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by Trevor Dayz (salytex@yahoo.com)
Rated: 
Genre: Comedy
User Review: NOT YET
RATED
A Playwright about the adventures of a Middle aged man... made for speech, the NFL.
This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.
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THE ADVENTURES OF TED LEBINZKIE: A SHARP
ENCOUNTER
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EXT. DINGY - EVENING |
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GAGA
(Screaming
Vigorously)
WHat in the name of Mother Teresa
Just happened? |
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BOB BARKER IS SLEEPING IN THEIR LAPS, TED IS SCARED |
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TED
(Concerned)
I don't know, last thing I
remembered was getting a bottle of
Ole # 7 and taking off m... oh
wait...The cruise liner crashed
into an Unkown object, scraping
the hull. |
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GAGA
(Angry, Screaming)
Wait, The cruise liner
craaaaashed? Man I thought we were
on the right track baby, because I
paid that way |
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TED
Well now is A good chance to get
to know each other, seeing as we
are the only survivors. |
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GAGA
(Still freaking)
Wait.... we are the only
survivors? there were over 100
dingies |
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TED
Were... until you filled 98 of
them with your clothing and bit a
mans ear off when he tried to
enter it... |
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GAGA
(Realizes she
doesnt have her
cloths)
... WHERES MY MEAT PURSE??? WHERES
MY GLOBE COSTUME???... wait, what
(MORE)
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2.
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GAGA (cont'd)
happened to the 99th dingy |
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TED
Your uhm... well I dont know how
to say it, you kinda landed on
your |
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TED
Your pointy breasts... poked a
whole in it, so you took the last
one, your heels almost poked out
this old mans eye |
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GAGA JUST NOW NOTICES THE OLD MAN ON HER LAP... |
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GAGA
(Angry)
MY pointy what? (looks at her
breasts)these are not pointy these
are r... did you say old man...
(looks down at Bob Barker)
(Screams loudly lifting her knees
and punching Bob Barker) |
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BOB B
A little lower honey... ah yeah
the Price is RIGHT! |
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GAGA
(Screams loudly)
Wait, price is right... are you
Bob Barker? |
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BOB B
No need for yelling Girl, and yes
I am, behind Curtin No.1 is BOB
BARKER!!! your win a free 90 year
old prostitu... I mean retired
game show host! |
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TED
(Estatic)
BOB BARKER!!! I've heard of you
before... wern't you named after a
whale wars ship? |
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BOB B
No... I am so Old it was named
after me! |
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3.
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GAGA
I'm allergic to OLD Farts YOU HAVE
BEEN VOTED OFF THE ISLAND!
(pushes Bob off the Boat) |
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BOB FALLS INTO THE CHILLING ALASKAN WATER. TED GRABS HIM |
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BOB B
(Scared, ill)
Don't let go |
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TED
I'll never let go Jack! |
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TED
I'll never let go Bo... this looks
kind of flaming, Gaga hold him
while I get a floatie, he's
probably freezing |
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BOB PEES HIMSELF |
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BOB B
Well, except for my left leg... I
got a nice source of heat on that
side (winks at Gaga) |
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TED
Just hold him... I'm hoping there
is a new car behind this door |
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GAGA
I'll never let go Jack |
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GAGA GRABS BOB |
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BOB B
F@%! my name is BO... |
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GAGA LETS GO OF BOB |
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BOB B
NO wait, I never finished my final
season of Price is ri... |
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BOB GOES UNDERWATER |
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4.
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TED
Bob? GAGA you let go of BOB, you
fool we needed him for his old
person Jokes |
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GAGA
I'm Just a Holy FOOL...
And at the End of the Day I really
dont give a FUNK |
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TED
SO you give a Pop! get it Because
you don't make funk music you make
pop... it's a punch line... your
not laughing |
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BOB SURFACES ONE LAST TIME |
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BOB B
Spade and Nueter all of the dogs
and cats (drowns) |
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TED
Gosh this is terrible |
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GAGA
Not as terrible as the smell of My
meet heels |
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TED
The smell of the meat or the
fashion |
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GAGA
(Slaps Ted)
These will be the new style |
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TED
And I'm Barry Manilow |
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GAGA
D'aw you should of seen Bob BArker
before he died |
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BOTH STAND UP ON DINGY |
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Gaga takes off fake earings and her meat heels |
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5.
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GAGA
You can't just go around accusing
people you have to interview
everyone on the Dingy first |
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GAGA
So your saying I killed him |
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TED
No I am saying Wilson Killed him,
Of course its you |
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GAGA
Don't you bring Wilson into this,
he is helpless and defenseless and
will float away in the last hour
of the movie, And how do you know
you didn't do it? |
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TED
Well gee... I never thought of it
that way. Enough of your mind
tricks, you killed Bob because you
let go of him |
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GAGA
There wasn't any Bob on this
Dingy... just Me you and Jack |
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TED
Uuuuugh... thats it get off the
dingy. Or i'll make you get off
the dingy |
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GAGA
You wouldn't hit a girl |
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GAGA AND TED GET INTO A FIGHT SCENE GAGA WINS AND TED STARTS |
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TO FALL OFF OF THE DINGY WHEN NARTHANIEL'S HORN POKES HIM IN |
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THE BUTT AND HE LUNGES FORWARD INTO GAGA |
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TED
Ow man those things are daggers.
Wait, why am I still in the
boat... AH NARWHAL |
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6.
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NARTHANIEL
WHAT WHAT WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? |
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GAGA
I knew animals could talk, they
called me crazy, oh yes they
did... but I showed them, I sure
did! |
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NARTHANIEL
Nah your crazy, Narwhals have
always been able to talk, just
choose not to. |
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NARTHANIEL
I am Narthaniel, the king of
Narwhalia... the place you guys
destroyed with your butt |
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TED
That's not true, her breasts may
have blinded the captain, poked a
hole in a dingy and punctured my
flesh, but none of our butts have
destroyed anything. |
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GAGA FARTS |
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GAGA
Whew, I dunno, I kinda just blew
this place up, abandon dingy |
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NARTHANIEL TRIES TO STABB GAGA |
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NARTHANIEL
Lier, I watched a documentery
called finding Nemo, I still can't
believe he touched the butt. But a
butt it is nonetheless |
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TED
No no no, thats a fiction by Pixar |
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NARTHANIEL
Pixar? Pics are what? pics are
true, are good can has
cheeseburger? In any case I demand
you remove your butt from my
kingdom |
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7.
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TED
Our Cruise ship has sunk... it
isn't going anywhere, it has
became one with the sea |
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NARTHANIEL
(ANGRY)
My tooth is about to become one
with your thiegh! |
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TED
That's not a tooth, its a horn |
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GAGA
So your an Underwater Unicorn? |
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TED
No he's like the Jedi of the sea! |
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NARTHANIEL
Nope, believe me I checked, I am
not horny |
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TED
That makes the 2 of us |
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NARTHANIEL
Well I am going to kill you both
if you don't find a way to save
Narwhalia |
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GAGA
AGH don't kill me I still havn't
created a runway show with my new
collection I call "THE GAGAS" |
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TED
I don't think 24 year old everyday
women are going to wear your
clothing its kind of uhm, a crap
on fashion |
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GAGA
UGH, not for women you goobers,
for little babies. Why else would
I name it "THE GAGAS"
I can just see it now, all the
little kiddos wearing meat
dresses, Globe shoes, egg
overalls... I will change the
(MORE)
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8.
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NARTHANIEL
Sounds like something Steve Jobbs
would do |
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TED
Steve Jobbs is dead, but you know
who else is dead Sadam Housane...
Couincidence? I think not
Anyways, sounds like Communism |
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GAGA
No silly, commies want everyone to
be even, that would mean guys
would have to wear it too. I
prefer the term Gagaism! |
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TED
(and GAGA)
Gagaism (noun)prounounced
Gah-gah-is-MHHHHHHH
The theory that all women have as
much rights as me... oh wait wrong
one
The belief that all (fe)males that
want to stand out from each other
is to dress in random scraps of
fabric you find in your local
hobos trash bin, Synonyms- (Gaga
stops talking) Fascism |
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GAGA SLAPS TED |
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TED DUNKS GAGA IN THE WATER FOR A SECOND |
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TED
(and GAGA)
Cannibalism |
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BOTH START KNAWING ON EACH OTHER |
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NARTHANIEL
At this rate, I won't even have to
waste my time impaling you both |
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9.
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GAGA
What, if I told you I had an Idea
to fix your kindom |
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TED
Ugh Gaga can I talk to you for a
minute |
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GAGA
Where would you like us to go?
there's nothing but ocean for
miles |
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TED
Point taken, ugh Narthaniel can
you go underwater for a minute? |
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NARTHANIEL
Alright, but no funny business |
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NARTHANIEL GOES UNDERWATER |
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TED
WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY? what's your
plan huh huh? if its not ingenius
he will stab us with his giant
tooth |
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GAGA
Well if his tooth is the problem,
my Mom used to be an Orthadontist
I bet she can get it back in his
mouth |
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TED
Nevermind that, what is your plan? |
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GAGA
I can't spoil it for you, i'll
wait till Toothy gets back up here |
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TED
His name is Narthaniel, don't
disrespect him, he is the king of
Narwhalia |
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10.
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GAGA
OHHH, I get it now, we crashed
into Narwhalia |
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NARTHANIEL RETURNS BACK UP |
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NARTHANIEL
Well what is the plan? |
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TED
Yes we are all dying to know. |
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GAGA
Alright, you guys ready for this?
Just Dance, it'll be okay |
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TED
Ju-Ju-Ju-Ju-JUJUJUST daaaaaynce |
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NARTHANIEL
That's your big plan? DANCING? man
U humans scare me |
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GAGA
Like I always say, "They don't
scare me, if I scare them first!" |
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NARTHANIEL
Well I guess you nailed me there,
get it haha |
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TED
Let us do the jokes here |
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NARTHANIEL
Hey I CAN SAY WHATEVER I WANT, I
AM THE KING OF NARWHALS |
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TED
Ouch that was sharp (gaga and Ted
start laughing) |
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NARTHANIEL
That's it, you have made me very
angry, it's time for your death |
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11.
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NARTHANIEL STARTS TO STAB AT TED, ATTEMPT TO STAB BALLS |
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TED
hey ow WHOAH, that's one part you
don't stab |
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NARTHANIEL CONTINUES TO STAB AT HIM |
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TED
(grabs gaga)
Watch out, I got a women with
overly pointy breasts and i'm not
afraid to use them |
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GAGA
(confused)
Don't I have any say in this? |
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TED
(and Narthaniel)
NOOOOOOOOOO |
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TED
Face it Narthaniel your
outnumbered 2 (points at gagas
breasts) against 1 |
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NARTHANIEL
(Nervous)
Ugh, if I return to my fellow
Narwhals with a broken or chipped
horn, they will certainly derail
me as king...
But at the same time, if I return
to them without killing you two
they will think I am a coward and
I will lose my spot as king |
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TED
Then why don't you just say you
killed us and let us leave? |
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GAGA
Yeah, if you spread a lie enough
times it becomes truth |
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TED
Yeah them cooky Commiez |
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GAGA
No, we are not talking about
politics again. |
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12.
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NARTHANIEL
I would but they need proof that I
killed you guys |
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TED
hmmmmm, give me a minute to think
AHA I got it, but your not going
to like it Gaga |
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GAGA
"Well, that's your opinion, isn't
it? And I'm not about to waste my
time trying to change it." |
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NARTHANIEL
Out with it they might be getting
suspicious of my activities |
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TED
We are going to give you some
flesh |
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GAGA
Wait, you don't mean... |
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TED
THE MEAT HEELS HAVE TO GO GAGA |
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GAGA
You'll never take me alive |
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GAGA AND TED GET INTO A FIGHT OVER HER HEELS, EVENTUALLY |
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THEY POKE A WHOLE IN THE DINGY FIGHTING OVER IT |
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TED
Ugh, oh no,NO NO NO NO NO NO NO |
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GAGA
AHHH My Butt tattoo isn't
waterproof |
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TED
(screaming stops)
wait you have a what? |
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TED
(throws Narthaniel
the shoe)
Here Narthaniel take the meat
heels and return to your kingdom! |
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13.
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NARTHANIEL
Ahh thank you so much Ted, I hope
you survive |
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NARTHANIEL GOES UNDERWATER AND GAGA JUMPS IN AFTER HIM |
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GAGA DISAPEARS IN TO THE WATER |
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TED
What do I do? What do I do? |
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GAGA
(Underwater,
bubbly)
Just Dance! IT WILL BE OKAY DUH DU
DO DO |
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TED
(starts dancing)
YAY this will work! AHHH this is
making the dingy sink faster
Wait, I know! I choose you
Pigeoto! |
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GAGA
(in deep voice)
Error 404 Pigeoto is unable to
learn HM02 FLY |
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TED
What? but it's a bird |
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GAGA
(still deep voice)
Error 404 Pigeoto is unable to
learn HM02 FLY |
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TED
(Nervous scared)
What kind of crap is this nonsense
If I can ride a Magicarp the size
of my hand. Why can't I ride a
bird as big as lady gaga's globe
dress? |
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GAGA RESURFACES |
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14.
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GAGA
WhoAH, are you making fun of my
globe? because its fashion is out
of this world! |
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GAGA
Yep, and guess what I got? my meat
heals! |
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TED
Wait I thought Narthaniel had them |
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GAGA
Well, nothing can beat my meat...
heals |
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TED
GAGA the dingy is sinking! We are
all going to die, Wilson you were
my only true friend! |
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NARRATOR
And just like that, Ted
Lebinzkie,Lady Gaga, and Bob
Barker all drow |
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TED
Whoah (Punchs Narrator grabs by
the coller) Tell them I lived, I
can't die yet |
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NARRATOR
That would get me fired |
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TED
(Punchs Narrator)
My life is in your hands... so are
you going to let me die then? |
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NARRATOR
Well Gee, I never thought of it
that way (BEAT)
And Just like that, Ted Lebinzkie
and Lady Gaga survived that
horrific accident |
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15.
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NARRATOR
UHM, you guys found floaties in
the emergency hatch in the dingy |
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TED
Whoah, that is way to boring,
howabout Lady Gaga's Globe dress
reversed gravity and we all
floated away back home? |
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GAGA
UH, you are so Judgemental |
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NARRATOR
Ugh, I knew I should've taken up
cooking... And They ALL LIVED
HAPPILY EVER AFTER! |
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THE END |
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