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The Honeymooners: O' Heavenly Ralph - Short
by Brandon and Gerald Young (byoung@autoanything.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED



This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. KRAMDEN APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
RALPH is sitting at the table reading the paper. ALICE is
folding some clothes.
                                                            
                       ALICE
I really don't know what you have
against going to church, Ralph.
                                                            
                       RALPH
I really don't know what you have
against keeping your yapper shut
while I'm reading the paper,
Alice.
                                                            
                       ALICE
One of these days, Ralph...
                                                            
                       RALPH
Hey now! That's my line and you
know it.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Actually, it's God's line.
Everything you say is one of His
lines. You would know that if you
went to church.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Would you shut up and let me read
my paper already?!
                                                            
Alice commences in folding clothes and begins humming
"Amazing Grace." Ralph gets more and more frustrated. He
slams the paper down on the table.
                                                            
                       RALPH
That does it! I'm headed out to
the bar.
                                                            
                       ALICE
You're going drinking at 10:00 in
the morning on a Sunday?
                                                            
                       RALPH
And why not? There's a big game on
in a few hours and I'd like to
pre-game with the fellas.
                                                            

2.

                       ALICE
Football is only temporary. Your
soul is forever.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Yeah, but I don't have a hundred
big ones on my soul to cover the
spread today.
                                                            
                       ALICE
I wish you would go to church with
me just once. There is this really
funny guy there. He's such a hoot.
You would really enjoy him.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Don't you go trying to make me
jealous so I go to church. It
ain't gonna work on me, Alice. I'm
too smart for your tomfoolery.
                                                            
                       ALICE
I'm not trying to make you
jealous. I was just saying that I
think you two would get along just
swimmingly. He is really funny.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Oh, I bet he's just hi-larious.
Hardy har har.
                                                            
NORTON barges into the apartment.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Hiya, Ralphie-boy. Oh, hey,
Alice.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Hey, Norton. You ready to go to
the bar with me?
                                                            
                       NORTON
Ralphie, I can't go; I'm going to
church with Alice and Trixie. I've
been going the past few weeks. You
should come along.
                                                            
                       RALPH
They got to you, too, huh? You
guys and your phony bologna
church. I'm outta here.
                                                            
Ralph storms out.
                                                            

3.

                       NORTON
Sheesh! What a grump? Come on,
Alice. Trixie's waitin' for us.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Can we pray for Ralph first, Ed?
                                                            
                       NORTON
Sure thing, Alice. The big guy
upstairs sure knows that big lug
down here could use it.
                                                            
                       ALICE
If only Ralph knew.
                                                            
Alice and Norton bow their heads in prayer.
                                                            
                       NORTON
      (praying)
Hiya, God. It's me, Ed. You
know? Ed Norton. Of course, you
know, you're God. But if you
didn't know...I'm just sayin'...my
name is Ed Norton...
                                                            
Alice opens her eyes and gives Norton a "look" and
interjects.
                                                            
                       ALICE
I'm sure he knows, Ed.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Oh, right.
                                                            
Alice goes back into her "prayer position."
                                                            
                       NORTON
Anyway, we'd like to pray for
Ralphie-boy. Please keep him
safe; watch over him. Please open
his eyes to your truth. In Jesus
name, amen.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Thank you, Ed.
                                                            
                       NORTON
Anytime, Alice.
                                                            
 

4.

INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
Alice, Norton and TRIXIE are about to exit the church. They
are amongst the last people to leave. A visibly intoxicated
Ralph stumbles in.
                                                            
                       RALPH
She thinks we'd get along just
swimmingly, she says...Well; I've
got some words for Mr. Funny
Pants.
                                                            
Trixie gets Alice and Ed's attention.
                                                            
                       TRIXIE
Say, is that Ralph? It looks like
someone got into the communion
wine.
                                                            
Ralph staggers to the three.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Where is this comedian? Thinks he
can steal my gal. I'll pulverize
him.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Ralph, this is a place of worship.
Nobody is pulverizing anyone.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Where is he? I'll knock his socks
off.
                                                            
Ralph throws punches into the air. He drunkenly swings so
hard that he flails to the ground. It temporarily knocks him
out.
                                                            
                       ALICE
This is embarrassing. Let's get
out of here.
                                                            
                       NORTON
We can't just leave him here.
                                                            
                       ALICE
Sure we can. Watch.
                                                            
Alice exits. Norton and Trixie look at each other, then at
Ralph and follow suit. A young child (LUKE) splashes water
on Ralph, waking him.
                                                            

5.

                       RALPH
      (coming to)
Homina! Homina! Homina!
                                                            
                       LUKE
Hey, mister, wanna hear a joke?
                                                            
                       RALPH
A joke?
                                                            
                       LUKE
Do you think the apostles ever
tried to trick Jesus into blessing
them? Like one of them would
sneeze and Jesus would be like, "I
bless...yeah, nice try, James."
                                                            
Ralph laughs slowly and builds up to a roaring laughter.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Pretty funny, huh?
                                                            
                       RALPH
You're the funny guy my wife was
telling me about, ain't ya?
                                                            
                       LUKE
I sure is.
                                                            
                       RALPH
What's your name, kid?
                                                            
                       LUKE
Luke. Okay, mister, I have to get
going now.
                                                            
                       RALPH
Thanks for the laugh, Luke.
                                                            
                       LUKE
Sure thing, mister.
                                                            
Luke exits. Ralph shakes his head and looks up to the
"heavens."
                                                            
                       RALPH
God, I know I don't talk to you
much, except for when I need
things. Well, I need something for
real this time. I need you to be
in my life. I can't do this on my
own. I don't want to go to hell
when I die. I accept your son,
Jesus Christ, as my Lord and
            (MORE)

6.

                       RALPH (cont'd)
Savior. Please forgive me of my
sins. In your Son's name I pray,
amen.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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