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by David Nelson (d.nelson.10@hotmail.com)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review: **1/2
"A dimwitted sewer worker joins forces with the redneck mafia to win his girlfriend back by becoming the local mobile home sales king."

This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.


Swarms of customers crowd in through the front doors. MUSIC
blares out into the parking lot every time the door opens.

A late 1970's EL CAMINO with fading black paint and an
orange driver's door takes up the nearest parking spot.

A flickering reader board advertises "Busch League Finals
Tonight, Busch Specials 9-Close, Featuring the Busch Girls."
Bowling teams in multi-colored SHIRTS cover every lane.
Waitresses in short skirts and tight tee-shirts circulate
with overflowing trays carrying tall CANS of Busch beer.
On lane 27, CLEATUS BONNER, mid 20's, thin with a slight
beer paunch and impressive mullet, concentrates on his next

Backing Cleatus are his teammates JIMMY JOHN MEEKS, 30'ish,
thin, prematurely bald, MAC JACKS, 40's, husky, curly hair,
and RAINARD BUTTS, also 40's, tall and stocky with a short
Come on, Cleatus, we need this one
to win the trophy!
Your perfect game is on the line!
I'll watch your beer!
Cleatus takes a deep breath, kisses his ball that has a
PICTURE of his girlfriend, Donna Lou, embedded in the clear
urethane, starts his approach, and throws the ball.

The MEN stand as the BALL, with Donna Lou spinning, makes
it's way down the lane. In slow motion, Donna's PHOTOGRAPH
strikes the head PIN and all ten pins go flying.

The men jump up and down screaming, crying and hugging each
other. Cleatus smiles, kisses the "I Love Donna Lou" tattoo
on his forearm, and joins in the celebration.


Cleatus, Rainard, Jimmy John and Mac sit around a large
table filled with Busch tall cans. The entire group drunk as
I'll tell ya, I never saw anything
like what you were throwing
tonight, Cleatus!
You keep that up, you just might
make the circuit!
Donna Lou would have loved that
She'll love the one I'm gonna give
her when I get home!
The men chuckle and take pulls off their beers.
Where is she, anyway?
Putting in some overtime at the
truck stop. Saving for her
cosmetology schooling.
That's a solid living,
Mac reaches under the table and brings out a medium size
wood BOX.
And speaking of making a living,
got a little something here for
Mac hands Cleatus the box. The other men strain to get a
What's this?


It's your one year anniversary
down at the plant. That's
compliments of yours truly. Go
ahead, open it up.
You didn't have to do that.
Thanks, Mac.
Cleatus opens the box and pulls out a green bowling ball.
He weighs it in his hands, then sees a CLASP on the side. He
pulls the clasp and the ball opens on a hinge.

Inside on one half is a photograph of Cleatus and on the
other half is a photograph of Donna Lou. All the men OOH and
AWE at the priceless heirloom. Mac beams.
      (breathless, near
It's beautiful.
Cleatus, Jimmy John, Rainard and Mac walk out the front
doors. Each tot a huge trophy.

The base is composed of 4 full size bowling PINS. On top of
the pins is a unisex bowling FIGURE, with shorts, medium
length hair and small breasts.

Amongst the various fliers on the door is an AD for, "The
57th Annual Mobile Living Jubilee." The men say good night
to each other and Rainard and Jimmy John walk off.

Cleatus gently puts his trophy in the back of his El Camino
while Mac finishes a beer.
I'm gonna do it, Mac, I'm gonna
ask her.
How exciting! Ask who what?
Donna Lou, I'm gonna ask her to
marry me.
      (looks to the sky)
Mac, this has been the best night
of my life. And tomorrow, I'm
gonna ask the girl of my dreams to


                       CLEATUS (cont'd)
spend the rest of her life with
You think you're ready for that?
Definitely, here, take a look at
Cleatus reaches in his pants pocket and pulls out a red ring
box with "Wal-Mart" stamped on the top. He opens the lid to
reveal a small gold RING with a tiny DIAMOND. Mac takes a
Oh my, is that real?
You bet it is. Took my whole
life's savings.
      (opens his car
Wish me luck, buddy.
Sure, good luck.
Beer CANS litter the brown patch of grass fronting Cleatus'
single wide late 1970's mobile home.

Matching DOG HOUSES sit haphazardly next to a failing deck
and stained barbecue. Assorted car PARTS and half finished
wood working projects surround two crooked saw horses.

Cleatus' EL CAMINO sits parked on the grass, a crushed
garbage can lodged under the front bumper.
The front door opens and DONNA LOU CREEKS exits the house
with a large garbage BUCKET. Donna is in her late 20's with
dirty blond hair and a large chest bulging out of a "Jerry's
Truck Stop, Put in 24/7" tee shirt.

She tosses the garbage over the side of the deck into an
already heaping pile of TRASH.


                       DONNA LOU
      (surveying the
Cleatus, God dammit, you need to
make a trip to the dump. Cleatus,
you hear me! Christ, this place is
starting to look like an ad for
white trash leisure world.
Donna heads back into the house.
Donna walks into a living room filled with LAUNDRY, a
flickering TV, assorted beer CANS and BOTTLES and a wall of
bowling TROPHIES. She looks down the length of the hall
toward the bedroom.
                       DONNA LOU
You gonna get to that dump!
Centered in the undersized bedroom is a king size WATER BED.
The headboard is massive and covers almost the entire rear
wall. Littering the headboard is a wide assortment of beer
bottles, cans and cigarette boxes.

Cleatus, sprawled out on his side wearing only leopard skin
UNDERWEAR, spoons with the giant trophy. His brown mullet
HAIRDO pointing in all directions. Snoring, a slight GRIN
covers his face.

A younger and better groomed Cleatus runs through a flower
filled field hand in hand with a smiling Donna Lou.

Donna Lou laughs as a Frisbee hits Cleatus in the crotch,
doubling him over.

Donna Lou spreads a picnic as Cleatus hides behind a tree
taking a leak while drinking a beer.

Cleatus struggles to carry Donna Lou through the door of his
mobile home. The living room filled with flowers and


Donna Lou stomps in.
                       DONNA LOU
Cleatus, wake up!
Cleatus stirs.
                       DONNA LOU
You gonna sleep 'till noon again?
Cleatus opens one eye, lets a loud belch fly, and smiles at
Donna Lou.
Opps, excuse me.
                       DONNA LOU
Jesus, what the hell am I doing
with you?
Donna Lou turns to leave.
Honey, please! Let me get you some
breakfast, eggs ala Cleatus!
Donna Lou returns to the living room, grabs a Piggly Wiggly
plastic bag and starts packing her shirts, panties and a
bra. Cleatus half limps down the hall in a very short kimono
ROBE. His skinny chest and slight paunch peek out.
Donna Lou, wait! What are you
                       DONNA LOU
Cleatus, I can't live like this
What are you talking about?
                       DONNA LOU
Are you kidding, Cleatus, just
look around this place.
Donna Lou and Cleatus both look around the trailer.


-Kitchen sink piled high with dirty dishes.


-Empty Banquet chicken dinner containers cover the counters.

-Heavy waters stains cover the ceiling.

-A piece of plywood half covers a hole in the floor in front
of the door.

-The retractable dining room table hangs from the wall.
I guess things are getting a
little run down.
                       DONNA LOU
A little?
You know I can't afford one of
those fancy new manufactured
homes. I barely make enough at the
plant now to keep me in beer and
Donna pauses her packing and stares at Cleatus.
                       DONNA LOU
Cleatus, when we got together, the
future looked so bright.
Cleatus, fighting to stay awake, focuses on Donna Lou.
                       DONNA LOU
You had a promising career in
sewage, you had this fancy new
house, you promised to put me
through school, hell, you promised
a lot of things, but since that
time, nothin's happened, Cleatus.
Nothing except you drinking beer
and bowling. Well, I need more,
Cleatus. I need someone to grow
with. Someone to built a future
with. You, Cleatus, are not that
Donna continues her packing.
Donna, wait! I have to talk to you
about something, please!


Donna stuffs a couple more items into her bag and storms
out. On the way, she trips in the hole at the entry.
                       DONNA LOU
Ouch! Piece of shit.
Cleatus hustles to the doorway and watches Donna Lou scurry
across the yard, jump in a rusting Chevy Vega, and drive
away in a cloud of exhaust.

He sighs, scratches his ass, smells his hand and turns back
into the trailer.

Standing in the living room, he looks around, spots an
opening on the COUCH where Donna Lou removed her cloths and
sits down.

He grabs the remote control out from under the cushions,
hits the power button and starts watching cartoons. Leaning
back, he pulls a beer out of the inside of his robe and pops
the top.
Cleatus pulls the El Camino into a parking spot sporting his
name in paint. He crawls out and slinks into the building.
Cleatus and Mac stand in a large white room at a railing
that surrounds a large pit. In the pit, SEWAGE flows from
two large pipes on either side of the pit walls. Both men
lean over the railing staring at the crap. Both wear pensive
She really said that?
Yeah. Go figure. Like her shit
doesn't stink. Take it from me,
I'm the professional here, her
shit stinks.
I think that's hers down there
      (nods towards the
So whats your plan?


Damn if I know. I'll tell you what
though, I don't know how I am
suppose to work any harder than I
am now, know what I mean?
Oh yeah.
Both men continue to lean against the railing staring at the
Mac and Cleatus walk into a locker room and start changing
out of their coveralls.
Tough shift.
It was the shit.
You going to the 'Vern' tonight?
You're going out after what
happened this morning? What about
Donna Lou?
I figure after an entire day
without talking to moi, she'll see
that I'm the best thing she ever
While Cleatus makes this statement, he stands in front of
his locker in grungy pale underwear, black socks and a
stained too tight wife beater tee-shirt.
I can see that.
Suddenly BELLS start ringing and yellow SIRENS in the
ceiling start flashing. The men share concerned looks and
run out of the locker room.
A large PANEL takes up one wall of the control room.
Opposite the control panel is a lighted grid MAP showing the
layout of the sewer system. A section of PIPE flashes red.


Grid 34, section 14, plot 6. Check
it out.
I don't need to check it out. I
know what the problem is.
The Stoners.
The Stoners?
The Stoners. Come on, lets gear
up. I'll fill you in on the way.
      (in disbelief)
How many kids?
Eight, plus the parents and the
How often do they clog up the
Ever since they got their new
house, seems like every month.
Damn place has three bathrooms.
Come on, three bathrooms, in one
You'll see.
The van turns off the road and drives down a dirt driveway.
The driveway opens up to a large well lit parking area with
several cars and truck in disrepair scattered around.

Beyond the parking area is a bright white sparkling triple


wide TRAILER with a huge ANTENNA on the roof. A HUMMING AC
UNIT hangs from a window and a bubbling HOT TUB sit on the
deck that runs the length of the house. Cletus's MOUTH hangs
open in amazement.
      (grabbing Cleatus'
Come on, lets see what kind of
crap we're in here.
The men walk up towards the front door. Cleatus continues to
be in awe of the house. When they reach the front door, Mac
pushes the bell. Several CHIMES ring inside the house. RANCE
STONER answers to door.
'Bout time you boys shagged it out
here. We got ourselves a heaping
pile of trouble.
      (points to their
Leave those there, please.
The three men troop through the house with Cleatus bringing
up the rear. As Rance rambles on, Cleatus stares in
amazement at the amenities.


-Cupid wall paper boarder that runs around the entire living

-Matching orange velour couch and love seat.

-Extra tall shag carpet with patterns swirled in by a rake
that rests in a holder.

-A TV held by a pole in the corner of the room.
You would think spending over
thirty five thousand dollars on a
house would elevate you beyond
these type of problems.
      (whispering to
Thirty five thousand dollars.


Rance stops at the bathroom doorway. All the men stare in.
Rance and Mac have looks of concern on their faces. Cleatus
still has his mouth hanging open.
The bathroom consists of a green soaking TUB and a two pink
sink vanity with an OAK LIGHT BAR above the mirror. A
separate room for the brown toilet with a pocket door for
privacy completes the picture.
      (to Cleatus)
You gonna stand there drooling, or
you gonna check out my toilet.
Mac and Cleatus cross the bathroom and stop at the pocket
door to the toilet room. Both look down into the BOWL.
The twins were in here over an
hour. Being that they just
started, you know, menstruating, I
think between the two of them,
they may have gone overboard a bit
with the feminine hygiene
It looks clear here. The alarm was
from the city side. Come on, lets
check out the stub at the street.
      (into Cleatus'
Hey, you coming?
Uh, yeah, yeah, lets go.
Rance Stoner and Mac stand next to a large man hole. The man
hole cover sits next to the hole. Both men are drinking
beer. At their feet is a cooler and several empties.
You almost done down there.
Christ, it's been over an hour.


      (looks at his
Over an hour, is that right? Damn,
time flies when you're working
Fucking A.
Both men drain their beers, grab one each out of the cooler
and pop the tops. In unison, they take big pulls off the
cans. At the same time, Cleatus' head pops out of the hole.
His face covered in grime, he sports a red hardhat.
Mac and Rance sit in lawn chairs complete with foot rests
and cup holders. Cleatus squats on the cooler. Dozens of
empty beer cans litter the ground.
Like I was telling Mac here while
you were in the hole, the place to
go is Big Earls Mobile Estates.
He's got a house for any budget.
Any budget?
Everything from your basic twin
slide all the way up to my
Montecello there.
I do like those premium amenities.
There's no way I can afford that
kind of quality on my sewer
Give him a call, you never know
what he may have on the lot.
      (hands Cleatus a
       card from his
Tell 'em Rance sent ya.


Cleatus' El Camino and Mac's dirty brown Ford Astrovan both
drive up and park in front of the tavern.

The T and A on the neon LIGHT on the roof of the building
have failed. The sign reads "vern."

Next to Cleatus' car is a late 1970's red Cadillac
convertible. The license PLATE reads BG EARL.

Cleatus and Mac jump out of their cars, spill a few empties
on the ground and swagger in.
A crowd fills the smokey bar. In the rear of the large main
room are two pool tables and a dart board. On the wall next
to the bar is a juke box blaring COUNTRY MUSIC. Surrounding
one of the pool tables is a group of four women in cheesy
tramp wear and EARL MASTERS, tall, muscular, late 50's, in a
white cowboy hat.
Mac and Cleatus walk in and scan the scene. Mac points to a
couple stools at the bar. They head over and take a seat.
You see her anywhere?
I can't spot her. What would she
have on?
How the hell should I know what
she's wearing!
The bartender, RONNY CULLER approaches the men. Culler,
short, fat and bald with sweat stains under his arms,
tosses a couple coasters on the bar.
Evening, gentlemen. What can I do
you for?
We put in some O.T. tonight. Lets
go top shelf. How about some Ten
Cleatus? Cleatus!


      (looking out over
       the bar)
Jesus, I haven't seen her. What
are you drinking?
Uh, just give me my usual.
Ronny grabs a BOTTLE of Ten High whiskey from the lower rail
in front of the mirror behind the bar. He pours a good 4
fingers into an ice filled GLASS and slides it to Mac. He
then opens a fridge under the bar and pops the top off a
BOTTLE of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Both men take long drinks and again scan the bar. They
settle on the group of women and the man in the cowboy hat.
      (to Ronny)
What the story over there?
You don't know that guy?
Yeah, I know him, that why I'm
asking you, idiot.
Easy buddy.
Sorry Ronny, just a little
stressed about Donna Lou.
No problemo. That there is Big
Earl Masters, the mobile home
That's Big Earl?


The one and only. He started
coming in here a couple weeks ago
after the Olive Garden burned
      (to Ronny)
No kidding? You guys are really
reaching the big time to bring in
that high class Olive Garden
You know it, buddy. Last night he
left a twelve dollar tip.
Twelve dollars, Jesus, you can get
an entire dinner for four at the
Kenny Rogers for that.
      (finishes his
I gotta take the horse for a walk.
Hit me again, will ya, Ronny.
Cleatus gets up and strolls over to the men's room and goes
Cleatus walks up and starts to relieve himself in the trough
urinal. While he stands there, whistling, he reads the PAPER
posted on the wall. He focuses on an AD for "Big Earls
Summer Spectacular."

The picture has a full head shot of Big Earl wearing his
cowboy hat. Under his head shot are small pictures of
several different mobile homes. In bold LETTERS, the ad
proclaims, "No One Turned Down. We Can Finance Everyone."

As he continues to pee, the door opens and Big Earl unzips
right next to him and lets go with a loud SPLASHING stream.

CLEATUS moves over a step to avoid the spray. Both men stare
at the advertisement.
So, do you think I'm too big?
Cleatus does a quick look down at Earl's penis.


Excuse me?
My head shot in the ad. Do you
think it's too big? My ad people
think by making me a quote...
Earl holds up both hands while peeing and makes quote signs
with his fingers.
...personality, it will help sell
more homes.
      (inching away)
Oh, uh, I don't know, no, I don't
think so.
Cleatus zips up and goes over to the sink and starts washing
his hands. A few seconds later, Earl joins him at the next
sink. Both men look in the mirror at each other. Earl
removes his hat and messes with his hair.
That's a pretty impressive gaggle
of hens you've got out there.
Those tramps, I wouldn't let them
buff my bumpers. There is a little
sweetheart in the back room I've
been sending drinks to for a
while. A couple more and she may
get the honor of the Big Earl
stretch loan, if you know what I
      (Puts his hat back
       on, never washed
       his hands.)
Well, nice talking to ya, little
chubby. Good luck.
Big Earl pats Cleatus on the back and leaves the restroom.
Cleatus stares at him as he goes. He finishes drying his
hands and gets back out to the bar.
Mac now has three empty TUMBLERS in front of him and is half
way through his fourth. Cleatus takes his seat next to Mac.


      (pointing at the
What the hell?
Hey, buddy, we put in an extra
four hours tonight. I'm fat as a
milk fed sow.
Great, come on, I'll drive you
home. Obviously Donna Lou isn't
going to show up tonight. What's
the damage, Ronny?
Fifteen dollars.
Great. Here you go.
Cleatus peels off a twenty from his gold money clip.
Thanks my ass. Where my change?
Ronny frowns and turns to the register to get the change.
Mac is passed out with his head on the bar. Ronny returns
and puts a five on the bar. Cleatus shoves it in his pocket.
      (to Ronny)
Little help here?
As Ronny and Cleatus help a floundering Mac out the front
door, the view into the back room past the pool tables shows
BIG EARL and DONNA LOU clinking glasses. Big Earl puts his
arm around Donna and gives her a little pat on the ASS.
Cleatus sits on the couch looking out over the disaster that
is his home. He settles on an 8" x 10" PICTURE of Donna Lou
on top of the TV. He then looks down at the newspaper laying
open next to him on the couch. The page shows a large all
color AD for "Big Earls 24 Hour Clearance Bonanza.


Everything Must Go!" Cleatus sighs, gets up and leaves the
Big Earls Mobile Estates lot encompasses a huge stretch of
busy highway.

The space is covered with large double and triple wide
mobile homes of various shapes and colors. Artificial turf
spreads out before all the homes, with pink flamingos and
peeing cherubs completing the entirely cheesy layout.

Colorful plastic flags flutter everywhere in the morning
Cleatus wheels the El Camino into a parking stall right next
to a salmon colored triple-wide. The SIGN on the mobile
reads, "Imperial Squire Limited."

Cleatus looks around wide eyed and slowly get out of the
car. He is immediately approached by WHITEY BARNES. Barnes
is in his late 60's with a loud plaid sport coat that fails
to cover his enormous gut.
      (big grin)
Welcome, welcome, welcome. First
time to Big Earls?
      (shaking Cleatus'
Fantastic, you certainly must have
studied us. Obviously by the looks
of you, you do your homework!
Cleatus sports cut off denim shorts, sandals with black
socks and a flannel shirt that is too tight on his gut. His
mullet flares up in the back.
      (patting the
You've got a good eye. She's a
beauty. What do you say we take a


                       WHITEY (cont'd)
Whitey immediately leads Cleatus by the arm across the
AstroTurf, up the steps to the deck and past a hot tub to
the french doors of the mobile.
We just got these in, only ones
south of the Carolinas. Before
going in, just take a look at this
outdoor living environment. You're
standing on a poly fiber resin
injected composite. Not that faux
cedar that the other dealers are
pushing this season.
And right now, we are throwing in
the 26 jet Master Blow 3000,
manufactured by Big Earl's own in
house tub design firm. It's head
and shoulders above the Yard Soak
Plus down the street.
Whitey points across the street to another mobile home
dealer, "Westside Leisure Living."
So, if you will just slip these
booties over your shoes, we can
start the grand tour.
Cleatus and Whitey walk back out onto the deck of the
Imperial, having finished their tour. Both have on blue
paper booties and matching hair nets.
Well now, are we ready to go
inside and start the paperwork?
This is the beginning of your
future in luxury living.
Well, sir, this may be a little
more than what, uh, my current
needs are.


Son, you need to look to the
future. A handsome young man like
yourself will need a nice place to
bring young ladies home too. And
don't forget, down the road,
there may be little ruggers under
Uh, well, I think for now, I need
to look at my immediate needs. Do
you have something, that is like,
less, than this. You know,
something that doesn't have a
sauna or heated towel racks.
I see.
Whitey looks Cleatus over and walks down the steps to a golf
cart. Cleatus follows. Both men get into the cart.
I think I have exactly what you
Whitey pulls away and drives across the lot. He crosses
under an archway that reads, "Big Earls Reincarnated
Whitey and Cleatus walk into a large open office area. Each
desk is covered by one of the girls who were with Big Earl
at the bar the night before. When the men walk in, all the
girls look up and start primping and flirting.
Well, here we are. Janie, whose up
for Mr. Boner?
What's that?
You said Boner, I'm not a Boner,
I'm a Bonner.


Of course. Janie, whose up for Mr.
JANIE DICKERSON looks down at a sheet of paper on her desk.
Sara's up next, Whitey.
Problem there, Whitey?
      (smiling again)
No, oh no, Sara is great. Here,
follow me.
Whitey leads Cleatus across the office to an open door in
the back of the room. As they cross the room, all the girls
smile at Cleatus.

He smiles back while smoothing down his pompadour mullet.
Whitey stops at the office door and looks in. SARA BIRCH
sits behind mountains of paperwork on an undersized desk.

Sara is mid 20's with light blond hair and a beautiful face
hidden behind large framed glasses.
Here we go. Sara, this is Mr.
Boner. He is making a positive
step towards his future, aren't we
Mr. Boner.
      (slaps Cleatus on
       the back)
Unit 1405, 10 big ones, Sara. Well
you have a grand day, sir. Trust
me, you are walking out of here a
better man!
Whitey leaves as Sara motions Cleatus to take a seat in
front of her desk. The name PLATE on the front edge of the
desk reads "Sara Bitch."

Someone has put piece of tape with a "t" over the "r" in her
last name. Cleatus looks down and reads the name plate.


Good morning, uh, Ms. Bitch.
What did you call me?
       pointing at the
       name plate)
Uh, Ms. Bitch?
Sara stands up part way and grabs the name plate. She rips
the tape off and sets it back down with a BANG.
Oh, sorry, Ms. Birch.
It's not your fault. So, what are
we doing to you today?
Doing to me?
Sorry, doing for you. You are
making a deal on 1405?
Sara punches some numbers into her computer.
The 1958 Sargent Eagle. A true
      (strained smile)
And only ten thousand. That's
quite a deal.
I certainly think so. Whitey
explained how the classics hold up
so much better over time than the
newer models.
Did he now?


Oh yes, true wood framing,
vermiculite insulation that
resists insects, lead lined ovens
that retain heat better. Even the
first available microwaves that
used atomic particles for an all
over better cooking experience.
      (typing on the
Sounds like a real thing. Well,
here we go.
      (grabs paperwork
       from the printer)
Sign here. 30 days free financing.
Quite the bargains here at Big
Cleatus makes a big deal of signing the paperwork and
finishes with a flurry.
I'm on my way!
Yes, you are. Keep the pen. You
should have delivery in a couple
      (stands and shakes
       Cleatus' hand)
Have a Big Earl Day!
Cleatus struts out through the showroom. All the ladies tell
him to have a great day. He smiles as he strolls out to his
El Camino and jumps in. On his dash is a picture of Donna
Lou. He touches her face.
Yes indeed. Donna Lou, I am on my
The "new" trailer is bright red with wood paneling on the
lower half of the exterior walls. The same rickety PORCH is
attached to the trailer. The porch has new 2x4's scabbed
onto the old frame members. The front door has a small round


window with an awning. A large carpet of bright green
artificial turf runs along the length of the trailer.

Cleatus' El Camino is parked along side a U.S. Postal Jeep
Cleatus and Jimmy John recline on a green Naugahyde couch
built into the end of the trailer. Each have a hand tucked
into the waistband of their jeans.

In front of the couch is a coffee table that matches the
paneling on the interior walls. The TV is turned on to
"Dancing with the Stars."
That Ed Asner can really move.
I've always had a thing for Tina
So, uh, rent? You gonna come up
with that one twenty five for this
Jesus, Cleatus, you are the
dumbest cow in the herd.
Oh, here we go again!
What kind of idiot buys a 50 year
old trailer for 10 grand and
doesn't even read the paperwork
before signing on the dotted line?
This place is a classic, just look
I am, and there ain't nothing
worth nothing in here, including
the putz next to me!
      (stands up)
I need a beer.


Jimmy gets up and walks into the kitchen. He grabs a beer
out of the 1950's era gold refrigerator that has the cooling
elements on the top. The kitchen also has a wall mounted
green double oven and star embossed Formica counter tops. He
opens his beer and takes a long pull.
Ah, that's what the doctor
ordered. Look, Cleatus, I'm happy
to live here and be your room
mate. Things have gone pretty
well. We get along good and all,
but I can't stay here forever.
I've been talking to my cousin,
you know, the one down at the
rendering plant, and they may have
something full time in a couple
Jesus, Jimmy John, you know I
can't swing these payments without
your help. What the hell am I
suppose to do?
Look, that's not my problem.
You're the genius that thought
buying this castle would get Donna
Lou back. You really think with
your pecker don't you?
She'll call me back. I'm sure
she's just been busy.
Gettin' busy is more like it. Word
down at the P.O. is that she has
taken up with your chattel holder,
old Big Earl himself.
      (spits the beer
       out he was
Sorry, pal, I didn't want to burst
your bubble or nothin', but we've
been delivering Victoria Secret to
her at Big Earls spread for a


                       JIMMY (cont'd)
couple weeks.
Cleatus stands up and starts pacing in his tiny living room.
It just keeps getting worse and
worse. What the hell can possibly
happen next?
With the words barely out of his mouth, there's a loud CREAK
from the floor. Cleatus looks around the room, then down at
his feet as the floor suddenly collapses under him and he
drops in a cloud of dust all the way through the floor.
Jimmy walks over, hand protecting his beer, and looks down
through the hole.
Holy shit, you OK down there,
Cleatus? Cleatus?!
Cleatus stands next to the trailer. A piece of the skirting
has been removed and two feet stick out from under the
                       JIMMY (os)
You've got some trouble under
No shit, Vila, what's the problem?
                       JIMMY (os)
Right off, there's a big ass hole
in your floor. You've got serious
dry rot. The entire floor system
is shot. I've never seen a wiring
schematic like this. Looks altered
to me. There's mold growing on
your rim joist, I see some sewage
leaks around the bathroom and your
insulation is nonexistent.
      (Jimmy comes out
       from under the
Now I'm only a certified house
inspector from the mail in course
I took, but I think this place may


                       JIMMY (cont'd)
need to be condemned.
Fan fricking-tastic.
      (looks at his
Well, I gotta get going. Have to
at least try to look like I work
part time delivering to my 25
customers. Damn U.P.S.
      (starts walking to
       the mail truck)
I'll see you later, buddy.
Yeah, see ya, Jimmy.
Cleatus and Mac sit at the bar. Cleatus has several Pabst
Blue Ribbon cans in front of him. Mac nurses a Diet Coke.
I don't know what I'm going to do?
My house is shot, my girlfriend is
shacked up with the guy I bought
it from and I'm losing my cash
paying tenant!
Oh, forgot to tell ya, no work
tomorrow. Some consultants are
coming by the plant to review some
Yeah, something to do with the
ponds out back. An EPA matter. The
bitch of it is, we lose a days


                       RONNY (os)
Cleatus, phone.
Cleatus slips off his stool, stumbles to the end of the bar
and picks up the receiver.
                       CLEATUS (into the phone)
Hello ...uh huh ...uh huh ...WHAT!
OK, I'll be right there. Yeah,
Cleatus slowly walks back to his stool, shaking his head.
What's the trouble there, buddy?
That was my neighbor. My trailer
just burned down. The fire
departments there now. Something
to do with the wiring. I gotta go.
Jesus, I'm sorry, do you need a
ride, you've been hitting it
pretty hard.
I'm fine, see you later.
Cleatus pulls his El Camino up in front of his now
smoldering trailer. Firetrucks and firemen are everywhere.
The response is overkill for the small size of the house.

In shock, Cleatus gets out and walks towards the house. He
is approached by the fire chief, LEE MAJORS.
                       CHIEF MAJORS
You the homeowner, son?
      (still staring)
Uh huh.
                       CHIEF MAJORS
Looks like you had some type of
electrical problem in the floor
under the living room.


Cleatus is still in shock and non responsive.
                       CHIEF MAJORS
You had anyone working under there
      (shakes Cleatus's
Son, you alright? Son?!
Cleatus is being treated by two mullet sporting paramedics
next to an aid truck.
                       PARAMEDIC 1
Sir, I think you will be alright.
It appears the shock of the fire
coupled with your severe
intoxication created some type of
brain atrophy we usually only see
with mad cow disease.
                       PARAMEDIC 2
Sir, we are concerned that your
dogs may have perished in the
fire. Can you describe them for
                       PARAMEDIC 1
You've got two dog houses next to
your trailer over there. Did you
keep the animals in the house?
I don't have any dogs.
                       PARAMEDIC 2
But you have two dog houses right
Yes, that's right.
Both paramedics stare at Cleatus like he is a complete
idiot. He just stares right back at them. After a few
seconds of silence, battalion chief DICK RITCHER walks up.
Ritcher is at least 75 years old, with a rough leather worn
face and hawk like eyes.


                       CAPTAIN RITCHER
You the homeowner?
That's right.
                       CAPTAIN RITCHER
Had this place long have you. Get
it from your grandparents or
Uh, no sir, just bought it a
couple months ago.
                       CAPTAIN RITCHER
Boy, these Sargents haven't been
made in over 50 years.
                       CAPTAIN RITCHER
So? Son, I wouldn't house my worst
enemies in these things. There was
a total recall on the Eagles over
40 years ago. They had more
problems than my prostate.
                       CAPTAIN RITCHER
Cleatus snores sound asleep in the back of his El Camino.
Crows sit on him picking at his mullet. Suddenly, a van door
slides shut with a BANG.
                       JOHN (os)
Morning sir!
Cleatus stirs and looks up out the bed of his car. Standing
above him is JOHN CHARTER. Charter is mid 50's, skinny, with
a terrible comb over. He wears a loud plaid sport jacket and
thin bolo tie.


What the?
Name's John Charter, you can call
me Chart. Sorry it took me so long
to get out here. Busy you know,
busy, busy, busy.
Why are you here?
Oh, sorry, I'm with Manu-surance.
Charter points over his shoulder to a white VAN parked on
the street. The side panel reads, "Manu-surance Inc.
Providing Quality Insurance for America's Mobile Needs for
over 50 Years."
      (smiling, quick)
I've finished my assessment of the
damages. Although the mobile home
had no value what so ever, your
personal property loss totals 5000
      (rips a check from
       his clipboard)
Here you go, Mr. Boner. You have a
nice day now!
Charter marches off back to his van, jumps in and speeds
away in a cloud of dust. Cleatus sits up in the back of his
truck and looks at the check.
Mac's van is parked next to Cleatus' El Camino. Big Earl's
red Cadillac bombs into the spot next to the El Camino.

Earl throws his door open and hits the El Camino passenger
door. The mirror on Cleatus car shatters and his DOOR
suffers a huge dent.

Earl slams his door shut, goes around the car and opens his
passenger door for Donna Lou. They stroll into the bowling
alley arm in arm.


Cleatus, Mac, Jimmy John and Rainard are gathered around
lane 16. All the men wear matching bowling SHIRTS. Each has
their NAME on the front. Several pitchers of beer cover the
      (slightly drunk)
Are you kidding me?
I wish. No, it's true. We've been
shut down.
How can that happen? Where will
the sewage go?
Being tankered overseas and
dumped. Someone crunched the
numbers and dumping is cheaper
than treating.
      (sees Cleatus
       rubbing his head)
No worries buddy, get this,
because the sewage is being taken
into, quote, foreign waters, we
will be paid our regular salaries,
plus a special NAFTA surplus for
losing our jobs to a foreign
company. Hell, we'll be gettin'
paid for 6 months of doing
That sounds familiar.
Don't worry, fellows. Six months
is a long time. There's bound to
be something that opens up down at
the rendering plant by then.
I've always wanted to work down at
the rendering plant. That's damn
good money.


I hear you boys make upwards of
ten dollars an hour.
You can get there, if you put in
your time.
You know, Cleatus, that fire may
have been the best thing to ever
happend to you.
Lookie here, you got five thousand
bucks in your pocket, you're going
to get paid for six months to not
work, and, holy shit!
All the men look the same way that Jimmy is looking.
Strolling across the lobby is Big Earl with a dolled up
Donna Lou on his arm. Cleatus spots the couple and hustles
over to them.
Think we should stop him?
Nah, let him go, he needs to
settle this thing with her.
The remaining men all take big drinks of beer.
Hey, Rainard, is that the new Lane
Master Elite?
Jimmy points at a red bowling BALL on the settee.
Which one?
That red one there.
I've been eyeballing that one,


Oh, that little number, no, that's
the Ebonite Hurler, 16 pounds of
pin crushing fury. No better ball
in my book.
Guess that's what rendering money
gets ya, huh?
You know it, buddy, you know it.
Cleatus approaches Big Earl and Donna Lou as they talk with
several other bowlers in the lobby area. Cleatus paces next
to the group waiting for an opening. Finally, Big Earl
addresses him.
Can we help you with something,
Just need a moment with Donna Lou.
      (to Donna)
                       DONNA LOU
It's fine.
Donna peals off from the group and leads Cleatus to a quiet
                       DONNA LOU
What is it, Cleatus? You're
embarrasing me.
Embarrassing you? Jesus, Donna
Lou, I've been trying to reach you
for months! Why didn't you ever
call me back? Christ, I bought a
new trailer and everything. Isn't
that what you wanted?


                       DONNA LOU
Are you kidding me? You think a
new trailer is what I was looking
for. I need a man with confidence,
a man with drive and vision. Look
at yourself, Cleatus. You're not
exactly that guy.
I am that guy. You have to give me
a chance. This guy you are with
now, he's like a hundred years
old. He can't give you what ole
Cleatus can. Come on Donna Lou,
waddaya say?
                       DONNA LOU
      (looks over toward
I gotta get back, Cleatus.
Wait, Donna, please. I've got 5000
dollars in my pocket. Plus, I've
just been retained by the U.S.
government for the next six months
on a special NASCAR project. Let's
make the leap and run down to the
hitching post!
                       DONNA LOU
NASCAR, 5000 dollars? What the
hell are you talking about?
Cleatus pulls his insurance check out of his pocket and
shows it to Donna Lou.
Here, take a gander at all those
                       DONNA LOU
Who the hell is Manu-surance?
Oh, that, uh, that's part of the
government deal. I can't say
anything more about it. So, are
you ready to take a leap?
Donna Lou eyes the check, then Cleatus, for a second.


                       DONNA LOU
I do like NASCAR.
While Donna ponders Cleatus' offer, Big Earl walks up next
to her.
Honey, they're ready for us.
      (looks at Cleatus,
Upstairs, in the 300 Club.
Earl notices the check in Donna Lou's hand and grabs it.
What do we have here?
Looks like someone came into the
big bucks. Manu-surance, that's
the firm we hawk down at the lot.
      (eyes Cleatus)
Whats up, bub?
      (grabs the check)
Nothing you need to worry about.
                       DONNA LOU
      (jumping in)
Earl, this is Cleatus Bonner, an,
uh, old friend of mine.
Bonner? You wouldn't be the Bonner
that bought the Sargent from me a
few months back would you?
                       DONNA LOU
Yeah, you're him alright. Saw your
name on our accounts receivable
this morning. Seems you owe Big
Earl 10 big ones.


Couple months behind too. Better
get on it boy, or you'll be
getting a visit from some of my
      (puts his arm
       around Donna Lou)
Lets go, darling. Cleatus, you
have a nice night now, ya hear.
Cleatus sits alone at a corner table. The rest of the bar is
empty. Ronny wanders over and takes a seat.
I'll take a shot of Poncho Villa,
hold the training wheels.
You sure that's what you need?
Kinda early for top shelf stuff.
Ronny, I don't know what I'm going
to do. Big Earl has basically
destroyed my life, all because of
a stupid trailer. Sometimes I
think I'm the dumbest idiot
walking the earth.
You'll get no argument from me
there, Cleatus, but look, I think
I may have something for you.
      (Ronny looks
My second cousin on my stepfathers
side works for F.E.M.A. You know,
the government outfit that give
away money and trailers when
disasters hit.
      (head hanging)
So, I was talking to him the other
day about my customers and what
fuck ups they are and everything
and, uh, well, I got to telling


                       RONNY (cont'd)
him about you and your situation.
My situation?
You know, homeless, out of work,
debt up the ass, your situation.
Uh huh?
So, he starts telling me about all
these mobile homes the government
owns. They ordered 'em after
Hurricane Katrina. But, by the
time they were actually built, a
lot of people didn't need them
Again, so?
You really are stupid aren't you?
Cleatus, the government is trying
to get rid of all these mobile
homes. You can get 'em up for
cheap, some for free, if you just
pick em up. Buddy, you could go
into business against Big Earl!
You think? Me, in the mobile home
business, against Big Earl?
Piece of cake. Look, Big Earl only
loves two things, himself and
money. You start selling trailers
in this town, he'll get pretty
nervous. Hell, you might even be
good at it. You sure as hell can
relate to the average buyer.


No argument there.
Wait here just a sec.
Ronny gets up and goes behind the bar. Reaching underneath,
he grabs a book and returns to the table.
What's that?
It's a book.
I heard of 'em.
Cleatus turns the book over on the table. "The Idiot's Guide
to Selling to Idiots." He starts turning the pages.
My ex left that here after she
made it big in Alpaca farming.
Made her a fortune... bitch.
Tbanks! I'll check it out. So, uh,
about your cousin?
Let me get his number. I'll let
him know to expect your call. One
thing though, my cousin is kinda,
well, strange. Don't let him put
you off.
Ronny leaves the table to get the number. Cleatus grins and
nods his HEAD as he contemplates his new future.
A phone RINGS inside the F.E.M.A. district office. A SIGN on
the trailer reads "F.E.M.A District Main Office, Do Not
Several desks overflowing with paperwork cover both sides of
the trailer. These are separated by a narrow walkway. The
only employee, CAL WICKERS, SNORES with his head down at his


desk. Wickers is late 50's with a shiny bald head, too tight
short sleeve dress shirt and a short skinny tie. The phone
RINGS at his desk.
After 10 rings, Wickers stirs and raises his head. He has
red blotches on his face and a paper clip stuck to his
forehead. He answers the phone.
                       CAL (into the phone)
      (listens a few
Who gave you my number ...Ronny?
...Oh ...yeah ...yeah ...Well, I'm
real busy today ... Tomorrow?
...You'll buy ...Where? ...(big
sigh) ...Fine ...Ok.
Wickers slams the phone down, SIGHS, and lays his head back
on the desk.
Cleatus parks the El Camino next to a large F.E.M.A truck
outside the restaurant. He jumps out and strolls inside.
Cleatus walks in and scans the room. All the patrons appear
to be fishermen. Alone in the back is CAL WICKERS. Cleatus
spots him and crosses the room towards the table.
Mr Wickers?
      (smiles, offers
       his hand)
I'm Cleatus Bonner, we spoke on
the phone. How do you do?
      (motions to the
       empty seat)
Mind if I sit?


I really appreciate this
opportunity. Ronny speaks very
highly of you.
Uh huh.
Cleatus notices how unresponsive Cal is.
Is, uh, everything all right?
      (looking around)
You said something about buying?
Oh, sure, of course, anything you
Officially we are not allowed to
take gratuities from potential
buyers of government property, we
clear on that, boy?
No problem.
At that moment, a very pretty young waitress comes up to the
table. She has a loud dyed red head of hair, chest almost
bursting out of her shirt and short denim shorts.
I'll have the surf and turf, heavy
on the surf, two biscuit baskets,
a trough of grits, hold the sugar
and a pitcher of Arnold Palmer.
      (finishes writing
       the order)
How 'bout you hon'?
      (mouth open,
       staring at Cal)
Uh, I'll have the chicken fried
steak and gravy fries, extra


Got it, thanks, fellas.
The table is covered with half eaten plates of food. Cal has
a stained napkin hanging down the front of his shirt.
Cleatus is pushed back from the table with his hand down the
front of his unbuttoned pants.
So you're telling me NOW you can't
help me?
      (grease around his
No, I'm not saying that. What I'm
saying is I can get you access to
the trailers. But, they don't come
free and the good ole' U.S
government ain't gonna move 'em
for you.
So, tell me exactly what I need to
First, you need to fill out the
requisition forms. You got email?
You even got a computer, boy?
Fine. Then come down to my office
and I will give them to you.
      (take a mouth full


                       CAL (cont'd)
       of grits)
After that, you need to go on down
to the lot in Jacksonville, pick
out the ones you want, pay, and
haul them out. 'Course, you need a
place to bring them back to. Can't
help you there.
How much do they cost?
The new doubles are going for
about 5000 each, the singles
around 2500 and the gently used
around 500.
You guys finance?
      (laughs, spits
Sure, the eagle shits in my
account every two weeks. Are you
kidding me? Cash on delivery pal,
no exceptions. Better hurry
though, the word's gettin' out
about these. You probably got
about a month before the
consolidators from the wrinkle
farms in Florida and Arizona start
sniffing around.
Cleatus and Mac sip torpedo's of beer as they speed down the
Damn, this is high living. Gettin'
paid for doing nothing. Who
woulda' figured?
Easy for you to say, you got some
time into the plant. There's no
way I can make the rent on another
place and pay back Big Earl. I'm
not sure I'm even going to have
enough for bowling next week.


That's messed up.
I've got to see if I can work
something out with Earl. He's
either gonna have to deal with me
or he'll end up with nothing.
What about that F.E.M.A. scheme
you were telling me about?
That is a solid plan, but until I
get my financial picture cleared
up, it's nothin' but a pigs
      (looks at traffic)
What the hell, lets go see Big
Earl now. No time like the
Cleatus pulls a U turn on the highway and speeds off in the
other direction.
Cleatus and Mac walk into the main office. Most of the desks
sit empty. Sara works at a desk near the back. Behind her
Big Earl peeks out through the office window blinds. Cleatus
approaches Sara while Cal hangs back admiring a POSTER for
the new "Presidential" mobile home.
Mornin' ma'am.
Oh, good morning, Mr?
Bonner, Cleatus Bonner.
Of course, Mr. Bonner. How's that
Sargent working out for you?
Not so well.


      (getting heated)
Seems the entire floor was rotted
out. Seems when I fell through the
floor, it disturbed some of the
faulty wiring.
Good heavens.
Yeah, seems that wiring caused the
entire structure to burn to the
My god!
Yeah. So, I need to talk to
someone about the payments on that
piece of shit you sold me!
Suddenly the door behind Sara opens and Big Earl with two
large bruiser types hustles over to Sara's desk.
Good morning, Mr. Boner, what can
we do for you today?
      (gets in Earls
I came here to tell you I can't
make those outrageous payments and
I need to renegotiate my terms!
      (tight smile)
We don't negotiate our terms.
Now Cleatus and Earl are nose to nose.
Well, then, we are going to have a
little problem, cause I ain't got
the money to pay off that loan!


That sounds like your problem, not
mine. Now, let me have my
re-negotiation team show you the
      (Earl gestures
       toward the two
Boys, please show this customer
the parking lot. You have yourself
a good day now. I'll be sure to
say hi to Donna Lou for you.
The two thugs man handle Cleatus across the office with Mac
trailing behind. They take him out the front door and toss
him into the back of the El Camino. The men dust off their
hands and return to the office. As Cleatus tries to get
himself together, Sara runs out of the office towards the
Mr Bonner, are you alright?
What's it to you? Jesus, I think
they broke my coccux.
      (concerned, crying)
I'm so sorry about all of this.
Please, can I help?
Yeah, you can tell your boss to
kiss my ass.
      (starts to giggle)
Uh, OK.
      (gets good look at
       Sara, grins)
Sorry, just having a bad day.
While Mac helps Cleatus out of the car, Cleatus rubs his ass
as Sara dusts him off. Cleatus stares at her.
Well, mines not much better. I
just quit.


What? Why?
I can't take it anymore. His lying
and cheating people. His hands on
policy with his employees. I've
just had it!
I'm really sorry.
I'll be OK. Thanks for caring.
While Cleatus and Sara talk, the two goons look out the
front window. Cleatus notices them.
We better get going. Do you need a
      (smiling, pretty)
I've got a car. Thanks, though.
Well, hope to see you around.
As she walks away, the goons come out the front door of the
office. Cleatus continues to stare at Sara.
Come on, Romeo, we gotta get outta
Yeah, yeah, OK, lets go.
The men jump in the El Camino as the two goons try to run it
down on foot. As the car pulls out onto the highway, they
passes the mobile home lot across the street.

The lot is festooned with banners announcing, "Going Out of
Business, Everything Must Go!"

Cleatus reaches down on the seat, flips open a marked page
in the 'Idiots Guide" to chapter 3, "Make a Failure Your
Success" and slightly nods his head.


Loud SNORES sound from a small pup tent Cleatus has erected
in the back of his El Camino.

Crickets CHIRP as a light breeze ruffles Cleatus' shirt
hanging on the remains of the deck railing. Off screen a car
door SLAMS and a SHOE kicks a pile of beer CANS.

Earls two GOONS, one tall and bald, one short and bald, with
matching white suits, creep forward.
                       GOON 1 (os)
                       GOON 2 (os)
      (also whispering)
Suddenly the snoring in the tent stops and the flap cracks
an inch. Cleatus peeks out.
                       CLEATUS (os)
Uh oh.
The two goons grab the tent from either side and lift it
completely out of the car. The men dump Cleatus out of the
tent on his head and start kicking and punching him.
                       GOON 1
Time to collect a little interest!
                       GOON 2
      (also kicking)
Your collateral looks a little
The goons continue beating on Cleatus. Finally they finish,
straighten up their jackets and ties, and leave in Big
Earl's Cadillac. Cleatus lays in a heap, MOANING.
A green A.M.C. Gremlin, a blue A.M.C. Pacer and a rusting
yellow Yugo sit parked outside WEEGIE BONNERS single wide
mobile home. Her house sits next to the front entrance SIGN
for "Leisure Gardens, Senior Living."


WALLOW sit around Weegie's chrome trimmed dinette table
playing Scrabble. Each woman is working their way through a
40 ounce BOTTLE of Schlitz Malt liquor.

All the women are late 60's with high set hair-do's, bad dye
jobs and multi-colored polyester pants suits. Weegie plays
"INSHIT" onto "KEEP" on the board.
Keepinshit is not a real word,
Like hell it isn't. I was
keepinshit in my trailer until
Christmas. See, it works!
Where's the dictionary?
I'm good with that word.
There, it's settled, majority
That ain't no majority, that's two
against two!
I get an extra half point in all
votes, home court rules.
All the ladies crack up, fire up their Pall Malls, take
pulls off their 40's and continue playing.
The ladies have moved into the tiny mobile home living room.
Weegie and Belva are squeezed together on the couch with
Shanetta and Earleen taking the armchairs. All sip on large
martini's. All appear slightly drunk.
My boy just got hired by the
government to work for N.A.S.A!


Belva and Shanetta both COO at this news. Earleen looks
No offense, Weeg, but your boy is
not exactly known for his, well,
his strong mind.
Oh, I don't know about that?
What about that time he was
arrested for stealing his own T.V?
Don't forget about when he got
engaged to a donkey.
And when he was run over by the
Pulaski Chamber of Commerce float
in the Groundhog Day Parade.
You'd be surprised by him now. He
recently bought a fabulous new
home. He's got a beautiful
girlfriend. He's become quite the
man about town!
Cleatus pull his El Camino up next to the Yugo and hops out,
GUIDE in hand. His HAIR stands in all directions, his shirt
is ripped and stained and he struggles to keep his torn
pants up. He limps up the stairs and enters the trailer.
Cleatus stumbles in while the ladies take big drinks from
their martini's. All stare up at Cleatus mid sip.
Momma, I'm in big trouble, I need
your help.


The ladies are gone. Cleatus and Weegie sit at the dinette
sharing a heaping plate of corn dogs with gravy.
How the hell did this happen? What
about the N.A.S.A thing?
Never mind.
Momma, I've got a great plan. I
know I can get my life back in
order. I just need a little
scratch, know what I mean?
And you think Donna Lou will come
back to you if you become this so
called independent man?
Mobile homes are the future of
this country. The ability to move
your life from one place to
another is ingrained in our
natural gemone.
By becoming a successful purveyor
of the American dream, Donna Lou
is bound to see the inner me. The
man she wants and deserves!
Boy, you are the dumbest rock in
the pile aren't you?
      (after a beat)
Still, I do like your gusto. I
always say, live high and sleep in


                       WEEGIE (cont'd)
the streets! Not sure if the back
of an El Camino counts as the
streets, but it's damn close.
So, whattaya say, Ma?
I say it's time to sleep, I'm
beat. You can bunk out in your old
room. We can talk again tomorra'
Thanks, Ma.
Weegie sits on her bed next to a dusty unopened box. She
opens the top to reveal a photo album with the picture of
baby on the cover.

She leafs through the book smiling at herself much younger
with a tall mullet wearing man. As she continues turning the
pages, she comes to a shot where she is alone and frowning.

In the picture she is obviously pregnant. Weegie wipes away
a tear and closes the book. She then pulls a slip of paper
from the spine of the album and grabs the telephone from the
Cleatus comes down the hall from his bedroom wearing child
like cartoon pajamas that are way too small for him. He's
reading the GUIDE, chapter 9, "Network with People Like

Weegie has a grease storm going on the stove. On the dinette
sit two PLATES, one piled high with sausage and one piled
high with pancakes.

Cleatus takes a seat, grabs a large hand full of sausage, a
large pile of pancakes, slaps them on his plate and covers
the whole thing with syrup and brown gravy.
Damn, Ma, you have not lost your
touch in the kitchen.


Thank you, honey. Glad to see the
PJ's still fit.
Like a glove.
Weegie comes over and takes a seat at the dinette. She pours
a large cup of coffee and lights a long cigarette.
Honey, I think I know someone who
may be able to help you?
      (sausage hanging
       from his mouth)
He's an old friend I haven't seen
in close to 30 years.
Who is he?
Names T-roi Haldean.
Haldean, yes. I, uh, knew someone
from his family back in the day.
We didn't end up together, but I
called him last night and
explained your situation to him.
He said he thought he could help.
That's fantastic,
The one thing he was clear on, you
better have a solid plan and you
better not waste his time. He's
sort of connected to everything in
the county and doesn't suffer


Don't worry, Ma, just give me a
couple days to organize myself,
then set the meet. Mr. Haldean
will be glad he met me.
I'm sure he will, honey, I'm sure
he will.
A high chain link FENCE surrounds the Haldean compound. The
chain link is married to large multi-colored tarps strung
along the inside of the fence blocking any views into the
property. "No Trespassing" signs cover the fence every few

Two tall MEN with matching FLATTOPS and huge GUTS patrol the
gate area. They each have a shot GUN and leashed rottweiler.

The entrance to the property is blocked by an aging Minnie
Winnie MOTOR HOME with plywood over the windows and side
door. Scattered around the dirt parking area are numerous
wrecked cars and trucks.
Cleatus pulls his El Camino up to the fence next to the RV
gate and steps out of the car, battered briefcase in hand.
He is immediately grabbed by one of the men as the other
holds back both snarling DOGS.

The man pushes Cleatus over his hood and roughly frisks him.
The man then nods to other man who speaks into a radio. The
Minnie Winnie starts up and backs up to allow access to the
property. Cleatus smooths down his HAIR and walks in.
As Cleatus enters, he is met by the beautiful and sexy 20
year old DOCIE HALDEAN. Docie wears brief cut off denim
shorts and a pink halter top. The top barely contains her
ample chest.
      (strong southern
Mornin' sugar. You have got be
Cleatus. I can see it.
See what?


Oh, nothing honey. I'm Docie
Haldean. It's fascinating to meet
Docie takes Cleatus' hand, shakes it, then continues to hold
it while slowly leading him across the compound.

Inside the gates the grounds are immaculate. Expansive lawns
cover most of the yard. There is a fountain, cement cupids
and swans. Off to the side, a cobblestone walk leads to a
stately two story mobile home, which is actually two
slightly different mobiles stacked on top of each other.

Kids run everywhere with mini mullets and overalls. Older
men mingle near the front of the house. Cleatus hesitates
when she starts leading him down the cobblestone path.
Docie continues to hold Cleatus' hand. When he slows on the
path, she takes both hands and snuggles up next to him.
Their bodies press together and their faces are an inch
Don't be nervous, sweetie. Docie
is right here.
I, uh, I guess I wasn't expecting
all this.
      (kisses Cleatus on
       the cheek)
What's that darlin'?
Docie suddenly grabs Cleatus by the head and starts kissing
him hard on the lips while grinding on his body. Cleatus
puts his arms around her and kisses back.
                       HOYT (os)
      (strong New York
Docie, get that boy in here, now,
young lady!
Docie slowly breaks away from Cleatus, but continues to
stare in his eyes.


I guess I'll have to see you
      (puts her hand on
       his belt)
We have unfinished business.
HOYT STEINBURG approaches the couple. Steinburg is late 60's
with small framed glasses and a short haircut. He wears a
blue three piece polyester suit. As he approaches, Docie
Mr Bonner, I'm Hoyt Steinburg, Mr.
Haldeans attorney. It's a pleasure
to meet you. Would you please
follow me up to the main house?
Cleatus follows Mr. Steinburg up to the mobile. Once they
enter, several armed MEN emerge from hiding around the
perimeter of the house.
Cleatus follow Steinburg through a well appointed living
room area. Women and children visit and play everywhere. In
the adjacent kitchen, several more women are cooking.

Steinburn leads Cleatus down a short hall and motions for
him to have a seat in a chair next to a set of french doors.
Let me tell Mr. Haldean you are
here. I'll be back in a moment.
Steinburg goes through the french doors and closes them.
While Cleatus sits there, he looks around the hall way. The
walls carry several framed photographs of T-ROI HALDEAN
wearing a tall mullet glad-handing celebrities and

-T-Roi shaking hands with Castro.

-T-Roi fishing with both George Bushes.

-T-Roi golfing with OJ Simpson.

-T-Roi eating dinner with John Gotti.

-T-Roi dancing with Hillary Clinton.


-T-Roi bar-b-queuing with Barack Obama.
      (back out of the
Mr. Haldean will see you now.
Steinburn leads Cleatus into a semi dark office. Next to the
door, two large men with matching mullets and overalls sit
on a couch. Another man looks out a window behind a desk.
The desk consists of a piece of plywood supported on either
side by three tires. Behind the desk sits T-Roi Haldean.

Haldean is early 60's with a graying slicked back mullet, a
small moustache and black overalls with a white collared
shirt. His enormous stomach dwarfs all the others. T-Roi is
enjoying a huge PLATE of sausage and gravy.
Mr. Haldean, Cleatus Bonner.
      (motions to a
       chair in front of
       the desk)
Please have a seat.
T-roi eyes Cleatus as he finishes a large sausage. He washes
this down with some type of amber liquid from a mason jar.
      (in a whisper)
Did you eat?
      (points to his
You're very thin, would you like a
sausage, maybe a pork loin?
Uh, no thank you sir. I'm good.
Your mother speaks highly of you.
Did you know that?
No sir.
Well, she does. She's extremely
proud of you.
Really, that surprises me.


Mothers always speak well of their
children. Women and children,
family, should always stick
together, support each other no
matter what. Don't you think?
Yes sir.
After Cleatus' answer, several children run into the office,
but are quickly ushered back out by one of the men on the
couch. Steinburg then whispers something to T-Roi.
      (to Hoyt)
Yes, yes, very well.
      (back to Cleatus)
So, lets talk about this little
business venture of yours. How can
T-Roi help you?
T-Roi and Cleatus both lean forward on their sides of the
tire desk. Both are focused. Three empty mason jars rest in
front of each man. Papers cover the desk.
So if I understand all of this,
what you need from me is
transport, finance and protection.
What assurances do I have you will
keep my investment secure?
As laid out in my business plan, I
have secured the rights to a lot
across the street from Big Earl's.
I've also retained the services of
Big Earl's former senior credit
and loan manager. She is ready to
Why me, why this generosity?
Several reasons, but mainly
because you can, because Ma says
you would want to and finally
because she says you have some


                       CLEATUS (cont'd)
type of grudge against Big Earl.
He stole the lease to that lot
from me. Blackmailed a council
woman. Some tawdry affair. I had
big plans to build a casino on
that space.
T-Roi stands up and offers his hand.
Son, I like your vision and your
chutzpah. I think we can do
business. We'll talk again soon.
      (gestures to the
Have a nice day.
Cleatus walks out the french doors into the hall. Docie
waits there to meet him and lead him down the hall and out
the door of the house. At the same time, Steinburg shuts the
door and walks over next to T-Roi.
Who do you want me to give this
one to?
Give the trucking piece to
Ciarelli out of Little Rock. Tell
'em to give Cleatus all the trucks
he needs.
What about the finance?
Cut loose a 150 thousand to start.
Have it for the boy when he gets
to the F.E.M.A. field office in
Jacksonville. Tell Alverez down
there I don't want any trouble
with the interstate transport
permits. As for protection, have a
couple guys tail him. Keep it
quiet. That's it, what's next?
A telephone RINGS inside the trailer.


                       CLEATUS (os)
Hello, yes, this is he ...what
...really ...my God ...thank you
...yessir ...yessir ...a
councilman ...uh ...sure ...no
problem ...I will not let you down
...Oh ...OK ...good bye.
The door opens on the trailer and Cleatus walks out onto the
deck. He holds a beer in both hands. He looks skyward.
Several tractor trailer rigs drive in line down a 4 lane
freeway passing a "Welcome to Florida" road sign.
With a big smile on his face, Cleatus doles out hundred
dollar bills to a F.E.M.A official.

-Trucks pull various mobile homes across the Arkansas state

-Trucks pull up in front of "Westside Leisure Living".

-Cleatus jumps out of the lead truck and shakes hands with
an elderly man standing in the sales lot.

-Earl looks out the window of his office at the trucks.
Plastic FLAGS festoon the sky over a banner for "Bonner
Mobile Dreams." Row after row of glistening mobile HOMES
cover the lot.

A large "We Offer Credit to Anyone" sign hangs over the
entrance to the office. No one is on the lot.


Cleatus, sitting in a large wood paneled office, hangs up
his phone. The GUIDE is open on the desk, "Chapter 12, Sex
Sells." The desk holds several beer cans spread over the
top. Cleatus polishes off another beer, burps, then throws
the empty into a pile of CANS in the corner.
From the outer office, Sara slowly gets up from her spotless
desk and walks into Cleatus' office.
What is it, Cleatus?
How's sales looking?
Same as what?
Same as yesterday, same as last
week, same as last month.
That bad, huh?
Cleatus, when we started here,
everything looked so positive. We
had a great selection of homes, a
high traffic location, even an
angel investor. Now, I don't know.
Things ain't looking so good.
Yeah, but hey, at least T-roi is
still letting us run things our
way. All we need is a little luck,
right, right!
Yeah, whatever, Cleatus.


Sara leaves and sits back at her desk. A second later, the
front door bell RINGS. Both Cleatus and Sara look up. BIG
EARL walks in and looks around.
What a nice place you have here.
And so quiet. Now I know where to
go when I need a nap.
What do you want, Earl?
Oh, I've been watching you since
you opened, if that's what you
call it. Haven't seen a lot of
product leave the lot, though.
What's up with that?
Cleatus strolls out of his office.
Help you, sir?
I don't know how you paid off your
loan to me, but I'm just here to
tell you, I'm going to bury you.
Hell, it won't be too hard. I give
you two months, tops.
By then, you will be begging me to
take these rejects off your hands.
Well, you have a nice day now.
Earl strolls out of the office leaving a seething Cleatus
and Sara. The telephone RINGS and Sara picks up.
Cleatus! Phone! Docie Haldean.
Says she likes the new marketing
plan you've come up with!
      (under his breath)
Cleatus walks into his office to get the call and closes the


Five windowless VANS pull into the lot. The doors all slide
open at the same time.

Docie exits the first vehicle and leads two dozen young
bikini clad GIRLS out to the lot.

Several of the girls string banners onto the mobile homes.
The banners read "Free Car Wash with Any Reasonable Offer."
The girls start washing the vans in suggestive poses. Within
moments, cars start braking and turning into the lot.
Cleatus smiles from the office window.
      (looking out the
What's going on?
Plan B, and it's only the

A "Bonner Bar B Que Daze! Free Ribs with Every Purchase"
banner flies from the mobile homes. Docie and Cleatus dress
up like hogs and wave at the traffic.

Hooters girls line up at the curb holding a "Hooters Love
BONnER" sign.

Sara and Docie frolic in a hot tub on a platform. The banner
reads, "You Won't Get Soaked with Bonner!"

Cleatus jumps out of an airplane with smoke trailing from
his chute. The plane drags a banner that reads, "I'll Fly to
the End of the Earth to Make a Deal!"

A T.V. commercial features Cleatus running from mobile to
mobile screaming that he will not be undersold. He wears a
superhero costume complete with mask. The chest carries the
large red letters BM.
Big Earl spies on the action across the street from his
office window. A newspaper hits the door in front of him.
The HEADLINE cries, "Mailman declares candidacy for city
council." Another article CAPTION reads, "Local Mobile Home
Dealer Honored as New Business of the Year."


Earl sits in his office with Donna Lou, his two goons and
several of his trampy assistants.
This idiot is putting a serious
dent in my business. How the hell
is he doing it?
                       GOON 1
Maybe he came into some coin. You
know, from his deal with the
                       DONNA LOU
Government? I thought he was
seeing money from NASCAR?
                       GOON 2
I love NASCAR.
                       OFFICE GAL 1
I love that Tony Stewart!
                       OFFICE GAL 2
That Ricky Bobby is hot!
                       OFFICE GAL 1
He's not a real person.
                       OFFICE GAL 2
He's not?
People, please! Cleatus Bonner?
What are we going to do?
                       OFFICE GAL 1
                       GOON 1
We could rough him up a bit, throw
a scare into him.
                       GOON 2
That works for me.
We already did that once.


                       DONNA LOU
You did?
      (ignores Donna Lou)
What we need is a subtle approach.
Try to get him to open up on what
he's doing, how's he financing his
operation, where's he gettin' his
marketing ideas. Things like that.
So, any ideas?
The group all sit there with blank expressions. Earl looks
at each PERSON. Finally, his gaze rests on Donna Lou. Earl
Donna Lou, honey.
                       DONNA LOU
You know Cleatus pretty well.
                       DONNA LOU
Yeah, so.
      (sees Earl smile)
No way Earl, you want to whore me
out to pump Cleatus for
information. I won't do it!
Earl moves over and puts his arm around Donna Lou.
Daddy would really appreciate it
if you would help me out. Come on
sugar, our very existence may
depend on it.
                       DONNA LOU
What do you mean?
I mean look around. There are no
customers here. If this continues,
Big Earl's will be out of
business. No Big Earls, no cars,
no cash ,no jewelry. Well?
Donna Lou looks around the room. All EYES are on her. She
lets out a big sigh and sags her shoulders in surrender.


                       DONNA LOU
Fine, I'll do it, but only to save
the business.
      (big smile)
Atta girl, now, here's what we'll
Several cars, including Cleatus' El Camino, sit parked along
the front of the restaurant. A big banner hanging on the
side of the building reads, "Grand Re-opening!"
Cleatus and Sara sit enjoying dinner. The table has numerous
plates of different pastas and sauces. Three baskets of
rolls complete the picture. Both of them have a half empty
pitcher of beer next to their plates. Cleatus holds Sara's
hand over the table.
Cleatus, I don't know what to say?
This is so sudden. Are you sure?
I've been thinking about it for a
while. With the business going so
well and everything, I think it's
time for this type of commitment.
I'm not getting any younger.
What about Donna Lou, what would
she think. Everything you've done
so far was to get her back.
I'm over her Sara, you have to
trust me. I'm doing this for us,
promise. So, are you ready?
Ready if you are.
      (stands up)
Let's go!


They both stand up and start to leave. Cleatus pulls a wad
of cash from his pocket and throws some bills on the table.
On the way out, he makes a big deal out of sliding a five
dollar bill to the hostess. Sara notices, smiles and hooks
onto Cleatus' arm.
Cleatus whips the El Camino into an open parking spot. He
and Sara jump out and go inside.
Cleatus sits in a raised barber chair. The walls are covered
with different PICTURES of hair styles.


-Photo of a woman with a mullet. "Herlet"

-Photo of a man with a long mullet cut. "The Kentucky

-Photo of a child mullet. "Kidlet."
A good old boy in overalls with a long badly dyed black
mullet stands over Cleatus with clippers buzzing. Sara
stands on the other side of Cleatus holding his hand.
Are you ready?
Ready as I'll ever be. Lets go!
Loud BUZZING comes from the shop.
                       SARA (os)
Oh my Lord in heaven!
Cleatus' El Camino slowly rolls past the entrance SIGN for
Manuliving at Crystal Springs. Next to the sign is a STREAM
filled with TRASH and TIRES.


The El Camino pulls up and stops in front of the house.
MUSIC sounds from the car until the engine is cut.
      (shy, flirty)
I'm really impressed with what you
have done. You are a very handsome
man, you know.
Cleatus has a severe new MULLET, complete with stripes on
the shaved sides of his head, highlights on the tips and a
severe part down the middle. He gently pats his head.
I guess it was time to grow up,
you know. The Idiot book says as a
business owner, you need to set
the tone with your customers that
you are someone to be taken
You've certainly accomplished
Both Cleatus and Sara sit in silence for a moment staring at
each other.
Well then, uh, good night. Thank
you for such a wonderful dinner.
The Olive Garden, on a Tuesday
Sara starts to open her door. Cleatus grabs her arm.
Cleatus pulls her back into the car. They kiss tentatively,
then go into a full embrace.
Cleatus smiles as he pulls out past the SIGN for ManuLiving
at Crystal Springs. His new hairdo is a mess and his cheeks
are covered with lipstick. He has a large HICKEY on his



As he drives down the darkened highway, he see in the
distance a parked car with the emergency lights flashing. He
slows to see Earls two goons roughing up Donna Lou.

As he pulls over behind the Cadillac, the two men throw
Donna Lou to the ground, jump in the car and drive off in a
cloud of dust. Cleatus runs over to check on Donna Lou.
Donna Lou! Donna Lou! Are you
alright? What happened?!
A battered and bruised Donna Lou looks up at Cleatus. At
first it seems she doesn't recognize him. After a beat, her
eyes open a little wider, then she starts crying.
                       DONNA LOU
It's been horrible Cleatus, just
What's been horrible honey, what?
Donna Lou struggles to catch her breath and compose herself.
                       DONNA LOU
Big Earl, he's gone crazy. He's
obsessed with you!
Me? What are you talking about?
Your success, your dealership,
your marketing prowess,
everything! He's jealous of you.
      (slight smile)
Donna notices Cleatus losing interest in her. She turns on
the charm and grabs Cleatus' face with both hands.
                       DONNA LOU
Cleatus, honey, Earl threw me out!
Had his goons rough me up and
leave me for dead!


Why? Why would he do that?
                       DONNA LOU
Because I told him I still cared
for you.
      (starts fake
I'm sorry to lay all this on you,
especially after how I treated
you, but, but, well, I can't help
how I feel.
Cleatus looks down at Donna Lou and takes her in his arms.
Donna smiles while looking past Cleatus' shoulder.
It will be OK, honey, Cleatus is
here, I'll take care of you.
Cleatus drives while Donna Lou primps in the visor mirror.
Donna Lou grabs a flask out of her purse and opens the top.
                       DONNA LOU
Cleatus, honey, would you like a
Say when!
Cleatus takes the flask and drains it as Donna Lou looks on.
Cleatus' El Camino sits parked outside an older trailer,
number 6, set in a long row of matching trailers. Cleatus,
wearing only his leopard skin briefs, walks out of the
trailer, talking on a cell phone.
                       CLEATUS (on the phone)
I'm telling you Jimmy John, Earls
gone crazy ...What happened with
Donna Lou? ...Well ...
      (looks back at the
lets just say, we have found some
common ground. Now remember, your
big fundraiser is set for tonight
at the lot ...Don't be so nervous
...you know whose backing us ...OK


                       CLEATUS (cont'd)
...see you tonight.
Cleatus smiles as he closes the phone. He lets off a little
gas and looks around. He spots a toilet planter, pulls the
flowers out and relieves himself in the toilet.
Donna Lou appears asleep. After Cleatus gets up and walks
out, she grabs the phone and places a call.
                       DONNA LOU (on the phone)
It's me ...no, Donna Lou, Christ!
I got it all ...how? He's an
idiot, that's how ... of course I
didn't, I drugged him. Just come
and get me..I'm at the shitty
Lodge Pine Trailer Camp ...OK,
Donna Lou jumps out of bed, gets dressed and leaves through
the bathroom window. As soon as she leaves, Cleatus comes in
with a huge greasy white bag and two extra large Slurpee's.
He looks around.
Sweetheart? Honey? I got some
breakfast. Donna Lou?
Search lights fill the sky over the lot. Pick up trucks and
1970's and 1980's cars line the street. People mingle
everywhere. A long barbecue throws smoke into the air.

A banner strung up between two homes declares, "Jimmy John
Meeks for City Council, He Will Deliver for You!" Hooters
girls pour Pabst from a line of KEGS.

Cleatus, Hoyt Steinburg, Mac, Jimmy John and Docie caucus
away from the crowd.
I didn't tell her anything,
Damn it, Cleatus, we've got too
much invested in you and your
little operation here to have it


                       HOYT (cont'd)
flushed away because you couldn't
keep it in your pants.
Got any left?
What are you talking about, Hoyt?
Shit, you're the one who talked me
into this. City council! What the
hell was I thinking?!
      (40 ounce beer in
Relax everybody, I don't see
what's the big deal, the brats are
hot and the beer is cold!
The group all stare at him in disbelief for a moment.
Did you or did you not mention
T-Roi to Donna Lou? Jesus,
Cleatus, think!
Absolutely not! No way, she's
totally in the dark. I plugged
that hole!
Earl sits at his desk. Donna Lou lounges on the couch.
T-Roi Haldean, that bastard is
                       DONNA LOU
That's what he said, T-Roi. I'd
remember a name like that.
      (notices Earls
Who the hell is T-Roi Haldean,


Few years ago, the lease came up
on this property. T-Roi wanted the
land to build a casino.
                       DONNA LOU
So? So he was pissed! Apparently
he had some gulf money all set to
invest here. When he lost the
lease option, he lost face with
these guys, and in his business
you don't get too many chances to
get your face back.
                       DONNA LOU
Yeah, but you own it now. What can
he do?
I don't own jack. This land
belongs to the city, part of some
damn revitalization shit they were
pushing way back. Like anything in
Arkansas needs revitalizing. OH
Earl jumps up and crosses the office to a file cabinet. He
frantically searches the drawers throwing files everywhere.
                       DONNA LOU
Honey, what are you looking for?
The lease, the lease!
Earl finds the file he was looking for. He quickly leafs
through the pages. Finally he stops, reads for a second,
then slumps to the floor.
                       DONNA LOU
My god, Earl, are you OK, what is
My lease, my god damn lease, it
runs out at the end of this month!
      (seething, under
       his breath)


A large group of supporter and friends fills a banquet room.
The BANNER on the wall read,"Congratulation Councilman

The long table in the center of the room is buried in
heaping PLATES of pasta. Cleatus, Sara, Mac, Docie, Jimmy
John, Rainard, Hoyt and Weegie huddle at a smaller table in
the corner.

The table has several different newspapers with bold

-Arkansas Times, "Meeks Wins Council Seat."

-Mena Star, "Local Carrier Delivers Council Slot."

-Hazen Herald, "Opposition Drops the Ball, P.O. Grabs
Council Spot."

-U.S.A Today, "Local Idiot Wins Arkansas Council Position."
You know what you need to do, the
vote is this week.
I really don't know much about
zoning, or land use or, well,
pretty much anything.
I like a man with confidence.
I am a quick learner, though.
I've talked to the union boys out
at the plant, they are on board.
I love to drink and gamble.
All you gotta do is put that lease
out to bid, there's no way Earl
can swing the cost the way we've
run down his business. With Earl
out of the way, T-Roi and his
partners have a clear path to


                       HOYT (cont'd)
build their casino. Do you
Don't worry about a thing.
      (winks at Hoyt)
I'll be right next to him the
whole time, it's in the bag!
A five person council sits on a platform behind a long desk.
JIMMY JOHN is on the far right. The other 4 people, three
women and one man, are dressed in conservative business
suits. Jimmy John wears a post office shirt and hat. He has
a sheepish grin on his face.

The gallery includes Hoyt, Cleatus, Mac, Sara, Big Earl and
his two goons. Cleatus is smiling while Hoyt looks nervous.
Earl also looks nervous.
                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
The next item up is the lease on
the interstate 30 revitalization
plot currently held by ...
      (she checks a
       sheet on the desk)
Big Earls Mobile Estates.
Cleatus' GRIN gets wider, HOYT squirms in his seat and Earl
looks like he is going to throw up.
                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
After considerable debate in
chambers, the council, with the
exception of a dissenting member
      (she glances at
       Jimmy John)
has determined that if this city
and Pulaski county are ever going
to make progress in creating an
established infrastrucuture ...
All parties in the gallery now have nervous looks on their


                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
...we have got to greatly reduce
the number of so called, mobile
housing units, available in this
area. Therefore, the council has
agreed to allow only one zoned
mobile home sales lot to continue
to exist. As we currently have two
such dealers within the city
limits, the license will be
awarded based on highest gross
sales over the last year up to the
end of this month. Meeting
Woo hoo!
      (looking surprised)
What the hell?
      (holding a 40
Hoyt, Cleatus, Mac and Sara sit around the main office. All
are seated except a pacing Hoyt.
Fucking Jimmy John, Christ, why do
I deal with these morons?
I don't see why this is such bad
news, we've been kicking ass the
last 6 months.
Six months yes, but the ruling is
for the entire year. Earl was
kicking OUR ass before.
Plus we still have the rest of
this month to deal with.


      (popping a beer)
No problem.
      (also pops a beer)
You go, buddy.
Yes problem. Next weekend is the
annual Mobile Living Jubilee
Spectacular at the Arkansas State
Fair complex.
Yeah, jubilee. Earl has made a
killing there the last five years.
Hell, he even won the coveted
Jubilee King crown last year.
I look good in crowns.
So what do we need to do?
We need to be at the Jubilee. It's
our last chance to beat Earl in
overall sales. My review of the
numbers from the council shows we
are pretty much in a dead heat
right now.
I'm all over it, Hoyt.
Uh huh. Sara, will you take charge
of this?
I'm on it.
Earl is again huddled with Donna Lou, his team of goons and
his office girls.


We're back in the game. T-Roi may
have made the first mistake of his
life, trying to stack the council
with that imbecile mailman.
What can we do, Earl?
Whatever Cleatus has done, we have
to do better. He brings in a
barbecue, we bring in a better
barbecue, he brings in Hooters
girls, we bring in strippers, he
skydives from a plane, we bring in
jets, whatever. The point is this
is war. Our survival depends on
      (looks around)
Where's Whitey, did someone call
Whitey enters the office. He is rosy cheeked, disheveled and
a little drunk.
Where the hell have you been?
Hooters, five dollar beer and
wings night.
Jesus, and your my top salesman.
Come on, we've got work to do.
PEOPLE, MOBILE HOMES and TRAILERS cover the fairgrounds as
far as the eye can see.

SMOKE rises in various locations from numerous barbecues.
Beer gardens hold dozens of overweight men and women
scarfing down heaping plates of ONION RINGS.

On Roosevelt Road, long lines of cars cue up to enter the
fair grounds. Harley Davidson motorcycles ROAR up and down
the lots next to the mobile home displays.


Cleatus stands decked out in his best three piece light blue
SUIT with matching tie. Sara looks beautiful in a short
summer DRESS.

Both stare out at the spectacle with concerned looks on
their faces. Behind them are several mobile homes sporting
floating balloons and red, white and blue buntings.
Where is everyone?
I don't know?
      (checks her watch)
It's already 9am. You told
everyone first thing Saturday
morning, right?
I think so?
      (hard look at
What do you mean, you think so?
You had one thing to do, Cleatus,
we can't sell these without
gimmicks and pompanstance!
Hey, I'm here! We can do it.
Are you kidding me. I do all the
work getting us into this damn
thing. I get all these mobiles
trucked in and set up. I get water
and power established, Hell, I was
up all last night texturing
marriage boards, and all I get
from you is that you're here?
Go get on the phone and start
making calls. NOW!
As Cleatus leaves to make his calls, Sara is blinded by
white FLASHES of light. She looks out across the parking lot
to a cloud of rolling SMOKE.


                       FAIR ANNOUNCER (os)
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls, welcome to the 58th annual
Mobile Living Jubilee! If it
moves, we've got it! Now, let me
introduce last years Jubilee king
and long time sponsor, Mr. Earl
With Sara still staring, the SMOKE clears to reveal a STAGE
with flashing LIGHTS, a live BAND and scantily clad DANCERS.
Fronting the stage is a lighted SIGN for Big Earls Mobile

The fair announcer hands his microphone to a smiling Earl.
People are crowding in front of the stage with more running
in. SCREAMS erupt when the band plays a short dramatic
Welcome, welcome my many friends!
Once again we gather to celebrate
the best and only way to live, the
mobile way!
The crowd cheers and dances in place as the band backs
Earl's speech.
Big Earls has again outdone
themselves this year in providing
you with the finest entertainment
plus a few surprises over the
weekend. And remember, with every
tour of a Big Earl home, you get a
free dinner for four at the Olive
The crowd screams with excitement.
Now for the fun, let me hand it
over to Tex and the Trailer Trash.
Take it away boys!
The band starts playing in earnest. Earl bounds down the
stairs and gestures for people to follow him into his
display of staged homes. Half the crowd follows him.


Sara's mouth hangs open as Cleatus returns from making his
call. He looks across the parking lot to Earls STAGE.
So I left a few messages. What's
going on over there?
Sara looks over at Cleatus with hate in her eyes. After a
moment, she SCREAMS and attacks Cleatus, kicking, hitting
and scratching him.

Cleatus tries to fend her off, but fails. She then starts
using karate on him. At that moment, Rainard runs up and
grabs Sara off Cleatus.
Hey, hey, hey! What the hell is
going on here?
This idiot did nothing, I mean
nothing to get ready for today! I
can't believe my job depends on
this moron!
I've been making calls, people are
on the way!
Yeah, great, people are on the
way. Have you seen what Earl is
doing over there?
They all look over to Big Earls display as he directs Tex
and the Trailer Trash.
Jesus, what will he think of next?
Sara, Cal, Jimmy John, Weegie and Hoyt sit around on the
deck of a display home watching the CROWDS tour Big Earls
display. All are grim faced.

A toilet flushes in the "Master Peak" trailer and Cleatus


strolls out reading the GUIDE, chapter 15,"Booze and Free
Cleatus, T-Roi is not going to be
happy with the way his
considerable investment in you is
turning out. Trust me when I tell
you, an unhappy T-Roi is someone
you want to avoid.
We've got to do something to drive
people to our display. Come on
everybody, think, what do these
people want that we can offer?
They all stare at each other, then Cleatus walks over and
whispers in Mac's ear. Mac perks up.
I've got an idea, it's probable
the biggest reason I come back
here every year. Let me see if I
can hook it up.
Mac gets up and walks over to his truck, gets in and drives
away. Everyone watches him go.
OK, now we've got something going!
What else can we do?
Well, I can put a call into the
post office training center. They
usually have some pretty young
things there. They actually
require new carriers to be
physically fit, amazing.
We've got a lot of left overs at
the rendering plant. We could set
up a barbecue and start giving
away food?
Until now Sara has sat with her head down. After Rainard's
suggest, she seems to perk up a bit at the different ideas.
I'll get the girls over here,
right quick. We can use the
kitchen in the Visionquest over


                       WEEGIE (cont'd)
there ...
      (nods towards a
...to whip up some good old
fashion southern cooking.
OK, I like where this is heading,
we're not out of this thing yet.
I'll go put on something a little
more friendly and go man trapping.
Come on everyone, lets get to it.
-Weegie hacks up a possum and throws it into a pan.

-Rainard shovels piles of cattle guts into the back of his

-Jimmy John loads beautiful young post office girls into the
back of a postal truck.

-Sara zips up the back of her short skirt and adjusts her
white tube top.

-Hoyt sets up a boot shining station.
      (nodding his head)
Things are definitely looking up.
Rainard, how we doing?
Rainard cooks piles of un-identifiable MEAT on a trailer-cue
as Hoyt works on a pair of BOOTS with more men in line. Next
to Rainard is his truck with a bed full of bloody GUTS.
Rainards raunchy mystery meat is
ready to go!
      (looking into the
I can see myself.


The postal trainees, complete with shorts and barely
buttoned up tops, hold hand written signs "Bonner Will
Deliver for You." Jimmy John has set up a picnic table with
a, "Ask Your Councilman Anything" sign.
Looking good ladies, Jimmy.
At that moment, the door of the Visionquest opens and, in
slow motion, Sara exits. She is stunning in her skirt and
tube top. Her hair is down and make up perfect.

Cleatus sees her and his mouth drops open. She motions him
over with a sultry look. Cleatus plods to the bottom of the
house steps and stares up at Sara.
Cleatus, honey, do you like what
you see?
      (mouth hanging
Uh huh.
Do you want some?
Uh huh.
       Cleatus, in his
Then get your ass out there and
start selling this shit.
Cleatus pulls back and stares at Sara. She struts away and
walks towards group of good old boys eating some Rainard

While Cleatus watches Sara, Mac pulls up in a flat bed truck
with a red police light flashing and siren HOWLING. On the
back is an enormous copper STILL. Roped next to the still
are BOXES of Ball's Mason Jars.

Several people next to Big Earls stage start running towards
the truck.
Hoyt, Rainard, Sara, Weegie, Cleatus and Jimmy John all wear
big GRINS on their faces.


      (to himself)
We're in business now.
Janie and two other office gals stand massaging three hairy
bare backed overweight men in massage chairs.

Earl enjoys a tropical drink at a tiki bar set up next to
the "Ambassador" mobile home.

Donna Lou walks out of the "Intimate Moments Concierges"
tent, her hair mussed and shirt stretched out.
Darling, we've got this thing in
the bag. Whitey has already signed
up 15 new homeowners. We can't
                       DONNA LOU
Earl, look at me?
You are a bit mussed, honey. You
best get yourself fixed up before
the clowns get here.
                       DONNA LOU
Are you kidding me? Those, quote,
customers, think buying a trailer
give them a ticket into my pants!
      (not interested)
Do they now?
                       DONNA LOU
Jesus Earl, your whoring me out
again, just like with Cleatus!
      (picking at his
Oh no, honey, of course not. Now,
why don't you take five, then you
can get back to work, go along
now, customers are waitin'.


Donna Lou stomps off behind the bar, grabs a large tub full
of fruit punch and dumps it over Earls head. The three
massaging office girls snicker.
Cleatus leads a large group of customers on the deck
attached to the "Regal Commander Sport."

Weegie entertains several older good old boys with her
animal shaped snack foods. The post office trainee's show
some young men the finer points of licking envelopes.

SARA and HOYT gather next to the guts PILE in Rainard's
I just heard at the vendors
finance office that Earl has sold
15 homes, including three triple
wides. We have got to step it up.
Docie left me a voicemail on my
cell while I was shining redneck
shit kickers. Said she got
Cleatus' message, understood, and
was bringing help.
Sara is puzzled by this news.
Cleatus has some plan with Docie?
Well, she better hurry. We only
have tomorrow to get this thing
done before the council meets on
Monday. I'm not sure how much more
of Earl's propaganda we can
As soon as the words are out of her mouth, the WHINE of a
dozen high pitched motors cuts Sara off. Both Hoyt and Sara
look out towards Earls display.
A dozen clowns driving go carts do various stunts in front
of Earls stage. Most of the CUSTOMERS at Bonner's run over
to catch the action. T

hen a SMARTCAR pulling a red Teardrop TRAILER arrives. The
crowds starts chanting "CLOWNS, CLOWNS, CLOWNS."


A tall mullet wearing clown gets out of the car, followed by
10 more clowns in descending size until an infant in a clown
suit is pulled out. The crowd goes wild.
One of the tiny clowns then goes back to the teardrop
trailer, opens the door and lets out another 15 clowns. When
they finish coming out, another tiny clown on a miniature
horse comes out.

The clowns then light off fireworks from their clown suits
and dance in formation to the tunes of Tex and the Trailer
What a bunch of clowns.
Mac stumbles over from the still truck. He's double fisting
mason jars.
Easy, Sara, we're doing our best.
Sara gives Mac a whithering look, then she and Hoyt walk
over to Weegie and Cleatus.
What did I say?
Bonner's entire crew sits around the still drinking while
watching a fireworks display shoot off Earls stage. Cleatus
get up and wanders over to a URINAL welded on the back of
Rainards Trailer-cue. As he relieves himself, DONNA LOU
appears over his shoulder.
                       DONNA LOU
Need a hand there, sausage boy?
      (zips up)
Jeez, Donna Lou, you made me wet
myself! What are you doing here?
Donna Lou slumps down in a fold out camping chair.


                       DONNA LOU
I'm done with Earl, Cleatus. He's
nothing but a womanizing over the
hill trailer salesman.
Donna Lou, I'd like to believe
you. But, well, you've kind of led
me on before. I'm not as dumb as
you think I am.
Donna Lou get up and walk over to Cleatus. She puts her
hands on his face.
                       DONNA LOU
Cleatus, I'm sorry for what I did
to you. I should have given you
more credit.
Hell Donna Lou, the only reason I
did all this was to get you back.
In a way, you made me the success
I am today.
Donna Lou hugs Cleatus, then give him a soft kiss. Cleatus
hesitates as she tries to kiss him again, unsure of himself.
                       DONNA LOU
I guess it worked, 'cause here I
am. I'm back, if you'll have me?
Um? well?
As Donna Lou kisses Cleatus again, Sara wanders over near
the trailer-cue holding two full mason jars.

She smiles when she sees Cleatus, until he turns and she
sees Donna Lou. Sara gasps and drops the two mason jars.
Both Cleatus and Donna Lou look her way.
Sara wait! Shit.
Mac WHISTLES as he sweeps up all the trash from the prior
evening. Cleatus and Weegie come out of the Visionquest and
squint at the bright morning sun. Sara and Hoyt walk towards
the display. Cleatus sees SARA and runs to her.


Sara, where did you go last night.
I was looking all over for you?
What do you care, you got what you
wanted didn't you, you got your
precious slut Donna Lou back!
Thats not true!
Look, Cleatus, since you don't
care anymore, I guess we might as
well shut this whole party down!
What the hell are you talking
She's talking about her future,
Christ, all of our futures when
T-Roi hears about this.
Hears about what? We're kicking
You mean getting our asses kicked!
We just got back from the finance
trailer, Earl is up over us by 20
She's right. Barring some miracle
today, Earl's going to keep his
lot, yours will be gone, along
with T-Roi's money and all of us
will be out of work, probably
looking over our shoulders the
rest of our lives!


The entire Bonner crew sits around the trailer-cue watching
Cirque de Soleil perform on Earl's stage.

While they watch, a figure in a white cowboy HAT parts Earls
crowd and starts crossing the lot towards the Bonner party.
All EYES are on the figure.

As he gets closure, Big Earl comes into focus. He walks up
to Cleatus. The rest of the party get to their feet.
What the hell do you want,
Oh, just thought I would check out
the view from the cheap seats.
Go to hell, Earl!
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Tell
you one thing though, Boner,
plenty of space there for another
shitty trailer salesman.
You bastard!
Cleatus jumps on Earl and they fight. After several mutual
blows with the crowd cheering them on, Earl lands a well
placed crotch shot and throws Cleatus into the remaining
remnants in Rainard's truck.

Earl laughs as he dusts off his hands while Cleatus
struggles to unwrap an intestine from his neck and head.
      (walking back to
       his display)
Good luck, son, let me know if you
need to get yourself another used
trailer now.
      (pulling meat out
       of his pants)
I hate that guy.


      (closing his cell
Good news team, that was finally
Docie. She said Cleatus' plan
worked perfectly.
Everyone looks at Cleatus, covered in bloody guts.
What, you didn't think I had a
Everyone raised their eyebrows, skeptical.
Come on everybody, let's go!
Cleatus, Mac, Jimmy John, Weegie, Sara and Hoyt are all
polished in their finest OUTFITS.

Sara taps her FOOT nervously as she looks at her WATCH.
Across the lot, Earl has a magician cutting WHITEY in half.
Suddenly an air horn BLASTS and three Trailways buses pull
up in front of Cleatus.

The door opens on the lead bus to reveal a smiling DOCIE as
the driver.
I hear you fella's are looking for
a few customers.
The doors on the other buses both open and dozens of senior
citizens in all sorts of unnatural fiber suits and dresses
stream out.

Mac, Jimmy John, Weegie, Sara and Hoyt all look at each
other, then jump into the crowd, introducing themselves and
pointing groups of seniors towards the mobile homes in the
-Cleatus leads a large group of seniors, pointing out the
various models.

-Sara lays a bed in a mobile, then pulls a male senior
citizen on the bed with her. His wife laughs and jumps on



-Weegie shows two elderly women the built in vacuum system.
The vacuum sucks off one of the women's skirts to reveal
support hose.

-Mac shows two aging good old boys an exterior built in
kegarator complete with retractable urinal.

-Cleatus sits at a desk completing PURCHASE AGREEMENTS for a
couple with several more waiting in line. Sara looks over at
him working hard and smiles. He looks up from a sale and
smiles back.

Earl looks out from his display trying to see past the BUSES
blocking his view.
CLEATUS and SARA rest next to the Visionquest as Mac,
Weegie, Jimmy John and Rainard say goodbye to the last group
of seniors while they sheppard them onto the buses. The
doors close and the buses pull away.
Sara, you have to believe me,
Donna Lou was trying to get back
with me, not the other way around.
Before I had a chance to tell her
off, you walked up. It's the
truth, really!
Sara eyes Cleatus for a second, then gives him a sultry
You were pretty impressive today.
With that group of seniors.
I guess I can be a salesman when I
need to be. It's easy when you
have such a captive group.


Where the hell did you get all
those customers?
Didn't you talk to Docie?
I was just too busy, why?
Those buses, those seniors, I had
Docie bring all those people up
from her father's casino's down on
the gulf.
You're kidding!
No joke. I had her go down there
and promise everyone a free dinner
at Popeye's if they agreed to
attend a brief one hour
presentation on the merits of a
mobile lifestyle. These poor
suckers agree and the next thing
you know, she's got them on a four
hour bus right up to our display.
That's outrageous!
Like I said, a captive group.
As they continue talking, Hoyt walks towards them from
across the parking lot.
How's it looking, Hoyt?
I can't say.
That bad? What are the tallies,


Oh, no,sorry. I can't say because
the office was closed. I put our
sales receipts in the slot. Now we
all get to wait until the council
meeting tomorrow to see who gets
to stay in business and who's out.
Tomorrows it, huh.
Cleatus' El Camino sits parked in front next to Sara's car.
Cleatus and Sara enjoy a cup of instant coffee at Sara's
tiny dinette set. A JAR of Sanka sits between them. A BOX of
white powdered mini donuts is also open.
This is damn good eatin', Sara,
thank you.
Nothings too good for the Jubilee
Slow down there, honey, we don't
know anything yet. I'm nervous as
hell about that council meeting
You didn't seem nervous last
      (takes Cleatus'
You seemed quite sure of yourself.


      (looks at her
We better get going, don't want to
be late, no matter what happens.
People stream into the building. Earl bounds up the steps
with his office girls and Whitey in tow. He shakes hands
with several people while making his way in. A moment later,
Cleatus and Sara walk hand and hand to the entrance.
The small room is packed with all interested parties. On one
AND RANCE STONER. On the other side of the aisle sits EARL,
WHITEY, JANIE, EARL'S TWO GOONS and four of Earls office
TRAMPS. The side DOOR on the platform opens and the council,
including JIMMY JOHN, enters and takes their seats.
                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
      (notes the large
Good morning. My what a large
crowd for our weekly status and
rulings meeting. Well, lets get to
it, shall we.

-Earl rubs his hair with big smile on his face and his other
hand on Janie's knee.

-Cleatus and Sara clutch each others hands with worried

-Mac drinks a 40 ounce beer from a paper bag.

-Hoyt takes big swigs off a Maalox bottle.
                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
With regards to revising the
zoning ordinances allowing only
one dealer of mobile housing
The council chairwoman shuffles several papers on her desk,
puts on her reading glasses, reads, then removes her
glasses, taking forever.


                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
Based on gross sales over the
last twelve calendar months from
the two major dealers through the
close of business yesterday, the
permit goes to Bonner's Mobile
Dreams Limited.
Cleatus and his group jump up and SCREAM and YELL. Sara hugs
everyone on their side, while Cleatus accepts congratulatory
handshakes. HOYT continues to sit, totally disheveled with a
goofy GRIN on his face.
On the other side of the room, WHITEY cries on one of the
goons shoulders. The other GOON cries while being consoled
by Janie. EARL sits slumped in his chair clearly angry with
the verdict. Several of the office GIRLS check on him.
Suddenly Earl leaps up, knocking over his CHAIR and the
GIRLS. He whips a huge HANDGUN out of his pants and fires it
into the CEILING.
No fucking redneck moron is gonna
take my trailership!
Earl runs over and grabs a stunned CLEATUS by his mullet.
The rest of the crowd YELLS then goes silent as EARL scans
the room with the gun.
Three vehicles pull up and park in the street in front of
the council building. The first and third are black Chevy
full ton PICKUPS with dual rear wheels, dark tinted windows
and lift kits. The middle vehicle is a full size Chevy
Suburban, also black with large chrome WHEELS, tinted
WINDOWS and several roof ANTENNAS.

When all the vehicles stop, several good old boys in
overalls jump out of the first and third vehicles and
created a perimeter around the middle vehicle. After a few
moments, the DOOR opens on the Suburban and T-Roi Haldean
steps out to the sidewalk.
The group starts to move towards the building when they hear
the BANG of the gun going off. All the men pull SHOTGUNS out
of their clothes. T-ROI pulls a sawed off shotgun from
inside his coveralls. The men continue into the building.


The council members have moved into the audience area. EARL
has moved CLEATUS up behind the council desk. He points the
GUN out towards the crowd.
This idiot has ruined my life!
Now, I'm going to ruin his!
Earl pulls back the HAMMER on the gun and points it towards
Cleatus' CROTCH. The crowd SCREAMS. Suddenly, the double
doors at the back of the chamber burst open and T-Roi and
his guards march in. T-ROI glares at EARL.
      (yelling, heavy
       southern drawl)
Earl, you let that boy go now!
This ain't none of your concern,
The hell it ain't! That boy is
Earl is momentarily stunned by this information and lowers
his GUN slightly. At the same time, the side DOOR on the
platform opens a crack.
What are you taking about, T-Roi?
You heard me, that boy is kin. You
take a piece of him, I'll take a
piece of you!
At that moment, the side DOOR opens wide and DOCIE leaps
across the platform on top of EARL, knocking the GUN to the
floor. T-Roi's men rush the stage and grab Earl, shoving him
against the back wall. Police officers then rush in through
the back door and grab Earl from T-Roi's men and drag him
The council is again seated on the platform. Cleatus, Sara,
Hoyt, Mac, Docie, Rainard, Ronny, Weegie and Rance are


seated on one side of the room. The other side now houses
T-Roi and his men.
                       MADAM CHAIRPERSON
First off, I want to thank Mr.
Haldean and his men for caging
that lunatic this morning. I also
want to extend a special thank you
to Docie Haldean for her
incredible bravery. So, thanks to
all of you.
      (adjusts some
       papers on the
Now, to the matter before the
council. After careful
consideration and in the spirit of
continued prosperity in Pulaski
county, we hereby grant the
occupancy permit for a casino
gaming establishment on the lot on
interstate 30 to Mr. T-Roi
      (hits her gavel on
       the desk)
This council is finally in recess.
T-Roi, Docie, Cleatus, Sara and Hoyt stand on the steps
looking out towards the town. The rest of the crowd has
left. T-Roi's security waits at the vehicles.
You did well, boy, very well,
T-Roi is pleased.
Thank you sir, thanks for
      (pauses a moment)
Sir, I have one question, though.
In the chamber you said I was kin.
Can you explain that one to me?
T-Roi looks at Cleatus with a sly grin. Docie is on T-Roi's
arm, also grinning. Cleatus stares at both of them.


You heard it same as me. Ma
shacked up with T-Roi's long dead
brother, Con-Roi. I guess he was
my father! Docie is my cousin.
So T-Roi?
Is my uncle, Uncle T-Roi.
Amazing. And that bit about
Ronnie's bar?
Kissing cousins? Is actually owned
by Docie.
That's quite a tree you fell from.
Guess so.
      (looks around)
So, are we almost there?
We are if Docie's directions are
right. Any idea what T-Roi's
little token of his appreciation
Not a clue. Well, I think this is
CLEATUS and SARA both have their MOUTH'S hanging open as
they pull up in front of a cute two story Victorian house,
complete with a sitting porch.

Parked next to the house is Cleatus' El Camino, newly
painted all orange. Next to the house are Cleatus'
DOGHOUSES. A yellow lab PUPPY walks out of one and a black
lab PUPPY runs out of the other.


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From TONY DRAKEFORD Date 7/6/2012 **1/2
Fairly good screenplay,although I did have trouble staying connected with the dialogue.I could see someone taking this and making a SNL skit out of it.

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