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The Inspection
by Fish Stark (fortneyiii@aol.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

An uptight building inspector stumbles upon a group of squatters who use an abandoned building to host wild parties and learns to live a little. A semi-short film for a class--I'm a high school student.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Music in. Bill's face, lying in bed.
Shot from the back or side. Bill's bed is made
perfectly--while he's still lying in it.
Alarm clock.
Bill sits bolt upright and folds over a corner of his bed,
neatly, leaving him enough space to climb out. He does,
methodically. Shot of him crossing the the bathroom.
Shot of the faucet turning on.
Bill runs a washcloth over his face, washing it in sections.
He brushes his teeth. The brush goes up and down, almost
like a machine.
Bill compares his teeth to a color wheel.
He makes a mark on a chart entitled "desired teeth color".
Then he leaves.
Bill walks to the coffeepot. Takes the pot, takes a cup.
Pours the coffee exactly to a line that has been marked on
the cup.
Measures his sugar into a spoon. Scrapes off the excess
until it's perfect.
Takes a sip.
Looks at the clock.
Pulls his phone out of his pocket.
Shot of him dialing numbers.
Phone shows him calling "Buttercup."
Someone on the other end picks up.
Hello, buttercup.
William. I have a name.
I--I apologize.


What is my name, William?
I know your name--
Say it. Say my name.
Sharon. I know your name. Sharon.
I'm sorry.
You said you were sorry already.
And you said my name twice.
You sound stupid when you repeat
What am I supposed to say to that?
"I'm sorry, Sharon."
I'm sorry, Sharon.
You already said that. What did I
tell you?
I--I don't know what to--
I'll be home at five thirty. Have
dinner ready.
Oh. Right. Well. I--
I love you!
Sharon has hung up.
Bill digs a chart from his pocket, a grid with time-slots on
it. The title reads "Times To Call Sharon". Below it, a


subtitle reads "Call Sharon at the appointed times each day
to receive a gold star." He marks off a time slot.
He adjust his glasses.
He smooths his hair.
Finishes the knot on his tie.
And focus.
CU of his face. He steels himself for another day's work.
Opportunities for success are out
there, waiting.
He rubs a self-help book and starts out the door.
CU of Bill's feet as he takes small, measured steps through
the parking lot.
CU of Bill's waist as he tucks in a strand of his shirt.
CU of Bill's eyes.
Direct, focused gaze.
CU--Bill's mouth.
CU--Bill wringing his hands.
Firm and confident handshake.
(beat) The keys to success.


Establishing shot of Easton town hall.
Bill pokes his head in the supervisor's office.
William--did you get my email?
I've got another inspection to add
to your schedule.
I'd be happy to take it.
Are you sure? I know today is one
of your busier days--
I always approach life with an
open mind and accept each
opportunity for success.
You're making sure an abandoned
house on the corner of Northrop
and Southers is up to code.
They did say at the seminar that
their instructions were no
guarantee of future financial
There are plans to buy it and turn
it into a community theatre, but
first we need to make sure it
meets zoning regulations. It
should be quick, but it's rather
urgent. Can I have a report on my
desk by tomorrow afternoon?
I would be happy to, sir.
The two shake hands. Bill lingers.


Is there anything else?
Sir--as someone I respect--on a
scale of one to ten, how would you
rate the firmness of my handshake?
I, ah--
Decimals are acceptable if you are
having trouble deciding.
I don't, uh--
If you find it difficult to rate
specific criteria could you rate
the overall experience?
I really don't know how to answer
Well, I suppose one would be
exceptionally weak, two would be
moderately weak, three would--
Oh! I...ah...just remembered a
very importance conference call
that I am supposed to be having.
(beat) This very minute. (beat) A
private call.
Oh, yes.
He turns and starts towards the door.
Private call, oh!
He digs his phone out of his pocket and presses some
Hello, Sharon?


Bill maneuvers through the building, on his phone.
Yes, Sharon, this is the last job
and then I'll be finished.
You'll call me when you're done?
I will. And that will mean I've
made all ten calls today.
That's great, William. I'm very
proud of you. That means you'll
get a gold star for the day!
Oh. Yes.
Aren't you excited? Because you
know what happens after you get
five gold stars...
I don't think I do anymore because
last time I tried to get my reward
you hit me with the hammer.
William, that wasn't it. Remember?
When you get five gold stars I
take you on a special trip to the
Oh. (beat) That's what I thought
at first, but then you spent
several minutes talking about the
snake pit and I became very
I'm hanging up now.
No, wait, Sharon--
Click. Bill looks around.


I was told that this would be a
quick and simple job. (beat) I was
lied to and very much deceived.
(beat) What a mess.
He bends down to examine a pile of materials.
Not at all up to code.
He glares at a stack of paint cans.
Paint is supposed to go on the
walls, not in pails on the floor.
If it was supposed to be in pails
it would be called water.
He turns and glares at some wood.
And all this wood that could be
used to build a deck or a nice
flowerbox. Just lying around where
someone can fall on it and get a
splinter. That's why we have laws
in this country. More flowerboxes
and less splinters. George
Washington must be turning in his
And he wouldn't getting any
splinters because his coffin would
be neatly smoothed and varnished.
He kicks at the wood.
Some decency!
He takes out a notepad.
Violation of Bylaw 48--dangerous
floor conditions. All this junk
lying around.
Violation of bylaw 87--strange


Pulls up a sleeve.
Violation of bylaw 22--inadequate
air conditioning.
He surveys the room, shaking his head.
Next thing you know I'm going to
find a piano that hasn't been
tuned since the Van Buren
He looks up into the heavens, almost in despair.
What sort of people would keep a
place looking like this? (beat)
Could you imagine what it would be
if people made toilets like this?
It would be exactly like this but
everything would be feces.
He takes out his notepad.
There's a violation right there.
And another. And another.
He hears a noise and whirls around.
What on--
He hears another noise.
Shot from low to the ground, behind Bill. A pair of unknown
feet suddenly step into the frame.
                       HOPE (OS)
Quick cuts:
Bill whirls around.
(Bill's pov)--A large block of wood is descending.


Later. It is dark. Flash of people, scenery, from Bill's POV
on the floor. Black again. Voices.
Is he--?
The voice is cut off. Static, maybe.
No, I see his eyes, see? He's--
Cut off again.
Should we wake--
Cut off again.
He's coming out of it.
Crap. Hide!
Bill's eyes open. The room is clear.
Bill lies on the floor, confused.
He gets up.
Hello? (beat) Hello? Voices?
(beat) Are you real? Are you
people? Are there people here?
(beat) What is this?
He looks around.
I must have tripped on all this
junk and hit my head. This is why
we have zoning codes. If we had
more zoning codes maybe there
would be less head injuries and
less insane people. But no, they
just want to build a pool
anywhere. The government is fine
when it's giving you free things,
but not when it's telling you that
you can't build a pool on the


                       BILL (cont'd)
roof. (beat) Disgusting.
He looks at his notepad.
Definitely unfit for use. I'll go
back and--what time is it?
He checks his phone.
No! Sharon!
He frantically dials numbers into his phone. She picks up.
Sharon, I am so--
What did I say this morning, Bill?
I apologize, I--
What did I say?
You said to have supper ready at
I said to have DINNER ready at
five-thirty. There is a
difference. Am I making sense to
you? Dinner is not supper and
supper is not dinner and neither
of them were on the table at
five-thirty, nor are they there
I am extremely sorry, Sharon, I've
been unsconcious--
This time it's being unconscious.
Last time it was the broken hand.
You did hit me rather hard with
that hammer--


I don't even want to hear about
it. Don't even think about coming
home tonight.
Sharon, I sincerely am sorry--
You will not set foot in our house
tonight. No arguments.
I'm sorry, Sharon. But if that's
that, I suppose I'll--
And don't even THINK of going to a
hotel. No hotels. Or motels. Or
inns. Or hostels. Or suites. Or
But where will I sleep?
Where was my dinner at 5:30?
Nowhere, Bill. There's your
answer. Nowhere.
Sharon! (beat) This is terrible.
(beat) I've got to find a place to
He dials some numbers.
Yes, hello, have I reached the
West Easton Suites Hotel?
                       HOTEL MANAGER
Yes sir.
I'd like to reserve a room for the
night, please. I'd like it to be
non-smoking and I'd like the
covers to be arraigned evenly on
the bed. Sometimes the maids leave
them lopsided. I would also like
three bottles of mineral water for


                       BILL (cont'd)
drinking, one for brushing my
teeth, and seventeen to shower
with. I do not trust strange
                       HOTEL MANAGER
We can do that, sir. May I have
your name and credit card number
for billing?
My name is William Ding, and my
credit card number is--
                       HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, no, sir, I'm sorry, all our
rooms just filled up.
                       HOTEL MANAGER
There must be a convention in
town. Our last twelve rooms were
just reserved. I'm sorry, sir.
What? By whom?
                       HOTEL MANAGER
I apologize, sir, that's private
information. We can't give that
out. (beat) One second, sir, let
me look at--why are they all named
Good lord.
He hangs up and jabs buttons on his phone.
Quickly, I need a room at your
                       HOTEL MANAGER 2
I'm sorry, sir, we've just been


                       HOTEL MANAGER 2
Yes, we're--
Bill hangs up and dials another number.
I need a room!
                       HOTEL MANAGER 3
I'm sorry, we--
Bill slams his phone in frustration.
Nowhere to go. Nowhere to go!
(beat) I'm here for the night.
Here, of all places! And Sharon
won't let me come home! How could
it get--
Out of nowhere, Kenny rushes and hugs him, sobbing. CU of
Kenny's sobbing face against Bill's shoulder.
I am so sorry, man! So sorry! That
shouldn't happen to people! Why do
things like this happen to people?
Hope and Brad step out of the shadows, shaking their heads.
Stacy, are you serious?
This is sad, OK? This is SAD. He
is ALONE. His mother kicked him
out of the house.
Actually, my girlfriend, but--
You realize he works for the
government? Now he knows we live
here and he's probably going to
kick us out.
You--you live here?


Yep. This is where we live. This
is our casa. This is where the
party happens.
The--the party?
And I do not mean party
figuratively. We legit party here.
We have people come here and
party. They bring food and we
bring the place. It's free and
it's fun and we party.
You live here? In this place? In
these conditions?
Totally. This is the party room,
the bedroom, the rec room, the
dining room, the kitchen, the
living room, the---
Not the bathroom too, I hope.
No, dude, that'd be gross. (beat)
I dug a hole outside.
Well, this sounds like heaven.
Well awesome, because you're
staying the night!
Really, Kenny?
Well, yeah! He got kicked out of
the house by his mom, we've gotta
let him stay with us.
She is my girlfriend.


Kenny stares at him.
Dude, that's just wrong.
Don't think he meant that, Stacy.
But we'll give him separate
sleeping quarters just in case.
The guest room, I guess you could
call it. Hope, can you find him
some place to sleep?
      (she starts off,
       turns back to
Are you gonna follow me, or do you
want me to carry you?
Bill starts after Hope.
Another location in the building. Hope leads Bill around a
We'll find you someplace nice in
Nice? Here? I might as well just
sleep on the floor.
Oh, you'll be sleeping on the
floor. I'm just going to try and
find you someplace where it's not
too wet. And maybe a blanket.
      (rolling his eyes)
So what's your name?
I have a girlfriend. You shouldn't
be tempting me.


Believe me, I wasn't trying.
She eyes a spot on the floor.
How does it look right here?
Wonderful. I have a five-star view
of all the zoning violations. I
can count them to induce sleep.
Hope looks at him for a minute.
I have no idea how you got the
idea that anyone here is trying to
impress you...but we're really
It's really very inappropriate and
inconsiderate when you flirt with
me and I'd like you to stop.
Hope shakes her head.
She leaves. Bill shakes his head.
These poor, poor people.
He looks around the area.
I wish something could be done to
help them. Someone should start a
charity. (beat) Or...I could turn
this roadblock into an opportunity
for success by approaching it with
an open and determined mindset.
He pounds his fist into his hand.
I will teach them organization and


An elaborate dream sequence. Famous ballet music plays as
Bill approaches Hope, Kenny, and Brad with cans of air
freshener. They turn their heads and look at him.

He gestures.

They smile.

They grab brooms.

They dance with their brooms, cleaning and cleaning.

Bill waves his arms like a conductor, directing them about.

He smiles as they tidy up the basement.

He looks at the camera.

So what IS your name? We never
caught it.
Bill snaps out of his reverie to see Stacy, Brad, and Hope
standing there.
I'm sorry, what? My name? What
is--oh. Yes. My name. My name is
Too many syllables, too formal.
We're gonna call you Bill, all
I'd rather you--
What's your last name?
Ding. Which is why--


Bill Ding! Ha! That sounds like
'building'. That's hilarious.
That...that was my parents' idea
of humor. They ran off to Paraguay
when I was younger, so I was
raised by my grandmother, who was
much more responsible and decided
that I ought to be called by my
Christian name, which should have
prevented the schoolchildren from
making fun of me. (beat) It
Bill Ding! Dude, do you get it?
It's so funny!
It still doesn't.
If you don't want us to call you
'building', no worries, we won't.
We'll find something else cool,
I like it!
Dingbat! Rrooow arf eeeeek! (beat)
I don't really know what sound
bats make. Was that close?
Bill shakes his head.
That isn't--I do not--I do not
like that name. That is not a good
name. But that is not my point.
(beat) I am a zoning inspector for
the government and it is my job to
make sure that everything is neat
and in accordance with codes. And
obviously, this does not fit that
definition. But I realize now that
it is not your fault and probably
resulting from the fact that no
one taught you how to clean
properly. So I am going to teach


                       BILL (cont'd)
you how to clean.
Are you serious?
Now, we start by breaking the
whole task down into small ones.
For instance, we might start with
simply reorganizing that giant
pile of crap.
He gestures to a pile.
Then we begin to focus on a
desired goal. We think: How would
we want our grandmother's house to
Full of cookies.
Then we find a place for
everything and everything in its
place. Closets are useful, but
we'd need a lot of closets to
contain all this...I suggest
He demonstrates stacking with his hands.
Then you lightly sweep the area
with a broom, making sure to drag
all the rubbish into a nice, neat
pile, pick out the rubbish, and
presto, it's clean. (beat) Then
take the air freshener and begin
to squirt. Two squirts should
suffice, but three is good as
well. I would not recommend four,
but it is acceptable. Five is too
Stacy begins to tap and look at her wrist.


What are you doing?
Brad begins to scratch the back of his head impatiently.
What's going--
Hope sighs and drums her fingers on her leg.
Now stop--
Quick CU of Stacy's wrist, Brad's head, Hope's leg. The
sounds are amplified and amplified. Bill is going crazy.
Won't you all just listen? (beat)
I'm trying to teach something
here, something that will add
value and order to your lives. I'm
doing you a favor. Now it's time
to listen and--
The door bangs open and a group of people barge in.
They dance off, leaving Bill staring.
Party montage:

Someone pops a red bull top.

Handshakes, fistbumps.

An iPod is taken out, a volume level is cranked.

Lights are turned on, flashed.

People are dancing. Having fun. It's a party.

Gradually, the focus is drawn to one (especially good)


dancer. He breaks it down in the middle of the room, putting
on a show to hoots and cheers.
Bill watches this all unfold with a dumbfounded look on his
face. Stacy turns to him.
Isn't this AWESOME?
I have no comment.
Brad forces his way through a few people and waves his arms.
Can I get everybody's attention
please? (beat) We have someone new
joining us tonight. Everybody,
this is Bill.
Whoops from the crowd.
Bill works for the government and
was inspecting our building, but
he's going to be cool and not kick
us out. So I'd like for us all to
give him a round of applause for
being cool.
A round of applause in Bill's honor.
Now get on up here and dance!
Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!
A chant of "Dance" goes up among those assembled.
I don't--I prefer slow dancing. Do
you have any Sinatra?
Just go up there and let loose,
man. Dance like he did.
He gestures at the guy who danced before, who gives a
thumbs-up. The "dance" chant grows louder.


The music gets louder. Bill grits his teeth. He focuses. He
nods his head to the rythym.

He begins to flail around like a giant fish, incorporating
50s dance moves into his seizure-like routine.

A laugh from somewhere in the crowd.
Are you serious?
Dude, I'm sorry, that's pitiful!
Was that a joke? I think it was a
joke! It was a good joke! You're
It wasn't a joke!
Bill glares at the jeering partiers and storms away.
As the party rages on behind him, Bill storms into a corner
and sulks.
He can't dance, he can't dance.
(beat) You can't...clean! You
can't do anything. Stupid lazy...
He sighs and sits against the wall, grumbling.

Hope approaches.
Go away.
Hope sits down next to him.
Are you deaf?


I think you're the deaf one. They
said 'dance' and that was
definitely not dancing.
If you would like to tease me, you
may. I will do the same when you
are evicted for squatting and I
have a job and a house and a
retirement fund.
Hope shakes her head at him.
Do you know why I'm here?
Because you can't think of a
constructive way to spend your
Because I need it. (beat) I have a
job, too. And a house. Brad and
Stacy are my cousins. But as good
as work is and as much money as it
gives me so that I can live a
comfortable life...sometimes I
need to live that comfortable
life. So I fake a pregnancy every
so often and get a few months of
maternity leave, and come here to
take a load off. This'll be my
fifth fake baby. He's named Kenny
Junior, after my fifth fake
husband. (beat) I'm kind of a fake
Bill looks at her.
Do you have a point, or are you
just telling me about your
imaginary children?
I don't do this because I have no
direction in life, I do this
because I want to have no
direction for just a few weeks. I
need to be able to worry about
absolutely nothing--and I just
wanted to let you know that you do


                       HOPE (cont'd)
too--believe me, I can tell. So I
guess I'm saying come back to the
party. It would be good for you.
They will just laugh at me some
more. They have no respect for--
Oh, God, really? They're not
laughing at you because they think
you're stupid. They're laughing at
you because they love to laugh.
There are certain things you learn
from hanging out with them about
just having fun, and since you're
here for the night, you might as
well learn them. (beat) Otherwise,
in ten years, your frown lines are
going to be thicker than your
She stands up.
It's up to you.
And she heads back to the party.

Bill sighs and stands up. Then sits back down. He looks
around for a while, then looks himself over, tie and all. He
sighs. Stands up. Returns to the party.
Bill returns to the party. Brad comes back behind him and
claps him on the back.
Hey, you all right, bro?
Bill nods grimly.
He pumps his fist and announces:
He's all right! My man Bill's all
right! Party can go on!


He dances off. Stacy jumps in front of Bill, holding a can
of Red Bull, and bellows:
You, ah, certainly look "hyper".
I don't like to alter my regimen
with caffeine. It--
She pops a can and holds it out to Bill.
Ah...well...I suppose. One sip. I
Bill takes the can and chugs.
The party sequence, to faster music now.

Bill dances with no reservations.

Bill meets other partiers.

Bill laughs with Brad and Stacy.

The red bull keeps flowing. Bill chugs more.






Bill stirs. He looks around. Where is he? What time is it?
Hope is sitting cross-legged next to him.
About time you woke up.
Oh. I'm still here. Did I--I
passed out here?
Yep. So I guess now you can go
I guess so.
There's a silence.
You know, you weren't half bad
last night.
At--I wasn't--(beat) Oh, no. Oh
God no. That was--I--with you? Oh
no. Oh no. That should not
have--with you?
At DANCING. (beat) Pig.
She gets up and walks away.
He begins to stand up, but his phone starts ringing. He
picks it up.
A customer service agent from a bank answers on the other


                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes, Mr. Ding? Just calling to let
you know that we successfully
transferred the funds from your
My account? My what?
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
You called us last night and
ordered us to transfer all of your
funds in account number 82763 to
another account. We just wanted to
let you know that the transaction
has gone through.
ALL the funds?
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes, sir. The funds have been
transferred in full, sir. One
hundred fourteen thousand three
hundred seventy one dollars and
eighty-nine cents.
To whose account are they being
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
I'm sorry, we can't reveal that.
That information is confidential,
sir. You'll have to come down to
the bank and check the transaction
I suppose I'll have to--ALL the
funds? Just a minute, now. I
ordered no such thing.
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
The signature on the check we
received matches the one we have
on hand from you in our records.
We wouldn't have made the
transaction otherwise. Would you
like to come here and straighten
this out?


Yes, I think I will.
He sits, sighing and rubbing his temples, trying to process
things. Stacy runs up to him.
Bill! I'm starting a game of
dodgeball and I'm making you a
team captain. You pick first.
Bill holds up a finger to silence her.
Bill picks the ceiling...OK, I
pick Brad. Pick again!
Bill holds up a finger again.
The ceiling again? OK, Bill picks
the ceiling, I pick Hope. Three
two one go!
She throws a ball at the ceiling.
Ceiling's out!
She then throws it at Bill.
You're out! We win! We win!
Bill rubs his forehead.
Rematch? Want a rematch, Bill?
No! No, I do not want a rematch!
Dude, is everything all right?
Oh yes, everything's just dandy.
Except the hundred thousand
dollars I saved disappeared
overnight to God knows where.
A hundred thousand dollars?


That's not good.
You are very right that it's not
good. And now I have to go to the
bank and straighten things out, so
if you'll excuse me, I can't play
dodgeball right now.
How are you going to get there?
In my car, why?
Stacy avoids his eyes.
Brad, Hope, Stacy and Bill walk down the street. Bill is
visibly annoyed.
I was kind of out of it last
Kind of?
I thought I could hotwire a car
with a stick of gum! It's no big
deal, OK?
Right, because everyone does that.
Finally you understand.
I cannot believe this. Of all the
reasons my car won't start, gum in
the ignition.
Hey--the important thing is that
we're on the way to your bank to
figure out what happened. Plus,
you're among friends. So it's all


                       BRAD (cont'd)
They walk in silence for a few minutes.
      (sings softly)
The ants go marching one by one--
Are you serious?
Just some travel music.
No. No travel music.
They walk in silence. Then, softly.
The ants go--
Oh, come on. It's kind of a boring
walk. Let her have her fun.
I am really not in the mood for
They walk along in silence. Then Brad begins to go "bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum".
Please, no.
Going to the bank...
Going to the bank.
With our new friend Bill...


New friend Bill...
Gonna get his money back...
Gonna get his--wait, how did he
lose his money?
I don't know. I got a call saying
they sent it to another account.
Well, isn't that what happens when
you sign a check?
What do you mean, when you sign a
You don't know how checks work?
When did I sign a check?
You know, when you gave the check
to that guy who gave us the
When the guy who what?
And he left his card back at the
I gave a stranger a check for a
hundred thousand dollars?
You also tried to give Brad a
hickey, but we're not very
Was kind of weird, though.


And I'm just learning this now?
He spins around to face Stacey.
I can't believe this! You want to
party? Fine. That's one thing. You
want to stick a piece of gum in my
ignition and not tell me when I
sign away my retirement savings to
a complete stranger? Clearly
another. (beat) You are all the
most irresponsible people I've
ever met. I would rather be a
starving orphan than whatever poor
human had to teach you to use the
He turns on his heel.
We are going back to find my
money. Not like any of you care, I
assume. You can stay here singing
your travel songs. I have a
retirement account to salvage.
Bill storms into the building, the group following behind
I'm sorry. I really am sorry.
Well, sorry doesn't put the
hundred thousand dollars back into
my bank account, does it?
Oh come on, give her a break!
I ought to take it easy on her,
shouldn't I? After all, she just
lost her entire life's
savings--oh, wait! That was me!
You seriously need to chill.


                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS (OS)
MS of Sebastian DuBois, clapping slowly.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Free theatre. Always wonderful.
Such tension and I don't have to
pay a cent.
That's him.
Hey! I know you! We bought the
party lights from you. Do you have
his money?
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Well, not me. It belongs to the
audience now.
The audience? Where is it? That's
my money, and--
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
It is now the budget for Dream
Big--An Autobiographical Play by
Sebastian DuBois, to be performed
here, at the DuBois theatre.
This is not the DuBois theatre.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Oh ho ho! Oh yes it is.
      (looks around)
Nope. Definitely isn't.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
And this is why we read everything
carefully. When he signed away the
hundred thousand dollars last
night, it wasn't to buy lights. It
was to give me full control over
this building to make it my
theatre. Once I get the zoning
permits finalized, I can begin to
make art.


You took all his money AND you're
cheating us out of the building?
What's wrong with you?
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Wrong with me? Wrong with ME? I
was simply defending the integrity
of the theatre. I was teaching you
a lesson.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
The first time I came in here, to
my new space of creation and
artistry, to see how the lights
would look on the stage, I
realized you lived here--and then
you demanded to rent the lights
for, of all things, a party.
Parties! They disgust me. There is
no grace, no elegance, no respect
for the venue. Especially no
respect for the venue.
He paces up and down.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
I would come in here to sketch
plans for my the show, figure out
where I would place the set, and I
would see you here, treating this
performance space, this area of
creation and wonder, like it was
An area of creation and wonder?
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Every time you scuff the floors of
this hallowed stage, I shudder!
Because you scuff the decks of the
most feared ship sailing the seas,
or the ballroom floor of
Buckingham palace, or the streets
of West Side New York.
So you're taking it all away AND
his money because we mistreated
some stage that isn't even a


                       HOPE (cont'd)
This sucks.
He kicks at something lying around.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
WHAT do you think you're doing?
I kicked the thing.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
The THING? That is not a thing!
There is so much to be done with
that thing! There is the potential
to create, to make it into
something it is not! It is a PROP!
It could be the sword that slays
the dragon, or the rose that woos
the woman, or an arrow or a bucket
or a car or a pregnancy test! And
you kick it, like it is nothing,
and you disrespect all of theatre!
He shakes his head.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
And with that I say, good day to
you, and depart. I shall return in
the morning with some very large
men and dogs to chase you away
from my studio, my imagination
factory, my stage where my
masterpiece will become a reality.
Do come see the show. And until
then, adieu. Never underestimate
the theatre again.
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Annnnnd the curtain is closing,
clap clap clap, I am gone. Good
day, philistines!
He swoops out the door.


He's taking the party space!
And he still has your money!
A hundred thousand dollars. That's
one hundred major Class III zoning
fines. One hundred.
No more parties!
I can't stand it!
Bill takes something and hurls it against a wall. Everyone
stares, dumbfounded at him.
What are you staring at me for?
You just defaced a structure and
contributed to disorder and
uncleanliness. We're a little
Bill regains his composure and smooths his tie.
I apologize for setting a bad
example. When I get back, I will
fine myself.
There is a pause. Then:
Didn't you say that if he had a
hundred fines, that would be
enough to get your money back?
Bill looks at her.
I apologize for what I said to
you. That was rather brilliant.
He looks at everyone.


I don't normally propose this sort
of thing, but...would you want to
engage in a...party of sorts?
I feel like a party planned by you
would be way over-organized.
That is actually the opposite of
the plan.
Quick cuts:

Bill stares at a light fixture, brandishing a hammer.
Violation of by-law 36--shattered
light fixture!
The hammer swings.

Bill stands with a hammer by the doorknob.
Violation of by-law
74--inaccessible entry!
He swings the doorknob.

He stands by a sink, clogging it with a towel.
Violation of by-law 7--flooding!
Quick cuts--
Brad puts on some music.

Hope throws things against a wall.

Stacy covers the floor with junk.

The gang generally trashes the house.

Slow pan to Hope and Bill, sitting together.
See, this is what I was talking
about. Just have fun and let
loose. I think you did it and I


                       HOPE (cont'd)
don't think you're any worse off.
Probably better.
I suppose. (beat) Thank you.
I was only happy to. It's nice
helping people learn to have fun.
I suppose I have done that.
Learned to have fun and be
spontaneous and whatnot.
You certainly had fun. I don't
know about spontaneous. Not
everything comes overnight.
Are you saying I'm not
Well, not yet, just--
Bill kisses her on the cheek. There is a pause. Then he
There. That was spontaneous.
He stands up and walks off as Stacy dances through the
frame, chanting:
Breaking stuff! Breaking stuff!
Breaking stuff! Breaking stuff!
Bill is thrusting a notepad at his supervisor.
As you can see, I noted a hundred
and seventeen violations.
Obviously this man is unfit to own
a building and I implore you to
revoke his license.


Oh, my.
I also recommend that he be fined
one hundred fourteen thousand
three hundred seventy one dollars
and eighty-nine cents.
Well, we'll certainly look into
Bill and Hope stand, talking.
So you got your money back and
they get to keep the house they're
staying in?
For the time being, yes.
They'll be pretty relieved to hear
that. Although--you might like
this--the whole ordeal of almost
losing the place scared them. They
want to get some part-time jobs.
Good for them.
Well, good for them for trying,
but it's going to be hard to find
a place that'll hire people as
crazy as them.
I think they would be wonderful
candidates to fill the open
building inspector positions,
thank you, William. Is there
anything else I can do for you?


No, sir, that'll be all.
Well, that's very nice of you.
They'll appreciate it.
They stand there in silence.
Um...what about your girlfriend?
Did you guys resolve your
Well...when I came home...I found
that her hammer had resolved its
differences with my computer. So
some paint that was lying around
in the garage may have resolved
its differences with her closet
full of clothes...and now I
believe she is resolving her
differences with her mother's
house. And I don't think that's
going to change.
That's good. (beat) I mean, no,
that's not, but, I don't know--I
didn't get the sense that you two
liked each other much anyway.
There's a silence.
Would you, uh...like to take a
walk with me?
Hope smiles and grabs his hand.
Let's walk.
They walk in silence for a few seconds.
So, ah, Hope, I was wondering...


Just...as someone I admire...on a
scale of one to ten, how would you
rate this hand-holding experience?
This what?
Never mind. (beat) Do you want to
find a party to go to or


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