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Average Joe
by nathan illsley (nillsley@comcast.net)

Rated: R   Genre: Comedy   User Review:
NOT YET
RATED

After Joe Anderson finds out that his girlfriend has been cheating on him, his three best friends take him on a road trip to UMASS Amherst to take his mind of off his ex. A gross out teen comedy in the tradition of Superbad.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. STONEHILL COLLEGE - DAY
                                                            
The camera pans across the campus. The sun is shining and it
is a beautiful Spring day. People are walking between
classes, studying on the quad, throwing frisbees, ect.
                                                            
 
EXT. BENAGLIA HALL - DAY
                                                            
Benaglia is a typical dorm from the outside. Several
students walk out the front door.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Sitting in common room are three boys.

NATE, 18 or 19, is very tall, wearing cargo shorts, and a
t-shirt. He has fairly short hair and sits with his legs
spread.

Gerry is also 18 or 19, short, darker skinned, long mush
cut, wearing fairly tight jeans and a graphic Express-style
t-shirt.

Dan is 19, sitting in white cargo shorts, and a grey
sweatshirt. He has a buzz cut.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's the difference between a
pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't have a Ferrari in my
garage.
                                                            
                       DAN
How do you fit 10 dead babies into
a bucket?
                                                            
                       NATE
How?
                                                            
                       DAN
A blender. How do you get them
out?
                                                            

2.

                       GERRY
How?
                                                            
                       DAN
Tostitos.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What's worse then ten dead babies
nailed to a tree?
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       GERRY
One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
                                                            
                       DAN
I seriously can't wait to have a
kid. I want to be the best dad
possible. Like so many dads today
don't get involved with their kids
lives. They just sit around the
house and watch TV and eat junk
food while their kids wander
around and eat lead paint and play
with mousetraps. I just wanna be
the dad that takes them to the
beach, and coaches their baseball
team, and shows them how to ride a
bike...
                                                            
                       NATE
      (interrupts)
Dude what the fuck are you talking
about?
                                                            
                       DAN
You're really gonna sit there and
tell me parenting hasn't ever
crossed your mind?
                                                            
                       NATE
Not once.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Never.
                                                            
                       DAN
It's all I think about man. Like I
have to plan this type of thing
out now. I might never get around
to it later. Sometimes life throws
you a curve ball, ya know?
                                                            

3.

                       NATE
No, I literally have no idea what
that mean.
                                                            
                       GERRY
If you use condoms you have less
of a chance of getting thrown a
curve ball. They prevent against
STD's too.
                                                            
JOE enters the room. He has a backpack on and just came from
class. He is roughly the same age and wears jeans, a blue
polo and grey undershirt, a blue Red Sox hat, and work
boots.
                                                            
                       JOE
What's up guys?
                                                            
                       NATE
At this point I have no idea.
Somehow dead baby jokes just
turned to a conversation on
parenting.
                                                            
                       DAN
Would you rather be the baseball
coach dad or the potato chip
eating TV watching dad?
                                                            
Joe scoffs and looks to Gerry and Nate for clarification.
                                                            
                       JOE
Is he serious right now?
                                                            
                       DAN
You guys are seriously so simple
minded. Have fun when your kids
resent you.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Sit down Joe, there's always room
for one more at coffee talk.
                                                            
                       JOE
Nah, I can't. I'm going to have
lunch with Laura. She said she has
something big to tell me.
                                                            
Gerry and Nate cough as they swear about Laura.
                                                            
                       NATE
Bitch!
                                                            

4.

                       GERRY
Slut!
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys can blow me.
                                                            
                       DAN
She's probably pregnant. You know
you laugh now but in nine months
you'll be wishing you had the
parenting talk with me. See if I'm
willing to have it then. I don't
forget shit like this.
                                                            
                       JOE
She's not pregnant dick.
                                                            
                       NATE
Why not? Trouble in the bedroom?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Go have lunch with whore face
before she chops your balls off
for being late.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll be sure to give her your
regards.
                                                            
                       DAN
Why do you date that girl man? She
sucks so bad.
                                                            
                       NATE
Probably her winning personality.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Well to be fair strippers have to
be friendly or else they'd lose
money.
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys don't know her like I do.
She's seriously an amazing girl
and she'd stick with me through
anything.
                                                            
 
INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Joe and LAURA sit at a lunch table. Laura is around the same
age as Joe and clearly thinks too highly of herself. The
entire way she carries herself suggests an arrogant

5.

personality and overall tone of condescension.

She is wearing right jeans, black Uggs, and a black tank
top.
                                                            
                       LAURA
I think we should break up.
                                                            
Joe looks up from his food in utter shock.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       LAURA
I don't think I can do this
anymore.
                                                            
                       JOE
What can't you do?
                                                            
                       LAURA
It's just that, I don't know, with
us going abroad to different
countries we wont be able to stay
in touch and we'd fade apart. It'd
be much harder than if we just
broke up now.
                                                            
Joe speaks frantically and moves his hands accordingly.
                                                            
                       JOE
Wha... Lau... I'll change it.
I'll, I'll go to Italy to be near
you. I don't care what I have to
do I'll do it.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe it's more than just that.
                                                            
                       JOE
What is it then? I don't get it!
Is there someone else?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, come on, of course not.
                                                            
                       JOE
Then what else is it?
                                                            
                       JOE
Joe... You're a great guy Joe.
You're good looking, you're smart,
you know how to treat a girl,
you're an amazing boyfriend...
            (MORE)

6.

                       JOE (cont'd)
you're seriously everything I
could ask for.
                                                            
Joe pauses for a moment, confused.
                                                            
                       JOE
So you think I'm perfect but you
want to break up?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, please don't make this any
harder than it has to be.
                                                            
                       JOE
Who is it?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe...
                                                            
                       JOE
I have the fucking right to know!
                                                            
Joe slams his hands on the table.

A beat.
                                                            
                       LAURA
You don't need to know.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't fucking believe this, is
it Barry?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, come on.
                                                            
                       JOE
Then who? Is it Jay? It's Jay
isn't it?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Stop it!
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't talk to me like that. You're
gonna sit here and tell me you're
leaving me for someone else and
then you expect me not to ask who
it is? Are you fucking kidding
me!?
                                                            

7.

A beat.

Laura looks to the side and speaks under her breath.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Mitch.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
She looks him directly in the eyes.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Mitch!
                                                            
                       JOE
Mitch?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JOE
Mitch "the bitch" Fitzgibbons?
                                                            
                       LAURA
He's not a bitch.
                                                            
                       JOE
Oh he is too a bitch Laura. He is
the textbook fucking definition of
a bitch. He got homesick at
orientation and hid inside a
goddamn washing machine.
                                                            
                       LAURA
Orientation is a rough transition
for a lot of people.
                                                            
                       JOE
What about when he screamed and
ran because he saw the albino
squirrel?
                                                            
                       LAURA
He's... a nice guy.
                                                            
                       JOE
No he's not, he's a scrawny little
bitch and he looks like a lesbian.
He has a fucking blonde mohawk!
                                                            

8.

                       LAURA
I'm sorry Joe... I didn't want it
to happen like this.
                                                            
Joe gets progressively more angry and flustered.
                                                            
                       JOE
How the fuck did you want it to
happen then!? Did you want me to
walk in on you getting jack
hammered by Mitch the Bitch!?
                                                            
                       LAURA
Joe, I'm sorry. It's over.
                                                            
Joe stands up and begins to walk away. After several steps
he walks back.
                                                            
                       JOE
Have fun with Hillary Clinton,
Laura. I hope he doesn't break
down and cry when he sees you
without makeup.
                                                            
He turns around and storms out.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Dan, Gerry, and Nate are all still sitting where they were
when Joe left.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's the difference between a
dead baby and a watermelon?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
One you hit with a hammer, the
other is a watermelon. Hey joe!
                                                            
Nate looks up at Joe who walks into the common room.
                                                            
                       DAN
That was a quick lunch. What, did
they run out of souls for her to
eat or something?
                                                            
                       JOE
Fuck you!
                                                            

9.

Nate, Gerry, and Dan look at each other in shock at Joe's
tone.
                                                            
                       NATE
Whoa, what happened?
                                                            
                       JOE
Laura fucking dumped me... for
Mitch Fitzgibbons.
                                                            
Joe slams down onto a chair.

Several moments pass in silence until Dan laughs to himself.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait, what, are you serious?
                                                            
Nate punches Dan in the arm.
                                                            
                       NATE
      (quietly)
Dude!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Mitch the Bitch?
                                                            
                       JOE
What the fuck!? How did this
happen!? I was the best boyfriend
in the world.
                                                            
A bedroom door opens and BRIAN enters the room. He is 19
years old, wearing khaki pants, a brown striped sweater,
bobbing up and down as he walks. He has blonde hair that is
incredibly curly and messy, and he wears think eyeglasses.
He speaks with a slight lisp. He has a lanyard around his
neck that he is holding onto for dear life. He is
potentially the most awkward human alive.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Hey guys, how you doing?
                                                            
Joe looks up angrily.
                                                            
                       JOE
Well Brian, how the hell does is
look like I'm doing?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What the heck happened!?
                                                            
                       NATE
Laura broke up with him.
                                                            

10.

                       BRIAN
Who the heck is Laura?
                                                            
                       NATE
His girlfriend, Brian.
                                                            
Brian scoffs.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Not anymore I guess. Joe you need
to move on, ok? What the heck do
you want with a girl like her
anyways?
                                                            
                       JOE
Brian, you don't even know her.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Let me tell you something. I know
plenty of women. I am great with
the women. And this one (laughs)
doesn't seem like a catch. She
seemsÖ
                                                            
Joe stands up and walks towards his room.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (interrupts)
Well, I can't even begin to handle
you right now, Brian, so I'm going
in my room.
                                                            
Joe slams his door.
                                                            
Brian bursts out laughing.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
It looks like somebody needs a
good nights sleep!
                                                            
                       NATE
      (to himself)
Looks like somebody needs to be
euthanized.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
Dan, Gerry, and Nate stand up and walk towards Nate's room.
Brian stands up a moment later and follows suit.
                                                            

11.

                       GERRY
We need to cheer him up somehow.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah but how?
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Well, I think the best thing...
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Nate slam the door behind them before Brian
can enter.

Brian turns around and bobs out of frame.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
They all continue on as if nothing just happened.
                                                            
                       GERRY
We need to get his mind off her.
He needs to forget about that
bitch.
                                                            
                       DAN
I can't believe she screwed him
over like that.
                                                            
                       NATE
I can. We need to get him hammered
this weekend and find him a
rebound girl.
                                                            
                       DAN
Nah, you know he wont go for that.
He's probably not even gonna go
out this weekend.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Even if he does go out he's gonna
run into Laura and then get upset.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
What if we went to a different
school?
                                                            
                       DAN
What for?
                                                            

12.

                       NATE
We need to get him far away from
anything that has to do with her.
If we go someplace else it's like
a new world. Fresh campus, fresh
girls, fresh stories... no Laura.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You could be right dude. I mean he
always tells us all the stupid
shit that reminds him of her.
There isn't a place on this campus
that isn't gonna depress him.
                                                            
                       DAN
You know how he gets when he's
drunk too. He always gets
sentimental and tells us he loves
us. If that turns into being sad
he'll lose it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
So where should we go?
                                                            
                       NATE
Well where hasn't he been?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I don't think he's been anywhere
since he's been dating her.
                                                            
                       DAN
We need a party school. He doesn't
need anything timid.
                                                            
                       NATE
Let's face it, we need someplace
the girls are jonesin' for a
bonesin'.
                                                            
                       GERRY
So we need someplace with hot,
drunk, girls.
                                                            
A beat.

Gerry and Nate speak in unison.
                                                            
                       NATE
UMASS.
                                                            
                       GERRY
UMASS.
                                                            

13.

Dan acts disgusted.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait, wait, wait. So the plan is
to get our extremely depressed
friend belligerently drunk, bring
him to someplace he isn't familiar
with, take him to parties with
people he doesn't know, try to get
him to meet girls who probably
have herpes, and then get him to
hook up with these girls?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Absolutely.
                                                            
Dans disgusted face turns to a mischievous smile.
                                                            
                       DAN
Fuckin' A baby. But do you think
HE'LL go for it?
                                                            
                       NATE
Doesn't matter, we'll make him.
                                                            
Gerry drops his cell phone on the floor. Nate picks it up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Go ahead, try to look through it.
It has a finger print lock.
                                                            
                       DAN
Seriously?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah when you turn it on the first
time it has you press all four
corners and then the center to
scan your fingerprints. Top notch
security.
                                                            
                       NATE
No, that just calibrates the touch
screen.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (sarcastically)
Yeah, okay.
                                                            
 

14.

INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Gerry and Nate's door opens and the three guys walk out.
They walk directly across the hall to Joe and Dan's room,
ignoring Brian who is still standing there.

Brian walks towards the guys.

Nate knocks on the door.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey Joe?
                                                            
Nate opens the door and walks into Joe's room with Dan and
Gerry. They slam the door on Brian right as he gets to them,
just as they had before. Brian again bobs out of frame.
                                                            
 
INT. JOE AND DANíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Joe is lying in bed with the windows closed, crying. Nate
flips on a light and Gerry and Dan each open a window.
                                                            
                       NATE
You alright man?
                                                            
                       JOE
She destroyed me man. She cheated
on me and she brought me down as
low as I could be.
                                                            
                       DAN
She's a bitch. That's what bitches
do.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I know you're not in the mood to
talk about anything else right now
but I think we have an idea to
cheer you up.
                                                            
                       JOE
What's that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
We wanna take you out this
weekend, bro. Not like usual
though. Usually we all do our own
thing by the end of the night, but
this time it's all about you.
                                                            

15.

                       NATE
We think if you just went out and
had fun this weekend and didn't
think about that Nazi of an
ex-girlfriend you'd feel better.
                                                            
Joe shakes his head negatively.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't see them together dude.
I'll fucking lose my mind if I see
them out together.
                                                            
                       DAN
We figured that, so we wanna take
you somewhere else.
                                                            
                       JOE
Where?
                                                            
                       GERRY
UMASS.
                                                            
                       NATE
Think about it man. It'd just be
us going out and having fun in a
different environment. Nobody
knows us there, nobody is gonna
judge you or ask about your
relationship. Mitch "the bitch"
sure as hell isn't gonna be there.
                                                            
                       DAN
It'd just be the guys having a
good time.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You could probably get a beej from
some random girl too.
                                                            
Nate punches Gerry in the arm.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know. I don't think I
should go out this weekend. You
guys go. I'd rather just stay here
in case Laura calls me or
anything. She's probably gonna
want me back when she realizes
what a bitch he really is.
                                                            
Nate smiles, nods his head, reaches over to Joe's desk, and
picks up his chap stick.
                                                            

16.

                       NATE
Okay, how about this, either you
agree to come with us or I shove
your chap stick up your ass.
                                                            
Joe sniffles and laughs a little.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
That's my final deal.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're not gonna put chap stick up
my ass.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hold him.
                                                            
Dan and Gerry both immediately hold Joe down to the bed and
they all laugh.
                                                            
                       NATE
You coming with us this weekend?
                                                            
                       JOE
No!
                                                            
Nate pokes Joe with the chap stick.
                                                            
                       NATE
This is gonna hurt Joe!
                                                            
                       JOE
Fine!
                                                            
Joe stops squirming.
                                                            
                       DAN
You have some fight in you for
such a pussy!
                                                            
                       JOE
Maybe you guys are right. Maybe I
hafta get away from this shit.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
      (from outside)
What the heck are you guys doing
in there?
                                                            

17.

                       NATE
Dear God.
                                                            
Nate puts his head in his hands.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Gerry, and Dan sit in the room and Nate has cell phone
to his ear.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
CHAD sits in his room at UMASS playing Bloons on his laptop.
He is 18 or 19 years old, fairly short haircut underneath a
Bruins hat. He is an average build and has the beginnings of
a beard.

Chad's cell phone rings with the ring tone "Evacuate the
Dancefloor" by Cascada.

Behind him we can see posters of girls in bathing suits, The
Bruins, The Celtics, and Bob Marley. Another boy, FRANK,
sits in the background at a keyboard facing the opposite
direction.

Chad looks at the phone and see's "Nate Cell" calling. He
puts the phone up to his ear and continues to play on the
computer as he speaks.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hey, what's good man?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey what's up man, I have a huge
favor to ask.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, no worries, what is it?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
I feel really bad asking but can
me and three other guys from
Stonehill come up this weekend? My
            (MORE)

18.

                       NATE (cont'd)
buddy Joe just got dumped for this
Peewee Hermanish dude and he
really needs to get of campus or
he's gonna lose his mind.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Chad looses the round in Bloons.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Shit! Um, yeah that should be
fine. What night were you
thinking?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Doesn't matter, whatever night for
is better for you is fine with us.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Chad loses the same round of Bloons again.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Mother fucker!
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
We can just find someplace else to
go if its a big deal.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
No no, it's not you... it's this
fuckin' monkey.
                                                            
Chad slams his laptop closed.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate looks confused.
                                                            

19.

                       NATE
What?
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Nothing. Umm yeah, I think if you
guys wanted to come up on Friday
it'd be cool. I have to check with
my roommate but he shouldn't have
a problem.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You sure he'll be cool with it?
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hold on, I'll ask him.
                                                            
Chad puts the phone against his chest and yells to Frank
without even turning around.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Frank! Four kids you don't know
are staying in our room Friday
night. Find someplace else to
fucking sleep!
                                                            
Chad puts the phone back up to his head and resumes talking
calmly as he had before.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, he's completely fine with
it.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Shit man I owe you. I really
appreciate this. What time should
we come up?
                                                            
 

20.

INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
I don't know, if you guys got here
at like 7 or so that'd be good.
The frats don't really start until
later, so we could pregame here
for a little first.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah absolutely, that's fine with
us.
                                                            
Gerry nudges Nate.
                                                            
                       GERRY
The sluts! Make sure to ask about
the sluts.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh right. Chad, do you have any
horny friends?
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, a ton.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You think any of them would hook
up with my buddy Joe?
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
No.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Seriously? How do you know?
                                                            
 

21.

INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
All my friends are guys.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You know what I mean dick, do you
have any horny friends that are
girls?
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
Don't worry about man. We'll hit
up the frats and find a shit load
of girls for him to pick from.
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You getting many girls?
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Right, so I'll see you guys Friday
then?
                                                            
 
INT. GERRY AND NATEíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright... Friday it is. Thanks
again man.
                                                            
Nate hangs up the phone.
                                                            
                       DAN
We good?
                                                            
                       NATE
We're all set.
                                                            
 

22.

INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Joe, Gerry, and Dan all drive in Nate's car.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm pumped for Friday. I haven't
been up there yet.
                                                            
                       DAN
So what exactly is the plan?
                                                            
                       NATE
Chad said we can pregame in his
dorm for a little bit and then
head to the frats after.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (in Jamaican
       accent)
We gone be slayin' mad beethches!
                                                            
                       DAN
Right.
                                                            
The car pulls into a CVS parking lot and they all exit the
car.
                                                            
 
EXT. CVS PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
                       NATE
You guys head inside, I have to
mail this letter next door really
quick.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'll go with you. I don't need
anything inside.
                                                            
                       DAN
Who's the letter to?
                                                            
                       NATE
Gramie, of course.
                                                            
Joe and Nate walk through the parking lot. Dan and Gerry
head inside CVS.
                                                            
                       JOE
You know there's no stamp on that
right?
                                                            

23.

                       NATE
Yeah it's fine, I just put her
address as the return address and
don't put a stamp on it and then
when they "return" it to the
sender it just goes to her. Free
postage.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're a genius... and you're
committing mail fraud.
                                                            
 
INT. CVS - DAY
                                                            
Gerry and Dan walk through a random aisle.
                                                            
                       DAN
So what do you think about Joe?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       DAN
You think he's gonna be alright?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Who the hell knows, man. I think
he's a lot better without that
ugly whore. Whether he agrees with
me or not is yet to be seen. I
think he's probably going to be
depressed for a little bit, but
it's nothing he won't get out of.
                                                            
                       DAN
What about this weekend? You think
he'll go for a girl?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Honestly? I think that Katy Perry
could be standing naked in a tub
of KY with the words "do me Joe
Anderson" written on her tits and
he wouldn't even notice. I mean I
might be wrong but I don't think
he's really ready to play the
field yet.
                                                            
                       DAN
I don't know. Maybe he'll be
better when he actually sees the
girls up there.
                                                            

24.

A CVS EMPLOYEE approaches Dan and Gerry.
                                                            
                       CVS EMPLOYEE
Can I help you guys find anything?
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, do you guys sell Will Smith
memorabilia?
                                                            
 
EXT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Joe, Dan, Gerry, and Nate all walk outside the cafe.

A bike cop rides by them.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't get why we have bike cops.
It's such a waste of money.
                                                            
                       NATE
You know a friend of mine back
home got arrested by a bike cop?
                                                            
                       GERRY
How did that happen?
                                                            
                       NATE
He was smoking pot behind the
movie theatre in my town and the
bike cop pulled up and caught him.
                                                            
                       DAN
Why didn't he just run or
something?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, he was high, he
thought it was funny. He kept
asking the cop to peg him.
                                                            
                       JOE
So how'd they get him back to the
station?
                                                            
                       NATE
The cop told him they had donuts
for him there.
                                                            
                       DAN
Your friend may or may not have
been retarded too, man.
                                                            
 

25.

INT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Joe sit at a table. Nate approaches carrying
his tray of food and sits with them.

Gerry, Dan, and Joe all have some sort of pasta dish and
Nate has a wrap.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What is that?
                                                            
Gerry points to Nate's wrap.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hummus wrap.
                                                            
Joe shakes his head disapprovingly.
                                                            
                       JOE
Really?
                                                            
                       NATE
What's wrong with that?
                                                            
                       DAN
There's nothing wrong with a grown
man eating hummus for dinner,
except for everything.
                                                            
                       JOE
It's just that it looks like
something you'd find in a used
baby diaper. And it tastes...
                                                            
Joe double takes and notices Laura and MITCH feeding ice
cream to each other at another table. Mitch is scrawny, has
bleach blonde hair cut into a mohawk, and he wears clothes
that are way too tight for his own good, including a leather
jacket.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, don't watch that.
                                                            
Joe quickly cleans up his tray, clearly upset, and stands up
from the table.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't fucking watch this shit.
I'll see you guys back at
Benaglia.
                                                            
Joe hurriedly leaves the cafe.
                                                            

26.

                       NATE
Goddammit, that's the last fucking
thing he needed to see.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Look at that kid. He's such a
boner, I can't believe she left
Joe for that.
                                                            
                       NATE
He needs to be killed.
                                                            
                       DAN
Or neutered at least.
                                                            
                       GERRY
This whole situation is so fucked.
Joe treated her like gold and she
left him for an anorexic Danny
Zuko.
                                                            
Laura looks down to go through her pocket book and when she
does, Mitch quickly picks his nose and eats it.
                                                            
Nate stands up, points at Mitch, and screams so that the
whole cafeteria can probably hear him.
                                                            
                       NATE
DUDE! MITCH THE BITCH JUST FUCKING
ATE HIS OWN BOOGERS!
                                                            
 
EXT. CAFETERIA - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Gerry, and Dan walk away from the cafeteria.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I still say that song is about an
orgasm.
                                                            
                       DAN
That makes literally no sense. I
don't know where you got that
from, Bohemian Rhapsody is not
about sex at all.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Agree to disagree man.
                                                            
                       NATE
Wait.
                                                            
Nate abruptly stops walking.
                                                            

27.

                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
We don't have any booze for this
weekend.
                                                            
                       DAN
I thought you had a bunch left
over.
                                                            
                       NATE
Left over from what?
                                                            
                       DAN
Gerry told me you guys had a huge
party when I went home last
weekend.
                                                            
                       NATE
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh yeah, no, I made that up. But,
anyways, we should...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
Yeah, he said that you ended up
getting sick and puking all night
and that he hooked up with Chelsea
while you were in the bathroom
getting sick.
                                                            
                       GERRY
We need to focus on this right
now.
                                                            
                       NATE
You little shit head. That didn't
happen at all. Gerry got drunk and
texted her literally saying, "hey
baby, you're hotter than the sun."
                                                            
                       GERRY
I think the subject at hand...
                                                            
                       NATE
      (interrupts)
Then when she didn't respond he
went down to her room and slammed
on the door at like 2 in the
morning.
                                                            

28.

                       GERRY
Can we just...
                                                            
                       NATE
      (interrupts)
The door opens and theres this
huge ass football player standing
there. Gerry goes "WHO THE FUCK
ARE YOU" and the dude immediately
punches him in the stomach and he
pukes all over Chelsea's room.
                                                            
Dan laughs hysterically.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're such a little bitch dude!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Great. That's awesome man. Thanks
a lot. Trout's out of the barrel.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Thanks for telling everyone man.
                                                            
                       DAN
You lied you dick! That's what you
get!
                                                            
                       GERRY
He still didn't have to tell
everyone!
                                                            
                       NATE
Who is this everyone that you keep
referring to? I don't know what
you mean. I only told one person.
                                                            
Gerry drops his arms to his side and storms off.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Nate sit in the common room brainstorming.
                                                            
                       DAN
We could try to bum it off people
when we get there?
                                                            

29.

                       NATE
That only works if you have double
D's and a miniskirt. Which we do
not.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Can't we juts get some from one of
our friends here?
                                                            
                       DAN
If you can find someone be my
guest, but our friends hold onto
their booze like it's a new born
baby. Well not literally. Well,
actually I don't know, parents
today don't care as much as they
should. Like how many times have
you heard on the news about an
infant being locked in a car
during the summer?
                                                            
                       NATE
Why do you keep doing this?
                                                            
                       DAN
Doing what?
                                                            
Nate is frazzled.
                                                            
                       NATE
You keep going off on these
tangents about parenting and kids
and... fuck it, never mind. Um, we
could borrow it from somebody?
                                                            
                       GERRY
And how do you plan on giving it
back once we drink it?
                                                            
Brian bobs into the room.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
I assume none of you are twenty
one?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Can't do this right now.
                                                            
Gerry shakes his head, stands up, and walks into his room.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Well as I'm sure you know, the
possession of alcohol by a minor,
i.e. someone under 21, i.e. YOU,
            (MORE)

30.

                       BRIAN (cont'd)
is illegal in the United States.
It can be punishable by jail time
or a fine and in some cases death.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, what are you talking about?
                                                            
Brian snickers.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Providing alcohol to a minor is
also punishable by law. I better
never catch you guys drinking in
here because I will report you.
This is college. I pay good money
and my money doesn't go towards
watching you stumble up and down
the stairs trying to walk off a
drunken stupor at two in the
morning. You should be focusing on
your academics and your lungs...
because they WILL deteriorate.
                                                            
                       NATE
My liver.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       NATE
My liver is going to deteriorate.
Not my lungs. Alcohol has no
effect on the lungs.
                                                            
Brian quickly answers back.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes it does.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
No... it honestly doesn't.
                                                            
Brian answers quickly again.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes it does.
                                                            
                       NATE
Brian I promise you, they are not
connected at all.
                                                            

31.

Brian shoots right back for the third time.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Yes they are.
                                                            
Gerry re-enters the room and sits down.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright, well, I think we should
talk about sex now.
                                                            
Brian stands up and put his fingers in his ears.
                                                            
                       BRIAN
Not a conversation for Christian
ears!
                                                            
He walks into his room and slams the door.
                                                            
                       NATE
That literally works every time.
                                                            
                       DAN
So while you were jacking it in
the room we narrowed it down to
trying to buy it ourselves,
hey mister-ing someone, or buying
from an upperclassman.
                                                            
                       NATE
Did I ever tell you about the
first time I drank?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh, God.
                                                            
                       DAN
Here we go.
                                                            
                       NATE
So it was my junior year and a
bunch of us were drinking at my
friend Kim's house. Her mom was
home but she was upstairs and
asleepÖ whatever. So I didn't have
any booze of my own so my friend
made me a couple of drinks. It was
like sprite and vermouth, which is
like a cooking wine or something.
So I chugged three cups in like 10
minutes and then I puked
EVERYWHERE. Later in the night Kim
started singing that song Misery
Business by Paramore really loud
            (MORE)

32.

                       NATE (cont'd)
at like one in the morning and her
mom woke up and came down and saw
that Kim had vodka in this big
pink cup and she flipped on us.
                                                            
A few moments of silence pass.
                                                            
                       GERRY
And?
                                                            
                       NATE
And what? That's it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's it?
                                                            
                       DAN
Why do you tell stories like that?
                                                            
                       NATE
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       DAN
My friendship with you is honestly
worth ending to not hear your
fucking stories anymore.
                                                            
 
EXT. SHOVEL SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Joe, Gerry, and Dan sit in Nate's car outside a liquor
store called Shovel Shop.

An average looking middle aged MAN walks past their car
towards the store.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey mister!
                                                            
The guy stops and pauses.
                                                            
                       MAN
Yeah?
                                                            
                       NATE
Are you heading into the liquor
store?
                                                            
                       MAN
Where else would I be going?
                                                            

33.

                       NATE
Could you do us a huge favor
and...
                                                            
                       MAN
      (interrupts)
No.
                                                            
He immediately walks away.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Good work.
                                                            
                       JOE
Here comes another guy.
                                                            
Another average looking middle aged GUY walks past their
car.
                                                            
                       DAN
Excuse me sir?
                                                            
                       GUY
Fuck off.
                                                            
                       DAN
Very good, thank you sir.
                                                            
A third guy walks past the car. The TRUCKER has a pony tail
down his back, hasn't shaved in days, wears a mesh trucker
hat, has a cutoff red plaid shirt, and pauses several times
to spit out his chewing tobacco as he walks. He has a deep
gruff voice and speaks like a stereotypical hillbilly.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Excuse me.
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
Yeah?
                                                            
                       GERRY
We don't mean to bother you but...
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
You want me to buy you booze?
                                                            
A beat where Gerry is caught off guard.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Do you mind?
                                                            

34.

                       TRUCKER
Nah, of course not. Standard fee
right?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Um, yeah I guess so... Thanks
again for doing this.
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
No worries. So which one of you
guys is gonna... do the deed?
                                                            
The guys all exchange confused looks.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Um, all of us I guess...
                                                            
The trucker's face lights up in excitement.
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
Goddamn! I hit the jackpot huh?
                                                            
The guys all look increasingly confused.
                                                            
                       JOE
What is he...
                                                            
                       TRUCKER
Alright, now remember boys, no
teeth or no booze.
                                                            
We hear the sound of his fly unzipping.

The guys all look on in horror without saying anything.
Gerry rolls up the window without looking away or speaking.
                                                            
 
EXT. SWEENEYíS - DAY
                                                            
The four guys sit in Nate's car in another liquor store
parking lot.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, rock paper scissors for
who has to go.
                                                            
                       DAN
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.
                                                            
Dan, Nate, and Joe all throw out rock and Gerry throws out
paper.
                                                            
Gerry smiles in confidence.
                                                            

35.

                       NATE
Alright, all you Gerry.
                                                            
Gerry's face turns to anger.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What do you mean?
                                                            
                       NATE
Rock beats paper.
                                                            
                       GERRY
No it doesn't! Paper covers rock!
                                                            
                       NATE
No you moron, rock goes straight
through paper. Who do you think
would win in a battle, a thin
piece of paper or a heavy rock?
                                                            
                       JOE
It's true dude, rocks are way more
dense than paper. They're solid
and they have rigid edges. They
cut right through paper.
                                                            
Gerry exchanges angry glances with Joe, Nate, and Dan who
all look back defiantly.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You guys suck. Seriously the
worst.
                                                            
 
INT. SWEENEYíS - DAY
                                                            
Gerry walks into the store and doesn't get two feet passed
the entrance. He smiles nervously.
                                                            
                       GERRY
How are you today sir?
                                                            
The clerk points to the "No Persons Under 21" sign.
                                                            
                       CLERK
Get the fuck out of here peewee.
                                                            
Gerry continues to smile and laugh nervously.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (immediately)
Alright, you have a nice day now.
                                                            
 

36.

INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Nate, Dan, Gerry, and Joe sit in the common room.
                                                            
                       DAN
We have to call somebody. We tried
everything else.
                                                            
                       NATE
The only person I can think to
call is Billy and I really don't
want to do that. He's an absolute
boner and he always over charges.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What other options do we have?
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       JOE
We could always try blowing that
dude?
                                                            
                       NATE
I'll call Billy.
                                                            
Nate takes out his cell phone and dials a number. He puts
the phone up to his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
Hey Billy? It's Nate... Yeah
that's what I was gunna ask. You
sure you don't mind? Can I get
like a handle of rum and a 30 rack
of whatever's cheapest? Yeah a
handle not a bottle. Yeah that's
fine. Shit dude thank you so
much... Yeah that sounds good.
Alright see you then dude.
                                                            
Nate hangs up and puts the phone back in his pocket.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That was easy.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's it?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah he said to meet him tomorrow
at 8 in the Shady Grove and bring
a duffle bag.
                                                            

37.

                       JOE
Are we buying alcohol or bricks of
cocaine?
                                                            
                       GERRY
You know what you forgot though?
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
Gerry loudly farts and then bursts out laughing.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God, it smells like an
elderly queef!
                                                            
 
INT. JOE AND DANíS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan and Joe each lay under the covers in their respective
beds with the lights out.

Dan speaks enthusiastically and Joe speaks half-heartedly.
                                                            
                       DAN
I'm so pumped for this weekend,
man.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, I guess so.
                                                            
                       DAN
I bet you can't wait to see all
the girls up there, right? Yeah
baby you're back on the market!
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       DAN
You know you may be the single
most depressing person I've ever
met right now?
                                                            
                       JOE
My bad.
                                                            
Dan sits up in bed and throws his pillow at Joe.
                                                            

38.

                       DAN
Dude stop being such a little
bitch and snap the fuck out of it.
She was a goddamn whore and you
know it. You're depressing me.
                                                            
Joe sits up and angrily throws the pillow back at Dan.
                                                            
                       JOE
Fuck you, you fuck asshole! Don't
talk about her like that you piece
of shit.
                                                            
                       DAN
Smarten up man. Think of all the
shit she did before you.
                                                            
                       JOE
Bullshit, like what?
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh I don't know. To start, maybe
when she had a threesome with a
gay guy and a lesbian about 3
weeks before she dated you.
                                                            
                       JOE
She was drunk and it was freshman
year and she didn't know how to
act yet.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's so fucked on many reasons.
One, the fact that she was a
freshman in college and had a
threesome. Two, she somehow had
sex with a gay guy. I don't know
how the fuck that even works. She
kinda looks like a guy so maybe
that's it but at the same time,
what the fuck!? Three, if Laura
isn't a lesbian and she isn't bi
then why the hell would she want
to hook up with another girl!?
                                                            
                       JOE
That was a one time thing and she
promised me it wasn't a big deal.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright man, how about this? How
many guys did she hook up with the
summer before college?
                                                            

39.

                       JOE
I don't know.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh really because I remember it
very clearly. You know why I
remember it clearly? Because I
have it on video.
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude, shut up.
                                                            
                       DAN
Remember Joe? She was drunk and
used my Flip Camera to make a
video diary of her saying she
hooked up with 26 guys. Then she
started going into grotesque
detail about what she did with
each of them. Just... blumpkins
and frumps and... ugh!
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude shut the fuck up! She WAS a
whore ok? I know that. It just...
it didn't matter because when I
was with her she made me forget
about all that. She was a totally
different person around me. I
didn't fall in love with that
Laura. I fell in love with the
Laura that made me laugh and made
me smile and made me forget that
there was anything else to life.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright to be honest, if you had
said that about anyone else that
would have been ridiculously cute,
but because you said it about that
Nazi fucking troll, it isn't.
                                                            
Joe slams his head back down onto the pillow.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're such an asshole.
                                                            
Dan slams his head back down too and speaks under his
breath.
                                                            

40.

                       DAN
Least I didn't have a threesome
with a gay guy and a lesbian.
                                                            
 
INT. JOE AND DANíS ROOM - MORNING
                                                            
Joe lays in bed asleep with the blinds closed. Dan snaps
them open allowing bright sunlight to shine it. Joe wakes
up, groggy.
                                                            
                       JOE
Come on!
                                                            
Dan gets dressed as he talks.
                                                            
                       DAN
"Come on" yourself!
                                                            
Dan stops and laughs for a moment.
                                                            
                       DAN
That's funny. But seriously, get
up, we have class in ten minutes,
you're gonna be late.
                                                            
                       JOE
I'm not going.
                                                            
                       DAN
What, why not?
                                                            
                       JOE
Because I'm in a bottomless pit of
depression, leave me alone.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, come on, get up.
                                                            
                       JOE
Go away, I'm not getting up.
                                                            
Dan moves to the doorway and yells into the common room.
                                                            
                       DAN
Hey guys, Joe's not going to class
because he's in a pit of
depression or something gay like
that.
                                                            

41.

An alarm clock whizzes by Dan's head.

Dan turns, laughs, and points at Joe mockingly with his
index finger.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oooooh, you little bastard!
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan, Gerry, Joe, and Nate stand in the common room with a
duffle bag.
                                                            
                       GERRY
He better not overcharge us like
last time.
                                                            
                       DAN
It doesn't really matter at this
point, it's our only option.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Last time was bullshit though. He
charged me eighteen dollars for a
six pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade.
                                                            
                       JOE
To be honest man, that's what you
get for drinking Mike's Hard
Lemonade.
                                                            
                       DAN
And you still paid it too.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm just saying its bullshit.
                                                            
                       DAN
Like I know WE drink now, but how
are you guys planning on handling
the drinking thing with your kids?
                                                            
                       JOE
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       DAN
Like are you going to let your
kids drink in high school and
college and stuff? Like I don't
want my kids doing some of the
shit that I do! I would disown my
kids if they acted like I do... Oh
Jesus, I'm going to lose sleep
            (MORE)

42.

                       DAN (cont'd)
over this shit.
                                                            
                       JOE
You know you blow my mind? With
the things you say?
                                                            
                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       JOE
You're just... I don't know... you
confuse me.
                                                            
 
EXT. SHADY GROVE - EVENING
                                                            
The Shady Grove is nothing more than a couple of picnic
benches next to a small parking lot. It is dim lit and
fairly out of sight.

Gerry, Nate, and Joe sit on a bench fidgeting nervously. Dan
watches the video for "Thriller" by Michael Jackson on his
iPod.
                                                            
                       GERRY
All right where the hell is he?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, he should be here by
now.
                                                            
                       JOE
Don't freak out yet, we still have
time. He probably just got held
up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I hope he didn't get busted.
                                                            
                       JOE
For what? Legally buying alcohol?
                                                            
                       DAN
This is dumb, there's no way he'd
be able to dance this well with
rigor mortis. He'd be all stiff.
                                                            
                       NATE
What are you talking about?
                                                            

43.

                       DAN
This video is just stupid. Like
why doesn't she just run away
while he's dancing?
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's it, we're fucked. We have
no booze for this weekend.
                                                            
                       NATE
We're not fucked alright? He'll be
here.
                                                            
                       JOE
What time is it anyways?
                                                            
                       NATE
Quarter to...
                                                            
He removes his phone and looks at the time.
                                                            
                       NATE
... eight thirty.
                                                            
                       JOE
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
Eight fifteen, it's eight fifteen.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Wait, is that him?
                                                            
A piece of crap, rusty, dented car pulls up blasting
terrible rap music.
                                                            
                       DAN
Can you say white chocolate?
                                                            
The car turns off and BILLY steps out. He tries to dress
like a bro but he looks like a complete tool. He has cargo
pants on, a tucked in bright blue polo shirt, and black
shiny sunglasses, even though it's nighttime. He speaks with
a level of confidence that would annoy the Pope.
                                                            
                       BILLY
What's going on guys? Sorry I'm
late, I had to go to a couple
stores. I wanted to make sure you
guys got the best deals, right?
                                                            
Billy tries to give the guys some kind of weird high
five/daps move to Nate but it only confuses him.
                                                            

44.

                       BILLY
Cool, alright, so you got the
money brah?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah we have it. How much was it?
                                                            
                       BILLY
Um, the beer was 25 and the rum
was 25 too.
                                                            
                       NATE
Here you go man.
                                                            
Nate hands Billy the money.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Pleasure boys. It's sitting right
there on the front seat.
                                                            
Gerry and Dan go to retrieve the booze from the car.
                                                            
                       NATE
You really saved us man. I don't
know...
                                                            
Gerry and Dan return from the car. Gerry holds up the bottle
of rum that has a price tag on it for $16.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Twenty five bucks? Dude the label
says sixteen.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Nah my brother, it was twenty
five.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude the label is right on it.
                                                            
                       JOE
You douche, you tried to dick ten
bucks out of us!
                                                            
                       BILLY
Whatever man, you either pay or
you don't get the booze.
                                                            
                       DAN
How about we pay sixteen or I take
the bottle of rum and shove it up
your ass and then punch you in the
stomach repeatedly so the bottle
breaks and you get broken glass
            (MORE)

45.

                       DAN (cont'd)
and rum inside your fucking colon?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, and that would sting!
                                                            
                       BILLY
You better watch your ass kid. I
know a lot more people than you
do.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh bullshit, everyone you know
hates you. Underclassmen buy from
you because you don't have any
friends in your own grade and you
think this makes you cool. You're
a whiney little bitch.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, and you have a two inch
dick!
                                                            
                       BILLY
Whatever you assholes, don't ever
ask me to buy for you again.
                                                            
                       JOE
Suck a fart you jackass.
                                                            
                       DAN
And take off those sunglasses,
it's the fucking nighttime.
                                                            
Billy flips them off as he gets into his car, resumes
blasting crappy rap music, and attempts to start his car but
it stalls.
                                                            
                       NATE
Your car works even worse than
your dick.
                                                            
After several tries the engine turns over.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Suck my dick!
                                                            
He skins out of the parking lot.
                                                            
                       JOE
Goddamn that kid is such a boner.
                                                            
 

46.

INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, and Nate sit in the common room.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You really think that would work?
With shoving the bottle up his
ass?
                                                            
                       DAN
I could do it.
                                                            
Joe exits his bedroom with his phone up to his ear.
                                                            
                       JOE
Alright... I love you too.
                                                            
                       NATE
Is that Laura?
                                                            
                       JOE
What? Oh... no, it isn't.
                                                            
                       DAN
Give us the phone now.
                                                            
                       JOE
No, get out of here.
                                                            
Gerry snatches the phone away from Joe and talks into it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Listen to me you snot nosed little
fascist, you stay the fuck away
from our friend. You're no good
for him and you do nothing but
make him upset.
                                                            
Dan takes the phone.
                                                            
                       JOE
Guys stop!
                                                            
                       DAN
You're easier to get into than
public school.
                                                            
Nate takes the phone and talks into it.
                                                            
                       NATE
Burn in hell you shit eating
little... Oh! Mrs. Anderson! Yeah
how are you!? Oh no don't mind
them. Yeah that was just our
            (MORE)

47.

                       NATE (cont'd)
suitemates. Yeah we have a few
people with... Tourette's
Syndrome. Yeah, they all had
outbursts at once. Yeah it's very
uncommon, I know... Well here's
Joe for ya. I'll go have a talk
with those affected kids right
now. Alright, see you soon.
                                                            
Joe whispers to his friends before talking to his mom again.
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys are retards. Yeah hi mom.
No those were just some mentally
unstable kids we live with. Yeah
they should be put somewhere else,
I know. Alright, I love you too.
Talk to you soon. Bye.
                                                            
Joe hangs up the phone and they all burst out laughing.
                                                            
                       NATE
Dude we thought it was Laura!
                                                            
                       JOE
You guys seriously have some kind
of chemical imbalance or
something.
                                                            
                       DAN
We're sorry man, but you hafta
admit, that was hilarious.
                                                            
                       JOE
Whatever, you guys are the ones
that have to live with yourselves
every day.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright I have to do some work
before bed. I'll see you guys
tomorrow.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Wait hold on.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       GERRY
High five?
                                                            

48.

Gerry puts both of his hands in the air and motions for Nate
to give him a high five. Nate looks confused and caught off
guard for a moment or two but then slowly puts his hands in
the air. Once Nate has them both in the air Gerry punches
him in the balls. Nate screams in pain and falls to the
ground as the other three guys burst out laughing.
                                                            
 
INT. BENAGLIA HALL - COMMON ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The next morning the guys all meet up in the common room.
Dan, Gerry, and Joe sit waiting with a small backpack each.
Nate enters the room with a gigantic duffle bag stuffed to
the brim and a large feather pillow.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're kidding me right?
                                                            
                       NATE
What!?
                                                            
 
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
                                                            
The four guys walk along the road towards where Nate's car
is parked.
                                                            
                       DAN
You ready to get with an
unfathomable amount of girls
tonight?
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know, I don't really feel
like dealing with girls right now.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Moving on to guys?
                                                            
                       DAN
Nah, screw that. Joe's gonna tear
someone apart tonight.
                                                            
Nate's cell phone beeps and he takes it out, stops for a
moment, shakes his head, and continues on.
                                                            
                       DAN
Who was that?
                                                            
                       NATE
It's nothing. My mom just keeps
poking me on Facebook. It's
getting weird.
                                                            

49.

                       DAN
Speaking of poking, Joe's gonna be
poking mad girls tonight!
                                                            
                       GERRY
With his dick!
                                                            
                       JOE
Gerry, you know, I caught on to
that before you said anything. I
didn't need an interpreter.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're used to constant sex dude.
You're not gonna be able to go
much longer. You're gonna end up
jacking it on the car ride up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Joe's gonna end up just like
Juice.
                                                            
                       JOE
Who's Juice?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh my God, don't tell me I never
told you about Juice?
                                                            
                       DAN
I know that story.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah me too. You want me to tell
it?
                                                            
                       JOE
I want anyone BUT you to tell it.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'll tell it don't worry. My
friend Juice from high school. His
name was Alex but we called him
Juice because he drank gin like it
was water. He goes on a trip to
Ireland with his family. This is a
kid who never went a day without
getting action. So he starts
reading these dirty texts a girl
sent him on the plane flight over.
He keeps reading these texts over
and over and eventually like an
hour into the flight he decides he
can't take it anymore. He goes
            (MORE)

50.

                       GERRY (cont'd)
into the airplane bathroom and
jacks it and 1500 feet.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's awesome, he might be the
first singular member of the mile
high club.
                                                            
                       NATE
I have a better story than that.
                                                            
                       DAN
I guarantee you don't.
                                                            
                       NATE
So my friend Murph decides that he
wants road head. His girlfriend
says no because it's too dangerous
and she doesn't want him to crash.
So he decides that he's gunna jack
it while he's driving because
that's the closest thing he can
think of to road dome. He drives
to some convenience store,
probably Cumberland Farms or
something, he buys a magazine. I
forget which one. I don't know, I
think it was Playboy but it might
have been like Penthouse or
Hustler or something and...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
Stop!
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
What?
                                                            
                       DAN
Why do you always do that shit?
                                                            
                       NATE
Do what?
                                                            
                       DAN
Like, that story had potential
because it was really weird
and your friend is an idiot but
you go into so much retarded
detail that it killed any possible
humor the story had to offer. What
            (MORE)

51.

                       DAN (cont'd)
the hell was the point of telling
us what magazine he used or what
store he went to? That didn't add
a goddamn thing to the story!
                                                            
Nate shrugs and looks defeated.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Just condense the rest of the
story and finish it.
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know. That's it. He tried
jacking it and I guess it didn't
feel that great... He was
concentrating on the road and he
lost his boner.
                                                            
                       JOE
Miserable story man.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah, just God awful.
                                                            
                       NATE
Well enjoy it assholes because we
have three hours in a car
together.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
The four guys drive along the highway for several moments as
upbeat music plays.
                                                            
 
INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate drives, Joe has shotgun, and Gerry and Dan are in the
back.

Joe is asleep in the front seat.
                                                            
                       DAN
Can you pull over soon? I have to
piss.
                                                            
                       NATE
We've been on the road for twenty
five minutes. Can't you hold it?
                                                            

52.

                       DAN
I'm gonna piss in a bottle if you
don't stop.
                                                            
                       NATE
No you're not.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Here, let me see what I can find
for you.
                                                            
Gerry turns around and riffles through the back trunk.
                                                            
                       NATE
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh, here we go.
                                                            
Gerry turns back around with an empty box of Wheat Thins.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yeah I can probably use that.
                                                            
                       NATE
You're not gonna piss in a
cardboard box.
                                                            
                       GERRY
His wiener's out man.
                                                            
Nate immediately cuts the wheel hard to the right.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car quickly turns off the highway into a rest stop.
                                                            
 
INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate looks over as he drives and sees Joe is asleep.
                                                            
                       NATE
Before we go in I have an idea.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
I'm gonna pull up right in front
of that parked semi truck. When I
give the signal I'm gonna honk the
horn and we're all gonna scream as
            (MORE)

53.

                       NATE (cont'd)
loud as we can.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I don't get it.
                                                            
                       DAN
Shit, I think I do. He's gonna
wake up to screaming and a blaring
horn looking face first at a semi
truck. He doesn't know we stopped
driving.
                                                            
                       GERRY
This is terrible and I love it.
                                                            
Nate pulls up feet away from a parked semi truck.
                                                            
                       NATE
Ready?
                                                            
Gerry and Dan look extremely excited.
                                                            
                       NATE
One, two, three.
                                                            
Nate leans on the horn and they all scream like bloody
murder.

Joe immediately wakes up and flips out screaming.
                                                            
 
EXT. REST STOP - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Dan, and Joe exit the car but Gerry stays inside.
                                                            
                       DAN
You're not coming Gerry?
                                                            
                       GERRY
No, I'm all set.
                                                            
                       JOE
You sure? We have a long ride man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Just go, I'm fine.
                                                            
They start walking towards the rest stop.
                                                            
                       NATE
Sore subject with him.
                                                            

54.

                       JOE
What's a sore subject?
                                                            
                       NATE
A while back he saw that movie
Witness with Harrison Ford and he
hasn't been able to use a public
bathroom since.
                                                            
                       DAN
I don't get it.
                                                            
                       NATE
The movie's about this little
Amish kid and he's taking a shit
in a train station bathroom and
then a guy gets murdered while
he's in there.
                                                            
 
INT. REST STOP BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
A quick fantasy sequence shows Gerry dressed as an Amish boy
as the bathroom stall gets kicked in. Gerry screams loudly.
                                                            
 
EXT. REST STOP - DAY
                                                            
Back to reality.
                                                            
                       DAN
Sounds like an awful movie.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah it is... but there's boobs in
it.
                                                            
 
INT. REST STOP BATHROOM - DAY
                                                            
Nate, Dan, and Joe all enter the bathroom where there is a
long row of urinals.

Dan goes all the way to one end, Joe goes all the way to the
other end, and Nate goes right next to Dan.
                                                            
                       DAN
Whoa dude, what are you doing?
                                                            
                       NATE
What do you mean? I'm taking a
piss.
                                                            

55.

                       DAN
Yeah, but why right there?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, the urinals looked
better than the sink I guess.
                                                            
                       DAN
How did you land on THAT urinal?
                                                            
                       NATE
I don't know, they all look the
same.
                                                            
                       DAN
You don't believe in a little
buffer room or anything?
                                                            
Nate laughs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Dude, I'm not gonna take a peek or
anything!
                                                            
                       DAN
You don't think this is a little
weird? I mean there's all those
urinals over there and somehow you
landed on the one that's right
next to me. It makes me
uncomfortable.
                                                            
                       NATE
You got a small dick or something?
                                                            
Dan scoffs.
                                                            
                       DAN
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
If you're betting with a short
stack it's no big deal.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude, it ha nothing to do with
that.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh, okay... So you're comfortable
with having a small dick?
                                                            

56.

                       DAN
Would you just let me piss? We've
been here for like two minutes and
I can't get a stream going because
you won't shut up.
                                                            
                       NATE
Fine, fine.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
You know the technical term is
called a micropenis.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
I Googled it once.
                                                            
Dan looks at Nate judgmentally but he doesn't seem to
notice.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car drives along the highway.
                                                            
 
INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
                       GERRY
Alright I was thinking, and I want
to make freshman year bad
decisions tonight.
                                                            
                       JOE
How bad?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I mean Spring Weekend bad
decisions.
                                                            
                       NATE
You mean Michelle?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Sure do.
                                                            

57.

                       DAN
You're really gonna bring that up?
                                                            
                       JOE
Was she the one with the beard?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Sure was.
                                                            
                       DAN
Fuzz, not beard.
                                                            
                       JOE
Alright Gerry what about your less
than average hookups?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh like who?
                                                            
                       NATE
Erica?
                                                            
                       GERRY
She was a good kisser man.
                                                            
                       DAN
She had a voice deeper than the
Grand Canyon.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah we always called her Brad
Garret behind your back. You know,
the brother from Everybody Loves
Raymond?
                                                            
                       GERRY
What about Melissa? She was hot!
                                                            
                       NATE
"Melissa" Melissa?
                                                            
                       GERRY
No I mean "show me your mouth"
Melissa.
                                                            
                       DAN
Was she the Asian one?
                                                            
                       GERRY
No, that was "Melissa the Asian."
I'm talking about "stale birthday
cake Melissa."
                                                            

58.

                       JOE
Oh! "Manchurian Candidate"
Melissa!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yes!
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, she was gross man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
No she wasn't.
                                                            
                       DAN
She was kind of beat.
                                                            
                       GERRY
No... Really?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah... like a... wooly mammoth.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, maybe you're right... fuck,
I need to do better. Whatever, how
far away are we? My ass is falling
asleep.
                                                            
                       NATE
GPS says like twenty minutes.
We're getting off the highway now.
                                                            
 
EXT. DONUT SHOP - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car pulls into a donut shop and all four guys exit
the car and start walking towards the store.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Hey, what do you guys think the
Cabbage Patch Kids would look like
when they grow up?
                                                            
                       JOE
What are you talking about?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I've just always been curious
about that.
                                                            

59.

They open the door to the donut shop and walk inside.
                                                            
 
INT. DONUT SHOP - DAY
                                                            
They all walk up to the counter and Nate orders.
                                                            
                       NATE
Can I get half a dozen donuts
please? Any kind is fine.
                                                            
                       DAN
They probably look like regular
people... except they smell
heavily of cabbage.
                                                            
                       GERRY
It's just the thought of cabbage
going through puberty weirds me
out.
                                                            
                       JOE
Gerry, want a hurtz donut?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Oh, awesome, haven't heard that
one since third grade.
                                                            
                       NATE
You want a chocolate donut
instead?
                                                            
                       GERRY
You got chocolate? Yeah, I'll take
one.
                                                            
Nate forcefully punches Gerry in the arm.
                                                            
                       NATE
Chocolate! Don't it!
                                                            
The lady behind the counter hands Nate the donuts. He hands
her several bills.
                                                            
                       NATE
Keep the change.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You're such a boner dude.
                                                            
 

60.

INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
They get back into Nate's car, he starts the engine and they
pull away.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I have another question.
                                                            
                       JOE
Can't you just stop asking
questions for now?
                                                            
                       DAN
No, let him get it out of his
system before we meet anyone worth
impressing.
                                                            
                       GERRY
How do mermaids repopulate?
                                                            
                       JOE
How do you even think of shit like
that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm completely serious.
                                                            
                       NATE
I always just assumed that because
they don't exist that it doesn't
really matter.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Just think about it ok? In order
to conceive a child, a guy and a
girl have to have mate right?
                                                            
                       DAN
We're really going to have this
debate?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Have you ever seen a fucking male
mermaid!?
                                                            
                       NATE
It's called a merman.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Whatever it doesn't matter because
you've never seen a male one!
                                                            

61.

                       JOE
I've never seen a female one
either bro.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's another thing! Have you
ever seen a mermaid vagina?
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh my God.
                                                            
                       GERRY
On the off chance that there is a
merman, how do they even mate?
What's he gonna stick it?
                                                            
                       DAN
What if mermaids are asexual? What
if they don't need to mate. Some
reptiles don't need a partner to
reproduce, did you ever think
about that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (sarcastically)
Yeah that makes sense.
                                                            
                       NATE
Really quick, take a look at this
hardo on the sidewalk.
                                                            
Walking next to the street is a very large, muscular, BALD
GUY wearing a tight, about to rip, wife beater shirt. Like a
guido on steroids.
                                                            
                       DAN
Wait, give me a donut.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yup.
                                                            
Nate hands Dan a donut.
                                                            
                       DAN
Jelly. Perfect.
                                                            
                       JOE
What are you doing?
                                                            
Dan sticks his head out the window and throws the donut at
the bald guy, hitting him directly in the chest, splattering
the jelly everywhere.


62.

The bald guy flips off the car, rips off his white shirt,
the veins in his head about to pop, and lets out a huge
scream like a banshee.
                                                            
Dan sticks his head back inside the car and a couple moment
pass in silence.
                                                            
                       DAN
So we should let Chad know we're
close probably.
                                                            
                       NATE
Oh yeah, I'll text him real quick.
Grab the wheel?
                                                            
                       DAN
Really?
                                                            
                       NATE
No, you're probably right, I'll
just steer with my boner.
                                                            
 
EXT. AMHERST - DAY
                                                            
The car drives through a college town. There are students
clad with UMASS brand clothing walking all around. There are
people sitting on park benches, throwing Frisbees, playing
wiffle ball, ect. The guys looks around, pleased as they
drive.

Soon, they drive by one building with Greek lettering on it.
The front yard is filled with empty beer cans, a ruit table,
empty kegs, and a chair that has been set on fire.
                                                            
 
INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
The guys all look at this yard and then look back at each
other reassuringly, smiling wide.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You guys... we're home.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHADíS PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Nate's car pulls into a parking lot next to a very tall
tower style dorm.
                                                            
 

63.

INT. NATEíS CAR - DAY
                                                            
Nate takes out his cell phone, hits a button, and puts it to
his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
You Chad, it's Nate... Yeah we're
right outside... Sounds good man.
                                                            
Nate hangs up the phone.
                                                            
                       GERRY
He gonna let us in?
                                                            
                       NATE
No, he changed his mind, we have
to go home. Yes he's letting us
in. He said to meet him at the
door.
                                                            
                       DAN
Leggo then.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHADíS PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
The guys get out of the car and get their bags out of the
trunk.

Chad walks over from his dorm.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What's going on guys?
                                                            
He gives Nate a man hug.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's up man. You remember Joe
and Dan but I don't think you've
met Gerry before.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Nice to meet you man.
                                                            
                       CHAD
You too bud.
                                                            
The rest of the guys go through the handshake and greeting
routine.
                                                            
                       NATE
How'd the rugby game go last
night?
                                                            

64.

                       CHAD
Eh, not great.
                                                            
                       NATE
Shit, why not?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I only played the first five
minutes of the game.
                                                            
                       NATE
How come?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I was kicked in the testicles to
the point where I vomited... Right
so let's head inside.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS DORM - DAY
                                                            
The guys all enter the building's reception area and walk
towards an elevator. Chad presses the "up" button and the
elevator opens. They all enter and Chad presses a button.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Whoa, what floor are you on?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Thirteen.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Alright, well I'll meet you up
there.
                                                            
Gerry gets off the elevator and Chad holds the door as it
begins to close.
                                                            
                       DAN
Where you going?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I'm walking.
                                                            
                       JOE
It's thirteen stories man.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Have you ever been to Disney?
Heard of the Tower of Terror?
Yeah, well that's not fucking
happening to me.
                                                            

65.

                       DAN
You're walking up thirteen flights
of stairs because of a ride at
Disney?
                                                            
                       GERRY
I know how this shit works and
it's NOT happening to me.
                                                            
                       NATE
You're a jackass.
                                                            
The elevator door begins closing again.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Have fun in the Twilight Zone
fuckers!
                                                            
The door closes.
                                                            
 
INT. ELEVATOR - DAY
                                                            
                       CHAD
He realizes that if he takes the
stairs or the elevator... it's
thirteen floors either way.
                                                            
                       NATE
Logic doesn't really matter with
him.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Is he always like that?
                                                            
They all answer quickly and in unison.
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes.
                                                            
                       DAN
Yes.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yes.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I figured... So did you guys have
any idea of what you want to do
tonight?
                                                            

66.

                       NATE
We were kind of hoping you had
something in mind.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I was thinking we'd hit the frats.
It's like five bucks to get it and
they have kegs and all sorts of
shit.
                                                            
                       NATE
We HAVE booze, we NEED girls.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Have you ever been to a frat? It's
like a breeding ground for hot
girls.
                                                            
                       DAN
I thought frats were just a bunch
of ugly dudes who do nothing but
drink beer and watch football with
other dudes.
                                                            
                       CHAD
That too.
                                                            
                       NATE
There's usually girls there
though?
                                                            
Chad tries rhyming.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah man, all the GIRLS in all the
WORLD.
                                                            
Dan put his hand on Joe's shoulder.
                                                            
                       DAN
Good because we need to get our
good friend Joe a much needed bj.
                                                            
Joe moves Dan's hand off his shoulder.
                                                            
                       JOE
Shut up.
                                                            
Chad tries to awkwardly rhyme again.
                                                            

67.

                       CHAD
Don't worry about it dude, welcome
to U-MASS, home of... home of the
ass... Yeah...
                                                            
Chad proudly and smugly smiles as the other guys exchange
confused looks.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
The elevator bell dings and the door opens where Joe, Chad,
Dan, and Nate are greeted by Gerry who is already there.
They all look incredibly confused.
                                                            
                       DAN
How did you get up here already?
                                                            
Gerry speaks matter-of-factly as if confused by the nature
of the question.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I walked...
                                                            
                       JOE
Thirteen stories?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah, that's what I said. Come on,
I want to put my stuff down.
                                                            
Gerry turns and walks down the hall. The other guys exchange
a few confused glances and follow.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - DAY
                                                            
The guys walk into the room and drop their stuff on the
ground.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Hey Frank?
                                                            
Frank is sitting at his laptop. He has stereo headphones on
and is loudly listening to Miley Cyrus. The muffled sound of
her music is easily audible from inside the headphones.
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (quietly)
Jesus Christ, I hate you so much.
      (loudly)
FRANK!
                                                            

68.

Frank jumps at his seat and turns around. He is wearing a
Ghostbusters t-shirt.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Frank, this is Nate, Joe, Dan, and
Gerry.
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       FRANK
Hi.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's up man?
                                                            
Nate extends his hand to Frank who looks at it for several
moments before silently shaking his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
Okay then.
                                                            
                       CHAD
He has a thing about germs.
                                                            
                       FRANK
Did you know that a human hand has
more germs on it than a toilet
seat?
                                                            
                       NATE
Good to know dude.
                                                            
Frank turns to Dan.
                                                            
                       FRANK
You should use hand sanitizer to
avoid the flu. Flu season is
coming fast.
                                                            
                       DAN
Will do pal.
                                                            
                       FRANK
My mom signed me up to get a flu
shot but the vaccine hasn't come
in yet.
                                                            
Frank stares at Dan without blinking.
                                                            
                       DAN
Alright...
                                                            

69.

                       JOE
Yeah, I had the flu last year. It
sucked.
                                                            
Frank shoots up and gets extremely close to Chad, completely
in his face. He whispers but still seems to spit venom at
the same time.
                                                            
                       FRANK
You didn't tell me he had the flu
last year! This is unacceptable,
unacceptable!
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (calmly)
Frank, take it easy or I will drop
you.
                                                            
Frank angrily breathes out and heads for the door.
                                                            
                       FRANK
If I get sick before my vaccine
comes in, YOU'RE COVERING MY
COPAYMENT!
                                                            
Frank leaves the room and slams the door behind him.
                                                            
                       NATE
What the hell was that?
                                                            
                       CHAD
That was Frank making a first
impression. You think that was
bad? I live with this shit every
day. Last week I brought a burger
back from the cafe and put it in
the fridge and Frank flipped out
on me because he thought he was
gunna get E-coli poisoning.
                                                            
 
EXT. CHADíS DORM - NIGHT
                                                            
The sun is setting and it's getting dark outside.
                                                            
 
INT. CHADíS ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Throughout the scene, the five guys talk while packing their
backpacks with beer, splitting the bottle of rum into 5
water bottles, and mixing the rum with soda.
                                                            

70.

                       CHAD
You guys really stocked up huh?
                                                            
                       DAN
We came prepared dude.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Came to drink and brought the
sink, I like your style.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (mouths to Nate)
What?
                                                            
Nate shrugs.
                                                            
                       CHAD
You probably don't even need to
bring it all. They have tons of
booze at the frats.
                                                            
                       GERRY
That's probably a good idea.
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah Nate, you should watch
yourself tonight. Think of all the
weird places you've woken up after
you had too much.
                                                            
                       NATE
Like where?
                                                            
                       GERRY
Roof of campus police.
                                                            
                       JOE
Middle of the quad... with no
pants on.
                                                            
                       DAN
The back seat of a snow plow... in
September.
                                                            
                       NATE
Whatever, I'll be fine.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I hope something weird happens to
you tonight.
                                                            

71.

                       NATE
You guys need to relax. You act
like I'm gonna get drunk and
someone's going to steal my
kidney's or something.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Famous last words.
                                                            
Nate stops what he's doing, confused.
                                                            
                       NATE
Gerry, literally nobody has ever
said that before. Nobody has gone
out with the fear of having their
kidneys stolen. Do you just talk
without thinking?
                                                            
A beat.
                                                            
                       GERRY
W... kinda, yeah.
                                                            
 
EXT. AMHERST - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys all exit the building and begin walking down the
street. There are a decent amount of people walking on the
sidewalk.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Just make sure you just have mixed
drinks until we get to the frats.
If any cops drive by they'll stop
us for open cans so just use the
water bottles for now.
                                                            
                       NATE
Cops hardasses around here?
                                                            
                       CHAD
They're not too bad I think I just
have the worst luck ever.
                                                            
                       JOE
You been caught before?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Oh yeah. Three times so far this
year.
                                                            
                       NATE
Nice work.
                                                            

72.

                       DAN
What'd you get caught for?
                                                            
                       CHAD
The first time was on my birthday
and I decided that drinking a
bottle of Jack Daniel's in forty
five minutes would be a good idea.
I fell asleep puking in the
bathroom and woke up in the drunk
tank.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's awful man.
                                                            
                       CHAD
It gets worse. Some of the public
busses round here have police
details on them. My friends bet me
that I couldn't beat the cop in
rock paper scissors so I
challenged him. He smelt booze on
my breath, searched my bag, and
found a great deal of beer.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Did you at least win the game?
                                                            
                       NATE
Shut up Gerry.
                                                            
                       CHAD
The third time is the best. I got
kicked out of a frat because I
thought I could steal a dart board
and smuggle a dart board out under
my shirt. I was mad so I decided
to take a piss on their mailbox. I
was subsequently handcuffed for
indecent exposure and public
urination.
                                                            
                       NATE
Doesn't that make you a registered
sex offender?
                                                            
                       CHAD
That's the thing, on the way to
the station a group of kids flung
poo at the car and they decided to
arrest them instead and let me off
with a warning.
                                                            

73.

                       DAN
Poo?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, poo. Human fecal matter.
Grossest thing I've ever seen. It
was like monkeys at the zoo.
                                                            
                       JOE
I can't believe you just whipped
it out on the side of a busy
street like that.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Seemed like a good idea at the
time.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You know what? Someday when I'm
rich, I'm gonna have two penises.
                                                            
Nate abruptly stops walking.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, what the fuck!?
                                                            
The rest of the group stops walking.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What?
                                                            
                       NATE
You're seriously driving me crazy
today. You have said some of the
most ridiculous shit possible
today and I don't know where it's
coming from, but I hate being
around you because of it.
Somewhere between mermaid vagina
and two penises I lost you.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I was just saying.
                                                            
                       DAN
We're gonna tie you to a tree and
leave you someplace if you keep
this up. What happens when we get
to the frat?
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you gunna try to get with a
girl by telling her you wish you
had a second dick? The double
            (MORE)

74.

                       JOE (cont'd)
penetration by one guy, yeah,
girls love that.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Don't take this the wrong way but
please don't tell anyone you meet
tonight about this whole... second
cock venture thing. I know a
decent amount of people around
here and I really don't want them
to hate me.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You know some people appreciate my
ideas?
                                                            
                       NATE
You're a dumbass Gerry.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Well isn't that the pot calling
the kettle black?
                                                            
                       NATE
No it's not! It's ME calling YOU a
fucking dumbass!
                                                            
 
EXT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys arrive outside of a run down frat house and walk up
to the door where a fat BOUNCER in a dirty beater shirt is
collecting money. He is wearing a trucker hat that reads
"Tax Guru."
                                                            
                       BOUNCER
Five buck each guys.
                                                            
Chad, Gerry, Joe, and Dan each hand him a five and walks in.
                                                            
                       NATE
I like your hat.
                                                            
They exchange a silent stare for a moment, Nate hands him a
five, and then follows the guys inside.
                                                            
 

75.

INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
They walk in through the doorway and look around. As soon as
they enter the music stops and they make awkward eye contact
with every other guy in the room. There is not a single girl
in the house.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Nice place.
                                                            
The music resumes and the frat guys all continue talking
with each other.
                                                            
                       NATE
So Chad, where are all the chicks?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Must be an off night.
                                                            
Chad immediately points to someone across the party and
yells to them.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yo Josh! Whuddup brah?
                                                            
Chad walks away.
                                                            
                       JOE
This is awesome man. Yeah, no I
love sausage fests.
                                                            
                       DAN
We might as well hang out for a
few minutes and maybe some girls
will show up. You know how long it
takes them to get ready. They have
to... I don't know actually. Why
the fuck does it take girls so
long to get ready?
                                                            
                       NATE
Well if they do show up we need to
keep "Double Dick" away from them.
                                                            
Chad motions to Nate from across the way.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yo, Nate!
                                                            
Nate walks over towards Chad.
                                                            
                       DAN
Let's go find the keg.
                                                            
 

76.

INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad is standing next to a guy named JOSH. He's a typical
frat boy but he's very scrawny.

A beer pong table is set up in the kitchen and the place is
littered with empty cans, dirty pots and pans, and general
clutter.
                                                            
                       CHAD
We got next game if we want it.
Also Nate this is my good buddy
Josh Crensigton.....
                                                            
After the first letter or two of Josh's last name Chad
trails off into a mumble, as if he does not really know the
last name.
                                                            
                       JOSH
It's Smith.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What? Oh yeah, no, that's what I
said.
                                                            
                       JOSH
You're an asshole.
                                                            
Josh walks away.
                                                            
                       NATE
Usually the mumble technique
works. Too bad you got the kid
with a one syllable last name.
                                                            
                       CHAD
I've met him like twice. Kid's a
complete chooch. I figured we
could be nice and get some free
beers out of him.
                                                            
                       NATE
He doesn't look to happy with you
man.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Nah, he'll be fine.
                                                            
Chad points to him from across the way and does some weird
kind of finger pistol motion.

Josh flips him off and mouths the words "Fuck you."
                                                            

77.

                       CHAD
Well, that's probably good.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
A few random shots display the goings on of the party.
People are drinking, doing keg stands, and playing random
games.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Nate and Chad play beer pong against two random frat kids.
Gerry approaches the table.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Celeb shot?
                                                            
                       NATE
Absolutely not.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Come on man! I won't miss, I
promise.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright fine, but if you miss I'm
punching you in the nuts.
                                                            
Nate hands Gerry the ball and he gets ready to shoot.

Gerry points over to the side on the ground.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Hey look!
                                                            
Gerry immediately tries bouncing the ball. One of the frat
boys swats it without even blinking or moving.
                                                            
                       NATE
Thanks Gerry, that was a great
deal of help.
                                                            
 
INT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The montage resumes. Quick clips show Gerry, Joe, and Dan
playing flip cup along with various other scenes depicting
drinking games and more socializing.
                                                            
 

78.

INT. FRAT HOUSE KITCHEN - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad shoots and sinks his last cup. He and Nate give each
other a high five.
                                                            
                       NATE
Fuck yeah!
                                                            
                       CHAD
That's eight games in a row!
                                                            
Two frat boys approach the table a black guy named MILLION
and a white guy named CHARLIE.
                                                            
                       MILLION
You guys are pretty damn good.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Thanks man.
                                                            
Million extends his hand and shakes theirs.
                                                            
                       MILLION
What's your name?
                                                            
                       CHAD
I'm Chad and this is my buddy
Nate.
                                                            
                       CHARLIE
You ever think about pledging?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah I was actually thinking about
it next semester.
                                                            
                       CHARLIE
Come with me, I'll introduce you
to our president.
                                                            
Charlie and Chad walk away.
                                                            
                       NATE
So what's your name?
                                                            
                       MILLION
It's Million.
                                                            
Nate pauses, confused.
                                                            
                       NATE
What's that again?
                                                            

79.

                       MILLION
Million.
                                                            
                       NATE
Million?
                                                            
                       MILLION
Yup.
                                                            
                       NATE
Like dollars?
                                                            
                       MILLION
Yeah.
                                                            
                       NATE
Is that a nickname or...
                                                            
                       MILLION
No.
                                                            
A beat.

Nate nervously bites his tongue and nods his head.
                                                            
                       NATE
Okay...
                                                            
Dan, Joe, and Gerry walk back over to the table.
                                                            
                       JOE
Where'd Chad go?
                                                            
                       NATE
He's talking to the president of
the chapter. This is... This is
Million.
                                                            
Million extends his hand.
                                                            
                       DAN
Million?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Like dollars?
                                                            
                       MILLION
Nice to meet you.
                                                            
They all slowly shake hands with Million.
                                                            

80.

Chad re-enters the room talking with the Billy Floyd, the
large meathead that Dan had earlier his with a donut.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Guys, I want you to meet Billy
Floyd, chapter president.
                                                            
Billy and Dan make eye contact with shots progressively
getting tighter on each of their eyes. Dan's eyes get
gradually more frightened and Billy gets gradually redder
and more angry.
                                                            
                       DAN
Oh shit.
                                                            
Billy lunges towards Dan.
                                                            
                       BILLY
Mother fucker!
                                                            
 
EXT. FRAT HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Gerry, Dan, Nate, Joe, and Chad all run out of the house.
Billy, Million, Charlie and others follow.

As they run, one of the frat guys throws a glass bottle
which hits Gerry in the head and smashes.
                                                            
                       GERRY
What the fuck!?
                                                            
He gets back up and continues running.

The frat boys all stop chasing at the end of the yard.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
A ways down the street the guys all stop running to catch
their breath.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What the fuck was that about?
                                                            
                       DAN
I hit muscles in the chest with a
jelly donut a few hours ago.
                                                            
                       CHAD
What? Why!?
                                                            

81.

                       DAN
I don't know, why not?
                                                            
                       JOE
Can we just go back now?
                                                            
                       NATE
To the frat!?
                                                            
                       JOE
I mean just go home.
                                                            
                       DAN
Are you serious?
                                                            
                       JOE
This is fucking stupid. We almost
just got our ass kicked by Stone
Cold Steve Austin and his band of
merry men!
                                                            
                       NATE
Yeah, well, we got that out of the
way.
                                                            
                       DAN
Dude come on, just hang out for
us. I'm sexually deprived. I need
this.
                                                            
                       GERRY
You're sexually deprived!? I had a
wet dream last night!
                                                            
                       DAN
Guys have wet dreams all the time.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Yeah but usually the dream
involves more than just cuddling.
                                                            
                       CHAD
That's messed up.
                                                            
                       NATE
Will you please just hang out for
a little?
                                                            
                       JOE
You really want me to stay out?
                                                            
                       NATE
Yes!
                                                            

82.

                       JOE
Ok Nate, how about this? I'll make
you a bet. If you can get a kiss
from the next girl that walks by
I'll stay out with you guys.
                                                            
                       NATE
Seriously?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yeah, seriously. That's the deal.
You keep telling me how easy these
girls are, prove it to me or I'm
done.
                                                            
Nate laughs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Really? A makeout or just a peck?
                                                            
                       JOE
A peck is fine as long as it's on
the lips.
                                                            
                       DAN
I still can't tell if you're
serious or not.
                                                            
                       JOE
You get this to happen and I will
go along with any ideas you have
for the rest of the night.
Whatever you guys want, I'll do
it. I give you my word.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Don't be a pussy man, you have to
at least try.
                                                            
                       DAN
Right there.
                                                            
Dan points to a group of four girls walking down the street
towards them.
                                                            
                       NATE
You're really making you do this?
                                                            
                       JOE
Yes I am.
                                                            
                       CHAD
Just do it!
                                                            

83.

Nate smiles and shrugs.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, fine.
                                                            
Nate turns and walks towards the girls.
                                                            
                       NATE
I can't believe this shit.
                                                            
He approaches the group.
                                                            
                       NATE
Ok listen, this is gonna sound
absolutely crazy but my friend
just made me a bet that I can't
get one of you to give me a kiss.
I know it's weird but it just has
to be...
                                                            
One of the girls, STEPH, grabs him and begins sloppily
making out with him.

The guys all show absolute surprise and start laughing. The
girls also start laughing and Chad, Gerry, Dan, and Joe all
walk over to the group.
                                                            
                       NATE
Wow, I wasn't expecting that!
                                                            
Steph, along with her friends LAUREN, CHARLOTTE, and ASHLEY
are all typically dressed party girls. Tight outfits and
completely impractical shoes.
                                                            
                       STEPH
I'm Steph, this is Charlotte, this
is Lauren, and this is Ashley.
                                                            
                       NATE
I'm Nate, this is Chad, Gerry,
Dan, and Joe.
                                                            
They all shake hands.
                                                            
                       CHARLOTTE
So what are you guys up to?
                                                            
                       CHAD
We just left a frat a couple
minutes ago.
                                                            

84.

                       LAUREN
Oh no! Why would you ever go to a
frat?
                                                            
                       ASHLEY
Those frats are nothing but ugly
dudes with half grown facial hair.
                                                            
                       STEPH
You should come hang out with us
instead. We're heading to a house
party just up the street.
                                                            
The guys look pleasantly surprised.
                                                            
                       NATE
For real?
                                                            
                       STEPH
Just follow us!
                                                            
The girls begin to walk on.
                                                            
                       GERRY
      (to Nate)
How was that man? She attacked you
like a rabid dog.
                                                            
                       NATE
I feel like I just made out with
Jose Quervo. She was cute but dear
God did she taste bad.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNYíS HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The guys and girls all walk up to a house down the street.
The house is white and is in MUCH better condition than the
frat house. The yard is fairly well kept and does not have
the trashy look of the frat house.
                                                            
                       STEPH
Here we are.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNYíS HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
The whole group enters the house. The guys look around and
notice that there are no other guys there and all of the
girls are stunning. A choir sings "Hallelujah" as they
survey the area.
                                                            

85.

                       GERRY
Pinch me.
                                                            
                       JOE
You're awake, shut up.
                                                            
A brunette girl named JENNY walks up to Steph and the guys.
She's wearing a tight dress and her boobs are almost falling
out.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Hey Steph! Ooooooh who are your
friends?
                                                            
She looks them all over flirtatiously.
                                                            
                       STEPH
This is Jake, Harry, Stan, Matt,
and Jim.
                                                            
                       NATE
It's actually Nate, Gerry, Dan,
Chad, and Joe, but close enough.
                                                            
Jenny and Steph burst out laughing.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Ooooh you are too funny! Well I'm
Jenny and this is my house. Grab a
drink. Stay a while.
                                                            
Jenny winks at the guys, blows them a kiss, and then walks
away.
                                                            
Joe leans over and whispers in Nate's ear.
                                                            
                       JOE
If I ever doubt you again I want
you to kick me in the scrotum as
hard as you can and remind me of
this very moment.
                                                            
                       NATE
Done and done.
                                                            
The scene cuts to a party montage. The guys all drink and
laugh with the girls. Other clips include:

The guys win a game of flip cup and the girls kiss them on
the cheek.

Nate and Joe play beer pong. Nate throws a ball around his
back and it goes it. Nate and Joe high five.

86.


Gerry, Dan, and Chad take tequila shots with some of the
girls. One girl passes the lime from her mouth to Dan's.

The party montage ends.

Gerry, Nate, Joe, and Chad sit around with various girls
playing "Never Have I ever." Joe is next to an attractive
redhead girl named SHANA.
                                                            
                       CHARLOTTE
Never have I ever had a threesome.
                                                            
One girl puts down her finger and the rest of the group
laugh at her. She also laughs.
                                                            
                       STEPH
Never have I ever had sex in a
shower.
                                                            
Several girls put their fingers down and the group laughs
again.
                                                            
                       NATE
Alright, never have I ever hooked
up with a guy.
                                                            
The girls all boo at his statement and all put down a
finger.
                                                            
                       NATE
Sorry!
                                                            
Gerry very subtly puts down a finger and takes a sip of beer
as Dan watches and shakes his head.
                                                            
                       CHAD
      (mouths to Gerry)
Dude.
                                                            
                       JOE
Never have I ever hooked up with a
red head.
                                                            
As some of the group laugh and put down fingers, the redhead
girl next to Joe leans over and whispers to him.
                                                            
                       SHANA
Maybe we can change that.
                                                            
Joe sits back in disbelief as the girl gets up and walks
towards a bedroom. She turns around and winks at Joe who
stands up and follows her.
                                                            
 

87.

INT. JENNYíS BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Dan and Jenny sit on the bed making out. Dan stops
momentarily.
                                                            
                       DAN
Listen, my friend Joe just got out
of a really long miserable
relationship, and the whole reason
we brought him up tonight is so
that he could meet girls so he can
get over his ex. What do you think
his chances are tonight?
                                                            
                       JENNY
This house is filled with girls.
Every one of these girls is hot,
single, horny, and has been
downing tequila all night. You do
the math.
                                                            
                       DAN
One more question.
                                                            
                       JENNY
What's that?
                                                            
                       DAN
What are my chances tonight.
                                                            
Jenny smiles and immediately takes off her shirt.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNYíS HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Everyone is still sitting in the living room. From the other
bedroom Dan let's out a huge scream.
                                                            
                       DAN
      (from the bedroom)
YEAH BABY!!!
                                                            
Gerry, Nate, and Chad exchange glances.
                                                            
                       NATE
That was a happy noise right?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Yeah, I think so.
                                                            
Gerry lean over to the girl next to him, JANE.
                                                            

88.

                       GERRY
You know, I have an idea about a
bra made from memory foam. What do
you think?
                                                            
                       JANE
Was that some kind of pick up
line?
                                                            
Gerry stumbles over his words.
                                                            
                       GERRY
W... I, think... Yes?
                                                            
Jane shakes her head and leaves the couch. He leans back
over to Nate and Chad.
                                                            
                       NATE
I hope Joe doesn't screw this one
up.
                                                            
Chad rhymes again.
                                                            
                       CHAD
He's fine. I bet he's putting our
GAME to SHAME.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I don't know, I worry about him.
                                                            
                       NATE
He better not be showing her those
pictures of Laura he has in his
wallet.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNYíS HOUSE - SECOND BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Joe sits on the bed with Shana. He has his wallet out and is
going through his pictures. The girl is playing with her
hair, clearly uninterested and pissed.
                                                            
                       JOE
This is us in Boston.
                                                            
Joe hands her a picture and she rolls her eyes.
                                                            
                       JOE
I took her to Fanuel Hall on her
birthday and got her a
Build-A-Beard.
                                                            

89.

                       SHANA
      (sarcastically)
That's great.
                                                            
He hands her another picture.
                                                            
                       JOE
And this one is when I took her
out in Maine on my dad's boat for
the weekend.
                                                            
                       SHANA
Are you guys waterboarding?
                                                            
                       JOE
No we're wake boarding... Water
boarding is a type of torture they
use in Guantanamo Bay.
                                                            
                       SHANA
      (sarcastically)
Looks like you guys had a lot of
fun.
                                                            
Joe laughs.
                                                            
                       JOE
      (lovingly)
Yeah, we did.
      (angrily)
That fucking whore. She cheated on
me for three months. I hope she
gets Chlamydia and dies.
                                                            
Shana puts her hand on Joe's leg.
                                                            
                       SHANA
Listen, I don't know anything
about you, but you seem like a
nice guy and nice guys don't
deserve that.
                                                            
                       JOE
I don't know. Maybe there was
something...
                                                            
Shana takes her hand off Joe's leg and looks extremely
livid.
                                                            
                       JOE
...I could have done to make her
stay. Maybe I drove her to...
                                                            

90.

                       SHANA
      (interrupts)
Listen, I don't really give a
shit, ok? I brought you in here
because I wanted some action and I
figured you'd be easy. I'm drunk,
horny, I'm pretty fucking hot, and
I'm throwing myself at you! Either
you make a move on me right now,
or I'm out of here.
                                                            
Joe looks her in the eyes for a moment and gently smiles.
                                                            
                       JOE
You remind me of how Laura used to
yell at me.
                                                            
She stands up and storms towards the door.
                                                            
                       SHANA
You're such a pussy.
                                                            
                       JOE
No wait... I'm sorry, you're
right... You're too hot to blow
off.
                                                            
The girl smiles menacingly and runs and jumps on Joe.
                                                            
 
INT. JENNYíS HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Everyone is still partying in the main area.

All of a sudden, cops barge into the house through the front
door and everyone runs in a frenzy.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNYíS YARD - NIGHT
                                                            
Chad, Nate, and Gerry all meet outside and hide by a row of
bushes in the dark. Joe runs towards them from around the
back of the house moments later. Dan jumps out of a first
floor window several seconds later and falls hard on the
ground. He is wearing only boxer shorts.
                                                            
                       NATE
      (whispered yell)
Dan! Over here!
                                                            
Dan runs over to them and hides behind the bushes.
                                                            

91.

                       DAN
What the fuck just happened!?
                                                            
A flashlight shines on them as a cop approaches the bushes.
                                                            
                       COP
Hey! Get over here now!
                                                            
                       GERRY
Fuck!
                                                            
The guys all turn and immediately bolt down the street.
                                                            
 
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
                                                            
A ways down the street the guys all stop to catch their
breath.
                                                            
                       NATE
What the fuck was that?
                                                            
                       GERRY
That was insane, they just swarmed
the place.
                                                            
                       JOE
Why the fuck did the cops come?
                                                            
                       CHAD
That fucking house, man. They've
has been under drug watch for
months. Buncha idiots.
                                                            
The rest of the group pause briefly thinking about what Chad
just said.
                                                            
                       NATE
Wait, you knew them?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Well, I mean I don't know them but
I knew of them. Everyone on campus
knows that that house is the drug
capital of UMASS.
                                                            
                       DAN
You took us to a party in a
fucking crack den!?
                                                            

92.

                       CHAD
Well technically THEY took us
there... I just didn't INFORM you
that it was a crack den.
                                                            
                       JOE
That's so messed up.
                                                            
                       GERRY
I probably sat on a fucking
hypodermic needle or something!
What if I have AIDS!?
                                                            
                       CHAD
Easy! You guys said you wanted
girls. There were girls there...
they just happened to be tweakers
and meth heads. It's like they
say, if you want the DRUGS, you
have to look for the UGGS...
because they're all, they're all
girls, and Uggs are very popular
accessories for girls...
                                                            
                       DAN
      (interrupts)
I don't know what you're saying,
but does anyone have an undershirt
I can borrow? I'm fucking
freezing. My nipples could cut
diamonds.
                                                            
Joe looks down at Dan's crotch.
                                                            
                       JOE
Dude, do you still have a boner?
                                                            
Dan looks down and then back at Joe.
                                                            
                       DAN
It's dissipating.
                                                            
                       GERRY
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I
left my wallet in the house!
                                                            
                       JOE
You have to be kidding me.
                                                            
                       NATE
What do we do?
                                                            

93.

                       GERRY
We have to go back and get the
thing!
                                                            
                       JOE
Are you insane?
                                                            
                       DAN
All my clothes are in there too. I
can't walk around the rest of the
night dressed like a chippendale.
                                                            
                       NATE
I left my backpack with all our
booze there too.
                                                            
                       CHAD
And I'm pretty sure I left my my
dignity somewhere in the house.
                                                            
                       JOE
So what's the plan? We go back and
ask the cops if we can search the
house real quick?
                                                            
                       NATE
We'll go back, wait for the cops
to leave, and then grab our shit.
                                                            
Dan starts walking back.
                                                            
                       DAN
Let's just go before I lose
feeling in my balls.
                                                            
 
EXT. JENNYíS HOUSE - NIGHT
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