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Love Nest
by Kate Hall (katherinehall13@email.usn.org)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

A wedding and its crazy guests. Work in progress.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

INT. CAFE - DAY
                                                            
Mary and Katherine are sitting outside at a sidewalk cafe.
Mary is frantically flipping through a bridal magazine, and
Katherine is sitting back in her chair, calming sipping her
water.
                                                            
                       MARY
Katherine, I look NOTHING like
these women.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
'Cause they've all got the glow.
You don't got the glow yet.
                                                            
                       MARY
What glow?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
The married glow! Give me that.
                                                            
Katherine grabs the magazine and stuffs it in her own purse.
                                                            
                       MARY
I'm so nervous.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Girl, get a grip. He JUST asked
you.
                                                            
                       MARY
I know, I know! But what if I
screw it up?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
He. JUST. Asked. You. Last night.
                                                            
Mary sighs deeply.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Are you having second thoughts? If
so, I'll take him.
                                                            
                       MARY
You slore. No, I'm not.
                                                            
Mary smiles.
                                                            
                       MARY
It's pretty exciting, isn't it?
                                                            

2.

                       KATHERINE
Have you LOOKED at that rock? Of
course it's exciting.
                                                            
Katherine leans forward in her chair.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Okay, so here's what you have to
do. You have to go out and fuck as
many guys as you can before you
tie the knot.
                                                            
                       MARY
What?!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
'Cause after this, you're not
going to be able to do that
anymore.
                                                            
                       MARY
I don't do that anyway! I'm not
YOU. Besides, I love Dave.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
You're so boring. So I'm going to
be a bridesmaid, right?
                                                            
                       MARY
Of course. You're my best friend.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
What color are the dresses going
to be? Don't do yellow. I look
awful in yellow.
                                                            
                       MARY
I haven't thought about this yet!!
You're stressing me out!!
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Does Dave have any hot friends?
                                                            
 
INT. CAFE - DAY
                                                            
Dave and Carl are sitting at the same cafe one hour later.
Dave is crying hysterically.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Carl, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
                                                            

3.

                       CARL
You ordered a diet soda.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!? I've made
a horrible mistake!
                                                            
                       CARL
I know. They give you awful gas.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Carl, I'm talking about Mary! Why
did I propose?
                                                            
                       CARL
Well, presumably it was because
you love her.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I DO. I DO love her. That's why
this is so awful.
                                                            
                       CARL
...I'm not following.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I just love her SO much. What have
I done? She doesn't deserve a fool
like me.
                                                            
                       CARL
Dave. Come on. Mary loves you.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I KNOW. IT'S TERRIBLE.
                                                            
Dave sobs.
                                                            
                       CARL
Listen to me. You're going to be a
great husband.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Really?
                                                            
                       CARL
If you stop this nonsense, yes.
And get a haircut.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What's wrong with my hair? Oh god,
I'm hideous. She doesn't deserve
me.
                                                            

4.

Dave sobs. Pause.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I need to think about things
before I do them. It's always been
a bad habit of mine. I want to
spend the rest of my life with
Mary. I've known that since the
day I met her. I was positive. I
just needed to...think about it
first.
                                                            
                       CARL
What exactly are you worried
about?
                                                            
                       DAVE
She's not going to be happy with
me.
                                                            
                       CARL
She said yes, didn't she?
                                                            
                       DAVE
She could have been lying. Dirty
bitch. What a bitch. Oh my god.
She doesn't love me.
                                                            
                       CARL
SNAP OUT OF IT. You shouldn't be
upset. If anyone should be upset,
it's me.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You?
                                                            
                       CARL
Yes. We can't just be single men
together anymore. And what's going
to happen to our apartment? Are
you going to make me live alone
with Fred? You know what that will
do to my self-esteem.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (shrugs)
This is true. He DOES tend to just
sort of.......hover.
                                                            

5.

                       CARL
And he's such a 3rd wheel. One
night, when Sally came over and we
were in my room. He just stood
outside the door and knocked.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (nods)
I remember that. Two whole hours.
                                                            
                       CARL
And you DO know what getting
married means, right?
                                                            
                       DAVE
...what?
                                                            
                       CARL
You can't just go out and fuck
random girls anymore.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I don't do that anyway! I'm not
YOU, Carl.
                                                            
                       CARL
And also, if all this with Mary
doesn't work out, you still have
Ada.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't call her Ada. That's weird.
It's Mrs. Donald.
                                                            
                       CARL
Whatever you call her, she still
wants in your pants.
                                                            
                       DAVE
That is SO creepy. Stop this
nonsense talk.
                                                            
                       CARL
Dude, older women are the best.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I have no doubt that what you are
saying is completely true. I am
not, however, going to make a move
on MARY'S MOM. Besides, she
doesn't like me very much.
                                                            

6.

                       CARL
Are you kidding me? She showed up
to dinner in a lingerie.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I guess that's a little weird.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       CARL
Are you still freaking out about
the wedding?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Not really. Now I just can't get
the image of Mrs. Donald in red
panties out of my head. (shudder)
                                                            
 
INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
We see Reverend Dillard sitting in a church pew, reading a
porn magazine and drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels. A
Receptionist enters from the church office and Dillard
scrambles to shove the bottle and magazine into the pocket
of the pew in front of him.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
      (burps)
What?
                                                            
                       RECEPTIONIST
Reverend, sir, you have a phone
call.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Take a message. I'm...conversing
with...God.
                                                            
                       RECEPTIONIST
I think it's important, Reverend.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
      (stands up)
Bah, I'm coming.
                                                            
Dillard enters the office and takes the phone.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Hello?
                                                            
We see Margo pacing around her living room, smiling and
giggling excitedly.
                                                            

7.

                       MARGO
IT'S ME!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
      (sighs)
Oh, hey, sis, what's up?
                                                            
Dillard looks around, then takes a handful of peppermints
from the bowl on the counter and shoves them in his pants.
                                                            
                       MARGO
GUESS WHAT.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
...you're off your meds?
                                                            
                       MARGO
BESIDES THAT.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Uhh...you got another cat?
                                                            
                       MARGO
NO. GUESS AGAIN.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Margo...look....I'm
really..........busy.
                                                            
Dillard eyes the church pews.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Call Dad.
                                                            
                       MARGO
NO. GUESS AGAIN.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
      (sighs)
I give up. What is it?
                                                            
                       MARGO
Mary and Dave got engaged!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
In the name of all that is
holy...god fucking dammit.
                                                            
                       MARGO
And that's not even the best part!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
There's more?
                                                            

8.

                       MARGO
I'M THROWING THEM A SURPRISE
WEDDING.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
...a what?
                                                            
                       MARGO
A surprise wedding! They won't
even be expecting it! We'll invite
everyone over: bridesmaids,
caterers, grandparents, everybody.
And then they'll just WALK into
their own wedding! SURPRISE!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
No...just -- I mean, what if they
show up in sweatpants?
                                                            
                       MARGO
We'll tell Mary to wear her
wedding dress.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
See, Margo, that's not really how
weddings work. Most people want
their wedding to be...planned-out.
Special.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       MARGO
Are you saying it won't be
special?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
No, I didn't mean it like tha--
                                                            
                       MARGO
I will have you know that everyone
I have ever met has told me I AM
SPECIAL.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I know that, Margo. And for a very
good reason...
                                                            
                       MARGO
They are going to love it,
Dillard. You have no idea. I have
been Dave's sister for as long as
I can remember, and I know that HE
            (MORE)

9.

                       MARGO (cont'd)
LOVES SURPRISES.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I'm sure he does. Most people do.
But I've been Dave's BROTHER for
as long as I can remember, and I
know that he doesn't usually like
YOUR surprises.
                                                            
                       MARGO
THAT WAS ONE TIME. How many times
do I have to tell people that the
male strippers were an ACCIDENT?
It's not my fault they looked like
girls.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I believe you. All I'm saying is
that even though people like
surprise PARTIES, a wedding is a
special event. People like to
personalize it and make it
meaningful to THEM.
                                                            
Dillard picks his nose.
                                                            
                       MARGO
When are you going to admit it,
Dill?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Admit what?
                                                            
                       MARGO
That you're in looooooooove with
Mary.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Can we not get into this? How did
this even--
                                                            
                       MARGO
Puh-lease, big brah. You just
lectured me about how special
weddings are. You haven't been
this sentimental since Coby died.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
      (tears up and
       bites lower lip)
He was a GOOD ferret. Goddammit.
                                                            

10.

                       MARGO
Dill, all I'm sayin' is that you
gotta let her go.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I can't let her go when I never
even had her in the first place.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       MARGO
...so you really don't think the
surprise wedding is a good idea?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
No, I really don't. Especially not
this one.
                                                            
                       MARGO
Well, I'd better go. I'm the Maid
of Horror, so I gotta get back to
my duties.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
The Maid of what?
                                                            
                       MARGO
Oh, also before I go! Mary and
Dave want you to marry them!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
WHAT?!
                                                            
                       MARGO
Gotta go!
                                                            
Margo hangs up.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Fuck.
                                                            
 
INT. HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
We see Ken and Ada sitting across from each other at the
dinner table eating creme brulee. The phone rings, and Ken
gets up to answer it.
                                                            
                       KEN
Hold that thought, sweetie.
                                                            
Ken walks out of the room to answer the phone.
Ada nods and looks around the room coyly, giggling.
                                                            

11.

                       KEN
Hello?
                                                            
Ada plays with her napkin.
                                                            
                       KEN
Oh, wow. Oh, wow!
                                                            
Ada turns around for a second, but then turns back around
and crosses and uncrosses her legs.
                                                            
                       KEN
Already? Congrats.
                                                            
Ada shifts in her chair so she is turned to face Ken's
general direction.
                                                            
                       KEN
Of course we'll be at the wedding.
                                                            
                       ADA
Ooooh! A wedding! I love weddings.
I wonder whose it is. I hope it's
not that wore Jennifer. What a
bitch. What. A. Bitch.
                                                            
                       KEN
Who's catering? And planning? And
when is it?
                                                            
                       ADA
Weddings are so beautiful. So
elegant. And those little cookies
at the reception....
                                                            
                       KEN
You don't have a date yet? And no
planner? Can I be your planner?
                                                            
Ada starts humming "Here Comes the Bride."
                                                            
                       KEN
What's that? You don't want me to
tell your mom?
                                                            
Ada turns around in her chair to face Ken.
                                                            
                       ADA
What? Who is that?
                                                            
                       KEN
Why wouldn't you want...----oh.
                                                            

12.

                       ADA
Is that Mary? Mary and Dave are
getting married?
                                                            
                       KEN
I see...it's just...
                                                            
                       ADA
Mary and Dave are getting married?
                                                            
She smiles and laughs.
                                                            
                       ADA
My little girl! My only daughter!
Birthed from my own loins! And
what a hunk of a man...
                                                            
                       KEN
I mean, I'll see what I can do...
                                                            
                       ADA
      (sexy voice)
Oh, hello, Dave...you look so nice
in that tux...
                                                            
                       KEN
It's kind of hard to keep your mom
away from your own wedding, honey.
                                                            
                       ADA
Dave...oh, Dave. Dave, Dave,
Dave...
                                                            
                       KEN
Yes, I remember what happened in
the restaurant.
                                                            
                       ADA
      (begins to remove
       her shawl)
MEOW.
                                                            
                       KEN
And I'm really sorry about that.
Your mom was just a
little...strange...that night. No,
I don't think she's in love with
Dave.
                                                            
                       ADA
      (starts undressing)
DAVE. TAKE ME NOW.
                                                            

13.

                       KEN
Uhh...listen, sweetie. I have to
go...I think your mom is having
another...episode. Love you, bye!
                                                            
                       ADA
      (moans)
Dave! Dave!
                                                            
 
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
We see Franz sitting alone in his room on his bed. He is
wrapped in an electric blanket and looks extremely cozy.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I am so glad I moved to America.
Everyone is so nice here.
And orange. They are so orange and
fat.
And I am so glad I have met Dave
and Carl.
I love them so much.
I think Carl has a crush on me.
(giggles)
Dave is very very nice. He was
very very nice to share his
apartment with me.
I wonder what he is doing right
now. I think I will call him.
                                                            
Franz picks up the phone and dials a number. We see Dave in
the middle of a passionate moment with Mary.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Ugh. Sorry, Mare. That might be
work.
                                                            
                       MARY
Ugh!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hello?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
HI.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm sorry, who is this?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Dave, it is me!
                                                            

14.

                       DAVE
Franz?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
HI.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hi. What do you want, Franz? Is
something wrong?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
No, no! I just wanted to say hi.
HI.
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's late.
                                                            
Moans and looks at Mary, and holds up one finger.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I know! I am in bed with my
vibrating electric blanket! Are
you in bed, Dave?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I.....was............
                                                            
Mary rolls her eyes.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Listen, Franz...I'll be back at
the apartment tomorrow morning,
okay? Go to sleep.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
OKAY!
                                                            
Dave hangs up the phone.
                                                            
                       MARY
Your friends are so weird.
                                                            
                       DAVE
He's not REALLY my friend...we're
just kind of...keeping.....him for
a while.
                                                            
Mary laughs and sighs.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Do you want to...continue? (raises
an eyebrow)
                                                            

15.

                       MARY
I think the mood's a little gone,
don't you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (purrs)
I can get the mood back.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave! That tickles!
                                                            
They kiss passionately and do other things for a few
minutes.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Are you excited for our wedding?
                                                            
                       MARY
I'm so excited.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Is Jacques coming?
                                                            
                       MARY
Ugh! Dave! You killed it again!
                                                            
                       DAVE
What?! No!
                                                            
                       MARY
Why would you bring up my creepy
uncle when we're having a
passionate moment?
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Jacques sitting in a posh room with his son Milo.
Milo is quietly sitting on the floor reading the dictionary
and Jacques is sitting in a chair quietly, stroking his
mustache.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Milo, what letter are you on?
                                                            
                       MILO
I'm on C, Father.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Only on C?
                                                            
                       MILO
I only started yesterday, Father.
                                                            

16.

                       JACQUES
Read faster!
                                                            
                       MILO
Daddy, I'm sorry!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
I am not your daddy. I am your
Father.
                                                            
                       MILO
Sorry, father.
                                                            
There is silence while Milo continues reading. Jacques gets
up and begins to pace the room. He approaches the window,
and opens the curtains, then closes them again. He does this
a few times before backing away and sitting back down. He
stares intently at the back of Milo's head.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
You know I'll always love you,
Milo, even though I'll never be
your daddy.
                                                            
                       MILO
Yes, Father.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Are you saying "Father" with a
capital F?
                                                            
                       MILO
Yes, Father.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Good, good.
                                                            
                       MILO
Father?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Hm?
                                                            
                       MILO
Where is my daddy?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
I stabbed him 37 times in the
ches--ahem--I mean, I don't know.
                                                            

17.

                       MILO
Do you think I'll ever meet him,
Father?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
I doubt it. Do you doubt my love
for you, Milo?
                                                            
                       MILO
No, Father.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Good, good.
                                                            
                       MILO
Father, your pants are vibrating.
                                                            
                       MILO
Good call! I see the telepathic
exercises have started working.
                                                            
He answers his phone.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Aloha.
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
                                                            
We see Dave and Mary sitting in the lobby of a hotel. They
are laughing and flirting as usual, and there are lots of
papers and fliers on the table in front of them. Ken and Ada
enter. Ada is blindfolded.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dad! I told you not to bring Mom!
                                                            
                       KEN
I'm sorry, sweetie. But there's no
way to keep her out of this.
                                                            
                       ADA
Kenny? Where are we?
                                                            
                       MARY
Dad!
                                                            
                       KEN
Mary!
                                                            
                       ADA
Ada!
                                                            

18.

                       MARY
      (rolls eyes)
Ugh, come on, you guys. We have a
table over here.
                                                            
Mary leads Ken and Ada over to the table. Dave stands up
when he sees them approaching.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I thought Ada wasn't allowed!
                                                            
                       ADA
Is that Dave?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (disguising voice)
No!
                                                            
                       ADA
Dave! It IS you! I can't tell you
how happy I am to see you!
      (giggles)
                                                            
They all sit down.
                                                            
                       MARY
So, Dad, we're thinking about
having the wedding either here or
here.
      (gestures to two
       different
       brochures)
                                                            
                       KEN
These look nice! Really nice.
REALLY nice.
                                                            
                       DAVE
It IS customary for the bride's
parents to pay for the wedding,
you know.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave!
                                                            
                       DAVE
What?!
                                                            
                       MARY
I was going to EASE into that!
                                                            
                       KEN
Keep going. It's okay.
                                                            

19.

                       MARY
Okay, so Dave and I can't really
afford a big wedding, you know
that. We both work part-time jobs
in cubicles.
                                                            
                       KEN
Mhmm.
                                                            
                       MARY
So...we were wondering if you
could maybe...chip in a bit?
                                                            
                       KEN
A bit? These places would require
us to chip in A LOT.
                                                            
                       MARY
...yeah.
                                                            
                       MARY
But we would make it up to you in
any way we can.
                                                            
                       ADA
ANY way?
                                                            
                       MARY
Mom!
                                                            
                       KEN
Have you thought about the guest
list yet?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes. So far we have you, maybe
Ada, Katherine, Carl, maybe Franz,
William, Lady L, Mrs.
Cobble...and...that's it. We don't
know what many people.
                                                            
                       ADA
Is that YOUR leg, Dave?
                                                            
                       KEN
What about entertainment?
                                                            
                       MARY
We thought we'd get Primrose to
play piano, and Margo to sing and
do stand-up comedy.
                                                            

20.

                       KEN
Stand-up comedy at a wedding?
                                                            
                       DAVE
We're just those kind of people.
                                                            
                       KEN
What about the priest? Who's going
to marry you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I found a great guy on craigslist,
but Mary said no because his
picture was a selfie.
                                                            
                       MARY
And it's just ridiculous! Who gets
a priest off craigslist? Besides,
I want Dillard to marry us.
                                                            
                       KEN
...you're kidding.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I tried to tell her.
                                                            
                       MARY
He's one of my best friends, Dave!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Mary, my brother has been in love
with you since the day he met you
at my bar mitzvah.
                                                            
                       MARY
I can't believe we've known each
other for that long.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I can't believe you want Dillard
to marry us.
                                                            
                       MARY
It's NOT a big deal.
                                                            
                       ADA
I think Mary and Dillard should
get married.
                                                            
                       KEN
You know you have to invite
Jacques and Milo.
                                                            

21.

                       MARY
Dad!
                                                            
                       KEN
They're family!
                                                            
                       MARY
No, they're not! They're not
related to us in any way!
                                                            
                       KEN
Yes, they are!
                                                            
                       MARY
How?!
                                                            
                       KEN
I don't know! They just are.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dad! Jacques creeps me out so bad.
                                                            
                       KEN
This is besides the point.
                                                            
                       MARY
I'm not inviting him.
                                                            
                       KEN
If you don't invite him, I'm not
paying for the wedding.
                                                            
Mary and Dave look shocked. They whisper amongst themselves
for a few moments.
                                                            
                       MARY
Fine. He can come. But he can't
stay for the reception.
                                                            
                       KEN
Fair enough. Now, we have to get
your mom out of here...she's
sweating.
                                                            
 
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Primrose sitting on his couch in the dark. The glow
of the TV is reflecting on his tear-stained face. The floor
and the surrounding area are littered with used tissues.
Primrose is quietly sobbing.
                                                            

22.

                       PRIMROSE
I...I just can't believe it.
That's the end. I never thought
the end would ever come.
                                                            
He shakes his head in disbelief and wipes his eyes.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Why did it have to be tonight? I
get rejected from Julliard AND All
My Children ends forever?
                                                            
The phone rings. Primrose wipes his nose on his sleeve and
rummages in the cushions to find the ringing phone. He finds
it and answers it.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Hello?
      (he takes a deep
       breath and tries
       to steady his
       voice)
Mom? Hi, mom.
      (bursts into tears
       all over again)
I just had the most terrible
night. Everything's just gone to
hell with my musical career, and
now...All My Children just ended!
      (sob)
I KNOW. I just can't believe it,
either. This is....so tragic.
What's that? No, I don't want to
talk about it. Yes, I'm sure. No,
I'm not going to talk
about......FINE, MOM. I'LL TELL
YOU.
                                                            
He sits up straighter on the couch and takes a few deep
breaths in an attempt to calm himself. It doesn't work, and
he bursts into tears even harder.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Mom, I got rejected! I can't
believe they didn't want me! Who
wouldn't want me? What kind of
heartless bastards do that? Do
they know who I am?
      (pause)
I AM PRIMROSE.
      (pause)
No, I love you too, Mom. Okay.
Talk to you later.
                                                            

23.

He takes a deep breath.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
I've got to stop thinking about
it. Just because they don't want
me doesn't mean I'm not great. I
am great. I am Primrose. I can do
anything I set my mind to. I CAN
DO ANYTHING GOOD.
                                                            
He stands up and starts pounding on his chest like a
gorilla.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
I. AM. PRIMROSE.
                                                            
The phone rings again and Primrose picks it up and puts it
on speakerphone.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Hello, fellow citizen!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Prim?
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Alas, it is me!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hi.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Salutations!
                                                            
                       DAVE
How are you doing?
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Fabulously!
                                                            
                       DAVE
That's swell. Say, Prim, would you
be interested in playing piano for
our wedding?
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
I CAN DO ANYTHING GOOD.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hm?
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
I AM BEAUTIFUL AGAIN.
                                                            
 

24.

INT. BEACH - DAY
                                                            
We see William standing on a sandy beach, wearing orange
swim trunks. He is applying tanning oil to his shoulders and
staring off into the distance pensively. There is a camera
crew a few feet to his right.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Is this a good angle?
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Yeah, yeah. Just say the line.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
I don't want you to get my bad
side.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
We got your good side. For
christsakes, kid. Say the line.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
I'm not a kid! I'm nearly 31!
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
Yeah, sure, whatever. Just say the
fuckin' line.
                                                            
William turns toward the camera seductively.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Do you ever wish you could look
like me?
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
CUT. That's not the line.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Yes, it is.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
No, it's not. The line is..."Do
you ever wish you could be tan?"
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
But that's so boring.
                                                            
                       CAMERAMAN
No ad-libbing. Go again. Action.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Do you ever wish you could be
tan........like me?
                                                            

25.

                       CAMERAMAN
CUT.
                                                            
William's cell phone rings. The cameramen groan in unison.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Just one minute, guys! I'm
expecting a call from a skin
cancer commercial company.
                                                            
He runs off set to answer it.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Hello?
                                                            
                       DAVE
William? It's Dave.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Well, well, well! If it isn't old
Drinkin' Dave!
                                                            
                       DAVE
We are NOT getting into this
again, are we? For the last time,
that was just orange juice.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Uh, I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I
was your roommate. I would know.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Look, I don't want to get into
this now. I called to invite you
to my wedding.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah. In a few months.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Is it Mary? I bet it's Mary. It's
Mary, isn't it?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes, it's Mary.
                                                            

26.

                       WILLIAM
Why are you CALLING to invite me
to your wedding? Don't most people
send out invitations on fancy
stationary?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah, well, we're not most people.
Plus, we have no clue where the
hell you are at any given time.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Or I'm just so famous, I'm
unreachable.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Or you're just batshit. You're not
famous.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Please, Dave. EVERYONE knows who I
am.
                                                            
                       DAVE
If they do, it's because of your
shitty pimple cream commercial
from 2005.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Dave, that commercial aired in
over 200 countries. I'm
practically an international
superstar.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah, sure.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Say, how IS old Mary doing? She
has good taste in men. REALLY good
taste.
                                                            
                       DAVE
William, STOP. That was just a
phase. Everyone goes through
phases in which they question
their sexuality.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
I know, I know. But you were just
so good.
                                                            

27.

                       DAVE
WILLIAM. STOP.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
I gotta go, sexy. Talk to you
later.
      (hangs up)
                                                            
                       DAVE
WILLIAM.
                                                            
 
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Dave and Mary sitting at a computer. Mary has her
hand on Dave's knee.
                                                            
                       MARY
Are you SURE you want to do this?
                                                            
Dave nods.
                                                            
                       MARY
You don't have to, if it's too
hard.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No. I can do it. Just give me a
minute.
                                                            
Dave takes a deep breath.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Okay, I'm ready.
                                                            
                       MARY
Wait, now I'm not.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What?! This was supposed to be
hard for ME, not you!
                                                            
                       MARY
I just started thinking about it!
This is a difficult thing to do. I
feel bad that I'm making you do
this.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, I should want to do it on my
own. She's MY family, after all.
                                                            

28.

                       MARY
And you're sure you want her
there?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm positive. She's the only
family I have left.
                                                            
                       MARY
...besides Margo and Dillard.
                                                            
                       DAVE
They don't count.
                                                            
Mary and Dave look at each other.
                                                            
                       MARY
So you're ready?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Ready.
                                                            
Dave turns on the computer. A Skype window opens, along with
a video chat with Mrs. Cobble.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
      (loudly)
Hello?
                                                            
                       MARY
Hi, Mrs. Cobble!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Hello? Hello?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Aunt Cathy? It's Dave!
                                                            
Mrs. Cobble puts her mouth closer to the webcam.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Hello?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Aunt Cathy!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
What? Who's there?
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's Dave. Sally's son.
                                                            

29.

                       MRS. COBBLE
Sally? Is that you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, it's DAVE.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Sally, you're back! But you're
stuck in this computer!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Cathy! Sally's been dead for 5
years. It's DAVE. Sally's son.
Sally was my MOM.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Dave?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (to Mary)
Yes! She recognized me!
      (to Mrs. Cobble)
Aunt Cathy, how have you been?
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
You look EXACTLY like your mother.
You even have her mustache.
                                                            
                       DAVE
That's what everyone says!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Who's that with you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's Mary!
                                                            
                       MARY
Hi!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Who?
                                                            
                       DAVE
My fiancee!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
I didn't know you were getting
married, Sally!
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, it's Dave!
                                                            

30.

                       MRS. COBBLE
You're a lesbian, Sally?
                                                            
Mary bursts out laughing.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, it's Dave!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Who?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Sally is dead!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Sally is dead?
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave!
                                                            
Mrs. Cobble bursts out crying.
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, no, it's okay! I'm here!
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Who are YOU?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (to Mary)
This is hopeless.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Where am I? What's going on?
                                                            
                       MARY
      (to Dave)
Why is she allowed to live by
herself?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (to Mary)
All the facilities kicked her out.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Is anyone there?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm here, Cathy.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Who's that?
                                                            

31.

                       DAVE
It's Dave.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Dave? Is that you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Do you want to come to my wedding,
Cathy?
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Who are you marrying?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Mary.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
You're marrying Mary?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
How quaint. I'M SO EXCITED.
      (bursts out crying)
                                                            
 
INT. BASEMENT - DAY
                                                            
We see Dave and Mary sitting in their basement playing Wii
Tennis.
                                                            
                       MARY
I love you, Dave.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Bam! I win! I love you too.
                                                            
                       MARY
No, I mean, like, I REALLY love
you.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Well, me too!
                                                            
                       MARY
No, like, it's SCARY to me. I just
love you so much.
                                                            
Dave turns to look at Mary.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I love you, too. So much.
                                                            

32.

They turn to each other and start kissing.

Mary's phone rings, and Dave sighs.
                                                            
                       MARY
I'm sorry! Hold on.
      (answers phone)
Hello?
                                                            
We see Milo tied up to a chair in a closet.
                                                            
                       MILO
MARY! MARY!
                                                            
                       MARY
Who is this?
                                                            
                       MILO
Help me, Mary! It's Milo!
                                                            
                       MARY
What's wrong? Are you okay? What's
that noise?
                                                            
                       MILO
It's Jacques! He wants to play
games again.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
      (in the background)
Are you ready, Milo?
      (a chainsaw roars)
                                                            
                       MARY
Oh my god!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Don't worry, Milo! I'm coming!
                                                            
                       MILO
Mary!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Who are you talking to, Milo?
                                                            
                       MILO
Save me, Mary!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Is that Mary?
      (chainsaw turns
       off)
Give me the phone.
                                                            

33.

The closet door opens and Milo falls out sideways, still
tied to the chair.
                                                            
                       MILO
Daddy!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
I'm not your daddy, I'm your
Father!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Aloha, Mary.
                                                            
                       MARY
Jacques, what the hell are you
doing to Milo?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
      (laughs)
We're just having fun!
                                                            
                       MILO
Mary! Help! He's tickling me!
                                                            
                       MARY
Jacques, get your hands off him
right now!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
But I love him! And I love you,
too!
                                                            
                       MARY
Are you drunk?!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
No, not in the least! But, say, I
actually had a question for you.
                                                            
                       MARY
What is it?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
What are you wearing to the
wedding?
                                                            
                       MARY
Umm...my dress?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
What color is it?
                                                            

34.

                       MARY
...white?
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Okay. I won't wear white, then. I
don't want to clash.
                                                            
 
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
We see Mary standing in her bedroom wearing her wedding
dress. She looks beautiful, but tears are streaming down her
face and she is silently hysterical. Katherine is standing
beside her.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Mary, you HAVE to calm down. I
finally got your makeup perfect
and now your eyeliner is smearing.
                                                            
                       MARY
It doesn't fit!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
You still look gorgeous!
                                                            
                       MARY
But it won't zip in the back!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Let me see what I can do...
      (goes around to
       Mary's back and
       struggles with
       the zipper)
Have you gained weight?
                                                            
                       MARY
      (bursts into tears)
KATHERINE!!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
It's an honest question. Come on!
                                                            
                       MARY
      (gesticulating
       furiously)
I don't know!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Have you been eating more? Are you
stressed? Are you on your period?
                                                            

35.

Katherine pulls away suddenly, and widens her eyes.
                                                            
                       MARY
No, no, I haven't had my period in
months.
                                                            
                       MARY
What? What's wrong?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Mary. You're pregnant.
                                                            
                       MARY
NO I'M NOT.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
When was the last time you and
Dave had unprotected sex?
                                                            
                       MARY
I can't remember!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Mary! This is important!
                                                            
                       MARY
I'M NOT PREGNANT.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
How do you know?
                                                            
                       MARY
      (bursts into tears)
I DON'T.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
It's okay, you know.
      (shrugs)
Babies are great.
                                                            
                       MARY
I'm too young for this!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Are you going to tell Dave?
                                                            
                       MARY
Why wouldn't I?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Does he like kids?
                                                            

36.

                       MARY
Does it matter?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Well, yeah. You're going to have a
child.
                                                            
                       MARY
WE DON'T KNOW THAT FOR SURE YET.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
What are you going to do about the
dress?
                                                            
 
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
We see Dave and Carl crouched in a bathroom corner, knees
hugged to their chests.
                                                            
                       CARL
Dave, this is getting ridiculous.
Can we please kick him out?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
      (from outside the
       door)
Dave? Carl? Are you in there?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Where is he going to go? And we
can't let him out into the world
on his own. Who KNOWS what would
happen?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Come out of the bathroom and talk
to me!
                                                            
                       CARL
I am so sick of this.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I know. Me too. But we have to
think about things from HIS
perspective. He JUST got to
America, he knows no one here, and
he's not accustomed to anything
yet.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I don't know why you don't like
me!
                                                            

37.

                       CARL
No wonder he doesn't have any
friends.
                                                            
Franz starts to cry outside the door.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Franz?
                                                            
                       CARL
      (to Dave)
What are you doing?!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Franz? We're not trying to be
mean.
                                                            
                       CARL
      (to Dave)
Yes, we are.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (to Carl)
YOU are. I'm not.
                                                            
Carl sighs heavily and bangs his head against the sink.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Franz?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Yes?
                                                            
Dave opens the door with his foot.
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's okay, Franz.
                                                            
Franz rushes into the bathroom and plops himself between
Dave and Carl.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
What are we talking about?
                                                            
Carl glares at Dave.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You guys, I'm freaking out. The
wedding is in less than 3 weeks.
                                                            
                       CARL
Why are you so nervous? Mary is
crazy about you.
                                                            

38.

                       DAVE
No, she isn't.
                                                            
                       CARL
She isn't?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No. She isn't.
                                                            
                       CARL
Then she is marrying you WHY?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Out of pity.
                                                            
                       CARL
Marriage is a pretty big pity
commitment.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I know. I don't know why she would
do that for me. She must really
care.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
...I am lost.
                                                            
                       CARL
Dave?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes?
                                                            
                       CARL
What's the REAL reason you're
freaking out?
                                                            
Dave starts crying.
                                                            
                       DAVE
My suit doesn't fit.
      (sobs)
                                                            
                       CARL
Well.
Why not?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I've gained weight.
      (sobs)
                                                            
Franz very gently puts his hand on Dave's shoulder.
                                                            

39.

                       FRANZ
Dave. How did this happen?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I don't know. I've just been
really stressed and nervous.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Dave. Are you eating your
feelings?
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (bursts out crying
       again)
Yes.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Many people suffer from this,
Dave. You are not alone.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Thanks, Franz.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
And you are always welcome to use
my Shake Weight.
                                                            
 
INT. MARGO'S KITCHEN - DAY
                                                            
We see Margo standing in her kitchen chopping onions,
rehearsing scales.
                                                            
                       MARGO
"Congratulations."
"Congratulations."
"Congratulations, Dave."
"Congratulations, big bro."
"Congratulations, big brah and his
bitch." No, no, that's not it.
                                                            
 
INT. PRIMROSE'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Primrose laying on top of his bed wearing a suit.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
You can do this, Primrose. You
know the music. You know the
piano. You met the singer; she was
kind of weird. But you can do
this. You are Primrose and you can
do anything good.
                                                            
 

40.

INT. WILLIAM'S BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see William standing in front of the mirror wearing a
towel turban and applying foundation to his face.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Anything is possible if you just
believe. ANYTHING is possible.
                                                            
 
INT. MRS. COBBLE'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Mrs. Cobble putting earrings on and packing several
large wads of Kleenex into her small purse. She has already
started crying.
                                                            
 
INT. DILLARD'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Dillard gathering his things together, and putting on
his collar. He holds a Bible in his hands as he looks at
himself in the mirror.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Fuck.
                                                            
 
INT. JACQUES' BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Jacques and Milo standing together wearing matching
suits. Milo is on a leash.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Are you ready, Milo?
                                                            
                       MILO
Yes, Father.
                                                            
 
INT. KEN AND ADA'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
We see Ken and Ada getting dressed. Ada is putting on a
pearl necklace, and struggles with the clasp. Ken comes over
and helps her.
                                                            
                       KEN
Sweetie, will you please try to
take it easy tonight?
                                                            
Ada giggles.
                                                            
 

41.

INT. HOTEL ROOM 1 - DAY
                                                            
We see Carl and Franz sitting on a hotel room bed. Dave is
pacing around the room.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Dave, you look lovely.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I can't do this!
                                                            
                       CARL
It's just your nerves, man.
Everything will be fine.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm going to throw up.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Ew.
                                                            
                       DAVE
What am I going to do?
Everything's ready and perfect.
                                                            
                       CARL
...yeah.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I NEED SOME CHOCOLATE.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
      (gently)
Dave, you cannot eat anything. We
worked really hard to squeeze you
into that suit.
                                                            
                       CARL
I've never seen so many shoehorns
in my life.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Dave, come sit with me.
                                                            
Franz takes Dave's hand and leads him to the couch. Dave is
sweating profusely and is very pale. He licks his lips.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Dave.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yes?
                                                            

42.

                       FRANZ
I am going to tell you a personal
story, Dave.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Okay.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
One time, many moons ago, I almost
got married.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Really?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
He drove a blue pickup truck with
a dancing bear on the windshield.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh my god...
                                                            
                       FRANZ
And he was perfect. So perfect.
His body. Oh my goodness.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Franz...
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Alas, gay marriage was not
legalized in Germany.
                                                            
                       DAVE
So what did you do?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
We didn't get married.
                                                            
There is silence.
                                                            
                       DAVE
So...
                                                            
                       FRANZ
But what I am trying to say is
this. If I am madly, madly in love
with a beautiful German man with
dancing feet, and I am unable to
pursue a future with him, unable
to be legally bound to him for the
rest of my life, and unable to be
happy because of this, then you
really have no reason to complain.
You have a beautiful fiancee who
            (MORE)

43.

                       FRANZ (cont'd)
worships the ground you walk on,
and NO ONE protests when you want
to be legally bound to her. So
stop being a pussy. You love her.
Marry her.
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL ROOM 2 - DAY
                                                            
We see Mary jumping on a bed in a hotel room. Packs of
Twizzlers, bags of M&Ms, and jars of Nutella are littered on
the ground around the bed.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Mary...
                                                            
                       MARY
I'M SO EXCITED.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
You're going to rip your dress!
                                                            
                       MARY
I'M GETTING MARRIED. MARY IS
GETTING MARRIED. AAAAHHHH!!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
What happened to being nervous?
                                                            
Katherine slips into her bridesmaid gown.
                                                            
                       MARY
Why would I be nervous?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Oh, I don't know, maybe because
you have a living human inside
you?
                                                            
                       MARY
No, no, that's not yet, Katherine.
That happens later tonight. Oh my
god, I get to have a wedding
night!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
I didn't mean Dave. I meant the
baby.
                                                            
Mary continues bouncing on the bed.
                                                            

44.

                       MARY
Bounce, baby, bounce!
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
That's just the sugar talking. Get
down from there.
                                                            
Mary stops bouncing and sits down on the bed.
                                                            
                       MARY
I still can't believe you fixed my
dress.
                                                            
Katherine rubs her eyes.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
It wasn't easy.
                                                            
                       MARY
You're the best best friend EVER!
                                                            
Katherine uses a wet paper towel to wipe the chocolate from
around Mary's mouth.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
What did you eat?
                                                            
                       MARY
A lot.
                                                            
Katherine starts to do Mary's makeup.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
If you didn't have a baby before,
you definitely have a food baby
now.
                                                            
                       MARY
What happened?
                                                            
Mary points to a bruise on Katherine's arm.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
I fell.
                                                            
                       MARY
      (absentmindedly)
Oh. Cool.
                                                            
Katherine continues applying makeup.
                                                            
                       MARY
Are we almost done?
                                                            

45.

                       KATHERINE
Don't you want to look nice?
                                                            
                       MARY
I want to jump on the bed again.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
You're going to rip your dress.
                                                            
                       MARY
No, I'm not.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Yes, you are. Sit on the damn bed.
                                                            
                       MARY
Are you okay?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
      (angrily)
Am I okay? Am I okay, Mary? Let me
tell you how I'm feeling right
now. You don't seem to be taking
your own wedding very seriously. I
was up all last night tearing
apart YOUR wedding dress because
YOU were stupid enough to fuck
Dave without a condom. See these
bags under my eyes? No amount of
makeup can conceal these. And now,
here you are, jumping on this
fucking hotel room bed and
stuffing your face like a child.
                                                            
                       MARY
Katherine...
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
This isn't okay, Mary. You're
getting MARRIED. Marriage isn't
all fun and games. It's hard. You
need to start acting like an
adult. I almost got married once
and then I fucked it up because I
wasn't ready.
                                                            
                       MARY
Why didn't I know this?
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
You weren't listening.
                                                            
 

46.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
                                                            
We see Ken and Ada standing in the hotel lobby. Ada is
adjusting her skirt and blazer.
                                                            
                       ADA
Dammit, my pantyhose is in a
twist.
                                                            
                       KEN
      (to a waiter)
And you're sure everything is
perfect?
                                                            
                       ADA
These bra straps are digging into
my shoulder blades! I hate push-up
bras.
                                                            
                       KEN
      (to the waiter)
Wait, what?
                                                            
                       ADA
Do you think Dave will like this
skirt?
                                                            
Dillard enters, carrying his Bible.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Yo.
                                                            
                       KEN
Who are you?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Uhhhh. Dillard.
                                                            
                       ADA
Hello!
                                                            
                       KEN
Wait...are you.......a priest?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
That's me.
                                                            
                       ADA
Oooh! The guests are arriving!
                                                            
Jacques and Milo enter through the revolving door. Milo is
still on a leash.
                                                            

47.

                       JACQUES
We have arrived.
                                                            
                       MILO
We are very pleased to make your
acquaintance.
                                                            
Mrs. Cobble enters next, crying.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Hello. You just look so beautiful,
Sally.
                                                            
Primrose enters.
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
Where's the piano? I need to use
the bathroom. Where's the singer?
                                                            
Margo enters, carrying a baking dish.
                                                            
                       MARGO
I made meatballs!
                                                            
William enters, carrying a chihuahua.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Hello, everyone! Line up for
autographs calmly.
                                                            
Franz comes out of the elevator.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Hello, my friends! Who's ready for
a wedding?
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY
                                                            
We see Ken and Ada standing in the corner, whispering
amongst themselves as the guests mingle in the lobby.
                                                            
                       KEN
What the hell is going on here?
                                                            
                       ADA
Everyone looks very, very pretty.
                                                            
                       KEN
I planned a nice Jewish wedding
and they went and got a priest?
                                                            

48.

                       ADA
Dave is Jewish?
                                                            
                       KEN
I thought we were doing something
nice.
                                                            
                       ADA
Jewish men are so sexy.
                                                            
                       KEN
Young man, please come here.
      (waves Dillard
       over)
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Yes?
                                                            
                       KEN
Who ARE you?
                                                            
                       KEN
I know, but who ARE you?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Oh. I'm Dillard. I'm Dave's
brother.
                                                            
                       KEN
Dave's BROTHER is marrying them?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Believe me, I wouldn't be here if
I didn't have to be.
                                                            
Mary comes running out of the elevator.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dillard!
                                                            
She runs to him and hugs him.
                                                            
                       MARY
I'm so glad you came!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I wouldn't miss it for the world.
                                                            
                       MARY
Okay, so I printed out some vows
that I wrote.
                                                            
Dillard takes the piece of paper and reads them.
                                                            

49.

                       DILLARD
These are disgusting..."I promise
to give you a butt massage every
Wednesday night"?
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave loves butt massages!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT.
                                                            
                       MARY
Oh hi, Mom and Dad! Have you met
Dillard? He's like a brother to
me.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Great.
                                                            
                       KEN
We spoke, yes. And now I need to
speak to you. Why did you hire a
priest for a Jewish wedding?
                                                            
                       MARY
It's not a Jewish wedding.
                                                            
                       KEN
Excuse me?
                                                            
                       MARY
It's not supposed to be a Jewish
wedding.
                                                            
                       KEN
This is a Jewish wedding.
                                                            
                       MARY
We're not Jewish!
                                                            
                       KEN
But Dave is.
                                                            
                       MARY
Wait...so...you planned us a
Jewish wedding.
                                                            
At this moment, a rabbi bursts through the revolving door.
                                                            
                       RABBI
RABBI IS HERE!
                                                            

50.

                       KEN
Could you...like...hold on one
second?
                                                            
The rabbi sits in a chair in the corner, pouting.
                                                            
                       KEN
I thought since Dave was Jewish
you were going to want a Jewish
wedding.
                                                            
                       MARY
No.
                                                            
                       KEN
Oh. I guess we should have
discussed that.
                                                            
                       MARY
Yeah. Well. What are you going to
do?
                                                            
                       KEN
What am I going to do? I'm going
to watch my daughter have a nice
Jewish wedding.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dad!
                                                            
                       KEN
Psshh, I paid for this thing!
                                                            
                       MARY
But Daaad!
                                                            
Mary looks over to Ada for support, but Ada is too busy
pulling her skirt up.
                                                            
                       KEN
This will be fun.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dad...I don't know HOW to be
Jewish.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Oy vey.
                                                            
 
INT. HOTEL ROOM 1 - DAY
                                                            
We see Mary knocking on Dave's hotel room door.
                                                            

51.

                       CARL
Who is it?
                                                            
                       MARY
It's Mary! Let me in!
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's Mary?!?!
                                                            
Dave jumps behind the bed so he is out of view.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I can't see her! Not in her dress!
                                                            
                       MARY
Let me in! I have to tell you
something!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't let her in!
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Sorry, Mary. We can't let you in.
                                                            
                       MARY
What? Why not? Let me in.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Dave doesn't want to see you right
now.
                                                            
                       MARY
      (dejectedly)
What?
                                                            
                       DAVE
No! I want to see her! Just not-
                                                            
Carl opens the door and Mary walks in. Dave jumps up to
protest but then turns around so he can't see Mary.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, I have to tell you
something.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Carl, why did you let her in?!
                                                            
                       CARL
You said you wanted to see her!
                                                            

52.

                       DAVE
No!
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, listen to me. Look at me!
                                                            
                       DAVE
No!
                                                            
Mary starts walking towards Dave.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't come near me!
                                                            
                       MARY
Why not?!
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's bad luck!
                                                            
                       MARY
Don't be ridiculous, Dave! This is
important!
                                                            
                       DAVE
No! Go away!
                                                            
Mary comes closer to Dave. He senses her movement and does a
barrel roll across the bed to avoid her.
                                                            
                       MARY
What the hell is wrong with you?
                                                            
                       DAVE
NOTHING!
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, look at me!
                                                            
Eyes still closed, Dave stands up and begins to walk away,
but he trips over a shoe on the ground and lands in Mary's
cleavage.
                                                            
                       DAVE
MMPH.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, we're having a Jewish
wedding.
                                                            
Dillard bursts in the door wearing a tallis and a taped-on
beard.
                                                            

53.

                       DILLARD
I CAN'T DO THIS.
                                                            
                       DAVE
A Jewish wedding?
                                                            
                       MARY
Yes.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
This isn't going to work. Your
vows are too creepy and this beard
is too itchy.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (eyes filling with
       tears)
You look beautiful, Mary.
                                                            
                       MARY
So do you.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I love you.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I'm gonna...go.
                                                            
 
INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
We see the wedding ceremony in progress. Mary and Dave are
standing, hands clasped, under a beautiful wooden hoopah.
Dillard is stratching his fake beard, and the audience
members are tittering amongst themselves.
                                                            
                       LADY L
Speak up.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I didn't say anything.
                                                            
                       LADY L
Speak up!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. They asked
for a moment and I'm giving them
one!
                                                            
                       DAVE
We're almost done, I promise.
                                                            

54.

                       DILLARD
I CANNOT stand here all day, you
know, watching you two stare into
each other's eyes lovingly.
                                                            
                       JACQUES
I think it's quite beautiful.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
      (crying)
Sally, you look so beautiful.
                                                            
William's chihuahua begins to pee on a chair.
                                                            
                       CARL
Oh, GREAT.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Bad Nibbles!
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, I love you so much.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Oh, give me a break.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I love you, too.
                                                            
                       MILO
Father, the leash is giving me a
rash.
                                                            
                       MRS. COBBLE
Oh, Sally...
                                                            
                       LADY L
Speak up! I can't hear a thing.
                                                            
                       ADA
Dave! Oh, Dave!
      (she waves at him
       and winks)
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
I CAN DO ANYTHING GOOD.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, I promise to always keep you
safe...
                                                            
                       LADY L
Speak up!
                                                            

55.

                       MARY
...to always listen when you
speak...
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Milo, stop fidgeting.
                                                            
                       MARY
...to be faithful to you for as
long as we both shall live...
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
I CAN DO ANYTHING GOOD.
                                                            
                       MARY
...and to love you
unconditionally. Forever.
                                                            
                       DAVE
And Mary, I promise to be your
favorite...
                                                            
                       CARL
Really?
                                                            
                       DAVE
...to treat you well...
                                                            
                       ADA
Thank you, Dave.
                                                            
                       WILLIAM
Nibbles, stop licking yourself!
                                                            
                       DAVE
...to keep my side of the room
clean...
                                                            
                       MILO
Father...
                                                            
                       DAVE
...and to love you
unconditionally. Forever.
                                                            
                       MILO
I just wet my pants.
      (begins to cry)
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I now pronounce you man and wife.
And stuff.
                                                            

56.

Chaos ensues.
                                                            
Jacques and Milo begin arguing. Nibbles rips Mrs. Cobble's
dress off. Katherine and Carl start making out.
                                                            
Norman stands up.
                                                            
                       NORMAN
Mary!
                                                            
Mary looks up.
                                                            
                       NORMAN
Mary, I've come back for you!
Let's escape this dull scene and
elope!
                                                            
                       MARY
NORMAN?
                                                            
Ada rips her dress off to reveal a lacy black neglige.
                                                            
                       ADA
DAVE!
                                                            
                       DAVE
ADA?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Mary, I can't do this anymore. I
can't keep it inside. I love you.
                                                            
                       MARGO
SURPRISE!!!
                                                            
 
INT. CHURCH - DAY
                                                            
Moar chaos continues to ensue.
                                                            
                       NORMAN
Mary, I mean it! Don't you
remember the good old days in high
school when we were in love?
                                                            
                       MARY
I...I don't.......
                                                            
                       LADY L
Speak up!
                                                            
Dillard takes a step towards Mary.
                                                            

57.

                       DILLARD
Mary, I'm sorry. But I just love
you SO much. I always have.
                                                            
Mary opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out.
                                                            
Ada begins to walk down the aisle towards Dave in her
neglige.
                                                            
                       ADA
Dave! Come here, Dave! Let me kiss
you!
                                                            
Suddenly, Franz jumps up from his chair and marches over to
the hoopah.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
EVERYONE. SHUT UP.
                                                            
No one listens to Franz. Chaos is still ensuing.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Primrose! Play something on the
piano!
                                                            
                       PRIMROSE
What should I play?!
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I don't care! Anything! Something
to make them shut up!
                                                            
Primrose sprints over to the piano, sits down, and starts
playing ABBA's "Dancing Queen."
                                                            
The crowd falls silent.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
      (singing to
       himself)
You can dance...you can
jive...having the time of your
life..I love this song.
      (clears his throat)
EVERYONE. SHUT UP.
                                                            
The crowd looks at him.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Is this a wedding?
                                                            
They are silent.
                                                            

58.

                       FRANZ
I came to this wedding to watch a
good friend of mine, a man who
opened his house to me in my time
of need, marry a beautiful woman
whom he loves very much. And what
is happening instead? The guests
are using this sacred ceremony to
focus on their own problems and to
call attention to themselves.
That's what you all are: attention
whores.
                                                            
Katherine untangles herself from Carl and steps down from
her bridesmaid post near the hoopah.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
Seriously, guys.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
You're one to talk! You and Carl
were just having a moment there.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
And I apologize! It is not our
place to have any moments at this
wedding. This wedding is about
Dave and Mary. Mary is my best
friend in the entire world.
                                                            
                       CARL
And Dave is MY best friend.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
So, all of you. Sit back down. Put
your clothes on. Control the
chihuahua. Stop crying. Stop
whoring.
                                                            
                       MARGO
My meatballs are getting cold...
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Who cares?
                                                            
                       MARGO
Have you ever had my meatballs?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Yeah, you can't really say
anything unless you've ever had
her meatballs. They kick ass.
                                                            

59.

                       CARL
All we're trying to say is...this
wedding is not about you. If you
brought your own problems to this
ceremony, either put them away
until the end or dispose of them
quietly once and for all.
                                                            
                       KATHERINE
I promise we will all have a
better time at this wedding if we
just focus on something other than
ourselves for once.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (whispering to
       Mary)
Wow, our friends are really great.
                                                            
                       MARY
      (whispering to
       Dave)
I know. I love them so much.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (to Dillard)
Can I break the thing now?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
What thing?
                                                            
                       DAVE
You know. The thing. I'm supposed
to break the thing now.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I wasn't aware there was a thing
that had to be broken.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Yeah, I think there is. So you
don't have it?
                                                            
                       DILLARD
No. You don't even know what the
thing is? You're a terrible Jew.
                                                            
                       DAVE
You're a worse Jew!
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I'm not even a Jew anymore!
                                                            

60.

                       DAVE
Shhh. Mom and Dad will hear.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Mom and Dad are dead, Dave. They
won't hear anything.
                                                            
Dave thrusts his hand over Dillard's mouth.
                                                            
                       DAVE
DON'T SAY THAT.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
Mmmph!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't ruin this for me, you
un-Jew. Give me something to
break.
                                                            
                       DILLARD
I don't have anything!
                                                            
Mary gently picks up one of the flower vases around the
hoopah.
                                                            
                       MARY
Break this!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Those are so pretty!
                                                            
                       MARY
Just do it, Dave!
                                                            
Dillard puts the vase on the ground. Water spills out onto
the ground.

Dave raises his foot to stomp on the vase, but instead slips
on the water and falls onto his back. The vase goes rolling
toward Mary, who also trips and falls.
                                                            
                       DAVE
OUCH!
                                                            
The wedding guests start laughing amongst themselves.
                                                            
                       MARY
Stop laughing! Ow!
                                                            
Dillard starts giggling to himself softly. Franz joins in,
then Katherine and Carl, and soon the entire wedding party
is laughing.
                                                            

61.

Dave and Mary look at each other, and slowly start laughing
as well.
                                                            
 
INT. BALLROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
We see the wedding reception in progress in the hotel
ballroom. Mary and Dave are hoisted up on chairs, and most
of the guests are highly tipsy.
                                                            
Mary looks bored on her chair, while Dave looks like he's
about to throw up.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave...this is kind of boring.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'm going to fall. I'm going to
fall. Oh my god, I'm going to
fall.
                                                            
Mary crosses her arms.
                                                            
                       MARY
This is, like, not a big deal.
                                                            
Dave starts breathing heavily.
                                                            
                       MARY
You see all those videos on
YouTube of people falling off
during the chair dance at Jewish
weddings. But I feel perfectly
safe and fine up here.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't look down....don't look
down.......
                                                            
                       MARGO
How's the air up there, big brah?!
      (burps)
                                                            
                       DAVE
DON'T TALK TO ME.
                                                            
                       KEN
Mary, take the handkerchief! You
and Dave have to hold it!
                                                            
                       MARY
Between us? He'll pull me down!
                                                            

62.

                       DAVE
No, give it here. It'll give me
something to hold onto.
                                                            
                       MILO
Daddy, Dave's falling!
                                                            
                       JACQUES
Milo, I AM NOT YOUR DADDY. I AM
YOUR FATHER.
                                                            
Dave, unconscious, falls out of his chair. Franz and Carl
reach out to catch him, but fall backward.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave!
                                                            
Mary gracefully leaps down from her chair to see to Dave.
                                                            
                       MARY
Someone call an ambulance!
                                                            
                       DAVE
No, no, I'm okay. Just give me a
minute.
                                                            
                       CARL
Are you okay?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
                                                            
Margo approaches Dave carrying a huge bucket of ice water.
                                                            
                       MARY
No, Margo, don't-
                                                            
                       MARGO
GERONIMO!!!
                                                            
She dumps the bucket of ice water onto Dave, who lets out a
piercing scream.
                                                            
                       DAVE
COLD CLOTHES COLD CLOTHES COLD
CLOTHES!!!
                                                            
Dave jumps up suddenly, rips off all his clothes, and runs
outside into the summer air.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave! Come back!
                                                            

63.

                       ADA
What a sexy ass!
                                                            
 
EXT. GARDEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Mary runs out after Dave. The reception party continues
without the happy couple.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave? Dave??
                                                            
                       DAVE
Over here.
                                                            
                       MARY
Over where? I can't see you. It's
dark.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Behind the bush.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, there are like a million
bushes out here. It's a garden.
                                                            
                       DAVE
The bush with the flowers.
                                                            
                       MARY
Seriously?

Just come out.
                                                            
Dave emerges from behind a bush. He is holding a large leaf
over his crotch.
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave. You look silly.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I really hate Margo sometimes.
                                                            
                       MARY
She does tend to make assumptions,
doesn't she?
                                                            
                       DAVE
She's always been that way. Even
when we were little.
                                                            

64.

Mary leads Dave over to a stone bench facing away from a
window. We can see the reception party going on in the
ballroom behind them.
                                                            
                       MARY
How so?
                                                            
                       DAVE
She's just...really....headstrong.
                                                            
                       MARY
I guess that makes sense.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Like, when we were little, she
used to pick on me and my friends.
She would hit us and call us bad
names.
                                                            
                       MARY
Isn't she the younger sister? By
like 8 years?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Like I said, she's headstrong.

And say, who's that Norman guy?
                                                            
                       MARY
      (sighs)
Ugh. I can't believe he showed up.
I don't know how he even found out
about it. It's ridiculous. He's
ridiculous. I'm sorry.
                                                            
                       DAVE
But WHO is he?
                                                            
                       MARY
He was a guy I dated in high
school.
                                                            
                       DAVE
But we went to the same high
school.
                                                            
                       MARY
He was a transfer student, and
then he got expelled. We kept
seeing each other after that.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Why didn't I know about this?
                                                            

65.

                       MARY
I dunno. He was kind of weird. He
would be there one minute, and
then gone the next. And then he
would just show up again, a few
days later.
                                                            
                       DAVE
That's really sketchy.
                                                            
                       MARY
I know.

And I just have to say...Franz is
a lifesaver.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh, I know. I always knew there
was good in him. We just had to
search really hard to find it.
                                                            
                       MARY
He seems like a really, really
nice guy.
                                                            
                       DAVE
He is.

And say, I think Katherine and
Carl are hitting it off.
                                                            
                       MARY
Why do you say that?
                                                            
Dave points to his right, where Katherine and Carl are
laying in the grass making out.
                                                            
                       MARY
Well, I guess that's a good thing.
They're both our best friends.
They'll be there to, you know,
check on us. And...ooh! What if
they get married too?!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Let's not get too ahead of
ourselves.
                                                            
                       MARY
Okay, and I'd just really like to
apologize for my mother.
                                                            
Dave chuckles.
                                                            

66.

                       MARY
No, it's seriously a problem. I've
never seen her act like this
around any of my other boyfriends.
And it's kind of creepy.
                                                            
                       DAVE
It's okay. Really. I'm more
concerned that your dad doesn't
like me enough.
                                                            
                       MARY
Aw, I wouldn't worry about that.
He'll like you as long as I like
you.
                                                            
                       DAVE
And who exactly are Jacques and
Milo?
                                                            
                       MARY
I have no fucking clue.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh, hey, I think we forgot
something.
                                                            
                       MARY
What?
                                                            
Dave holds up a ring. Mary's eyes fill with tears.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Don't get too excited. I got it
from a 25 cent machine, so it'll
probably turn your finger green.
                                                            
                       MARY
It doesn't matter! I love you.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Say, what are we going to do for
our honeymoon?
                                                            
                       MARY
The wedding's not even over yet!
                                                            
                       DAVE
I know! It just never hurts to
start thinking about it.
                                                            

67.

                       MARY
Umm....well......we could go to a
beach somewhere. Or...my parents
have a cabin in the mountains! Or
we could go on a roadtrip! Or to
the Bahamas!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Oh, wow. I don't know. There are
so many options.
                                                            
Franz appears next to Mary.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Hello, beautiful married people!
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hey Franz, what's up?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Oh, not much.
                                                            
Franz sits down on Mary's other side so the three of them
are crammed onto the tiny bench.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
Just hanging out. Mary, your
mother kept trying to get me to
have a drink with her, but she
didn't seem to understand when I
told her I don't drink.
                                                            
                       MARY
Yeah, she doesn't really have much
of a tolerance for...not drinking.
                                                            
                       DAVE
How's the party going?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I think it's almost over. Most
everyone is either passed out or
throwing up in the bathroom.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Sounds about right...
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I met a cute waiter, though! He's
coming back over to my place
tonight.
                                                            

68.

                       DAVE
Franz! You have to tell me these
things! Carl and I live there too!
                                                            
                       MARY
Dave, you can sleep at my place
tonight. It's our wedding night,
after all.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (raises eyebrows)
Ooooh. I forgot about that. Meow.

But what about Carl?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I have a feeling he will not be
sleeping at home, either.
                                                            
Franz gestures to Carl and Katherine, who are still making
out on the grass.
                                                            
                       MARY
So, Franz, we were just discussing
our honeymoon.
                                                            
David starts gesticulating furiously.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (whispering)
No! Stop!
                                                            
                       MARY
We were thinking about going
someplace exotic.
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (whispering)
Stop! Don't tell him!
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I love traveling...
                                                            
                       DAVE
      (whispering)
Mary! Now look what you've done!
                                                            
                       MARY
      (whispering)
What?!
                                                            

69.

                       FRANZ
When were you thinking about going
on this trip?
                                                            
                       MARY
Oh, I don't know...maybe in a few
weeks?
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I can get packed by then.
                                                            
                       MARY
Wait...what?
                                                            
                       DAVE
I warned you.
                                                            
                       FRANZ
I'll see you at the airport, Mary!
                                                            
Franz gets up and leaves.
                                                            
Pause.
                                                            
                       MARY
What just happened?
                                                            
                       DAVE
You, my dear, just invited him on
our honeymoon.
                                                            


THE END


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