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You Can Take It With You
by Rick McCormick (rickmick_99@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

A wealthy man decides to be buried with all his money rather than leave it to his spoiled kids.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA - DAY
                                                            
Helicopter aerial view as The Pacific Ocean looks like a
million diamonds bobbing rhythmically on the glassy surface.
                                                            
Drop down to the ocean where jetties and piers race by. A
long strip of beach splits the ocean from beachfront
mansions.
                                                            
Float up and over a harbor packed with lavish yachts. Newly
polished luxury cars snake along Pacific Coast Highway like
ants on the hunt.
                                                            
Climb up and over tall office buildings with bubbling water
fountains before diving straight down into a golf course
built into a canyon. Pull out of the dive just in time to
skim along a pine tree-lined fairway.
                                                            
Crushed marble sand traps surround beautifully manicured
greens like giant rosary beads. Huge mansions cap the canyon
cliffs.
                                                            
Skim up and over tree tops into another fairway where a
golfer, BILL STOCKER (74), despondent, worn catcher mitt
face, and CADDY (30), athletic, prepare for a shot.
                                                            
 
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
                                                            
Sprinklers RAT TAT TAT behind Bill and Caddy who checks his
yardage booklet.
                                                            
                       CADDY
You're one-seventy-eight out.
                                                            
A sullen Bill concentrates on a golf ball with red, swollen
eyes. He swings. A chunk of earth lands farther than the
golf ball. He's unfazed. A trail of large divots is behind
him.
                                                            
                       CADDY
One-seventy-six.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
A ball lands safely in front of a pond by a green. Bill
trudges along with his chin in his chest.
                                                            
GOLFERS enjoy cocktails on the clubhouse porch overlooking
the green. A WAITER delivers a check to a group. FAT MAN

2.

(60), arrogant, picks up the check and pulls out an
eye-popping, thick wad of large bills.
                                                            
                       FAT MAN
I'm a little short this week.
                                                            
The group LAUGHS.
                                                            
Bill concentrates on the ball. He swings. The ball PLOPS
into the pond. Caddy routinely pulls a new ball out of a
box and drops it on the ground.
                                                            
Bill lines up his shot and swings. The ball sails over the
pond and green, and SMASHES a glass door behind Fat Man. Fat
Man's eyes bulge.
                                                            
                       FAT MAN
Damn it!
                                                            
ELDERLY LADY (70), considerate, covers Fat Man's mouth.
                                                            
                       ELDERLY LADY
Don't. That's Bill Stocker. He
just lost his wife.
                                                            
Fat Man tries to relax. Bill heads toward the group.
                                                            
                       ELDERLY LADY
Hi, Bill. How ya doing?
                                                            
                       BILL
Sorry about that.
                                                            
                       ELDERLY LADY
That's alright.
                                                            
                       FAT MAN
No worries.
                                                            
Bill steps through the broken glass door now tended to by
CLUBHOUSE EMPLOYEE (22).
                                                            
                       CLUBHOUSE EMPLOYEE
Course is in great shape, isn't it
Mr. Stocker?
                                                            
                       BILL
Used to be. Have them bill me.
                                                            
 

3.

EXT. GOLF COURSE PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Bill trudges past a sea of luxury cars with personal license
plates. He CHIRPS his keyless remote and hops into a late
model Maserati with license plate BUILDER.
                                                            
 
INT. DOCTOR WILSON'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
DOCTOR WILSON, (50), attentive, takes an x-ray of Bill.
                                                            
 
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Bill has an out-in-space look as he plods past cubicles
toward his corner office.
                                                            
KATHY WEBSTER, (65), loyal, dependable, watchful, taps away
on her keyboard just outside Bill's office.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Morning, Bill.
                                                            
A concerned look comes over Kathy as she watches Bill
disappear into his office.
                                                            
BILL'S OFFICE
                                                            
Bill stares at framed family photos on the credenza. The
photos are of formal occasions and everyone looks unhappy.
                                                            
One picture is face down. He closes his eyelids tightly and
slowly turns the photo over. It's a recent picture of Bill
and his wife. His eyes well up as he hugs the photo.
                                                            
Bill sets the photo upright using the easel backing. He
admires the photo for a moment, and then gingerly places the
photo face down.
                                                            
KNOCKING. Kathy opens the door slightly and pokes her head
in. She holds a cup of coffee on a saucer.
                                                            
                       KATHY
What did you shoot?
                                                            
Bill turns away, but she's already seen his red eyes.
                                                            
                       BILL
That better not be generic coffee.
                                                            
Kathy sets the coffee on a cabinet and moves toward him.
                                                            

4.

                       BILL
Seventy-eight.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Great!
                                                            
                       BILL
I only played nine holes.
                                                            
They stare out the window.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm thinking of selling the
company.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Good for you!
                                                            
She looks down at the photos.
                                                            
                       KATHY
This will finally give you a
chance to spend some quality time
with--
                                                            
                       BILL
Kathy, you know I--.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Bill Stocker! You always complain
how you don't have enough time for
your family!
                                                            
                       BILL
I know, but--
                                                            
                       KATHY
You were gonna retire at fifty and
spend time with them. Then it was
fifty-five, sixty, sixty-five--
                                                            
                       BILL
I had a business to run.
                                                            
                       KATHY
From the golf course? Your father
left the company making gobs of
money.
                                                            
                       BILL
There's nothing wrong with wanting
more.
                                                            

5.

                       KATHY
All the money in the world means
nothing if you don't know your
kids and grandkids!
                                                            
She eases up on him.
                                                            
                       KATHY
No one's gonna remember the money
you made. They'll remember the
kids you made.
                                                            
                       BILL
How do I roll back the last forty
years?
                                                            
                       KATHY
Visit them. Get to know them. You
may just like them.
                                                            
 
INT. BARBARA'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
BARBARA STOCKER (43), lazy, ungrateful, drives her Jaguar
with Bill in the shotgun seat. Rock and Roll BLARES out the
speakers.
                                                            
Watching BLARING TV on overhead monitors are MITCH STOCKER
(10), Michelin Tire Man, glutinous, MILDRED STOCKER (7),
fussy, and DAMIAN STOCKER (3), quiet, observant, make a mess
with their ice cream and chocolate.
                                                            
Bill covers his ears. Mitch steals candy from Mildred and
gobbles it up.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Mom! Mitch stole my candy!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Mitch! Did you steal her candy?
                                                            
                       MITCH
Yeah!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Well, don't!
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, don't?
                                                            
Mildred points out the window.
                                                            

6.

                       MILDRED
Mom, the star!
                                                            
Bill sees the star logo of a Carl's Jr. restaurant. He turns
down the stereo.
                                                            
                       BILL
You can eat when we get home.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Okay.
                                                            
She slams on the brakes to negotiate the turn into the
Carl's Jr. parking lot. They bounce around as the car goes
up the driveway. Bill grabs the ceiling strap handle.
                                                            
                       BILL
Okay? Just like that?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
They gotta eat somewhere.
                                                            
                       BILL
It's called home.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
I haven't cooked in ages.
                                                            
                       BILL
You could hire a cook with all the
money I send you.
                                                            
                       MITCH
Are you gonna die, and then we get
a lot of money?
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Word is you're dripping in money.
                                                            
                       MITCH
And when you're gone, we'll be
dripping.
                                                            
Bill is stunned.
                                                            
 
INT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill watches TV alone on the couch. A maid chases Damian
who spray paints a hallway orange. The coffee table
overflows with discarded, half-eaten pizza and snacks.
                                                            
Mitch and Mildred enter with backpacks.
                                                            

7.

                       BILL
How was school?
                                                            
The kids duck into a room.
                                                            
COMPUTER ROOM
                                                            
Bill enters to find Mitch and Mildred expertly moving
joysticks and staring at bouncing action figures on a
colorful monitor.
                                                            
                       BILL
It's a nice day. Why don't you
play outside?
                                                            
They look at him like he's nuts.
                                                            
                       BILL
Then come into the family room and
play a board game with Grandpa.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Can't you see we're busy?
                                                            
Bill is surprised.
                                                            
FAMILY ROOM
                                                            
Bill sits down on the couch and feels something under him.
He reaches under the cushion and pulls out an open bag of
potato chips and half-eaten sandwich. He tosses them onto
the coffee table.
                                                            
Mitch and Mildred appear from the kitchen wearing iPods and
licking ice cream cones.
                                                            
                       BILL
Did you ask your mom if you could
have that?
                                                            
                       MITCH
No.
                                                            
                       BILL
Is sleeping the only time you
don't eat?
                                                            
                       MITCH
No. Sometimes, I set my alarm so I
can grab a snack.
                                                            
Damian sits with Bill. Mitch and Mildred keep their
distance on another sofa.
                                                            

8.

                       BILL
Don't you ever sit at the table
and eat meals together?
                                                            
                       MITCH
Why?
                                                            
 
INT. GORDON'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
GORDON STOCKER (40), juvenile, foolish, answers the front
door with his arm around a young, statuesque blond.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Got a couple hundred bucks on you?
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't know.
                                                            
Bill enters and pulls a couple bills from his wallet. Gordon
snatches the bills from his surprised father and tucks them
into the girl's waistband as though she's a stripper.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Same time tomorrow.
                                                            
The girl exits. Bill is surprised.
                                                            
                       BILL
Is she a girlfriend or--
                                                            
                       GORDON
Churn 'em and burn 'em.
                                                            
                       BILL
You ever gonna settle down, or
Clooney your way through life?
                                                            
                       GORDON
Clooney.
                                                            
 
EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
An Hispanic man scrubs a Mercedes SUV on the driveway while
water rushes out the hose, down the driveway, and into the
gutter.
                                                            
Bill rings the doorbell. He holds two, Christmas
gift-wrapped boxes in front of one of the double doors. A
potted Christmas tree blocks the other door.
                                                            

9.

Bill's older daughter VICKY STOCKER (45), immature, spoiled,
opens the door blocked by the Christmas tree. Bill is
surprised.
                                                            
                       BILL
Merry--
                                                            
                       VICKY
Get in here.
                                                            
Bill squeezes by the planter.
                                                            
 
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Vicky takes the gifts from Bill. The house overflows with
every imaginable TV advertised gizmo.
                                                            
                       VICKY
These are from Grandpa. Do you
want to open them?
                                                            
Her melancholy kids, DRAKE STOCKER (18), nasty, demonic, and
PILAR STOCKER (15), snarky, watch TV.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
I don't care.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Whatever.
                                                            
Vicky tosses the presents aside. Bill is surprised. He
picks up the gifts and hands them to Drake and Pilar.
                                                            
                       BILL
I hope you like them.
                                                            
Drake and Pilar tear the wrapping paper off and rip open the
boxes.
                                                            
                       BILL
I didn't know what to get you,
seeing you have everything that's
ever been made.
                                                            
They pull jackets from the boxes. The kids look at their
mother.
                                                            
                       BILL
Is something wrong?
                                                            

10.

                       PILAR
Actually, yeah. I can't be seen in
last year's style.
                                                            
                       BILL
They'll keep you warm. I spent a
lot on those.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
What's money to you?
                                                            
                       PILAR
How much are we going to inherit
when you kick it?
                                                            
                       VICKY
Come on now. Let's not talk about
Grandpa's death. When he dies, he
dies.
                                                            
Vicky and Drake head off to the kitchen.
                                                            
                       TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
      (on TV)
Don't delay! Only nineteen
ninety-nine!
                                                            
Pilar grabs the telephone and pushes buttons.
                                                            
                       BILL
You don't need it, Pilar.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Yeah, I do.
                                                            
                       TV COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER
      (on TV)
Order your Spaghetti Jetty now and
we'll double your order! Here's
how to order!
                                                            
Pilar picks up a credit card bill next to the phone.
                                                            
                       PILAR
I'd like to order the Spaghetti
Jetty.
                                                            
Bill walks over and hangs up the phone. Pilar looks at him
in shock.
                                                            
 

11.

INT. BILL'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Bill's cell phone RINGS. He pushes the speakerphone button.
                                                            
                       BILL
This is Bill.
                                                            
INTERCUT - BILL'S CAR/DOCTOR WILSON'S OFFICE
                                                            
 
INT. DOCTOR WILSON'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Doctor Wilson studies an X-ray.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
Bill, Doctor Wilson. Are you
sitting down?
                                                            
                       BILL
Yeah.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
I'm afraid it's not what we hoped
for.
                                                            
Bill drops his head.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON (V.O.)
I've never seen anything like
this.
                                                            
The Maserati drifts into an occupied lane forcing the other
driver to swerve and setting off a chain reaction of cars
spinning and SCREECHING like a major NASCAR pileup. Bill is
oblivious.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON (V.O.)
The cancer has spread like a
wildfire.
                                                            
Bill closes his eyes. The Maserati bounces off the median
and back into lanes. Drivers make evasive maneuvers to avoid
a sure collision.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON (V.O.)
You've got maybe three months.
                                                            
 
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Bill has an out-in-space look as he trudges past cubicles.
Kathy watches him as she TAPS away at a keyboard.
                                                            

12.

BILL'S OFFICE
                                                            
Bill looks out the window into the distance and then stares
down at the several framed family photos on the credenza.
                                                            
KNOCKING at the door. Kathy pops her head in.
                                                            
                       KATHY
How's it going with the kids?
                                                            
                       BILL
They're all spoiled.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Now how do you suppose they got
that way?
                                                            
Kathy watches him fidget with a family photo.
                                                            
                       BILL
Doctor Wilson called. Looks like
I'll be joining Delores soon.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Oh, Bill. I'm so sorry.
                                                            
She strokes his shoulder.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Do the kids know?
                                                            
                       BILL
No, but when they do they'll be
doing cartwheels.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Physically impossible. My kids
are coming over for dinner
tomorrow. Why don't you join us?
                                                            
 
INT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Vicky, Barbara, and Gordon strategize over a large, betting
sheet. Indicated in black marker are betting odds,
including an under/over line for the date of Bill's death.
                                                            
                       VICKY
He's supposed to be gone in three
months.
                                                            
They flip through a calendar.
                                                            

13.

                       GORDON
That would put his last day around
the end of February.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Let's make it the twenty-eighth.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Happy deathday!
                                                            
Barbara slaps down some bills.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Five hundred on the under!
                                                            
                       GORDON
You just want him gone quickly.
                                                            
Gordon writes the amount next to Barbara's name on the
sheet. Vicky pulls bills from her clutch purse.
                                                            
                       VICKY
I don't know. Dad's a fighter.
Seven hundred on the over.
                                                            
                       GORDON
You're crazy. What are the odds
he dies on the twenty-eighth?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What do you think? Ten to one?
                                                            
                       VICKY
Sounds good to me.
                                                            
Gordon slaps down some bills.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Give me a hundred action on the
twenty-eighth, and two hundred on
the under.
                                                            
 
INT. KATHY'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
There are about a dozen people around the large, dining room
table which Kathy heads.
                                                            
DARLEEN JONES (35), composed, sits next to her husband AL
JONES (38), practical. Next to him are their well-behaved
children TIMMY (10), and KENDRA (7), in formal attire.
                                                            

14.

Bill sits in the middle admiring the piping hot dishes of
mashed potatoes, chicken, corn on-the-cob, and pot roast.
                                                            
                       TIMMY
May I please have the potatoes?
                                                            
Bill is surprised.
                                                            
                       BILL
Sure, Timmy.
                                                            
Bill hands the bowl of mashed potatoes across the table.
                                                            
                       KENDRA
May I please have the spinach?
                                                            
                       BILL
Spinach? Sure.
                                                            
Bill passes her the spinach.
                                                            
                       BILL
My grandkids never eat vegetables.
                                                            
Bill passes more plates of food.
                                                            
                       KATHY
That's why you don't sit in the
middle of the table of a large
family. You never get to eat.
                                                            
They LAUGH.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Billy and Kendra raise their hands.
                                                            
                       TIMMY
May I be excused?
                                                            
Darleen looks at his empty plate.
                                                            
                       DARLEEN
Sure.
                                                            
                       KENDRA
May I be excused?
                                                            
                       DARLEEN
Finish your plate.
                                                            

15.

                       KATHY
Where are they taking you
tomorrow?
                                                            
                       BILL
Fleming's.
                                                            
He sees that the others don't understand.
                                                            
                       BILL
My kids are taking me to dinner
for my seventy-fifth birthday.
                                                            
                       AL
Happy birthday.
                                                            
                       KATHY
But you'll end up paying for it
like you always do.
                                                            
                       BILL
No, I won't.
                                                            
                       KATHY
C'mon, Bill. Who pays for their
houses, their cars, their
furniture?
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm just helping them a little.
                                                            
                       KATHY
A little? They're spoiled rotten.
I could see them changing over the
years...starving for your
attention.
                                                            
                       BILL
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       KATHY
How many times did Gordon stop by
the office with his baseball
glove, but you were too busy.
                                                            
                       BILL
I could do like Warren Buffet;
leave them each a million dollars.
                                                            
                       KATHY
That'll teach 'em.
      (changing her
       voice)
How'm I going to live on a million
            (MORE)

16.

                       KATHY (cont'd)
dollars?
                                                            
                       BILL
Money burns a hole in their
pockets.
                                                            
                       KATHY
In your pockets. Bill's afraid
they won't survive without him.
                                                            
                       DARLEEN
They won't, if you keep
interfering.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (To Kathy)
Go to dinner tomorrow night, so
you can observe them.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill parks his car. Kathy watches him toss his wallet into
the glove box.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You're going to need that.
                                                            
                       BILL
No, I won't.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Fifty bucks?
                                                            
                       BILL
You're on.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill sits at a long, finely decorated table in its own
separate room. He's surrounded by his children and
grandchildren. A waiter tops off the water glasses.
                                                            
Bill studies his kids and grandkids as he sips wine. The
grandkids carelessly drop food on the floor and spill drinks
on the tablecloth.
                                                            
Gordon sits at the far end with a gorgeous woman on each
side of him. The three kiss and caress like they need a
hotel room. They're oblivious to a waitress who gives them
funny looks.
                                                            

17.

                       GORDON
More wine, and don't take so long.
                                                            
The waitress leaves.
                                                            
                       GORDON
So Dad, I hear you'll be checking
out soon.
                                                            
Kathy is stunned.
                                                            
                       VICKY
You have our deepest, deepest
sympathy.
                                                            
Bill sees some giggle behind their hands.
                                                            
                       BILL
I've had a good life.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Deepest sympathy, deepest
sympathy.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
The kids and I have been broken
up. If there's anything we can
do....
                                                            
                       VICKY
Deepest.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
It's too bad.
                                                            
Damian and Mildred get up and play tag around the table.
Waiters dodge the out of control kids as they try to refill
water glasses.
                                                            
Bill watches the waitress and waiter take away plates still
loaded with steak and lobster.
                                                            
                       WAITRESS
Are you through with this?
                                                            
                       VICKY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       WAITER
Can I take your plate?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Yeah.
                                                            

18.

                       WAITRESS
How was everything?
                                                            
                       DRAKE
It could've been a lot better.
                                                            
The waitress is taken aback.
                                                            
                       WAITER
Does anyone need a box?
                                                            
                       VICKY
No.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
No.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
How about a pine one for Grandpa?
                                                            
More GIGGLES. Kathy sees Pilar about to give her loaded
plate to the waitress.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Pilar, there are starving kids in
Cambodia that would do anything to
have that food.
                                                            
                       PILAR
So?
                                                            
Kathy leans over to Bill.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You gotta clean up your plate.
                                                            
Bill eats the remaining food on his plate. Pilar observes
Kathy break a dinner roll in half and use it to wipe her
plate clean.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, they've got dishwashers.
                                                            
Pilar watches Bill break a roll in half. Like Kathy, he
uses it to wipe his plate clean.
                                                            
Cake and coffee are served. Kathy studies the others who
eagerly dig into their cake. She leans over to Bill.
                                                            
                       KATHY
They wouldn't eat their food, but
they get dessert?
                                                            

19.

Waitresses refill the water glasses, except for Kathy's,
because she signals with her hand palm down over her glass.
                                                            
                       KATHY
No, thank you.
                                                            
Kathy watches a waitress enter with the check. She nudges
Bill with her elbow. They watch the waitress set the check
in front of Gordon.
                                                            
Gordon hands the check to his date. The woman passes it to
the person next to her. Bill and Kathy watch the check work
its way around to Bill. Vicky places the check in front of
Bill and steals his dessert.
                                                            
Bill watches her eat his cake.
                                                            
                       BILL
Are you kidding me?
                                                            
Chords bulge from his neck and veins from his forehead.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't you know etiquette!
                                                            
He has their attention. A hint of a smile appears on Kathy.
                                                            
                       BILL
You invited me to dinner, not the
other way around!
                                                            
Diners peer into the room.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm not paying for this!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
How will we pay for--
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't care! Put it on your
credit cards!
                                                            
They pull out their credit cards. Kathy is surprised.
                                                            
                       VICKY
But they're in your name.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't put it on your credit cards!
Give me all your cards right now.
                                                            

20.

They hand them down to Bill who stuffs them into every
pocket.
                                                            
                       BILL
You can do the dishes to pay for
this!
                                                            
He springs to his feet.
                                                            
                       BILL
You're all out of my will!
                                                            
                       VICKY
What?
                                                            
                       GORDON
You can't do that!
                                                            
                       BILL
Bet me!
                                                            
Bill storms out in front of admiring staff. Kathy stands
up.
                                                            
                       KATHY
What on earth got into him?
Deepest sympathy.
                                                            
She leaves.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Kathy sit at the kitchen table in spacious
surroundings.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Giving your money to charity is
great, but it won't teach your
kids how to make it on their own.
                                                            
A CHEF walks over with a skillet and serves Bill and Kathy
eggs and bacon.
                                                            
                       BILL
I've told you a million times, I
want my bacon crispy and I don't
want my eggs runny!
                                                            
Bill sees a fly land on his plate and shoos it away.
                                                            
                       BILL
Start over.
                                                            

21.

The chef takes Bill's plate.
                                                            
                       KATHY
I'll eat it.
                                                            
The chef hands the plate to Kathy.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You're worse than your kids. There
are starving kids in Cambodia.
                                                            
Bill watches Kathy dig in to the food. The doorbell RINGS.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You did the right thing last
night.
                                                            
                       BILL
Not really. The restaurant
wouldn't let them leave, so I kind
of went back and paid the bill.
                                                            
Disappointment flashes across Kathy's face.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Oh, Bill! Why did you do that?
                                                            
The doorbell RINGS.
                                                            
                       BILL
Where's Morgan?
                                                            
Bill walks over and opens the front door. Vicky, Drake, and
Pilar are dressed up. Drake has his hair slicked back.
Pilar has ribbons in her pigtails. They enter.
                                                            
                       VICKY
They wanted to stop by after
church to see how their favorite
grandpa was doing.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm their only grandpa. When did
you start going to church?
                                                            
                       VICKY
We got to church early and stayed
late so we could pray for you.
                                                            
Drake and Pilar can't believe their mother just said this.
                                                            

22.

KITCHEN
                                                            
                       KATHY
Hi.
                                                            
                       BILL
Did you have breakfast?
                                                            
                       VICKY
No, Father.
                                                            
Kathy cocks an eyebrow. Vicky, Drake, and Pilar can't take
their eyes off Kathy's food.
                                                            
                       VICKY
We just wanted to check on
Grandpa.
                                                            
Pilar helps herself to a strip of Kathy's bacon. Drake does
the same. Vicky joins in. It's hungry vultures on a
carcass. Kathy has trouble containing herself.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Bill.
                                                            
                       BILL
Look, why don't you come back
another time?
                                                            
Bill ushers Vicky and the kids toward the door.
                                                            
                       PILAR
We were just seeing how good old
Grandpa was doing.
                                                            
                       BILL
Well, thanks for coming.
                                                            
                       VICKY
You weren't serious last night.
                                                            
Bill opens the door.
                                                            
                       BILL
Yes, I was. Get a job, and you
might get back in my will.
                                                            
Bill hurries them out and closes the door. His cell phone
RINGS.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hello. Tonight? Seven o'clock.
Okay. Yes, I was serious!
                                                            

23.

Bill closes his phone.
                                                            
                       BILL
Barbara wants us over for dinner.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Me, too? They'll do anything to
get back into your will.
                                                            
 
INT. C.P.A.'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill sits in front of a large desk. Behind the desk is JIM
ELIADES, 58, studious. On the desk is a large book.
                                                            
                       JIM
This contains all the charities.
                                                            
He slides a thin booklet across the desk toward Bill.
                                                            
                       JIM
But only these give one hundred
percent of the proceeds.
                                                            
Bill thumbs through the booklet.
                                                            
                       BILL
Give fifty million to USC, and the
rest, equally, to these.
                                                            
 
INT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Barbara puts a Band-aid on the inside of Damian's middle
finger and kisses it.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Now it'll be all better.
                                                            
Damian runs off.
                                                            
A TV plays an episode of "Leave It To Beaver." Barbara has
a fifties hair style and wears an apron over a sun dress.
She copies the mannerisms of TV mother June Cleaver.
                                                            
Mitch, Mildred, and Damian, in formal attire, make last
minute preparations with their appearances. The doorbell
RINGS.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Okay. Here we go.
                                                            
Barbara answers the door.
                                                            

24.

                       BARBARA
How nice to see you! Come on in!
                                                            
Bill and Kathy stare at Barbara's June Cleaver look.
                                                            
DINING ROOM
                                                            
Bill, Kathy, Drake, and Pilar are seated at the table trying
to chew their unappetizing macaroni and cheese.
                                                            
Barbara brings a pot of coffee. Bill picks up his coffee
cup and blows a cloud of dust out. Kathy blows dust out of
her cup. Barbara pours Bill a cup.
                                                            
Bill sips his coffee and makes a disgusting face. He grabs
Kathy's cup and puts it upside down on its saucer.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
The kids are afraid of their
futures if they're not in your
will.
                                                            
                       BILL
They'll have nothing to worry
about once you start working.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
But I wouldn't know what to do.
                                                            
                       BILL
They'll train you.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Just being handed everything isn't
good for you.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Nobody asked you.
                                                            
                       BILL
Barbara!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Are we in your will, or are you
leaving it all to her!
                                                            
Bill and Kathy get up and head for the door. Barbara and
her kids follow.
                                                            
                       BILL
You've all gotten way too spoiled!
                                                            

25.

                       BARBARA
You're one to talk! Grandpa left
you everything!
                                                            
Damian hugs Bill's leg.
                                                            
                       BILL
Damian's the only one who should
be in my will.
                                                            
Damian lifts his hand and raises his bandaged middle finger
at Bill to show his injured finger, but the bandage is on
the opposite side hidden from Bill and Kathy.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Well!
                                                            
                       BILL
Where do they get this!
                                                            
Bill and Kathy storm out.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill drives with Kathy shotgun. Kathy sees a used car lot
with several tired cars.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Pull into that car lot.
                                                            
                       BILL
Why?
                                                            
                       KATHY
You're going to lead by example.
                                                            
Bill's car pulls into the car lot.
                                                            
 
EXT. USED CAR LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
A car salesman shows Bill and Kathy old, beat up cars. Bill
picks out four buckets of bolts.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Kathy exits driving Bill's car. Bill drives off in an old
Ford Taurus that lurches down the street.
                                                            
 

26.

INT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
The house is a disaster area with clothes and half-eaten
food scattered throughout. Slovenly Mitch, Mildred, and
Damian lie on couches watching TV and eating potato chips.
                                                            
KNOCKING at the front door.
                                                            
                       MITCH
      (To Mildred)
Go get it.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
      (To Damian)
Go get it.
                                                            
Damian sucks his thumb while he drags his blanket to the
front door. He opens the door and Bill bursts inside.
                                                            
Bill makes a beeline to Mitch and Mildred. He grabs the
remote and turns off the TV.
                                                            
                       BILL
You're having a garage sale!
                                                            
BARBARA'S ROOM
                                                            
Barbara sleeps. Bill bursts in. He grabs her car keys off
the dresser.
                                                            
                       BILL
Wake up! You're gonna get a job.
                                                            
Barbara is slow to react.
                                                            
                       BILL
Get up! You're a poor example to
your kids.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Jeez. What time is it?
                                                            
                       BILL
It's after noon. Is that late
enough for you? I'm letting the
maid and butler go.
                                                            
Bill carries a box down the stairs. Right on his heels,
Barbara and the kids carry boxes.
                                                            
                       BILL
Get all the things you've bought
with my money and sell it!
                                                            

27.

                       BARBARA
That would be everything!
                                                            
                       BILL
Good.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
I can't do a garage sale! What'll
the neighbors think?
                                                            
 
EXT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Barbara, and the kids march out the front door.
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't care what the stupid
neighbors think!
                                                            
A surprised neighbor looks over.
                                                            
Kathy gets out of the Ford Taurus. Bill sets the box down
on the driveway. He hands Barbara a set of car keys.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What's this?
                                                            
                       BILL
The keys to your new car.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What did you get me? A Mercedes?
                                                            
Bill hands Kathy the keys to Barbara's Jaguar.
                                                            
Barbara notices an old, beat up car.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What? You can't do that!
                                                            
Kathy smiles as she drives off in the Jaguar.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'll be at your sister's the next
couple of days.
                                                            
Bill gets into his beat up Ford Taurus. Barbara and the
kids watch him drive off.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Did Grandpa lose all his money?
                                                            

28.

                       BARBARA
I don't know. Wait.
                                                            
Her kids get antsy.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Wait.
                                                            
The Taurus disappears around a corner.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Okay.
                                                            
Barbara and the kids take the boxes back to the house.
                                                            
 
INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill sleeps. Drake and Pilar sneak in with large boxes.
Drake slithers by Bill's bed and opens the window.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Bill shakes as he sleeps. He wakes up and sees the curtains
billowing. He gets out of bed, immediately slips, and lands
flat on his back.
                                                            
                       BILL
Damn it!
                                                            
Bill turns on a light. Roller skates, skateboards, and toys
cover the floor. Blankets are missing from his bed. He
navigates past the toys, and closes the window.
                                                            
Bill opens the closet. Unopened boxes of TV advertised items
CRASH to the floor.
                                                            
HALLWAY
                                                            
Bill opens the cupboards. They're loaded with an array of
TV advertised items.
                                                            
STORAGE BEDROOM
                                                            
Bill squeezes past boxes stacked to the ceiling. He yanks a
comforter off a bed.
                                                            
 
EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Kathy smiles as she drives off in Vicky's Mercedes. Bill
drives off in his Taurus.
                                                            

29.

Vicky, Drake, and Pilar hold boxes of TV advertised items
with shocked expressions.
                                                            
They see their next door neighbor having a garage sale.
                                                            
                       VICKY
We'll have Mrs. Burns sell it.
                                                            
They walk next door. Vicky punches numbers on her cell
phone.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Dead man's headed your way.
                                                            
 
INT. GORDON'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill sits at a desk duct-taped to an office chair. On the
desk is a sloppily printed paper which reads: LAST WILL AND
TESTAMENT.
                                                            
Gordon slams a pencil on the document.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Sign it!
                                                            
Bill chuckles. Gordon slips brass knuckles over his
fingers.
                                                            
                       BILL
It's gotta be in pen, dummy.
                                                            
Gordon grabs a pen from a drawer and slams it on the
document.
                                                            
                       BILL
You wanna eat bologna sandwiches
and dog food three times a day?
                                                            
Gordon stops.
                                                            
                       BILL
You wanna get beat up in prison?
                                                            
Gordon's shoulders droop.
                                                            
                       BILL
You'll never see another beautiful
woman as long as you live.
                                                            
Gordon rips the duct tape off Bill.
                                                            
 

30.

EXT. BILL'S OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
Drake hides behind bushes. Bill drives into the parking lot
in his Maserati. Drake speaks into a cell phone.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Yeah, he's still got the Maserati.
What a phoney.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill is at his desk. Kathy stealthily pours a bowl of
generic cereal into a bowl. She pours generic orange juice
into a glass.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Are you looking forward to your
trip to the Bahamas?
                                                            
                       BILL
I can't wait.
                                                            
She serves the breakfast to Bill on a tray.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You know, the kids would save a
lot if they didn't buy name brand
items.
                                                            
                       BILL
It isn't the same.
                                                            
Bill drinks the orange juice and eats the cereal.
                                                            
                       KATHY
How's your breakfast?
                                                            
                       BILL
Fine.
                                                            
She shows him the store brand packages.
                                                            
 
INT. DISCOUNT SUPERMARKET - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Kathy and embarrassed Vicky, Barbara, Gordon, Drake,
Pilar, Mitch, Mildred, and Damian stroll down a filthy,
poorly stocked cereal aisle. Needy shoppers push their way
past the disgusted group.
                                                            
Bill leans in to Kathy.
                                                            

31.

                       BILL
We're really going to make them
eat this?
                                                            
                       KATHY
You said yourself, there's no
difference.
                                                            
Bill places boxes of generic, healthy cereal into the
shopping cart and walks away with Kathy.
                                                            
Mitch takes the generic cereal out of the cart and tosses
them carelessly onto the shelves. He throws brand name,
sugary cereal into the cart.
                                                            
                       KATHY
It's cheaper and healthier to cook
at home. You'll need storage
containers for leftovers.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Leftovers!
                                                            
Bill leans in to Kathy.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Do you wanna teach them, or not?
                                                            
Vicky leans over to Barbara.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Why is she telling us this stuff?
                                                            
                       BILL (O.S.)
Because you're gonna be on your
own when I'm gone.
                                                            
                       VICKY
C'mon, Dad. You're not really
taking us out of your will.
                                                            
                       BILL
Keep thinking that.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Mitch loads cartons of ice cream into the cart. Kathy takes
the ice cream out and replaces them with fruits and
vegetables. Mitch shoots Kathy a nasty look.
                                                            
MONTAGE - KATHY GIVES MORE MONEY-SAVING TIPS
                                                            

32.

- Kathy points to a "BUY TWO AND SAVE" sign.

- Kathy points at red tag sale signs.

- Kathy shows the relatives coupons.
                                                            
CHECKOUT LINE
                                                            
Bill and the others place items on the conveyor belt.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Is this even edible?
                                                            
                       BILL
Get out your money.
                                                            
Barbara, Vicky, and Gordon each pull out a debit card.
                                                            
                       KATHY
That was easy.
                                                            
She sees an odd look on Bill.
                                                            
                       KATHY
What?
                                                            
                       BILL
At the start of each month, I kind
of stick cash in their accounts.
                                                            
Utter disgust crosses Kathy's face.
                                                            
Bill collects the debit cards.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Barbara, Vicky, and Gordon are huddled around Bill's
desk. Kathy walks in unnoticed.
                                                            
                       BILL
Eight hundred, nine hundred, a
thousand.
                                                            
Kathy sees Bill counting out stacks of bills.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Bill Stocker!
                                                            
Bill jumps.
                                                            
                       BILL
It's just a little allowance.
                                                            

33.

                       KATHY
Good. I could use an allowance.
                                                            
Kathy confiscates the money and stuffs it into her purse.
                                                            
LATER - KATHY'S DESK
                                                            
Kathy scans over Barbara's, Vicky's, and Gordon's nearly
blank resumes. Gordon steals the envelope from Kathy's
purse. Kathy slaps his hand and takes the envelope.
                                                            
                       BILL
Can't you embellish their resumes
a little?
                                                            
                       KATHY
There's nothing to embellish, but
I'll see what I can do.
                                                            
 
INT. VARIOUS OFFICES - DAY
                                                            
MONTAGE - BARBARA, VICKY, AND GORDON ARE REJECTED FOR JOBS
                                                            
-- A human resources worker shakes her head at Barbara.

-- A business owner shakes his head at Vicky.

-- A human resources manager laughs at Gordon's resume.
                                                            
 
INT. INVESTMENT BROKERAGE OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
An electronic stock ticker races across the wall. An
account representative is seated with Bill, Vicky, Gordon,
and Barbara who sign documents. The representative collects
the documents and shakes hands with the four.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't tell Kathy. This money is
for investing only. When it's
gone, that's it. You hear me?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Yes.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Yeah.
                                                            
                       GORDON
What do you know about pork
bellies?
                                                            

34.

                       BILL
Jeez.
                                                            
 
EXT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Barbara, Mitch, Mildred, and Damian stare at the empty
building with a "For Sale" sign.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't feel bad. Your investment
money lasted longer than your
brother's or sister's. You're sure
you can make money doing this?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We've eaten at enough of these
joints to know how to run 'em.
                                                            
 
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - DAY
                                                            
Empty. Barbara sits with her head in her hands looking out
at the empty parking lot. A clock behind her reads: 12:30
p.m. Mitch, Mildred, and Damian are in fast food attire
inhaling french fries and ice cream.
                                                            
 
INT. BEAUTY SALON - DAY
                                                            
Vicky and Pilar stare at all the empty salon stations. Vicky
sits in one of the station chairs.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Give me another manicure.
                                                            
 
INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY
                                                            
Numerous TVs play in the empty bar. Behind the bar, Gordon
grabs a beer out of the mini refrigerator, takes a swig, and
watches a game.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Kathy rifles through a file cabinet while Bill practices his
golf swing.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You never should've bought 'em
their own businesses!
                                                            

35.

                       BILL
I know, I know.
                                                            
She pulls a document from the file cabinet.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Why don't you put them to work
here?
                                                            
                       BILL
They'd bankrupt the company!
                                                            
                       KATHY
We'd be right here to watch them.
                                                            
                       BILL
I don't know.
                                                            
She hands him the document.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You don't have a choice.
                                                            
Bill scans the document.
                                                            
                       BILL
I agreed to keep the business in
the family before I knew what
they'd become. They never took an
interest in the business.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Maybe because you never showed
them the business.
                                                            
 
INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
                                                            
A toner cartridge rests on a copier. Vicky looks at the
copier from every angle. Bill and Kathy give each other
funny looks as they watch Vicky, on her hands and knees,
check for an opening under the copier.
                                                            
Barbara wears an operator's headset in a nearby cubicle.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Mr. Douglas, if you don't like my
attitude you can take your
business elsewhere!
                                                            
Bill and Kathy rush over. Barbara rips off her headset.
                                                            

36.

                       BILL
That's our biggest customer!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
So what?
                                                            
TRUCK DRIVER (30), barroom brawler, walks over with an
invoice.
                                                            
                       TRUCK DRIVER
Where do you want it?
                                                            
Truck driver hands the invoice to Kathy.
                                                            
                       KATHY
No!
                                                            
Bill sees the invoice.
                                                            
                       BILL
Gordon!
                                                            
Bill and Kathy hustle to a window. They see a line of
flatbed trucks with enough lumber to build The Pentagon.
                                                            
                       BILL
They'll never make it after I'm
gone.
                                                            
They peer out at a homeless man on the street.
                                                            
                       KATHY
That's them after you're gone.
                                                            
Worry lines cut into Bill's forehead.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
The weight of the world is on Bill as he stands at a grave
which reads in part: DELORES STOCKER. He places white roses
on her grave.
                                                            
A nearby burial service takes place. Bill watches mourners
place flowers and other items into the grave.
                                                            
A light goes on in Bill. He ecstatically hustles off.
                                                            
 
INT. CEMETERY OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill is surrounded by caskets and tombstones. The manager,
CECIL BONNER (50), curious, points at a cemetery wall map.

37.

He is oblivious to Bill's personal space as he speaks inches
from Bill.
                                                            
                       CECIL
I think this will be plenty of
space for you.
                                                            
Bill's face crunches up indicating Cecil has bad breath.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'll take it.
                                                            
Bill tries to get his personal space back by backing away,
but Cecil stays right with him.
                                                            
                       CECIL
I've never sold such a large plot
before. Are you planning on
gaining a lot of weight?
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm claustrophobic.
                                                            
                       CECIL
No one makes that large of a
casket...although I heard a fat
slob was buried in a piano once.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'll take care of the casket.
                                                            
 
INT. INVESTMENT BROKER'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill sits in front of a large, presidential desk. On the
wall, company stock symbols race by on an electronic stock
ticker. LES STEVENS (60), competent, punches a keyboard with
lightning speed.
                                                            
                       LES
Okay, so we're going to liquidate
your entire account, and put the
funds into gold bullion.
                                                            
                       BILL
Correct.
                                                            
Bill signs a document.
                                                            
 

38.

INT. BILL'S OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
The furniture and cubicles are gone. Movers cart the last
boxes off with a dolly.
                                                            
                       BILL
You sure you don't want to go to
the Bahamas?
                                                            
                       KATHY
No, thanks. Enjoy yourself, and
don't worry about the kids.
                                                            
Bill takes one last look at the empty office space. He
flips the light switch. The two leave.
                                                            
 
EXT. BAHAMAS GOLF COURSE - DAY
                                                            
A gentle wind blows through palm trees. Bill enjoys a pina
colada at a bar.
                                                            
Bill overhears GOLFER ONE (50), and GOLFER TWO (50), at the
next table.
                                                            
                       GOLFER ONE
How long are you going to be in
Haiti?
                                                            
                       GOLFER TWO
A week. I wish I could stay
longer, but I've got a lot on my
plate at the office.
                                                            
                       GOLFER ONE
I'm sure the earthquake victims
appreciate any help.
                                                            
 
EXT. HAITI AIRPORT - DAY
                                                            
A plane touches down.
                                                            
 
INT. TAXI - DAY
                                                            
Bill bounces around in a filthy taxi as he looks out the
window at destroyed buildings. Women wash clothes in the
gutter.
                                                            
 

39.

EXT. TENT CITY - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Taxi Driver stand next to the taxi. There are
worn, cardboard tents pitched one next to the other as far
as the eye can see. Taxi Driver gestures as Bill listens.
Bill pays Taxi Driver who gets in his taxi and leaves.
                                                            
People smile and immediately surround Bill, including
EMMANUEL (28), black, enthusiastic, his wife BRONTE (23),
black, reserved, and daughter JOHANNE (4).
                                                            
                       EMMANUEL
Hello, my friend.
                                                            
                       BRONTE
Where you from?
                                                            
                       BILL
The U.S.
                                                            
                       EMMANUEL
Oh, America!
                                                            
Bill walks along the hot, dusty streets. The people follow
him as though he were a celebrity. Bill spots a young girl,
MALIKA (7), filthy, shy, sitting in the dirt.
                                                            
                       BILL
What's your name?
                                                            
Malika looks away.
                                                            
                       BRONTE
Her name Malika. Only one left in
family.
                                                            
Bill crouches down to Malika's eye level.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hello, Malika.
                                                            
Malika glances at Bill and then looks away.
                                                            
                       BILL
We need to get her some food and a
bath.
                                                            
                       BRIAN (O.S.)
There's no clean water for a bath.
                                                            
Bill turns to find BRIAN DAVIS, 30, lanky, raggedy dressed,
stirring a large, black kettle. Bill strolls over.
                                                            

40.

LATER
                                                            
Bill and Brian eat amongst Haitians.
                                                            
                       BILL
So, solar water filtration systems
would be the most efficient use of
money?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
That's what's needed.
                                                            
                       BILL
How long do you plan on doing
this?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I'll be here another month or so
until my money runs out, then I
gotta get a job in the states.
I'll be back once I've saved up
enough.
                                                            
                       BILL
Why are you doing this?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It makes me happy.
                                                            
Bill covertly pulls some bills out of his wallet and hands
them to Brian.
                                                            
                       BILL
Do me a favor and keep an eye on
that little girl.
                                                            
Brian pushes back the money.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
You don't have to--
                                                            
Bill puts the bills in Brian's pocket.
                                                            
                       BILL
Make sure she's got enough to eat.
Why are they all smiling?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
You can be happy with little.
                                                            
Bill walks over to Malika. Her melancholy eyes drift away
from him. Bill returns to Brian.
                                                            

41.

                       BILL
What if I make it so you don't
have to leave?
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Bill's suitcase is open on the ground next to a makeshift
shower made from a tarp. Bill dunks and scrubs Malika's
clothes in a bucket.
                                                            
INSIDE SHOWER
                                                            
Malika shampoos her hair. She pours a bucket of filthy
water over her head.
                                                            
OUTSIDE SHOWER
                                                            
Bill takes clothes, soaps, and towels out of the suitcase
and puts them in a plastic bag. Malika appears from the tarp
wearing a grin and an oversized man's shirt.
                                                            
Bill hands Malika the plastic bag. She smiles up at him.
                                                            
 
INT. BILL'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill drives with Kathy shotgun.
                                                            
                       BILL
You wouldn't believe all the
poverty, Kathy.
                                                            
Bill's cell phone RINGS. Bill taps the speakerphone button.
                                                            
                       BILL
Bill Stocker.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON (V.O.)
Bill! Doctor Wilson! Great news!
We mixed up your X-rays with
another patient's. You're fine!
                                                            
                       BILL
You're kidding!
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON (V.O.)
Gotta go. I got the other patient
on the other line and I gotta tell
him he's gonna die.
                                                            
A sinister smile comes over Kathy.
                                                            

42.

                       KATHY
Tell him not to tell anyone!
                                                            
                       BILL
Doc, don't tell anyone about this.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON (V.O.)
I won't.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Kathy, and Cecil oversee construction workers
operating bulldozers and diggers to carve out a trench.
Cranes lower steel fencing. Cecil invades Bill's personal
space.
                                                            
                       CECIL
I didn't even know there was a
flooding problem here.
                                                            
Bill invades Cecil's personal space.
                                                            
                       BILL
In addition to being
claustrophobic, I have a fear of
drowning.
                                                            
Cecil backs off.
                                                            
                       BILL
Kathy has my okay on everything.
Whatever she says goes.
                                                            
Bill and Kathy watch Cecil hop into an electric golf cart
and head toward the office.
                                                            
                       KATHY
You think he's buying it?
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't ever underestimate American
stupidity.
                                                            
                       KATHY
What if faking your death doesn't
make 'em independent?
                                                            
                       BILL
It'll have to. I'm out of ideas.
                                                            
Bill turns and cups his hands to act as a megaphone.
                                                            

43.

                       BILL
Pipes!
                                                            
Flatbed trucks loaded with huge PVC pipes appear from behind
large trees.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
The last of the PVC pipes is connected to the rest of a
pipeline.
                                                            
Bulldozers cover the pipeline with dirt.
                                                            
Workers lay the sod back on top of the dirt. Bill places
small, land marker flags into the ground.
                                                            
Workers erect a tall, steel perimeter fence.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Bill gives the kids and grandkids a tour of his gravesite.
                                                            
                       BILL
You'll have your own special
entrance in the back whenever you
wanna come visit me.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Yeah, that'll happen.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
How come Grandma's not next to
you?
                                                            
                       BILL
She'll be moved once all this is
done. Kathy knows all about it.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Is she gonna get all the
inheritance?
                                                            
                       BILL
None of us would be here if it
weren't for her.
                                                            
Bill moves on ahead of the others.
                                                            
                       BILL
Unlike you, she's worked for what
she's got.
                                                            

44.

                       BARBARA
Not that allowance money she
stole.
                                                            
Vicky, Barbara, and Gordon form a huddle.
                                                            
                       GORDON
He's overdue for his pine box.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Let's hire a hit man.
                                                            
                       VICKY
I already looked into it. The
cheapest is twenty grand.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Did you try Craig's List?
                                                            
They observe all the construction.
                                                            
                       GORDON
He doesn't need all this.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
When he dies, let's just throw a
sheet over him.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Kathy walks around the empty building with realtor LINDA
SEGERSTROM (35), statuesque, greedy, deceiving.
                                                            
                       LINDA
This should be plenty of space for
you and very quiet.
                                                            
                       KATHY
I'll take it.
                                                            
 
INT. HARDWARE STORE - DAY
                                                            
Bill points at several items. Store employees write on
notepads as they walk alongside Bill down an aisle.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Workers cover the glass doors and windows with dark tint.
                                                            

45.

Construction workers use forklifts to unload pallets of
bricks, cement mix, and fifty gallon drums from a truck. The
drums read: Gold Paint.
                                                            
Workers build a separate room made of bricks.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Workers cement the last bricks of the brick room. SUPERVISOR
(50), looks at several pallets of bricks.
                                                            
                       SUPERVISOR
There's a lot of extra bricks.
                                                            
                       BILL
I know. You guys wanna work
overtime?
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill directs workers under floodlights. The workers use a
digger to dig a giant hole.
                                                            
 
INT. ELECTRONIC STORE - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Kathy examine monitors as a giant wall of TVs play.
An employee, KEN GILES (20), passionate, approaches.
                                                            
                       KEN
Can I help you?
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Construction workers put the finishing touches on the
lighting. Pallets of leftover bricks are in a corner.
                                                            
Bill and Kathy lead Ken, who carries a duffel bag and wears
a tool belt, to the conference room.
                                                            
CONFERENCE ROOM
                                                            
The conference room looks like a news studio control room
overflowing with plasma TV monitors. A large, polished,
conference table is surrounded by large office chairs.
Multiple electrical outlets run along the baseboard.
                                                            
Bill watches as Ken splices wires and attaches connectors.
Ken points to a device attached to a phone.
                                                            

46.

                       KEN
Per your request, I've added a
digital voice changer to every
phone.
                                                            
                       BILL
Great.
                                                            
 
EXT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill hides behind a tree. He watches Barbara and her kids
drive off with music BLASTING. Bill hustles up the driveway
with a duffel bag.
                                                            
 
INT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill opens the duffel bag. He pulls out rolls of wires and
tiny cameras.
                                                            
Bill installs a nanny cam in the air duct system.
                                                            
 
INT. HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
MONTAGE - BILL INSTALLS NANNY CAMS
                                                            
-- Bill installs a camera in Gordon's house.

-- Bill installs a camera in Vicky's house and car.

-- Bill installs a nanny cam in Barbara's car.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Kathy watch activity on the monitors. Bill points
a remote control at a monitor.
                                                            
                       BILL
There's the three little pigs.
                                                            
ON MONITOR
                                                            
Barbara and her kids get into their van and buckle up.
                                                            
                       MITCH (V.O.)
      (On monitor)
I don't wanna go to school!
                                                            

47.

                       BARBARA (V.O.)
      (On monitor)
You're going to school!
                                                            
Barbara starts the car. Music BLARES. Bill points the
remote at the monitor. The volume shuts off.
                                                            
                       BILL
It was a waste to put a mic in
Barbara's car.
                                                            
Bill watches Vicky's family room monitor. Drake and Pilar
eat bowls of cereal on the couch.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
The conference table overflows with medical supplies. Bill
and Kathy pack the medical supplies.
                                                            
 
INT. CORONER'S - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Kathy spy on DR. Joakim (45), obese, through a door
window.
                                                            
Several sheet-covered bodies lie toe-tagged on gurneys. Dr.
Joakim examines a body and fills out a paper attached to a
clipboard.
                                                            
                       BILL
He's always at the nineteenth hole
at the club. He's gotta weakness
for booze and women.
                                                            
                       KATHY
But I'm sixty-five years old.
                                                            
                       BILL
Doesn't matter with this guy.
                                                            
Bill pulls out a huge Grey Goose vodka bottle.
                                                            
                       BILL
Once the goose gets quack'n, he
won't care.
                                                            
INSIDE AUTOPSY ROOM
                                                            
Dr. Joakim wheels a gurney into a storage cooler. Kathy
races in and sets the vodka bottle and a tumbler on a table.
She grabs a clipboard and races out.
                                                            

48.

Dr. Joakim exits the storage cooler and sees the vodka
bottle. He looks around. He takes the bottle into the
cooler.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Dr. Joakim stumbles around glassy-eyed. Kathy runway walks
in pushing a gurney with a covered body. She's dressed in a
nurses's uniform with several buttons undone.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Doctor, I need your John Hancock.
                                                            
Dr. Joakim likes what he sees in Kathy.
                                                            
                       DR. JOAKIM
Anytime! Let's see what we got.
                                                            
He stares at Kathy while he pulls the sheet back. Bill is
painted in white, black and blue bruises and lacerations.
Dr. Joakim looks at Bill and jumps back into one of the
bodies. The body falls on the floor.
                                                            
                       DR. JOAKIM
He's dead alright! He's all
screwed up!
                                                            
Kathy hands Dr. Joakim a clipboard. He signs the paperwork.
                                                            
                       DR. JOAKIM
Car accident?
                                                            
                       KATHY
Eighteen wheeler.
                                                            
Kathy pushes the gurney toward the doors, turns back, and
winks. Dr. Joakim falls back on a body.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Gordon, Barbara, and Vicky race their cars down a street.
Each attempts to overtake the others. Their kids are in the
cars.
                                                            
 
EXT. BILL'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Vicky's car, Barbara's car, and Gordon's car all SCREECH to
a halt. Vicky, Barbara, Gordon, and all the grandkids race
from their cars to Bill's front door pushing and shoving
each other.
                                                            

49.

                       BARBARA
I get the dining room set!
                                                            
                       VICKY
No, you don't!
                                                            
                       GORDON
I get the grandfather clock!
                                                            
Gordon tries to kick in the front door.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Hold on! I got a key.
                                                            
Barbara unlocks the door and the group races inside.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
The relatives haul furniture, appliances, and all of Bill's
suits to their cars. They drive off.
                                                            
 
EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Vicky, Barbara, and Gordon park their cars overflowing with
Bill's things. The kids and grandkids take the items next
door to Mrs. Burns who is having a garage sale.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill observes the monitor of Vicky's bedroom. Vicky sleeps
peacefully. On the night stand next to her are balloons and
a party hat. Bill pushes a button and speaks into a
microphone.
                                                            
                       BILL
Vicky. Vicky.
                                                            
Bill adjusts a dial on the control board.
                                                            
                       BILL
Vicky!
                                                            
Vicky pops up to a sitting position and looks around. Bill
adjusts a dial.
                                                            
Vicky lies down and closes her eyes.
                                                            
                       BILL
Get a job. Don't let your kids
eat junk food.
                                                            

50.

Bill pushes some buttons. He sees Barbara sleeping in bed
on one of the monitors.
                                                            
                       BILL
Barbara, get a job.
                                                            
Barbara moves slightly.
                                                            
                       BILL
Cook at home, Barbara. Eat
together as a family.
                                                            
He pushes some buttons. He sees Gordon sleeping.
                                                            
                       BILL
Hey, gigolo. Either marry 'em or
cut ties. Don't string 'em along.
                                                            
Bill sees Drake on a monitor. He speaks into the mic.
                                                            
                       BILL
Stop being bad you little punk.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
Armed guards stand next to several tarp-covered blocks.
Bill's piano-sized casket dangles from a crane. A large
block statue is in the background.
                                                            
Bill's huge, freshly-dug grave is surrounded by smiling,
talkative family members and friends. A maintenance truck
is nearby.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
I heard Grandpa in my sleep last
night.
                                                            
                       MITCH
So did I.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
I also heard him.
                                                            
INSIDE THE CASKET
                                                            
Bill wears a hot pink, sequin suit. He is surrounded by
stacks of bills. He perspires as he holds his cell phone to
his ear.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm boiling over!
                                                            

51.

                       KATHY (V.O.)
Be quiet.
                                                            
                       BILL
I can't believe you went to
Goodwill.
                                                            
Bill takes off his suit.
                                                            
                       KATHY (V.O.)
Nobody will see you wearing it.
                                                            
                       BILL
Because I'm not going to wear it.
Goodwill sells dead people's
clothes.
                                                            
                       KATHY (V.O.)
You are a dead person.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm an alive person playing dead.
                                                            
                       KATHY (V.O.)
You're worse than your kids.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE CASKET
                                                            
FATHER JOHNSON (30), burly, soulful, stands by the giant
hole. A gardener approaches with a LOUD weedwacker.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
Whatever money and possessions
that could fit inside the casket
are in with Bill.
                                                            
Father Johnson points at the tarp-covered blocks.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
The rest of his wealth--
                                                            
The crowd strains to hear the priest as the gardener ROARS
by. Father Johnson points at the tarp-covered blocks.
                                                            
The armed guards, including KEVIN (25), black, strong,
proud, remove the tarps to reveal large pallets of bundled
bills and gold bars wrapped in plastic.
                                                            
The people GASP and use their hands to screen their eyes
from the bright sunlight reflecting off the gold. Drake
mouths the words "HOLY SHIT."
                                                            
The people struggle to lip read Father Johnson.
                                                            

52.

                       DRAKE
He's saying the rest is for us!
                                                            
The mob races to the money and gold. The guards point their
weapons at the mob which skids to a stop.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Stay back!
                                                            
A gardener on a LOUD lawnmower drives by. Kevin points back
toward the dangling casket. The mob tries to read Kevin's
lips.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, he's saying we get the
money in the casket!
                                                            
The crowd races to the casket. Some grab brooms and rakes
from the maintenance truck and hit the casket like a pinata.
                                                            
INSIDE THE CASKET
                                                            
Bill rocks back and forth.
                                                            
                       BILL
Someone's really gonna die.
                                                            
A casket trap door is struck and opens. Bill quickly tosses
out numerous bills and slams the trap door shut.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE CASKET
                                                            
The bills flutter towards the ground. The mob snatches the
bills out of the air.
                                                            
Cecil and the armed guards control the mob.
                                                            
Drake whispers something to Gordon.
                                                            
                       GORDON
I'd like to see the body.
                                                            
                       CECIL
It's a closed casket for a reason.
                                                            
                       GORDON
I still want to see him.
                                                            
The mob approaches the casket.
                                                            
                       CECIL
Alright, alright.
                                                            

53.

Cemetery workers negotiate the battered casket into the
giant hole. Kathy squirms.
                                                            
They untie the casket from the crane.
                                                            
                       KATHY
I didn't want to tell you, but it
wasn't just one eighteen wheeler
that ran your dad over. It was an
entire convoy!
                                                            
GASPS.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Must've been fifty or more! They
couldn't find all his parts!
                                                            
                       GORDON
Now I really want to see him.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, that's sick.
                                                            
Cecil opens the casket. Bill lies still in the hot pink,
sequin jacket. His shirt is unbuttoned.
                                                            
                       CECIL
Wow! My guy does good work.
                                                            
                       VICKY
He didn't even put a tie on him.
                                                            
                       JIM
Where was the party, Bill?
                                                            
They LAUGH. Drake slithers closer to the casket.
                                                            
                       LES
Got in one last binge?
                                                            
                       JIM
No wonder he got hit.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
Lord, that's how I wanna go. Bam!
Dead before I know it.
                                                            
Cecil sees Drake reaching into the casket for some money. He
SLAMS the casket on Drake's fingers. Drake writhes in pain.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
Bill didn't want to take all his
possessions with him, but he
refused to reward spoiled loved
            (MORE)

54.

                       FATHER JOHNSON (cont'd)
ones who didn't live their lives
to the fullest.
                                                            
                       MITCH
Who's he talking about?
                                                            
Mildred shrugs her shoulders.
                                                            
Kathy dabbles a handkerchief about her eyes. Out of the
corner of her eye she sees a crane approach with a huge,
white, casket vault cover.
                                                            
A gardener with a LOUD blower passes nearby.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Wait!
                                                            
Nobody hears Kathy. She jumps into the grave and beats the
casket.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Bill! They're gonna cover you!
                                                            
The crowd is amused.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Duh!
                                                            
Mitch makes the cuckoo sign by circling his ear with his
index finger. The crane closes in. Kathy tries to open the
casket.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Stop!
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
Death stops for no one.
                                                            
Cecil turns to Father Johnson and invades his personal
space.
                                                            
                       CECIL
Let her get it out of her system.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
I thought only blacks did this.
                                                            
Vicky turns to Barbara.
                                                            
                       VICKY
She must've been having an affair
with Dad.
                                                            

55.

Cecil frantically waves his hands at the crane operator.
                                                            
                       CECIL
Stop! Stop!
                                                            
The crane operator sees Cecil and Kathy, and stops. Everyone
stares at Kathy who points at the casket cover.
                                                            
                       KATHY
What's that?
                                                            
                       CECIL
We need to put it over the casket
so the land doesn't dip.
                                                            
                       KATHY
No, you don't. I have a power of
attorney.
                                                            
Cecil waves off the crane operator.
                                                            
INSIDE THE GRAVE
                                                            
The casket trap door opens. Bill pops his head out to see
if the coast is clear. He scrambles into the tunnel through
a camouflaged partition which hides the tunnel entrance.
                                                            
TUNNEL
                                                            
In dim light, several yards away, are an air mattress,
blankets, bottles of water, and steel oxygen tanks.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE GRAVE
                                                            
Cranes lower the pallets of money and gold into the grave
around the casket.
                                                            
                       DR. JOAKIM
Aren't they worried someone will
try to rob it?
                                                            
                       LINDA
Naa, there's too much respect for
the dead.
                                                            
TUNNEL
                                                            
Bill watches as the tunnel darkens with each lowered pallet.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE GRAVE
                                                            
Bulldozers scoop dirt from a mound and drop it into the
grave.
                                                            

56.

TUNNEL
                                                            
A flashlight beam lights the oxygen tanks. Bill walks
hunched over to the tanks. He turns the knob on the top.
SSSSSSSSS. He places an oxygen mask over his face.
                                                            
Bill HEARS the last scoop of dirt dropped onto his new, dark
world.
                                                            
A repetitive BAM! BAM! BAM!
                                                            
Dirt showers down from the ceiling.
                                                            
OUTSIDE THE GRAVE
                                                            
A backhoe pounds the dirt.
                                                            
The crowd heads to their cars.
                                                            
Drake studies the steel fence and surveillance cameras. The
backhoe pounds the last dirt into Bill's grave.
                                                            
A gardener parks a lawnmower close to the back of the block
statue and walks away.
                                                            
 
INT. GOLF CLUBHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill's family members and friends eat and drink in the plush
surroundings. Clubhouse Employee delivers drinks to a table
occupied by Fat Man and Elderly Lady.
                                                            
                       CLUBHOUSE EMPLOYEE
Course is in great shape, isn't
it?
                                                            
                       FAT MAN
It will be now that Bill's gone.
                                                            
BILL'S KIDS' TABLE
                                                            
Vicky, Barbara, Gordon, and the grandkids sit sullenly.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We gotta contest the will.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Can't. Dad made it bulletproof.
                                                            
BILL'S BUSINESS FRIENDS' TABLE
                                                            
Bill's C.P.A., doctor, investment broker, and attorney swig
from tumblers glassy-eyed.
                                                            

57.

                       LES
I could've had his kids set for
life, if he didn't bury it.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
He didn't want them spoiled.
                                                            
They look over at Bill's melancholy kids and grandkids.
                                                            
                       JIM
They don't look so bad.
                                                            
Jim downs his drink and passes out. His head HITS the
table. The ice cubes in the tumbler roll onto the
tablecloth.
                                                            
BILL'S FRIENDS' TABLE
                                                            
Father Johnson, Red Cross representative CASSANDRA, (50),
charming, and others enjoy salads and club sandwiches.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
The Lord would've wanted the
church to have his money.
                                                            
                       CASSANDRA
Or a charity.
                                                            
                       FATHER JOHNSON
Where he's going it'll all burn
anyway. How are we going to make
up for what he put in the
collection every week?
                                                            
BILL'S KIDS' TABLE
                                                            
The kids and grandkids scan the crowd.
                                                            
                       VICKY
How long before one of them tries
to dig up our dough?
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, there's guards.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Seriously? Those clowns?
                                                            
                       GORDON
Why don't we have a little
treasure hunt before they do?
                                                            

58.

                       DAMIAN
Yeah, a treasure hunt!
                                                            
Barbara covers Damian's mouth. People look over.
                                                            
BILL'S BUSINESS FRIENDS' TABLE
                                                            
Doctor Wilson pours water over Jim who comes to.
                                                            
                       LES
That money would help stimulate
the economy. Doc, you've been
wanting to buy another beachfront
mansion.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
Who hasn't.
                                                            
                       LES
Jim, you've been wanting to open
more offices.
                                                            
                       JIM
That's stealing.
                                                            
Jim passes out. His head HITS the table. Ice tumbles out
of his glass.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
I'm a doctor. I've got a license
to steal.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
                                                            
Tree limbs sway and groan in the moonlight. A flashlight
beam plays on the grass. In formal attire, Gordon, Drake,
and Mitch carry a shovel and a cooler. They eat bags of
potato chips as they pass tombstones.
                                                            
                       MITCH
Why don't we just pay someone to
do this?
                                                            
                       DRAKE
First of all, it's illegal.
                                                            
                       GORDON
And thanks to Grandpa, we don't
have any money.
                                                            

59.

TUNNEL
                                                            
Bill rests on an air mattress, snuggled under blankets. He
beams the flashlight on his watch.
                                                            
Bill walks hunched over through the tunnel. He gets to the
end and turns a handle on a ceiling door. The door opens.
                                                            
Bill moves a step stool under the door and climbs through
into the base of the block statue.
                                                            
ABOVE GROUND
                                                            
Gordon, Drake, and Mitch spot the guard shack on the
hillside.
                                                            
The three struggle, but eventually climb over the fence
surrounding Bill's grounds.
                                                            
INSIDE THE BLOCK STATUE
                                                            
Bill steadies the flashlight beam on another door handle.
The flashlight flickers and goes out. Complete darkness.
                                                            
                       BILL
No!
                                                            
Bill fumbles for his cell phone. He uses the light from the
cell phone.
                                                            
ABOVE GROUND
                                                            
Gordon, Drake, and Mitch surround Bill's grave. Gordon
hands the shovel to Drake who promptly hands it to Mitch.
                                                            
                       MITCH
Now what?
                                                            
                       DRAKE
You dig.
                                                            
Gordon and Drake eat chips and drink soda. Mitch digs
twice, wipes his brow with his shirt sleeve, and tosses the
shovel aside. He joins Gordon and Drake.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE - NIGHT
                                                            
Kathy watches Gordon, Drake, and Mitch on a TV monitor.
                                                            
                       KATHY
At this rate, they wouldn't finish
digging their own graves.
                                                            
 

60.

EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT
                                                            
INSIDE THE BLOCK STATUE
                                                            
Bill rams his shoulder into the door. It doesn't budge.
                                                            
                       BILL
What the...?
                                                            
Bill punches numbers on his cell phone. The cell phone
reads: NO SERVICE.
                                                            
                       BILL
Great!
                                                            
Bill lies on his back and kicks at the trap door.
                                                            
ABOVE GROUND
                                                            
Gordon, Drake, and Mitch freeze.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
What was that?
                                                            
A small section of the back of the giant, block statue gets
pushed out slightly before butting up against the lawnmower.
Bill feels around. He touches a lawnmower tire.
                                                            
                       BILL (O.S.)
You've gotta be kidding me!
                                                            
Gordon, Drake, and Mitch freeze.
                                                            
                       MITCH
That was Grandpa.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Couldn't have been.
                                                            
Kevin steps outside the guard shack. Gordon, Drake, and
Mitch see the guard and stay still.
                                                            
Kevin goes back inside the guard shack.
                                                            
                       BILL (O.S.)
I don't believe this!
                                                            
Gordon, Drake, and Mitch get bug-eyed. They scramble for
the fence.
                                                            
 

61.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
A gardener hops on the lawnmower and rides off.
                                                            
Bill exits the statue through the trap door gasping for air.
He's in his old man disguise and filthy. Kevin spots Bill.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
Stop!
                                                            
Bill takes off out the gate. Kevin gives chase, but gives
up after a short distance.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Bill and Kathy watch the tape of Gordon, Drake, and Mitch
trying to dig up Bill's grave.
                                                            
                       BILL
What a bunch of pansies.
                                                            
                       KATHY
The guard can't believe he's
already had to chase someone off
the property.
                                                            
                       BILL
Maybe we won't have any more
intruders.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Dream on. Your kids won't stop
till they get your money.
                                                            
On a monitor, an old car parks behind another old car at the
back gate. ARMED GUARD (20), lazy, enters through the back
gate and heads to the guard shack.
                                                            
                       BILL
Right on time.
                                                            
                       ARMED GUARD
      (On TV)
So is it a kickback gig, or what?
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (On TV)
Pretty much, but I've already
chased off some old, homeless guy.
                                                            
Bill clenches his fists.
                                                            

62.

                       KEVIN
      (On TV)
Probably some bum who's never
worked a day in his life.
                                                            
Veins bulge from Bill's neck.
                                                            
                       ARMED GUARD
      (On TV)
And been sponging off society.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (On TV)
Hopefully, things will cool down
and we can sleep.
                                                            
Bill flips a toggle switch on the control panel.
                                                            
                       BILL
There's not going to be any
sleeping on this job! Is that
clear?
                                                            
The two guards straighten up and look around for the
speaker.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
      (On TV)
Yes!
                                                            
                       ARMED GUARD
      (On TV)
Yes, sir!
                                                            
Bill and Kathy scan the monitors of the kids' and grandkids'
rooms and cars. On the table is a scorecard with the
relatives names. One of the monitors shows Drake, Pilar, and
Vicky.
                                                            
                       KATHY
There's Vicky and her little
darlings.
                                                            
Kathy points a remote at the monitor and the volume gets
louder.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
      (On TV)
I say we rob it right after
sunset!
                                                            
Kathy makes a mark next to Drake's name on the scorecard.
                                                            

63.

                       PILAR
      (On TV)
I say we empty the whole grave.
                                                            
                       VICKY
      (On TV)
You kids better eat something
before you go.
                                                            
Bill grabs the scorecard and makes several marks.
                                                            
 
EXT. BILL'S GRAVE - DAY
                                                            
Workers place ample barbed wire on top of Bill's fence.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
The sun is low. A sign on the entrance gates reads:
CEMETERY CLOSES AT SUNSET. A man in a bulging trench coat
walks through the gates. Linda drives through the gates.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
Across the street, Les, Jim, and Dr. Wilson use binoculars
to stake out the cemetery.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
That Cecil guy should be locking
up pretty soon.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Several occupied cars are parked near the cemetery entrance.
                                                            
A car pulls to the curb. A man gets out, opens the trunk,
and checks to see if anyone is looking. He takes out a
shovel and tosses it over the cemetery fence into some
bushes. The man gets back into his car.
                                                            
 
INT. LINDA'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Linda drives along a winding, narrow road surrounded by
graves. Large trees cast long shadows.
                                                            
The car slows as it approaches the gate to Bill's gravesite.
Linda sees Kevin in the guard shack.
                                                            
 

64.

EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
Linda exits her car wearing a low-cut, leopard mini skirt.
She takes a shovel out of the trunk, tosses it into some
bushes, and hops back into her car.
                                                            
Linda pulls up to Bill's gate and gets out. Kevin exits the
guard shack. Linda approaches with a pitcher of lemonade
and a glass of ice.
                                                            
                       KEVIN
The cemetery's going to be closing
soon.
                                                            
                       LINDA
I was hoping to leave my daddy an
ice-cold glass of lemonade.
                                                            
Kevin unlocks the gate. Linda hands him the pitcher of
lemonade as she runway walks in. She seductively rubs the
glass of ice all over her body. Kevin follows her.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Daddy always liked to sit on the
front porch and enjoy an ice-cold
glass of lemonade after a
long...hot...steamy day.
                                                            
Kevin wipes drool off his chin.
                                                            
They stand on Bill's grave. Linda moves in close to Kevin
and bats her long eyelashes.
                                                            
She holds the glass of ice against her abdomen with one
hand, and helps him slowly pour the pitcher of lemonade with
the other.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Oh, yes! Keep going!
                                                            
Kevin sees that the glass is about to overflow. He tilts
the pitcher back.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Don't stop!
                                                            
Kevin pours more lemonade. The lemonade overflows down her
dress and legs, and onto Bill's grave.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Drink up, Daddy.
                                                            

65.

Kevin can't take his eyes off of her. Linda secretly
empties a packet of powder into the glass.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Oh, that's so good!
                                                            
Kevin's tongue dangles from his mouth. She exchanges the
glass for the pitcher. She chugs the pitcher and lets it
cascade all over her body.
                                                            
She tosses the empty pitcher onto Bill's grave.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Help yourself.
                                                            
He stares dazedly as she struts off. He downs the lemonade
and heads toward the guard shack.
                                                            
Kevin closes his eyes and holds his head. He drops the
glass. He stumbles into the guard shack and flops onto his
chair.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Les, Jim, and Dr. Wilson stake out the cemetery. Linda
drives out the gates.
                                                            
                       JIM
Hey, is that that Cecil guy?
                                                            
Linda pulls to the curb. She pulls off her dress. Les,
Jim, and Dr. Wilson lean forward bug-eyed.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
That ain't that Cecil guy.
                                                            
Linda gets out wearing cut off blue jean shorts and a tight
t-shirt. She hustles back in through the cemetery gates.
                                                            
                       LES
She was at the funeral.
                                                            
INTERCUT - WAREHOUSE OFFICE/CEMETERY/CAR
                                                            
Bill studies the monitors. He sees his gate is open.
                                                            
                       BILL
Why is the gate open?
                                                            
Bill sees Kevin slouched over. He flips a toggle switch.
                                                            

66.

                       BILL
Wake up!
                                                            
Kevin remains still.
                                                            
                       BILL
I'm going down there. Call Cecil.
                                                            
Kathy punches numbers on her cell phone.
                                                            
Fr. Johnson and Cassandra hustle into the cemetery.
                                                            
                       JIM
That's the priest!
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
What's going on?
                                                            
Kathy closes her cell phone.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Darn it!
                                                            
Linda peers into the guard shack. She sees Kevin is passed
out. She heads off to Bill's grave with a shovel.
                                                            
A car exits the cemetery and stops. Cecil gets out.
                                                            
                       JIM
That's that Cecil guy.
                                                            
Cecil locks the cemetery gates. He drives off.
                                                            
A MAN with a shovel gets out of his car. He tosses the
shovel over the fence and hops over in one motion.
                                                            
                       LES
What's he doing?
                                                            
Two people with shovels get out of a van and hop over the
gates. Les, Jim, and Dr. Wilson watch as more people exit
their vehicles with shovels and hop over the fence.
                                                            
                       LES
Same thing we are.
                                                            
                       JIM
Jailbreak!
                                                            
Les, Jim, and Dr. Wilson race from their car with shovels.
They throw their shovels over the perimeter fence and hop
over. They trail the rest of the mob toward Bill's grave.
                                                            

67.

BACK GATE ENTRANCE
                                                            
Three cars' headlights go out as they pull forward to the
gate. A large silhouette gets out of one of the cars and
uses bolt cutters to cut the chain.
                                                            
INSIDE CEMETERY
                                                            
Les, Jim, and Dr. Wilson try to catch up to the others.
                                                            
                       JIM
Halt! Police!
                                                            
Everyone freezes. Les, Jim, and Dr. Wilson catch up GASPING
for air.
                                                            
                       JIM
I did Bill's taxes. There's
plenty of money to go around.
                                                            
                       LES
I'll vouch for that. I was his
stockbroker.
                                                            
GRUMBLING amongst the people.
                                                            
                       JIM
Can you each live off fifty
million?
                                                            
Father Johnson and Cassandra sneak up on the guard shack.
Father Johnson pulls out a bottle and cloth. He pours the
entire contents of the bottle onto the cloth.
                                                            
Father Johnson makes the sign of the cross. He creeps up
behind Kevin and quickly clasps the cloth tightly over
Kevin's face.
                                                            
Linda digs at Bill's grave. She hears a SOUND and hides
behind a tree. Father Johnson and Cassandra approach.
                                                            
BACK CEMETERY GATE
                                                            
Next to the three blacked out cars, Gordon watches Drake
insert a large hypodermic needle into the top of a bottle.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
How much sleepy juice do I give
him?
                                                            
                       GORDON
As much as you want.
                                                            

68.

Vicky, Barbara, and their kids watch from their cars. Drake
pulls the needle from the bottle.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Now squirt some out.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Why?
                                                            
                       GORDON
'Cause that's what doctors do.
                                                            
Drake squirts some out.
                                                            
INSIDE CEMETERY
                                                            
Gordon and Drake sneak up on the guard shack. Gordon puts
Kevin in a Full Nelson headlock while Drake stabs Kevin in
the buttocks with the needle.
                                                            
They HEAR voices and duck behind trees.
                                                            
Les, Jim, Dr. Wilson, and the mob creep up on the gate. Jim
sneaks up on the guard shack with a shovel. He disappears
into the shack. THWACK!
                                                            
Father Johnson and Cassandra HEAR the mob and hide. The mob
appears.
                                                            
                       LES
Get those floodlights over here.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
Who made you boss?
                                                            
One by one, Linda, Father Johnson and the others come out of
their hiding spots.
                                                            
                       CLUBHOUSE EMPLOYEE
      (To Linda)
Why should we let you in on this?
                                                            
                       LINDA
I'm a Realtor. If we get caught I
can lie our way out.
                                                            
From behind a tombstone, a disguised Bill watches Ken wand a
metal detector over his grave. He punches numbers on his
cell phone.
                                                            
                       911 OPERATOR (V.O.)
Nine, One, One. What's your
emergency?
                                                            

69.

                       BILL
Someone's robbing my...a grave.
                                                            
                       CLUBHOUSE EMPLOYEE
What about you guys?
                                                            
                       DRAKE
He's my Grandpa.
                                                            
                       GORDON
He's my Dad. I'll rob him if I
want to.
                                                            
                       LINDA
Looks like we're all in.
                                                            
They go back to digging.
                                                            
                       KEN
I'm not showing any gold.
                                                            
                       GORDON
It's there. We all saw him get
buried with it.
                                                            
                       DOCTOR WILSON
Unless some lowlife beat us to it.
                                                            
                       BILL
      (On his cell phone)
Tell them to hurry.
                                                            
Damian sees a button on Bill's tombstone. He pushes the
button. Bill's voice is HEARD through a tombstone speaker.
                                                            
                       BILL (V.O.)
This is Dad from Heaven. I'm
doing fine...as if you care.
                                                            
Everyone stops and stares at the grave.
                                                            
                       BILL (V.O.)
Don't even think about robbing me.
I've got tight security all
around.
                                                            
They LAUGH.
                                                            
                       BILL (V.O.)
Please! Get jobs, save your
money, and eat right. I'm--
                                                            
Gordon pushes a button on the tombstone.
                                                            

70.

                       GORDON
That's enough of that.
                                                            
Police cars SCREECH to a halt. Police officers spring from
the cars with guns pointed at the grave robbers. A police
helicopter HOVERS overhead with a bright light on the grave
robbers. POLICE OFFICER, 40, athletic, uses a bull horn.
                                                            
                       POLICE OFFICER
Get your hands up!
                                                            
The grave robbers scatter. Bill sneaks over to the block
statue, crawls in, and closes the trap door.
                                                            
 
EXT. CEMETERY - DAY
                                                            
Kathy and Cecil watch as police comb the giant hole. Bill's
open, empty casket is on the grass.
                                                            
A few bills blow over to Cecil. He looks around, then
shoves them into his pocket.
                                                            
ASSISTANT POLICE DETECTIVE (30), eager, pops his head up.
                                                            
                       ASSISTANT POLICE DETECTIVE
Got a tunnel!
                                                            
POLICE DETECTIVE (50), competent, picks up a gold bar.
                                                            
                       POLICE DETECTIVE
See where it goes!
                                                            
He SMASHES the gold bar against other gold bars. The bar
cracks open revealing it is a brick.
                                                            
                       POLICE DETECTIVE
You helped him plan this, didn't
you?
                                                            
                       KATHY
Why would I--
                                                            
                       POLICE DETECTIVE
Tax evasion.
                                                            
                       KATHY
I wouldn't do--
                                                            
                       POLICE DETECTIVE
Maybe you wanted to steal his
money.
                                                            

71.

                       KATHY
I'm the only one who didn't try to
steal his money.
                                                            
Assistant Police Detective pops up from the block statue.
                                                            
                       ASSISTANT POLICE DETECTIVE
Got a trap door!
                                                            
Police Detective reaches back and removes handcuffs from his
waistband.
                                                            
                       POLICE DETECTIVE
Hands behind your back.
                                                            
                       BILL (O.S.)
I'm the one you want.
                                                            
Bill strides over wearing his disguise.
                                                            
 
INT. WAREHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
Police officers flip through files and scour the premises.
                                                            
CONTROL ROOM
                                                            
Police Detective enters with other detectives. They are
surprised by all the TV monitors.
                                                            
OUTSIDE CONTROL ROOM
                                                            
Police use crow bars to break open the thick door on the
brick room. They are amazed to find pallets stacked with
gold bars and currency.
                                                            
Police Detective scrutinizes a bill.
                                                            
He SMASHES a gold bar against other gold bars. It stays
intact.
                                                            
 
INT. JAIL - DAY
                                                            
Bill's kids and grandkids stare at disgusting trays of food.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Tell the policeman we want Burger
King.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Just eat a little of your
potatoes.
                                                            

72.

Mildred uses her finger to taste-test her mashed potatoes.
She makes an ugly face.
                                                            
Bill is escorted past several cells which contain his kids,
grandkids, and all the other people who tried to rob his
grave.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Grandpa?
                                                            
The inmates spring to the front of their cells.
                                                            
                       VICKY
What?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
How?
                                                            
                       PILAR
Are we back in your will?
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Just die already?
                                                            
                       GORDON
I'm gonna sue you for pain and
suffering.
                                                            
                       DAMIAN
Hi Grandpa! How was Heaven?
                                                            
Officers put Bill in a cell, lock the door, and leave.
                                                            
                       GORDON
Explain.
                                                            
                       BILL
Nice to see all of you, too.
                                                            
Bill drifts around his new surroundings.
                                                            
                       BILL
I wanted you to be able to survive
on your own after I was gone, so I
faked my death.
                                                            
                       GORDON
How would that make us better?
                                                            
                       MITCH
We're fine the way we are.
                                                            

73.

                       BILL
If you couldn't have my money,
you'd have to earn your own money.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Like a little dirt would stop us?
                                                            
 
INT. COURTHOUSE - DAY
                                                            
JUDGE MARTHA MAUER (45), black, compassionate, watches from
the bench. Bill sits in the witness chair. The prosecutor,
JEFF ROBINSON (35), assertive, stands before Bill.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAUER
Damn money is always messing up
people. You didn't teach them,
did you?
                                                            
                       BILL
No, your honor.
                                                            
Bill takes a sip of his bottled water.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAUER
I have brats come through here all
the time. Their parents never
disciplined them.
                                                            
Bill stares at his water bottle.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAUER
You need to show them how lucky
they've had it.
                                                            
Bill perks up. He snatches a legal pad off Judge Mauer's
desk. The bailiff springs from his chair, but is waved off
by Judge Mauer.
                                                            
                       JEFF ROBINSON
Your honor, he invaded their
privacy with hidden cameras and
microphones.
                                                            
Bill motions that he needs a writing utensil. The judge
hands Bill a pen. Bill scribbles on the legal pad.
                                                            
                       BILL
That was to send them helpful,
subliminal messages while they
slept.
                                                            

74.

Bill places the pen on top of the legal pad and hands them
back to Judge Mauer who reads the note.
                                                            
                       BILL
It was a last resort to get them
to change.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAUER
May I see both attorneys at my
bench.
                                                            
Jeff Robinson and the defense attorney approach the bench.
The judge and the two attorneys whisper to each other.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Bill, his kids, and grandkids stand in front of Judge Mauer
at her bench.
                                                            
                       JUDGE MAUER
Your funds will be kept frozen to
ensure your children and
grandchildren are working in
Haiti. The funds will only be
released to pay their wages as
they are earned. If they don't
work, they'll be sent to prison.
                                                            
 
EXT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
A huge moving truck is parked in front. A real estate sign
with "SOLD" on top is on the front lawn. Several movers use
dollies to move furniture and boxes from the house.
                                                            
A mover carries a Coca-Cola lamp out of the house. Vicky
and Bill follow close behind.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Not my Coca-Cola lamp!
                                                            
                       BILL
There's not going to be enough
room in your apartment.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Apartment? What will my friends
think?
                                                            
                       BILL
You don't have any friends.
                                                            
 

75.

INT. VICKY'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Vicky, Drake, and Pilar wind through the house dodging
movers.
                                                            
                       BILL
All you need are your family
photos. Nothing else matters.
                                                            
BASEMENT
                                                            
Bill looks at hundreds of never-opened boxes of TV
advertised items.
                                                            
                       BILL
What are you doing with all this
junk!
                                                            
                       VICKY
We were just about to use them.
                                                            
The movers enter with dollies.
                                                            
                       BILL
All of it to Haiti.
                                                            
The movers scoop up boxes.
                                                            
                       MITCH
Where's Haiti?
                                                            
Vicky has a phone to her ear.
                                                            
                       VICKY
Get me the Haiti Ritz-Carlton.
                                                            
 
EXT. BARBARA'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
A large moving truck is parked in front. A real estate sign
marked "SOLD" is on the front lawn. Barbara, Mitch,
Mildred, and Damian observe movers hauling boxes up a ramp
and into the truck.
                                                            
 
EXT. GORDON'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Bill laughs when he sees Gordon run out shirtless exposing
his large, jelly belly. Behind him are three movers pushing
dollies each with a beautiful girl on top. The girls smile
and flirt with the movers.
                                                            
 

76.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Bill and his relatives, and Kathy and her relatives sit at
the same table where Bill refused to pay the check. Several
waiters and waitresses stand at attention near the room
entrance.
                                                            
                       BILL
You're going to share a healthy
meal with the person next to you.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Eat everything on your plate.
                                                            
Vicky leans over to Barbara.
                                                            
                       VICKY
The little homewrecker.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Where are the menus?
                                                            
                       KATHY
Your food's been ordered for you,
and there's no dessert.
                                                            
                       BILL
You're going to be polite to the
waiters and waitresses.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Say please and thank you.
                                                            
Barbara gestures to Kathy's relatives.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What are they doing here?
                                                            
                       KATHY
They're examples. Watch how they
act.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
So if we say please and thank you,
you'll let us back in your will?
                                                            
                       BILL
No.
                                                            
                       VICKY
I'm out of here.
                                                            
She stands up.
                                                            

77.

                       BILL
Sit down!
                                                            
Vicky sits down.
                                                            
Bill sees Damian getting restless in his seat.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't let him run around.
                                                            
Barbara whispers to Damian who calms down.
                                                            
                       GORDON
We don't know anything about water
filtration systems.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Or how to grow crops.
                                                            
                       KATHY
We'll learn.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, why are we even doing
this?
                                                            
                       BILL
Wouldn't you want help if a major
earthquake affected you?
                                                            
 
INT. HAITI AIRPORT - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Kathy, and all the relatives pull numerous boxes and
pieces of luggage off the moving baggage carousel. They're
well-dressed compared to everyone around them.
                                                            
                       BILL
Get ahold of Peter Navarro of
Northwest Bank and see if we can
get some kind of banking system
down here so we can do money
transfers.
                                                            
Kathy writes on a notepad. Bill sees his relatives'
disturbed looks as they watch the Haitian people. Drake
sees a sign that reads: WELCOME TO HAITI.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Even the name says hell.
                                                            

78.

                       BILL
You'll see a lot of things you've
never seen before, but they need
our help.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
How long are we going to be here?
                                                            
                       BILL
As long as it takes.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
How many stars does our hotel
have?
                                                            
Bill and Kathy snicker.
                                                            
 
INT. TAXI VAN - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Kathy, and the relatives occupy two vans. The
relatives bounce around as they look out the dirty windows
at the world they've been thrown into.
                                                            
The relatives see women walking on the dusty, potholed road
balancing ceramic pots of water and sacks of grain on their
heads.
                                                            
Drake points at an old, dilapidated skiff.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
That must be the Haitian Donald
Trump's yacht.
                                                            
The relatives observe ladies washing clothes in the filthy
gutter.
                                                            
                       VICKY
What are they doing?
                                                            
                       DAMIAN
They're dirtying their clothes.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Are they actually gonna wear
those?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
This isn't happening.
                                                            
                       BILL
Not everyone got to grow up in
Newport Beach.
                                                            

79.

Bill sees a girl resembling Malika walking along the side of
the road. As his taxi van passes, he sees that it's someone
else.
                                                            
 
EXT. TENT CITY - DAY
                                                            
The vans pull up to the tent city. Several CURIOUS PEOPLE
race up to the vans. The younger grandkids are frightened
by the needy Haitians.
                                                            
Drake gets out and drinks from a water bottle. The Haitians
lick their lips as they watch Drake drink.
                                                            
Drake pours some of the water over his head. The Haitians
race up to Drake and cup their hands to catch the water
cascading off him. They cradle the water to their lips, then
SLURP up the precious drops.
                                                            
                       BILL
Don't drink water in front of
them. It's a luxury.
                                                            
                       DRAKE
Water's a luxury?
                                                            
Drake tosses a donut on the ground. Several Haitians dive
for the donut. The relatives are stunned.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Give 'em all your food.
                                                            
Kathy gets out of the van and grabs donuts and cookies from
the relatives. She hands them out to the Haitians who feed
their faces.
                                                            
Kathy pulls Bill aside.
                                                            
                       KATHY
We gotta make 'em quit cold
turkey.
                                                            
Bill helps Kathy hand out the junk food.
                                                            
                       BILL
Your days as slobs are over!
                                                            
                       GORDON
I'm going back to the states.
                                                            
                       BILL
How? You came on a one way
ticket.
                                                            

80.

                       KATHY
The judge will only release funds
if you work.
                                                            
The family is dejected.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
      (To her kids)
We'll get more donuts at the
store.
                                                            
Bill and Kathy snicker.
                                                            
Vicky cautiously gets out of the taxi and is immediately
hugged by a Haitian woman. An uncomfortable Vicky extends
her arms beyond the woman towards the van.
                                                            
Barbara leans out a window and squirts hand sanitizer on
Vicky's hands. Vicky rubs the hand sanitizer on her hands.
The Haitian woman is oblivious.
                                                            
Several Haitians walk alongside Bill and Kathy.
                                                            
                       BILL
Where's Brian? Do you know Brian?
                                                            
He puts his hand in the air to show Brian's height. A light
bulb goes on in PASSERBY (30).
                                                            
                       PASSERBY
Yes, Brian this way.
                                                            
Passerby leads Bill and Kathy. Bill looks over at the area
where he first saw Malika.
                                                            
Bill spots Brian tending to a little boy's wound.
                                                            
                       BILL
Brian!
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Bill!
                                                            
                       BILL
I brought my family and some
supplies with me.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Let's see what you got.
                                                            
Bill, Kathy, and Brian walk toward the taxi vans.
                                                            

81.

                       BILL
Is it okay if we camp here?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Of course! We're glad you're
here.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Don't tell any of Bill's kids or
grandkids.
                                                            
                       BILL
We wanna toughen 'em up.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Unspoil them.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
This is the place.
                                                            
                       BILL
Have you seen Malika?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
She vanished right after you left.
I looked all over for her.
                                                            
The cab drivers unload the last of the luggage. Bill pays
them, and they leave with big smiles.
                                                            
The relatives are surrounded by all the luggage. They
observe the sea of shoddy tents and people. People smile at
them. Some cook over open fires.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, what are they eating?
                                                            
                       MITCH
Nothing I wanna touch.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It's a vegetable stew. It's good.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Vegetables?
                                                            
                       BILL
This is Brian. We're going to be
working with him.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Hi, everyone!
                                                            

82.

The kids and grandkids stare at Brian's ragged clothes.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Is anyone hungry?
                                                            
                       MITCH
No, thanks. We're gonna eat at
McDonald's.
                                                            
Bill, Kathy, and Brian chuckle. Bill opens a suitcase
loaded with bandages, ointments, and other supplies. Brian
thumbs through the supplies.
                                                            
                       BILL
We've got a lot more coming.
                                                            
                       VICKY
What do we do for showers?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Jump in the ocean.
                                                            
Bill and Kathy smile.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
I'm not walking three miles.
                                                            
                       BILL
Then go ahead and stink.
                                                            
Bill pulls out a large tent box from the pile of luggage.
                                                            
                       BILL
Okay, pull out all the tent boxes
and let's get 'em set up.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
This is where we're staying?
                                                            
                       DRAKE
This is how we're living?
                                                            
                       PILAR
With these people?
                                                            
                       BILL
We'll build better places later,
but for now, this is what we got.
                                                            
                       VICKY
You've gotta be kidding, Dad!
                                                            

83.

Curious onlookers watch as Bill and the gang open the tent
boxes. Vicky breaks a nail trying to open a box.
                                                            
                       VICKY
That's it! I'm done!
                                                            
                       BILL
Keep going! The sooner we get set
up, the better off we'll be.
                                                            
Kathy lays out the tents. She hands Gordon a hammer. Gordon
looks at the hammer from every angle like he's never seen
one.
                                                            
Kathy demonstrates by hammering a corner stake into the
ground. Gordon tries to hammer a corner stake, but
repeatedly misses and SMASHES his thumb.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Gordon finally gets his tent set up. He flirts with passing
women next to his new tent. A man gets up in Gordon's face.
The man walks off with the women.
                                                            
                       BILL
Let's get these supplies over to
the hospital.
                                                            
Bill and Kathy each lift a box. The others hesitate.
                                                            
                       BILL
Let's go! People are dying!
                                                            
The kids and grandkids each lift a box. Drake takes the
smallest box. They head out.
                                                            
HOSPITAL TENT
                                                            
The giant tent overflows with occupied cots. Nurses tend to
bedridden patients, including Johanne. Her parents,
Emmanuel and Bronte look on.
                                                            
Brian is surrounded by Bill, Kathy, and the relatives near a
patient.
                                                            
                       BILL
Brian's gonna show us some basic
techniques like cleaning wounds
and applying bandages, so the
nurses can be freed up to do
bigger jobs.
                                                            

84.

                       BRIAN
We wanna stay sterile so use a lot
of soap, gloves, and hand
sanitizer.
                                                            
Bill sees a weak PATIENT needing help to sit up in bed.
                                                            
                       BILL
Go help that lady.
                                                            
Pilar hesitates.
                                                            
                       BILL
Actually, she needs your help.
                                                            
He hands Pilar a bottle of water. Pilar cautiously heads
towards the lady. She helps the lady sit up. Pilar hands
her the bottle of water. The lady smiles at Pilar who
smiles back.
                                                            
Bill gives a bottle of water to Mildred and points at
ANOTHER PATIENT. Mildred takes the water over to the
patient. The patient lights up.
                                                            
 
EXT. PORT-AU-PRINCE HARBOR - DAY
                                                            
Bill, Brian, and the relatives watch as cranes lower pallets
of boxes. Forklifts maneuver the pallets into waiting
trucks.
                                                            
Bill and Brian inspect the contents of one box which
contains water filtration systems.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
They're perfect!
                                                            
                       PILAR
We actually get to take freshwater
showers!
                                                            
                       BILL
These are for the neighboring
villages.
                                                            
                       VICKY
What!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Come on, Dad!
                                                            

85.

                       BILL
If you want one, pay for it out of
your own paycheck.
                                                            
GRUMBLING.
                                                            
                       BILL
And you'll have to share it with
the Haitians.
                                                            
 
EXT. TENT CITY - DAY
                                                            
The trucks arrive at Bill's camp. The relatives and
Haitians, including Emmanuel, surround the trucks. Bill
hops out and signals to a trucker.
                                                            
                       BILL
This one's for here.
                                                            
                       GORDON
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       BILL
Playing Santa.
                                                            
The trucker opens the back of the truck. Emmanuel is
bug-eyed. It's loaded with all the items from Vicky's,
Barbara's, and Gordon's houses.
                                                            
The relatives watch in horror as Bill, Kathy, Brian, and the
truckers hand out their items to the Haitians.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Have fun with that.
                                                            
                       KATHY
Here you go.
                                                            
                       MILDRED
Those are our Snuggie blankets!
                                                            
Bill hands two Snuggie blanket boxes to a lady.
                                                            
                       BILL
Because you ordered so quickly, we
doubled your order!
                                                            
The Haitian people grin as they receive the boxes. More
Haitians line up to receive the goods.
                                                            
                       PILAR
Actually, that was our stuff.
                                                            

86.

                       BILL
Was being the key word. You
weren't using them and you don't
need them.
                                                            
Bill spots Drake sneaking a couple boxes off the truck and
into his tent.
                                                            
                       BILL
Who's going to help us hand stuff
out in the next village?
                                                            
Damian finally walks up to Bill. Bill takes his tiny hand
as they stroll toward the truck.
                                                            
                       BILL
Okay, but you can't flip off the
natives.
                                                            
Barbara follows to be with her son. They hop in the lead
truck. Other trucks follow. Drake watches Gordon, Vicky,
Mitch, and Mildred run to catch the last trucks. They hop
in and the trucks head down the dusty, potholed road.
                                                            
 
EXT. VILLAGE - DAY
                                                            
The trucks roll into the village. Bill, Kathy, Brian, and
the relatives get out. Curious, ecstatic onlookers appear
from everywhere.
                                                            
The drivers unload the boxes. Bill and Kathy join in. Bill
nudges Gordon to join in a human chain to unload the boxes.
At first, he's reluctant. Gordon and the relatives join in.
                                                            
The Haitians grin as they receive water, food, and blankets.
                                                            
                       PILAR
All this because of some supplies?
                                                            
                       BILL
Others aren't as lucky as us.
                                                            
The smiles become contagious and find their way onto the
faces of the kids and grandkids.
                                                            
The relatives hug the Haitians, then hop into the trucks.
They wave out the windows as the trucks kick up dust.
                                                            
The trucks stop at a central water well. People greet the
trucks ecstatically. Bill does a double take and stares at
a girl that looks a lot like Malika.
                                                            

87.

Brian demonstrates to the villagers how a water filtration
system works.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Bill and the others hop back into their trucks and wave
goodbye to the villagers.
           &nbs