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Funnybones
by patrick (jewishpatrick@googlemail.com)

Rated: G   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

UK-US Culture clash.Two brothers from England decide to trace their oil Billionaire Father in the USA.With a whole heap of people getting drawn into the contest of wits that ensues.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FUNNYBONES

FADE IN:

INT. KITCHEN-ACRE LANE BRIXTON UK - DAY
                                                            
It's sunday afternoon and Helen steppe is pouring Mango
juice into four glasses with Mike,Robbie,and Cordelia steppe
seated at the table.There is a letter on the table with an
old photograph.Reference library-Brixton South London.Mike
is sitting at a table tearing a voucher for a free Big Mac
from a newspaper.Two female librarians are listening to the
sound.... and one of them is making her way over to him.At
the very same time one of his pregnant Girlfriends Kerry
O'Kool has tracked him down to the library and is climbing
the stairs.The contest of wits that emerges from this family
rift is heavily stacked in favour of the USA to begin
with.When the UK steppe brothers win $100 million dollars on
the US lottery,and follow Davy steppe their prodigal Houston
oil billionaire father to the Caribbean,in a variety of
guises from waiters Barmen-lifeguards(Robbie is a qualified
lifeguard)security guards in a supermarket etc,the balance
of power begins to shift.The pendulum is constantly swinging
between these factions with Hermann Joplinski chief adviser
to Steppe oil,pulling out all the stops in an effort to
teach these Brits some manners.The UK steppe brothers have
engaged a top public relations company-The Stitch up-to wind
the Yanks up-Big time.Late at night-Mike and Robbie Arrive
at LA International Airport-Mike is chatting to a female on
the Car Hire desk-as Robbie makes arrangements for some
wheels.(Hermann, closely watching their movements, has
instructed a contact at The Hire company to give them an old
wreck-just about legal-with a heater that cannot be switched
off-back bumper hanging loose-it lurches forward in Herbie
goe's to Hollywood mode) have spent the morning at the
Steppe mansion in a Houston suburb,with Becca steppe and
Mike getting on very well.They are the least perturbed about
being related,and are sitting in the library,drinking coffee
and munching on croissants.There is a very different state
of affairs unfolding in the grounds of the mansion.Beach the
butler is looking out of the kitchen window.Trevor steppe is
in a Mustang and Chasing Robbie around the grounds.
                                                            
                       BEACH
Fool of a boy-climb up a tree
don't run from him.
                                                            
Robbie is ducking and diving between tables and chairs near
the swimming pool-with tables and chairs scattering in every
direction as the Mustang ploughs it's way through in hot
pursuit.With nowhere left to run Robbie dives into the
pool.The Mustang follows him in-unwilling or unable to give

2.

up the chase.Beach the butler is watching this-with a
running commentary-and when the mustang disappears into the
swimming pool-he slaps his hand on his thigh and hits the
alarm button on the wall for security.Thirty seconds later
three security guards rush into the kitchen.
                                                            
                       BEACH
They're in the pool-they're in the
pool.
                                                            
Head of security Jay appears first,followed by two serious
looking characters.
                                                            
                       JAY
What's the problem Beach?
                                                            
                       BEACH
Trevor and one of the UK visitors
are in the swimming pool.
                                                            
Three guards looking down into the pool at the
Mustang-Robbie surfaces shaking his head
                                                            
                       JAY
What's your name again?
                                                            
                       CARL
Hey look it's flipper
                                                            
Robbie is pulling himself out of the pool with some help
from Tommy.
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Robbie steppe.
                                                            
                       JAY
Is Trevor ok down there?
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Your friend the Loch Ness
monster-is in deep trouble.The
doors are jammed and the car is
filling up with water.
                                                            
                       JAY
Tommy-call Houston Rescue-get them
over here now.Carl start to drain
the pool.
                                                            
Jay removes his shoes and dives into the pool.Some minutes
later a helicopter with a Green and yellow Houston Rescue
logo appears hovering over the pool.Robbie,Tommy and Jay are
attempting to get into the car-though their efforts are in

3.

vain.Trevor is up to his neck in water-it's getting
frantic.Two divers drop from the helicopter and one of them
lands on Robbie as he emerges from underneath the car.The
injured diver withdraws leaving Robbie and diver 2 to
complete the task.A bag of tools is lowered from the
helicopter into the pool.
                                                            
Jay,Robbie and the security guard surface taking air into
their lungs-with Jay and Tommy being helped out of the
pool.Robbie heads back to the car again.
                                                            
                       JAY
(Shaking his head)How can he go
back down there?My lungs can't
take another second under water.
                                                            
The diver needs Robbies help to complete the task.Problem is
there is only one air supply-and time is running out.They
are going to have to share it.Robbie and diver passing air
supply between them.The three of them together make the
connections-signal the helicopter-that starts to winch the
car out of the water- much to Trevors relief-now with his
head up against the roof of the car-watching everything-and
gettng ready to hold his breath.On the surface the Steppe
family-They are one family now-at least for the
moment-together with Jay,security guards,beach the butler
and medics from the helicopter crew.At last the car is out
of the water,and the helicopter sets it down on the lawn.The
rescue team use some tools to open the door-with a flood of
water drenching the lawn.Cheers and celebrations.Robbie
helps the diver out of the pool.
                                                            
Davy steppe is on vacation in the Caribbean where he has
gone to escape the attentions of the UK family posse,and is
on the phone to Beach the butler.
                                                            
                       BEACH
We've had a situation here
sir,though it seems to be under
control.The helicopter has just
winched Trevor and the Mustang out
of the swimming pool-and not a
minute too soon.
                                                            
                       DAVY
Helicopter?What the heck is going
on Beach?
                                                            
                       BEACH
It appears Trevor and one of the
UK visitors-Robbie I think his
name is sir-had a slight
difference of opinion-with Trevor
deciding that the only honourable
            (MORE)

4.

                       BEACH (cont'd)
way to settle the matter-was to
waste Robbie sir-when our english
friend decides to dive into the
swimming pool to avoid Trevor in
the Mustang and his unwelcome
advances-whereby Trevor not
willing to be thwarted in his
design-proceeds to pursue him
underwater-jules verne style-as it
we're sir-without fear,foreboding
or favouritism so to speak-if you
follow my meaning.
                                                            
There's a pause on the line...
                                                            
                       DAVY
What are you smoking in that pipe
of your's Beach-Crack-cocaine?
                                                            
                       BEACH
I hope not sir-these circumstances
are most unfortunate
                                                            
                       DAVY
Did I not leave precise
instructions concerning our
English friends Beach?
                                                            
                       BEACH
Yes Sir-I do believe you
did-though if I may be so bold - I
understand an old photograph-shown
to Rebecca-of you with
Robbie,Mike,and Cordelia steppe-if
I can use that name sir-in your
arms-might have had something to
do with creating the present
tension.
                                                            
Another pause on the line...
                                                            
                       DAVY
Yes well-that's er-I'm-we What-and
after some mumbling and
fumbling...Put Jay on the phone
Beach.
                                                            
                       BEACH
Very good sir.
                                                            
(OPEN SESSION)
                                                            

5.

A week after these events Mike and Robbie win $100 million
dollars with a lottery ticket bought for them by their step
sister,and are invited to talk radio Houston as guests on
the ...Radio show.Appearing on the programme wth them is the
Reverend..Mike has gained a reputation as a ladies man
having dated quite a few women from Houston-and word has got
around of their appearance on the show.There's a crowd of
women gathered at the entrance to the station waiting to
meet Mike.They are chanting we want Mike-We want Mike-We
want Mike.Robbie and Mike arrive in a limo and are
surrounded by screaming women.
                                                            
The security guards somehow manage to get them into the
building-though Mike has lost his black leather Jacket.
                                                            
Introductions inside the studio-and the two settle down but
the chanting is distracting.We want mike-We want Mike.The
presenter asks the studio manager to cool things down.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
So you guys have really hit the
jackpot-you're going to have a lot
of friends in this town.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
And friends in high places.
                                                            
The reverend has a wicked sense of humour-but it's leading
somewhere.
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Thank you reverend-I was telling
my brother on the way over here in
the limo-that he has got to learn
to keep his trousers on.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Well if you thought you had
problems before son-now the pair
of you are really gonna learn what
female trouble is-(looking at
Mike)that's your fan club out
there I understand.
                                                            
Mike looks embarassed,his innate modesty prevents him from
making private matters public.He is in for a roller-coaster
ride as the reverend considers this subject to be in the
public domain.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Yeah-That's kind of private
Reverend
                                                            

6.

                       REVEREND T
Screwing around is never private
Mike-it affects everybody-single
mothers-kids with no
fathers-growing up confused and
angry.
                                                            
                       MIKE
I'm responsible Reverend-I always
use protection.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
That's what you guys call being
responsible-carrying condoms with
you wherever you go.
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
What is it with you old timers
Reverend?This is a new age-If we
want to screw around-take some
drugs and enjoy life-what's it got
to do with you?The wisest King
that ever lived-Solomon-Had 800
wifes-so what difference does it
make if I have half a dozen?
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
At least King Solomon married for
political reasons-to protect his
kingdom!With you guy's it's just
lust-and you are turning the world
into a war zone.Sex and drugs is
all you ever think about!Even King
Solomon must have wondered if he
was being wise sometimes!
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
And Money Reverend!War zone?I
think your generation are
responsible for that.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Look-what I'm trying to say is
that you don't have to take your
clothes off-to have a good
time.You can enjoy a drink-I like
a pint of Guinness-and think about
building a future with your
lady.What's wrong with that?
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
You're out of touch Reverend.
                                                            

7.

                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Nimesh-welcome to Houston
radio-your live on air!
                                                            
                       NIMESH
Yeah-I just want to say to
Spartacus-It might not be cool to
say it-but you need to listen to
the reverend on this one.Lust is a
dangerous business-I know from
experience-You're gonna end up
knackered-I know this route-it's a
waste of time-trouble is we will
never listen to anybody,and have
to learn everything through
experience-the hard way.You're
gonna come around to what the
Reverend is saying- in a few
years- you will have changed your
tune.
                                                            
(Open session).
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
OH No-another do-gooder that's
seen the light!
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Are you against condoms Reverend?
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
We are not against condoms per
se-we are concerned with this
attitude that many youth have
towards sex-It creates havoc-and
brings society to it's knees.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Hey Spartacus-Have you ever
considered just getting yourself a
good woman and settling down?The
reverend has got a point.
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
There's too many hot chicks around
for that pete-we ain't got no time
for no psychological Romance.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Hot Chicks-Is that not the most
callous attitude to women you ever
heard?You're going to end up a
lonely old man Spartacus.When you
wake up to the error of your
            (MORE)

8.

                       REVEREND T (cont'd)
ways-It will probably be to late!
                                                            
Hermann Joplinsky is glued to his radio reciever.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
This might be a good time to take
our first call-Mike and
Robbie-It's Mandy on the
line.Welcome to WIFE Houston talk
radio mandy.
                                                            
                       MANDY
Hi everybody.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Hi Mandy-you're through to Mike
and Robbie.
                                                            
                       MANDY
You probably don't remember me
Mike-we met about a month ago.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Oh Yeah.
                                                            
                       MANDY
At scruples the nightclub.
                                                            
                       MIKE
OK
                                                            
                       MANDY
You don't sound very sure.
                                                            
Robbie is kicking Mike under the table.
                                                            
                       MIKE
OK-Yes I do remember Mandy
right-what's happening?
                                                            
                       MANDY
Yeah-well I got the uh test
results a couple of days ago-and
I'm pregnant.It's probably
pointless asking you if you're
gonna marry me-pauses-so there's a
$500,000 five hundred thousand
dollar patrimony suit on it's way
to you.
                                                            
                       HERMANN
That's my girl.
                                                            

9.

                       REVEREND T
Safe sex eh?You guy's are so
naive-People have heard that you
have got some money-and so they
set you up with women-and you take
the bait,foolish and easily
decieved as you are!Look the
church want people to enjoy
marriage and sex,be faithful to
their partners-and avoid the
nightmare of divorce.Now there are
a few things you need to know, and
accept, if you're going to embrace
a healthy lifestyle.We recognise
that young people have a great
need for relationships-together
with intimacy and affection-but
one night stands and casual sex is
not the answer.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Thank you for calling W.I.F.E
Houston you're through to Mike and
Robbie.
                                                            
                       GARY
Reverend-I never thought I'd hear
myself saying this-but I'm in
complete agreement with you-what a
pair of jokers-absolutely
pathetic.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Hullo Gary-It's good to know we're
getting through to somebody.The
world is a war zone Gary-full of
deception of every kind,and it's
difficult to get the youth to
accept this-until they have had
there own experiences.Sadly by the
time they understand what it's
about,they are seriously damaged
goods.
                                                            
                       GARY
I hope these guys are not going to
say that they are Christians.You
get these characters that jump
into bed with women-and have the
cheek to say they are Christians.
                                                            

10.

                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Mike-can I ask you if you have
ever thought of getting
married-only many of our listeners
must be thinking this very thing?
                                                            
Estatic cheers from the fan club!what do we want?We want
mike-When do we want him?we want mike right here-right now!
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Now I've heard everything.I don't
know about how you guy's do things
in England-but in Chicago and the
USA we have certain standards.Lock
up your daughters,these guy's are
dangerous.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
We've got a caller on the line
from the United Kingdom-courtesy
of our internet radio link-Kwesi
what do you think of the show so
far-is Mike a brother from another
planet or what?
                                                            
                       KWESI
Good morn or evening friends.If I
can make a few observations-this
sounds like a clash of
cultures-Traditional and modern
lifestyles are worlds apart.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
kwesi-Can I ask you to turn your
radio down- We have got some
terrible feedback in the
background.
                                                            
                       KWESI
Ahh,thats my sister Yemi
screeching you can hear-She want's
to know who Spartacus thinks he
is-speaking about women that way.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
That's a fair point Kwesi-what
about your own lifestyle-where are
you in the UK?
                                                            
                       KWESI
Somewhere very green.
                                                            

11.

                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Regent's park is very green
Kwesi.What are your views on
Mike's lifestyle?
                                                            
                       KWESI
They are both very Rich now-and a
lot of people are watching
them-especially youth.Are they
going to act like rich fools-or do
something worthwhile with their
fortune?The way I see it-you get a
good woman-enjoy your work-or
study something that leads in that
direction,keep your faith
alive,with some charitable
activity-and enjoy your life.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Wise words Kwesi-add keep your
family ties-and a few good
friends-and you're not far from
the Kingdom of Heaven.
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
kingdom of heaven?How are these
fornicators going to find a way in
there?
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
That's you is it Spartacus?
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
yes-you're right Peter the
meter-I'm "stay
cool"Spartacus.Now-lets not mince
words with the hypocrites-these
guy's say they are christian-with
a Christian background-both
parents Christian believers-yet we
are hearing from pregnant women
from every corner of the
earth-every few minutes-another
one appears-Mandy-kerry-and any
number of others.what's going
on?Excuse me-Hallo-Can somebody
remind them that there is no sex
before marriage with
Christians!Even I know that and
I'm a militant atheist!!!
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Reverend?
                                                            

12.

                       REVEREND T
Fair comment Spartacus-Somebody
told me that you we're a Christian
Spartacus-before you became an
Atheist-Is there any truth in
that? These guy's are out of
control!It's worth remembering
that the christian concept of
marriage-Until death do us part
provides the framework for a
loving relationship,that continues
through the years,creating
friendship between partners and a
togetherness that transcends
problems.
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
Are you for real Reverend?I came
out of the womb an
atheist.(Develop Open session)The
married people I know are forever
arguing,cussing one another,and in
a state of war.I don't want no
part of that!
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Choose your partners carefully-you
are going to spend the rest of
your life with them.Now I don't
expect the youth will accept
this-but eventually-you will come
around to it....and for mature
christians and other people of
Goodwill,I should like for you to
consider this book,it'sby
Christopher west and is an
introduction to John Paul II's
theology of the body.Even
christians have problems with
marriage,and need to understand
the bigger picture.Don't be fooled
into marriage-pay attention-it's
not a joke.No forced marriage is
acceptable to God.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
She's got a point Kwesi-the beauty
of live radio is that she can ask
him herself-put her on the phone.
                                                            
                       KWESI
Are you sure?
                                                            

13.

                       YEMI
Hello.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Hi Yemi-welcome to the show.You've
got something to say to
Spartacus-go ahead you're on air.
                                                            
                       SPARTACUS
Hi Yemi-dont get me wrong-I love
women.
                                                            
                       YEMI
You've got an attitude!!You sexist
dog.
                                                            
Cracow Airport-A film crew are on their way to the kazimierz
quarter for a Hermann joplinski documentary-to interview
family relations and his four ex wives.
                                                            
janek arrives at family home-rings doorbell and is greeted
by his dad.
                                                            
See computer
                                                            
                       JANEK
Bribery is a way of life with you.
                                                            
                       MAREK
Think of it as an incentive.
                                                            
                       JANEK
What happens if they realize that
you don't in fact know him-that
you've never in fact even met him?
                                                            
                       MAREK
Everybody knows Hermaan
Joplinski-he's a public figure.Did
you bring my tobacco?
                                                            
Janek hands Marek tobacco pouch.Dips into pocket of his
raincoat for yellow stickers.
                                                            
                       MAREK
Give me a few minutes to memorise
this-are these stickers edible?
                                                            
                       JANEK
I can see the headlines
now-koplinski in joplinski sting.
                                                            

14.

Marek ignores these comments and continues to peruse the
facts.
                                                            
                       MAREK
This is good-though what we need
to add are some obscure facts that
are not widely known.
                                                            
                       JANEK
How do you know they are even
going to ask you anything?
                                                            
                       MAREK
Bozena's husband is driving them
around Cracow-in a minibus -and is
going to bring them here.
                                                            
                       JANEK
Now I understand how conspiracys
get started.Are you sure about
this?Have you considered the
consequences of this deep game of
deception?These Americans are
pretty darned smart!
                                                            
                       MAREK
(Ignores Him)We haven't lived
through these decades of
communism-(where nothing is what
it seems to be)in vain Janek.Try
the local library-though whatever
you do-don't mention his
name,anything unusual will be
good-that way we can provide them
with information they can't get
from anybody else.
                                                            
                       JANEK
So it's a sort of information
service?
                                                            
                       MAREK
Now you're thinking son!
                                                            
When Janek arrives the top floor of the Cracow library is
crammed with students researching Hermann Joplinsky.
                                                            
Two women arrive at the radio station wearing a huge We want
Mike -Gods Gift to women T-shirt-they are both in the one
T-shirt-we want mike.The fan club-led by Molly malone- are
chanting.Mike we love you!
                                                            

15.

Molly is not one to miss a chance to make a quick buck-and
has arranged with the local printer to put Mikes very
photogenic face on T-Shirts and Hoodies-Hermann-who never
misses a trick or opportunity to discredit the lads has
bribed the printer to turn "God's Gift to women" into "Cod's
Gift to women".
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Reverend-We are getting reports of
women arriving from the four
corners of the Globe-by bus-and
car-train and even by plane from
memphis-The UK-France and
Israel-to catch a glimpse of
mike-this is turning into an Elvis
syndrome.Do you have any advice
for the playboy?
                                                            
(Open session)
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Dancing and singing Kool and the
gang-Everybody wants your love-I
just want to make you mine oh
mine-Na Na etc.Give it up-baby
give it up.Get real Mike-One man
one vote!Listen to me mike-This
preoccupation with sex is
unhealthy-you're a family man
now-Forget all this manipulative
stuff-and concentrate on your
family!It's not you they want-it's
impossible to satisfy them-head
for the hills-and consider your
future.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
That sounds to me like good advice
Mike-you two christian brothers
are losing your religion.
                                                            
                       MIKE
That's me in the corner-that's me
in the spotlight-losing my
religion.
                                                            
                       STUDIO MANAGER
They're blocking the roads-we've
got about 100,000 women heading
this way.
                                                            
(Open session).
                                                            

16.

                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Samantha is on the phone with a
song for mike-samantha let's have
it!
                                                            
Samantha and her sister are in the kitchen with a home
studio set up-microphones and digital mixing desks-this pair
are professionals.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Hi Mike-we rewrote this song for
you....My sister wants to be a
millioniare so frigging bad-and
buy her baby all the things she
never had.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
We want to be on the cover of
..... magazine smiling next to
O'bama and the Queen-(hey what
about Oprah)Valentines day is not
far away,and Mike and me had
agreed to sway-so I guess the
world had better prepare-for Mike
junior-the millionaire.
                                                            
(Open session)
                                                            
Its a great version-they are both very talented,and samantha
has a very good voice.The radio presenter is
impressed-everybody's impressed-Capitol records are on the
phone-they want to record it!
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
You're not going to believe this
Samantha capital records want to
record your version of That Travie
song-Stay on the line-we want your
details!
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Are you serious-that's
brilliant-Mike we owe it to
you-Roxanne says hi.
                                                            
Mike is sitting at an Oberheim keyboard in the corner of the
studio-he has written down the chords to the song-and put
together a funky- reggae- groove introduction.(See Phil for
keyboards-Bob marley Concrete Jungle Clavichord sound).
                                                            
Many people sense-especially women-that Mike is a very Good
Arranger/Songwriter and has this latent musical talent just
waiting to develop something Great.Music companys have heard

17.

about His collection of cover songs (EMI-SONY)+some
originals and this catapults him into the spotlight.Choose
songs to cover for a Gold disc. (Open Session song
suggestions).ELO-Bob Dylan and friends-Charity album -handle
me with Care+other great songs.
                                                            
A Major music company are showing an interest in him.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hi Roxy-Hey you two are really
good-Iv'e put together an
introduction for your tune-see
what you think.(See Phil for
introduction and suggestions).
                                                            
Mike is studying arranging,and has put together a seriously
good intro-people are smiling in the studio-they feel that
it's a hit.Plays intro.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
What do you think of that
Samantha?it sounds like you've got
a million seller with mikes
keyboards.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
We're going to need a producer
Mike-what do you say?
                                                            
                       MIKE
If they haven't already got a top
producer in mind Sam-you can count
me in-at the very least I can play
some keyboards.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Yeah mike er Roxanne wants to know
if it's ok to call the baby Mike
Junior?
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
(Changing the subject)OK-lets read
some of the fan email for Robbie
and Mike-There is plenty of
it.This one is from- looks like
Kerry.
                                                            
Robbie puts his hand to his brow.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Yeaoh Mike-you prankster.I'm
exhausted.Iv'e just given birth to
a nine pounder-and quite a few
ounces baby boy.Your son is
            (MORE)

18.

                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER. (cont'd)
healthy and his name is-wait for
it-Aaron,michael,david,Shakespeare,O'bama,marvin,mandela,O'kool,steppe.Are
you happy with that?Are you going
to be here for the christening-We
need to give this little chap a
good start.Thanks for the
money-I've bought a flat,an
Iphone,and some things for
Aaron.You tell those two
counterfitters to write their own
songs-instead of copying other
peoples-later,Your number 1-Kerry
O'kool.ps-watch what you
say-theyll be calling you a
radical.
                                                            
Complete silence in the studio.
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
This is too much-it's a hoax
right!
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Kerry is mikes longtime girlfriend
Reverend-she's a very umm-
colourful character.
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Stacey wants to know if you are
still into rehearsing mike?
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Stacey-animated-stacey.we've had
mandy,Roxanne.Kerry,I'm
sorry-stacey is just beyond the
pale.....
                                                            
                       SAMANTHA
Roxanne and stacy are the same
person reverend-stacy's her middle
name!
                                                            
                       REVEREND T
Mike,you're a one man baby
boom.You are a parent now and need
to show yourself a man and take on
the responsibilities of
fatherhood.What do you say?
                                                            
                       MIKE
I'm trying reverend.
                                                            

19.

                       REVEREND T
Are you son-are you?
                                                            
                       LEROY
Michael-you don't hear what the
reverend tell you.You is a man
behaving like a boy.From what you
say,you're own father ignore
you,and now you continue the cycle
of ignorance by forgetting your
own children.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Good ....your through to WIFE
Houston with Peter the
meter-you've got some advice for
Mike and Robbie Matthew...
                                                            
                       MATTHEW
Yeah Hi Guys,the simplest solution
to family Genealogy questions is
often DNA.Our company"It's in your
Genes"-provide a discreet service
where there are paternity issues
that need resolving.There's no
need to argue-we take some samples
and give you the facts within
days.Get in touch.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Thank goodness for common sense
Matthew-with Hermann Joplinski
about to go into combat
mode-you've provided a way for
everybody to save face.Where is
your office?
                                                            
Hermann Joplinski starts Backtracking-Even He cannot argue
with DNA.
                                                            
                       RADIO PRESENTER-FAMILY MAN PETER THE METER.
Hermann,this might be a good time
for your perspective on these
matters.
                                                            
                       HERMANN
Yes,hello everybody,Peter,you've
mis -represented me-What I
actually said was that these young
men that are involved in
adulterous affairs are bandits-and
I stick by that.Now, with respect
to the Steppe situation,we've had
many imposters in the
            (MORE)

20.

                       HERMANN (cont'd)
past-Reverend you must appreciate
that-pretending to be related-even
some members of the church-and the
Steppe family are very reluctant
to get involved with them.
                                                            
Brixton-South London,saturday afternoon and Robbie is taking
Cordelia to cooking lessons at a restaurant in the
village.He parks his ice blue classic 1968 jag at a parking
slot-and inserts some coins.Three minutes later-two of
hermanns hermits arrive in a stolen tow truck-and proceed to
load the car on board-Cecil is standing on the bright side
of the st-watching them with other onlookers.
                                                            
                       CECIL
Who tell you to tow that car?
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
This Jalopy is nearly as old as
you Grandad-It should not be on
the road-it's a menace to other
road users-we're taking it to a
scrapyard.
                                                            
                       CECIL
That's not what I ask you.I say
who tell you to tow this car?
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Don't get cheeky grandad-or we
might take you to the scrapyard
with the jag.
                                                            
                       CECIL
You and whose army-I'd like to see
you try.
                                                            
The american suddenly swings the tow truck arms across the
road-cecil has turned around to speak to one of the
onlookers-laughing behind him.The crab like pinchers makes a
grab for him,and swoop him up into the air-with onlookers
shouting and holding on to his legs.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
(Bursting into song)Is this the
real life-is this just
fantasy-caught in a landslide no
escape from reality-Open your eyes
look up to the sky's and see.He's
just a grandad-with no need of
sympathy...
                                                            

21.

                       ONLOOKERS
Let him go!
                                                            
                       CECIL
Oh mama mia-mama mia let me go.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
I see a little silhouetto of a
man-scaramouche-scaramouche will
he do the fandango?
                                                            
                       CECIL
Blouse and skirt-let me go before
you tear me in two.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
I'm going to release you
Grandad-In future don't get
involved in other peoples
business.
                                                            
                       CECIL
I'm just a Grandad-nobody loves
me.
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
(With jamaican accent)He's just a
poor boy-from a poor family-spare
him his life from this
monstrosity.
                                                            
The American releases Cecil and swings the apparatus back to
the jag and continues with loading.
                                                            
                       CECIL
I see the error of my ways-and
chastised by this experience-have
resolved not to get involved in
other peoples problems again.
                                                            
The crowd are clapping-and it's turning into a parade.
                                                            
In the restaurant Robbie dressed in a chef's outfit-is
making a complete idiot of himself and Cordelia (with some
help from a very attractive hermann blonde).
                                                            
The American has decided to drive-and gets into the driving
seat-Tadeuz his polish co-driver and hermit looks worried.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Are you ready Teddy-Here we go!
                                                            

22.

The driver crunches the truck into first gear-oops its
reverse- and mashes up a vw beetle.Onlookers are embarassed
and vocal.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Now that is what you call a nice
looking woman!
                                                            
Continues in this mode-on the wrong side of the road-and
rips off the door of a mini while checking the talent.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
What is wrong with these folks-why
do they drive on the wrong side of
the road?
                                                            
The tow truck tears into a LT minibus-and slices it in
two-and it opens up like a can of corned beef.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Get over to your own side-how much
of the road do you people want?
                                                            
D the American-is looking everywhere apart from the road.He
chat's to Tadeuz-With teddy warning him of approaching
vehicles-checks out the talent-makes up songs-with only an
odd glance at other traffic.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
Wrong side-wrong side of road!
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Sorry buddy-hey this is England
right!starts into a song-I once
knew a girl-who drove on the
left-side of the road-in Southern
California-the traffic cops they
warn ya...you're born in the
USA-(Open session).
                                                            
                       TEDDY
Where did hermann get you from?
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
I tell you what Teddy-that
Joplinski is one clever Dude.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
Can you look at the road please
when you are driving.
                                                            

23.

Barry has managed to find a way through the back streets-and
emerges from nowhere in front of the tow truck-stopped at
traffic lights- in his mini cooper-minus a drivers door.
                                                            
                       BARRY
Oy you-pointing at driver and
missing door-you did that.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
(Sticking his head out of the
window)Cool it Mister!
                                                            
                       BARRY
Cool it-Cool it.I'll give you Cool
it.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
This town is full of Jalopy's
Teddy-some people are even driving
them without doors.
                                                            
Barry is getting ready to spring onto the truck-without a
moment to lose Teddy reaches for a rucksack at his
feet-opens the passenger door-and opens the zip of the
rucksack.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
(Looking at the mini)How much will
a new one cost?
                                                            
                       BARRY
How much for a new door?-That's
not the point-you blokes can't go
around tearing doors off cars.You
reckless idiots.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
No-How much for a new car?
                                                            
                       BARRY
How much for a new car-I don't
know -my wife bought it.Why are
you or that slob-pointing at the
American- going to buy me a new
car?
                                                            
Teddy starts handing him a huge wad of banknotes-as much as
he can carry.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
That should take care of it.Sorry
for the trouble.
                                                            

24.

Barry shovels the money into the passenger seat-Teddy takes
his car registration number-and heads for the truck.The two
drive away with Barry-dazed and confused- shaking his head.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
Where did you learn to drive?
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Watching American monster trucks
on television.Can you believe
those guys and those huge wheels?
                                                            
Hermann is on the phone to Teddy-wanting to know what the
heck is going on.Reports are reaching him of an out of
control pair in a tow truck.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
(In Polish)-Yes Mr Joplinski-I
understand-right away sir.It won't
happen again-Yes-its very clear
sir.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
What doe's joplinski want?
                                                            
                       TEDDY
Mr joplinski-say's you haven't got
a driving license-and you should
not be driving.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
What did I tell you-That Joplinski
is like a wizard-from Lord of the
rings or something-He must have
one of those big glass balls they
look into-or a beam of light
circling the earth-checking
humanity's behaviour.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
He says you are to park the truck
in the nearest side road-unload
the car-and I will drive into the
village-pickup Magda-and go to the
coast.And in future keep a low
profile-with no antics.Is that
clear?
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Crystal clear-ted the fed.For
somebody with only limited
English-you are remarkably
articulate Teddy.We make for the
coast-in a stolen ice blue classic
            (MORE)

25.

                       THE AMERICAN (cont'd)
jaguar-with a blonde -and that's
Mr joplinski's idea of keeping a
low profile.I say-Go for it!
                                                            
Having parked the truck in a side road-and unloaded the
jag-Teddy is on his phone to Magda.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
(In polish)Are you ready Magda?We
will be in front of the restaurant
in three minutes.
                                                            
                       MAGDA
(In polish)You had better Hurry
up-the steppe brothers are on to
me.
                                                            
(OPEN SESSION)
                                                            
Teddy driving Jag appears in front of the village-with a
Chinese vendor (Chings husband) waving his arms-saying you
can't drive in there.
                                                            
Car stops at cafe with Mrs edwards and friend-having
lunch.Mrs edwards is just about to bite into a massive
burger-when the long arm of the American reaches out of the
jag and takes it off the plate.
                                                            
Robbie steppe at the mini police station reporting his car
missing.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
I'll say one thing for you guy's
-You know how to make a
burger-munching away on it.
                                                            
                       MRS EDWARDS
The wrath of Mrs Edwards-You no
good-low down bandit-steal my
burger would you?
                                                            
Approaching another eaterie-the American swipes a carton of
Levi roots Caribbean Krush from a painter just about to
drink it.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Try some of this Teddy-that is
what you call tasty!Now what I
need is a couple of mango's for
dessert.
                                                            
....
                                                            

26.

Mrs Edwards appears at the window of the car with a tennis
racket which she is banging on the roof-denting the
paintwork.
                                                            
The American ignores her.
                                                            
Robbie steppe appears at the entrance to the village, and
spots his car- with mrs Edwards-with a steel framed tennis
racket going into one-and trying to put a hole in the roof.
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Hey stop that-that's my car-those
Americans have stolen it.
                                                            
Mrs Edwards partner is lobbing tennis balls into the air-and
Ophelia is whacking them in to the car at the American.They
are skimming off his head.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Hey lady-I'm trying to eat a
burger.
                                                            
                       MRS EDWARDS
So you have stolen this car and my
Hamburger-You miserable wretch.We
are going to teach you yanks a
lesson you will never forget.
                                                            
Prophetic words indeed -when Dunlop falls in Love with
Stevie the Southampton teacher.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
On mobile phone-Magda quick-we are
in....
                                                            
A tennis ball bounces off teddys head-and his mobile phone
flys out of the window.
                                                            
Magda running from restaurant recognizes Robbie steppe on
his way to the Jag.The American is trying to open the
passenger car door,to let her in, but with Robbie,Ophelia
and partner together with the vendors in pursuit it's
proving difficult..Magda spots a 3 wheel Police motor bike
in front of the magpie cafe that just happens to have the
keys in the ignition- as she is looking for a way out -and
breaks loose from the storm.
                                                            
Roadblocks in Brixton-A Polish woman on a stolen Police
Motorbike is being chased through the market(Open
session).Magda abandons the Bike at The Rec.....
                                                            
Ching walking through the market-stoops down to pick up a
mobile phone-in a corner.
                                                            

27.

                       CHING
(waving the phone around)is this
anybody's?
                                                            
Blank stares.Ching takes the phone around to the market
office.Sign on door:Contact vendors at shop 7.
                                                            
After the Journey to margate,the trio head -on the coast
road-through various towns,and meetings with remarkable
characters,to a marriage of minds-where The American falls
in love with a local teacher-and a folk group-English
heritage have written some songs for them-complete with folk
dancers-and a fayre on the green- in the friendly,majestic
and beautiful Town of Southampton.
                                                            
Stevie-the southampton teacher,is having a profound effect
on Dunlop-The American-yes that's his name.She is
introducing him to her friends-mostly other teachers-and his
whole life view is changing.Meetings with teachers in
pubs-Shakespeare in Amateur Drama Groups-Music soirees at
Stevies flat etc-This small town friendly atmosphere-It's a
whole new world from a Big city..Dunlop is reeling from the
depth of talent-and genuine friendliness he is encountering
in provincial England.He is giving up his bad habits and
considering a real relationship.Hermann is not happy with
these developments,and is planning some trickery(pretending
magda is pregnant and tricking Dunlop into marrying her) to
separate them.
                                                            
A hermit-Benny- has arrived in a taxi at ophelia's flat
looking for dunlop.He is a huge American fellow-apparently
good natured-educated and suave.Ophelia takes him over to
stevies place-He insists on getting a taxi-and paying for
it!
                                                            
                       BENNY
So-what do you folks get up to in
Southampton?Dunlop tells me you're
a wild bunch of ravers.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
That dunlop is full of it-are you
and him friends?
                                                            
                       BENNY
You might say that-I'm his
uncle-and look after him.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
That fellow can drink like a
fish-I've never known anything
like it-everybody's impressed with
his capacity.
                                                            

28.

                       BENNY
Nobody can say he can't hold his
drink!
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
And he's a deep sea diver right-I
guess that explains it.
                                                            
                       BENNY
One of our finest divers-until the
accident.Now he just takes care of
Logistics
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
What happened?
                                                            
                       BENNY
You mean he did'nt tell you-That's
not like him.He was diving off the
coast of .... and noticed an
Italian diver in trouble and went
to help her.She panicked during
the rescue-and created a crisis
out of a drama.He managed to get
her to the top-but he was damaged
by the experience,never the same
man!
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
Wow-that's why he drinks so
much!What a super hero-spider man.
that's too much.
                                                            
                       BENNY
(Looking out of the window)Hey
southampton really is a quaint and
pretty town-Very charming.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
We think so-So you Americans
really do say "quaint"!
                                                            
They arrive at Stevies flat-Benny tips the driver
handsomely-and Ophelia raps on the kitchen window.There are
three dancers grooving to a recently mixed track.Door opens
with buzzer sound.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
(Ophelia pointing to kitchen
door)Knock on that door-they're in
there.
                                                            

29.

Ophelia heads to the lounge-where there is a closed circuit
tv in the corner-switches it on-and taking off her
jacket-she glances at the screen to make sure Benny has
connected-only to see Benny with his ear to the kitchen
door.She grins and scratches her head.On her mobile she
phones Michelle.
                                                            
                       MICH
yeaoh murphy-what you up to?
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
Hi Mich,is Dunlop there?-only
there's a friend of his from
America to see him.
                                                            
                       MICH
They've gone to the park-Stevies
taken him to the green spaces-to
impress him with nature and....
probably watch him drink the lake
dry.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
yeah-i'm not sure what he is up
to,but he's got his ear up to the
kitchen door-i'm watching him on
the monitor.
                                                            
Michelle turns to dancers-and points to speakers-slips a
disc into the cd-presses play and turns up the volume-123
suddenly opens door.loud music starts-Benny with his ear to
the door-is catapulted into the kitchen-just about staying
on his feet-whoa,whoa,whoa yeah-and doing the first thing
that comes to mind- finds himself dancing -somewhat
arkwardly-to put it mildly-around the kitchen to cover up a
diificult moment.
                                                            
                       BENNY
Oh Hi everybody-great party!
                                                            
The dancers have surrounded him-and it turns into a song of
solomon contest- and battle of strategy.
                                                            
                       MICH
(turns the sound down)-what's your
game mister Chubby checker?I hear
your a friend of Dunlops.
                                                            
                       BENNY
Benvolio ....known to his friends
as benny-and very pleased to meet
you.Ophelia suggested I might find
him here.
                                                            

30.

Ophelia arrives in the room-she has a puzzled skeptical
expression on her face.
                                                            
                       MICH
They have gone to East park-just
by the University-about twenty
minutes ago.
                                                            
                       BENNY
Ok,perhaps I'll take a walk in
that direction-I could do with
some fresh air.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
What brings you to southampton
Benny?
                                                            
                       BENNY
Oil business.
                                                            
                       MICH
You're looking for oil?
                                                            
                       BENNY
Dunlop and I work for an oil
company in texas-
                                                            
                       MICH
Doing what exactly?
                                                            
                       BENNY
Logistics.
                                                            
ophelia likes Benny-she is just perplexed by his behaviour.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
We are having a few snacks-and
some drinks-light refreshments
tomorrow-perhaps you and dunlop
might come along-around three.
                                                            
                       BENNY
Thank you kindly Maam-i'm happy to
accept on behalf of my friend.
                                                            
Benny heads for the door-smiling and waving.
                                                            
The dancers are laughing at bennys gyrations.He has got some
original moves though-some modern variations on the
twist.Michelle takes ophelia into the lounge.
                                                            

31.

                       MICH
What is it with Chubbie checker
jnr?
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
Perhaps it's a misunderstanding.He
seems like a nice guy.I've invited
them to lunch-so we can find out
where they are at.
                                                            
                       MICH
Logistics!They are such a strange
pair O-They're probably on the
FBI's most wanted list.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
Assuming their not agents of
course.Having said that-with all
the conflict and stuff-going on
everywhere-you got to respect the
security services-whoever they
are-Police-MI5-MI6-CIA-FBI and the
rest of them.We have no idea what
people are planning have we?
                                                            
                       MICH
It's difficult to tell the
difference these days-Ok-Lets find
out the name of the Oil company
they work for-and give them a
ring.Birthdays-get their DOB's.You
can pretend to be Mystic meg-"I'd
say you're a virgo Benny-judging
from those cool dance moves-and
those shades of green clothes
you're wearing".
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
We got to look out for Stevie-and
make sure dunlop is not a
fraud.Iv'e never seen her like
this-she is really in love with
the Guy-and he seems to be very
fond and affectionate.He said he
lived in Las vegas for a while.
                                                            
                       MICH
Probably in a casino-playing
blackjack and counting cards-Las
Vegas-You ain't seen nothing yet!
                                                            
Stevie and dunlop-walking on their way to the park-laughing
and having fun-Dunlop is a Joker-a real clown though very

32.

accomplished and cultured, with a private school
education-courtesy of Mr Joplinski-with coming around
again-(simon webbe)playing in the background.In the taxi on
his way to the park-Benny sends an email from his Iphone-to
mr joplinski,and a fellow hermit simon,in southampton.Email
reads:Dunlop on his way to East park-nr University with
stevie-female teacher.On recieving this information,Simon
takes a taxi to the park-arrives and proceeds to prepare his
digital camera-with a long lens for action.
                                                            
cont'd:song. I been sitting in the darkness,but the
sunlights creeping in.Now the ice is slowly melting in my
soul and in my skin.All the good times my friend-yeah yeah
Are coming around again.
                                                            
(OPEN SESSION)
                                                            
Dinner party-sunday afternoon-evening at the flat.(Open
session).
                                                            
Dunlop suggests a sports event to settle the matter-American
Football and Baseball.Ophelia adds Cricket and Rugby.With
Dunlop on the run-so to speak-they cannot field a team that
represents the true potential of the US-Stevie and Michelle
are delighted-and fix a date.
                                                            
                       OPHELIA
You American's are going to get a
masterclass in sport-and no
charge!
                                                            
cont'd.Sports Day:Glorious summers day late september,and
stevie has been collecting all the most talented players
from schools within a 50 mile radius.Rugby stars-Future
England Cricketers-etc.
                                                            
Three days before the contest and the Americans send a scout
to the park where the UK team are going through their
paces-to check the opposition.Michelle's contacts have
alerted them to his arrival.Ophelia get's the team to behave
like a bunch of amateurs for a few hours.
                                                            
SPORTS DAY
                                                            
The bus is jammed with players and spectators making their
way to the sports day,and Dunlop and Bennie decide to travel
incognito-that is by bus-and Bennie who is a very
tubby-though surprisingly agile fellow- is having trouble
getting on the bus.(Open sesssion).
                                                            
                       BENNY
(Open session).
                                                            

33.

(Open session)The contest starts with Rugby,and the US
completely outclassed with the UK team showing their true
colours.Celebrity sports stars,musicians etc adding to the
spectacle.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Ok- listen up.Get the ball to
me-whatever it takes-just carry on
kicking the ball forward-US
style.(open session).
                                                            
Lo and behold-the tactics pay dividends-and dunlop starts
scoring try's.It's time for benny to try a conversion from
30 metres.No matter what anybody doe's the ball will not
stay upright-one of the US players,stretches himself on the
ground-with his arm out holding the ball.
                                                            
                       BENNY
No-you're no good there-you need
to be on the other side.The crowd
are sensing some time wasting
tactics-with the Americans so far
behind 44-7 and are starting to
chant.The us player hints that
benny should just do it.
                                                            
Benny shakes his head-as if to say "be it on your head"and
takes a step backwards-looks at the posts with a very
skeptical glance-and runs up and kicks the US player in the
head.There's a kind of hush -followed by howls of suppresed
laughter.
                                                            
                       BENNY
That's what I was trying to tell
him-I'm left footed.
                                                            
US team chasing Benny around the field.
                                                            
With great good fortune- the player involved had the good
sense to wear an American football helmet.
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
                                                            
The Referee appears.The coach is trying to revive the
quarter back who is looking dazed and confused.
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
Is he alright?
                                                            

34.

                       LEROY
Is He alright?Is he alright?What
do you think?-would you be alright
if that fat one-pointing at
benny-had just kicked you in the
head.
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
I suppose not.
                                                            
                       LEROY
you're darned right you suppose
not.
                                                            
The UK trainer(Rowan Atkinson)sitting on the bench with his
shoe laces undone,springs into action,with a large bucket of
water and sponge-and heads for the injured player.A few
metres from the US coach and players-he starts coughing and
trips on his untied shoelace tips the bucket-and covers the
quarter back in water.Like waking up a drunk in a western!
                                                            
The player springs up onto his feet-shakes himself dry like
a dog-and starts shadow boxing-running around in circles.
                                                            
                       LEROY
Blankety blank!%&***What did you
do that for?You darned
fool.Looking at Trainer-He's not
alright is he-what do you think?
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
I'd say he's got mental problems.
                                                            
Quarterback is throwing left and right hooks-with his back
to them and turns around and narrows his eyes andlooks at
Referee.Quarterback:Oh you would would you?
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
(Backing away)Listen Buster,we got
enough mad people around here
without you Americans giving us
gyp.
                                                            
UK trainer looks embarassed and starts treading on the
uneven surface of the grass-looking for someone -or
something to blame.
                                                            
The Quarterback is now jabbing with lefts and rights-heading
towards the Referee-who is reaching for his pocket and
produces a Red card.The crowd cheer-followed by a yellow

35.

card-(the crowd):Ole, and a pink,Ole,a
purple,Ole,green,Ole,and blue.The ref is backtracking now
and starting to run,but throws the cards into the air before
he takes off-where they are transformed into a Rainbow in
the sky(Sony pictures film clips)The quarterback is
mesmorized by the Rainbow,and everybody is looking up at the
sky-He forgets the ref-and starts singing-Red and Yellow and
Pink and Green,Purple and Orange and Blue-I can sing a
rainbow-sing a rainbow-sing a Rainbow too....
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
Half time everybody-walking around
blowing whistle.
                                                            
During the half time team talk,the referee is asked what
colour card he gave mario the Quarterback-there seems to be
some confusion.
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Referee)
Mario is on a yellow card-I had
some trouble finding the right
card in the heat of the moment.
                                                            
Open session-half time team talks.
                                                            
Second half and Dunlops coach has made some radical
changes-even coming on to play himself-whatever he has said
the team are inspired and Mario is scoring trys and kicking
everything into touch-like a man on a mission!44-7 44-12
44-23 48-29 48-36 The USA are back in the match and gaining
ground.Mario-mario-mario-is echoing around the sports
ground.
                                                            
See Computer.
                                                            
The UK team dig in and add some points to the
scoreboard-with Ophelia scoring a Try.When it comes to the
conversion-Somebody(The UK trainer) has swapped the rugby
ball for a melon-and painted it in USA colours.Ophelia
approaches and lines up the conversion kick and splodge.....
                                                            
Its 73 -68 and with only minutes left to play.The US team
have got the hang of the game at last!The ball is released
from a scrum,and passed to Ophelia-Yes,there are three women
in the UK team-a few metres from the touchline.Four big
burly players surround her-and link arms-in a circle-The US
team are trying to get the Ball-but the players around
Ophelia are protecting her.The US team are trying everything
but to no avail-Will The circle be unbroken?Ophelia crosses
over the line-to howls of protest-Referee is being chased by

36.

the entire US team -blowing his whistle- jumps on the UK
trainers back-for a piggyback around the park....
                                                            
At the ceremony to present the cup and medals-We are the
champions"-is ringing around the park....with the UK players
applauding the US team.(Open Session)followed by
"Bittersweet symphony".
                                                            
In the days that follow Southampton shops and souvenir
vendors are doing a brisk business with "I love Mario"bags.
                                                            
see computer for chase through brixton.
                                                            
Magda is on the platform of the bus-making faces at the
Police officer-dancing and singing-along to the song being
played on the bus.Baby Baby we're on a mission-Put the plug
in the socket give me all your power-when you turn me on I
can go for hours...The police officer knackered from the
chase is on his radio..trying to catch his breath.There is a
roadblock at the Registry office,they waive the wedding
party through with magda hiding on the seat.The wedding bus
is heading towards Streatham - and the bus garage- being
alerted to the situation- scramble a bus with a michelin man
driver+Conductor(Open session)
                                                            
Cont'd Pixie Lott "Kiss the stars" playing during this
sequence up to traffic lights at streatham.
                                                            
The Route master blocks the Road with a Michellin man in the
driving seat.The Wedding bus has to swerve to the other side
of the road-and continues driving on the wrong side of the
road.The michellin man in the Route master starts the
chase.Magda has persuaded the wedding team-that she's a
secret agent,and has uncovered a conspiracy to prevent their
wedding-She is on the platform of the bus watching to see if
anybody is following them when the michellin man in the
route master suddenly appears waving.The High road is a
Routemaster racing track-with the sound of sirens and the
michellin man in hot pursuit.
                                                            
Cecil happens to be in Streatham-visiting friends with his
wife.They stop at the traffic lights -his wife presses the
"wait" button-lights go from green-Amber to-they are about
to cross the road-when the wedding bus goes speeding by.The
Green man appears-The michellin man in pursuit with the
Routemaster stops at the lights reluctantly.Cecil's wife is
waving at him-Slow down-Slow down-You people are in too much
of a hurry.
                                                            
                       CECIL
(Looking at Michellin man)What is
that boombaclatt doing driving a
bus?
                                                            

37.

                       ONLOOKERS
      (Dorothy)
Do you know him?
                                                            
                       CECIL
Know him-I went to school with
him!
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Michellin man)
(Opens drivers side window)You
alright cecil-look I can't
stop-I'm chasing that wedding bus.
                                                            
The Michelin man in the Route master is joined by two police
cars-A jeep on the left-and an Astra car on the right-Both
with blue lights flashing.This would make a good image for a
poster or T-shirt.
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Dorothy)
Three,two what?
                                                            
                       ONLOOKERS
      (Dorothy)
How did you know who it was -did
you go to school in michellin man
school uniforms?
                                                            
                       CECIL
We had a hand signal at
school-3-2-1.He recognised me
first and gave me a 321.
                                                            
The delay has given Magda time to slip into a Charity shop
at Streatham-unseen.
                                                            
Stevie and dunlop are sitting on a bench-deep in
conversation-getting to know one another-and about to cross
the threshold-with Simon the photographer taking
pictures-unknown to them.He takes around a dozen snaps-and
heads for a cafe.Orders a huge cake-and coffee,and sits in a
corner-with his computer gadgets.links everything
together-presses a button- and takes a big bite of cake.
                                                            
There is a crowd heading in Dunlop's direction-with Mrs
Edwards leading the way.The Right Honourable Mr Edwards MP
has some serious connections,and they have tracked Dunlop to
Southampton.
                                                            

38.

                       MRS EDWARDS
From a distance(Pointing)That's
him officer-that's the man who
stole my hamburger.
                                                            
With Dunlop,to think is to act-Rashly-and with Mrs Edwards
in no mood for talking,he looks behind him-at the lake.There
is a boat turned upside down near the water-dunlop spins it
over-whistles to stevie,unties the rope-Dunlop and Stevie
rowing together with-whistles blowing-a clamour of
voices-dogs barking-squirrels running for trees-ducks,geese
and swans taking off to the music of Hues corporation-Rock
the boat.(Our love is like a ship on the ocean-we've been
sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion).
                                                            
Simon the steppe oil photographer is in the thick of the
action-when dunlop heads for the lake and wades into the
water-he decides to break away from the group-finds a quiet
spot-and sets up his equipment.
                                                            
Stevie Knows this park-from her nature teaching-and sports
days activities.She directs Dunlop to an Island that can
only be reached by boat.She knows a way to escape-though she
is worried about what Dunlop has done to have so many people
after him.
                                                            
                       THE AMERICAN
Check Mike.
                                                            
                       STEVIE
You seem to have a lot of
followers.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Open session.
                                                            
Benny and Mike arrive for the Dinner party in a Cab-(Open
session).
                                                            
                       BENNY
(To taxi driver)what I like about
this town-is that it's on a very
human scale.You got all the shops
and culture you need-without the
pressure of the city.
                                                            
Acre lane Brixton Kenneth k is standing on the pavement
listening to his Ma chat with a friend.They are on their way
to the market.Three of Hermann's riders-one on a massive
Honda motorbyke-and two together on a Triumph-are heading in
his direction from clapham common.He is watching their
lights in the distance as they arrive-at 70 mph on their way

39.

to Brixton recreation centre.He waves a flag as they
pass...in a roar.
                                                            
Cont'd The riders arrive at main road-take an illegal right
turn into Atlantic avenue-and drive through BR station to
The Brix Rec.One of the riders Derek-buys some fruit from a
stall-and stuffs it in his rucksack-makes his way up the
stairs to the recreation centre.
                                                            
See notes.
                                                            
Bahamas-Robbie is not sure that it's Kerry in the hired
car-and the dark sunglasses are adding to the confusion.He
phones Mike-just in case.No answer.Phones the operator-bleep
bleep bleep busy line.He turns the car around and clips a
souvenir stall-starting a domino effect-Open session-After
some very reckless driving-on a par with Dunlop-only more
intense-He arrives at the Hotel-rushes into the foyer-cannot
see mike and asks a receptionist to page him-looking around
he spots him in the corner.
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
(Is looking at Mike-though they
are separated by a screen-He
cannot see Mike jnr).Didn't you
hear me paging you-I can't be
sure-but I think I just saw Kerry
in a hire car heading in this
direction.(Kerry is standing
behind him listening ).You and Liz
had better split-you know what
that bird is like.She's gonna go
ballistic if she learns that you
are married!laying it on
thick-(Open session).
                                                            
Mike is making faces-wincing and shaking his head.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Don't-Robbie Don't!
                                                            
A tiny hand appears on the screen that separates
them-followed by another.Mike Jnr's head appears smiling- in
a Fitness first t-shirt.
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Oh No-tell me I'm
hallucinating.He's the exact image
of you and Lizzie Mike.You two
don't waste no time-I must say.
                                                            
                       KERRY
hello darling,have you missed me?
                                                            

40.

Robbie is wanted for dangerous driving-and the police have
traced him to the hotel.The receptionist pages him-owner of
car registration number******* Robbie Steppe to the
reception please.
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Hears Kerry's voice and turns
purple-That's me-I'm wanted at the
reception-turns and sees kerry!
                                                            
                       KERRY
(Kool as a cucumber)We're both
gonna be wanted by the time I'm
through with you.
                                                            
Davy and Hermann in their hotel suite in animated
conversation following the reconciliation with the UK
posse,are having to agree to disagree given that Davy has
decided to take his prodigal sons into the fold.This changes
everything,but Davy is adamant,Hermanns dirty tricks are
starting to affect his familys reputation-people are
talking-he wants to acknowledge his infidelity.Hermans
deceptions are creating profound unforseen complications-and
embarrassing situations for everybody.Hermann is "in too
deep"to admit the whole thing is a sham!
                                                            
                       DAVY
They are not bad lads Hermann-give
them a chance-You might be
surprised.
                                                            
With police sirens outside the Rec-magda and the hermits
have no choice but to go forward into the sports area.
                                                            
Brixton village -This requires a complete rethink and
rewrite.Get together with some writers and walk through the
Village.The unique atmosphere and environment need more than
just a chase through the market-(though keep these
scenes).Such a multicultural location is an opportunity for
developing the story with screenwriters from a variety of
cultures-talk to the vendors,and consider how to expand
these scenes and the story with
Chinese-African-Caribbean-Latin American and other
perspectives.
                                                            
Hermann Joplinski office texas,and a photo of stevie is
gradually emerging from a printer on the desk.Hermann is on
the phone to tadeuz.
                                                            
                       HERMANN
Now listen carefully-you offer a
reward for the lost phone-put a
sign on the wall-in the
village.500.00 reward for mobile
            (MORE)

41.

                       HERMANN (cont'd)
phone lost recently.You tell them
that our architect sent us some
plans for a building.use this
freephone number
                                                            
Robbie dressed in a chef's uniform,and covered in flour, has
been chasing the tow truck-he catches up with them at the
traffic lights.
                                                            
He is so knackered by the chase that when teddy winds the
window dowm-he can only manage to wag his finger at him,and
mutter- my car.He stands there catching his breath.
                                                            
                       TEDDY
Something wrong?
                                                            
Teddy winds the window up-and the truck drives away.
                                                            
After numerous enquiries -leading nowhere-Robbie decides to
offer a reward for information leading to the recovery of
his car.He hand paints a sign,and ties it around a tree in
brixton-in front of the library.Sign reads:500.00 reward
for information leading to the recovery of stolen Ice blue
jaguar car Ring mobile"$%&777-or meet here saturday
3pm.Robbie Steppe.
                                                            
Mike,Robbie and Rosie on a tour of Houston.They meet at The
Metro-and bump into A heavily pregnant Rebecca on her way to
the clinic.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Hi Honey-are you gonna give birth
on The metro or what-he smiles and
introduces Rebecca to Rosie.This
is my sister Rebecca Rosie(Rosie
Grins-she's heard the rumours)I
mean step sister-or whatever you
call it.(Open session)
                                                            
                       REBBECA
Good morning-hesitantly-aren't you
the oil man Davy Steppes
daughter?Rosie in her spectacles
leans forward to take a closer
look at her
                                                            
                       ROBBIE
Robbie changes the subject-and
Rosie leads the way into The
metro-they obtain passes and make
their way to the platform.
                                                            

42.

Five vacant seats on the train-Mike,Robbie and Rosie are
seated- and are expecting Rebecca (walking slowly behind
them to follow on when a Hassidic youngster and his Gran
dad-sit down in the vacant seats.Robbie is about to offer
his seat to her when Mike points to his knee-she sits on his
lap.Stares from passengers-and when Mike opens his legs-she
falls through and it takes nearly half a dozen passengers to
rescue her.(open Session)Robbie is entertaining the Hassidic
youngster with a miniature puppet on a string-with Granddad
and some passengers smiling.Mike is providing a humourous
song for commentary.(Open session).
                                                            
Robbie is the son Rosie always
wanted-courteous-considerate,etc,etc,Mike is more like the
son she got-unreliable,selfish,unpredictable, etc etc- and
so when Robbie invites Rosie and her Family and American
friends to london, Buckingham Palace-Houses of
Parliament-Brixton village-Market Row + will never be the
same.(Open session).
                                                            
See computer Lizzie and Mike Cont'd.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Rickshaw Ronnie and his
Mrs,together with some of his
Chinese friends are on the
case-and he's even got an advisor
to The Chinese Imperial court on
board-so hermann is going to know
the difference between sweet and
sour by the time they are through
with him!
                                                            
                       LIZ.
Are you really Davy steppes son
Micky?
                                                            
                       MIKE
There are three of us-two sons and
a daughter.You've met
Robbie-Cordelia our sister is a
designer.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
we're you triplets?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Of course not -we we're born over
the course of twenty years or so.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
Where did your parents meet?
                                                            

43.

                       MIKE
At The Whitehouse.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
Gosh that's impressive.All the
Presidents men eh.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Not that Whitehouse-The Whitehouse
Hotel in London,England.Our Ma was
helping with a Major fashion show
at designers week-and their affair
started there.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
That's awesome-anything's possible
with you Micky.How is it that Mr
steppe is giving you such a hard
time-He seems like a nice guy.
                                                            
                       MIKE
That's hermanns doing-they go back
a long way-to when Hermann and his
heavy Political connections saved
Steppe oil from disaster when a
takeover bid went pear shaped -and
Davy nearly went broke.Mr
Joplinski was very nearly a
Senator.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
He know's some heavy Dudes...and
some heavy women!
                                                            
                       MIKE
He is a Heavy Dude-Hermann is what
you might call larger than life!
                                                            
                       LIZ.
What is Rickshaw Ronnie planning?
                                                            
                       MIKE
Now you sound like one of
Hermann's hermits Liz-Ronnie says
not to discuss it anywhere except
the wide open spaces-and than in
whispers-walls have ears... and
even eyes, mouths and noses
sometimes .You're not one of them
are you?
                                                            

44.

                       LIZ.
Liz smiles-I don't think so-who
are they exactly?Sounds like a 60s
band from swinging London.
                                                            
                       MIKE
Don't you start-that's the last
thing I need-A Hermit on my case!
                                                            
Lizzie is a mysterious Heiress-though she's not one of
Hermanns hermits.Now it's Lizzie's turn to change the
subject.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
Island hopping around The
Caribbean sounds like fun Micky-St
Lucia-Jamaica-Antiqua-Martinque-you
name it-I'm up for it.
                                                            
                       MIKE
OK-We can get a Caribbean travel
pass-and fly wherever we
want-whenever we want-and stay in
some of the most beautiful
locations in the whole wide world
for our Honeymoon.
                                                            
                       LIZ.
I wish for the Fun to
commence!!!Make it so Mr
Tambourine man.
                                                            
Lizzy reaches for a Guitar in a corner-strums a few
chords-and launches into Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song
for me....Mike joins her on keyboards-The two of them sound
good together.The door is open and (A famous musician is
looking around the room smiling Mike waves him in).He has an
electric guitar and mini battered fender Amp-Plugs in an
adds to the harmonies.These three are joined by another
famous female-Lizzy welcomes her!
                                                            
Wimbledon Tennis.
                                                            
Two players arrive on centre court for the Mens final-amid
cheers and applause-and proceed to warm up.&*^&* starts to
practice his serve-while Fu is juggling his tennis Racket
together with three balls-and various other pranks.The crowd
are laughing and smiling,though His Chinese trainer is
wagging his finger at him!(open session)
                                                            

45.

During breaks between games Fu is eating strawberries and
cream-and washing it down with Pimms-actually it's just
water-though he is drinking straight from a huge bottle of
Pimms.He pretends to be drunk-(Open session).
                                                            
Remember visual comedy is as important as words!Dont get
hung up on words-you might see funny situations easily.
                                                            
Davy Steppe has decided to reward Jay for his quick thinking
and actions with respect to rescuing Trevor from The Pool.He
is giving him .......Steppe Oil Shares.He decides to talk it
over with Trevor and Hermann-to set the exact amount.
                                                            
Davy,Trevor and Hermann together in library-late afternoon.
                                                            
                       DAVY
Hermann,Iv'e decided to give Jay
some Steppe Oil Shares-for his
part in saving Private Trevor.
                                                            
                       HERMANN
Are you sure?Steppe Oil shares
will make him a rich man-how do
you know he won't leave you?
                                                            
                       DAVY
Loyalty has to be rewarded
Hermann-looking at Trevor-You've
got a lot to learn about people
management skills Trevor-I expect
you to find a suitable gift for a
man of Character and courage-You
can go into town tomorrow and
choose something.Nothing over the
top-Don't embarrass me!(open
session).
                                                            
                       HERMANN
How many shares did you have in
mind?
                                                            
                       DAVY
Trevor is only still here due to
Jays quick thinking,if we make him
wealthy,there is nothing wrong
with it.
                                                            
                       HERMANN
Will you wait until he retires?
                                                            
                       DAVY
Looking at Hermann seriously:Give
the man a chance to put some
financial security in place for
            (MORE)

46.

                       DAVY (cont'd)
his family Hermann.He has saved
our butts more times then I care
to remember.While you're at it
Trevor,don't forget his
assistants.
                                                            
Early next morning,Trevor visits town to do some
shopping.First stop Rolex.The sales associate
smiles,everybody has heard of Jays heroism,it's the talk of
the town.(Open session).
                                                            
The Apple store is busy and doing brisk business when Trevor
arrives.A top of the range laptop should be a welcome
addition to the family.(Open session).
                                                            
After showing the gifts to Davy,and obtaining his
approval,and with Hermann wise cracking and making fun of
the whole enterprise,(open Session) Trevor heads over to
Jays residence-it's getting late-parks the Mustang outside
and rings the bell.A gorgeous female around 25 opens the
door.(Open session)
                                                            
O last met Trevor over Ten years ago,at a Steppe Garden
party,they had a lot of fun together.Trevor:Oh Hi,is that
you O?God you've grown up.O:Trevor steppe,what are you doing
here?They are both finding it difficult to be coherent and
make sense.Trevor:Iv'e got a er, gift for Jay,I just wanted
to thank him for what he did.O:He's at er ,Church,wednesday
Bible study.Trevor:OK.I'll just leave this with you for
him,nothing fancy,it's just a laptop,probably be useful for
his work.O accepting the present-thanks Trevor (Open
session) she could have a very funny,engaging and original
sense of humour.
                                                            


FADE OUT.


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