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The Inspection
by Fish Stark (fortneyiii@aol.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

An uptight building inspector stumbles upon a group of squatters who use an abandoned building to host wild parties and learns to live a little. A semi-short film for a class--I'm a high school student.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. BILL'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Music in. Bill's face, lying in bed.
Shot from the back or side. Bill's bed is made
perfectly--while he's still lying in it.
Alarm clock.
Bill sits bolt upright and folds over a corner of his bed,
neatly, leaving him enough space to climb out. He does,
methodically. Shot of him crossing the the bathroom.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
Shot of the faucet turning on.
Bill runs a washcloth over his face, washing it in sections.
He brushes his teeth. The brush goes up and down, almost
like a machine.
Bill compares his teeth to a color wheel.
He makes a mark on a chart entitled "desired teeth color".
Then he leaves.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
Bill walks to the coffeepot. Takes the pot, takes a cup.
Pours the coffee exactly to a line that has been marked on
the cup.
Measures his sugar into a spoon. Scrapes off the excess
until it's perfect.
Takes a sip.
Looks at the clock.
Pulls his phone out of his pocket.
Shot of him dialing numbers.
Phone shows him calling "Buttercup."
Someone on the other end picks up.
                                                            
                       SHARON
Hello?
                                                            
                       BILL
Hello, buttercup.
                                                            
                       SHARON
William. I have a name.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (meekly)
I--I apologize.
                                                            

2.

                       SHARON
What is my name, William?
                                                            
                       BILL
I know your name--
                                                            
                       SHARON
Say it. Say my name.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sharon. I know your name. Sharon.
I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       SHARON
You said you were sorry already.
And you said my name twice.
                                                            
                       BILL
I--
                                                            
                       SHARON
You sound stupid when you repeat
yourself.
                                                            
                       BILL
What am I supposed to say to that?
                                                            
                       SHARON
"I'm sorry, Sharon."
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm sorry, Sharon.
                                                            
                       SHARON
You already said that. What did I
tell you?
                                                            
                       BILL
I--I don't know what to--
                                                            
                       SHARON
I'll be home at five thirty. Have
dinner ready.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh. Right. Well. I--
      (beat)
I love you!
                                                            
Sharon has hung up.
                                                            
Bill digs a chart from his pocket, a grid with time-slots on
it. The title reads "Times To Call Sharon". Below it, a

3.

subtitle reads "Call Sharon at the appointed times each day
to receive a gold star." He marks off a time slot.
                                                            
He adjust his glasses.
                                                            
                       BILL
Confidence.
                                                            
He smooths his hair.
                                                            
                       BILL
Poise.
                                                            
Finishes the knot on his tie.
                                                            
                       BILL
And focus.
                                                            
CU of his face. He steels himself for another day's work.
                                                            
                       BILL
Opportunities for success are out
there, waiting.
                                                            
He rubs a self-help book and starts out the door.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT OF EASTON TOWN HALL - DAY
                                                            
CU of Bill's feet as he takes small, measured steps through
the parking lot.
                                                            
CU of Bill's waist as he tucks in a strand of his shirt.
                                                            
CU of Bill's eyes.
                                                            
                       BILL
Direct, focused gaze.
                                                            
CU--Bill's mouth.
                                                            
                       BILL
Enunciate.
                                                            
CU--Bill wringing his hands.
                                                            
                       BILL
Firm and confident handshake.
(beat) The keys to success.
                                                            
 

4.

EXT. EASTON TOWN HALL - DAY
                                                            
Establishing shot of Easton town hall.
                                                            
 
INT. SUPERVISOR'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill pokes his head in the supervisor's office.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sir?
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
William--did you get my email?
I've got another inspection to add
to your schedule.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'd be happy to take it.
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
Are you sure? I know today is one
of your busier days--
                                                            
                       BILL
I always approach life with an
open mind and accept each
opportunity for success.
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
You're making sure an abandoned
house on the corner of Northrop
and Southers is up to code.
                                                            
                       BILL
They did say at the seminar that
their instructions were no
guarantee of future financial
prosperity.
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
There are plans to buy it and turn
it into a community theatre, but
first we need to make sure it
meets zoning regulations. It
should be quick, but it's rather
urgent. Can I have a report on my
desk by tomorrow afternoon?
                                                            
                       BILL
I would be happy to, sir.
                                                            
The two shake hands. Bill lingers.
                                                            

5.

                       SUPERVISOR
Is there anything else?
                                                            
                       BILL
Sir--as someone I respect--on a
scale of one to ten, how would you
rate the firmness of my handshake?
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
I, ah--
                                                            
                       BILL
Decimals are acceptable if you are
having trouble deciding.
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
I don't, uh--
                                                            
                       BILL
If you find it difficult to rate
specific criteria could you rate
the overall experience?
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
I really don't know how to answer
that.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, I suppose one would be
exceptionally weak, two would be
moderately weak, three would--
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
Oh! I...ah...just remembered a
very importance conference call
that I am supposed to be having.
(beat) This very minute. (beat) A
private call.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh, yes.
                                                            
He turns and starts towards the door.
                                                            
                       BILL
Private call, oh!
                                                            
He digs his phone out of his pocket and presses some
buttons.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hello, Sharon?
                                                            
 

6.

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Bill maneuvers through the building, on his phone.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yes, Sharon, this is the last job
and then I'll be finished.
                                                            
                       SHARON
You'll call me when you're done?
                                                            
                       BILL
I will. And that will mean I've
made all ten calls today.
                                                            
                       SHARON
That's great, William. I'm very
proud of you. That means you'll
get a gold star for the day!
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh. Yes.
                                                            
                       SHARON
Aren't you excited? Because you
know what happens after you get
five gold stars...
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't think I do anymore because
last time I tried to get my reward
you hit me with the hammer.
                                                            
                       SHARON
William, that wasn't it. Remember?
When you get five gold stars I
take you on a special trip to the
zoo.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh. (beat) That's what I thought
at first, but then you spent
several minutes talking about the
snake pit and I became very
confused.
                                                            
                       SHARON
I'm hanging up now.
                                                            
                       BILL
No, wait, Sharon--
                                                            
Click. Bill looks around.
                                                            

7.

                       BILL
I was told that this would be a
quick and simple job. (beat) I was
lied to and very much deceived.
(beat) What a mess.
                                                            
He bends down to examine a pile of materials.
                                                            
                       BILL
Not at all up to code.
                                                            
He glares at a stack of paint cans.
                                                            
                       BILL
Paint is supposed to go on the
walls, not in pails on the floor.
If it was supposed to be in pails
it would be called water.
                                                            
He turns and glares at some wood.
                                                            
                       BILL
And all this wood that could be
used to build a deck or a nice
flowerbox. Just lying around where
someone can fall on it and get a
splinter. That's why we have laws
in this country. More flowerboxes
and less splinters. George
Washington must be turning in his
grave.
      (beat)
And he wouldn't getting any
splinters because his coffin would
be neatly smoothed and varnished.
                                                            
He kicks at the wood.
                                                            
                       BILL
Some decency!
                                                            
He takes out a notepad.
                                                            
                       BILL
Violation of Bylaw 48--dangerous
floor conditions. All this junk
lying around.
                                                            
Sniffs.
                                                            
                       BILL
Violation of bylaw 87--strange
odors.
                                                            

8.

Pulls up a sleeve.
                                                            
                       BILL
Violation of bylaw 22--inadequate
air conditioning.
                                                            
He surveys the room, shaking his head.
                                                            
                       BILL
Next thing you know I'm going to
find a piano that hasn't been
tuned since the Van Buren
administration.
                                                            
He looks up into the heavens, almost in despair.
                                                            
                       BILL
What sort of people would keep a
place looking like this? (beat)
Could you imagine what it would be
if people made toilets like this?
It would be exactly like this but
everything would be feces.
Disgusting.
                                                            
He takes out his notepad.
                                                            
                       BILL
There's a violation right there.
And another. And another.
                                                            
He hears a noise and whirls around.
                                                            
                       BILL
What on--
                                                            
He hears another noise.
                                                            
                       BILL
What?
                                                            
Shot from low to the ground, behind Bill. A pair of unknown
feet suddenly step into the frame.
                                                            
                       HOPE (OS)
      (whispers)
Go!
                                                            
Quick cuts:
Bill whirls around.
(Bill's pov)--A large block of wood is descending.
Black.
                                                            
 

9.

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Later. It is dark. Flash of people, scenery, from Bill's POV
on the floor. Black again. Voices.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Is he--?
                                                            
The voice is cut off. Static, maybe.
                                                            
                       HOPE
No, I see his eyes, see? He's--
                                                            
Cut off again.
                                                            
                       STACY
Should we wake--
                                                            
                       HOPE
No!
                                                            
Cut off again.
                                                            
                       BRAD
He's coming out of it.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Crap. Hide!
                                                            
Bill's eyes open. The room is clear.
Bill lies on the floor, confused.
He gets up.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hello? (beat) Hello? Voices?
(beat) Are you real? Are you
people? Are there people here?
(beat) What is this?
                                                            
He looks around.
                                                            
                       BILL
I must have tripped on all this
junk and hit my head. This is why
we have zoning codes. If we had
more zoning codes maybe there
would be less head injuries and
less insane people. But no, they
just want to build a pool
anywhere. The government is fine
when it's giving you free things,
but not when it's telling you that
you can't build a pool on the
            (MORE)

10.

                       BILL (cont'd)
roof. (beat) Disgusting.
                                                            
He looks at his notepad.
                                                            
                       BILL
Definitely unfit for use. I'll go
back and--what time is it?
                                                            
He checks his phone.
                                                            
                       BILL
No! Sharon!
                                                            
He frantically dials numbers into his phone. She picks up.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sharon, I am so--
                                                            
                       SHARON
What did I say this morning, Bill?
                                                            
                       BILL
I apologize, I--
                                                            
                       SHARON
What did I say?
                                                            
                       BILL
You said to have supper ready at
five-thirty.
                                                            
                       SHARON
I said to have DINNER ready at
five-thirty. There is a
difference. Am I making sense to
you? Dinner is not supper and
supper is not dinner and neither
of them were on the table at
five-thirty, nor are they there
now.
                                                            
                       BILL
I am extremely sorry, Sharon, I've
been unsconcious--
                                                            
                       SHARON
This time it's being unconscious.
Last time it was the broken hand.
                                                            
                       BILL
You did hit me rather hard with
that hammer--
                                                            

11.

                       SHARON
I don't even want to hear about
it. Don't even think about coming
home tonight.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sharon, I sincerely am sorry--
                                                            
                       SHARON
You will not set foot in our house
tonight. No arguments.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm sorry, Sharon. But if that's
that, I suppose I'll--
                                                            
                       SHARON
And don't even THINK of going to a
hotel. No hotels. Or motels. Or
inns. Or hostels. Or suites. Or
resorts.
                                                            
                       BILL
But where will I sleep?
                                                            
                       SHARON
Where was my dinner at 5:30?
Nowhere, Bill. There's your
answer. Nowhere.
                                                            
Click.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sharon! (beat) This is terrible.
(beat) I've got to find a place to
sleep.
                                                            
He dials some numbers.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yes, hello, have I reached the
West Easton Suites Hotel?
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER
Yes sir.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'd like to reserve a room for the
night, please. I'd like it to be
non-smoking and I'd like the
covers to be arraigned evenly on
the bed. Sometimes the maids leave
them lopsided. I would also like
three bottles of mineral water for
            (MORE)

12.

                       BILL (cont'd)
drinking, one for brushing my
teeth, and seventeen to shower
with. I do not trust strange
showers.
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER
We can do that, sir. May I have
your name and credit card number
for billing?
                                                            
                       BILL
My name is William Ding, and my
credit card number is--
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, no, sir, I'm sorry, all our
rooms just filled up.
                                                            
                       BILL
What?
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER
There must be a convention in
town. Our last twelve rooms were
just reserved. I'm sorry, sir.
                                                            
                       BILL
What? By whom?
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER
I apologize, sir, that's private
information. We can't give that
out. (beat) One second, sir, let
me look at--why are they all named
Sharon?
                                                            
                       BILL
      (pales)
Good lord.
                                                            
He hangs up and jabs buttons on his phone.
                                                            
                       BILL
Quickly, I need a room at your
hotel.
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER 2
I'm sorry, sir, we've just been
booked.
                                                            
                       BILL
Booked?
                                                            

13.

                       HOTEL MANAGER 2
Yes, we're--
                                                            
Bill hangs up and dials another number.
                                                            
                       BILL
I need a room!
                                                            
                       HOTEL MANAGER 3
I'm sorry, we--
                                                            
                       BILL
Gah!
                                                            
Bill slams his phone in frustration.
                                                            
                       BILL
Nowhere to go. Nowhere to go!
(beat) I'm here for the night.
Here, of all places! And Sharon
won't let me come home! How could
it get--
                                                            
Out of nowhere, Kenny rushes and hugs him, sobbing. CU of
Kenny's sobbing face against Bill's shoulder.
                                                            
                       STACY
I am so sorry, man! So sorry! That
shouldn't happen to people! Why do
things like this happen to people?
                                                            
Hope and Brad step out of the shadows, shaking their heads.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Stacy, are you serious?
                                                            
                       STACY
This is sad, OK? This is SAD. He
is ALONE. His mother kicked him
out of the house.
                                                            
                       BILL
Actually, my girlfriend, but--
                                                            
                       HOPE
You realize he works for the
government? Now he knows we live
here and he's probably going to
kick us out.
                                                            
                       BILL
You--you live here?
                                                            

14.

                       BRAD
Yep. This is where we live. This
is our casa. This is where the
party happens.
                                                            
                       BILL
The--the party?
                                                            
                       BRAD
And I do not mean party
figuratively. We legit party here.
We have people come here and
party. They bring food and we
bring the place. It's free and
it's fun and we party.
                                                            
                       BILL
You live here? In this place? In
these conditions?
                                                            
                       BRAD
Totally. This is the party room,
the bedroom, the rec room, the
dining room, the kitchen, the
living room, the---
                                                            
                       BILL
      (sarcastically)
Not the bathroom too, I hope.
                                                            
                       BRAD
No, dude, that'd be gross. (beat)
I dug a hole outside.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (sarcastically)
Well, this sounds like heaven.
                                                            
                       STACY
Well awesome, because you're
staying the night!
                                                            
                       HOPE
Really, Kenny?
                                                            
                       STACY
Well, yeah! He got kicked out of
the house by his mom, we've gotta
let him stay with us.
                                                            
                       BILL
She is my girlfriend.
                                                            

15.

Kenny stares at him.
                                                            
                       STACY
Dude, that's just wrong.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Don't think he meant that, Stacy.
But we'll give him separate
sleeping quarters just in case.
The guest room, I guess you could
call it. Hope, can you find him
some place to sleep?
                                                            
                       HOPE
Sure.
      (she starts off,
       turns back to
       Bill)
Are you gonna follow me, or do you
want me to carry you?
                                                            
Bill starts after Hope.
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Another location in the building. Hope leads Bill around a
corner.
                                                            
                       HOPE
We'll find you someplace nice in
here--
                                                            
                       BILL
Nice? Here? I might as well just
sleep on the floor.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Oh, you'll be sleeping on the
floor. I'm just going to try and
find you someplace where it's not
too wet. And maybe a blanket.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (rolling his eyes)
Wonderful.
                                                            
                       HOPE
So what's your name?
                                                            
                       BILL
I have a girlfriend. You shouldn't
be tempting me.
                                                            

16.

                       HOPE
Believe me, I wasn't trying.
                                                            
She eyes a spot on the floor.
                                                            
                       HOPE
How does it look right here?
                                                            
                       BILL
Wonderful. I have a five-star view
of all the zoning violations. I
can count them to induce sleep.
                                                            
Hope looks at him for a minute.
                                                            
                       HOPE
I have no idea how you got the
idea that anyone here is trying to
impress you...but we're really
not.
                                                            
                       BILL
It's really very inappropriate and
inconsiderate when you flirt with
me and I'd like you to stop.
                                                            
Hope shakes her head.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Wow.
                                                            
She leaves. Bill shakes his head.
                                                            
                       BILL
These poor, poor people.
                                                            
He looks around the area.
                                                            
                       BILL
I wish something could be done to
help them. Someone should start a
charity. (beat) Or...I could turn
this roadblock into an opportunity
for success by approaching it with
an open and determined mindset.
                                                            
He pounds his fist into his hand.
                                                            
                       BILL
I will teach them organization and
tidiness!
                                                            
 

17.

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
An elaborate dream sequence. Famous ballet music plays as
Bill approaches Hope, Kenny, and Brad with cans of air
freshener. They turn their heads and look at him.

He gestures.

They smile.

They grab brooms.

They dance with their brooms, cleaning and cleaning.

Bill waves his arms like a conductor, directing them about.

He smiles as they tidy up the basement.

He looks at the camera.

He--
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
                       BRAD
So what IS your name? We never
caught it.
                                                            
Bill snaps out of his reverie to see Stacy, Brad, and Hope
standing there.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm sorry, what? My name? What
is--oh. Yes. My name. My name is
William.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Too many syllables, too formal.
We're gonna call you Bill, all
right?
                                                            
                       BILL
I'd rather you--
                                                            
                       STACY
What's your last name?
                                                            
                       BILL
Ding. Which is why--
                                                            

18.

                       STACY
Bill Ding! Ha! That sounds like
'building'. That's hilarious.
                                                            
                       BILL
That...that was my parents' idea
of humor. They ran off to Paraguay
when I was younger, so I was
raised by my grandmother, who was
much more responsible and decided
that I ought to be called by my
Christian name, which should have
prevented the schoolchildren from
making fun of me. (beat) It
didn't.
                                                            
                       STACY
Bill Ding! Dude, do you get it?
It's so funny!
                                                            
                       BILL
It still doesn't.
                                                            
                       BRAD
If you don't want us to call you
'building', no worries, we won't.
We'll find something else cool,
like--Dingbat!
                                                            
                       HOPE
I like it!
                                                            
                       STACY
Dingbat! Rrooow arf eeeeek! (beat)
I don't really know what sound
bats make. Was that close?
                                                            
Bill shakes his head.
                                                            
                       BILL
That isn't--I do not--I do not
like that name. That is not a good
name. But that is not my point.
(beat) I am a zoning inspector for
the government and it is my job to
make sure that everything is neat
and in accordance with codes. And
obviously, this does not fit that
definition. But I realize now that
it is not your fault and probably
resulting from the fact that no
one taught you how to clean
properly. So I am going to teach
            (MORE)

19.

                       BILL (cont'd)
you how to clean.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       BILL
Now, we start by breaking the
whole task down into small ones.
For instance, we might start with
simply reorganizing that giant
pile of crap.
                                                            
He gestures to a pile.
                                                            
                       BILL
Then we begin to focus on a
desired goal. We think: How would
we want our grandmother's house to
look?
                                                            
                       STACY
Full of cookies.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Amen.
                                                            
                       BILL
Then we find a place for
everything and everything in its
place. Closets are useful, but
we'd need a lot of closets to
contain all this...I suggest
stacks.
                                                            
He demonstrates stacking with his hands.
                                                            
                       BILL
Then you lightly sweep the area
with a broom, making sure to drag
all the rubbish into a nice, neat
pile, pick out the rubbish, and
presto, it's clean. (beat) Then
take the air freshener and begin
to squirt. Two squirts should
suffice, but three is good as
well. I would not recommend four,
but it is acceptable. Five is too
many.
                                                            
Stacy begins to tap and look at her wrist.
                                                            

20.

                       BILL
What are you doing?
                                                            
Brad begins to scratch the back of his head impatiently.
                                                            
                       BILL
What's going--
                                                            
Hope sighs and drums her fingers on her leg.
                                                            
                       BILL
Now stop--
                                                            
Quick CU of Stacy's wrist, Brad's head, Hope's leg. The
sounds are amplified and amplified. Bill is going crazy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Won't you all just listen? (beat)
I'm trying to teach something
here, something that will add
value and order to your lives. I'm
doing you a favor. Now it's time
to listen and--
                                                            
The door bangs open and a group of people barge in.
                                                            
                       PARTIER
PARTY TIIIIIIIME!
                                                            
                       STACY
WOOOOOO!
                                                            
                       BRAD
YEAHHHHH!
                                                            
They dance off, leaving Bill staring.
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Party montage:

Someone pops a red bull top.

Handshakes, fistbumps.

An iPod is taken out, a volume level is cranked.

Lights are turned on, flashed.

People are dancing. Having fun. It's a party.

Gradually, the focus is drawn to one (especially good)

21.

dancer. He breaks it down in the middle of the room, putting
on a show to hoots and cheers.
                                                            
Bill watches this all unfold with a dumbfounded look on his
face. Stacy turns to him.
                                                            
                       STACY
Isn't this AWESOME?
                                                            
                       BILL
I have no comment.
                                                            
Brad forces his way through a few people and waves his arms.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Can I get everybody's attention
please? (beat) We have someone new
joining us tonight. Everybody,
this is Bill.
                                                            
Whoops from the crowd.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Bill works for the government and
was inspecting our building, but
he's going to be cool and not kick
us out. So I'd like for us all to
give him a round of applause for
being cool.
                                                            
A round of applause in Bill's honor.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Now get on up here and dance!
                                                            
                       BILL
Dance?
                                                            
                       STACY
Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!
                                                            
A chant of "Dance" goes up among those assembled.
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't--I prefer slow dancing. Do
you have any Sinatra?
                                                            
                       BRAD
Just go up there and let loose,
man. Dance like he did.
                                                            
He gestures at the guy who danced before, who gives a
thumbs-up. The "dance" chant grows louder.
                                                            

22.

                       BILL
Ah...OK...
                                                            
The music gets louder. Bill grits his teeth. He focuses. He
nods his head to the rythym.

He begins to flail around like a giant fish, incorporating
50s dance moves into his seizure-like routine.

A laugh from somewhere in the crowd.
                                                            
                       PARTIER
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       BRAD
Dude, I'm sorry, that's pitiful!
                                                            
                       STACY
Was that a joke? I think it was a
joke! It was a good joke! You're
funny!
                                                            
                       BILL
It wasn't a joke!
                                                            
Bill glares at the jeering partiers and storms away.
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
As the party rages on behind him, Bill storms into a corner
and sulks.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (mocking)
He can't dance, he can't dance.
(beat) You can't...clean! You
can't do anything. Stupid lazy...
                                                            
He sighs and sits against the wall, grumbling.

Hope approaches.
                                                            
                       BILL
Go away.
                                                            
Hope sits down next to him.
                                                            
                       BILL
Are you deaf?
                                                            

23.

                       HOPE
I think you're the deaf one. They
said 'dance' and that was
definitely not dancing.
                                                            
                       BILL
If you would like to tease me, you
may. I will do the same when you
are evicted for squatting and I
have a job and a house and a
retirement fund.
                                                            
Hope shakes her head at him.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Do you know why I'm here?
                                                            
                       BILL
Because you can't think of a
constructive way to spend your
life?
                                                            
                       HOPE
Because I need it. (beat) I have a
job, too. And a house. Brad and
Stacy are my cousins. But as good
as work is and as much money as it
gives me so that I can live a
comfortable life...sometimes I
need to live that comfortable
life. So I fake a pregnancy every
so often and get a few months of
maternity leave, and come here to
take a load off. This'll be my
fifth fake baby. He's named Kenny
Junior, after my fifth fake
husband. (beat) I'm kind of a fake
slut.
                                                            
Bill looks at her.
                                                            
                       BILL
Do you have a point, or are you
just telling me about your
imaginary children?
                                                            
                       HOPE
I don't do this because I have no
direction in life, I do this
because I want to have no
direction for just a few weeks. I
need to be able to worry about
absolutely nothing--and I just
wanted to let you know that you do
            (MORE)

24.

                       HOPE (cont'd)
too--believe me, I can tell. So I
guess I'm saying come back to the
party. It would be good for you.
                                                            
                       BILL
They will just laugh at me some
more. They have no respect for--
                                                            
                       HOPE
Oh, God, really? They're not
laughing at you because they think
you're stupid. They're laughing at
you because they love to laugh.
There are certain things you learn
from hanging out with them about
just having fun, and since you're
here for the night, you might as
well learn them. (beat) Otherwise,
in ten years, your frown lines are
going to be thicker than your
fingers.
                                                            
She stands up.
                                                            
                       HOPE
It's up to you.
                                                            
And she heads back to the party.

Bill sighs and stands up. Then sits back down. He looks
around for a while, then looks himself over, tie and all. He
sighs. Stands up. Returns to the party.
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Bill returns to the party. Brad comes back behind him and
claps him on the back.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Hey, you all right, bro?
                                                            
Bill nods grimly.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Good.
                                                            
He pumps his fist and announces:
                                                            
                       BRAD
He's all right! My man Bill's all
right! Party can go on!
                                                            

25.

He dances off. Stacy jumps in front of Bill, holding a can
of Red Bull, and bellows:
                                                            
                       STACY
REDDDDD BULLLLLLLLL!
                                                            
                       BILL
Fascinating.
                                                            
                       STACY
DUDE DUDE DUDE SO HYPER.
                                                            
                       BILL
You, ah, certainly look "hyper".
                                                            
                       STACY
TRY SOME.
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't like to alter my regimen
with caffeine. It--
                                                            
                       STACY
DRINK IT.
                                                            
She pops a can and holds it out to Bill.
                                                            
                       BILL
Ah...well...I suppose. One sip. I
suppose.
                                                            
Bill takes the can and chugs.
                                                            
The party sequence, to faster music now.

Bill dances with no reservations.

Bill meets other partiers.

Bill laughs with Brad and Stacy.

The red bull keeps flowing. Bill chugs more.

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

Black.
                                                            
 

26.

INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Bill stirs. He looks around. Where is he? What time is it?
Hope is sitting cross-legged next to him.
                                                            
                       HOPE
About time you woke up.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh. I'm still here. Did I--I
passed out here?
                                                            
                       HOPE
Yep. So I guess now you can go
home.
                                                            
                       BILL
I guess so.
                                                            
There's a silence.
                                                            
                       HOPE
You know, you weren't half bad
last night.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (dumbfounded)
At--I wasn't--(beat) Oh, no. Oh
God no. That was--I--with you? Oh
no. Oh no. That should not
have--with you?
                                                            
                       HOPE
At DANCING. (beat) Pig.
                                                            
She gets up and walks away.
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh.
                                                            
He begins to stand up, but his phone starts ringing. He
picks it up.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hello?
                                                            
A customer service agent from a bank answers on the other
end.
                                                            

27.

                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes, Mr. Ding? Just calling to let
you know that we successfully
transferred the funds from your
account.
                                                            
                       BILL
My account? My what?
                                                            
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
You called us last night and
ordered us to transfer all of your
funds in account number 82763 to
another account. We just wanted to
let you know that the transaction
has gone through.
                                                            
                       BILL
ALL the funds?
                                                            
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
Yes, sir. The funds have been
transferred in full, sir. One
hundred fourteen thousand three
hundred seventy one dollars and
eighty-nine cents.
                                                            
                       BILL
To whose account are they being
transferred?
                                                            
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
I'm sorry, we can't reveal that.
That information is confidential,
sir. You'll have to come down to
the bank and check the transaction
records.
                                                            
                       BILL
I suppose I'll have to--ALL the
funds? Just a minute, now. I
ordered no such thing.
                                                            
                       CUSTOMER SERVICE AGENT
The signature on the check we
received matches the one we have
on hand from you in our records.
We wouldn't have made the
transaction otherwise. Would you
like to come here and straighten
this out?
                                                            

28.

                       BILL
Yes, I think I will.
                                                            
He sits, sighing and rubbing his temples, trying to process
things. Stacy runs up to him.
                                                            
                       STACY
Bill! I'm starting a game of
dodgeball and I'm making you a
team captain. You pick first.
                                                            
Bill holds up a finger to silence her.
                                                            
                       STACY
Bill picks the ceiling...OK, I
pick Brad. Pick again!
                                                            
Bill holds up a finger again.
                                                            
                       STACY
The ceiling again? OK, Bill picks
the ceiling, I pick Hope. Three
two one go!
                                                            
She throws a ball at the ceiling.
                                                            
                       STACY
Ceiling's out!
                                                            
She then throws it at Bill.
                                                            
                       STACY
You're out! We win! We win!
                                                            
Bill rubs his forehead.
                                                            
                       STACY
Rematch? Want a rematch, Bill?
                                                            
                       BILL
No! No, I do not want a rematch!
                                                            
                       BRAD
Dude, is everything all right?
                                                            
                       BILL
Oh yes, everything's just dandy.
Except the hundred thousand
dollars I saved disappeared
overnight to God knows where.
                                                            
                       HOPE
A hundred thousand dollars?
                                                            

29.

                       STACY
That's not good.
                                                            
                       BILL
You are very right that it's not
good. And now I have to go to the
bank and straighten things out, so
if you'll excuse me, I can't play
dodgeball right now.
                                                            
                       STACY
How are you going to get there?
                                                            
                       BILL
In my car, why?
                                                            
Stacy avoids his eyes.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Brad, Hope, Stacy and Bill walk down the street. Bill is
visibly annoyed.
                                                            
                       STACY
I was kind of out of it last
night.
                                                            
                       BILL
Kind of?
                                                            
                       STACY
I thought I could hotwire a car
with a stick of gum! It's no big
deal, OK?
                                                            
                       BILL
      (sarcastic)
Right, because everyone does that.
                                                            
                       STACY
Finally you understand.
                                                            
                       BILL
I cannot believe this. Of all the
reasons my car won't start, gum in
the ignition.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Hey--the important thing is that
we're on the way to your bank to
figure out what happened. Plus,
you're among friends. So it's all
            (MORE)

30.

                       BRAD (cont'd)
good.
                                                            
They walk in silence for a few minutes.
                                                            
                       STACY
      (sings softly)
The ants go marching one by one--
                                                            
                       BILL
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       STACY
Just some travel music.
                                                            
                       BILL
No. No travel music.
                                                            
They walk in silence. Then, softly.
                                                            
                       STACY
The ants go--
                                                            
                       BILL
NO.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Oh, come on. It's kind of a boring
walk. Let her have her fun.
                                                            
                       BILL
I am really not in the mood for
singing.
                                                            
They walk along in silence. Then Brad begins to go "bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum".
                                                            
                       BILL
Please, no.
                                                            
                       HOPE
      (sings)
Going to the bank...
                                                            
                       STACY
      (echoes)
Going to the bank.
                                                            
                       HOPE
With our new friend Bill...
                                                            

31.

                       STACY
      (echoes)
New friend Bill...
                                                            
                       HOPE
Gonna get his money back...
                                                            
                       STACY
Gonna get his--wait, how did he
lose his money?
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't know. I got a call saying
they sent it to another account.
                                                            
                       STACY
Well, isn't that what happens when
you sign a check?
                                                            
                       BILL
What do you mean, when you sign a
check?
                                                            
                       STACY
You don't know how checks work?
                                                            
                       BILL
When did I sign a check?
                                                            
                       STACY
You know, when you gave the check
to that guy who gave us the
lights.
                                                            
                       BILL
When the guy who what?
                                                            
                       STACY
And he left his card back at the
place.
                                                            
                       BILL
I gave a stranger a check for a
hundred thousand dollars?
                                                            
                       STACY
You also tried to give Brad a
hickey, but we're not very
judgmental.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Was kind of weird, though.
                                                            

32.

                       BILL
And I'm just learning this now?
                                                            
He spins around to face Stacey.
                                                            
                       BILL
I can't believe this! You want to
party? Fine. That's one thing. You
want to stick a piece of gum in my
ignition and not tell me when I
sign away my retirement savings to
a complete stranger? Clearly
another. (beat) You are all the
most irresponsible people I've
ever met. I would rather be a
starving orphan than whatever poor
human had to teach you to use the
toilet.
                                                            
He turns on his heel.
                                                            
                       BILL
We are going back to find my
money. Not like any of you care, I
assume. You can stay here singing
your travel songs. I have a
retirement account to salvage.
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Bill storms into the building, the group following behind
him.
                                                            
                       STACY
I'm sorry. I really am sorry.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, sorry doesn't put the
hundred thousand dollars back into
my bank account, does it?
                                                            
                       HOPE
Oh come on, give her a break!
                                                            
                       BILL
I ought to take it easy on her,
shouldn't I? After all, she just
lost her entire life's
savings--oh, wait! That was me!
                                                            
                       HOPE
You seriously need to chill.
                                                            

33.

                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS (OS)
Bravo!
                                                            
MS of Sebastian DuBois, clapping slowly.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Free theatre. Always wonderful.
Such tension and I don't have to
pay a cent.
                                                            
                       STACY
That's him.
                                                            
                       BRAD
Hey! I know you! We bought the
party lights from you. Do you have
his money?
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Well, not me. It belongs to the
audience now.
                                                            
                       BILL
The audience? Where is it? That's
my money, and--
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
It is now the budget for Dream
Big--An Autobiographical Play by
Sebastian DuBois, to be performed
here, at the DuBois theatre.
                                                            
                       HOPE
This is not the DuBois theatre.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Oh ho ho! Oh yes it is.
                                                            
                       BRAD
      (looks around)
Nope. Definitely isn't.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
And this is why we read everything
carefully. When he signed away the
hundred thousand dollars last
night, it wasn't to buy lights. It
was to give me full control over
this building to make it my
theatre. Once I get the zoning
permits finalized, I can begin to
make art.
                                                            

34.

                       HOPE
You took all his money AND you're
cheating us out of the building?
What's wrong with you?
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Wrong with me? Wrong with ME? I
was simply defending the integrity
of the theatre. I was teaching you
a lesson.
                                                            
                       HOPE
What?
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
The first time I came in here, to
my new space of creation and
artistry, to see how the lights
would look on the stage, I
realized you lived here--and then
you demanded to rent the lights
for, of all things, a party.
Parties! They disgust me. There is
no grace, no elegance, no respect
for the venue. Especially no
respect for the venue.
                                                            
He paces up and down.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
I would come in here to sketch
plans for my the show, figure out
where I would place the set, and I
would see you here, treating this
performance space, this area of
creation and wonder, like it was
nothing.
                                                            
                       BRAD
An area of creation and wonder?
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Every time you scuff the floors of
this hallowed stage, I shudder!
Because you scuff the decks of the
most feared ship sailing the seas,
or the ballroom floor of
Buckingham palace, or the streets
of West Side New York.
                                                            
                       HOPE
So you're taking it all away AND
his money because we mistreated
some stage that isn't even a
            (MORE)

35.

                       HOPE (cont'd)
stage?
                                                            
                       BRAD
This sucks.
                                                            
He kicks at something lying around.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
WHAT do you think you're doing?
                                                            
                       BRAD
I kicked the thing.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
The THING? That is not a thing!
There is so much to be done with
that thing! There is the potential
to create, to make it into
something it is not! It is a PROP!
It could be the sword that slays
the dragon, or the rose that woos
the woman, or an arrow or a bucket
or a car or a pregnancy test! And
you kick it, like it is nothing,
and you disrespect all of theatre!
                                                            
He shakes his head.
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
And with that I say, good day to
you, and depart. I shall return in
the morning with some very large
men and dogs to chase you away
from my studio, my imagination
factory, my stage where my
masterpiece will become a reality.
Do come see the show. And until
then, adieu. Never underestimate
the theatre again.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Are you KIDDING ME?
                                                            
                       SEBASTIAN DUBOIS
Annnnnd the curtain is closing,
clap clap clap, I am gone. Good
day, philistines!
                                                            
He swoops out the door.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Wow.
                                                            

36.

                       STACY
He's taking the party space!
                                                            
                       BRAD
And he still has your money!
                                                            
                       BILL
A hundred thousand dollars. That's
one hundred major Class III zoning
fines. One hundred.
                                                            
                       STACY
No more parties!
                                                            
                       BILL
I can't stand it!
                                                            
Bill takes something and hurls it against a wall. Everyone
stares, dumbfounded at him.
                                                            
                       BILL
What are you staring at me for?
                                                            
                       HOPE
You just defaced a structure and
contributed to disorder and
uncleanliness. We're a little
surprised.
                                                            
Bill regains his composure and smooths his tie.
                                                            
                       BILL
I apologize for setting a bad
example. When I get back, I will
fine myself.
                                                            
There is a pause. Then:
                                                            
                       STACY
Didn't you say that if he had a
hundred fines, that would be
enough to get your money back?
                                                            
Bill looks at her.
                                                            
                       BILL
I apologize for what I said to
you. That was rather brilliant.
                                                            
He looks at everyone.
                                                            

37.

                       BILL
I don't normally propose this sort
of thing, but...would you want to
engage in a...party of sorts?
                                                            
                       BRAD
I feel like a party planned by you
would be way over-organized.
                                                            
                       BILL
That is actually the opposite of
the plan.
                                                            
 
INT. ABANDONED BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Quick cuts:

Bill stares at a light fixture, brandishing a hammer.
                                                            
                       BILL
Violation of by-law 36--shattered
light fixture!
                                                            
The hammer swings.

Bill stands with a hammer by the doorknob.
                                                            
                       BILL
Violation of by-law
74--inaccessible entry!
                                                            
He swings the doorknob.

He stands by a sink, clogging it with a towel.
                                                            
                       BILL
Violation of by-law 7--flooding!
                                                            
Quick cuts--
Brad puts on some music.

Hope throws things against a wall.

Stacy covers the floor with junk.

The gang generally trashes the house.

Slow pan to Hope and Bill, sitting together.
                                                            
                       HOPE
See, this is what I was talking
about. Just have fun and let
loose. I think you did it and I
            (MORE)

38.

                       HOPE (cont'd)
don't think you're any worse off.
Probably better.
                                                            
                       BILL
I suppose. (beat) Thank you.
                                                            
                       HOPE
I was only happy to. It's nice
helping people learn to have fun.
                                                            
                       BILL
I suppose I have done that.
Learned to have fun and be
spontaneous and whatnot.
                                                            
                       HOPE
You certainly had fun. I don't
know about spontaneous. Not
everything comes overnight.
                                                            
                       BILL
Are you saying I'm not
spontaneous?
                                                            
                       HOPE
Well, not yet, just--
                                                            
Bill kisses her on the cheek. There is a pause. Then he
nods.
                                                            
                       BILL
There. That was spontaneous.
                                                            
He stands up and walks off as Stacy dances through the
frame, chanting:
                                                            
                       STACY
Breaking stuff! Breaking stuff!
Breaking stuff! Breaking stuff!
                                                            
 
INT. SUPERVISOR'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill is thrusting a notepad at his supervisor.
                                                            
                       BILL
As you can see, I noted a hundred
and seventeen violations.
Obviously this man is unfit to own
a building and I implore you to
revoke his license.
                                                            

39.

                       SUPERVISOR
Oh, my.
                                                            
                       BILL
I also recommend that he be fined
one hundred fourteen thousand
three hundred seventy one dollars
and eighty-nine cents.
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
Well, we'll certainly look into
that.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Hope stand, talking.
                                                            
                       HOPE
So you got your money back and
they get to keep the house they're
staying in?
                                                            
                       BILL
For the time being, yes.
                                                            
                       HOPE
They'll be pretty relieved to hear
that. Although--you might like
this--the whole ordeal of almost
losing the place scared them. They
want to get some part-time jobs.
                                                            
                       BILL
Good for them.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Well, good for them for trying,
but it's going to be hard to find
a place that'll hire people as
crazy as them.
                                                            
 
INT. SUPERVISOR'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
I think they would be wonderful
candidates to fill the open
building inspector positions,
thank you, William. Is there
anything else I can do for you?
                                                            

40.

                       BILL
No, sir, that'll be all.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
                       HOPE
Well, that's very nice of you.
They'll appreciate it.
                                                            
They stand there in silence.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Um...what about your girlfriend?
Did you guys resolve your
differences?
                                                            
                       BILL
Well...when I came home...I found
that her hammer had resolved its
differences with my computer. So
some paint that was lying around
in the garage may have resolved
its differences with her closet
full of clothes...and now I
believe she is resolving her
differences with her mother's
house. And I don't think that's
going to change.
                                                            
                       HOPE
That's good. (beat) I mean, no,
that's not, but, I don't know--I
didn't get the sense that you two
liked each other much anyway.
                                                            
There's a silence.
                                                            
                       BILL
Would you, uh...like to take a
walk with me?
                                                            
Hope smiles and grabs his hand.
                                                            
                       HOPE
Let's walk.
                                                            
They walk in silence for a few seconds.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, ah, Hope, I was wondering...
                                                            

41.

                       HOPE
Yes?
                                                            
                       BILL
Just...as someone I admire...on a
scale of one to ten, how would you
rate this hand-holding experience?
                                                            
                       HOPE
This what?
                                                            
                       BILL
Never mind. (beat) Do you want to
find a party to go to or
something?
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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