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The Honeymooners: O' Heavenly Ralph - Short
by Brandon and Gerald Young (byoung@autoanything.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


RALPH is sitting at the table reading the paper. ALICE is
folding some clothes.
I really don't know what you have
against going to church, Ralph.
I really don't know what you have
against keeping your yapper shut
while I'm reading the paper,
One of these days, Ralph...
Hey now! That's my line and you
know it.
Actually, it's God's line.
Everything you say is one of His
lines. You would know that if you
went to church.
Would you shut up and let me read
my paper already?!
Alice commences in folding clothes and begins humming
"Amazing Grace." Ralph gets more and more frustrated. He
slams the paper down on the table.
That does it! I'm headed out to
the bar.
You're going drinking at 10:00 in
the morning on a Sunday?
And why not? There's a big game on
in a few hours and I'd like to
pre-game with the fellas.


Football is only temporary. Your
soul is forever.
Yeah, but I don't have a hundred
big ones on my soul to cover the
spread today.
I wish you would go to church with
me just once. There is this really
funny guy there. He's such a hoot.
You would really enjoy him.
Don't you go trying to make me
jealous so I go to church. It
ain't gonna work on me, Alice. I'm
too smart for your tomfoolery.
I'm not trying to make you
jealous. I was just saying that I
think you two would get along just
swimmingly. He is really funny.
Oh, I bet he's just hi-larious.
Hardy har har.
NORTON barges into the apartment.
Hiya, Ralphie-boy. Oh, hey,
Hey, Norton. You ready to go to
the bar with me?
Ralphie, I can't go; I'm going to
church with Alice and Trixie. I've
been going the past few weeks. You
should come along.
They got to you, too, huh? You
guys and your phony bologna
church. I'm outta here.
Ralph storms out.


Sheesh! What a grump? Come on,
Alice. Trixie's waitin' for us.
Can we pray for Ralph first, Ed?
Sure thing, Alice. The big guy
upstairs sure knows that big lug
down here could use it.
If only Ralph knew.
Alice and Norton bow their heads in prayer.
Hiya, God. It's me, Ed. You
know? Ed Norton. Of course, you
know, you're God. But if you
didn't know...I'm just sayin'...my
name is Ed Norton...
Alice opens her eyes and gives Norton a "look" and
I'm sure he knows, Ed.
Oh, right.
Alice goes back into her "prayer position."
Anyway, we'd like to pray for
Ralphie-boy. Please keep him
safe; watch over him. Please open
his eyes to your truth. In Jesus
name, amen.
Thank you, Ed.
Anytime, Alice.


Alice, Norton and TRIXIE are about to exit the church. They
are amongst the last people to leave. A visibly intoxicated
Ralph stumbles in.
She thinks we'd get along just
swimmingly, she says...Well; I've
got some words for Mr. Funny
Trixie gets Alice and Ed's attention.
Say, is that Ralph? It looks like
someone got into the communion
Ralph staggers to the three.
Where is this comedian? Thinks he
can steal my gal. I'll pulverize
Ralph, this is a place of worship.
Nobody is pulverizing anyone.
Where is he? I'll knock his socks
Ralph throws punches into the air. He drunkenly swings so
hard that he flails to the ground. It temporarily knocks him
This is embarrassing. Let's get
out of here.
We can't just leave him here.
Sure we can. Watch.
Alice exits. Norton and Trixie look at each other, then at
Ralph and follow suit. A young child (LUKE) splashes water
on Ralph, waking him.


      (coming to)
Homina! Homina! Homina!
Hey, mister, wanna hear a joke?
A joke?
Do you think the apostles ever
tried to trick Jesus into blessing
them? Like one of them would
sneeze and Jesus would be like, "I
bless...yeah, nice try, James."
Ralph laughs slowly and builds up to a roaring laughter.
Pretty funny, huh?
You're the funny guy my wife was
telling me about, ain't ya?
I sure is.
What's your name, kid?
Luke. Okay, mister, I have to get
going now.
Thanks for the laugh, Luke.
Sure thing, mister.
Luke exits. Ralph shakes his head and looks up to the
God, I know I don't talk to you
much, except for when I need
things. Well, I need something for
real this time. I need you to be
in my life. I can't do this on my
own. I don't want to go to hell
when I die. I accept your son,
Jesus Christ, as my Lord and


                       RALPH (cont'd)
Savior. Please forgive me of my
sins. In your Son's name I pray,


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