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Where You Find It - Phoenix
by Stress Eakins (sakadera@msn.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
Charlie, down and out in Portland, meets Diane, upwardly mobile executive, and tries to make it work in this anti-screwball comedy.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


An Arizona sunrise colors the horizon. Light slides over
CHARLIE PINKETT, a man in his early thirties with shaggy
hair and a two-week beard sleeping under a plastic
make-shift tent.

As the light reaches his face, his eyes flicker open. He
stretches and yawns as he emerges from his sleeping bag.

He grabs a crumpled water bottle and takes a drink.
Exhaling, his breath can be seen in the morning air.

He slips into his boots and rolls up his bed, wraps it in
the plastic tent and stows it out of sight in the bushes.

After buttoning up his coat and tying his boots, he walks
out over a carefully manicured lawn.

He approaches a street and looks both ways, making sure no
one sees him leave the vacant business park with a FOR LEASE
sign posted out front.
A CELL PHONE ALARM SOUNDS in the darkness. The light from
the phone shines on the bed as a woman's hand picks it up.

Her bedding looks soft, expensive. She presses snooze and
buries her head in her pillow.

The ALARM SOUNDS again. The phone illuminates DIANE
HOLLOWAY, a well put together woman in her thirties wearing
silk pajamas. She turns it off with a groan and rolls out
of bed.

She walks into her bathroom and flicks on the light, turns
on the shower and walks back into her bedroom to make her
bed while the water warms up.

Next, she's dressed nicely, looking capable and stylish. She
pours coffee into a stainless steel coffee mug. The steam
rises from the cup and she heaps sugar and cream into it.

She leaves her enviable building downtown and walks to the
lightrail station.


Charlie walks the overpass over a stretch of noisy, steamy
gridlock that seems to end nowhere.
Charlie walks through the door toward the counter. A COUNTER
GIRL sits texting. She sees him and puts her phone down
hesitantly like she's missing something, but she gives him
her full attention when he walks up to check in.
                       COUNTER GIRL
Charlie nods. She's attractive and seems sweet.
                       COUNTER GIRL
Checking in?
Charlie nods again.
                       COUNTER GIRL
You've been here before. Right?
She tries to make eye-contact, but Charlie feels a rush of
humiliation and looks away.
She smiles. She scoots the clipboard toward him.
                       COUNTER GIRL
I think they're still serving
Charlie half looks up, then nods, averting his eyes.
Charlie walks to the end of a long line for a chance at

NEIL, a Vietnam vet, the shelter's owner, hands out the food
a tray at a time.

Charlie counts the remaining trays and people ahead of him.


It will be close. The line marches forward. He keeps an eye
on the dwindling trays.

A small OLD MAN gets behind Charlie. Out of eagerness to be
fed, compounded by no consideration of personal space, the
little old man follows uncomfortably close to Charlie.
It's your lucky day.
Neil hands Charlie the last tray. Charlie's relief at
getting a breakfast is short-lived. Knowing the man behind
him will not be eating, he looks back over his shoulder.

Neil shrugs at the old man who turns and begins to shakily
cross the room toward the exit.

Charlie looks at the food, then Neil.

Charlie follows the old man across the room, easily striding
ahead of him. Neil watches as Charlie offers the tray to
the old man.
                       OLD MAN
The old man waves a hand, but then takes the tray anyway.
                       OLD MAN
You sure?
Charlie nods, but the man has already shifted his focus to
finding a place to sit.
                       OLD MAN
      (over his shoulder)
Charlie jealously watches the man take his first bite.
Charlie drops off books in the night drop outside and enters
through the glass double doors.


The library's grand shelves go on row after row. Charlie,
squatted on his hams with his head tilted sideways, runs a
finger across the books until it points to the one he is
searching for.

Charlie pulls the book off the shelf and stands up.
Charlie lays in the grass with his head propped up on his
backpack reading his new book.

A SNOB walks by gabbing on her cellphone. She looks down
and sees Charlie. Charlie looks up from his reading for a
moment. Their eyes meet.

The Snob smiles nervously and walks to the end of the path.
      (into her phone)
This skeezy homeless guy
was checking me out.
yeah right. Maybe he's just like
you but he's not like me.
Elevator doors open to Diane's face. Her assistant, FRANCO,
a short, skinny man, early twenties appears no more than
sixteen. He's huddled with BRIT, one of the other

Diane's gaze lands on Franco's Christmas scarf, printed with
elves riding reindeer.
Good Morning.
She's about to pull off her coat. Franco hurries over to
help her with it.
Not really.
Diane tries to look at him as he works frantically to free
her. Her coat is caught on her cuffs.


I got it.
Franco struggles with it for a second. Diane pulls away
from him and gets it off herself.
It's bad.
Diane turns and notices Franco has paired his scarf with
matching socks. She eyes him up and down.
I see. So what's the problem?
Franco looks down at his clothes, slightly blushing.
Laotsu Shipping dumped twenty
thousand units into Shanghai
Franco nods. Brit nods vigorously.
They're in the conference room.
Diane pauses.
She walks into her office.
Diane hangs her coat and places her purse on her desk. She
pulls out a vintage ornate compact, opens it and looks into
the aged mirror, checking if there's anything in her teeth
and touches up her lipstick.
      (taking a breath)
She closes the compact and puts it back in her purse. Her
face transforms from tense to a practiced look of calm



She walks out of her office.
Franco awaits her instructions.
Come in with me, okay. Take
notes. Your uh ... spirit might
lighten the mood.
Too much?
Diane's boss, SCOTT, the no-nonsense founder of the company
sits at the head of the conference table. CARL, Diane's
office rival, stands next to Scott. They are both
captivated by the flat-screen television on the wall.
Technology's so exciting. I can
watch my business fall apart seven
thousand miles away. In real
Shanghai's more like five --
thousand I mean.
What happened?
It doesn't matter. Two tons of
rubber dog shit's floating off the
coast of China.
Franco scribbles feverishly on his pad. Scott glances at
Franco's loud accessories and shakes his head.
That could be considered like an
environmental thing. Violation or
Franco makes another note.


Don't worry. It's China.
I'll get on the phone.
      (to Scott)
This might need some finesse.
I finesse just fine.
Six weeks to Christmas, Diane.
I'll talk to Pernasky.
I can take Pernasky.
He's my client.
Relax. Diane, Pernasky. Carl,
call Donovan in New York.
Fine. Franco.
She motions for him to go. Franco nods.
You'll get 'er done. Right?
Of course.
Diane flashes them both a reassuring smile.
Diane's on the phone. Her tone's calm but compelling.
      (into her phone)
Come on. You can do better than a
week. How many can you do by air?
... whatever you can ... Do that
then. Thanks, Jim ... Yeah, I


                       DIANE (cont'd)
Diane hangs up. Franco buzzes her office.
I got Pernasky on the phone.
Great. Thank you.
He's gonna be pissed ...
Diane cuts off Franco's interjection by switching lines to
speak with PERNASKY, an aged difficult man to please.
GENE PERNASKY wearing an indistinct red polo stalks the
aisles of a Walmart-type store. He answers his cell, but
keeps walking, never losing his stride.
Diane Holloway speaking.
Diane, honey. How's every little
Not so good, Gene.
Pernasky passes two other red-polo-ed figures on ladders
trying to hang Christmas lights. He motions that they should
be higher, but they are both on the top of their step
stools. They shrug and climb down.
Ah... but I was in such a good
Sorry, Gene.
Don't do this to me, D.


The shipment's going to be a
little behind schedule.
Late's no good. The season's
swingin', Diane. Christmas starts
at Halloween nowadays. You know
that, D. Everybody knows that!
Another associate holds up two Santa Claus posters, that
look so similar as to be nearly indistinguishable. Pernasky
points at one decisively and then shakes his head vigorously
at the other, making it look obvious which one should be
I know. Gene, we're gonna make it
up to you.
Make it up to me?! You can't make
up Christmas! That's my whole
Please calm down. We've got time.
No, I have time to get a new
Pernasky sighs.
I'm working hard for you, Gene.
Let me know.
I will.


The phone clicks. Diane slowly puts the phone back in its
cradle. She draws a long breath. She pauses for a moment,

She then exhales and flips her pen into the air snatching it
with her other hand and reclining back into her chair.

Franco, tentatively knocks on her door. His face comes into
view through the office window.
Come in.
Franco walks into the office hesitating a little.
You hungry?
Yeah. I started my cleanse.
Diane gets up and grabs her purse.
I don't get you kids. We used to
just binge and purge.
Diane walks out of the office to take lunch.
Charlie sits on a park bench watching three separate patios
of nice restaurants at lunch hour. Everywhere, there are
people stuffing their faces with fine food. Wine's flowing.
There's a hotdog vendor nearby.

A LARGE WOMAN sits by herself on the patio nearest to
Charlie. She's eating a huge plate of pasta, then pushes it
away half-finished. She beckons for the WAITER to come
                       LARGE WOMAN
Can you wrap this? I'd like to
see the dessert menu.


The waiter nods, clears the plate and hurries inside.

Charlie watches the woman. He glances toward an old man
feeding pigeons with a bag of popcorn. He sees the pigeons
tearing at the kernels of popcorn barbarically.

Charlie looks over to another bench and there's another
homeless man drinking from a flask. He waves at Charlie.

Charlie glances back at the large woman's table. The waiter
has brought over the dessert tray and her to go box. The
woman enthusiastically selects a dessert.

Charlie looks back down into his book.
More Diet?
                       LARGE WOMAN
Yes. Please. To go?
A table away, Diane talks on her cell. She tries to wave
down her waiter. Finally, she catches his eye and makes a
signature gesture with her free hand.
Charlie sees a large derriere pass by his face and watches
it waddle away. It's the woman from the patio. She's got
her purse hooked from her elbow, the to go box clutched in
one hand and a to go cup in the other.

A phone starts to RING from inside her purse. She looks
around as if helpless and undecided.

She walks over to the nearest trash can and throws her to go
box away so she can dig her phone out of her purse. She
puts her phone to her ear and walks off.
Diane, still on her phone, pops a mint into her mouth as she
leaves the restaurant.

Charlie nervously stands, hesitates, then approaches the
trash can to grab the box of food. He's never done this

They converge simultaneously. Charlie looks at her face then
quickly turns around pretending he's thrown something away.
She tosses her wrapper in the trash, disregarding Charlie.

He spins back around to grab the to go box, on top, is a
tasteful antique gold bracelet. Its clasp hangs off the
edge of the container subtly swaying back and forth. It
must be Diane's.


He takes it out and looks around. He quickly walks down the
path to try and catch up with her.

Stopping at the busy street corner, he looks in every
direction but doesn't see her, so he puts the bracelet in
his pocket.

When he returns to the trashcan, the homeless man that waved
earlier is shamelessly eating from the box.
Charlie walks past a pawn shop. A "WE BUY GOLD!" sign
blazes across the conspicuous storefront. He stops, looks
at the sign and continues walking.

BEATTIE, a tiny gutterpunk of sixteen and Charlie's best
friend, sees him walking across the street.
Charlie looks at Beattie. She is hanging out with her
friends, a group of street kids.
      (still yelling)
Where ya been?
Charlie can't hear her over the traffic that passes between
As Beattie starts to cross to Charlie's side of the street,
her friends WHISTLE and make CATCALLS. Beattie sprints past
a few cars when the light turns green.

A driver beeps his horn.

ELEANOR, a blond girl about the same age as Beattie, looks
put out.


Beattie turns toward Eleanor and shrugs. Beattie catches up
to Charlie.
      (out of breath)
What the fuck? Where ya been? I
thought something happened to you.
I'm alright.
Yeah? You haven't been at the
Yeah. I know.
Shit. I don't blame you. Sleep
there, you keep both eyes open and
your back to the wall.
I found a place.
That's great! I wanna see.
In the great empty of commercial
real estate.
Oh. Yeah? Cool.
Are you being good?
Yep. I've been so boring --
Good. I worry.
Beattie throws her arms around his shoulder.
Jesus, Charlie. I don't remember
posting a "Mom Wanted" ad.


You have a mom.
Beattie pulls away to face him and waves her finger in front
of his face.
Nuh uh uh.
Charlie gives her a stern glance.
You going to Saint Vinny's for
Charlie nods.
Then we'll go together.
Beattie hooks her arm into his and they start walking.
You meet a nice girl yet, son?
Okay. What ya reading then?
Charlie pulls the book from under his arm and shows her the
      (reads aloud)
"Molecular Biotechnology:
Principles and Applications of
Recombinant DNA?" Soft porn for
geeks huh? You're too fuckin'
smart for this gig. Ya know?
They walk together into the sunset down a littered city
Diane sits at her desk. Franco's VOICE comes through the


Your sister's on the line
Diane pulls up her sleeves to answer the phone and notices
that her bracelet's missing. She pauses to scan her
thoughts for a second. A look of worry crosses her face.
I'll take it. Thanks.
Diane pushes the button on the phone to take the call.
ABBY, Diane's bubbly younger sister, sits at her kitchen
table, fiddling on her laptop.

Hey, lady.
You ready for me?
Oh yeah. After the day I've had,
I could jump on the banana boat
straight to Sydney and save you
the trip. But I guess you already
booked your flight.
When I get in Saturday, we'll
watch Breakfast at Tiffany's and
smoke too many french cigarettes.
What are they called? Gaselvases?
I'm sure Jared will love that.
He can't come.
Awww. Nooo.
Can you please try and contain
your disappointment?


Diane laughs.
Well, it's alright to be a little
glad. I get you all to myself.
But now we get to do everything I
want to do, Film bar, Hanny's...
Yes. Yes. Yes. I'll take you
wherever for whatever.
... and drinks at the Crescent
Of course.
Yay! Take care. I gotta go.
Okay. Bye.
Diane hangs up the phone and holds her wrist. She thinks for
a moment, then gets up to leave.

She walks out of her office.
I'll walk you out.
No. I'll walk you out.
(seriously) You see my bracelet
anywhere? A little gold one?
Franco helps her with her coat.
I know the one. No. I didn't see
Diane thinks about where she might have lost it.


You should retrace your steps.
Whenever I lose something, I
retrace my steps, like exactly.
Diane and Franco walk into the elevator and turn around.
There is an uneasy expression on her face. The doors close.
Diane's inside the restaurant from lunch talking to the
maitre d' MOS. She walks out, looks around worriedly, then
starts walking.

Diane's looking down. She sees the trashcan, thinks for a
second and starts walking toward it. She looks inside, but
it's been emptied.
                       STRANGE MAN
Hey, lady. You lose something?
Diane looks up to see a figure walking toward her. It's
dark and he's hard to make out.
Why? You find something? I'll
give you cash for it.
The strange man walks up to the trashcan and looks inside.
                       STRANGE MAN
No, I lost something.
                       STRANGE MAN
Do you think our things found each
Diane's face, once hopeful, goes blank. She abruptly turns
away from him and walks to the street.
Charlie kneels inside his tent. He exhales warm breath into
his hands and rubs them together before rolling out his



He lays on his side bundled in his sleeping bag. He dangles
Diane's bracelet from his forefinger and stares at it.
Charlie checks in with the girl from the day before. He
smiles at her. She smiles back.
Charlie stares into a steamy mirror. He wipes the steam
away and looks at the reflection, ponders the beard for a
moment and looks at the sink. There are scissors, a
disposable razor, and a bar of soap.

He trims his beard as close as possible. He lathers the
soap and spreads it on what remains of his beard. He begins
Charlie looks at his reflection, he looks like a new man.
His hair's trimmed and he's clean shaven. He looks decent.

A set of clothes hangs behind him. He tries to smooth out
some wrinkles.

After he's dressed, he does not appear homeless at all.
Charlie finishes breakfast in a hurry.
Charlie walks past the front desk at a fast pace, book under
his arm.
                       COUNTER GIRL
Good luck!
He salutes her and smiles as he exits.
Charlie sets up at the bench just before lunch and opens his
book. His expression is hopeful. He intently surveys the
burgeoning lunch hour, trying to spot Diane.


His eagerness begins to wain as the crowd begins to thin and
the square grows quiet.

He gathers his things and walks away.
Charlie heads back to the shelter, preoccupied with the
day's disappointment.

Realizing he has been walking aimlessly, he stops to look

The house in front of him is empty with a FOR SALE sign in
front. He walks on and passes another FOR SALE sign.

He looks down the street and notices several more. He seems
optimistic when he reaches the end of the block.

Regaining his bearings, he walks back in the direction of
the shelter.
The next day, Charlie walks up to the same bench and sits to
read his book. People pass by frequently.
ARTHUR, a sixty year old paranoid schizophrenic that has
made Charlie's acquaintance, rides up the path where Charlie

Arthur has a long centipede-like attachment to his bike that
includes everything one might need being homeless for a very
long time.

He seems to be going out of his way to aim the few people
that walk ahead him on the path.
Pedestrians to the right! You
missed a belt loop, sir. You
should pay more attention.
The man jumps from Arthur's path.
Just watchin' out for ya, buddy.
Arthur targets the next person ahead of him.


Please move. Please move!
The lady moves out of his way and gives him a dirty look.
Bike coming through. Pedestrians
to the left. Hang up and walk,
Charlie notices Arthur coming toward him. He sinks down,
crosses his legs, pulling the book up in front of his face,
trying to avoid Arthur recognizing him.
My rectum takes a bride. My
rectum rides my bike. I owe you
Cheerios. My rectum flies a kite.
Move! Fuck.
Arthur comes closer to Charlie but rides by as if he hasn't
seen him. Charlie sighs with relief a moment too soon.
Brakes squeak as Arthur's bike comes to a stop.
Was it my turn to say hello first?
I forget how things went the last
time we talked 'cause if I said
goodbye last, you say hello first.
Arthur looks at Charlie for the first time.
Or is it the other way? Boy, you
could pickle my pear jar and I'd
still want to chat at ya, but I
just forget what comes first. Yer
not mad? Are ya?
Charlie lowers his book, realizing the jig is up. He shakes
his head. He closes his book and places it in his lap.
How are ya doin', Arthur?
I tell ya Charlie, when ya gotta
climb into a dumpster to get a
breath of fresh air, it's a hell
of a morning.


Sounds like it.
You been to the library? How many
books did you get may I ask? Cuz
you want to watch out for three.
Never take three.
Why's that, Arthur?
Cuz that's how they triangulate
yer position.
Why would they want to do that?
      (intense and
Well, ya bet yer bacon it's not to
get their books back. But if they
track you long enough, they'll
know where yer going before you
get there based on where ya been.
They'll be a step ahead of you the
whole way. So the trick is to
avoid three. Or ya know ...
Arthur sits next to Charlie on the bench.
... keep it spontaneous.
Charlie smiles at this comment, while Arthur seems
completely serious, looking around furtively as if they are
being watched.
Don't worry, Arthur. I'll take
'em one at a time. Okay?
Nevermind all that. Quit fixating
on the librarians. The salvation
army's got 'em surrounded. Me and
you, we got bigger potatoes to


Arthur reaches into his pocket, scooching closer to Charlie
as if to hide whatever it is from plain view.

He covers the object with his other hand, brings it close to
Charlie then reveals it with a small flourish like it's a
magic trick. He reveals a shiny new cell phone.

Charlie looks at it for a moment not saying a word.

Charlie raises an eyebrow.
Don't you see?
I know what I'm looking at. What
am I supposed to see?
A portal, a door, a third ear, the
land of a ten thousand tongues.
I guess that fits.
But where? The graveyard? The
delivery room? North or south? If
ya catch my meaning. But which
agency's at work? What needs to
be examined here ...
The PHONE RINGS, interrupting Arthur.

He looks at the phone and starts squirming in the seat.

He holds it away from him, then pulls it closer again,
meanwhile it keeps RINGING.
You're not to going to answer it?
I know those numbers. I'm not
speaking to those numbers anymore.
Those numbers probably want their
phone back.
Arthur sits up straight.


I thought you of all people would
Arthur gets up and buries the phone in the basket attached
to his bike. The muffled sound of the PHONE RINGING can
still be heard.
The phone found me.
Arthur seems hurt and refuses to look back at Charlie as he
gets on his bike-train and starts to pedal off.
Bye, Arthur.
As Arthur pulls away, Charlie shakes off the experience like
a sane person who's been trapped in the asylum too long.

A bemused smile begins to cross his face.
The lunch hour's in full swing. Charlie looks more
indifferent than hopeful, sitting on his bench.

But today as he looks up from his book, he sees Diane walk
toward him on the path. She's about to pass him.

Charlie puts his hand in his pocket to try and grab the
bracelet. She's walking too fast and he realizes he's about
to miss his chance. He gets up, still fiddling in his
W-w-ait! Stop!
A few people including Diane turn to look at him. He pauses
for a second that seems like forever, uncomfortable with the
sudden attention. The people pause for a moment, puzzled
and turn back around.

He points at Diane, tongue-tied.

Finally, he retrieves the bracelet and holds it out so that
she can see it.

Diane sees it and smiles.

Charlie smiles back at her and walks over to return the


She looks at it in disbelief.
Oh my God.
      (matter of factly)
I know.
Wow! How'd you -- I mean ...
It just caught my eye, this
glimmery thing. By the time I put
it together, you'd gotten away.
You walk pretty fast.
Charlie nods. Diane looks at him puzzled.
Well. There you go.
Diane tries to put the bracelet on, but has trouble juggling
her purse at the same time. She drops the bracelet on the
ground and takes a breath. Charlie bends down to pick it up
for her.
Here. I can -- if you want.
She pauses and holds out her hand. He clasps the bracelet
around her wrist.

They lock eyes for a moment.

He then takes a step back, suddenly apprehensive that he's
crossed a line.

Diane feels the moment's closeness too, but quickly
recovers, acting like she's just remembered something
Wait a sec. Let me give you
Diane opens her purse.

Charlie shakes his head.


For your trouble.
She fishes through her purse, which makes Charlie feel
It was no trouble. Really.
She pulls out her wallet, but Charlie recoils against the
gesture. She notices that she's done something wrong.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to --
imply ...
You don't have to do anything.
Look, you caught me off-guard. I
didn't mean to be rude. I'm Diane
She pulls her purse up onto her shoulder and holds out her
hand again, this time to shake his.
Charlie. I'm Charlie.
Charlie shakes her hand.
Look. This means a lot to me. I
was heading to lunch. I think you
should let me buy you a sandwich.
Charlie feels himself start to nod.
There's this great place around
the corner.
They walk down the path and begin to talk with each other.
Diane and Charlie sit by the window inside a busy deli. They
have their sandwiches and soup in front of them.


Charlie takes a moment to appreciate the steamy soup. He
brings his face up to the bowl to drink in the smell, then
places his hands around the steaming soup to warm them.
Have you ever eaten here?
No. I've wanted to though.
Diane takes a taste of her soup and nods. Charlie takes a
spoonful too.
I love this place. I come here
all the time. I can't stand the
chain places.
It's really good.
They eat quietly for a moment. Charlie savors another
spoonful. Charlie points to the bracelet with his spoon.
It's beautiful. Unique. It's
Ukrainian isn't it?
Diane, having just taken a bite out of her sandwich, raises
her eyebrows, a bit surprised. She covers her mouth with
her hand.
      (still chewing)
How'd you know that?
Charlie motions for her to give him her wrist. She places
her sandwich on her plate and holds out her hand.

Charlie pulls on the chain to reveal a symbol on the clasp.
He traces the intricate gold inlay with his finger.
This. I've seen this before. St.
Volodymyr's trident.
He turns her hand over on the table and removes his.

She brings her hand back to her sandwich and pauses.


It was my grandmother's. She's
from there. It was one of the
only heirlooms she was able to
bring with her. That's a pretty
obscure symbol if you're not
I read a lot.
That's great. I wish I could read
more. I just work so much. I'm
working on this thing right now. I
practically live on another
planet. Well, at least a few time
zones over.
She starts eating her sandwich again.
My job's in global shipping. I
wake and sleep on Beijing time.
Really, do you dream in Mandarin?
Yeah, but the subtitles are in
Charlie smiles.
Do you like what you do?
Mostly. It can be stressful. In
shipping, it feels like you never
have enough time, but really it's
about using blocks of space and
time that no one else can see. At
least, that's how I like to look
at it -- I feel like I'm doing all
the talking.
I don't mind.
Diane waits.


There's nothing to me.
Diane crinkles her brow, gives Charlie a playfully
accusatory look and remains silent, waiting for him to
Well. Currently, I'm working on
the hunger problem.
Diane laughs at his remark.
What? Your sandwich?
Charlie smiles.
I'm an agricultural geneticist.
Well, that sounds interesting.
It's mostly diversifying DNA
through generations of crop
sequences to eradicate monoculture
that causes food allergies, but
accelerated to boost crop yield.
Wow. You make it sound so simple.
I've managed to eradicate every
plant I've come into contact with.
In kindergarten, mine was the
only beansprout that didn't um,
you know ...
... yeah.
They share a little laugh, but her phone RINGS. She's a
little startled, looks at the phone and shuts off the ring.

She seems like she's suddenly in a hurry.
I'm sorry. I have to get back.


Diane gathers her things to leave.
      (standing up)
Oh yeah. Don't let me keep you.
Charlie grabs his things to walk her out. The CASHIER
cleans a table next to theirs.
Bye, guys.
The second half of Diane's sandwich sits barely touched on
her plate. The cashier points to it.
Did you want a box for that?
Diane glances back at it with an air of indifference.
I don't see the point. It'd
probably just end up in the
Charlie gets the door for her and they walk out together.
They stop for a moment to say goodbye.
Diane and Charlie stand outside the restaurant, both unsure
what comes next.
Well, maybe I'll run into you
again. This is a very large small
That's true. Maybe you will.
You know what? I hate maybes. How
about you give me your number and
we'll do it again?


Or not. I just thought that -- uh
--- Never mind.
That's not it. I'd like to see
you again. I just meant -- Maybe
it's better if I call you.
You're married.
Yes. That's it. I'm married.
Number four. I think it's love
this time.
Diane laughs.
Oh,I get it. You're fucking with
Seriously, are you married?
Diane holds the straight face for a second then smiles a
broad smile.
No, I'm not married. Yes, I'm
fucking with you. But I can't
give you my number because I don't
have a phone.
Diane gives Charlie a skeptical look.
Look it's fine. I really enjoyed
She hesitates for a moment, then pulls out a business card
and hands it to Charlie.
I have to go. Thank you again.
I'm glad you found me.


Diane locks eyes with Charlie and smiles. She starts to
walk down the street in a hurry.
Charlie walks down the street on top of the world. He's
smiling as he walks by people arguing loudly, but it does
not faze him.

An elderly lady crosses his path only to stop right in front
of him and stare aimlessly through the window, but he just
diverts around her.

He walks up to a street corner. The light is red so he waits
for it to turn. A GRUNGEY KID comes up to him.
                       GRUNGEY KID
      (at Charlie)
Hey you.
Charlie looks in the kid's direction.
                       GRUNGEY KID
Can you spare any change?
Charlie stares at him, realizing he doesn't look poor or
homeless, but Charlie's heart sinks as he's reminded that he
is both.
I'm sorry.
                       GRUNGEY KID
Whatevs. Peace.
The light changes, but Charlie just stands there, shaken.
Charlie jumps a wall. Slides open a window and slips into
the house with his bedroll.
Charlie lies on his bedroll inside a vacant house.

He holds Diane's business card up so it catches the
moonlight, illuminating the letters.

He slides it into his shirt pocket and snaps it shut.


He turns onto his side to tries to sleep.
It's early morning. Beattie stands on the street and looks
up at a sign that says PIRATE PETE's NEWSROOM, under the
sign is a red neon buzzing that says BAR.

It's cold, but sunny. She blows on her hands and stuffs
them into her pockets. She walks into the bar.
Beattie walks into the lowly lit bar.

LAWRENCE, the bartender, leans against the counter, talking
to two elderly gentlemen at the end of the bar.

Beattie walks up, intent on interrupting the conversation.
Can I help you?
Is this your place?
He wipes the bar in front of her.
Yes it is. And you're not
drinking here.
Never touch the stuff myself.
Thanks. I actually have a
business proposition.
Whatever your sellin', I don't
want it.
Lawrence says this loud enough for the gentlemen at the end
of the bar to hear him. They already look at the encounter
with the young girl with peaked interest.
But ...
No buts. Get gone, kid.


Lawrence speaks louder this time, playing to his audience.
I'm here to offer you a service
and it won't cost anything. What
I want you'll just throw out
Yeah? You collecting drunken
Lawrence looks at the guys who snicker at the comment.
Funny. No. I want to take your
Your bottles. I want to recycle
your bottles.
Go home, kid.
Fine. I could just dive in your
dumpster and trash the alley like
everybody else.
Now she's speaking loudly so the men can hear her. Their
interest has not waned.
I see you near my dumpster, I'm
calling the cops.
Beattie throws up her hands in a dramatic gesture.
You're not interested. Fine. I'm
not here to hassle you. I just
thought you and me could come to
an agreement, save us both the
She looks over at the men as if she's been railroaded.


It's just me haulin' off your
trash so I can get a fuckin'
Beattie turns to leave and flips up her hood.

Lawrence looks at the guys and they look sympathetic, so he
takes a breath.
Hold on a minute there.
Beattie cracks a smile while her back is still turned, but
it quickly vanishes when she turns to look at him.
I'll put them aside for you -- But
uh -- they'll pile up quick.
Well. Alright. I'll make sure to
get it out of your way.
Beattie holds out her hand.
Lawrence's huge hand takes Beattie's. They shake on it.
Beattie comes out of the bar and skips off down the street.

-- The next bar, Beattie gives her spiel to an unconvinced

She shrugs and walks out. She holds a piece of paper
against the wall, pulls out a pen and takes the cap off with
her teeth.

She draws a line through one of the many names listed on the
piece of paper. She starts down the street.

-- A different bar - the bartender gives her a tentative

-- A different bar - the bartender talks her ear off and
won't let her leave. She smiles and nods, but gets


impatient and gestures that she needs to go. He tries to
keep her there by pouring her a drink. She refuses it and
Beattie walks into the library. She pulls down her hood and
looks around.

She walks up each floor searching for Charlie. On the
third, she gives up and steps into an elevator and selects
the top floor.

The doors open. Charlie sits at a table near the window.
Thought I'd find you here.
Charlie looks up from his book to Beattie. His face
I like the view. It's warm.
C'mon! It's boring. Wanna make
some money?
Charlie stretches and yawns.
I told you. I'm not robbing
Forget that. This is business,
but of course you'd be working for
Charlie looks at her skeptically.
It's legitimate. I swear.
Beattie laughs.
So lay it out. Do I get benefits?
Beattie thinks for a second.


Profitsharing. No medical just
yet, but yer in on the ground with
I guess I can help you. For a
little while at least.
Your availability's obscene.
That's why you're my top
Charlie tilts his head and thinks for a second.
You won't even have to pee in a
cup. Aren't you even a little
Charlie stares out the window.
Charlie! I need your help.
Charlie looks at her slightly bemused.
We can start tomorrow.
People stream out of the terminal at the airport. Each face
tells a story. One woman looks like she hasn't slept a

A large man looks nauseated.

Next Abby, Diane's sister appears. She looks bright and

Diane is waiting. She sees Abby and runs to give her a hug.
Oh my god!


Oh my god!
Diane looks her sister up and down. It's obvious that it's
been too long.
Did you check anything?
God no. Jared over-nighted most
of it. He knows what security's
That's sweet of him. How was the
Abby waves away the comment.
Fine. Eighteen hours on the
plane's nothing compared to the
gloved gropefest in security. I
could use a drink.
Okay. Whatever you want.
Abby pulls a single-serving sized bottle of Chivas out of
her purse, unscrews the cap and empties it.
Don't worry.
Abby digs into her purse a second time.
I got one for you too.
She hands another teeny bottle to Diane. Abby looks like
she's just had the most wonderful idea.
Okay. Let's go.
Diane places the bottle into her own purse as if to say
she'll save it for later. Abby shrugs.


Diane and Abby sit at the bar with full drinks in front of
So ... How are things?
Well work's a fucking mess. I
didn't get my promotion. Cheers.
They raise their glasses and toast.
An unnatural disaster's made my
life the third ring of hell. A
shipment was basically ...
Whoa. Hold on. I did not just
cross an ocean to hear you talk
about work.
You still dating that guy?
Whatshisname? Barry, Brent,
Brent. No, that's done. He was
Sitting across from him was like
watching a documentary on ...
carpet cleaning.
Oh God. I'm so sorry.
Plus ...


He would do this thing where every
time he would take a drink he
would make this noise that sounded
like a toilet refilling.
What does that even mean?
Diane demonstrates with a drink of her martini. She swirls
the drink in the back of her throat and leaves her mouth
open just enough that the sound emitted strangely mimics a
toilet's tank filling.

Abby looks horrified, which makes Diane choke as she laughs.
Abby laughs.
It was just a few dates that went
So what? Nobody then?
Not yet.
It's morning. Charlie waits by the window for Beattie and
her mysterious business proposition. He reads his book over
a small cup of coffee.

He's so focused that he doesn't see Beattie's face appear by
his on the other side of the glass. She makes silly faces,
but he doesn't notice.

She keeps making faces then looks angry and pulls back her
fist like she'll put her hand straight through the glass,
but instead taps lightly on the window.

Charlie's startled nonetheless. He looks at her and she
acts like a spokesmodel showing off two shopping carts that
she's dragged down there. Charlie gives her a puzzled look.

She beckons for him to come out with an exaggerated skyhook
arm gesture.


      (yelling through
       the glass)
Get me a coffee!
Charlie and Beattie each have their own shopping cart and
sip their respective coffees.
I think I got yours. This tastes
You're welcome.
Just kidding. Yummmmmm.
She makes a large circle with her other hand over her tummy
and smiles widely.
       comically serious)
So, the plan is we pick up the
glass from these places. Today
we'll do it together, but I expect
once we get the hang of the thing,
we'll split up and meet at the
Where's the end?
Pay dirt, pally. The depository
at Lincoln and Fifth.
She pulls out her list and unfolds it to show Charlie.
We're going to all these places?
All except the ones I crossed out.
As long as these saps keep
sipping, we're in business.
Okay. So, it's recession-proof.


BAR MONTAGE: Beattie and Charlie go to each bar. Beattie
goes into the first one alone and brings out a box filled
with bottles and places it in the cart.

The next place, she has to take two trips. They push the
carts and jump on them to scoot along.

By the end, the carts are full and they are even stacking
boxes on their arms. They walk to the depository to cash
Beattie stands at the window. The ATTENDANT hands her the
Thanks, bub.
Beattie equally distributes the cash. The money's not much,
but it's more than Charlie's had in a while.
So what are you gonna do with your
cut? I'd keep it out of the
market if I were you. It's way too
volatile right now.
I don't know. Maybe a couple
weeks of this and well, maybe, I
could take a nice girl to a decent
Nice girl? Where you gonna find
one of those?
Charlie looks at her and smiles. A look of amusement
crosses his face at the thought of taking Diane out to
dinner. Beattie puts her money into her pocket. And blurts
I'm flattered, but I'm not that
Charlie realizes somehow Beattie may have misunderstood him.
I mean. I kind of met someone.


Beattie's cool demeanor quickly conceals her feelings for
Well ... That's a relief. I do
love you, Charlie, but you're like
... old.
Charlie makes a move like he's been socked in the gut.
Let's get a bite. I'll spring. I
Beattie walks up to the VENDOR and holds up two fingers.
With everything and... two cokes,
Charlie pulls out some of his money and shoves it into the
vendor's hand. Beattie gives him an annoyed look.
Thanks. She's not like normal. Is
Charlie makes a face like he doesn't like her using the word
normal and doesn't quite understand what she means. Then
takes a bite of his hotdog.
How you gonna work that?
Charlie thinks for second, then lets out a breath and
Does she know you're on the
Charlie looks away then back at Beattie with a trace of
guilt on his face.
You're going to tell her, right?


Jeeze. It just happened it was
kind of random and ...
Whatever you do, don't lie. She'll
never forgive you. Before my dad
left, I used to lie to him a lot,
when I broke something or painted
the dog.
Charlie laughs at the thought.
I'm serious.
I was like six or something. He
told me he couldn't trust me if I
lied like that. So when I needed
to confess something, I would tell
him to close his eyes, then it
wouldn't be so hard to tell the
That'd be great advice if I were
six years old.
Whatever. He didn't always like
what I said, but at least we
trusted each other.
I don't know what I'm going to do,
but I'm going to call her.
Abby and Diane are at a pizza parlor playing a video game.
They hold up rifle controllers and aim them at the video
I told you!
I'm trying!


You get the ones on the right!
A family sits at the table next to the machine. The mother
puts a baby into the highchair. The baby stares at the two
women, sucking on a binkie, puzzled by them.
I know. I am.
Now! Launch a grenade at that
thing! I'm out. Gaaa!
Diane's PHONE RINGS. She doesn't quite recognize what she's
hearing, thinking it's part of the game until the third
Get that fucker!
The mother sitting next to them gives them a look. Abby
doesn't notice but Diane sees her.
      (mouths silently)
Sorry. (To Abby) That's my
phone, Ab.
So what? Leave it.
But ...
Abby and Diane have been killed in the game and the phone
has stopped ringing.
Charlie stands at a payphone, listening to DIANE'S VOICEMAIL
GREETING. When it BEEPS, he hangs up, thinks for a moment,
and starts walking away.


Diane reaches into her purse for her phone. She looks at
the number, but doesn't recognize it. She thinks for a
Come on Dee, grab a fistful of
quarters. We got these fucks on
the run.
Once again, Diane reaches into her purse to pull out some
quarters. She hands them to Abby.
Keep the heat on 'til I get back.
Abby playfully frowns then puts the quarters in to continue
the game. She presses both player buttons then picks up the
rifle Diane has holstered. She cocks both weapons and
points them at the screen.

Diane calls the number on her phone.
Charlie's about to cross the street a few feet from the
payphone when it RINGS. He hurries back to answer it.

I just got a call from this
Hi. This is Charlie from the
other day.
Abby can be heard in the background.
Die screaming, pig!


Diane struggles to hear Charlie over the noise from the
video game mixed with Abby's war cries.
Yeah? Charlie?
I'll take you all to fucking hell!
Excuse me?
Diane covers the phone with her hand.
      (into the phone)
Hold on a minute.
She walks outside, holding up a finger to Abby to indicate
she'll be gone for a minute. Abby doesn't even notice and
continues blasting away.
Diane stands outside the front window of the parlor. Abby
can be seen through the large window behind Diane.
Sorry about that. My sister's
tapped her inner rage.
Oh. Okay.
Nothing to be afraid of.
I see ... So, why I called was I
wanted to see if ... maybe you
would like to ... grab a cup of
coffee next week some time ...


                       CHARLIE (cont'd)
Next week's kind of crazy for me.
My sister's in from out of town.
I hear that. My schedule's crazy
Maybe Thursday night? Maybe I can
sneak away for an hour or two.
I think Thursday should be fine.
How about Poseidon? You know that
Yeah. It's cute. Sevenish?
Alright. See you then.
Bye, Charlie.
Diane smiles as she hangs up the phone.

Charlie also smiles as he hangs up on his end.

Diane looks through the window and her sister takes a shot
that wins the game. Abby holds the rifles over her head in
triumph. Diane looks at her and smiles, shaking her head as
she walks back in.
Scott sits in his large bright office. There is a vast view
of the city through the windows behind him. He reclines in
his plush chair with his feet kicked up on the corner of his



He sees Diane walk by his doorway and motions for her to
come in. She enters and leans casually against wall.
How's that sister of yours? Don't
tell me she's picked up an accent.
I hate that.
No. No accent. She's happy, but
she misses the states.
I bet. Well, you tell her the
states miss her. How's the
Shanghai fiasco?
I'll talk to Pernasky today.
Please do. His angina's giving me
I will.
Attaboy, girl. You make it look
like art.
Diane takes that as her cue to leave and begins to walk
toward the door.
You have every right to be upset.
I had to go with Carl this time.
You had to?
Why do you think he got it?
Diane sighs. She doesn't want to appear emotional.
Why do I think he got it? He was
the right man for the job.


I know what you're getting at and
that's not it.
Then what was it? So, I can be
paid less for doing his footwork,
while he takes off for his kid's
soccer games.
He's got a family, Diane. You
might think it's a liability, but
he's invested. He's sticking
around. You, you've got nothing
to tie you here.
I didn't know procreation was in
the job description.
What if I told you we were
dropping Pernasky?
Are we? You don't need to do
No. But what if I did? You'd try
to block me and Carl would just
swing the axe.
So, I'll care less about the
Diane, what I'm getting at is ...
business isn't life.
So which deserves integrity? I
just want to get my priorities


A duck leisurely sits between a bowling ball and a tophat on
Pernasky's cluttered desk. Pernasky and ARTURO, an elderly
magician in a tux, stare pensively down at the three items,
unsure of how to proceed.
If anything happens to him. I'll
never forgive myself ... or you.
The PHONE RINGS on the desk and startles the duck, which
flies into the corner.
Don't worry, Arturo. We'll get
it. I swear.
Pernasky picks up the phone.

Arturo walks over to fetch the duck, but it flies to the
opposite corner. Arturo glares, looking put out.
Diane sits at her desk.

      (into the phone)
This is Gene.
Hi, Gene. It's Diane.
A wise man once said, "Never work
with animals ... or children."
Make me smile. It's been a
helluva Monday.
Well, everything's on its way.
Late, but ahead of schedule. So
that's one less thing.
Yes! Thank you, honey.
I thought you'd like that.


Elope with me, Diane ... some
place warm.
Some girls marry and others break
hearts. I'm not the marrying
I'm just joshing. You know you're
the same age as my girls. I don't
want to see you end up with some
bum off the streets.
That's sweet. But you don't need
to worry.
Yeah. Yeah.
Talk to you soon, Gene.
All's well. Bye, sweetie.
Pernasky hangs up the phone, smiling. He turns and looks at
Arturo who's coddling the duck. His smile quickly fades and
brow crinkles as he shakes his head.
Well, get him up there.
Charlie and Beattie load the last of the day's bottles into
their carts under a darkening sky. They struggle to push
the heavy carts down the rocky alley.
We made pretty good time today.
That smell's making me crazy.
I'm trying to ignore it.
Smells like Italian.


Stop it.
Shut it.
Indian food.
Charlie gives her an annoyed look.
My mom makes the best lasagna. Do
you cook, Charlie?
Quit torturing me. Let's finish
up and get out of here.
Come on. Answer me!
Well, if I had a pot to piss in,
I'd make you spaghetti.
Quite the image, Charles.
Come on. Let's wrap this up. I
gotta get going.
You called her didn't you?
Charlie shrugs.
You did, you naughty monkey.
We're supposed to meet tomorrow.
That's great. Right?


No what?
I don't think I can do it.
Fuck! Make up your mind, buddy.
Charlie looks incredibly uncomfortable.
Do you like her?
Charlie nods.
That's it then. You're going!
But ...
Look. You have nothing to lose.
I have nothing to offer.
Beattie thinks for a minute.
You don't have money, but you
have plenty to offer. Cut girls
some slack, Chuck. Show her the
fucking sunset.
Charlie thinks about it and frowns a little.
Girls want moments.
Charlie and Beattie cash out at the depository and leave.
She splits the money between them.
Tell me how it goes. Tell me


Beattie folds a few of the bills long ways and holds them
up for him.
Take this.
He refuses and begins to walk away from her. She sneaks up
behind him and pushes the folded bills into his jacket
pocket. Charlie turns back around to find Beattie standing
with her arms crossed.
Good luck.
Steam rises from the coffee cup that sits in front of Diane
as she waits.
Charlie, clean-shaven and dressed in his only presentable
outfit walks briskly down the street. He stops to glance at
his reflection in a window and fixes his hair.

A middle-aged lady sees him looking in and looks
conspicuously back at Charlie. She winks. Charlie
straightens up and walks toward the cafe.
Charlie enters. Diane looks up. She waves.
      (to Charlie)
He looks back at Diane and walks over to her. She stands.
They stand in silence for a moment.


Well, I see you've got yours. I'm
going to get a cup. Would you
like anything?
No thanks. I'm fine.
Charlie gets in line with a few people ahead of him. It
moves slowly. A folk singer sets up and checks the mic.
                       FOLK SINGER
Check. Check. One, two, three.
FEEDBACK SOUNDS. Everyone grabs for their ears.
                       FOLK SINGER
      (into the mic)
Charlie looks mystified at the the board of drinks. He
looks at the barista.
Just a coffee.
All I have is Americano.
Ya. Sure. That'll be fine.
Three fifty.
Charlie digs into his pocket for money, when he pulls out
his stash of ones, the folded bills Beattie gave him fall to
the floor. He holds up a finger as he bends down to pick up
the money.

He shakes his head smiling. He hands the barista four
dollars. The singer walks up to the mic again.
                       FOLK SINGER
I'm going to sing some songs for
you wonderful people.
Everyone claps. The folk singer puts up a hand.
                       FOLK SINGER
Thank you.


The barista gives Charlie his change. Charlie puts the
coins into the tip jar. Charlie turns back toward Diane and
they smile at each other.
                       FOLK SINGER
I'll be singing some songs tonight
about meeting the wrong goddamned
woman ...
Charlie heads back to Diane and sits across from her. The
chair's bucket seat seems to engulf him. He falls backward
a little as he sits and almost spills his coffee.
                       FOLK SINGER
      (tuning guitar)
... how she can dig her nails
right into your heart.
Diane ignores the singer, but notices that Charlie looks
I can trade you. Seats. I mean.
Charlie shakes his head.
Oh this? This is perfect.
His knees are squooshed together. He leans back, but feels
too far away. He leans forward as much as possible, which
brings him absurdly close to his knees. He breathes a sigh
and settles in as if he could be comfortable.
                       FOLK SINGER
      (still tuning)
... how ya wish ya had a time
machine just to walk on by that
first time she caught your eye.
Diane and Charlie squirm in their seats, listening to the
negative drone of the singer's lament.
So ... how was your day?
Charlie can't hear Diane and leans as close as he can in his
seat. He shakes his head. Diane looks at the singer then
looks back at Charlie.
                       FOLK SINGER
Hold on. I'm gonna write that one


Can't wait to hear the set.
Charlie sets down his coffee on the table.
Do you maybe wanna ...
Charlie waits as she gathers her things and they walk out.
                       FOLK SINGER
First kiss, first nail, first nail
in the coffin.
Diane's laughing. Charlie grins.
Are you laughing at that poor
man's misery?
It was pretty brutal.
I was biting the inside of my lip
just to keep from laughing.
From the sound of things, he's
used to women laughing at him.
Oooh. Now who's brutal?
Charlie shrugs.
Fuck him.
Charlie smiles.


What's next, then?
You want to walk for awhile?
Charlie and Diane walk down by the river, talking and
laughing. The ground beneath them CRUNCHES with autumn
leaves as they meander through the park.
It's the season of the witch.
And the Great Pumpkin will ride
Wait. What? Do you mean Peanuts
or Sleepy Hollow?
Charlie looks at her. A devlish grin crosses his face.
Charlie raises his shoulders and does the dance from the
Peanuts Great Pumpkin special. Diane laughs.
Diane points at Charlie and joins him. They dance around
for a few moments. Still giggling, Diane blushes. Charlie
See, you still believe.
I suppose I do. But I don't know
what to be.
Charlie looks at her puzzled.
For Halloween.
I bet you're all elbows around the
candy bowl. Those kids don't
stand a chance.
No. I have a party to go to,
smart ass.


I think you should go as ... ah
.. Snow White. No, Betty White.
Betty Paige. Yeah, Betty Paige.
That's good, but it's a theme
party. Great literary figures.
That is a high-brow Halloween.
Yeah. Kinda. But it'll be fun.
Would you wanna go?
Oh ... Sure. Yeah. I'll go.
It's next Friday. In Southeast.
Where do you live?
In Northeast.
Well, I guess we could meet in the
middle. At Herbert and Viola?
Around eight maybe?
That's good. We'll play it safe.
What do you mean by that?
Diane's phone vibrates. Abby has texted her: "R WE GONNA

Diane puts her phone away.
I guess I gotta go. That's my
Diane looks down the street.


Walk me to the train?
Charlie nods. They walk to the train stop. A train is
coming up the street.
I can take this one.
She gets in. The doors are about to close.
She looks over at him.
Good night.
The doors close. She smiles at him through the glass.
Charlie heads toward the stairs, bedroll under his arm. Two
flashlight beams shine through a window. He quickly cowers
in the corner beneath the window.

Beams search the room. He hears MUFFLED VOICES outside.
Someone tries the front door, but it's locked. After a few
moments, they go away.

Charlie stays deadly still until he hears an ENGINE START
and the CAR pull away. He quickly creeps up the staircase.

Charlie lays in his bedroll, awake, rigid with paranoia.

The next morning, he wakes in a panic. He's late and rushes
to leave.
Charlie catches up to Beattie at one of the bars on their

She's enlisted a hick named LEE to help her the load the
bottles and cans into the carts. Beattie's in a dumpster
throwing cans out of it.

Lee tries to catch them with a shopping cart. Charlie does
a doubletake when he sees the two in the alley.


Beattie holds her hand up to shield her eyes from the sun as
she looks in Charlie's direction.
She smiles. Charlie doesn't know how to respond.
You really should call if you're
taking a personal day, buddy.
Beattie goes back to her digging in the garbage.
I thought you weren't dumpster
Are you still here?
She throws a can out and almost hits Charlie.
There's gold in these here shit
Charlie walks up to the dumpster where Beattie pops up her
I'm sorry. Don't be mad.
Beattie sighs. Beattie jumps out of the dumpster, takes her
railroad gloves off and puts them on the side of the
shopping cart.
Not a big deal. I just waited
around ... I didn't know what was
going on.
I know. I'm sorry.
Beattie starts pushing the cart down the alley.
Well, Lee's helping me out today.


That's fine.
      (to Lee)
You ready to call it a day,
Whatever you say, boss.
Can you meet me in a little while?
I need your help with something.
I thought you wanted to have a
beer after, Beat?
Beattie stops pushing the cart and looks at the boys.
There's plenty of Beattie to go
around. Come along, Chuck. I'll
buy ya a pop.
Charlie, Lee, and Beattie hang out on a loading dock. Lee
paces around sipping on a beer. Beattie and Charlie sit
drinking sodas.
So you need to go as a writer? Who
Or a character. I don't know.
Sounds like the most boring ass
party I've ever heard of.
      (looking directly
       at Lee)
Thanks, Lee.
Beattie gives Lee a dirty look and sighs.


It can't be that hard. Aren't
writers just dirty, depressed
people with no life? You're
I'm not depressed.
I don't know. What books did you
read as a kid?
What everyone else read I guess.
But you read all the time.
Ya. I read about things, not
I got it. Come on. Let's go.
I had to read the Count of Monte
Crisco. That was a good one.
Beattie and Charlie don't respond.
What? Where?
Trust me. C'mon.
People get out of Charlie's way as he walks up the street.
They look slightly horrified when he passes. He gets on the
bus and puts change into the slot. The driver looks at him
Diane stands at the corner of Herbert and Viola waiting. She
looks up and sees the signs.

The bus stops a little bit away from the intersection. Diane


squints to see if it's Charlie approaching. Her expression
changes from optimistic to disturbed.

Charlie looks beat to hell, wearing a dress shirt that's
open with a bloody t-shirt underneath, an askew tie hangs
loosened around his neck.

He carries a bouquet of hand-picked flowers from some of the
finest yards in the city.
Oh my God!
Charlie smiles. He cooly unveils a nametag on his shirt
under his jacket that says TYLER DURDEN.

Diane smiles and nods.
That is brilliant! Yeah, I
thought about being Marla Singer,
but I didn't want to be smoking
all night.
Charlie furrows his brow as he looks Diane up and down.
And who are you supposed to be?
Daisy from Gatsby.
Ah. You're in it for the money.
Now I know your M.O.
Don't kid yourself. It's all
about status.
Charlie gives an uncomfortable smile and hands her the
Here ya go, Daisy.
How sweet!
She gives the flowers a sniff.
Thank you. Shall we?


Diane points in the direction they should go and Charlie
starts walking with his hands in his pockets. Diane weaves
her arm around his as they walk.

They approach the stoop of the building. They can hear the
MUSIC playing and VOICES upstairs.
Charlie and Diane stand at the door. They ring the bell. It
SCREAMS. No one comes. They ring again. It SCREAMS again.
Maria, Diane's friend, answers the door, dressed as
      (slightly tipsy)
What is up, betch?
Calpurnia gives Diane a sloppy bear hug and looks over at
Whoa, I see someone is feeling no
pain. Maria, this is Charlie.
Hello. It's good to meet you.
Charlie holds out his hand, but Calpurnia gives him a burly
hug. Calpurnia pulls away and scans Charlie up and down.
She looks at his nametag.
Why, Diane, you never told me
Tyler was so handsome.
Calpurnia motions for them to come in.
Charlie, honey. I never told you
Charlie was so handsome.
Diane looks at Charlie apologetically.
No, you didn't. Is he coming? And
Abby? Where's Abby?
She left this morning.


Bitch left the country without
saying hi.
Calpurnia follows them in and slams the door behind her,
which triggers the SCREAM again.
They enter the apartment full of people in costume.

Hunter S. Thompson chats up Tarzan in a dark corner.

Sylvia Plath dances with Huck Finn with an oven on her head.

Edgar Allen Poe eats chips with a fake raven on his

Captain Ahab and Sherlock Holmes have traded hats.
Let me get these.
Calpurnia takes their coats and walks down the hall.
      (over her shoulder)
Jerry's in the kitchen obsessing
over his guacamole.
Diane leads Charlie into a kitchen filled with characters.
Diane stands on tip toe to look over everyone. She sees
Jerry/CAESAR standing over a large bowl of guacamole,
tasting the tip of a wooden spoon.
Citizens, welcome!
Diane brushes past BRUNHILDE into Caesar's open arms and
gives him a hug.
Jerry, this is Charlie.
      (in Latin)
Pleased to meet you!


Brunhilde hears Caesar and interjects.
English, Jerry. Jesus!
Caesar, still holding the wooden spoon in his hand, points
it at Brunhilde accusingly.
Try it. Please.
Caesar hands Brunhilde the spoon and turns to Charlie to
shake his hand.
Good to meet you, Jerry.
Food is in here. Drinks are over
Allen GINSBERG walks by with a drink in his hand.
Get 'em while you can.
CEASAR pulls the spoon out of Brunhilde's hand and tosses it
into the sink.
      (to Diane)
I'll get you something.
Yeah. Um ... Whiskey and Coke.
Charlie walks out of the kitchen toward the bar.
Charlie walks up to the bar and fills two glasses with ice.
He makes a drink for Diane and a virgin drink for himself.

JAMES BOND walks up to the bar. He pops a beer and pours it
into a martini glass.
I hate to break character, but I
hate martinis.
Charlie nods. Bond shrugs and walks off.


ZORO and TRUMAN CAPOTE walk up to the bar.
Gin and tonic and a Cosmo.
Um. I'm not ... the ... uh
I'm just playing with you.
(looking around)
Did you happen to bring your
better half?
Oh. No, we're just ... on a
He means Brad, darling.
Yeah, Brad.
Oh, the costume, right.
Charlie sees Diane walk out of the kitchen.
Don't pay any attention to him. He
was a queen before he stuffed his
ass into those clothes.
Charlie's clearly focusing on Diane as a minotaur begins to
put the moves on her.
Screw you and the horse you rode
in on.
Will you quit with the voice
He sees her trying to get passed the Minotaur.
But I love it and you can't do it.
Bitch, please. I was Capote last
year. (In Capote-speak)


Diane finally gets across the room to Charlie.
Did you pour that drink yet? I
think I need a double.
Gettin' cozy over there?
Yeah. I got roped into small talk
with a centaur.
Charlie slides her the drink. She sips on it and looks
around. Franco dressed as Robin Hood walks up to them.
Franco gives Diane a big sloppy hug. Diane acts kind of
Nice. Charlie, right?
Charlie holds out his hand to shake Franco's, but Franco
hands him an arrow.
Oh. Thanks.
Franco brushes past the two of them. Franco pours a drink
then three shots.
                       CHARLIE AND DIANE
Shots? Yes.
He places the shots in front of the two of them.
Reluctantly, they pick up their glasses. Franco raises his
shot in the air.
Steal from the poor to feed the


Charlie looks at his shot, refusing to drink to Franco's
ridiculous toast. Diane pauses, making eye contact with

Franco throws back his shot, oblivious that they have not
followed his lead.
How about ... to happy accidents.
They look at each other, smile, raise their glasses and

Caesar places the dip on the table with the rest of the hors
d'ouvres. The music gets louder and the party seems to pick
up as Caesar saunters onto the dance floor where Calpurnia

A Kathy Bates character sits next to a guy in a wheelchair.
They're laughing.

Soon Charlie has Franco's bow strewn across his chest and
dances badly on the dance floor. Diane dances with him with
equal or lesser ability.

She twirls and comes face to face with the minotaur dancing
behind her. He hold his arms up like goal posts. She
quickly turns back toward Charlie. Franco tears up the
dance floor beside them.
      (drunkenly to
I thought you were cold. But now
I know you're cool.
The music slows. The party has begun to wane. Empty
bottles scatter the bar and empty bowls fill the snack
table. Most of the guests have filtered out.

Franco lies, passed out in the fetal position, on the floor
on the living room rug.

A core group remains in the living room, Charlie and Diane
on the couch and Caesar next to Calpurnia on the love seat.
Across from them, Hunter S. Thompson lounges in a comfy
chair. Allen Ginsburg sits cross-legged on the floor.
It's like there's nowhere to even
run to anymore, man.


                       HUNTER S.
You're right. It's all one thing,
one machine, feeding constantly so
it doesn't curl up and die.
So what. The last salmon we
broiled glowed in the dark.
Commercials sell a better me every
thirty seconds. And if I don't
buy it? Someone loses their job.
Shit's broken, and it's not like
our "leaders" care about anything
but lap dances and book deals. Now
I'm depressed.
Calpurnia drinks the last of her drink and stands.
Who needs a refill?
Calpurnia looks around for any takers. Caesar looks like
he's about to hand her his cup, but grabs her with his other
hand and playfully pulls her back down on the couch.

He gets up and takes her cup so that he can refill her drink
for her. She smiles.
God, guys. Have a little faith.
Right, Diane? Fuck that, Maria.
Fuck that. Solutions, people,
solutions. Lean in. Apathy's a
fucking wallpaper pattern.
Wouldn't it be fucking brilliant
if people dwelt all day on
solutions rather than problems?
That's counter-intuitive.
You're counter-intuitive! (calmly)
What do you think, Chuck?
Everyone looks at Charlie expectantly. Diane gives Charlie
an apologetic look, seeing that he's been so abruptly put on
the spot. Charlie thinks for a moment.


I've never worked for a machine.
I've worked for some big companies
and they only care about profit.
Which ones?
Diane looks at him waiting for an answer.
                       HUNTER S.
It doesn't matter. They're all
the same.
That's a leap.
Caesar raises his index finger.
I beg to differ.
Diane shews his hand away.
Seriously, it's when they grow
unchecked that they wind up
sending jobs overseas until the
only work left is in their mega-
stores, selling crap made in a
Hey, Diane! That's what you do.
Everybody but Charlie erupts in laughter. Charlie's afraid
he might have blown it.
Hey! I shop at the farmer's
Hunter S. Thompson gets up with a start, seeming more drunk
than before.
                       HUNTER S.
Right! We don't need them! We can
fry our own coffee. We can brew
our own burgers. I gotta piss.


Charlie looks at Diane. Their eyes meet. Her beaming smile
reaussures him. She's not angry at all.
Did I get carried away?
Not at all.
Diane and Charlie are on the front steps of the building.
Diane reaches for her feet.
These jazz-age heels are over.
Diane sits on the steps to take off her shoes.
Come on take a free ride.
Charlie turns around so that Diane can hop onto his back for
a piggyback ride.
No, I couldn't.
Diane tries to climb onto him, but can't quite get on.
Why don't you ... you know ...
get up on the ... and I'll you
Charlie indicates that Diane should climb on the corner of
the stoop so that she can get onto his back. They are both
obviously more than a little drunk.
Calpurnia draws the drapes with her hand, looks through the
window out front to see Charlie and Diane trying to enact
the ridiculous piggybacking.
Come here. Look.


Calpurnia whispers something to Caesar and he takes off
toward the living room.
Diane climbs on the stoop to jump onto Charlie's back. She
just pushes him forward and he stumbles. She falls backward
and plops down on the stoop.
I think we should get a cab.
Charlie offers a hand to help her up. Diane stands and
suddenly her face is very close to his.

They kiss and POPPING sounds can be heard. Confetti
streamers float down onto them like paper snowflakes.

They look up and smile and can hear GIGGLING. The window
closes. Diane wraps her arms around Charlie, hugs him close
and whispers into his ear.
Let's go to your place.
We can't. I haven't got one.
I've been living on the streets
for the past year.
After a pause, Diane laughs. Then, Charlie laughs with her.
I knew it. You live with your mom.
Charlie shakes his head.
That would be impossible.


Are you serious? You're serious.
Charlie wants her to understand he's sincere so he tries to
maintain a straight face.

The absurdity of the situation makes him smile.

Diane mistakes his smile to mean that he's joking. She
Fine. My place then.
ABBA PLAYS as the sun rises in the kitchen window. A half
empty whiskey bottle, soda cans, and glasses litter the

On the stove is a cock-eyed pan of fishsticks. A pile of
burnt ones haven't been touched. Crumbs spill out of the
box onto the counter. Plastic wrapping lays discarded to
the side.

In the living room, a BATTLESHIP game is set up on the
coffee table, the pieces strewn about.

A half-eaten fishstick wrapped in a paper towel and stained
with droplets of hot sauce lays next to the game. Records
are scattered in front of the stereo.

Charlie lies on the couch, his eyes are open in terror.
Diane lies wrapped in a blanket like an Eskimo baby on the

She stirs and sits upright with a jolt. His eyes close. She
opens one eye and looks over at Charlie who looks like he's

She rubs her eyes and tries to free herself from her cocoon.

She gathers up her blanket, hops a couple hops, then sheds
it on the floor. She's still wearing her party dress.

She walks into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. She
comes back through the living room, looks at Charlie, then
heads into her bedroom to get cleaned up.

When Charlie hears the SHOWER start to run, he jumps up and
looks around. On his back, his nametag is stuck to him:
TYLER DURDEN crossed out and BEN BERNANKE almost illegibly


written over it.

He puts on one of his shoes and frantically searches for the
other. He finds it, puts it on, but doesn't tie them, then
grabs his jacket and heads toward the door. He turns the
knob and cracks the door before stopping himself.

He takes a look around the wrecked room and then throws his
jacket on the couch. ABBA REPEATS. Charlie switches the
music off.

He puts away the board game, gathers the trash and goes into
the kitchen to throw it away, then begins to wash the

He shakes his head at the burnt fishsticks. He hesitates,
then throws them into the garbage.

A fresher looking Diane walks into the kitchen in pajama
pants and a t-shirt.

She opens a cabinet and grabs two mugs.
Let me buy you a cup of coffee.
Unless you gotta be somewhere or
That would be nice. How much do
you remember from last night?
She pours some coffee and pushes the cup toward him. She
leans back against the counter. Diane takes a sip.
I remember dancing and I remember
almost burning the house down.
They both smile.
You wouldn't take me home to meet
your mother.
What about you?
I had a great time.


I'd make you breakfast, but I'm
out of everything. You want to
get a bite at the diner down the
I'd love to, but I have some
things I've got to take care of.
I'll take a raincheck though.
Yeah. Definitely.
I was going to hit the art museum
on Tuesday. Would you like to meet
me when you get off work?
Diane nods and takes a sip of her coffee.
Absolutely. Thanks for tidying up
by the way.
It's the least I could do. I
think. I had a great time.
Charlie finishes his coffee.
He puts down his mug in the sink.
Well ... ya know ... Anytime.
Charlie gently takes her cup and places it on the counter.
He kisses her for a long moment, then Charlie breaks away.
So you'll meet me?
Diane seems a little dazed. He begins to walk away, but his
hand lingers on her hip. He's about to walk away when she
pulls him close to kiss him again and plucks the nametag
from the back of his shirt.


Beattie and Eleanor sleep huddled together beneath a
low-hanging tree in a fenced in backyard.

Two slippered feet approach and stop just short of their
faces. The girls continue sleeping.

A loud slurp of coffee rouses Eleanor. Her eyes open,
widening at the sight of the feet in front of her.

She looks up to see the CREEP in a terry cloth robe, holding
a cup of coffee, staring them down.
Eleanor tries to shake Beattie awake. Beattie mumbles in
her sleep. Eleanor keeps at it, but Beattie's eyes remain
      (still half asleep)
I'm sorry!
The creep smiles and bends down.
Sssh. It's alright. Don't be
Beattie's now wide awake. Eleanor and Beattie stay
perfectly still, staring at the strange man.
You girls look cold. You want to
come inside and warm up?
Beattie looks horrified when he says this. She quickly sits
up and Eleanor follows suit.
Naw, that's alright. We'll just
go. Thanks for the offer, though.
Well, I don't mind if you come in,
get warm. I'm a nice man.
We're cool.


Beattie nods.
Yeah. No.
Beattie and Eleanor are on their feet now. They try to
leave, but the creep blocks them.
Well, the way I see it, you slept
here. You kind of owe me. Cause
I sure as shit don't sleep here
for free.
Look. We're leaving alright. Get
the fuck out of our way.
The creep reaches out and touches a lock of Eleanor's hair.
She recoils in disgust.
I don't know.
Beattie swats at the guy's hand. He grabs her wrist and
tries to pull her toward him, but she yanks it free. He
spills a little coffee and licks it off his thumb and steps

The girls back away. He throws their backpacks over his
shoulder and begins to walk toward his house.
Nothin's free, bitches.
Beattie and Eleanor stand there helpless for a moment.
      (over his shoulder)
I'm callin' the cops.
A blinding rage overtakes Beattie. She tears after the guy.
She grabs one bag and starts tugging. He struggles to hold
his coffee steady during the tug of war.

He drops the mug and smacks Beattie with his free hand.

Eleanor, who has been watching, springs into action, jumping
on his back.


Beattie pulls her backpack free and swings it at the creep's
head. His comb-over flips up into a fin. He falls to his
knees and tries to pry Eleanor's arms from around his neck.

Beattie sees her chance and rushes to yank the other
backpack off his arm. She pulls so hard he almost falls on
his face.

He lands a punch. She stumbles backwards, clutching the

Feeling her face, she looks vicious and about to attack
again. She steps toward him, but Eleanor grabs Beattie and
pulls her toward the fence.
Come on.
The creep stands, trying to regain his composure. Beattie
can't help herself and laughs at his hair.

He fixes his hair nervously and searches for a weapon,
settling on the hose at his feet. He picks up the spray
nozzle to open fire on the girls, but they've already hopped
the fence.
You try to help someone. Fuck!
Charlie enters and feigns crossing himself. He's not
Catholic and doesn't know how. He sees Eleanor and Beattie.

He sits next to them.

He sees Beattie's shiner.
What the fuck, Beat?
You're in the house of the lord.
Shut up.
The three of them eat pancakes at a long table with the
parishioners and others seeking a free breakfast. Eleanor
stuffs her face. Beattie pushes her pancake around in the


We bailed. Left that dick holding
his hose.
Charlie stabs at his pancake, shaking his head.
We should go back and finish it.
Charlie looks at her skeptically.
Do not go back there.
I don't see why they can't serve
the pancakes before the sermon. I
was really fuckin' starvin' in
Because they'd be preaching to an
empty house. That's why. (to
Charlie) And I don't remember
asking you anything.
No, you're right. I think you
should go choke the guy with his
Beattie doesn't respond right away. She looks a little
defeated for the first time.
Death would be too good for that
asshole. How was your party?
You shouldn't have been there.
I wasn't.
His yard. You shouldn't have been
sleeping there.
Beattie rolls her eyes.


Well, where did you stay last
Quit playing.
Where the fuck am I supposed to
sleep? At the shelter, somebody
fucks with us every time.
You're a kid. You don't need to
live this way.
What? I don't "need" to live this
way? Then enlighten me. You're
of voting age. You've got it all
figured out, living in an
abandoned house, hiding from cops.
All I'm saying is there are people
who care about you that you
pretend don't exist.
And that girl ... Get laid while
she still thinks you're a human
being. How do you think that will
She's suddenly quiet.
Beattie, I told her.
Eleanor stops eating. Beattie stops fidgeting with her
napkin. They both look up at Charlie. There is a silence at
the table. Charlie blushes a bit. He takes a bite of his
Charlie pours some syrup on his sausage and thinks.


That's some good maple syrup.
Might even be the real thing.
Don't make me cut your dick off.
We had a good time. We're meeting
Tell me everything.
Oh we're friends again. Good. She
smelled nice. She looked pretty.
Beattie and Eleanor impatiently wait for details.
She was a little smashed. I told
her and she thought it was
hysterical. And then this morning
she didn't remember a thing.
      (to Beattie)
He did spend the night.
So you have to tell her again?
I've been thinking about that.
Maybe not.
Beattie looks at Eleanor skeptically.
Charlie walks into the building and talks to the manager
MOS, a lady in her fifties. She looks outside and points
and Charlie looks outside and they shake hands.


Charlie stands on the street corner with a large
arrow-shaped sign that says SHOW ME THE MONEY NICK'S CHECK
CASHING. He tries to flip it, but has some trouble.

Charlie sees a teenager across the street twirling a sign
like a fiend, practically doing backflips while listening to
his headphones, his sign says TOPS DRIVE-THRU LIQUOR.

Charlie tries to emulate the enthusiastic sign twirler, but
his lame efforts are disappointing. He attempts some
tricks, but keeps dropping the sign.

He then just points at it trying to play it cool. People
BEEP at the kid in encouragement and ignore Charlie.

Charlie ends up sitting on the curb reading with the sign
fastened to his backpack.

The manager lady walks up behind him and scolds him MOS. She
points to the kid across the street and motions that Charlie
should be just as animated.

She takes the sign and starts dancing and twirling
surprisingly well for a woman her age. She tries to hand
the sign back to Charlie.

He stuffs his book into his backpack and stares at her
blankly. He shakes her hand and walks away.
Charlie looks for a book. Beattie dances in the aisle
beside him.
That's why I work for myself.
That's what I'm saying.
This kid had some moves on him.
Beattie shakes her head.
It's probably for the better,
Charlie. A pretty guy like you on
a street corner could get in a lot
of trouble. Fuck, man. You've
got a degree. Shouldn't you have
a decent job?


Charlie plucks his book, VICTORY GARDENS, from the shelf.
Well, it would be easier if I
could go back to what I was doing.
But I can't.
That's right, Rock. We're moving
forward here.
Beattie yanks the book from his hand to look at it.
Victory gardens?
During the second world war,
people used city spaces to grow
food. They called them victory
Beattie mockingly opens the book to the table of contents
and runs her finger down the line of topics.
No money trees. Pretty useless.
1500 miles, Beat. That's how far
food travels in this country
before you eat it.
Charlie takes the book back from her.
I'm mostly concerned with the last
She holds out her hand and eyeballs the distance between her
hand and her body. Then she pulls her hand to her mouth
like she's holding a peach about to take a bite.
... two feet.
They walk to the book counter to check out.
Well, that's the most important
part. It's just something I've
been thinking about.


Charlie scans his book.

They leave.
Beattie and Charlie walk out the side exit of the library
and see Arthur sitting on the corner down the street. Arthur
hasn't seen them yet.

Arthur looks down and shakes his head.
I need change.
A well-dressed middle-aged NICE MAN tries to hand Arthur
some change from his pocket.
                       NICE MAN
Here ya go, buddy.
That's not what I meant, sir. I
meant transformation. Not just
changing your underwear, but
full-frontal occipital elevation.
The nice man looks confused. He shrugs
                       NICE MAN
Well, get a bite to eat or
I don't think you get it. If it
were that easy I'd keep a rolled
up bundle of neutrons in my sock.
The nice man's still holding out the change when Arthur
looks down and shakes his head again. The guy puts his
change back in his pocket.
                       NICE MAN
Well. Fuck you then.
The nice man turns and walks away. Beattie and Charlie stop
in their tracks.
Southwest exit?


They walk back into the library before Arthur notices them.
Diane picks through fruit in the produce section, talking
with Abby on the phone.
Abby lays in her bathing suit on a towel next to the pool.
She's on the phone with Diane.

Hey, Abby-pants. What's in
grandma's dumpling recipe again?
I'm fine. Thanks for asking. So
how's it going with Mr. Wonderful?
It's Mr. Fantastic actually and
I'll see him tomorrow.
Diane smiles.
Uh huh.
He's funny and smart and cute.
Sounds promising. D ... You're
not cooking for him are you?
What? Ab, I cook. I cook.
Heating up something you took out
of a box doesn't count.
Diane grabs a box of fishsticks. Her smile widens and she
puts them in her cart.


I've got it all planned. I'll
make the dumplings and some string
squash. Should I make a salad? I
hope he's not allergic to
Well, call him, ask him.
I can't he doesn't have a phone.
Well, that's a little off.
Diane nods. Abby thinks for a second.
It is a little weird, huh.
So he's old-fashioned, really old
fashioned. God knows I've wanted
to ditch my phone before.
Yeah ... yeah.
Well ... I'm sure it doesn't mean
Have you seen his place?
We're not there yet.
If you do, just make sure you
check the fridge.
What for?
Severed heads. And always have an
escape route.


You're sick, Ab. I gotta go.
Kay. Love you. Bye.
Diane puts her phone away and starts pushing her cart down
the aisle.
I cook.
Diane walks briskly through the hallway at her work. Franco
follows her. She holds a stack of files in her arms.
Make sure Donovan get's this stuff
so he's ready for the meeting on
She hands over the files to Franco. She checks her watch.
I have to leave early. I mean on
Look at you, slacking like a pro.
Diane gives Franco an impatient look.
Charlie's nice. I like him.
Diane keeps walking. Franco follows.
Got it. Donovan.
Diane enters her office to grab her coat and bag.
Have fun.
Diane flashes him a forced smile.


Diane and Charlie arrive at different entrances. Both grow
impatient waiting and give up at the same time and in
crossing do not see one another.

They each begin walking back to where they started and are
about to miss each other again, but Charlie sees Diane and
hurries toward her.
Diane, I'm sorry.
Me too.
I forgot about the two doors.
No. It's fine. I didn't know
where to ...
Charlie grabs her hand.
Diane smiles.
Where do we get the tickets?
Tuesday's the free day.
Great. Cool.
They walk into the museum entrance hand in hand.
They enter. The FRONT DESK LADY sees them.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
Charlie looks over his shoulder and sees a man walking
behind them. He assumes the lady is talking to him and
keeps walking.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
I mean you, sir.


Charlie points to himself and looks around furtively.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
Yes, you.
Charlie releases Diane's hand and hesitantly walks toward
the front desk.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
It's eight dollars each.
But I thought today was the free
Diane catches up to Charlie. The lady shakes her head as if
it's a minor inconvenience.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
Oh. It's Thursday now.
The lady looks annoyed like she hopes he won't argue with
her. Charlie looks at Diane, feeling embarrassed.
I guess it's Thursday now.
Diane pulls out her wallet.
      (to the lady)
How much?
The lady gives Charlie a once-over.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
Eight dollars per person. How
Diane pulls the money out of her wallet without a second
You don't have to do that.
Diane doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary, but is a
little impatient with the false starts.
It's done. Let's get in there.


The lady hands them the programs, smiles at Diane and gives
Charlie a condescending look.
                       FRONT DESK LADY
Thank you.
                       CHARLIE AND DIANE
Charlie takes a long breath as they enter the museum.
So, how are you feeling?
Neo-classical or a bit
Let's start in the Renaissance and
work our way up.
The doors of the elevator open. Diane stares at a battle
axe on the wall. She points at it.
How would you like to be on the
business end of that thing?
Charlie feigns a chuckle. Diane notices that he doesn't
really laugh. She starts to look a bit edgy.

They walk toward a painting of a slaughtered goose hanging
on the door of a shed.
Don't want to end up like this
Charlie decides to shrug off his funk, but just nods.
Nope? Okay.
They keep walking and they see a painting of a sailor on a
ship directing cannon fire.
Is it me? Or does that guy kind of
look like your secretary?
Diane doesn't even look at the painting.


Yeah, him. It's uncanny.
The resemblance is remarkable, but Diane refuses to look.
I don't see it.
They enter an open room and get off rhythm with each other.
Diane looks too fast and then Charlie looks too long.

Eventually, they are on opposites sides of the room.

Finally, Charlie catches up to Diane.
Ready for the main event?
(reading the program)
Septic Percussion, an ancestral
movement ...
You're shitting me?
She takes the program from him and reads the rest.
... through a modern canal by Jan
Vinka Swign (pronounced swine).
They look at each other, smile and shrug. They walk
downstairs. A shadow of something large looms over them as
they enter.

They look upward as they descend the staircase. They can't
see the entirety of the massive piece. They see white
plastic leaves attached to plastic branches. When they
reach the landing at the bottom, they stand behind a couple.
                       WOMAN 1
Charlie and Diane look at each other. In front of them, an
enormous tree made of garbage bags blooms sagging diapers
like ripe fruit.

They walk to the next piece that's crowded with people, a
city spray-painted and carved out of toilet paper rolls.


                       MAN 1
It really makes you reevaluate.
                       WOMAN 2
Like we're going about everything
the wrong way.
                       MAN 1
They drift away from the sculpture down a hallway lined with

Each depicts people doing ordinary things while sitting on
toilets: a well-dressed family eats a lavish dinner, a man
drives his car, a pilot flies a plane, all sitting on

Diane and Charlie look a little shell-shocked.
                       MAN 2
Honey, you think we can get a
print? This one's perfect for the
guest bathroom.
Diane and Charlie keep walking toward the last exhibit.
                       WOMAN 3
                       MAN 3
The next sculpture is a paper mache stork straddling a
cradle and defecating a child into existence.

They ascend the stairs. The tree of diapers looms over
them. Diane takes one more look back with a dazed
You ever pass by an open doorway
and see too much and just stare a
little too long?
We'll never get those ten minutes


Diane and Charlie stand outside the front entrance of the
I had planned to make you some
food tonight. But I have to admit
after that, I'm exhausted. I
think I still have an appetite.
Why don't we grab some take out,
maybe some wine, and head over to
my place?
I'm kind of tired too and I have
an early morning.
Well so do I. We can still hang
out. But I gotta eat.
Senior citizens pile out of a tour bus and head to the
museum entrance. A crowd forms around Charlie and Diane.
But I'm not hungry.
An elderly woman meanders between them.
So watch me eat then.
Let's call it a night.
Let's grab a drink then.
Diane makes her way through the people to Charlie. They are
now crowded together rather than apart.
I can't.
I don't get it. What'd I do?
It's just...
Diane waits for him to finish.


What aren't you telling me?
Charlie looks helpless and a little hopeless.
I did tell you.
Diane looks confused and a little pissed.
I don't have money for a drink, or
anything. I'm sorry. I should've
It's okay. I'll treat. You buy
next time. It's fine. God, I
thought it was something serious.
Diane seems relieved, but Charlie seems more distraught.
Diane, I'm really glad I met you.
An elderly gentleman, using a cane approaches them.
                       ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
Are you on your way in or out?
      (ignoring the man)
I should have been honest.
                       ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
In or out?
Out. Okay. We're on our way out.
                       ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
Thank you.
The elderly man hobbles by. Diane takes Charlie by the hand
and looks him in the eye.
Just tell me.
Nothing. Just close your eyes


You're serious?
Diane indulges Charlie and closes her eyes. He takes a deep
breath trying to muster the courage to tell his secret.

He tries to speak, but he doesn't have it in him. He slowly
begins to retreat back into the crowd, then turns and walks
Diane feels the crowd dissipate around her and opens her
eyes. She looks around, but Charlie's gone. She's stunned.
Charlie walks back to his squat. He is very distraught and
distracted. He jumps over the fence.

Two cops are waiting. COP 1 grabs poor Charlie and pushes
him against the wall of the house. Cop 1 spreads Charlie's
legs and cuffs him. The second cop stands watching for any
quick moves from Charlie
                       COP 1
Enjoy your stay?
Cop 1 grabs Charlie by the handcuffs and steers him through
the gate and toward the squad car.
Charlie's been waiting in a holding cell that's over-crowded
all night. People are taken out and put in while he sits on
a bench. A GUARD approaches the bars.
Charles Pinkett
Charlie gets up, follows the guard down the hallway.
No charges were filed against you.
Get your stuff at the desk.


Charlie exits the police station. It's pouring rain. He
pulls up the hood of his jacket and zips his coat. He walks
to the street. He coughs.
Charlie coughs harder as he stands in the long line for a
place in the shelter.
Charlie's laying down in a large room full of small cots.
The room is empty, but fills as the sun goes down. Rest
becomes impossible. Sounds of wheezing and hacking surround