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Cause Your'e a Customer
by jeffrey shepherd (jcsblaq1@aol.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review:

A story of a man who gets robbed by his cab driver on the way to an interview, now he has to work for the same cab company to get his rent money up

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


A fat man 60ish is standing front of a mirror modeling some
leather ass less chaps. MAX a 29 year old SALESMAN is on the
floor. He's very uncomfortable as the man is modeling back
and forth unsure of the outfit.
                       OLD MAN1
      (shaking his head)
I' m not sure if this the right
color for my skin,I don't tan that
      (Looking sick)
NOVELLA in her 40's Hispanic woman the owner of the shop and
Max's girlfriend's mother is looking at Max waving at him to
straighten up and make the sell
      (back to focus)
oh yeah that looks good it goes
well, you still have a little
tanning in the cracks, look will
that be all?
                       OLD MAN1
yes, that's all can I wear these
MAX rushes him out
by all means we'll put it on your
Max turns around to find Novella staring at him angrily
I need to talk to you
they walk past a hall of hanging sex toys and plastic ass
hanging so low they always manage to smack Max in the face.
they get to her office. the office is filled with more sex
toys ,liquids,nighties you name it.


I'm missing 3 dildos and 6 Suzy
Blew do you know what happened to
what, no I don't know what happen
to your dildos
if I find out you been stealing
what do you hear what your saying
      (suspious look)
you know Bad enough I got to come
here every morning and get dong
cocked no pun intended by your
novelty sex toys why do you have
these hanging put them in a box.
like I keep asking you
I do that, then they go missing. I
want them where I can see them.
      (guilty turned to
you know what you got me all this
time you thought I was walking out
of here with an erection, no I was
stuffing dildos down my pants
I knew it!!!
it's not to it's not too late for
me you know I dealt with you and
running this hell whole for over
10 years
what you going to do go back to
school become that lawyer you was
going to be before you got my


                       NOVELLA (cont'd)
daughter pregnant and dropped out.
it's not to late. Jashon is a
little older now
you been working for me since you
were 18, now your 29. you'll be
here all your life working for me.
Sponging off me
yeah that was my plan get your
daughter pregnant, quit school and
instead of being a lawyer, I'll
work in a perverted sex toy shop
be grateful all your good for is
stocking ass ticklers, which is
another subject
Max takes off his sex sales apron and condom hat
really you think so. I quit I'm
going back to school. I'm getting
my degree then I'll be back to
shine it in your faces
Max walks out the office through string of hang rubber
dildos and out the door
                       NOVELLA (O.S.)
Max is in a quiet waiting room with magazines on the table.
MRS. WILSON a women secretary is sitting at her desk
listening to her IPOD while the phone is ringing, she
ignores it

Across the room there is glass door with a shadow figure of
a man going back and fourth on the phone. MAX is sitting in
a rather small uncomfortable seat dressed in a dark blue
suit eagerly awaiting a decision

MAX picks up a magazine. The title reads ELEPHANT


magazine upside down

The door opens and for seconds nothing happens, then a voice
calls fom the other room
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
      (yelling to the
       other room)
yes come in please
Max walks into the office. There is a man sitting there at
his desk in suit he reaches to shake Max hand
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Hello Max John Wackoff,please to
Nice to meet you Mr. Wackoff
My pleasure as well sir,I brought
a copy of my
Mr. Wackoff grabs the paper walks around his desk and
towards a door in his office.He opens the door to a private
bathroom. He pulls his pants down and sits on the toilet
while reading his resume.
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
mmm interesting. You have your
degree at St. John very good
sounds of farts and crap dropping
      (feeling awkward)
Mr. Wackoff suddenly takes Max resume and wipes his ass with
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
that's what I think of resume's
you should have told me I would've
put it on toilet paper
Max burst out laughing.


Mr. Wackoff puts his pants on. MAX walks over by the sink
but Mr. Wackoff walks right out the door to his desk.
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
what are you here for Max. Are you
here to make me successful Max.
By all means
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
good I need you to learn to be a
good liar.
you lawyer sir?
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
I know what I said you I know you
know the law but I have bills to
pay I need to win cases
well I can I lie like my it smells
nice in here, what kind of lemon
pledge does you cleaning lady use
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
you got it congratulations
I got the job
                       MAX (slowmotion)
      (shakes hands with
       him excited but
       quickly notice)
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Now it's very important that
you be here at 9:15 A.M
Yes sir 9:15
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Listen to me; if you're not here
at 9:15 A.M don't bother to come.
We don't usually hire someone who
just graduated


Yes sir I really appreciate this
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
well welcome to the team Max
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Mr. John is fine
I won't let you down
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Good, Mrs. Wilson did I get
any calls
                       MISS. WILSON
Not in the last hour
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
He walks back in the office. The phone rings again she sits
there staring at
Max again as he gets in the elevator. There's a lady
drinking a big bottle of water, Max grabs it out her hand
and pours in all over his hands
Max is trying to hail a taxi. He takes out his cell phone to
make a call to his best friend Bootleg 32, works at the zoo
as an Feces Maintenance Technician
there's a crowd of people held back in a roped off area. One
particular family are standing together holding a woman up

BOOTLEG hears his cell phone A rapper RINGTONE playing SHAKE
THAT ASS BABY a woman is standing next to him with her kids,
she quickly move away
Ay yo what's up man this is a bad
time man


What happened?
Can't talk, tell you when you get
here, Are you on your way?
Yeah man, I 'm hailing a cab
How did the interview go?
Good I got the job. I will start
at the firm next week, but
tomorrow will seal the deal. I'm
in, so after my meeting we
oh that's great man
Look let me catch this cab
Ok, see you when you get here
Max hangs up and hails a cab. A cab with the letters QUICK
CAB stops.

Max gets in the cab.
To the zoo please
                       CAB DRIVER
That will be $10.75 sir.
Max pulls out a change purse and starts counting change.

Oh and here is your tip


                       CAB DRIVER
Fifth-teen cent, what is this the
The cab driver violently throws his change back at him.
                       CAB DRIVER
I can't wipe my ass with this
You need to wipe some
speed stick under your arms when
you throw that change i can smell
all that
                       CAB DRIVER
out of my cab asshole, get out of
my cab.
cab driver speeds off. Max walks until he gets to where
Bootleg's at
Crowd looking on the roped area at the glass leopard cage
and the family is still crying while BOOTLEG is trying to
console them
What happened man?
Larry went and got drunk lunch
time when he came back he was so
drunk went in to clean the cage
without checking
don't tell me
Ate his ass like the last supper
and now I'm just waiting
for what?
I just gave him a laxative. This
should be quick, The family wants
to keep the remains.
In what?


Bootleg picks up a urn
In this?
Man is you for real? Well handle
your business so we can go
Soon as he does his I think he's
going now
The leopard starts taking a dump, the back door opens and
the leopards go inside. Goatey enters the cage and proceeded
to scoop up Larry who is now leopard shit in an urn.

The family is outside watching and crying louder as Larry is
being shovel into the urn. Goatey comes out holding it and
there is shit on the side of it

he wipes it on his uniform and gave it to them
Sorry for your lost. Here he's
kind of heavy
O.S. The sounds of flies
the family take the urn and proceed out
      (Yelling to them)
Let me know when the funeral?
You not, I know you going to
change that.
I didn't bring a change of
Damn you really fucking up, come
They start walking to the bus stop, Goatey takes out his
cell. There is a picture of angry woman
Yo, man Charmaina sent me a text
from Florida.


Goatey she left you two guys
ago,had five kids, three by one
guy, two by the other, six years
ago, let it gooooo!
She still is sending me a picture
Goatey cell shows a pic of a woman putting up a middle
Okay one you really need help and
two they are not going to let us
on the bus with the shit, I mean
Larry stain on you.
It's cool, man.
They reach the bus stop two other people are there
You know we getting thrown off
Man watch this
The bus stops 2 people got on first. Goatey and Max follows.
the door closed, then it immediately opens with Max and
Goatey flying down the stairs.
                       BUS DRIVER
Get off my damn bus
The door shuts and the bus pulls off
I told you they wasn't letting us
Then we'll catch a cab
They both hail down a cab one pulls over. Max carefully
looks inside


They in front of a their house where Max and Goatee are
renting rooms CAB DRIVER 2 turns to the back seat
21 Elm St.
                       CAB DRIVER 2
That's 22.50
Max and Goatey both pull out change purses and starts
Okay I got dimes and nickels
I'll count up the quarters
The cab driver is aggravated. They get out and walk to the
front door. Max puts keys in and opens the door
There's an old recliner chair and a table with a lamp and
mail on it
PEACHES THE LANDLORD is vacuuming under a chair She's
wearing see thru spandex with huge funny color underwear Max
quickly closes the door
Oh shit, Peaches is here and she
vacuuming that means she searching
for here rent.
Well, I'm good.
Well I'm not, not until tomorrow I
got to get that job first then I
can borrow it from moms.At least
she'll know I'm able to pay it
Well let's go in while she still
got her back turned


They open the door PEACHES under the chair shaking from
off and gets up. She sees Max and GOATEY trying to sneak in
Well, well Hey Max baby how you
feel today
She grabs Max by the nuts hard.
Peaches hey
So you got that job yet
Yeah it went well tomorrow I
Or we can take care of the rent
another way
I'm down for whatever
Please food stamp boy have my
rent.Yeah I'm going to have you
one of these days.
She grabs Max in a tight hug Goatey holding her from the
Oh no you did not
O.C. loud scream Peaches whipping Goatee's ass while Max
sneak in his room
Max turns on the light and T.V., takes his cell out to call
his son JASHON.
JASHON is sitting at the table doing his homework when he
gets a ring


What's up big poppa
Hey dad!
How's my little man
Hey I thought I was big poppa
Oops my bad
                       CHRISTINA (O.S.)
Jashon who you talking to when you
should be studying
      (Yelling to her)
Ah no one, just dad
                       CHRISTINA (O.S.)
I want to talk to him
      (Yelling to her)
                       JASHON (cont'd)
I hate it here
Yeah…I know man I miss my family
Doesn't feel like family anymore
Well you know son families come in
many different forms, Ours is
number 16 in the family book
whatever that is God don't make No
mistakes we suppose be here,
family still family
Family still family
Family still family


                       MAX (and)
Family they should name it Damily
So dad you coming to career day
wow that's tomorrow, is was hoping
I'd be a lawyer by today but I
have a third interview tomorrow.
So I'll be over to announce it
I knew you was going to do it you
got your degree and showed
just hope they hire me
they will, beside I already told
them your a lawyer
ok then I won't let you down
CHRISTINA snatch the cell out of Jashon's hand along with
NOVELLA standing next to her
Novella snatch the cell out her hand
What do you want
Hi Christine, Noseyella
You going to stop calling me
Nosella , Dead beat Dad
      (Yelling at her)
Hey wicked witch of the east did
you get 24 pack of Poland Spring
share it with your sister


hey what happen lawyer
don't worry I got this so stick
Christine takes the cell back
Mama I got this
Why can't to say hello to my son
without all this
He's doing his homework any way.
You wanted to go fulfill your
dreams. Me I stayed the rest of
the 2 years raising him.
only 2 years I didn't want to work
for your mother all my life. I did
what you want , it was time to be
my own man
what about me
I did what you want you wanted me
out I got to do what I gotta do
She hangs up
Max hangs his cell up and prays before going to sleep
Early morning The sun is peeking thru 4 broken shades, The
alarm clock rings
Max gets out of bed. He looks out the door to make sure the
bathroom is clear He gathers the stuff he needs soaps, tooth
paste, towel, and wash cloth.
The door opening. He runs to the bathroom.
A BIG MAN is closing the bathroom door


      (banging on the
Let me get in there man I gotta
get to an interview
Max is pacing, He walks back to his room and close the door
O.C. door opening
THE BIG MAN going in his room. Max goes running in the
bathroom. He quickly comes running out He runs back to his
room door
(slow motion)He comes out in with 8 thick incense swing
like Conan

Max in his room. He is dressed ready to go. He opens the
door REHAB REG standing in the hall. He sweating and dirty
                       REHAB REG
      (Phony laugh,
       street slang)
Wassup mizaxx, dam baby what's
good? Where you headed man
Interview, when did you get out?
                       REHAB REG
An hour ago, so are you going to
be out all day?
Max eyebrows rise
You know what I'll be back.
Max goes back into his room and get an envelope underneath
his mattress that says RENT MONEY he takes it and leaves
The GHETTO GREETERS are practicing their lines and opening
the door

Max is trying to get in the store


                       GHETTO GREETERS
      (dual dialogue,
Good morning nice day today
Max gets in the store, Max gets what he needs and goes to
the counter
                       COUNTER PERSON
Ok, that will be 4.31 .69 is your
O.C.(echo) change dropping in Max hands the bums quickly
perk up. Max comes out the store
                       GHETTO GREETERS
Excuse me sir can you spare some
of that change
they start doing tricks, dancing. Max throws the change up
in the air and starts running he gets around the corner when
he sees a CAB DRIVER getting ready to get in his cab

Max is running for the cab
Wait I need a cab stop
The cab driver quickly gets in the cab Max jumps in.
Whew glad I caught you, listen I
need a ride downtown
the same guy in the driver seat. CAB DRIVER 2 is in the cab
having lunch when this ROBBER gets in the back seat.
                       CAB ROBBER
How you doing today
                       PAT THE CAB
sorry I'm on lunch
                       CAB ROBBER
Oh don't let me stop you just hand
over your cash


a guy is in the back seat holding a gun
                       PAT THE CAB
Ah man don't shoot I just got on
all I got is $26
                       CAB ROBBER
$26 gets out of the cab
                       CAB ROBBER (cont'd)
1st Pop the trunk
The cab driver pops the trunk open CAB DRIVER and ROBBER
walk to the back closely
                       CAB ROBBER
Get in
the robber pistol whips him

O.S.: (yelling) Wait I need a cab stop
Max gets in the cab
Whew glad I caught you, listen I
need ride downtown
                       CAB ROBBER
Listen, I'm on lunch and I was
going to use the
Ok I know what this is about it
that change thing the other day
Well I got money today see that.
Max shows an envelope with rent money in it, the robber
Yeah that's right I can leave you
at least a dollar tip today two
                       CAB ROBBER
      (Looking in the
For you of course


The robber drives to a quiet spot he pulls out a gun
                       CAB ROBBER (cont'd)
You know what I'm going to need my
tip right now.
Oh ok, dam you guys are real
touchy about your tips
He throws up two dollars.
                       CAB ROBBER
All of it let's go before I give
you some heavy metal tips
Max throws the rest of the money up front
That's my rent
                       CAB ROBBER
Shut up and get in the trunk… wait
don't move until I get around the
The robber runs out of the cab. Max starts chasing him down
the street Max trips over garbage cans and tears his jacket

the robber hears his fall and turns around and starts
chasing Max

Max starts running back to the cab. He gets in the cab and
speeds off
Wow good move chase a man with a
gun Oh shit, my third interview
I'm late
He drives the cab to the office
He sees them leaving and pulls in front of Mr. Head and the
PARTNERS with his suit torn up.


      (Heavy breathing)
I got robbed on the way here so
shall we?
The Partners keep walking
Mr. Head listen I worked really
hard to get this interview
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Max is standing there in a torn suit, and defeated look

He walks back to the cab
O.S. Max hears the DISPATCHER
                       DISPATCHER DAN (O.C.)
Pat, where are you I have a pick
up at the mall
Max picks up the two-way.
Pat just robbed me
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Who is this?
Max Jenkins
                       DISPATCHER DAN
When did I hire a Max Jenkins
You didn't Your cab driver robbed
me now someone owes me some money.
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Are you driving?
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Can you do a pick up at the mall?


No, I can't do a pick up at the
mall Listen where is your office?
                       DISPATCHER DAN
It's on 36 Martin Luther King
the cab pulls into the office parking lot. 5 or 6 cabs are
parked He gets out the cab and starts to walking to the
dispatch office
O.C. noise coming from the trunk
Max runs over opens the trunk and PAT THE CAB DRIVER comes
out and furiously walks over to DAN THE DISPATCHER
                       PAT THE CAB
I quit this mother shitting job
                       DISPATCHER DAN
      (Correcting his
Mother fucking job
                       PAT THE CAB
Dam you ass fuck, shit
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Really Pat you been in this
country this long and you still
don't curse Properly in a sentence
                       PAT THE CAB
Kiss my tokas
                       DISPATCHER DAN
That's better
Pat takes his hot plate and walk off
DISPATCH DAN is a trans gender who still has a heavy voice.
He's dressed in tight skirt and hairy legs

he's at his desk filled with hundreds of pieces of paper.
He's screaming at some cab driver name OTIS. OTIS is a 65
year old who's hard of hearing and smokes a lot of weed


                       DISPATCHER DAN
OTIS where are you?
                       OTIS (O.S.)
I'm a at the town hall
                       DISPATCHER DAN
The mall I said, they been waiting
an hour, please hurry
he turns to Max. Max looks in ultimate shock
                       DISPATCHER DAN
how can I help you?
                       OTIS (O.C.)
Ok I'm putting it on my GPS where
in Jersey
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Please hurry please hurry not
Jersey my God, how can I help you
Who was that in the trunk?
                       OTIS (O.C.)
If you want me to hurry you got to
give me the Jersey directions
                       DISPATCHER DAN
The mall, hurry to the mall
                       OTIS (O.C.)
Ok so cancel Jersey?
DISPATCH DAN turns down the 2-way
                       DISPATCHER DAN
How can I help you
who robbed me? I need answers
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Yeah it's been happening lately
can't catch him


So what now I lost a job, a
potential job My rent is due and
your cab company robbed me, man I
can't sleep with Peaches
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Wait one we didn't rob you. It was
definitely an outside job. Two, I
can use a driver if you need you
make some quick money
I can't drive a cab
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Come on I can use the help
                       OTIS (O.C.)
Okay I just got on the George
Washington Bridge
                       DISPATCHER DAN
See what I'm dealing with?
No that's ok
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Have a nice time driving Miss
Max in the cab. He's pulling out of the cab garage. He
notices the cab is a really dirty red rose color with
letters QUICK CAB on the sides
      (Feeling the
This cab is dirty man nobody is
going to want to ride in this
O.C. TWO-WAY noise
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Hey what's your name anyway?
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Ok Max your Cab 16. Take it to the
car washes 1st then go over on
Overton turnpike. After that I


                       DISPATCHER DAN (cont'd)
want you to pick up a couple of
guys up on 223 Lantern St. They
are heading to the gym over at the
Sunnydale Mall then you'll pick
them back up in an hour, you got
Yeah go over to Overton for the
wash, then Sunnydale Mall, and
then pick up
                       DISPATCHER DAN
No man, write it down, there
should be couple of pads under the
Max looks under the seat and pulls out the pads
Ok go ahead
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Charge them $15 and 2 dollars for
every person
Max pulls into the car wash. He gets out the cab and the
guys starts working on it He walks in and gives the guy the
ticket at the cash register. The Cab comes out in time nice
and shiny. Max gets in and drives off
Max blows the horn, a hot looking WOMAN walks out (slow
She gets on a motorcycle and speeds away. 4 over 300 Pd.
people come walking out the door toward the cab
The door opens and the 1st MAN huge butt cheeks are seen
trying to squeezes inside.
                       2ND MAN
Come on man you taking all day


                       1 ST MAN
Shut up Yo, Edward help him me
He squeezes in the back Everyone is the cab over crowded.
The biggest one in front with Max and he's almost out the
Ok so you're going to the
Sunnydale Mall?
      (on the ground)
Ok that will be $15 plus twenty
                       2ND MAN
Don't forget to pick us up in an
hour, hour and a half.
Looking forward to it
Max hears his cell phone ringing.
Hey jay what's going on little
Hey dads are you still coming to
my school for career day?
Max that's today… that's today of
course I'm coming right now
Yeah they're putting Lester's dad
in your place. So please hurry.
Coming right now, son
Max hangs up and heads to the school

on the way there is a guy selling lettering shirts on the
side of the highway. Max buys one and speeds off


Max parks gets out and changes his rip shirt into a long
t-shirt shirt with a girls body in a bikini on with no head
      (talking to self)
what the, man what did you buy
THE TEACHER is at her desk. All the kids eyes are up front.
A MAN LESTER'S DAD is standing in front and on the side of
the classroom a shopping cart filled with crap to sell
                       MRS FONTANE
A now we will hear from Lester's
Dad, say's here He's a
She looks at her notes
                       MRS FONTANE
The class room claps as he roles his shopping cart out to
the center
                       LESTER'S DAD
Hello, my name is Lester Myles
Some of you might remember me as
lessee less rapper from the 80's
No response from the class
                       LESTER'S DAD (cont'd)
I sold one record "In the flesh
lessee less in the flesh.
No response from the class.
                       LESTER'S DAD
Well ever since the record label
refused to sign me and security
threw me out, while I was on the
stairs picking up my cds he pulls
out a cigarette
                       MRS FONTANE
Um sorry no smoking


                       LESTER'S DAD
Hold on darling just trying to
make a point don't get your thong
all bunched up.
Teacher (looking inappropriate)
Lester dad holding up a cigarette
                       LESTER'S DAD
I said yo I only got 2 more left.
That man said to me I'll pay for
it it inspired start my own
He starts passing out cigarettes to the kids.
                       LESTER'S DAD
Now don't you smoke those until
you get in like 7th grade I
believe it's the 7th now any way
I'm lessee les the loosey man I
sell bootleg and loosey's.
The panicky teacher snatches the cigarettes out of the kid's
hand, One kid is examining an xxx video.
                       LESTER'S DAD
Careful with that, that's a hot
seller, any ways you can catch me
at the bodegas or call I'll get
to you that's just a bike cycle
                       MRS FONTANE
Well thank you, Mr. Lester for
your presentation, class take a
few minutes while I thoroughly
interview our next guest.
The teacher grabs Max by the arm and pulls him out the room.
                       MRS FONTANE
What do you do?
What do you mean?
                       MRS FONTANE
It's career day! What do you do
for a living?


Well I'm not working right now,
I was supposed to be a lawyer
this morning and that fell through
I got robbed by the cab driver so
now I'm not going that
                       MRS FONTANE
so let;s get this straight your at
career day without a job?
                       MRS FONTANE
wow this get's better. So what are
you doing here?
I just got a job, I forgot I'm a
                       MRS FONTANE
You forgot you're a cab driver
decent enough did you see what I
just had? Ok just come on. You
might need to get off drugs and
find a nice bible base church
She pulls Max into the class room
Ok quiet down I want to introduce
our next guest It's Jason's dad
Mr. Jenkins
Max walks to the front and the class starts laughing at his
                       MRS FONTANE
      (reading from
Quiet down says he's a cab driver
                       STUDENT 1
I thought you said he was a big
time lawyer
Everyone in class starts laughing


A cab driver, you went on your
school to become a cab
driver? What happen to the
lawyer we was going to show
Short story man I got robbed on
the way there?
You got robbed on the way there,by
The cab driver
that's not how that works; people
usually rob the cab driver. And
why do you want to work there
I don't want to work there
man.It's just for now you gotta
get back to class. I love you
Are you picking me up?
Yeah ok
                       MRS FONTANE
Ok next we have Joey's Mead's dad.
oh says he's a film star. very
good class let's give a warm
welcome to Mr' Mead
JOEY MEAD'S DAD a muscular man wearing a tight loud gym
outfit walks to the front of the class
                       JOEY MEAD'S DAD
Hi I'm Joey Mead dad Gerod Mead,
And I'm the start in 5 nationwide
porn film


                       LESTER'S DAD
I know you I sell your movies on
bootlegs'. President Bad Cock "O"
hedaBoma" "It's Baloney at the
Top"is selling huge
Teacher keels over ready to faint
                       DISPATCHER DAN
CAB 16 Where are you?
I'm waiting on you to give me a
call man.
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Well here it is, go to 39 Roswell
Where is that?
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Down in the village it's in a
gated area on the north side.
You're picking up 2 people; one is
going to 1694 Linden Ave The other
one is going to Chappell Hill Blvd
at the Mercedes Dealership. You're
going to collect $12 from the one
going to Linden Ave and $6 for the
guy going to the dealership. You
got that?
Yeah I got it. I'm writing it
      (talking to self)
1694 Linden Ave why that sounds
so familiar sounds like where
Christine works
MAX cell phone rings Goatee has a sandwich in his hand
sharing with a monkey
Yo man where you at?
driving a cab


You what… driving a cab! Why are
you driving a Cab? Why are you not
sitting in a lawyer's office, not
facing a charge but charging
people facing charges?
I got robbed on the way to the
interview by the Cab driver so I
was too late to make it.
You got robbed by the cab driver
Well how much did he charge
He wasn't the real cabdriver, he
was the robber who robber the
original cab driver and pretended
to be The original cab driver
that's how I got robbed at gun
Yo man I'm almost at my
destination I'll call you later
Max hangs up.
Max looking in his rear view mirror,
a man and a woman come out of the door.

It's CHRISTINE his baby mama
and her new boyfriend RODERICK.
      (talking to self)
Oh shit it is Christine; I can't
let her see me like this. I'll
pull off… no I'll be fired


Max looks around in the glove compartment he see a pair of
Rayon sun glass, he looks at the seat covers

The two of them get in the cab
Max has the cloth over his head and wearing the glasses
disguised like and Arab but speaks with the wrong accent
      (latino accent)
Jello to you and ju I am Migue
what are you?
Mexican, Arab… my parents met on
the border of Mexico and Pakistan
So who gets out first
She's going to Linden Ave to
I know where she works
Max catches himself and pretends he's talking on a blue
tooth. He starts driving her to work
So am I going to see you tonight?
Tonight, nah I have to fly over
to Japan I won't be back until
Wow Japan that would be nice if
me and you would go. Maybe, you,
I and my son can go on one of your
trips you don't have to pay for
him. I'll pay his way
Cab almost hit something and swerve,they both fly over to
the right
Hey watch it. Your son, no you
don't have to do that money is
nothing to Me… next time ok.


Yeah I always wanted a better
life want to travel instead I got
hooked with that old dreaming ass
dead beat of a dad.He think he
gonna be a lawyer
They fly over to the left cab knocks over a homeless man
shopping cart

Max is looking at him touching all over Christine in the
rear view mirror.

Slams on the brakes at a green light their heads hit the
back seat
Maybe his luck bad he probably
need church.
Roderick notice he stopped
Man you just stop at the green
Sorry I'm new to the custom
What happen to your accent?
max stops hard and bumps his head
Well we are here.
So call me before you leave
They try to share a kiss
Oh your bleeding
She gets out and Max pulls off
(O.S.) cell phone ring
Roderick picks up his cell phone
Hey baby, dam I left my phone in
the cab last night. Yeah Dave is
doing ok he's had pneumonia here I
am doing all this rushing around I


                       RODERICK (cont'd)
forgot my cell...this cab driver
just brought it to me I figured I
take the taxi in to work I stayed
overnight to make sure he was ok
                       RODERICK (more)
Glad you made it home ya'll made
it home...I miss you too. I'll be
home. kiss that little girl of
mine good night if I'm late. I
love you
That's $18 for ju my friend.
Roderick hands him a $20 bill and gets out the cab. Max
drives off

RODERICK'S BOSS walks over to him
                       RODERICK'S BOSS
Are you late again man? Mr. 50
says you detailed his Benz but
you didn't vacuum. Screw up again
your fired
Yeah sorry I forgot, how about I
forget not to fire you let's go
get it done in 15 minutes.
Max is in the cab counting his money where the cabs hangout
An OLD WOMAN is being turn down for a ride from a cab driver
She walks up to another cab and he say's no and just sits
Max is outraged they would turn her down ,so he pulls next
to her
Excuse me old lady are you ok?
                       OLD LADY PROST
We'll I'm just trying to get


Say no more get in.
                       OLD LADY PROST
Oh thank you so much. Can we go
to the corner of Main St and
Carver Ave.?
Any where you want to go
You know what this one is on me.
                       OLD LADY PROST
Oh how sweet
Max smiles as he starts on his route
You look like a very nice old lady
sort of like the grandma
                       OLD LADY PROST
Ah there's no problem baby. You
can always have me If that what
you like
She was wrestler "Malicious Man
eater Melody"She was a UFWW champ
in 1935
a crowd is cheering- his grandma getting ready to fight for
the championship
THE ANNOUNCER in the middle of the ring talking out of a
In this corner, she's a terrifying
defeat of terror, she knows to
break bones they call her "Vicious
crowd cheers for the Verna


And the corner over here we have
defending her title as Queen of
pro Wrestling UFWW 1935 MALICIOUS
the bell rings and they run at each other
Back to: Max in the cab
                       OLD LADY PROST
Malicious wow she was a big
attraction back then good to know
she still alive?
MAX is pulling up to a sleazy hotel
Ok this is where you live?
                       OLD LADY PROST
Yeah if you want to call it that,
it's where I make a living now
here are the rules. When we go in
together, you pay the man for The
room And you give him the amount
forhow long you want it for
                       OLD LADY PROST
50 dollars if you want your dick
sucked 82 dollars to fuck, I don't
do it in the but anymore but if
you got 16 more dollars we can
work most people like my butt
I would like your butt out of here
I didn't know I was giving you a
ride like that
                       OLD LADY PROST
First of all I'm an Entrepreneur
You mean entreprewhore
                       OLD LADY PROST
You got me all the way out here so
either we going to fuck or you
giving me my money And you can


                       OLD LADY PROST (cont'd)
look at it, I want my money.
Listen Harriet Tubman I'm not
buying none today, or am I giving
you money. The lady takes her leg
and starts beating Max with it.
                       OLD LADY PROST
Give me my money, give me my damn
money Daddy George, Daddy George
A OLD PIMP dressed in a loud suit and feather hat. He's
waving his Kane
                       OLD PIMP
What's the problem?
They both try chasing him around the cab. Max jumps in the
cab and drives off
Crazy ass bitch and 1970 pimp
that's it, need a break;
MAX pulls into 7-11. He pulls in the spot next to a cab and
walks in.
The CAB DRIVER who threw the .15 at him the day before is
making coffee

Max hurrying to the other side of the isle the cab man walks
down his isle

Max pretends he's looking at a box of tampons
The cab man passes by and walks out.

Max makes his move to go to the register.
                       STORE CLERK
Ok we have a box of tampons, and
can of dog food That will be
$13.47, sir
Max pays and leaves he gets in the cab and breathe a sigh of

CRAZY JOE the other cab appears in his side window


Man what you want from me
                       CRAZY JOE
So you work for us now? 1st you
cheated me out a tip Now you
trying to take my customers
No man
                       CRAZY JOE
Been here 23 years My name is
crazy Joe stay out of my way
Crazy Joe throw .15 at him and leaves
                       DISPATCHER DAN (O.S.)
Max cab 16 I got calls
Cab 16 go ahead
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Go back to the mall and pick up,
they are going back to 223 Lantern
got it
                       1 ST MAN
Man that's was a good work out
                       2ND MAN
Who wants some raspberry swirls?
                       1 ST MAN
Double tubs, double tubs
everyone is chanting
He sees the same girl pull into the driveway.

MUSIC is playing (LOVE JONES) the record scratch
                       MAX PENIS (O.C.)
Hey man, we need to talk. I know
you notice me


what who is that?
                       MAX (O.C.)
It's your erection
man not now
                       MAX PENIS
We are spending way to much time
together. Especially last Saturday
I thought I was getting beat by
the young Mike Tyson
Okay, okay what do you want me to
                       MAX PENIS
What do you want me to do? How
her instead of me every morning
ok go away or something
                       MAX PENIS (O.C.)
Good luck
A girl name SCOODA walks over to the cab
Are you ok
Yeah yeah, So you're a biker
huh,you look like a biker
I mean, not hairy tattooed fat guy
biker, like nice hair,um you have
nice hair, can I start over
My name is Scooda
My name is Max


So you ride?
Ah actually I know nothing about
I don't really ride as much
anymore thanks for being on time
with picking up my dad. I got to
go in the house now
Um listen are you married,
engaged, divorced, single cheating
on someone
too busy, I work and then I go see
my son on the weekends.
well I'm taking my son to the
street fair this Saturday.
let's say we have a play date?
I don't see why not call me
Max takes his cell to put it in
Max hurries and puts it in his cell as she runs in the house
                       DISPATCHER DAN (O.C.)
Max where are you?
Max gets back on the 2-way
I just drop off the last address


                       DISPATCHER DAN
Ok, go to N. Wilson Ave and pick
up Mrs. Clarendon She's going to
the mall. Before you take her to
the mall,pick up at Jerry Ville
auto parts he's going to the mall
also, charge them both $15
Ok I got it
Max is at the MRS. CLARENDON address (blows horn)

MRS. CLARENDON a women in her 50's, very well dressed with
nice looking jewelry,looks out the door. She comes out with
a small dog and gets in the cab
Good afternoon young man. I'm
going to the SUNNYDALE Mall quiet
fluffy he's a good man
Ok I just have to pick someone up
going that way
will do
The cab pulls into the auto parts store.

The AUTO WORKER gets in the cab with an IPod on
                       AUTO WORKER
Ay yo I'm going to the Mall
Max pick up the 2-way
Ok got ya, I got two people going
to the Mall
                       AUTO WORKER
Ah yeah this my shit, my (beep)
hit switches in bitches, That will
make their toes curl like houses
falling on witches,so get your
stitch kit, I'm about to
hit the (beep), I'll make your
stomach jitterish, sexvival of
fitness,Mother (beep) like to talk
a lot how they can lick your
(beep) like a lollipop, I'll


                       AUTO WORKER (cont'd)
(beep) and give you 50 bitch
Mrs. Clarendon shocked as Max puts hand on head
                       DRUNKEN GUY
      (sing intoxicated)
Bye, bye Miss American pie, drove
my Chevy to the levy But the levy
He throws up and starts crying
                       DRUNKEN GUY
The levy was dry, oh why was it
                       LOUD LADY
      (on the cell)
What the fuck do you mean you
already did the Dishes? When I
tell you do something you do it,
put you brother on the phone I
said put your dam brother on the
phone,who the hell told you to go
through my things. And lock my
door Hey man you know where you
Yes I do but could you
                       LOUD LADY
Not you asshole the cab driver, I
said the dam cab driver
Max picks up a CRAZY LADY she gets in the cab and puts on a
aluminum foil hat
                       CRAZY LADY
Planet zephyr
Max is at Jashon's school. He pulls into the parking lot


Jay, Jashon over here
Jashon sees him and walks over to him
Hey dad
You got everything including your
math book?
      (trying to rush)
Got it
Jashon gets in the back seat and slumps down
Get in the front Jashon
no that's ok
What's the matter?
The kids kept calling me a liar
and they kept whistling the Theme
from "taxi"
Sorry little man I thought I had
the job but I really did get
robbed Do what I have to do to get
by we be fine, you trust me
Everyone's job is important


What's this green stuff on my
Jashon sneakers have throw-up on it
ah man
They pull into a car wash. Max and Jashon are cleaning out
the cab and themselves

They arrive at Jashon's street but drive past the house
Ok little man, give me a kiss
Thanks dad I love you
Love you too Jay
Jashon get out the cab and makes his way to the door, his
mother opens it before he reaches it
Who was you with, in the cab boy?
It was dad he picked me up from
school.He made cab driver drive me
The cab driver, huh go up stairs
and clean up your room before you
do your homework
(Christine looks of inquiry)
Some guys are waiting in line to turn in their book. Max
goes in the back of the line
                       CAB 3
So what did you book?


I did good I booked $500 in one
day not bad
                       CAB 3
Not, bad you must be new
CAB DRIVER 4 a hard looking lesbian lines up behind Max.
                       CAB DRIVER 4
How you doing
Oh hey I'm Max
                       CAB DRIVER 4
How you doing, I'm Penelope
      (looking hard)
Nice to meet you
Max is next to turn in his book
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Let's see what we have here.
Oh $500. Let's see the cab lease
is half
                       DISPATCHER DAN
So that's $250 and 15% for the
dispatcher Did you fill it with
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Well you got to put the gas in
Dan hands him money back. Max takes out $65
$65 back where I started


                       DISPATCHER DAN
You can take the cab home and try
tomorrow The earlier you start the
more you make. It's all in your
hustle my friend.
Max walks off with his keys but then he's stopped by
Listen you want to make $5000
$5000 hell yeah
Me and the wife over there are
trying to get pregnant
A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN with a bad sexy body is waving at Max
Oh you want me to have sex with
her $5000 that's easy I'll do that
for you
Actually she can't carry but I can
So what do you need like and
artificially Insemination?
Well no you get to have sex with
me. That way we get the real
feeling of the pregnancy
Yeah no I have a very low sperm
count, Really low in fact the doc
says I only have 1,200 sperms
left. And I got into a real fight
with this midget he went right for
it and smoke way too much weed
Ok thank you
Otis walks up to the dispatcher last on line


                       DISPATCHER DAN
Otis you have an airport run
tomorrow, be there at 9am here I
wrote it down.read it so you won't
F this up.you booking out ?
no I'm working late
Dan hands Otis a envelope
                       DISPATCHER DAN
are you stoned?
my allergies,ok I'll be there
tomorrow I won't F it up
Otis turns and walks away.Dan pulls a big bottle of scotch
out of the draw
                       DISPATCHER DAN
he's going to F it up
The cab pulls up to his crib .He hops out and walks to the
front door

Peaches is standing there
Max, hey baby
He tries to walk by her quickly
Hey what's up Peaches?
I see you working now,you must
have the rent
Ah well here it is
Ah, this only $65, where the other


Oh today rent.Look I'm having a
problem. I need a few more days
and I need my sink fixed be over
my house or I'll throw you out by
your dick
She leaves and she gets in her ugly peach mobile.

Goatee comes out his room
I got a date at SHEGOTISSUES.com
she coming over tomorrow
yeah aight
What's the matter?
I hope I don't have a date
Never mind I'll be back
Goatee goes in his room Max turns around Reggie Rehab is
standing there
                       REHAB REG
I know someone who someone who
will give you $500
How you know I need money?
                       REHAB REG
Nothing, all you have to do is
entertain some elderly Gentleman's
in a jock strap they usually give
me 3,4 rocks which equal $100
street value
Max just walks away

O.S. Max cell rings it's his MOTHER


Hey ma, yes I did. Yes I did the
invitation to grandma's Wrestling
Award dinner. Listen ma I got a
favor to ask, I got robbed this
morning by cab driver for my rent
Max listens
No don't worry I'm ok some money.
listen I need to borrow
The connection goes bad the battery on his cell is going out
Ah shit, can you hear me? My
battery is dead, hello
Max hangs up and starts heading to Peaches house.
Otis is sitting inside his cab token on a small pipe filled
with marijuana.

He picks up the envelope and reads it
      (talking to self ,
hmm this a big run, Texas?
the paper shows clear print instruction which go blur
A LADY CUSTOMER walks up to the window and knocks
                       LADY CUSTOMER
Hi you taking any fares?
yes come on in
she gets in
                       LADY CUSTOMER
yes I'm going to the v
                       LADY CUSTOMER


                       LADY CUSTOMER (cont'd)
is that marijuana I smell
Medicinal marijuana it's for my
glaucoma,I can't see where I'm
going it clears up my vision
he pass it back
you want a toke you'll see what I
mean. you'll have a much better
vision and you'll be much prettier
without them glasses and some
she gets out the cab
ok have a nice walk then
Max steps into Peaches hallway which is one color. Every bit
of her furniture,walls, appliances one color Peach

Max hears music coming from the room down the hall and
follows it to another open door. He walks in to see a dog
in the corner dog bed and no one else. The door slams behind
him. She grabs Max and starts in groping him
Ok I'm here so where's the sink
You mean the pipes to my
downstairs baby we getting to that
That's part of my policy to you
all other late paying renters gets
thrown out by there balls. you get
off easy,hope you get me off just
as easy
Um listen I got another $15 if we
stop this now
The small dog gets up and grabs Max's pant leg


Sit his ass down Lil peaches
The dog sits Max down in a chair.

Peaches goes over to the wall and pulls down a bed
It's a brass bed with handcuffs.

A little foreign man jumps out
in white under wear and jumps out the window
Oh hell no I got something for
your ass this time
Peaches goes to her purse and grabs what appears to be her
car keys. She runs to a window points it at him and zaps.
The man falls to the ground shaking
Now where were we? I'm making me a
peach chocolate cobbler tonight
you better pony up!
Let's make it good. Let me lick
peach ice cream off of you
Oh you really do want to fix my
closest I will be right back
She runs in the kitchen while the dog watches

Max tries to attempt to escape out the window but the dog
gets up growling Peaches, comes back in the room with the
ice cream.
I'm back baby, how do you want me
Why don't you lie down so I can
put it on ya
Oh yes that feels good peach me
peach me
here baby let me get under these


Ok freaky ass
Max gets her arm up enough to reach and get her in the
Oh get ready here comes 31 flavors
Max clicks the handcuffs on her wrist.
Hey get these off me you piece of,
Lil Peaches get him
LIL PEACHES THE DOG gets up and jumps on top of big Peaches
and starts licking the ice cream. He gets an erection and
starts humping big Peaches.
Lil Peaches what are, you doing?
Max runs out the house with his pants halfway up and his
shirt open. He jumps in the cab

The guy is on the lawn still shaking. Max
drives off
Max is at his NANA house knocking on the door a 5'1" Women
opens the door
hey Nana can I come in
where you been you don't call me
any more
I've been studying I pass the bar.
Now I'm trying to land something
She walks with Max to the kitchen and starts fixing
something to eat for him
she brings him a plate of hamburger and french fries


wow this looks good thank you
Max eats it and sits with her at the table She pulls out her
chewing tobacco and spits it in a cup while he's on the
table eating.
her teeth are stain with tobacco
so what's going on why having you
been on an interview
she spits in her cup
      (looking at her in
ah yeah did but I got robbed by
the so called cab driver and I
wound up being late
Robbed did you do moves I show
He had a gun
So what, here show me what you do
His Nana goes to the kitchen draw and pulls out a gun then
she sets the chairs in a way as if they were in a cab.
You sit in back, show me, I have
gun don't worry it's not loaded
now give me you IPod asshole
wow that's kinda gangster
is that what you did?
no I did more like this
Max holds his hands up and scream.


That is definitely not move I show
you switch with me
they both switch front to back
Give me your money
She grabs the gun in lightning speed and tosses his ass up
ok I got it
What do you need
I need $1000
I only have $500 I gave to the
church. So all you have to do is
move back here.
No that's OK at least with that
I'll be able to pay the moving
man. she's definitely throwing me
She goes and gets the money.

Max is looking at old pictures of Nana as
WWF Champion of 1935

She comes back down and gives Max a kiss when she draws back
she leaves tobacco stains on his lips.
Well thanks Nana, I love you
You bring my grandson to me I make
him Wrestler
ok Nana I will
Max leaves Nana's when he gets pass the front door he spits
the tobacco out


the room is empty Max is sneaking in his window
he opens the door slight to check for Peaches

no sign of her, he closes the door and sits on the bed
The alarm clock rings. Max gets up and runs to his closet,
then runs to the bathroom and comes right out

He sits on the bed and waits

(O.C.) footsteps come from the other room to the bathroom,

then a scream

then footsteps running out of the bathroom back into his

Max grabs all his personal hygiene things and goes to the

Puts his hand in the toilet takes an animal he planted in
there and lets it out of the window

Max comes out of the bathroom dressed. Sees Rehab Reg he
appears to be clean
wow where you going?
                       REHAB REG
going into rehab
Max looks and moves on
good keep trying
Max steps back in his apartment and grab the $500 his Nana
gave him. He almost locks his door
Who am I kidding


Max gets in the cab and drives to the bodega all the ghetto
greeters are standing outside one pulls the door open for
                       GHETTO GREETERS
How you doing sir nice day
Max goes in the store and carefully picks things that won't
bring the sound of any change
how much is that?
                       COUNTER PERSON
that's $4.20
max grabs something off the counter
                       COUNTER PERSON
that's 5 dollars even
                       GHETTO GREETERS
      (sitting quiet)
He walks out and past the Ghetto Greeters

Max is in the cab

(slow motion)Dispatch Dan gives him a call in
an ugly She-Male is in the front seat making eyes at him
He pulls into the front
the AUTO worker and Miss Clarendon get in the back
                       AUTO WORKER
We want to go to the I HOP
Right away
                       AUTO WORKER
Wow I'm starving


Didn't you have enough to eat last
They both share a brief laugh then start passionately
      (Looking in the
       rearview grossed
Max has 2 MEN in the cab neither one smiling mean looking
guys in suits wearing suits,carrying a violin case. A
NERVOUS MAN sitting in the middle of them.

Max is nervous
                       LEFT CUSTOMER
Pull back here and go down that
Max drives down the alley
                       LEFT CUSTOMER
Next to that black door
He pulls next to the door they throw $50 at the front seat
and all 3 get out

The black door opens and a gay man holding a dozen roses
comes out to greet them
                       GAY MAN
Fabulous our back up actor is
here, calm Honey you look nervous
Camera are flashing as they rush in the the actor in the
Max pick up same drunk guy he pick up before
Max has his spit bucket ready
                       DRUNKEN GUY
he took the midnight train


Max hands him the bucket he throws up in it
5 white girls in their teen's are super hyper in the cab
singing a song off the radio
Max has a look of a phony annoying smile
Max is on his cell

There's a LADY 40's, with a bowl like hair cut,almost could
pass for the character Sling Blades sister.

She's sitting in the back
      (on the cell)
Yes hello can I speak with Mr.Head
please,yes I'll hold
                       LOUD LADY 2
      (Loud, Monotone)
what's your name?
huh yes,Max
                       MISS. WILSON (O.C.)
hello he's not in right now, can I
take a message
yes my name is Max Jenkins
                       LOUD LADY 2
Hi Max Jenkins my name is Suzane
Max looks back with cell in his hand and nods
yes I had an interview with them
                       LOUD LADY 2
Suzanne Donalds


hi Suzanne Donalds
                       MISS. WILSON
you had an appointment with
Suzanne Donalds
no no that's not the message
                       LOUD LADY 2
Donaldson Suzanne, Suzanne
Donaldson you got children
                       MISS. WILSON
      (writting it and
       saying it to her
ok no
Max TURNS TO Suzanne
yes one
                       MISS. WILSON
yes one what sir?
no that's not the message
                       MISS. WILSON
what's the message sir?
                       LOUD LADY 2
do you see you see your child?
yes I see my child look
                       LOUD LADY 2
how often do you you see your
every day
                       MISS. WILSON
yes I see my child everyday
no please I'm not talking to you


                       MISS. WILSON (O.C.)
who is you yelling at I'm about to
apply for college to bar-tend,I
don't need this
look I'm sorry I got a
                       LOUD LADY 2
do you want more children?
                       MISS. WILSON
you know what get it together
she hangs up
                       LOUD LADY 2
is it a boy or girl
Max looks a little crazy

the cab is in traffic on the highway
                       LOUD LADY 2
what's their name my name is
Suzanne, Suzanne Donaldson
Max picks up a bunch of tired strippers he pulls into the
train station and let them out

the last stripper turns around money from her crouch.

Max smiles wait until they get out of sight and sprays the
bills with Lysol
Max pulls up at 7-11. The other cab driver Crazy Joe pulls
right beside him
Oh boy here we go el psycho bipolo
Max looks in his back seat and sees that old prostitute he
pick up yesterday


                       CRAZY JOE
Sorry about yesterday I mixed up
my Halloween candy with my
medication Mama said, to stay away
from the halloween candy But don't
listen very well.
                       OLD LADY PROST
Hurry up and get my dam sandwich
                       CRAZY JOE
Shut the fuck up I'm getting your
dam peanut butter Hero with extra
mayo, and then I'm dropping your
ass at the bingo game.
turns to Max
                       CRAZY JOE
Unless you want to take her
No I got a call
                       CRAZY JOE
Ok I'll see you around
                       DISPATCHER DAN (O.C.)
You ready to work?
Yeah man
                       DISPATCHER DAN (O.C.)
Go to 12 Suffolk Ave I got 1 going
to 1694 Linden Ave
Christine, can you give that one
to someone else? How about crazy
The 2-way went silent.

Max gets 2 blocks before the address and puts on his
disguise again. He pulls up and blows the horn Christine
comes running out the door


You know where I'm going? What is
your name
      (jamaican accent)
Miguel Mohammed?
She looks for a moment and gets on her cell
Hey girl what you doing? On my way
to work. I'm going in late. It was
a crazy night last night. He ask
me to marry him
                       CHRISTINE'S GIRLFRIEND (O.C.)
Listen girl you hanging with me to
Max secretly presses the 2-way. He picks up.
What yes I will go to that address
Max turns the 2-way down Max heads down to 39 Roswell Dr.
her boyfriend house.
Excuse me, if you don't mind me
asking where are we going?
      (jamaican accent)
I have to go to 39 Roswell Dr.
      (talking to self)
I thought he was out of town
Max pulls in front of a house and blows the horn.
Maybe they not hear me


Max blows again. RODERICK'S WIFE sticks her head out the
                       RODERICK’S WIFE
My husband didn't call for a cab
Her soon to be fiance Christina sticks his head out the
Nah man we didn't
Roderick sees Christina in the cab
ah shit
Christina gets out the cab walks to the house in a rage

Both women starts chasing RODERICK down the drive way
Max drives off backwards, both women catch him and start
whipping his ass
      (Yelling to him)
Help taxi, wait, wait
Dan is on the radio getting upset with Otis
                       DISPATCHER DAN
      (Yelling to him)
Otis where are you I told you you
have a pic up at the airport. the
lady is calling
Otis is waiting inside the airport on the cell
I know I took the paper with me
before I left last night.


back in New York
                       DISPATCHER DAN
ok so your there, good she came in
from Texas, flight 19
yes I'm at the airport I took an
earlier flight so I can catch her.
Think I'll get one of those Big
                       DISPATCHER DAN
wait you took a flight to Texas to
pick her up?
yes and she should be here in an
half hour
                       DISPATCHER DAN
      (Yelling to him)
she's coming from Texas to New
York, my God where's the cab
it's parked outside
the tow guy is backing the tow truck to the cab
everything ok? where is she
He walks in and knocks on Goatee's door. Goatey opens the
door and grabs him inside quickly.
Yo what's up man, I don't want the
smell to get out
You cooking?
Goatey goes to the closet pulls back a compartment where
he's cooking, There are ribs, chicken, collard greens, fried
fish and yellow rice.


You were right man, maybe it's
time to move on,
What made you have a change of
I found out my ex just had twins
by her Uncle
That would do it
That's ok I got this girl coming
over she works over at Marina
It's about time, have you seen
I'm try to avoid her myself
Goatey starts preparing the table
She'll be here in 10 minutes
Max grabs a chicken leg, Goatey grabs it back.
Yo come on man skirts only
a knock at the door. (O.S.)

Goatey fixes himself
Hold on baby I'm just straighten
up a little. Okay man you gotta go
Goatey opens the door and a beautiful woman
name CLORINE is standing in the doorway.

Max is staring hard and sort of surprised.
Hey what's up I'm Chlorine


Chlorine like the stuff you clean
pools with
What stuff
looks at Goatee
Good luck
She walks in Goatee's room
Will Ya'll hurry the hell up, dam
slow ass kids
Kids you brought damn kids on a
A slutty angry looking 13 YEAR OLD GIRL walks in carrying a
baby seat with a baby in it and gives it to Goatee

a younger, fatter KID and heads straight for the food.

A 3rd kid is dirty grabs the ribs bites and spits it out
then starts jumping on the bed.
I'm paying for no baby sitter You
got money for the movie?
Max start to leave out the door
Have a nice time man
Max runs out the door into his room. He grabs and energy
drink and another.

He runs back out to the cab to take on some more calls
Max pulls up to the building same time as an ambulance A
PREGNANT WOMAN walks out and gets in the cab with her

Max pulls off


                       CHEATING HUSBAND
It's going to be alright baby
She's screaming.
                       PREGNANT WOMEN
I think I'm going to have the baby
No please don't
The husband cell rings
                       CHEATING HUSBAND
Oh yes I did go to the store, they
didn't have the milk you wanted.
The pregnant woman is screaming louder The husband puts the
cell on mute
                       CHEATING HUSBAND
Sshhh will you shut up that's my
wife on the phone
                       PREGNANT WOMEN
you're married?
                       CHEATING HUSBAND
I was going to tell you
The HUSBAND is back on the cell
                       CHEATING HUSBAND
No shit, what no baby I'm just
listening to the IPod
                       PREGNANT WOMEN
I'm going to kill you
                       CHEATING HUSBAND
baby let me call you back
He hangs the cell up

the baby gets delivered in the back seat
Baby crying(O.C.)
                       CHEATING HUSBAND
Oh it's a boy baby it's a boy Ok
you can take her back home how
much is It round trip?


GIRLFRIEND look turn to angry
Max is parked at a gate looking at his watch and in the rear
view mirror

A gang of Mexicans run and hop over the fence

Lights and sirens go off along with gunfire as they get into
the cab
                       MEXICAN MAN
Apurate, Apurate, bitch
Max steps on the gas and speeds out

Max is in the middle of a parking lot letting everybody out
as they all give him money
thank you tell your friends
Peaches knocks on Max door there's no answer

she hears some noise coming out of Goatee room and knocks on
that door
Ay Goatee
GOATEE opens the door quick
now who the hell is
He steps on the hallway and shut the door quick
Your dam land lord and are you
there is yelling coming from the closed door
                       CLORINE (O.S.)
What the hell, get down from there
Jesse James Jr.


You got kids in there
No, that's just the TV
Where is Max I need to see him?
He's at work he won't get off
until tomorrow Afternoon
I'll tell him
well he'll be out tomorrow
afternoon any way, and if I catch
you cooking with kids in there you
are going with him
She walks out
He is counting his money and set some aside for gas
$1000 Plus the dispatch fee half
for them and I got my rent yes it
was hard but I did it
Max puts the rest of the money in an envelope and tucks it
under the seat

he gets out puts the nozzle in the gas tank goes inside to

4 TEENKIDS are over on the other side of the gas station
they are watching Max go inside
                       1ST TEEN
Ok he went inside, who's going to
drive it.
                       2ND TEEN
I'll drive it


Max is in the store buying something to drink

The surveillance showing the teens running in the cab

The cab pulls off with the hose in the tank and gas gushing

Max walks up to the counter.
Please give me $50 on pump 5 and
I'll take this soda
                       GAS COUNTER PERSON
Well I hate to tell you but you
have nothing to pump on 5
What do you mean?
                       GAS COUNTER PERSON
Someone just stole your cab
Max runs to the windows and sees no cab
                       GAS COUNTER PERSON
And you owe me $45 for the broken
He flags a police man down
Hey glad to see you I just got
robbed they took my cab and money
Get in
Max is sitting at desk. A bunch of police officers are
walking around or on the phone

A drunk is cuffed to a time out chair
A DETECTIVE walks over


                       DETECTIVE BANKS
How you doing my name is Detective
Banks I understand you was robbed
for your cab
Yeah, it happened at the gas
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
was there anything valuable in
there was money in a envelope
The door bust open and 2 cops are dragging an old woman in
hand cuffs

MAX notices it's the old prostitute he picked up CRAZY JOE'S
                       OLD LADY PROST
Let me go assholes
                       OFFICER 2
Calm down or I'll keep these on
she was caught soliciting sex I
usually don't arrest anyone for
prostitution, but we can have
hookers on the street this dam old
                       OLD LADY PROST
Well you can kiss this old wrinkle
been through The ringer ass you
just pissed off my pimp, if he
wasn't in cardiac arrest he would
be here kicking your ass let me
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Put her in the other room
ok what's going to happen
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Ok we got them on the surveillance
camera all we can do right now is
go home and we will call you
I had money in their it's my rent


                       DETECTIVE BANKS
You better hope is still is
The door opens from the lobby

Crazy Joe comes in looking for his mother
                       CRAZY JOE
Where do you have my mother? How
can you arrest her at a bingo
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Are you Joe Jackson, come here I
got some pictures to show you
Detective Banks takes Joe in the room
                       CRAZY JOE (O.C.)
What the fuck, mother
Max walks out to the get the bus on the corner
MAX walks in his front door. Takes out a box and starts

He falls asleep
Cell ring tone
Yes hello
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Hello may I speak with Max
Yeah that's me
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
This is Det. Banks we have great
news we Recovered your cab it's
all in one piece


Man dam that is my money still in
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Describe it again?
it was a manila envelope $1,750
wrap with a pink Rubber band and
$1,250 in a brown rubber band
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Yes that's correct so when are you
coming down?
right now
Max calls the dispatch
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Yeah, let me turn the TV down
it's Max I need someone to pick me
up at home and take me to the
police station, they found the
stolen cab
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Right Man you got a lot of fucked
up luck. you need to go to church
Yeah I know can you send it?
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Right away
The cab comes for Max and drops him off at the precinct.
Max is inside looking lost.
Have you seen Det. Banks?
The officer points to the room. MAX walks over and knock on
the door


Max Jenkins I'm, hear to pick up
my cab
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Ok the cab is outside, here are
the keys
What about the money?
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Yeah about that we have to hold
that for evidence The guys try to
use it to buy weed from an
undercover office good news it was
us you at least get your money
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
There next court date is September
No I can't wait that long I got
rent Please, I know let me just
pay my rent and I'll work and
bring it back on Sept.14 you can
hold it
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Ok well here are your keys and
we'll contact you and hey I'm also
a Pastor Banks you need to stop
the church might change you luck
Max heads outside into his cab
Max is driving when he hears a call from the dispatcher on
the 2-way
                       DISPATCHER DAN
They found the cab in good shape?
Yeah shitty like before, I think I
need a break, I got to go to sleep
                       DISPATCHER DAN
Ok get some rest


I'll be in on Monday
                       DISPATCHER DAN
I will hope you are better
Max hangs up gets to his apartment and pass out on the bed
10:45 am Max hears a knock at the door while he was
                       BOOTLEG (O.S.)
Yo Max, yo Max wake up man it's
Dam wait one minute
Max gets up, puts on his pants and opens the door.
Yeah man what is it?
You still have the bow tie I loan
you for that catering job I need
it for the funeral
that's today,You gonna wear that
jump suit with that shit stain on
No I gave it to the family so they
can remember Him is you still
going you know your luck ain't
been all that great, you probably
To go to church, ok ok I'm going
Ok I'm finally going to church it
took a dead body but I'm going
Can I drive?


Max and Goatey finish getting dressed

They are out the door into the cab.

Max ringtone
hello how are you are you busy?
well no just going to a funeral
Oh I'm sorry
No, no one I know I just need to
go to church
you don't have to wait until
someone's dead to go to a funeral
you know
yeah it was kind of a motivation
for me
your a little strange
you like strange?
it will be different
that's me different but good at it
I have to cancel the play date
ok that's to bad
but available for a night date


it gets better
I'll invite you over for dinner,
bring wine
ok I'll see you then
Max hangs up
yes yes I'm finally going to get
                       MAX PENIS (O.C.)
yeah my God I can't wait
who is it
a girl I met driving to pick up a
that's good
yo did things work out with
yeah her 3 child father is after
me he wants to replace my eyeballs
with my nuts and 2 of the boys
stole my wallet
so you seeing her again


A WOMAN is a the front of the church starting the song

The choir is singing. The church is filled with people
crying.an urn is at the front of the church with Larry's
body in leopard shit form.

The people are fanning and complaining Others are spraying
air freshener's and holding their nose with napkins

Others are burning incense. One guy is burning matches

Peaches stepped in the church with her dog and a huge Peach

Max and Goatey pull up in the cab
Man we are not staying long
especially when I'm in here
grieving to a pile of leopard
Larry man, Larry why do you keep
saying that
Let's just go in here
They go inside the church the usher takes them to their
seat. Max noticed a guy up front
Wait a minute, you're right
You said my luck would change
there might be a blessing
What happen why are you looking
over there?
I'm sure that the guy that robbed
me In the cab,he had a strange
tattoo on his neck
What was it?


It's a Dennis Rodman with a dress
see if it's really Rodman on his
neck yo man is it him?
The woman and the choir stop singing and

The minister approach the pulpit
                       MINISTER MAURICE
Yes dear lord bless to be here
today with all these Sexy ladies
today in the lord house hallelujah
The church look at him and each other
                       MINISTER MAURICE
We come here today not to mourn a
death but to celebrate a life.A
life of a man who worked hard as a
feces environmental Control
technician who use to clean
leopard (beep) out of the zoo
Until one day he was met by a
tragic fate
                       THE CHURCH
Amen, preach on it damn it stinka
                       MINISTER MAURICE
He was a good man but his drinking
led him into that cage and into an
untimely death Though this child
of God was taken away, from ashes
to ashes dust to doo doo your
accept to by Jesus, as a big pile
of feces Amen
                       THE CHURCH
      (one member at a
Amen, open the window
                       MINISTER MAURICE
We have a few close friends who
want to come up Say their final
good bye to our friend Larry
Minister sits and a man gets up crying


                       CO-WORKER 1
Larry was a good friend we worked
together Funny, we used to use
to always complaint How the feces
techs in the bird department Have
it easy they have lighter loads
another man in the same jump suit outfit stands up
                       CO-WORKER 2
      (Yelling to him)
That's crap and you know it we
carry just as much crap as you
sometime we had the eagles you
                       CO-WORKER 1
      (Yelling to him)
Bird crap is not heavier, Do the
math dick weed
                       CO-WORKER 2
      (Yelling to him)
Dick weed screw you I'll take that
Pooper scooper and jam it up
Minister Maurice interrupted from flirting with a women
mourner and runs to the front
                       MINISTER MAURICE
Ah ok would anyone else like to
speak any other friend's and
family members that would like to
say their final good bye
Cab Robber aka Larry's Brother stands up to speak.

MAX is tempted to go up Goatey holds him back
                       CAB ROBBER
I want to thank everyone for
coming to my Brother's funeral
this means a lot
Look at him standing there in
standing there Chilling like he
don't know nothing I'm sick of
people taking advantage of me


So we catch him when we leave the
      (whispering in
No, I can't do it no more. I lost
an opportunity for career at THE
PARTNERS because of him I had to
drive a cab with some of the most
unruly people on earth because of
him I almost slept with Peaches
because of him
He remembers Max in the cab while he was holding the gun
                       CAB ROBBER
You know what I'm going to need my
tip right now.
He snaps out of the flash back
                       CAB ROBBER
So thank you again
He takes his seat
                       MINISTER MAURICE
We only have one life, who knows
what tomorrow might bring.
So I urge you before our time
is up. Say what ever you need to
      (Yelling at him)
Don't you want to confess, man up
Hold on man don't do that just
Let me go?
Max walks up to the front


                       MINISTER MAURICE
That's it brother come on up and
say something
Max grabs the mic
I want to confess today let me
re-phase that someone needs to
confess today I had a long week
I got robbed for my rent money.
Max walks over to Larry's brother
By this man here ain't that
right, when the last time you been
in a cab
                       CAB ROBBER
What I ain't robbed no one
Man I recognize you by that tattoo
of Dennis Rodman with a dress on
your neck
                       CAB ROBBER
That my fiance Berta damnit
CAB ROBBER punches MAX in the face causing him to fly back
into the urn

The urn falls and break and Larry (in shit form) splatters
all over the church members
                       LARRY'S MOTHER
My son oh my God you knock over my
Max gets up and starts fighting with the cab robber

The minister tries to break it up only to get punched in his
face by Larry's mother who tried to get at Max.

Larry's EX-WIFE runs to the front gets on her knees and
wipes the feces on her face hysterically
                       LARRY'S EX-WIFE
Don't know body step on my husband
                       LARRY'S GIRLFRIEND
Bitch move that was my husband


They both start fighting. Other church members and family
run to the front and start fighting

one person step on Larry and slip

Peach's dog gets up runs to the big pile of Larry, does a
circle and craps on top of Larry.
Come back here baby
                       LARRY'S MOTHER
No you going to mix him up
Larry's Mother runs and kick the dog
Oh, no you did not just kick my
Larry's mother and Peaches start fighting.

Goatey is getting his ass kicked by a woman family member
for being with Max and he's screaming like a bitch.

A man is trying to drown the minister in the water where
they give the baptisms

Max corners cab robber in the bathroom cab robber throws a
punch miss and Max does one of his wrestling Russian moves
Nana taught him and does it on the cab robber, this move
knocked him out cold.
Dam thank you Nana, whew I'm out
of shape.
The cops bust in the restroom. They bring Max and the cab
robber out Detective Barnes walks over
                       DETECTIVE BANKS
Let him go, this is who we want.
We have been looking for you a
long time, Thanks he's wanted for
a string of robberies
                       CAB ROBBER
Man I had to help pay for the
They take the cab robber away in handcuffs


Max and Goatey are sitting in the children's bible study
room. their clothes are ripped up Max have a black eye, He
has shit stains on him.
Well that was a lovely service
Yeah well at least he's caught and
I'm still out of money
                       LARRY'S MOTHER
No you're not
Larry's mother and the members of the church are standing
there all their clothes, Some teeth missing clothes are
                       LARRY'S MOTHER
We didn't know Curtis paid for the
funeral with money he took from
you it would be wrong for us to
take it
Larry's mother hands him cash in an envelope
                       LARRY'S MOTHER
There is a thousand plus 200 for
your trouble
Oh Bless you thank you now I can
pay my rent
Peaches snatch her rent and walks out with her dog in her
hand, and broken heels
See now your set
Not yet
Max runs out of the church and jumps in the cab
The cab pulls up to the executive parking space

Max walks in past security


wait wait where you
he grabs Max

Max clothes is torn and he's covered in feces

Security quickly lets him go
whew where you been
Max runs in the elevator
      (talking to people
       in the elevator)
going on my 3rd interview
they have a look of disgust on their faces
He walks pass the receptionist
                       MISS. WILSON
Sir excuse me sir
he comes back
This won't take but a moment
the phone is ringing

MRS PUNTANGE goes back to her nails

Max picks up the phone and throws it to her
she spills her nail polish on her self catching the phone
                       MISS. WILSON
Max knocks on the door then lets himself in Mr. HEAD is
sitting there with three silent guy and a potential client


they look in shock ad Max boldly let himself in covered once
again in a torn feces covered black suit
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
Mr Maxine Jenkins what are you
doing here,I'll call security
Max notice the clients face
hey I know you
                       MR LEE
know me
well not know you but know of your
case I read it in the paper
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
yes we have it handled now leave
I think he has a good case
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
I said we have it handled
                       MR LEE
I would like to hear him
You work for Digitech the accounts
for Ulsten Corp.,I know you are in
charge with payrolls
                       MR LEE
I'm very good with my job,been
there 23 years I don't know why it
don't know how it went missing
It's the new software,I studied
your case
Max grabs the labtop
see Digitech gets all Win tell


                       MR LEE
yes we did
the software for transferring
funds is called Lightzone ,
Lightzone is in today news
Max shows reading on laptop
it had a hidden virus upon
                       MR LEE
it's not my fault
no it's not
                       MR LEE
you have a good firm
Mr Lee gets up
                       MR LEE
I'll give the retainer to your
Mr Lee shakes everyone's hand and leaves the office
                       MR JOHN WACKOFF
look ever since I was a kid I
wanted to study law and be a
lawyer,it was a dream cut
temporarily when I became a
father.That's ok I wouldn't trade
that time for nothing in the
world.The passion was still
burning inside me so I never gave
up, oh it was hard but I did it. I
am standing in front of you in a
shredded black feces ridden suit
telling you I can be one of the
best lawyers on your team. I just
need a break
                       BUSINESS PARTNER 1
I'm breaking the bet


did you just speak?
                       BUSINESS PARTNER 1
yes I did
ok, what bet
                       BUSINESS PARTNER 2
Last year we had a bet who ever
was the 1st to speak owes a
quarter mill
what, with all due respect I still
wouldn't said shit
                       BUSINESS PARTNER 2
You seem quiet determine being
that you showed up like this twice
you must really want this position
it's yours
Yes I do
                       BUSINESS PARTNER 1
Show up Monday morning showered
and in a new suit
Thank you so much
Max gives the guys a big hug

They wipe themselves
He runs out the door screaming happy
Max picks up the 2-way
hey dispatch
                       DISPATCHER DAN
yeah go a head cab 16 you ready to


yeah, but as a lawyer I'm quitting
but thank you for letting me work
                       DISPATCHER DAN
knew it was to good ok man just
bring the cab back
Otis is on the cab smoking a bowl

A Old LADY PROSTITUTE comes up and knocks on the window
                       OLD LADY PROST
Can I catch a cab please


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