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Nobody's Perfect
by Rick McCormick (rickmick_99@yahoo.com)

Rated: PG-13   Genre: Comedy   User Review: ***
After her dreams of being an Olympic gymnast are dashed, a teenager joins the family business and becomes a burglar.


This screenplay is copyrighted to its author. All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express written permission of the author.



FADE IN:

EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Moonlight splashes onto TWO FIGURES dressed in black from
head to toe. The two figures sneak up the driveway.
                                                            
The figures enter through a side yard gate. One SLAMS their
leg into a meter box. The figure writhes in pain while the
other uses a hand to cover the injured partner's mouth.
                                                            
They slip in through a side garage door which makes a LOUD
CREAK. They freeze, then continue on.
                                                            
GARAGE
                                                            
The moonlight in the doorway frames the two figures as they
creep toward a door connected to the home.
                                                            
One of the figures trips over a fallen bike. The figure
grabs his leg and hops up and down. The other figure covers
the injured partner's mouth.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
The two figures slither upstairs. One signals to the other
to go to the master bedroom, then creeps to the end of the
hallway toward a door.
                                                            
The figure turns the doorknob and slowly opens the door.
                                                            
BRENDA'S BEDROOM
                                                            
The walls are covered with action posters of Olympic
gymnasts Nadia Comaneci, Olga Korbut, and Mary Lou Retton.
                                                            
Moonlight shines on BRENDA JOHNSON (10), athletic,
despondent, who sleeps soundly with half her face on her
pillow.
                                                            
The figure creeps toward Brenda, leans down, and kisses
Brenda on the cheek. Brenda turns her head exposing a
large, red birthmark which covers nearly half of her face.
The figure stares at Brenda, then exits quietly.
                                                            
MASTER BEDROOM
                                                            
The figure enters and disrobes. It's Brenda's mother,
BARBARA JOHNSON (37), statuesque, lots of moles. Her
husband NORM JOHNSON, (40), short, tends to his bloody leg.
                                                            

2.

MASTER BATHROOM
                                                            
The medicine cabinet is loaded with prescription bottles.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
How many times have I told you to
oil that door?
                                                            
Barbara pops a pill into her mouth and takes a sip of water.
                                                            
                       NORM (O.S.)
Yes, dear. How's Brenda?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Sound asleep.
                                                            
MASTER BEDROOM
                                                            
Barbara slips into a nightgown and hops into bed. She claps
her hands and the lights go off.
                                                            
                       NORM
Night, hon.
                                                            
BRENDA'S ROOM
                                                            
The L.E.D. numbers on her bedside alarm clock read "5:29."
The number changes to "5:30." Pop music PLAYS. Brenda
presses a button on the the alarm clock. The music stops.
                                                            
She grabs a corner of the covers, slides out of bed, and
sets the corner back down like the bed had never been slept
in.
                                                            
A Bride magazine and Ken doll are on the night stand. She
kisses the Ken doll.
                                                            
Brenda looks up at a bride and groom wedding cake topper on
her dresser. Painted on the bride is a red birthmark
similar to Brenda's. Under the wedding cake topper is a
sign in Brenda's print which reads: KEN & BRENDA.
                                                            
Brenda blows a kiss at the groom.
                                                            
KITCHEN
                                                            
A small hand removes a sharp knife from a drawer overflowing
with different makes and designs of silverware. Brenda cuts
a lemon in half.
                                                            

3.

BATHROOM
                                                            
The SOUND of someone brushing their teeth. The sound stops.
GARGLE. SWISH. SPIT.
                                                            
Taped to the mirror is a To Do list which reads: Push ups,
Sit-ups, Jump Rope, Run, Roof Obstacle Course.
                                                            
A small hand places the toothbrush in its holder. Brenda
stares at her huge, red birthmark in the mirror.
                                                            
Brenda rubs a lemon half on her birthmark. She rinses and
pat dries her face with a towel. She examines her birthmark
in the mirror. Her eyes well with tears.
                                                            
 
EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GYM - DAY
                                                            
The school is a ghost town. Brenda hops off her bike and
locks it to a bike rack.
                                                            
Brenda uses a key to unlock the gym door.
                                                            
 
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL GYM - DAY
                                                            
The gymnasium contains every line of gymnastics equipment
including a balance beam, pommel horse, uneven bars, and
parallel bars. Brenda stretches against the balance beam.
                                                            
Her coach, TATYANA, (50), athletic, large nose, enters.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
Good morning, Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Good morning, Tatyana.
                                                            
Brenda hops up onto the balance beam. She moves gracefully.
                                                            
 
INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY
                                                            
Brenda walks alone with her schoolbooks in hand. Students
snicker as she walks by. STUDENT (6), red hair, freckles,
sees Brenda.
                                                            
                       STUDENT
Did you spill grape juice on your
face?
                                                            
Other kids laugh. Brenda runs off crying.
                                                            
 

4.

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda ties her running shoes. She blows a kiss at the
bridegroom cake topper.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda exits her bedroom window and steps out onto the roof
like a hundred times before. She runs between roof vents
and vent pipes like an obstacle course.
                                                            
NEIGHBOR (70), concerned, obese, sees Brenda as he waddles
along the sidewalk.
                                                            
                       NEIGHBOR
Do your parents know you do this?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
They want me up here.
                                                            
                       NEIGHBOR
Why?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
They want me used to high places
for gymnastics.
                                                            
The baffled neighbor continues on.
                                                            
CLANGING SOUND. Brenda smiles when she sees a small car
dragging cans. "JUST MARRIED" is on the rear window.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
BRENDA'S ROOM
                                                            
Posters of Olympic gymnasts Shawn Johnson, Nastia Liukin,
and male gymnasts, including U.S. gymnast Paul Hamm,
decorate the walls.
                                                            
There are several "BRIDE" magazines on the nightstand. The
bedside alarm clock reads "3:55." The clock changes to
"3:56." Rock music PLAYS. Without looking, Brenda (18),
slaps a button on the clock and the music stops.
                                                            
In one motion, Brenda grabs a corner of the covers, slides
out of bed, and sets the corner back down. Her tone figure
glides toward the dresser.
                                                            

5.

The bride on the wedding cake topper no longer has a large
birthmark. The sign under the cake topper, in Brenda's
handwriting, reads: RYAN & BRENDA.
                                                            
Like a thousand times before, Brenda blows a kiss at the
cake topper.
                                                            
BATHROOM
                                                            
Brenda rinses and pat dries her face. She looks in the
mirror. She turns off the light and leaves.
                                                            
 
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda hides cover up compacts under the mats near the
balance beam, the pommel horse, and the parallel bars. An
Olympic flag is on a wall behind her.
                                                            
Brenda stretches against the pommel horse. Tatyana enters.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
One day closer to Brazil.
                                                            
Tatyana SINGS the Olympic tune.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
Dun, dun, da dun dun dun dun...
                                                            
Brenda laughs.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
The gym clock reads "7:45." BANGING on the gym door.
Tatyana watches Brenda spring off the balance beam and run
for a towel.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
When are you going to be
comfortable in your own skin?
                                                            
Brenda pat dries her face. She grabs a compact from under a
mat.
                                                            
Tatyana strolls to the door and waits for Brenda to apply
makeup to her birthmark. More POUNDING.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
Everyone has flaws.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Not like mine.
                                                            

6.

Brenda finishes applying the makeup and signals Tatyana who
opens the gym door. Several boys, including RYAN BARKER
(18), athletic, emo hairstyle concealing an eye, pour into
the gym dribbling basketballs.
                                                            
Ryan hustles toward Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Hi, Ryan.
                                                            
                       RYAN
How was practice?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Great.
                                                            
They walk toward an exit.
                                                            
 
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY
                                                            
Brenda sees students hug and kiss. She walks past in her
ratty sweats with her duffel bag over her shoulder.
                                                            
Brenda hears cars HONKING. She looks across the street at a
church. Well-wishers shower a bride and groom with rice.
                                                            
Brenda smiles warmly as the bride and groom get into a
limousine.
                                                            
 
INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY
                                                            
Coach Tatyana enters with COACH JIM BENSON (40), effeminate
walk. Coach Jim wears white slacks and a white sweater with
"U.S.A" embroidered across the chest.
                                                            
Coach Jim and Coach Tatyana observe Brenda doing her
workout.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
How someone looks shouldn't
matter.
                                                            
                       COACH JIM
Don't tell me. Tell the scorers.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
She'll hide it with makeup.
                                                            
                       COACH JIM
What if it wears off?
                                                            

7.

                       TATYANA
She's given her life to this.
                                                            
                       COACH JIM
I'm sorry, Tatyana. We wanted to
send her, but the competition from
China won't allow us.
                                                            
Coach Jim heads for the exit. The clock reads: 7:45 a.m.
                                                            
Coach Jim pushes the door open. Brenda watches in horror as
Ryan and other boys burst inside before she can react.
Brenda falls awkwardly off the uneven bars.
                                                            
She holds her ankle as she writhes in pain on the floor.
Tatyana and Ryan run to Brenda.
                                                            
                       TATYANA
Brenda!
                                                            
Brenda stretches for her bag, but can't reach it.
                                                            
Tatyana reaches Brenda before Ryan. She yanks a towel from
Brenda's duffel bag and tosses it to Brenda. Brenda hides
her birthmark with the towel just before Ryan arrives.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Are you alright?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No.
                                                            
Brenda cries into her towel.
                                                            
 
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
                                                            
The blackboard reads: OFFICER HARRIER - WHY POLICE? OFFICER
HARRIER (50), strong as a grizzly, walks with a limp.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
Thanks to the O.C. Burglar,
break-ins are through the roof. So
I've added something new this
semester.
                                                            
Brenda wears concealer makeup and sits morosely in the back
row with a knee-high cast. There are crutches next to her.
Ryan sits next to Brenda staring goo goo eyed at her.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
I'm going to see if your homes are
burglar-proof. I'll be stopping
by your homes unannounced and see
            (MORE)

8.

                       OFFICER HARRIER (cont'd)
if I can get in.
                                                            
The stunned students look at each other.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
If I can't get in, you'll get an
extra police car ride along. If I
can get in, you'll be taken away
in handcuffs to do community
service.
                                                            
Officer Harrier passes out a paper to the students. A bell
RINGS.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
I need your parents to fill out
these permission slips, so I don't
get sued or shot for breaking and
entering.
                                                            
The students SKID the legs of their chairs. Ryan tries to
help Brenda with her crutches.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can do it.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Sorry about your ankle, Brenda.
                                                            
Ryan sees her moist eyes. He comforts her.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What am I going to do now?
                                                            
                       RYAN
You'll find something.
                                                            
 
EXT. HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
The backyard is a carnival atmosphere with cake, balloons,
and games. Kids laugh and run around. A morose Brenda,
dressed in a bright clown outfit, makes balloon animals.
                                                            
Brenda sees a two by four on the ground. She attempts to
walk across it like it were a balance beam. She loses her
balance and falls off. She tries again, but falls off.
                                                            
 

9.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Norm and Barbara, dressed completely in black, cruise a
residential street.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Okay, slow down. Park in front of
that house.
                                                            
The car pulls to the curb.
                                                            
                       NORM
How'd you find this one?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's the Anderson's.
                                                            
                       NORM
Your best friend, Barbara?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Who cares? They won't be back till
Sunday.
                                                            
                       NORM
Okay.
                                                            
A neighbor walks a dog on the sidewalk.
                                                            
                       NORM
What about their dog?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Bullwinkle? Nobody leaves a dog
alone for a week.
                                                            
 
EXT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Norm and Barbara put on their gloves and masks as they
slither toward a side fence.
                                                            
Paul tries unsuccessfully to pull himself onto the fence.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Here you go, Spiderman.
                                                            
Barbara interlocks her fingers and gives Norm a boost.
                                                            
                       NORM
Why couldn't we have regular jobs
with 401Ks?
                                                            

10.

Norm manages to get onto the fence. He crawls up the roof.
                                                            
Norm slips on a loose shingle and slides down the roof. His
shoes hit the rain gutter which keeps him from falling off.
                                                            
Norm crawls back up the roof. He slides a window open. He
steps on the window sill, loses his balance, and falls in.
CRASH.
                                                            
 
INT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Bullwinkle, a giant Rottweiler, sleeps surrounded by several
giant weekend feeders and water canisters. Bullwinkle wakes
up.
                                                            
Norm picks himself up off the floor.
                                                            
Norm walks down the stairs. He stops on a dime. Bullwinkle
SNARLS at Norm from the bottom of the stairs. His teeth
sparkle in the moonlight. Norm races up the stairs with
Bullwinkle in hot pursuit.
                                                            
BEDROOM
                                                            
Norm races in and tries to slam the door, but Bullwinkle
gets his head and shoulders in the room.
                                                            
Norm leans in to the door with all his might as Bullwinkle
BARKS and GNASHES his teeth.
                                                            
Norm dashes for the open window.
                                                            
 
EXT. ANDERSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Barbara HEARS all the NOISE and looks up at the window.
                                                            
Norm dives through the window. He slides headfirst down the
roof and dives off into bushes. A livid Bullwinkle BARKS
out the window.
                                                            
                       NORM
When are we going to bring Brenda
on board?
                                                            
Neighbors' houselights come on. Barbara helps Norm up.
                                                            
                       NORM
I hate my job.
                                                            
The two leave quickly.
                                                            
 

11.

EXT. PRISON - DAY
                                                            
A tall fence topped with ample barbed wire surrounds the
concrete structure. JENNY (45), weightlifter body, is
released out a prison gate.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Non-matching furniture overflows throughout. Brenda,
Barbara, and Norm enjoy breakfast.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Aunt Jenny is going to stay with
us awhile.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I haven't seen her in a long time.
Where's she been?
                                                            
Norm and Barbara exchange nervous looks.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Oh, out east.
                                                            
                       NORM
In a gated community.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Wow! She must be rich. What's she
been up to?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Absolutely nothing.
                                                            
                       NORM
She doesn't get out much.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
She's been kind of stuck in one
place.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Does she have a boyfriend?
                                                            
                       NORM
      (and Barbara at
       the same time)
No.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
That's too bad.
                                                            

12.

The doorbell CHIMES.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
There she is.
                                                            
Brenda runs to the door. She checks her face in the front
hall mirror. She opens the door.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Hi, Aunt Jenny!
                                                            
                       JENNY
Brenda!
                                                            
Jenny hops through the threshold holding only a clasp
envelope. She puts a bear hug on Brenda. Brenda's makeup
smears on Jenny's shoulder exposing her birthmark.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Look how big you are!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Come on in.
                                                            
Brenda looks around the front doorstep.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Where's your luggage?
                                                            
Jenny holds up the clasp envelope.
                                                            
                       JENNY
This is all I had when they--
                                                            
Barbara shakes her head at Jenny.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Brenda, get something for Aunt
Jenny to drink.
                                                            
Brenda heads to the kitchen.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You didn't tell her?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
No, we didn't tell her her aunt
was a jailbird.
                                                            
                       JENNY
I'm taking the master bedroom.
                                                            

13.

                       BARBARA
No, you're not.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Oh, yes I am. Who took the fall
for you so Brenda wouldn't end up
in a foster home?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
But--
                                                            
                       JENNY
You're the ones that set off the
alarm and drove off without me.
                                                            
Brenda returns with a drink. Barbara, Norm, and Jenny try
to act normal.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda eats cereal in the dark. Moonlight reflects off the
kitchen countertop and appliances.
                                                            
Brenda HEARS a SOUND. She sees a figure dressed in black at
the front door. Brenda slides a large knife out of a knife
block. She crouches nervously in the shadows.
                                                            
The figure enters carrying a skinny, black bag. The figure
creeps towards Brenda. The figure passes inches by Brenda
who raises her knife.
                                                            
The figure opens the dishwasher and turns the black bag
upside down. Two forks DROP into the dishwasher.
                                                            
Jenny takes off her ski mask. She turns on the lights.
Jenny sees Brenda holding a knife and SCREAMS. Brenda
SCREAMS and drops the knife.
                                                            
Stickler bushes protrude from Jenny's clothes.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       JENNY
I'm doing the dishes.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
At this hour?
                                                            

14.

COMPUTER ROOM
                                                            
It's cramped and doubles as a storage room. Norm and
Barbara sleep on a worn, lumpy hide-a-bed. They wake up.
                                                            
                       BRENDA (O.S.)
The dishwasher isn't even full.
                                                            
                       NORM
Uh-oh.
                                                            
Norm and Barbara struggle to hurry off the uneven bed.
                                                            
                       JENNY (O.S.)
What are you doing?
                                                            
                       BRENDA (O.S.)
Eating cereal. Couldn't you hear
the snap, crackle, and pop?
                                                            
HALLWAY
                                                            
Norm and Barbara hustle downstairs in their pajamas.
                                                            
                       JENNY
It's nothing. Brenda thought I was
a burglar.
                                                            
Brenda gawks at Jenny dressed in black from head to toe and
holding her black loot bag.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Oh, my gosh! You are a burglar!
                                                            
                       NORM
Watch it, young lady. That's your
aunt you're talking to.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Look how she's dressed!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Aunt Jenny, are you a burglar?
                                                            
Jenny shakes her head.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
See? Let's all go back to bed.
                                                            
Barbara tries to hustle Brenda upstairs. Brenda's not buying
it.
                                                            

15.

                       BRENDA
You are a burglar.
                                                            
                       NORM
Aunt Jenny, is this true?
                                                            
Jenny nods.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Well, we always knew she was a
little off. We'll get her some
therapy in the morning.
                                                            
                       NORM
What a cool job! Maybe Brenda
would like to be a burglar.
                                                            
Brenda gazes into each of their guilty eyes.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Oh, my gosh! You're all burglars!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Don't be ridiculous.
                                                            
                       NORM
She knows, Barbara. Now we can
finally retire.
                                                            
                       JENNY
We're not just any burglars; we're
cat burglars.
                                                            
                       NORM
Meow.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Why?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's in our blood.
                                                            
                       NORM
We agreed, if you ever found out,
we'd, we'd--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Get honest jobs?
                                                            
                       JENNY
No, see if you'd like to join us.
                                                            

16.

                       BRENDA
You've gotta be kidding! I can't
go into other people's houses!
                                                            
Brenda strides off. The three follow.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's easy. You go in, stuff your
bags, and leave.
                                                            
                       NORM
      (To Barbara)
Easy for you. You're the lookout.
                                                            
                       JENNY
It's like a shopping spree.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We can't do it anymore because...
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Because?
                                                            
                       NORM
Because we've been arrested.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Several times.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Oh, my gosh!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
If we get arrested again, we'll be
put away for a long time!
                                                            
                       NORM
They keep threatening us, Barbara,
but they never do anything.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
The judge sounded pretty serious
last time. He threw your Aunt
Jenny in the slammer.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You've been to prison?
                                                            
                       JENNY
The last three years.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Why didn't you tell me?
                                                            

17.

                       BARBARA
We had to gain your trust.
                                                            
                       NORM
If I go to prison, who'll give you
away at your wedding?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
If I get arrested, you won't have
to worry about giving me away.
                                                            
Barbara leans in to Norm.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
No one's gonna marry her.
                                                            
                       NORM
Good. We'll save on the wedding
expense.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Why do you think we put you
through gymnastics?
                                                            
                       NORM
To prepare you for burglaries.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
That was smart of us to be
thinking ahead, wasn't it?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't believe this!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
You'll be wearing a mask, so no
one will see your birthmark.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You'll save a ton on makeup.
                                                            
                       NORM
Don't let this opportunity of a
lifetime pass you by.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't do it!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Sure you can.
                                                            

18.

                       NORM
We'll put you through the Johnson
School of Burglary.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
You'll have it down in no time.
                                                            
 
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda stands in the checkout line dressed from head to toe
in a black burqa. She holds a drink with a straw. She tries
to sip her drink, but the burqa has no opening for her
mouth. She pushes the straw down one of the eye openings.
                                                            
Brenda sees Ryan enter. She hurriedly pays the cashier and
makes her way to the exit. She knocks over a display. She
exits.
                                                            
 
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda pumps gas while she keeps an eye on the front doors.
                                                            
Brenda sees Ryan exit. She ducks behind the pumping
station. Ryan heads her way.
                                                            
Ryan pumps gas on the other side of the pumping station. He
notices Brenda's car.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Brenda? It's Ryan Barker.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Oh, hi Ryan. How've you been?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Great!
                                                            
Brenda has trouble putting the nozzle back as she can't see
through the burqa. Ryan helps her put the nozzle back.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I've been wondering what you've
been up to.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Not a lot. You seeing anyone?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Actually, no. You?
                                                            

19.

                       RYAN
No. Let's catch up sometime?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I'd like that. I'm at the same
place.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda is dressed in a jogging outfit.
                                                            
Brenda is drawn to several fashion magazines on the coffee
table. She picks up a magazine and stares at the beautiful
fashion model on the cover. She SLAMS the magazine down on
its cover. She turns over all the magazines.
                                                            
Brenda pulls her sweatshirt hood over her head. She turns
off the front porch light. She pokes her head out the front
door and leaves.
                                                            
 
INT. WHITE HONDA - DAY
                                                            
ROB ROBINSON (37), long, deep scar on cheek, wears gloves as
he wipes down the steering wheel and interior with a cloth.
                                                            
Rob pulls a ski mask down over his face and grabs a handgun
off the front passenger seat. He exits.
                                                            
 
INT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Rob storms in brandishing the handgun.
                                                            
                       ROB
This is a robbery!
                                                            
People SCREAM. Rob hustles to a teller's window and tosses
a canvas bag over the counter.
                                                            
                       ROB
All the money! Let's go! Now!
                                                            
The frightened teller loads the bag with bills. She slides
the bag to Rob who scrambles for the exit.
                                                            
 
EXT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Rob dashes from the bank, hops in the Honda, and BURNS
RUBBER.
                                                            
 

20.

INT. WHITE HONDA - DAY
                                                            
Rob races down a residential street.
                                                            
Rob SKIDS to a stop behind a black Nissan. He wipes down
the steering wheel. He springs from the car with the loot
bag and a brown bag.
                                                            
 
INT. BLACK NISSAN - DAY
                                                            
Rob hops in and drives off. He checks his mirrors.
                                                            
 
EXT. MISS JOPLIN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Rob quietly exits his car with the loot bags and sneaks his
way toward the side of the house. MISS JOPLIN, (80),
petite, frail, waters flowers with her back to Rob.
                                                            
                       MISS JOPLIN
How was work, Rob?
                                                            
Rob jumps.
                                                            
                       ROB
Okay.
                                                            
                       MISS JOPLIN
Already fixed up and sold the
Honda?
                                                            
                       ROB
Flipping's the only way to make a
profit.
                                                            
                       MISS JOPLIN
Then you have the rent.
                                                            
                       ROB
Uh...yeah...sure.
                                                            
Rob opens a loot bag and hands her some bills. He hurries
off.
                                                            
                       MISS JOPLIN
And last month's.
                                                            
A dour Rob strolls back and hands her more bills.
                                                            
Rob moves slowly along the side of the house and up exterior
stairs to his second story room. Pots of dead plants and
flowers line the stairs.
                                                            

21.

On the other side of the house, a jovial Ryan skips down his
stairs. Beautiful plants and flowers adorn his stairs.
                                                            
Ryan strides over to Miss Joplin.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Good morning, Miss Joplin. Here's
the rent.
                                                            
He hands her a check.
                                                            
                       MISS JOPLIN
Thank you, Ryan.
                                                            
                       RYAN
The garden looks beautiful!
                                                            
Ryan jumps into his car and drives off.
                                                            
 
INT. RYAN'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Ryan slows as he nears Brenda's house. The garage door is
open. He sees BOY ON A BICYCLE (8), thick eyeglasses, on
the driveway. Ryan pulls to the curb across the street.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON GARAGE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda looks in a mirror as she puts concealer over her
birthmark. She is oblivious to Boy On A Bicycle who watches
her.
                                                            
Brenda is surprised when she sees Boy On A Bicycle. She
quickly hides her makeup.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
How long have you been there?
                                                            
                       BOY ON A BICYCLE
About a minute.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
If you don't ever tell anyone,
I'll let you keep the change.
                                                            
Brenda holds out a bill.
                                                            
                       BOY ON A BICYCLE
Deal!
                                                            
Boy On A Bicycle snatches the bill and rides off.
                                                            

22.

Ryan springs from his car.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Brenda!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Shoot.
                                                            
Ryan runs across the street.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Just a sec, Ryan!
                                                            
She zips into her house. Ryan waits on the driveway.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda hustles into a bathroom. She quickly finishes
covering up her birthmark.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda and Ryan shoot baskets on the driveway.
                                                            
Boy On The Bicycle returns with a plastic bag over his
handlebars. He's surprised by Brenda's new face.
                                                            
                       BOY ON A BICYCLE
Hey! You don't have--
                                                            
Brenda covers Boy On A Bicycle's mouth and yanks the plastic
bag from him.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Thanks for coming!
                                                            
She hurries the boy off.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Ready to hit the beach?
                                                            
 
EXT. BEACH - DAY
                                                            
Brenda waits for Ryan to lay out his towel. She walks
around to the other side of Ryan so that her birthmark side
faces away from Ryan. She lays out her towel and lies down.
                                                            

23.

LATER
                                                            
Brenda checks her face in a mirror. She sees Ryan approach
from the ocean dripping wet. She quickly puts her mirror
away.
                                                            
                       RYAN
You going in?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No.
                                                            
Ryan lies down on his towel. Brenda scans the crowd of
beachgoers.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Have you ever wondered how many
people are criminals?
                                                            
Ryan looks at her funny.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I mean real criminals like
murderers, robbers, and thieves?
They'd never tell us to our face,
but they're out there, right?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Sometimes, like when I'm at a
concert or Angel game, and there's
lots of people around. You okay?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda, Jenny, Norm, and Barbara exit. Brenda checks her
face in a compact mirror.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
They pass their unkempt, next-door neighbor's house, which
trips a motion sensor and lights the driveway.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We know the Clarks don't have
anything worth taking.
                                                            

24.

                       NORM
      (To Brenda)
You don't want any motion sensor
lights or Beware of Dog signs.
                                                            
The next house has a "Beware of Dog" sign on the front gate.
A light comes on as the four stroll past the house. A lawn
sign reads: PROTECTED BY RJM, INC. A large dog zips up to
the gate and lets out deep, frightening BARKS.
                                                            
The next house has dog bowls.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Most really do have dogs, but some
don't.
                                                            
Jenny places a dog biscuit inconspicuously just inside the
front gate.
                                                            
                       JENNY
We'll see if it's there tomorrow.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's a game the homeowners play
with us.
                                                            
                       NORM
If you see any bowls or bones,
keep moving.
                                                            
                       JENNY
If you see a protected by sign--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Keep moving.
                                                            
A taxi idles in front of the next house. Old newspapers
blanket the driveway. Thick shrubbery conceals windows.
Marilyn Monroe statues guard the front door.
                                                            
DAVE (40), NFL offensive lineman body, wears a tired suit as
he exits the front gate.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Hi, Johnsons!
                                                            
                       NORM
Where are you off to this time,
Dave?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Paris.
                                                            

25.

                       NORM
When will you be back?
                                                            
                       DAVE
Saturday.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What time?
                                                            
                       DAVE
About four.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We'll watch it for you.
                                                            
                       DAVE
Thanks, but there's really nothing
left to watch.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
      (Norm and Jenny
       together)
We know.
                                                            
Dave hops into the taxi. The taxi leaves.
                                                            
Norm looks at all the old newspapers on the driveway.
                                                            
                       NORM
I've told him a million times.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Maybe that's why he's had so many
burglaries.
                                                            
Barbara, Norm, and Jenny try to keep from laughing.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You guys?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We've tried to warn him.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Some people never learn.
                                                            
Brenda can't believe what she's hearing.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Your own neighbor?
                                                            

26.

                       BARBARA
His money's as green as the next
guy's.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Get used to it.
                                                            
                       NORM
Your mom will have you burgle your
best friend's house in no time.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Burgle?
                                                            
                       NORM
That's the correct terminology.
                                                            
They scan Dave's house.
                                                            
                       NORM
It screams come and get me.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's known as a laydown in the
industry.
                                                            
                       NORM
Now it's a skeleton.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Means it's empty on the inside.
Same Marilyn Monroe combo on the
safe?
                                                            
                       NORM
Thirty-six, twenty-three,
thirty-six.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Sometimes, when our cupboards get
bare, we come over and pick up a
few things.
                                                            
                       NORM
Saves us time from driving to the
store.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
That's what we call Dave's...the
store.
                                                            

27.

                       NORM
Be right back, hon. Just going to
Dave's Market.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Alright, pick me up some ice
cream.
                                                            
Norm, Barbara, and Jenny laugh.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We're out of milk and eggs.
                                                            
                       NORM
Alright, I'll go to Dave's.
                                                            
He takes a couple steps toward Dave's house.
                                                            
                       NORM
I think I'll grab some beer.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Then you do it.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't.
                                                            
They throw a guilt trip on Brenda.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Then I guess your dad, aunt, and I
will have to hit some homes and
hope we don't get caught.
                                                            
                       NORM
Thrown in jail with all those bad
criminals.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Just do it. You got almost a week
before Dave gets back.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I don't have any gloves.
                                                            
Norm whips out a pair of gloves from his back pocket.
                                                            
                       NORM
Never leave home without 'em.
                                                            

28.

Norm points at a window.
                                                            
                       NORM
Push in the center of that window
and slide it open.
                                                            
Brenda stares at the gloves.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Pick up some ice cream for your
Aunt Jenny and me.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Chocolate.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Butter pecan.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Do you want paper or plastic?
                                                            
Brenda takes the gloves from Norm and tiptoes toward the
house.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Slowest burglary on record.
                                                            
                       NORM
      (To Brenda)
You can't frighten the house.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Think she'll finish before he gets
back?
                                                            
Brenda pushes the window in and slides it open. She climbs
up onto the window sill and looks back. She loses her
balance, and falls in. CRASH!
                                                            
Dave's taxi pulls to the curb. Dave hustles out of the taxi
past Norm, Barbara, and Jenny.
                                                            
                       DAVE
I knew it!
                                                            
Dave unlocks the front door and disappears inside. Norm,
Barbara, and Jenny stare at Dave's front door in horror.
                                                            
                       DAVE (O.S.)
There you are!
                                                            
Dave reappears, locks the front door, and races past Norm,
Barbara, and Jenny.
                                                            

29.

                       DAVE
Forgot my passport! You're the
best house watchers.
                                                            
Dave hops into his taxi. The taxi leaves.
                                                            
Brenda hops out the window and slides the window shut. She
hustles to the others, doubles over, and GASPS for air.
                                                            
                       NORM
So, what'd you think?
                                                            
Brenda gives Norm an "Are you kidding?" look. She hands him
two beers, and Barbara and Jenny each a pint of ice cream
and a plastic spoon.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
He didn't have any silverware.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's at our house.
                                                            
                       NORM
Told you, it's a skeleton.
                                                            
Barbara sees Jenny's ice cream flavor. She quickly switches
pints with Jenny.
                                                            
They stroll along drinking beer and eating ice cream. Norm
eyes a house with a large TV box protruding from a trash
can.
                                                            
                       NORM
Jacksons got some new inventory.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Another neighbor!
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
                                                            
Ryan slides a tray of food through a slot to PRISONER ONE
(30), missing teeth.
                                                            
                       PRISONER ONE
Thanks, Ryan.
                                                            
                       RYAN
My pleasure.
                                                            
Ryan moves a cart to the next cell and hands PRISONER TWO
(30), short, gentle, fresh sheets and a blanket through the
cell bars.
                                                            

30.

                       PRISONER TWO
Can I have an extra blanket, Ryan?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Sure.
                                                            
Ryan hands Prisoner Two a blanket between the bars.
                                                            
                       PRISONER TWO
Thanks, Ryan.
                                                            
                       RYAN
You're welcome.
                                                            
Officer Harrier sits at a desk where a name plate reads:
DETECTIVE HARRIER. He scours a file labeled: O.C. BANK
ROBBER. Ryan approaches.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Anything new on the O.C. Bank
Robber or O.C. Burglar?
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
Nope. You still wanna be a
detective?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Yes, sir!
                                                            
Ryan eagerly accepts the file from Detective Harrier. He
thumbs through the file.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda is surrounded by boxes of black pants, black shirts,
black shoes, and black gloves. She tries on black sneakers
as Norm, Barbara, and Jenny look on.
                                                            
                       JENNY
No one will hear you in those.
                                                            
Barbara hands a black ski mask to Brenda.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
This was Grandma Johnson's. She'd
want you to have it.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Grandma was a burglar?
                                                            

31.

                       BARBARA
Fifty-seven years and never got
caught.
                                                            
                       NORM
At the end, she could only burgle
places that were wheelchair
accessible.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
If I get caught, I won't be able
to get married and have kids.
                                                            
Barbara puts her arm around Brenda.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Don't sweat the little stuff.
                                                            
                       NORM
If you start thinking about your
future, it'll mess up your work.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Aunt Jenny wants to tell you
something she learned in prison.
                                                            
Jenny paces.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You've got to think when you're in
someone else's house. Ask
yourself, where would they hide
the good stuff?
                                                            
                       NORM
Which direction does the moonlight
come from?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Which entrance and exit is best?
                                                            
                       NORM
You know how you're coming out or
you don't go in. Understand?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You're gonna do fine.
                                                            

32.

                       BARBARA
Aunt Jenny has something else she
wants to say, right Aunt Jenny?
                                                            
Jenny squirms.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You can't have a boyfriend.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Not an honest one.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Why not?
                                                            
                       JENNY
If you break up, he might go to
the cops.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't go out with Ryan?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Only if he's a crook.
                                                            
                       JENNY
That way, you have dirt on him.
                                                            
                       NORM
Has he committed a felony in the
last year?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Ryan? No way. He's the kindest,
most considerate person you'll
ever meet.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Dump him.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
You wouldn't want to ruin a nice
boy like that anyway. Go out with
one who's already ruined.
                                                            
                       JENNY
There's plenty of them.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You mean losers.
                                                            

33.

                       BARBARA
How do you think I got stuck with
Dad?
                                                            
DINING ROOM
                                                            
The place settings are mismatched china and silverware.
Barbara sets a steaming cheese casserole on the table. She
sees Norm and Jenny staring morosely at the casserole.
                                                            
                       NORM
We have to get her trained so we
don't have to eat this anymore.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Oh, hush. We're on stage.
                                                            
Norm and Jenny scatter.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Ready?
                                                            
Jenny hides under the table.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Ready.
                                                            
Norm pops his head out from behind a curtain.
                                                            
                       NORM
Ready.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Brenda! Dinner!
                                                            
Barbara hides behind the other curtain.
                                                            
Brenda enters. She SKIDS the legs of her chair along the
floor which makes a LOUD SCRATCHING SOUND.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Are you kidding me?
                                                            
Barbara, Norm, and Jenny pop out of their hiding places.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You have to be quiet and aware of
your surroundings at all times!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
We're just having dinner.
                                                            

34.

                       BARBARA
I don't care! You're a cat burglar
now.
                                                            
The three surround Brenda.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You gotta use all your senses.
                                                            
                       NORM
Someone could be sleeping on a
couch ten feet from you.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Do you hear their breathing?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Do you smell their perfume?
                                                            
                       JENNY
There's millions of hiding places
right out in the open.
                                                            
Norm turns off the lights. Norm, Barbara, and Aunt Jenny
are silhouetted by the moonlight.
                                                            
                       NORM
You have to blend in.
                                                            
They disappear into shadows.
                                                            
Brenda looks around.
                                                            
The lights come on. All three are standing behind Brenda.
                                                            
The four sit down at the table and eat.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Has anyone ever seen you?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Dad had a little girl walk right
by him to use the bathroom.
                                                            
                       JENNY
She never saw the Grinch.
                                                            
They all laugh but Brenda.
                                                            

35.

                       NORM
It was right out of How The Grinch
Stole Christmas, when The Grinch
stole Little Cindy Lou Who's last
can of plum pudding.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Who hash.
                                                            
                       NORM
Whatever. The trick is don't
move.
                                                            
                       JENNY
People notice movement, so if you
see someone, freeze.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Let's try it. Ready? Freeze.
                                                            
The four come to a stop like wax figures. Brenda holds a
plate of rolls without the slightest movement. No one
blinks an eye.
                                                            
                       NORM
Good.
                                                            
The doorbell RINGS. They see Ryan through the front door
staring at them.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's the good guy! Kill the
lights!
                                                            
Norm springs from his chair and hits a light switch. There
are still some lights on.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Kitchen lights!
                                                            
Norm does a somersault tumble and turns off the kitchen
lights. Brenda sees an astounded look on Ryan's face.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
He sees us.
                                                            
Brenda POUNDS her fist on the table. The Clapper lights
come on. Ryan watches Norm, Barbara, and Jenny race to turn
off more lights.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
He sees us!
                                                            

36.

She SLAMS her fist on the table. The Clapper lights go off.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What am I going to tell him?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Tell him the lights were shorting
out.
                                                            
Brenda CLAPS her hands and the lights come on.
                                                            
Barbara, Norm, and Jenny CLAP their hands. Lights go off.
                                                            
Barbara and Jenny hold back Brenda's arms and cover her
mouth. Complete darkness.
                                                            
They watch Ryan leave.
                                                            
Brenda tries to break lose, but Barbara and Jenny hold on.
                                                            
                       NORM
Tell him we were having dinner and
couldn't be disturbed.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
And we were signaling him with the
lights.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You couldn't be disturbed because
you already are disturbed. He's
not a freak like us.
                                                            
Brenda leaves the table.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
No, but he knows we're freaks.
                                                            
Norm, Barbara, and Jenny eat the casserole while plugging
their noses.
                                                            
 
INT. BRENDA'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Brenda parks in a supermarket parking lot. The windows have
dark limo tint. Brenda looks at her exposed birthmark in
her vanity mirror.
                                                            
She reaches in the back where she has a variety of wigs,
veils, hats, and sunglasses. She picks out a veil. She
holds the veil over her face and looks in the mirror. She
throws the veil in the back.
                                                            

37.

Brenda takes a makeup kit from the glove box. She notices a
BOY collecting shopping carts. She runs the window down an
inch.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Jeremy!
                                                            
 
EXT. SUPERMARKET PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
Jeremy saunters over.
                                                            
Ryan exits the store and notices Brenda's car. He sees
Jeremy take bills through the window opening. Ryan walks
over. He speaks through the tiny opening.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Alright, what's going on, Brenda?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What?
                                                            
                       RYAN
All your costumes, the strobe
light show at your house, and now
a drug deal with the box boy.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I'm not dressed so I'm having him
pick me up some things.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Don't people usually get dressed
and then go shopping?
                                                            
Ryan walks off.
                                                            
 
INT. BRENDA'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
In the Internet search box is typed: HOW TO DATE A CRIMINAL.
Photos of sketchy men are on the monitor.
                                                            
Brenda types on the computer keyboard. KNOCKING. Barbara
enters.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Ryan came by. I had to shoo him
away.
                                                            
Brenda angrily pushes her chair back from her desk.
                                                            

38.

                       BRENDA
If I get busted, I won't be able
to see him for a long time.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Only date criminals! Your father
and I wouldn't last one day in the
slammer.
                                                            
Barbara looks at the computer monitor. On the screen, is a
map of the area and mug shots of sketchy characters. The
web address reads: SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY.COM.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
If I'm gonna steal, it'll only be
from child molesters.
                                                            
 
INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda and MAN (30), roller coaster nose, sit at a booth
table.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Have you ever been arrested?
                                                            
                       MAN
Never.
                                                            
Brenda immediately gets up and leaves.
                                                            
MONTAGE - MEN TELL BRENDA THEY'VE NEVER BEEN ARRESTED
                                                            
-- Obese man "Never."

-- Short cowboy in a stetson "Never."

-- Drooling man with thick eyeglasses "Never."
                                                            
Brenda gets up, snatches her coat, and leaves.
                                                            
 
INT. BAR - NIGHT
                                                            
The smoke-filled room is dim and distressing. Brenda sits
on a barstool next to HOMELY MAN (40), scruffy beard.
                                                            
                       HOMELY MAN
I rob people.
                                                            
Brenda perks up.
                                                            

39.

                       HOMELY MAN
I'm a lawyer.
                                                            
Brenda leaves.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
MONTAGE - BRENDA SCOURS SEEDY AREAS TO FIND A BOYFRIEND
                                                            
-- She talks to scraggly guys in wife beater shirts on
street corners.

-- She visits run down motels.

-- She waits outside a prison gate. Prisoners get released.
They wave her off.
                                                            
 
EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT
                                                            
A tired car pulls to the curb. The headlights go out.
                                                            
 
INT. NORM'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda, Norm, Barbara, and Jenny case a house with bare
landscape.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Let's hope the inside isn't as
empty as the outside.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Dave's house was empty, except for
an old recliner.
                                                            
                       NORM
He finally gave up replacing his
stolen furniture.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
The recliner would've been gone,
if your father hadn't refused to
steal it.
                                                            
                       NORM
Barbara, some things you just
don't take from a man's castle.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You steal his beer, but you won't
take his La-Z-Boy?
                                                            

40.

Norm ponders this.
                                                            
                       NORM
You're right. He can sit on the
floor.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Watch your shadows.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Freeze if you see anyone.
                                                            
                       NORM
If you see a nice set of golf
clubs, grab 'em.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Do molesters golf?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
If you see some nice earrings--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Am I stealing or shopping?
                                                            
Barbara opens the door and shoves Brenda out. Brenda falls
on her butt.
                                                            
 
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda pulls the ski mask down around her head.
                                                            
                       JENNY (O.S.)
That's the best she's ever looked.
                                                            
                       BARBARA (O.S.)
No.
                                                            
A black bag hits Brenda's face and stays on her head.
                                                            
                       BARBARA (O.S.)
That is.
                                                            
Brenda sneaks up on the house. A motion sensor light blasts
her. Brenda scampers back to the car. Barbara and Jenny
get out of the car and tackle Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't do this.
                                                            
She takes off the ski mask.
                                                            

41.

                       JENNY
Yes, you can.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's just a motion light.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You said don't go to houses with
motion sensor lights.
                                                            
                       NORM
We're making an exception.
                                                            
The three women see OLD FEMALE PASSERBY (70), hunchback,
approach walking her tiny dog. They try to act natural.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
She's afraid of her boyfriend.
                                                            
                       OLD FEMALE PASSERBY
That creep! I'll burn his house
down! Let's get 'em Wilbur!
                                                            
Old Female Passerby and her dog storm towards the house.
                                                            
                       JENNY
It's okay.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
We'll handle it.
                                                            
                       OLD FEMALE PASSERBY
Come out or we'll burn you out!
                                                            
Brenda, Barbara, and Jenny escort Old Female Passerby away.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Thanks for coming.
                                                            
Barbara and Jenny push Brenda toward the house.
                                                            
Brenda runs for the side of the house. She hides in a
shadow. She slithers to the back of the house.
                                                            
Brenda pushes a window in at the center of the pane and
slides it open. She lifts herself onto the window sill.
                                                            
 
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda lowers herself until she feels something. She finds
herself standing on a bed next to a sleeping, fat, bald MAN
in a wife beater shirt.
                                                            

42.

The man turns and wraps his arms around Brenda's legs.
Brenda freezes in horror.
                                                            
Brenda sees a feather protruding from his pillow. She
carefully bends down and pulls the feather from the pillow.
                                                            
She gently runs the feather across the man's exposed
buttocks. The man scratches his butt with one hand while he
keeps his other arm around Brenda's legs.
                                                            
Brenda uses the feather to tickle the man's mouth. The man
uses the butt-scratching hand to scratch his mouth.
                                                            
Brenda is horrified to see saliva coming from his mouth. She
can't move. He drools on her leg.
                                                            
Brenda sees another feather protruding from the pillow. She
removes the feather and uses both feathers to tickle the man
all over. The sleeping man releases her and scratches
himself. Brenda jumps out the window.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Norm, Barbara, and Jenny watch Brenda race toward them with
the empty black bag.
                                                            
                       NORM
Not exactly a jackpot.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Doberman? Rottweiler?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
With Brenda, it could've been a
spider.
                                                            
A gasping Brenda hops in. They speed off.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
That's my last burglary!
                                                            
Norm pulls out gloves and ski masks from the glove box. He
hands them out to Barbara and Jenny. Brenda watches them put
the masks and gloves on.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Okay, okay.
                                                            
 
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
MONTAGE - BRENDA BURGLARIZES SEVERAL HOMES
                                                            

43.

-- Brenda, all in black, exits a second story window and
slithers down a rain gutter.

-- She jumps down off a fence and acrobatically rolls over.

-- She exits a garage with her large, black bag.

-- She scrambles over a fence just before a German Shepherd
can get her.
                                                            
Rob walks along the sidewalk. Brenda slips out a second
story window and down a roof. She trips over an air duct
cover, slides off the roof, and lands in a bush just as Rob
passes.
                                                            
Brenda pulls herself out of the bush.
                                                            
                       ROB
You okay?
                                                            
She rips off her ski mask and shoves it into the loot bag.
Her birthmark is visible.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah...
                                                            
She fumbles around her pockets. She desperately looks
around.
                                                            
Rob gets a closer look. Brenda lunges for a mud puddle, but
it's just out of her reach.
                                                            
Brenda pops to her feet. The bag CLANGS of silverware.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Ow!
                                                            
She drops to the ground and grabs her ankle. Rob marches up
the walkway. Brenda hides her birthmark with her hand.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'm a doctor.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
      (mutters)
That's too bad.
                                                            
He examines her ankle.
                                                            
A porch light comes on.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Shoot.
                                                            

44.

                       ROB
What?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I'm moving and I didn't want to
wake my family.
                                                            
A SIREN gets LOUDER.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Get me out of here.
                                                            
Rob carries her fireman-style down the sidewalk. The loot
bag CLANGS with every step Rob takes. Porch lights come on
and dogs BARK with every house they pass.
                                                            
Flashing police lights reflect off houses. A patrol car
SCREECHES around a turn and SKIDS to a halt in front of the
house Brenda burgled.
                                                            
From a distance, Brenda watches officers exit their cars
with guns drawn.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Rob enters with Brenda still in his arms. He flips on the
light.
                                                            
                       ROB
Being a lawyer must keep you busy.
                                                            
Brenda panics when she sees her birthmark in the hallway
mirror. She flips the lights back off.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I'm sensitive to light.
                                                            
Rob almost trips in the dark. He carries Brenda over to the
sofa and lays her down.
                                                            
Brenda sees a bowl of guacamole next to a bag of tortilla
chips on the coffee table. She grabs a handful of guacamole
and smears it over her birthmark just before Rob can see.
Rob sees her face. He is surprised.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Avocado makes an excellent face
mask.
                                                            
Rob takes an end pillow off the sofa exposing bundled bills
and a ski mask. Brenda sees him quickly push the mask and
bills down between the cushion and armrest.
                                                            

45.

Rob places the pillow on the coffee table and elevates
Brenda's injured ankle.
                                                            
Rob heads over to the kitchen. Brenda looks under the other
end pillow and sees a gun and ski mask.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What kind of doctor are you?
                                                            
                       ROB
Cardiologist.
                                                            
Rob sees Brenda eyeing the cramped, dirty apartment.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'm paying off student loans.
                                                            
Rob places frozen vegetable bags on Brenda's ankle. He
heads to the bathroom.
                                                            
Brenda lifts a seat cushion. She finds a mask and gloves.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Those student loans can be a pain
in the butane.
                                                            
Rob comes out of the bathroom with an Ace bandage.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda and Rob get in. They drive off.
                                                            
Brenda sees a bag on the floor. She pulls an adult blow up
doll out of the bag. She gives Rob a funny look.
                                                            
                       ROB
For when I'm alone.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
For when you're alone?
                                                            
                       ROB
I heard others were doing it, so I
thought I'd give it a try.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
So because others were doing it,
you thought you'd do it?
                                                            
Brenda can't believe what she's hearing.
                                                            

46.

                       ROB
What's the big deal? They save me
a lot of time and money.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
They?
                                                            
                       ROB
Got one for each day of the week.
Wanna see 'em?
                                                            
He reaches into the back seat.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No! That's disgusting! I bet
it's quite a variety...busty
brunettes, long-legged blonds.
                                                            
                       ROB
The bottom half doesn't matter.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Geez!
                                                            
                       ROB
I got one that's super
realistic...a tall, dark man with
bulging muscles--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You've got a male doll?
                                                            
                       ROB
You gotta mix it up every now and
then. You telling me you've never
tried it?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Never.
                                                            
He reaches for a blown up doll in the back.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'll show you how I like to
position them.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
That's okay. I can imagine.
                                                            
Rob puts his ear to the doll.
                                                            

47.

                       ROB
This one's got a leak. I finally
wore her out.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You wouldn't have that problem
with a mannequin.
                                                            
                       ROB
Mannequins aren't real enough.
They don't move around.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Don't these move too much?
                                                            
                       ROB
Not if you strap 'em in right.
They'll keep the position you want
for the entire ride.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Oh, my gosh.
                                                            
                       ROB
What? I've never been caught.
It's worth it to be able to use
the carpool.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Ryan picks up a small rock and tosses it at Brenda's window.
He picks up another rock. A car's headlights beam around a
corner. Ryan takes cover behind a hedge bush. The car parks
nearby.
                                                            
Rob gets out and carries Brenda to the front door. He sets
her down.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Thanks for everything, Dr.
Roberts.
                                                            
Ryan mouths the word "Doctor."
                                                            
                       ROB
Call me Rob.
                                                            
Rob is inches from Brenda. Brenda backs up against the
door. Rob stays on her. Brenda hurriedly turns and uses a
key to unlock the door.
                                                            

48.

                       BRENDA
Maybe we can do lunch sometime.
                                                            
Rob is practically drooling on her.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'm hungry right now.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I gotta ice my ankle.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'll ice it for you.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Maybe I'll just go to bed.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'll tuck you in.
                                                            
Ryan has heard enough and is about to spring from the hedge
bush.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I'll manage.
                                                            
Brenda scrambles inside and SLAMS the door.
                                                            
Rob shuffles down the front steps.
                                                            
Rob sees Brenda's second story bedroom light come on. He
hides on the opposite side of the hedge bush from Ryan. Ryan
sees Rob smiling up at Brenda's room.
                                                            
Rob watches Brenda peel off her clothes. Ryan turns his back
to Brenda's window.
                                                            
Rob leaves in his car. Ryan sees the house next door has a
FOR SALE sign.
                                                            
 
INT. OFFICE - DAY
                                                            
INTERCUT - OFFICE AND RYAN'S CAR
                                                            
Ryan's mother, DOROTHY TIPTON, 47, albino, fur coat, and
father, HOWARD TIPTON, 50, worn catcher mitt face, suit,
share a cell phone on the other end.
                                                            
                       HOWARD
You won't make any money being a
policeman.
                                                            

49.

                       DOROTHY
And you won't get shot!
                                                            
                       HOWARD
We'll buy the house if you promise
to take over the family business.
                                                            
                       RYAN
I'm sorry, Dad. I don't want to
take over the family business.
                                                            
 
EXT. RYAN'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Ryan squirms and perspires parked across the street from
Brenda's house. There are binoculars, empty coffee cups,
and potato chip bags on the passenger seat.
                                                            
KNOCKING on the passenger window. It's Brenda and Rob. Ryan
rolls down the window. Rob sees the binoculars on the seat.
                                                            
                       ROB
You're spying on her?
                                                            
                       RYAN
No. My parents are thinking of
buying that house.
                                                            
                       ROB
What kind of lowlife would spy on
women?
                                                            
Rob grabs a chunk of Ryan's shirt. He yanks Ryan out of the
car.
                                                            
                       RYAN
I'm pretty sure they're gonna buy
that house!
                                                            
Rob sees the FOR SALE sign on the lawn. He releases Ryan's
shirt.
                                                            
 
INT. BRENDA'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Brenda parks her car across the street from Rob's place.
                                                            
Rob takes a car cover off a white pickup truck. He hops
into the truck and leaves. Brenda follows from a distance.
                                                            
The white pickup enters a bank parking lot. It pulls to the
red curb at the bank's entrance.
                                                            

50.

Brenda parks. She uses binoculars to observe Rob. She
witnesses him wipe down the interior with a cloth. She
smiles when she sees him put on a black ski mask and gloves.
                                                            
Rob conceals a gun as he dashes into the bank.
                                                            
 
INT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Rob waves the gun as he races to the teller windows.
                                                            
                       ROB
This is a robbery! Give me all
your money and no heros!
                                                            
 
EXT. BANK PARKING LOT - DAY
                                                            
A passing police officer spots the white pickup in the red.
He pulls behind the truck.
                                                            
OFFICER ONE, 30, Hispanic, pock-marked face, exits his
patrol car with a citation book.
                                                            
Brenda dashes toward the officer.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I was just leaving!
                                                            
She jumps into the truck.
                                                            
                       OFFICER ONE
You can't park in front of a bank
with the engine running. It looks
suspicious.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yes, sir, officer sir.
                                                            
Behind Officer One, she sees Rob inside the bank wielding
his gun, and bank customers with their hands in the air.
                                                            
                       OFFICER ONE
If you were in my shoes, and saw a
car in front of a bank with the
engine running, wouldn't you think
a robbery was going on in there?
                                                            
Brenda sees the bank customers lying on the floor. She sees
tellers nervously putting money into bags.
                                                            

51.

                       BRENDA
Yes, sir, officer sir. It won't
happen again.
                                                            
Officer One watches Brenda park the truck in a parking
space.
                                                            
Brenda and Officer One stare at each other. Officer One
finally leaves.
                                                            
Brenda gets out of the truck and runs off.
                                                            
Rob flings open the bank door. He searches hysterically for
the truck.
                                                            
                       ROB
Damn it!
                                                            
He hastily takes off down the street with his bags of money.
Sirens grow LOUDER. Red dye packs EXPLODE coating Rob.
                                                            
                       ROB
Damn it!
                                                            
 
EXT. BUS STOP - DAY
                                                            
Sirens WAIL. Rob, covered in red dye, sits on the bus bench
staring stoically out in space. PEOPLE shoot funny looks at
him. Police cars ZOOM by.
                                                            
A LITTLE BOY looks closely at Rob's facial scar.
                                                            
Rob SNARLS at the boy who jumps back.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda hands Boy On A Bicycle some money. The boy rides
off.
                                                            
Brenda spots a U-Haul truck next door. She watches Ryan
carry a box from the truck into the garage. She jogs
towards him, while looking nervously back at her house.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Your parents bought the house!
                                                            
                       RYAN
Yup. I don't fully move in till
the first of the month.
                                                            

52.

                       BRENDA
Great! I gotta get back. Let's
do something.
                                                            
                       RYAN
I'll stop by--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No! Uh, I'll stop by later.
                                                            
Ryan watches her run back to her house.
                                                            
 
INT. RYAN'S HOUSE - DAY
                                                            
Several moving boxes marked: KITCHEN, RYAN'S BEDROOM, MASTER
BEDROOM, BATHROOM, etc., are scattered about.
                                                            
Ryan uses a box cutter to open a box marked: SKI STUFF. He
pulls out a black ski mask and black gloves. He plugs his
nose as he carries them toward the backyard.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda basks in the sun on a chaise lounge. She HEARS
Ryan's sliding glass door open.
                                                            
Ryan opens the gloves to air them out. Brenda creeps up to
the fence. She's surprised to see Ryan with the gloves and
ski mask.
                                                            
Brenda glances back at her house. She attempts to get
Ryan's attention by waving her hands. He takes off his shirt
and dives into the pool.
                                                            
Ryan swims. Brenda throws a tennis ball over the fence at
Ryan to draw his attention. It barely misses him. She
throws a Nerf football at him. She throws a giant exercise
ball that smacks him in the head. Ryan stops swimming.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Hi, neighbor.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Hi.
                                                            
He picks up the exercise ball and heads toward Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
And the tennis ball.
                                                            

53.

She points at the tennis ball. Ryan retrieves the tennis
ball.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
How's the new place?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Great. Just unpacking boxes.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
And the Nerf football.
                                                            
She points at the football floating in the pool.
                                                            
Ryan retrieves the football.
                                                            
She scans his wet, chiseled body.
                                                            
                       RYAN
What are you doing for work?
                                                            
He hands the balls over the fence.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Nothing much. How 'bout you?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Nothing my parents are proud of.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Great! I mean, it's probably
something you want to do, right?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Yeah. I just thought of something
funny.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What?
                                                            
                       RYAN
I moved from the same house as
your boyfriend and now I'm going
to live right next to you.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
He's not really my boyfriend.
                                                            
                       RYAN
He's not?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No.
                                                            

54.

Brenda stirs around.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You never made fun of his scar,
did you?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Of course not.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
It's just that most people would
say something mean about--
                                                            
                       RYAN
Everyone has a handicap. It's
what's inside that matters.
                                                            
A warm smiles comes over Brenda. She glances at her house.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I gotta go.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Hey, you wanna have dinner at my
place?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Sure!
                                                            
                       RYAN
I don't know which box has the
silverware.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I think we can spare some.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Seven okay?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Seven's fine.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda exits her house with a bag and walks next door. She
notices a TV light flicker on Ryan's second floor. She
bites down on the bag handles. She climbs effortlessly onto
Ryan's side yard gate and onto the roof.
                                                            
 

55.

INT. RYAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
RYAN'S BEDROOM
                                                            
Ryan watches TV with his back to the window. Brenda uses
the palm of her hand to push in the window pane while
quietly sliding the window open.
                                                            
Brenda slides in and creeps up behind Ryan.
                                                            
Brenda covers Ryan's eyes with her hands. Ryan jumps.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Shoot! Officer Harrier?
                                                            
Ryan feels the two arms around him. He massages Brenda's
arms. He reaches up and massages her shoulders. Brenda
enjoys this.
                                                            
                       RYAN
This better not be my mom.
                                                            
Brenda bursts out LAUGHING. Ryan sees it's Brenda.
                                                            
                       RYAN
How'd you learn to sneak in like
that?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Something passed down from the
family.
                                                            
KITCHEN
                                                            
Brenda rinses dishes. Ryan sneaks up behind her. Brenda
sees his reflection in the kitchen window. She lets him
cover her eyes with his hands. She massages his arms and
shoulders.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Officer Harrier? Mom?
                                                            
They LAUGH.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You're arrested so much you know
the police by name?
                                                            
                       RYAN
Not even close.
                                                            
Ryan puts his arms around Brenda's waist. She stares
dazedly into his eyes. They tap kiss a couple times before

56.

passionately locking lips. Hands slide up and down each
other's sides.
                                                            
FRONT HALLWAY
                                                            
                       RYAN
I'll get the silverware back to
you.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Keep it. We got tons.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Rob hides behind the hedge. A light comes on in Brenda's
bedroom.
                                                            
Rob sees Brenda through her bedroom window. He checks his
watch which reads: 2:00 a.m.
                                                            
Rob watches Brenda undress and put on her black, burglar
outfit. Her light goes out.
                                                            
The front door opens.
                                                            
Brenda gets into her car and drives off. Rob races across
the street and jumps into his car.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Rob keeps a safe distance behind Brenda's car.
                                                            
Brenda's car pulls to the curb in a residential
neighborhood. Her headlights go out. Rob turns off his
lights and pulls to the curb.
                                                            
Rob curiously watches Brenda move to the side of a house and
put on her ski mask.
                                                            
Rob watches with mouth agape as Brenda effortlessly climbs a
gate and hops onto the roof. He sees her slide open a
window and disappear into the dark home.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Rob watches Brenda sneak down the roof with her loot bag.
She hops off the gate. She drives off.
                                                            
 

57.

INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Doorbell RINGS. Barbara opens the door to find Rob.
                                                            
                       ROB
Is Brenda around?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
That depends.
                                                            
Norm and Jenny close in. Norm peeks outside through the
curtains.
                                                            
                       JENNY
You with anyone?
                                                            
                       ROB
No.
                                                            
Jenny yanks Rob inside. Barbara SLAMS the door.
                                                            
                       NORM
Why do you want Brenda?
                                                            
                       ROB
Just seeing if she wanted to grab
a bite to eat.
                                                            
Norm, Barbara, and Jenny frisk Rob.
                                                            
                       NORM
No gun?
                                                            
                       ROB
No.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Damn it.
                                                            
They interrogate him like police detectives.
                                                            
                       NORM
Have you ever done drugs?
                                                            
Rob is taken aback.
                                                            
                       ROB
No.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Shoot.
                                                            

58.

                       JENNY
Ever been to jail?
                                                            
Rob hesitates.
                                                            
                       ROB
No.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Wrong answer.
                                                            
Disappointment flashes across Norm's, Barbara's, and Jenny's
faces.
                                                            
                       NORM
What do you do for a living?
                                                            
                       ROB
I'm a doctor.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
That tears it!
                                                            
They drag him to the front door.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
She won't be seeing you.
                                                            
Barbara opens the door as Norm and Jenny are about to throw
Rob out.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Wait!
                                                            
Brenda dashes down the stairs.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Rob's the one who helped me when I
fell off that roof. I'll see you
at your place at seven.
                                                            
She lets him out and closes the door. Norm, Barbara, and
Jenny run for the front window. They observe Rob trying to
figure out what just happened.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
You can't go out with a doctor!
                                                            
                       NORM
You have strict orders, young
lady!
                                                            

59.

                       JENNY
How do you know he's not a cop?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Or with the F.B.I.?
                                                            
                       NORM
Or C.I.A.?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
He's the O.C. Bank Robber.
                                                            
                       JENNY
What?
                                                            
                       NORM
He is?
                                                            
                       BARBARA
How do you know?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I saw him rob the Bank America on
Pacific Coast Highway.
                                                            
                       JENNY
He's perfect!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Absolutely dashing!
                                                            
                       NORM
Congratulations, Pumpkin!
                                                            
BRENDA'S ROOM
                                                            
Brenda stares at the wedding topper name sign on her
dresser. She slowly crosses out the name "RYAN." She
writes "ROB" in its place.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Rob and Brenda twirl spaghetti noodles around their forks.
                                                            
Rob sits at an angle so his facial scar is hidden from
Brenda.
                                                            
Brenda notices open cupboards stocked with canned goods.
                                                            
                       ROB
Your parents and aunt are
interesting.
                                                            

60.

                       BRENDA
They're just looking out for me.
Did you save any dying people
today?
                                                            
                       ROB
A couple. Did you nail any
criminals today?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
A couple.
                                                            
                       ROB
Ankle feel'n better?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yup.
                                                            
                       ROB
I guess they still haven't caught
the O.C. Burglar.
                                                            
Brenda stirs in her chair.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
They still haven't caught the O.C.
Bank Robber.
                                                            
Rob fidgets.
                                                            
                       ROB
Maybe the O.C. Burglar left town.
Or maybe she's hurt.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What makes you think she's a she?
                                                            
                       ROB
Just a guess.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Maybe the O.C. Bank Robber lives
here...
                                                            
Rob is stunned.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
...I mean, in this area, 'cause
this is where all the robberies
are.
                                                            

61.

                       ROB
Maybe the O.C. Burglar lives with
her parents...
                                                            
Brenda is stunned.
                                                            
                       ROB
I mean, she seems kind of
young...climbing roofs and all.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Maybe the O.C. Bank Robber
couldn't find his white, getaway
pickup truck!
                                                            
Rob is surprised.
                                                            
                       ROB
Maybe the O.C. Burglar fell off a
roof, hurt her ankle, and had to
be carried off!
                                                            
Brenda springs from her chair and races to the sofa.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Maybe the O.C. Bank Robber keeps
his guns, money, and ski masks
under his sofa cushions!
                                                            
She yanks the cushions off and is stunned to find it empty.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You're the O.C. Bank Robber.
                                                            
                       ROB
You're the O.C. Burglar.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Neither one of us can go to the
cops.
                                                            
                       ROB
Deal.
                                                            
They shake hands, sit down, and eat.
                                                            
                       ROB
If you're gonna be my girl, you
gotta be nice, smart,
good-looking, and have no
psychological problems.
                                                            
Brenda is taken aback.
                                                            

62.

                       ROB
That's not asking much. Be
nice...don't be a witch. Be
smart...crack a book once in a
while. Good-looking...that's what
makeup's for.
                                                            
Brenda angrily wraps spaghetti around her fork.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
And the psychological problems?
                                                            
                       ROB
All women are nuts, so don't worry
about it. Let's just hope you're
not too far detached.
                                                            
Brenda chomps hard on her garlic bread.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Brenda shows Rob how to walk stealthily.
                                                            
                       ROB
Why do I need to know how you do
your burglaries?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
In case I'm arrested, you can do a
burglary just the way I do.
They'll think they got the wrong
guy and let me go.
                                                            
                       ROB
That'll work?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
They can't keep someone locked up
while similar crimes are being
done.
                                                            
                       ROB
And I'm going to teach you how to
rob banks?
                                                            
Brenda is less than enthused.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah.
                                                            
 

63.

INT. RYAN'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Ryan relaxes in his recliner watching TV. The walls are
bare. There are moving boxes on the floor. He HEARS a car
door shut.
                                                            
Ryan peers out his window. He breaks into a grin when he
sees Brenda striding up the walkway. His smile disappears
when Brenda strolls over to Rob's apartment.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Brenda watches Rob draw a bank interior on a whiteboard. A
camcorder on a tripod records the lesson. KNOCKING.
                                                            
 
EXT. ROB'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Ryan KNOCKS on the door. Rob opens the door slightly.
                                                            
                       ROB
What do you want?
                                                            
Ryan tries to see into the room, but Rob closes the door
just wide enough to see out with one eye.
                                                            
                       RYAN
      (shouting)
I'm making hot, fresh, delicious,
home-made chocolate chip cookies
and I was hoping you could lend me
an egg!
                                                            
Brenda tries to get a glimpse of Ryan. Rob closes the door.
                                                            
The door opens the width of an egg. Fingers drop an egg
through the gap. Ryan makes a shoestring catch. The door
SLAMS shut.
                                                            
 
EXT. BEACH - DAY
                                                            
Brenda and Ryan lie on towels eating chocolate chip cookies.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
They're delicious.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Thanks. I borrowed an egg from
Rob to make them.
                                                            
Brenda checks her face in a mirror.
                                                            

64.

                       BRENDA
I was there when you borrowed it.
                                                            
                       RYAN
You know he's not a good guy.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah.
                                                            
                       RYAN
So why be around him?
                                                            
Ryan leans over and kisses Brenda.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Rob nervously watches Brenda step out of her second story
bedroom window. She walks on the roof with ease like a
sure-footed big horn sheep.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Come on.
                                                            
                       ROB
No!
                                                            
Brenda yanks Rob onto the roof.
                                                            
Rob HYPERVENTILATES as he bear hugs Brenda.
                                                            
                       ROB
You better not get busted!
                                                            
Ryan strolls along the sidewalk. He slows down to watch.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Be careful!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Just putting up Christmas lights.
                                                            
                       RYAN
In July?
                                                            
Brenda helps Rob walk on the roof.
                                                            
Rob slips on a loose shingle. He slides off the roof into a
thorny rose bush.
                                                            
 

65.

INT. ROB'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Rob drives as Brenda rides shotgun. Rob has numerous
scratch marks. The brown bag with the blow up doll is on
the floor.
                                                            
                       ROB
It sometimes takes a week or more
to stake out a bank. You gotta
know where all the cameras are.
You gotta know if it has locking
doors that could trap you.
                                                            
They pull into a red zone in front of a bank.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You're not gonna--
                                                            
                       ROB
No. This is an honest
withdrawal...to get me through to
the next robbery.
                                                            
Rob exits. He enters the bank.
                                                            
Brenda's eyes get big when she sees a patrol car turn up the
street. It stops behind a car parked in the red. An
OFFICER gets out with a citation book.
                                                            
 
INT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Rob is at a teller's window. Brenda flings open the door.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Rob! The cops are here!
                                                            
Customers and bank employees freeze with frightened eyes on
Rob. The teller trembles as she slides some bills to Rob.
                                                            
                       ROB
Thank you.
                                                            
Rob calmly exits with Brenda.
                                                            
                       ROB
You're gonna make a terrific bank
robber.
                                                            
 
EXT. HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
MONTAGE - BRENDA BURGLES SEVERAL HOUSES
                                                            

66.

-- She enters through a sliding glass door and exits with a
full loot bag.

-- Brenda steals an expensive watch from a man in bed who
SNORES like a jet engine.

-- She exits a second story roof and descends with her bag.
                                                            
 
INT. BRENDA'S ROOM - DAY
                                                            
Brenda sleeps. Jewelry and money are spread out on Brenda's
desk. Norm and Barbara help themselves to most of the money.
Norm helps Barbara put on a necklace.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
It's beautiful.
                                                            
Brenda wakes up.
                                                            
                       NORM
Just checking out last night's
find.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Good job.
                                                            
                       NORM
You're becoming a real pro.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
There was more money than that.
                                                            
                       NORM
We took out your rent and food.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
For the past several months.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't keep doing this.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Sure, you can.
                                                            
                       NORM
You don't want your dad sharing a
cell with a guy named Bubba.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Or your mom sharing with a Bertha.
                                                            
 

67.

EXT. RYAN'S RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Ryan sees Brenda exit her house all in black and carrying
her black bag. Ryan jogs over to Brenda.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Where are you going at this hour?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Work.
                                                            
                       RYAN
You're not a nightclub dancer, are
you?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Good. An escort?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Hooker?
                                                            
Brenda SLAPS Ryan's face. He feels his face. She gently
rubs his face.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
It's not something I'm proud of.
                                                            
                       RYAN
Then what?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can't tell you, Ryan.
                                                            
                       RYAN
If you're not proud of it, don't
do it.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
If I could, I would, but I can't,
so I won't.
                                                            
                       RYAN
This is your life, Brenda. No one
can make you do something you
don't want to do.
                                                            
Ryan heads to his house.
                                                            
 

68.

INT. BRENDA'S CAR - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda turns off the stereo and headlights. She pulls to
the curb in front of a large house.
                                                            
Brenda stares morosely at the house. She opens the glove
box and stares at her black gloves and ski mask. She slowly
puts on the gloves and ski mask.
                                                            
 
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda creeps down a hallway. A baby's cry startles her.
                                                            
A moved Brenda sees the baby and a passed out woman on a
couch. Drug paraphernalia is on a coffee table.
                                                            
Brenda cuddles the baby.
                                                            
Brenda heats a baby bottle on the stove.
                                                            
MONTAGE - BRENDA HELPS PEOPLE INSTEAD OF STEALING FROM THEM
                                                            
-- A woman exits her bedroom. She looks straight at Brenda,
who freezes. The woman approaches Brenda. She sleep walks
inches past Brenda. Brenda gently turns the woman around.
Brenda tucks the woman in to bed.

-- Brenda leaves money on the counter of a needy family.
                                                            
A vacuum ROARS. Brenda vacuums with her back to the front
door. HOMEOWNER (50), Michelin tire man, enters.
                                                            
                       HOMEOWNER
When did you start coming on
Mondays?
                                                            
The man cups his hands to act as a megaphone.
                                                            
                       HOMEOWNER
When did you--
                                                            
Brenda jumps.
                                                            
She shuts off the vacuum.
                                                            
                       HOMEOWNER
I didn't mean to scare you. You
must be a substitute maid.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah. Just finishing up.
                                                            

69.

She hastily throws the vacuum into a closet.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Don't go in the kitchen. The
floor's not dry.
                                                            
                       HOMEOWNER
Okay.
                                                            
Brenda scurries out the front door.
                                                            
 
EXT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
MONTAGE - ROB FLEES SEVERAL BANKS WEARING A MASK
                                                            
-- Rob flees a bank with his gun and loot bag.

-- Rob flees a bank and almost knocks down pedestrians.

-- Rob flees a bank and jumps into a getaway car.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda and Rob watch TV on the couch. Rob keeps his facial
scar angled away from Brenda. A microwave oven DINGS. Rob
gets up and heads to the kitchen. Brenda changes places on
the couch.
                                                            
Rob returns with a bowl of popcorn.
                                                            
                       ROB
Scoot over.
                                                            
He practically sits on Brenda to force her to move back to
her place. She moves over. His scar faces away from her.
Rob throws an arm around Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You don't need to worry about how
you look.
                                                            
                       ROB
Don't worry about it.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Why not get an honest job?
                                                            
                       ROB
Look who's talking.
                                                            

70.

                       BRENDA
There's all kinds of Internet and
customer service jobs where no one
will see you and--
                                                            
                       ROB
Nobody's gonna hire me. I was born
to rob banks.
                                                            
Utter disgust swarms Brenda's face.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Doesn't it bother you to stick a
gun in some eighteen-year-old
teller's face?
                                                            
                       ROB
Don't you think you scare people
when they find out someone was in
their home while they slept?
                                                            
Brenda unwraps Rob's arm from her neck.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
You use violence to steal!
                                                            
                       ROB
I steal green paper from banks!
You're stealing people's
hard-earned money and property
that can't be replaced!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Someone could die in one of your
robberies!
                                                            
                       ROB
Your victims worry you're going to
come back!
                                                            
 
EXT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Rob races out of a bank with loot bags. He jumps into a car
and BURNS RUBBER.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
Rob flies down a street. Sirens WAIL. A police car
fishtails around a corner right behind Rob.
                                                            

71.

                       ROB
Shoot!
                                                            
Rob punches numbers into his cell phone.
                                                            
INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION ROB/BRENDA
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda answers her cell phone.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Hello.
                                                            
                       ROB
Brenda listen! The cops are
chasing me! I need you to go to
my place and get rid of all the
guns, money, any evidence!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Rob, you gotta stop!
                                                            
                       ROB (V.O.)
Do it now, Brenda, or I'll tell
the cops what you do!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Okay, okay.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S APARTMENT - DAY
                                                            
Brenda finds guns and bundles of bills under the sofa
cushions. She stares at the items. She slams them into a
box.
                                                            
She replaces the cushions and uses a cloth to wipe
fingerprints off the coffee table. She dashes out.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda DIGS a hole in the far corner of the backyard.
                                                            
 
INT. RYAN'S BEDROOM - DAY
                                                            
Ryan hears the digging. He peeks out his window.
                                                            
Ryan sees Brenda place the box into the hole and cover it
with a piece of plywood. She shovels dirt on top.
                                                            
 

72.

INT. THRIFT STORE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda claws through a table piled high with costume
jewelry.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda walks to her car. Barbara stands at the front door.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Get a nice haul!
                                                            
Brenda unzips her jacket. Under her jacket is a uniform
shirt with a BRENDA name tag.
                                                            
 
INT. GAS STATION STORE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda reads a romance novel at the cash register. GAS
STATION CUSTOMER (30), bald, slides bills under a Plexiglas
window.
                                                            
                       GAS STATION CUSTOMER
Fifty on one.
                                                            
Brenda pushes buttons on the cash register.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda parks her car. She opens the trunk which is full of
costume jewelry. She stuffs costume jewelry into her loot
bag.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda sleeps. Barbara thumbs through a pile of jewelry.
She sees a price sticker on a necklace which reads: MADE IN
CHINA $1.00.
                                                            
Barbara shakes Brenda's shoulder. Brenda wakes up. Barbara
shows Brenda the price tag.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Did you burgle a dollhouse?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
It was dark. I couldn't see.
                                                            

73.

                       BARBARA
Use a flashlight. How come we
never see Rob?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I don't really like Rob.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Well, we'd like to have him over
for dinner. Don't let a catch
like him get away.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Rob's car cuts through the corner gas station where Brenda
works. Brenda and Rob wave to each other as he speeds by.
                                                            
The police car stays right on Rob's bumper. The two cars
fly down a long straightaway.
                                                            
Rob's car SWERVES and BRAKES hard. The patrol car shoots by.
Rob's car pursues the patrol car.
                                                            
Rob's car RAMS the patrol car's rear bumper several times.
Rob's car STRIKES a corner of the bumper. The patrol car
spins like a top. Rob's car continues on.
                                                            
Rob's car SCREECHES around a corner.
                                                            
Rob sees HOMELESS MAN, 40, filthy. The car SKIDS to a stop.
Rob jumps out with the loot bags and ski mask. He tears off
his shirt and pants.
                                                            
                       ROB
You must be cold. Put these on.
                                                            
Homeless Man slowly peels off his tattered clothes. A SIREN
WAILS in the distance.
                                                            
Rob yanks Homeless Man's pants down. He has trouble pulling
the pants off over the shoes. Rob finally tears off
Homeless Man's shoes and rips the pants off.
                                                            
Homeless Man leans on Rob's shoulder as Rob helps him into
his pants.
                                                            
The sirens get LOUDER. Rob keeps an eye out for the police.
                                                            
                       ROB
Put your hands up!
                                                            

74.

Homeless Man immediately raises his hands. Rob slides his
shirt over him. The sirens get LOUDER.
                                                            
Rob hastily plunks his ski mask on sideways on Homeless Man.
                                                            
Homeless Man drops his arms.
                                                            
                       ROB
Keep 'em up.
                                                            
Homeless Man raises his arms.
                                                            
Rob smells Homeless Man's clothes, makes a disgusting face,
and tosses them away. He dashes off in only his underwear.
                                                            
The patrol car SCREECHES around a corner and SKIDS to a stop
near Homeless Man. The police officer exits with his gun
pointed at Homeless Man.
                                                            
 
INT. RYAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Ryan packs the few remaining boxes. Tires SQUEAL.
                                                            
Ryan looks out his window. He sees Rob quickly park a black
pickup in the carport. He watches Rob quickly cover the
truck.
                                                            
 
EXT. RYAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Ryan furtively ties a yellow ribbon around the black
pickup's tow ball. He sneaks away.
                                                            
 
EXT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Rob hastily exits with loot bags. He jumps into the black
pickup truck and LAYS A SCRATCH out of the parking lot. A
patrol car gives chase.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Both cars fly down a boulevard with the patrol car inches
off Rob's car. The cars approach an intersection.
                                                            
At the last moment in the intersection, the pickup truck
swerves onto the opposite side of the road. The patrol car
continues on the right side of the road.
                                                            
The pickup narrowly dodges oncoming traffic.
                                                            

75.

The pickup and several patrol cars race down the boulevard
separated by the concrete median.
                                                            
A police helicopter joins the chase.
                                                            
The pickup narrowly misses a head-on with a semi truck by
swerving at the last second.
                                                            
The pickup skids a U-turn around several cars and fishtails
down the street.
                                                            
The police helicopter banks a hard U-turn. The patrol cars
slow down, bounce over the median, and rejoin the chase.
                                                            
The pickup approaches a freeway overpass. The police
helicopter catches up.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE HELICOPTER - DAY
                                                            
The pickup ducks under the freeway overpass.
                                                            
The helicopter hovers over the freeway overpass and waits
for the pickup truck to come out the other end.
                                                            
                       HELICOPTER POLICE (V.O.)
He never came out! Suspect is
still under the freeway!
                                                            
Police cars SKID to stops at both ends of the overpass.
                                                            
 
INT. PATROL CAR - DAY
                                                            
The pickup is stopped under the freeway. A black Lexus
comes out from under the freeway.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
The officers, including Officer Two, exit their patrol cars
with guns drawn at a figure inside the car.
                                                            
                       OFFICER TWO
Driver, come out with your hands
in the air!
                                                            
The officers move cautiously toward the pickup.
                                                            
                       OFFICER TWO
Driver, come out with your hands
in the air!
                                                            

76.

Officers use billy clubs to smash out the pickup's windows.
                                                            
The officers discover the inflated blow up doll. It's
powered by an air compressor plugged into the cigarette
lighter.
                                                            
 
INT. BLACK LEXUS - DAY
                                                            
Rob rides shotgun. He points his gun at a frightened FEMALE
MOTORIST.
                                                            
                       ROB
Pull over.
                                                            
Female Motorist pulls to the curb.
                                                            
Rob takes her phone.
                                                            
                       ROB
Thanks for the lift.
                                                            
Rob gets out and throws her phone with all his might. The
Lexus SPEEDS off.
                                                            
 
EXT. STREET - DAY
                                                            
Officers dust the black pickup for fingerprints. Ryan shows
Officer Harrier the yellow ribbon he placed on the tow ball.
                                                            
 
INT. ROB'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
                                                            
Rob watches TV in a wife beater shirt drinking beer. LOUD
KNOCKING.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
Police! Open up!
                                                            
Rob springs from the couch and looks out the window. He
sees several police cars.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Detectives search the apartment. Police lead a handcuffed
Rob out the door.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
                                                            
Officers escort Rob in handcuffs.
                                                            

77.

                       ROB
You've got the wrong guy! I'm
gonna sue you!
                                                            
Officer Harrier strides over to Ryan.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
You better be right about this
guy.
                                                            
VISITING AREA
                                                            
An officer keeps an eye on Brenda and Rob who are separated
by a Plexiglas partition. Rob and Brenda use telephones to
communicate.
                                                            
                       ROB
If you can't hear yourself talk,
it means they're listening in, so
change the subject.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Okay.
                                                            
                       ROB
Get me out of here.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Do you promise to give up robbing
banks?
                                                            
                       ROB
Brenda, if you don't get me--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Do you?
                                                            
                       ROB
If you don't rob a bank like I
taught you--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Do you?
                                                            
                       ROB
Yes!
                                                            
Guards look over at Rob.
                                                            
 

78.

INT. BRENDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda paces. She stares morosely at Rob's black gloves,
ski mask, and gun.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda watches a police car turn up her street. The police
car parks between Brenda's house and Ryan's house.
                                                            
 
INT. OFFICER HARRIER'S CAR - DAY
                                                            
Officer Harrier kills the engine and turns to an OFFICER.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
Kid wants to be a cop. Let's show
him how we dance.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda watches the officers creep through Ryan's side yard.
                                                            
LATER
                                                            
Brenda grins when she observes the officers escort Ryan out
in handcuffs, and place him in the back of the patrol car.
She races to her house.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Brenda darts into the kitchen where her mother cuts an
unappetizing casserole. She plugs her nose.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Ryan got arrested!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
What?
                                                            
Brenda unplugs her nose. Norm and Jenny enter.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Ryan got arrested!
                                                            
                       JENNY
He did?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I can go out with him now!
                                                            

79.

Brenda plugs her nose.
                                                            
 
INT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Brenda, dressed in black and wearing a ski mask, struts in
with her hips swaying side to side. She waves a gun over
her head as she heads for a teller's window.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
      (deep voice)
This is a robbery!
                                                            
People SCREAM. Brenda SCREAMS and drops her gun. She picks
up the gun and passes a note to the TELLER (20), tattoos,
body piercings.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
This is a robbery.
                                                            
                       TELLER
Obviously.
                                                            
The teller calmly stuffs bills into a bag and slides the bag
to Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
There better not be any exploding
dye.
                                                            
The teller slides the bag back, removes a small device, and
slides the bag back to Brenda.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Thanks.
                                                            
Brenda zips out the door into a waiting car by the front
entrance. The car PEELS OUT.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
                                                            
Rob uses a phone to speak to Brenda through the Plexiglas
partition.
                                                            
                       ROB
They're not letting me out, so you
did something wrong.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Like what? I used a deep voice.
                                                            

80.

Brenda and Rob watch an officer put on headphones. The
officer flips a toggle switch.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I made Coq Au Vin last night. It
was delicious.
                                                            
                       ROB
I'll have to get the recipe.
                                                            
Rob sees the bored officer take off his headphones. Rob
scans Brenda's body.
                                                            
                       ROB
You didn't hide your rack!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What?
                                                            
                       ROB
You gotta hide cantaloupes that
big or they'll know you're not me!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
But--
                                                            
                       ROB
Hide your jugs, Brenda.
                                                            
Brenda hangs up and strides toward the door. Rob watches
her butt move from side to side. He springs from his seat
and POUNDS on the glass partition.
                                                            
Brenda turns to find Rob agitated. She comes back and picks
up the phone.
                                                            
                       ROB
You gotta ding dong butt!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
What?
                                                            
                       ROB
You got a fashion model bell butt.
                                                            
He demonstrates by turning around and flinging his hips from
side to side.
                                                            
                       ROB
Ding! Dong! Ding! Dong! You'd
knock holes in hallway walls!
                                                            

81.

                       BRENDA
That's how I walk.
                                                            
                       ROB
But I don't.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I don't know if I can do this.
                                                            
                       ROB
You promised if I got caught--
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I know, but I'm kind of seeing
this guy.
                                                            
Ryan looks through a door window, sees Brenda, and ducks
down.
                                                            
                       ROB
But is he a criminal like me?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Yeah. He's got everything my
parents want in a man.
                                                            
                       ROB
How do you know?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I saw him getting arrested.
                                                            
                       ROB
If you don't get me out of here,
I'll tell the cops you're the O.C.
Burglar.
                                                            
Brenda is trapped. They see the officer put on his
headphones and flip the toggle switch.
                                                            
                       ROB
And just the dashiest dash of
ground black pepper.
                                                            
They see the uninterested officer flip the toggle switch and
take off his headphones.
                                                            
                       ROB
Rob a bank in Newport. Cops there
are clueless.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Are you sure?
                                                            

82.

                       ROB
A promotion for them is mall
security.
                                                            
 
INT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - DAY
                                                            
Rob's gun and an opened adult diaper package are on the
coffee table.
                                                            
Brenda wears the diaper with foam bursting out the sides.
Norm cuts a foam mattress topper. Barbara and Jenny duct
tape foam around Brenda's torso.
                                                            
Brenda cautiously picks up Rob's gun.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I don't want to hurt anyone.
                                                            
Norm takes the gun from Brenda, takes out the bullets, and
moves a lever on the gun.
                                                            
                       NORM
The gun's empty and the safety's
on.
                                                            
Barbara examines the gun.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
This could be a new line of work
for us.
                                                            
                       NORM
No more roof climbing.
                                                            
                       JENNY
No more dog bites.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
When this job is done, our life of
crime is over.
                                                            
Brenda walks like a sore marathoner.
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Ding dong butt's gone.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I look like I did a triathlon.
                                                            
 

83.

INT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Brenda moves stiffly.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
      (deep voice)
This is a robbery!
                                                            
She stumbles, falls, and lands on her back. The gun slides
across the polished floor.
                                                            
Brenda flails her arms and legs like an upside down turtle.
Stunned onlookers watch Brenda rock her body from side to
side until she lands on her stomach. She gets up, grabs the
gun, and hobbles out.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Sorry.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
Brenda hops in the car occupied by Norm, Barbara, and Jenny.
The car SCREECHES away.
                                                            
                       NORM
Add bank robbery to our resumes!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
It's only attempted bank robbery.
                                                            
                       JENNY
What!
                                                            
                       BARBARA
Can't you do anything right?
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
                                                            
Ryan peeks through a window in the door. He sees Brenda and
Rob at the glass partition.
                                                            
                       ROB
You gotta give 'em the "This is a
robbery" note in my writing.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Where is it?
                                                            
                       ROB
In with the instructional DVD.
Who's the guy you're seeing?
                                                            

84.

                       BRENDA
Ryan.
                                                            
                       ROB
You can't go out with him! He's a
cop!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
No, he's not.
                                                            
                       ROB
I saw him in here!
                                                            
Ryan ducks out of sight.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Probably when he was getting
arrested.
                                                            
                       ROB
Not unless prisoners hand out food
and blankets to other prisoners.
Try it again, and act like a man.
                                                            
 
INT. BANK - DAY
                                                            
Brenda enters. She tugs at her crotch and spits on the
floor as she strides stiffly toward a teller's window.
                                                            
Brenda points the gun at the teller. She hands the teller
the note.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
      (deep voice)
This is a bank robbery! Give me
all your money and no heroes!
                                                            
The teller stuffs bills into bags. Brenda grabs the bags
and dashes for the exit.
                                                            
 
INT. CAR - DAY
                                                            
Brenda hops in the car occupied by Norm, Barbara, and Jenny.
The car ROCKETS from the bank.
                                                            
                       JENNY
Any chance you got the money?
                                                            
                       BRENDA
Got it.
                                                            

85.

                       BARBARA
Welcome to the world of armed bank
robbery!
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I'm done.
                                                            
Barbara opens the glove box. She reaches for ski masks and
gloves. Brenda grabs her arm. Brenda and Barbara lock eyes.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
If you want to rob banks and go to
prison, go ahead.
                                                            
Barbara closes the glove box.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON BACKYARD - DAY
                                                            
Norm, Barbara, and Jenny watch as Brenda uses a shovel to
dig up Rob's box of cash. Brenda pulls the box from the
hole.
                                                            
 
EXT. RYAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
                                                            
Brenda sneaks over carrying the box. She sees the TV light
flicker in Ryan's bedroom. She places the box on the front
porch and RINGS the doorbell. She races to her house. Her
skirt tears off on a bush exposing her underwear.
                                                            
Car headlights beam around a turn and shine on half-naked
Brenda. She runs to her house. Ryan answers the door.
                                                            
 
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
                                                            
Ryan watches as Officer Harrier looks inside the box.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
Holy moly!
                                                            
Officer Harrier pulls out bundles of bills. He reads an
enclosed letter.
                                                            
                       OFFICER HARRIER
I've given up bank robbery
forever. Signed, The O.C. Bank
Robber.
                                                            
JAIL CELL
                                                            
Officer Harrier releases Rob from his cell.
                                                            

86.

                       OFFICER HARRIER
The serial numbers on the bills
match those stolen by The O.C.
Bank Robber.
                                                            
                       ROB
You're gonna pay for this.
                                                            
Rob marches out.
                                                            
 
EXT. JOHNSON RESIDENCE - NIGHT
                                                            
Rob looks up at Brenda's second story bedroom window where a
TV light flickers. He holds a cell phone to his ear.
                                                            
                       ROB
Why'd you give 'em all my money?
                                                            
INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION ROB/BRENDA
                                                            
 
INT. BRENDA'S ROOM - NIGHT
                                                            
                       BRENDA
I had to convinced them they had
the wrong guy.
                                                            
                       ROB
That's all the money I had, Miss
Makeup! Get my money, or I'll
tell Ryan about your birthmark.
                                                            
                       BRENDA
It's over, Rob! Stop robbing
banks, and accept yourself as you
are!
                                                            
Brenda closes her cell phone.
                                                            
Rob sees the TV light go out in Brenda's room.
                                                            
Brenda exits and heads next door to Ryan's house.
                                                            
Rob watches Ryan give Brenda a long kiss. Brenda enters
Ryan's house. Veins bulge from Rob's forehead.
                                                            
Rob marches up to Brenda's house. He sneaks in through the
front door.
                                                            
A light goes on in Brenda's bedroom.
                                                            

87.

LATER
                                                            
Rob sneaks out the front door carrying black gloves.
                                                            
 
INT. HOUSE - NIGHT