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I Used To Be Happy
by Nathan Illsley (nillsley@comcast.net)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***1/2
Annie Hall for the next generation. Following his most recent breakup, Nate recalls his college dating experiences and gets to the bottom of his lackluster mindset.

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


NATE, 25 and BECCA, 25 sit at a table.

Nate picks up a piece of bread, dips it into the oil and
bites into it while reading the menu.

A waitress, STACEY, walks up to the table.
How's it going today? I'm Stacey
and I'll be your server for this
evening. Can I start you guys off
with a couple of drinks?
I'll just have a water.
Okay, and you sir?
Do you have Mountain Dew?
No we don't. But we have Dr.
Right... Um, I'll just have a
water too... I guess.
Be right back.
Stacey walks away.
I ask for a lemon lime soda and
she suggests... I don't even know
what Dr. Pepper is. There's 23
flavors and I can't figure out a
single one of them. It's not a
cola and it's not root beer. I
Nate takes a bite of bread.
I think we should break up.


Nate stops chewing for a moment. He speaks with a mouth full
of bread.
Right now? We didn't even order
I just think we're going in
different directions and I don't
want this to drag on any longer
than it has to.
You really couldn't wait until we
ate? I was looking forward to that
parmesan encrusted chicken but I
guess that's out now.
Nate drops the menu on the table.
Are you even listening to me? I'm
trying to break up with you and
You could've at least waited for
the appetizer or...
Nate! We're done. I'm sorry.
Nate puts his finger up to Becca.
Could you just hold on one second?
Nate looks at the camera, breaking the fourth wall.
Can you believe this? SHE brought
ME out to dinner. To break up with
me. She didn't even wait until we
got food. Who does that? Now we
have to get up and leave and it's
embarrassing because all I got was
bread so far. And that's free. Do
I still tip? Shit, who cares?
You'll notice I'm more upset over
the food than I am that she just


                       NATE (cont'd)
broke up with me. That's because I
genuinely don't care. She broke up
with me, that's life. She was
alright I guess, but what does it
even matter? If I cared about
everything that made me sad I'd be
so screwed. War, famine,
homelessness. Holy shit I'd be
messed up. Let me tell you
something, the key to life is
Nate leans over to the person behind him, a LADY in her mid
Excuse me do you have a dictionary
I could borrow?
Um, yes I think I do...
The lady reaches into her pocketbook.
Here you go.
Thank you kindly.
Nate flips through the pages of the dictionary.
Okay, let's see here. Desensitize:
to make someone less likely to
feel shock or distress over scenes
of cruelty, violence, or suffering
by overexposing them to such
images over a prolonged period of
time. There you go. I've been so
overexposed to relationship
bullshit that I genuinely don't
care anymore... You know, I wasn't
always like this you know. I used
to be a very emotional guy
actually, but that was before
everything. Let me show you.


Nate's mom is in a hospital bed. She gives one final push.

The doctor holds Nate up to her and his father.
Here I am getting pushed out of my
mom's womb. The first thing I did
when I got out was piss on my
A much younger Nate stands on his front porch wearing a polo
tucked into swooshy pants. He is wearing a backpack and
resists having his picture taken by placing his hands in
front of his face.
Here's me on the first day of
pre-school. Notice my ridiculous
clothing choices.
Nate plays with a cat on the ground. The cat pees.
This is my first cat, Tigger. I
named him after Tigger from Winnie
the Pooh because they're both
orange-ish. Pre-school logic.
Nate stands amid a crowd of students wearing a similar
outfit to that which he wore on his first day of pre-school.
This is me on my first day of
middle school. Again notice the
absolutely ridiculous outfit. Also
notice that I'm now in public
making it way worse.


Nate stands on a stage in a line with other children. He is
wearing a shirt and tie that is not very put together.
This is DARE graduation. DARE
stood for "drug abuse resistance
education," where they taught us
why drugs and alcohol are bad.
Let's just say I that I threw away
that diploma when I hit college.
Teenage Nate fiddles with the combination lock on his
This is my first day of high
school. I was more of the ugly
duckling in high school except I
never really had that "turning
into a swan" moment when I walked
into a school dance in slow motion
and all the jocks did a double
Nate tries to open his locker but it sticks. He tugs on it
until it swings open and he hits himself in the face,
falling over.
Nate stands at the altar in a shirt and tie.

The priest puts his hand on Nate's head and makes the sign
of the cross in front of him.
This is my confirmation. Let's
just say it didn't really pay off.
The best gift I got was a shitty
pen set from my uncle, and if
you're wondering, yes, I only went
through with confirmation for the


Nate's Uncle John hands him keys to his first car, a white
Subaru Forrester.

Nate gets inside and turns on the engine.
This was my first car. My uncle
bought it for me as my 18'th
birthday present.
Nate stands next to his car which is crashed into a
telephone pole.

Nate is standing with his hands on his head.
And with my first car, of course,
came my first car accident about
15 minutes later.
Nate stands in his cap and gown and walks across the stage
to get his high school diploma.
This is my high school graduation.
See the smile on my face? That's
because I had no clue how insane
my life was about to become.
Nate and his mom are unpacking things in his room.

GERRY, 20, a short darker skinned boy, enters and shakes
Nate's hand. He shakes with one hand and then brings the
other around to fully hold Nate's.
This is me on move-in day of
college. That's Gerry. He'd end up
being my roommate and best friend


                       NATE (cont'd)
all four years of college but he
scared the shit out of me at first
because he did the two-handed Bill
Clinton handshake and didn't
really let go of me.
Nate and Gerry play beer pong at a dorm room party.

KATH, 19, a tall brunette enters the room and Nate
immediately looks over at her.
Fast forward a little more and
here's when my life got
complicated. The first time I met
Kath. We'd end up dating for a
while and she really screwed me
The scene cuts back to Nate and Becca at the restaurant.
Now this isn't Kath. Kath and I
ended things a looonng time ago.
This is Becca.
      (to Becca)
Say "hello" Becca.
Becca turns to the camera.
Hi! How are you? I'm Becca.
      (to Faith)
Okay, that's enough Becca.
      (to camera)
I guess I went a little too far
ahead with that. Let's go back to
the beginning of my freshman year
in college.


Nate and Gerry sit in their dorm room watching TV.
We've been here a week and I'm
already sick of cafe food. You
wanna go to Subway or something?
Yeah that sounds good. I'll go
grab Dan. You driving?
You live a six hour plain flight
away and don't have a car, and you
ask if I'm driving? No you can
drive us this time.
Gerry stands up and yells out the door way.
Yo Dan! Come to Subway with us.
DAN, 20, walks into the doorway.
Yeah I got my wallet. Nate, you
All three guys sit at a table eating their subs.
I don't think they cooked my
Mine's fantastic.
Whoa, look at that girl.
Gerry motions to a girl walking into the store. She is
blonde and absolutely gorgeous.
The things I would do to that


Oh man, she's smoking.
Just unforgivable, vile things.
She reminds me of a girl who went
to my high school. I think she
does porn now actually.
You ever get with her?
Nah, she was impossible to get
with... unless you paid her.
Isn't it weird how prostitution is
illegal but if you pay for sex and
film it, it's fine again because
it's porn?
Democracy in action.
A beat where they continue eating.
So how many girls have you been
Two... well three if you count
Yeah I'm just at two because I
haven't ever been a situation
where the only option was anal.
It was a weird night.
      (to Nate)
What about you?
Me? It doesn't even matter.


Ooooh! You've got a few notches on
your belt huh?
Go ahead put us to shame. What's
your number?
It's... uh... zero.
Get out of here. How many really?
No, I'm serious. None.
I don't believe that for a second.
You seem like you absolutely slay.
Nah, I just never had the chance.
Did you go to an all guys school
or something?
Damn, I would've thought you were
in double digits. You hafta get on
that man.
Yeah come on, we need some stories
out of you. Your a giant hunk of
man, girls will be all over you.
Give me another month and I'll be
on your level.
Don't get on Gerry's level. People
go to jail for the things he does.
Don't worry, I'll have some good
stories for you. I'll find someone
soon. It's college.


JULIE, 21, is on top of Nate, screaming at the top of her
lungs. Nate is under her with an absolutely terrified look
on his face.

She lets out one final scream and falls to his side with her
back turned to him.
Nate gets out of bed and walks towards the camera.
That was the first time I had sex.
Yup, that was my first time. That
is very fucking far from normal.
Did you hear her screaming? It
like she just got stabbed in the
stomach or something. She scared
me... But that was my first time.
That's what I wasted it on. It
could have been romantic and
special but instead I lost my
virginity to one of the sirens.
I'll never understand why I did
that. I'll never understand sex in
general though. If you think about
it, sex is weird. I was just in
her. I was INSIDE of her. Isn't
that weird to think about? Maybe
not, I don't know. You know what
is weird though? I faked it every
time. I'm a guy and I faked an
orgasm. Literally every time. Even
Nate knew that was weird. I was
too afraid of her to do anything
that I liked. I figured she'd beat
me... She probably would have.
Nate sits in the second row of the class.

PROFESSOR MEKIOS, 40, stands at the front and speaks with an
extremely deep voice.
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
Now you're all in for a real
treat. We get to talk about how we
don't know what we're talking
about. This is one of the major
paradoxes in philosophy. Although


                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS (cont'd)
it's completely misquoted, a lot
of people know this phrase,
attributed to Socrates: "I know
one thing, that I know nothing."
Even though it's misquoted, it
sums up a lot of his beliefs. How
can we be certain of anything? Is
there any kind of universal truth?
To know implies that something be
absolute fact, with no shadow of a
doubt behind it. In order to truly
know something, it has to be
unarguable. Is anything really
Nate raises his hand.
So basically the point of that
quote is that there is no
universal truth?
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
It's not that there isn't any,
it's more that even if there is,
we can never be certain that it is
universal truth. Therefor we can
never really even know what
universal truth is, if there is
Doesn't that philosophy completely
contradict your profession?
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
Excuse me?
Well it would seem to me that if
there is no universal truth, than
we can never be certain as to
whether something is correct or
incorrect. Right?
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
I suppose so.
Well, as such, no matter what we
say from our own perspective,
which in essence is our own
personal "truth," cannot be proven


                       NATE (cont'd)
incorrect. It can't be proven
correct either, but it certainly
can't be proven incorrect. If we
ourself believe what we say to be
true, it becomes truth to us.
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
I think you're...
Now, because there is no universal
perspective from which to look at
such a "truth," we cannot
definitively say whether or not
something is right or wrong.
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
As a professor your job is to give
us grades based on responses that
we make to questions that you
create. No matter how we respond
to that question, you can never
tell us whether we are right or
wrong because there is no
definitive answer to anything.
                       PROFESSOR MEKIOS
Please stop...
That being so, it seems kind of
hypocritical for you to preach
uncertainty and then proceed to
give us grades based on your
interpretation of our work. If
nothing can be proven then isn't a
grade a falsity in itself? I just
don't get how you come to work
every day knowing that it's pretty
much meaningless.
A few seconds of silence.
That's all I'm saying.


Nate stands in front of a mirror wearing a button up shirt.
He rolls one of the sleeves up.
Okay I need an honest opinion
here. I have a few options with
this shirt. I can either leave the
sleeves down, giving off the more
formal, "I care about my
appearance, I like to look
presentable kind of thing"...
      (Nate rolls up his
I can roll up the sleeves like
this and give off the whole "I
care about my appearance enough to
wear a nice shirt but I also
embrace that casual aspect of life
by showing off a little forearm"
kind of look.
Gerry emerges from his closet wearing just boxers.
Shit, that's a tough one. You want
to look nice but not too serious
but you also don't want to be too
casual or girls will think you
don't give a shit... Roll the
sleeves up. It's like an "I just
got off of a hard days work at the
office and now I'm having casual
drinks with my co-workers before
going home" kind of look.
You're completely right. What
about you, what are you wearing?
Okay I have two options. I could
wear this polo with no undershirt
and a rope necklace.
Gerry holds up a polo on a hanger.
Okay, no undershirt suggests
freedom and comfort while the
necklace emphasizes your laid back
yet adventerous, California,


                       NATE (cont'd)
surfer side.
Exactly. Or I could wear this
graphic t-shirt with my dog tags.
Gerry hold up a t-shirt on a hanger.
Okay the t-shirt is from Express
so it says casual but also more
upscale and expensive. The dog
tags suggest a rougher side... but
they also kind of make you look
like you want the appeal of being
an officer but don't have the
balls to enlist. I'd go polo and
rope necklace.
I think so too. Goddammit this is
hard. Girls think they have to go
through so much with their makeup
and hair but we have to do the
They put more pressure on us by
looking good. They think we make
them self-consious like they need
to go all out but all they end up
doing is looking way better than
us and then we feel more pressure
to impress them. It's very unfair.
Gerry walks over to the same mirror that Nate stands in
front of and checks out his outfit.
Know what man, they can put as
much pressure as they want on us,
but we look pretty damn good right
Yeah man, we'll be turning heads
They give each other a loud high five.


Nate and Gerry enter in in completely different outfits than
what they just had on. CHRIS, 19, answers the door.
In the room are JOHN, CHRIS, TIM, JEFF, all 19, and various
other random people playing drinking games.
What's up man?
Wuddup Nate? What's going on
What's up man?
Can we sign up for beer pong?
Yeah absolutely man. The list is
on the dresser.
Nate turns to the camera and talks as he makes his way
through the room to sign up for beer pong.
See I didn't drink in high school,
so up until yesterday I didn't
even know how to play beer pong. I
went on Wikipedia for about 2...
about 4 hours and did a little
research on drinking games and
whatnot. As it turns out what
these people are playing is not
even called beer pong. They're
playing beiruit, "ruit" for short.
Beer pong is when you use paddles
and... it doesn't even matter. But
I'll pretend it's called beer pong
because that's what they think
it's called and at this point, I
really just want to fit in.
Nate and Gerry step up to the table and start to play. Nate
shoots the ball and it goes nowhere near the triangle of

Nate turns to the camera.


As it turns out, looking up how to
play online doesn't prevent you
from sucking at it when you
actually play.
      (Nate points to
       the door and his
       face drops.)
Oh shit, here it comes. I'm about
to meet the girl who's going to
change my life forever.
Kath walks into the room just as she did before and the
frame freezes on her.
You know how they say when you
meet the girl of your dreams, time
stops? Well it doesn't. That makes
no sense at all.
      (The frame
       unfreezes and
       action continues.)
Time never stops. Especially in
college. That's absurd. I mean,
time isn't even real. Humans
created time as a way to put a
schedule on when we die. But I
digress. That girl that just
walked in, that's Kath... and
this... this is the beginning of
my downward spiral.
Kath walks up behind Nate and taps him on the shoulder.
Who has next game?
There should be a list somewhere.
Is it there?
I can't find it if it is.
Well we just won and my partner is
done playing.
I am?


      (to Gerry)
Yes you are.
      (to Kath)
Wanna play with me?
She smiles a little.
I'm Nate.
I'm Katherine.
The camera zooms in on them shaking hands and demonic music
plays over it for a split second.
The two resume playing ruit. Nate puts his hand on her lower
back and points to a cup.
Did you see that? Playful touching
is key for flirting. It's like
breaking the ice with Thor's
hammer. Anyways, we played for a
little while. It turns out
Wikipedia was a good move because
I impressed the hell out of her
with my bullshit drinking game
knowledge. We ended up having a
really romantic night.
Nate and Kath grind to dance music in a crowded sweaty room.
We talked for hours on end.
Nate and Kath stand 5 feet apart from each other, both on
their phones, texting.


We finally fell asleep in each
others' arms.
Nate and Kath sleep back to back in a small bed. Kath hogs
all of the covers and Nate loudly snores.
Back to present day.
Let me give you some advice; if a
relationship spawns from a drunken
hook up, it wont work. Chances are
it wont work anyways but alcohol
is an even better predictor.
Alcohol, as we all know impedes
your judgement. If you fall in
love when you're drunk, chances
are she's the wrong girl.
Nate and Gerry sit in their room watching TV.

Gerry is typing something on his laptop.
What does "ivocate" mean?
Ivocate? I don't think that's a
It has to be a word, it's used in
this article my professor wrote.
How do you spell it?
That's definitely not a word man.
How does he use it?


"The settlers of the Roanoke
Colony were never found, leading
one to ivocate an answer."
A beat.
There's no way that's a word. And
that sentence is very poorly
I don't know what he's having us
read an article on Roanoke
anyways. It's for a physics class.
Makes sense. How's things with
Ashley? I heard you guys fighting
last night.
Not great. This distance is
killing us. She's back in Cali and
for some reason I decided to come
here. Usually when we fight we end
up having sex after and we kind of
forget we're supposed to be mad. I
can't do that when I'm 3000 miles
away. You can't masturbate a fight
away. There's no end to any of our
fights because we can't get down
to business over the phone.
You really rely on sex that much
for your relationship?
Oh god, yeah. If it wasn't for sex
we'd have killed each other by
Isn't that unhealthy?
Oh completely, yeah. I put way too
much emphasis on sex but she's
really good at it so it's almost
worth it when I'm back home.


It's definitely still an awful
idea but whatever. I think we...
Gerry's phone rings. The ringtone is "Cold Hard Bitch" by
Guess who?
"Cold Hard Bitch" is the ringtone
you set for your girlfriend?
I'll be right back.
No problem man.
Gerry stands up and exits his bedroom and walks into the
common room. Dan walks in and sits on Nate's bed.
I heard "Cold Hard Bitch" go off.
He talking to Ashley?
You guessed it.
The distance is killing them. I
feel bad.
Yeah, I don't know how much longer
they're gonna last.
Nah, they'll make it. Everyone
goes through a rough patch in
their relationship. That's what
makes you stronger.
I feel like if you're really meant
for someone you shouldn't have a
rough patch though. I mean
everyone disagrees sometimes but
Gerry and Ashley hate each other
right now. If they were meant to


                       NATE (cont'd)
be distance shouldn't tear them
The distance will make them
appreciate each other even more
when they see each other in person
again. It helps you take the other
less for granted. They'll be fine.
They're in love.
      (from the common
Well that's great. You know what,
don't call me again. We're done.
They can hear a smash coming from the room. Gerry walks back
into the bedroom.
Hey Nate, can I borrow your phone
really quick?
Nate hands Gerry his phone.
Yeah sure. What for?
I got mad at Ashley so I threw
mine against the wall and it
broke. Thanks man.
Gerry walks back into the common room.
That's not good.
Maybe he's just extra passionate
about this. He's an emotional guy
so he gets overly worked up. It's
because he cares.
If he smashes shit when he cares I
don't wanna know what he does when
he doesn't give a shit. He
probably kicks puppies or switches


                       NATE (cont'd)
old people's medicine.
Dan looks up in utter confusion.
We hear another smash from the common room.

Gerry walks back in.
Hey Dan, can I use your cell phone
really quick?
What happened to mine?
I'm gonna get you a new one, don't
Nate and Kath sit at a table eating rolls.
I mean if you listen to the
classics like Bob Dylan and Bruce
Springsteen, those guys, they had
something to say, Their lyrics
meant things. "Thunder Road" is
one of the most beautiful love
songs ever written. Today your
idea of a love song is something
by Lady Gaga. It's throwaway pop
Nate, I'm nervous.
Me too. I mean our generation has
nothing to show for itself besides
"I Kissed A Girl" and "Party Rock
No. About us.


Why, what's wrong?
I'm afraid of attachment.
How so?
What if I really start to like
you? What happens if I get
attached to you and you break my
Why would I ever do something like
Because that's what happens Nate!
Don't you see?
A beat.
I'm going to end up falling for
you and I'm going to need you in
my life and some day you won't be
there and I'll be devastated. I
don't want to let that happen to
So basically you're assuming that
you're going to get hurt so you're
putting up a wall so that you
can't like me enough to care if I
break your heart?
What happens if we break up?
It's only been a month. Isn't this
kind of heavy for this stage in
our relationship?


I'm just warning you Nate. I have
to keep you at a distance so I
don't get hurt. The only way I can
save us is to stay away from you
Nate looks to the camera.
This is normal for a 19 year old
kid to be dealing with a month
into his first relationship,
      (a beat)
I didn't think so.
A subtitle reads "Sophomore Year" at the bottom of the
Nate, Gerry, Chris, John, Jeff, Tim, and Dan all sit in the
common room, talking during a party. The camera shows the
different guys as Nate mentions them.
Let me get you up to speed. It's
now sophomore year and nothing too
eventful happened since you saw me
last. I'm still dating Kath and
just about every dinner we had has
gone the same as the last one you
just saw, and I've made a solid
group of new guy friends. Let me
introduce you. This is Chris. He
is potentially the pickiest guy
I've ever met in my life. No
matter what, he'll find something
wrong with a girl.
Chris walks along a line of girls. He is wearing a white lab
coat and has a clipboard.

First he approaches Taylor Swift.


You're way too tall for me. If you
wore heels I'd look like Danny
DeVito next to you.
He continues walking and approaches Meagan Fox.
I have trouble believing that's
your natural hair color.
He continues walking and approaches Katy Perry.
"California Gurls?" Did you really
have to spell girls with a "u?"
He shakes his head and walks off.
The camera lands on Tim, wearing sweatpants and a plaid
button down shirt that is unbuttoned.
This is my buddy Tim. We all call
him Timmy Walnuts. I have no clue
why. For some reason Tim radiates
confidence and girls seem to take
pretty well to that. He dresses
like he's homeless but he gets
more girls than a Melissa Ethridge
Tim stands by himself surveying the room. His glance lands
on a GIRL AT PARTY, way out of his league.

He walks over to her.
Excuse me.
                       GIRL AT PARTY
I'm Tim and I can do things other
guys can't.


                       GIRL AT PARTY
Right, well I have a boyfriend.
That's cool. I have a physics exam
on Monday.
                       GIRL AT PARTY
Oh I'm sorry. I thought we were
talking about things we can cheat
                       GIRL AT PARTY
You're awfully cocky huh?
Yes I am.
He looks down at his groin and winks at the girl.

She bites her lips and gives him a menacing smile.
About a week ago Tim started
dating this redhead girl that we
call Ginny Weasley. Spoiler alert,
it doesn't work out.
The camera goes to John. He is dressed like a hipster.
Meet John. He used to have a pony
tail but we told him we wouldn't
hang out with him if he didn't cut
it off. John had a girlfriend for
a while but she kind of cheated on
him. I say kind of because she
hadn't actually met the guy in


John sits down at his computer.

As Nate narrates John's mouth drops and he looks growingly
The last time John used Skype was
during the past summer. He and his
girlfriend Kim logged onto her
account. She accidentally saved
her password onto his Skype so
when he opened it up it
automatically logged onto her
account. As it turns out she was
having cyber sex with a Croatian
Aw! Fucking whore!
He's doing a lot better and was
somehow able to forgive her. His
rational was that cyber sex
doesn't involve anything physical.
He equated it to going on Chat
Roulette and accidentally seeing a
dick. Definitely not cheating. The
building we're in is a dorm called
Humarock. Its basically a mobile
home on campus and we all live
Gerry walks up to Nate.
Kath looks like she's in a pretty
good mood tonight. You guys doing
I think she's just drunk. To be
honest I don't know what's good
and bad with us anymore because it
goes back and forth so fast. Our
entire relationship is like a
bipolar race car driver. We're


                       NATE (cont'd)
going steady and then all of a
sudden she decides to swerve and
crash into a wall and we burst
into flames before we even had
time to enjoy the lead.
Did you really just think of that
comparison off the top of your
Of course not. I've had months and
months to ponder this. I came up
with that analogy yesterday.
It's good, I like it.
John makes an announcement to the house.
Yo! It's 11:30 right now. Five
minutes and we're heading out to
the dance party.
Let's see if I actually make it
there this time.
When was the last time you
actually went?
I mean I don't wanna put a date on
it but it was the first night I
met Kath. That's the last time she
wanted to go.
Well she looks better, so
hopefully tonight...
A drunk Kath walks up to Nate and interrupts Gerry.
Nate can I talk to you for a
minute before we go?


Kath grabs Nate by the hnd and leads him outside to a picnic
bench in front of Humarock.
Kath and Nate sit down on the bench.
      (to Kath)
What's up?
      (to the camera)
Just to clarify, I already know
what's up. This is literally the
exact same way every weekend night
has gone since you saw me last.
Just watch.
I want to go dance tonight.
Really? Are you sure?
Well, I don't want to, and I'm
going to feel really uncomfortable
the entire time we're there, but
if you want to go we can go.
See this always happens Kath. You
can't tell me you're going to feel
uncomfortable and then suggest we
go. Then if we still go it's
because I want to and it seems
like I'm making you. You're
setting me up to fail.
Kath looks blankly at Nate for a moment and then bursts into
tears and smothers her face into Nate's chest.

The rest of the guys and a bunch of other people all exit
the house.
You guys coming?
Go ahead without us.


Nate shakes his head affirmatively.
Yo Nate! You coming!?
Chris smacks him in the chest.
What the fuck man?
Chris points to Nate and Kath.
Oh shit! Is Kath crying again?
Come with us you dumbass.
Chris and John drag Jeff away.
Good luck.
Gerry and the rest of the group walk away.
      (in the distance)
Mom and Dad are fighting again!
I'm sorry I'm such a mess right
now Nate. I don't mean to be this
emotional. I'm just trying so hard
to get through this.
I understand Kath. Whatever you
need I'm here for you. Don't push
it unless you're ready.


Kath stops crying and her head jolts up from Nate's chest.
What's wrong?
Stop agreeing with me!
You're being overly agreeable and
it's manipulating!
What the hell are you talking
You're trying to get me to do what
you want by pretending you agree
with me! Stop trying to control
I'm not trying to control you.
What are you talking about?
Kath shakes her head angrily.
I'm cold. Come back to my room.
They stand up and begin to walk to her dorm.

Nate pauses for a minute and looks down the path to his
friends that are all shouting and having a great time.
Nate sits down on Kath's bed.

She locks the door behind them and sits down next to him.


Nate, I did it again, didn't I?
Did what?
I had a freak out and I ruined the
No, you didn't. It's fine.
Nate, I'm so sorry. I ruined
everything. You're so nice and
understanding and I'm awful to
you. Can you forgive me?
Of course Kath.
They hug for a moment and then she moves her head up and
begins to passionately kiss him. They kiss for a moment and
she pushes him down so they both lay vertically.

After a moment, she abruptly stops kissing him.
What? What's wrong?
What the hell are you doing!?
I thought we we're hooking up.
Nate! Didn't you listen to
anything I said earlier?
We never said anything about
hooking up.
About control Nate!
A beat.


Listen to me Nate. I'm not playing
this game. If I do something that
gives you pleasure then I'm giving
you control over me.
What about something we both like?
I can do something to you?
No Nate! If you're doing something
to me then I'm putting myself in a
vulnerable position and letting my
guard down. That gives you
I'm sorry if this is just me or
something, but that makes no sense
Kath jumps off of the bed and walks towards the door.
Hold on.
She unlocks the door and brings in DR. RUTH.
Can you explain this to him better
than I can?
                       DR. RUTH
You see, Katherine had a very bad
relationship with her father when
she was younger. Although not
physically abusive, he was very
emotionally neglectful. He was
never someone she could talk to
and was the main reason for the
deterioration of his marriage to
Katherine's mother. Because her
first, and most dominant male
relationship was so negative, she
now has an overall poor attitude
regarding men and as a result has
control issues with you. You
haven't done anything wrong but
the fact that you are a male
creates a wall for her. Sex is the


                       DR. RUTH (cont'd)
ultimate form of control and as a
result she has a hard time letting
her guard down enough to be
intimate with you.
Do you get it now?
So her relationship with her
father has been projected onto
every other male she interacts
                       DR. RUTH
Unfortunately yes.
I guess it makes sense.
Thank you Dr. Ruth. That's all we
need for now.
                       DR. RUTH
No problem at all dear.
Dr. Ruth smiles wide and exits the room.
You see Nate? We can't hook up or
else I'll hold it against you.
So what do we do? We just don't do
anything sexual anymore?
If we want this to work I need to
take that off the table for now. I
just can't deal with it and I'll
tear us apart if I have to think
about it.
You're worth it to me.


She smiles and hugs Nate tightly.
Nate, John, Gerry, and Chris sit at a dinner table eating.
So... That is where we're at.
There is a moment before anyone says anything.
No sex?
Blow jobs?
Hand jobs?
Well, that's probably good. Nobody
likes a hand job anyways. Look,
stick out your finger.
Nate sticks out his index finger and Chris tugs on it.
Does that feel good?
Didn't think so. You don't want
that anyways.
I don't want to be the 400 pound
gorilla in the room but what she
said makes no sense.


Yeah, I'm with Gerry. Except for
the hand jobs. Literally nobody
likes hand jobs.
It's not that bad.
Hand jobs?
No. No, not hand jobs. Me and
Kath. It's not that bad. I kind of
get it.
So basically the situation is that
you and Kath can't hook up or do
anything sexual, if you're nice
she thinks you're manipulating
her, and if you try to do anything
she doesn't agree with then you're
being controlling? Right?
Nate pauses, thinking for a moment.
Well, I mean if you put it like
that and you cram it all
So that's exactly what it is.
Can I ask something without you
getting offended?
See I hate when people start
sentences like that, with "no
offense" or "don't take this the
wrong way" or something. If you
have to preface something with "no
offense" then chances are it's
going to offend me.
Nate takes a bite of his meal and there is a brief pause.
Soooo... can I ask?


Why do you like her?
See, I knew it! You said "not to
offend you" and then you asked me
why I like my girlfriend.
It's an honest question.
Relationships are part physical
and part emotional. She took out
all the physical stuff and she
borders on being emotionally
abusive with the way she calls you
controlling so I'm legitimately
asking you why you like her.
That's where I run into a problem.
At this point I don't like her.
Okay then.
I love her.
Nate takes another bite of his food without looking up.
Gerry, Chris, and John all give each other looks.
Over the next seven or eight
months things got progressively
worse for all of us.
Chris is on his laptop on Facebook looking at the page of
somebody named Rebecca Rossi. He reads through her comments
and looks through her pictures with a sad look on his face.

As Nate narrates, Chris walks through his room and removes
pictures of himself and Rebecca and throws them in the


After two years of searching for
the perfect girl Chris finally
stopped being so picky and settled
for a girl named Rebecca Rossi. We
called her saucy Rossi. As it
turned out, that sauce was made of
venom. After only a month of two
she told him she loved him, she
wanted to marry him, have kids
with him, and then stopped talking
to him and got back with her old
boyfriend without notice. He was
devastated. It was the first time
he'd ever said "I love you" and
meant it and it was the first time
he'd ever cried over a girl.
John sits on his house computer with his arms crossed,
chewing on his fingernails. He goes to click on Skype
several times but doesn't.

After several short stops, he opens it up. He looks shocked
and angry.
As it turns out, Kim wasn't just
having cyber sex. She was having
real sex. And not just real sex,
but she visited the Croatian guy a
few times... in Croatia. She went
on vacation with him and his
family. Yup, John was 19 years
old... and his girlfriend had an
affair. The type of thing that
happens to middle aged men when
they work too much happened to a
19 year old Poli-Sci major. That
screwed him up a little bit.
Fucking whore!
The biggest thing we couldn't
figure out is why she used the
same Skype account to talk about
going on vacation with the guy.


                       NATE (cont'd)
Maybe she wanted him to know... no
that's definitely not it, she was
just really stupid.
Gerry is in his room on the phone. He is yelling at first
but then he gets visibly saddened and tries to fight back
And Gerry. Dear God, poor Gerry.
After things finally started to
get better between him and his
girl from home she absolutely
destroyed him. For the first time
in two years he thought things
were going to be okay when she
called him up and said that she
had run into an old flame. In a
phone call that lasted less than
four minutes she broke up with him
and told him that she was getting
back together with her old boy
back in California.
Please don't do this to me.
Please... Ashley? Ashley?
Gerry sobs hysterically and winds up to throw his phone.
Instead he drops his arm and puts his face into his hands.
I've known Gerry for about 8 years
now and I know him better than
just about anyone else does. I can
honestly say that this was rock
bottom for him. I don't think I'd
ever see someone that low
before... And me? Some things
happened to me too.
Nate and Kath sit at a table in the restaurant.


They both have empty plates in front of them and they sit
looking around in an awkward silence for a few seconds
before speaking.
So... How did you like your meal?
It wasn't bad. What about you?
It wasn't bad. I'm full now
Oh, me too.
They look around the restaurant again for a few seconds.
Where's that waitress?
Yeah, I wish she'd bring us the
Nate calls out to a waitress, ALLISON, walking by.
Excuse me? Can we have the check
No room for desert?
No, not tonight.
Did you guys enjoy your meals?
It was great, thank you.
Nate gives the waitress a fake smile as she takes their

He looks over at Kath who is looking down and his fake smile
leaves his face.


I'll just leave this here for you
guys. There's no rush so take your
She places the check in the middle of the table. She walks
away and Nate reaches for it.
Can I pay?
Don't be silly Kath.
How is that silly? You always pay.
I'm taking you out on a date. I
want to pay.
Why can't I take you out on a
You can sometime.
Then let me pay.
Kath come on.
Come on what? Why do you always do
Do what?
You make me feel like I don't
What are you talking about?
You make me feel like you don't
take me seriously. Why can't I pay
every once in a while? You make it
seem like you always take me out
and I never do anything for you. I


                       KATH (cont'd)
want to feel like I contribute
Kath, I'm paying for your dinner.
It's just money, it doesn't
matter. You're not a...
How can you say it doesn't matter?
I don't matter as a girlfriend?
What I want doesn't matter?
Kath, you're reading too much into
this. I'm trying to be a good guy
and buy you a meal. Why can't you
just say "thank you" and
appreciate that?
So that's why you're doing this?
You just want appreciation? Why do
you always need to get something
out of me?
Get something out of you? What?
All I'm saying is that I'm trying
to do something nice and you're
turning it against me.
Kath starts to cry.
I can't do this anymore.
Kath, I can't hear you.
I said I can't do this anymore.
A beat.
What do you mean? What can't you


We don't work Nate. I don't know
why, but we don't. I know in my
heart we don't. I want to so bad,
I swear to God I do, but we don't
Kath, please stop.
Look at us Nate! We're fighting
over a dinner check. We can't keep
doing this. I'm picking us apart
because I know we don't work. I
know you know it too. When was the
last time we actually laughed
together? When was the last time
you said you were happy with me
and meant it?
Kath I love you.
Nate I... Just because you love
someone doesn't mean you should be
together. Look at us. Look at what
we've become. I can't do this
anymore. WE can't.
Kath stands up from the table and walks off. Nate remains.
We just can't.
Nate looks around, completely dumbfounded by what just
happened. He turns to the booth behind him.
Did that... did that really just
happen? Like the way I thought it
Nate sits in Humarock with Gerry, Chris, and John. Nate is
drinking a beer.
Wait seriously?


Yeah. That's literally exactly how
it happened.
Over a check?
I think so?
I'm... sorry?
It's not your fault man. You did
what you could, you just got off
ten stops too late.
I don't think I really give a
shit. I honestly don't care.
      (he laughs)
I honestly don't care! Like think
about that. We broke up over a
check. That makes no fucking
You're taking this pretty well
Think about it though. How can you
not laugh? That makes no sense
whatsoever. Is that even logical?
She turned me paying for the check
into me trying to get something
out of her.
Nate bursts out laughing.
You're kind of scaring me dude.
Oh so it scares you that I think
this situation is funny, but it
never scared you when I spent two
years dating someone who wouldn't
even kiss me because that would be
controlling? What the fuck!?


I guess that's good, I just hope
this isn't some kind of denial.
No, it's the numbness factor.
The what?
The numbness factor. You checked
out of that relationship a while
ago. You knew it was going sour
and you knew how miserable it made
you every day so you were detached
anyways. You just didn't know any
That actually kind of makes sense.
You guys know how sucky this has
been. I think you're right. I
haven't cared in a while.
Can I ask you something?
Be my guest.
Was that your first serious
Yeah, why?
Like nothing in high school or
Gerry, John, and Chris all exchange worried looks.
Oh shit.


In unison.
Freud! Sigmund Freud?
Yes, I know who he is.
Obviously you've heard the theory
that history repeats itself.
Of course.
Well Freud had a similar theory
only it was about relationships.
He said that your first
relationship is destined to become
the relationship that defines all
of your future relationships.
You subconsciously use it as a
framework to shape your
interactions with all girls in the
You go into everything with
expectations based on what
happened in the first big
You're cursed.
Oh, come on!


I'm serious man. It happens to
That's what happened with me and
Saucy. I thought it was more
serious than it was because of my
girlfriend in high school. I went
too fast and I got too attached
and when she didn't care as much
as I did I wasn't ready for it. I
used to be happy man. And then
Freud came full circle.
Dude, look at me and Ashley. I
used to be happy with her and now
I'm a complete shell of a man. I
refuse to even look at other girls
because I know the same thing will
You guys are absolutely off your
ass. Off your ass. Like so far off
your ass.
Just wait man.
Just remember what we said. We
used to be happy. Freud is never
wrong. Never.
A subtitle reads "Two Months Later."
Nate sits in his car in a parking lot. He is wearing a polo.

Gerry walks over from the side, opens the car door, and gets
So where are we going, Panera,
Owen's, or Mario's?


I'm kind of feeling Panera. The
lobster roll is in season right
That's like 16 bucks.
Who cares? I'm in that kind of
mood. I'm in a $16 lobster roll
What's making you so happy today?
Remember Lindsay?
Gerry raises his hands in the air in confidence. Both guys
scream in joy.
No you didn't!
I did! Dude, I'm telling you, I
had the best night of my life.
You greasy little shit. I can't
believe you pulled that off with
that tiny little Tic Tac you have
down there.
Don't knock the Tic Tac, the Tic
Tac has done quite well for what
it is.
Well good for the Tic Tac.
Speaking of which.
Gerry undoes his belt and fiddles around with his pants.


Whoa, whoa, what the hell are you
doing? Don't whip it out in my
I'm just checking when the last
time I...
Nate looks over and both guys scream.
Goddammit, when was the last time
you shaved?
Holy Christ, I didn't even
realize. Poor Lindsay.
Dude, put that shit away.
Oh God, it's like a wooly mammoth.
Come on man, put it away before it
sheds on my car.
Goddamn man, I love being single!
I'm not sure if I like you being
You know you love it too! We're
free men.
You're right man. I've never felt
this good.
I don't want to screw us over, but
we're better off without them.
They were toxic.
Completely. It's so much easier to
justify being in a bad
relationship when you're in it
then when you finally get out and


                       NATE (cont'd)
take a step back. I couldn't see
it when I was dating Kath, but now
I see it.
We were miserable man. We hated
everything about our lives but we
wouldn't see past their faces.
But we're out now and we're living
this shit up.
Amen, brother. Amen.
A beat.
Is it possible that Freud was
Oh, absolutely not. We're screwed
in the long run, but for now we're
living it up.
Wait seriously?
Oh yeah, most definitely. We're
doomed to repeat that shit in
every relationship we have from
now on, but for right now we're
not in relationships, so were
happy as pigs in shit.
Wait, so you still think we're in
trouble in the end?
Most definitely. Even if we find
something to distract us from it
at the moment, Freud's never
That's incredibly pessimistic.


Whether it's pessimistic or
optimistic doesn't matter much.
It's a reality. It sucks but it's
a reality. We're going to end up
miserable, so we might as well
have fun now, right?
A beat.
That is so fucked up.
Hey, freud never said his theories
were pretty.
John, Nate, Tim, Chris, and Gerry are all in the Humarock
common room getting ready for the night.

Nate is wearing a white button up with dark jeans.
Is this shirt good with the dark
You look fine man.
Are you sure? I have lighter ones
too that i can...
Nate. You look great.
Nate, I'd do you in a heartbeat,
and only because of the dark
If I don't get laid tonight it's
your fault.


Where are we going tonight?
Do the trifecta? Mariachi's,
Hoy-Yon, then Owen's?
Can we skip Hoy-Yon?
Nah come on let's go. I've never
had a scorpion bowl from them
Those things do kind of suck
though. They're like 8 bucks and
they taste like wood.
Fine, let's just do Mariachi's and
Owen's then.
Five dude's getting house
Margarita's in a Mexican cantina.
Nothing screams hetero more than
Jesus Christ, do you want to skip
Mariachi's too?
No I don't. I was to go there and
get a frozen strawberry margarita
with a little umbrella and a
toothpick with cherries on it and
then I want to circle jerk it with
you guys at the bar.
Owen's it is.
Look what you started John. Hope
you're happy.
John smiles.
I used to be happy?


I'll drive if it gets us out of
here any faster.
Beautiful, leggo.
Nate, John, Chris, Tim, and Gerry walk into the bar. It's
mildly crowded.
I got the first pitcher.
Chris walks up to the bar, money in hand. JOEY, the
bartender points at Chris.
Pitcher of beer?
How many glasses?
Joey begins to pour the pitcher.

Chris turns around and looks around. His face suddenly

SAUCY is standing across the way. She is with her boyfriend,
TONY, a guy of small stature with poorly grown facial hair.
His hand is on her lower back.
And of course as soon as Chris was
ready to have fun again, Saucy
shows up. And of course she was
with her boyfriend. And of course
he had his hand on her lower back.
And of course, Chris saw every bit
of it.
Joey returns with the pitcher and glasses.
$8.50... Hey! $8.50.
Chris turns back around to Joey.


What? Oh, sorry, thanks.
Chris hands Joey a ten dollar bill and walks back towards
the table with the guys. He puts it down on the table with
the glasses.
Enjoy guys. I'm taking off.
He turns and walks away, out of the bar.
Whoa what?
Where you going?
What the hell was that?
Is he really leaving?
Nate looks across the way and sees Saucy.
Oh there we go.
Nate points at Saucy.
Oh for Christ sake.
What do we do?
Well we have to go follow him.
Can we finish the pitcher first?
You guys finish it. I have some
things to say to that bitch.
Nate gets up from the table and walks up to Saucy.


Hey, what the fuck is wrong with
Do you have any idea what you did
to Chris? You broke his goddamn
He's still hung up on that? Tell
him to get over me. Give me a
Give you a break? Give you a
break!? Are you fucking kidding
me? You took my best friend,
promised him the world, made him
fall in love with you, and then
dumped him to get back together
with this scrawny little sack of
He points to Tony.
What the hell is your...
Pee Wee Herman, shut the fuck up
before I step on you.
He closes his mouth.
Now you listen to me you soul
eating, scum sucking, devil woman,
you stay the hell away from Chris
from now on. Even if you
accidentally show up to a place
where he's at, we will make your
life a living hell. I'm talking
fire and brimstone lightning
reining down on your fat fucking


If you ruin even another second of
his life I will destroy everything
you have ever loved. Including
this pock-faced little bitch.
He points to Tony.
From now on, you're a ghost. And
if you're not...
Nate grits his teeth and shakes his head in anger.
Dont. Fucking. Test me.
We won't! We're leaving now. Come
on Becca.
No we're leaving. Now!
They both turn and exit the bar.

People around him all start clapping. He smiles
But of course, that's not at all
how it happened. See I have this
problem where I think that I'm a
lot tougher than I actually am. As
it turns out, I'm actually a
scared little boy trapped in a
man's body who avoids
confrontation at every turn.
The scene cuts back to right as Nate was getting up from the
table to talk to Saucy.

He walks towards her. As he gets within a couple feet of
her, she turns and notices him.
Oh, hey Nate!


Hi Becca!
Nate continues past her and walks out the front door.
Like I said, scared little boy
trapped in a man's body.
Chris is moving items around in the freezer.

After a couple of moments he pulls out a bottle of Crown
      (to the bottle)
There you are, you little shit.
Nate, Tim, Gerry, and John walk in the house.
Oh hey guys! I was just about to
drown myself is whiskey. Anyone
care to join?
I'm not a big whiskey guy.
Right right.
Chris opens up the fridge and tosses Nate a beer.
Here you go.
Nate catches the beer and looks at the other guys quietly.
You guys mind giving us a minute?
Yeah, I have to take a call real
quick anyways.
John points to his door.


I have to.. uh... I'm gonna take a
They all leave.
You alright man?
Chris pours a shot and laughs.
My dude, I am fantastic.
he takes the shot and cringes a little
She's not worth it man.
Chris pours another shot as he talks.
Believe me I know. But isn't that
the bitch of it? You know, I know
how much she sucks but I can't get
over it because I know she's
happy. And I'm not.
He pauses for a moment, staring off at nothing and then
takes the shot, cringing much less this time.
Nate looks down at his beer and cracks it open.
You're better off man. Take a look
at her. I mean you don't want to
be with someone who treats people
like that.
You're right, I don't. But the
thing I can't get passed is that
she wasn't like this when she was
with me. She wasn't. I mean... I
mean it was like a switch just got
flipped. Like, like something
possessed her all of a sudden. She
turned into such a bitch over
That happens with some people man.
Sometimes people change. Or
sometimes people don't change and


                       NATE (cont'd)
they just hide the truth for a
little while.
So she either never cared about me
and just needed something to do
for a little while, or I wasn't
enough to keep her interested and
her heart died overnight. Awesome
He goes to take a shot but the glass is empty.
Well, fuck me.
He pours another shot. Nate takes a sip of his beer.
You don't need her. Just have fun
man. It's college. Just go out and
do your thing. You don't need to
be talking about marriage and kids
and shit yet. You have your whole
life for that.
Nate, I love you to death but you
wont be thinking like that soon. I
know you're in this whole single
free mode now but that won't last.
We have our whole life to talk
about marriage and everything but
one day, you're gonna wake up and
realize you're forty and that
while everyone else was having
that talk you were ignoring it and
now there's nobody left.
Thanks for the optimism.
I'm literally dripping with
I can see that.
Listen, listen, no disrespect but
you don't know what I'm going
through with this. I've been


                       CHRIS (cont'd)
single man, I have been fucking
single. And then I decided I
needed something more stable. I
got it and then she tore it out
from under me. Being single is
fun, but it wears off. And when it
He puts the shot close to his mouth.
You feel it... Man, do yo feel it.
Chris takes the shot and barely even blinks.

Nate doesn't say anything and takes a big sip of beer.
Nate walks into his room. Gerry is sitting on his laptop.
When Nate walks in Gerry turns around.
How's he doing?
Not great man. He's pretty down.
I fucking hate girls. They make
you think everything's perfect and
then they toss you out like
garbage. It's bullshit.
I don't know man. They moved so
fast at first and then she just
killed him. If she didn't want
anything she should've said so.
Nate takes a sip of beer.
I know what he's going through
man. That's the same shit Ashley
pulled with me. At least she's
3000 miles away so I don't have to
worry about seeing her every time
I go out.


I can't even imagine.
Gerry picks up a beer and puts it in the air towards Nate.
Here's to avoiding relationships
for the rest of our lives.
They clink cans.
Cheers man.
They both take a sip and pause for a beat.
Our attitudes suck!
They both burst out laughing.
Christ I know! I wish we could
just sit around like this and have
fun forever. Like jobs? I don't
want that shit.
Oh my God, me either man. Like we
complain about being stressed out
right now, we have no idea.
Oh we're screwed. I have no clue
what I want to do with my life.
Isn't it sad to think that a
couple years from now if we have
And that's a big if.
If we have jobs we're going to be
working in a cubicle for 40 hours
a week doing something we hate,
only to make someone who's already
rich even richer? Like think about


We'll work 9-5 five days a week,
we'll get home and be too tired to
do anything else so we'll watch TV
and fall asleep.
And when the weekend comes we can
either do nothing and be miserable
or we can go to a bar and get shit
looks from everyone who thinks
we're too old to be there.
I want to be 21 forever man. I'm
serious we live the fucking life.
We have like ten hours of class a
week, we drink all we want, we
live 5 feet away from out best
friends... it doesn't get much
better than this.
All downhill from here man.
They both laugh a little and take a drink but their faces
get slightly more serious as if they realize that the future
holds very little prospect.
That really does suck doesn't it?
It kind of does. We don't have a
lot to look forward to.
I mean if we find something we
actually like doing we'll be fine.
There is nothing that I like doing
enough to do forty hours a week
and get no recognition for.
Think about it man. What do you
like doing? You like playing
guitar, you like writing... you
like hooking up with people.
Realistically are you gonna get


                       GERRY (cont'd)
paid to do that 40 hours a week?
I hope so man!
      (he laughs)
You hope so, but realistically
that's never going to happen.
We're going to end up doing
something we don't mind most of
the time.
I can live with that.
If doing something you don't mind
is the peak of your job
enjoyment... that sucks.
It pays the bills though.
If I had a choice between doing
something I love and being dirt
poor or doing something I can live
with and being kind of okay, I'd
choose being poor any day. If I
could live here for the rest of my
life and work at McDonalds I
would. No question in my mind.
I probably would too.
Like I said man, this is the peak
of our lives... and it's not gonna
last forever.
Gerry turns back around to his computer. Nate looks off with
a blank stare and takes another sip of beer.
Back to the present. Nate looks at the camera.


That conversation was a turning
point for me. I realized how
desolate things seemed and I
didn't want to be alone anymore. I
had gone almost 3 years without
being in a single good
relationship. I decided that I
needed to make a change. I don't
mean I went out looking for love
but I wasn't in that closed off
mindset any more. What happened
would happen and I'd enjoy it... I
thought. As it turns out if you
enter a relationship just because
you're afraid of the future, it
scares you even more. Nothing
against the other person, but if
you aren't ready, you aren't
Nate and John sit in the common room of Humarock watching
"Annie Hall" on TV.
Can I tell you something?
Aw, I love you too Nate.
Shut up. For real though, I've had
a revelation.
This sounds bad.
I think I'm ready to date again.
And what makes you think that.
I'm just bored being single. I
don't know, me and Gerry we...
Gerry and I.


You said "me and Gerry." The
proper way to say it is "Gerry and
Right, but we were talking, and I
realized that I have nothing to
look forward to in life.
So what does that have to do with
dating? If you have nothing to
look forward to why would you
If I'm going to be miserable I
might as well share it with
That's really your attitude? If
you're going to have a bad life
you should drag someone down with
That's a bad way of explaining it.
I'm just saying if life is going
to suck I should have someone to
make me even the slightest bit
That's such a bad reason to date
That's not self-preservation,
that's using someone to cure
Yeah that's what I said.


Freud man. I can already tell.
What do you mean?
Kath used you because she was
insecure about herself and she
wanted to feel like someone cared
about her. You're about to do the
same to someone else.
I don't think that's the same
thing at all.
No, that's literally the exact
same thing. You're just using this
poor girl.
This girl doesn't even exist yet.
She exists as an idea and that
means that that idea can someday
come to fruition in the form of a
real person. This real person is
going to be used to deal with the
fact that you're not satisfied
enough with yourself to be on your
own. All you're going to do is put
this girl through hell so that you
don't have to do it alone.
A beat.
See when you say it all like that
it sounds so much worse than it
actually is.
No it sounds exactly the way it
is. You have no soul.
That may be true.


It's Freud. You're destined to
repeat the misery. Whether you
bring someone else into that it
your choice.
A beat.
Can't you just lie and say I'll be
A beat.
Back to present day.
For time reasons I'll skip the
next 4 weeks of my life. I'll
leave it up to your imagination
but I met a new girl, thought I
fell in love, and went way too
fast for my own good.
Nate holds up a picture of Izzy.
This is Izzy. Her real name is
Elisabeth but everyone called her
Izzy. She was great. We had 400
mutual friends and for some reason
we'd never met before. She really
was an absolute sweetheart and I
wish things had worked out. But
John was right. Freud completely
fucked me over.
Nate looks away from the camera.
Psychoanalytical asshole.
A beat.

He looks back at the camera.


Anyways, we had an intense few
months before things unravelled. I
can't say I regret them but I
almost wish for her sake they
never happened. Almost.
Montage. The song "So Happy Together" by the Turtles plays
over the scene.
Nate and Izzy walk hand in hand laughing on the quad.
Izzy bumps her cone on Nate's nose and gets ice cream on it.
This montage and music is supposed
to give you a sense of how happy
we were.
Nate and Izzy go for popcorn at the same time and then end
up throwing it at each other while laughing.
That's the whole point of a
montage right? To show a lot of
stuff at once to give you the gist
of everything that happened during
that time.
Nate points behind Izzy and when she looks away he reachers
over and steals a piece of pasta. She looks back quickly and
catches him. They both laugh.
Wouldn't that be great if we could
live in a montage? Just skip all
the shit and only live through the
good moments?


Izzy gets a hole in one and she and Nate both jump in the
air and hug. He twirls her around.
Sadly that's not the case. In
between the montages we have to go
through the stomach aches, the
fights, the deaths, the 9-5's, the
bills, the car problems.
Nate and Izzy cuddle under a blanket with the lights off.

Her head rests on his shoulder and she looks like she's
about to fall asleep.
A montage represents everything
that we want life to be. I wish
life was a montage but it's not.
Life goes by much slower and the
happy moments are fewer and
farther between.
Back to present day.
You know originally, I was going
to show you a scene where Izzy and
I talk about how we love each
other and how we've never felt
this incredible about someone else
every before. But now I'm not
going to. She's too good for that.
Everything you would have heard us
say you can infer from the
montage. We were happy, we cared a
lot about each other... and then
the montage ended. It wasn't her
fault and there wasn't anything
she could've done to stop it. It
was just something inside me that
died. I can't explain it but
things started to change for me.


Nate, Gerry, and John sit in the common room watching TV.
I think you were right about Freud
Shit. What happened.
For some reason all of a sudden I
don't care about being with Izzy.
What do you mean you don't care?
I don't care. I just don't have
any feelings anymore. I'm...
A beat.
Yeah. I'm numb.
I told you man. Everything comes
full circle.
What do I do?
What do you mean?
How does this just turn off? I was
in love and now I'm in nothing.
Did she do anything wrong? Did you
guys fight?
She didn't have to do anything
wrong. It's inevitable. You're
destined to repeat your first
relationship. Unless you date one


                       JOHN (cont'd)
person and it goes perfectly then
you're always going to repeat the
first relationship that didn't end
well. There's nothing you can do
about it.
I think he needs a little more
hopeful advice right now John.
No. John's right. There is no
hopeful advice for this. I am not
capable of love right now and
there's absolutely no reason why.
I'm not even sad about it. I feel
like my soul just got injected
with fucking morphene.
Have you considered a therapist?
The therapist's office is clad with hundreds of leather
bound books on various wooden shelves. Any remaining space
on the walls is covered in framed awards and certificates of

The THERAPIST has a big bushy mustache and thick brimmed
glasses. He is wearing dockers, and a button up shirt with
no tie under a sweater vest and chews on an unlit pipe. He
legs are crossed and he has a paper and pen resting on his

He briefly removes the pipe from his mouth to speak to Nate.
So, what seems to be the nature of
your problems?
I'm dead inside and life seems
completely meaningless.
The Therapist briefly removes his pipe again.
Can you go into a little more
detail please?


Sure. Here's how I see life in a
nutshell. You grow up, your
parents give you either
unconditional love or they beat
you and screw you up from an early
age. Let's assume they give you
love, you end up resenting them
anyways. They put you through
school so you can get a degree
only to get a low paying job that
you hate at a business who's sole
goal is to make the rich richer.
Then you go home to your wife who
you don't even really love but you
married because you're afraid of
dying alone. You have kids of your
own who end up resenting you no
matter what you did to help them,
the same way you treated your
parents who are now dead. Then
your kids move out and you get
excitement out of going to Chile's
once a week, then you probably get
divorced because theres over a 51%
divorce rate in the country. You
grow old alone, only finding
solace in Scotch and watching CNN
and then your kids put you in a
nursing home. Then you die among
strangers. Then they bury you and
you become nothing more than dirt.
Two generations later nobody even
knows that you existed.
The therapist's jaw drops and his pipe falls out of his
Oh my God.
That's another thing.
Nate sits in a dim lit confessional and a PRIEST sits in the
next booth over.
How can you be so certain about an
all-loving God?


He has shown himself to me in many
ways. What makes you doubt the
existence of God?
What ways has He shown Himself to
Well, for instance, recently I was
sent to Honduras to do missionary
work. A group of students from
this very school joined me and
provided aid to the area which was
ravaged by poverty and famine.
You say God is all-loving right?
Yes my son. God loves all of his
creations equally.
Then why did God deal those people
in Honduras such shitty cards?
Well, um, my son...
If God loves all of his creations
equally then why does it seems
like he hates certain groups of
people? You say God showed his
love by sending compassion their
way but why did he screw them over
so bad in the first place? Instead
of sending students over to help
them out why doesn't he just help
them himself? We wouldn't need
charity if things weren't so bad
in the first place.
You see...
Famine, poverty, war...


... anger, hate, genocide,
Please, my son...
...rape, disease, divorce,
A beat.
I just don't understand how there
can be an all-loving God when
there's so much crap going on.
That's all I'm saying. Just seems
like God is a coping mechanism.
Please leave.
You got it Padre.
Nate stands up and leaves the confession booth. The priest
watches him leave and blesses himself once he exits.
Nate drives with the camera facing him. The only sound is
Nate's narration.
That entire summer was a blur. I
wen't though the motions but I
wasn't really there.
Nate waits on a table looking extremely melancholy. He shows
very little emotion and doesn't smile.


I knew in the back of my mind that
things with me and Izzy were going
to end and there was nothing I
could do about it.
Nate sits watching TV on his couch. His cat jumps up on his
lap and they stare at each other.
Something in me wasn't right and
it wasn't fair to drag her through
it while I figured myself out.
Nate and Izzy sit on his bed, still inaudible. Izzy looks
concerned as Nate talks.

After a few seconds her face drops and she begins to cry.
She looks as if she's begging him not to break up.
Remember what I said about
montages? This is my real montage.
The way life really was. No music,
no laughing, just silence on top
of desolation. That's how I was
all summer. I'm not trying to make
myself into a victim, because I'm
not. I broke Izzy's heart and
that's on me. But my life went
from happy to nothing overnight
and I couldn't explain it. I was
Back to present day. Nate talks to the camera.
Have you ever heard that joke
about the goldfish? A girl tells
her friend, "Guess what? I have a
new boyfriend." The friend
replies, "Oh. Well, I have a


                       NATE (cont'd)
goldfish." She doesn't understand.
The friend says, "Oh, I thought
they were both talking about
things that wouldn't last the
year." That was us. We were the
goldfish. In a year I knew I
wouldn't care at all. Call it a
pre-emptive flush. I had to get
rid of the goldfish before it had
the chance to realize how little
it mattered to her owner. Call me
an asshole, which I am, but I
saved Izzy the torment that I went
through with Kath. Rather than
faking it, I saved her the
trouble. I think I did the right
thing. I hope I did.
A caption reads "Senior Year."

Nate, Chris, Tim, John, Gerry, and Jeff are all in Rehoboth
getting ready for the night.

They each walk in and out of the common room repeatedly,
fixing their hair, rolling up their sleeves, putting on
overshirts, ect.
You done in the bathroom?
Nah, I'm still in there.
So who are we going for tonight?
No plans. Just going where the
night takes me.
I'm going for Amy I think.
The guys all stop for a moment and then burst out laughing.
Dude come on really?


What the hell?
You can do better man.
What do you mean? She's cute!
She's painfully pale man.
Her skin is pasty. It's like her
entire body just came out of a
Whatever man, I think she's cute.
None of that matter though,
because tonight is about Nate
being reintegrated back into
single life.
I've been single for a month!
Right, but you've refused to look
at another girl since you broke up
with Izzy.
Oh come on, not this again.
All we're saying is that since
this whole "death of your heart
thing" you've seemed to care more
about her feelings than you did
Holy shit, I feel bad! I'm pretty
sure I ruined her senior year
before it even started.
Nate, I have to be real with you.
We all loved Izzy, but if it
wasn't right it wasn't right.
People break up every day and it's


                       JEFF (cont'd)
not always someone's fault.
He's right man. I've known you for
four years and I know you're not a
dick. You're going through some
shit and sitting around killing
yourself about it isn't gonna
Yeah man, you did this because you
needed some time to yourself. Take
the time to yourself.
I am.
Let me rephrase. Take some time
for yourself to HAVE FUN.
Just let loose man. You'll figure
things out naturally. Don't try to
fix yourself, just let it happen.
Nate's blank face turns to a grin.
Fine. Fine! Let's take a shot.
The guys all emphatically agree.

John goes to the cabinet and takes out shot glasses.

Chris goes into the fridge and takes out a bottle of
We're going gold tonight guys.
Chris pours out shots for everyone.
Hey. To Nate being happy.
Trying to be happy. No promises.


Whatever, that's a good enough
start. To Nate trying to be happy.
They all put their shot glasses in and clink them together.
Cheers guys.
They all take the shot and cringe a little.

Chris puts his arm around Nate.
You ready to try to have fun
Here goes nothing.
The guys all cheer.
Nate, Chris, Tim, John, Gerry, and Jeff arrive at a
townhouse party.

A guy named JAKE opens the door with a beer.
Hey! What's up guys? Come on in.
Nate leans over to Chris.
Do we even know him?
I had intermediate accounting with
him sophomore year. Social
climber. But stay close because he
always gives out free shots to try
to make friends.
Got it.
People crowd the house playing various drinking games,
dancing, and talking.

Chris and John play beer pong, Jeff talks to a girl in a
corner, Gerry dances on the windowsill in sunglasses, Tim


takes shots with a crowd, and Nate talks in a hallway with a
tall, blonde girl, with big breasts and a low cut skirt.
Sometimes you have to live in the
moment, even if you end up
regretting it the next morning.
You have to make mistakes before
you can learn from them.
She grabs Nate by the hand and whispers something into his

He grins slightly and says something inaudible to her.

She pulls him down the hall into a room and the door closes.
Woody Allen once said, "Sex
without love is a meaningless
experience... but as far as
meaningless experiences go, it's a
pretty damn good one." Smart man.
Nate, Tim, Gerry, John, Chris, and Jeff sit at a table with
breakfast in front of them. They're all wearing shabby
clothing and are not put together.
So how was everyone's night?
Can't complain. Woke up with my
shirt on backwards and some very
angry text messages from Amy so
that's probably good.
Fought with Becca then had some
really good angry make up sex.
Got a solid DFMO.
A what?


Dance floor make out. Did the
I puked. Everywhere. I should
probably clean it soon actually.
Well how about you Nate? How was
your night?
Nate leans on his hands.
Fuck off.
Oh come on, we all know what
happened. Let's hear the details.
Seriously, stop. I feel awful.
What the hell do you feel awful
about? You got laid. Cheer up!
Gerry reaches over and pinches Nate by the cheek. Nate slaps
his hand away.
What if Izzy finds out?
Jesus Christ, you're single! You
can do this shit now!
No, I feel awful. I'm a shitty
person. I have this fucking void
in my heart and instead of filling
it with anything meaningful I fill
I'm filling it with beer and sex.
You have a void in your heart?
And what is this void from?


It's from the fact that I
literally can't have any kind of
meaningful relationship right now
and I hate myself for it.
Why can't you have a meaningful
Because I suck so I couldn't trust
anyone who loves me.
You're the cockiest kid alive.
That's bullshit.
I don't want to depend on anyone
else for my own happiness. And
that's why I can't date.
So you don't think you're capable
of a meaningful relationship right
That's what I said.
What do you think we are?
What do you mean?
No homo, but we're in a
relationship. Friendship is a
relationship. Just because you
don't want to date right now
doesn't mean you're dead inside
dumbass. It has nothing to do with
depending on someone else. We
depend on each other every day.
That's human nature. We rely on
each other to get by.
Haven't you ever seen "Into The
Wild?" Happiness is only real when
its shared.


Good movie.
Speaking of sharing, you and Gerry
are eskimo brothers now!
The guys continue to joke around with each other except for
Nate who is in deep though and realization.
That's when it clicked. As I sat
there eating my eggs and shitty
home fries I realized it. It
wasn't that I was dead inside, it
was just that I didn't want a
serious relationship with a girl
because right now I liked my guy
friends better. I wanted to sit
around and drink and bullshit. I
wasn't afraid of a starting a new
relationship, I was afraid of
losing my old ones. Don't get me
wrong, I love girls, but sometimes
talking about farts is funner than
snuggling. I didn't want to lose
that. I had my whole life to find
a girl, but senior year was only
another couple of months. Girls
would come and go… but these guys…
I had these guys behind me for
life. That was more important, and
right now it still is.
Back to present day.
Becca just broke up with me. I
could care less. You know, I said
earlier that desensitization was
the key to getting by. I think I
need to amend that. Desensitizing
yourself to things that don't
matter is the key. A year from now
I wont even remember much about
Nate stands up from the table with Becca and begins walking
through the restaurant.


He makes his way over to the bar area where Chris, Tim,
Gerry, John, Jeff, and Dan are all sitting at a cocktail
table eating wings, drinking beers, and laughing their asses
But a year from now, I'll still be
sitting around with these guys,
having a cookout, talking about
the same shit as always. Life may
seem pointless when you look at as
a whole. You lead a strange life
and then you die. You cant escape
death. But in between birth and
death, there are a million smaller
experiences like this. And when
you look back, that's what you're
going to remember. You're gonna
remember that time your buddy hit
on a girl and got mercilessly
rejected. You're gonna remember
the time you stole a stop sign
even though you had nowhere to put
it. You're gonna remember that
dumb thing you said that everyone
repeated for 5 years after the
fact... You know, for me,
happiness isn't about the big
picture anymore. It's about the
little moments that in the long
run don't mean much, but at the
time they make you smile and
laugh. It's a really good way to
distract you from the monotony of
life. Because once you get over
life, it's all gravy. I did used
to be happy, thats true. But you
know what? For the most part, I
still am.
Nate sits down with his friends, picks up a wing and bites
into it.

He looks to the camera one final time and winks.


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From steve Date 6/16/2012 ***1/2
I like this script. Its different, in a good way.

From Shawn Smith Date 6/1/2012 ***1/2
Great screenplay!!! I fell in love with Nate's character in seconds.

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