous
behavior. I will be more than
happy to be part of the team. Also
please let her know, that It was
urgent. I have to go.
(while running) Thanks for the
A small 8 year old white girl is sitting alone close to a
rail track. It is almost close to night time. She is scared
and horrified. She is holding tight to her torn out teddy
bear, with her knees tucked in, and hands wrapped around her
legs. As she notices a stranger walking towards her, she
get's more attentive and scared. A tear falls off her cheek,
as she notices the guy stopping next to her. We have to
create a feel that it is a typical Criminal minds situation
of abduction.
                       KALKI (Stranger guy)
Hey!!!! What is your name?
Mom said never to talk to


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From vito jennette Date 1/5/2011 ***1/2
Really, really powerful story. I don't think I found any mistakes, and your handle on the format is awesome. Getting this script done in a brisk 72 pages is quite a feat, and you didn't leave much out. I feel like this would have been some thing I would have read in middle school, and I don't think you left anything out. Great adaptation. Very good script that could really be a great concept to film! A director would have a blast with this very imaginative story.

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