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The Honeymooners: Dinner Differences (Short)
by Brandon and Gerald Young (young1bd@hotmail.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
Here is our take on a spec script for the classic television sitcom, "The Honeymooners."

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Ralph's boss, Mr. Marshall, is sitting at his desk reading
over some papers. Ralph knocks on the door.
                       MR. MARSHALL
Come in.
Ralph enters and crosses towards Mr. Marshall's desk.
You...uh...wanted to see me, Mr.
                       MR. MARSHALL
Relax, Ralph. Have a seat.
Ralph sits down in the chair across from Mr. Marshall.
                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, you've been driving a bus
for how long now?
13 years, 7 months, and 6 days,
                       MR. MARSHALL
      (eyes watch)
And 6 minutes. Ralph, I brought
you in today to let you know
Ralph timidly wipes his brow.
What's that, Mr. Marshall?
                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, I don't know how to say
this, but I'm going to have to...
Ralph stands and temperance changes to anger.
Going to have to what?


                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, I'm going to have to give
you a raise.
Ralph is now steamed because he think he's been fired.
Almost 14 years driving a bus, day
in and day out; dealing with
crying babies and imbeciles all
day long! Almost fourteen years!
And this is the thanks I get?
                       MR. MARSHALL
Ralph, I said I'm giving you a
That's quite alright, Mr.
Marshall. I guess a raise is a
good parting gift...Wait...A
                       MR. MARSHALL
A ra...ra...ra... A raise?
                       MR. MARSHALL
Yes, a raise.
An ecstatic Ralph breathes a heavy sigh of relief while
humorously motioning around in a circle.
Well, you certainly raised my
heart rate.
                       MR. MARSHALL
For your hard work and dedication,
we're going to pay you an extra
$4.25 a week.
Mr. Marshall, thank you! Thank you
very much! Now I can afford to
take Alice out sometime. Or at
least buy a new bowling ball. I'm
thinking bowling bowl.
He shakes Mr. Marshall's hand profusely, not letting go.


                       MR. MARSHALL
You deserve it, Ralph. Now hurry
up. You're late for your route.
Ralph finally lets go of Mr. Marshall's hand.
Will do, Mr. Marshall, sir. Thank
you. Thank you. Thank you.
Alice is setting the kitchen table as Ralph enters. Ralph
is humming a tune. He goes up to Alice and starts dancing
with her, catching her off guard. He stops dancing and
plants a giant kiss on her lips.
What's gotten into you? Did you
visit Joe the Bartender before
coming home?
No, as a matter of fact, you're
husband just got himself a little
How little?
A mere bag of shells, my doll.
We should go out and celebrate.
Now wait one minute. Wait one
minute! Just because I'm making a
few extra dollars a week doesn't
mean we have to go and spend it
all right away.
Ralph, you're so cheap mother hens
mistake you for their chicks.
Har har hardy har har. Alice, not
even you can bring me down right


I believe gravity has done that
for me already.
Ralph grows angry, but holds it in to the best of his
You're testing my patience, Alice.
That's probably another test you'd
That's it! One of these days,
Alice! One of these days...POW!
Right in the kisser!
Just go ahead and do it already.
Ralph paces around the apartment, fuming with rage, eyeing
Alice in between walks. He collects himself and settles.
You're not worth the hassle.
I'm not worth much of nothing,
living in this castle.
Oh, so now you want to spend the
money to move out?
No, Ralph. We can do whatever you
think we need to do. As long as
what you think we need to do is
pay to get the television fixed.
That television's been broken so
long that there probably ain't no
fixin' it. Hey, I have an idea.
Let's have Norton and Trixie over
for dinner. How's that sound?
That is a splendid idea, Ralph.


      (matter of factly)
I know, that's why I thought of
Ralph moves to the window, opens it and calls up to Norton.
Hey, Norton! Norton!
                       NORTON (OS)
Hey, Ralphie-boy!
Come on down here!
                       NORTON (OS)
You come on up here!
Norton, you better come on down
here or I'm gonna...
                       NORTON (OS)
I'll be down in a minute. Sheesh.
What a grouch?
Ralph closes the window and directs his attention back to
So what are we having for dinner?
How does lasagna sound?
Lasagna sounds great.
Norton enters the apartment and crosses towards the ice
Hello, Alice.
Hi, Ed.
Norton starts digging through the ice chest as Alice exits
to the bedroom.
Hi-ya, Ralph.


Would you get out of there!
What did you wanna see me about?
Let me guess, you need to borrow
some money?
No, I don't need to borrow any
money. I'll have you know, I got a
raise today.
Norton eyes him up and down.
Funny, you don't look any taller;
maybe a little rounder.
That's it! Get out! Go pack your
bags for Bellevue!
Okay, see you later.
Norton crosses to the door and opens it.
Norton, get back over here. No,
you knucklehead. I got a pay
Well, can I borrow some money
Boy, I oughta belt you one!
Ralph raises a fist only to settle back down.
Actually, Alice and I would like
you and Trixie to come down for
dinner this evening. We're having
lasagna, so make sure Trixie knows
how to make it.
Trixie makes a mean lasagna,


I don't care if the lasagna is
mean or nice so long as it's ready
in a couple hours.
Sounds like a plan. We'll see you
Norton quickly snatches up an apple and exits as Alice
enters the room.
I'm gonna take a little
celebration nap before dinner.
You do that while I get everything
ready for dinner.
Ralph exits into the bedroom while Alice starts preparing
things for dinner. She begins humming an immaculate hymn.
                       RALPH (OS)
Knock it off, will ya?!
Ah, shuddup!
Norton enters and finds Trixie cleaning the apartment up a
little. Norton begins talking to Trixie about Ralph's big
Trixie, Ralphie-boy got a raise
today and is having us over for
That's excellent news. Good for
him. What's Alice making for
Alice makes a great lasagna.


Alice? No, Ralph said for you to
make the lasagna.
Me? Well, I suppose I should get
started on it.
You make the best lasagna.
Remember the time you made me some
after our first date?
I wouldn't call you coming to see
my burlesque show a date.
I would.
Oh, Ed.
Ralph enters from the bedroom as Alice is carrying a dish of
lasagna in her hands. Ralph takes notice of the meal.
I didn't hear Norton and Trixie
come down to drop off the lasagna.
What are you talking about, Ralph?
Why would they be doing that?
The Nortons enter with Trixie carrying a dish of lasagna in
her hands as well. Alice and Trixie look at each other's
lasagnas. Ralph has a shocked look on his face to match
Alice and Trixie's. Both Alice and Trixie look at each
other and then to Ralph.
Ralph, I know you like to eat, but
this is a little too much even for
Bang! Zoom! Alice. Bang! Zoom!


Ed told me that Ralph told him to
tell me to make lasagna.
Yeah, I told her what Ralph told
me that I needed to tell her.
No, what did I tell you to tell
Trixie? I told you to tell Trixie
that I told you that Alice is
making lasagna tonight.
But, Trixie made lasagna tonight.
I can see that, you mental case.
If anyone's the mental case it's
you, Ralph. Two lasagnas?
I guess I was still caught up in
the excitement of my raise. Say,
it's alright. We can make this two
dinners. We'll have one tonight
and one tomorrow.
That would be alright.
Well, no one asked you.
That would be great. We can maybe
get a little wine for tomorrow
night; make a swell evening out of
it. Maybe dress up and go dancing.
And maybe you shut your pie hole.
What I'm saying is that we can eat
our lasagna tonight and their
lasagna tomorrow.
Hey, why does our lasagna need to
be eaten tomorrow?


      (mocking Norton)
Why does our lasagna need to be
eaten tomorrow? Fine, we'll have
your lasagna tonight and ours
Wait, I like the idea of ours
being tomorrow.
Don't make me belt you, Norton!
I'm surprised they make a belt big
enough for you.
I'm surprised they make a mouth
big enough for you.
Alright, you two! How about we
have half of each tonight?
Wait, what happened to the other
Ralph steps toward Alice's lasagna.
I'm surprised they even let you
into the sewers. Now look. Here's
what we'll do. I'll just take ours
right here and...
Ralph picks the lasagna up and accidentally drops it. Ralph,
Trixie and Alice's jaws drop. Norton is unaffected.
So, uh, like I said, we'll have
Trixie's lasagna tonight.
      (to Alice)
Well, don't just stand there.
Aren't you going to clean that up?


Just because you can't touch your
toes doesn't automatically make me
clean up everything after you.
Moon, Alice. Moon.
Loud mouth, Ralph. Loud mouth.
Alice reluctantly complies and begins cleaning the fallen
Like I said, we'll have Trixie's
lasagna tonight and the
neighborhood dogs will have ours
Good one, Ralph.
I know. That's why I said it.
Here, I'll just bring yours to the
table here.
Ralph picks the Norton's lasagna up, accidentally spilling
it all over a kneeling Alice. She wipes it from her eyes,
rises up and gives Ralph the crudest of looks. She picks up
a heaping handful and hurls it at Ralph. He ducks causing it
to hit Trixie.
Looks like Alice got you right in
the kisser there, Trixie.
Ah, shuddup!
Trixie picks up a handful and smears it straight into Ed's
face. Norton tries to return the favor, but gets Ralph on
accident. Ralph erupts and starts flinging food in every
which direction, hitting all in sight. All four combatants
start picking up lasagna and chucking it at one another.
It's a chaotic Kramden vs. Norton food fight! Lasagna is
flying everywhere! The pandemonium finally settles as all
four begin laughing hysterically. Ralph picks Alice up,
pulls her close.
Baby, you're the greatest!


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From Roselle Zubey Date 4/14/2011 ***
I liked how you wrote the Kramdens and the Nortons very in character. If this show was still on (I was thinking of the classic show with Jackie Gleason and Art Carney not the movie they made a couple of years ago) I could see this as an episode of the show. It is perfectly formatted, too. I'm just wondering why you chose to write your spec on this show, that's all. Best of luck and keep writing.

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