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My Generation - Ep. 3 "Birdbrains"
by Luke Valle (rocker10541@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

The gang try to make it through the night in this parody of the horror classic "THE BIRDS".


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM - THOMPSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
All are sitting around the living room. They all watch TV.
                                                            
                       TV ANNOUNCER
We'll be right back with the
Alfred Hitchcock marathon, right
after this...
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Why was he so fat? I mean, he made
some of the best movies of all
time, you'd think he could afford
a fitness trainer or some kind of
expensive diet or something.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I know, he's not just fat. He's
like morbidly obese.
                                                            
                       KATE
Maybe his parents were fat.
                                                            
                       JOEL
He looks pregnant.
                                                            
                       JULIE
With triplets.
                                                            
                       NICK
I bet if he was still alive, he'd
be promoting JENNY CRAIG with
Princess Leia.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
True, so true.
                                                            
JULIE gets up and heads for the door.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I'm gonna go. I woke up early this
morning and I'm starting to get
sleepy.
                                                            
                       JOEL
What time did you get up?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Noon.
                                                            

2.

                       CHRIS
Wow, that is early.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I know. Bye.
                                                            
All MURMUR a chorus of good-byes. JULIE exits.
                                                            
                       TV ANNOUNCER
And now we return to Alfred
Hitchcock's THE BIRDS.
                                                            
A crow CAWS from the TV. Another CAW comes from outside.
                                                            
                       JULIE (O.S.)
Oww!
                                                            
CHRIS jumps up and runs to the door. As he opens it, JULIE
enters with her hand on her head. She has a bleeding scratch
on her head.
                                                            
                       JULIE (cont'd)
Dammit!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
What happened?
                                                            
                       JULIE
A crow swooped down off your roof
and nicked me.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Son of a bitch.
                                                            
                       NICK
More like, son of a birch.
                                                            
                       KATE
God, that was so corny.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Well, someone had to say it.
                                                            
                       JOEL
True, so true.
                                                            
JULIE goes to sit on the couch. CHRIS heads over to the door
but, before he can close it, the crow swoops into the room.
It soars across the room and SLAMS into the wall, knocking a
painting off the wall. The bird falls to the floor, dead.
KATE jumps up from it's corpse. HANNAH SHRIEKS. NICK inches
away form the bird as JOEL leans towards it.
                                                            

3.

                       JOEL (cont'd)
Oh my god.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Dumb bird.
                                                            
CHRIS closes the door. There is a sudden THUMP at the door.
CHRIS reopens it revealing a dead bird on the welcome mat.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Oh, crap.
                                                            
                                         FADE OUT.
                                                            
END OF COLD OPEN
                                                            
                                         ACT ONE
                                                            
FADE IN:
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - THOMPSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
CHRIS cleans JULIE'S wound. JOEL picks up the crow on the
welcome mat with a tissue and dumps into a plastic bag. The
others sit around the living room, staring at the bird
                                                            
                       KATE
This is so weird. Like THE BIRDS.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Yeah. Who would've thought that on
this night of all nights, two
ravens would go nuts?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
They're crows.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Same thing. Damn big, black, ugly
ass birds. What's the diff'?
                                                            
                       KATE
Ravens are larger... and crows
prey on bottle blonde bimbos.
                                                            
HANNAH forms a worried look on her face. JOEL takes the
plastic bag into the kitchen.
                                                            
                       JULIE
What are the chances that there
would be two crows out, at the
same place at the same time?
                                                            

4.

                       NICK
What is so special about two
crows? Their black, their loud,
they eat our trash. It's a funny
story we'll tell our kids one day
when we're old and gasping for
breath through a respirator.
                                                            
                       KATE
Nick, you are not a well person.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Doesn't it seem weird that this
would happen while we were
watching the birds?
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Yes, and the fact that they
basically committed suicide is
just the icing on the cake.
                                                            
CHRIS puts a bandage on JULIE'S wound. She lays down on the
couch as JOEL enters.
                                                            
                       JOEL
How come I have to do all the
dirty work?
                                                            
                       KATE
What's with all the damn
questions?
                                                            
                       HANNAH
I need some air.
                                                            
HANNAH walks over the front window and opens it. Another
crow swoops through the open window and starts flailing
around the room. Everybody starts SCREAMING and YELLING and
running around the room trying to dodge the bird.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Oh, god! He's is trying to finish
what his friend started!
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Kill the damn raven!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
It's a crow!
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Who cares?!
                                                            

5.

HANNAH runs into the dining room and into the kitchen.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Kill it!
                                                            
KATE picks up a phone book and throws it at the crow. BAM! A
perfect hit. The crow drops to the floor, dead. NICK runs
over to the front window and SLAMS it closed.
                                                            
                       NICK
No one open this window.
                                                            
HANNAH re-enters the living room.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Is it dead?
                                                            
                       KATE
I think.
                                                            
HANNAH backs away.
                                                            
                       JULIE
It's dead, dammit.
                                                            
HANNAH re-enters the living room, again.
                                                            
                       JOEL
This is getting weird.
                                                            
                       KATE
Like it wasn't weird before.
                                                            
A slight HUMMING comes from the chimney.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
What the hell is that?
                                                            
The HUMMING gets louder and soon becomes a MURMURED
CHIRPING.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Sparrows.
                                                            
JOEL runs over to the chimney and shuts the flu closed. He
backs away from the chimney. A sound, like several bullets
hitting a sheet of metal, comes from the chimney.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
This isn't funny anymore.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
When was it ever funny?
                                                            

6.

                       KATE
Again with the questions.
                                                            
                                         FADE TO:
                                                            
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
                                                            
All the windows and doors are boarded up and blocked by
furniture. CHRIS and JOEL are boarding up the last window in
the living room. HANNAH sits on the couch in the fettle
position. JULIE comes in from the kitchen with a cup of tea.
She sits next to HANNAH and hands her the cup.
                                                            
CHRIS and JOEL finish up on the last window. NICK come
downstairs. KATE enters from the kitchen.
                                                            
                       NICK
We got all the windows upstairs.
                                                            
                       KATE
I got the basement.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
This doesn't make any sense. Why
are they attacking? What did we
do? Okay, so I kicked a pigeon
once. He was after my soft
pretzel.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Hannah.
                                                            
                       KATE
She did that to me too.
                                                            
                       JOEL
She bit me once.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Wait, you kicked Kate and bit
Joel, but you can't even lift a
full gallon of milk?
                                                            
                       HANNAH
In real life, I'm a wimp. But,
when I'm provoked, I'm an Axe
murderer.
                                                            
HANNAH takes sip of tea.
                                                            
                       NICK
Oh, and I'm not a well person?
                                                            

7.

There is pecking at the windows and doors.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Oh god, they're gonna kill us.
                                                            
                       KATE
Hannah, they're birds.
                                                            
                       NICK
Homicidal birds.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Nick, you are so not a well
person.
                                                            
CRACK! The birds start breaking through the wood on the
windows. HANNAH SCREAMS at the top of her lungs.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Hey, you're screaming in my ear
here.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
They're gonna kill us!
                                                            
                       JULIE
Again, I'm sitting right here.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
But, they're gonna kill us.
                                                            
                       KATE
"They're gonna kill us." "They're
gonna kill us." Stop bitchin' and
shut the hell up.
                                                            
CRACK! The birds are starting to break further through the
wood.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Okay, let's go in the basement.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Agreed.
                                                            
All run out of the room.
                                                            
INT. BASEMENT
                                                            
All run downstairs. CHRIS closes the door and locks it.
HANNAH takes out her cell phone and looks at it.
                                                            

8.

                       HANNAH
Crap, my battery's dying.
                                                            
KATE looks over at HANNAH'S phone.
                                                            
                       KATE
Your wallpaper is a nude photo of
Antonio Banderas?
                                                            
                       HANNAH
I'm human. I need some eye candy
once on a while.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
How much battery do you have?
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Just enough to make one phone
call.
                                                            
HANNAH dials a number on the phone.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Didn't anyone else bring their
phones?
                                                            
                       JULIE
I think mine's upstairs.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Me too.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Did we all leave our phones
upstairs?
                                                            
                       NICK
Pretty much.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
      (into phone)
Hello.
                                                            
JULIE SHUSHES everyone.
                                                            
                       JULIE
She's getting help.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
      (into phone)
Is this "Betty's Boutique"?
                                                            

9.

                       KATE
What?
                                                            
                       HANNAH
      (into phone)
I was calling about returning a
blue sweater I purchased last
Sunday.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Hannah.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
      (into phone)
My is Hannah Hollingsworth. The
name on the credit card is David
Hollingsworth, my father.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Are you insane?
                                                            
                       NICK
SHH! She's on the phone.
                                                            
                       KATE
Gimme that.
                                                            
KATE tries to snatch the phone from HANNAH but she won't let
go. The two start a tug-of-war with the phone, after a while
HANNAH loses her grip and KATE gets the phone. She puts the
phone up to her ear.
                                                            
                       KATE (cont'd)
      (into phone)
Hello?
      (throws phone)
Damn.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Hey, that's an iPhone. They're
expensive.
                                                            
                       KATE
You wasted our one call on
returning a sweater!
                                                            
                       HANNAH
No, I didn't return the sweater.
You cut me off, now I'm stuck with
a thousand-dollar sweater.
                                                            

10.

                       KATE
Good, maybe they can bury you in
it when those damn birds peck you
to death.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Oh.
                                                            
                                         FADE OUT.
                                                            
END OF ACT ONE
                                                            
                                         ACT TWO
                                                            
FADE IN:
                                                            
 
INT. BASEMENT - THOMPSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
All are asleep in sleeping bags around the room, except for
HANNAH, who paces around the room. As she paces she suddenly
trips. CHRIS sits up with his hand on his head.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Will you go to bed before you hurt
some else with your pacing.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Tried, can't sleep. They're out
there. Watching me. Waiting. Ready
to strike.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Hannah, shut up and go to bed.
                                                            
CHRIS lays back down. HANNAH continues to pace.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
What if they sneak in while we're
asleep and slit our throats?
                                                            
KATE sits up, looking tired.
                                                            
                       KATE
We'll go to "Betty's Boutique" and
buy you a scarf. Maybe we can get
one that matches that sweater you
tried to exchange our lives for.
                                                            
JOEL sits up.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Do you people ever shut up?
                                                            

11.

                       HANNAH
What if they attack in the night?
                                                            
                       JOEL
Birds have to go to sleep sooner
or later. Just like you, now shut
the hell up and go to bed.
                                                            
JOEL and KATE both lay back down. HANNAH continues to pace.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
      (pacing)
Fine, go to bed. If getting a few
hours sleep is worth your lives,
then why the hell not?
                                                            
                       NICK
Oh, shut up!
                                                            
There is a tapping at the windows. HANNAH freezes and the
others sit up.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Oh my god, they're insomniacs.
                                                            
HANNAH starts to cry.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
      (crying)
We're gonna die!
                                                            
                       KATE
Hannah, shut up.
                                                            
The boards on the windows start breaking.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Uh-oh.
                                                            
CRACK! The wood splits and birds start pouring into the
room. Everyone starts SCREAMING and YELLING. CHRIS and JULIE
jump out of their sleeping bags and run with HANNAH to the
door. JOEL stands up, still in his sleeping bag, and tries
to waddle to the stairs. KATE tries to unzip her sleeping
bag, but the zipper gets stuck.
                                                            
                       KATE
Help me, you dumb bastards!
                                                            
JOEL starts to waddle back to KATE, but trips and falls. He
gets back up and starts hopping over to KATE. He grabs her
by her arms and pulls her out of her sleeping bag. She picks
up her sleeping bag ans starts swatting the birds with it.

12.

As she does this she heads to the door, JOEL hopping behind
her.
                                                            
JOEL falls down. He struggle to get his sleeping bag off,
but he finally gets it off and runs with KATE to the stairs
and they run out of the room.
                                                            
INT. KITCHEN
                                                            
JOEL and KATE dash in from the basement and SLAM the door
shut behind them. The others wait for them in the kitchen.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
What took you guys so long?
                                                            
KATE approaches HANNAH slowly.
                                                            
                       KATE
You... you, you... you bitch.
                                                            
KATE pulls on her own hair and sits on the ground gasping
for breath.
                                                            
                       JOEL
We've got to get out of this
house.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Where are we supposed to go?
                                                            
                       NICK
No matter where we go, they're
gonna follow us.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
They're just birds.
                                                            
                       KATE
THEY'RE the anti-Christ.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Maybe if we give them a sacrifice,
they'll leave.
                                                            
                       JOEL
They're birds, not natives.
                                                            
KATE pulls herself up from the floor.
                                                            
                       KATE
What would they want?
                                                            

13.

                       NICK
A virgin?
                                                            
CHRIS and NICK look at JOEL. HANNAH and KATE look at JULIE.
                                                            
                       JULIE
What?
                                                            
                       JOEL
We're all virgins.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Some more than others.
                                                            
                       KATE
      (looking at Hannah)
Or less than.
                                                            
The birds start pecking at the door. CHRIS locks it as
HANNAH SCREAMS.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
We're gonna die.
                                                            
                       KATE
"We're gonna die.", that's what
you sound like. "We're gonna die."
That's how irritating your voice
is.
                                                            
The birds start breaking through the door.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Run!
                                                            
All start running out of the room.
                                                            
                       JOEL
This is just like PAC-MAN.
                                                            
                       KATE
PAC-MAN'S more fun.
                                                            
INT. LIVING ROOM
                                                            
All run in and the power goes out. JULIE accidentally runs
into DR. THOMPSON'S office, as the other run up stairs.
                                                            
INT. DR. THOMPSON'S OFFICE
                                                            
JULIE stands at the door, gasping for breath. She flips the
light switch several times.
                                                            

14.

                       JULIE
Damn! Damn! Damn!
                                                            
The power comes back on. She flicks the lights on and turns
around. There are birds all over the room.
                                                            
                       JULIE (cont'd)
Oh, crap.
                                                            
The birds start screeching and fluttering around the room.
They all hover near JULIE, attacking her. She SCREAMS.
                                                            
                       JULIE (cont'd)
Away! Away, damn birds! Retarded,
ass-backwards birds!
                                                            
JULIE opens the door and slips into the living room.
                                                            
INT. LIVING ROOM
                                                            
JULIE SLAMS the door behind her. She gasps for breath as the
others runs downstairs.
                                                            
                       JULIE (cont'd)
I hate birds.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
What happened?
                                                            
                       JULIE
A few birds stopped by, we a
little chat. I said "Hi.", they
attacked me, I screamed, ya' know
the usual.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Let's get out of here.
                                                            
                       JOEL
I agree.
                                                            
                       KATE
Me too.
                                                            
                       NICK
You're agreeing with Hannah?
                                                            
                       KATE
Scary, huh?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Okay, let's say we leave the
house. Where do we go from there?
                                                            

15.

                       HANNAH
Who cares? Just keep running until
they get tired and decide to rest.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Right, but, it's important that we
stick together.
                                                            
                       KATE
Yeah, we're all each other has
right now.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Exactly.
                                                            
The birds start breaking through the office door. HANNAH
SCREAMS and runs upstairs.
                                                            
                       KATE
Way to go, team player.
                                                            
                       JOEL
Why are even friends with her?
                                                            
CRACK! The birds get out in the kitchen.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Oh, crap!
                                                            
The birds in the office start to break through too.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Well, it was nice knowing you
guys.
                                                            
JULIE kisses CHRIS.
                                                            
                       JULIE
We should've had sex when we
could've.
                                                            
INT. HALLWAY - 2ND FLOOR
                                                            
HANNAH runs down the hallway. She stops at the end of the
hallway and looks behind, waiting for the birds. After a
moment, she turns back around and looks out the window.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
What the hell?
                                                            
INT. HALLWAY/EXT. STREET - HANNAH'S POV
                                                            
A man stands on the corner. He puts a cigar in his mouth.
                                                            

16.

                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Hey! Hey, mister! Help! I being
chased by birds!
                                                            
He lights his cigar with a match.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Who uses matches anymore?
                                                            
The man throws the match in a puddle of gasoline and there
is a huge explosion.
                                                            
INT. HALLWAY
                                                            
HANNAH SCREAMS.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Oh my god! First the birds, now
flammable water!
                                                            
HANNAH SCREAMS, again. The birds appear at the end of the
hall. HANNAH SCREAMS another time and runs into the master
bedroom, on her right, as the birds follow her.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Get away from me!
                                                            
INT. MASTER BEDROOM
                                                            
HANNAH enters and SLAMS the door shut. She backs away as the
birds do their job on the door. Just as they start breaking
through the door, HANNAH bumps into a phone both placed in
the middle of the room.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Thank god, a panic room.
                                                            
HANNAH gets in the phone both. The birds finally break
through the door and the flutter around the phone as HANNAH
squirms around, in fear. She constantly SCREAMS as several
birds try to break through the glass. She turns and sees the
phone.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
A phone! How vintage.
                                                            
HANNAH picks up the receiver and moves her as if she is
about to dial, but stops.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
How do you dial this damn thing?!
                                                            

17.

HANNAH SLAMS the receiver at the cradle several times. She
then lets the receiver drop as she squirms and SCREAMS some
more. One bird flies into the glass, smashing it. HANNAH
SCREAMS even louder than before.
                                                            
INT. VORTEX
                                                            
HANNAH spins in a hypnotic vortex, like in VERTIGO,
SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Whoa! Trippy, man.
                                                            
INT. LIVING ROOM
                                                            
All sit around the room. HANNAH sits, asleep, on the couch.
Next to her is NICK who has a big bowl of popcorn in his
lap. On his right is KATE, drinking her soda. HANNAH
suddenly sits up straight and SCREAMS. All YELL, NICK knocks
his popcorn into KATE lap and KATE spills her soda in his.
JULIE, sitting on CHRIS' lap, falls onto the floor and JOEL
jumps up and stands on his chair.
                                                            
                       KATE
Dammit, Hannah.
                                                            
                       JULIE
Freakin' psycho.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Oh my god, you guys aren't dead.
                                                            
                       KATE
And fish swim, and Alfred
Hitchcock is fat. These are all
things we know.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
I had a horrible nightmare. Birds
were attacking the house and then
there was a phone both and clever,
witty dialog and an homage to
VERTIGO.
                                                            
JULIE gets off the floor and sits back on CHRIS' lap. JOEL
sits back in the chair. NICK and KATE both get up. KATE
brushes the popcorn onto the floor.
                                                            
                       KATE
Chris, got a vacuum cleaner?
                                                            
                       CHRIS
It's in the closet.
                                                            

18.

                       NICK
Chris, can I change into some of
your clothes.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
Sure.
                                                            
                       JULIE
God, you're a push-over.
                                                            
NICK heads upstairs. KATE heads over to the closet.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Man, that Alfred Hitchcock is fat.
                                                            
                       CHRIS
I know, he's just fat. He's like
morbidly obese.
                                                            
KATE re-joins the group as she unravels the chord.
                                                            
                       KATE
Maybe his parents were fat.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Uh-oh.
                                                            
                       JOEL
He looks pregnant.
                                                            
                       JULIE
With triplets.
                                                            
HANNAH mouths out the words as NICK speaks.
                                                            
                       NICK
I bet if he was still alive, he'd
be promoting JENNY CRAIG with
Princess Leia.
                                                            
JULIE gets up and heads for the door.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I'm gonna go home. I woke up early
this morning and I'm starting to
get sleepy.
                                                            
                       JOEL
What time did you get up?
                                                            
                       JULIE
Noon.
                                                            

19.

                       CHRIS
Wow, that is early.
                                                            
                       JULIE
I know. Bye.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
This isn't okay.
                                                            
All MURMUR a chorus of good-byes. JULIE exits.
                                                            
                       TV ANNOUNCER
And now we return to Alfred
Hitchcock's THE BIRDS.
                                                            
A crow CAWS from the TV. Another CAW comes from outside.
                                                            
                       JULIE (O.S.)
Oww!
                                                            
                       HANNAH
Oy.
                                                            
CHRIS jumps up and runs to the door. As he opens it, JULIE
enters with her hand on her head. She has a bleeding scratch
on her head.
                                                            
                       JULIE (cont'd)
Dammit!
                                                            
                       CHRIS
What happened?
                                                            
                       JULIE
A crow swooped down off your roof
and nicked me.
                                                            
HANNAH SCREAMS.
                                                            
INT. VORTEX
                                                            
HANNAH spins in the VERTIGO vortex, SCREAMING, again.
                                                            
                       HANNAH
What the hell is going on?! I
don't like this! I'm getting
dizzy! Hello?! Anyone there?!
                                                            
HANNAH starts spinning faster.
                                                            
                       HANNAH (cont'd)
Whoa! This isn't fun anymore! It
wasn't fun in the first place, but
that's not the point. Hello?!
            (MORE)

20.

                       HANNAH (cont'd)
That's it, where are you? Who's
working this thing?!
                                                            
                                         FADE OUT.
                                                            


THE END


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